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1 1 I I I I I I I I I I I I ~ Psvchological Reports, 1990. 66. -> 15-528. ' Ps%choiegical Reports 1990 OVERCOMING THE LOSS OF A LOVE: PREVENTING LOVE ADDICTION AND PROINIOTING POSITIVE EMOTIONAL HEALTH THOMAS C. TIMMRECh Ca/ijorxia State L'xtrersih-San Berr,ardino Summary.-Counseling and clinical observations clarify views commonly made about the pain ot breaking-up a love relationship. Anecdotal reports as presented in popular music, novels, movies, and television programs illustrate the public's general awareness of the emotional dilemma of ending a relationship Love is a strong pleasur- able emotional state. Behavioral and emotional problems can result from rejection and the pain due to the loss of a love. The term "love addiction" has been applied to per- sons who obsessively seek to regain the pleasurable love state which existed with a former lo ve relationship. Dysfunctional emotional conditions such as distrust, feelings oi rejection, loss of self-worth, deep-seated anger, feelings of failure, loss, and an array or other emotional distress and self-deteating behaviors arise in the emotionallc hurt person. Emotional distress must be dealt with. Rational self-counseling and psvcho- cherap • can be effective in helping a jilted person work through periods of distress and ^a~' help to reestablish emotional well being and good mental health. Counseling can issist the person in moving into new relationships, help the hurt person abandon dis- iunctional behaviors and feelings, and aid the client in resuming a normal life. I love you too much to ever start liking you So don't expect me to be your friend. (from the song "Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend" by The Eagles) I don't like you, but I love you Seems that I'm always thinking of you Though you treat me badly I love you madly You really got a hold on me (from the song "You've Got A Hold On tife" by Smoke • Robinson) I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm hooked on believing, you're in love with me (from the song "Hooked on a Feeling" by B. J. Thomas) Observations made in clinical settings generally substantiate commonly held views about the emotional pain of ending a love relationship. Anecdotal reports through the lyrics and themes of popular music, novels, poetry, mov- ies, television programs, and informal discussions illustrate the awareness and concern the average person has about the emotionally devastation of losing a loved one (see song lyrics above). The break-up of a relationship or the emo- tional trauma resulting from a loss of love can be manifest in various ways: stress, clinical anxiety, alienation, unwillingness to become involved in new Department of Health Science and Human Ecolog}•. California State L'ni%•ersit%-San Bernar- iino, San Bernardino, California 92407. I

0 I I I I I I I I I I I I I i I 516 T C TI\I\SRECK relationships, isolation, emotional upset. behavioral disorders that surface in newly developed relationship. However, little has been presented in the scientific literature on love addiction or how love feelings become a dysfunctional emotional state and/or turn into antisocial behavior. Only limited insights and guidelines on how a jilted person can deal with the loss of a love are presented in the professional behavioral science literature. Empirical studies are rarely reported because measuring love is difficult so developing sound research methods that will produce data on a subject difficult to quantify is full of problems. The purpose of this paper is to advance the knowledge base of the sci- entific literature on "Love Addiction," from clinical observations based on counseling experiences on "Love Addiction" and to provide some insights and useful therapeutic modalities which have been effective in providing therapeutic direction for clients who suffer from love addiction. This paper also aims to provide insights on overcoming the loss of a love, preventing love addiction, and promoting emotional health. The quest for a lost love has recently been referred to in the popular and clinical literature as "love addiction." The dynamics controlling sub- stance-abuse addiction are viewed as similar to those governing love addiction. The similarities between the two addictive states are drawn, as people can feel as helpless without their lost loves, much as drug addicts might be without their fix of a drug; from this comes the term "love addic- tion." The euphoric high experienced from drug addiction comes when a chemical substance is introduced into the body, whereas, in love addiction the pleasures or the desire for pleasurable feelings are derived from memor}and past emotional and sexual feelings and experiences. The pleasurable high of love and sexual response is innate, introspective and in love addiction comes from the individual's ability to respond to the feelings generated when past love experiences are recalled. Some individuals, as they react to the loss of a love, unfortunately may develop personality and emotional disorders. The rejected person may let his total existence and behavior be controlled by the memories and feelings carried around about the past love encounter(s). The recall and selt- communication about the lost love keep the emotionality of the loss alive tor the person through self-generated emotional responses and related physiolosi- cal arousal. Thus, the jilted person longs for the strong pleasurable love feelings of the previous relationship, much as a drug user craves a dru,-,' (Peele, 1981; Eichet; 1985). The Pleasurable Emotional Love State What is love? For centuries a multitude of authors have written poems. song lyrics, stories and books on the subject. A variety of perceptions, atti- tudes and beliefs exists on love and its varying levels, individual response> I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I LOVE ADDICTIO\ 517 and manifestations. Some literature, movies, television and song lyrics seem to provide deceitfully simple answers for the emotionally confused and searching yet unaware victim. However, love is an extremely complex con- struct and most lyrics compound the hurt and provide confusion for the desperate person. Clients seeking counseling, who are confused about a lost love have looked to song lyrics for guidance, but messages and advice from hundreds of song lyrics are conflicting and have been found a source of con- fusion instead of a source of direction and guidance. What the jilted person needs instead of song lyrics, is a rational approach to the world founded on objective reality, such as can be found in clinical counseling or from self-help therapy such as Rational Self-counseling (Goodman &'Vlaultsbv, 1975; Lembo, 1974). The Emotionality of Love To develop a clearer psychosocial and behavioral perspective on love addiction, the construct of love needs to be viewed from its emotionalitv. Love is probably the most pleasurable emotional state a person can exper- ience outside of some drugs and the sexual response. One facet of love may be referred to as infatuation. Related pleasures are sexual excitement and the sexual response. It matters little whether the love feelings are founded in infatuation, sexual response or "true love" to the person experiencing these feelings, the emotional response felt is very real, pleasurable and fulfilling. Those persons who experience this pleasurable love state discover that the feelings are strong, pleasurable 'and they want it to continue or to be repeat- ed. Unlike the sexual response, love is not orgasmic but is a constant state of elation and happiness surrounded with a sense of security. For some, addi- tional feelings of calmness and completeness occur. These feelings are a magnetic attraction, culminating in a gratifying and uplifting positive emo- tional high, without the use of a chemical substance. When a person falls into a deep love state and then loses this emotional high, the desire for the pleasurable love feelings remains. In some cases this condition may have many of the driving forces of an addiction, as some of the literature suggests (Eicher, 1982; Peele, 1981). When a person finds a new love or leaves the relationship, for whatever reason, not only does the other person have to deal with the p'ain of rejection but will also suffer from being deprived of the "high" of the pleasurable love. Violation of Trust Leads to Distrust Several devastating outcomes may result when the loss of love is experi- enced. Three of the most profound feelings are rejection, loss of self-worth, and distrust. The jilted person has to deal with and resolve these emotional and behavioral issues. The outcome of being jilted is often a change in behavior and change in the individual's belief system. One change is toward I

I I I 518 T C T[NitiRECK ~ self-protection which can also be self-limiting. Once a person has offered trust to another person who is considered trustworthy and unusually close emotionally, and when that trust is offered in a confidential, personal and ~ sacred manner, and then when the trust is violated, the "hurt" person suf- fers a great deal of distrust, if not total distrust in future relationships. The jilted person retreats from emotional involvement with others. Trust develop- ~ ment is most fundamental to any relationship and may be more important than love itself. If the suffering jilted person is unaware of his emotionality and the response pattern common to these experiences, he may end up in a down- ~ ward cvcle toward dvsfunctional behavior, alienation and poor emotional health. Inwardly, self-protecting responses used for coping with loss and rejection can lead to depression, anxiety, vindictiveness, revenge and other a self-defeating states. The jilted person has a tendency to shut the door to , self-responsibility, forgiving, and forgetting. Forgiving and forgetting, trite as they seem, are very therapeutic behaviors and can help restore productive behavioral patterns as well as mental and emotional health (Chamberlain. ~ 1978). Once a person has suffered rejection and the pleasurable love state has been removed, a dysfunctional trust state can occupy much of the person's i - self-communication (self-talk) (Maultsby, 1975). Self-talk, a fundamental con- `t struct of Rational Self-counseling (Maultsby, 1975) creates distorted beliet systems about relationships and behavior. Examples of dysfunctional self-talk repeated and dwelt upon silently by the victim may include phrases such as ~ "I trusted her with my emotions and with sacred intimate things which I share with no one and then I got dumped on-I'll never trust anyone with my emotions again." This type of self-talk results in irrational thinking and ~ self-pity, verifying that the hurt person should never take the risk of enter- ing into a relationship again, never to trust again. If and when new relationships are begun, the hurt person is overly cau• tious and self-protecting, so attempts at new relationships often end up bein' -, ~ superficial and/or short-term. The emotionally hurt person often will 10t trust enough to stay in a relationship. The interaction will not last !n_enough to reach the emotional and trust levels needed to establish airrp. ~ lasting and flourishing relationship. One focus of emotional counseling. social support and therapy should be upon trust building, commitment anci upon the depth of relationships since the loss. Behavioral and Emotional Responses to the Loss of Emotional Love ~ Clinical observations and clients' comments have shown that a per«ol' who has suffered a loss may continue the quest to reestablish the plea:uM' Z~ID ~ experienced from the previous love encounter. Clinical experience and c{i- ~ ent's insights have shown that sexual pleasure is often equated (mistakenh, C'3 ~P. ~ I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I LOVE ADDICTION 519 with the pleasurable love state. Empty sexual encounters leave the person still wanting the love feelings, as sexual release alone fails to fulfill the love needs (Eicher, 1982). Clinicians have reported that patients suffering from love addiction have sexual fantasies about the lost love, and some clients have used autoeroticism while fantasizing about the circumstances of the past love, especially the sexually related experiences. The pleasurable love state can be deceitfully shrouded in sexually pleasurable memories. Love and sex- ual feelings are recreated by the jilted person through sexual fantasizing while participating in autoeroticism (Eicher, 1982; Peele, 1981; Colgrove, 1976). These behaviors also become part of the quest for the pleasurable love state. The jilted person may confuse the emotional connection between pleasurable love and sexual feelings. Since the momentary feelings of plea- sure from the fantasizing and/or autoeroticism are similar to the pleasurable love feelings, this activity is sought as it causes pleasurable feelings to return while dwelling on the past. This process can be deceiving, as sexual feelings and fantasies of the past appear to the jilted person to be the love feelings remembered from the lost love. Moreover, little is gained by the jilted person as sexual release leaves the client feeling empty and still longing for the per- son's company. Therapeutic approaches should include instructing the client to cease autoeroticism in the context of the lost love and to stop fantasizing about the lost love especially over sexually related experiences. The term infatuation was probably developed to describe, at least in part, pleasurable love feelings. Pleasurable love is extremely pleasant and exciting for all persons of all ages. Infatuation is especially exciting for any person who is lonely or vulnerable and has never really experienced this type of emotionally charged romantic love before, or at least not for a long time. When pleasurable love feelings are experienced by a naive and emotionally desperate person, such a person is open to being emotionally hooked on the pleasurable love feelings, especially when one believes in the unreal yet inflated expectations about love. When these exciting emotions happen to an unexperienced and vulnerable person (and possibly when accompanied by related exciting sexual experiences), he is easily absorbed by these feelings of happiness and pleasure. This love experience may appear to meet the story- book expectation of "True Love" (whatever this may be). When the "true love" experience and the related emotionality is gone, then a quest for the feelings continues; a quest for the pleasurable emotionally "addicting" love feelings. However, if such a relationship is maintained with commitment and lasts over the long term, then the pleasurable love and related sexual plea- sures could surely be a part of true love and a lasting relationship. For a vulnerable person the loss of a love is extremely confusing and often results in the loss of self-worth. On one side the loss and rejection hurts badly, while on the other side the desire to be with the person is I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 520 T. C. TI,i.%4AECK intense, yet is an impossibility. (The self-talk leading to loss of self-worth in this case would possibly be something like ..."You are good and I must be worthless as I am not worthy of your love.") The paradox for the jilted person lies in the barriers to getting the love back. Wanting the love, companionship and pleasure reinstated, yet getting messages of rejection can lead to confusion, self-defeating self-talk, feelings of worthlessness, depres- sion, anger, and in extreme cases, clinical anxiety. It is reported in scientific and popular literature alike, that the jilted person will sometimes follow the other person around; sit and watch them from afar or will sit by the home and watch the lost love come and go; obsessive letter writing can also occur (Eicher, 1982). Self-talk, false hope, confusion, anger, revenge, and depression combined with the strong desire to have the pleasurable love back, may be some of the motivating forces behind these compulsive-appearing behaviors. Anger and Frustration Over the Loss of a Love Deep-seated anger associated with the loss of a love is important to explore therapeutically. Not only does the hurt person feel that his trust has been violated but he may also have deep anger about the experience and about the rejection (as well as other emotional distress). Anger is often asso- _ciated with clinical depression and can result from a multitude of unresolved issues. Some of the experiences which lead to deep-seated anger may include: the frustration of not being able to continue the relationship, frus- tration from barriers erected to halt reuniting with the lost love, not full%- understanding why the relationship ended, inability to communicate with the lost love and/or failure to convince the former partner to renew the relation- ship, misunderstood and false perceptions about the person's intentions, etc. (Dyer; 1977; Doleys, Meredith, & Ciminero, 1982). Since interpersonal communication is denied then the jilted person may resort to obsessive letter writing. The letter-writing obsession can also be motivated by anger, attempts at trying to renew the relationship, attempting to make the rejecting person regret breaking up, mild forms of revenge, or a form of harrassment. Clients can be taught self-control paradigms which allow them to control their environment and their own behaviors. Coping skills and anger management can be taught (Doleys, Meredith, & Ciminero. 1982). For clear understanding and restoration of mental health, the jilted per- son has a need to know "why" the relationship ended, as it may not be exactly clear or understood. The answer to "why" the relationship ended is an important clinical consideration. Solving unfinished business and seeking answers to "unknowns or whys" is an important activity for the jilted person to work through. Working through the "unknowns" and "whys" of the situ- ation is a difficult task. One creative approach might include having the I

I I I LOVE ADDICTION 521 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I therapist talk to the other person from the past relationship to ask whv the relationship was ended. (One must be careful not to create false hope in the jilted person by communicating with the past lover.) The Rational Self- counseling construct of "self-talk" of trying to figure out the "«•hys" can dominate the jilted person's self-communications. "How could she love me so and be so giving and now dislike me so much that she won't talk to me?" is a typical type "unknown" which may be dwelt upon by a jilted person within self-talk (Maultsby, 1975; Goodman & Maultsby, 1975). Self interest and Self-serving Aspects of Emotional Love Clinically, it would be important to explore how the pleasurable love auest, blaming, rejection, and self-pity are currently serving the rejected per- son. The hurt person has a tendency to move toward inward directed <elf-preservation responses of self-interest, self-pity, selfishness, or self-cen- tered behaviors and expectations. A barrier to emotional health is the failure oi the jilted person to reach out to others. The act of falling in love at any level fulfills an innate selfish need of %vanting to be cared for and loved. When love occurs, it is a fulfilling exper- ience yet self-serving. The sexual act is also a self-serving act. Some behaviors are self-sen•ing but with a purpose; love and sexuality fall within these realms. Without love, poor mental health and even mental illness may result. Without the sexual act, as a race we would become extinct, and the closeness and the binding emotional experience of sexual intercourse with a loved one would be lacking. Like many behaviors available to mankind, a balance between reaching out and the filling of selfish needs must be main- tained at an acceptable level. Healthy behavior requires a balance of the two, reaching out to others and the fulfilling of self-serving behaviors. To strengthen a relationship one must figure out what the other part- ner's self-interest needs are and help fulfill them. If this interaction occurs in both sides of a relationship then the self-directed desires of both are met. A positive view of a mate often is the result of the partner's ability to help, be supportive and caring, and their ability to fulfill the other person's self-inter- est needs and wants. Insights into this process by jilted persons may prove helpful in understanding why the relationship ended and may also be useful in understanding how to be successful in future relationships. Why Does Love Addiction Occur? Why does "love addiction" occur in some people and not in others? One possibility would be the state of vulnerability of the "victim." As ado- lescents move into adulthood, a desire surfaces to have a loving relationship with someone besides their parents and family members. The love given by parents and siblings is not the same as that given in a romantic encounter with the opposite sex. A relationship is sought that could provide love and I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 522 T. C. TIMAiRECk has the potential to be lasting. Most persons seek relationships that will ful- fill their emotional needs and their need for physical closeness and sexuality. The fulfillment has to come from someone who is viewed as desirable. The relationship has to provide someone to care about (give love to). share life's experiences with and who will fill one's self-interest including being cared for. (Self-talk example: "someone to take care of me, someone to fill my empty emotional spot with caring, someone to hold and hug me, someone who has personal/sexual attractiveness and can satisfy love emotions.") When the vulnerable person finally finds "the" person who meets the expected ideal, he then enters the relationship. If the person finds the rela- tionship exciting and develops what appears to be a commitment, then it is believed to be "ok" to allow full emotional love involvement and most of all, the giving of trust. As a relationship develops so does trust giving, the level of emotional excitement and vulnerability. Trust giving may be done freeh- and carelessly if the person is vulnerable, naive, and unaware of any danger of the relationship ending. The same is also fairly true for experienced peo- ple who, after being out of a relationship for a long period decide to again enter a new love relationship. The cliche that the person "falls in love with love" may have some merit to it. The person may fall in love with the feelings and related sexual excitement more than with the person. When love seems sure and/or attrac- tions are intense, emotional guards are dropped and love and trust are allowed to run unchecked. If the relationship blossoms with commitment and marriage or a long-term relationship results, the love relationship can mature beyond the pleasurable love state. The addictive state probably will not occur if the romance ends once a matured relationship exists, if the per- son is not caught in an emotional pleasurable love "high" and has not fallen in love with just the feelings. If the relationship suddenly ends at the peak of the emotional pleasurable love state and while the person is still vulnera- ble, regardless of length of time in the relationship, the person who is on the receiving end of the rejection will most likely get "hurt." This sets the stage for the jilted person to seek after the feelings, not the person. It would be an important counseling approach to explore if the clients is indeed "in love with love" and only seeking the feelings or if they are truly longing for thc person). The vulnerability of the jilted person at the time of the rejection and currently seems to be an important variable to consider. The age of the client at the time of occurrence may be of little importance as the construct of vulnerability seems to be the key variable which determines the outcomv of an ended love. Considerations for Therapy Emotional pain caused by the loss is the first and obvious distressor. i.e., life experiences which are stressful (Timmreck, 1987), presenting to the I

I I LOVE ADDICTION 523 ~ therapist. Clinical intervention becomes even more complex if the person is still seeking the old love and the associated pleasurable love state, especially i if the quest is founded in sexual fantasy. Some issues to be dealt with clini- I cally are any obsessive behaviors related to seeking the lost love, i.e., letter writing, following the person, phone calls, etc., sexual fantasies related to the lost love and autoeroticism while fantasizing about the lost love. i Music can rejuvinate memories and emotions of events of the past. In * the love addicted person, memories of past love experiences are easily acti- vated by a song or music related to that particular event or person. Certain songs can stimulate memories in the jilted person, and he can easily get ~ caught up in dwelling on past events, memories and the accompanying emo- tions, all of which can fuel the love addiction. As song lyrics and music rejuvinate memories, they can create false hopes and contribute to the unsta- ~ ble emotionality of the love-addicted person. Therapeutic direction for the client includes having him overtly avoid songs and music that remind the cli- ent of the person or events of the past love. ~ For the jilted person, insecurity commonly sets in and can be most lim- iting. iting, Therapeutic intervention through behavior therapy is fundamental in reinstating feelings of security. Greater effectiveness in therapeutic interven- tion is experienced if the therapeutic modalities are based on Rational Self- . counseling (Goodman & Maultsby, 1975; Maultsby, 1975; Wolpe, 1973; ~ Millon, Green, & Meagher, 1982). Rational Self-counseling constructs include the assessment of the self- = talk (self-communication) and the resulting beliefs and values it has created. ,, Behaviors need to be analyzed by reviewing the jilted person's beliefs and values created by self-communication about the loss and the surrounding cir- cumstances. The discounting of irrational self-talk and beliefs is most impor- ~ tant to the recovery of the jilted person. Objective reality must become the frame of reference, and emotional control through healthy self-communica- tion is used to create objective reality. Facts of the loss rather than the ~ remembered feelings can help establish the jilted person's reality and future. ii The recovering person must be made aware of his thought processes through Rational Self-counseling techniques (Goodman & Maultsby, 1975; Maultsby, 1975; Chamberlain, 1978). ~ Awareness of self-defeating behaviors which result from the irrational thoughts needs to be worked through (Goodman & Maultsby, 1975; Maults- by, 1975; Chamberlain, 1978). Olsen (1974) suggests exploring and evaluat- ~ ing resentments and the admission of being wrong. Allen (1980) suggests . three levels of existence and suggests that the client be moved from the bot- tom level (low self-esteem, low self-control, fear, learning to fail) to a level of love-trust (high self-esteem, high self-control, high awareness, trust, and ~ ~ learning to succeed). The issue of trust and the willingness to get involved in ~ ~ ~ w ~ I

524 T. C TI,.tNiRECI: relationships must be worked through. The underlying sources of depression, anger, insecurities, self-demeaning activities and blame for loss are issues which the jilted person must confront (Goodman & Maultsbv, 19 -15; Rubin, 1975). Trusting behavior needs is to be risked once again with proper cau- tion; the giving of trust as well as the accepting of trust by the jilted person are fundamental to the therapeutic process. The client needs to experience success in a new relationship. Appropriate behavior-therapy approaches can be used to help get the cli- ent to become involved in new relationships. Traditional behavior therapy, Rational Behavior Therapy and Rational Self-counseling can be useful in helping the client deal with underlying emotional states, such as anger and fears which interfere with the person's return to an acceptable level of adjust- ment (Maultsby, 1975). The issues of self-worth and a positive self-concept in relationship to the loss of a love have to be resolved and self-worth estab- lished. Peele (1981) suggests that a search for superficial external resolution of life be conducted, including the defining of "love." Superficial relation- ships are often the result of the search for love and often end up empty and meaningless. If the sense of self is lost in the quest for love, then the jilted person wants to become a part of the loved person, yet it is an impossibilit in most cases and is an empty pursuit (Eicher, 1982). Coping With Loss and Pleasurable Emotional Love Losses Some behaviors and signs of a person seeking a lost love and the accom- panying lost pleasurable love state may include: continuous letter-writing after the relationship ended, obsessively driving past the house of the lost love, repeated checking on the other person's whereabouts, obsessive feel- ings, obsessive self-communications and beliefs ("I can't live without her/him"), going from one relationship to another with a purpose of seeking what existed in the lost love relationship, disrupted sleep, clinical depression, impairment of work and eating habits, loss of confidence, fear of planning any future relationship or aspirations, fear of trying to develop new relation- ships, loss of trust, destroyed self-worth, deep anger and other self-defeatinli! behavior or emotional conditions. Other signs may or may not include: jeal- ousy, subscriving rigidly to the male or the female role, signs of dependency, fear of not having the skills or ability to enter new relationships, and c.- pecting everything in a new relationship to be exactly like the old onv (Chamberlain, 1978; Eicher, 1982; Peele, 1981). The jilted person with any or all of the above self-defeating behavior• needs to be therapeutically led to admit that what he is doing is dvsfunction- a, possibly antisocial and not working for him. When insights are gained then dysfunctional and self-defeating behavior patterns can be brokcn (Chamberlain, 1978). Jilted individuals must realize they cannot live the lovL. of the past. It is important for hurt persons to become oriented to the hen•