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., c. wh y Some `'Goocl" Husb ancls Run Aw6w lk IfY IMItr7T1N~ Ati'D !t6':V .NF.HSOV' it was a blazing August morning, But as Marv Br,:d'lev walked up the flagstone path. glancing -tt the letters she had just removed from the mailbox, she was suddenly overcome tb,y a sense of chill foreboding. One envelope was in the unmistakable handwriting of her husband', Kent- not from Philadelphia, where he had' gone om business, but post- marke& "Grand Central, N.Y." Tearing it' o n with trembling finger9, 1Tar~• read :"I'm~ leaving you. For d. It'll be better for both of us, and for the children. I've sold car, and am mailing their next term'stuit'ion to the scho~l. I ha t~ tuuched the •iuint checkinst orr saving accounts. Keep them. I get set, I'll send you what- ever money I can. Sorry our marri didn't work out. I stood it as long as I could. But I can't take I ti•v mmre. Kent." At first, Mary felt nothing. S'he was too ml,ef by disbelief and shock. Kent cn+cldn.'t have left her. Not a'Iv,f fafteen years together. N, Bewildered and frightened, Mary hurrietY into theNvse. As 1 she looked' around, the familiar rooms seemed strangely `l~J:en,. and she felt lost and alone in a hostile world.. Tragicall!v, she was not alone. In America todity there are over two and a halti million women who have been abandoned by their husbands. During the coming year, at least 100,000 more men willl desert their wives and families. It is an ever- expanding cycle that entraps a growing number of victims. Actually even this is only a fragment of the picture. IF or desertions are the best-kept secret in the breakdown of modern marriage. As Solomon~ Weiss, executive director of the Family Location Service, explains, "Less than 25 percent of the women deserted by their husbands ever come to public notice-and then only unwittingly, when economic pressure forces them to seek help from welfare agencies or the Knvernmont's Aid to Dependent C'hildrnn Program." The wher 7:i percent fight it out alone, makin~,~ every conceivable sacrifice to kecp the world from knowing their plight. What makes hu.;hant{, run away? The principal reasons are infidelity, drinkinsr. RamblinQ, in-law interference and irretipon- sibilit!y, reports the Family Location Service. £3ut the Family Location report is based nnl.%• on the runaway hugbands who have become official statistics, mainln- men in the lower-income group. It does nr+ ,nclude the vast majority whose wives never report their disappearance-among rrrnti>t,ord on page 122 JANUARY 1968 them thousands of men like Mary's hus- band, Kent: Such deserting husbands ' are in the middle- and' upper-income groups, and' usually earn a minimum of ;10,000 a year. R.ising young executives, businessmen and professionals, they are of the type commonly associated with economic success and' domestic stability. "These are the men," says Dr. Rebecca. Liswood, director of the Marriage Coun- seling Service of Greater New York, "whom psychologists sometimes refer to as the 'good husbands.' The forces that impel them to flee are much more com- plex and subtle than those operating in the case of the usual runaway hus- band." Most of these "good husbands," Dr. " Liswood points out, are respected mesn- bers of the community who strive to ' provide their families with "every- thing." In their business and profes- sionai lives they make keen, objective decisions as a matter of course. Yet in some areas of their private lives their judgments are curiously unrealistic. Such men allow social preasures-par- ticularly status symboiy--to dominate their thinking and spending. Equally unrealistic wives and meddling relatives compound the prrsgure. Often the re- su]t is an increasing mound of debt, building up through the years. With it comes mutunl! resentment, erecting a: barrier between husband and wife. Mis- understandings smolder and fiame. Sex, instead of beinx an expression of love, . frequently becomes an unconscious ex- pression of hostility. Eventtially any-or all--of these pres- sures touch off the paychic explosion that hurls a man into the role of run- away husband, It usually happens after ten to fifteen years of marriage. Often it ,is triggered by the mari s shattering iration that he will never be able ieve his self-imposed goals. Agg`r4ikvating all these devious forces is the brL%kdown in communication be- twean husbwife. This was what Mary was be g to realize that Au- gust morning as e searched for the reason for Kent's d%eppearanco. This had been their first st7fVrner albne to- gether. With John and 3'lajie away at camp, she had hoped she'Vd Kent might recapture some of the Mqseness they once had known. But somehow, through the years, the same wo}bs seemed to have acquired difterent, meanings. With a pang, she rem«mhered their laat weekend tiwether. Sunday after- noon they had quarreled bitterly. It be- gan with a remark by Mary that attend- ing the country-club party the night before had' been a waste of money- the food and service had been terrible. Kent retorted sharply that joining the club had been Mary's idea in the flrat place. That's when everything went out of focus. Recriminations flew back and forth+ each unaware of the pressures that were undermining their marriage, and each, in angry bewilderment, strik-

. ing out at the other. Kent accused Mary of extravagance. She charged he was to blame. "You and your mother are driving me bankrupt;" snapped Kent. - "Nobody has to drive you," retorted Mary. "You know all the shortcuts." She'd had the last word-literally. Kent did not speak to her for the re- mainder of the evening. In the morningg he studiously ignored her as they sat across from each other at the breakfast table. He was still seething over their quarrel. Mary could feel her own anger rising again. But she suppressed it. "What time will you be home tomor- row?" she asked. "When I get here," said Kent shortly. "Any other questions?"' She wanted' to ask why he'd packed three suits, including a tweed winter suit, for a two-dby trip in August. But she suddenly remembered, with a faint feeling of guilt, that she had neglected to get his summer suits back from the cleaner's. Now, as she compulsively read and reread Kent's farewell'letter, Mary knew why he had packed the suits. He must have made up his mind on Sunday night that he'd leave her. That's when he had taken the suits out of his closet,. right after their quarrel. But it couldn't have been just the quarrel, she told herself. There had been other such ar- gument3 during the past year. (Like the wives of so many other "good" hus- bands, Mary did not recognize that in this repetitious pattern lay part of the design for disaster.): He11 call, Mary thought hopefully. As if in mockery, the phone didn't ring all day. When it finally did, as she was trying to swallow a few spoonfuls of soup for supper, the words were out of her mouth before she knew it. "Oh, Kent!" she cried. "Kent!"' said her mother sharply. "Isn't he home? Wasn't he due back to- night? Is something wrong?" "Nothing ... nothing, at alil" faltered Mary. "Kent was delayed' by business in Philadelphia. He didn't know for how long. He said he'd call. And when the phone rang. . . . "Well, you sound upset," said her mother dubiously. "No," said Mary. "Everything is fine." It was the first thread in the web of lies and evasions which most deserted wives feel forced to spin to conceal their broken marriage. For Mary could not face the reality that Kent had' deliber- ately left her. She was sure something terrible must have happened to him. something that had suddenly blinded his reason and judgment. If she co talk to him, find him, she migh him see things with new eye The next day she ph several of his close friends. were as tactful as she tried t .y o-thev didn't know Kent was aw y on a business ti•ip,. One friend, however, didn't bother being diplomatic. "Sorry. Mary," he said. "I'm afraid I can't help you." His bluntness devastated her. Had Kent confided in him? Did he and the others know where Kent was? Prob- ably. But they weren't telling . . . the instinctive ganging up of men against the common enemy, the wife. The fear that her secret might be known made Mary break into tears. ""The deserted wife," points out Jo- seph E. Steigman,, former assistant di- rector of the Family Location Service, "may feel shame, guilt, humiliation, failtire or anger. Often she feels that she has failed in her marriage, that the chil- dren will consider her responsible for the father's having left, and that her friends and neighbors will think her husband walked out on her because she did not know how to be a good wife.'.." Fighting down her embarrassment, Mary went to see Ftank Denton, Kent's superior at the advertising agency where Kent had been a copywriter. "I'm glad you dropped in, Mary," Denton told her earnestly. "Because I want to assure you that I-personally-had noth- ing to do with Kent's being passed over for that promotion." "I see„°'said Mary forlornly. W RNING! There is no connection between I this magazine and any so-calleC Good Housekeeping Shop, Good Housekeeping I Store, Good Housekeeping Distributors, Good'Housekeeping Products, Good House- keeping Centers, or any product or service using the name Gooo HOUSEXEERING. If you have any doubts write or wire Gooo HOUSEXEEPINC Cegal Dept!, 959 8th Ave., New York, N.Y. 10019. L C They usually leave because of another woman." "Not Kent!" flared Mary. "If there were another woman, l would have known it." "Just as you knew he was going to desert you," retorted her mother. "But whatever the case, Kenti must be found. You have to be practical, Mary. Not only for your own sake, but for the children's. You'll never find Kent by yourself. You must go to the police."' Reluctantly Mary went, and learned, to her surprise, what is not commonly known. The police will not search for a husband who deserts his wife. They will send out a missing-penons alarm only if they suspect the husband has been the victim of an accident or foul play. Even then; if it turns out that the husband has vanished of his own ac- cord, they will not reveal his where- abouts to anyone, including his wife,, but merely report that he is unharmed.. The only exception is when the wife swears out a warrant charging criminaf abandonment. In that case the husband' is hunted down and jailed pending trial. "I couldn't have him arrested!" gasped Mary, shocked by the vision of public disgrace. Iler attitude was typical. Few women- --- swear out warrants against their miss- ing husbands. So few, in fact; that the charge of criminal abandonment has t fallen into almost total disuse. Instead,, a deserted wife is advised to file civil proceedings for nonsupport. Even if her husband has fled the state, he no longer has to be extradited. Because of reciprocal legislation, he can now be summoned before a court anywhere in the United States-except the District of Columbia-to arrange for voluntary support. But first the husband has to he found. And the police will not do the searching. That is the wife's respon- sihility.. Where could she go now?? Mary won- dcrer{. And what should' she tell thv" children' Thcy were d+ie home from camp in a few days. Much as ehe longed for their homecomine,. she dreaded it. Children were straAgely intuitive about family troul>k'S. But ,tii~re was no hint of this when tbrt'F;,ldren piled out of the bus in front of the door exuberant ll-year-old Ju- lie. and John, 14, lean and blond like his father. Before Mary could even greet them, Julie was burbling excitedly, "Daddy callpd me last night!" "He called me," said John disdainful- ly. "Person to per3on."' With beating heart, Mary listened to the detailed recital of the children's conversation with Kent. She wanted' to O cry out, "Did he ask for me? Did he Cj. send his regards? Did he even mention.4 me?" Finally, as Julie paused. Mary O hlurted out, before she could' restnin~ herself, "Where was Daddy calling from~ -did he say?" Julie shook her head. Mary turned t~ John. "Did he tell you?" "No, Mother. P didn't ask.° John looked at her curiousiy. "Don't vou know where he is?" continued on page 126 What she saw was her last hope of finding Kent' go glimmering. Although Kent's letter had plainly implied he'd left his job, she had clung to the pos- sibility that he had transferred to one of the firm's out-of-town offices, and that Denton would mention this in con- versation: Instead, Denton said, "Kent quit so suddenly he didn't give me a chance to explain why I couldn't help him." Mary had known nothing of Kcnt's expected promotion, He had long ago ceased discussing his job with her. But with the new house, the new car, and the children's school expenses, she knew now that he must have been counting heavily on a big salary in-: crease to pull him out of his finanerlal quagmire. Losing the prom~g~ must have been a terrible shoch•"~I'hat's what did ik;" she told ba.ellf. "That's what drove him aw 5ti11, a nagging doubt persisted!,&9 this could have been the onl!v,.oRGe.. ch night Mary cried herself to sleep. Each morning she arose hoping Kent would call. With great effort, she managed to go through her routine dai- ly chores and put'on a casual face for her friends. Kent was away on a pro- tracted business trip, she told them. She wasn't quite sure when he'd return. Her friends didn't question the explanation. But Mary knew her mother would. Mary told her the truth. "It was proba- ably Kent's disappointmenti over his job," she said defensively. "Nonsense,"' said her mother. "Men don't leave their wives because of a job:

.a >"Of course," said Mary in confusion. "Chicago. No . . Philadelphia. Yes. That's it. Philadelphia." Julie was now staring at her moth- cr, too. "Philadelphia?" repeated John. "That's not far. How come Dad doesn't come home for weekends?°' - "Because he can't," saidl Mary lamely. "It's ... it's just impossibit." What Mary feared had come to pass. She was sure the children knew. And. as the days went by, she did not' dare to pretend any longer that' she was hear- ing from their father. Jbhn-sullen and withdrawn-never mentioned Kent. Ju- lie did' only once. "Is Daddy d'ead?" she asked. She stopped playing with her friends, and only toyed with her food'. At night Mary could hear her sobbing in her room. John played hooky from school, and' was constantly in fistfights. That was when Mary realized the time for hoping and waiting was past The children's welfare was at stake. Kent had to be found-and quickly. Consulting her minister, Mary stressed the urgency of her problem. The minis- ter made several discreet telephone calls in her behalf. Then he told her that, while marri3ge counseling and other as- sistance were available, there was no official agency that would search for a deserting husband. The Federal gavern- ment--which spends millions to aid mothers of dependent children-has no such facilities. Neither do public or pri- vate welfare organizations. The sole ex- ception is the Family Location Service. But because of its limited staff, it rarely accepts cases outside New York City. For Mary the only answer was a private detective agency. The next day she visited the New York City offices of Tracers Company erica, an inte - tion that specializes in finding missing persons. Here she was interviewed by Edward Goldfader, the firm's vice presi- dent, who looks like an Olympic weight tics n 6 Q ~ go~ ~ LL c e~ aP~'Qaf S a',rLa~ yi~a aC~ l~,Ls to ~3? ary sL~dc~c ~~t`''~L~S hf e aad ~a ~ear L S e L ~ ~J I Ch a' ear~ oS ~ta }i~ ~e nt ma >1~ e,ti e >1~ y a fl s}1°c ypec~'b 0 a c~ O0 000 0~ 1 e e~ l lifter but speaks like a sociologist- which he is. During the 43 years of its existence, his organization has tracked down more than 75,000 missing husbands. The ma- jority were "good husbands" like Kent. From his experience and training Gold- fader understood that it was not their wives they were fleeing from, but an aceumulation of pressures that had warped their judgment. In their confu- sion, some husbands, before they van- ished, even persuaded their wives to have another child. Otherv,, like Kent, added to their burdens by buying new cars and new homes in the vain hope of escaping from reality by changing its outward trappings. Yet even with their warped' judgment, these men, when they desert, are un- able to suppress some of the basic qualities that make them "good hus- bands." In more than half the cases, they do as Kent did: leave joint bank accounts and insurance policies intact: leave the car; prepay the tuition If the children are attending a private school; and write a note or letter of farewell. With Goldfader's assistance, Mary filled out a detailed dossier on Kent. The questions covered every conceivable as- pect-his background, schooling and hobbies, his employment, financial and military record. Was he a loner or a joiner, a talker or a listener? How was he dressed the day he left? What did he take? What did he leave? What were hib preferences in music, books and food; in movies, art and sports? On and on the questions went-probing, seek- ing, exploring-until finally Mary lapsed into weary silence. "Are you sure you haven't forgotten somethi'nR?"pcrsisted Goldfader.. "Sometimes the most trifling detail may be the clue that will lead us to your husband." Mary hesit.ated. "My mother suspects Kent ran off with another woman." ,L1lLeS C."ubt it," said Goldfader. .His assurance was based' on the find- ings of psychiatrists and'marriage cottn- selors, as well as Tracers' records. These reveal that iess than one percent of the "good husbands" who run away do so because of an affair. What the majority think they want is symbolic bachelor- hood, "How long do you think it will take to find my husband?" Mary asked anx- iously. "Not long," said Goldfader. "Unless he's very much different from the oth- ers."' Goldfader knew the common run- away pattern of "good husbands." East- erners generally head for California or Florida; Westerners for Chicago or New York. Some resume their old occupa- tions. Others turn to new jobs. But the majority drift along aimlessly, usually financed by their credit cards, and thus . rarely hiding their Identities. To almost all• sooner or later, comes a sinking sense of disillusionment, and with it the realization that in their flight from reality they have succeeded only in cutting adrift the basic anchors of their lives-their wi'ves and children. They yearn to go home. But a sense of shame and misguided vanity forbids it. They feel they can save face only if they are sought after and' found. Finding Kent, however, proved more difficult than Goldfader had expected. Most deserting husbands leave a sub- conscious trail: telephonc calls to friends, an occasional postcard to wives or children, credit-card receipts that they know will be mailed to their homes. Kent had carefully avoided all this. And when, a nationwide check of hotels arrd hospitals, morgues and po- lie'r records failed' to turn up a clue. Goldfader asked Mary to rome in and see him again. He was convinced now that she had neglected to tell him somethinQ important Together they went over Mary's storyy again The details she gave were thr same. But her viewpoint was somewhat different. With the passage of time had come a little more insight. "Everything wa+ out of focus with us,"' said Mary. "And' I probably was as much to blame as Kent. Without really meaning to,, I guess I made him feel that qottinyt that job promotion was vital:' She bit her lip. "But good as he was at this job, I don't think It was the kind of work Kent really liked." ,,What did he like?" inquired Gold- fader. "We hadn't discussed it for years:" said Mary. "But when we were first married Kent worked for a publishing firm. He changed his occupation be- cause it meant a lot more money. But he often used to say he was sorry he changed." ~ "These are the details you forgot tn w tell me before;' said Goldfader. "It %Q gives new direction to our search." Within two days, the search was over. ~ The direction was south-less than two w . mil.•s from Coldfad'er's office. Kent had X4~ never left New York. He had taken a~ part-time job with a iex:book publisher and was living in a small, restdendal

C .A I hotel. Goldfader telephoned Mary the information: "The rest is up to you," he told her. "But what should 11 do?" she asked in confusion. "What should I say to him?" They were questions Goldfader had been answering for years. "Stay away from your husband's office. Try to meet him privately. Don'ti berate him. Dori t accuse him. What- ever you do. Itt him maintain his dignity." At first, the meeting between Mary and Kent was strained' a+ they souRht to hide their uncertainty behind polite, stilted phrases. But only for a' few moments. Then the barrier was swept away by the realization of their mutual pain: Still perplexed by the forces that had sepa- rated' them, they knew only that they needed and wanted each other. Like so many other "good husbands," Kent had been waiting to be found. Ninety percent of the "good' husbands" who run away are reunited with their wives. And less than one percent ever run away again. But the statistics do not tell the whole story. "Far too often," says Dr. Liswood, "they mean nothing more than that the husband and wife have managed to achieve a do- mestic truce. Bowing to what they mistakenly believe is the inevitable, they go on living a life of inner turmoil as they struggle to maintain an outward peace." For many others, however„the shock of separation brings a new awareness. They realize that their reconciliation has solWed nothing, that the forces that had threatened their marriage still exist-and that their lives could be happier if-tlieyy learned to recognize these forces and cope with them realistically. Such was the case of Mary and Kent. Convinced that not only their own future but' the future of their children de- pended on it, they decided to work out their problems with the aid of a marriage counselor. What they learned could serve as a guide to help other couples escape a sim- ilar ordeal. 1. Never forget that' communication is the lifeline of marriage. When honest communication breaks down, it sets both partners adrift, so that the words they speak of- ten become only vague signals, disastrously misunder- stood. 2. Don't lose sight' of basic values. They may change as the family grows and the husband progresses in his ca- reer. But try to distinguish what is really important and what others believe is important. Otherwise the pursuit of happiness may turn into nothing more than the pursuit of status symbols. 3. Remember that a "good husband's" greatest virtue- and; paradoxically, his greatest fault-is his compulsion to give his family "everythinK." Hushand and wife must learn when to say "No."' This will' automatically avoid a welter of complications, ranging from job problems to a morass of debt.. 4. Bear in mind that relatives are neither oracles nor soothsayers. Evaluate their advice on its merits. 5. Expect to have occasional disaqreements. All, marrierl couples do. But neither partner is ever always in the right. Yet, even when you are positive the other is wrong, never assault his dignity as a prrson. The so-called "good husband" is a modern phenomenon,, reflecting the intricate pressures under which we live. But by following these few simple rules of behavior he and his wife might be able to put these pressures into per- spective. Recognizing their problems will heighten their recognition of each other--and lessen the danger that hid- den forces will disrupt their lives, • WALL STRSIT JOURN I "My wife has disappeared. May I speak to the I- least_ efficient member of your staff?" - BUREAU OF MISSI N6 PERSONS " I just want him back for about 10 minutes."' JHI6I I I f PI:I,UY Cqa^I:f11111 l9 6tl I I'I'f PI'LbG11 Il1!V'I!I'I t l tJJ:I:Ulaal111'I4 J 1'd'1'J A`NIqI1.1 ilBll'd'M',I 6f IdN'fl 11.11 I'I I't I I 1134 rI'LI'Id i.l,l 1'I 11 I Vaila(H,I'I I L = = TRACERS COMPANY OF AMERICA ' 513 MADISON AVENUE NEW YORK, N. Y. 10022 = Speciolists in finding the missing oll over the world since 1924 3 ;,ururruuln l I t l.l:curl,m;t;uul.lna;l~rl l l.ll tlrt;rut:ut,cul;ulil,uuurrfl.l r/ I,el;l,t,uu;lilulurul'uueul t.la,GUtull ncraa~l,rua,t,utlrrnnmin,uuclmqmluluuur~