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t e Wh y Sorne "Coocl"HusbuRds Run Awv Ify UuNnTll1AsU UE'.V .NFRS0.Y Y It was a blazing August morning• But as Mary Brsdley walked up the flagstone path. glancing at the letters she had just removed from the mailbox, she was suddenly overcome by a sense of chill foreboding. One envelope was in the unmistakable handwriting of her husband. Kent- not from Philadelphia, where he had gone on business, but post- marked "Grand C'entral, N.Y." Tearing it o n with trembling finqers, Mary read: "I'm leaving you. For . It'll be better for both of us, and for the children. I've sold car, and am mailing their next term's tuition to the school. I ha 't tuuched the joint checking or saving accounts. iieep them. I get set, I'll send you what- ever money I can. Sorry our marrl didn't work nut. I nttrod it as long as I could. But I can't take , v more. Kent." At first, Mary felt nothing. She was too ml,etl Iry disbelief and shock. Kent ceouldn't have left her. Not a?hkr fifteen years together. Bewildered and frightened. Mary hurried into the Ttaµse. As she looked around, the familiar rooms seemed strangelyieny and she felt lost and alone in a hostile world. Tragically, she was not alone. In America today there are over two and a half million women who have been abandoned by their hunband+. During the coming year, at least 100,000 more men will desert their wives and familie . It is an ever- expanding cycle that entraps a growing riumher of victims. Actually even this is only a fragment of the picture. For desertions are the best-kept secret in the breakdown of modern marriage: As Solomon Weiss, executive director of the Family Location Service, explains, "Leia than 25 percent of the women deserted by their husbands ever come to public nntice-antl then only unwittinqh', when economic pressure fetrces them to seek help from welfare agencies or the Kovernmrnt's- Aid to Dependent Children Program." The wher ?5 percent fight it out alone, making rt•r.ry conceivable sacrifice tn keep the world from knowing their plight. What makes hu<bantls run'away? The principal rcaaonr are infidelity, drinking. gambling, in-law interference and irre.pon- sibility, reports the Farnily Location Service. But the Family Location report is bas~l nnly on the runawav husbands who have become official =tati.:tic.r, mainly men in the lower-income group. It does nnt cnclude the vast majority whose wives never report their di;rppearance-among =,ntinned .n page 122 JANUARV 1%B them thousands of men like Mary's hus- band. Kent. Such deserting husbands ate in the middle- and upper-income groups, and usually eara a minimum of $10,000 a year. Rising young eaecutlves, businessmen and profesaionals, they are of the type conunonly associated with economic success and domestic stability. "Shese are the men," says Dr. Babacn Liswoed• director of the Maeriage Coun- seling Service of Greater New York, "whom psychologists sometimes refer to as the 'good husbaoda.' The forces that impel them to flee are much more eom- plex aod subtle than those open.ting in the eaae of the usual runaw,.y hus- Most of theae "good husb.nds," Dr. Lisrrood pointa out, are reapected mam- ben of the eotnmunity who strive to provide their families with "every- thing." In their business and ptofes- sional lives they make keett, objective decisions as a matter of course. Yet in some atau of their private lives their judgments are curiously u»realistie. Such men allow social pressutes-par- ticularly status symbols-to dominate their thinking and spending. Equally unrealistic wives and meddling relatives compound the pn-ssure. Often the re- sutt is an increasing mound of debt, building up through the yeara. With it eomes mutual resentment, ene¢tinR a barrier between husband and wife. Mis- understandings mtolder and flame. Sex, instead of bein: ao expreaaion of lo.e, frequently becomes an unconscious ea- presaion of hostility. SYentually any--or aihf thfse pres- surea touch off the psychic explosion that hurls a man into the role of rtm- away husband. It usually happens after ten to fifteen years of marriage. Often it is triggered by the man's shattering tton that he will never be able to teve his self-impoeed goals. nting all thaee devious forces fs the brAkdown in eommunintlon be- twe.u hm and wife. This was what Mary waa be R to eetlire that Au- gust morning as searched for the reason for Kent's ppeannee. This had been the'tr 8nt er alone to- gether. With John and J1tLe away at camp, she had hoped she'~ttd Kent might recapture .ama of the Qbaeness they onae had kTtown. But somehow. through the years, the same woNji seemed to have acquired different, meatunga. With a pang. she rem«mhered their last weekmd +nRether. Sunday after- noon they had quarreled bitterly. it be- Ran with a remark by Mary that attend- ing the country-club party the night h.fore had been a waste of money- the food and service had been terrtble. Kent retorted sharply that joining the club had been Mary's idea in the Mt place. '1'hat's when everything went out of forus. Baariminatlona ne.v back and forth, each unaware of the preruns that ware undermining their marriage, and eaeh, in eagry bewildermant, atrik- <. ~.,..a.~s.,.

s ing out at the other. Kent accused Mary of extravagance. She charged he waa to blame. "You and your mother are driving me hankrupt," snapped Kent. "Noiwdy has to drive you;" retorted Mary. "You know all the shortcuts." She'd had the last word-literally. Kent did not speak to her for the re- - mamder of the evening. In the morntng he studiously ignored her as they sat across from each ether at the breaktast table. He was still seething over their quarrel. Mary could feel her own anger rising again. But she suppresaed it "What tune will you be home tomor- row?" she asked. - "When I get here," said Kent shortly. "Arty other questions?" She wanted to ask why he'd packed three suits, including a tweed winter suit for a two-day trip in Attgtut. But she suddenly remembered, with a faint feeling of guilt, that she had neglected to get hts sutnnter suits back from the cleaner's. Now, as she compulsively read and reread Keni s farewell letter. Mary knew why he had packed the suits. He must have made up hu mind on Sunday night that he'd leave her, 'Ihat's when he had taken the suits out of his closet right afur their quarreL But it couldn't have been just the quarrel, she told herself. Then had been other such ar- gumenn during the past year. (Like the wives of so many other "good" hus- bands, Mary did not recogoisa that in this repetitious pattern lay part of the design for disaster.) He11 call, Mary thought hopefully. As if in mockery, the phone didn't ring all day. When it finally did, as she waa trying to swallow a few spoonfuls of soup for supper, the words were out of her mouth before she knew it "Oh, Kent!" she cried. "Kent!" said her mother sharply. "Isn't he home? Wasn't he due back to- night? Is something wrong?" "Nothing ... nothing at all:" faltered Mary. "Kent was delayed by btuinesa in Philadelphia. He didn't know fcr how long. He said he'd call. And when the Defendant's Exhibit AJ 12?O instinctive ganging up of men against They usually leave because of another the common eaemy, the wife. The fear woman." that her secret might be known made "Not Kent!" flared Mary. "If there Mary break into tears. were another woman, I would have "The deserted wife." points out Jo- seph E. Stagtnan. former assistant di- rector of the Family Location Service, "may feel shame, gutlt, humiliation, failure or anger. Often she feels that she has failed in her marriage, that the chil- dren will consider her responsible for the father'a having left, and that her friends and neighbors will think her husband walked out on her because she did not know how to be a good wife." Fighting down her emb.rrasament. Mary went to see Frank Denton, Kent's superior at the advertising agency where Kent had been a copywriter. "I'm glad you dropped in, Mary," Denton told her earnestly. "Because I want to ansure you that I-personally-had noth- ing to do with Kent's being passed over for that promotion." "I see," said Mary forlornly. ~ -- --°-I j WRgNINI:! There is no connection between I fl this magazine and any sa-olled Good I . Housekeepiog Shop, Good Housekeeping I ~ Stare, Good Housekeeping Distributors, ; i Good Housekeeping Products, Good House• I + keaptng Centers, or any product or service i I usittg the natne Gaoa HaUSEnEEP1Nt. If i you have anY doubts write or wire Gooa HousERZEnNa legal Dept., 959 8th Aw.. ~ ~, New York, N.Y. 10019. L _ _I What she saw was her last hope of finding Kent go glimmering. Although Kent's letter had plainly implied he'd left his job, she had clung to the pos- sibility that he had transferred to one of the firm a out-of-town offices, and that Denton would mention this in con- versation. Instead, Denton said, "Kent quit so suddenly he didn't give me n chance to explain why I couldn't help him." Mary had known nothing of Kent's .xpected promotion. He had lonq ago ceased discusaing his job with her. B!rt known it" "Just as you knew he was going to desert you." retorted her mother. "But whatever the case, Kent must be found. You have to be practical, Mary. Not only for your own sake, but for the children's. You'll never find Kent by yourself. You must go to the police." Relucrarttly Mary went and learned, to her surprise, what is not commonly known: The police will not search for a husband who.deserts his wife. They will send out a missing-persons alarm only if they suspect the husband has been the victim of an accident or foul play. Even then, if it turns out that the husband haa vaztished of his own ac- r.ard, they will not reveal his where- abouts to anyone, istdudinR his wife, but merely report that he u urtharmed. The only exception is when the wife swears out a warrant charging t+imitul abandontnent In that case the husband is hunted down and jailed pending trial. "I couldn't have him arrested!' gasped Mary. shocked by the vision of public disCraace. }(er attitude was typical. Few woman swcar out warranu against their tniss- inR husbanda. So few, in fact that the chnrge of criminal abandonment has fallen into almost total disuse. Instead, a deserted wife is advised to file civil proceedings for nonsupport- Even ff her husband has fled the state, he no longer has to be extradited. Beuuse of reciprocal legislation, he oan ttow be snmmoned before a court anywhere in the United States-except the District of Coltunbia-to arrange for voluntary support. But first the husband has to he found. And the police will not do the searching. That is the wi(e's respon- sibility. Where could she go now? Mary won- dered. And what should she tell the" ehildren' 7hcy were dne home trom ramp in a few days. Much arehe lonRed for their homecomingr she dreaded it Childrrn were stVtt¢ely intuitive about phone rang. . . ." with the new house, the new car, and family trottbkS. "Well, you sound upset," safd her the ehildren's school expenses, she But the'e was no hint of this when mother dubiously. knew now that he must have been tbi-Kldren piled out of the bus in front "No;' said Mary. "Everything is fine." counting heavily on a big salary in-.of the door e:uberant t1-year-old lu- It was the first thrnd in the web of crease to pull him out of his Hnazaefal lie. and John, 14, lean and blond like lies and evasions which most deserted quagmire. Losing the prom mu.t his father. wives feel forced to spin to conceal their have been a terrible shuc}s,~I' hat's~~~ ~I'hat's what Before Mary could even greeri them, broken marriage. For Mary could not did it," she told ltaraElf. 'T.tat's what Julie was burbling excitedly, "Daddy face the reality that Kent had deliber- drove him awlya~'Still, a nagging doubt called me last night!" ately left her. She was sure something persisted ,ylAf this could have been the "He called wu," said John disdainful- terrible must have happened to himm anl sew ly. "Person to person." something that had suddenly blinded ch ttight Mary cried herself to With beating heart, Mary listened to his reason and judgmcr.t. ]f she co ' sleep. Each mormnR she arose hoping the detailed recital of the children's talk to him, find himh she migh e Kent would call. With great eHort, <he conversation with Kent She wanted to him see thinRS with new ey managed to go through her routine dai- cry out, "Did he ask for me' Dld he The next day she pii several of ly chores and put on a casual face for send his raeards? Did he even mention his close friends. were as tactful her friends. Kent was away on a pro- me'" Finally, aa Julie paused. Mary aa she tried t : o-they didn't know tracted business trip, she told them. She blurted out, before she could restrain Kent was aw y en a businvsa trip. wasn't quite sure when he'd retum. Her hrrself. "Where ws Daddy calling trotn One friend. however, didn't bother friends didn't question the explanation. --did he say?" being dipiomattc. "Sorry. Mary." he But Mary knew her mother would. Julie shook her heed. Mary turned to said. "I'm afraid I can't help you." Mary told her the truth. 'It was probe- John. "Did he tell you?" Hia bluntnesa devastatee her. Had ably Kent's disappointment over hts "No, Mother. I didn't ask." John Kent tronfided in him? Did he and the job." she said defenaively. looked at her curiously. "Don't yeu othen know where Kent was? Prob- "Nonsenae," said her mother. "Men know where he is?" ably. But they weren't tellfng ... the dq+'t leave their wives because of a job. contsnued on page 126

, I "Chicago. No . . Philadelphia. Yes. That's it. Philadelphia." Julie was now staring at her moth- er. ioo. -Philadelphia?" repeated John. "Thats not far. How eotne Dad doesn't rome home for weekends?" ..Because he cui t" said Mary lamely. "lYs ... it's just impossible." What Mary feared had come to pass. She was sure the children knew. And as the days went by, she did not dare to pretend any longer that she was hear- ing from their father. John-sullen and withdrawn-never mentioned Kent Ju- lie did only once. "Is Daddy dead?" she asked. She stopped playing with her frienda, and only toyed with her food. At night Mary could hear her sobbing in her room. John played hooky frinn school, and was constantly in fiatfWhts. That was when Mary realized the time for hoping and waiting waa past. The children's weLfare was at stake. Kent had to be found-and quickly. Consulting herminister, Mary stresxd the urgency of her problem. The minis- ter made several discreet telephone calls in her behalf. Then he told her that, while marnage counseling and other as- sistance were available, there was no of6cial agency that would search for a deserting husband. The Federal gavern- ment-which spends millions to aid methers of dependent children-has no such facilities. Neither do public or pn- vate welfare organisations. The sole ex- ception is the Famtly Location Service. But because of its limited staH, it rarely accepts cases outside New York City. For Mary the only answer waa a private detective agency. The next day ahe visited the New York City offices of Tracers Company I "Of t:ourse," said Mary in confusion. Defendr.nt's L:JiiL•it AJ litter but speaks like a sociologist- which !te is. Dur.ng the 43 years of its existence, his orgattisation has tracked dtwn more than 75,000 missing husbands. The tna- lonty were "good husbatttii" like Kent. From his experience and training Gold- fader tttidentood that it was not their wtves they were fleeing from, but an accumulation of pressures that had warped their judgment In their confu- sion, some husbands, before they van- ished, even persuaded their wives to have another child. Others, like Kent, added to their burdens by buying new tan and new homes in the vain hope of escaping from reality by changing its outward trappinp. Yet even with their warped judgment these men, when they deaeert, are un- able to suppress some of the basic qualities that make them 'good hus- bands." In more then half the cases, they do as Kent did: leave joint bank accounts and insurance policies itttact; leave the ar, prepay the tuition if the children are attending a private school; and write a note or letter of fatevrelL With Goldfader's assistance, Mary filled out a detailed dossier on Kent The questions covered every conceivable as- pect-hu background, schooling and hobbies, his employment, financial and military record. Was he a Ioner or a joiaer, a talker or a listener? How was he dressed the day he left? What did he take? What did he leave? What were his preferences in music, books and food; in movies, art and sports? On and on the questions went-probing, seek- ing, explonng-until finally Mary lapaed into weary silence. "Are you sure you haven't forgotten something?"persisted Goldfader. "Sometinxs the most trifling detail may be the clue that will lead us to your husband." Mary hesitated. "My mother stupecta Kent ran off with another woman." "I doubt it" said Goldfader. His asaurance was bwd on the Snd- ings of psychiautista and marriage coun- selors, as well as Tracets' records. These reveal that lea than one percent of the "good htubands" who run away do so because of an afSair. What the majority think they want is symbolic bachelor- hood. "How long do you think it will take to find my husband?" Mary asked anx- iously. "Not long;' said Goldfader, "Uniess he's very much different from the oth- er:" Goldfader knew the common run- away pattern of "good husbands." East- ernees generally head for California or Florida; Westenters for Chicago or New York. Some resume their old occup- tions. Others turn to new jobs. But the majority drift along sittilessly, usually financed by their credit cards, and thus rarely hiding their ldentiGes. To almost al1 sooner or Iater, comes a sinking seme of disilltuionmenl, and with it the realiaation that in their flight from reality they have succeeded only in cutting adrift the basic anchors of their lives-their vrives and children. They yearn to go home. But a sense of shame and misguided vanity forbids it They feel they can save face only If they are sought after and found. Finding Kent however, peoved more difficult than Goldfader had expected. Most deserting husbands leave a sub- conscious trail: telephone t:alls to friends, an occasional postcard to wives or children, credit-card receipta that they know will be mailed to their homes. Kent had carefully avoided all this. And when a nationwide check of hotels and hospitals, morgues and po- lirr records failed to turn up a eluo. Croldfader asked Mary to rome In and see him a4ain. He was convinced now that she had n"lected to tell him sumething important Together they went over Mary's atory eqain The details ahe geve were the same. But her viewpoint was somewhat different Wlth the passage of time had come a little more insight "Everything was out of focus with us." said Mary. "And I probably was as much to blame as Kent. Without really meaning to. I guesa I made him feel that getting that /ob promotion was vitat" She bit her lip. "But good as he waa t this job, I don't think it wea tba kind of work Kent really liked." "What did be like?" Inquired Gold- fader. "We hadn't dfatuased tt for yeats.' said Mary. "But when we were fitst married Kent worked for a publishing firm. He changed his occupation be- cause it meant a lot more money. But he often used to say he was aorry he changad." "These are the details you forgot to trll me befoee.' said Goldfader. "It gives new direction to our search." Within two days, the search waa over. The direction was south-Iess than two milrs froen Goldfader's of9ce. Kent had never left New York. He had taken  part-time job with a ie::book publisher and was living In a small. restdenti.i eriea, an interrtSQESSSi•i~!}!aT-" tion that specializes in 6nding miuinR penona. Here she was interviewed by Edward Goldfader, the firni s vice presi- dent, who looks like an Olympic weight - -------- atter l~eut7 ~L tes cT~'_ OJ,gS Sa 15 ~~aPVea~ fiarfia $ev,jhati tri~ ~a~J~ M1 5`CdtlcM1~, n~~ty hap~ta {al~ ear `° ac~ t Ilt4 Secll ~LS~ a~t. ~ p hea a ars °t t° I``~ nte" e ~aM1~ ye fl SJtOC~ ectable cr`` U rz'Q 0 0 et 100, 0v t 1227

I I Defe;ndr.atts L.:.`~ibit A.'Z hotel. Goldfader telephoned Mary the information. "The rest is up to you." he told her. "But what should I do?" she asked in crotehuion. "What should I say to him?" They were questions Coldfader had been answering for ycare. "Stay away from your husband's office. Try to meet him privately. Don't berate him. Don't accuse him. What- cver you do. let him maintain his diitnity." At fir.t, the meeting between Mary and Kent was mrained am they souqht to hide their uncertainty behind politc, stilted phrases. But only for a few moments. Then the barrier was swept away by the realization of their. mutual pain. Still perplexed by the forces that had sepa- rated them, they knew only that they needed and wanted each other. Like so many other "good huabutds," Kent had been waiting to be found. Ninety percent of the "good husbands" who run away are reunited with their wives. And less than one percent ever run away again. But the statistics do not tell the whole story. "Far too often." says Dr. Lnwood, "they mean nothing more than tha: the husband and wife have managed to achieve a do- mestic truee. Bowing to what they mistakenly believe is the inevitable, they go on living a life of inner turmoil as they struggle to maintain an outward peace." For many others, however, the shock of separation brings a new awareness. They realize that their reconciliation has solved nothing, that the forces that had threatened their marriage still exist-and that their lives could be happier if they learned to recognize these forces and cope with them realistically. Such was the caae of Mary and Kent Convinced that not only their own future but the future of their children de- pended on it, they decided to work out their problems with the aid af a marriage rnunselor. What they learned could serve as a guide to help other couples escape a sim- ilar ordeal. L Never forget that communication is the lifeline of marriage. When honest communication breaks down, it sets both partners adrift, so that the words they speak of- ten become only vague signale, disaatrously mis+under- stood. 2. Don't lose sight of basic values. They may change as the family grows and the husband progresses in his ca- reer. But try to dutinguish what is really important and what othera believe is important. Otherwise the pursuit of happiness may turn into nothing more than the pursuit of status symbols. 3. Remember that a "good husband's" greatest virtuc- and, pandoxically, his greatest fault-is his compulsion to give his family "everythinq." Hushand and wife must learn when to eay "No." This will automatically avoid a welter of complications, ranging from job problems to a monss of debt. 4. Beat in mind that relatives are ncither oracles nor--- soothsayen. Evaluate their advicv on its merits. 5. Expect to have occasional disagreements. All marrieti couples do. But neither partner is ever nlwove in the riqht Yet, even when you are positive the other is wrons: never assault his dignity as a person. The so-<alled "good husband" is a modcrn phenomenon, reflecting the intricate prensures under which we live. But by following these few simple rules of behavior he and his wife might be able to put these pressures into per- spective. Recognixinet their problems will heighten their recognition of each othe-anrl les,xn the danger that hid- den forces will disrupt their lives. • 1223 I WALL aragrr Joutol "My wife has disappeared. May I speak to the leatst efficient member of your staff?" " 1 just want him back for about 10 minutes." sam.'cn~cx~ms~w~ncri~ J'WI I I tnltpPW:rCrrYtrrWICrTt0r.t3:urrtnrPrrfrtu.ttWa•urW1 trc6tfnu~:f~uu:clP.W:LUGWI I I t1YI fiI I 1L6tntCl.tt11 IttltLLnCttPltL Q _Wt ~ = TRACERS COMPANY OF AMERICA - O - _ - 513 MADISON AVENUE NEW YORK, N. Y. 10022 _ Specialisfs in finding#the missing all over the world sinc. 1924 S_ _ iJltl~l'IINlipfd:pFrWipW,AI,I~I:Ntpthpl;ll I[I:LLLGW:plpl:flippplNOG:f.I:1.I~I:PWW~LIllipppp4G11pM711711:GCi411iI:pW 17IG4LU4pNGpN14~tWWJlppptlW Wp~i V 1