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Serious Forp Addicted Spenders r ~ by Janet E Damon I I I I PRICE STERN SLOAN I

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I Chapter 3 . . . . . . . . . . The Nature of Addiction t he first step toward recovery from a compulsive shop- ping habit is to recognize that shopping can be a serious addiction. It is often difficult for people to accept this concept, because shopping is something that everyone does. However, you might consider this. Everyone eats, yet compulsive overeating is recognized as an addiction. Many people have an alcoholic beverage now and then, but compulsive drinking leads to alcoholism. Addictions do not always endanger physical aspects of health, but they always have a severely detrimental effect on psychological health. There are two main categories of addiction: substance abuse and addictive behavior. Behavioral addictions can be attached to almost anything: sex, gambling, work, television, exercising, and of course, shopping. None of these activities is inherently . 49 . I

I I I I I I I I 1 I ShopahoCics dangerous or destructive. It is only when they begin to interfere with other aspects of life that they become a problem. When the behavior begins to take control-causing the person to act in- appropriately, deny and try to escape from problems, and go against personal values-it should be considered an addiction. When confronted with the idea that shopping is an addiction, many compulsive spenders react with denial. Even those who admit to the problem often resist seeking help. They are typically upstanding members of the community and do not want to be associated with an alcoholic lying in a doorway or a junkie in a shooting gallery. Granted, there is a difference, in that the junkie or alcoholic often ceases to function in and contribute to sociery. This is the opposite of compulsive shoppers whom I treat, who usually contribute a great deal to society. A defensive posture only serves to keep the shopping addict from admitting the impact of his or her compulsion and seeking help. It stands in the way of progress and recovery. It is based on the false assumption that being addicted means a person is bad, worthless and destructive to society. Many addicted people are destructive only to themselves and sometimes to their loved ones. Certain characteristics are shared by most addictive personali- ties. This chapter will address these qualities in general, and also discuss how they are manifested specifically in compulsive shopping. This should make clear that compulsive shopping can be an, addiction that demands recognition and treatment. Failed Standards of Perfection Many addictive people are among those with the highest stan- dards and aspirations. They have unrealistically grand ex- pectations of themselves. When they don't live up to them, they plunge into despair. They cannot forgive themselves for being

I I I I P, I I I I I I I I I I I The Nature ojAddicrion flawed and imperfect, as all of us are, so they drown their disappointment in addiction. Often the parents of compulsive shoppers have an illusion of the "perfect child" and instill these unrealistic expectations into their offspring during their upbringing. To compensate for their own self-doubts, these parents see everything in terms of black and white, good and bad. What follows is a child, and later an adult, who feels branded as a failure. This situation can also create a primary addiction: the addiction to perfection. "No matter how hard I tried, it seemed I was never good enough for my mother," said Jamie. "If I got seven A's and one B on my report card, she'd remark on the B. She'd say something like, `You'll never get a scholarship if you don't get top marks, and we can't afford to pay for your college.' That made both my father and me feel Iike failures in one fell swoop." Jamie's father, however, would not only lavishly praise her achievements, he would also buy her something as a reward. However, pretty things could never make up for the feeling that she had failed her mother. She was never good enough. How could she be? Children who grow up with parents who set impossible stand- ards for them become hooked on performance and self- packaging. They lose their natural spontaneity in a rush to attain and achieve. This leads to a level of pressure that needs an outlet. That outlet is often an addiction of one sort or another. Many addictive personalities not only have great expectations of themselves, they also have them of others. When others disappoint them, it increases the bitterncss and sense of betrayal they already feel. Jamie expected her husband to be the perfect lover, father and provider all in one, offering an everflowing abundance of unconditional love. When he failed to live up to her I

I I I I 1 I I I I Si:opaholics ideal and manifested human flaws, their marriage broke up. The ancient Greeks had a word to describe the tragic flaw of their mythological heroes: hubris, meaning an excessive amount of pride. This is the downfall of many modern men and women as well. It is linked to an idealized self that recognizes no human limitations. The flip side of this coin is inevitably the low self- esteem that results from the failure to constantly live up to this ideal. We often turn to addictive behavior because we are at war with ourselves. Whether it's drugs or shopping, the addiction serves as an opiate to dull the pain of the wounds suffered in this inner civil war. But there is another, much healthier solution. We can make peace with ourselves by accepting our flaws, our limitations, our defects. We should not only accept them, we should love them! Remember they are what make us living, feeling human beings. Everyone agrees it is virtuous to be kind, easygoing and forgiving with others. However, in order to be sincerely tolerant and accepting of others, it is necessary that we cultivate genuine self-love and self-acceptance. We should learn to love ourselves and be happy and peaceful, even when we do things that are "wrong." Castigating ourselves only results in more pain; it won't erase limitations or disappointments. On the contrary, not loving ourselves and being gentle with ourselves when we are most flawed or vulnerable only perpetuates our behavior. Loving ourselves with our imperfections frees us to be the best we can-and that is always "right." The ability to free ourselves from self-criticism and nurture ourselves in any condition or circumstance has a wonderful side effect: it allows us to be open to others and truly love them for who they are. It is virtually impossible to be an emotional victim in the world when acceptance is the major theme in one's life. .S2 .

I The Nature of Addiction I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I Seeking Control, Living in Chaos When parents fail to give their children an inner sense of security, they develop a great need for control over their actions and their environment. They become locked into rigid patterns of behavior in order to obtain a false sense of security. Life becomes an automatic series of responses instead of spontaneous, free- flowing experiences. Needing to be in control is actually a manifestation of deeply felt insecurity and anxiety. Buying cameras and reselling them at a higher price gave Richard a feeling of control over others. He loved making a profit and getting better and newerequipment. He needed this sense of control to compensate for the helplessness he felt because of his mother's death and his father's weakness. Richard was an anxiety-ridden person who had never resolved his parental issues. His need for control was great, but that type of compulsion begs for release. The "highs" of his camera "wheel- ing and dealing" provided this release, so buying and selling took precedence over all other aspects of his life. This locked him into a narrow world. The need to control leads to a great deal of suffering. People try to control because they are fearful of the world in general and change in particular. Controlling personalities are susceptible to addictions because they so desperately need release from fear and anxiety. They lack faith that they can be the architects of their lives, with legitimate control over their destinies. Instead of allowing themselves healthy and appropriate freedom, they lose themselves in addiction. In Latin, the word "addiction" comes from the word "surrender. When~an addiction is , com- pulsive s ioppers surret~d t thsir internat aower a~ give them- selves up to shqppJ:n&,...The addiction creates chaos in their lives, leading to a greater yearning for control. This exacerbates the . 53 . I

I I I I I i I I I I I I I I I I I I Shopaholics desire for release through shopping, so another downward spiral of addiction results. To be a relaxed person and live a free and happy life, it is important to learn to let go, to relinquish control when appropri- ate. In order to feel secure, it is necessary to perceive the world as basically safe and sympathetic, not hostile. This is difficult because of the constant stream of news about violence. Remem- ber that violence is news because it is outside the norm, and it doesn't have to infringe on our world view. We can create as much peace or strife as we choose in our own worlds and within our own homes. Once we can let go of internal fears, the need to control is no longer paramount. We feel safer than ever because we are more in touch with the natural rhythms of the world and ourselves. No one can fully control himself, others or the environment. Trying to do so only results in constriction and pain. Letting go of control results in a fuller, more expansive life. Trying to maintain tight control also limits growth. Growth and change can be painful, which is why many people try to resist them. But they are inevitable and integral parts of life, without which one stagnates and eventually experiences either spiritual or physical death. Clinging to an addictive behavior can be an effort to maintain stasis, to keep things as they are. Buddhist philosophy states that all human suffering stems from an attempt to resist change in a universe that is constantly in flux. We can all learn from this: it is vital to accept the ebb and flow of life. Acceptance of this philosophy is not easy and initially can inspire fear. However, if we can learn to live moment by moment, attempting to make the everyday special, our lives will be greatly enhanced. This attitude e 54 0 i

I I I I I I I I The Nature of Addiction develops inner strepgth and resources, and a wellspring of inner resources eliminates the need for addiction. When we do something long enough, we often begin to believe on a subconscious level that we must keep doing it in order to survive-even if we consciously acknowledge that it is de- structive behavior. These negative thought patterns can be as addictive as any drug. However, they can be changed by employ- ing affirmations and other techniques that will be discussed in depth in the latter part of this book. Once you stop clinging to the belief that the past inevitably shapes your present and future, negativity loses its power. You can dump the garbage of the past and begin to take the necessary steps to create the life you want for yourself. Dependency Dependent personalities d_evelop when parents fail to make their children feel safe and secure during tlzhe separation process. w5"en these children mature, they may become dependent on other people to make decisions for them and take care of them because they fear standing on their own. These people have a pttdisposi- tion toward compulsive and addictive behavior. Addicted people depend on their habit to relieve tension and provide an escape from problems they don't want to face. ency needs can be overt or subtle. Many compulsive I I I I I I I IfikIlWling to others, while some pretend they need no one. Regardless of the particular stance that shopping addicts project, they harbor grave doubts regarding their self-reliance and self- esteem. Deep down, they still feel like helpless children who need someone to depend on. If they turn to people who deeply love them, they often find fault or deficiency in this love. They . 55 . I

Shopaholics devalue the person who loves them because they don't feel deserving of that love. How could anyone of any true value love them? The addiction substitutes for the unconditional love of the parent/caretaker. At this point the thought of an equal partnership may be threatening, but as the addiction is shed the possibilities for true partnership increase. Denial and Avoidance Just as many addictive personalities deny their dependency needs, they also deny anger, fear and other negative emotions. Lisa denied her outrage at the incidents of molestation in her youth, telling herself that she had gotten over them a long time ago. But having never gotten in touch fully with her rage and guilt, she had not truly recovered. Because the anger had not been released, it festered inside and resulted in shopping binges as a form of self-punishment and revenge. By not honoring her struggle and pain, Lisa denied not only her anger, but her very being. To honor yourself means respecting and dealing with both the good and bad events in your life. Only if you acknowledge them can you master the traumas you have suffered. Denial lends them more power. Compulsive activities are often used to fill em , i mo- ments and avoid mak~ng contact wt the inner self. The addictive behavior is an attempt to avoid experiencing what is occurring in one's mind and soul. "When I go shopping, I forget about ,__everything that's bothering me," is a statement made by many compulsive shoppers in group sessions. By becoming absorbed in the addictive behavior, people reach an almost hypnotic state. Tbis diverts them from the things they are denying, the things that ; make them uncomfortable. This numbed consciousness also pre- vents them from taking in life fully. .56 .

I I I I I i I I I I I I I I I I I The Naturt of Asdicrion Support groups are very important in dealing with addictions, because once the addictive behavior is stopped, many distressing thoughts reach consciousness. The mind is somewhat like a pool that has been neglected for a long time; the debris must be cleared away before you can enjoy swimming in it. This process can be unpleasant, but that is temporary and certainly preferable to addiction. Once the denied experiences and feelings are dealt with, one can experience life in a more whole, vibrant and fully awake manner than ever before. Deception and Shame Denial is a means by which people deceive themselves. Once self-deception is mastered, a person can easily deceive others, especially if he or she is ashamed of an addiction. This dishonesty leads to greater shame and negative feelings. Compulsive shoppers hide purchases like alcoholics hide bot- tles. Many addicted spenders stuff clothing behind other outfits in their closets in order to hide it from their spouses. They also develop other tricks of deception. "Sometimes, I'll wear some- thing I got during a shopping binge and Jeff will say, 'You went out and bought another new dress?' in an accusing kind of way. And I'll say something like, 'I've had this dress for years, but you never remember what I wear anyhow,'" said Anne. "That gets him all confused. He doesn't know what's new or what's old or how much I'm spending. I can't honestly say I feel good about lying to Jeff, but I feel so ashamed and nervous, I don't know what else to do." Another thing that Anne and many compulsive shoppers routinely do is lie about prices, making the purchases sound like irresistible bargains. Ibis deception also leads to more shame and less self-respect. I