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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I PUBLIC FORUM LOVE: ADDICTION OR ROAD TO SELF-REALIZATION, A SECOND LOOK Jane Simon Addiction is a state of physical dependence on a chemical substance. When the addictive element is not administered, the addict experiences withdrawal symptoms. Addiction implies habit, habituation, and compul- sion with a lack of freedom to choose. The addict needs his fix. As I outiined in a previous paper on this topic,' a person who is an addictive lover can at times experience withdrawal symptoms from his partner very much like the symptoms experienced in withdrawing from drugs-sleepless nights, rapid heartbeat, muscle tightness, and alternating periods of lethargy and frenetic activity. However, a love relationship does not have to be an addictive one. In a more constructive relationship, one's self-development is not abandoned. According to scientists Michael Liebowitz and Donald Klein, who are study- ing the chemistry of love at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, love is a chemical reaction.. "Love feelings," they say, "are similar to amphetamine highs, because the loving brain produces its own intoxicating substance, phenylethylamine." They also suggest that the "spurned brain" goes into a state of drug withdrawal, causing severe craving for chocolate, which con- tains phenylethylamine."z An addictive relationship is the opposite of a self-realizing relationship. In an addictive relationship we are led away from ourselves as a victim or pris- oner of our compulsion. In the self-realizing relationship, we are led into ourselves, into constructive self-development. There are several types of love or relationship addiction. I will describe them and define the charac- teristics which make them compulsive rather than freely chosen. Cathy met a man for whom she cared more than she had cared for any other in a long time. He was patient with her and responsive to her moods and needs. After 20 days of being almost constantly in this man's presence, she had a desire to be alone. She was distressed by this, saying, "But if I love Jane Simon, M.D., Medital Director, Institutes of Reliaion and Heahh, New York. The American Journal of Psychoanalysis Vol. 42, No. 3. 1982 © 1982 Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis 0002-9548/82/030253-11 f 1.00 253 I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 1 254 PUBLIC FORUM him I should want to be with him all the time." Want to be with him, yes. But all the time, no. However, the assumption is not an uncommon one, especially among women. Women have grown up with the concept that they are supposed to sacrifice themselves, their own self-development, for the sake of a relationship with a man. This problem exists in men as well as in women, akhough in the present decade we seem to be putting more em- phasis on how "relationship" problems have hampered the self-development of women. Rhoda is another example of the same phenomenon. Once involved with a man (and the pattern repeated itself a number of times), she gradually gave up her hobbies and other friends and simply sat around waiting for Jim to call. Jim had not requested such passivity on her part, nor was she herself aware of how she had curtailed her life. As she did so, she placed more burdens on the relationship since she was now dependent on it for any source of social stimulation. Naturally, her demands took away much of the spontaneity and mutual sharing and eventually destroyed the relationship. Rhoda had actually created a prison in which she had placed herself, and she expected Jim to join her. Rhoda's actions demonstrated the position of morbid dependency,3 in which her partner became the center of her exis- tence; her fear was that she would antagonize and lose him. -Another type of addiction is one in which we expect our loved one to live out an unrecognized or undeveloped aspect of ourselves. In other words, we live vicariously through their accomplishments in an area in which we would like to develop ourselves. Susan fell in love with a designer, whom we will call Jerry. Jerry was a handsome man and was in a profession in which Susan had had a lifelong interest. When the relationship ended, she was devastated. In the course of therapy, she realized that she had attempted to live her life through Jerry and that her desire to attend design school was not a dream but could be- come a reality. She enrolled in a design course and quickly passed through her mourning period for Jerry. Mildred represents another example of a person with relationship diffi- culties. She came into therapy because of an unsatisfying marriage. She and her husband no longer talked with each other. She obeyed his orders, never questioning them, as her anger built up and blocked the possibility for her to experience any tender or positive feelings for him. Mildred is an example of a detached love addict, who avoids conflict by withdrawing from others and by becoming an onlooker of life.• However, anger is not an emotion to avoid. It is a sympathetic passion; it unites persons because it is mixed with desire."s Mark is an example of an expansive type of lover; he had to be in control of the person who was the temporary object of his affections. Though he was not willing to reciprocate, he demanded exclusivity of Lucy; once he

I I I I I I I I I I I PUBLIC FORUM 255 possessed or controlled her as he had many other women, he rapidly lost interest. The conquest had been made. Unfortunately, he was the real loser, since he was constantly in search of a new, exciting relationship. Once achieved, however, it never met his expectations or rigid specifications. IN LOVE WITH THE IMAGE "I must have been under a spell," Genevieve suddenly stated several months after her breakup with Joe. She suddenly saw him in a completely different light. A man whom she had idealized now appeared immature and not all that attractive. Suddenly she was able to see Joe as a"real person" with whom she didn't have much in common. The question she now set about to answer was what had blinded her from viewing him realistically earlier. Sometimes the image can be a protection from the anxieties of everyday realities. Genevieve had been overwhelmed when caring for her sick par- ents, and "her idealized" relationship with Joe provided a needed diversion. However, there was not enough which was real to sustain the relationship once the traumatic epoch of her life had passed. Dana had an opposite experience of having married her husband when she was in love with her "image" of him. During the course of therapy, she came tb see him as a real person and fell in love with him as the real man with assets and liabilities. She was able to navigate the road from romantic to real love. ADDICTION AND ANXIETY ~ All of these types of love or relationship addictions have at their root the purpose of warding off anxiety. Horney has said that anxiety (basic) stems from childhood. Because the child was not permitted to grow according to his individual needs and possibilities, he has failed to develop a sense of , belonging and instead is left with insecurity and apprehensiveness.° How- , ever, anxiety may be viewed from many different angles. Anxiety "can be generated from a change in our sense of self, rather than ~ a change in the environment or simply by recognizing certain shifts in the power balances in the world in which we operate."' Moreover, "if anxiety is prevalent, it is an advantage to consider it a motivating positive force and a potential source of power,"a In our rapid-paced, competitive culture, there ~ is the expectation that we know who we are and what we want, and that we experience no anxiety or conflict about it. Why else would hundreds of thousands of prescriptions for tranquilizers, especially valium, be given out ~ so liberally! For the middle class, addictive relationships have taken the place of addic- tZ ~ ~ C ~ i\Z C3T ~ -- W

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 256 PUBLIC FORUM tive drugs, to buoy us up in the uncertain turbulence of life. The problem is that our security measures leave us imprisoned in our compulsive moves to ward off this anxiety, in relationships we use as drugs to provide us with an illusion of a sense of self, rather than accepting our anxiety and working on becoming a complete person within ourselves. The more we are able to realize our own unique potentials, the more we can provide the context for a relationship which allows individual as well as mutual growth. Another feeling which may be misinterpreted and shunned is excitement, that is, the heightened energy mobilization which occurs whenever there is strong concern and strong contact, whether erotic, aggressive, creative, or whatever. The neurotic invariably attempts to control excitement. He at- tempts to create the illusion for himself and others of being unmoved, of re- maining calm and collected, and self-controlled.' The creative self is re- quired to leap into uncertaintyt0, and anxiety is a natural consequence. ARE THERE DIFFERENT PATTERNS IN MEN AND WOMEN? Are women more susceptible to "love" addiction than men? Most likely. because of the conditioning in our culture, women have been taught to place more emphasis on relationship and attachments. Maggie Scarf'0 has recently documented that it is the loss of relationships or attachments which lie at the root of many women's depressions. Women have not been given the message that they are to transcend the daily realities. When a man gets depressed it is more likely to relate to whether he has made it in the world, whether he is in control, powerful, and a master of the environment. For a woman, "'loving issues,' still come first. Women still want to know if they are lovable, worthwhile, cared for, in contact." Because of cultural conditioning, women in general show different styles of "relationship" or "love" addiction. Women have been taught to wait for the knight in shining armor, to give up their needs for him when he does arrive, and thus they tend more toward a pattern of dependency. From early childhood, the woman is taught that in her repertoire are two personae: one is to be "the desirable object," and the other is "to live for another."This role will school her in self-forgetfulness, service and sacrifice, in nurturing rather than initiating behaviors." Above all, it will teach her to "sleep-to wait, forever if necessary, for the expected other who will make her life meaningful and fulfilled."12 Men, on the other hand, have been given the message to go out and con- quer the world and "may attempt to control" the relationship, showing a more expansive style. "Men, from their earliest years, are weaned away from dependence on attachments and learn to find their fulfillment in enterprise, achievement, adulation. The kind of relationship they require is so often not I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I PUBLIC FORUM 257 one of mutuality but a one-sided, disproportionate need for ego reinforce- ment."13 CHANGES IN THE CULTURE SCENE These patterns are changing, however. At the 1980 APA meeting, a film was shown of a young man who chose to raise his young son while his wife chose to go out to work. Other couples now attempt to equally divide the child care obligations between them. And of course, many of us are familiar with the movie Kramer vs. Kramer, depicting struggles of the separated father, who places greater importance upon rearing his child than upon the advancement of his career, and the dire consequences attendant on this. Michael Crichton, author of the Andromeda Strain, described a phenom- enon which he has encountered in Beverly Hills, which he calls "the feminine macho."" This is a woman who appears to him to be interested in conquest rather than a relationship, she may tell her lover, for example, that he is the 209th man in her series of seductions, reminiscent of Don )uan's boasts of the numbers of women that he has seduced. THE QUESTION OF TRANSCENDENCE Has it really been easier for a man to transcend his daily existence than for a woman to transcend hers? The answer depends upon how we define transcendence. If we mean accomplishment in the world, the answer is cer- tainly yes. If we are talking about becoming a fully self-realizing human being,15 who admits the need for constructive human relationships as well as the development of unique talents in the world, the dilemma has not been minimal for men in this society. "Because the masculine role is domi- nant and associated with superior status, deviation from it by males is less tolerated . . . 'it is more important for a boy to be all boy than for a girl to be all girl' remains constant throughout the life span."'s Men too have been bound by cultural stereotypes and must break free of these in order to live a fuller existence. Before the women's movement of the 60s, men were more consistently given the message that their goal in life was to achieve in the world. They were not told that intimate relationships were worthy of their time, effort, and attention. So men, too, if they are to be fully self-realizing people, must work toward an awareness of their need for attachment, to develop the affiliative aspects necessary for mutually gratifying interpersonal relationships. ~ THE CULTURAL MESSAGE ~ I have mentioned that it is anxiety which propels us into presumed moves ~ ~ ~ ~ CR I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 258 PUBLIC FORUM of apparent safety, i.e., into either addictive relationships or relationships with addictive or compulsive components. Though our culture is more psychologically minded than many others and is becoming increasingly so, with more people majoring in psychology and entering various types of therapy and self-help groups, we have not come to accept that anxiety is an inherent aspect of daily living. It is only recently that detrimental effects of attempting to quell anxiety by means of tons of tranquilizers have been recognized. In other words, in order to appreciate that anxiety can be and is a constructive force of living and a necessary part of it, effort is required. The message in our culture is to deny our distress in our search for meaning and self-realization. In the physiological realm, Hans Selye has documented the value of eus- tress," an optimal amount of stress in our daily life, and he notes that each of us has a stress formula which we must discover within ourselves. Too little stress, or too much avoidance of anxiety, in the psychological realm, leads to stagnation. THE DEVELOPMENTAL ASPECTS What are the developmental factors that lead us into addictive relation- 'shipsi' It is usually the mother who is the first object of our love and often when the relationship with her has been lacking in a significant way, there is failure to develop a sense of.self, and a tendency to need affirmation, ap- proval, or mirroring of this self before we can go beyond to relate in a less self-involved manner. A mother may dish out her affections like a mollusk,18 alternately opening and inviting intimacy, affection, and exploration, then closing abruptly, strin- gently, when the child demands or discovers too much. This kind of inter- action results in an increasing dependency upon the mother; the child is "teased and starved into a symbiotic attachment." The child is never given enough unconditional caring to allow him to separate and individuate from the mother. Without a sense of self and self-worth, the child cannot go be- yond this stage of psychological development, and in adulthood remains stuck or addicted to this type of relationship, in which he is still trying to obtain the approval and approbation of who he is. He may be "addicted" to the same ungratifying intimate relationship he has known via his mother and/or father. There has been much emphasis in our culture on how this kind of un- satisfying mothering has made women dependent upon this relationship. The absence of physicality between mother and daughter,'9 which is the most direct communication of security and approval a mother can give, means that the daughter will not really be as rich in autonomy and self- I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 1 I PUBLIC FORUM 259 esteem and will be more likely to hold on to men who treat her badly, for whatever crumbs of love may be available to her. Much less has been written in the psychiatric literature about the role of the father, who provides a role model for his son and an example of what a husband is supposed to be, and who greatly influences his daughter's choice of husband in the future. Again, partly because of cultural condition- ing, very often the father is unavailable physically and emotionally and re- mains detached in relationship to his developing daughter. An emotionally distant relationship contributes to her difficulties in forming a constructive intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. A father who has been "everything" to his daughter also presents problems and may leave her with "an idealized image" of daddy, which can never be met in reality.20 She may be destined to flounder forever in search of the nonexistent ideal. Men too, suffer from the absence of a father. Arthur, a man in his early thirties, whose father had left his mother shortly before he was born, lacked a sense of who he was. He chose not to identify with the small town's people with whom he was raised, many of whom automatically assumed a position in the local factory. He moved from the country to the city, where he rapidly rose to the top of his self-made business. Although handsome and extremely successful, with the choice of many women, he chose and clung to a woman with whom the relationship was most unsatisfying. She quickly became "special" to him. Part of the special- ness.seemed to lie in the lack of continuous gratification and the tantalizing pattern of withholding followed by unpredictable fulfillment. This alternating pattern served to build the intensity as well as level of frustration. Unfortu- nately, these highs and lows sapped his energy, yet he felt compelled to repeat these patterns. Arthur openly admitted that he did not have a sense of identity or self-worth and feared to go beyond this °addictive" relationship. Jennifer, a young woman whose father died when she was 9 years old, showed a similar pattern of involvement with a man whom she found most attractive, but who shared none of her interests and was available only un- predictably. How much relates to a replication of the relationship with an inconsis- tently giving mother and/or a detached unavailable father is an individual matter. The individual must recognize the deficits in development in the course of therapy, try to fill in the gaps via the therapeutic relationship and other friendships, and develop his/her own unique talents. This pattern of highs and lows has been described as "limerance" by Vir- ginia Tennov.21 It is not an uncommon phenomenon, and I believe, has at least some of its roots in childhood development in which the child simply did not receive enough consistent caring or constant, unambivalent mes- sages of caring so that he could form a stable sense of identity and form more continuously gratifying intimate relationships. I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 260 PUBLIC FORUM THE NEED FOR TRANSCENDENCE Betsy, a very attractive woman in her mid-30s, came into therapy disillu- sioned by the failure of her intimate relationships with men. In the course of our sessions she realized that she had felt disappointed since the 60s. Noth- ing had measured up in terms of purpose and excitement since the sense of commitment she had experienced during this exciting period in her life. Since then, she had invested much of her energy in "addictive" relationships which didn't have the quality of transcendence which she sought. Naturally, without her realizing it, each relationship was bound to end in disillusion- ment. She was unconsciously asking for more than any relationship could supply. She needed a cause, a purpose in her existence which transcended any single intimate relationship (though not as a substitute). "There is ... a need for creative self investment in the world, [a need for] a commitment to a perspective or a way of being."22 Then one person can come together with others to share meaningful experiences in the world. THE OBSTACLES The obstacles for the two most difficult functions which I see in our exis- tence, namely, the need for self-realization and the task of parenting (which more people are choosing to forego today), we are given no direction, no education, not even the message that we must naturally struggle with these issues. On the contrary, we are expected to find purpose and meaning in our lives beyond the daily routines of existence, and it is assumed that we know how to parent. Anxiety, confusion, uncertainty, and questioning are natural states of being. Yet no one tells us that. Many of my clients and, indeed, I too have had the experience of identifying with the little boy in the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, who shouts that the emperor is wearing no clothes.23 When we finally acknowledge the natural state of being naked in our anxiety, we feel privy to special information and also relieved that we no longer have to hide our anxiety from ourselves. Yet few of us achieve this realization and come to accept ourselves in a state of continuing growth and change. In- stead, we turn to what we think is the easy way out, to tranquilizers and/or to addictive relationships in an attempt to hide from our anxiety. The actress-writer, Liv Ullman, describes her transition in her autobiog- raphy, Changing: "I found pleasure in my newfound ability to make my own decisions (even when they were bad), took delight in my work, in being angry, in weeping, in laughing, in living. Joy in allowing myself to be me, positive or negative. It wasn't any miracle that had changed me. I didn't live happily ever afterward. I was often afraid."2' ~ . ~ ~ - ~ Cft ~ ~

I I I I I I I I I I I I I PUBLIC FORUM 261 THERAPY AS THE MIDDLE GROUND Psychotherapy is often the long, uneasy, though ultimately rewarding road which we must travel if we are to achieve the state of awareness in which we can come to recognize the necessity of allowing our self-realizing process and our individual need for transcendence. In the course of therapy, we can complete some of the developmental deficits wliich keep us bound to a repetition of the past. Once this task is completed, we can live for "our- selves" in the present and establish our own unique goals for the future. THE COURSE OF THERAPY What happened to some of the addictive lovers in the course of therapy? Rhoda, the woman who thought that love involved giving up all her hob- bies and friends, enrolled in a college course, became involved with the development of her own talent in designing, and much to her surprise, found that as a self-realizing woman, with a sense of her own self worth, she was not less but more attractive to men. As Pietropinto and Simenauer ex- press it: "Men today have turned to women more for companionship, that is, as an equal, someone to share experiences with, someone who has nearly equal sensitivity and intellectual perception. Men not only are accepting women as equals, but have a desire for them as such."25 Mildred, the woman bound to an unsatisfying marriage, which did not allow her to voice her opinions for fear of conflict, realized that she was responding to her husband as she had to her mother in the past, trying to please her and keep the peace. When she did express her opinion to her husband, he readily responded to her new style of interaction. Unfortunately, the outcome is not always as favorable. When another woman, Sara, requested more interaction and affection from her husband, he told her he preferred matters left in the detached and distant style. If she wanted any changes, she would have to make them herself. Left with no choice except to settle for what she called a "relationship with no relation- ship," she courageously chose to move out of the situation and endure the financial and emotional difficulties entailed but to ask for more from life. She chose to continue her self-realizing process. SUMMARY One aspect of self-realization is to work on constructive intimate relation- ships in which another person adds to the richness of our existence and expands our horizons. The other person is not a substitute for our self-devel- opment nor someone who can make up for our developmental deficits. (Or G'7 ~ ~ Cit  . ~

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 262 PUBLIC FORUM if this is the case, at least one should become aware of it, since such a rela- tionship is most likely not completely free of some contamination from the past.) When we are in touch with our active, striving, self-realizing self, we have the freedom and choice to "love." Loving implies that we can accept the person for what and who he is, apart from our compulsive needs from him. Certain needs are real and if not met, the relationship is not gratifying. Shar- ing warmth, caring, affection, and mutual growth as individuals as well as a couple are aspects of a constructive relationship. Hopefully, we will also expand our horizons to include friendships (out- side marriage), relationships between equals, whether of the same sex or not, which include intimacy, loyalty, sharing that is unconditional and un- selfish. Though it has been said that friendship, in the true sense of the word, is the most singularly uncultivated capacity in American social rela- tions,N when we do achieve it, it can add tremendously to our existence. REFERENCES 1. Simon, ). Love: addiction or road to self realization."Arn. 1. Psychoanal., 35: 359- 364, 1975. 2. New York Times, February 14, 1981, p. 15. 3. Homey, K. Neurosis and Human Growth, New York: Norton, 1950, p. 247. 4. Pinsky, A. Love and sex in resigned people, Summary of lecture given at the New School, prepared by ACAAP, 1951. 5. Perls, F. Hefferline, and Goodman, Gestalt Therapy. New York: Dell, 1951. p. 344. 6. Homey, K., Neurosis and Human Growth, p. 18. 7. Gaylin, W. Feelings, New York: Harper and Row, 1979. 8. DeRosis, H. Women and Anxiety. New York: Delacorte Press, 1979, p. 104. 9. Reference 5, pp. 128-9. 10. Scarf, M. Unfinished Business: Pressure Points in the Lives of Women. New York: Doubleday, 1980. 11. Goldberg, C., In Defense of Narcissism. New York: Gardner Press, 1980, p. 74. 12. Kolbenschlag, M., Kiss Sleeping Beauty Goodbye. New York: Doubleday, 1979, p. 12. 13. I bid., pp. 119-120. 14. Crichton, M. Presented at the 1980 APA Meeting, San Francisco. 15. Reference 3, p. 308. 16. Reference 12, p. 11. 17. Selye, H. Stress Without Distress. New York: Signet, 1975. 18. Reference 12, p. 47. 19. Friday, M. My Mother/Myself. New York: Dell, 1979. 20. Ibid., p. 275. 21. Tennov, D. Love and Limerance, The Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and Day, 1979. 22. Reference 10, p. 13. 23, Hans Christian Anderson, Fairy Tales. 24. Ullman, L. Changing, New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1977. I