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Radio Continuity, Lucky Strike, Jack Benny, Jan. - Mar., 1953

Date: Jan 1953
Length: 306 pages
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PROGRAM #17 EEV~ SCRIFT ~RIC~ T(~ACCO COMPANY LUCKY ST RIF~ T~E JACK BENNY PROGR~ SUNDAY, JANUARY 4, 1953 CB8 4:00 - 4:30 FM pST (TF~hNSCR~B~ JAN. 2, 1953) f~, 1 )<Cf 'I 01,9330r'
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T~ JACK BE~ SHOW SUNDAY, JANUARY 4, 1953 (TRANSCRIBED JANUARY_ 2, i953) OPENING COM~RCIAL DON: T}~ JACK BE~Y PROGRAM .... ~_~ANSCR~ED AND PF~SENT~ BY LUCKY STRIKE! (PAUSE) You know, folks, noth~ - no, nothir~K - beats b~tter taste~ And ~emember ... COLLINS: Luekles taste better! CI_d0RUS: C]eaner~ freshe~, smoother: COLLIT~S: Luckies taste better~ CHORUS: Cleaner3 fresher, smoother: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Eicher-tastir~_ f~ie tobacco COLLINS: Luckies baste bettee| CHORUS: Cleaner, fresher, smoother: Lucky Strike -- Luclcj Strike! DON: Friends, I think ~ou'll agree that ~moklng ~njoymsnt depends on the t~ste of your c~g~rette. For nothin~ - n% nothin~ - beats better taste. And Luckles taste better ~.. clearmr end fresher end smoother. YOU see Luckies better taste starts .Jibh fi~e, ~mild~ good-tast~ tobacco. Remember, LS/E4FT ~ Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But equally important, Luckies are made better rio teste better . .. made round er~l firm and fully packed. Thatfs why Luckies draw f_~eely, smoke evenly, and give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother taste. So friends, get the one thing you want most in your cigarette ... better taste'. On 7our next trip to the cigarette oo~nter, be happy - go Lucky~ You'll fi~ ... R T,~{O 1 01B3308
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THE JACK BENNY SHOW S~qDAy @AN[E~ #, ,1953 (TPJ~NSOR~ED #AI~A~ 2, :1953) OFE~- COM~RUlIL ~0O~. ) C OLLII~6 : CHORUS : MUSIC : DON : Luck/es tsste better! Clesne~, fresh~r~ s~oother~ Luck~ Strike ... Luck7 Strikel The Lucky Strike program starring ..... hi 1"~0 "1 O183309
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-1- (~JFTER COMF~RC!AL, ~£JSIC UP AND DQ~NN) DON: TI~ LUC-~f STHIE~ PEG]RAM, gTARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MA~ L~VINGSTONE, ROC}~TER, DENNIS DAY~ BfB CRO~BY3 A~D "YOU~ TRt~3T DON WIL50N. (APPLAUSE,..MUSIC UP AI~D DOWN) DON: iAD~S AND GE~LE~EN ,. WE'D 123{E TO T_~E YOU BAOK TO NEW YEAR~S DAY ... 7.T IS MOI~NING AND JACK BE-NTiS/ H_&5 JUST FINIS}~O HIS BP~AZT. (SCO%D: ~TTL~ OF DISH]~) ROCH: DO YOU WAif ANYTHING ELSE, BO ? JACK: No/~ that's enough/~. I never -~'eel llke e-~tlug too much @ after a big night curl. FDCH: OH YEAH .. I FOFGOT TO ASK YOU .. %qi~T DID YOU DO NEW -/EAR'S h~YE? JACK'~'~ went to s night e,l~b where they gave you all the drinks and all 5b~ flood you wantes for Six dolla~s. ALL T~ FOOD YOU NAh~, EH? JAOK: Yesh .. Rocbesfiemj befor~ you put mY tuxedo sway t i ks the lamb chops out of the pocket ... Now let~s~t able cleaned off, and I'll help you with the dishes ,. I donlt want to'be late for the Rose Bowl Game. ROCH: ~KAY .. I'LL ~3 T~ DISHES. No, no, RoohesteP~ I~ll do them. I want to bl~/ out that new elect~i~ dishwasher I ~ot fol, OhpZstmas. ~T~O~ 0~82270
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-2- ROCH: BUT BOSS, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT. JACK: Nonsense, you probably do~~ t k-now how to operate it .... !~ll ~how you haw ~. Tou put the ditty dishes in like this. ,. (SOUND: DISk~ IN WAS~ER) (~OUND: WASTE DOOR OLO~ING) JA6~: Now ~ou turn on the switch. (~OU~D: CLICK OF SWITCH...HUM OF MOTOR WITH RGBATI~G NOISE) JACK: "~JMS "ID~ IN BL00~') . .There, that oughta be enough... (SOU~D: 0LIOK...MOTOR STOPS) JAOK: And no~ to take the dishes out, R-ou open ~he door like this. (SOU~: DOOR OPEN.. ,~0U~D OF BROKEN DISHES DJ~N COAL C ~UT~. ) ROGB: ~ TOLD Z0U B0~8, THERE'S SOMET~331G WRONG WITH ZT. JACK: Well, there shouldnrt be, itt~ s new machine...I~m gonna t~ it again .. ~et so~e ~o~ dishes out Of the aupboa~d. RoC~. ~ ROSS -- JACK: Open the ~u~boa~d. FDOH: OKAY. JAOK: NGOH: JACK: CUPBOANG DOOR OPENS .. S~ME COAL O}gJTE EFFECT ) What ~as tha~? &~OSE A~ THE DISP~S I WAS~ YI~TENGAZ. R] ,~{07 (,7~1833 "t
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ROCH: JACK: JACK: FOOH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: -3- NEIT~R CAN I. I PUt IT TOGETHER T}~ SAME DAY T}L~T i C ASSEMB~ THE OTHER KIT ~ APPLIANCES. Gee, I don't see why it should break the dishes .. it looks all right from the outside ,. Let's take a look on the Inside~/ oF o0o oPm)L •. Ob, fox heaven's sake .. Rocbesterj the eggbeatel~ belongs on the Mi~azaster .. not in the dlshwssher. THEN I MUST _~_~VE THE pAR~ FROM TE~ DIBHWAG~P~N THI MIXM=~T ER. THIS MO~LNG I TRIED TO MIX A CAKE .. WHEN I TUr~D ON THE SWITCH, A BIG ARM CAME OD~ GRABB~ HI BY THE BACK OF THE NECK, TPL~'; ~E IN THE B~4L, ~ND SCEUBB~ ~ ON BOTH SID~. Whet? Ak9 BEFOF~ I i~ IT, I WAS 81TTI~ IN THE CUPBOARD ON THE TKIRD SI~IF. Goe~ it evsn puts them away for you .N Roohesto~ ~all the appliance company and tell them to come out and fix the msehlns. ( SOUND:__DOOR/BHEZER) I'ii get ~, Rocbeste~ .. you fl~ish the dishes. (SOUND: FOCTSTEP~ .. DOOR BUZZER) 1"3F2~01 C183312
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-4- JACK: Cmmlng .. oomlng. MEL: Coming, coming, (SQUAWK AND ~[ISTLE) JACK: Hello, Polly. (SOU~D: coUPLE FOOTSTEPS .. DOOR OPENS) BOB: Hello, Jack. JACK: 6~He!lo, Bob ,.. I thought you were going to the Hose Bowl Gs~e~ too. BOB'~7~ i am, but I decided to come by here to talk to you first. JACK: ~at about? BOB: I'd rather not talk about it here ... Can we go J%n the den? JACK: Cer talnl~.~Fo flow me. (SO[~D: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: ~[elk .. here we are .. What is it you want to balk bo me about? the door ~ ~/J BOB: Close firs , please, ~a~; JACK: 0~ay. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.) JACK: "what is it, Bob, what i~ it? NOB: .. ~ .. Would you mind closing the window. JACK: ,~J Window? .. Well .. all right. (S0LgD: WINDOW CLOS~S) And pull the shade down, too. (~u'~D: s~ PUSLED DOWN) Bob .. for heaven,s sake, wh~tls the matter? ,. W~at do you want to talk to me about? •.. J ac~_Kot to stop klddln~ me about the way~~ s~y Maunashevavltzt. BOB: JACK: GM f~ T?~O ! 0 1 8~]3"13
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-5- JACK: Oh Bob, that~ not important . ° after all, it was just a little fluff. ~: Little fluff ... little fluff .. (SQUAk~ ~DD %q{ISTI~g) JACK: Quiet, Polly ... Anyway, Bo~,-!t.s nothing to worry about. ?i;K BOB I knc~ ... ",Jut you began kidding me about it ... and my JJ wife b~8~ t~asi~g me ap~'~ owed ~r~*olla~ ~il of OUr kdds could pronounce it. JACK: Well, ~tt s not ~ ... wait a minute ... your youngest daughter is only seven months old .. she can,t even t~lk. BOB:/~%W~~ She still says it better th~n I can. JACK: No. BOB: Yes ... and it's not my fault/.~.. I tried to Lesx,n how to s~y it ... but I must have som@ kla6~of me~ ntal block because I ~9~_ can/~ i~ ~ight. I ~, ~/.<~ JACK: ~ell¢ I~ ~e help yo~I-~., ak it u syllables and ;~o~k on i~. No~ look, ~epe~t afte~ me ... Manna. ghevit z. ghevltz. Ms~unashevit z. Mannashe av tz~ . . . £ Shevit z. /~ ~ ~-~ v Mannashevltz. BOB: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK: BOB : JACK: GM RT,~OI 01833 "~4-
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-6- Manna b~v ~itz. JACK: Bob/~once more ,. I know you can get it .. Now let's t~ it again ... Mann~. BOB : Manna. JACK ~. Shay itz. BOB : Shevitz. JACK:~s~nashevavitz ... oh, MEL: Let,s try it again .. JACK: What? ~L : Manna. JACK & BOB: Manna. MEL: Shevitz. JACK & BOB: Shevitz. MEL: Lucky Bt~Ike.. (SQUAW~ AND W~I_ STLE) JACK: You know, polly is the only smart one here ... Now Bob~ stop worrying about a little mistake .. it's nothing. After ~II; your slngin~ is the most important thing. BCB: ~ Now wait a minute, Jack. l~m p~Imarily known as a ba~dleade~ .... not ~ a singer. JACK: What ere you talking ~oout .. yOU h~ve one of the best voices in the country. BOB: I,d be hzppy I£ I had the best voice in ml~ fsmily. darn it, now you've got me doing ~t. (SQUAWK ~'~D WI:XBTLE) P~ ] :~~0 ? 0183315
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JACK: What? JACK: -7- BOB: /We~/Jack,~ ~:a~e to be running ~long.~Z You ~ant me to # give you a llft to the game? JACK: No tb~nks gob, goch~suer is going ~o drive me. BOB; Okay, see you later. JACK: I~ll see ~oo to ~he door. (SOU~D: PHONE RINGS) ,TACK: Oh, there's ~he phone. JACK: Oh yes.. ,you ~e @ifzel~ent f~om the othe~ musicians... See you later J/~" BOB: So long. (sou~: DOOR SLAMS. PHO~CE RINGS...FOOTSTEPS... IIEC EY~EE UP) JACK: !4ello ? DON:.~[el!o Jack, this is Don. SACK: Oh hello, Don, I'm waiting fo~ you. DON: Irm afraid you'll have to go to the game ~ithout me/~1~'-~/ JACK: Why, -~imt,s ~ong? DON: Well, you kno~ that new oar, the M~G. my ~ife gave me fo~ Christmas? /# JACK: Oh yes Don...tha~ English oar~certalnly a spo~,ty job. DON:/~-O~, but it's been giving me trouble for the last three // days. ~i BB RY>z,O~ O~P.,33t6
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-8- JACK: What's the matter...can't you get it started? DON: No, I can't get it off. JACK: Look, Don -- DON: (LAUGHING) Ha ha.. you really bit on ~l~a~ one. JACK: gsah yeah, I bi~..'.Now Don, huP~y over..~e still have ~o pick up ~y ne~ glrl friend, IriE;/t~o" take her to the game. DON: Well, Jack, I've been thinking it ove~~ and i alCOTt feel tb~t i should go ~Ith 7ou. JACK: But Don, ~e ~ere going to the game end then ~e were going ~.o come back to ~y house and hays dinner togethe~ and ~ake an ewning of it. DON: I kno~, Jack~ but it'll be better ~ithout me...After all, yo~ kno~ the old saying., .T~ols company, three's a crowd. say it, i ~.lon't say it ..... Well, i'll tell Iris~74,] ~oul~n,t come ..... Goodbye. DON : Goodbye. (SOUND: RECEIV~ DOWN) JACK: Oh Rochester... ~ROCHEST~... ROCH: (C0Y~NG IN) ~g, BOGS. JACK~ M~. -~ilson ~ou't be here for dinne~ toniF~ht....it ~ill be just hhe young lady and myself. BB RT~O1 01833~?
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-9- JACK: Now Rochester...Z~i~ ~neve~,~d d~_nn~ at~y house, ~n~ Iid like to impress he~. ROCH: DON~T WOERY~ BOSS..T~ TABLE 18 SET BEAb~IFULLY...FLOWERS AI~ YOU'LL F~T BT CANITLE-LIG~. JACK: Good, good..what did you do ~bout the champagne? t? EOCH: ~4~ AS ALWAY~'.T00K A COLD BO~ OF SEVEN-UP AND SLAPPED A MUMMS I~BEL ON IT. JACK: What? AND %~IEN YOU OPEN IT, I:LL BE BEHIND THE SCP~N WITH POPGU}[. JA C~K "~ Good. ROCH: ~HALL "WE SFTICRRONIZE OUR WATCHES NOW? JACK: Okay, Iive got eleven seventeen .~ud a ka!f. ROCH: ROG~R ! JACK:Okay..now I w~it ever~jthing to go off smoothly because-- (SOUND: DOOR ~ZBE) JACK: I~ll get it...you finish everythlng in the kitchen. ROCK: YEg ~IR. (SOUND: DOOR BO~ZZER) #ACE: Coming.. Co~+ing. (SOUND: FOOTgTEPS..D00R OPENS) JACK: Oh, h~llo, Dennis. DENNIS: (SINGS FEW BARS OF "ON WISCONSIN") On ~dsoonsin, On Wiscor~In Pl~/r~s ~ight t~ough t" Z line, (SOC~ID: DOOR CLOSES) JACK: '1 ;DENNIS: ~-~01 0182318
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-lO- DENNIS: (SINGS) Run t~t ball clea~ roond the Rose Bo~l A touchdown ~L~re t~i~ tits. ,IACK: Dennis. ,Dennls...~h7 are ~ou singing Wisconsin,s Song? DENNIS:~'m gon~a chee~ for bhem~a~ ~ ~: game ~ JAOK: But why? DNNS~8: t3~cau~e I "~ant Wisc~sin to "~ln. JA0 Dennis. ,.isn't tha lit~ disloyal? After all~ you've g- . ~ been living be~ in ,3ou'shern C~lifornia fo~ nearly ~ ~ year~, DI~I~IS: Living he~e~ yes...but look ~here Z ~as hot'n. JACK: Oh, ~ere you bo~'n in Wisconsin? DENNIS: No, Ne,~ Yoz-~:. JAOK: Wait a ~inu~ Dennis..thi8 is r2~e 8ta~t of a ns'0 yea~,, d~n~t ~ake me mad..lg~.52 -~:r~n~r-~m~f~f~-u~p.~ bo~ / "~r'q.'~.Yo~k:,~ --why areplay~OU chee~in~ foz, Wl~oonsi~/ DENNIS: 3ecause ~8~-.$~clne on that ~eam. / ~ t/ JACK: Loo~:, Dennis, ±~.~ Ben .~mecta% ±t~.~Ian Ameche.., Alan. DENNIS: No~ Z I~ow -~hy you'~ n't like ~.~ed Aller~. JACK: Dennis~ como ~re a ~Inut$.' ~ DENNIS: yes sl~,. ~" DENNIS: OUCH! / /o , JACK: Wel~/.'my first .esolution dldnt last very long...Now~-Ke~nnis, --/ DENNIS: Okay..bu~ say, Mr. Benny..if you like Southern Callfo~nta.. and l'~ ~ootlng fo~ Wiscoosin~ maybe -we oould make a little bet. Well..all ~Sght Dennis..hm~ much would you llks ~o bet? ~0 million dollars. JACK: ~" DENNIS: BB
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# .... -II- T~CF: (COY) Oh, two million dollars, eh?...Well, Demlis, may I esk you somethlng..~where in the ~orld would you get two million dollars? ,] . I could borrow it from the toys in t~ band. JACK: Oh fine,, i guess they here two million dollars. DENNIS: Uhhuh. JACK: and when, p~ay fieil, did the toys ~ the tend get two million @olla~s? DENNIS: A couple of ye&rs ago from someone named B~Inks. JACK: They did not..,They weren't even in Boston at the tlme...But walt a m" ute%..Bemley w~s off t t week, ..no, no...they'd neve~stooybo robbery. ~/ ~£g: Oh no..you ought to see Bagby ~2essed up as an old ~oman. a~@~-I~i~teq~L~op~s sub3ect..~ "~TAd%culous..But, there's Just enough tmuth in it tQ~re me. Now loo~d...supDose you let me hear the song you're ~nna do on the~'sho~-~ext week. D~krNIS: Yes~ slr~ I Just re~h~%rsed it with the orchestra. JA~<: What's the name of i~? "" DE~IS: We~e in the Money. . ",. / JACK: Now cut that out., ,just/Sing. \-~ ( ) " -,. (B N S' s sore) ,. (APpLAL~SE) j" ,, / / EM \ \ R]-'*'fOl 0183320
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-12 - ~C 0ND ROUTINE! JA~Dennis~ that ~111 L~ ~2e~t on the p~c~ram. DENNIS:'~'~hanks, Mr. Benny..7 better run along now or I ril be ia.te / e g~me. DENNIS: (~odbye. \ \ JACK: SO long...0h, Wait a minute, Dennis.. DENNIS: y~% si~? ", JACK; T ~ant YOU to offel, ~y~,c, or4~atul&tlons to ~ou~ brother.-I ~ead in the pape~ that he is g~ng to m~l~y ~/Ln Blyths. IY~NNIS : That i s might. \, JACK: Bu~ Dennis...there's one thi~ l'~on't undePstand...your brotb~rts name is MoNulty..and your~ame is Day...Why is that? DEnNiS: ~-ell, ?ou l~qow how it is...when ~ou ge~into pl, ofesslor~] ]ifej ~6metlmes yo~ change your r~me. ~ / JACK: Oh. ,,./so ~ou cha~ged ~rou~s~ ~ / DENNIS: N~, he changed his, he didn't wanb people to k~o~\I'm his / X \ /" brothe~ / / 0183327
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-13 - Oh..weil, he's ~ smart boy.., ICnents the wedding? JACK: Are you-'g01ng to be the-b~n~u? ..... ]~w~.'~No, my mother is. "-"~" JA~C: ~s~n, .Look, Dennis...please go to the game. Yes sir...C~odhye. JACK: 0h~ Rochester.. I~OCH: YES, BOSS. JACK: You bette~ get the car out. L-~ve gotte pick up my girl iris. (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SODU~D: JACK'S CAR HUFFING ADDNG) JACK: Gee, Irls, ~never ~,~ Fou look so nice...you're sure p~etty when you're ~l] dolled up. IRIS: Thls dress cost me, tbL?ty bucks. JACK: Well, it certalzly looks nice...Boy~ am I lucky I met you... yo~ k%~ow~ Iris, I never wo~ b~,ve met you if I h~dn't been h~uagry ~n~,t night...I ll~never forget.. ,I was driving along lookin~ for ~ 9iace to e~t, and I drove ~ight p~st Ciros and the Mooa/ubo...and i~wwas just f~te that =~de me turn into S~non~s D~Ive-in..llnd there. ~ .llke a vision of loveliness. ,you came toward ze., .Gee, you s~elled so good.
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-14- IRIS: Yeah, it was chicken gumbo night. JACK: Uh huh...twenty-f lye oents a bowl..a meal in Ibself... ~IS: Yeah...but I'm -~eally the lucky one..~agln_e me gong out with a rich guy llke you...a gu~o can afford to wear a coat with a fur coIlar. JACK: Fu-~., collar? ROCH: BOSSj IT SLIPP~ OFF AGAIN. JACK: Never mind, Rochester..and ~atch your driving...Look at tbs,t si~, it says "Speed Limit 25 MIie~ An Hour." ROCH: I'VE GOT HER ~IT~ OPEN BUT SHE'LL ~n~R MAKE IT. JACK: ~.Rocheste~, drive up to the Rose Bowl entrance and let us off, then you can park the car. ROCH: YES SIR. ( RANSI ION IC) (30UND: CROWD NOISES I~ ~Z~D FADE.) JACK: NYAN: JACK: IRIS: IRIS: JACK: IRIS : Come on, Ibis...And hold my b~od so we ~on't get separated. TICE~TS~ TI~TS...N0~ YOUR OWN TICKETS, PLEASE. Here yo~ are. Hello ~ Eddie. }~mL0, IRIS2 ~HAT'~ THE SPECTraL FOP TONIG~? Beet ~oup and boiled potatoes. Come on, Irle...forget buslne~ ±'or awhile. okay. EM R]'~01 0183323
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]r B~B: Hi~ Jack. JACK: Oh hellO, Bob...Say, you know Iris, don't Fen? ~:~: Sure.. ,Ssy~ Iris, ar~ you still ~,orkln' at ~b~ 5ba~r~Ock Care? IRIg: No, i'm back at the Drlve-in...Jack thought I oughta be outside ~here it's ~althie~. JACK: you're da~ right°..~hat~ the use of belu~ in California if you can't enjo~ ~he sun? IRIS: Ye~b,, ,but ! sur~ wish I ~ouI~ get off the night sf~ifto JACK: You ~ill, honey.., just save ~our tips.. ~hatI s all. IRIS: i do, but every timai get a little ahead, yo~ wanoa go to a movie oy something. JACK: ~.¢ell, It wonlb always be that way. ~: F~T~ LOOK WH0~S HERE....HI YA II~8~ H_~PPY_ NEW gEAR. IRIS: SA~ TO YOU~ LE~y. JACK: Left~?...~...you know eye,body, don~t you? IRIS: That's Lefty Fla~agan, ..~nat a sport, he always orders e la cal,te. JACK~ Well, don't talk to him. IRIS: But Lefty~s a big tlppe~. JAOK: Oh...~f YA LF/TY...Now let's see, whe~ do we -- AR~IE: Hello, Mr. BennY. JACK: Why, Mr. Kitzel. JACK: Mm. ~_~itzel...what a~ you doing here? AR~RE: A question? I~m here to see the game, of course. f~TMO~ 018332~
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£ - ~m -16- JACK: .. you have trou'~ ge~tlng tickets. ~Y Did I have trouble...I came here the dey before they were put oL~ sale, ~nd I stood in llne all night. JACK: Oh yes . ~eople do shey ia line all night for the Rose BOWl Game...what happened in the morning? 9~TIE: The Box Office opened at ~even...i waited my turn...Bought my tickets...but they turned out to be tickets to e burlesque show. JACK: Tickets to a burlesque show...how could they make a mistake like that? ARTIE: I made the mistake...ira the s~g, I got in the wrong line. JACK: Oh...are you he at the ga~e alone? .~TIE: No, I to meet my wife, but she's not here yet. JACK: Oh, that's too bed...I'd like to have seen her again.,. Tell m~, has ~he lost any weight? ~RTIE: No..~aa4 that's why shels delayed. JACK: How coulc ~hat ae±a~ nez~ AETI~: She was carrYlug a corsage of ro~es ai~d they thought she ~as a float in the parade. JACK: Mr. Kitzel, youTre joking. ARTIE,: Joking, he says..she won second p~ize, JACK: Wbst do you know..Well, ~;e better get to our seats...I hope you en~oy the gsme. _~TIE:~his is a certainty...Well, goadb.ve, Mr. Benny. f~T,,~O~ 01t33325
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-17- AHTIE: 0b, Mr. Bennyo..you know it's s cein~ide~ee ~/nnlng into you todsyj because it was exactly six years ago at the ~ Rose BOwl Game that I first met ~u. JACK: That's ~ight...you had a little hot dog stand l~e~e. A~IE: // Yeah., .aDd ! zmde so much money f~om my hot dog stand that I opened a little o~-fe and sold hamburgers and quick lunches. JACK: Well °.. A~E: This, toop was successful, so I went d~w~ town and I opened up a ~gula~ fir~ big restaurant which became vel~ popular. Jgb~E: Isn~ t that wonderful. A~: Then I built branches in Qlenda].e, Pomona, Burbank and Pasadena. JACK: No. AR~: TO supply m~ chain of ~staurant~, I opened a meat packing house aud ~ own bakery. JACK: S~y, your business really grew. ABTIE '..on boo hen hoo,..Last week I sold cut everything. JACK: Yo~ did? AR~: Yes3 and aftex, paying all mY income baxes, I will have e~ough mo~ey o J~K: TO ~etire? AERIE: No, to b~ a hot dog sta~d. JACK: What? ( A~TIE: Thls is ~ thlld tlme a~ou~d. / / 0~S3326
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~8- JACK: Wail, all i can -~sy, Mm. Kitzei, is good luck again .... See you later. AETIE: Goodbye, -Mr. Benny. (APPLA~NL f717 ~ACX:~%J~6me o., I~i~, let'~ get to our seats. BOB: (CALLS) Hey Jack, i'll be right with you...IT~,~g-~/12~~ / program5 JACK: 0kay.,°hurr~ up, Bob...Now come on, Iris...our seats should be in this aisle be~e. RUBIN: Stubs, please~ let's s~e the numbers on your stubs. JACk(: Here you a~e, Ilsher. ROBIN: Right this way...up this aisle to row number -- OH, HELLO IRIS. IRX~: Hello, Nick, how a~e things? ~IN: NINE, I'M ON PAROLE NOW. JACK: (G0~) Come on, come On, Irls, fo~ heavents sak~..JSobj let's get 5o ou~ seats. BOB : Okay. (SOUND: CROWD CHEER8 UP ~_~D DOWN) (Bmm BTA~ comvsm~AL) JACK: Hey, here comes the band o~t on the field. ~OB: Yeah..,Leo re spelling out iS 4~f, @AOK: Well, naturally. On college campuses 81! ove~ the counbl~ Lucky Strlk~ sells ~ore then the two othe~ leading brands tHe _ook o the (.)18332;."
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QUART: SP~KE LUCKY STF_IKE WE WILL M/~KE A BET IT'S A CIGARETTE YOU'LL LIKE J~T ~GAR ~3~D COMPA~ NOT A p[FFF I5 _~0UGH IF YOU PLrFF A LUCKY STR~E ~0 ROL~ AND SO FIRM IT'S M F T ITIS LUOKIES FOR A CLEANER FKEBTqER SMOOTHER ~MCKE IN ~53, RAH RAH USC~ iS, ~T P~H RAH USC: LS, MFT TO LOQK 8HARP SMOKE A LUCKY STFd~E TO FEEL B~I~EP ?UFF THE SM~ YOU IIL~ TO BE 8HAB2 AND G~ BETTER TASTE LIG}~ A FRESHER, SMOOTHER, LUCKY STRIKE, (~PLAmE) -18A- t F~T~O 1 0183328
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-19- % JACK:/ ~RI3, They ~ure ai'e. ~©B: Yean, i~e can see the whol~ field swell. MEL: (DRU~q) Pa~ me, folks, parm m~. JACK: Huh? ~S~L: What do ~-ou think I ou~hta get my wife fez, Christmas? JACK: Christmas -- Mistier, Cb~Is~as was a whole ~esk a~o.. This is New Years. MEL: you mean it' s already 19~97 JACK: It's 1~93. MEL: Oh my goodness, I be~ter get home..(HICCUP) JACK: Yeah, yesh, ..go home to you~ wife. her ? JACK~ For heavens s-~kes, I d~t even know you~ wife...Now leave us alone. ~g~L: Okay,..HAP ........ PY NEW YF~%R. JACK: Yesh, go.. go ~/~-}~ ,~ , BOB: Gem, it's a shame, a gu~ in bhat condition being allowed/~-~ out. JAOK: Yesh...Cond'o~t~ble, irls? IRIS: Uh huh...onLy I'm a little hun~. z JACK~ H~n~Y? ~e BOB: ~ay, if you want me to, I'll g hot dogs. JACK: Okay, go ahead, Bob. Bring thl~e hot dogs. J ~9]':~{01 0'I 8:~ 329
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-20 - BOB: ~u~'~ I'II be right back...what about mustard? IRIS: l~ve got some in my pocks% I came sLratght from wo~,k. JACK/~9%~J~t get the frankfu~ters,~b. BOB: Okay, I'll be right back. JACK: You ~mow, iris~ I think this g~me will be one of t~e =- ~IL: (DF~01~I{) Parm me..folks, parm me, folks. JACK: Ch no...it's T~e Happ~ Time agai.~..W~at is it now? ~L: H~ve you seen my wife? JACK: Look, Mists~..l never saw your wife in my !ife....l don't I~L: okay, okay...HA ................... Trf NE~; "~AR. JACK: Hnm~m. IRIS: Gee, the people you mee~ at football games. J~K: yeah ..... If this wasn't ~othg to ~ -- Hey, look, a guy just jumped out of a plane ic ~ parachuW... Hey, he,s t~ying to land ~Ight here io the Ross Bowl... of all the silly thing~ to do.. i wonder who would--- JACk: ..... a BOB'~Her~ i am with the hot Cogs, kids. JACK: 7 Oh, thanks, Bob. IPIg: ze~h, tha~k~. ~//d/~ BOB: Well, I just got back in t_m~..¢~fl~6ok~he~e oomes t~e U.S.C. t~am out on the field. 2~ (SOOq~D:/ CROWD CHARS BP ~ND D0kq~) BOB: ~f~ar-gh~y~//a lqusk~ bunch of~f~s...And just listen to that crowd. JACK: Bey, here tfne~ oom~'-~might past us. BB ~[,~401 C 183o30
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JACK: oscH: (Y~Ug) ~LLO, :Es. JACK: £1"Is, that settles i~...I take you to a football game and you know everybody. IFIB: ~ell, I can't help it...the boys on the U.S.C. football Z~am always eat at the Drive-ln.. °They all llke ~e. JACK: We~l°.. I~S: In fact, tl~y voted ~ Miss Unnecessa~" Roughness of 195~. JACK: I don~ t csr~ whet they --- Oh for heavenIS sakes, here MEL: parm me...Mister, have you geen my wife? JACK: Look. )I ~old you I don t even know...Ham...~SOTTO) Iley, l~Is,-watch me fin. him. ° °~at did you say, _~Istem? ~L: Have you seen ~- wife? JACK: Yes~.aJ~s a matter of fact, that's her sitting there two row~ in front of us...the lady in the red hat. ~L: ~./~Thank you. (gOU~3: COUPLE FOOTgTEPS) MSL: IRm sorz~ i'm late, sweetheart. JE~_Tf: ~at took you so long getting hex~? JACK: How do you llke that...out of a hundred thousand people I plckod the ~igbt~an...That's smszlng. BCB: Well, I'm glad you go~ rid of him so he won't bothem us 5a~;~I~e reall~ e ~abld football fa~, sre~t you? ~ w~itlng s book based on the life of tba~ All American line baoge~ f~om U.C.L.A. What's th~ name Of the book?. ~1"~07 O98333~
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BOB: I re~ember Moomaw, JACK: Oh, E, ob~ that's one of the worst -- JACK: J IRIS: 0RCK: JACK: -22- IRIS: JACK: APPLAUSE (SOL~D: C~0~D CHEER8 UP AND DOWN) Look, Jack, look...he~ comas the Wisconsin t~am. ~sy, those Wisoonsln players look awfully good, too, don~t thsy, Iris? They sur~ do. (YELLS) :~D, IRIS. %~LL, TH~'S THE ~ST STRAW...I'M ~AVING...I'M NOT ~v~N GONNA STAY ~,'D ~EE '.THE, GAME,..AS{D L~T ME TELL YOU SOFIETIfING Ei~E~ IRIS...YOU !~7D i AHE ~f~ROUGH....OUR E~3~4Eh"~ IS BROF~. %~AIT A ~LNbTE, IF YOU'RE BF~AKING THE ENGAGE~EhT, WHAT ABOUT THE RING? I'M NOT J~UfiNO IT BACK TO YOU...GOGDBYE. (GOU~D: OILIER8 UP AND DOWN) ~TMO'I 0183332
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JACK: -23- Ladies aod gentlemen, when a fel]~r ueeds a frlend...he ueeds a help[ng band. And ~ hands of the BIG REOTHATRS have £~iped thousarlds of growlog boys to fiod the way to a useful llfe... Be a BIG BRO~£ER yourself... All you have to i~wsfi is your time aod your l~te~st .... write - BIG BROTHERS OF ~MF~RICA - Philadelphi~ 3~ PeoDaylvanla. Thank (APPLAUSE) DON: Jack wiA1 oe back io just a moment, but first ..... HB RT,~O~ 0183333
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THE JACK BENNY SHC~~ SUNDAy, J~JARY 4~ 1953 (TRANSCRIBED JAh~ARY 2, 1953) CLOSING CO~MERC IAL DON: J~ck ~.~Jll be back in just ~ moment, but first ~.. N oth~ - no, noth~ - be~ts better ~sst~ -~nd Luck~es ~te be~ter! COLLINS: Luckle~ taste better! CHORUS: Cleane_~ fresher, ~moother~ Luc~ 3trik~ z~e~n~ fine tobacco Ri~he1~-tasting fln~ tobacco COLLINS: Luckle~ t~te b~tter: Lucky Str~ . °. Luoky Strike.~ DON: Fri~s it ~t~nds to r~ason. 4i~_~e o~g~r~tt~ for you to ~mok~ is the one that ~astes better because when all i~ ~id ~nd done, ~oth~ - no, ~ - beat~ bette_~ t~st~. And L uck~e~ taste cl%a~er, fresher ~r~i ~moother. better ~te ~,e~lly be~ with £~--~ tobacco. Mos~ ~nyone c~u tell you - I~ - Lu~k~j ~trik~ me~n~ f~ne tobacco ~.. flne, light, ~aturally mild tobacco ~i~h a wond~r-~l ~rom~ and ~ven ~tter t~te. And Luckle~ also t~te better bec~u~ the~'~e made bett~r. The~-~e ~ound ~nd fi~m ~nd full~ ~ked~ to d~ ~eely ~d smoke° So get the b~tter tast~ that fi~ tobacco ~_ better-m~de clg~rette can give. ~aen ~ou buy c!g~r~tt~, ask fo~ Lucky Strike.~ SPORTS~N B~ H~ppy -- Go Luck~! QUARTET Get bett~r t~ste tod~y! (~NG CLOSE)
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(T~. ROCH : ~"'~IA 2 JACK: ROCH: -24 - ,@AS A PRETTY TIGIIT GAME, WASN'T IT, BOSS? Z~ ~ was.. seve~ To nothing.. How do you llke ~hat? BOSS, BE ~AEEFUL DONIT DRIVE SO F~T. All r~g~t~ all ~ght, so ~Jou wo~]¸ do~It tell me how to d~ive. ~'~ ~ • S00~: (sinGs) FIGHT ON FIGHT ON TO VIg~ORX JACK: Just ~it back and ~eia~ Oh Rochsst~b~.don't let me forget to hea~ that ~e~ Luc~ Strike Pro~z'~ "The~ican N~" starring Horace Heldt... It's on every Thursday ~4~t on the ~R~d[o Network... Goodni~ht, ~k~, everybody we're a little late. (APPLAUSE & ~TUBIC) * DON: The lack Benny Prozrem is written by Sam Pectin, Milt Josefsbarg, George Balzer, John Tack~berry, and produced and sranscribed by Hilllard M~rk~. *DON: ~e Jack Benny program is b~ou~ht to you by Lucky Strike -- manufaotu~er of cig&~e~te8. Be sure tc hear ~The Amerlean WRY~ ~tarr~mg ~or&ce ~e~d~ for Lucky ~trlke ~ver~ Thursday ~ght over thi~ station. I'm sure you'll enjoy thi~ great new progrmm. C~n~t~it ~our new~pa~er f~ the t~m~. • .AN~CR:~tay t~e~ ~ow for the ~As~ ~n Andy" show whlch follow~ ima~iately over ~e~t ~f t~he~e s~me ~tatien~. Ta~ ~ the CB~ Radio Network. SB
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~oG~ #z8 F~VIS~ID SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRII~ THE JACK B~;Y- PROGRAM (TRANSCRIBEJ3 JAN. 6, 1953) \ RT~01 0183336
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T~ J~CK BENNY SHOW S[~YDAY~ J~#ARy iI, 19_53 @P~ING ~O~dC IAL DON: COLI~IN$: CHORU~ : COI~INS : COLLINS: CHORUS: DON: (TRANSCR~ED JILNTZ~:~y 6, Z953) THE JACK BE2~ PROGI~L...~RANSCRIBED AND PRESE~D BY LUCKY STRIK~ ! Luckle~ ta~e bet~r'~ Cle~ller~ fre,~her~ s~oothcr~ Luckl.es taste bette~! Lucky Strike mea~s flue tobacco Riche~-t~sting fine tobacco Luckie~ t~st~ bette~! Cleaner~ ~reshe~ Smoother: Lucky Strlke....Lucky Strike! c~-g~rette Is really simple. Just go by the taste. That's right! Fo~ not.h~ - ~u~o, ~ - beats bette~ taste. And th~ cigarette that tastes bette~-oleane~, fresh~r~ ~d ~moother ...i~ Lucky Strike! First o£ all, Luckles give ~u the bette~ "~a~te of ~aily fine, mild tobacoo. Remember, LS/MFT - Luc~g ~trlke mean~ flue tobacco - with a wonderful flavor of its o~z. ~fn~trs more, Luokles give you the better taste of a better-made clg~rette....made round and firm ~nd fully packed to d~a~ f~eeiy ~nd smoke evenly .- to ~ste oleaner~ ~eshe~ ~oothe~. So, f~le~ds...fo~ ~o~ o~ ~moki_ug e~jo.ym~t, ~emembe~ - betfie.~ ta~t6 i~ ~b~t 7o~6 ~e~lly after. A~d better taste is ~hat you ~ in every pack of Luckesl Be b~ppy -- go Lucky! Mak~ your next pack BR A r;~O'! 018333 ;:"
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T~ JACK BENNY I'RC~RAM SUNDAY, 0~A~UARy ll, 1953 (~RANSCRIBED JAND~RY 6, 1953) 0PE~{ING CO~qCIAL (CONT 'D) COI J~INS : C HORU S : MUSIC: DON: Luckles t~ste bettem! ~le~er, f~h~p~ smoother! Lucky Strike....Lucky Strike~ (PRCGR~ Tb~ UP AND D0~) The Lucky Strike program st~rring ..... BR B T,~O l 018333B
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:FIRST I, OVF/LNE ) ~l- (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC [~ AND DOWN) DON: T~E LUCKY BT~,IK:E PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BE~]TI....~.¢ITH MARY LIVI3~GSTONE, ROCURS~ DENNIS ~Y, BOB CR0~BY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WII~ON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC T37 AND D0~¢) DON: L~IES AND GE~EM~, IN JUST NINE MORE DAYS A N~A TENAg~ Will5 MOVE INT0 TB~ WHITE HOUSE. _,~/~D TONIGHT, SINCE ~ CAN'T BRING YOU T~E DISTINGUISHED z~/WD LO\mnABl~ TENANT, ~ BRING YOU THE M~AN OLD lANDLORD. AND ~ HE IS,..JACK B~{~q6! (APPLAUSE) JACK: :Ih~nk ~o% tha~Jc yoki~ thank ~o~...Hello a~n....this is Jack Benny talk~g. And, Don, bhat's the most ridiculous thing I evem heard...salTing that i o~n the White House. DON: But, 0ask, what I said inn~t so ridinulous. Technlcally, as a citizen a~.d t~xp~r, you do own the White House. JACK: look, Don -- DON: You own al~i the buildings ~n Washlngton. The Capitol, The Linrsmy of Confess -- JACK: Don -- DON: The L~ited States PostI'ji~±ce.'°~ .. ,]ACK: DOn -- DON: The [Tnlted states Supremo SouPt. JACK: Don - - DON : JACK: The Uni~ed States MinZ. ~_~) Don~ stop bein6 -- ~]~t~d yo~ say, what~d yo~ say?.~ .H~? Wh~t'd you ,~y? /~/"/'?~--2 BR 0183339
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-g- DON: I thought that %'ould get you. But, Jack± it's true. you own it, I own it, all the t~uo~yers own it. It's li~e being stock h~lde~ in a corporation llke..er.C~llke the Amerlcan Tobacco Com~y. jACK: Well, Don, that's a very good comparison...because everybody l~ows that the United States Mint is ro~ud and firm and fully packed....~d if it isn't, it will be on ~rch Fifteenth ...that I know. DON: M~roh Fifteenth ...... Jack, what ~..-~-E ' JACK: Well, Don, you don't know about this, but people "who earn ove~, five hundred dollars a ye~ ~ve to pay ~axes. The~bs~ JAg~- ~e~te ~comg~-~-t~y-~o ?~19 whenevee. -~7~-- Oh, l%ello, M~1,y. M~EY: Hello, Don. DON: H~y~, Mary. JACK: Mary, i s~id hello, too. MARY: [~S~ I ow, I know. JACK: ~_, wh~t~s eating you? M&R~: Plenty. All I asked E~is let me keep a couple of packages of me~t in your deep ±reeve...and this raoPn~g Eoohe~te~ sent them back to me. ~ said ~ha~e was no ~oom. JACK: Well, M~y, if the~e~s no ~oom, there's no ~oom. DON:~Y~Wai~ a minute, J~ck, I happen to Jn~ow that your f~eezeP S~ ~musually large.. ,and just a week ~go I looked In and it was empty. BR f~T~O t O18334~ 0
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MARy: Wells it's full now. DON: No kidding, wb~t b~s he got in it? M]LRY: His Christmas tree. JACK: DON: -3- All right, what's ~#rong-~ith preserv~Jag a Christ, s tree? Jack's -~ight Mary. It Isn't any of o~-~ buslness what he keeps Ln his deep freeze ~s long as he h~s plenty of meat... like those :~teaks ha served us last night. ~XARY: ~ome steak! JACK: what do you mean...some steak! . .If you didn't l~e it, why did you eat ~o much? MARY: I was trying to guess whether it was Dancer, Pr~ucsr, Do~ner B] Itzsn., $1CK: ~R~LI_/lO~Lk/~oZL~_mE/L~IS. Those were very fine steaks. Didnrt you see the ~ovel~ent stamp on them? Qr~de A? MARy: Mine said "Merry Christmas". JACK: I wrote that on theme myse]fL Ncw look M~,-~y, we h~ve a show to do tonight...and ~ very Important sket0h...so let's -- (CRASH OF CYMBALS, DRUMS, ETC. ) JACK: What in the world~yesas -- Bob . .Bob, what l-~ppened? BOB'~9~ Sa~mly the drumme~el! off the b~dstand, .n &- JACK, , , BO~:g~,~,~Jack,> ~ ~t isn't wh~t yom thi~k. The boys in the ban ,zme mmoh practical jokems. JA~: Practical jekePs. ~hy, w~b did they do? ,n BCB:~)%~ey took the electric ~ire that goes to Remley's guitar ~ud taped it to ~y's chai~, BR
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-4- JACK : Well, of all things. Wiring up his cb~ir with electricity. •..and I can't understs~idoan~y ~ f~l]ing for it. Di~u:t he suspect anything when he sst on Zhose wires? BOB:/Z&~g~e didn't even get suspicious ~hen ttmy sL_t hms pants leg. JACK: Sllt $~sny's pants leg? BOB~They didn't bare to sh~ve his he~,d. JACK~/ ~T~t I }mo~....But Bob~ I th~3~ hhe boys ~re going too f~r,.., Sammy could have gotten electrocuted. BOB: ~ .~/~That's what the boys figured...so ~ast night they took him to ~ Csl'eteri~ and told him ~o ordez~ anything he wanted. JACK:~, Bob,~_ ~ me~~- you went with them? BOB: Ng~, ~, donlt you remember?...Y W~s at yoar house~ JACK: Oh yes/:" ~: BOB:~By the -~ay, ~t~t k~id of steaks wet,e those yoa served ]~st night? BOB:~Z ~vsPy tLme _~turned ove~-h~-.bed 1 bAard sleigh bells, JACK: Now, cut that out! I invite the ~hole gang over for a steak x dinner and instead of bei~ grateful, jou a~l make cracks ~bout it being re~idee~....The only one tb~t hasn't is Denuls, DENNIS: i can't t~Ik, I've got ~n ~tler stuck in my tTmoat. OL~CK: An antler? DENNIS: Xoa~ t~t is still hanging on it. JACK: Oh fo~ heavens sake. ! don't know why it is. I try to do a program and everybody .... BR 13 [.~{~3 ~ 01833,$2
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C ~: ~I." ~ack~"'~e it easy. JACK: -5- I can't help it....Derails, why do you go around irritating people? DENNIB : I 'm experimenting. JACK: krn~t k~ud of ~ o~rlment is that...i~itating people. D~NNI~: When you do it to oysters, they give pearls. JACK: M~ry, you t~lk to him will yea? MARy: Dennin, you bette~ sing your song. D~IS : 0kay. (AFP~USE) (D~V~IS' SONG --')}~J-RT AND S0t~") ( APPI~USE ) [ BE
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(SECOND RO~iI~) / / JACk: Tha~,wss Dennis Day sing!ng UH~aDt ~d Soul". And ve~~ Jood De~ui~, it wad excelle~t. And uo~ ]adles ~nd gsntlemet~ -- /J JACK: \ No ~o, Den~i~, they ~e~e fine. Aud now, ladi~§ and g~lemen - - DE~IS: My enu~ciat!cn was horrible. JACK: No tlo, De~uls, It "~as peDfect. A~d ~ow, ladies ~nd Jent!emen ~- DENNIS: I thouJht 1~ phra~iDg wa~'!ou~y. JACK: Oeuui~, wh-y do you r~ ~ourdelf dow~ iik~ that? DE~IS: ~<hen you~ r~ loaded with tale~t~ you have to be modest. JACK: (FUMING) De~nl~ -- Dennis -- " .... DENNIS: Oob~ look, anothe~ pearl. JACK: Now ~top that. A~d, Deunis, instead of~olng all that sil!~'ta]k, you bette~ study the sc~lot because we'~e 7 ~]9fr~g a ve~ Impo~,tant sketch tonig~t. And everybody ~e~t~ be o~-thelr toes; b~c~u~ -- (SOUNN: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Now, who can that be? (80UAO: RECEIVER b~) JACK: Hello. ROCH: I~/~LO, MR. BENNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER. (APPLAUSE)
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7 JACK: Rochester, i'm in the middle of s progrsm. ROCH: I }LNOW, BL~ I WAh~A TELL YOU 50-~THING. .TACK: Tell me something, 4~!~-me-~m~L I just left the house a little ~ile ago .. Why do yell always call me ~b the studio? ROCH: ! DON'T GET APFLAD~E AT HON~. JACK: N~ve~' mind that. WhatI ~ so important? ROCH: A MAN WAS HERE FROM A FInN MAGAZINE, AND !~ SAID THEY W.~T~ TO PRINT TRE STORY OF YOUR LIFE o.. RECTUEES AND .Eg~HYTHiEG. JACK:~Pictures, too, huh? ROCH: Y~{ ,.. SO i GAVE EM ~0~ THAT W~ERE TAKEN N~N YOU W~HE IN THE NAVY ... S0~ ~N YOU WEHE IN VA~EVII~ . ~. A~ SOME THAT WERE TAKE~ WHEN YOU WERE ENTERTAINING OVEREEAS. JACK: ~GOOd, good. ROCH: THEN HE ASY~I F~ FOR ONE~ OF YOUR BABY PICTURES BL~ I JACK: ~0CH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCK: COUT~N'T FIND ANY. Well, what did you do? I SI~PP~ HIM OME OF ~NE. What? TBEN RE ASKED ME A ~T OF pERSONAL QT/FSTIONR .... ~ND ! TOLD HIM YOU WERE TH~ NIC~T, KiNOHET ~ MOST CONSIDERATE MAN I ~,~R WORKED FOR. Well, thank you. TI~N HE BRUUGEI 7~ TME SUBJECT OF yOUR GEI~ROSITY. Uh huh. SO I mOlD HIM ~OR C~L~ISTMA5 YOU GAVE .ME_ A BONUS OF FIVE THOUS ~D DOLLARS. HE
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8- JACK: You told him £ Kave you five thousand dolia~s? ... What made you think he'd bo]ieve that? ROCK: BOSS, WHEN HE DIDN'T QUF~TION THE BABy PICTURE, I N~EW HE W~5 ~7/i~NNRABLE. ROCk: +~, HE WA~ED TO KNOW HOW YOU HE,SO,ALLY CLASSED yOURSRL~ AB A )I-0% IST. JACK: Now ! classe~-~y~el~. POOH: ~. 80 ! TODD "-41N-TFJ~T yON THOUGF/ YOUR TOHE WASN'T AS ~ON.~ AS IT BHOUI/) B~.~ JACK: You told him-that? ~'~ ROCH: L~AH,~T~N i TOID HIM YOU THOUGE~ Y~ F!NGERING W'~S CLUMSY A~D YOUR BOWING WAB AW]CgA~D. "-,~ JACK~/" Rooheste~, wh] did you tell him that?__ ~ t~: B0~s ~VIN WHEN YOU HA~'T GOT IT, xcu ~Av~ TO B~BT JACK: I-gue4~-.~ow Rochester, ! have to get back to the program, so i~!l see you iate~. Goodbye. PObN. GOODBk~ OH SAY, BOSS. JACK: What new? //.. ~'Y~ ROCH: A .~A~ MI~7~E5 AFTER Y~G LE~T ~E HOUSE .~N ELEOTRI~ ~i~SE BL~,W JACK: My freezer ~ent off? ~e~-mea% what happened ~o all the thin~s I have in it? POCH: WELL, YOUR CHEI~TM~ T~ IS ALL RIGId, B~ TWO BTEAK~ T~I~WED OUT AND RAN UP T}~ CHIMNEY. JACk: Nan up the -- N~I that's ridiculous. Rochester, wb~ did you ~ , ma e p a thir~ ]ike t? /7 ' • ,~ ¢? • • R ] ,~0 '! 0 1 8 3 3~6
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"V -9- ROCH: BOSS, W~N YCU STA~ WITH APPLAUSE, YOU GOTTA E~D WITH A LAUGH. JACK: ~e% I hoDa !.m~as iortuna~e ,., Goodbye, Rochester. ROCH: GO000OO OO O000~BI~t. (SOUND: HECEl~R DOWN) ( APPL&USE ) JACK: You F.no~;, Rochester may ,~o~ be a ~ood butler but he certainly • •. he c~rtadnl7 • .. ~m. MA~: What's the trotter, Jack? JACK: ! wrote an ad lib in here and I can't find it ,.. oh, well• DON: Jack, what about the ~spo~tant sketch you said ~e're going to do tonight? JACK: Oh yes ~.. And now, ladles and gentlemen ,.. for ou~~ featurs attraction tonight, we will present our version of that wonderful Psra_~ou~t Pictuz~ ~IThe Road to B~li" Which sta~s Bobb~ope, Bing Crosby, and Dorothy Lamour. MAI~f; ~ ~T sa~iu last Dight, Jack . .. and it l~a!ly is funny y picture. JACK: I know ... Now, Since I~m a ocmsdlan, X'll play Hope's pa~t... and slnoe Bob C~sby is Bin~' s brother~ horll play his pa~t... and Dennis -- DA~NI$.~ ~ akay,¢ but I look lousy in a sarong. be a natlve we ~ in the jungle ~.. a head hunte~. JACK: Yes, and before we start, go hunt for your owns... !~ow as~/ matter of ~a~t~ we were going to have Do~otb~ Le4nour on the show~ hut at the last minute something happened. She wanted ~oney°~ , MA~: RU ~'t] ,,,01 O 18334t?
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-lO - JACK : BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK: Oh quiet ... Now MarY~ you'i~ going to be Dorothy I,smour. Okay ~.. but with Biug and Bob in the plc~ure .., who'~ gonna get me? The May Com~ny if you k~ep m~king those c~aoks , ..-g~-~ "S~y Jack -- ~at i~ it~ Bob? if ITm going to pl~ Bingr~ p~t ... maybe I ought to c~ll him ~nd get permission. JACK: Oh, you dou't have,t0 db~uhst, BOB: Yes I do ... ~ ~ve to ask B±~g about everything ... I ~ven ~k~d himli~ I could get married.\ / \ MARY: No k~di~g, Bob ... did he give ~oa hi~bl~s~lug~. BOB: /Z~h,/ and what blessings ... I o~shed it, ~ bou~t,~,\ the / house. ~\ / JACk: _~i~, ~ ... and ~ow't, hat we v~ do~e ~ll the casting, let~ get on with our ~ket~h, The Rosd to Bali. DON; Wait ~ minute, J~ck . .° what about me? JAOK: Oh ye~, Don, ~ou~ve got ~ ve~ impo~taut pa~t. DON: i have? JACK: Y~,s~ ~aiat ~ w~±t$ line d~n your back, you.re gon~a b~ tjg~ ~oad ~.. ~A~NOW L~I~S A~ (~I]~F~ .... FOR OU~WF~ATID~. A~BACTXON O~ ri~ EVENING .. o "T~ ROAD TO BALI,I' R~
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-I1- JACK: (FILTER) ~4f NAME IZ BOB HOPE ... ~ VAUDEVILLE PA~NER, BING CROSBY ~D I ~4EBE STRAND~ IN AL~TRALi~ .. WE le~RE BROK~ L~ :~JNGRY ~ ~ NO FRIF~DS IN AUSTRAI~A, SO FINALLY IN DESPERATION ~[E BECARE ?iOEPOBKETS o .. T~ FIPST POCKET I PICKED . .. ~C~'HING ,.. T~ SECO~ POCK~ ,.. NOTHING ,.. THE TBZFD POCKET BIT ~ ... I HAD PICKED THE POUCH SF A E~%NGAR00 ... ~VTER DAYS OF CONflANUED BAD r-~JCK# WE WERE WALKI~ DGW~ THE STREET_ kU~EN I ~RNED TO M~ P~J~RER A~) SAID: JACK: (~G. ~) Gosh, four d~ys ~nd nothing to eat ... Ifm starved . .. Say Bing -- CROSBY: [5!I~) When the blue qf $~e ~ight mee~s the gold 9f the 7 JACK: ~ ~-&4~-~:.:5~-~, Bing~ I can't ~ndemszand wh~ l~m fa!iur~ ... !~m a taler]ted dancer ... I'm a wondamful singer ... i~m a great actom ... ]]~m a big st~l~, 760PE: (CO~[NG IN) YOUH~E A BIG HAM. JACK: Huh? ,.. Look, it's Bob Hope, JACK: Bob , .. Bob Hope ,.. what a suing_rise~. HOPE: Some sumprise., We had thr~e r~hea~sals, I turned down the first two scripts, finally had to Call in m~ own w~Iters, and he~s su~Drised. JACK: Look, Bob -- # , HOPE: You can go horns if you wan% i've got a mono]oguWV~that will run through .a/~os and Andy, Kdga~ Bergen, and pight up to the ~eaZher ~poz,t. EU
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~AOK: We~ther report? :-£OFE; Dull ~oday, funny tomorrow. JACK: Oh, yeah? ...well, let me tell you something.. Rochester ms~ not be ~ good butler but he co~tainly----0h ~ goodness, I wrote it on the w~ong Rage...Hew-~e%~-~he~.- JACK: ;~&-~, ~iT-r~.. Now Bob, i'd llke you to say helle to the other-~ HOPE: Un-uh...just ~ second, Jeck. JACK: Huh? BOPE: A full minute has passed and you haven't said it. JACK: Oh yes...The Road to Bali. HOPE: That's bev~tor. M~_~: Jack, -~by did you hays to sa2* "Road to Bali"? HOPE: It's either that o~ mousy..Hiya, Max,. MARY: (IAL~3~ENG) Hello, Bob. JACK: Say Bob, you kuow Bing's b~other, of course. HOPE: ~ ~/-~ure....Hello, Beb. OHOBBY: HOPE: C HOBBY: HOPE: OBDSBY: HOPE: CROBBy: Hello, Bob. How do you feel, Bob? Fine, h~w do Fou feel, Bob? Fine, bow's you~ wlfe~ Hob? Pi~6~ howls you~ wifs~ Bob? F~ne, how ere you~ kids, Bob? F~ue, how are your kids, Bob? FOU~ w~ite~s got ~ald six ~hhousasd dlalouge. doiiaz~ fo~ 5his sparkiin~ ~q r')<o ~ 0183350
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-14- HOPE: -~b-~hT, ~ook at you~ wat~h.~ JA6~: Huh? Oh y~s, Road to Bali, Road to Ball, Josh two minutes ~o fast ~ HOPE: Thanks, Jack...Now there's something I want to do for you. JACK: WhatI s that? HOPE: Well, I wz~te special lyrics to ~ theme aChE, "Thanks :~or The _Me~o~~ ...sr/d I'm goi~ to SinJ it to you with the BoO ~tgmen Quartet o JACK: W~l, that's swell, Bob..,Oome on, letts hear it.
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-15- BOB : QUART : BOB: O/CART : V BB THAN~ FOR T~IE~ LUCKY S_~!SIKES THE PgCK YOU CAVE TO ME OF L~4FT I5 MORE T}~N Z ~PFCTED THOUGHT i'D HAVE TO ~0RK FOR ~E OH THA}Y£ YOU SO MUOH. ~HANK$ F0R TKE EUCZ~__ STR]Hg~S A SENTIMEN9 ~E SHAIKE YOU P~A_R IT Eg~]~KE A LUOKY STRIZZ IS BETTER MADE jUST ~ IT AA~D COMgARE SO ~HA~NK YOU SO ~JCH. LIghTEN BOB, ON YOUR NEW 9ROGRAM CAN YOU USE A ~CNC~PX QUART~-? OF COURSE, ~ !rLL PAY YOU IN Jl~i0 YEZ~ ALL YOU C~I~ EAT OH BOY, WHAT A ~REAT WELL~ THANKS FOR T~ 0FF~% BOB. WE'D REALLY LI~ TO GO AND ~E P_~ART 0F YOUR SHO~- BUT ~RE STUCK WITH B~NY FOR V]~Y i~ITTLE DOUGH BUT THANK YOU ~ MUCH ~gE LIKE THE TASTE OF A LCOKY_ TH~'S NOTHING AS GOOD, NO THEVKE'~ ~NOTHING FOR REAL SMOKiNG PLEASDTtE START PUFFING A ~CJ~Y STRIKE, T~ ~0~ YOU LIZ~. (MO~) R I'M,O I O I~3352~
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~UART: ~3 THA~IL5 F~)R A LUCI~f STR_TKE CONT'D) THE SMOY~ ~TE 9IL ~NJOY NO LOOSE /E~TDS TO ANNOY .~ROM I~OEI~DA TO WASHIECTON FROM MAINE TO IL~IN01S $0 T}Li~YK YOU SO VERY MUCI{_. (Ap~T~AUSE) V BB f~ }MO J 0 I 8:~3t54
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( [HIND ROUTINE) , JEOK: ~hat~ ~oude~-ul ~ Bob,,Not ouly did -~c~ sing the Luckg Strike commercial ~e!!, but you've got the only nose that can tee~ and Compa-~e.. ~ ~be ~y~ ~ou hav@n'~ met DeDnls Da~ ?/e~. D~NIZ: Hei!o,. M~ Hope. HOPE; ~Hello~ Dennis. D.~[ff2S: YgU ~'no,~, I sa'~ you~ very first ro~ picture..The Ro~i ~o Singapore. HOPE: Really?¸ DI~N~S: Yes, then I 3a~ Tha Road to Mo~'o~co~ The Road to Zanzibsr, The Road ~o Rio, T~ Road %~ Utopia, a~d ]Last night Z ~a~ The Road to Bali. HOPE: No kiddin~. Ye~..end n~ t's~t I~ve fin~l~,'y m~t ~o~ in pe~o~, I'd like t~ tell you something. HOPE: ~t? DENNIS: 7fo~r~ not "rig '~ t]~mut ~ing C?osby. ~ • ~?~s/,~h~s~gitive from ~looamo~.ra sticking hi~ ~ong~e ~mt aj~me?/ JACK: No, tnatrs/an an~4m.. No~ le~s-~e% o~ m~th ~he sketch. / HOPE; What sketch? JACK: '_~hj~ F~oa~Th~ F~oa ~o Bali. HOPE: ~/~ot a f.~ee one that tiros. JACK: : ~no~ b~t l~m putting my watch ahead., "Well~ let's get on ~ith 511e sketch. HOPE: Okay..He~ Jack; who's that lyi~g down On the floor? JACK: Thatls Don Wilson, he~s ~ ~osd. V BB ~T'~O! 0183355
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HOPE : JACK: HOPE : Oh yes..~, Jack, I th~nk it's only zair ~o~ me to play the. part~i 'cree te~ in the pigture. ~_/ , Well...naturally...So I'll pla~ Bing'a/part. /~" No Jack, since BOO here is Bing~s brother..he should play that role. JACK: Hmm...,~ell, -wha$-,~ado In ti-~ ~,k~tch? HOPE: You play the part of the Olanz Octopus. JACK: No~ -~ait a minute..I'm not playing any octopus. HOPE: Bu~ it's a very important part. JACK: i don't ca?e ho~ important it is.. imagine, a man of my position in sho~; business playing an octopus. HOPE; BUD Jack~ i~ motivates the ~hmle picture. Yiou see, the octopus ~ua~,ds a sunken tressu~e ~orth millions of dollars. JACK: Well, get me six more arms and let's go...l~ll set the sceno,..LADIES AND C;~TLE~/~...PARAMOUNT PXCTURE$ PP~NT.. T~ ROAD TO BALI..WITH BING CROSBY, BOB HOPE~ DOROTHY LAMOD~ AND STARRING -- (DRUM ROLL ~D CYMbaL 0RASH) JACK: ~TIE OCTOPUS ........ C~JRTAIN..~JSIC. S" BE
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V -19- (FILT~qR) MY NAMY IS BOB .~IOPE..OROSB~ AND I IEFT AUSTRALIA BOUND FOR THE SOUTH SEA ISIA~DS TO LOOK F0E S~ TE~SUEE.. WE L~DED ON THE ISLAND 0.~ VATU A~ BECAME HOPFLESSLY iD~T IN THE J~GLE, ,FOR DAYS ~E -w-AND~ T-~-q0UGH A TANGLE OF VINES~ AND T~ ~ CAME TO A HUBB~q pLANTATION AND ~ THROUGH IT FOR ~,UITE A STREfCH ...... RUBBER?..STRETCH?...I~L~ IF T KNOWN I WAS ~5,_~TIE GET DIALOGUE LIKE THIS, I'DA WCFd~ TOP ~T 2~ID ~-TE TIE. ~. NO pAN2_S~ YOU'VE GOTTA ~ET ~UGir.5~~-,'~" ~" ..... ,/ AS WE R~CItI~ A CZEG ON THE 0THKR S',~E, H~ W'~ ~UP~0bqgDND BY A FI~CE TRIBE OF CANNIE3AL~ AND T~ BEAUTIFUL ~/I~TE PRINCESS. F HOPE: TEE F~I~CESS C~l,~ UP TO ME, llua~ SAID... MARy: Me native princ~s~ ~ho you? HOPE: (REG. MIFLE)~Ho~ do you do~ l~dies and gentl~men, this is Bob, ~WhatTs CookingIE Ho~e, telling all ~;ou oaonibals that ~hile I'd li~e to bPing you joy, don~t look at me when you ~ant to put something in the pot, boy. MIRY: No "wo~y..my t~ibe not eat you., .You veTy handsome man. HOPE: Wait a mlnute.,yoo don't loo~ ll~ tl.e r~al princess. MA~y: Heal pl~incess not ~e~e, she ~anfi money. DENNIS: All I ~a[~t is you, baby..kiss me~ toots. HOPE: gait e mlnute, Dennis, you read my line. D : o I didn't. HOPE: 3:as, ~ou dld..look at ?2ae scrlp~. ~t say~ "BobbY,..that's me. D~NIS: it sa~s "Eoob~, that's me. BB 8TN01 0 I 8..', 35,-
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D~NIS: HOPE: Dh~F~I S : JACK: HOPE : JACK: HOPE : CROSBY: CRO SB¥ : -20- HOPE: ~-r-~e..some sketch this ~s..It's crazy enough to have Jer~y Colonna in it. (A i~I COLOh~A) GREETINGS GATE, SORRY I'M LATE. No~ wait a minute..you're not even in this sketch, ho~ can you make love to the p~IDCBBS9 I DON'T ASK QUESTIONS, Z JUST HA~E FJ~. Key Bob, what aboot me? Beat it~ OctopiJs, you come in later. Oh. Well~ I'm ~et~ing out of be~e..Come ,on, BAng. (SINGS) "~n the Blue oi' th~ nigb_~ meets the gg!d of the day.. ( ~-ISTLES ) , ~SOUND: jONGLE,NOIS~E~ UP AND DOWN~ HOPE: (FILT~q) WE ~LKSDI~ID Oi~ LONG TREK T~ROUGP~HE JUNGLE..T~N OUR BAD LUCK BEG~..WI~ HAD NO FOOD OR SUPPLI~,..AT NIGH1~ ~I~E ~La_D TO LIGI~ ~IRES TO ~ T~E _~_NIM~iB AWAY..T_~N 0~ WAT-~.~ SUPPLY RAN OUT..WE HAD NOTICING TO DRI~E£..fa~D W~ ~3~NT TI~ %~EY~S WT~THOVI i BATE., ,THEN THE AELMALS STaRTeD LIE~ING FqZRES TO I~ US AWAY., .FINALTZ ~ GAME TO TEE COAST f~ ~E i£1011[E~ DOWN INTO TRR T~SOON ~E T~ SU-~ TP~BDRE LAY S~V~E FATIiOMS DFI~...WE GOT iNTO A BOAT AND NOWBD TO T~ E~I~ CT SPOT. (SOUND: HOPE: (REG. Mille ) (SINGS) When ~he blue of t~he night meets t~ Bole of t~ SPLASHING SOUNDS AS BO~T IS ROWFD) Well, this loo~s li~e the place, don~t yo~ think BB ~8]-;ffO1 01~33.8
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HOPE: No~ look, I'II put this diving helmet on you....There...No~ go ove~, the side arid look for the treasure. ($0~3: LiGZ~Z 8PL~.Z~NG NOISES) HOPE: Azta boy, Bing..go lJ.O~4n and get it. (SOUND: ~y ~EAVY SpL~_SNES) HOPE: ~,..~E COMES T~ GIANT OCTOPUS. (SOUND: F/AV7/~ 8pLA.SHES) 3"ACE: Thaflls ~3e, foiks..~i~h~H~o~,-4~ho~-~/~1]~l~uJ-$s ~laen. h559~c - ~ee~-qe~*,-~ $poil~he ~keggh~..Yqiu~_supposed~o be th~-~c, topus e~/ eat C~Wsy up. (SOUND: LOb]3 SPL~SH~G) HOPE: Oh, my goodness,..the giant ootopus ate t~p ~y pal~ Bing... Ootopus...Ootopus...say ~olne~hing, JACK: (SINGS) ~-nen the blue of the nig~ht meets the gold ~f the day, someone %~aits for me. BB ~31"~0 ~ O ~83359
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7AC, K: La~le~ ai~ E~tleme~, the £1ood of ioo~s~ enrOl]~e~ts in our schools w!il oreat8 a c~±tic~i S±t~at~on within the ~ext few year8 ~n!ess action i~ taken now. By taking an interest in our school~ all of us can hel~ ~ake ~ure t~at the Com~unity we live !~ gets the bcBt education for t~ money it ~pends and p~ovides the best ~ossible educational opportunit~es fo~ o~ c~ildren. So pte&se joi~ and woz'k with ]ocai civic g-~oup~ ~I~ ~ohool boa~so R~m~mbe~, be~te~ school.8 build a 8~ronge~ America. Thank you. ( APpLAuSE ) OON: Jack will be back in just a moment, cigarette smokers. b~c fi2st a wo1~ ~o R T,'gO 1 0183360
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THE. JACK BENNY PROGR2/¢ SUNDAY, JAI~!UARY ii, 1953 (TRANSORI~ JAN. 6, 1953) DON : COLLINS : CHORUS : COLLINS : CHORUS : Nothin~ - no, nothing - bests better taste. Luckies taste better! Cleaner, fresher~ smootDer! Luokie8 taste better! Cleaner~ fresher, smoother! COLLINS: CBORUS: DON : %UART : -C- And remember,.. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacoo! Luckles taste better! Cleane~ freshe~, 8~oothe~! Lucky Strlke ~.. Lucky Strike! F~ends, taste ~a~es the big difference i~ c±garettes for ~othi~9_- a_q,_.~gthi~ - beat8 better taste., ~nd L~ckies tast~ better -- cleane~, freshe~, ~mootl~r. Hut donEt take m~ ~o~d atone for it. Just Zi~ten bo ~h~s a~d judge fo~ yourself. A harlot-wide survey, based on ~ctual student interviews !~ 80 lea~ing colleges, ~eveals t~at more s~kers in these oolleges prefer Luckle~ then an7 other cigarette. By a ~ide ma~gi~, too! A~d the number one reas3n the students ~ave fo~ ~ok~ng Luckies ~as better taste! Y~ a~d Z kno~ you to~o ~ill £ked that Luckles taste bette~ ,.. cleaner, and f~esher~ and smoot~r. So el~joy the full rich taste of fine miZd tobacco in a betke~ made oigar~tke. Ye~, be hap~_y -- go L~oky. Ce~ be~e, ~aste today! Be hap~g -- go L,~ok$ Get bette~ taste today! (LONG CLOSE) BH R1-~01 01193361
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/" ,/" ~e~$~e~'~T~ .7o ~e~n~,~jm~~ ~uTpeeI s~o~omV--£ue~moO oeo~qo& u~'~- eqq ~o ~onl>oac~ %I$~ ~u~e~ m~S ~q ue%%$~t¢ ~ m~o~ £uu~ ~o~£ ~rq~ , :NOJ &oiIeP £u~ e~t[ nc£ esoop aoj %onpo~d ~ao~uod~ ~m ea~eu ll~nox2 J; :II~l't' "'3"~-~j~$ o~ oaoi p]I 'llOg :Z60H ~uu$~ aoj oenoq ~m o~ aeac omoo 05 ~I no£ pI~ea. ~ff" ' "eoA :NOV£' eq$. 'ean%o~d <no£ uo Xpcqed ~ op ~n 9uT~%sI ~a~ ~q-21uo~ :XDVP
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p ROGRA~I i~19 I~SED SCRIPT #_~RICAN TOB~CC0 COr,~ANY LUCKY STR!KE ~ JACK ~NNY _~HCGP~I ~Ui~DAY, jANUARY i$, 1953 CBS (TRANSCRIBED JAN. ~5~ 1953) 3:00 - 4;30 PM. ~= TK ~7~C I 01~3L@6L~
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THE JAC_~: BENNY FHJJRZ~ SU~AY JANUARY 18, 1953 (Transcribed January !5, 1953) DON; COLLI~S : CHORUS: COLLIRB : CHORUS : C O~INZ : O}[ORUS : DON: -A- TB~ JACK ~I,~Y- PROGRAM . l . T~N~C~ A~D P~--~ESENTED BY L'CC~ S~ ~ . l l (pause) ,.. k'ou l~ow, friends, 9~qoth[[DK - D~, oothing - beats b~tte~ taste! And ~membsr ... L~ck£es tast~ better! ;~e~D~r, fresher, sczootJ~r~ LucF.ies taste better! For L~ck7 Strike means fine boOacco Richer-tasting fi~ tobaccol ~uckies ~aste ~tte~ C~ea e~, fresh, r, su~oothe~. Luck~ gtr~-k~ .,. Lucky Strlke! Friends, I tAink you'll ague *~at smokir~g l~n~ovmen~ depends on ~h~ taste of youz cigarette. Fo~ n oth~ l ~o, DQ~h~ - beats better taste. And Luokles ~aste bette~- cl~a¢~ asd fresher and sr~oo-~he~. You ~ee - Luckles, better taste szart~ with fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco. Rsmember, L$/~ -. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But ~qually imoo~tent, Luckias az~ mad~ h~tter to ~aste better ,.. made round and flr~ and fully ~acked. That's why Luckies draw fr~el~, smok8 evenl~, ~nd give you a cleanc~, fr~she~, smoo~be~ taste. So fl~!ends, ~et the on~ ~hiDg you wa~]t ~ost ~•I~ ~o~r ctga~ett~ .,. better taste.~ On ~our next trip to b~ clgar~tta cou~e,~ bs ~i~p~ -- ~o ~! Ask for a carton of Luclcy Strike. You'll find ... COLLINS: .l,ucktes haste bstte~! OKORUS: Cleaner, freshen, smoow/~er; TK Luci~ Strike ... Lucky Strike !
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(AF~/~R O0~,I~RCIAL, ~.Z!C UP A~[D DOWN) ~t~ LDDKZ STRIKE PROgRAm, ST~ JACK ~?/~-- . .. ~,,~l{ MARY If[V!NGS'i'0NE, ROCHES~R, DENNIS DAY, BOB CRC~BY, AND f~OURS TRULY~r DON WILSON. (APFLAUBE...~CSIO UP ~D DOWN) DON: LADIES ~ND ~TLEMEN LAST NIG}~ JACK N~f~/ GAVE A PARTY AT }~S HOM~ FOR ,~iiS SPONSOR . .. IT ,I$ NOW tqb~ MORNING AF~R~ AND ~ F-~D ROCHE~TER, WZTH ~ ~iD ON !ll$ FRieND ROY~ CLF,~I}~ UP ~ HOU~E, ROOfl: ~// i WAS TOO TIRED LAST N~GHT TO GET AT~ALL ~4ESE DISflES~ RO~. ROY:- ~ here' sure ts a p~le oz them this ~[me. ROC~: WBLL, IT W~.S A P~ETTY BIG k/~AIR . ,, TiE P~SiI~NT D-~ LUCKY STRIiIES WAS OUT }~RE A-~D Sii~ fl~'S LEAVING FOR NEW-f0P/( TODAY, MR. ~ZN'NY GAVE N~t4 A ~AI~NLL PARk~/. NDY: ANal.n? ROGH: YEAH ... EVERY TIMR ~'N SPONSOR OO~S OD~ TO TALK BUSIgNSS~ MR. BENI~ G_T~S KIN A i~ANE)~ PAR~/. ROY:/~/~Wh7 is that? ROCH: TO KEEP T-~ ~PON~_. eROM GMNG HIt_~t~ A FA~I~LL PA~IY ,.. NOW LE~S FI~IS~ THESE DISHES. ROY: ~ ... How ma~7 people wer~ ~ere l~st night? NOCH; ~llB~N. ~OY:~4'~{~'TD~t~s form7 ,.. i o{31~ counted ~i~nteen dinner plafi@s. ROCff: YR. PHIL fL~BRIS }[AS HERE AfCD ~IE,,S NOT A ~00D FL~N ... E~I{ZBODY WAS }~E ,.. ~IR. B~L~TNY'S OAST ... ~]{ITE_RB ... Nb~IC!A~S. TK f~]" X[] 1 0183565
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-2- RO~.~We~e hi~ nei~ibnl, s~ Mr. and ~s. Ronald Colman her~? R00H: NO, THEZ "~E]:~ I~/I~, BC~ T}L~ C0~iDN~T C0~ .. TH~Z BOTH ]~ZD COID$. .~OY:%/~ Isn't that u~usual .. fo~ both of them to heve oolds ~t th8 samm time? ROCH: NO, THEY S~20L~ IN TH~ ~AIN f~%L NiG~ TO GET rEM ... NOW LET'S GO A~ OLE~ UP THE LIVI~ R00~I. ROy: Okay. (SOUND: 00UPLE pOOT~TE~ ... DOOR 0FENS) ROy: Shall ! dust off the piano? ROCK: AND THE P~IN0 PLA~F~R, TOO, HE~S ~_~N Th~--~E STNCE ~W ]~AFZ~A~'~ NOW ~gY, YOU E~F ON W!T~ TP~ DO~T//~G, i~VE G~PTA LOOK FO~ SOMETHING. ROY: Oka~r, ROCH: NOW" IET, ,~ SEE . .. i~2,0UG~ TO BE AROu~] HERE $0~ ... NO, IT~ NOT D~ER~ CHAIR ... IT'S NCT DEH~ TH~ SOFA, EIT~B ... IT'S NO2 IN ANY OF T~ OO~NER$ .... (~0~'YJ: PIANO .~S BE!N~ DiYST~) ROY: There, that takes care of the piano. ROOH: H~M ... IT' S NOT U~DER ~E COFFEE TABLE. ROY: You know, RochesDer, whenever I see ~. Benny he seems ~o dignified ... how is he at a pa~sy? ... Does h~ e~,e~ let his hai~ down? DH R?#4O~ O10:9366
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~6AT DO YOU TF~[< Zq~[ LO~!N~ FOR? ,., WELL, MAIBE WEJLL FIND IT ]~N WE EMPTY_ TkE VAC~CM OLE~J~ER. " // "~Wh~ cooked th~ dinner? ROCH: I D~.- ROY: Who ~'~d it? ROCH: i DID. ROY:~<ho ~n~we~ed th~ doo# when the ~uest8 arrived? RCVO H: I D!/~. ROY:Who ~;nd~d bsz'? ROCH: ][ BID. ROY: Man, you really mus~ hav~ b~en busy. , ROCK: BUSy? . .. i LOOK~D LIK~ 2~N c~3TUPUS IN A EEITTING CONT'E~T, (SOU~: DOOR 0P~] "'~ ~A~,K," " Oo@d morning, Rochester. ]~OOH: &00D MORNING, BOBS. ROY_; Good maiming, M~. Benny. JACK: Oh, hello, Roy/~oob~e~2 0.. ~;~n~t tb~t a ~,~nderful pamty I g~ve last~ r~ighZ? ~CH: t~s S_IR, JACK: I thought the caviar was ~onderfu~ and th~ vlcbysois~e just ~Ignt -- ROCK: 9~4Za~4A~ %/~-/~w JACK: The bsked /neasant under gias~ ~as done to pePfectlon. DH ~'~[ kfO 1 0183367
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~r -4- ROCH: BOSS - - - JACK: ~thought so~ of the g,n~sts prefer.~ed the breas~ul~ea hOWl. ~ j • / " ROOH: BOSS~'~4~S ROY, HE WAS~ T~B DISb~a~. JACK~ Oh ° .. By the ~ay, Rochester, did ~ss Li~i~gst~e c~ll? V. • . .~OCH. ~0~ SIR, JACK: ~m ... abe said sh~ would. ~'m supposed to go ~o ~1 auction with her. JACK: You mean Frauk Remlsy didn~t c~ll up to apologize? ~OCH: NO, SIR. JACK: Hmm ... I ~bo~t that by ~ow h~ ~o~ld ~lsve ~le~ it off and c~ lled ~e. ROCH~MA~E ~IB W~TI~G FCR 7-~I TO APOLOGUE TO HIM . .° ~ER AL~, ;~E DIDN'T WA~ TO !EAVE T~ p~E2Y~ YOU ~L~K HIM GO. OACK:~//~Oe~'t~inly I made ~im go ... if I ~old F~an~ once. I told him a thousand times ..~ It's not funny ~hen he g~bs h~s ~ui~r, Jump~ o~ Don Wil~om~s back and yeils~ ~o~" at me~ ROCH: OE~ IT W~NIT SO BAD. ,TACK: Not only that ... but d%d you evar hear such lyrics to Msdsmoiselle from Ar~n~le~Ba .,. i neve~ heard such --- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: nee who that is, ~,ill y~u, Rochester? ROCH: ~, SIR. (SOUI~: DOOR OPENS AA~O CI~J D~ ~]-NOl 0183368
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0ACK: ROY: JACK: ROY: JACK: ROY: JACK: ROY: JP~K: ROY: JACK: ROY: JACK: ROY: JACK: JACK: T< ~y t21e way, Roy~ i r~ally app~e~[at~ you~ eou~!ng over to help Rocl~ste.~ with th~ clea~]ing. Oh~ ~b~tls all D[~L~ ,., Roclmsta~ts my friend. I know, but I w~nt to giv~ you %21~s money Do show my appl~ec [ation. Well, thank yo1~, Mr. Benny ... Yot: ~ow, l~m out of a job, and itrs hard fop tl¢o people to ~et along oD unemployment insurance. Two p~oDle .., I didnlt know yo~ wez, e married. IIm not, I ~v~ ~9 kesp lending money to Rochester. O~e, I ca~,t understand i[~ ... I pay Rochester a nice saiar~... Wb~t does he do wiILh his money? Well~ &imost every year you ~o to E~gland . ,. and to ce!ebrate~ Rochester throi,~ a little party hez~ which pu~a in debt. ~ ~-~ ~ ,~ ,~ him *J /,t~ ~m~,s . ,~2..~--.~ - . That depends on how long ?/ou stay in England, The .,, party l:~mts for ~wo months? Plus six days [f you come beck b~ boat. Look, R~y -- Next ~ime I~y don't you fly back and jo~n us? (SOUND: r-~30R OP~S) Well, I~ll have to hays ~ talk wibh --Oh Rochester .. ~ho was at ~ns ,~oop? ~F ~'~0 I 0183369
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ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DF~NIS : JACK: DENNIS: JACK: D ~TNI S : JACK: D~[NI$ : -6- IT WAS DENNIS DAY ... 9~'~ W~ITING FOR YOU IN T-~. DM,I. I ~ondeP Whst ho wants. BOSS, I T~I2YK MR. DAY WA~S TO SHOW #ZS _~pRECIATION FOR BRING II'~TI~I~ TO YOUR PAF~Y ... I~'S OARRYLNH A BE~!~IP~fr~Y WRAPP~ £AC~qGR TH#~ LO0~ LIKN A G!~T. '~ell, that's nice ... I~ll go talk bo him. (SOD-~D: DOOR OPED~S & CLCS~ .. FOOTSTEPS SUST#ZN IN B~ Gee~ l wonde~ what Dennis could possibly have brough~ me .,. I alwe27s thought he was a silly kid, e~d vet he's the only member of r~y cast to show his sppreciation ,. (BOUTS: DOOR OPENS) Hello, Mr. Benin% ('/ERYSW~T) HJAIO, Denni~ gee It's nice Of you to come OV@~. Thank you ... l just came by to ~ell you how much i enjcyed your party last nigh o ... I'm glad that you invited me. Woil, you'~ certainly welcome ... NR the way~ De~Gis °, e# .. what have you got in that package? .... 0h, nothing. (COAXING) AW, toms 0~, kid ... donlt be a tesse ... Whatls in the package? Nothing, Now Dennis .. the psckage As gJ/'t w2apped, and it looks so p~t~ ... what's in i57 Nothing. DH P, ]-MO ~ 0183320
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-7 - JACK: All ~_ght, if you don' t went to tell me at least EZV6 me a hint about what's in ~ • ~he pscksge. DEI~I~: Well ,.. iS's sol~e~hing a famous person once woz,e. JACK: PUZzleD) ... Something s f~ous person once wore? ... Look, llm no good at guessing ~mes ... what's in the package? D~NNIS : ~iothing, JACK: Oh yeah, give me thst package, i'm gonna o~en it. DINI~D: Well .., okay~ here. (80U~D: U~RAPPING OF PACKAGE) JACK: ~Tm ... Dennis, this package is empty. DENNIS: i ~mo~;. JACK:~/~Dennis .., ~ ... ~,rny in ths world would you carry £~ound an empty package? DE~.NIS: That wsy when somebody asks ~e -4hat's in i%,i can Zeli~.~e'± truth and ~hili drive them ~luts. JACK: Well3 that's aoout the craziest thing I ~ -- ~lait a minute. You told me that the paeka~ contained something than a fa~nous person once %~,oz~. D~TNI$ : ['hat ' s right, JACK: ~4ho? DENNIS : I~dy Gedive. JACK: ,.Dennis,I. ... D~V~IS: .... ~3hall j try out my son~ now? DH B?HO'J 01833;~7
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JACK: DO aoything ... just du~t talk to me any more ,.. D~mNNIS : ()kay. JAOK: _~at kld drives me nutB. (APPLAO~E) (~ISIS SONG) - "TILL I ~IAL~ ACfA~N "~ITH -TOU") ( APF~O~E ) -8- ~T~O1 01833P2
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-9- ( ~ECOiO ROUTI~ ) D~N~IS: How did yo~ llke Ir~ song~ ~4r. B~nng? JACK: (STANDS AT MIKE AND SAY~ NOIHING) DENNIS: (~/E-ER COU~LE SEC0~S OF SILENCE) •.. Aren't you goin~ to talk to me, M~'. Benny? JACK: I/(00MPI~TE ZILENCE FOR CODPLEr0F SEC0t~3S) I gc~ ~ou ~d/i won't do it again• JACK: CCOM~LETE SILENCE FOR COUPLE OF SECO.~DS) DEN~-IS: Ge~, - was only trying to h~v~ a little --- (SCJ~: DOOR DUZZER o .. SEVERAL F00TS~P5 . .. DOOR Hello, Jack. JACK: MAr~f: 0h hello, Mary ... You'r~ s !Ittls eerly ,,, Some on in, ~o, you comet fo~ a minute, Jack ~.. I wa~t to sho~ you so~thing. JACK: Show me somsthln~? MA~: Teah ... come on. (SOU~D: FOOTSTEPS DOWN CCUPLE OF STAIgs .~ T~ ON SID~J.~jI{ ,~. SUSTAIN] JACK: What is i~ Mary? MARY?~C~m't you see? MACK: (AMAZED) Msry, Mary .. that new ca~ .. i~ it yours? ~%5~: Uh huh. (SOCHD: FOOS~TEPS STOP) JACk: Gosh Mary .,. what a beautiful convertible .. Congratulatlon~ DH R[~<O ! O~833?3
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JACK: MARY: JACK; O"ACK: Y,~.RZ: JACK: MARY: JACK~It cer'~ainly is roomy ~nd -- wait a minute any spare tire. ~[a~Tf.~i*~'~be car didn't come with a spare tire. JACK: Well, of all the ~er~e ,.. ~hat's awful. M~-~: l.~hat do you want me to do, go get my dollar back9 -lO- ~ee ... A c, ar like that costs about five thousand dollars. That's ~i~bt. Wait a minute, Ma~ ... how can you affo~-~ a ca~. like this? Well, ~'ter all, Jack ,, I~ve been working for you for twenty ~-eel, a. I know. SO last ~eek ! went ~o~n to ~b~ bank, drew out all the ~con~y i saved, bought a raffle tick~t and won bhe car. Gosh •,. Ya see, Mar~, I told you, stick with me and 2oufll do okay ... Boy, what a car~ (~OUND: COUPL~ OF FOOfST~PS) L /J Look/~o~" big ZhS luggage compartment is, ~ (ZOUfD: CAR TKJNK OP~ING) • .. ! donlt se~ JACK: No, but nex~ ~ime yuu buy a ~affle ticket, read it ca~'eful]y, ~hat w~y you won't ~t st~ck. ~tA~: Co~ h~re~ Jack~ ~ %~ant to ~how ~o~ ~o~thi~g else. (SOUND: CO~LE OF FOOTSTEPS) ~[A;Ci~d~ok at %hls .,. it's, the latest thing. JACK: What is it? It's an automatic dinner ... when you~ driving along at night, and anothe2 car is coming towards you .. thei~ iighDs hit this llttls ~adget and It automatisally dims ~ou_~ ilg~ts. D~
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-ii- JACK: ThatJs not bo .~w ..~ i~ve got the ~ame thing° ~[AA~y: J~Ok . o. It~ s nOt %hs same thing, JACK: ~at? ~K~RY: When anothe~ c-~a, passes your Max~e]1, the ~Ind ~lows your lights out. JACK: it do~s not ... N~w~me~rr. le~'s go in the ho~s8 and then we'll go co tbe~auctlon ... c~y ~ry, wha~ is it you re so anxious to bid on over there? MARY: Nothing in partleula~, hut sometinms you can pick up ~ome ve~ nice antiqueB. J~CK: Oh ,. well, let's go in and II!! get ~ coat. C~ (sOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON ~EMEN~) JACK: Oh look, Mary ° °. there _~vlr: and Mrs. Colman out on the pOrCh .°, and Sherwood th~Im.,buv~er ~s serving them tea. MARY: Oh yes. JACK: I~LL% RON~IR. JACK: I~Z L~0, BE[[~TAo MEL: ( LiQ}~'ER 5NEgZg/) JACK: ~LLO, S~¢0C©. gAG-K: I don'~ know !~hy he 98d to ~-~toh ~ cold, ho wasn't Oven invited ... Let's get in the ho~o. (SOL~ID: DOOR 0PE}i% & CL0~ES) JACK: MarY~ when wo get %o that auc%ior~ I~m ~ --- D~NIZ :~Hello, Ma~y. DH ~Tr 240 ~ O18S325
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-12 - ~'ou didn't te]l me MA~f: (SURPPZS~) 0% heilc, Dennis ... Jack~ Den.~!8 w~s h~re. JACK: (SONN) I know, I .kno~. D~N~S: He's not ~peaki~g ta me. MARY: Why, D~n~is .,. what did you do thi~ time? JACK: (Y~D) I'll ~i! you what this silly kid did, Mary .. He oo~s over here with a ~a~kage tlader his arm that loo~s like present ~o~ ~ ~.. im~kes ~ Waste ~ %~e ~ues~i~ ~h~tr 8 ~n it ... the~ whe~ ~ o~e.ns it~ ~-t18 ~mpty. DENNIS: (D(~ SILLY I,~UGH) JACK: Denn±s, shut ~p! DENNIS: Gee, Mr, Bennyj I'm sorry _~ made 2ou mad. JACK: ( $1T~CE ) JACK: .... ( ~ ~-~CE ) JAmi:__ (SZLE~C~ ig DENNIS: Well~ I guess itrs no ~se :~:.. I bettez~ go ... Goodbye, Mere. ~,a~Y : Goodbye ~ Denmis. DFJ{NIS: Goodbye, Mr. Benn2. JACK: Goodbye, that iTII sey to you . .. No~ go already. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) MARY: Oh say, Denn±s . .. DH RT~OI 018332b
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13- MAR"Z: ,~" I want you to offer my congratulations to your brothel, ... i z, ead in the paper that he's going Lo marry Ann Biythe. Y MARY: But De_~uis . .. there's one ~hlng ! son t understand ... Your b~other's name i-~ McNulty .. ~nd your name is l~y ... ~y ~ bhat? DEI~IIS: Vell, you Paq¢~ how it is, ~ry . ,. ~'nen you get lute professional life, sometimes you cl~nge your name. ~RY: Oh .... so you changed yours? DENNIS: No, he chased his, he dfdn't ~ant people to know i'm his brother. J~OK: You see, Ma~y .... i~ pays nob to talk to him. ~ARY: (I~UGHING) Oh, stop, Jack ,~/. Tell me, Dennis, when's the w~ddLug? DE~IS: in a couple of months .... Everybody's gor~ua be invited ... It's going ~o be 8, big ~edd~ with ushers ,~,nd brides~Ids and everything~ ,]C FiT~gO 1 01 8 2, 5h"P
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-l]~ - M%RY: JACK: ~&CK: J~CK: '~1o's going to be the best ~n? D~IS : My mother. JACK: ! h&dda talk to him, I l~Sd~ t~%ik to h~n.~ MARY ~'Iz ~D~'~z~is ,~yo ~ b e t t er go ..... D~I8: Okay, goodbye. (SOUND: DOOR SZAgLS) JACK: I just c~n~t figure that kid ,:put .... irel~r~d, itse'__~, is a, lovely place . .... i don~t hnow ~'ny i ~vited h~ to my ~*'ty anyway. Oh, by the way, ,Tack, why wasn't Bob Crosby here last night? Oh Bob .... Ke's zt-~xiug a personal appearance at the ?~b~ra Hotel in Las Vegas ,.. Gee, i hope he calls n~o ge~ve him a qua.~ter to put in th~ slot m~ch~ne for me. l'll~ probably helm f~om him. • ~> . - / • /? ~ - ¢ JC R T;'<O 1 01833 ;"8
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x~ -14- Yes, Rccheste=~? n T~ WD~ A PH0~ CAIL P0R YOU ~@~i~ YOU WE~ ,_~S~DE. STUD!O "A" AT' C.B.S. Okay, I will ~ .. Exx¢ suse ~l~, MazSr. " -~ .~" ~ "Jt<~ ~.~- I- .... --~,C, ~..-- -. DIAJ~LTN~ SIX TI~ .. T}V~ WE }~AR ONE TYPE O~I RINGING ... ~'ADING TO AN~-~R B%~ZZ,.. ~CEZgZR UF) He]lo, C.~,~., The Sta~s address. ~ACK://~. Hello. Gertrade, t~is i~ Jack Benn~ ... Will ~ou please ~ng Studio A foz, Ine? B~A: It's busy :'d~/si: bOW, will you hold on? JACK: Okay. ~EA:~a~ , Mable. ~A~.: Wh~t is it, Ge~t~ud~? BEA: , Iti ~ Jsck Bsnny, on the line. BARA.~ W~at ~ ~h~ $hmo~ of F~ill~manj~ro want.lno~? # BEA: He ~lants I should ~et him Studio ~., hut It's busy. JACK: SARA: BEA : You kq]ow, (}e~trude~ ~ havsnlb seen Jackle s~.noe I was out with him and M~. ~d Mrs. Ji~m~y ~tewart o~ N~w Yeasts Eve. Yesh . .. but I donlt know ~hy he book you out instead of !he .. Afte~ all~ he know~ ~e lon~e~. D~ ~ I-,~O 1 018332S
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you? BF~%: B~IA : -i5 right .. you know him before you came to C.B.5. didn't CerzainlF .. I met hlm years ago at Ci!~3's. Ciro's? Were ~ou th8 c~garette ~Iz,l~ NO, ! was parking ca~ ... Believe mej Mable, you and Jack made s lovely couple New Years ... Only you should wea~ ~3ur hair l~o~e han~ing down., not piled ~ip on top of your b~ad. s A~A%Jz~Uahy? Well, ~ith ~ es~ I~ looks like you're ~aving at $fh~A: Look whets Za!kdn~ ,,, i ~e~ember o~oe at a masquerade party you painted a face Q~ each of you# ears and came as the Andrew Sisters .,. Anyway, I think yourme Jus~ jealous because Jack took ~ out on New yearrs Eve. BE&: %fny should I be jealous? ... I was with that bi~ handsome football player, $AP~: Oh, yeah ... You know, ~e~t~ude ... I was klmda ~u~rised ~c fiDd out that he was still in ~ligh soboo!. p,~%: So was I. SARA: He~s old enou[h %o go to qol!ege, sirITt he? ~EA: He must be, he~s got a ~on at U°C.L.A. JACK: Gertrude .. Gertrude ... ~EA: Just a minute, Mr. Benny, ~ oan ge~ ~ou Studio A now. (BOUND: PLU~ IN ,. BUZZING ~. ~C~IVER UP) DO~; Hello? DH R] ~01 0"~833B0
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16- BEA: Just a second, Mr. Wilson . .. Mr. Benny is calling you. ~oOOZ~D: pLUG il~) B~: Go ahead, b~. Benny. JACK: 14ello ... Don? DON: Ye s, ,Tack. JACK: Don, did you call me before? DON: Yes ... i~m here with the Sportsmen Quartet and ~e're _~el~a~sing ,~ number tbzt might he vez~, good fol, ~our television show ~zext Sunday. JACK: What did you ~ayj Don? DON: (LODDER) ~ said welre rehear~i~x a numbe~tb_gt~_ht be v, ood on 7oI~r teiev~s~on sho~ next ~- JACK: "~qqat was tb%t, Don? DON: (WHISPerS) Hey, fellows, ~£ think the o]d ~2/u is gettiD~ a little hard of hea-~Irig. JACK: I heard that, Don Wilson, and don~t call me ~n old ~n.. • ~ow wDmtTs bhe ns~e of the nun*be~ you said ~ould be good on ~y television show next gund~y? to it? JACK: Ove~ the ~hone ? DON: 3ure .. at least ~ou can get an idea of it. ~9 T2ffO 1 01~933~J 1
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JAC~(: Ifell, do you D~ve a/ly musicsl gcocmp~Iment there? DON: Yes, Remleyts still on inF back. JACK: Good, good . .. bet's hsa~ the number. BEA : Oh, Mr. BeD~y. JACK: W~t is it~ C-ertrude? BEA : Exouse me for !istenlr4 in, but our switc1$oamd is So busy, can't you hea~ the song some othe~ time? i~CK: This wo~t t~ke long. ~.: BUT the~e ars so ~r~y calls c, oming through ~%~d we don't JAOK is will oni[ taks a few seconds ... Don, ~e]l tb~ boys I • ~s~nt to heal~ ths n~mber, DOIV: Okgy .. Take it, fellOWs, ( QUARTET STARTS CO~ERCL~L ) EM ~T~O't r31833B2
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(~o) Q/OAHT: MARTY: Q~fART: -18- SHINE LITT~ GLOW WOPM, GL17~MER, CLLMMER SHINE I~T~ GLOW WORM, GLI~MER~ GL~ LEAD US IZST TOO FAR WE WANDER L~VE'S SWk~Y VOICE ZB CALLinG YONf~R SIilNE If[ TLE GL0 ~¢0RM~ GLIMMF~R, GIZ~V~4AR L~gq~ T-~ PATH BELOW ~.~O~ AND LEAD US ON TO ~,OVE. GLOW LIT~E LUCKY LINE A BEACON YOU ARE THE SMOKE THAT N~E B~ S~N' NZG~ AND ~y IT'S YOU WE'RE PUFFIN) ONLY YOU '0AUSE TH~.~ I~ NOT~[IN' QUITE LIKE A LUCKY, NOTHING TRI/®~R GLOW LITTLE LUOKY~ GLII,~R GLYN~ LUOKZES TASTE MUCH £~T~ER IT'S TR, NE YES, IUCKY'S THE SMOKE FOR YOU. (MONE) !. R1NO'I 0183383
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9UART : LSS, LGS ~, TEE HEE LSS, i.SS ~T~ £h%}~ L~S, I~SS HEE ~IE LSS, MFF, I~S, ~,~ LS$, I~FF~ i~SS, MFT~F LS, LS, LB, LS~ ITrS I~SS~j L~B, LSS F~, T~ ~ LSS, LS~ TEE F~E TEE HEN ~ I~ ISSS, I~SS, ~<~F LSS, MFF, I~S, ~[~FF LS, LS, I~, LS. MFT IT'S I~BS~9~T • -19- ix sT" TIiE LI~ ~qoW. ° .WTLL YOU T~L T~I TO STOP? JACK: IT'LL O-~Y BE~ A FEW SECO~[DS. ~_PA: BUT WE N~ T~E LI[CE. TO OET N~4 YOP~. l DONiT CA-~ W~O-- PAL~/? • • .BOYS. • ,BOYS • • *YOU B~TT~ STOP NC'~¢... BOYS, ii~. PAL~ WANTS TO "L~ T~ PHON~. • .BOY~, HDLD IT...BOYS...WA2Y A MINUTE. ~A : "WAIT A 141~TJTE ~RA: WAlT A MIN0~E JACK, B~C~A AND SARA: WA__I_T & ~ll!!~!~, RT~01 0~8338~
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~.__ .......................... ( TI£1Z{D ROL~iNE ) _~ARy : JACK: -20- Jack, w_hat happened? The quartet wented ~e to beer the song &nd Mr. Pa!ey ~¢as t-~yi~g to get on the phone ... it w~s a whole clambake. MARY: Well, come on, Jack, let~ go. The suction starts at two-thirty sharp. JACK: Okay ... Let'~ get going. (TRANSITION !~USIC ) ( S 0TJITD : CR0%gD NOISES) JACK: Gee, Ma~/~ they sure ~eela to hsve s load of jlnlk in these auction galleries ~ / MARY: Jack, itTs not jtunk..most of these 5h~gs are vsiuable ant!cues thstrs why so many people are here to bid on them~ b~L: (SLIQBTLY MOOT~) Can I show you folk~ :~ro~m~d..you still have s few minutes before the a~tto3n starts. M~RY: Yes, i wish you would, but..but you don~t sound like tD~ type of person I'd e~xpect to find web, king here. MEL: Dub, you're right, lsdy..I'm just here takin~ n~ brother's place ... He's not b~re on account of Jur~j Duty. JACK: Oh, ~our brothe~'s on a jury. MEL: No, the jury did i~s duty and gave him twenty years. JACK: H~. MARY: ~jTell me, clerk..whst are all these rings in this gisss case? NEL: Oh, dem r~s...Well, they all figured in great romances ~_~ history__" one in the cente~ is the ~ing Ma~k Anthony gave to C3eonette ~ when they got engaged. _MARX. y* What ~the inscription on -t: ES RI"~O1 0183385
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JACK: MEL: JACK: FAKf: JACK: MEL: JACK: h-f: BEA: JACK: (SOU~: SCUFfiNG OF SEAT~ ... ETC.) MA~v~-~Let ~s sit here~ Jack. JACK: Okay. (SOUND: RAPPING OF GAVEL) NOW, THE FIRST ITEM ON THE AGEQDA IS q3~S [J~IQUE !~4BRELLA :ST&QD MADE OI~ 0F 'I~4E LEG OF THR FAVORITE ELEpNANT OF THE (SOUND: ~PPING OF GAVEL) NOI~r "~HO WILL OPEN ~HE BIDDING ON T~S PRICEL~S3 CURIO? (AS OLE L~DY) I~ll bid a hundred dollars, :Aha~d~s it mea~ fn Eoglish? "OH YOU }T£D". Gosh~ imagine ~hat. Say, whatls %b_is Decul~ar looking thing? Oh, that,s a very !oterestL~g piece of art .., It's an umbre!l~ stand l~ade out of an elephant,s leg. Well~ ~hst,s the !~ost ~idlculo~s thing I ever heard of . .. %q~o Io the wo~id ,,~ould want an ~lepBaot leg? A three-legged elephant. ~fsl!, yo~'!! find very few of them bidding fo~ it today ... A~ elephant leg ... ~hat~s without s douot the most ~seless ~hing I ~er heard of. (SOUND: RAPPING OF GAVEL) AT~TION, FLE,~E ... AT~_~Nq~O}[. (BOOZED: P~APPING OF ~AV~L) IC£LL YOU ALL PLEASE FIND BEATS., .~}IE AUCTION IS ABOUT TO ~GIN. (~ISPERING) Mal~, did you hea~ thet ,.. how could anyon~bld,~/" a hundred dollars on ffaat piece of jumk. F~T;~fO'I 0]83386
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-22- ¥-~Ry: Jsck, you donI¢ like it, but som~ peoole do..Now keep quiet. (SOUND: R~PPT~G OF U~VEL} i HAVE A HUNDRED D01LARS. DO I ~{EAR MORE? A H~v~RED AND TE~. (I[HISPERING) A hur~rcd snd ten..thatls stn mld. All right, sll ~ight~..By the wsy, Jhck, I meant to tell you, I ran into BOb %]ope 188t night. A ~INDRED AI~ TEM, ~. HL~'~RED AND ~EN~ E ~DN~RED AND TS~..DO Z IEZAR MORE? JACK: Bob Hop~o .How is he? ~IARY~Fiue, but he seemed s little upset that you havenrt merit h~ his check fo~ appearin~ or~ you~ progrsm last wee~. R~BIN: JACK: ~RY: T{~: JACK: HY: BEA: JACK: RUBIN : MARY : JACK: MARY: JACK: ES ~t, Msry -- A HIINDR3~ AI~ ~N, A H~ AND %~N~ DO I ~R MOFE? A }UONEgZ~] A~O FIF~IglF~{. But M~y~ I wssn't supposed to p~y Hope fo~ appea~ing on ~y show. -~e ~ch~nged ~uest ~hot~. A HUI~77R~D AND FIFT~ IS B~)° .A HUNDRED AND FI~N IS BID.. DO I ~mA_R MO~E? A ~UNDYtED AND ~<E~_~Y DOLLARS. W~ll, Jack~ ~ob didn't ~der~and it that w~y. Me thought he w~ ~o~ng to be paid hi~ regular guest fe~ fo~ going on I~M BID A IiUNDPd~ Ah~ _~ ~fY_ FOR TN~S ELEPHANT'S !D~}..A HUNDRED AND .~TY..A HUh~F~ A~D TWENTY..D0 I ~A_R MORE? ~ll ~ry~ wh~t i~ Bob Ko~e's regular ~u~st fee~ ~n%v~y? Five thousand doll~r~. FIVE THOUSAND DOLIARS:
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-23- S0iD TO THE MAN ~£C JK~T BID FIVE TKCE~ATID DOLLARS. I~Y: CONGRATULATIONS, SIR..HERE'S YCi~ ELEPKAh~T LEG..MAy i HAVE yODi~ ¢~ECK~ pLeASE? JACK: ~Z?..,I DIDN'T BXD ON q~TAT..I ~0LT~DNTT PAY FI%~E THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR AN EIEPF~h~Tr$ LEG, WOULD Z, MARY? MARY: YOU WOULDNIT P~Y FIg~ ~0USAND D0~;ARS FOR Y0[~ <~4N LEG. .TACK: yOUrF~ DARg.~ RIGHT Z WO57JOHIT ,..C~,~, 0N, L~TIS GET 0[72 E~~ HERE. (APPLAUSE AIleD PIIKO~) "4 ES ~1~0'~ O783388
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-24 - JAC~Lt Ladies and gen~le~l,en, the natlonea fight against InI'anti!~ Paraly~i~on~huue8 ~elentleasl~-. The Ma~ch of Dimes has mede this poaslble] but.your contributions ~st keep rolling in, in order to continue ~he f~ght ~gainst Polio. ptease s~nd your dime~ and doila~s to vou~ loc~l Ma~ch of Dime~ h~adqu~u~tors now. Jo~n the March of O~.~es. Thar~ you. DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first a word to cigszotte smoker,s ..... ~gthln~ - :.-~, nothlnK - beats b~hter taste.~ And ~emembe_~ -- ES ~gJNOl 018338£
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TRE JACK BEN~Z pROGRAM . -B- enDAY, ,m~Y 18, !953 (~scR~ JA~F~ARY Z5, !99]) -" 0 I_,OS l~g~ C OI~£~[CTmL C OLLI~IS : CI£ORDB : C C~JI~}'IS : C?£ORD~ : Luokies taste better2 C!eare~, fresh~r, ~moother~ ~,ckies taste bebter~ COILZNS: CHORDS: DON: SPO]~TS~N Cle,~r, fresher, smoothez,.~ Lucky Strike ~eane fiD~ tobacco Richer-tastln~ ff~ tobacco~ Luckles taste better.; Cles~e.~ fre~h~x,~ smoother,f Lucky Strike ... Luo~~ Str~ke: Vrisnds, it stands to z~ason. The ciKerette for y~/ to smoke is the che that tastes bette~ because %~hen all is zald end do~, nethin~ - [lo{ nothln~ - beets better taste. And Luckles taste bett~r .,. cleaner, fretting, 8p~ smoother. Youlll agree, once you try them~ and b~re's ~hy - Luckie~' better taste ~eally b~ w~th fi~m tobacco. Most ~n)~c~e can tell you - i$/~T - Lucky StDike ~e~ns f~e tobacco .~. f~ms, light, natu~'aily mild tobacco '~th a ,~onderfu! aro~m end even better testa. And Luokles also taste better because tbey~e ~e better. They're round ~nd fi~m 8nd fully pecked, to draw ~r_el~ an~ smoke even!~ - to give you a cles~e~ fresher~ smoother svmke. So get the better taste that fID~ tobacco in e be~e~,-m~ae c_gs~etue can give. ~nen you buy cigarettea, ask for 8 carton of Luokv ~tri~ QUA~ffS-T : Be 2~ppy -- go Lucky (]~t better taste tcdsy.~ (LON~ CLOSE) ES ~, 7" ,'~0 1 0783390
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( AO) ROCH: jAR<: RCCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: (APPLAUSE DON: (SOTIN~: DCOR 0~) OH BOSS, YOU'_R~BACK. Ye% I~m be~k~ ltm back. WHATIS I}L&T I{0UIPd~ CA.RHYING? An elephant i~g~.l got stuck -~ith it at the auction..I o finally bed to-~ive the msn s htundred an~ thirty dollar~ for it... Here. BOSS~ WHAT DO YOU WANT ~ TO DO W!T~ IT? I~/t it on and kick ~..Goodni~ht~ ~'_9]ks --- Not so ~oon... Goodnight, eye.body. TD~ Jack Benmy program is wri:ten by $am Perrin~ Milt Josefsbe:'~ Geo~g~ B~lz:~ Job/l Taoksber~ a~ pro~uosd and transcribed b:Hilli~rd M:rks. The Jack Benny Show is brought to 7ou b7 ~uc~ Strike, product of the ~ericsn Tobsoco Co~psny, AmerlcaVs iesd~l~ manufacturer of cigarettes. ¢9 T :w,O 1 018339]
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PR~-~RAM #20 P~VIS~ SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBACCO COMi°ANY LUOK~ STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY~ JANUARY 251 i9~3 CBS (LFRAt%~CRIBFm JAN. 22, 1953) :00 ,- 4:30 PM PST ES R~MO1 0183392
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THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM OPENING:)O[~/~ROIA L DON: THE JACK ~fi~g~[Z HEOGPJnM...TRANSCP~BED AND PR~E~r~D BY ZH JInX ~fEIHE ' You know, f-~iends ... notNing -- n% hOt,In& - beat8 better taste: And remember... COLLI~: LucY&es taste b~$te~,] CHORUS: aleaner, f~e~her, smootho~l DOLLINg: finches taat~ bette2: ~ORUS: ~leaner, freghe~, smother: For Lucky Strike means fine ~obacco Richer-ta~ir~g lime tCoacco~. COLLINS: Luckies taste bette~l C}IO~OS: gle~nsr, f~esher, smootherl Lucky St~_k~ .,. Lucky Strike: DON: This is Don Wilson wi~h an i~po_r~nt Word fop you oig&rett~ smoke~s, k ~ea~ ~ word, s~lle, d t-a-s-t-e ,., the v~y basis of your smoking enaoyment. Yes, for .~al dee~IdOWn ~moklng enjoyment, nothing - no, _~t~n - beat~ better 5asbe. And Luckles taste be~ter -- cieaner and freshe~ and smoother. The famous ~ .$tmlke taste begins with the fine, light, mild tobaoco tb~t g,~oe~ into every single Lucky. You Imow, ~/~T - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, s,nd the t~ue ~ich taste of ti~t fine tobacco comss t~ough to ~ because Luckies sine made bettem ... made round and firm ~nd fully Racked, to draw freely and smoke evenly, to f~lends, get t>m bette~ taste that spells teenier smomiug enaoyment. Be happy -- go Lucky - Make youa, n~xt ca~ton Luck~ 5t~ike: BB ~T~O 1 0~89393
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~'i~E JACK /~K.~/ PROGRAM CHORUS: ~JSIC: DON: J_~@2z, 1953) Luc~es taste bette~ Cleaner, fresher, smoother~ Luc~ Strike ... Luck~ Strike~ (PROGF~M T~ UP AND DOWN) The Lucky Strike pro&~am starrinG ....
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(FIRST ROUTINE) -1- DON: THE IDO~X ~F~EE PROG~M, ~E~d~XNG JACK ~..WITH ~I%RY I~N~ST0~, ROCq~EST~, ~VIS ~Y, AND "yOURS T~IY" DON WIL%0~. (APPIAUSE..~SIC UP A~ D~) DON: lADIES AKD O~N~LEMEN ..... I~Z~DIA~ Ag~ THIS PdkDZO FROGEAM, JA6~ ~NNY "WILL DO HIS PJ~JL~R MONTP~ff T.V. SH~W OVH~ THE CoB.S. T~SION N~X~fWORK...~TT FIRST I~'S GO BACK TO I~ TI~RS~Y...IT IS LATE MORi~I~] AT JACK~ S I{0~ IN B~-~Y HILL~. (SOTND: ~i~ A FEW SECONDS 0F SIIi~¢~, I~ IIF~R TI~ PZONE PzINC-... PAUSE... P<T?$GS AGAZN.. ~ ~/~7~ UP) JACK: Hello? ...... The telephone co~pan~?., ..you w~nt to install a phone hePe this e~te~noon? ...... ~e ~ou s~e you ~ve the ~ight address? ...... Yes, thIB is 366 North Camden D~ive, but the~e ~m~st be some ~stake. .. .. Oh, the ~bmne is for Rochester Van Jones ..... -~..well, let me find out about it and<~ca-~'~ you iack...C~odhye. (souND: NEc~v~ 9o~) JACK: Hmmm...I wonde~ why.,..0K, ROCHE~...ROONEST~. (s~ND: DOOR o~s) ROCK: ~D ~OU WAh~ _ME, BOSS? JACK: yes, ~e~r-~s the phone company ealling..What'~ this about you ordering s, phone in your name? ROCK: ~KKZL..I FIGU~ THAT IT WOUI~D ~E MC~ ~Oh~NIENI IF WE HAD TWO Pf40_N~ IN T~ K6~JSE. JACK: But that's silly....my pD~n~ sl~uld be enough...I talk on it very little, ~n~you can use it whenever you w~nt to. BB f'~T>~ol 018;7;995
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-2- ROCH: I KNOW...BUT I 'I~KOUGHT IT ~GHT BE A GOOD I~A TO F-~.VE ANOTHER PHO~ IN CASE OF FS~RGE~CIES. JACK: But why?.. ,suppose there is ~n emergency~.n~ phone ~a hesa. ROCH: ~, BUT SUPPO~ ~ HOUSE IS B[TRNING DOWN AND ! K&VENIT GOT A~ CHANGE. JACK: Gee, I never thought of that. ROCH: AND BESIDES, TILL BE USIng3 THE PHONE A LC~P ~[ROM NOW ON.. IT'S THE ONLy WAY I'LL BE ABLE TO TALE TO MY GIRL FR~Z~D, SUSIE. JACK: Why..whet's wro~g? ROCH: ~]~LL..HER FAT~ SEENf5 TO ~AVE T~-KEN A DISLIIKE TO ME. JACK: But I thought you always got along so well with her family.. whst h~ppened ? ROCH: TBZ OTHER NIGHT SUSIE AND I W~RE S!TTI~ IN ~ DARK ON SOFA I~-~ R~. WATCHI~ ~.~LEVISION WHEN ~ FATHER CA~ IN AND KE GOT AW~ MAD. JACK~ ~ay should that ma~e him mad? KOCH: 'I~ AIN'T COT A T~LEVISIOK SET. JACK: Oh, oh, oh.. S~y, look what t~me it is .. i'm going out to the rsce track today and MisB Livingstone isn't here yet. ROCH: BOSS, YOU'~ GOT PLENTY 0~ TIME, THE FLRST ~At~ DOESN'T GO ON TILL ON~ OICLOCK. JACK: I ~ow..but I go to the races so seldom ! don't wsnt to be ~s~es~7 What 8 s~r~ise bh~ w&s- ES RT~01 0783395
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JAG _Fz:-." ~ certainly dldn ' t. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZSh) JACK: ~,T~hat must be MiSs LivlngsDone....COMING, COMING. (SOUND: COUPi~ FOOTSTEPS..DOOR 0PShS) MARY: Hello, Jack. JACK: Mary, you'~e fats. MARY: l'm sorry~ Jack. I ~a8 leaving the house ~hen I got a long distanse call from Mama and Papa. / , JACK:~'A phone call ~rom your Mother and Fathe~~. .{f/r~t 4~14c the and ~he Beautiful h~ve to ~ay? MARY: Well, Mama said that Cousin $y'lvia eloped last night. JACK: MARY: JACK: JACK: M~2Y:~ JACK: JACK: MJkRY: Bad Sylvia...Married...Gosh> ic ~eems like only last spmmer ~ I It ~a__s last su~e~, she~s a midget, 0h~ oh..So she got married, ~h? Yes~ she married a man six feet t~o. No !ddlng? Little Sylvia? Bu~ a ~erv4blo thing happened. Ri~t ~fter the ceremony, as theF turned to go back up the aisle, she took one step and broke her leg. How? (LAUGHINGLY) She forgot s~m was ~tanding on a box. Oh, Uhat's a~ful. That must're seen a sad ~edilng. (SINGS) ~ MOTHERWAG CRYING..~FAT_~WAS CRYING.. AND i --- BB ~] r,'~o 1 018339P
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JACK: MARy: JACK: MARy: J~CK: JACK: MARy: JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: MARY: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JAOK: DENNIS: -4- ~,et ...NOW All 1~ight, all ~i~ht...I h~d to a~kher no~, ~ . com~ on, Msmy, let's go to the l,~ces..I've got ~ hot tip in the sixth race. •.A ho~se n~med 0um Fancy. ~NO 9 Our ~ .~. yeah..and I hope I win, I can sure use the money. Why, you,ve never, used any before. M~y, stop th~.~.~ome on; let's get @ping. Wait a minute, Jack..!sn't 7~nnIs going with us? Certsinly. Well, %,hat a-~e we supposed to d% pick him up? i~o, no..he.s here..he-,~a~ea~Ly~ ~nd ~_m~ke sure (SJJND: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) That'~ funny...he was here....~EN~NIS...DE~S...W~5~E ~ yCJ? O WELL, COME ON, MARYIB SUK~E A.~D ~'RE p~DY TO GO. ( OFF ) O~Y. (SCUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS) Hello, Mary. z[el!o, Den~nls. Dennis, we,re all ~eady to -- Dennis, whet~s that you,ve got on your head? A sandwich. A sand%rlch on your head? yeah, everybody in Washiu~ton Is w~rlng them. Dennis, that, s Hombe~g, not hamburg....Now t~ke it off. Okay. f3T,%'c ~ 0783398
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3 -5- JACK: ~-i~%~s-~e~..Oh, my goodness...Herc I am all~ ~et ~ 4o go to the ~acos and I haven.t got any money...I better bo down to my vault and get some..Irll be back in ~ f~w minutss. ~aY7-, Jack... ~ ~s~ll~ have-not same~m~n gu~rding~youm ~ult? MABy~. Ge%-I'd llke to see b~m ~ometime. RT~O! 0"18339~
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-6- J~C~. .... Z~n-~oT-~y~ .~ry~ but-ln ~gl ~he ~@~r5 he~s be~n down (SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR 0PENB ... ST2,PB GOI~ DOWN ... TAKING ON HOLLOW SOUND) JACK: Hm ~.. The ~,sln must be le~klng in somewhere, the mo~t i~ so lull ... @C~JI~E ~OI~-FOOTSTEP~ $.. ~TI~N ON WOOI~N BRIDGE .~ ; TREq~ !q2 ~%ODS~SPL48PZ~ jA~r ----~ST~_~: v~the~s~y~foblng uo~±th tha~ znoc~_~_An~a~ ~ ~f~ald_they~-ge ~ ..... (SOUND: FOOTZTSPS O~F BRIDGE...FOOTSTSPS STOP... E2TTLE OF CHAINS...HANDLE ~GRNS...IRON DOOR CRF~ OPEN...F~ FOOTSTETS.. o.HEAlZJ~ER P~2TLE 0~ CHAINS...HANDI~ TURIn...BRAVE IRON DOOR CREAKS 0P~NI..COUPI~ FOOTST~PS AND ~TOP) KEARNS: Hslt, who goes there, fmiend or foe? JACK: Friend. ~ARNS: What's the ~ssword? JACK: Foe. EF~S: Oh, It's you, ~. Benny. JACK: That,s rig~% Ed...Glad to sse you're looking so well. E~S: T~mnk ~ou...how a~s thi~s on ~he oustide world? JM
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JACK:~ EEARNS: JACK: JACK: I(EARNS: JACE: JACK: KEARNY: JACK: JACK: -7- Pretty exc!~iug right no~_.~,Te just insugursted p-~esldeut. A...new president? YeS. Gosh, i can still ~leme~oe~ tbs Words of the ]sst om~... Four Score and seven years sgo our fathers brought forth upon this continent ~ new-- J No, n0, E~. we've hod nmny presidents since ther~- ~-~-~-/ Y By the wsy, Ed~ have I wished you a Mer~y Christmas? Yes, end 7 want to thsuk you fo~ the Christmas present... It wss jus~ whst I w~tcd...~ c~e~a...Toll doilft k~low how much I enjoy ~t. But Ed, it's So d~-~k do,In bere...l c~n't understand why you'd want ~ caners...you can't tmke pictures. I kr~ow, bu~ the click breaks the monotony. Oh. On New Tes~s Eve I took s double expo~/~e. At midnight? Who knows? Well, excuse me, Ed...I've got to get some money... I'm goins to oR-e~% the ssfe.
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J -8- J¢CK: No no, Ed..j~st "~n erqumd...Now let's see,.the combln~tion is..Right to fio~tT-five,. (LZGHT ~JPNI~G SOUND)...Left to sixty. . (LIGHT TUR~ S0UND)...BaCk to fifteen.., (LIGAT TORNI~ SOUND)..,Then left to ono-ten.. ( LIGHT 5URNING SOUND ) °.. ". ~here. (BOU~D: HA~;LE ~JRNS..DOOR 0PEN~ AND ~ ~&E WHISTI~S~ ~EI~j GONGS, HO~, ETC., JACK'~ 11~ t~ke~fM'ty dollars...~t~l! be enoz~h...W~il, llve got to be golr~ mlong now. So long, Ed. I~iRNS: Good bye, Mr. B~nr~v, JACK: Oh, I ~Imost forgot...~, since this is ~ New Year, I brought yo~ this ~ril3n Monroe Cslenda~...Here. ~RI~; Thsnks...Gee~ ~he colors are nlce~ h~t ~18~ is i~? JACK: ~811...I'll explsin it to you some other time, F~... ~(EJiRN5: Okay. JACK: Good bye, ~@. ED: Good bye, M~, Benny, ($0U~D: ~ F00TS~PS) JACK: Gee~ [ dldn~t ~ve ~he hesrt to tell hlm~ but he ~9/ng it upside down...Oh %fell, i better hur~. ~: FOC~STEP3..DOOR OPEICS) JACK: 0~y~'T'm ~eady..].etls ~o. ROCN: OH ~. ~E~%~/, ~£~II~ YOU ~E DOWN IN _~ VAD~LT ~ CoB.S. 2UBIJOITY ~PART~ OA~.._~ WA~WA K~O'~: WHAT KIND OF TEIm'~qISION SHOW YOU'RE ~OIi~} TO DO THIS TIME. JM 0'~B34-02
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-9- JACK: Oh d~n.~ow Itll b~ve to call lem back. ROCH: NO~ yOU DONrTj ~. B~q~-..I TO~ IEM THAT yC[T ]~ DOING A l~Y 3LASSY SHOW..W~TK A SIk~fY _~IE6~ S~{ONY OR~TRA. M~RY: A sy~hony orchessra, Jack? JACK: Yos.~tt!l be wQ~demful...I even t~led to get ~ world fa~us !;lanis t ~ ~Bublnsteln. mY: oh, he d be a- e t. DE~S: geah, he'$ almost a~ good a~ Liberace. ~g~-BoohesteP~-whi~6~I~m~e to-~h~es; ~e ~K:- -YEST~SIR. MAYX+.----Jaek%~u-us~ a ~elescoDe N w~tch %l~e .ho~es? NO~O~WATGH-~. ~WHEN ~ J~A~ES T9~ I~VJSE~ HE ~N~S TO JAOK: N~ve~ ~d..)]ow echo on, ~ilds~ letls ~oo,DeD~n&s~ wb~9~,~Is youP !~e,t ? D~NIS: I ate it." JACK: i don't mean th~t...All ~Ight, ~ds, II!l be recdy in a ~si~ut e. DENNIS~Mr. B~nn~, don,t you w~nt to hesm the song i'm goir~% to do on the pro~am? JACK: You listen to it, M~y, while I ~et the cay out of the garage. BB ~T~07 OIB3&03
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-gA- D~NIS: MP. Benny, while 7oulre d~iviD~ ou% there, o&n Z ~wan ~slong side of your car? " JACK: Run along" Side of ~y ca~, "~b~? Dh~q~IS: I~m or~ctlclr~ to,bga Secret Service Man. JACK: ~t? DENNIS: Cg~In~ over he~-le I ra~ along slde o~' tho bu~. JAC~ Derails, sin~ your song... IAsten to ~t, !¢~y~ (APPLAUSE (DENNISI ~ S0~}.. "CUTSZDE OF @~A~-E~]~' ) BB RT~<O'I 01834-04
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(SECOND ROUTINE) -10- (SOUND: CROWD NOISES [~ AHD r~YwZ) ~DL: (P.A.) XADIES AND ~E~L~MEN .. THE F--'--rmI~ _RACE WAS A PHOTO FINISH ,.. WE,LL HAVE THE RESULTS LN A M0~/~T. MARy: Jaok, when are you golng to m~ke youm bet? you let five z,aces go by alreedy° ~AOK: I know, Ilm only Interested in the sixth l~ace. 0up Fa~oy can't miss. 0h~-heeven-~ake~/' MARY: Whst,s the ~tter no~1? JACK: Y told you to hold ,OeDmis~s ha~d. Now he's lost ~gein. M~.RY: J~ok, if Our F=~n¢[ ~omes in first, "~hy donlt yotl send it to Ripley. MARY: Winnlng ~ ~oe a~ losing Dennis oi% the s~me d~y. ~ "'"--- . JACK: Ne-~-~nobody~ottld-t~l±~ve-~it .. Gay Mery, let's go get ~--- Oh, ~o .. look ~hols coming .. That rece t~ck tout. MARY: Wh~e? SHELDON: H'~, Bad, long time no see. JACK: Hello, Hello .. Come on, M~y~ let's get ewsy. (SOUND: ~ FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Mary, let's Eo get a hot dog. MARy: But J~,ck, ~e'~e in the clubhouse .. Why not h~ve lunch? JACK: Well, ~ll right .. o OH WAITER .. WA~l~. N~LSON: YESSSBS. JACK: ~ .. We'd l~3~e to get something to e~t., Wh~t would you suggest? DH ~TH07 0']83~05
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--II- ~]LSON: Another waiter. I can't ~tand you. JACK: I don't care whether yo,i can or not • • • Now what C~u we get in a h~rry? ~Lg0N: Well~ -we h~ve rosst pork, corned beef, leg of lamb, sirloin tips, and bacon ~nd eggs. JACK~f~ B~con ~nd eggs sounds good ... &re the eggs fresh? NELSON: 0ooooooh, are they! JACK: Oh .. well, i~ll have that .,. How about yoa~ M~ry .. ~ould you llke bacon ~ad eggs? I~T#/: 0poooooh, would I! JACK: "~-W .,. Just b~ing t~a otz~ orders3 Walte s auicklg ~s NELSON: Yes sir mnd I'll seat you at table Number One. That's right over there. JACK: Thank you. ]~: (P.A.) I~DIE5 AND GENTI~N .. AS YOU ALL ~0~, TNE LAST RACE WAS A PHOTO FINISH ... ~UT YOU WONRT ~OW THE RESULTB TILL TOM0~ROW ... JACK: That's st.~ange. ME]L: T~E FICTUF~ TURNED OUT 80 GOOD TH~T ~#E,ITE 17ECIDF~D TO SHOW IT AT YOUR ~TEIGI~ORH00D TPHATER. J~- .- ~Ym~glis_~hat. WE~KO~E ]~T'~l!¢ ~iME ~OR~THEADADEMY~AWARD~-- JACK: Now, Mary, let's loom ovem that list of entries for ~he ne~t r~ce ... I w~nt~ see if -- DK ~T~OI 0183~06
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-12- Sk~LDON: Hey bud ... bud. JACK: Huh? S}~LDON: Come here a minute. JAOK: Me? SI~ELDON : Yeah. JACK: What is it? SHELDON: Are you ~nna eat h~e? JACK: Ye~h- SHELDON: What table? JACK: Table One. SF~ELDON: Uh uh. JACK:~quat ? SHELDON: Take Numbe~ Nine. JACK: Why, ~hat's wrong ~ith Table One? ~hDON]-'~Nd Do~Ition',- S{~cs-o~.th_9.<ail, ~ACK: Well look, r~m ve~V happy "~Ith S~b!e One. SHELDON: Think it oveP, Bud ~ .. NUmber one is a card table. JACK: A card table? SHELDON: Yeah °. if it carrles too much weight, its legs w£13 fold. JACK: Gee, I neve~ thought of tb~st. So you think I oughta t~ke ,?~4~C/tabie number nine? ~HSLDON: Certainly ,,. Look a,t ~he bPeed~ng. DH
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JACK: JACK: Sb~LDON: JACK: SHELDON : JACK: 8HE~DON : JACK: JACK: N~LSON : JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: N~LSON: JACK: -~3- Tb~ bI'~ling? It's by Bix~eye ~.ple out of G~and E~pids. Gosh3 I d~gau~t think they even knew ~ach other. Get wi~e~ Bud ~., ~hink it over~ Look, I.m not gor~_s, --- Walt a ~:tn~te. This i~ the fir~t time i~w ~un ir~to you at a ?~ce track, Why don't 7ou give me a tip on a horse? What? SO long, ~uok~. Hmm. (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS) Ma~ha~you figured oi~t yet ~hat ho~e you Ere ~oi~g to -- your bacon ~d eggs ame ~e~dy ..~ I put them on ~'able N~mber On~. NUr~oer 0nel Do you ~hi~i¢ I'm a smoker .., ~e'll eat at T,abie Number Nine. Table Nine? .,, The shlnym~hogany one? YC~. I'Z sorry, but you can't eat at ~hat t~ble. Why not? It was scratched. Now cut that outl ... £ don~t ~ow why you had to be oar ~alter ... yo~makeme sick. DH t~T~O ~ 0~ I~l 3~08
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CE~SON: JACK: JACK: MEL: JACK : MEL: .TACK: RYAN : DON: MARY: JACK: RYAN: DON: JACK: DON : ~,Te!l~ izou~re not Renicilli~ to me either. Come on, Mal~J, ~4BEII eat at the oo~ute-~, (SOUND: CRO}~ NOISES UP AND DOWN) (F.A.) A%~NTION PE~%SE .. WE I~VE A ~TE CHANGE .. HORSE ~?~BNR SEVE~, LITTLE IADY, WILL NOT R5~" /N T_~ f~[T RACE. AS SHE I~T ~ PADDOCK, [~HE BROKF A LEG. I ~ondem ho~ that h~ppened? 8&~ FORGOT S}~ WAS STANDLNG ON A BOX. Bo%' dO you lfLke that. (SINGS) THE JDCKE~ WAS CRYING •. THE TRAINER WAS CRYING ... AND I ~;AS OEYING, TOO. Come on, --~a~, ~e*ll ~t at the co~ter. (SOUND: CROWD NOISES U? ABD DOWN) ~no ~ s next? I ~n. I~d ~Ike & hamburger. Jack~ ~hers~s Don at the oo~nte~. Oh ~es. yes si~. One h~mbur~e~ co~.Ing up. Hold it, M~,ster~ hold it ~.. ! want to tell yore how to mak~ it. (W~it ~ minate, M~, this I h~ve to listen to.) Before you put the ~mburBe~ on the g~lll, I want ~ou to make the patt~ ~ou~d a~d fil~m and fully ps~ck~d, DH ~O1 O183~O9
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JACK: BYAN: DON: RYAN: DON: JACK: RYAN: DON: JACK: R~.N: DON: RYAN: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: -15- (I have a feeling that th~s is i~a~Ir~ sQmewhel.e) With relish? yes and be free and easy on bhe oatsup. Onion? Not if it makes hot spots tl~t bulln Im~sh and dry. (Say, tha~ 2eal~y is ~l~ver) Lettuce? ,~ Yes, but trim It, ]2 don,t wan iy loose ends. (If Ha~ry Von Zell evem beard about tb~s, he'd ~ll himself,) Now let me see if I've got it right. You want the da~ourgel, ~ound and fi~m and fully packed.,, .free and easy on the catsup, and lettuce wlth no loose ends. That' s right, Look, Mister, you don~t want a bambu~gem, you want a package of Luc~ Strikes. That' s exactll what I want. You see~ Marq. Because nothln~ no ~mthin~ tastes bette~ than Luc~ gtrlke. %; fY
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\f -]6- (BOUND: C~0~gD NOISES Tjp AND D0~) NW_~: (P.A.) THE HORSES FOR T~E BIXTH ~CE ARE NOW ~ THE pADDOCK. ~ARY: Jack, are you still going to bet on Ou~ Fancy? JACK: Well~ of course. ;l~n~t horse will ~1ob only win the r~ce today, but he~ll p~obably set ~ new track ~eoord. MARY: }low m~ch ~e ~ou going to bet? JAcI<: I donlt ~uow ... I ~on~er how much ~elght Our F~cy is c~rying ... and I :4onder who the jockey is. MARY: ~-~_~, Jack, ~f you'd buy a 2ifteen cent progr~m~ you'd JACK: I don't b~ve to buy ~ program. I~?l go ove~ to the JACK: RUBIN : JACk: EUBIN: JACK: ~UBIN: JACK: EUBIN: JACK: MARY: iz~'o~tion desk ~,nd find out ... You w~it he~'e, ~y. (SOUND: A LITTLE NOI~S ~J~ AND DOWN) P~don ~e~ Mi~te~, but how much ~eight is Ou~ F~ncy ~ying? I don ~ t know. Well, ~h~b is the name of the jocke~~. Z don't know. Well, how long in the ~ce going to be? T don~t know. Well, for he~ven ~kes, if you don't ~qow s~.ythlng ~bo~ the ~aces, ~hat ~e you doing behind thet desk? I had tc ~et beh~ud ~omethlngj !loat my p~nts. Of ~ll the ~llly -- J~ck -- Jack ~- D~ ~TNO I 0'~ B:..h~- "~ '!
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JACK: What is it, Ma~? JA~K-I ...... That~ S -a11 l-~eedv-- JAC~: -17- Did you get the infozua$1ou you wanted? NO, darn it ... I~ th~-~t~au~ ~nd l~ve sl! t~i~ t?ouble ~ad _Eo ehes~r~is~ ~mowing t~awn. JA~: Am~w~v~Z came to the track ~o b.b on ()u-~ Faucy and that's what I'm going to do . .. And D~nnis -- DE~NYS : Y~ah? JACK:Thi~ is you~ first time at the races, ~o t~ke s tip f~om me. Put your mone~ on ©u-~ Fancy. DENNIS: 0u~ Fancy? ,.. Let me see .. that's number ~±ght. JACK: That' ~ ~ight. DENNIS: That's not fo-~ me. i alr~ady,~et ou Number Twelve. JACK: Number T~elve? W-n~t ' s i~s name? DENNIS: Who ca~ about ~is name, it's tho number that's imp_o~tant, that's ~ system. JACK: You've got ~ ~ystem? DEh~I5 : Yeah ~ r~<~/ JACK: W~II Do~i~, ~ooordi~ to you~ s~stem, how o~e ~o~ bs~ o~ Number T~elve'? D}{ fH~O~ 0~834-t2
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-18- DENNIS: Well...The horse Is cal~-~in~ a hundred and sixteen pounds.., Re's ~unz~ng in the Sixth race...so I =~dded six to a hundred and sixteen, which gave me a _hundred and twent}~-t~o...This is 1953...r~ne and one is ten, plus five is flfheen...~nd three ame eighteen...I added eighteen to a b~andred and twenty-two which makes a hand~,ed end fo-~ty...This is the Fourth week of the month, so I divlaed four into a kand~ed and fo~ty and that makes thlmty-five, JACK: Uh huh. DENNIS: Then I subtracted my ag% ~hlch is 26,,,and 26 from ~5 leaves 9. JACK: Uh hub~ TJENNIS: Then I added three a~d bet on Numbe~ Twelve. JACK: Wait a minute, Dennis...I followed you all the ~ay down to Nlne....but why did you add hhz~ee? JACK: yeah yeah..ho~ else.,.Now come on, letts go over 5o the five dolla~ window ~ -- Key, MAr ~ k down there. .M~Y: Rheme? JACK: Down that aisle,,Isn~t that M~, Paley? MARy: oh yes. JACK: Well, come on, let's go ove~ and talk to him. MARy: Jack, he came to the t~ack ~o enjoy himself, Now leave him &lor~e. BB IqT:gO 1 0 3 8 2,,eI. 1 3
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JACK: But Ma~.~ i'm a big ~tar on C.B.S. ~ud be~s the head of the netwo1~k...if he knew - was ~re and didn't stoR to say hello, he.d be hea~th~oken...Come on. (S~JND: B~0T~F~PS:..o~0WD NOIBES UP AND DOW~) JAg~E: ~. Paley,..~m. ?aley, JERRY: Huh?...Oh, hello~ Jack...Hello, Ma~ / JACK: Hello,. S~y, ~i"~ Pale~, wh~ horse aA~,e you -- MAV~: (P.A.) AND NOW, COMII~D CCT ON T~ TI~ACK .~2E TI~ HORSES FOR T~ SIXTH PA~. JACK: ,M~] 9aley, l~v~ you picked youm l~J.~se yet fo~ the nex~ race? J~: "ties, Jack. I'm bettins on AVlat~ix. JACK: Well look, ~m. Pal~y, for$e~ about Aviatrlx..;put you~ mone~ on Our Fancy. He'll ~in by eight lengths. ,~RRY: Jack, my mind is made up. I'm g~ing to play Aviatrix. JACK: But look, Mr. Paley, it's silly zo come out here and just bet on an~ horse.,.e~peclally ~fte~ driving six hours to get to the track, jERRY: In~ car it's forty r~inutes. JACK: Gee....Look, M~. Paiey. 0.1~ve been studyin~ these horses all season ~nd _~ knew what I'm talkln& ahout...Ou~ Fane~ s~n,t lose. J~: I'm soz%~y, Ja~k, but I'~ going to bet on Aviatrix. JADK: Well, okay, Mr. Pale2, it's ~our dou~h...but don't say I dldnlt tell 2ou, BB
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-20- ~IG: (F.A.) THE XORSES AF~ NHAEZf~ ~T STARTZh~ ~AT~. JACK: Well, Z'm going up to the ~i~do~ ar~ i~ke my bet...Five dollnses on the, no~. (~JND: FOOTSTEPS FADE 0~~) Say Mary... , rf J~RY: l~ve been t~t~/~ing ._ Jack la going to bet five dollars on a l~r~e, ,he ~ust k~ow somethinj~. , i JIP~RY: Yean...I m gof~g to o~nge my bet. l~m going to put a b~red doll~r~ on Our F~ncy. MARY: Wall, ~. Pale~, would you do me a f~vo~. Put two dollara cn 0u~ Fancy for me. (SOUND: :J~OI~D NOI~S UP AND DO~N) GA E. f~,L: (P.A.) NOW TI-IEZ~P~ AnT, i~ffl~Z) UP iN TIZ, I GATE...Ti{EY,LL START AS SOON AS T~ L~N C TJZET SZLV&?~iDO...HE~S DANCT~ AROU_~D A BIT... L~O IS BLUE E~&DING. JACK: Ge~e, both of ~hem d~ncing? _~'L: IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. JACK: What? ~V~:(P.A.) AND T}A~KRE T~qf GO: (S~U~D: ~OR~l~ A~D ~RO~D h~DISES ) ~i~RY: MR. PALD£..MR. PALEY..OOI~ 0N...THE RAC~ HAS ~TARTED. f~3
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,/ -21- J~LRY: ~PZ I AM, .MARK. M~: C~ING 15~0 THE FIRST TURN, iT'h ~¢flID ~LORY IN FEO_~T... dOJJORADITO IS ~E.DOND...SIL~I2~tDO I$ ~RD,..AVTATR~4 IS F~JRTH, AND ~R FAN~%. JItnEY: COME ON,..CO~ ON, OUR ~N,JY. MARY: I wonder what l~ppened to Jack. ~L: COMING RBCJ~D THE FAR ~URN, TT.~ ~TILL WILD C-LOR¥ IN ~RO~... ~ULOHEDITO I5 SECOND... ~ILV~HADD IS TMIRD. °. ~JR FA~L~- IS NOW ~OURT~ BY HALF A ~2~NC~H..A~D ~IE FIAG. JI~: COME ON, ~DR ~NOV--~o.~SR FAN~.~ (~k~ND: ~OWD NOISES UP AND DO~N) JACK: I pLACED MY B~J~ AED HER~ I AM. MEL: (P.A.) DRIVING DOWN TNE HO~ STR/TJH..IT'~ ~IL~ IN ~RONT, .WILD GLuEY i~ ~ECO~.. oowR FAN~"/ IS TIqZ~...AND }[~E COME CON~RITUTION AND AVIATRIX: MART: COME ON, cOME ON.~!~~. // MEL: AND NOW ~OM~3 I~20 TI~ FINlbH LIME, IT'S 5ILV~qADO°. COY~YRINGTION, AND WILD GLORY...AND CO~I~B UP FAST ON TI~ OUTSIDE IS AVIATRIX...IT'S SILV~ AND AVIATRix° .IT'S STL~D0 AND AVKATIKIX...NOW AgU[ATRIX --'L P(]UNDIN~ ~-&RD... T~U~Y dR0SS TF~ FINISH I~-~] AND IT'S AVIATRIX THE ~NNF~ BY HELF A L~NGTH, (SOUND: OROWE ~DIS~ ~ NGW~) JACK: ~. PAI~!...ME. PAI~Y..~.4E l'.r0N...~ WON.~ JI~RY: WHAT DO yOU MEAN WE WON? JACK: I ~ ON Y~R HONDE, AVIATRIX, BB P, T ;~0 "~ 0'~ 834.'I 6
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-22- JERRY: yOU W-~AT? JACK, DO YOU ~AN THAT WH~ YOU ~T HI~ YOU DIIIN'T ~ET ON OUR FAN~? JACK: NO, YOU TALTSD ME OUT OF IT...~, £ALEY~ ~4AT A~ ~OU SO U~A £Fy ABOUT? JERRY: JADK B~Z, I ~ET ON TME ~ORSE you OA~TE ME. JA~K: YOU DID? ME. PALEY, HOW COULD yOU B~ ~0 ~ILLy? JACK: Oooooooh.L J~ , ......... 4~m2, you shouldn,t ~ave done tba~, he's i~earing (APPLAUSE AND f>.TAYO~) BB RI,,,OI 0"1B34.'17
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JACK: Ladies and &entlemen, i'll be back iu~ minute to tell you about my television pro&ram wtlcn goes on immediately after tb~s s,how...but first here's somethin& I'd like to say... and it's really appz_,opriate at tkls ~ime... I~.~nd ~ntlemeni" thls week is "Z~[CA Week, a time to remembe~ that cur ~& is ~-~lways workin~ for our youth... teacbin~ boys love of God ~,nd country. Let's say tl~nks to ou~ ~q4OA for the help riley,re j2~Ivi~ us in ~alsin~ oum yotu±gster ~.. (APP~USE) DON: Jack will be b6ck in just a momsnfl~ hut first a wol~ to every cigarette smoke~....... \. BB ~[~01 0183478
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THE JACK BENNY PEuGEAM "'~- JAnUArY 25, i953 (TRANSJRIBED JANJAFY~ 21~ i953) C_T~3 SING COMMER~qAL DON: You kno~, folks, nothi~J~ -no notbin~ - beats better taste. And r~memDer... COLLINS: Luckies taste better] u~SRUS: Jlezne~, fresher, smoother! C01LINS: l uskies taste bette~,t C~ORUS: Cleaner, fDeshem, sl~oothe-~: VO~ Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Riche~--tastln~ fine tobacco| C01~NS: Luckles taste bettor.~ CI-IOHUS: Oleane~ freshe~, smoother.~ l~cky Strike .., Luc~ SSrlke.~ 0bviously~ fmie~s, the better t~e taste of your ci~e,~ette, the ~_~e NOU ~ it bec~ulae no~bln~ - no nethlr// - be~ts better taste arld Luckles taste b@btem.., cloanem~ f'l_~eshe~ and smoother, just li~ton to this and dr~w ~our own conclusions. A n~tion-wide survey, based on actusl student Inte~vlews in 80 leadir~ colleges, reveals t[%~t there smokers in these colleges p~,efe~ Luckles than any other cigarette - by a wide ir~Pgin, too, And the numbe~ one ~e~son the students ~ave fo~ smokln~ Duckies was...bettor taste~ Now, fmie~ds, that ~sme better taste..and the ~eat en3oymenb it brinhs you..,Is ~oul, s every time you light a L~ck~. So be hep~ -- &o i~cky. Ne~u ~ime .. ask fo~ a ~mton of lacl~ Strike| BB 01834-19
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TIE JACK BF2~Y PROG~ JANUARY 25, 1953 (TRANSCRIBED JA~h~l~AqY 21~ 1953) CT-OSING CON~4~CL~L (COhereD) SPORTSM~ QUARTET : Be haopy -- ~o Lucky Get better" taste today! (LONG C~DSE) -D- BB R 1 ,'-~0 1 O'IB3~2U
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JACK: ~24- Ladies ~ad gentlemen, I was gonna tell you ~bout m2 television show, b~At we'r~ ~ littZe late, so tune i~ ~nd watch it.. Goodr~ght, ~zk~j-" (~SId AND APPLAUSE) DON: The Jack Benny show tonight was written by Milt Josefsber~, Jobz~ Tac~aber~y, A1 ~ordon, H~l Goldman and produced and transcribed by Hilliard r~ark~, Be sure to hear "The American ~4aF~. . ,with Horace Heidt fo~ Lacky Strike...every Tl~arsday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Bonn@ Program was brought to you by I~cky Strike, producz of ths American Tobacco 0ompany,.America' s lea~in~ mantu~acturer of ci~arettes, BB
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11 11 il !i in II ,n Jl il | ,| ~THOI 0"183~22
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PRCGP~ #21 I~VISED SCRIPT ~ME~IC_~N TOBACCO COMPANY LUC~ STRIKE THE JACK BENNY FROGRAM SUNDAY. ~JARY !~ ~ CBS (TRANBCRIBED DEC. !l, 1952) J#:00 - 4:30 PH PST ~" VR fl~Ol 0'183~23
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T_~ JACK B~T~NY pR0~RAM SOT~DAy, FLLRUARY !, 1953 (transcribed December Ii, ]952) DON: T~E JA~ BEN~ p~0G~RAM ... TRANSCRIBED AND £RESENTE, D ,BY LUCKY ~TRI~, ! You :~o~, f~lends ... nothing - ,~___, noth~_~ - be~ts better t&ste. And ~e~,eztber ... COLLINS: Luckies t~ste bette~! CHOEUS: Cle~ne~ f~es'ner smoother! COLLINS: L~ckSe8 t~ste better: CHORU~: Cle~ne~, freshe~ smoother3 FO~ Lucky Strike me~s fine tobacco Riche~-tastlng fSue tobacco! COLLINS: i~ckies t~ste better! OHOF~JS: 01ear~er~ f~e~ ~oothe~ Lucky Strike ... Lucky ~t~-ke! DON: T~ste makes the big diITerence in your smoking enjoyment because nothing - n_~o,DothlnjK - be~t8 bette~ ~ste ... and I~uckies t&ste better-~ Ye~, ~Luckies do t~ste bettez" ... cle~ne~ ~d f~esher and smoothe~ .,. a~d berets why. First of 511, every Lucky is m~de of fine tobacco th~t~ light ~nd mild. ~ it~ good-t~,sting tobacco: Then, too, Luckies ~e m~de better to t~ste bette~ so that eve~j puff will give yo~ the full enjoyment of theft fine tobacco. So f~lend~, get the bette~ t~ste ... and the g~,e~ter smoklng enjo~nnent °.. of f&ne tobacco, in the bette~-m~de clg~ette. Be happy -- go L~cky| ~ke you~ ne~t c~ton - T~ucky ~trlke: COLLINS: L~ckles t~te bette~ C}E}RUS: Cle~aqe~ f~e~he~ 8moothe~.~ Lucks Strike ... L~cky Strike: MUSIC: (pROGRAM ~ UP AND DOWN) DON: The 7~ucky Strike p~ogr~m n~r~Ing ...... Rr~(oI 01834.2,¢
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t (FIRST NOD~INE ) (AFT~ C0~4E~CIAL, NUSIC UP AND D0~) DON : THE LUCTC/ ~TRIKE PROGRAM, ST~L~RING JAO~K B~_. ,WITH ~ARY LMNGSTONE~ R00~T~q, DENNIS DAY~ BOB CROSBY, AND "YOUES TRULy" DON WILSON. (APpLAUSE.,~SIC UP AND II~WN) DON: AS YOU ENOW~ I~&D~S AND GF~, T~ NEW ~-DMZNISTRiTION IS C.A/iQYING ON A BIG CIEANGE ~N WASHINGTON..BUT ~HI8 IS HOLLYWOOD 50 NOW I G~ YOU A NAN W~O NEVER C~IES ANY CHANGE. ~ .JACK B~9~Y. (AP~UNSE) JACK: Tb/ank you, th~nk ~-ou, ¢~mnk yo~3 hello a~_~in this is Jack Benny taidcLng...And Don...l~iI never understand how such a little joke could come oat of suoh a big fat hodN. DON.~?c~ though$ it w~@s ~ther clever. JACK: ~We~l Don, I ~mven't got time to argue about that because tonight we have a v~ry i~[portant play on o~r show...We'~e going to do ou~ version of tb~t g~eat stamley K~amer fLlm, "Nigh Noon". DON: But Jack,~e al-~eady did "High Noon" this season. JACK: I know, Don, but !'re ~d so [%%ny requests to do it ove~ ~gain that we just have to repeat it. word for word. DON: Really? ~no was it from? ~L
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JACK: My wrlt~rs...they'ro tired of womkizg. DON: I caz~t understand that, Jack. you've got four wrlte~s, and the ~eason~ s just half over..why should t~ey be ~e tired? JACK: W~ll~ theyfre vo~ bu%s~. '~e~ w~ts my '~how at olg~ and ~rln~ the dsy two of ee~ teach Eoglish~f~'2~ // DON: Who a~e they t~aoblng? JACK: The other t~o ..... Anyway, Don, as ~oon as ~ver~Oody gets he~e, we~re going to do "High Noon". B~: S~y, JaeW? JACK: %4hat As it, Bob? ?-*~" B~5: Well, this "}li~ Noon" that youtr~ repeating. IsuFt that a JACK: Yes. Wha~ abo~t i~? BOB ~:~Nothlng..cnly I ~hou~ht your grudge was against Warner Brothers. JACK: Bob..I knew zV wrlte~s ar~ tired of ~orking ~ I dldu~t think you were....youl~o~y -beoD-~If~h-~e~@h~ee-~*~ ~'nd MARY: Hello, Jack..Hello, everybody..am I late? JACK: No, we're ~s~ getting started. _MARY: Well, I stopped of~ at the furri~'~ to look at some stoles and-w los~ all• t~ok of time. ~ACK: ~tolo~ MarY, ~no~ fuY' stol~ C~g~ fo~ Christmas? v~ PIT~O'I 0183~.26
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....................... ~ ................ MARY: Hanging from my ra~lato~ c~p. J~- M~rF, I~o~g~t~h~b~,3r~r-fow ~otr-te-wear~ ~_~ourfr-/cUr DOI~: ~-~ay Marl, did yo,J kno',~ that tonight ~¢e'r~-~x~%g-z~ ~pe~s ~u# %~igh Noon"? p!sy MARY: We are? JACK: That's ~,ight~ Ma~y, and TWo invited the man who p~oduced itj Stanley K~ame~, to be hero tonight. MAHZ: Jack, Stanley ~rsmer is a v~ry important p~oduoe~. Do you know him? JACK: Well, not per~onally..my agent aryange.d the whole thing~ He~ll bs ov~ afro-~ awhile, BOB: Jack, I don' t know if the background music'll be the same as last time. JACK: Why not? You've got the same arrangement. BOB: I know, bu~ last week we amded a 9~e~ei~m-~zeye~9-~. JACK: A--~O~LO ~ ,~* Y J. ~ . ~ j',~/ BOB:~,~Jtns -,ell~s in the are 3ust ~i~ about ~h~s boy. He's what they call a mu~ician,s musician. JACK: What makes bL~ so good? BOB: Besides playing the piccolo he owns a liquor store. JACK: A liquor Jtor~? BOB: You see the ~i~e of tBe case he carries that piccolo in. JACI#. VR ~THOI 0183~2~
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~Y: JACK: DENNIS : MARY: DENNIS : JACK: DEN~-I S : JACK: DF~NNI S: JACK: Hello everybody. MARY) Hello, .~ry..give me a kiss..(~qE KISSES ~ennis, why di~ you kiss me? Yeab, Dennls..~hatls the matter with ~cu? Ibls a bet l~vs ~ot with my glYl. A bet? Yes. I bet ho~ I Could kisB ever~- woman I 8~ tOday and wouldn't gst one slap in the £sce. Well, that's certainly an Interesting bet. How a~o you doing? Three husbands punched me ~lily. I thought so. One old man beat me wlth a cane. ~ow Dennis, I have a f~eling -~ g~-led--~ai~~ V~
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-5- ( SENO~D R0UTI#~) DENNIS: Can I go home now? ,TACK: No yo~ oa~zt..~letl~ doing J~gh ~oo~" and f want you to be on you# best behavior because Stanley K~amez. is going to watch UB. DENNIS: Boy am I anxious to meet him, What a tennis pleye~ JACK: That'~ Jack Kramer...For =~oodness sake, Dennis..don,t you know anything~ M~RY:~ Take it easy, Jack. What are you so excited about? JACK: I can't help i% Mary, he's such a stupid kid. .~ow uan anyone not know Stanley Emaz~l1, the man who produced "The Cha~npion", "Home of the Brave'~ ~ ~'MY Six Co~viots" "Mezber of the Wsddiug", "The Happy Time" o.(PF~L ~CITFD) Thez,e isnlt o~e other DePson in our whole b~siness who doesn't JACK: F~R: JACK: KF, AYZE: know 5tanle~ Kraft. I beg your pardon, bu~ I-- Look ~4ister, I don't know what you w8nt, but yOU'll have to wait. I'm t~ing to do a show here, I'~ expeotlng one of the biggest producers in l~ollywood, and you come in here and bother ;me--who are you 2nyway? ~ t anjley, K~amer ° Yes. VR R1 )(O1 O 1 8c~4L~ 9
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-6- DENNIS: He produced ?"The Champion'E, "Home of ~he B~ave", My Six Con-- JAOK: I know what he's done...~t's just tb~t~, Mm. Kramer,~/~,,~o~, s } ,~cJoh --, g big preducer I was expecting a Nan more ~ age~ i mesn you ~eem so Nuch youngor..How old g~ you? KRAFEH: ThirtY-nine. JAOK: Gee, ~w~s ~ure you'd be younger. JACK: No, but @at's the diffo~ence..you're l]e2e ~Dd I~m hap_z~J you Oauld make it. ~g,,J/ KRAF~R."g'/-~a~ks, Ja~k..and f~s~kly~ ilm curious to see how you managed • to t~ansfer "High ~oon" to madio...You know~ in p~eparlng this s~b~eot for the screen, ws ~ere faced ~ith %he problem of presenting the comploxltles of a man fighting his owtl emotions. / I know/;.you even employed a muaical theme to crYst~llze the inner conflict of a man Dossesaed of flez.ce p~ide ~nd deep s~se of dut~ coping with the dile~a of a oew-fouud love. KRAMERi' ~s ~rue. Ou~ he~o was temporarily disoriented by a set of circumstances that juxtaposed turbulent, pathOlogiCal fear against the inherent urgings of an almost ?uritanicsl CO~3Cie~O~, JAOK: Well, I thou~nt-- MANY: OH, Sh%~ UP' I/ JACK: Ma~y, I~only w~nted to say that I thought it was a wondezd~ul picture..aud you know, M~. K~amer~ in ou~ ~adio version, play zhe pa~t of Ga_~y Cooper. VR R I';NO 'l 01834.3(3
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-T- KF@2~R: You do? JACK: Of course, I've added little touches of my ~n...B2 the wry, Mr. Krams~j it just occurred to me that we might be ~bl~ to get togethe~ on one of ~ou~ future pictures, KRAY~R.~/.~a~ks,~-- Jack, but If re got all ~he financing I need. I Well, I'd like to use ~rcu~ ~ack, but you sss..eve~ though I've gotten 8wsy f~om it a few times, m~ polloy has been to star unknowns, MA~Y: ~ell, sta~ J~ck, ~'ll make Z~ou m~ unk~own ove~ai~ht. JACK: Mary, for that ~.,emark I'd f~em-~T~-w~n*b-~er~he ~nhe~s~t-~-n~a- -c~ my ~It~n~ca]~ console-~6e. // DON: ~//Jack it's getting ~te we bette~~ star~ ou~ sketch. JACK: 0~~ it.. ~gY OUR F~A~UNE ATTRACTION 0~ T}~ ~rENI}D, ~TC. ) ~ V~
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-8- DON: LADIES AND G~ FOR O~ FEATGRE ATTEACTION OF T}~ EVI~ING, WE AR~ G01.~G _0 PRESE~f OUR VERSION OF THAT EPIC OF TI~ WEBT, T~ STANLEY It~ P~ODUCTION OF "HIGH NOON". (BAND PLAYS IMPPS~S~qE VERSE gF "HIGH NOON"...THEN SOFT) DON: T~ TIME IS ~E ~.AR 1875. TBE PLACE, THE LITTLE T0~ OF ~i~[F~Xg-£LLE...T~ ~CENE IS/~ OFFICE OF T~ JUSTICE OF THE PEACE. (MEdic ~AD~S 0UW) JACK: ~FILTER) ~WESTP2~) ..... I'M THE, TOT.~'~ MA~SF~%LL -i~ ~PZ [~AME IS Q~RY }lANE... Jl~S IS MY W~DDING DAY., ~%~, RIG~ AT TEIS MOMENT YsM A-Gh.~fTl~ [vi~h~/ED TO ~ SW~ET~LqT AMY. DO NOT FORSAKE ME, SH MY DAZZLING ON THIS Ob~ ~DING DAY. DO NOT FORSAKE ME, OK MY DARLING°,. DO ~ou, Amy, take this man, G~ to be you~ l~wful wedded h~sband? Ah do. DO ~ou, ~, ~ake Amy fo~? you~ lawful wedded wife? (~. ~x~) (~ L~ 0OCE~) yu~. NOW ~epeat afte~ me, Amy...I, &my, take th~ GazT~ to love, honor end cherish. Z, Amy, take thee G~ry, to love, hono~ and cherish. NOW, you, Gaz~...l, Gary, take thee ~, to !ov% honor, and cherish. I, G~ry, t~ke thee Amy to ]Ov~ honor ar~ cherish. And with all ~y worldly goods I thee endow. And ~Ith -- (IDNG PAUSE AS JACE L00K8 AT A~DI~UE) QUART : M~L: MARy: JA~: _~y: M~u: ~AOK- MEL'. JACK: AL ~I-MOI 0183432
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. .~ . =~ ~ ~= ~:,~,:L~.~ ~.÷~ ~¸- -9- Come on....~epeat it..and with all my worldly goods, I thee JACK: I G~ry, take thee Amy to love, honor ~ud cherish. MARY: justice, Ah even hod to buy the ring. MEL: I now p~,onounee you r~an and ~Ife. MARY: C~ry....my h~shand. JACK: Amy~ my b~ide...kiss me, ~/~L: i~h ~h uh uh~ itls customary for the Justice of the pe~ce to get the first k4-ss. JACK: stand aside, Amy, the m~n ws/~ts to k%ss b%e. JACK: Oh...Oome ong)~/fet'~ ge~ going on our h~'eymoon~-%~l" MARY: Gee, Gary. Irm so glad you're going to ~-ve up your job ~ 8.8 Marshall &ud put those awful guns a~ay, JACK: yes, Amy. Now ~e can have ~ peaceful llfe and-- (SOUND: DOOR ~mUNG OP~,Ti FAST) DON: (BREATHIneSS) M~rshall~ Marshall! JACk< : yeah.. ,whet ~s up? DON: Te~,rible news..Frank Mille~ has been ~eleased f~om JACK: No? [KIN: Yes, and hels arriving in town ~t ~. JACK: ~ noon? (BIG STING~ ENDING WITH. CYMBAL) DON: Yes...High noon...and three of his henc~nen are waiting zt the rail~oad station ~o meet him. JACK: %q]e~e a~e my guns?....and I better swear in some deputies.. I~ve got to get Frank Miile~ before he gets me. AL ~T~OI 0"183~33
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,/ -IO- MARY: Gary, te]l me...%'hat~s this all abo~t? JACK: Amy, five years ago I arrested F~em/< Miller and sent him to jail...he vo~ed he~d kill me when he got out. SO I've got to get hlm first. MARY: But Gary, you m~y be kill~d. I don't w~t to become a wido~ on my wedding day....I want to go on ~ honeymoon. JACK: Look, A~y -- I can't pun away...You wouldn't wanta be married to a coward, ~ould you9 MARY: l~d do s.uything to get out of the May company. JACK-: (FILTER) IT WAS T?~N I EF~IZED T~4~%T AMY SPELLED SIDEWAYS WAS MAY...BB~ I HKD MY DUTY TO PEP~0~M EVEN 19~ IT MEANT LDSING ~_MY....I ~T OUTSIDE AND WAIZ~D THE HOT, ~JSTY, DESERTED STREETS L00~ING IN VA~ FOR MEN TO S~VE AS D~UTIES. QUART: OH TO ~E TORN TWIXT LOVE :~ DUTY, SUBPOSINI} I iOSE MY FAIR I~%IRED BEAUTY. LOOK AT THAT BIG I~A_ND MOVE ALONG N~m~RING M~--GK MOON. HE ~r~ A VOW ~ IN STATEIS PNISON VOWED IT WOULD BE MY LIg~ OR !~S IN JACK: ~ ~T EVF~g~E LOOKXNG FOR DEPUTIES...I WENT TO THEIR H0~B, TO T~ GENERAL STORE, AND I W~NT TO ~ TOWN SALOON... LN FACT~ WE ~_~D A S~ 3]~ T~ SALOON ~L~ WE CUT ~T BECAUSE Pli~L HARRIS IS ON ANOTHER NETWOPX...FINALLY I WENT LOOKING FOR DESP-~IR~.TE D~S MONDLTY, THE MAN WHO HAD BE]~ MY ASSISTANT_...SUDI~NLY Z SAW ~4., .}~ CAME RIDING TOW~-RDS ME. (SOUND: APPNOACHING HOR~S HOOVES...SLOWING DOWN TO STOP) ~L
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01d Pa,lnt. -ll- MEL: (LO~ MO000000 OF COW) JACK: (FILTER) T NEVER K~D THE H~T TO TELL i ,~M°...}~ RODE THAT COW ~JE~yWHERF,~.~ W~ THE MAN' k~H0 ORIGINATED T~ WHITE LINE DOWN THE MIDDLE ~ THE STF~T., .HE DISMOUNTED AND SAID... L~TNIS: Htya G~r~....congratulations...I heard you just got l,mrried. JACK:(REG. MIK~) Tbatrs right, i did. :~I5: Who~d you ~r~? The ~chool teacher? JACK: No, ~hy? DENNIS: They al~ays do Ln Westerns. JACK: l~ok~ i ~en,t time to talk ~bo~t that. X'm in trouble. ~,~nk gil]e~ is coming back to town to ld-ll me. I nee~ ,~ ~ou sure c~e to the right ~a~. I'll help Toe. JACK: D~Y~IS : JACK: JAOK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : YOU will? Yo~l'~e sure ~-o~e not af#ald? Of course not. When I see Frank Miller~ I'II sneak up behind him. ~r~ huh. Then fill stick my ~uz in b~s beck and say, "Feet ~ip." ~ott mee/l "h~qds ~ip". No, Feet UP, pat ~ O~ The Pope. Wh~t? Let's hear b~m l~ugh...Ha h~.~'~~ ~,,. AL RT>{07 O? 83z~3S
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-12- JACK: (FILTh) AS I LEFT H/J4, HE TURINED THE CO~ OVER ON ITS BACK b.~D WAS MILE~ IT..IT L00EED LINE TNE FOU~A~ AT WII~HIEE SANTA MONICA...l ~PT WALKING ON THROUGH T}~ TOW~ LOOKING FOE HELP...~ITIE STREETS ]4ERE DESg/~TED. ° .IT WAS GETTIgD CLOSE TO I~GH NOON AND I HAD TO FIND SOMEBODY TO DEPUTIZE, SO I JUST EEPT W_4//CI/~G...WAlinG...W~IZI-NG. o ( SOUND: ~OOTHTW~S ) ~UART: WE THIISI< IT'S TIME FOR OUR O0~94ERCIAL. THIS S}~-~2CH MAY TAKE AIL DAY. W]{ WANT TO SING ABOUT THOSE LUCKIES THOSE GOOD OI/D LNCKIEZ, FINE TASTING LUCZIES, ~CAUZE LUCKY STRIKE'S OUR FAVORI-~E BRAND. RV~YONE S~~ AND COMPAEIN' ~-V0~r]{ STA~IDIN' '~0NND AIklD'/~' LOOK AT THAT BIG HAND MOVE ALONG ~ARIN' HIGH NOON. LUCIUS ARE 80 MUCH BET~ ~2ASTIN' GIVE HIM ~NOT~, TIME'8 A-%¢ASTY/~' I{E'5 NOT AFRAID OF DEATH, BUT, OH WHAT WIlL HE DO WITHOUT IUCKIEZX NO TRUEI9 WORDS WERE EV-~ 3POKEN WE HEARD THEM HEOM 0U~ MA AITD PA RJ~4EMBER %@ZN TEO~ GUNS START SMOKIN' BE SURE ITIS LUCI(IES THOSE GOOD OLD LUCK~ S0 F~EE AND EASy ON T~E DRAW. L%M, M2T. LSM, NFT. RTNOI 0183~36
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(THIRD ROUTIN~ ) BEA : - ~" JC -13- (SOUND : FOO2$TEPS ) JACK: (FILTER] TIME WAS ~U~NING S~ORT AND STILL I COD-~D FIND NO 0RE TO RELP ME...I "WAS A MA~C~D MAN..NO ONE WOULD E~N CORE NEAR ME...THIS WAS BEFORE ~ DAYS OF CHLOROPHYLL...I DIDNIT KNOW WHAT TO DO...!N ~Ef S~ARCH FOR HELP i WANF~RED DC~N TO %~ MEXICAN QUARTER AND I CAME UPON A GROUP OF PEOPLE %PHC WERE HAVING A FIESTA. NEEDING A DEPUTY ~ AP~ROAC}~ED ONE OF TH~ MEN AND SAID -~ JACK: (REG. MIKE) Psrdon ~, Senor~ ~Go you know who I ~m'? MEL: Si. JACK: Do you hnow there's a man out to kill me? ~L: Si. JACK: W~]id you be wiling to help me? MEL: Si. JACK: What's ~our zlame? MEL: Cy, ,TACK:Cy? MEL: Si. JACK: Now you, ~ita, sre you his sister? BEA: Si. JACK: I~ it all right for your brother to help me? BEA : ~i. JACK: What's you~ name? BEA: Conchit~ Guadalupe Lolita Hernar~ez Gor~zslez Cla~Its Del Prado Ramona Ros£ta Ramlrez. JACK: Conchita Guadalupe Lollta He~nandez Gonzalez Cls~ita Del P~ado Ramona Rostra Ramirsz? Si. RTN01 0"183~37
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JACK: But that name is too long..what can I oail you? BEA : Sue. ~ACK:Sue ? Si. .IACK:/~I was ~alklng to her, Wasn't I? BEA: Si. JACK: What do you do fo~ a living? B~,A. Sew. JACK : Sew? BEA & M~L: Si, JACK: Now cut that out. JACK: (FILTER) I AppRECL%TED THEIR 099~R TO HELP, B~ I COULDN'T TARSI A CHANCE ON CONCKITA GUADAL~PE LOLITA NEFdqA~TEZ GOIqZAI~S CLARITA ~L pHADO RAMONA ROSITA R~MREZ GETTTNG KruLk~.. ,IT WOULD DRIVE THE TOMBSTO~ MAKER ~Jl'S...BU~ NOW i IL~/CMA~E UP MY MI~]3,..I WASN'T GOl~O TO WAIT ~OR MILLER TO CO.ME LDOI(~-NG FOR ME..I I~DIDED TO CO DOWN TO TBE RAILROAD STATION A}~ WAIT FOR HIM. (SOUND: WAIfrYING FOOTSTEPS..SUSTAIT~ ~N B.,~. ) QUART: B~ ~I&DE A VOW WHILE IN STATE'S PRISON VOWED i~ WODLD BE MY LIME OR HIS'N I'M NOT AFRAID OF DRATE, BL~, OH, k~glT WILL I DO IF YOU LEAVE ME. JACK: (~ILT~R) I REACH~ ~ RAIIJ~OAD ZTATION.,F?~ MILerS TRAII~ WAS DUE TO ARRIVE AT HIGH NOON. WITH 0N-mY A FEW MIML~EZ TO WAIT, I WENT IN~3DE. (SOUND~ DOOR OPENS..LIG~T~ STATION NOISES IN) JO
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-15- MEL: (P,A.) TRAI~ NOW LOADING ON TRACK FIVE FOR ANAHEIM. AZUSA, _~D CUC...~0NGA. JACK: (FIIIfER) I WAS ~NE IN TF~ STATION EXCEPT FOR ONE COW-~OY... TR~ING I COD~D ~ HIM A DEP~ i ~NT OVER TO TAlK TO HIM. (S0U~D: COUPLE ~ F00T~fEPS) JACK: ~hBtts your r~me~ ~dner? BOB: (%~ WESTERN) TeX Crosby. JACK: Tex, eh...theft y~ we~e born Ln Texas? BOB: No, Ah was born in LOUiSiana, but/~'t nobody gorm_8 call me Louise. JACK: That's ~n old joke. ~oB..~'mt was n~w ~m 1875~ JACK: Oh y~s.] .Wbs~ ~re you doing bBre anyway, Tex? B~.'~g#%~II'~altlng for Frank Miller bo a~ve..we'r~ gorma kill the ~own marsh~ll. JACK: (A L~TTLE MENACING) 0h~ you are eh? Well I'm the town marshall and I ~#gonma klll you. ~L: (P.A.) TRA~ NC~ IEAV~{G ON TRACK FIVE FOR ANAI~IM, AZUBA, AND CL~- JACK: ...~ I'll give y~ a fighting chance. When I count t]mw~e, draw azd ShOO~. BOB : Okay. JACK: Ons. , two.,, three.. ( SOUND : PISTOL SHOT ) BOB: (c~oB~s IN PAIN) (SOUND: BODY TRUD) JO ~T~OI 0~3~39
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~MEL: (F.A.) ... A~,IONGA. jACK: I got ye Tex, BO~ : (GRDA~<S) JACK: (FLUTER) -16- AS i~ LAy THERE, I~ REMINDED ~ OF HIS BROTI~.. 7~ ~¢AS A GROA~NEH T00....NOW I ~WAD GOTTEN RID OF ONE OF TBE KILLERS. (SOUND: O~{UFFI.~{G AND ~ZTC~ING Ar~ WHISTLE OF TRAIN AS IT COMES INTO ~ STATION) JACK: THE ~IGH NOON ~AIN PULL~ I~0 ~ STATION...~ CAME TO A STOP. FRA.klq MILLER G(Y2 OFF THE VERY L~ST OAR A[TD WAS l~_ /3Y HIS TWO RE~t~ZNC- HENCRMEN...THIS WAS MY DATE W!TH DESTIIT/. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: ! FELT A LO~ELY SILENCE AS I WA~ TOWARD ~ %~£1~EE MEN WK0 WANgleD TO KILL ~...ALONE IN THE BLAZING NOONDAy SL~, ~ITE MY ~NES ON Lo/ GU~, SLOWLY INEPT GOl~3 T~#ARDS ~J]gM, (SOUND: SLOW DELIBERATE .~'OOT~TEPS, .FOR QUITE A WHILE.. ,SUDDENLY TPZ~Y TRIP...BODY ~L~3 ) JACK: (FILTV_~) -~..M~ ~L0i~SY SOUND MAN GOT UP AND i CO~YYINUED "~AI~INO. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) JACK: MY RANDS WERE SWEATING..MY ~I~OAT WAS DRY..I ~7~ THAT I~ilTHIN SHE F~I~ EITHER ~ 0~{ I WOULD BE DF~4D ..... AS SOON AS I GOT WITHIN PISTOL T~E~ I DREW MY GUN AND FIFdaID.~ (SODq~D: GUN ~IOT.. ,BODY THUD...PISTOL SIIOT... BODY THUD...PISTOL ~Z~OT..B(X~ THUD) JO
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-17- jACK: Y~S. I KAD KILLED ALL ~_p~EE OF K~EM...WITIIOUT GIVING TKEM A CHANCE TO TA/2[...THIS "AASN'T Th~ WAy IT WAS DONE IN ~/~ p .IC~iUTE, BUT Z KNC~'[ HOW TO $A~/E MON~" ON ACTOHS. Z WAS SAFE NOH. ( MI~!C IN} JACK: ...A~ MY O~F~Y PROBLEM WAS ~_~ER TO ASK My W~E TO COM~ BAC-K TO ME 0R GO [33C~IN~ FUR CONCHITA GUADAIEPE LOii~A }~F~NANDEZ G01qZAIEZ CLARITA DEL pRAD0 RAMONA ROSITA R~/~IREZ.., BUT I A~D ~ %~OLE TC~N KN~;...IT WAS "HIGH NDON". (~J~I¢ CP~SCENDO ~ND OLTMAX) (AP!U~AUSE AND pLAYOFF) DON: JACK WILL BE BAC"~ IN JUST A MO~N~, BUT FIRST-- J0 RI.~O 1 01 8 3~.'t,.$1
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~ACK: DON: Ladies and gentlemen, next S~ttn~ay Vebruaz7 7, mo~e t~ three million, t~o hundred and fifty thousand Scouts and I~ders of the P-~ Soouts of Amerlc~ h~ve ~ c~ndle- 3ightln~ job on the±z, ~nds. It ~s the be61unlu~ of Boy Scout Week, and these S~outs ~e mddlng the ~3rd c~n~l~ on thelr birthday cake. ° oC~ndles ~h~t through the 7ea~s bare lighted boyhood's ~th to ~nhood, brightening the way ~Ith fun and fello~shlp, ~uidln~ boys to a future of good citizenship. A~ i~dles and gentlemen toda.~-~s ~oo~ts &~e tomorrow~ clt~zen~ Thank you. (AP~Um) Jack will b~ back /n ~ust a moment, but first a wo~d ta cigarette smoke~s. EM ~T~O~ 0~B3~2
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TIE JACK B~&~Y PRCG_~AM S~NDAy, ~EB~UARy d~ 1953 CLOSING O 0~L~ CYAL DON: COLLINS : CHORUS : COLLINS : CHORUS : COLLINS: CHORUS: DON: 0RCH: QUARTET: (~EHOR]~EO O~CZ~ is, 1952) Jack will be back ~ just ~ moment, but fimst a word to cigarette smokers ,., (PAUSE) ,,.Nothing - no, pothq~ - beats bette t~ste. And remember .., Luckles taste better! Cleaner, fre~her,.smoothe~! Lnckies taste better~ Cleaner, f~eshe~, smoothePJ For I~c~J Strike means f~,~qe tobacco Rinher-~astln6 fine t~baccol Luckles taste better~ Cle&uer, f~esher~ smoother! Lucky St~Ike...Lucky Str~--kel Friends, your enjoyment of a cigarette c~ne8 from its taste. And thatla why I want to remind you that nothing - nothin~ - beats better t~ste! Now Luckles give you that bette~ taste you want ... a eleanor, fresher, smoother taste ... a thoroughly be~ter taste that starte right wlth the fine, light and mild tobacco t~hat goes into every Lucky, yes, LS/#~T - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Wh~t~s more, Lackies also taste bette~ because they're ma~e better ... ~m~de round and fi~m and fully packed to draw f~eely and smoke evenly. So, f~lends? fo~ you~ own real, deep-do~n smoking enjo~ent ... for a better ÷~stlng clg~rette .,. change to Lucky Strike. Go be happy -- go Lucky! Next time you buy cigarettes, get a cs~ton of Lucky Strike! Be t~ppF -- Go LUcky Get better taste today! f~T;gO 1 01834-4.3
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JACK: Ladies and gentle~n, I want to tharfi~ Mm. Stanley Kramer for appearing on our program alld al~o to congratulate him on the m~ny wonderful picturs~ that he ha3 prcduced. And one of the beBt of all is his 18test production "Member of the Wed~j_ng" ~tarr~ng Ethel Waters, J1~lie ~arris~ a~ Branf~on De Wilde .. Ooo~£~ht~ .$@ika. (App~uSE ~ND [4USiC) DON: The Jack Beruny Program is written by Sam Perrld, Milt Josefsberg, (~o~ge Bslzer, John Takabe~u~y a~ produced and tran~oribed by Hilliard Marks. ~" Jack Benn7 Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike -- product of ~he AmerJcsn Tobacco Co~paay -- AmericaTs l_ead~ ~anufacturer of cigarettes. JO t~T).IO1 0 1 B34-,¢4.
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PROGRAM #22 REVISED SCRIPT A~ERISAN TOBACCO C0~AI~Y LUCKY STRI-~ THE SACK BENNY PROOEg~ SUNDAY~ FEBRUARY 8~ L953 OBS (TRANSCRIBED FEB. !, 1953) (FILM SPRINGS~ CALIFORNIA) &:OO - )+:%O PM PST \
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T~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM -A- SUNDAY~ February 8, 1953 (Transcribed Febr~ary l~ 19~3) CPENINO CO~R C IAL DON: THE JACK BENNY PROSEAK ... TRANSCRIBED AND PRESENTED BY LUCKY STNI~! .... (PAUSE) .... ~y, friends~ one thing is certainly true about cigarettes. Not~hln - ao~ beats better taste, And remember ,,, COLLINS: Luckies tmste better~ CHORUS: Cleaner~ fresher, smoother! COLLINS: Luckies taste better~ CHORUS: Cleaner~ fresher~ smoother~ Lucky Stri~e mea~s fine tobacco Rieher-tas~ng fine tobaoco~ COLLINS: Luekles taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner~ freshsr~ smoother~ Lucky Strike ,.. Lucky Stri~e[ DON: ~gs is Don Wilson. itm sure yout]l agree that It'~ remlly the ~ of a cigarette that gives yo~ en o~t..~. ~.~ Yes~ for real deep-down smoking en~ovment ~ - ~o nothln~ - heats better taste, And Luekies zaste better ~. cleane~ ~nd fr@sheP and smoother~ One reason for that better taste is LS/V~'T - Lucky Strlke means fine tobaeco~ Yes~ the famous Lucky. Strike taste begins with f~ne~ light~ naturally mild tobacco~ that has a wonderful aroma a~d a taste ~hatls evez bette~. Besides~ Luckles are made ~ter to taste better~ made speelfgeaglF to give ' you a eleaner~ fresher~ smoother-tasting smoke. So for real deep-down enjoyment! get Zhe better taste of Lucky Strike, Tomorrow~ ask for a carton of Luckle$. f~T~07 O~B34.4-6
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( BS PUMING S {OW) ROUTn ) -i- (AFTER COM~RCLAJ~, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: ~ LUCKY STRIKE PROGP@/~, 5TARRING JACK BENNY...WITH ~LRY !~IVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAYj BOB CROSBY, ~-ND "you~ TRULY" DON WILSON. (~PPLAUME...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: lADIES AND ~TI~N, IN~f~DZA~EZX FOI/[X)WIN6 THIS _~&DIO PROGRAM JACK WILL DO ,~NO%Y~ER TH~qSION SHOW...BUT MF~/~HIL~ LET'S TA~ YOU BACK TO &~TERDAY...L~ST NIGHT THE ,M~ OF THE BEVER~ HII%S BEAV~RS PUT ON A PLAY AT THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM. OF COURSE~ JACK BENNY, l~q~O HAPPENS TO BE THE TREASUKEH OF T~ CLL~ Wg~ PLANNING TO GO...WE NOW FIND ROCHESTER PRESSING JACK'S TCO[EDO° ROOH: (SI~GS) PRESS IT ONCE AND P~B IT T41CE TH~N PRESS IT ONCE AGAIN, IT'S .~ A LONG~ LONG TIME. DA DA DA, DA DA, DA DA DA DA, BA DA, ll~ DA. ROCE: WELL, I GOT THE PANTS PRESSED...NOW I RETTER FINISH PRESSING THE COAT...i WONC~R WHERE MR. i~Y BOUGHT THIS ~OXEDO...IT SHOULD BE ON THE IAI~EL...YEAH, THERE IT IS...THE PEP BOYS... JACK: (COMING IN) Oh Rochester, have you finished pressing ~ny clothes yet? ROCH: YES BOSS, BUT WHO WAS T~ La~ST ONE YOU RENTED rf~HiS I,IXEDO TO? J ~CK: Why? ROCH: E~ERYTI~ I LAY TRE COAT DOWN THE ~LRMS FOLD, ~TNOI 0183~?
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BB
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-3- • . • 2 JACK: That's right Mary. J~gS-s.< ......... ~ - MARY: Did -he show you around the White House? JACK: TeE, ~ry, he was very nice to me... And Mary, remember when you saw the ~¢blto House on televislon~ that big z, oo~-1 whe~e the piano was? ~tURY : Uh huh. JA~<: ~here's a putting g~een there now....~t s ~eally nicer; ~-~ ~., ROCH: HERE'5 YOUR TIZXED0, BOSS. JACK: ;~Kelp me on with the coat, Rochester. i want to see if it still fits...~nanks. M~/Tf: 3ack~ if you wear that old tuxedo again, I'm no~ go~nEwltn you. !tls SO old fashioned now. JACK: Old fashlon~d? MARY: Yes, look how long the coat is? (LAU(~EB) JACK: Wh~t are you l~ughimg at? MARY: You lock like the vi!!an in "Th~ Drunkard". JACK: Only wh~n I we&r the cape...Now M~_~J ~- ~)9/~/: Jack, I nman it..I wouldn't be seen de~d in tb~t t~Jxedo. BOCH: OD~ [AST CD~TOI~ DIDN'T MIND. JACK: Now cut that ont..~l'm gonna weam this tuxedo and that settles it...Now Rochester, I won't bs home until -- ,,; , ~gUND: IKEt~GS ) JACK:~ I'll get ft, (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTST~PS., .RECE]TqER UP) JACK: Hello. D -k BOB: Hi d~ck, this is Bob ~ ll~te to bother you today bnt I wanted to let you know l~m on jury duty. BB
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JACK:,','~ v~u~e_ _ kidding." BOB: No, the fi~t ca,se comes up W~dnesd~y ~d it I~y last for w~eks. JACK: B~t t~ is ridic~lous. Yo~]i miss my aho~..,DidrPt yo~ tell them you work for me? BOB: Yes I dld= Jack. JA6~: Well; ~¢hy didn't you tell ~hem i6 would be a k~rdship if you bed to lose the incom~ f-~om my show? BOB: I told them~ Jack, hub ~h~t didn't work either.. JACK: %fny not? .~7 f!,' BOB:S~ _~ey pa~ more than yen do. JALE< : What? BOB:Three buck~ a day. JACK~g;&'~f~at temoora~g work is always ~igh...B~t Bob, I just can't let you miss my ~how. BOB: Well, tberets really nothing you can do about it. J~CK: Oh no, w-~t about,my contract wlt~h you? JACK:/JC~BtOp ~oking, Bob. I need you fo~ the ~how~ so I wish you'd t~y ~r.~k~ it.. BOB: Okay...~ the ,,y, J~k, did yo'a g~t %hat r~co~ ~l~d~"'~ with the Sportsmen? JACK: Why y~, Bob..It~ ~ight here~ . - . / BOB= Well play %£~ ~re y~]~l-~joy It. ,p" "- JACK: All right, I'll play it rigat now..So long, Bob. BOB: Goodbye, BB ~r,.ot 0t83~50
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J&CK: MARY: ~ACK: -5- Oh Ma~, Bob sent !he ~ record that b2 m~de with the Spertsm~n %uartet...let's play lb. Ok~y...whe~e is it? Right there by the phonograph...And pi~y it loud, ~%~r$~, so I can h~ar i~ in the other ~oom while ilm getting drassed. BB R T.~'¢O 1 011134,51
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BOB: T~ SUN lZ BP~NING, OH IIAPPY _DAY NO MORE TROUBLE~s, AND NO SY/Iv~~ .~2E GHAY ~vmLH SINCE v0U ~A!D TI{OZE WORDS TO ~ YOU ~%AID YOU LOV~ ME~ I }[NOW !T~ TRL~ MF LIFEIB COMPT_ETE~ DEAR, FOR NOW i _~1~7~ YOU. 0H HAPPY DAY~ OH LUCEX ME. qUART: T}~ MOON i~ SHININQ. 0T{ 7[~P~Y N~GHT BOB: CO'Z{ TO ME~ DARLING~ AND HOLD Z~ BO TIGHT I NEED ~£OUR LOgTNG, ~AL~, ~ES, I DO YOU SAID YOU LOVED M~,, i I{~IOW IT~B TRUE MY LIFE'~ COMPLETE, I~AR~ FOR NOW I HAVE YOU 0~ HAPPY D~, OH LUCICf ~ME. CJUART: LIGHT UP A Lb~}Tf~ 0K H~%PPY rt~Y TAKE 0~E PUFF AND WE F~0W YOU WILL S~Y LUCKTf STRIA2E I~ ~HE SM~_~ I //KE. SO ROUND A~ FIRM AND ~]I~X PACKED :TI~ BETgIER ~-~TING~ TI~T I~ A ~ACT. Oil }L~PY D_~¥, HAPP~ ~0 LDOIfY DA]{, BOB~ A LUCk'Y~ CLEAN~ l~ ~EF~51~/i, TOO A :~UCICf STF~ I~ A SMOOTHER BMOKE, IT'~ TRUE LGN~T IB THE ~MOEE FOR Y0U QU<RT: T~ ARE NO LCO~E END% NOh~ TO ANNOY ~ZL BOB: Z0 LIGHT A LUC~Tf, A ZMOKE YOUILL ENJOY OH I{APPY ~AY~ F~PPZ G0 LUOKY DAY Of~AR T & BOB: 0i[ :<iFPY DAY~ ~iPPY GO :~7Ck'~" I~76. -6- BB ~TNO~ 0~83~52
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( SEOOND ROUTDm) -7- JACK: Say Mary, that Was very good...and it ~as thoughtful of Bob to get the Sportsmen to do it with him. MARy: It sure ~as...Say Jack, don't you think it's about time ~e left fo~ the school auditorium? JACK: Yes, we haven't got much tlme...Rochester, get ~ ~r out of the ga~ge..~-'~/~_~/~4~x 5/ ROCH: YOU CAN'T USE TF~ CAR, BOSS, A NAIL WENT T}~OUGH ONE (~ T~ TIRES. JACK: 0R. ? "~./ ROCH:ZJ~ TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY SUCH OHFAp TIRES. JACK: Rochester, the most expensive tire in the world can be punctured by a r~ll. ROCH: A F ING~qNAIL? JAOE: Well, what did you touch it for?..Alw~ys testlng...Now ~het're ve gonn~ do? ~4 MARy:~#%~(ve got my car outside. JACK: Okay, we'll go in you~s.~.Come on. MARY: Goodbye, Rochester. ROCH: G00~BYE. JACK: Goodbye. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.,.DO~R OPENS & CLOSES... FOOTSTEPS ON OEME~T) MARY: J~ok, ~aan,t that a nice song Bob sang? -. JACK! Yeah. MAI~Y: (SING~ T~ SUN IS SHINING, OH K~PPY DAy. JACK: (SINGS) THEY MAy CUT TA~ES, I F~L SO GAy, ~% DA DA, DA I~, DADADA, I~%, I~. MARY: Oh look, J~ok, here COmeS Dennis on 8 bloyole. (SOU~D: FOOTSTEPS STOP) RU ATH01 0183~53
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JACK: Where? D-~I~NIS ~H~llo, Mary. JACK: HJ DENNIS : JACK: D~IS: MARY: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DEN~S : JACK: DENNIS: MARy: -8- Hello. t&~. Benuy. Hello, kid. ~e were just leaving for the ~chool audltorium.. amen~t yoa gonr~ nee the Beverly Yills Beavez~s put on their play? Oh, sure..but it's such a nice night I thought I:d ~Ide over on n~ new bicycle, Oh, ts that a new one, Dennis? Yeah, I ~on it last night on a quiz program. On ~ quiz program.~ .... Gosh, you're really lucky. Yeah. Was it a ]~rd question? Oh no, it ,~as easy. The m~n polluted a~ me and said, "Would you pay ~ hundred dollars for this bicycle?" Y said, "Yes" so i gave him the hundred dollars and he gave me the bicycle. Dennis -- i a~ost ~on a -~ef~igerator but g dldntt b~ve enough money. Look kid, did th~ Master of Ceremonies of this cuiz program have a little he~mer in his h~nd? Uh huh. DeDnis, you were at an ~uction. JACk: ~ Certainly...and all those people crow@~ed arDund ~e~e bidding. Now come on, we bet,,e, g~t to'the school aadltori~m DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: MARy : RU Okay. By the Wey, Dennis, did yoa ask your mother If yoa cotdd go duck hunting with me again next ~eek? yeah. Der~uis, I dldnTt }a%ow you go with Mr. Benny on his hunting t~Ios. ~I'HO~ 0183~54
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-9- DENNIS: Oh sure, !'m his retriever. MARY: , you m~an ~hen he shoots, you bring back the ducks? DRNN!S: No, when he misses, ! have to b~i!~g back the buckshot. JACK: All righ% all rlght..No~ Dennis, leave your bicycle here ~]~d co]he with ~s. DENNTS : O_~y, (SCHOOL TRANSITION MUSIC) (SoDfD: CROWD ~DiSES) JACK: Say~ this school aadltori~m really is i~cked...but ~e got pretty ~ood ssats, didn't we, M~ry'," ~RY:~ These ~e flne...~ight in the center~-: JACK: DEh~!3 : JACK: DL~NNIS : JACK: DF/~I3 : JACK: STUFFY: JACK: S %D~FFY: JACK: JACK: STUFFY_: RU Can yo~ see ~ll z, ight, Dennis? No. Well~ Why don~t you ask that ~n in front of you to take off his bat? It isn't his. What? It's m~ne, ! put it there. 14ell, ~ako it off, and be quiet. (NHIS~ER) Hey, Mr. Benny..MI~. Bera%y. Oh hello, Joey..Is eve~hlng ~ead~ back-stage for ~oum show? Uh huh. Ar~ the kids ne.~v~us? Yeah, a little bit. Well, ~ood luck. Th~r~s, Mr. Be_r~7..znd by the W~y, ;ou~il be ~ppy to ~o~ that ,~e~e almost so3d o~t of popcorn. ~T~O] 0;B3~S5
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JACK: STUFFy: MARY : JACK: STUFFY: JACK: -lO- Good, good, Now Dush the lemor~de...Co ahead. Ok~}-,. you know, Niss LivinEstone, tonight welre going to do a take-off on Mr. Ber~ny's radio show. I kno~. $~y, Joey..did you flr~lly get a fat k~_'d to pgay Don Wilson? Uh huh, Good, good..~[o~¢ SDuTd bstter hurry, you~IZ be late.. Well, N~z~, it wonlt be long now befor~ the show starta. MARY: Gee, i hope the Besvers really do a good-- JACK: (~'HISP~RS) ~ey Y~ry..M~11y. M&RY : Huh? JACK:Don~t look now but there's a ~dy across the aisl~ ~ho keeps starin~ at me. I guess she reoo~nizes me. MARY: Wh~re? J~CK: Shh, her~ she cemes. GLORT~: Pardon rae, but ~o~ld you be good enomgh to give me ,~our autograph? / JACK ~l&;~ Certainly. / (SOUi~: f~ SCRATOHING) JACK: There yoa a-~e. GLORIA : Th~k you...You ~ere ~ondsrful in 'EThe Drunkard." JACK: }~m~m. MARY:I told you not to wear tb~t c~pe. ~ACK. Irll tske it off, b~e~e~-}:t-i~r~D~-~ ~gn ~ You know, M~ry, this idea of the little kids doing my radio p~oggam is ~ea!ly ~zleveY,, isn't it? going ~p. RU
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-ll- JACK: Yeah, ye~hJ (SONEg: mm~AIN OP~S) J JACK: And !ook,~hey've even got a kid orchestra. MARY: Qulet~ here they go. (F~m PIN~ VERSION OF_ ~) FRANK: TRS JAC~ BENNY ~RCGEAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..W!TH M~.RY LIVINGSTONE, ROCKESTER. DENNIS DAy, BOB CROSB¥~ A~ "YOURS tfRULY" DON WILSON, (APPIAUSE' .FIV~ pIECE TR~ME UP AND DOWN) FRANK: AND NOW, iADY/S A~D GENTLF~ ! ~OULD LIKE TO BRING yOU q~HE STAR OF OUR SHOW..A MAN ~q{O STILL ~S THE FIRST DOLIAR RS EVER FARNED..NOT BECAUSE RS'S C~EAp~ ~JT BECAUSE yOU CAN'T SF£ND CC~F~UERATE MU~-~/.. ,AND HERE HE IS...JACK BENNY. (APPrAUSE) PETER: Th~nk you, thauk you, t~%nk you...Hello a~, this is Jack Bemm¥ ~lklng..And Don, did yoa think ap that ~troductlon all by yourself? FRAhv£: (lAUGHING) Yes I did, Jack, and I thought ~t ~as ve~-/ furm_y. P~ZF~: Oh, yo~ did, eh? FRANK: Yes. (IAUG-~ LOUD AND LONG) PET~I~: Don. .Don. .Blubber Boy..Tske it ~asy..The last time yo~ shook like that you got a proposal from Hilo ~ttle.. ~nd another thlr~, Don....Oh, hello, M~ry. BEVERLY: Hello, J~ok...Hi y~, Don. Say ~y, I called you last night but yo~ l~id said you • T~tls ~ight. I went to the [~seball ~m~ ,~ith Van Johnson. Thzt was nice. Who won? RU
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ERIC : RU ~12- EEVEKLy: ~"nen you're with Van Johnson, who watches the ~ane? _~ANK: F~ry, what's this you dropped on the floor? ~,~VERLy: ~%~t? Oh, tLh~t's ~ letter i got from Mama. PETER: ?~ola ~,our mothe.~, eh?..what does the *'Third Dimension" of Pi~infle~d have to say? BEVERLY: (iAUC-HI~G) I~l! ~?ead it to yOU. . (CLEARS TP~T)..o?~ DARLING DAUG}L~ER ~RY...JUST A FEW LINES TO LET YOU ZN~ T~AT ICE APE ALL WELL...THE WEATHER IS NICE HERE NOW, BUT AS YOU PROIABLY READ IN T}~ PAPNR~ LAST MONTH WE I£~D ~N AWFUL BLIZZARD A~[D "WHEN YOUR FATHER C~24E IN FROM T~ BARN, HIS MIiZ3~G HA~D WAS FRO~[. PETER : Gee. N~Y: I HOPE IT THAWS OUT SO[~ AS ~D LIKE TO GET T~ COW OD~ OF THE ?-0USE. PETER: I don~t blame them. JACK: (WHIS~ER) Bay Mary~ ~tha~ ~ittle gi~l is a z~tural born Sctress. MARY: ('6}~SpZR) Yeah..she went right on ~eading the letter, ~ven though her bloomers were slipping down. JACK: Yeah. BEVerLy: NO OTHER NEWS S0 WII~ CLOSF NOW..WITH LOVE..YOUR LOVIND MOTI~R, ~VA MA. PETER: You k~ow, ~y, your mothem~a letters get better all the time. But let's get on with the show,.Oh BOb..NI]B CEOSBY. I'M ~-ALKING TO YOU. ~7m, l~m sorry, .~ck...I didn't ln~az~ you. hi 7" ~0 "~ 0~83~58
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~ARRY: pETER : BEVERLY: RU -13- pETER: Didn't hea~, me? ERIC: No, I,ve been rebearslng the band and my ears are 8~III folded. PETER: 0h...Say, Bob, I meant to ask you~..did you learn how to pmono~mce that word yet? ERIC: I think so. PETER: Let me hear you say it. ERXC : Marunashevavlt z. ERTER: Well,, keep tzving~ Bob, you don't ~nt to disgrao6 you~ ~ife and ~e children. pRANK: ~y Jack? PETF2: What is it, Don? FRANK: I think this fellow has a telegram fo~ ?ou. PETteR: Well, ~b~t~ he ~aiti~g for? Oh boy..boy. RAERy : yesssss. PETER: Oh fi~e. A~e 7o~ from Westel~- Union? ~ERY: ~/no do ~ou think ! am ~Ith this u/%ifo1~, Nelson Eddy? PES~q: Never mind, just give me the message. ~AERY: ~e~e you are. PETER: And h®re~s a tip for ~ou. ~AERY: ~h boy, a nickel...Now I can send my father through college. PE~: ~y, lTve had t~ouble with you bereave. %Wharfs the ~tter with you, do yo~ enjoy aggravating me? Oooooooooh, do I. (S~OND: DOOR SLAM) ~/mn..No~ let's see..I wondem ~ this telegram-- Jack, vou only gave him a nlekel tip~..Thatts the cheapest th~ I eve? heard of. ~rHO'l 0~83~%9
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-14 - PETER: M~ry~ be quiet oi, you~il be known as Nylon Nellie et the May ~omp~ny.. And no~, !~dios and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, ,~e are going to-- STUFFY_: Hello, M~, Be-nny..Heile, Mary. B~VERLY: Hello, Dennis. Hey kid, Itm glad yes got iner*e, because itTs t~/ue for 7our-- Wait a mlnut~, I~nnis, look at me. STUFFY: Huh? pETER: DeD~is, this is the first time I ever saw you wearing glasses A?e your eyes had? STUFFY: I'1o. PETER: Then wh~ a?e 2-o~i wea~ir~ ~hose gl~sses? STUFFY: My uncle died and l~ft them to me. PETER: Yoil~ iLnc~e? Oh, tt~t~s a shame. 5TUgi~f: Yeah, I oan:fi see a da~n thing with them. PETE~: Well, for heavenls sakes, kid~ if you csnTt see with them, take them off. Just because somebody leaves you something in a will, ~uourPe not compelled to use ifi. STUgFY: I'm not? PETER: /No. j ZTUFFY~ Z~ "wsa~t~buy a set of teeth? pETteR: Now cut that out...And t~ke off those glasses; it's time for your song. STUFFY: Okay. ~ile youT~e singing, ytm golng out in the b~ll and get a candy bs.~ oat of the machine. (APPLAUSE) EU ~TMO'I 0183~60
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( II~TRJ ) -15- N014 CIAI~(]Y ~rAb A P~$m%~JL F_%N~ iF Yo9 imiO%f ]£~.T I ~A~L T~ tlJPL AZ~]I~i]D UP TI~3 P,_-EOES Ab~I]~ 01A~CY lJ~ Tiff2 ~E~. ~ NE%CX~ L0C~ FOR ~ROIF~LE, T!IAT'S A .?ACT %'UU 6t%~ ASSU~3 BU~ ~IET~R THE L]~S~ ~,ff~ TROUBLE WOULD PP~b OLANCY ~ERED ~ ~OOM. ~HEIT~/~ T].~/ &0T }{I~ IRIbH UP: ~LA~CY Do~%ED T]{E ~00M, BOOM, BOOF., B00~ B00~i B00~ BOOM BOOM. • _~m~,' [,~I{}HBOR~ ALL ~7~D OUT ~OR ~'~-~ O,CRAD~S ~,~EDDING NZCHT. M~.CEOUGAL ~.ZD~ "I~I~ ~V~ ~O~IE YUI{, I Tr~_~ff2 I~L.Y, START A FIGHT! i, I{E ~FRECKED TI{E HALL, ~yJ~I~ }~SbED T~ ~ZIT~ AND PULVERI~D ~ G_RCO~I. ~[EN ~IIOK A5 A ~I~(~ BEF3RE YOU ¢~ULD T_{II<]( C~_~b~/ IL~D THE ~]o~. OH T!{AT 0LA]~b~/~ ~ff{ T}{AT ~LA~CY N}iEN~V~ ~_ CO-~ ]{IS Ig-~bH UP; 0IAI~CY IwW]~RED TI{E BOOM, W~N]z~f]~ ~B~/ GOT '_4X~ IRISH UP 0LA}[OY LO'~ERED THE BOsoM ~00M P~OM ~00M ~00M BOOM BOOM BOOM ~0M (SURE tTWAb ~ M0L~. BI~.U~IFUL SI~-~ YOU EVf~ ~ID SEE ~N CIA-~CY (APPIAU&E)
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-- ]I6 - (SOD~D: 9h~4 F00TSTEPS) FETER: ~ne.~e's ~he candy machLne ... oh~ tmre it is ... Now let's see ,,. They've go~ Hersheys ... Circus Peanuts ... Life Savers ... Babe Ruth ... a~d Milk7 DiD ... I thiD/~ IIll get that one ... e Milky Dip, ~ARRy: Hey, bud ,.~ b~d. PETER: Huh? HAp/~y: Come h~e a m~m_ute. PETER: Who, ~e? i{A~: yeah. ~rnatcha doin'? PETEE: lrm getting some candy. F~RRy: %~st kiD/i? PETER : A Mil~ DiD, HARRY : Uh-uh. PETE~ : What? HARRy: Get a Me~sh~y Bar. FETER: Why a He?shey Bar? HAR~Y: In this hot weather nothlr~ ~lns llke chocoiete. PETER: But I ~ant s _Milky Dip, ~qRy: Milky Dip hasn't got s chance. PETER: What are ~ou talking shout? Milky Dip not only has chocolate on the outside, but it has oreem in the oenter. 'J~ERY: qSust~s whatIll give you the trouble, PETER: What? HAREY: C~esm is herd to her~!e unless you "~hip it. 7~T~R: Gee, I never thought of that. You reell~ th~ Z should get a Ks?shay Bap? HARRy: Csn~t miss ,.. Look st the Issz performanoe. TK
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-17- :~A~: Yeah. Comin{ out of the machine, Hersttey was boxed .~n by Life Saver, but got through the hole. P#~TER : Really? Y~Y: And Life Bsvex~ was the f!avorite. ~%TER: Well, I don% know ,.. I~nl still goons -- WaIL a minute, I Dmow whet I'll do ,.. I~ll get ALmond Joy. ~u~d ~ osrweet them es an entry, HARRY: 0kay, it's your dollar. MARy: (WHISPV~) Wasn't he cute~ Jack ,.. just llke the tout on JACK: (WHISPEES) yeah. BEVERLy: (CALLING) Hurry up, Jack, Dennis has f~nished his soug, PETER: 0ksy~ Mary. (SOD~D: ~%W FOOTST-~PS ,.. DOOR OPENS) BEVERIX: What took you so lor~, J~ck? PETER: Oh, T ~.sn into thst mace track tout.~" Now where were we? BEVERLY: We,re ~u_oposcd ~o st6rt oua, ~kecch. Oh, yes . .. Weil, hold it ,~ second, kids ,.. hefoz~e we start, I want to c,~ll Rochester. (SOUND: P~CErqER ~TP, ..CLICK CLICK OF' ~Erv72,.. FADING TO BUZZ BUZZ) ~T~01 0183~63
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PA~q~Y : Oh, Mabel? SANDY: ~fm~t is it, Gert~dc? PATTY: Mr. BennTts 1~ne is f~_ashi~, SANDY: I ~onder ,2mat ~ Sbmoe of Kil!amanj~ro wa~ now, PATTY: ~ell, Zrll ~nswa~ $~ ~d ~ind out, (SOUND: pLUG IN) PATT~': He!lo, FE~mER: Hello, Gert~e~ ~11! yo~ tr~ to get jne Rochester± p!esse? PATTY: J~st a ~oi~e~; Blue ~yes. (SOL~D: ~TEJG OUi') PATTY: ,~e ~ants I ~h~Jld g~et hi~ ,Rochester, SAI~DY: Ztts a good thin~ he talked to ~ou. ZTd~ hung ~p o_a h~. P~.TTY: ~Ahy? E ~t ~nd~t~i it . .. I even ~ough_t my l~_ps up close to hi~ like this. ~ATTY: Well, ao wo1~de~ he didn't kis~ you. SANDY~ What? ~Y: l've ~een ~ be~er pucke~ oa ~ c~o~ed laundry bsg, (SoL~h CLiCK~ CLICK, CI~ICK) ~ETER: Operator ... operator, ,get me Roohe~er, (SOU~: CLICK CLICK CLI~£) pATTY: Ye~ Mr, Be~- . .. l'm r~_nglr~ £o.~ ysu. ~K ~]~0 1 0IB34-64-
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W AI~ER : PE~!R : WALT~ : PETEE : WALTER : PETER: ~[A DYER : PETER : WALTER : WALTER : YE~ : WALTER : PETER : -qg- 14r. Be#/~y~s yesidenoe, stsP of stage, scremn~ r£dio~ television, aP~ get 7our income bax filled out b7 the man who .knows. Nover mind that, Roci~sts#. Oh, itrs you, Boss. Yeah ... Did the man from the used car lot comb around to buy my car? Well, did you tell hLmthe p#ice was a thousand dollars? bb_h~_h ... but ~ told me that the used car market hes dropped sol~ iu the ]a~t few days. Oh ... what did he offer you? Seven fifty. weml, ziL~t _~ u SO bad; YOU Otughta see where the decimal poLnt i~" No~, Rochsster, stop belr~ on his side o.. You ~now as well as i do that the car is worth a thousand dol3ars. ~E, BOSS, COME NCW! All ri~qt, sll right ,.. Well, tell the man ilm not selling it anT~sy, ~nd come down ho tl~ st~dlo and plok me up. GO00000000OOOOOOD-B~, (SOUND: ~ECEI~ERDOWN) TK 6 ]D{O ! 0 7 8.~4b_.
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-20- BEVERLY: J~ck: you were on the p~e so Long, we haven't got time to do the plsy. PETER: I don't know~ you tl~g to put on ~ progr-~m, End something glways naDDens ... Play, Bob. J~CK: LEMONAI]E, GET YOUR LEMONADE IN T}~ LOBBy. MARy: Jack.: jACK: Oh, Itm sorrg. (APPLAUSE & pIAyoF~) JACK: Ladies ~nd gentlemen~ i'll be beck in a minute to teJ& ~÷ou about ~ tel~vlsiD~ SI%0~ which goes on im~ediatel~ after this program ... But first,-~ ~ $0 cigarette smokers ,.. n~ -- no~ ~ -- bsats better teste,t " ~nd r~msmber .... 8]'>(0"I 0'183a66
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(APPLA~E) DON: Ladies end gentlemen, the flood of increased enmollmeuts ~ our schools will create a oritloal situ~tio~ withlr. the next few years unless action is taken now. By haklug an interest in our schools all of us can heip make suPe %hat the community we llve in gets the best education fo~ the reopen It spends and provides hhe best posslbi~ educational opportuDitles 2or our children. So please ~oin and woyk with local olvlo ~roups and school boards. Remember, bstte~ schools b'aild e stronger nms~ioa. Thank ~ou. Jack wlll be bsoM ill jus~ a moment, but fiDst a ~go-~d 50 oi~ retie ~moke~s.
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THE JACK ~E~ P~OG~Ja24 ~F/3EUARY 22, 195~ (Trausc~ibed Feb. 15~ 1953) CLO~ING C OM~RC IAL COLLINS : CHORUS : COLLINS : CHORDS : C OILINS : 0Y.ORUS : DON: SPORTSMEN QUARTET: Luckles taste betterJ Cleaner, fresher, smoother~ Luckles taste better~ Cleaner, fr@sh~r, smootber~ For Lucky Zt~ike means fine tobacco Richer-tast~Z fine tobacco! Luckies taste better~ C~eaz~r, f~es~r~ s~ooLher! !~ck~y Str~xe ... Lucky St~e~ Surely it's t~ic, friends, that you'll ~et more eu~nuent from a cigarett~ that tastes bother. Fact i~, in cigarette smoking, nothin~ - ~9, nothi~c~beats better taste. And i uckies taste better .... cleaner, and fresher and smoother. No wonder ~ nation-wide survey, based on actu~l student ~ntervlews ~ 80 leading colleges reveals ~bmz more smokers in these ~olieges prefer Luckles than ahy otheT Oigs~ette! And ~h~? Well, ~he runfoe~ one reason Zhe students gave for smoking Luokles was ... better taste~ Now, friends, ~o~, [~o~i 7ourself ~i~ ~ure to find that Luokles taste getter ... cleaner, fresher and smoother ap~ because they d~ taste better Luckies will b~in~ you the deep-down en~o~nt every smoker wants. So be haDp7 -- go Lucky ... tomorrow ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy -- go Lucky Get better taste today! (IDNG CLOSE) R T ;',¢o ] 0183,$68
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(TAO) / JA~-S/~dl~s- ~-n~ ~,e:~'cl6n~n~-Tws~t~" to-thsr~ yot~v~m~c~ for ~stening s~d in just thirty seoonds I~iI be ~oing my tel~islon show on the entire C .B.S. network. In the \ mesnti/e- - \ DENNIS: Oh, Mr. BarOny,-- JACK: yes, Dermis. DEk~I8: What are you doing on your television show? JACK: I'm doir~ my version of "Dr. JekTll and M~. Hyde. D~Y$: I neve~ beard of it. JACK: Dennis! Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HFde is one of the most famous clesslcs of ~II time. It's about s man who drinks something which cha~s his entire ~rsor~lity .., And ~u know who wrote 1~? DENNIS: Frank Remley. Y~OK: He'dld not ... I'll see you on television, fg~kS,~ e few , (APPIALSE & MUSIC) ~ :-" The Jsck Benny Sho~-~e~%~ht was w21tten by Milt Jos~fsherK, John Teokeberry, AI Gordon, Hal Ooldm~n, 8n~ produced and trsnscrlbed by Hillisrd Ms,ks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. TK The Jack Benny Program was brought to you b~ Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company ... America,s leading manufacturer of cigarettes. RTHO 0 83 69
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(THIRD ROUTINE) JACK: Oee~ NELSON: JACK: ~EL: JACK: MEL: JACK: ~EL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MARY: DON: BOB: SACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: JACK: -18- ITd like to thank the that was really wonderful. G~ladalaJara Trio. You can talk I;c that f eilow over there..hers ~n charge ef them. 0h...Pardon me.,are you associated with the Guadalajara Trio? Si~ Si~nor,,l am their part time mar~ger, Oh~ Just part tlme.,what do you dc the rest of the tlme? -~ I turn on the sprlnklsrs at the E1 Doacho de la Sol. ~..weli~ that do~sn!t seem li~e much for ~ man to do. Earlier in the program I w~s a horse. A horse? (WHIN~f) I zheenk, We]l~ come on~ ids. w be ter ge~ going. (SOI~D: HOOF B~:~TS ) When are we germs get to camp ~ Jack? Yeah~ w~ should have been there an ho~ ago. Maybe ~e'~e going in the wrong direction. Ye~i~ ~ybe we~r~ lost. f I~m not. Yo~lPe ~ot? NO~ g stil~ ~ee the s~me spots ~n fro~t Of my eyes. Oh, qulet,°.l wonder where we are~up and ask tbe guide,. (SOUND: HORSES ROOFS) Let~s see..there he is up on the hors~ in fro~t. (SOUND: FEW MORE HOOFS)
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~I9- JACK: Pardon me ch longer l~ntll we get to the camp? RUBIN: I donrt Nnow. JACK: Wel] ~ how much farther is it? RUBIN: i don't know. JACK: Well~ are we going in the right direction? ROBIN: I don~t know, JACK: You don~t know anythlng~ are you the gulde? RUBIN: I'm a jockey~ I made a wrong turn at Santa Anita. JACK: Oh for heaven's sakes. (SOUND: HOOFBEATS C0~ING UP) ~[~RY:~DJd he say we were going in the right ~irectlon? g JACK: He ~ee~:t knowt but if we ~ta~on t~he tra~i~e c,~ntt rgdss. ~ ° ~.~-- ......... Ga~_C~ g ahtin~tuu~my_ NELSON: '~-Three~. hours after we bull8 the fiire~// do We nave ~o~it so long? JACK: Thr e'e~ hour s~. 7,'ny ~ / N~LSON: Youtll ~'u%~ to 5e oatlent./~he cook is new and this is , - /y the first time-~els/~ worked out in the open. JACKI Oh~ he worked io/~'hotel? NELSON: No~ a pr "-~ \ ,TACK: Pr~ %oa,/ "-. NELSON: /~ou s" hould taste his angel £oo)'~e with the saw insld~. JACKt y/ l'm no_~t inteTested in his an.el ~.~, ~e.ar t ot_~r / steaks. ~- ~ (TRANSITION MUSIC) ~eeI kldsI ws-~a~~e~ b~ild a fire, V~ne~ we barbecue these steaks vo~ll be glad you went o~ thi~ trip,
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DON: ~ARY: BOB: DENNIS: NELSON: JACK: DON: SACK: MARY: JACK: BOB: JACK: DENNIS : ,TACK: JACK: YouTre responsible for this steak ride. yon to have ~atehes. h~LSON: Well~ I always Forget something. JACK: What? NELSON: Last time I forgot the steaks. SACK: Well~ that settles it .. MEL: (ENGLISH NEIGH) (APPLAUSE & PLAYOFF) -20- Oh boy~ look at those steaks .. 3 ean:t wait till they're ready. Gee~ they look wonde~fttl. They suFe do. Oh, ~oy~ WelI~ live got &ll the twigs and the wood and the paper and everything ready to make the fire °, -who's got a match? ~tch, ma~ch ,. Don i~ve him a match. i haven't got oneI Jack. Mary~ have you got a match? No. Y ~a~ got one el~r. Holy smokg ~ ~a~t a minute .. Dennis, didn't I give you a book of matches? That was last Christmas. Weil~ look~ Mister~ ~--~~. itts up to Come on, Cecil, iet~s go home.
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DON: Ladies and g~nt!emen, t~e fight agalust Infantilo Paraiysis continues reientlessiy. ~ M~rch of Dimes i~s made this possible, but your contributions must keep rolling in in orde~ to continue the fight against polio, Pl~as~ send yotu~ d~1~s and dollars to your local March of Dimes Headquarters now. Join the March of Dimes. Thank you. DON: Jack "~'ill be back in just a moment, but first ... RU R],,v, Oi 0"1B34.~3
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,L -C- THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY~ February 8~ 1953 (Transcribed February i~ 1953) CLOSING CO~F~RCIAL DON: Jack will be back in Just a moment~ but first...,Nothing - no~ Dothin~ - beats better taste~ And rememher ,. COLLINS: Luckles taste better| CHORUS: Cleaner~ fresher~ smoother! COLLINS: Luckies taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner~ f~esher, smoothe~! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tast!ng fine to~acco~ COLLINS: Luckles taste better~ CHORUS: Cleaner~ fresher? smoother~ Lucky. Strike ,.. Lucky Strike~ DON: Surely ItTs true, fri~nds~ that youTLl get more from a cigarette that tast~s better. Fact is~ in cigarette smoking, nothing - no~ nothing - beats better taste. And LucWles taste better .,. cleane~ and fresher and smoother. No wonder a natlon-wlde survey~ based on actual student interviews in 80 leading eolleges~ reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer Luckies than any other cigarette~ And why? The number one reason the students gave for smoking Luckles was .., better taste~ Now~ frlends~ I know vo~uxourself are sure to find that Luckies taste better .. cleaner~ fresher~ and smoother and because they do taste better Luckles will bring you the deep-down enJoFment every smoker wants. So be happy -- go Lucky ... tomorrow ask for a carton of Lucky Stzlke~ SPORTS~ Be happy -- go Lucky ~EN QUARTET: Get better taste today~ <LONG CLOSE) R]'~O'! 0 'l B 34.;~
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JICK: Ladies snd gentlsmen~ next week we will also be b~oad- castin~ from Palm 8prlngs end o~r g~est star will be Bing Crosby ~ • w~ felt that we should have something to brighten up the program and if Bin~ wear~ his usual ~hlrt, that1!l d~ it ,~ An~ also -- Boa: Say Jack~ is my brother Bing r~ally ~onna be on? JACK~ Yes. BOBc ~ ~ Well~ ~f e~ go.ha ~l~g a ~on~t he'll h~ve to ch~n~e his~-e~ he so~nds too m~eh like ~e. J~C~: ~e~ll ~han~e it, he'll change ~t .. ~e~dntght, ~. <s%2PLAUSE AND ~IUSIC) DON: The ~a~k Benny P~ogram is written by ~am P~r~inI !~±lt Josefs~e~ George P~lzer~ Joh~ T~ek~berry~ a~d p~oduced and transcribed by Hllliard ~J~a~ks. B~ sur~ to he~r the American "~y .. wlth Horace Heidt for Lu~ Strike every ~l'~sday ove~ th~s same station. Consult yo'al, newspaper fo~ the time. The Jack B~nny ~ogram has been brought to you by Luck~ Strike~ product of the American Tobacco Company., A~er~ca~s ~_q. r2~n~faet~2"er of ~lgare~tes.
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PROGRAM ~23 REVISED SCRIPT AXER!CAN TOBACCO CO~ANY LUCIT/ STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAE SUNDAY, FEBRUARY I~ 19~ CS8 k:O0 - b~]O P~ PST (TRANSCRIBED FEB. 4. 19~q) P, T V¢O l 0'1 [43g. 26
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Y~ JAC~ BZNL~I PRO~RA~ -A- ~D~Y~ FEBRUARY i% ~9~3 (TRANSCRZSBD F~U~RY ~ 19~3} ~PENIN~ CO~£~2CiAL DON: THE ,~GK BEN~ F~OGB~ ~.~ TR~NSCRI-~ED ~D PRE~ENTED BY LUC~f STR~KE! ... ~ou ~ow~ frlend$~ n~thi~g - n o~ nothin~ - be~s better taste~ A~d ~eme~be~ .... COLL~NS~ Lu~kles t~ste better~ ~ORUS: C~eaIL~r~ f~esher~ smoother~ COLLINS~ Luckies taste ~b~tter! CHORUS: Cl~an~r~ ~r~she~ s~oo~ Lnc~ ~tr~k~ means f~ne t~ba~co ~che~-tastln~ fine to~acc~ COLLYNS~ Lu~ki~ t~s~e better! CHORUS: Cle~ne~ ~esher~ smoo~he~ Lucky ~t~ke ~.. Lucky ~trike~ DON: ~Tni~h ciga~ett~ ~s the ~ght on~ fo~ ~oq~? That~ ~asz. • h~ ~ne that tastes ~ ~. b~<~use a better ~stln~ ~igar~tt~ will g~ve yo~ mo~ ~ That~ ~ht~ ~th~ng~ ~ ~othing b~a~s bett~ taste~ ~nd ~u~k~e~ taste bet~e~ ~., C~ea~e~ and ~'2~she~ and ~o~h~. H~re~s why - f~st ~f all~ Luek~es are ma~ ~f flne~ ~ght~ ~aliF ~ild tobacco. Yes~ LS/~T - Lucky ~tr~ m~ans fine tobacco. Then~ too~ Luek~es ar~ ma~ ~ to ~a~te better ,,, I~ade round ~n~ fi~m an~ fu~!y packed to d~w f~eel~ a~d smok~ !v~nly °°. m~de to give yo~ a clea~ fre~he~ smoother-tasting s~oke. ~o~ friends .. for the one ~hln~ yo~ w~nt ~ost in a cigarette ... fo~ the b~tte~ ~aste that br~g~ ~ater ~k~ng ~n~oy~em~ - ~ h~p~y - ~o L~ekY~ ~ke your next¸ ~ton ~.~ L~ck7 St~Ake~ ~7;~0~ 0;834t77
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THE JACK BENNY ~ROGRAM S~JNDAY, FEBRU~IY !~, i9.~3 (T~N~CRIBED FEBRU~Y 4~ 19~3J OPsNiNG ~.O~/NEECIAL (CO~T~D. COLLINS: Luckles ~aste better! CHOBL~: Cleaner, fresher~ smoother2 Lucky Strike ... [.uck7 Stzlke! DON: The Luc~/ Strik~ program starring ...,
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{FIRST ROUTINE) -]- (~FTER CSM~E~CIAL~ ~USIC UP AND DOWN) DON: BROADCASTING FgS~ THE ~ICAN LESION HALL IN PALM SRRINSS~ CALIFOBNIA...T~ LUCKY STEI~ PBOGRA~L .ST~RING JACK BENNY.. WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER~ DENNIS DAY~ BOB CROSBY~ AND "YSITR8 TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE..~751C ~$P AND DOVrN) DON: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLE~f~N~ ! f~ING IOU A ~N ~g~-S~ AFTER ONE WEEK IN T~PALM SFRINGS BL%S BECS~ A PiCTI~E SF HEALTH. HE @AS ON TF~ GOLF COUP~BE TUESD&Y, ~DI~$DAE, THg~SDAY AND FRIDAY LOOKTNS g'OR THE BALL HE LS8T ON MONDAY. AND HERE HE IS...JACK BENNE.~ (APPLAUSE) JACK: Thank you, thank you~ thank you..Eello agaln~ this IS Jack Benny talking. And ~-owI ladies and gentlemen, since this is our second week ~n-- DON: ~Wait a minut~ gatE, waltZ. .rACE: Huh? DSN: Jack~ did you really lose ~ golf ~all? JACK: Certainly, Don. I even asked you to heir me 10ok for it all over the desert. A~d now~ ~.ad~s and g~ntlemen~ since this Is our second week In-- DON: g~ $ac s~omethgng tells m~ you tricked me. JACK: ~ Tricked you~. DON: Yes. As we were coming past Rogers Stable yo~ said~ "Do~ you'll ~ever find the ball hhat way~ stoop over." I did~ you threw a saddle on me and for the rest of the day tried to pent me out fol, a dollar and a quarter a~ hour, ~ T."WO J O 183~29
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! ~Z J
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PROGRAM #25 F~VIS~ SCRIPT A:,~RI TOBACCO CO~ LUCEY STRIEE ~E JACK ~NNY PROG~M SUN~Y~ ~IARCK i, 1953 CBS 4:00 - $:30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBED FEBRUARY 18, 1953) BR 8T~01 0183482
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i~L~CH I, 1953 (t~a~cribe~ February ~, i~3i Cleane~ Freshe~ ~oothe~! Lucky St~ik~ ... Lucky Str~ke! MUSIC : ( YROGR~ T~ UP ~ D0~) ~T~O1 0~3~g3
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_ •~--~-- ~ ............. (FIRST ROUTINE) -1 (AFT~R C0~RCIAL~ MUSIC UP Ah~ HEWN) ~ LUCKY STR~E9 P~oc~AM, STARRING JAC2< P~E~3TY...~¢Z2H ,.~:~Y LIVING3T01~E~ ROCP~$TER, DENNI~ '~-Y, BOB C~0~BY~ ~I~D 'ryouRs TRUL~S DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC U~ AND DOWN) DON : LADIES AND GENTI~N...LAST MONEY JACK NENh~/ TOOK T~ SUPEH-C~IEF TO ~[ k~RK TO ATTEhD THE TESTIMONIAL DINneR GIVEN ~Z 'Z~ ._~R_ IARS CLb~ IN HONOR ON BOB ~0PE. LRT'~ IDOK IN ON E~AS HE ~ACKS FOR T~ TRZF NI~S ~'~ ~ 0F RO CI<I~S[~R. , 1 , JACK,~/~b~'tbimk I better take some mc~e ~a~m clotbln~., .I~ gets p~sbty co]i in Ne~ York ~t fib~s $ime of the ye&~. n0CK: ,;ACE: ROCK: JACK : ROCK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ~I3OH; JACK: ROC~ : ~E5 SIR..I'VE ~J~R~DY_ PUT IN ~OUR LONG UNI~-AR. Go~d., .T also ~nt ~y bsavy ~oo~-en S~x. b?~ KLq~, h~vy ~uit. ~OT IT. A couple of ~hick ~-weabe~s. 0H }Y~. My bat, and my woolen scarer. ~S SIN. i~fs...sheepskin-lined coa~...~nd £ur lined ~loves.. That eugh~ ta -- ~alt a minu~, Roch~ste~ wbat,s in that bag? YOU -MAy GET RUNGRY~ SO i I~[~ iN ~ME ~ALE BLUBBER. BR ~T~ol 01836Ba
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JACK: Never mind the jokes, i~etB Gold in New Yol~k...Now let% 8ee..,lL~n go~ be on the ~rain fo~ three r)8.ym..i betto~• // ROCK : ~ES ~iR. Y (SO~D: OGUP~ B~OTS~2S, • .I-~USE ...T~N OOUFr~ MORE FOOTSTEPS...A~q} W~ HEAR A E&IPJ~Y }E~AVY BOOK FALJ, ON THE FLOOR) JACK: Oh - oh...which book did ~ou d?op'? ROOK: ~ ONE ~OM T~ CALTFORNIA ~ANII. JACK: Well, watch It ns~t time .... I wonder whether I should t~ke m7 viulim.o# ~_%05. ROCH: .''z~9] PUT IT TO A VOW? JACK: Neve~ mind..Eh~ !,m not going to take it..Now Roc~hestor, if any~ wgd~t~ to contact me while i,m in New York, I~ll be at the Acme Pl~z~ Hc~sl. P~['.K : AGAIN? J-&CK: Yes, andyoudon,t l~ve to use tb~ tone of voice...they Sreat ms ve?y nice at the kcme Plazs...in fact, ~;nis time they're ~ivlng me tbm penthouse suite. ROOK: OH, T~TIS NICE...~AT,~ T~ ONE ~T I~EERLOOKS THE pARK. JACK: Neve~ mind that.. Since you ve~e there with me l~, that hotel l~s made a lot of Impo~vem~nts...You remember how evez,~[ time Z~d want to t~ko a b~th Z ~d have to stand in line? ROCK: NES ? ,, BQ
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-3- JAOK; Well, they've put a bench there now..And not only that, they - -- (go~: ~o~ RI~) JACK: 1'3.1 get it, Rochester. ROCH: ~{,S SIR. (ZQL~ND: PE0h~ _RINGS...COUPLE FOOTSTEPS...RECEIVER UP) JACK: Z~IIo. MURIEL: (BREATHLE~, FAST, AND EXCITED) Kello Chuck, I h~ve to talk fast, so don~t interrupt. My fatherts found out that we're in love, so if we'r~ going to g~t married, Chuck, we better elope, I'ii get my things -~esdy, and l~ll be ~ai~ing for ~rou, goodbye. ~ ~ ~u (SOUND: ~ECEIVER BO~N) JACK: ...Hm, K0OH: %~0 WAg IT, BOSS? JAC~:/)~rong number...it must hs ~ "~ong number, i don~t Pa%o~ ~ny gi~is whose fathers are s~ill allve{.~r~.~pe Chuck gets in touch with l~e~ or it "w~ll p~obably spoil b~? honeymoon. ROCK: I'VE GOT EVERYTHING ..READY, M~. BENNY...BUT L~0U HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGK BAGGAGE.~/z JACK: I hlo~...I left mi~s in Palm Sp~ings~...Bob Cmosb7 is lendlr~ ms ~ suitcase., .he promised to brlr~ it b~e~...Gee i llke going ~o ~}ew l~rk. (Sii~GS) Best ~ide, west side, All a~ound the town. BR Ri:,'{01 0183486
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ROCH: YOU ENOW3 ~,'~u~RE WI$~ i XCAS GOING TO N~d ~Z~RK WITH YOU... YOU NEED ~, BOSS. JACK: Now look, Rochester, I don't need you...! Low that all you ~an% is to get ta Harlem, aud £ wonrt ~ee you again ~ntll it,s trims to come home. You spend ell your time there ~Ith your gi~l f~iend Dorothy. ROCH : BUT BOSS .... JACK: No But,s abo~t it....~#, the l~s~ rims we went to New York, you didn't even wait till the ~aln got int~ Gr~nd Ce, nt~al.. You pulled tb~ emergency cord at 125th street. ROC~: I ZNOW. JACK:~'~What was tP~ big emergency? ROCK: I HAD TO GET 0V~ ~ DOROT~'S ~AST, ~ BOY ~RZEND WAS ENGINEER ON THE TRAIN. JACK: Oh, i s~e... (SINGS)N~s~sid% Westslde All a~ound the town. I 'Ii be ~t the Acme Plaza Penthouse two flights dO~n .... (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: I~ll ~n~we~ the ~oo~, Rochester. You ge~ my toothbrush and shaving stuff -~eady. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER...GouPL~ OF FOOTBTEPS...DOOR OPENS) BR
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. I }, -5- JAOK: Oh, hello, Bob. BOB: hi, Jack..,l b~ougbb the suitcase, JACK: Thanks a lot...uome on in. ($0Di~D: DOOR CLC~ES) JACK: TAt' S bring it in the other room when l~m packing. (SOUND: COU?LE F002ST~S..DOOR 0P~S) ROCH: OK, !~LLO, MR. C~BY...<VERZ IMPRESSED) SAM, THAT'S T~ MOST ~.-~SI~¢E BAG ~'E~A~C...~ND LOOK AT THOSE IN2~IAL$ IN GOLD...B.C. JACK: Gee, Bob, this bag must have cost a Zot of moue~. BOB~g~I don't ~o~' It'Z Bing~s, he loaned it to me. JACK: Oh...eh...%~ell, it certainl~ is the most beautiful suitcase live ever seen...Let me ope~ it. (S~J~D: SUITCASE OPENS) JACK: Gee, and it's ~us~ as b~auhlful on the inside...it's all fitted...snd made ~nto ~ectlous... ~OB: Bing had J~ made tba~ way. JACK: 0~...~e~2 what a~e all these oo~]amtments for? BOB: ~, they r~ m~k~,+,H~ndk~r~hi~fs, ~ox~ ~fies, T~e~es. Fifties, and Hundreds. ~hls is the ~osh ~ov~i sultcaso ~ve eve~ seen. JACK: l~his kn'~ here? BOB: ~n huh...go aheed, turn it. (SOU~: TURNIN~ ON OF FAUCET. . .AND r_~QUID FOUB~h~ ~ROM FAUCET ) RI~OI 0;83~8~
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JACK: -6- • • 5~ JACK: ~-ell, X~ll be darned...Min~e !~id 09ange Juice~.4t.~Beb, it's awfully nice of you to lend me this bag/.~.~ wait a t~lnute --- wbatls this...i~ looks llke a 2~ttle ~u~boDDeU. BOB: Oh, ~e p~cked the babyTs things in Dhis when we went to Foim I fo ot t ko JACK: Oh, isn'h this cute...this is the flinest little dmees l've ever seen...and lock at these baby shoos.L.~q~.~...Bob -- what does a baby need vlth all these handkerchiefs? BO~: Jack, they~e not handkerchiefs. JACK: Oh, ohj oh, oht. ~/~-~i~ BOB: Well gsck, I~ve ~ot to be ~nning along because -- (SOUND: PHO~ RINGG) JACK: Excuse me a minute, Bob.,.i want be answe~ the phone. Hello. (S~ DELIVERY) -r'm all z~ady, Chuck, I~ve got my bags packed a~d I'm in my ~oom on the thiJ~ fleer but i'm a little oervoos, so ifou~ll have to carry me down ~he ladder, JACK: ,..We!!~ ~ ,,h~'s l~idiculous./I ~en~t thought of eloping ~ince I saw Thed~ Bara in "Passlon's Plaything"... ~Pny can't that gi~! ~et the ri~]t nul~her? BOB: Is there anything w~,ong, Jack?. JACK: Yes, Bob...but it's a long stony. 81s0] i~183~89
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-7- BOB: Well, i've got~ get back home.~4".!'m rehea~,slng a new ,~ong and Oharlle Bagby's ~omi~g ove~ ~Jo ~cccmpe~y me on the piano. Have a nice b~Ip. JACK:.~g/Thanks a lot, Bob...glve ~ -~eg~ds to Char!ie and -- wait a minute...say~ Could it be...I~o~ i ~:Qess ~ot...~ut then again...Nah, itfs silly to even think that -- BOB: What's the mathez', jack?. JACK:& ~ell me...is Chsrlie Bagb~ ever called Chuck?...Huh? BOB: No, ~;hy? JACK: Well~ soma ~irl keeps c~lllng me and shsts goin~ to slope with some guy named Chuck. BOB: L./~Oh, that wouldn't be Bagby. He hates women now. JACK: BOB: JACK : BOB: JACK: P~o~.'~ It ~ ualled Keep I~ A Seez~t". JACK: Ye ah: !<~..~/~o/ ahead. (CROSBy'S gON~ - "IK~P IT A SECE~T') (APPLAUSE) What do yoG l~es~, Now? Jack, dldn~t you know that Charlle was all set to b~ married, and on the vez~ da~ of the wedding, his gi~l ~ilted him? You mean she stood him up? Yup, but he fell right back dow~ again. Well, • donlt bla~e ham the~...Say, Bob, whatls the name of this new number youI~e rehearsing with Bagby? Would you like to hear it? f91-~W0'1 0"I B34-'30
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-5- (SECOND ROU~INE!~IF?t~- JACK: Bob~½het sounded swell .. It's a ,zeal catchy tune. BOB: /~'_~L~lhanks~ Jack .. Well, I gdess i~!l r~n along, no~. JACK: Goodbye, see you whenL~ get back. ~ BOB: <~'<',: ~n2o~ ~-~elf ,,+~ ~-~---~ ~ ~-~--~e~a~" i. #~/~" /~7 4f~ Ne'~ Yo~k can ~e~ZI~tty cold ~. Are you ~a~zng your I long under~ear? /~-2~Jl~f~'~/, .~y~.~.~.2¢~.~. ~_.- _-7 t akln~F~g--~A ez-~eer 9 BOB: Huh? ROCI-I: WEtV~Z DONE TALL THOS~ ~P JOIG~S. JACK: Yes, Bob .. WoII~ So ,lOP~. BOB: ,TACK: (v;~ OR MARY: DORIS: >TART: DORIS : GM 8o long, Jack. ( SOUND: ]fore Rochester., DOOR CLOS~S ) pu.t all the extra clothes in the suitcase and hu##7, will you? •. ! want to be ready when Miss Livlugstone picks me up. TP~.~ITION ~@JSIC ) Oh Paullne~ pauline ... .Ves~ ~[ss ~vlr~stoF~e? If there are a~%y calls fo~ me wh~--le Iim gone, ~ell them fill be bsck 8s soo~ ~s ~° ~e~Is ~ai~ leaves. Yes, M~'~m .. .,~" ~ ~ ,,~ing.~±~. $~im? 01834~9 "f
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DORIS : DORIS: DORIS: Oh, they b~d an accident in the N~xwell yesterday .. d~ivlng along ~unset Boulevard, the steering whee] came loose, they p~ up on ~he sidewslk, sod knocked over fire hydrant. A fire h~drantl Uh huh .. wate~ shot up £1x'by feet into the air.. 0hmy goodness .. wb~t did Mr. Benny do? He ~z~de R~hester wash the car, he's not ~¢astlr~ ,~nything. .,Oh-,. ~ss Livingstone, wh~tts he going to New York for this time? MART: Well, the Friars are giving Bob Hope a testimonial dinner and Mr. Benny is supposed to ~ke a speech there. DORIS: Is he a good after-dinner speeker? MARY: Oh yes. "go~ sh~Id have heard him i~t night. He ~de one of the most stirring ~fter~dinner speeches i ever heard, DORIg: Where wa~ that? MARY: At the;Re--Drug Sto~e. DOPIS: Cne P~I/D~g oto~e? gARY: Yes, 1,1ght after we b~d dinne~,, he j~od up ou the MARY: ~-~h~r=~g~iW~x--i~-t~et .. Anyway, I hope Osck is a bi~ hit in New YoPk. DORI~. -~/RY: GM you l~ow, MNss Livingstone, I don't think it's fsir. ~st !s~t fa/m Pauline? R'£,W,O '1 01834-92
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MARY: ~" -!0- DORIS: ~ell, ~. Benny go~s to testimonisl dinners end gets all the glory, but you're the re~l star of his ~adlo program. P~!in~, you're sweet~ b~t ~. Be~v has more to say on the show than I do. DORIS: Straight lines yes, but ~ ge~ ~ll the laughs, ~RY: Oh. Pauline. DORIS: Yes go~ do .° E~d ~here ~ould he be if 't rea~ all ~hose biiar~ous letters from ~ou~ moth~? MARY: ., Well .. DORIS: And ~h~t would happen if he oouldu't mske jokes ~bo~t you working s~ the ~y Company? M~RY: ,. Yeah .° DORIS: And ever~~ week he ge~s ~ gre~t big selsry and all you ~t i~ ~ fe~ dollars. MARY: H~m ,. I never thought of that . ° (SOUND: PH~0~E ~I~S ° .~I FOOTSTEPS,,HECEIVER UP) MARY: Hello? JACK:Mary, "~hat?s keepiu~ you? ~RZ: ~ ~ to ~ o~ face.~ (SCU~: LOUD REORIVER DOWN) DORIS: Miss Livingstone, ~ho was it? MARY: The Stooge ,. Well, I promised to take him to the statlon± so I might as well do it. ( T~ANSITION MUSIC) (SOU~: OAR COMING TO STOP) JACK: ~.¢ell, here we ~re s~ the station. GM RTH01 0'183~3
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ROUH: MARY: ROCH: JAOK: MARy: JACK: MEL: M~/~Y: GM -]I- IT ST/P~ %<AS NI~ OF YOU TO [ZT ME DR~ YOUR CAR, ~IKSS LIVINGSTQ~. Oh, that's all right, Rochester. N~ BOSS, I'Ll, PAB~ ~ C/UP, AND TAE~ CARE OF ~E BAGGAGE ~£TLE yOU GO ~ET YOI[R TICKET VALIDATED. T~L~T'LL Y~ EVEF~THI~ ACCORDING TO ¥OiKq SL~EDULR. Schedule? Yes., you see I h~Ve so little t~ue on ~his trip that I've got everythi~4 planned .. I catch the Supsrohlef here at eight p.m. tonight .. !~m in Chicago 8t noon the day afte~ tomorx,ow, I g~t on the Twentieth Ceutur7 at five o~clock • Arrive in New York at mine A.M... Go to my ~oom~ the Acme Plaz~, take a nap until four in the afternoon, get up, wash, shave and sho~e~ by five .. dress by six.. get to the Waldorf by eight .. and attend Bob Rope's dinner .. Then catch the plane at eleven thirty and be home the next mornlr4~. Boy, what you won't go tl~ough to get a free meal. Free meal, free meal .. Come on, le~'s get i~he station ,. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS . o CROWD NOISES AND STATION NOISES) (P.A.) TRAIN NOW LEAVING ON TRACK FIV~ FOR ANAHEIM, A~JSA, AND 0UCAMONGA o Jack, I thought ~o~ told Bocheste~, to take youm bags, how come you~e o8~r~i~g that suitcase? R ]-:'~0 I 01834-94
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-12- JACK: ~, I want to take extra good care of it/.. ~ a very expeusive bs~V~ I~ belongs to Bin~ Orosby. d MARy: Oh .. Se_y, Jack, let's go over ~o the soda fountain, I~m JACK: Just ge~ a Lily Cup, 1111 give you some orange juloe. ~Ry: Nbmt9 JACK: 0n second thought, ~e bsvenrt time for t~mt now .. Let's see .. wb~re do i go to get my# tickets valli~ ted? ~J~: (P.A.)~TT~NTION, pLF~ ATTSNT!ON .. THE~R , JACK: ~y, you wait b~re for me, ~!~I you? ~: ~l'll go ove~- to the news-~t~ua ~nd buy ~ msg~zlne. JACK: Okay. (BOUND: STATION N01~S UP ~ND DOWN) JACk: Now let's ~ee .. Yf i -- DON: ~/~ Hello, Jack. JACK: Oh, hello, DO~. DON: Oh boy, I'~ s'dre glad i csU~hb ~ou. JAOK: You almost ~idn~t, Don .. it~ just a few minutes to t~ain time. DON: y ]chow, but i~ ~asn'~ my f,~It .. ~ wife and i too!~ he~ nephe~ To~mkv,;;,~t/to dinne~. JAOK: "fo~m~ .. 0h~<T~k~ow him .. He~s t~st mlscbeivicn~s little kid, isnlt he? DON: Oh, he~s not SO bad, Jack. GM
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JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: M~L: F~L: JACK: DON: ~4~ JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: -~.2A- 7{e is~t~ eh? DOD., that kid can get into mode t~ou'Dle, Well ,. ~8 ,~ mstte~ of ~ct~ he did e~D~SSS me 8 I can imagine + ~ that boy is the worst .. what happened? Well., aftem dimmer I paid the chec%_" e,.~ left ~ couple o9 bucks for the "~aitreas ~. Then -~e drove h~me .~"~Caen ~e got there~ To~ny stuck o~t his hand and said, '~!n~le, he#els tl&e two dollsr8 yo~~!eft on the table. " • / (P.A,) m}~ UNION PACIFIC ST~I4~LII~.R NOW '~-~l~I~ ~OM l~S ~A~ O~ TEAC~ -- (SOUND: ROUI~TTE WHZEL SPLITS WI~_~ ~ BOUNCING BALL AND BALL FI~L&LLY ~A~ IN~20 A SLOT) ~N,~ Now Don, excuse me ,, I,ve got to sst my ticket Wait a mlnu~e, ~k .. before you So,/the Sportsmen Q~arte~ c.ame down to say hello to you and welcome you back. Well, that's awfully - Say b-ello to me? Dora, Iim going ~w~y, I'm leaving. They '~ow that, Jack, h~t tl%ey can't be ~ere at the station ~han you come back, so they're ~onr~ s~y hello to you now. But Don .. Don, that's the silliest thing -- Take ~ ~u~ fello~ s. Don .. what kind of a -- GM
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¢~ QUART : HELLO, ~T~LO~ ~AOK W~LC 0~ HOME WErEE GIAD YOU'RE ~CK ~E ~-~E MISSED YOU AND ~rE~EE ~IAD YOU~P~ BACK HELLO, MR. "B" A~ ~ BACK ~ 'JAIARY? YOU AI~ LO~KI~ AT FOJR ~-0~GRY GUYS yOU ~ NICE TO BRING US ~ACH A Y0-K0 WE~.~LE SO TZ~D OF ~Z~G ON 0~ PO~0 ... OH ~{ELC~ME~ ~FELC0.~ ~I ?ROMISE ~ M0£~ TO ~0AM y~J'~ A GY?SY IN DISGUI&E _~LLO, LUCK~ STRIKE ~DW ABOUT A LUCKY STKI~ JACK: JACK: " "-±D- • Fellows, I~m not back, I'm just leaving, Boys, I'm leaving, T'm l~gv~ng, I'm going ~way, JACK: This is the most ridiculous thing. JACK: Ah, that's better. LIGBT A LUg, PUFF ON IT A~UHYLE LSMFT, TFAT'S T~ CYC~RETTE FOR ~. LIG~ A LUCKY, SMO~/~ IT WITH A SMII~ LUCKY S~IEES ARE MADE OF FLNE TOBACCO AND IT'S BETTER TASTINH TMAT'SA FACT ... SO ~0, ME. "B" WITH AN L-S-M-F-T WE NEED YC~I ON T~ BE~Y SI~ON HELLO. SO ONCE AGAIN ~.~ SAy '~HEILO" RTNO'~ O'183~-9 ?
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-14- JACK: Don, that was very nice, but t~at song could b~ve m~de me late folI my t~ain....Now i've gotta ~o get my ticket valld~ted. MEL: ATThLNTIO_N PLF~SE...ATTENTION. • .WE H~.VE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEF~ TO MAKE AB~ 0[-~ LOST AND FC~IND DEPAETI~.h~... ..... IT i Z BEEN LOST • JACK: NOW let'~ see <~ there's the window where !~m supposed to go ... T hope ! don~t -- ARTIE: Hello, Mr. Benny. JACK: ~4Y, MR. KITZEL. (APPLAUSE) JAOK:'~'/-~hat aP~ you doing here at the station, Mr. Kitzel? ARTIEr: I m wai~n~ to meet mz ~ife*s train ... Zhe18 coming back from Chicago. JACK: From Chicago, eh?...Was she visiting r~latives there? ART~: No, she was a delegate at the Republican Convention. JACK: "wait a minutej M~'. Kitzel. • .the Convention was held ~n July ... what kept he~ so long? ARTIE: They let her make a speech and she just finished. JACK: Oh, oh, ~.--.i take it your "~lfe llk~8 to t~ik 8 iot.~,~" ART!~: A sa~e obse~vatlon...In fact, it was because of this that "~e ~l~ost dld~,~t ~rried. - .+ ARTIE: The preacher ask@~ her~ De you take this man to be your lawfml ~edded husband"~ and ~he -gent into a fdldhuste~. JACK: Mr. Kitzel, you've joking. JC ff~ F,~'~O 1 01834-98
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-!5- ARTIE: Joking, he says...But anyway, i'm glad she's coming back today., .This is our wedding anniversary...and when she gets off the train, I worst even fez her unpack her bag.. ,I'm ts/~ing he~ straight to Ni~gr~. / SACK: ~k{ Ni&g~ Falls? ARTIE: No, Niagra, the picture, I want to "~ee Ma~ilyn Monroe, JACK: Oh, you llke Mari!yn Mon?oe, oh? ARTTE: Hoo hoo hoo. JACK: Well, if you're so c~azy about Maril~n, why are you taking you~ wife ~o the picture? ARTI~: I want her to see why we don't get along. JACK: Oh. MEL: (P ,A. ) THE SD[P~CP~EF ~PARTS ON TRACK .NINE YN T~I MIN0~fES. JACK: Well, I better go get my tickets validated, ~2. Kitzel... i'm going to Ne~ Yol~k. ARTIE: New Yol'k....how I envy you...Wh~t a city...Ho~ I'd like to see the brlght ilghts...the tall b~ildlr~s...the busy streets....the green fields° JACK: The gre®n fields? ARTIE: T~vlng and Max Greenfield, my cousins. JACK: Oh yes,,~ met them~ ARTIE: By the way, Mr. Benny...t~Q~out-~e~o~k-and my ?e~~s~m~,..yon can do me a big favor. JACk: ~/~I~d be glad to....wh~t is it? A~TI~: Well, I:ve got an uncle in New Yo~k...Willle Kitzei..ohe's JACK: JC like tbm black sheep in the family...never works.°.c~n't hold a job°..practically a bum, Uh huh. RI'HO? 0183499
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-16- ARTIE: The only way he gets ~ioug_ Is when the family gives him ~, little spending money...Here, ~%ke this ten delia-~ blll ~nd and give ~t to him from r~e. JAC~K:~:~/ Certainly...When ! get to New yo~k, l~ll c~ll him uo ... w~hat ~ his phone number? ART]~: I don't know, but he's living at a d~m~h c~lled the Aome Pl~z~. ARTI~: Look down, you oanrt miss it. JACK: I will, I ~ill . .. Goodb~, Mr. Kitzel. ARTIE: Croodbye~ Mr. £~gnny. (A~L~USE) JACK: No~ let's see...0h, there's the window. MEL: JACK: MEL : JACK: MARY: JACK: MARy: JACK: MARy: JACK: MARY: f~ee. (P.A.) ATTENTION PI~ASE, ATTENTION...THE IfEW HL~ND~AND SIXTY ~ AN HOL~ Bi~ STREAK NOW I~VING FOR PHOENTX. ,. EL ~AS0, •..gT~ LOUIS.. ° .i%~W YORK...AND MAY~ LONDON. • L Wb~t does ~ mean ~%avbe" I~ndon? (P.A.) IT HAS BAD BRAZES Well, th~t~s the silliest thing ~ evee hea_~d. J~c~, J~,ck ... did you get your tickets validated? No, I r~n into Mr. Kitzel. Well, yoa bettee hurry...The Super Chief will be leaving soon. i ~a%ow. Eere...~ bomght you some m~g~zlnes...The Z~tu/~day Evening Post...Re~ders Digest...Colliers...~nd $~c~ ~ou'l! love this book. ~4hat is It? "How to Make Money gtralghteni~g ~ophe~'s Teeth."
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-]7- JACK: Mary~ you're very funny. MARY: My maid thinks so. JACK ."~ :~ever mind, NEL: MURINL: JACK: MARY: JACK: JACK: ~LSON : JACK: ~LSCN: JACK: NELSON: JACk: NhLSON : AK (P.A.) ATTFANTION ~I~_SE...ATT~NTION PL~.SE...THIS iS CO~fE~-RY TO ODE ~DT~Cy~ BU~ T~DIE i3 SOMEONE H~ WHO WISIng TO i~KE A SPEOI~ A~{0UNC~LENT....GO #J~. (P.A.) C~Fu~K, I GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE MYSELF, #AVD I'M WAITING FOR YOU. i WOUID HA~E~] B~2~ H~ SOON~R, BUT i STOPP~ AT T:~] BANK ~ND DR~ OUT ALL MY MONI~f...TV~N T~OUSAh~ DOi~L~J~S. Te~ t~ous---COMING....COMING. JACK! ~, Huh? 0h,~'~-:<cuse me, Mary..A4hat's the matter ~ith me, I don't even know her....Now Mary, ~ait here...i~m going to take care of my ~ickets...in~s that ~indow over there. (8OL~: COUPLE ~OOT~E@S) Oh Mister..~are you ~he man ~ho validates tickets? NO, l'm jus~ he~ because I was born ~ith ~his ~ubb~r stamp in my hand. ]~ok....all I ~ant you to do is ~ validate my ~Ick~. Very ~ell...~here are you going? To New York? Good, now if ~e can~ ~ust Se~ rid of the smog. Nevem mind that....New I have my ~cke~ b~;t not my pullman space. Well....would you llke a compartment?
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-Ia- JACK: NO/.Yi~i'm by myself. NELSON : A roomette ? JACK: No...l don't even need that.• .as a matter o±' fact, I don't even need a lo-~er bersh...Teil 1~e~...do you have any uppe-~s ? NELSON: Well I ..... -Wait a minute---asK me that again. JACK: ...Do you have any uppers? NEL~DN: Xes, and if you don'~ go a~ay, I'll bite you. ~[EL~- --Weld;n7 Jth~ initials Cn-yo~'ba~- saTBr OJ JACIC:- -----C~-- JACK: YJu~re very funny. NELSON: My butler thinks so. JACK: NOW CUT T};~2 OUT. MEL: (P.A.) TBE SUP~CHIEF NOW LK~VING FOR F~/~SAS CITY ~/~u CHICAGO. ; ~SOU~D: TRAIN BEILS) JACK~ YOU'LL MISS THE TRAIN...HURRY. JACK: I WILL IF THIS MAN WILL STAMP MY 'HCEET. NELSON: OI~X, T~]~LE. N~LSON : NOW GO AL~-E~Y. (SOUND: TRA-~ PU~.'FING 0U~ OF STATION) JACK: LOOK 0~, ~<~Y, ~'V~ GOT TO RUN FO~ ~T..-~TF~J W (SOUND: RUT[NING FOOTSTEPS...AHD ALSO SOUND OF ENGI~-E BEGII~ING TO GO SLICKLY K%STER. ) ~97M01 0~ 8 3-~0~
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JACK: y~e~....~ j~t ~.e ~t, MUHiEL: /~So/--- did I. Oh; Chuck, give me a boost. JACK: }~hat~ 0h~ she.s n~t talkin$ to ~e. MU~I~L: Come on, Chuck, sire ms a boost. BAGBY: Okay, honey, Hive ale your hand. JACK: ~-ell, Z~II be dap~ed, it really is ~a~by. (APPLAUSE 6% PLAYOFF) ~T~OI O 7 8 3 5;(,~3
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JACK: (APPLAUSE) DON: Ladies ane gentlemen. Thousands of people are aestitste because of ths recenD floods in Holland. You can l~ip thsse :neople in ~ehabillta~ing their homes and their lands by sendls6 a C#AKE food, linen Or tool ;ackage. $o won't you please b21p? ~end your donations 50 CA_RE ... C.A.R.~ ... C~_RE, Los Angeles or New York. Thank you. Jack will be back in a moment, friends, but first a word for clgerette smokers ... ,j P~ T,~<O 1 018350,$
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SOS~8~0 ~ONLM T~ JACK B~NNY PROGRAM M~a~CH I 1953 (transcribed Februa~ 14, 1953) CLOSING COMFf~RC ~IAL DON: Jack ~ill be back In a moment, friends. C0~INS: CHORUS: COLLINS : CHORUS: COLhINS : CHORUS: DON: ORCH: SPORTS~ But fires e ~crd for cigarette smo~rs ... (PAUSE) ... nothin~ - no, Dethio& beats better taste. And remember ... L0c~les taste better~ Clear~er~ fresher, smooth, r! Luckiss taste better! Ciee~ner, Cresher, smoother~ For Luck~ Strike means fi~e tobacco Richer-~asting flue tobacco! Luc~ies taste better! Cleaner~ l~esbe~ s~oother~ Lucky Strike ... Lucky Strike! Friends~ the t_astA of your cigarette is all-imoortant. For a cigarette, ~?th~ - no,~qthin~beat~ better taste! And Luo~es taste bette~ ... 3leaner and f#eshe# and smoother. You see, Luc~i~s better taste ~eall~ begins ~ith flne~ light, truly wild tobacco. Yes. L~/~T - L~c~# Strike means fin~ tobacco .... £ood-tastln~ tobacco, o£ course~ Then too, L~ckles zaste better becasse they're~(~e betta~. Maae to give you a cleane~ fresher, smoother-tasti~ smoke. So~ frieBds, z'emembe~' I~ important oetter tasteless to you~ enjo.~meot of a cigarette. And remember that Lucky Strike ~ives you the better taste of fi~e tobacco~ in a better made cig~ette. Hut most of all, remember to pic~ cp a cartoo of Lockies tomorro~ Yes, be ~mRPY-- A~ Lucky! (SHORT VAMP) QUARTET: Be happy -- ~o Lucky Get better taste today!
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JACK: JACK: Yfl~L: MUR~: ( ~3URD : TP~.IN NOISES) Now let's s~e .... (EEADING) "After applying braces to the C~Jpher'~ teeth~ you apply pressure by tightening every three months"... Oh this is ridicu].ous. I'll just sit here and ... }Lm ... I wonder ~*hy all the passengers are going up to?~ard the front of the brain ... I thine i,ll fz;!lo~ them a[1~ son. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ... TP~%T~ DOOR OP~4S, SOUND OF 1~q~ UP ... DOOR CLO~S ... NOISE DO~^~. ) Gee, everybody is ct~o~ded around the engineer. I -~ond~r what he's doing. By ~k~ ~cwer vested in me by the Atchison Topeka and Santa Fe, I know pronounce you man and wife. Chuo~, now youTrs mine, all mine! ( SOL~D : TRAIN WHISTLE) JACK: ~/~,Oh isn't that swe~t Goodnlght, " l ,.. go_ks. (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) DON: The Jack Benny Show tonight ~as written by Sam Perrin, Milt $osefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to ~ar The American Way ~ith Hol~ace Heidt for Luok~J Strike every Thu-~sday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny Program ~as brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company .,. Amerlca's leading manufacturer of c~garette~. RTMO'I 01835Q6
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FROG~AM #a6 Rm~JISED SCRIPT A~R:CAN TOBACCO C0~ANY LUCKY STRI~ THE JACK BENNY- PROGP~,M j~_U~.~Xa ~RCH 8, Z953 CBS 4:00 - g:30 PM PST (TEANSCRIBED F~RUARY14, 1953) .~ ES f~ 1-,NO J 0 I S3_~?Ot:
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J~ t., ~I~RIT/ RPRCGRAM ~RCH, I 8, ]953 ~tr~nscrlbed F~bru~r~ 18, 1953) OP~- ~ CO~RCLtL DON: ~ JACK ~EI~Y I~ROGRAM ,.. TRANSCRIBED AND PRESEI~ BY LUCKY STRIKE! ., (psuse) ., you know, i~iends, for real smoki~ enjoyment uothlz~ - n o~ nothin~ - bests better ~aste COLLINS: Luck~es taste bett~/ OH0~US: Cleaner, fresher~ smoother: COLL!h~: Luck!es taste bette~! CHORUS: Cleaner, f~esher, smoothsr,t Lucky Stirke means flue tobacco Richer-tsstiu~ fins %obseco} C0[/[~N~: Luc'~les taste bette~: CK0~US: Cles~er, fre~hsr~ smoother! Lucky Strike .,. Lucky Strike.~ DON) ~Is is Don Wil~on. You k~ow choosing you~ cigarette is really simple. Jhst go 1,y the taste. '2h~t,s ~Ight.~ For nothing ~ u~o, nothin~ - beats bette~ taste and the cigarette that tastes be~e~ -cleaner, fresher, and smoothe~ .. is lucky ~trlke~. First of all, Luckies give you the bette~ taste of .~eally fine, ~lld tobacco. Remember, LS/~T_ - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco - ~Ith ~ woude~ful flavor of its own. }Cnat,s mo~e, Lucklss give you the be~te~~ taste of a be~te~-~de c_~ ~ette - ~m~de round and ~i~m and £~J~y packed to Or~w freely ~nd smo~e ever~ly - $0 t~ste cleene~, fresher, smoother. Yes f~lends ... fo~ you~ own smokln~ enjoyment, ~emem~oe~ ~- bette~ taste is whet you want i~ yGdl~ c~aI~tte and bette~ taste is ~1~t ~m/Ill find in eve~ pack of Luckies~ So be happ~ - ~o L~oky] Make yo~? next ca~ton .. Stimke •~ ~S
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M~RCH 8, 1953 (transcrlbed 9~b~r~ 18~ 1953) MUSIC: 9-i-~ON: The Imcky S~rike _~rogram ot~i~g, ... ~T[W01 018S.~,09
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-1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (A~TER C0~ENCIAL, F~]SIC [T A~D R6~l) DON: THE LUCICf STRLKE PRO~P~M, STAHEYNG JACK B~LN~Y .. • NITH MARY LI~INGSTO[~, ROCHESTER, DE~S DAy, BOB CR0gBY~ THE SPORTS~I QUARTET, AND "YOO'RS ~ " TRULy DON WILSON. (APPIAUSE...MUSIC UP A~D DC~) DON: LADIES AND GL~I~MENs I~STER~Ay JACK BFkrNY NETUP@~ZD FROM A ~RIP TO }~- yORK ~,~RE HE ATTENDED A DIN~EE OIV~ FOR BOB HOPE BY T~ FRIARS CLHE ... EIGHT N0~¢ IT iS MO~NG AND JACK IS ~JST CKTTLNG I~. JACK: c~_ Good morning, ROO_~S_W~R. ROCH: D00D MOF&ENG, BOSS. I ~AS-AZI~F ~rH~* YOU GOT N0~ LAsT NIG~L N0~[ ~gAS ZCUR FLIGHT PACK ~0M h~W YORK? JACK: it wss fine, oxcept tb~t we n~de ~tmsS~e~duied lending in I~s Vegas. '~e had to s t~y there abont ~n hour. ROCH: W~T WZS ~JfT~? DID YOU HEVE A HOT MOTORI THE JACK: No, ~ ho~-pilot..he ~de fifteen straight passes ... An~y~ ±t,~s fun, but it's good to be home. ~- ROCH: -~... HONID YOU SI~F~ BOSS? JACK: Oh, pretty good ... only I w~s awfully cold l~st night. ROCH: YOU~HE C01D ~VERY NIG-~ , .. ~YBE YOU HA~'T GOT ENOUGH BLOOD. JACK: Rochester, l~m not ~nemic, No~ l~y out my clothes .,. a,nd get me ~ clean shir~ ,,. I don't w~nt to be le.to for re, he~r s~!, ROCK: YES SIR. (SC~ND: FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR OPENS) ES 0183510
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-2- ROCH: H~H ~EE ~ }~ ... NOTA~IIC ... IW0~D~I~AT ~ID EAY IF HE FC~ID OUT_ THAT ~v~aRY M0-~NING i S~W~AK INTO THE BATHE00M AND PUT I~TCKU? ON HIS RAzoR TO }~EP O~ BZS MO~LE ... NOW LW~'$ Sh~ o.. THE SKIRT SHOULD BE IN TB/S DBA~ER. ( SOL~CD: D_RAWE~ OPEN) KOCH: SOX ... HANDKFKOHIEFS ... SWEATERS .. • OH-0H, ~AT ~S THIS? •.. A BOTTLE OF I~TSEU?.. ° HMMM • JACK: (OFF) Rochestelb how about my shirt? KOCH: COMING, BOSS. ( SOL~ND : ~E~ FOCTSYEPS ) ROCH: I~EHE iT IS. JACK: L~/~" Tha~uks. ROCH: SAy BOSS ... W]~LE I WAS GEEING THE SHIRT OUT OF DEAWER, I NOTICED A BOTTLE OF FZTCHUP. JACK: Oh, yo~ did, eh? ~OOH: YEAH .., ~THERE DID YOU GET IT? JACK: Rochestel-~ Cones here a minute. ROCK : HUH? JACK: I've ~ot ~ IZttle su~priee for you. ROCK: SL~PRISE? JACK: Yeah ... if 7oa keep putting it on llm gol~ keep sor~p~!g it off. I1m not w&stlng it Just to pleas~ my vanltyl R '0~ --BtSS~--veU-M~_~-ZOU Zt~EW -C-9-WA$--~Tt~{J-~?- ES
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-3- JACK: -y~s-T+~the f~st time i saw it on my ~,azor, I took a sample to my doctor ... He e~alyzed ~I~ ~i~d said, "M~.Benny, some people have gi~!s, some p~ople h~ve boys, but ~d~c~.e gonna ( SOL~: DOOR BS~ZER ) JACK: I'!l get it. (SOL~: FOCTSTEPS ,.. DOOR 0PLUS) MARy: F~llo, Jack. JACK: Oh hello, Ma~~ ,. Come on in. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) M/~RY: When did you get back from New Yomk? JACK: About fo~ o'clock this morning ,.. But it was a nice trip. MARy: How did the Bob Hope d~_ue~ turn out? JACK: Oh, it w~s swell .., Everybody was there .... Gee, what oelebrlties. And you kno~ what? T sat on the dins l, lght next to Bernard B~uoh. M~RY: Oh, bl~%tls wonderful, JACK: Yeeh. MARY: "~ - i ±ul~ b~ven t seen him since you went to school tog~the-~, JACK: H~m ... You }mow, MarF, you always ~ay the cutest things just before you set a cut in salsry. # MARY: (LAIDHIh~Y~Z/Y~was only teastng ..~ Now ynu better hurry o~ we'll be late fo~" -~ehearsal. JACK: ~fny.~ Nerve got a lot of ... Oh my ~oodnessl Look what time it is. ~ neve~ -~eallzed it ~as this late. MARY: And you ~til! have to ~b~ve, ES O'1135'12
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JAO'K: i know, I know tie. MARY: l']l get the r~zo?o ROCH: I'LL GET THE, ~TOHL~?. JACK: We haven't time for tb~t no~...you go gtt the ~a~, Roches~e~ .,. WeIll be down in ~ minute. Try the motor s~ain, 2,ochester. .IA OK: ROOH: -h- ... it won't teke lonZ ... I~ll t&ke off my CAR STARTER TWICE ~.. MEL BIANC PIOK~ T/P WITH HIS WHEEZING AND BUEPI~Z • .. STOPS) JACK: T~y it ~saln, Rochester, only Wnls tlme~ step on the throttle, advance ~he spa~k, pull out the chokes a~1 hold down the clutch. ROCH: ~Ep TALKIN~ BOSS, S0 FAR YOU H~VENTT ~MED ONE THLNG WEIVE GOT. JACK: All ~Ight, ~ll ~ight ,.. Try the motor ~in. ~AEY: J~¢k, f~s-~ke~ ,.. l~st month when the A~tomobi~e ~no~ w~s LU to~n, you ~aid you were going down and look at JACK: ! did. hu~ the one I wanted to buy, thence not making yet. ~Z~¢'/~<LIt~s tt~t revolutlonaL~y car with three wheels. Y MARY: BOOR: JACK: BOCH: JACK: Three ~heels? .., Is that ~od? IT'S ~ MOBE T~AN WE~VE GOT NOW. 0h, stop ... ~nd try th~ ~tor ~galn. yES SIR. (SOU~D: The~e you &~e. (sorry: STAP~ .... LOUSy MOTOR CATCHES ON A~D GOES • ) MOTOR FADES TO =~AC~ROUND) ES B T;'~O I 0183513
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-5- JACK: i knew we wouldnTt have any troubi®° T'~,e-~uoto-~-~t~tt~-~ - _~A~.~-- ~mhey- ~ghing~would ~- L~oettel'~-~h~r~ the ~e.publ~c~ns got (TPANSITI ON MUSIC) ( SOIm D: MO¢OR) Rochester, here we a~e at the studio. JACK: ROCH: i~ES S~. (SOUND: JACK:,~,~ I wish tb~e ~ARY: JACK: ROCH: JACK: M~ON GOING 3LOW) was some place to park along the street. Oh, for heavenT~ sake, Jack . .. ~hy don~t you put it iu a park~]g ~ot? ~h, I guess ~e~ll b~ve to .H All ~!ght. ~oohester, d~ive (~PPY) OH BOy, A RVAL PA~d(ING LOT ... WAIT'LL I TELL BOYS#~ 7r~ LOEGE ABO~P THIS. Never mind °.. just go in. (SOUND: CAR DRIVES ~g FEET AND 3TOPS , .. DOOR OPENS)
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-5- gACK: Now, Rochester, you go o~er ~nd Ds7 the attendant ... Mi~ Livingstone a~d I ~re going into the studio. ROCk: I~S SIR! JACK: Come on, Nard. MARY: Say Jack ~. • look at that beaut~u! ca~ d~ivin~ in. (SOIE_~: NICE CAR MOTOR OO~'~Z~D UP CLCSE) JACK: Qee, what a CaT •.. ~ chauffe-~ in uniform and It must be the pDesident of the F~twork. (SOU~D: CAR STOPS ... DOOR OPENS) KGBIN: Here we are, sir, C. B. S. Z~NNIg: Th~nk you, ~%:i~9s. JACK: M~y, ItTs Dennis. LetTs watch tb~s. RUBIN: ~Ili get your things out of the car, sir...,your coat, sir. [~IS: Thank you. DENNIS: Thank you. HOBIN: Your Wall Sbz,eet Journal. CE~S: Tba~ you. RVBIH: ~our Buck Begets Disintegrator. DENNTS: ~. JACK: ~ey, ~-~n]nis ,.. Dennis.~ !~NNI5: }[uh? Oh hello, ~. Benny ,.. Hello, t,~,. MARY: Gee, Denni8~ I~ve neve~• see~ such s beautif~l ca~ ,.. ~a~re did y~u get i~? Y~NNIS:#~y moth~ gave it to me fo~~ s goi~-away Dre~ent. JACK: Dennis, where are you going? I~NNIS: She doesnlt ca~e as long ss X go. JAOK: -What? e~THO 1 0183S15
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[~NNIS: JACK: MARY: I~NNIS: JACK: ~NNIS: JACK: I~2Y: JACK: (MUSIC : BOB: JACK: BOB: .TACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: -?- The tank holds three hundred gallons of gas. Well, I~II chiD in for ~he ~oad mars. ~sy O~P~is, yo~l Cs~ dy'~ve s ¢~ •.. how core yo~irve got a chauffeur? "~ell~ I ~as talking to the man who p~ep~res my income tax end he told me~ ~ ~ht to get some more deductible items. Oh, is youm chauffegm de4uotible? Yesh, James Deductible. Now cut that out. We better get into the studio or we'll be late. Yeah ... come on, let~z go. (SOUND: FOOTSTEp~ ... DOOR OPENS) ORC~ST~ ~JNING UP) ~. ~_/ All right, fe!lows/iet.fs~m throt~h that uumbe~ .once more. gold it, Bobt hold it, Itm here, @~-s-~e;~l@~ Jack, i was j~[st meheaPslng the band. WelI~ that can -- say, walt s minute -- arenlt some of the boys missing? Yeeh..Re~ey, Bagbv, and Sa~ny the dr~nel~ wonlt be here fo~ the show. Why ~ Well, last [~ight they were llsteni.ng to a quiz pmog~sm, and the M. 0. ~as asking question.s about e~itb~tio. What's that gob to do with it? Well, one of the questions wss about fl~sctions..it was, "How Iim~ times ~ill one fifth go into t~ee". .. so bhe7 sta_~ted wo~klng it out. R'I~<01 0~835~6
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!, -8- JACK: Uh-huh. BOB~/~By the time they killed off twenty-two fifths, they lost ~te~est in the answer. JACK: I can't ~nderstsnd it. I thought when Phll Hmrris left, the boys would change. BOB: 6.~hey ~ill] Jack, they ~ill. JACK: But when? BOB: As soon es they ~ind cut/P~11 hes gone. 2 JACK: Hn~z..Well~ }:~o do they tl]ink 7ou s~e? BOB:~h~(, I donlt know, ~dt the.v keep callir~ me Alice. Well, don~t Wor~y, Bob, fo~ five years they thought I wss ~velyn sr~ her msgio violin...Oosh, the f~ee dinners thet IIve hsd.i.Well, go on with tile rehearsal, Bob so ~le o~n get into the sketch~L~b ~NNIS:Zn'/~Sh~I I rebemrse ~ sor~, firs% ~,. Benny? JACK: Yes, go ahead, Dennls..then we'll go right on with the Dlay. ([~NNIS'8 ,5ONe) :'TILL I WALTZ AGAIN WIT-~ yOU") RTMO~ 0183517
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-9- JACK: That ~as very good, Dennis ,, very good., And now, kids, letTs r~hearse the pley we~-~e going to do...Oh, Don., 2 DON:~ yes, J~ck. # JACK: / Set the scene, will yo~? DO.~: Okay. ,A~D NO~ LAD~ES A]~ C~}~L~N..I~ #RE~NT C~u~ ~RSION OF "THE SNJWS 0F ~LIMANJAR0"s 2RODUCED BY t'~E~£~TH ~NYo~Y FOX~ MAKERS OF ~99_~T D~ PICTURE '~h~ARA" S~S<RI~# YOURS T~T]%y, DON WILSON. JACK: Don~ stlck to the scriDt.,You werenlt the sta~ of"Niagaraw DON: i !chow but i need ~he pUbllcity, l~v cglendars ~ren~t sellin~ at all. // JACK: Oh? oh., Well, Don~2u~ ~esd w~tls ~J~itten, wil~ you~q~<~ DON: Oksy .. AND N~, LADIES AND GE_~LEMEN..~¢E F_~SSE~T OUR VERSION OF "T~E SNOWS OF k~/LZMANJARO".,~C~ZCH ST.~ED GREGORY ~CK...SITSA_~ HA_%qgARD....A~D AVA GARD_NE~. (~JSIC SOV~ IN BAO~DR~..~G~JE INZO 4q~LE 9~SIC) DO~: CUR STORY OPE~ I~ THE A~ICAN ~-J~C-~. AT ~ FOOT OF T~ MA3~STIC SNO~-CAPP~D MOUNTAIN,..}LILINANJARO. (MUSIC Ore') ~T~<07 0183518
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JACK: JACK: iBIG: JACK: -10- (FILTER) MY ~ IS GREGORy ~CK .. I ~2 A WHI~aR WHO CA~Z TO tIUNT IN AFRiCA...A8 i LIE }~RE AT I~A%~IS DSOR WITH THE PAINFUL TI~OBBTN3 OF MY II~CTED IFB, MY ~NTIRE LiF~ HAS F~S~D BEFORE ME...I--RE@Y24BE~KgL~Y~ B~CE;~-.BACK, BACK TO %Z~E DAY i WAG BORN~..I ~Z~@~- MOST PEOPL~ CANtT EE~ THAT ~ BACK, BUT I DO BECAU~ MY p_~EE[~TS ~&%E~ ~ PAY THE DOCTOB...I~V~ 7~AD ~ EXCITI~ LIFE, A~D AS A WRITE~ I WAS A SUCCESS, TOO...BUT~MOW ~ ~.N~iI~ IN~ ... I CAM TB~L ~.~HIZ IS TRE ~, L~CAUSE AS I LOOK UP AT THE ~OT A-~ICAN BEY, i SE~ Trio ~TURES CIRCLING OVER ME....OK IIVE 3~N VULTURES BEFO~, BUT THESE TWO ARE CARRYING A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP .... I WAS ~EC@v~SN~ED TO TA~M BY PUNCAN RIALS,.. (SOFTLY)..AS MY ~MPERATJ~E ROSE, I FELT A SOFT COOL HA~D ON ~ FORE~... IT WAS MY ~,FS, SUSAN, TENDERly S~OKIhD MY FEVEEED BROW...AND AS I ~DTT~EED AND NOANE~ IN ~f ~ZR~IM, SI~E SAID: Cut out that blubbering, M~C. t] b~ipless while all the members of my s~f~rl are s~a~ving because ! c~n~t go out ~ud buut fresh most f0~ them. Don~t worm~ shout th~t.,.Thls morning i ~nt out into % , the j~ngle Mud killed ~ t~Igsr~,~-~ ~ut wsit e minute, Susan..~etre out of smmunltlon..how you kill the tige~?/~'/~zc,~' # FI ]" }{01 0'1B3.%; 1 9
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!. -10A- i IRIS: I strsn~led it. ~ ~ ~ , JACK: Dsrllng..how in ~he wo~ conic ~ou possibly bring yourself to strangle s lion? IRIS: I use~ one ~hsr~, I gsve it ~ f~htlng chance, JACK: .~.. t~D~L~_~_~T!CALLV_) .. When is t~t medicine comi-ng?... ~hen will the plane get here, .when..when..when? ou~cu~ie~ till tha~ s~ugf gets here...Weill pla~ pokers.- RI->(O 1 0"1 t73~;20
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JACK: DENNIS: JAOK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: RJ -ll- WB~LE ~fAITiN(~ ~)R 'i_m~ !~-Cii~N...HCW ABOUT T%~T, F07dqb; ~ ~OLD.Y~U i.~4A~ A ~ITg]R...THE ~!~ DIDN'T ARRi%~ k~Ti{ T}£B ~""~I~I~, ~ND I (JOT ~JuRbE.. SO IN DESPg~RATIUN SUSAN SENT FOR A NATIZfE WITCH DOCTOR. THE ~TCH II-CTOR CA~ A~D FOB T]TF NqVXT TWO HOUMS P~ I{I{~T [~qU~I~IG £OT ~A}[D !NT0 MY MOUTH. W~DEN MZ I~T {&)T TOO BIG FOR ~ _r EEALI~ HE ~L~S b~l~l~H~ MY }E~AD...I,~0R'I~JNATT~Ly, I tTOPPRD H---M ~N TIg:~, BUrr TU THIS ~%Y I WEAR A h, IZ~ ~9~0 AND T?IREH-Z~IC-HTS.. ~ SE&LL Z~ ~uRt4~T THAT ]T[TOH DOCTOR..HE tI~RI}Y£I~D MS ~iTH A P0%-D~q YADE FEOM 5ROU_~D TII~q TEE'I~ TEEN HE CHA]I~rED i~[ib ~TEIRD ~\)ODO0 XNCA:NTAT!~ ~A l~ga mahwah~ i~a mahwah~ Ta~ Loo~ah, ta~ean loo~ah Boo, boo. boo. (NASAL WAIL) Ah-ee-Sii. Ah-ee-il. -% Here...you take Em ~he~e he~s...0o~e l~rirL ~3~ ~oE be-'J~ a]l bettez~ " ~' 0~, that ~s wo~der£'~l~ D~,~tor...how inuc£~ do i Owe ~ou? NO t bl r~- -Blue CPoaa. / (FILTER} T~ %fIT~0Z/ DOCTOR L~...AND AS T~ ]~1L£~_~ WORE uN, ~Cf F~ISH MIND WAS FRIt~E?~D BY_ ?~ LuU~Z~ ~ ~ JuNgLE... THE ROAR OF T~N LION... 8T}{O'I 018::~52 I
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- 12 - JACK: NEL: JAOK: YAIL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: (ROAR&.LI~ LION) THE CIYY ~F TH~ WILD BOAR. THE ~RI~HTENED }f~iINNY OF OUR HuRSES. ( EOES FRIc~{fENEB ~L{iN]IY ) THE WILD CHATTERING OF %~ M_~}Y~YS (CHAT~S Lli~3 MoNi~"f) TI~]~ M~NfACAm h6RELLIi oF Tk~] F~YE~. TI-I~ TII~I2~/~.H~ bOUND O~ T~ ~fROCODZLE. ( PAUSE... SILE~OE ) ...r~] T~RRIFV!_NG hOUND OF THE CROCODILE... (AN~TI~LC~ ~AUSE) ..I IiNLW IF I ]Q?£~T TRYINt~, I'D FI~ S01~THING 9IHAT }~i~L IIIAI~O AC~gNYT-jITHIB -6AZ ~AS~ ~,R ~-~YEOAUSL~]-<~$ I T©L~-yC~J.,- i !~AL ;~441~ITP~]~:~ .~ QU!~T}[ESL OF THE iDNL- NI(a@ %lAb HROiCZH BY THE 677NGLE S~U~K)S,..TP~ SIGHING 0R TICS SOFT W7~S... A}~ T}[~ O0~oTAZT_ [ADAT UF THE TALKI~k: []{U}~ L-K }/~{IOH THE }~TIUES 90~JNIOATED }~T~ EACH ~,~ra~. (SOUND: DI{U~P~ --l[Vf0 --) RJ ~T~O~ 0183522
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QUART : ~j NANGI "~A]~ D~I~ OH ~XIM ~AN~I YL-M ZANGI LoMFT DA W~ I~-T DO UA r-O WE A~A NU WA MOWA O00 I~O!~ STRIi,[ES TI~ ~MOI~ FOR YOU DI(~ DIGA DO, DI~ DO DI~ DIGA !~, Dltd~ D] A:~ NU NA 9t!N~ TO~ACi NOU}~ AR~ NIEM AiD 73LLY ~A~,~D DIGA DI~A D~,; DI~-& Du IU Di6~ DIGA D3, DZC.~ tO. ]~'B~ SO ?l~w~Y DI~A DIGA ~vIT{E~ WE'RE i~INC- NATIVE cAy OH DI~ DIt~ DO T~'S NLT}~NT BETTER TN-~_N A LUCi~ ~NS THAT T}~q IS }L RL~ i~FF. WN~N U~.fBANol LM0i~E B~ORE H~' t Eg~N STARTiN' OOK WA WA WA IN -~Cb MOU~K ~' =~TTIN~ ALL AT 0.~0~ A CARTON A~-D ~ BuX OF MhTCH~S WE F~.T MAN TH~N W}~N WE'~ THROUgh{ WE ALL SMOB]{ HIS L<ICKIES ~lOo. ~T~O~ 01B3523
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QUART: L;JCI~ ~TRIKE [£S ~t,H r~I~ TAST!N' (C0~'D) DIGA Z)£~A ~], D!¢~4 D] BE ~9~ WA, ¢o 00M u}£& ~E f~ WA, 60 YUM RON (~Y bMOI<.E LUCICf STRI/I~ UO -- DI~A DI~ D% DIQA DD DO Dlt=a DIbA LO, Jlt~. F~ D] D![{~ DIC{ ])3 ALL !I&Y. (APPLAUSE) - 1]A- : RJ RTM01 0183524
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JACK: - 14 - ~L~ ~ IN A RO~IO MGOD...E BECKON Tu !K~Ni~ OF AL~ THE.' ~IRLS I Y~D ~0~]~...O~IISTANOE ~ORL_YT~•..R0~ALII~D WIN~TON... VAI/ERIE FITZGF~b, ~. DON WIL~bN~.. I ~JJAi~ THOU~EiT OF ~RILTN MO~E, ~]T BON~S CALEN~t~R~ ~2~N~T S~ILING..,TYE~N i BEGAN TC ~INI£ OF THE FIRST GIRL T ~i) ~ P~AiLy [~,~D... (_MCSiC $O~LY ~N E~¢KC~OU~©) _RON~%A~/IC...~/3 /~UTI~L.. •A~FD Bi{SI' O? ALL~ ~5_-~ WAS II'I iuVE WITH ~ I SYA~ ~v~ FOEG~T MY FIRST ~,~iI'~G WITH ~RIA. .. I SAID TO ~R. OACK. (REG. Z~KE) T~is is a very lo~ely olace you b~v~ he~e, Zenorita. ~ARY: (~LIC~T ~PA~ISH) C~cia~, Seno~. JACK: And it i~ very bi~, ~oo. MARY: Si, Senior. JACK: C~e..i~s ~o big..do you ~qo~ ~w ~ch it ~o~t? FA~Y: No, Y ~ust work her~, De:lot May own~ the company. ~gTH01 0183Z25
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- 15 - ~B¥1 ~ W~ll..kuy r~me is Msria. •! l~ve wlbh my paren~. ,an~1 I am one o~ twenty-one children. JACK: Twenty-one childr~h? , M~RY: Ten boys ~md ten ~%ris. ~ JACK: Bub that's only twenty. What's the other OneN ~¥:~ I donlt know, I haven't been home today. JACK: (FILTh) THAT ~L~Z NOW MY ROUAN,DE ~TH f~RIA START~JD.. ,AND IT BLOSSOmeD 2APIDIX...]*iE ~f~2 ~{kq4/ERE TCuET~...~INulNG • . .SW~NG...AND FI~£%~ S~ TOOK 9~ TO TH~ klTLL FIGk~S... I LITTLE ~JLL FIG~ OORRIDA MUSIC) JACK: IT WAS 9~ FIRST TIE~ AT A ~JLL FI@HT~ AND I DIDN'T IfNOU MUCH hB~JT TH~S LATIN SPORT•..WIT~ T~ TRAUf£TIO~%L BLAp~ OF TRUM/~S..TI~ FIRST h~ GOT U~i ~fAY. ( SPANISH TRUMPETS.. ) (SOUND: CRC~D ~]~E~ ) MARy: ~mok, l~ok...here comes the bull, JACK: (REG. MI~E) Wow, he ]ooks b~g. ( T~U~S ) (SOUND: CROWD Ol~s) / NARy:z,~iIere comes the Tomeador. JACK: Hey, dig that crazy steak knife. RJ ~T~07 018352G
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-16- JACK: (F17.,TER) THE FIGHT STARTED..AND THOI~H IT EORRIF~ ME, IT WAS ~LXCITLNG. o .T~ TOBEADOR DID I~ELL~ AND TO S~OW iTS APPRECIATION THE CR~CD YE~ AND SHg~IED EIM WITH GF/TS... MARIA TOOK TME EOBE 0~ OF ~R HAIR A~73 T~K~E~~ IT TO HIM.. oi DIDNIT HAVE A BOSE, SO i JUST ~l HIM MY I~L~.. • .Bb~, WI~ I T~HE~ IT, MY HEIR SAILED OD'-/ IN A WII~ C~CIE AND I~NDED BACK ON MY HEAD.. ,IT WAS T~ TOUPAY I EAD BOUGHT. IN AUSTRALIA ..... YES, MY THOUGHTS WERE ALL OF ~RIA AT THIS TIME, ~IL I FEi~ THE THRO~IT~G OF ~ LEG, AND SKEET WA~ES OF PAiN ~PT OVeR ME AND WASHED ME BACK TO CON~CIOUS~SS IN MY CAMP IN AFRICA...SUSAN WAS STIr, STANDING GUARD 0~ ME~ AND 8ME MUST .~AVE REALIZED I HAD BEEN DREAMING OF M~RIA BECAUSE SHE SA~: IRIS: Wipe that smile efff your face, M~c. JACK: (REG. MIEn) Oh...itls you, Susan•. I must have been d~eamLug •. °Hss the plene arrived yet with the mediclne? INIS: No,.they were hslfwe7 across the Atlsntio snd they hsd to turn back for the peroxide. JACK: Vo~ my leg? IRIS: No, fo~ me, ~ wasnlt bor__nn ~ blonde. JAOK: (FILTER) SUSAN'SOO'A~H~ M2, AND AGAD[ I FEIJ~ ASL~P. I FORGOT ~ PAIN OF ~ PRESENT AS I REM~/~BERED T~ PL~%SI~ES OF ~ PAST...AND IT WAS AT THIS POT/~T I _~MEMBERED...AVA~ (LIGHT ~ENCH MUSIC IN BACKGROUND) JACK: I FIRST MET AVA IN P.~RIS...GAY PAREE...AVA HAD ~Y~SINO .... B~L~.. ~ "POISEI' AND Ih~LLIGENCE° B5~ EVE~ TEOU~K S~ WAS A SOCIIYfY HEIEESS, SME INSISTED ON EARNING HER LIVING BY SINGING IN A TINY FRENCH NIGHT CLLB CALLED "T~ BAYOU" .... I SHALL NEVER FORGET T~E FIRST TIME I }5~AND K~ AS ih~ SANG: EM FIT~Ot 0183527
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( INTRO SARA : TO LA VIE EN ROSE) QUAND EEL I@Y FFIN DAHN SAy _~RAH EEL }&~y pAR!I&Z TOO BAH ~-0]{ -~'2AH IA frEE EN ~OZE ~L ~Y DEE DAY MOH D'AMOUR DAy M0H DAY TOO IE J00E A ~AH FAY ]C~L-KA S}{~'/8 ]{~L ]~ TA]~i~RAY DA}IN M0N K0R O0N PAR DE BO:~AIP~. m~N-~£~{ OONNAX L~ KOHZ M'~{AH POOR [~I DA~ {~-V~ EEL MAy -~ D~ EA JC~gFZA~ ~=OOR L~-T~ A-DAY KUH-~-~ LIApZA~QU~/{ ALOR.~]IE{.BAH~OZ~AH MON KO~N. ®lT- RF'#,01 0183528
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JP~K: SARA: JgDK: SARA: SARA: JACK: JACK: SARA: JACK: JACK: JAO~: DD -18- (FILTER) ~,¢HF~ AVA FINISHED SINGING, THE CROWD CLAMORED FOR AN ENCORE..SZ4Z S~IG "J~BALAYA" TiLL NO~ONE ~T H~ IN THE EYE WITH A CRA~ISH PIE...Z0~NA ~i~ GUN WE i~E BIG FVN IN THE BAYOU.., .THEN AVA CD2~N OVER AND SAT ~TH ~. How are you feeling? (REG M/~) Fine, Ava..and tonight we're going to do ~he Down. ,~ I~m going to start by drinking champagne out of your slipper..come on..put it on the table. Okay.. there. (SOm~D: LI~T ~) Go ~e~. ,start pou~i~4g. Take your foot out of it flrst...t~t'~ hetter..Now I'll fill t_his slipper with champagne f~r me.. (SOUND: I~TTLE POURING OF CHAMPAGNE.) There..nGw I'ii fill you~~ oD~ml, slipper for you. (SOUND: POURING OF CHAMPAGNE G43~5 ON AND ON ~D ON) ..... My left foqt is bigger than ~ right. ~#~L < ~ /,:L,~7,.~..,~,'._.' 0h~..tell me,/ Ava..am I th~ first man who e~er drank champagne from you~ slipper? Nah.. they all do... e~m{~-~igh~ g~y~hlek~-T~ ~- rcma~ You're kidding. No Ii~ %~ot..whe~ ~ walk ho~e f_~or~ here, i so~nd !ik~, Chloe coming bh~ough the swamp. l~r~..Aw?,r lio~-~[i C,.[ou-'w'Dr'~n~ ~la~e ilke thlsT:.I~t~s ~l-~O 1 0"183529
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-19- 8~. ..... Where will y~ ~g;~me? HERE TO AFRICA...THE PAIN IN ~ I~G NOW WAS L~I~ AND I HAD ALMOST GIVE~ UP HOPE, WHEN IUI~{IAY -- (SOUND: DRO~ OF PL~E.) JACK: I HEARD A DRONING NOISE. IRIS: Look, MaO, iris the pla~. J~0K: Oh ~es...darn thet Wltoh doctor. JAOK: (FILTER) BUT SUSAN WAS RIGHT..IT WAS THE M~ROY PLANE 00MING WITH SUPPLIES..BUT FATE STILL MOC}~D MS..TH~E WAS NO PLACE FOR THE PLANE TO 1AND..AS A LAST RESORT, THE PILOT SWO0P~D LOW OV~ OUR CAMP AND T~ THE ~ICINE AND P~0XIDE OUT..WE FOUND THE ~ICINE AND I GOT WELL, BUT T~ PEROXIDE DISAPPEARED..SO N~, SUSAN ~S A BRVNET~E, BUT SOMEWBEF~ IN AFRICA THERE AF~ TWO ~ BLONDE GORILLAS.. THIS IS THE NTOEY OF "THE SNOWS OF KILI~MANJAR0." (APPLAUSE mO PL~YOF~) DON: Jack will be back in Just a moment, b~t first ...... DD RI'~01 0183530
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MA~RCH 8, 1953 (t~snscrlbed February 18, 1953) CLOSING CO~CIAL DON: Jack Twill be back in just a moment, ~it first s wo~d COLLINS : o"HORUS : C 0LLI NS: COLLI~B: CHOE~#S : DON: ORCH: SPORTSMEN ES to cigarette smokers ... Nothing - no, nothi~Ji - beetm better taste. And ,., Luc~es taste bette~.' Cleaner, fresher, s~.ootbe-~.T Lucki~s taste bette~.' For Lucky Strike ~ns f~ue tobacco Rieher-t~stlrh~ fine ~obscco! Luckles taste bettem.' Cleaner, L~resher, ~moother.: Lucky Stmike ... Lucky Strike.T ~Tiends .. in s cigarette~ nothir~ - n o~ not_~ - beats better baste. And Luckies taste better ~.. oleaneP, fresher, smoother. No wondem Q-ou find faithful Lucky smokers evsrTwbere ,.. among college ~tudent~, fo~ Io,~tanc~. A nstien-wld~ survey, based on sctuml student interviews in 80 le~dlng colleges, ~ve~is that mere sr~okers in the colleges prefer Luckies titan sn7 other clga~ette. And by a wide nm~in,~ ~nat~s mort Lucky Strike galned far mome smokez,s than the pmtion~s two othsm principal b~ands combined. And why? The t~lmber o~%~ re~so~ the sttldents gave for smoking Luckies was better taste2 Yes, like so ms~y of us, these coile~e students prefer Daokies - the eigsmette that tsste~ b~ttel~ ... clesner~ fk~she~ smoother/ So for the bet~" taste that means mope smoki~ enjoy~t - he haR_~y -- Luc~.~ ~xt time, ask fo~ a cam%on oe Lucky Strike.I Be Happy -- Go Lucky Get bette~ taste today:
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(TAG) JACK: MEL: J~CK: MEL: JACK: (MUSIC AND DON : -20- Ladies and gentlemen, that oonclmdes anozhe~, pl, og~e/n and we~ll be b~,ok with you egein next ,.. (GROWL 07 CROCODILE) "What was th~? A ol, oocdile~ I f~n~lly made i~. [ Oh..O,hC.~ell, @oodnlgaz~ folks, }~e re a litt]e late. APPLAUSE ) Jack Benny pmogra~ is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, C~o~e Bzlzer, John T~ckgber~T, and ~roduced ~%nd tr&nsorlbed by Hi!llard }~s. Be sure to hear ~The Americas Wayw with Horace Keidt for Lucky Strike ever7 Th~sday ~er this same station. Go~sult yo~ news- pa~er for the time. ~e J~ck Benny program [3~s been brought to you by Luc~ Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company -- -~/~e~ica~s leadln~ m~nufactur~r of Cigarettes. DD
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PROGRAM #27 REVISED SCRIPT A~RICAN TOBACC0 C0!~ANY LUCKY STRIKE T~ JACK _,~Nl~f PROGRAM SUNDAY, ~CR i~ 19~% CBS 4:OO ~ ~:~qO I~ PST (TRANSCRIBED }~RCR 12, 19~3) PALM SPRINGS~ CALIF. f:t T ~0 1 3183~x33
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THE JACK NEEICf PROGRAM -A- S~DAY, ~ARCH ]5, 1953 (Transcribed ~{arch IE~ 1953) OPENING COZ~D~R C I AL DON: TEE JACK BEN~Z PBOGRAH , ~. TRANSCRIBED AND PRESENTED BY LUC~ S~IK~.: ~.. (p~use) ,., For real smoking enjoyment - nothln~ - n~% not_ h~_~nE - beat= better taste~ And ,,. COLLINS: Luckies taste better! C~40BUS: C!eaner~ fresher~ smoothe~ COLLINS: kuckles taste better~. CHORUS: Cl@aner, f~esher, smoother,r For Lucky Str~ke m~ans f~ne tobacco Richer-tasting f~ne toNacco~ COLLINS: Luckies taste better! C[~ONUS: Cleaner~ fresher, smoother~. Lucky Str~ke ... Luck7 Strike[ DON: YesI friends ... ~or r~al deep-down smoking =.nJoyment, nothing - ~ ~ beats better taste. A~d Luckles taste b~tte~ ... cleaner, fresher, smoother. Here's why. Luckles better taste starts with good-tastin~ t~acco ... flne~ light, naturally mild tobacco. Then, toe~ Luckies are ~ better to taste be~te~ ~°. to give y~u a ~iean~r, fresher~ smeother-tast~ng smoke. That's the secret of r~a! smoking enjoyment - Luekles~ fine tobacco~ in a cigarette that's made better to taste better, go be happy ~o Lucky! Next time you buy clgare~t~s~ ~ake it a ~ of Strike.~ B~aus~ .,. COLLINS: Luckies taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner, fresher, smoother~ Lucky Str~ke ... Lucky Strike: ~L~!C: (PROGHE~ THE'RE UP AND DOWN) DON: The Lucky Strike program starring .., ~T}<O! 018353~
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(FIRST ROUTINE) -I- (A~TER CO~ERCIAL, ~-OSlC UP AND DOWN) DON: FH0~ ~E A~EICAK LEGION H~L IN FAL~'f SFR~'S~ OALIFONf~IA~ THE LUCk-f STRINE PROGRA~, STARRING JACK ENNWY...WITH ~/ARy LIVINGSTONE~ ROCR~ESTERI DENNIS DAY1 BOB CROSBY~ AND I'yo[~s TRb~Y'I DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE..~JSIC LrP AND HOTIN) DOE~ LADIES A~'D ~ENTLRMEN...AS YOU PROBABLY }~OW~ OUR LITTLE STAR IS CO~LETELY RECOV~ED FHOM HIS RECENT ATTACK OF I?~FLUENZA. BUT HIS DOCTORS ADVISED HIM TO GET A LITTLE SUNSHIN~ AND REST, SO LAST ~UESDAY ~i~ 60T IN HIS ~V~DE~ELL A~ HAD RSCI[ESTER DRIVE EI!4 TO PAL~{ SPRINGS.. (SOL, D: ~t~ELL GOING ALONG ROAD...HONN...FADE TO R°G.) JACK: Gosh~ Rochester, no matter how ma~v times i make the trip, Y still love the ride to Palm Springs. ROCK: IT IS REAUTIFLTL1 BOSS. .TACK: What town are we pas~ing through now? ROCH: CABAZON. JACK:Ar~ yo~l sure it's Caba~on? ROCH: CERTAINLY~ WE'~ BEEN GOING THROUGH IT FOR THE PAST TWO RO~ES. JACK: Hmm...I~d like to get to the Springs befor~ dark...Altho~gh we're ~ot makln~ such ba~ ti~e Col~sider~n~ we had three blow-o~s. BOCR; FINE. JAG]f: No no~ Rochester..we on]y had flhree blow-outs. ROCH: FIVE...TEE TIRE BLEW OUT N~3EER TIMES AND YOUR RAIN BLEW SET ~CE, ~T){o1 0~83535
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-2- JACK: Oh yes~ the man behind us thought we lost our fo tail.. A~way we~ve ~een passing through some nice scenery..~/~..~ many wineries...aad mlles and miles of vineyard~. ROCH: I~EAZ, THIS IS THE WINE CO INTRY. JACK: And did you r~otice the cows..how sleek and ~at they are and they hook so contented. ROCH: TheY'RE !~ORE THAN cONTENTEDI THEY!RE DRUNK. JACK: Sochester~ sg~p making things ~p..Drun~e~ 0ow8..of all ~he-- ROCH: OH, OH. JACK: ~hatts the matter? ROCH: WE'RE AL'~T 0L~T OF GAS. WE BETTER STOP AT A GAS STATION. JACK: Oh~ ~ right...Hmm~ ~ow we have to ~o through lifting ~ the 3eat and everythlng...oh, well. ROCH: ~/d I~LL DRIVE INT0 ~{IS STATION ON T~ ~.(ENF~."] (SOUND: CAR ~R!VINS INTO G~_S STATION...AND BELL RINGS ~g THEY GO OVER RUBBER HOSE., .CAE COZgES TO STOP.) ~/~ (SLIOHTI.Y ~[00LEY) (CHEERFUL) Good afternoon, si~] J&CK: (~AD). Yeah, good afternoon, good afternoon. MEL: it's a lovely day~ ain't it? JACK: 9.11 righg, so It'~ a lovely day. R0CH: BOSS~ WHY BE }i%D AT HIM~ IT'S NOT 7~IS FAULT GAS WENT [~ TWO C~NTS A GALLON. SACK: Never mi~ Roche~ter...S~st service the oaT~ Et~d.
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MEL: JACK: MEL: ROCH: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: I~EL: JACK: MEL: -3- Okay, ~SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) Say Mister,.these tires are In pretty had condition...You ought to g~t new ones. i know? but I'm waltlng.~every day theylre making Improvements in tires and I want to make sure I get the latest thing. . I ~ell the latea~ thing right here~..tubeless tires. WE'RE WAY AHE~AD OF THAT? V~E'VE GOT TIRELES~ TUBES. That'lL'%e enough out of you~ Mr. Van Jones.~.nevmr mind Yes slr..fill 'er up? Well...How far ar~ we from Palm Springs now? Seventeen mlle~. # Seventeen mllesV Lee ~ see,.The altitude here is 3100 feet...and the altitude of Palm Springs is 270 £e~t~ which is ~ drop of twenty-eight hundred and thirty-feet--whlch for 17 miles would be about a three and ,~ quarter per cent grade,..Now the wind i~ at our back~ but ~t ~he pass it becomes a headwl~d of about nineteen miles an hour..Mm~m,,. Let me see.. ,~ ~ put in two and four tenths gallons. Yes~ Mister Einstein. My name Isn't Ei~steln, Oh yeah,,Your initials are on the side of the car~., B,H, RT;YO? 01~3537
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-4- JACK: Those aren't my lultlals..they belong ~;o the man I bought the car from. B.E,?,..Bob Hope? Neve~ ~ind~ Rochester~ Just stand up and drlve...No~ l~t's get going, we want to arrive at the Springs before dark. (BOUND: ~,TOT 0R UP) (gRANSITION MUSIC) DON: yF=q~_LJUUC~ REN2LE~N,~THAT WAS TBL~SDAY...F~IDAY WAS A BEAUTIFLV~ DAY, .AND JACK REALLY ENJOYED IT. ° .h~E VISITED ~t4Ry LIVINGSTONE AT TF~ PARK LANE HOTEL, AND THEy SPENT THE AFTEENOOH AEOf/ND T~ SWIVellING FOOL. (SOUND: GAY CROWD NOISES..SPRING B0~RD..SPLASNING IN POOL) JACK: Gee~ the sun feels good~ ~fary. ~ARY: Yes..a couple of more boars of th~s ~nd we~ll both have ~eautg ful tans, JACK: Say.,. er,, .~ry? MARY: ~/~J Yes~ Jack. /i •: JACK: Er...~ary....iTd ilke to talk to you. ~Y: What is ~-t? JACK: Well,..It*s" ~ itt~e embarrassing. ~%RY: For heavens ~akes? J~eko.what !8 it? JACK: Well...I donrt like to mention this..but.,er..your tathing suit is awfully snug and skimpy. ~EL: ROCH: JACK: RT~01 0~83538
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MARY~ Weli~ go in and take it off~ I didn't want to lend it to you in the first place~ JACK: We!l~ I can't help it if Rochester gorget to pack my suit.,. You think i like wearing yours?....itm going ~o have an awfui time explaining my tan to the boys in the steam room. ~-~qY: Oh~ stop pouting and en~oy yourself. JACk: I am enJoyin~ ~vself.~'.Zf there,s cue ~Spot ! love for ~ vacations, ~ Im Springs...Come on, ~Py~ !etls go In the pool...Last one in is a rotten egg. H~...Wha~ was that, Jack? ~ JACK: ~ald~ last one ~n is a rotten egg. ~IARY: (SARCASTIC) Oh i'm so glad you said that. it ~kes k, me feel like irm~ut with Noel Coward. Thank you...here [ go. " --. (SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS..SPLiSK AS JACK DIVES IN POOL) MARY: GeeI ~ didnlt know Jack could dive tha~ well. (SO[~D: LITTLE wATER NOISES..T~N SILENCE) %~ARY: Hmmm...he has~rt come ~p yet .......... I wonder ~hat happened ........ ! hope there's ~othing W~O~g ........ gosh~ It's bee~ nearly a minute ........ How can he hold his breath that long ...... ..I better Jump in and -- Oh~ good~ he~s coming ~p now. <SOUND: LIGHT SPLASHING NOISE) R r:l<o '1 0183539
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-6- JACK: (BID EXHALE) ... Whew...~ry, why didn't you tell me those trunks had no string? ... it's the last time I ~ver w~r yollr suit, MARY: Good~ ... and take off my cap~ you look like a honey-dew melon. JACK: 0kay~ okay. I'm getting out. (SO~D: SPLA~iiNG) JACK: How about ordering us some lunch? ... Brr~ it's cold when you get out.,.Mary~ threw me a towel, (StL~D: LIGHT PLOP..~F~Alrf SPLASH) JACK: You dldn~t have to throw it so hard~ help me out of the pool, ~"~ Oh walter~ waiter. HERB: -f~ .Mis s. MARY: l~ll hav~ har~ourger and a gl~ss of milk. HERB: Very good, an~-~hat will you have..er....er .... er... ~.M: Don't call him ?~ada~that bathing suit is mine. JACK: Yes...and her~ Mary..h~r~Js your caD. HERB: Oh. it's you~ Mister Benny..!'d~,,dn't recognize you. JACK: i kno~ I know..,lIl~ have a sllce~-~hie~en ~and~ich ~nd-- HERB: A glass of 0valtine. J~CK: That's righ% some 0valtine.
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-7- ~ERB: ~Y~ know~ 9~. Beraay~ I~ve waited on lots of people...but you're the orgy man i know who ~rd~s Ovaltine with every meal, "~" _... MARY: He llkes to he asl~ep when ~be~ check comss. JACK: Thatls not it ~t all...~ llke 0valt~na.~.Now brlng us ou~ food~ waiter. HER~Sw" Yes, ~Ir. ~'" ( TRANSITION ~.NSIC ) DON: T~A_T NAS HO~7 JACK SPEN~ F~IDAY..A~'D ON SATURDAY, FEELING FULL 0~' VIM~ VIGOR AND VITALITY...HE TRIED HIS LUCK ON THE TA/~ABISK GOLF COU~qSE ~IITH BOB CROSBY. (SOUND: O[FfD00H ~{0ISES ) JACK: What did you have on this hole, Bob? BOB: I ~t a par four.
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-8- JACK: ~OB: JACK: BOB: JACK: Four? BOB~ Yes, Jack four. JACK: Hmmm...I was sure you took five strokes. BOB: c9~ No, my tee shot was right down the m~dd]e...then ! used a s~x iron and was right on the green..,~y first putt just rimmed the cup...and my second putt was in. Yeah~ you're right,.you did ~mve a four..,Well...l guess you win that hole. Why, what did you have? Twelve.., .Well~ r~ybe ITll beat you on this next hole...Go JACK: JACK: ehead~ tee off. Okay. (SOUND: (SLIGHT PAUSE) SWISH OF GOLF CLUN..CLICK OF IT HITTING BALL) Nice shot, Bob...Now stand back, please (ORUNTS)...Hmm .i want to make sure itts teed up Just right ..... T~..JJnat-- (SOUND: PAUSE..THEN LOUD SWISH AS JACK MISSES BALL) H~? missed it. I~ TIWO '! 0~935~2
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JACE: JACK: BOB: JACK: JACK: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: (SOUND: Kmm, (SINGS) (CROSBY'S SONG -- "PRETEND") (APPLAUSE) -9- PAUSE..SgrlSH 0F ~ISSING AGAIN) (SO[~D: PAUSE..~ISH OF MIS~ING) (SOUND: PAUSE..SWISH OF MISSING They're not making the balls as big this year. Oa da da dum. Oh quiet, ...and stop grlnning~ you ~ake m~ nervous,. ,Now ):ere goes. (SOUNd: SjNISH..HITTING OF mALL) • / There, I hit it,~,w4~ere did the ball go~ BOb? C~ Yau sliced i$ into the rough. Oh, wel]..LetI-~ go look for Jr, (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS IN GRAVEL) (STKRTS TO H~ HIS SONG) Gee~ thefTS a pretty son~ Bob. Zeah..I'~ gol~na do it on the show. Oh good~ good°.oLet FLe hear it and 19 I don~t find my ball, sin~ a= encore~ ~C~'*.~-t/"z.~-;~X ..... ~ 6~ ~-~C / ¢91M0~ O'I O 3S4-3
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-I0- (SECOND ROUTI~) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS IN GRAVEL) JACK: Thatts a nice song. BoS~ end I liked ~he ~ay you-- BOB: Hold it~ Jack~ wefre walking past FOUr ball, 2 JACK:Oh~w~/here is it? BOB:~,~~ Bight behind that tree~.~'ve got a real Bad lle there. JACK: Oh yes..,Hmm..It~s about two hundred yards to the green... i've got to keep it low so i don't hit the branches of ~ ~ree¢..~d then I~ve got to get It Up high to go over those other trees.~4~ right in f~cD~ of the green there18 tkat big sand t~ap.~.Bob..,what do you think I ought to use? BOB: Sen Hcg~n .... ~ ~ / • JACK. ~..~-m~v.~..Gee, i was in ~his s~m~ ~ot yest rday when I olaved with Star~ey / (SOUND: CO~LE OF~OOTSTEPS IN ~F~VE~) ~/i~ JACK: If this tree wasn't directly in the way I could-- [SOUND: KICKING BALL WITH FOOT) JACK: Hm..where did that ball go? BOB: (WAD) You know where it went~ you kicked it right out ~n%o the fairway. JACK: Well~ it was a~ accident. BOB: Som~ accident, ~he first k~ek you missed ~t, JACK: ~ell~ It w_~ ~n aceident~ and I~m goon~ shec~ it from there.
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BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: JACK: -11- (~AD) 0h~ no, you're not,,.The rules say that if you move a ball~ it coats yo~ a ~troke..and you cantt argue with me because I know the rules of golf. You know7 Bob, this is an amazing coincidence. WhatTs a coincidence? It was exactly th~s time ]ast year~ right here on this course that my Ex-orchestra leader became my Ex-erchestra le~der because h~ too l~ew the rules of golf....Now Caddy~ hand me my three wood. (SOUND: Thank you. (EOOND: RATTLING OF CLUBS) PAUSE..~gISH OF GOLF (~UB..CLUB HITTING BALL NigELY A~ TAKING OFF) ,TACK: WhereTg it go~ where'd it go, whereld it go? BOB." /~{~LLI donft know, but when we get to the ~reen~ Just drop a ball in the hole~ I've got a wife and five kids to support. JACK: Dh stop...there It is...just~n~e green. 6 B0~: ~ That was a swell shot~ Jack...Now letls walk over to where &DI... (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS IN GRAVEL) JACK: Gee~ these few days in Palm Sprlngs are doing me a lot of good. IIll feel great when we do o1~r ge&evlslon s~ow next Sunday, BOB: Yeah~ and with this tan I~ve got, i won't need a lot of make-up. JACK~I~./~ell, herels your balll ~g~£~ Bob .. Your shot. BOB.~,~ All i need is/a ±~ttle chip... ~T;WOl 0183545
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-12- (SOUND: LITTLE CHIP SHOT) JACK: Nice shot, Bob...right on the green.,.Come on.. (SOIg~D: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Well~ wefre both ok the green in two. BOB: Yeah.,.ymu Butt first~ Jac~ you're a~ay. JACK: Putt? Aren't you going to concede that? BOB: Jac~I youJve got a~ ~Ight ~oot put~ there, Give me one good reason why ! should concede it. JACK: i'll give you six -- your wlfe and five children. advantage of your pusition as boss, JACK: Me an~unfalr boss? HOB: Yes,.you ~ak? everybody who works for you ~o anything you want ~em to do.~Y£u put t~Iok clauses in our contracts and eve~ythlng. ~" JACK: Oh Hob, stop exa~gerating.,~=-/[ you want me to DUtt~ II!l putt...Caddy, hand me my putter. ~i~RY: Here you are. JACK: Thanks~ 4ary....Now quiet~ everybo~v. (TRANSITION ~ZISIC) YES~ FOLKS..THAT'S WHAT JACK DID SATUHDAY...BUT NOW THiS IS SUNDAY, THE DAY I~ DOES HIS RADIO BROADCAST...AND IN HONOR OF OUR LOCALE~ TODAY WE ~E GOZNG TO DO A DRA}~TIC PLAY BASED 0N Ii{E HISTORICAL DISCOV~]RY OF PALM SPHINGS...CURTAIN • . .MUSIC... DON: P~] H01 0183546
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(~V;3SIC) DON: JACK: DON: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: ~L: -13- LADIES AND GENTLE~s~N, .ALTHOUGH FOR CRNTD~IES WITHOUT ~U69~BER~ THE AREA AROOND PALE SPRINGS WAS L~OWN AND LOVED BY THE INDIANS, IT WAg NOT DISCOVERED BY THE W~dTEE MAN TILL 1774. IT WAS IN THIS YEAR THAT ~YE SPANIARS PUS~ED THEOUGH~/HE DESERT ~-HTO C~LIFORNIA. BUT T~ SPANI~qDS~ HUNGRY FOR GOLD, SAW NO VALUE IN THIS AREA AND PUSHED ~ TOWARD THZ COAST, FOE L~EaRLY ANOTHER CENTURY PALM SPRINGS ~E~IE~ED SLEEPING IN ~E S~/~ A V~RITABLE PARADISE FOR THE INDIANS OF T~ AGUA CALIENTE TRTBE, This isn't funny~ folks~ but up till now Don has had nothlnE~ ... Contlnue~ Donzy. THEN IN THE ~AR 18~3, %~O INTREPID EXPLOETRS HEADED I~ST FRS~ TEXAS INTO THE BLISTERING BURNING DESERT. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS TRUDGING THROUGH SAND) (WESTERN) The sun~s-u~Is hot today~ Tex. (WESTERN) Yep..thls sans is burnin~ mah feet, TeL Ah think it's even hotter than it was yesterday~ Tex. Ah .th~k you're right~ Te×. Well1 letTs push on~ Tex. Right behind y~h~ Tex. (TO AUDIENCE) You know, one of us shouldTve come from Colorado .... Tell you what, Tex~ you can callrme Sllm. Okay~ Slim..and ah think we're lost in this desert because.. Walt a mlnute--Iook.,thereTs a man coming towards us. Oh yes..Hello~ there~ (~WEXICAN) Buenas Dias, Meester. RT;W,,01 0'1835,.$,-~
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JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: BOB: ~EL: BOB: ~L: JACK: JACK: MEL : ,FACE: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: BOB: }~EL : ,TACK: Now look~ Amigo~ we're lost..wetve been wandering through this desert h.a~- ~ for days without water o~ food..eur skins are burned to a crisp and o~ir feet worn ram...maybe you can help us. Se hable tempro no dies Cahuilla, portnerlo tacos. What does that mean? Next ~ime take the train and relax. Donrt be stupid..there~s not a train within a thousand mil~s of here. Yeah..Do you live around here? Oh no~ ~eester. The~ what are you doing out here In the desert~ anyway? i'm looking for my see~ter~ meester. Your sisterts lost~ eh? When dis ~he disappear? Last night was when I first meesed he~. Your se~ster? YesT Meoster. And youtve been walking through the desert all day? Yes~ and on my foot i h~ve a bleeste~, Wel!~ that's too -- ~eestsr. ~mm,, Hey~ that sls~eT off yours~ is she beautiful? YesI yo~ co~idnTt reeseester. ~eil~ maybe yo~ can -- ¢3 TNO'/ 01835~8
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~(EL: Meester. JACK: itve had enough mf this silly ta!k.,.Ccme on~ Tex~ let's go. BOB:~/~wait a minute~ Sllm..here comes somebody else. DON: What ~re you hombres doing aroulqd mah neck of the woods? JACK: O11t of my way Mister~ weEre trecki~t onwards. DON: Oh no you aln't° JACK: Oh yes we are. BOB: Be carefu!~ Slim~,.~hsz~ WlndyI ~ Wilson the toughest men JACK: Windy wilson, ~h? ~eii~ Itll take care of that. (SQUND: G~7¢ SHOT...ESCAPING AIR ~JR LONG TI~E) JACK: i shot him right in the stomach...Yes sir, DON: (GRO~NS) Oh, you go~ me..you got me...(VERY 0RAW, TIC)... And no~ Irm a-dying,,.~'m a-headlng f~r the big corral ~ yonder ~here ~he deer ~d the antelope play on f~.~y c!ouds..~here th@ye a~t Ilo 3ost !itt~e dogies~ and the ehu~k wagon is always £~lled...L~ [ m a-headlu~ for that big heavenly ~ound-up ~ in the sky. Yes, i'm a-goln'-- JACK: Oh shut up~ you've had eneugh to do. DON: (STRAIGHT) I'm sorry. (SQU~: BODY THI~)
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JACK: BOB: MEL: -16- ;i__9~- .-C"~¸ ~ ~ Walt..°llere some three guys on horseback. " ~% ~OD]{D: HORSES COMING) They will not hurt you~ M+,esfler~ they are my brothers~ the Guadalajara Trio .° They are singers. JACK: The C~adalajara Trio? (APPLAUSE) J&CK: Who was that applauding? ~EL: I don't know~ deeg this crazy desert, JACK: Yes~ yes .. sing ~omethlng~ boy~. ~FMO'I O'IS25E;O
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TRIO: ORACION CANINE ORACION DEL ~N CANTO DE LOS N~GROS ORACION DEL ~:AR. PIEDAD~ PIEDAD PARk EL OUR SUFRE TONIGHT, TONIGHT SOLO: WE SMOKE A LUCKY TRI0: UN POCO DE COLOR EN NUESTKAS VIDAS Y DNA POCA DE LUZ EN NT/£STRA AURORA. LUCKY STRIKE ~.~.~NS FINE TOBACCO. PIRDAD~ FIEDaD PANA EL QUE LLORA I~ POCO DE COLOR IS BETTER TASTING L N M F F T, ~ANS FINE TOBACCO (FADE OFF IN DISTANCE) (APPLAUSE) -16A-
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-17~ (THIRD ROUTINE) JACK: That was very good~ 8enors..~Now come on~ Tex..WeTve gotta ~0 and discover Falm ~princs... ~0 lon~ Amigo, ~L: Adlos..and if I do not see you till t/%en, Happy Easter. JACK~ Thanks. MEL|Meester. SACK: Yeah~ yeah...Come on~ Tex. 2 MEL: ~/~_' 0~e moment~ Senor. JACK: Now what? ~L: I bet ~o,~ you are surprised to meet a ~[ex~can who does not do that silly talk shout Cy. JACK: Cy? JACK: NOW CUT THAT OUT...CO~ ON1 TEX.~.ON TO Di$COV~_~ PAL[~ SPRINGS. (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND: TRUDGING IN THE SAND) JACK: There's no donbt shout i~. Tex...we're lost. ~1,~01 01t13552
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-18- BOB: (E~US~ED) Yeah~ Slln~ and you I~tt~, go On without ~e.,. Ah can't make it...Ah~m too tlred~.to'o'thlrsty.,Mah throat is parched ~nd---and--i-~ JACK: Tex~ what a~e you ~taring at? / BOB:~?/J~/~I LOOK b~ AHEAD..THEREtS A POOL OF CLEAR COLD WATER..AND A BEAUTIFUL-~L STANDING BESIDE ZT...LET'S GO...YOU CAN HAVE THE WATER. ~ACK. <OFF) TEX~. TEX, C0~E BACK1 ZT'S Oh'LY A MIRAGE. BOB: { SEAUf ) Hello, beautiful. ~ARY: (SEXY) Hiya, handsome. JACK: (O?F) TEX, C0)~ BACK ... IT'S A MIRAGE. BOB: ~ow abo~t a kiss~ Sweetie? MARY: Okay, Outie~ come here. (BOB AND MARY O0 ZNTO A LONG~ LONG ~fISS..THEv HOLD IT AS JACK ~PS S~YING FOLLOWING THINGS) JACK: TEX~ STOP HISSING THAT ~RAGE ..... TEX~ YOU'RE ACTING CRAZT ..... I TELL yOU IT'S A ~41RAGE.,oTE_ XX~ STOP!! BOB: <raZED) ,o~I out JACK: YoU were making a .* * of yonrself...you were standing there kissing ~ mirage. BOB: Are you sure? ,TACK: Ge~t~lml~~-. You had your arms around a cactus plant. BOB: Cactus plant?., What a fool I've been[ ~TN01 0183553
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-19- JACK: Yeah. BOB: For the past two weeks I've been walking right bF ~em. JACK: N~w look~ Tex~ get a ~rip on yo~rself.,Heres take these last few drops of ~at~r o~t Of ~y canheen..,I do~ft think we have too far to go, (g~ANSITIONMUSIC) (SOUND: TRDDGING TP~q0U6HSAND) JACK: We must be getting near Palm Springs now...We've been going through %hase vineyards fur days. BSE~ Yeah, and look..here comes a cow. ~EL: MOQOOO00-HIC ! JACK: 1111 be darned..Rochester was r~ght ..... Tex~ look--look-- ~here,,~e made It...T~ds ~8 Pal~ Sprlngs...read the sign on that building, BOB: WELCOME TO PALM SPBINGS...TRY YOUR LUCK AT CACTUS PETE'S GA~BLING JOINT AND DATE SHOP. JACK: Come o~...iet'~ go in, (SOUND: COUP~ OF FOOTSTEPS,.,DOOR OPENS...TINNY P~AN0 )~SIC F0~ FH~} SECONDS TP/EN OUT,, BABBLE OF VOICES..THEN DOV~ TO B,G ..... THEN PO'~DING ON BAR) P,] ~Of 0183554
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{. -20- MARY: (SEXY) Hya, fellows. ~ome rlght In. JACK: ~o are you? MARY: IIm Tumbleweed Tess~ the owner. JACK: Oh..helio ~ Tess. BOB: Wait a ~Inute...Hey~ Tesso..didntt I see you i~ a mirage before? MARy: No~ that was my siste~ Bahe~ she's a cactus plant. JACK: $ee~ Tex, I told you..~.H~.!~i 'ce-~i~l &~k~ yau--- MARy: Would you boys llke ~o ~ry your luck ~am~llng? BOB: Sure. What have you got here? MARY: BlackJaok? poker1 dlce~ and roulette. JACK: I'd !ike to play a little roulette..Zs it on the love!? MARY: Are you kidding? That wheel is so crooked we have to have the brakes relined twice a week. ~T~O~ 0{83~55
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~x -21- r ....... , Z~ )- ~-<~ . JACK: :~mm~ t~llm~ ~-r~!d..l'm gom~a play some roulette... Co~e o~ let's go in. (SOUND: OOUFLE FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPELTS., CROWD NOISES UP AND D0~I~N) ~L: (WESTERN) All r~ght, gentlemen~ how about a little action arouna here? Pick your number and watch th~ ~4Ueel go round. JACK: i'll put five dollars on twenty-eight. Thetis always b~en my ]ucky number. ~gL: 0kay..flve d~llars on t~enty-eIght. (S0[~D: SPIN OF 7~EL..%~HEN LOUD BRAKES AND %%~EEL STOPS) MELt Thirteen, y_~ ~o~se. JACK: Hmm..twenty-eight~S mah lucky n~mher..a~other five dollars on twenty-oight. (SOUND: SPIN OF ~EEL..BHAEES..?ZEEL STOPS) JACKt ~K*m~;.ahIll try it once more..Pive dollars on twenty-eight. (SOUNDt SPIN OF WHEEL..AND V~SEEL STOPS NORMALLY) JACK, ~ ii 1_a, t e_W~Z~-~! fSOUND: QUICK SPIN OF '~EEL AND BRAKES STOPPING IT) JACK: NOW WAIT A MINUTE..THIS GAME IS CROOKED. And another thing.. your face is familial- to me. Haven't i seen yon before~
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MEL: Could be. YU the last half bout I was a gas station attendant, a ~exiaan and a drunken oow. JACK: Ah thought so ~. Come'onv Tex~ let's g~t out of here. (APPLAUSE ~ND PLAYOFF) -22-
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JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, the very best Easter sift of all is the support you g~ve~ through Easter sealsI to children who need your help. These seals provide medical care~ nursery centers an4 many other things that are needed. So glve and give generously to the Easter Seal agency in your community. Or send your eontrlbutlon to Crippled Children care of your loeal Post Office, Tha~< you. (APP~USE) DON: Jack will be back in just a moment~ but first a word ~o olgarette smokers .... Nothing .., No~ Nothing Beats Better Taste .,. And Remember - I~ITX01 C] '1B 3 5~L.t
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THE JACK BENNY PROGRA£{ -B- ~Tran~erlbe_ ~arch ~,~ 19~3) DON: Jack will be Back in jus~ ~ mament~ but first a word to ~igarette ~moke~s ~.. nothing - no, nothi_~_gn~ beat~ better taste~ ~nd l!emembe~ ~.. COLLrHS~ Luekles taste better~ ~0RUS: Cleaner~ f~esher~ ~oother~ COLL~NS~ Suckles taste bette~ CHOR~: Cl~an~r~ fresher~ s~oc~her! F~ Lucky ~trike means fine tobacco Riche~-tastln~ ~ne ~ohaeco! ~0LLINS: Lucki~s t~ste bette~ CHOR~: Clea~r~ fre~her~ smoother! Luck7 Strike ~.. Lucky ~trike! DON: Friends~ it stands to reason. The c~g~rette for you ta smoke is the one that tastes ~ because when ale is sa~d and done~ no_n_q~h~r~ - n~o~ ~ beats better taste. An~ Luekies taste b~tt~r .,. ~iea~er~ fr~sher~ smoother. ~auI~ agree~ once ~ou try them~ ~nd he~e~s -~ny - Luekles ~etter tast~ ~eally be~ ~Ith ~ine tobacco. ~ost ~rlyone can t~l~ ~ou - LS/~T - Lucky ~t~ke ~eans fine tobacco ... fine~ _±ght, ~tural~y mild tobace~ ~ith a ~onde~f~l aronm a~d even be~te~ t~t~° An~ Luck~es ~s~ t~ste ~e~ter because they'~e m~de b~tter. ~heyrr~ mad~ round ~d fi~m and f~ll~ ~cked~ t~ draw freely ~d smoke ~venly - to ~ive yo~ a cleaner~ f~esher~ smoother smoke. ~o ~et the better t~ste that fine tobacco in ~ Better-ma6e clgarette can give. ~hen ~ou bUN ciNarettes~ ask fo~ c~r~on of Lucky Strike~ SPO~TS~N Be happy -- ~o Lucky QU~R~T: Get better ~aste t~day~ (LONG CLOSE)
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(TAG) JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK; (APPLAUSE DON~ -23- Ladies and gentlemen~ this concludes another show from Palm Springs .. ~,n6 Bob, S want to tell you that it Was a l<~t of .~an nIaying golf with you while we were down here. Well, thanks, Jack, but there's Somethin~I wanted to ask yo~ All the time we were piaylng, you carried a golf b~ll in ycuz hend and yet you never ~sed i~. Well, Bcb~ i never use that ball. You See~ it'~ a memento of my happiest memez.y in all the yearsI~ve ~een play~ ng golf. 0h~ you made a hole in one with it? No, b~t two yeats ago at HIllcrest so~eo~e drove that hall off the tee~ hit me on the he&d~ I sued and collecte4 two thousand ~ollars...Goodnlght, folks. & }~SIC) ~he Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam PerTin, Mglt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Taokabe~ry~ and p~educed and transcribed by [~llllard ~arks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Hol-ace Heldt for Lucky Str~ke every Th~rsdey over this s~me station~ Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny P~ogram was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the Amerlcan Tobacc~ Company o.. Amerlca~$ leading manufacturer o!~ cigarettes. 0183551.)
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p ROG~M ~8 I~ISED S0 RIPT BDNDAY, MARCH 22, 1953 AMEI~ICAN T~ACC0 COMP~rf LUOKY STRIKE TI~E JACK BEI%~f PROGRAM CBB 4:00 - #:30 PM PST (TI~CEIB]ND MAEOTI 18, 1953) RU
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TH~, JACE BENNY PR~RAM SUNDAY, MAHC~ 22, 1953 (Transcribed Msrc~ 18, ].953) OPENING C0~ECIAI, -A- DON: COLLINS : CHORUS : COLLI~B : CH0~CS: COLLINS : CHORD~: DON: C OT.~NS : RU T}~ J~CK BENNY pRO}RAM ,.. T~NSCEIBED AND ?RR~\%~D BY LUCKY STR~i -- you know in a oigs1~tto . .. nothing - no, oothin~ - beats better taste, And ,.. Luckies taste better: Cieane~j ~'resbe~ smootherI. Luckles ~a~te bette~~. Fo~ Luok~- ~t~ike ~ans fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacoo: Luckies tsste better: C~eane~ f~sshe~, 8~ootber~. Lucky Strike ... Lucky Striks: Friends, ~ast_e ~akes the big ~iffereoce in you~ smokiug eu~oyment because uothing - ~ nothin~ - beats bette~ taste , .. ~nd Luckies ~aste better: Zes, Luckies do taste bette~ •.. cleaner ~nd ~reshe~ and s~ootbe~ . °. Here' s why. First of all, Luckies are made of fine tobacco that's light and mild. Nsturull3K, it's good- tasti~, tobsoco~, The~ ~oo, L~oki~s are made botte~ ~o taste be~te~, so that evsry puff will ~ive you the full oujoyment of that fine tobacco. So friends, get the better taste.,, and the great~ smoking enjoyment.,. of fine ~obacco, in the bette~-~ade cigarette. Yes, be harpy -- go Luc~: Make you~ next ca~ton - Luc~ Strike: you'll find .... Luckles ~aste better: RI'NOl 0183562
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. ~ T~ JACK BE~ pROGRAM SU~AY, .MARCH 22, 1~53 (Tra~scz,ibed March 18, OP~NING COMMERCIAL ~CONT'D) Z953) DON: Cleaner, fresher, ~mooDher: Lucky St~iks ... Lucky Strike: T~ LUCKY STPXKE PROGRAM STARRING . • RU RT,~{O~ 0183563
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-1- (FIAT mOV!~ ) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, _MUSIC UP_ ~AD DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRI/(E pRCGF~M, STARRING JACK BENNY...~-iTH MA~ LIVIN@STONE, ROCHESTER~ DENNIS DAY, B~ C_RDSBy, ~/~3 "YOUR8 TKu'LY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE: ~L~IC UP AND D0~) DON: LADIES AND 6~Eh~LE~N, Z~%M~D~.-mEIE- ATTER T~S F~lO PRCGP~ JACK BE~}Zf DOES HIS TELEVISION ZHOW...B5~ M~L~NZgHIIZj LET'S Go out TO JmK m ,I zs .<m i 0 HE HAS JUST FINISHED HIS BHEAKF~T. (SOUND: BI~AKF~T DISB~S NOISES) ROCH: DYSD YOU ENJ:Yf YOUR BRKA_KF~T, M~R. B~N~Y? JACK: ca, it ~sg wonderfui...~nd you knowj Roohe, ste~, i liked atsrting off with that pink graNiPli%, k~ere do thoee pink grapefruit come from, ~.? ROCH: FLORIDA. JACK: Flo~ida, eh? I wonder whst makes them mink? ROCH: "WHEN THEY S9~ T~ SIZE OF OUR CALIF0~NIA GR~F~FRD-I% THEY BLUSH. JAOK:~Roc~ste~, you're cute. (SOUND: CHAIR SCRAP~ AS JACK ,SETS UP) JACK: And thst w~s a swell breakfast. SAY~ _ . BE~Y...YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF EGG ON YOUR CHIN. JACK: I h~ve? .... hand me a spoon. ROOH: OH, B~SS, %~PE ~ OB~~, IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO SAVE. JACK: I'm ~ot senna save i% I ~ust didn't want to dirty a napkin. --~.Our Bendix nmchines a~e loaded ~u_~ • J MEL: (SQUA%~[S AND WHISTLF~) (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS) RU
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JACK: t#~Helio, Polly. ME~L: ~ (SQU~S AND W-~II~ER5 3~D~) JACK: ~ Hello, Polly, MEL: JACK: ROCH: -2- ~., ,Roohester~ why doo~rPo~y seel 8zPaid of i~e? WEI~j IT'8 GETTING CLO~E TO EAS~R, AI~ yOU KNOW HOW YOU FORCE HER. JACK: Well, she meednYt wor~..+~his yeal• weEr~ goi~ to buy the e~_Es .Hello. Polly. ~L: Hello. (HAPPY ZQUAW~5 A~D WHISTLES) JACK: That's bet~er..Rochester, £trs such a beautiful day. think I~l~go for a -~alk, ROCH: YOU'~ BEEN TA-KIN~ A LOT OF WAI2~ LATELY, MR. BENNY. JACK: I kno~.2.'~hen I !~ft the hospital and ~¢ent to Palm Sp~in~s, the dootol, to]d me I was flne~ hut I ought bo gez a ~ittle mo~e exe~oise. ROCK: ~G~ WOULD YOU L~ TO MOW T~ LA~? ~ JACK: No no~ ~I! wslk...donlt be so gaod ~o ~/].~.lill see you late~. (~OL~ND: COUPL~ FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OFFzNS & C!DSES... FOOTZTERC DOWN COUPLE OF STEPS...ON CFI@3NT.. SUSTAIN...LIGHT OLS~DOOR _~-ND 'I/RAFFIO ~OISE8 5L~TAIN IN BACIG]ROR~D) RU ~]-~01 0183565
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L JACK: -3- Gee, it's certainly a nice ~oday...Sp~-ng Is he1~...and everything -Looks ~-o beautiful. (D~P BREATH) H~m~, the air smells so fresh,..! feel g_~a5 since ! got out of the hospltal...A pe~son doesn,t r~li~s tbe tremendous advances medical ~clence has ~ade...All those new wonde~ dr~gs t, heyIve i~vented..,Auro~cin...Chloro~ceti~ Co~iso~s, .~e~iciilin, and the Four-'~sy Cold Tablet...Now they ve~got a Twelve WaY Cold Tablet...That' s for ~eople who get sick watching th~se dimensional pictures...That stay lu the ~ospital sure did me a lot of ~ood...uo busluess...no phone ca!!s...~ust woude1~ful ~st ~nd quiet...The dootoms wanted me to stay in the hcsFltel a l!tt~..e lo~iger, but I insisted on getting out... T~enty bucks e day...Fortunately, I was Kettlng twenty-five fgom the Blue Cross...I think next week I'll tell them I~m out...H6~J,2t~r~9's thstfoute little Washburn ~/~I playln~ with her doll. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) _RU /:1T,~'¢O 10183566
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JACK: Hello, Beve x~l~. BEVERLY: Oh, hello, Mr, Benny.,.±tts nice to see you out of the hosplzal. J~CK: ~ Thank you, Beverly. B~VS-~: What did you have, s boy or s ~irI? ~ ~ , t JACK: (LAUGheD) No no, ~o,.i had/the flu. BEVERLY: Gee, I didn't know hheve we~ boys, Eirls, and flues. JACK: Bevel, ly, you~ re mixed up. o .~~he flu is like a cold. BEVB~X: Hell, didn't you b-~ing anything home f~om the hospital? JACK: NO. BEVERLY: Then they cheated you. Eve~ time ~ Mommy ~oes, she brings ho~e a baby. JACK: She does? BBVEP~LY: Yes, she's such a ~ood customer, lest time they gave he~ two. JACK: y know~ I know, you~ %win brothers...Well, see you latem, B eve~q_y...Goodbye. B~.,~V~RLY: Goodbye, ~. Benny. (SOb~D: FOOTSTEPS _~SU~) ,r RU 0183562
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JACK: DENNIS: JACK~ T~. DENN_~. JACK: the 0 'Reiliy r s, the ~ha~.~DeSSyS ~ ~Dd T~O O TT_~ys gathe~ at Our house.. oe remonies begl ,st. Pat~l the snakes ou~ l@n dances an Irish j~g,.at }alwa~ Ba~ and When Irish ~yes Are ~millng...a~d thmS~.-at six o:elook, ~e all stand sil~l~ for two minutes while we bow our heads towards 700 N. Re;fo~d D~ive. five o~clock the telling the story of how • A~ five fifteen, I steg I~ T~O'I C1183568
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-6- DE
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DH ~T~<01 01835P0
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I~ENNX_S:~Eow guid you li~e my so~Ig, Mr. Benny? JACK: Just a minute ~ p~u~is...Sixty-~ve..s~venty..seventy-five.. eighty..°no, thatTs ~ bottle cap. ~hat's the one that l~nded right on ~V nose. Dg~NIS: Theytre ~ight° Pepsi Col~ hlts tbs spot. JACK: yeah, yeah...wel!, so long, Dennis, DENNIS: Good bye. [SOUND: FOOTS~PS) JACK: 'ib~t was a nice ~ong tb~t Dennis sang. It'll pl~obably be a big hlt. I nevel~ cou]d understand why the son~ I (SINCe) ~%en you say I be~ youz, pardon, T~ne~ I~!! come bscM to yo~. ~aen you ~sk me to forgive you~ Itl! ~eturn. Li~ the swallows ~t Se~ano, Come b~ok to --- SAY~ NOW i k-now wharfs wrong wlth my song ,.. it stln~s: Well, someday Itll write a big hit tb~t will -- (SOUh~: TRUCK DRIVES UP~ ~AK~S, ~UCK STOPS) I~EARN: (SLIGI~TLY OFF) Say, ca~ you ~ell me ho~ to get to the F~rme~' s M~rket'i' JACK: Year, you ours right at -- Hey, ~ren~t you my friend f~om Calabas~s? }~A~N: Yes st~ee.o.H~y~, Rube. JACK: Hiya.~ae~ F~rmez' s Ms~ket is om the coene~ of Third ~nd ~ai~fax. Did you come into town to buy something? JM
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-9- B~ARN: No, i'm taking this t~ckload of stuff f~om my farm ~o Boll. JACK: Oh,..~bat l~ve you got in the t~c~F HEAEN : pigs KnuCkles. JACK: Pigs ~:nuc [{le s? E~N; yep, ,the pigs ~ere drlvln~ me c~azy. ~lways crackiu' ~em. JACK~ Oh, you'~e ~Iddi~, H~N: No I~m not. HEAEN : Quiet, Porky. JACK: Say, you come to bo~ so often, why don~t you move hers? }D~N: Nope...l love calabesas, it ma? be small, but its= f~mous. Did you sver hear that poem written ~bout Oalabasas? JAOK: Well, no, I -- HEAl{N: !t1!l only ~a~e a minute.,..List~n.~.. WH~ DO ~ CALL CALABASA~ S~t~IL?/ ~J~LL, H~'S THE AN~K~ T0 TI~,T EIDDL~. TH~f I~D TO ~D~ OUR O.~oY STREET To P~ ~m w~z~ ~z~ oow~ ~ ~xooL~. (L~U<Z~S) ~AOK: S~F, that's ~ very cleve~ poem. RFARN: It w~ w~Itte~ b~ Calabasas~ favorlt~ ~on, He~-~F I/adswor~h Long~'Inge ~. " You meaa Longfellow. Ne~e, Longitudes, got his h~nd caught in a milking machiue~ Oh, oh, oh. We~l~ i bett~ get ~oinI~ ~ube..,l'm in a hurry:. Why, what,s the rush? JACK: 14EARN : JACK: ,, ,,.,., JACK: JM
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HEA~N: JACk: ~ARN: -10- I ~una get home before eight o'cloc~,..~hls is gonaa be a big ~Ight In C~labasas. They'~e ~,e-opening the movie house...They put in that new, mnderu feature. you mean three dimension~l pictures? NOpe, t~l~ies ~ Well, i hope you enjoy them. I will., .canrt wait to hear that Valentine fellow tal~. He~s ~ hot on~'. To,h, yeah,, ~bu~ bye. B0 !ong, Rube, (FAEF*S OFF SINGING) I'm ~he ~heik of A~aby...Your hea~,t belongs to me. (APpLAUd) JACK: ~ N LOIS: JACK: L01S: JM (SOUND: TRUCK DRXV/3lO AWAY) Theret~ ~ 2~eal f~iendly person. A~ ~ great fan of mine~%° he's wavlng good bye to me. Oh no, l~'s one of the pl~s ~uckles° But & fan is ~ f~n. Gee, I had no idea I wal~ed thls f~. i~re'~ Don Wllsoa's house. I wonder if Don is home. H~ must be...the house ~,~ tilted. I'll d~op in ~ud sur?ri~ him. (SOUND: Fg0T~PS VP ~0~D~¢ STAIRS...ST0~... DOOE BDT~Z~ OFF...DOOR oPENS) Why Jac~ Benny, ~b~t a pleasant sur~Ise. ~<, Hello, M~s. Wilson...I was just out fo~ a stroll and thought i~d drop in. Den's home, isn't he? Yes, come rig~t in. (SOUND: DO0~ CL0~ES)
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LOIS: JACK: LOIS: JACK: LOIS: ,TACK: LOIS: JACK: LOIS: DON; LOIS: DON; D31S: DON: JACK: QUART: JM -ll- YOU ~o~ ~onds~ful, Jack. 1~ow are you fe, eli~g no'~? Oh g~sa~. YOU ~ow, I ~d a nice m~st in P~im bo~ings. Where' s Don? .~ers in the living room pr~etici~ his dlctIso, P~aetlcin~ his diction? yes, YOU k~ow~ an ~nuou~ce~ .has to praotice eve-~y day just llke a ~usici~, I neve~ [chew that. i'll call him. ~% DON, .............. DONALD .......... H0~Y .......... SW~THF~ T ........ FA~IS 0 ~. Are yot~su_~ ~s in the house? Oh yes. He geta ~o absorbed -~hen he p?~ectices lzi~ dic~len. Let's go in. (SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTF2S...DOOR OPENS) (OFF) (SLOWiZ A~D DEI~AI~LY) H0W NOW, ~O~N COW...~E RAIN...IN SPA~N...FALLS MAIN...~f ON THE PLAIN...}~O'g,..NOW ...~RoWN...OOW ..... PETE~ PIPF~ P~OKED A PECK OF PIC ~KLED PEP_~S....SHE SE%LS..°S~ ~iiS BY THE SEA S~0RE. Oh, Dc~? HOW ~lOW b~OWtl COW, 0h,~'m so~y, dear. i ~ss re'nea~slng ~nd -- Oh, hello, Jack, Hello, Don..,don~t let me interrupt. Go right ~head with youm -- Hey, I d~dn~t ~acw the Spogtsmen Q~a~tet w~s here ~Ith you. Hello, fello~s. Emma. F~T;~O.~ 018357~t
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-12- JACK: ,~ Don, ~hat ~me you ~.nd the Spoz~tsmen work!~ on? DON: ~'~ WeTve all bsen practicing ou~ diction. ~CK: [~ Spo-~tsmea too? ,/ , DON: Yes. AB a ~tte~ of fa~t, wetve ~Y-c~m~r~i~l~ll~ .... P~eps-~ed fo~ the 8how. %~ould you llke to he~r It? JACK: ~ny sure, a~ long as Ylm here. DON: All ~ight~ fellows., ,tako it.
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QUAET : DON : QU~-R T : JM -13~ HOW NOW ,'~@~ COW H(~ NOW ~0~ COW. OKAY, TAKE IT NO?Y. YOUTV~ GOTTA ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE ~L~4INATE T~ NEGATIVE IATCH ONTO ri~E AFfirMATIVE DONrT MESS WITH M~. IN-~q%~ YOU'~E COT TO E}IDT~CIATE WiTH CI2~ITY USE WORDS ~TH F~M~LIARI~-~ ADD TO YOUR POPULARITY _rON'~ MESS WITH ~° /~-~N lid !LL0~TRATE oUR LAST ?~E~K JONAH AND THE WHAI~E NOA/~ AND ~ ARK WHAT DID ~.~F~{ BAY ~JST WHEN ~YT~ING LOOKF~ Sq DARK ACC~TUATE THE POSITIVE ELIMINAT~ THE NEC4~T!VE LATCH ONTo ~ AFFIRMATIVE DONTT F~SS WITE MR. IN-B~T~ NO~ DONr~ MES~ WITH ~ IN~TW~ HOW N~ ~OWN C0~ HOW NOW ~0WN C0~ A LUCKY ~TRIKE ~ A 5T~ C~@~I~ YE~, IT~ THE F~T YOU CAN ~ YOU'LL liKE A LUCKY WE WILL BET DON~T MESS WITH MR° IN~TW~ / ~T~O'I 0~835F6
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QUA-RT: (Cout'd) FOR P/~I~ TASTE, CHOOSE A LUCKY STRIKE TO PTIFF C£EA~ A~U~ FEE~, SUEZ qSf~OUGH NO PUFF YOU TAE~ IS EV~2 ~OUGH DONIT ~ WITE ~. IN-£~ YDUIV~ GO'~A TF2L~ AND ~ COMPARE YOU~T_~ ~ALLY kq~OW WRq{ A I~JCFOf' ~ BEST ITIS R~LLY TRb~E LUCKYI B SETT~ BY ANY ~ST BOY TRE~ ~y ~ CANTON A~K FOE YOUR, FAVORIT~ CiC~ETTE ~PEAK OLEA~LY AND WE W~LL i~i~KE A BET LUCKIES ARE WHAT YOUIEE GONNA GET NO, DORIT MESS ~£1TH MR. _~-BETWEE~ HOW ~OW }N~OWN COW HOW NOW ~-ROWN COW LUOKTE2S ARE FOR ~[E IN~ HAPPYt GO LUC~ STRIKE, JM
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~k JACK: JACK: JACK: (SOU~D: FOCTS~PS..HEAVIER ff~AFFIC NOISES If~ B.G .... ~OOTSTEPS CONTINVE ) Go~h, I walked all ~he ~y down to the sho[_~ing dlstrict. (SOUND: ~OTSTEP~ 5TOP) H~m...D~ucker~s Barber ~hop...Hai~cuts, ,a dollar fif~7, ,. How do Fou like that..~hey rai~ed ~he ppics..tbs last time I got one, they were forty cents.....-Ma~-~I-U~.~ve_ (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS UP) (I~AJ~ES) A~fah...saT, ~hat smells :~o ~oodg...Oh, it's this bakery here. (S0b~ID: F00TS~PS STOP) TC
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-16- JACK: Oh boy, 70 k at those _nice looking cakes in the window.• ~-'~ in/and buy something. (SODITD: DCOR OPENS AND BELL TINKLES) ~L: (SLIGHT NOOLEY) Y~s, sir..wb~t can I do for you? J~CK: Well, I don't ~mow...everything looks so good. ,What do you ~e o or~e nd*.) MEL: Well, we've got pies~ cakes, doughnuts, bro~mies, and oimsron ~o]Is. JACK: What? ~ZL: Cime~on -~olls. , ¥ JACK: Don tWyou mean cinnamon? MEL: Tbet's whst I said, cimsron rolls. JACK: We!l, I don,t want any of those...0h, i know, have you got any lady fingers? MEL: i used to have, but I ~dda get rid -~f ~m, they kept cracking their knuckles, JACK: Donzt be so smart. I csme in here to buy something...Now let,s see..Oh, I knov, 1,11 have a half dozen doughnuts.. that chocolate e~i~e, e~d/.and...I,Ii have this Napoleon. N~L: That's a Josephine. JACK: Look, Mi~ts~, itvs been ~mving those for years...Itls a Napoleon. MEL: It's a Josephlneo.thls is Danish pastry~ TC ]- "!O18. , 9
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JAOK : JACK: M~L: JACK: M~L: JACK: -16A - Oh, ehT~, ~....Well, I'll*have It3 anywsy. And..on secon5 thou~it Z thiD-k Irll have some of ~hose..er..clv@ron z, olls. Wh~t? I ssld I~ll hav~ some of those cimeron rolls, Don't ym/ mes~ clnn~mon rolls? # Z~s yes, give ~ six of ~hem...Ho~7 [~/ch is it~ ~-,~7~ lot ' s ~ee...doughuuts... chocolate...pss~z~...and hslf a dozen c~neron P lls...That A dolla~? ,~.. He~,e you er~, ... Goodb.ye. RU ~T~01 0J83580
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TC ~'~ T'~O ! 0183581
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-18- BOB: Oh~ yes..he starts out f.n the morr~ng with a hot toddy.. ~.hen at n~ne o,clock, he has ~apef-~uit juice and bo-debon.. at ten o~clock, he .has o~ange juioe and vocLka..and at uo0nj he has llme and gin° ~ ke~ps r~peatlng tnls until bed time. W~ii, 2o~ hs&vsnw~ sakss..~hols his doctor? A BOB: ~ He 1%esntt got a doctor, b~'s got a bartender. JACK:~/~,,Of all the -~ ~hy doesn't ~ g~t a doctor? BOB: What, and get well? JACK: What a guy. J~x~ad~-be-ai&-rS4~h~-~n-time--~a~ha JAOK: ~,~e~e-~rl~ve~r..Well, I,ve gotta be _~unning alc~, ~ab. Donlt forget mY television show this afite~nOOno BOB: Don't ~o~y, Jack, I'll be ~atchi_ng~ it. JACK: Watching i% you'~ on it. BOB: Oh, yes, yes,.See you l~t~. JACK: So !eng~ Bob. (sOUND: FOOTSTEPS) ~K~.-~.~ Bob almost forgsttlng my T.V. ~how...Gee, I ca~,t ~a±t tIT~g~2~ and do Dr. Jekyll ~nd Mr. Hyds..The ~ .... (sOUND: FOO±STFPS BTOP) ........ TC ~T~O~ O IB35B2
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JACK: ~o long ... Oh, Bob. BOB: yeah. JACK: You know ~bat w~ed you had so much 0~ . . , er, . , 30B : Ma~na~--hevav i t~? JACK: Yean~.~'~ll, I ~ust / co1~r~tt p~,onounce Ci~emoD ~ol!~. -!SA - trouble pronouncing... ran into a fellow in a bakee7 who SOB ~vg~How do you llke ¢±~t ... You mean hs couldn,t say C line.on 1,o!!s ? ~ACK: Yeah y~ah . . So long, ~ob. BOB: So long. (S 0D~ND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Imagine Bob almost forge~tlng my T. V. Show . ,. Gee, I earPt w6i~ till I get on and do Dr. Jekyll arJd Mr. iqyde... The part I like is when I change from the nice, klnd-hesrted D~. Jekyll into the mean, cruel Mr. Hyde... (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) DH ~T;~O ] 0183983
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'7 -]9- JACK: ~&/ T.hat really takes aotlng. (G~.T~S WE!RD IAUGH)....0h my ~/-- goodness, people sine looking a~ me..I'm so embsmrassed. (SOUND: SEVE~&L COI~IS ~ROPPED ON PAVF/W~mNT) JACK: Thank you....Ge% look what time it is..I batter get down to the T.V. studio. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS AND STREET NOISES) ESBIN: (ON CL~) EXTRA, EXTRA..GETyOUR PAPER }~RE..LATEST ELECTION JACK: Election ~eturns ? RUBIN: EXTRA, ~TRA..~ERB~RT HOOVER ELECTED PF~SIIENT OF UNITED STATES...H009~kq ~Fm~EATS ~D E. S~TK....~XTRA, EXTRA, k%RBERT HOOVER I~W pRESIDENT. (SOUND: ,~-O0TSTEPS FOR MANZ STEPS) JACK: .... l{wlnm...that's what I get for transcribing my shows so far in advance....Oh, "~ell, I bette~ ~mrry. (A USE PmXOFF) TC nTXOI 018358~
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JACK: --20- L~dies and gentlemen~ i~!i be back in ~nst a few seconds to tell you about my T.V. show~ but first I have a very important announcement: A few ~eeks ago I mentlo~ed that your contributions ~nd C~re pack2.ges would help the flooded areas of Europe. ~Inoe th~n I ~ve received letters from people in the st~ioken a~eas expressip~ ~atiflude for youP grezt rssponse..and here is one letter in _par ~Icular that I would llke to read. Th~Is~ I'd llke to Pee~ part of it, It's from P-~-nce Bernhamdt of Holland. He says . .~e are slowly getting on OUr feet again ~nd the Ame?ioan help has been ver~ generous ~Lnd wonderful indeed And ~s you well know, the who2e world has participated... Please Convey to your radlo audience ~he followlng..The tourists f~om America are more than welcome. All the areas that ape usually vlsiZed have not been touched. Our industrial area has not teen touched either. One thing ~h~oh Would be of g~eat ve~ue to us is continuanoe of Pimerican trade so that th?ough ~ir own earnings we can help ourseives...31moerely ~ours. Prince Be~nhandt., So, i~dles and gentlemen, thaP/cs ~zaln for your kind cooperation. DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first ....... ~; T,-~O ~ 0183585
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CLOSING C O~hV~RCIAL -C- DON: Jsnk ,~lll be back in j~st a momemt, but first a word to cigarette smokers. Nothing - no, ~.o~hlng - beats better taste. And remem'oe~~ .... COLLiI~: Luckle~ taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner, fresherj smoother! CO~,INg: L~ckies taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner~ freshe~,, ~moothe~ For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tastlug fine tobacco. COLLINS: Luckies taste better. CHORUS: Cleaner, fresher, smoothe~. Lucky Strike...Lucky Strlke. DON: Friends taste makes the big difference in cigarettes for nothing - no, nothing - beats bette~ taste. And Luckles taste better...cleaner and fresher and smoothep. ~OWj t~1~ very ]oglcal reason why Luckles do ~aste bette~. First-the fine, mild tobacco that goes into Luc~ Strike has a good taste of its own. Reme~oer~ LS/~FT-Lucky Strike _~a_ m~ fine tobacco...good t~stlng tobacco. And to let you fully enjoy the tast~ of that fine tobacco, Lnckles are ~nade better - yes made better tc taste better . .made round ~nd firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly, Remembel~, taste l~es the big dlffereuce in cigarettes. So why not eujo~ the bel~ter taste o~ fin~ bob~oco~ in ~, cigarette tD~t's made bette~. Yes~ for ~eal, deep down ~moklng enjoyment-be ?~ppy go Lucky. Get a csrtcn of Lucky gtr~ke..today. SPORTS~:Be Happy ,- go Lucky. QUARTET: Get better taste today~ (LONG CLOSE) Ft I"~0 1 0 ~B3~8~,
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/ -21- JACK: I.~dies and gentlemen I want to tl~nk you vo~y much for .~Isteulng~aud in just bhlrty seoouds i'll be doing my television, show on the entire C.B.S. network, in the ~S~me DENNIS: Oh, M~. Benny ..... -- JACK: Yos, Dennis. // DENNIS; ~t ame you dolug on Four television ~how'./ JACK: I'm deln~,~__ version of Dr. Jekyll and'Mr. Hyde• DENNIS: i never heard of It. Deunls! Dr. Je~'l~smd,Mr. P<vde is cue of the most famous JACK: classics of all time. I{~s ,about a man who ari,~s• ~ something -which changes his enti~e pers~lallty., .And yo~J }mow ~%~o wrote It? ", DENNIS: Frank Remley. "''- JACK: He did not...I'll see you on televlsion, folks, in-a few DON: The Jack ~mny Sh~rrh~h~was ~rittsn by Mitt Josefsbemg, John Tackaberry, A1 Go~don, Hal Goldman, and prcduced and t~anscribed by H~ilia~ Nark~. Be sure to ~egr The 9m~erican Way with ~orace Heldt fo~ Lucky Stmlke every Thursday over this ~ame ataticn. Consult you~ newspaper ~o~ the time. The Jack Benny Progmamwas bromght to you by Lucky Strike product o£ the ~merlean Tobacco Company..bmemlca's leading m~nufactn~em of cigarettes. RTXO'I O|B35B~:~
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88~£81,0 .O~[N 01" /~,.[VcI~O9 C, OO~ZIO~ NV31~{~V
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JACK BENNY PR03~AM ~A- SU~I~Y, ~RCH 29, 1953 (t~anscribed ~rch 26, 1953) OP-~ING COMN]ERC~L DON: Tim JACK ~h~ PROG-~M ... TFA~N~CR~T~ED AND pP~SE}~TED B~- LUCKY STRIEE! ., (PAUl) ,. ~ou ka~ow, f~lend8 .. fo~ real s~moklng enjoyment, uothln~ - ~ ~- be~ts better t~ste~ And ... COLLINS: Luckies t~ste bette~! CHORUS: Cle~ne~ freshest ~moothe~ COLLINS: L~ckles tast~ bett~rZ 0HORUG: Cleaner, f~esher3 smoother! Fo-~ Lucky ~t~ike means fine tobacco Rlcher-tastlng £~ue tobacco: COLLINS: T~ckies t~ste bette~! CHOP.U~: Cle~ne~ freshe~, Smooth®~! Lucky Strike ,.. Lucky ~t~ike~ DON: No doubt ~bout it, your e, no~ of ~ ci~ette depends on its t~ste. Be¢~us~ nothing - n~o,~ - be~ts bette~ t~ste. ~nd Luokies t~ste bette~ ~ cle~ne~, fresbe~ ~ootb~_~ Yo~ see, Luckles~ better t~ste ~t~rts with the fine, mlld~ ~ood-tastlng tobacco tbat goe~ lnto L~ck!es. And I~okies ~r~ m~de. b~tter, to ~lve you ~ ~le~ner, £resher~ smoother-t~stlng smoke. ~es~ sir, only fine tobacco ~n bette~ m~de cigarette c~n give you ~l] the deep-down smok~u~ enjoyment yo~ -~ant In ~ c±g~ette. So be bappy -- go. Lucky! Make you~ next c~ton ,.. ~cky Strike ... You'll find - COLI~N~! Luokies t~ste bette~! Cleane~ f~eshs~ sluoother! Lucky Strike ,. ° L~cky ~trlke: J0 f:~T ~'~0 I 01B3589
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FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DgWN) DON: ~ LUCKY STE~ PROgrAM, STARRING JACE BENNY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTOI~, ROCHESTER, I~NNIS DAy, BOB CRCSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WIL,~ON. (APPIAUSE...MUSIC VP AND DCW~) DON: I)~DIES AND GENT_LF~4EN..IAST SL~Y ON HXS TENSION SHCW JACK BENNY ~CTED BOT}[ ROLES I~ .~T FAMOUS CDASSIC "DR. JEKYLL AND ~. Hk~" WHICH WAS ~I~ITTEN BY ROLV~RT LOUIS S~NSON ... JACK: That Is ~IgD-t. DON: THIS IS TP~ ~COND TI/~E IN SIX MONT~ THAT A ST~ZrENSON TOOK A HEATING, JACK: Wait a mir~ute.. D~_~: AND ~ IS T~ STAR C~ CUR SH¢~....JACK ~Nh~/. (APPLAU~) DON: (LAUGH8 LIG~YLy ) JACK: Th~r/~ you, th~nk ~ou, th~nk you...Hello ag~i-n, this is Jack Bep-qy t~k~r.g. ~ £on ..... Den....Thlrtvlth~ee dlmensio~.../, • T@ll me..did ~ou w~te tb~t Joke ~ourself? Well, I don~t want to t~ke ~ll the cPedlt...My wife helped me w~ite th~t~ -- --~ JACK: Oh, ~om~ ~if~elped you, eh?...Don...Four ~ife is ~n ~otress, isn't she? DON: Jsck, ~ou ~ow very well thzt ~ay wife is an ~ctress..you,ve used her on your prcg~sm m~ny tlmes..In f~ct, she w~s on~-~ l~st week. JO ~~0~ 0183590
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JACK: DENNIS: JACK: ~NNIS : JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS DENNIB: -2- JACK: Tbatts ~ight...Don, isn't it a sh~e tD~t both of you are going to be out of work at the same tlme...I~m sorry you have no children, I~d enjoy firing them, too. DON: NO~ ~ait a ~inute, Jack, you can't fire me ~fter all the yea~s 4-h~ei've been ~ith you.,.I started as you~ announcer ~ 1934, and dur!~g all these nineteen Fears T~ve given ~u loyalty and devotion. Some loyalty and devotion..eve-~y time I cut your salary you tell everybody...Anyw~y, Don.. Tf ~ou ever c~t Iny sala~z, my mother would slap you~ silly face.. D~nni~ef Ir ~t ~l~ce, I w~n I t t~ iking to Fc~..~nd in the second place, It's about tQme ~u sho~ed up..How come yo~ missed rehearsal today? I had a tooth pi111ed. 0h,~then I'm sorry. Was the tooth givLug you a lot of pain, Dennis? No. Oh, -t~Aa ~vlty. No. Then why in the world did you b~ve Fo~ tooth pulled? Because the dentlst owed me ten dolgaes and tb~t was the only~eoulg collect. JACK: Deok,dkido.yeu let the dentist pull your tooth because he o~ed you ten dollars? Ye~h, I wish h~ owed me eleven, then I could b~ve had novacaine. J0
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...... -- ..... m JACK: Well, ! don't ~ant,to go into tb~ anymore~..NOW ~De~m:is, ~ i d~n't mind so much jou~ missing ~ehe~rsal~ but the least you could have done is let me ~q_.~w. DES"NIS:~_ did I called youm house eesterday and,~told _Rochester i couldn't be there. JACK: 0h ~ou did, eh? Well, !~m gonna call Rochester and find out... -0~r-~n~-T~-~n~- I'll die! tho n~be~._fo~-y~--geek-r- ~ ~Im@,~ ~ ~ ~t - 2 mad_~a~u~-~ene~.. (SODZ~D: ~ECEIVF~R UP...BUZZING AND FAZE TO BE&: SARA: BE&: SARA : BEA: SARA : S~ITC~OARD BUZZ~G ) ~y Mable., Wh&t i~ !% C~tr~de? Mr. Benny's line is flashing. Yeah, I -wonder t~t "The ~d And The Pocket-full" wants I'll plug in and find out. (~0~: PLUG IN) Hello...l;es, M~. Benny ...... Very ~ell, I'll see if i can get him for you. (SO_~[0: PLUG OIF~) He ,~ants I should ring his house and get him Rochester.. ,~ee,~you sounded awfully form~l ~hen you -~as speaking to Jack...Did you two h~ve a fight? J0 RI'X01 0"183S92
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-4- B~: ~o....In fact, just the ~ther night he took me to a p~evlew..'ge sa~ Rita ~c~orth ~n "F~iomeT'- •..It was an oxeltlng picture, e~pecially when Rlta did the d~uce ~* the seven veils. ~AEA: Gosh°..dld she take off all seven? BEA: No, she stopped when she took off n~mber six.~.but 3ack will never _know. SA~% : Why not? ~nA: He fainted at number five. 8~RA: You'~e kidding..°Jack really fainted? I~: yeah, he closed those b~by blue eyes and slld right off the ~eat. ~/ SARA: Well, wh~,tta ya !mov.frgou~ve been seeing a lot of him lately, haven't 7our BFA: Yeah.. °Itve been see~u~ Jack ~o o~teu, I b~dda turn down a date ~dth De~Is E~y last week. I~gine Dennis o~anting me to ~¢alk "~Ith him ~ the St° Patrick's Day parade. SARA : Why not.. °with ~ur complexion, ~ a -~t~ral. ~EA: Well~ look °~o~s ~ki~g.. ,3es°nie ~ith the Light Brown Teeth• ~,~ARA~ All ~Ight not a~gue..~ ~ ~..~afte~ we ~e~e~~ ~V~V~-l~A<@ JO
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-5- ~SOU~D: B[~Z BL~Z. * .FAI~ TO CLICK CLICK Gertrude...Gertrude..What?...Are you sure there's~i~., -- answer? PEB~ ~ s- T~-~R~ he~ ~e~hoa~ ~me~W~lg~~ keep tr~tng the numbem...Goodbye..~n-~e~vr-8~Pa~e~.~h~s (SOUND: ~CE~-VER D~) ~i%CK4-- ~mm~ DON: what's the m~tter, Jack? JACK: Rochester isn't ~home..but I'm going to Call him again., ~. Dennis, ~ for your sake, I hope ~ou were tellS--rig me the truth..Now it's time fo~ ~-ou-~ song, so let's have it. ~RNIS: Yes, ~i~. (SOUND: ~OCK @~ DOOR) JACK: Kold it, kid..COME I~. (SOUND: DOOR OP~S) MEL: (SLIG~ MOOL~Y) Duh, tele@~m fo~~ J~ok Benny. JACK: I 'm Jack Berun~. MEL: Fete you are... (SO~D: RIPPING ~ %~I~C-BAM OPEN) JACK: I~!l be d~ned. Tt's from ~red Allen. JO
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DON: Yred Allen: Wh~t does he saF? JACK: "Dear Jack..° i have just been ~mformed tIBt I am to ~ppea~ On you~ April 19th television show. That's what I get for telling my agent to get me an~thlng."....~mm~n. Come on~ Der~uls~ let's get on ~,Ith the---Boy~ what are you b~nging around here for? EEL: (M00LET) Well, sir, I don~t mean to appea~ Lmpudent cr "~esumptlous, b~t when so~neone delivers a telegram~ it is customary for the ~eclplent to sho~ his ~pp~eci~tlon with a gratuity. JACK: Okay, okay. (SOUND: JINGL~G OF COINS) JACK: Here. ME~:Oh boy, a Cauadla~ Dim~..no~ I can Sun~ner at Lake Douise. (S0OlVD: DOOR CLO~S) JACK: ~enuls, let's have yol~ ~or~. (APPIAU~E) (I~NNIS'S SONG --- I'FRETE~) ) (APPLAUSE) JO
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[{- JACK: ~That was Dennis Da~ ~ingL~g "prote~d". -7- Dennis, it was excellent...And now kids. we ~have a very important plaw to do ton lght:.~ ~-e~els Bob Crosby? I }{ere Z am, Jack...4as~adir~-e-~e~g~ get on ~ith our ---~ob, Z just ~ppe~ed to think of something...Zo~ missed i~hea~sal, too. ~gnat,s you~ BOB: ~Jell, ~ bad to go down to bu~ a little gift fo~ Sammy's ~ew baby. JACK: Sammy the d?umme~,s wife had ~ b~by? . .~.~didn't know L[4 R TNO~ O'183596
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BOB: Okay..You know, the presents re~lly hsve been rol!i~g In... All t~he musicians sent gifts. .Bagby sent a little blsnket.. -~e,JS, .Re1~±@~ sent ~fayne Songs~ sent ~ c~te little '~ ~ - - a sweater, l~ee ~Itted...And Kimiok sent the nicest -- JACk: ,~" ,o].d ,t~ ,-~'OOn~L, ~ob..~l~o'[d i,. JACK: You said Remley sent a sweeter he knitted? JACK: I didn't k~ow Remley could knit. BOB: Jack, when ~ou got the shakes like Frankie has, Vou can do wonders wi~/~ knitting needles. m, -- BOB: After six m~rtini~, he ~s an argyle man. ~gu_es...i~ow klds~ it,s gettln~ lat~ and I think W~ ought to start on th~ sketch ws~!~ going to do. JACK: Well, it's based on ~lat w~nde~fui UDive~sei International Picture, "_Mississippi Gambler; st6]~ring T~ene Power... I, of coorse will pl~ ~]~,~[rone Power's part. BOB: Wait a minute, Jack..do you ~hiuk youI~e t~m type? JACK: Well... [7ENNIS: He certaloly is..He~s ~oung, handsome, and ~omaoti% ~ust llke _~-~one ?ower. JACK: ~nanks, Dennis...you'~e loyal end devoted. FJEIfNI~: i~m ~ots, too. JACK: ~uttD~t out! .. Now, Don, seZ the scene, we'll (SOUND: PHO~ RINGS) DH
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-9- JACK: Hold It,Ahold it. (SOU}DD: PHONE RINGS..~ECE_L-VEN UP) JACK: Hello. ROCK: HELLO, MR. BENYY~ TF~S IS ROCHESTER. (APNEA~) JACK: Rochester, I call~d you before, and you were out. ROCH: i I£~/3 TO GO DO~ TO dNE MARKET TO DO DOMf] SHOPPING FOR IIOUZE. JACK: Oh .. i@~at did ~-ou get? ROCK: i GOT A HALF POUND OF HAMBt~R, A CAN OF TEAS, A CAN OF BEANS, ~ND A BALE OF ALFAlfA. JACK: %fay ~t~ tfqe world wou]~ you bu~ m b~le of mlfaifa? ROCH: ~ PRICE OF MILK ~NT UP TWO CENTS AND I KNOW WIghT YOU'~ GONNA DO AB T _ _ JACK: I am not. 2~Th~y don't let you keep i'hem in Beverly Hills.,. Pasadena, maybe, but not Beverly Hills...Now Rochester.. the reaso~ ! called is because De,Dis Day said he ~oned yesterday and told you he'd h~ve to miss rehearsal. ROCH: 0N, i~, BOSS.~I FOF~OT TO TELL ~0U. JACK: 01% ~ou did, eh? ... Well, we~ ~aere a~y calls tod~y? ROCH: ~S SIR.. ,! HAVE ~ RIGHT HERE. ,LET'S SEE...~-~ INCOME TAX IEPAKT~NT CALLED. TAX? JACK: Income ..... .....M~at did they want, wh~t did they wa~t? ROCH: OK~ IT DIDN'T CONCE~ YOU~ BOSS.. IT WAS ABOUT THE iNCO~ j_ ~P OR'I~D. DH ~I-NOI 0183598
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( REVIS~ ) -I0- JACK: ~fny, what was wrozg wi~h it? ROCH: NOTHING3 mB]Zy JUST Ch%LI~D TO OFFER ~5~lR S~qV/ATHZ. JACK: Well, that,~ your problem,,,~ere the~e any other calls? ROCH: OH YES...MISS B~_n/&a/{A 3TA_~YCK CALLED~,.S,~tS GlUInG A BIG p~/qTY TOMORROW NIG~ AND SF~ WA~NTS YOU TO BE THERE. JAOK: Oh good~ good. Bl~a~ ~le o~ ~h!te ~e? ROOH: KHITE COAT, YOU,LL BE pARK39~ C~RZ. JACK: Oh.. Wel%, Rochester, put some new batteries in my f:ashlight.. *-4~Awm~d~ 2- ".~o ~LLa¢ a~ ~3oodbye, .Rochester. ROCH: ~O00000000DB~ E. (SOU~: F~C::VER DOWN) J~CK: All ~Ight~ Don,~oo can set the scene for ou~ ~ketch. DON: Okay...AND N0W IADI]{B AND GENTLEMEN T~ LCCKZ STRIB~ pLA~:q0USE pHESENTS ITS VERSION OF "MISZ!SBIpFI G_~LE~" ... CURTAIl{ °,. MUSIC: RF~O; 0183599
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-!l- DON: IN THE MIDDLE OF ~ ~£NE~h~ff/{ ~ENTL~RY, THE I~IN ARTERY OF COMY~RCE AND TRANSPORTATTON BET~N T~ NORTH ~/~D ~ SOUTH WAS T~ MI~S!SSIPPI...RIVER BOATS Tj~ED TO PADDLE THEIR WAY UP AND DO,IN IN A I~EB-E~DING STREAM_...ABOARD THESE S~ZP~ WAS CARGO...AND PASSENGER8..~D A SPECIAL B~ED 0P ~4ESE PABSE~GER5 WA~...THE MISST~ ~__/L~4BI~. (MUSIC TJS TO CEESCEND0 AND OUT) JACK: (FILER) MAB NA~ I$ -~C~ ~NNY...AH AM A MISSISSIPPI GA~LER I~I~D I ~-E B~N G011~J LV~ ~ND DO~ THIS RYVER ALL 14AK LIB,...THE FIRST ~.~NTZ YEARS ~}~ TOUGH..TH~ ! GOT ON A BOAT ..... I DON'T ~ME~EB MUCI;. OF MY FATHER, BUT ~Z MOTHER WAB A ~NDLY WOMAN, AND $P~ ALWAYS TRIED TO TEACH M~ P~G-~IT ~RCM ~,~RONG...i R~MBER WS{EN Y WAS TWO ~AES OLD.. SHE SAT ME ON I~SR l~P AND SAID.., BEA: (AS M0~EE) Look Son, youI-~s very young~ but tF] to re~ember this...Never draw to a~ iuslds s ~rsig/%t. JACK: (FILTER) O[X~S NA~ A %<ON~Y~]L P~LATIONSHIP, BUT ~TEN I ]<AS EIGHTEEN, MOT~ER AND I PARTED. ~ . i ~4ENT _:20 h~W 0RL~ANS AND SHE wENT TO TF/gACHAPI....ONE DAY MY BBST FROND... ROBERT STONE~g.~LL CROZBY A~ I FOUND OURSELVES IN SAINT PAUL, AND %~ BO_~D A BIV~E BOAT BACK TO NEW ORLEANS. (sOUND: pI~IDLE BOAT ON RIVER..RIVER NOISES) B(~}~ DO yotl think ~e~l make any mocey this trip, Tyrone? '- DE R]'2401 0 ~ 8;3600
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JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: JACK: DON : ~L: JACK: BOB: DON: JACK: BOB: -12 - (REG. ~7<E) Sure...ubere are plenty of aucke-~s aboard... But Bob~ I do~t know whether you're ready to be a professional gambler y~t. ~y not? Well: you donrt _k~ep a good pokmr face~ Wb~t makes you say that? P, ec~us~ ! ";e ~;atched you. khsn you fill a full house, you're supposed to sit there wi~h ~ vacant expression... not jump up on you~ cahalr and sin~ two choruses of Oh Happy Day...Wait a ~Inute, here comes ~ couple of guys that look ripe fo_~ picking...Let me do t~he t~lk~ng. (SOUND: COUPI~ OF FOOTSTEPS) Wo~id ~ou .~entlemen c~e to while away the time in a frisndly gam~ of cards? Ah don~t mind ~f Ah do...Ahlve got ~ thousand dollars Ah O~tl Sp~re. Dubb-h~ a~id l've got a Canadian dime. You got your tip, get out of kere.~.Now Some on, we'll pla~ some three-handed poker. Su~ts me, here'~ a table. SCT/FFLING OF C~rIAIRS AND TABIZ) (SOUND: Ah~ll deal. (SOUND: I~FFLING OF CARDS AND F~ALING CARDS) H~....~h'l]. open for fifty dollars. Ah~ll see that and raise i~ a .huud~ed. ~r EZ ~T~OI O1836OJ
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-13- DON: Ah~l! see TOUr ~aise and ~alse ~t ~nother hund~d. JACK: Thatts too muc'~ for me. i~m out. BOB: }~ell, I'll c~ll...Give me two ca~s. (SOVL~D: ~O CARDS) DON: Ah~ll take ode. BOB: ~AiIll bet a hundred dollars. DON: ~/%111 ~sise two hundred, BOB : ~N~ ~ 4 A/I'll jus~ osll...what have you got? DON: Four aces. BOB: Beats me, Ah got three ac~s~ JACK: That's why Ah dropped out. Ah o~ly had two...~,., wait a min~te~ st~angel,, you dealt those ~[ne ~ces and Ah think yo~1#e cheatlnI. DC~: No ma~ can s~ that to ms...do ~u know what it means when someone slaps your face with his glove? JAQK: gb means a challenge to a duel. DON: trhat's right, so thke t~stl (SOUND: LIGHT SLAP OF GLOVE IN ~) JACK: i accept ?our chellengs (SOU~-D: TWO G[~{ SHOTS) DO~: (GRO_~S) (BOUND: BODY ~n%D) N~S DH RT~01 0183602
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JACK: -14- (FILER) ~-~ -~ ~9-z~T~-~ -~s~-{--~4mm~-j~M~... ~-:~c-Ti~. KO~]VER DUEI~ 14E~ SHALL I~C!DENTS ON THE, BIVER...AND OUR BOAT PUSHED 8OU~u~4AEDZ...OUR RIDE TOOK L~ DO}/N PAST ¥~SCONSIN...IOWA...ILLINOIS...AND THEN MISSOURI. (BAGBY PLAYS ~HW B~25 OF MISSOUBI ',TALTZ) JACK: OK, TEAT ISNJT }~{0 YOU THI~j FOLICS...HE~S IN HONOLULU... ?~S...THERE WAS ALI4A~ PLENTY OF ~LODY AND ~iC ALONG Y~[~ RIVER...SO~ _NIGHTS AS ~ SAILED CIX)SE TO THE SHOBE NE C~ ~AR VOICES HABMOg~ZI~ ON THE ~S... QUART: (KUI~ START OF SONG) DH ~ ],~01 0183~{93
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,{r ROTL 0N~ RTV~R, ROLL UP A LAZY Ful-qER ~Y THE 0~ MILL hT~: THAT I~Y, LAZY ILIVER IN q~E N00N-DAY SUN LT~SER IN THE S~L&YE OF A ::E~D OLD THRO~ AWAY YOUR TROUBTES DREAM A DEEAM k~TH ME ~I~ GOING TJP A L~ZY BlUV~R WHEF~ THE ROB:N'~ SONG AWAI(ES A BliGHT ~ MOPaNING 0AN LOAF ~T~NG BLUE $1:IES UB ABOVE EVERTONE'8 IN LO~E UP A LAZy ~R, K0W I{APPY YOU CAN ~E UP A LAZy EIVEE WITH ME. UP A LAZy RIVER, ~UC~X3~ S~KE ~$ r~S, UP ~4AT LA~f RT~ER, IT F8 T~ 8MOF~ ]~ i:i4E T~RE'Z NO OTHER BP~T) IN T~ WOpJ~D FOR ME ~TE~Y~EEE YOU ~0 IT ~S L S M F T ~N ~ ARE UP A !~Zy RIVEE WE ~0ST SIT AR0[E~D ~ND PUFF A BETTER T~TING LUCEY ~0AUSE ~NEVER ROL~H. SMOOTI-~R XT 2S ~ CI~!ER~ F~N~O]R, TOO UP A LAZy RIVER, HOW HAPPY- YOU CAN BE £~IN~ ON A LI~K~AN L S M F T -~J~IN' ON A I~'DI~ ~2TH NN, (~PPL~) -!5- f91-M01 018360~
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-16 - ( THIRD HEUP IND) JACK: (Fl~YPE) THE TEZP CON~I~D. ~ NIG~ I F~'~ POEER AND~AL~AYS WON .. BLT ONE NIGHT THE CAPTAIN CAUG}~ C~T~, AND AS PD'~ISH~-~ HE T~D A ROPE AEObT[D M~ AND KEPT DIPPYNG ~ IN AND 0112 OF THE RIVER •. K~ TI{0UG}~ WAS A TREAT TO BEAT MY _~ ON -~ ~S~ISSIPPI MO~. IT "WAS SHORTLY A~ %~IS ~CIF~ENT ~SAT I ~ .. _~R. I R~ME~BEE W~N ~ ~E F!EST I~TRODUCED, SI~E SAID .. VEOIA: (00MP~ A~0 SLIGHTLY r~ENCH) I am awfully glad to reset % yOU, Mor_siettr~ and I hope you add g c~n beco~ good friends ... ~ ~0~ friends. JACK: (FILTER) I~ NAY~ WAS Y~ETTE AND S~ HAD CO~ ABOARD THAT MORNIhD AT AlBUQUerQUE .. OH, I ?/~0W THAT ALSL~FU]KRQUE IS FAR ~OM TBE MISSISSIPPI o .BbT FOR HE~, SOMEHOW T~ BOAT MADN IT .. I TOLD HER THAT i, TOO, HOPED ~E WOI~D BECO~ GOOD 9~.I~NDS ~ND S]{E S~ID ... VE01A: YOu ~re very ] ~ad, Monsieur. JACK: (FILTED) Sm~ WAS A ~m~-PLAIN ~ . .SLIM ,, ~ .. Am0 ~.--MM~TURE o. %~liS I~SCRIPTION WAS ~RITIEN BEFOKE THE PART WAg CAST ,. }~E FELL IN LDVE, gOT BECAUBE ]{ER DROT~R HETED G~PERB, ~ HAD TO M~ET HACI{ OTHER 3EORETIX ... 0}~ MOPd{1]~G, AFq~R %/E ~I~D AT NE~ ORLEANS, SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET F~ AT ~ pieCE ~-ZE I L~ .. "THE OLD MAN RIVE~ K~YgEL" ,. IT WAS CAI/~ID "~ OLD MAN RTVER KOTEL" BECAUBE ~HEN KOU STAYED '/~9~N YOU ~d~ T_rEED OF LiVIN~ AND ~ARE~ OF DYIN' ... W~ILE WAITLNG FOR ~, I TNOD~E2 I'D V~VE SOME BREAF2AST AND OALIED RQ~ SE~V!_CE . .SOON THE WAITER I~-AS ~OCKING AT MY DOOR, (SOb~m: KEOOKKEG ON DOOR) ~TH01 0183605
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/ -17- .IACK~ (_ME~. MIKE) Come tu. (SOUND: DOOR OPRNS) MEL: (MOOLEY) Dub, £1d ~-ou call for room service? JACK: yes ,. I went some b~,eakfsst . .. orange juice, coffee ~nd •. er .. I~t's ~ee~ what can I have with the coffe~? MEL: Well, we have toast, F~nglish Muffins, doughnuts and C Lvm~on ~.o!is. JACK: What? ~L: C i~mer on rolls. JACK: Look, wslter ,. ~%~o%~ncs@r-E2rrm~x~ JAC~K: JACK: JACK : JACK: JA0~: ~EOLA: Yes, T~one .. I'm so~"y to be lal~ .. but i hsd to -- 4~eeveT~,. brlp~ me some ora~e ~ioe .. coffee snd a Cinm~mon roll. Okay, ~nd you'~e luck7. Yestezday I couldn,t .have brought Why not? We were ou~ of cinnamon. All right, just go get it. (FILTER) HE BRO[~HT ME MY BBEAE~AST .. AND I F IN!_S}~D IT.. AIKD T3_~IE~ -Z~TTE ARRIVED. -2,HE LOCK<ED 80 BEASTIFUL STA~G THERE ~N b~R NE~ ~q~l~f~ DRESS. I COULD TELL ~ "gAS ~rLY 2~I~ BECAD~E A I~LU~KEN GUITAR pLAYER WAS 3TILL WORKIN~ ON ~'. (REG. MIKE) Dsrllng~ youI~e hers, you're here. Just come into my a~ms snd let ms kiss you. JNCK: Don% talk. (JACK KISSES MEo;~ ) GM t~ TI,'~O I O 183606
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-18- ... ~h, ~Jour kiss., it is so %-onde~ful .. it tastes of JACK: Cinm~ron? VEOLA: That's French for c~nn8mon. JACK: Oh . ~.. the D,~ I nu/st spologiz~ to tb~9 waiter .. A ghar~lhgr fellow (SOUND: VEOI/~ ydT0CZ 0g DOOR) JACK: -Who can that be? VEOLA:~AvIIt ~ust be n~ b~otber. ~ followed ~@ here. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) JACK: Wait a minute -- D~NYS: <~CK) .. At, I have fotund ~:ou at lest ,. you peeg, you dog, 7ou snake. ['!I break you in two. ~0LA: Derm_is, my bl~otbe~ lls~en to nB .. JI~Ime cet hOrmTe et il aime mol, et quoi@ue ll ~st un joueu-i* conmTdn du fleu~e et nous sou~es de les emistoo~atie2 Ss lui mar~eral ~ans egsrd pour quel tu dis. JACK: , What did Dhs ~a¥? DENNIS: I do not k~o~, but deeE zst c~sz7 langua~! JACK: lh~n.. Now look -- DENNIS: Monsleu~ my sister wiT1 not marry s gamblem.. I chelleD~e you to a duel.. JACK: l~nat ? DENNTS: I slap ~ou~ face ~eeth my glove. (SOU~D: L00D TE~R~IC SOCK .. BODY ~) Youlre Suoposed ~o take you~ hsr~i out of it first .. But if you want to duel, draw your s~ol~. GM O183607
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DENNIS : -19 - #_N GAEDE ,.. (SOUND: H~0HDS AGAINST ?~ACH 0T~ DUELLING., SEVERAL SECONDS AND STOP) JACK: (FILTER) I THOUGHT ~E'D BE AN EASY VICTIM FOR F~..HE WAS S0 YOUNG ,. SO INEX~]~NCED..BL~ AS THE DUEL pROS~ESSED.. THE MINIfFES WORE ON AND ON 'TIL RE HAD FOUGHT AN HOUR. oTOP. (SOUND: MORE DUELLING FOR SEI~AL SECONDS AND ~ JACK: HTII~L ~ FOUGITf ON WITH UNABATED ;e~RY AND ANOTHER HOUR PARSED. (SOUND: MORE DUEILY-NG AND STOP) JACK: AND ANOTHER HOUR ~. (SOUND: MORE DUELLING AND STOP) JACK: AND ANC~HER HOUR... (SOD~'ND: MORE DUELLING AND STOP) JACK: T~ SUDRENLY IT WAS OVF~.. HE DIDN'T !FJ~T ~,. AND I DIDN'T ~IAP~i HIM.. B~T MY T~O 80[TN]) ~! KILLED EACH OTHER.. THAT IS MY ZTORY.. ~ ADVE~£[~KES OF A MISSISSIPPI GAOLER. (APPmU E GM R]NO I 0183508
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-r -20- JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, the very best Easter gift of s!l is the support you give, through Ee~ter seals, ,.to children who need 7our ~lp. These soa]s provide n~edical care, nursery centers and many other things that arc needed. ~o give and give genereusl,~ to the Easter Sesl agency in your oonym/nity. Or send your' contribution to C~Ippled Children care of you~ local POSL Offlo~. Thank ~ou. GM ~TNO! 0783509
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JACK: L~d!es and gentler~n~ that concludes smother program, snd next ~ek we ~i~l -- DENNIS: Oh, M~. Benny -- JACK: Yes~ Dennis? IENNIS: i forgot to ask you, when you tBlked to Rccbeste~ did he say that i called and told him I couldnTt be ~t rehearsal? JACK: Yes. DE~TNIS : Nnnn~<Tya a ah~ JACK: Oh~ be quiet.. And s~op grinnlng at m% that missing tooth looks s~ful ... Gooduight~ folks. DON The J~ck Bemny ~ was w~itten b7 Sam Pe~rln, Milt Josefsberg~ George Balzer, John T~ckaber_~y, ~md Zrod~oed ~nd t~ensorlbed b7 Hilliard Matins. Be sure to hear The American Way with Hcrace Heldt for Luoky 8trik~ every Thursday over this sa~ station. Consult your newspaper fore the time. The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the Ammrican Tobacco Comoan7 ,.. Americs's leading msn~i~'actur~r of clgaretta~. GM ~ ]':40 "I 0183610~

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