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Publication and distribution of Helping Youth Decide is made possible by The Tobacco Institute, Washington, D.C., an association of cigarette manufacturers who as a matter of longtime policy and practice believe that young people should not smoke. It is The Institute's hope that this booklet will help parents deal with the full range of decisions-including smoking-that adolescents face today. This publication was developed under the direction of experts affiliated with a national education association. It is designed to establish effective parent-child communication and help children learn to make sound decisions. TIMN 0013765

Introduction C hild raising has been a subject of debate among adults as long as there have been children. Almost every parent has opinions, or has heard theories about one of the most tenu- ous and difficult of family relationships: that between parent and adolescent. You've probably said it yourself a hundred times. And you're right. Raising an adolescent is hard on the parent. But adolescence can be even more difficult for the youngster, who is trying to make the transi- tion to young adulthood and is not quite sure how to handle it. This is the time when your young teenager will be faced with many new decisions. Some decisions will be small, others important. Consider the following examples: how to dress . . . whom to choose as friends ... whether to quit school . . . go to college . . . when to begin dating ... whether to take a job. Making responsible decisions is a skill that is best learned with the help of someone more experienced. With adult help, youngsters are more likely to make good choices. Shared decision making begins with good communication between parent and child. Good communication skills help to strengthen the mutual respect and trust in the family. It is the objective of this booklet to help family members better understand each other, talk more easily and effectively to each other, and make more responsible decisions that are more agreeable to both parent and child. This booklet is divided into three parts. Part I discusses what's involved for you and your child during the adolescent years. Part II sug- gests ways to develop more open lines of communication with your teen- agers and to guide them in decision making. Part III includes materials designed to help you implement the ideas presented in the preceding sections-some "homework" for parent and child. TIMN 001?1766 1

Part.1 owln "S /r ark Twain wrote that at age 17 he thought his father the most IVI ignorant man who ever lived, but at age 21 he was amazed at how much the old man had learned in four short years. What we call the generation gap isn't anything new. Through- out history, teenagers-no longer children, but not yet adults-have questioned the rules laid down by their parents and by society. TIlV1N 0013767

Questioning authority, testing the rules and experimenting with adult behaviors are all a natural part of adolescent growth. Youngsters want freedom, yet freedom is frightening. There are new feelings to contend with. Bio- logical and emotional changes are taking place within that young teens do not fully understand. Most importantly, they wonder who they are, what they believe and where they belong. Adolescence is the time when children are trying to discover their identity. There are many "tasks" involved in undertaking this search. For the first time, young persons are beginning to look toward the future and to try to fit it with the past and present. They often have great dreams and become very ide- alistic. This hopefulness is one way they begin to feel some control over their destiny. Young teenagers are trying to arrive at a clear sense of their own feelings and beliefs. While they want to be unique and independent, they are self- conscious and TIMN 00113768 3

afraid of being "different." As a result, young teens often dress and act like their friends, the sense of security thus attained allowing them to search for and test new and different beliefs and behaviors. Adolescence is a time of experimenting and testing. Young people try out different behav- iors and take risks and learn from reactions of family and friends. Thus they find out what their abilities, interests and responsibilities are. Teenagers are also facing the eventuality of leaving home and joining a working society. They must mesh their interests, skills, and talents with the duties, jobs and roles available to them. They often feel a sense of 4 inadequacy and may underestimate them- selves. They need to experiment and compete in work and play to discover where they fit in. As young people become more sure of who they are and more confident of themselves, they can begin to share more of their hopes and fears with others, espe- cially their peers. It is normal for adolescents to begin shifting some of their TIMN 0013769

emotional dependency from their parents to their friends. They will also begin to define more clearly their relationships with others. Whom they will follow and whom they will lead become important decisions. By beginning to develop a responsibility toward younger friends and neighbors they are preparing for the adult role of guiding and teaching others. Finally, adolescents are beginning to nar- row and deepen their interests. Instead of a passing interest in many things, they begin to develop a deeper interest in a few ideas and activities. Young people are undertaking a search for their iden- tity within a confusing array of choices and challenges. Their world is no longer the grade- schooler's simple and secure environment, protected by parents and teachers. In junior and senior high school, teachers are more challenging and the subjects more difficult. There's more competition for the attention and approval of classmates . . . increased expectations of parents and teachers . . . new extracurricular activities. In earlier times, the institutions of family, neighborhood and community provided stability that could help young people safely through the "growing up" process. Now soci- ety is increasingly fragmented and television has introduced children to all aspects of adult life. Thus, communication between parents and their children has become more crucial. Young people need support and advice on how successfully to manage the "work" of the adolescent years. Experiencing growing pains as they verge on maturity, adolescents also need gradual, reasonable preparation for making their own decisions. This includes opportunities to dis- cuss with parents, as well as their peers, what their choices are and the possible conse- quences of their actions. In the following sec- tion we will discuss the various aspects of communications skills and responsible deci- sion making. TIMN 001.3770 5

ood communication within the family is the foundation for the mutual trust that encourages responsibility. When parents and children are able to communicate well, they find it's much easier to resolve conflicts and to arrive at mutually agreeable decisions. To communicate effectively, parents need to express accurately to their children their own ideas and feelings as well as to listen to and understand the youngster's thoughts and emotions. Adoles- cents, even more than younger children, need TIMN 0013771

someone who will listen. They need a sound- ing board off which to bounce developing ideas, and they need someone with whom to talk out their problems. How Not to Communicate Good communication is particularly diffi- cult when one person has a problem or is in a bad mood. Frequently, 0 instead of listening, parents react with responses that block communication. For instance: Typical Response Threatening "I f you don't, then. . . : ' "You'd better, or. . . :' Possible Reaction Invites testing of threatened consequences, anger, rebellion. TIMN 0013772 7

Typical Response Preaching "You should have. . . :' "It is your responsibility. . . :' "You ought to. . . :' Possible Reaction Communicates lack of trust in child's sense of responsibility. Typical Response Blaming "You are lazy." "You are not thinking maturely." Possible Reaction Cuts off f communication from child over fear of being criticized. Typical Response Analyzing "What's wrong with you is. . . : ' "You're just tired." "You don't really mean that: " Possible Reaction Stops communication as child fears being misunderstood or exposed. Typical Response Pacifying "Oh, cheer up." "It's not so bad!" Possible Reaction Makes child feel misunderstood, angry, confused. 8 Typical Response Probing "Why did you do that?" "Who was there with you?" "Exactly what did you say?" Possible Reaction Provokes anxiety, withdrawal, half truths to avoid criticism. Typical Response Avoiding "Let's talk about pleasant things:" Remaining silent, turning away. Possible Reaction Implies child's problems are unimportant, discouraging openness. One of the best ways parents can avoid these typical responses is to concentrate more on listening. When parents listen with interest, children feel their ideas are valued, TIMN 0013773 4 r