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Date: Dec 1952
Length: 444 pages
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SU~HS~ EE~LAC~tgN~ FOK JACK B~C[ THE FSI IN PEACE AND TL, E Jum-e 12~ !952j to September iI~ 195£ fgTNOI 0|82864.
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R~ISE0 SCRIPT_ .~RICA~ TOBACCO COMPA~/ LU01¢/ STP~ THE JACK ~E±~NY ~0GR~_M SUND.~X~ SEPTF/~ER 14j I~52 CBS (T~SOR~D. SE~'. 7~ 1962) 4:00-4:~0 PM PDST 8TMO'I 018286&
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-\. (FIRST ROU~IN~ ) (.~ER COI~RCIAL, MUSIC UP ~/~D DOWN A}D 0~m) DON: _~rRS, L~DIRS _aND {.]~/~TL~ ~TRE STARTING ANOTHER SEASON OF T~E LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM...STA~RING...Now~ isn't that sil!y1-....~-~T~ ALL THESE YE.~RS, YOU ~0W }~{0t~ TP~ STAR OF T~E LUC"KY STP~KE PROGRAM. SO LETrS GO OTY~ TO... YOU-IQNOW-~01S ~0b~E IN BEVERLY I~ ~..SH-OH~ THE~IS AN EKFRESS TRUCK ~/RNI~G ~ CSp~ I~[IO GUESS }g~O'S ~T~T. (S0bq~D: MOTOR FADES IN) SWEE~TI: I{ey, @o~ who~s t1~/~ do %~ d~llver .n~xt? MEL: (SLIGHT MOOL~) Just a ~nute...I~ll look it uD in the book. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Well, what do Zou kuo~'...The next tz~nk goes to the ~ta~ Of the Lucky Str!k~ Brogr~. ~w]~NE~: The ~ts.~ 0£ the Luck~~ Strike program'{ ~L: Yeah. SWE~NEY: ~,~o' s that? ~: W~no ' s that? (S00~D: S[DDE~ S~L OF ;3R.~S...STOP) [~L~ Herman...i{~rmen...look ~t me. i- S~NLY:,~ What~ s the matter?...Yo~ zeld the next ti~unk b~longs to th~ ~tar of the L~oky Strike Program .. ,and all S ssld Ze~man....after all bhe~e Fears...you donI t know who? ~dell --" w/ ~~TMO ~ 018~:8b,"
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MEL: S~NEY: / ZWEE~Y: ~L: SW]~T[EY: ROCH: ROOH:-- SWEENRY: ~L: -2- For Mourn infommation~ Herman, the personality of whom you don~t k~ow is who..happens to De a star of 5tage~ so~@en~ madio and %elevisioz...and ~akes pe~se~al appes~e~oes all over the womld. Just--lbok-st them l&bels-fr~m-~he plaoes- he:s-hee~. Paris, F-~snoe - ~msZerdsm, Holland - B~ussels, B@l~iu~ - Glasgow, mootlend ~- ADd wns~ h@ Was i~ Euglend he was one of the biggest sensations to ever ~ppesr at the Palladium Thea~z'e in London. ~;Ze w&s not only h~Id ovem foz' thee weeks...hut ever~ tlm~ b~ walked out on the szage~ the audience stocd up and cheered. How de yoguu know? Hers got a olIDpin~ pasted on the truck-. ~ z-~¢~-~ Ohh,, ,now-l-k~n. Cw who).~ Su~e,-thetts who~ Now, come on, help me cart5~ this trunk up to the doom. T_Rbg~£ BEING SLID OFF TRUCK..SLOW FOOTSTEPS..STOP. ,TRUNK BEING SET DOWN ON CF}4L~NT STEP...DOOR BUZZER..DOOR OPENS) HOW DO YOU D% GgAN~-E~N. Excuss_us~cr__oomlnL to_~he_~'ront dcor...but-~s-h~vs-a t~nk. Th~t~ s-the guy. Horms~-be qui~t. According to the tag, thi~ t~unk belongs to M~. Jack Bonny. ~ [HO ~/ 0182868
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-3- nOOK. THIS IS HIS HOUSE. E~ING IT REGH~ ~ i MgL: Okay. Come on~ He,an, easy does it. (SOOI~: TRUNK BEING BO~ A LITTLE..POOTSTEPS) ROCH: RIGHT ~RE IN T}~ LIVING ROOM -S ALL RIGKT. -~EL: ~ ~" Okay, Herman~ put it down. f i (SOUND: T~UNK BEING PL~ DOWN) ROOH: T~L~NKS, GENE~dP/N,~ ~NO~ DON~T i~A~. MR. B~ ~gY WANT TO GIVE YOU SOft'THING TO SHOW .HIS APPPECIATION. I'!~L BE HIGE~ BACK. (SOID~O: TWO FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) MEL: H~rman, did you hear ~h~t?...And i ~-!ways thought that this ~Jy BEnny w~ ~ cheapskate. SWH~: Yeah,,,~ ± hssrd that once Benr~/ squeezed a nickel so hard, when he o~ened his hand, he was holding a needle. ,~L: "'£~Boy, ~ mus~ have a grip like -- ROCH~ %q~LL, }~RE YOU }d~E, GI~. I TOlD 9~. BENNY THAT YOU DEL~-~KO HIS T-~TNK, AND HF~S A FIVE DOLLAR BiLL FOR EACH OF YOU. ~V~L: ~mw~,.~.~.~ ueve~ expected a five dollar bill. i'm going to shag bhls to ~ll my friends. ROCH: THAT'S "~-HAT MR. BE~f WANTS YOU TO DO~ HIS PICTb'HE I5 ON IT. ~ic.tu.~e- on-~ em? ROOM: 0E~-~-=Y()U:DON!~ LIKE BLUE-h~/E~T~9}~Y* EE-WO.hVI~S. NOW, IF_ YOU HAVE ~NY MORE LL~AGE FOR MR. BENNY, ~-/~iSE BRING IT ~. 5~EENEZ: Hey, Joe, whet ~bout the B~unk for Dennis Day?
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ROCH: ~L: HOOE: MZL: HOCH: ROCH: R00H: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: JACi: ROCH: -4- DEN~S D~Y? .~0H %-[ES...MR. BE~/ TOOK ~IM TO ID~DON WITH HIM. "WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE IT AT MR. DAYIS HOUSE? Well, we atopped by ther~ and nobody was home...but-there A NOTE?- yeah,~,it-~eld, "Dea~ Denois - Reo~ived.your lette~ tei-llng~us Zh~t you are com±n~-home3 so-youp-fstheD-end, I deelded~e-tsks ~ sho~h~vaoatlon. Dontt forget-to vote-iD-.,Novembe~. ~ ~Sig~ed. Mother." I~ELL, G~N~M~N, EF YOU I~TKE, YSU CAN LEAVE ~&R. DAYIS Thanks, weIll go get it. (SOUND: 9~W FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) H~, ! BETTER ASK MR. BENNY TO OPEN HIS TRi~U~ S0 i CA}~ P[~T i~S 0LOT}~$ AWAY. (SOU~D: Fh~ F00TSTEFS..D00R OPENS) OK, MR. DENNY -- yes~ Roches tell? BOSS, IF YOU @lVE ~ THE ~ TO YOUR TRUNK, iILL PUT YOUR CLO T~S AWAY. Okay..,I've got it -~ight here on <y k~ chain. (SOUND: JINGLE OF KEYS) Let's see...my w~rdrobs t~ank..°the key that opens it is marked "W. T." (SCU~D: JINGLE OF ~S) Here's a key merked D. D. D .D. ? r~ T,~<O 1 0182870
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JACK JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: JACK: M!EY: -5- Desk Drew'st. (SOU~: JINGLE OF !~YR) L.C. ..Linen Close~. (sounD: JI~EN OR ~) B.A. B.A,? , J~T DOF~ THAT OPEN? B~nk of An~r~cs...~ow let's ~e8 -- WHAT'S TH-~T? ~,~< ~.~ Santa ~onioa B~auch...,Oh, lle~ it is, ~.T.~ Wardrobe Tru~k. (SO~D: ~O~R FOOTSTEPS} Rochester, wh~t~ this other trunk ~olng here? THAT'S DENNIS DAY'S. THERE WAS NO ONE HO~ AT HIS I40USE SO THAY LEFT IT ~EEE. (~STERIOLBI%)~Yennis Day's truuk, huh?...Pim... Rooheste~ ~et me e ham~er end chisel. I~m gonna open Dennis~ s t~unk. DUT, BCSS~ YOU CANIT DO THAT...TF-~T~S X~VASION OF PRIVA~ PROPERTY. N~ver mind° (SOU~ : DOOR B~ZZF~R) You go get bhe han~mer and chisel, l~!l ~nswer the door. (SOU~: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) MARY~ Ee]lo, Jaok. R r}{OI 0182821
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JACK: MAEY: JACK: MAEY: J ACE: JACK: JAO~,: MAt: ~ACK: MAEE: JAC&; MA~: JACK: M~RY: (OVEBIX ENTHUSIASTIC) MAEZ, YOU'RE A SIGHT FOR SORE E~ IT'S SOT<E GOOD TO SEE YOU. Jack -- WHY, I BA~ -/ET~T ~ YOU SI~ICE. • .S~CE... This morning. All right..i w~s only try, lng to make it exoiting. Come on in. (SOL~3: DOOR CLOSES) Anyway, MarYs when you did 0o~ over this morning, T was ~o ~nxious to ~ee you i jumped ou~ of bed, -~sn downstairs a~ you didn't ~ven kiss me. _V~U.~IdOL~-wsnt ms-to-klss-~ou. i-did-toe. Thma_why did~[~ EQU ~e-off ~~chln stra~? (LAUGHINGLY) And you looked so silly standing there in those Dr. Denhon~s. Oh stop...you know~ Mary, when we get back on %he 81m, "you better change gout atDitude. This is the sta-~t of a n~l seashn~ end i think after all these years it~ s about llt~l@.res~ct from the people who work fo~ time I got S me. Especiaily you. Oh Jack, I was only kiddlzg. Where's your sense of humor? i thln~ the world of you and you ~now it. Well -- yo~I~s always been nice to me ezd, believe me, l appreclste i~. I don~t knew whethex' to believe that Or ~ot.
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-7 - Well, it's t~Je~ Af'te~ all, you took me cub of a ~ob whera Z had to stand on my feet and work ~Ii day £o±~ thrse doliars. JACK: Yeah. MA_~f: Now i wear dresses that cost ~at much. JACK: Welt, it's you~ money, yo~ can thro~ it away if you want Oh J~ck, i ~ee your luggage arrived. JACK: Yesh, and Irve gotta send these clothe~ o~t to be cleaned and pres~ed..Ma~% look through those gray sl~cks ~zd ~ee if I left anything In the pccke~s. MA~: Okay. JACK: i guess ~fte.~ such a long trip all ~ clothes need cleaning and pressing...pressing, ~/'~ay...Mary, did you find anything in the pockets? MARt: Yeeh. JACK: "~nat? MAKe: A quarter, two dimes, s~ ~hree needles. JACK: Obr. fgell, put ,my Slsoks on the chair. ROCH: (FADI~ IN) ~HE'S THE HA~R ~/~D CBZ8~, BOSS, OH, ~U~LO, MISS L!VI~GtTONE. MABZ: Hello, Rochester. g~ck, wh~t are you going to do? ROCB: ~ -BEh%~IS DAY S TRUNK WAS DELIVEF~D HEPK ~D MR. BE~ W~NTS TO BRE~ file LOCK OFF ~ OPEN iT. Ml~f: Whet? Why J~ck Benny, of ell the nerve~. Just because you took Dennis to London with you, that doesn't ~ive you the right %o o~en his trunk. JACK: M~l~ -- ~6a~Y: RTHO~ 01828P3
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-8- MAPX: How would you llke it if somebody fc~cod th~ look and went d~n into you~ vault? JACk: It wouldn't bother ~e, those alligators would tear him to shreds. Now~ Rochester-- (SOU~D: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: Who can that be? MA~: I hope it's Dennis, it'll ~e~ve you ~Jght. (C~LL$) CO~ IN. ($OU~): DOOR 0P~2~8) DON: Hello, Mary - Hello~ Jack. JACK: Well, Den. ( ~PLAUSE ) ~g JACK: Well,~Don, it's sure good to see you ~-~:~ [ DON: Thanks, J~c~. C~ood to see you, too. !iTs beer e long time now. MARY: I h~ven~t seen you olther, Don..~h~t did you do all summmr@ DON: I made a picture fo~ Twentieth Centu~ Fox cslled ~'Nisgaz'e ~" FallsJ' DON: Yes, the stualo sent me the~ on location 5nd I spent eight weeks there with the st~zr of the pictu~ej Ma~ll~ Monroe. JACK: Oh boy, er~ you ll~c~/...Imagine gettimg a f~e trip to Niagama Falls...Gee. MA~f: NOW yOU know why I didnIfl kiss you this morralng. JACK: ~ Whgt? 2~ DON: Say Jsck...the~Sportsmen-e~ I ceme over to tell you that the most embg~Tsasiug thing happened to us ths day h~ou arrived in town~ and it was all your f~ult. ~T~07 018287~
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-9- JACK: My fault? DON: Yes, ~,ou -~ir~d ~ ~hat you we-~ gclng to arrive on the fou~-flfteen train, dldu' t you? JACK: Oh y~s, Dcn, but ~t the las$ l~iuute n~y r~ervstions were s~;it~hed ~ud i h~,d to tak~ ~ later train. DON: ~W~ k~ow that now. But aZ fou~-f±ftee~we wer~ ]o~m ~t t~e ~ Union Station...We c,vem b~,ought ~ D~m and Bugle Corps w!th us to glv~ you a big welcome. JACK: No:.~ DON:!~!l-n~ve~ forg~et it .... (S0~: STATION NOISES WITH BELL UP ~D DO~) L~I~: p ~ople - we re--~s:olng • f or -tbei~ -t rsi~s...To ~St~ ;fete comlzg a~ going.~..~he place was js~ed. And as the four-£ift~en ~aln camS in -- (SOU3D: TRAIN COMING IN) DON: The ~usrtst sta~ted to sing, ~TMOI 0182875
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(DNU$1 & BSDI~ !NTRO) QUART: ITKEN BmNfb/ COYfEZ R£Dlf~ HOME AGAIN Ig~ _rR~H, Ml]PJt~/£ VETLL GX~J%] HIM A i{F~A~TY_ N~-~O~ -~9~--]N T~I~ BE DON AND MARY TO C~ A~ SHOUT AND CBS Wi_cH THE CARPET OUT AND WE'LL ALL BE GAY ~&~N B~NNK COI~ES RIDING HO~. ~TE'IL AIL BE PD~iNG A ~UCKY STRII<E I9 I{AS T~D~ TASTE T-~T ~ AIL L~<~ [{OIKRAH ~ kTgRR/L~ %T MI£L AIL ~E ~.APP~/- AN W~ CAN BE EVEN TP~ GVfS AT !~BC L S M F T IS T~ SM(IKZ FOR l~t~ (Om~ & B~ta) ~, S m SM M F L S DAZM M F T LUC!C! STRI~ ~ANS Fii%~ TOBACCO YES S IPb2E JUS~ S~RIP -~£E PAP_,~ FROM A LUCICI -!o - (APPLAUSE) ~9] >{O ~ 01828?6
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-ll- JACK: DonTWthat was ~onderful. I'm sorry I wasn't at the station for that reception...but you told it so beautifully I could .almost--heer -It. (50~: TRU~ MOVINg) JACK: Rochester, what 8re you dolng? ROCH: I'M MOVING DENNIS DAy'S TRU~ INTO THE CLOSET. JACK: I~sve that trunk right where it is, and hand me that hammer and chisel. DON: Jack, what are you going to do? MARY: I'll tell you, Don. Dennis Day's trunk arrived from London, but the expressmen delivered it here 8nd Jack wants to open it. DON: What? Why, Jsck, you've got a lot of.nerve to -- JACK: Never mind, just stand back. (SOUND: HITTING CHISEL AGAINST ~ LOCK) MARY: (OVER SOUND} Jack, how can yOU be so stubborn? (SOUND: METAL LOCK ~ALL$ TO GROUND) JACK: There. I broke the lock. RochesteM, help me open the trunk. YES, SIR. ", ~_.. ~ ~'~.---- "- ~ (souNs{ TRU~X LID CF3~XS OPm~) Clos8 it, close it, the light is killing me! DENNIS~ ( ApplAUSE ) ROCK: DENNIS : MARY: CV ATH01 018282?
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D~Zq~IS : JACK : -32- Hello, Mary. Hello, Don. Hello, Mr. Berany. Ycu see, Dennis, i told you you'd live...It wasn't so tad, was it? MARy: JACK BEhE~Y, YOU O~MHT TO BE ASHAMED OF ¥O[~_.SEEF. JACK: Huh? MARY: How could yo~ m~ke £~relis ride all bhe way from ~_~lana to California in a trunk...That's the cheapest thing Z ever. -- JACK: Now, wait e minute! Donlt jump to conclusions, Mary~ This wssnrt my fault. ~he day we were ~posed ~o ~ail f~7om Erdl~nd, Dez~Is lost his steamship ticket. That's ~Ight, Mary. -t Oh ~w~/~m sorry, Jack. Thaz's all ~_,ight. MARY: '-~-" ~{ow did you lose .vour ticket, De~u~is? DEI~I$ : ?laying gin ~v~y wlth Mr. Benny. MARY: .... 'Gin R-~mmy 9 DEI~IS : MARY: jACK : DENNIS : JACK: DON : D~IS : MARY : DENNIB : ,lACK: DENNIS : JACK : DY$~iS : Yeah, ]neky I wasn't blitzed. Mary~ s~op looking st me, t,he game was fair and sauare. Dennis, if you w~re in the t~ur~ that long, how in the world did you manage ~o eat? £.h, Mr~ Berm-E took o~re of that withhi8 water pls~ol! W~ter pistol? i~ree times ~ day he squirted ~o~:~ through the keyhole. ~e~d oom~ do~, ~ook o~ the trunk~ ~nd I~d op~ my mouth. De~uis -- Once I was asleep and got ~n e~rful of chicken gumbo. CV P,T,gOI 0'1828P8
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-13- MARY: Chicken g~mbo? DENNIS: (A IA CAMPBELL'S C0~CIAL) De de da ds, da de, M~nm, M~n, Good! Now cut that out. the subject. JACK: Look kids, once and for ell, let's drop DON:~ ...... Well~-Jack,...¥ou.ought_to.be-ashsmed of yo~self.~-.taklug. advantage of ~ kid llke Dennis. JACK: What? .. DON:You veuldn't dane try a stunt llke that with me..YouJd never get me into s trunk! JACK: ...Don...Don...would you mind repeatlng that! DON: I said, you,d never get me into e trunk, MARY: Jack, shall I c~11 ~our writers? JACK: No, this one I can handle by myself.. ,Don.. ,Don...You couldn't fit into s t~unk If...if.. ,Mary, call my wrlters. ..M6RYi" I thought so. JACK: Now, Dermis, let's hear the song you're going to do on our first program. MARY~ Eor-heeven[s_sakes~ ~ack,.He~s.heen cramped In a trunk for two,weeks...He didn't have e chance to ~hsa~se. JACK: 0h,-yes, he did..when I locked hlm in there, I shoved in~ some m~sic;. Sing, Dennis!.- D~NNIS : Yes, sir. / JACK: ~,, .nol~ it, Derails. (SOUND: F~4 FOOTSTEPS..D00R OPENS) CV AT~O? 0182829
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JACK: ERIC: JACK: ERIC: Yes? How do you do..s~e you Mr. Yes...~es, I am. Well, I'm Leslie 5=~the-Heetherington.. I represent the "Sun Never ~ets On The British Soll Travel Agency". JACK: Oh, yes...they arranged my passage to Englar~d on the Cunsrd Line. ERIC: Quite..And I'm here to give you s refund on th~ unused portion of Dermis Day's ticket. JACK:-'~Good, good. ERIC: By the way, did Mr. Day decide to remain in England. JACK: No, he's here in America. ERIC: Oh...He flew back. JACK: ~I...n. .n....No. ERIC: ~h...Then how did he return? JACK: %'ell...er...er.~ .he csme back on..on the Oshkosh. ERIC: Oshkosh...Is that s Dutch Line? JACK: No, it's e luggage line. ERIC: Oh...well, here's your refund from our company. JACK: Thank you,~.~@IE a minute..thls check is for two hundred Bud forty-three dollars and.it should be two hki~dred and fifty. ERIC: I know, we deducted the seven dollars ~ou owed us. JACK: I owed your steamship company seven dollars? What for? ERIC: Extr8 soup. JACK: ~Oh, yes. CV RT~¢01 0182880
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ERIC : JACK: ERIC : JACK: I~NIS: JACK: DENNIS : You know, Mr. Benny..with all that soup in you, you must hsve sloshed quite s bit during the heavy weather. yes, yes, I did...Well, thanks for bri~ingme the check. You're welcome..Goodbye. • DOOR SHUTS..SEV~g~L FOOTSTEPS) (SOUND: Who was)st the doom Mr. Benny? Never mind..Just sing. ~ (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG - '~IISH YOU WERE ~RE") (AppLAUSE) CV AT OI 0182881
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-16- (THIRD ROUTI~) -~ , ~ • JACK: Dennis--§ ~9~erful~ The two weeks in the trunk ~. '~,z~'~z~ ~idn,t4hurt you 6 glt. ~y~eslly sounded great. E~NNIS* It'll sound even better when I ~et my heed out from between my }mess. JACK: H.mmm~u. ~NNIS.~y, ~.~Benny, ~hare,~ Thll ~rris? _~ i~ ~/~~ 2 ~--" .~r"~ .~-'~"/ JACK: 2j Oh, I thought I told ever~oody...xou see, ~enn~s, Fnil has so m~ny eemmlttr~nts with radio, television and records that he,won't be able to be with us this season...so !Im dlckerlr~ with Bob Crosby. I~NNIS: Bob Crosby? JACK: yes. Do you llke his music? E~NNIS: Yeah, and his soup, too. Ds de de da, de de, M~mm, M~mm, JACK: Dennis, stop with t~C~'~-~h, my goethe&S, MARY: What,s the nmtter? JACK: It's half past five. I'm supposed to be over at Crosby's house at six. MARy: What for? JACK: Well, he hasn't signed his contract yet. You see, the~e are st~ll some details we have to work oat....So long, kids, ~.~z ~5_Z~ _.~,~ ~4" ~ - - I~II see you tomorrow. DON & Okay. MARY: (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) AK ATe01 0182882
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-17- JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: JACK: AK (CALLS) OH, BOC~STER. YES, BOSS. I'm going out. BUT WHAT ABOUT DINNER? Forget it. FORGET IT?...IT'S YOUR ~%rRN TO COOH IT FOR ME. Oh yes, I forgot...Happy Birthday e~ I'll cook it for you next year. OKAY...SO LONG, BOSS. So long, (sos~D: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS & CLOSE T~N FOOTSTEPS ON CEMENT STEPS GOI~ DOWN T~O OR ~, THEN ON SIIEWALK...FAZ~ TO B.G.~ Gee, the Colmanfs 18wn looks nice...I haven't seen Bonnie and Benit8 in a long time...Funny, they left town the day before I came home ......... Last year they went sway the day before I came home, too .......... Co~ to think of it, it h~ppened in 1950, also ........... end in 1949 ............ It's e shame it had to happen four years in s row, we're Such .......... (SIMS) ~N yOU SAY I BEG X~J~ /. PARDON, T~N fILL COME BACK TO Y(~. ~..~m prond that I w~ote that song ..... WHEN y~J ASK ~ TO FOBGI~E YOH, I'LL RETUEN..~.i'.'~/' •..Gee, Beverly Hills is beautiful ..... So many movie stars llve here .... Esther Williams has been living across the street for about five years ....... 8THO1 0182883
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JACK: (CO~'D) lie- She built the most beautiful 8wlnmlng pool I've ever seen... I wonder when she's going to build a house .... (SIMS) LIKE THE SWALLOWS AT SERRANO, CO~ BACK TO CAPISTRANO ..... I'm gonne make e hit out of that song if it's the lest thing I do. FOR YOU MY HEART WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS YEARNs,...Gee; look at ell those beautiful homes...Yes sir, Beverly Hills is the swankiest r~Ighborhood in the world...Sometlmes I think they overdo it, though....Look at tb~t white line down the middle of the street....Fmmiue: ...... Soy, I better walk fester, or I'ii be late. waiting. ( THANBITION ~SlC) KATHY: Deddy~ are you busy? BOB "~'J'~'~'~ "~'-~ "~ : ~o~-no~, Kathy but l m'expectlng (APZ_AU ) KATHY: BOB: KATHY: BOB: KATHY: BOB: KATHY: I don't went to keep Bob Crosby ~. Benny soon. Say, Daddy...you've got a contract to work on ~. Benny's program this year, haven.t you? Well, I haven't signed the contract e~....Mr. Benny and I still have e few details to work out. Oh ........... Say, Daddy? Won't you feel funny workingfor e m~u~anger that you sre? Ksthy, he's not younger th~n I am. He sBys he's thlrty-nine. BOB:'~Y~He s not thirty-nine....I happen to know hie reel sge. KATHY: Whet is Mr. Benny,s real age? BOB:~'~&~Thet's one of the details we still heve to work. out. AK FIT~O 1 0182884.
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-19- KATHY: Well, I thought he was thi~ty-nlne ..... You know, heis always talking about himself on the redlo. soB, t- KATHY: Daddy, are his eyes naturally blue? BOB: Uh huh. ~THY: Is his hair naturally curly? BOB: It ain't ~ven nat~ally there,t ........ B~t you kaow, Kgthie, ~;:~-l~be-proud to he sssooiated with Mm. Benny. Hels been in radio so long and he's such a sueve comedien. KATHY: ~rnat does sueve mesn? BOB: Well, Suave msans ~hen a person iS--- (SOUND: DOOR ~UZZER) BOB:~/~I,II explein it later ..... CO~ IN. (sou~o: DOOR OPENS) BOB: Hello, Jsck~ JACK: Hiya, Hob. BOB: Co~ in, come in. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) BOB: Jaok, this i9 my daughter Kathy. JACK: Well...°~.H~; Kathy. KATHY: Hello, M~. Benny. JACK: Say, Bob...you have four childrsn, haven't you? SOB: Five....ThPee boys end two girls. JACK: Well, three kings and two queens, 8 full house .... (LAUGHS IT UP) HA HA HA HA ...... Saying's pretty goo~.~--; (sculls: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS) BOB: KAthy~re~? • ~L ~,,--,--~-, ~"-Z~s~ ~'~"--" • AK RTH01 0182885
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....... I -20- KATHY: To get s dictiormry, T ~ent to look up the word "suave". BOB:~ /~-Don'~o it, i%t~l mske ~ liar o~t of me. JACK: What's that? BOB: ~ Nothing, nothing...By~he-way~-Jeok, you look llk~. youlve been out in th~ sun s lot....you.ve get • nice tan. ,, JACK: I know;'l've been playing s lot of golf. BOB: Say, I gott~tell you....Last week I got the greatest th?ill in the world...l mode a hole in one. JACK: No kidding. ]' ' BOB: Yep....it was on the thlrd hole st Belleire...end gosh, I \ / couldn't welt to get beck to the club" house end buy drinks • / for everybody there. " • / JACK: I know....that's the tradition/~'You're supposed to buy drinks for everybody. // Have you ever made a hole in one? / Yes...about two years a~o et Hillcrest. ", Say, that.s wonderful~,...dld anybody see you do it? r Rochester, but I gave him a dollar and he kBpt him mouth shut ....... NOW, Bo]oj gettlng down to buslness,..dld you get the- -- BOB: Oh Jack, I meant to ask you. How was your persorml appearance ~ou~ in ~o~? JACK: Oh it was just wonderful, Bob. I was a big hit at the Psllsdlu~ in London, and then I went to the ~uplre Theater in ~lasgow. Boy did I go over big there. Those Scotchman / / really love me. \ BOB: ./That I can understend. BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK: AK AT~O? 0182886
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-21- JACK: Yea-yes ...... Now, Bob, getting down to business....did you get the contract ! 'sent 9_vet? ~ ~.~.-,~2~7 BOB: Yes.^ But I heven.t signed it yet...I went my lawyer to look at it first. JACK: Lawyer? For heaven,s sakes, Bob .... this is s simple little s~eeement between friends....Whst do you need s lawyer for? BOB:~/~ There s something I donT and on ~ge nine hundred and six. JACK: Well, maybe I~sn explsln it to you....Have you got it here? "\'~ (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS...DOOR 0~ND) JACK: "So youlre Bob's oldest daughter, eh, KathY? EATHY: Yes~slr. Wouldn,t you llke to sit down, M~. Benny? JACK: Thank you, Kathy....sey...that's s very pretty dress you're wearing, \ KATHY: I~m glad you like it....Mother a~d D~ddy geve it to me fo~ my birthday. JACK: Thstls nice....What ot~er blrthdey pPesents did you get? KATHY: Well, my uncle Everett gave me this bracelet...And Uncle Larry gave me s resdlng lamp for my room. ~ACK: What did your Uncle Bing give you?, .VATHY: Uncle Bing gave me e bank to save my money in. JACK: Oh., .~a piggy bank? ~THY: NO, the Security First Nstlon81. ,-ACE: Gos___h_h. ~B: " OkBy, J~ck, I found the contract. A~ 8TMO~ 0182882
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-22- JACK: Good. BOB: Now let's see, where's page nine hundred 8nd six. (SOBI<D: RUFFLING OF PAGES) JACK: It's,, ~in the .middle. ~/~/,~_~ "~--~'~ ~ BOB: Oh,~%ere it Is....An~ here's the eleus~l don~t~llke7 ~ ,~ ~--~ Clause Eighteen...."The party of the second part, Bob Cresby, shall retain all the musielens who h~ve been on the progrem previously"7, s--r~ it wil~l "~e hi~ re'-sp" onslbility to see that ~he " music on their stands is always in such a position that they cen read it". JACK~ Thst's right. BOB: d silly....all you brave to do is~put the music right side up. JACK: Not necessarily...you never can tell what position the boys will be in. BOB: 0h.,..well, what sbout Clause Twenty-0ne? '~ob Crosby will have the responsibility of providing F~snk Remley with his three B's".,...Whe~ are Remley,s three B'S?. . , JACK: Bo jo, Eee look,DBob Wj , Tko thi ...... out of this contract? If those are the only things that are worrying you, we'll work it out. BOB ~, ~J~Oksy, Jack. JACK: Now, finish reedi~ the contrsct in the next two or three weeks end c~ll me, when you're re~y to sign it. BOB: 0k~y....see you ister. AK eTH01 0182888
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~23- JACK: So long, Bob....Goodbye, F~thy. KATHY_: Goodbye, ~. Benny. ~(SOB~: DOOB CLOSES) BOB: [Csthy,~ put this contract back on my desk. KATHY: Yes, Daddy. BOB: (SINGS) When you say i beg your pardon, Then I'll come back to you. ~,~ ~.~nen you ask me to forgive you, T'll r.eturu. KATHY: Dsddy, whst~s that? BOB: Clause Twenty-SiXo KATHY: D~ddy... ,you meau~-? BOB: Yes, da~li~....!fll do azythlng to send you kids to college .... (SINGS) Like the swallows st Sel, rano, Come back to C~pistrsno--- F~--yo~my ~a~t.will-mlwey~ always-~es~n (APPLAUSE AND P~Y0~) AK RI-',~OI 0182889
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(sllooatlon) -24[ JACK.'~. --.~ Ladie~ alld gentlemen...the power of the ballot &s an i~ort~nt power that must be exercised if it is to be r~tsined. 'I~f 7ot are, not ~egSs~ered, 7ou cannot vote. So..don~t lose yoflr~i~ht ~o vote by failing to register. Re~mber..it.~s Four cour.~r~., too. Thank yo11. (APPLAUSE) .... --. DeN: Jack will be back ~n just a moment, but first. . .-.. CV R~01 O 1 [-]2890
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T~ JACK BENNY pRCGRAM SUNDAy SEPTE~ER 14, 1952 (TRANSCNI~hD S~-/TF~ER 7, 1952) SLOSIN8 CO--SIAL - Experimental No, 2 -B- DON: 0RCH: Jack will be back in just s moment, but first .... (F~ ~) CHORUS: Be HaDp~ -- Go ~ucky Get Better T~ste Today! (SHORT CLOSE) DON: Friends, you'll fin,/ Luckies taste better ~- baste ~9~ .. fmesher ... smoot-her because Luck7 Strike gives you fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco in a cigarette that's mad~better to taste better. Luckies taste cleaner because Luck!as perfect cylinder of flne clean tobacco i~ f~ee fT~om those a~mo~ir~ loose ends that get in your mouth ap~ spoil the taste. Luckies taste fresher because they're fully packed without alr spaces - hot spots that burn too fast - taste hot, ha~h a~d dry. Ap~ everqpack of Luckie~ is exura tightly sealed to keep In that fresher tsste. Luckles taste smoother because in a LucMy you get long strand~ of fine, ~±id, 6ood-ta~tlngtobscco ~ a ~i~a~e.~e that draws freel~ and ~moke~ smoothly. Yes, friends~ Luckies taste better! So for your o~a~ real deep-down smoklng enjoyment ~ for a clesne~, freshe.~, smoother smoke - Be Happy -- GO Lucl~-! Make your next carton Lucky Strike[ ORCH: (3 NOTE INTRO) CHORUS Be ~appy -- GO l~cky Go Lucky Str~ke Today! (LONG C[DSE) CV
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(A~PLAUSE & bYJSIC ) DON: The Jsck Benny ~rogrsm is w~itten b~- Sam Perrin, Milt J~sefsbe~s G~o~ Balze~, Joh~ Taokaber-~ and D?Oduood and @i~ee~l by Hillla~d blarks. The J~ck Benny ~rogram i~ b~ou~t to You by Lucky Strike ~-- p~oduct of the A.~rican Tobacco Co.mp~ny -- ~e~Ica's lead~.n~ m~nufsctisoe~ Of ci~arett~-. ~q{!~ IS T~E CB~ .,, RADIO . .. NEY~OR~.~ '~ CV ~91-,N0 ~ 0~ 82892
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"x~¢I s~ 8O~IT~ T ~t-~~#'~g AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPA~f LUCKY STR IEE THE JACK ~ENNY PR0~AM SLa.~A_~ sEP~.~s~a 2t, i~ css 4:00 - 4:~xO PM PDST SEPT. 19~ 1952) ~CV
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~j .............. THE JAE~ BENNY PROGR~M SUNDAY ~EP~ER 21, 1052 ('I~ANSCRI~ SEPT. 19, 1952) 0PENIN~ ~0~@~RCIAL - Experimental No. I -A- WILSON : TS~ JACK SENTRY FROGP-~Z4....~RANSCR/~ $3~ _~RESE~ BY LUOk-f 8TRIEE ! Be i{appy - ~ Lucky Be ]qappy - Get Bette~ Tasze -e :{appy - Go Lucky Get Bette~ Taste Today! This is Don Wilson, sad ~moke~s, ,2±ere,s no doubt about it - Luc~ies taste bette~, And this better taste starts with Luc~ies~ fine tobacco. Yes, L. 8./ M. ~, T. -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco i~ a cigarette that,s msde bette~ to taste ~ fre~qer~ ~m_oo.the~. Cleaner? You bet! In a Lusk~ you have a perfect ey!~e? o~ ~ine clean tobacco -- free fDom those annoying loose ends t~at get in you~ mouth and spoil the taste. Fresher? Of course! Luokle8 are I ~ily packed without ~ir spaces - hot sfots that burn too fast - taste hot, ha~sh and dry. ~md ever~ pac~ ~f Luckles is extra tightly sealed to keep in Luc~ie~~ fresher taste. And am opthe~? V_es, indeed! Luc~!es~ long strands of fide, mild, good-tastlng tobacco are made into a cigarette that draws freely and smokes smoothly. 8o friends, enjoy a better-ta~tln~ cigarette -- a cleaner, fre~ smoother smo~e.~ Be V~ppy - ~_ Luo~! .Make v ou~ nex~ carton Lucky Strike! KT R T,~O'I 0182B94
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-- ........ .k i ........ DON: (FIRST ROUTINE) -I- (~TF_~ COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STNrKE }'NDGRAM~ 5TA~%RiNG JACK BENNY...WITH MhRy LIVI~[C~TONE, ROCHESTEE, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBV, TIqE SPORTSMEN QUARTET~ AND "YOL~RS TRULY" DON WII~0N. ( P USE....MUSIC AMU DOWn) DON: AND NOW~ LhDIES AND GENTIAN, lID L~gE TO TaKE YOU I~CE TO YESTENDATr, ABOUT A i{ALP HOUR BA~ORE ~ TI~...JACK ~ND i ~L~D C~ONE INT0 ~-~ CORNER DRUGSTORE TO C~ET A BI~ TO EAT. (SOUND: LIGHT RESTAUP~ NOISES) J JACK: Hmm, there are a io~ of people in here.~I hope we can find Beats. DON: Yes, every table is taken. JAC~: Yeah. DON: Oh JacLc~ there are two empty stoolm at the end of the JACK: -~You take those, Don. I'll wait...0h, there,re some people getting up from t~- tWs!e~ iet~s sit over shere. DON: Okay. (SOUND: FOOTNTEpS...C~{A_TRN MOVING) JACK: ~ Don, look...three people were at this table and they ate fol• only tl-Arty-five cents. DON: That's the tip. JACK: In a drugstore?...It must be murder in Eomanoff's...0h well, whatrre you gonna eat, Don? ~i don't know. KT F~T~O ~ 0182895
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-2- DENNIS: Hello, Mr. Benny..Hello, Don. JACK: Oh, hello, Dennis. DON:~, tit dow~ and joi~ us.~~-~-~ DEh~IS:M~hanke. JACK: DENNIS : DON: JACK: DON : JACK: IRIS: JACK: IRIS: JACK: ~ISIS: JACK: By the ~zy kid, what did yau~p~rents think of our opening ~og~am last Jdund~y? DENNIS'~Idon, t know...They~e still o~t of town. JACK: Sk~bl~/-o~t of tcwn? DENNIS: yeah. When ~'got back here ~om England, there was no one home -- ~ust a note f~ommymcther. JACK: A note? D~IS: yeah...it said.."DearDennls..Eecelved your letter telling us that you are coming home, so your father and I decided to take a short ~acation. Don~t forget to vote in November... Signed, Mother." Kmm. Gee, I donSt know what to eat t d~d you fellows order?.,~-~]J Nothing yet. Ye~h, the service here is so slow. Well, Jack, they changed all thelm help hs~e d~i~g~summer ...That blonde ~i-~}-over there is the new wzltress. (PLFASED) 0h,.The blond~, eh? Sayj she's cute. 0h Miss..Miss? What~do oy~want, Mac? Hmmm. ]~e d like to o~dem. 0~y..What do you ~aut? Well, don~t you h~ve ~ menu? ItIs wrltten ~p on that blaek-boa~d hehi~d the collnter. OV fg]-MO I 0182896
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JACK: ISIS: JACK: IRIS : JACK_~: IRI3 : JACK: -3- 0~...Weil, I can lt see that far. With those glasses, i thot~t you could see Catalina! Never mlnd...I~ll have a lettuce and tomato sandwich and 2~ A glass of milk. How did you Know? I can spot rem every time. Hmm,..Wha~ are you gonna have, Dennis? 2 DENNIS:~et's see.,.0h~ Miss~ do you have any ice cream? IRIS : Yeah. DErmIS: Pistachio ice cream? ~IS : Yeah. DENNIS: 0~ good, IrLl have come chicken pot pie a )a mode. JACK: What...Dennls,~uhy-de-you order ice cream ca chicken pot pie? DENNIS: i like cold cblcken. JACK: Wei~...Miss, I "know ~¢hat yourre thln~ing, but if he wants i~, give it to him. IRIS: 0~ay...Now what about you, DON: Well, l'm on a diet ~e~lllI just have a glass of tomato juice aged some ~ye krisp, iSIS: Just r~e kl+isp? JACK: About ten pounds...~Jnd Miss, welre in a hur~g. IRIS : Okay. (SOUND: DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS) __ JACK: You I~ow~ she m~ound a little~ard, but there~ ~omethlng attractive a'oout her...l don't know w ether it's her blonde hair o~ ~hat blue tattooing+J.~ghe is~e.d loo~ing, though. DENNIS: If you think shets good looking, you oughta see her sister. k~T MTXOI 0 1828517
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J~CK: DENNIS: JACK: DEt~NIS : gACK: DON: JACK: DENNIS: JACk.: DIS: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: IRIS: JACK: J 0h~ isr§he good looking, too? No. Well, then why did you whistle? Your garter is showing. Nev Dennis, stop being silly...And-why--ls-i~-eve~y~time_$ou C~e in a restaurant you order such silly things to eat?,./.. Imagifie, chicken po~ pie ~d ice cream... Jack~ rJ_g~ts Denni~ there ~e some foods that jast don t go together. -, // Certainly, Dennis.. ;Now when the waitress/colnes, I want you / to change that ridiculous order. / Okay. '- / / F~re she comes ~ow., .Mi~s~ thl~rFoung man wants to change his order. He doesnt want chicken pot pie a la mode. ./ Okay, what do vo,~ want instead? Well .... t Dennis, make up yo~ mlnd.°°~rnat do you want?~, / I want two fried' oyster~, sunny side up. / What? (CALLS)//Two fried 0_~tej~s ~ side u~. Vlss/.. ~Iss...yo~ have that? / IRIS: l~don't ~cuow~ but I'm as anxious to find out as you are. IRIS: Here's you~ sa[~wich, Mac. JAn[: Look, Miss~...~my name isn't Mac. It's Jack...Jack Benny. IRIS: Jack Benny? i. JACK:~ I'm on the radio. k L, ~T k~ \ FIT~(.. ~ 018289,9
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-5- & -~ IRIS : Oh. JACK: Television, too./~-~ ~-~--~-~ ZP~S : Oh huh. JACK: I do my first T.V. Show on October Fifth...That's two weeks fro~ now. IRIS: The world ~s waiting. JACK: Igedl, thank you, thank you...Now, detIs ~au, fellows, or we~l! be late for reheersal. DENNIS'~M!.. Benny, would you llke to heer the son~ llm golng f~ s~ng + on the program Sunday? JACk: In here? DENNIS: gu~, why not? JA~(: D.~nis...Dh~s isn't a studio. This is a olace of business. DENNIS: So what...last night you played your violin in a gas station on Ventura Eoulevard. JA~{: That's different, it was their opening...Fine agent I,ve got ...I thought he was bookiag me into i~xas...it was Texaco... An vw&y, I donlt want you singing in a d~ug store. D~INIS: Well, if I sing now I Won't have to take up the time at rehearsal. JACK: All right....Aid ~ight...if you want to ma~e a spectacle ~of yo~self~ go ahead. (DENNIS'S SONG -- 'NOU ~LONG TO MEt') gL RFM01 91828~
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( SECO~© ROUTI~ ) -7- (SOLq~D: WALKING FOOTSTEPS...STRFXT ~/~D TRAFFIC NOISES. ) JAG(: ~m glad i got out of that drugstore...It was so embarrassing sitting there when Dennis started to sing ..... Oh, darn it, I left before the oheok oame....that always happens to me ..... ..I havenlt had dessert ~n ~ •. ~ year ..... (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK: Wellj herels C.B.S. SO~: DOOR OPE~...FOOTSTEPS) FilL: (SLIGHT MOOLEY) HeIlo, Mr. Benny. JACK: Oh~ hello, Hs~I~~. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) Any messages? yeah, Bob Crosby is looking for you. Oh, thenks. MEL:~Hers your new orchestra leader, ain't he? # JACK_: Yes, he~s taking Phil N~rris~s place on my radio program. Oh, yeah. ~lels gomua be on yoae television show too, ain't JACK: ~L: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: 0ACK: 3L he? ~h huh. Your first T. V. Show is October;~ Yes, yes. That's two weeEs from now. [9_e World is waiting ..... See you later, ( SOUND : FOOTSTEPS ) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) ainlt it? Harry.
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SAGAs" Wsa -the ~e -~-Ts~ai%-T~r~m a~agt e~Ir~ t -pro~am 9. JACK: --- Oh~-- JAOK:- -- - ~;~Ha~en~ the~- e e~ht-th~t-g u~ ve~9 ~ BOB: (CALLS...SLIt.~Y OFF) OH, JACK...JAOK. J~CK: 0h~ hello, Bob. /.i~-- A.2-,.--,,-~ . JAC~¢:~4/The doo~msn~told me you were lookln6 for me...What is £t P~b? # EO~ ~elL, ~aok, i m new on the show, ~nd I don ~ Eke ~o co~p-~i , but I just read the scm±pt and...do your w?iters know that i~m your zew orchestra leader?....I mean do they~bout the chaZge ? JACK: WhaZ do you mean? BOB: Well, they've go~ ~ gag in here where you say ~o m~, "Hey, when ~ou lead the o~chestr~, why don~t Fou hold a b~to~ in yoOr ha~d?" JACK: Oh huh. BOB: A/~d I~ supposed to ~, "~h&t a~d put down l~ ~az-tin!?~i JC
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-9- JACK: Well, Bob 's a funny Joke. don' ~ dl~ink, JACK: You don~ t? BOB : No. JACK: Well, couldn't you start'? My writers have thousands of drunk jokes left over...Bu% an~u~ay, Bob, i'li tel! them to watch it. SACK: ~ou' re welco~. BOB By the way, Jack,~ w "o do I ~oo about getting aome tickets to the ~oadoast tomorrow? ,JACK: My pvoduce~ will t~ke care of you. BOB: 0hj swell... I n~od a couple heo~sse~today is ~ kid Stev±e~s sixth birthday, and I pl, omlsed him he oouid come to the borsdoast t~T~ ,~f~w. JACK: Oh, Stevie's s~th bi~,thday~ oh? i'll bet he~s excited. BOB: ~ou,re not kidding. And you should have seen the p~eeents he got...his mother gsve him a bloycle...Brother i,e~,~-~-~. roller skatos~ Everett gave him a footbell~ $nd4~iwg gsvo him a b~nk to s~ve his money in. SACK: A piggy benk? BOB: No, the Security Fi.~st Nmtional. / # JACK: Gosh..~iving ~wsy e benk.. ,i kno~Bing $~as loaded, but I ~-~'/ didn't think he had that much. LW RTX01 O 82902
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JACK: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK: BOB : JACK : MARY: JACK: BOB : JACK: MARY: BOB: .MARY: -lO- He is comfortable. I ~now~ i !chow. As a mattel~ of fact, ~hls su,~ame~ he ~a~d that you have an underground vault where you keep your money~ so he decided to dig O~e in hi~yar~.~ fwhat a mess. J Wbat happs ned? He struck oil. Oil? No kidding? Yep..Last night he opened a gas staDion on Vel]tura Bou£evard had a violinist and e~e~Tt/%Ing. Now wait a minute, Bob..Z happen be know about t~mt pl~ce... Itis a Texsco Station. ?~%o do you think owns Texaco? Oh, oh, oh... (OFF .M~ mD SLIGHTLY MUF~_~D) (LAUGHS aND CONTINUES LAUGHING) it'~ fun~y having ~ brother that---~J What Is that? It sounds like Ma~y . ..let's go in her dressing ?oom and see what's so fun~. (SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS,.KNOCK ON DOOR) (LAUGHING) Come in. (SOUND: DOOR OPE ) (LAUGHING) Oh, hello Bob..Hi~ Jack. Hello, Mary..}~.~nat a~e you laughing at? I was reading this letter I just ~ot from my mother. BB ~TXO'I 0 J82~303
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-ll- JACK: She gets them all the ti~j Bob. ~OB: 2our ~olks live iu Plainfield, don~t they, Ma~? M~I~Y: Yes, bbsy have a farm there, JACK: Read the letberj Ma~2'..,go ~hesd. M~2Y: Okay ., (F~AD3) MY DAPLING DAUGHTER M.~RY...J-g3T A SHORT NOTE TO TELL 7fOU I'M GLAD THE SU~E4ER IS ~LMOST OVF~R ~S IT WAS TRE HO-q~fEST ONE WE'VE HAD IN YEAR8. JACK: It's been plenty hot be~e, too. MAMY: TELL JACK THAT HIS FIRST PROGRAM L~ST SU~D~X CANE ON THE AIR JUST AS I WAS OOI~O 0[,'12 TO ~ISIK THE COWS..SO E TOOK A POKTABI~ RADIO INT~ THE BARN TO LISTEN TO IT..(LAUGHINGLY) T~E ~II~< MUSTWE BEEN TRANSCR~RD, TOO, AS T}~/ DIDN'T ~V~LE~E IT UNTIL A LATER HOUR. JACK: .~bave you b~ enough3 Bob? B(B: No, i ~ant to hea~ sor~e mo~e..Go ~head, Meal. ~L~IT/:~HINGS ~L~VE BEEN ,~BOUT THE S~ME AT HOME EXCEPT THAT YO[~ ICOUSIN SOPHIE ZS V$S/TINO U~, AI~ I'M SORRY TO REPORT THAT SHE~S STILL AN OLD MAID.. WE DID I~g2RODUCE HER TO A NICE FELLOW ~/k9 WE TKOUG~ IT "WOULD WORK Ob~, ..BUT .'~ MUST HAVE B~N A p~POBLICAN BECAUSE HE TOOK ONE LOCK AT ~E -~O SAID, "IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE." JACK: That Cousin Sophie of yours hands Ice a laugh...%hl~-~ziD~... MARY: SFEk~I~ OF FOLIT[CS, WE ~ CUR LOOAL ?RT~3T{ HEHE LAST WEEK JACK: MARY: LW TO EHECT A I'~EW ~[AYOR AND YOUR UNCLE JULIUS LOST AGAIN. Hmm,.this is the eighth time he' s lost. WE THOUGE~ HE l~%D A BETTER C~CE THIS TIME BECAUSE NOBGDZ WAS RUNNING AGAINST ~M. ~T~01 018290~
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JACK: MARY: JACK: -12- How can that be? (LAUGHING) _qATHERT~L~I ELECT I~M THEY ABOLISHED THE OFFICE. How do you like that? I~DIRy~__ ~:S~v.. WE bg~L~B~A~D -~-~ACK-~ILL-BE -DOI NG~HI~ ~EIP~T~__~ TE~~EVISION SHOW ON OCTOBER FIFTH, WHIC~ ZS %TWO WEEKS FHOM NOW. k~ • // ,TACK: " That's right. MARY: TELL JACK T~ THE WOHLD ~h~D T~ COWS ARE ~.<AITING~. z~i~ht, all righb..ve~- funny. Now loek/klds, we better JA6~K : All get on stage for rehe,zrsal. ,' z BOB: Oksy Jack, let's go (SOUND: DOOR OPENS..FOOTSTEPS)/ BC~: Ssy, by the ~y, ~ack, i-~ we fln~sh z~he~rsal Baldly euoL~gh do you think we can get in ~in6 holes of golf? JACK: T think ~o, Bob. Do ~luu play pmeuty well? BOB: Oh, so so.,but you know whab h~pRened to me Isat week? ! ~ot the ~estes~ thrill B~ golfer~,oan possibly ~st..I mode a hole in o~%e. • MARY: No kidding? " \ BOB: Ysp..it wss the third hole st D~llal~e~,.Asd gosh, I couldn't wait ~o got back to the clubhouse end buy dr~nks fo~ everTbody. JACK: Oh yes,.thetis the t~aditlon. Wheneve-~ you'make hole in on~ you~ re ~pposed to buy dmln~s fop everybody. BOB: H~V~ you eve~ ~de ~ inoie in one~ Jack? JACK: Yes..abo~t two ~ee~s ~go at Hillorest. )- LW RTX0i 0182905
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-15- (Bm'm ,Z,u~r,~G UP) ,TACK: Oh Don~ver~body re~dy? DON: yes, J~ck. JACK: ~el~nls~ CO~e On, W~lre goNna ~ehear~e. D~NI$:.. ~Oh _~he-~y~t~s-~Id~Lt-make- me-~i~k~ - ~t-w~s th~ desse~t~ JAO~L_.. Jh~t- did ~ou-have-for~desssP~,?-- D&~tS;-. Chick8~ pot pie ~gfS ~de%-- Dennk~r-~ co n~t _t~ink_th ~ ~ ! s--t~nnF. DON: Oh Jack, before we ~bart, there' ~ a gentleman here who~s been JACK: EEAENS: JACK: KEARNY: JACK: K~ARNS : JACK: waiting for 7ou. He, wsnts to talk to you. Well, Don, I'm busy now. Can't we make Ib-- It'll only take 8 minute, Mr. Benny. Well~ all ~ight.. ,what ~en I do for you? N$ name is Feln~ Irving Fein...I~m wlth the Associ8ted press. ~eB~ yes. I'm here to do ~ story about your pel~ou~l appea~6nce t~ip in Europe this summeP. (MC~ES~Y) Oh, it was noth~-ng. LW R ]',~O "I 0182906
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KEARNS : JACK: DENNIS: JACK: _<EARNS : J ACI(: KEAI~NS : DEh~I S : JACK: KEA.%N S : JACK: D~S : .E~AF~S: -14 - That's whet Y told ~y editor but he sent we a~yway. H2nm. ! unde~stsnd that Miss Livingstone was with you on this trip, tOO. JACK: Ye~, and Dsnnis~. He appeared with me at the Palladium Theatrs. In London. (E~GLISH) Righto, ~overnor. ,I -~e-nothlng but Kippers sunny Dennis.. Now ~lhe~e did you go~ ~. Benny, af%e~ yo~ left Lo~do~? Wcll~ afte~ leaving London, "~e went to Dublin, Ireland. And was Dennis Day there wlth you? (IR£SH) Shure and begorra, ~twas good to get ~e feet back on the ould sod, Dennis, please. Now after leaving Dublin, where did you go? To Glasgow. Glasgow, Scotland? (IRISH) Shure a~d begor~a, ~twss good to get me feet back on the ould sod, JACK: He stayed i~ Ireland,..Y~ou-k~w~.Mr~Fei~-wneu-~-we~e a~..uh~ NOW Mr. Benny, there's been so much publicity shout your appearance i~ Londo~ perhaps we could get a ~ew an~le ~f you told me ~bout you~ ~ip to gcotlflnd. LW PIT>~O1 0~8290P
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SACK: i~ll be glad to...W~-a~ived-~n-~le~gow~--~et~andT-~;ul~ ~ix~b,_ e~t e~-a- sods a tionel_tb~ee _week- ~ _~pe~a~ce ~t _the .... Falladium ~In_Loudon~ ~he ~e-I---- JACK: .~h-~e~ y~s,.~.W®ll~ es ~oo~ ~s we eL~ived in ~lasgow, we went right to the Centl~al Hotel... ( SCO~H TRANSITION MUSIC) ROCH: WELL BOSS, I'VE. GOT ECER~HING UNPACKED ~ND HD~G UP. JAOK: Good, Hochester, .Fou know, Irm glad I h~ve a oouple of days off before I open at the Theatre. ~ ~- ROOH: ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE YOUR A~f NOW THAT YOU' RE iN SCOTLAND? JACK: A little...I~ll make it more topical--localize it...You know, Zhe people in Sootlsnd ~ noted for their th~iftlness, so about being stingy,..Th8u s I~ll probably do a lot of ~okes ~ alwsys funny, don~ t you thlnk?....Don~t you? ROCK: ...DON~T R~H ME, R0S$, I ~IVE TO pHRASE THIS VERY CAB~UILY. j ~CE u___ Ne~_mlzd .~ Sa~ ~_ Rcc he st e~r-~w~n-we-first- ~r~i~e~--In-C~l~s~ >~- ROSS~ .... Y~ AE7. ---~ p~K~__~NE- 5ETTE~, Bb~l~ TL~f~ED--IT--GVE~C~TLAND YARD. to go out pretty soon. i~m going shopping. ROCH: OKAY BOSS..DO YOU WA~ TO WEAR YOUR BROWN SUIT OR THE BLUE? J~DK: Nelthem one, l~m gonna wes~ kilts. Ri'~Ol 0182908
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ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: RCCH: JACK: -!5A - ~ILTS ! Yes, kilts. BUT BOSS, THEY'LL DRIVE YOU CRAZY. Why? THE POCKE~BOOKIS ON '!~ OUTST2E. /J~-- • 3 I don't c8~ whe~ it is. AnYWay, I'm gonna ~es~ them~e~pre I 3e~ve Scotlsnd... ,Now Rochester, have you got th~ address of ~h~ store, where Mis~ Livingstone said she'd meet ms? LW
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ROCk: YES, BOSS, IT IS THE BONN~ ~E DEFART~f STORE. I ~WRO'fE IT DOWN ~D~N SHE PHONED...I~E GOT IT ON ~E-- (CFF MI~ ~4~ HEAR PLAY/~ OF CTf~ BAGPIF~) JACK: ~chester..what,~ that? ECCH: Ti~ GOOD HUMOR M~T JACK: It is not...L~t m~ I~io~ a look. (SOL~D: FEW FOOTSTEPS..W~OW OPENS...MARCHING F~ET) JACK: Rochester~ look, It's a whole ba~d..A~d they're stopping ~i~t under my window. (SOUND: MARC}~NG ~ET STOP) HOCH: MAYBE ~ CAME TO I.~IDONE la3U TO GLASGOW. JACK: Sa~, I'II bet thatI~ it. BB
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-16A- (BAGPIPES PLAY CHORI~) QHA~r : WE WELCO~YZ JOCK BENNY JAGK BENNY T~ THRIVI~I MAN FOR BROTHER, NO OTE~ CAN SAVE LIKE BENNY C2N. WE LOVE YOU, JOCK BENNY yOUR ~h'~JES ARE SO ~Dg~/ BLUE ~/ "~LUE _~5 T}~ HEATHER AS CLOSE TC~ETEER~ TOO. (BAGPIPES - 4 BAR~) QUART: ~ T~uL YeU A LUOKY IS FREE OF-LGOBF~FA~S AND WE'VE I~IEA~D THAT IT'S OF ALL ~_ OT-.BPGTS. WELL 1B TP~Y~ SO F_~EE THEN IT'S I UCK~/- STRlq~ FOR ME .~D A B0~Y, BONNY PUFF ON A LUCEX. (BAGPIPES) QUART: YOU ~0~ LUCKY STR3~ IS THE SMOZ.E ]T~ TAEL. LIKE ~CAUSE A LUCKY IS ROb~© hAD !T',~ FIRRRHM~ ~~, ~ ARE MADE OF T~T FIN/~ AND LIGHT TOBAOK FOR A BONNY BONNY SMOKE LIGHT A LUCICf. NO LOYAL ~COTC}~4AN .~ WILL EV~R~.AE ~D T.~N COM2ABE B~ LIKES-A-LUCEX'S BETTER TASTE ~'~-[~K4INE~ THAT THEY'~ TOO GOSD TO WASTE. THE LADS .~ND LASSIES ALL AGR~. ~OR TPS~M IT'S LSMFT~ A CLEANER F~ES}~EE, SM00T~ER SMOKE T~E FAVOI~I~U~ OF ~ t'~ SSOTT~S~ FOLK. (BAGPIPES)
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QUART: l~W GOODBYE, JOCE BEh~, WE ff0PE ~COU F~JOY V-0b~ ~TAY ~SO -GOODBI~'~JOCE BENNY. WE MUST BE ON OUR WAY (BOARD FADE ~ BAGPI?E~ CONTINUE) -16B - LW
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JACK: ~ (TZ~ Rob~I~vt9 JACK; Now Roohester~ wasn't Bhst a nice thing fo~ them to do... TH~ZX{ YOU, BOYS...THANK8 V~Y, VERY MUCH. (sot,'l~: WL~DOW 07~0NES) You tc]ow, Rochester, Scotlsud ~s ~ucb a friendly oountz~. imagine ~endiug 8 bsud he2e to-- {SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Auswer the phone, will you? ROCH: yES, SIR. (SOUIgD: ~EOEIVZN UP) NCOH; MR. BENNY'S ROOM, STAR OF ST_~}E, SCREEN, RADIO, ~WISION AND WOULD DO T~ I~GHLp~D 9%ING IF _~E ~N'T ALRE/~y FLUNG IT. •IACK : Rochester: NOON: NELLO., .OH _YES, NISS LIVINGSTONE, ZE'S JD~T ~ADY TO LEAVE. I'LL TALL HIM. (SO~: ~{EOEIV~ DOWN) ~DON: BOSS, MIZS LIVINGSTONE IS WAITING ~ THE DEPARTMENT STORE. T~CK ~_knom~--Z-k~o~, ,I b~tter Set ~oing, I w~nt to buy some gifts.. Now where's that store Miss Liviugatoue sald she'd meet me? ~OCH; IT'SOON THE CORNER OF PItH i~D F~IRFI~LD NEAR TRE PIRTH OF FORTH. L&OK: Hmm~..i better write that down.,(JUST A LITTLE SLOWLy) Fourth ~nd Fairfield near the Fi~th of Fifth. ~OCH: NO, NO,~NOT FOURTH AND FAIHE~, IT'S FIFT_H~. ~ACK: Ob, well..What's on Fou~,th? RSCH: I DON'T ~ KNOW k~HOIS ON FIRTH, JACK: Well..l'll fiud i~o.GOodbye, Abbott.. ROCH: SO LONG, COSTEILO. JACK: Goodbye. (T~A~HI'nON ~ZO) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ~ STREZT NOISES) RT~01 0~82913
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-±8 & !9- J~CK: New letf s ~ee.,,The Bonnie Hesther Depal, tment Store should be ~round here ~omeplace. ~ .Maybe it's that store acl~ss the Gtreet.., (BOb?~: FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK: bet's see wh~t the sign says...No, thet's ~nny, Moo eud MacGregor...I wish I could find a cop..or ~onmone who knows hls wsy ~Pooud hers...Oh - oh, there's a man standing on the corner in plaid kilts and tam otshanter...he ought to ,know. (SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOT_STEPS) JACK: ~Exouse me, sir~ but is the Bonnie Heather Department store around here? ROBIN: I don't know. JACK: ~gell~ we attar the Firth of Fourth, a1~ntt we? RLBIN: I dotPt know. JACK: Well, this is Fifth Street, !sn' t it? dLBIN: I don't know. rACK: ~y, you're yen a Scotchman. Why are you ~es~-ng those kilts? ~i~IN: It's Ladies Day ab the ball game. lACK: Oh well, I'll find the store.°It oughta be aro~nd-- ~: (OFF) Oh Jaok, Jaok'. lACK: ~a~y, i w~s looking for you..Where's zhe sto~e? [~iEY: ~ight here. TACK: How do you llks thet..I wss stsndlng ~Jght next to it...Well, oome on, let's go in. (SOUND: FOOTgTEPS) I'm so anxious to get something nice ~o_ my si~tel. Florence. Well, they h8ve some besutiful gifts in here. (SOUND: DOOR OP~8 AND CLOSES...8TOF~ NOISES..COUF~E OF FOOTSTEPS) ~ACK: FJ T~OI O18291~
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-QO- JAOE: ~tt~ts ~s a re:toe s~sre. Y~/~Y: Yeah...7on o~gh~a he gble to get ~ometmlng ve.~7 nice heee for you~ sister.,.~ow much do 7on ~;aht ~o ~pend? ,;ACE: Oh, I ought So get he~ something bettes than th~t....Say, do you think ~he~d :ike gay of these perfidies? W M~/~/: Well you ~ ~ ...~*~z comes the m~n, Ca~ o go ~ro~g On De~fu~e "e ,TACK: oh yea...Fardon me, are 7ou the oler :? ~<RIGHT: (SCOTt_d) Aye..,May I be o: ~es~vr~rvice to you? JAUX: Yes, 7e*...Thla is quite g :~ios.. ,bsoad aright moon-light... sto?e youlve ~ot hel,e tonloht. -~: (~,¢HIBP~BI~O) Jeok, for heavens sakes. J~0K: What's the satte~? ~Y: Ill Engiszld yo~ were dropping 7our "HIs~' an~d here ~out2e spraying people. JAOK: We!l, I1m just trTing be he one of the bo?s...Now, clerk, ~' ~/; ~,~ ~ I'd ilke t9 b~y some ~De?fume for ~/@ist~. / ~_-- Z F[RIGH&: ~4eil, now o~dmls your slsse~7 ~- JAOK: We~i, she's ~wo gears ¥dunger ~han 2 am. -- WRIGHT~How old are you? .;ACE: Thi~tT-n!ne. W~IGHT: Thlrrr rPr~rr~r r~rrrrrr~ty-nine ? J3_CE : -leg. MARy: That one almost ~ta~Zed his mob;or. . JACK: Ms/3, pLea~e...Say, tfzle Loo~e-Lx~e a nice bottle of perfume ] is this one in .~e:cican money? JC
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WEIGHT : JACK: JAC~: WE IC-KT : -21- Eight dollars. ~.,F~mm,,,Eight dollars~ That's not so bad...Tell you what, Clerk...I~ll give you four. 1111 take ~even-ninety. ~Jll give you four-ten. Seven seventy-five. ~TP~%Ng I T~IO N- MUSic ) JACK: Fou~ dollars and eighty c~n~s. WRIGHT: Seven ten. JACK: ..... i'll give you five. WRIO~: Have a chair. ~J JACK: Tha~ you.~.Now where were we? WEIGh~ : Seven-ten. JACK: ..;.~IIII give you five. WEIGHT: l~l~ ta~e seven. JACK~__--- ~Ive-£en. kr~gH-~.~ -SJ~" nlnety~ ( T_RANSITION MUSIC) JACK: Five seventy. WRIGk~ : -$1x~ twenty. JACK: Five nine ~. WRIG~ : Six dollars. JACK: Six ten. WRIGHT : Fiv__~e ~. JC ~gT~OJ O~82976
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...... --2 -22 - MARY: BACK JT~ YOUI~ PASSE~ ~CH OT~R. Oh yes...Itll tell you what, clerk...let'~ make it ~ix dollars even. W~iGHT:~ou~e a gentleman and a scholar...it'~ a deal, sir. JACK: Thank you. WRICHT: Irll unlock the store and let you out. JA~4: Good, good. (APPLAUSE A~ FLAYOFF) JC ~T~<OI 018Z9~2
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DO~r : (APPL~Ug~) DON : -23- (.tmOC t'~Ig~I ) Lad~s and ge~tl~m~c ... h~,el~ i~for~atio~ of' i:~po~,tance for everq citizen[ ,.. '/his is ~oing to h~ the biggest, the ~ost i~portan% electioF~ in ~ears. If ~ou ~re an eii~Ible voter~ ~ youlll be at %h~ polls on November Fcurt/~. Bu~ ~ou capri vote [~isss ~ouFre ~e~-stered. If b~ an~, chance ~ou dontt know When, Wh~re, e~ How to register, your City Hall or Count.~ 0ourt House W~!l b~ glad to ~e, ll you. Donlt miss the boat! Registsr now - so Sfou c~ vote on ,~ieotion day. Remember you have to ~@P<[ster to vote! Ti~ank 7ou. Jack will be back in just a moment, bu~ first ... tg~~O t 0182918
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THE JACK BENN~ PRCGRThM SUNDAY SEPTF~BER 14, 1952 (TRANSCRIBED SEP~E~ER 7, 1952) CLOSING COMMERCIAL ~ Ekperimental No. 2 DON : 0ROE: CHORUS: DON: 0RCK: CBORU~ Jack will be hack 5m just a moment, but first .... (FULL VAMP) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Get Better Taste Today! (SHGBT ~LOS~) Friends, you'll fi~xi Luokies taste better -- taste cleaner .. fresher ... ~moother because Luc~jSt?ike gives you flr~e, mild, good-tsatln~ tobacco ~n a cigarette thetis made better to taste better. Luckies taste eleazar because Luckies perfect cylinder of fine ole~n tobacco is free from those a1~oying loose ends that get in your mouth end spoil the taste. Luckles taste f~esher beceuse theylrs fully pecked ~ithout ~Ir speces hot ~pots that b~rn too fast - teste hot, harsh add dry. And every pack Of Luckies is extra ti~itly sealed to keep in that fresher taste. Luekles taste smoother because in 8 Lucky you get long_ s~rands of fine, mild, good-testing tobacco ir~ a cigarette ~hat draws freely and zmokes smoothly. Yes, friends, Luckies taste better} So for you~ own ~e~l deep-down smocking enjoyment - for a cleaner, fresh~, 9moother smoke - Be Happy -- Go Luel~! Make ~next carton Lucky Strike~ (3 NOTE i~OL Be Happy -- GO Lucky GO Luck>/ Strike Today! (LONG CLOSE) CV t~T~{O'l O~829 ~9
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JACk<: w~l GHT: JACI(: WRIGHT: (TA~) ~er,e ~8 yotJ~~ pe~f~ p~ty. Thank you, c!~-~k. Aye~ Laa ... don't go yet. }/hat? -24- sir, and it's all wrapped up nloe and ZOL] tV~ proved 7ourself Go be a true Scos~lqm~n snd i 'd like to present you with these kilts. MARY: Are we ~o~ng bank to the hotel? (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) DON: The Jack Beun~ Pro~m t~ w~ten b~ Sam Pe~t~, MtLt Josefsberg, George Dalz~m, John T~kaber~y aud produced a~d braus~bed b~ Hilltard Marks. 'rn~ Jack Benn~ P~ogram is b~ou~qt to ~ou by Luck7 Strike -- product of th~ .~me~ican Tobacco Company - America's ie~din~ man~f~cturew of ~iga~tte~. L~IA RT:K01 0182920
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PROGRAM #3 PZVISED SC ."RIPT A~4ERICAN TOBACCO C0~PANY LUCKY STRIKE ~EHE JACK Y~NNY PEOGPJ~ SUNDA~_-, SEPTEM~R ~8, 1952 CB$ 4:00 - 4:30 PM PDST (TRA~[SOPJf8~ SEPT. 26, 1952) BB
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. THE JAOK 15EI@NY PR0(~FJ~M -A- S~IDAY, SEP~.,~SER 28, 1952 (q~ANSCRIBED SEPT, 26, 1932) 0 PENIiNG_ COM~ROIAL WIIZON: THE JACK ~NNY PROGRAM ...... TRANSCRIBED AND P~ENTED EZ LUCKY STRII~ CI{0KOB: Be Happy - Go Lucky Be Happy - Get Better Taste Be Happy- - Go Luok~, Get Bette~ T,~ste Today! WILRSN: This is Don Wilson, and Smokers, there's no doubt about it - Luckies ~aste better. And this better taste sterte with Luckies1 fin~ tobacco. Yes, L. S./M. F. T. -- Luck~ S, trike means fine tobacco in a c~gareflte tha~,s i~ade bst~ _ to taste clea_n~2_r, frebnet~, smoother. Cleaner? You b~t: In a Lucky ~/ou have a perfect cylinder of fine clean tobacco -- free from those annoying loose ends that ~t in ~our mouth and spoil the taste. F~esner? Of course! Luokies ar~ fully pecked - without air spaces - hot spots that burn too fast taste hot, harsh and d?y. ADd eve~ pack of Luskles is extra ti~htl~ sealed to keep in LuokiesI fi~eshe~ taste. And smoother.? Yes, indeed! Luckles~ long strands of fine, mild, good-tastin~ tobacco are made into a ciga~tte that draws freely and smokes smoothly. So fDtends, enjo~ a bette~-tastiq~ ciEarette -a cleaner, freshe2, smoothe~ smok~ Be Happy - Go Lucky! Make 2quZ next carton Lucky Strike! BB ~IMOI 0~82922
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(~-~TER CO~/ERCIAL, MUSIC UP .~3 DO}gN) DON : ~. LUCKY STRIKE PROGR~, STARRING JACK B~ .. ,~ ~i~l MA~ I~L--fINGST0~F~, ROCHZS~E~ DENNIS DAY~ B0~ CROS~I~, ".~I~D '~_OUI~ /~ TRULY" DON -~ILSON. (APPLAUSE.,. H~JSiC FAI~S) (SOUND: LOUD 'I~IZPHO~i~ BUZZ., .CLICK) BNA: Hello~ tluis is C.B.S. - The Stares Address.~ ..... May I help you ? MEL: Y~B, operato~. With the cnan~ of time from daylight back to ~tandard, could you tgll me what preg~_.am is on at f0u~ o'clock? BEA: Jus~ a minute...Say~ Mabel, what program is o~ today at four o 5clock? SARA: I dontt know~ Gertrude, I'll look it ap in this Ead~o Guide. (80D~YD: ~IPPiNG OF PAGES) ENA: Hold it, Mabel, held it. \ SARA: Huh? BEA: Look }~IolS plct~re is on pa~ eight. SARA: %Tell, take off m7 glove and ~ial with my naked finger if it ain,t J~ck BennT. EEA : Ye ah. SARA:Ke~s net o~ly handsome, but &ook at that strong chin... wh~t oha?aobsr. BEA: Some character! .... One night 18st week he drove me up to Mulholland Drive, pulled over to a ionel~ spot, turned off the ignition and said, '~ei~, what do you KNow, I~m ou~ of gas." BB RT~O~ 0182923
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~EA: ;)ARA: BEA: -2- NO. Yeah..so I said~ "I'II be ve1~ happy to buy some.~r I :II bat that emb&r?assed him. Embarrassed him nothing. He syDhoned a gal!oz out of his tank and sold it to me. But you koow~ Mabie, 7ou can't stay mad a~ ~ man llks Jack Benny. Just book at that picture.. the way hers standin$ there so casual and oonohalso% with his oo~t t~ro~ over his ar~. ~A: Yes? JACK: Operator, this is Jack Benny. 5AEA: (AFTNR LONG PAUSE) Dertrode~ what,s the ~atter? BE'A: ~e's walti~g for applause. JACK: I'm not waltin~ for applaud% i~m in m7 dressing room... Now O Cerator, with the ohange of time today, I1d llke to check my w~tch...~fnat time is it~ please? BEA: It's twenty min'Jtes to £ou~. JACK: Twenty ~inutes to fou]~! ....T}~atfs funny, Itve got twang7 minutes to thz~e. ~A: Hold on...Mabel, what time lmve you got? ~BARA: Twenty miuutes to five. RTNO? 0182924.
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JACK: ROCK: JACK: -3- SEA: No no, ~m~', vo~LqZ moved ~-ou~ watch ahead an hour, and you're supposed to move it back...Gee are 7on dumb. SARA: I~m not as dumb as Jack Be~y, he dldn~ move it at all. BEA: How could he, h!~ muscles fell out of his sleeves. (SOUND: ~CEI~ER DOWN) JACK: (~G. MIKE) Km, that Gertrude uhlnks ahe ~s smart. It's the last time I give bet Ethyl for the ~rice of regular....}Iow, letls see, where ~id I put m7 .... (SOUND: DOOR OPBNG) Oh, so you finally got ]~re. REZLO, BOSS. Rochester, jou k~ew I ~m always ~ervous before doing ~ program.. why do ~ou have to be late? ROCK: LA~! .... I '-V~ GOT TWENTY MINUTES TO TWO_ JACK: Well, no wo~de~ our watches are all mizad up~ and it's your fault. ROCM : ~ FAULT ! JACK: yes...%~n~t were you supposed to do at two o~clock this morning? R0OH: WHAT I ~TAYS DO...TIP-TOR INTO YOUR ROOM ~ PUT A HOT WATER BOTTLE ON YOD~ F~T. JACK: Is that all 3,ou did? ROCK: (COYLY) WELL...I bK~ST cOO~Egg, BOSS, I TICIC~ YOUR TO~ A T.YTT~ o JACK: Oh, was that you? YEAH...~}IEN I SAW THE WAY YOU l£&D YOUR AR~ AROUND THAT PILLOW, I FIG~ YOU WERE EXPECTING SOb3THING. R [MO 1 0182925
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-4- JACK: Rochester, I always sleep with rny e~ms around Dhe pillow. £OCH: I KNOW, BUT LAST NIGHT_ YOU LOOKED AT IT AND SAID, "DON,T YOU ~F~ TWO CAN LiVE AS CHEAP AS ONE?" JASE: Hm..I do the silliest things in mF sleep...I can understa-~Id putting m7 arms around a pillow...buZ, ~&Ik~ to it... Rochester, wh.~ didn't you wake me up? Noe::, TEO TO IN, BOHE, YOU NENE DANCING. JACK: 9h...Well, Rochester, l'm going down the hall to Miss Livingstone Is d~essing footage ~ou later. q (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLO~E~....FOOTS~PS) / ~,~here's a Coca Cola machine. // "\.,., (SOUND: FEW MOEE FOOTS[~dP$..5T£P..JINGLE ~ CHANGE 0:~ "\ OF POC~T) / JACK: ~im, ths sm~l~st I've got is a quarte~/ ell, t/%at's all / .th:~ is obe of those machine,that makes change. Let's see~..whe~e's tli~.auarter a~ot...there it is. (SOUND: QUARTER BEIN~F~T IN SLOT...'WE :~EAR IT FALL / JACK: There's the bottIe of Coi~. "" (SODIfD: DI~ D~PS INT0 _RETUF~ SLOT..~.TREN ~NOTHER DIME.) 3ACK: And there's my cP~n~e..two dimes. ,~ (som~o: ~o~ms OZ~ DROPS) ,. JACK: I~m...an ext~2/~ime~ out. this machine is / \ put that dime beck in, I might ge~, event°e much ~azge .mo~e. I'lL /'(SOUND: DIFE IN SLOT...F_~LLING iNTO MACHINE, THEN // PLOP OF BOTTLE OOMI}~ OUT. ) ~q ])40 ~ 0182925
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Wa~t a minute, t/%a~ bottle is empty, and ~he_~N~a note in JACK: ,oq i~d your chsoc~."...Kin, what'a~maghlne, it even %~[tes... (SODq~D: FOOTSTEPS) --. JACK: I wonder if Ma~7's in her d~esslng eoom .... (SINGS) Gee~ b~ it's great afte~ bering out late, walking m~ pillow back home... La la la, la la l~ la la lu~ la la la; la la la lu.. (SOUND: [~NOOK ON DOOR) JACK: (UP) Mal~y, are you in the~e? MARY: JUST A MINUTE, JACK, I ~M NOT DRESSED I%T...Oh, pauline... DORIS: Yes, Miss Livingstone? MART: Mr. Benny wante to come in. H~Ip me into my dress. DORIS: Yes, ma~am. Miss I,ivingmto~e., how !o~g has he been on ~'our program? MARK: Pauline, it isn't ~ program, ~t's Mr. Benn~'s, and Mr.. Benny is zhe stsr...Z just work for him, and he Days me a vetF nlce sala~y....not as much as ! pay 70o, but a very nine salary. D~Miss LLvtngstone~ how ca~ 7on afford to pat me more jt~~. MARY: Well...p?om!se you w~hj~ll a~ybody? MARY: Thsre.!,~a'coke maohine in +~he hall that-gTves~back too much I: j. change. ~._ hi Y,NO 1 0 I 8~. 9~. ~
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MA~E: DORIS ; DORIS: -6- JS~T A ~INUT~, JACK! ?aullne, how does my d?sss look? It looks all right Miss Livingstone, but if Z ~r8 you, I ~d wear ~t a little shorte~...You have such pretty legs. (GIGGLES) Thanks, pauline. It's ~oo bad you onl~ have two of 'era. MARY: /What? DOPSS: Well...what i mean is..,When you've ~ot ~ometAing so nice~ it's too bad you can't have l~or~ of it. MAl~:~ieve me, Pauline, ever~ girl l~ho has ~ice le~s as pe~fectl7 satisfied with just two of them. Afts~ all, who'd look a~ a gi?l wi~h t~e_~e legs? DORIS : Everybody. ~'ACK: (OFF) MAHY~0UT IT? MART: JUST A MINU~d JACK: (NORMAL) I don't know why it takes women so long to get dressed. Me~ don't ta~ that long...Rochester throws me together in ~iye milJu~es .... sometimes quicker than -- BOB: (FADING IN) Oh, Jack -- Jack -- JACK:~Bob, -~ought you were on stage rehea?slng the band. BOB~I stood it as long as I could. JACK: ~rnat do you mean? BOB.22,~4~Jack, when T a~eed to take over the same o~chestra JACK: always had, I 4idnft Imow what I was getting into. are driv~.ng me zut~. Why? ~s w~o~g? BB f't I'XO 1 018 9 8
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r _-7_ BOB: Well, look..In [~.e first plac% I'm stuck with an electric guitar player ~hose nose light~ up. JACI[: I know. BOB:~Then there,s a trombone player who's chained to the guy sittln6 nezt to hlm.. JACK: Loo~:, Bob -- BOB: And a dru~er with a candle on his head because it's his birthday. JACK: Bob -- BOB.~I ~m not even genna mention the aecordlo e~acks peanuts in the pleats • JACK: Well, Bob, just have patience. I ~m su~ v~t-we can~-=- DE~CNIS : • , r:~]NNY..NR. B2~tY. JACK: ~Cnat is it, Dennis? DENNIS: Don Wilson is looking all over :'or you, you should have started your program i'ifteen minutes ago. JACK: Plfteen minutes ago?...l~ve got a quarte~~ aftep three. BOB: ak~/~a quarter after four~ JACK: Dennis, wha~ does ~ watch say? DENNIS : G~e~./~. JACK: I don~t mean ~at.. Anyway, kids~ if we're fifteen minutes late, ws bett~r get out on bhs stage. (80U~O: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) DON: Jack, Jack, wb~re h~ve you been? Hurrq. JACK: Look, Don, this is not my fault. DON: But ~ p~ogram -- BB RI~OI 0182929
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JACK: • MAK£: JAOK: DENNIS : JACK: DON : JACK: Don, we s~-p~nty of ~m~ ~o do ~2_e ske c- , ~ " take it easy. Jaek~ which s~o~tch ~re we going to do? ~elr~ going ho do a satire on tb~at wondePful pictur~, ~K~gh ~a Noon ,r which starred [~ rqj Cooer..I am going to play the leading role. You do[%~t oven know what time it ~.s. 0h~ qulet..Don~ turn to page tw~ive a~d Inbroduce ou~ p'lay. Okay, Jack. Bob, Ls the orcIwstra ready? DOB~v/~gome of the boys are :sitting up. JACK: Good, good..take it, ]3on. BB RT>~,O! 0 I 8.2q. 3g
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-9- DON: T~DYES AND GENT~N, FOE OUR ~ATUEE ATTRACTION OF THE EA~NI}D, ~ iRE GOING 90 FRE~NT ,30q~ -V~RSION 0F THAT EPIC OF ~ IJHST, STANLEY [~bi~R PRODUCTION OF "HIGH NOON". (BAND PIHYS I~L~RESSIVE VER~ OF "HIGH NOON"....TBEN SOFT) DON: T~~ TIE IS THE Y~R 1875. T~E PLACE, THE LITTLE T0~/N OF HADZ~YVI%I~...THF SCE, CE IS~ OFFICE OF ~ JUSTICE OF 5~E TEACh. (CESIC FAZES OUT) JAOK: (FILTER) (~8TERN) .... ItM ~E TOWN MARSHALL AND ~ .NA~ iS GARY KANE...THIS IS MY WINDING DAy...~E~ RIGHT AT THIS MOMEN~ E-GETTING MAP~IED TO MY SWEETHEART AMY. • ~JART: DO NOT ?'0RSAKE ~ 0E MY D~_TNLI. _~D ON TN'~ OUR WF~DII~ DAY DO NOT FORSA~ ME~ 0F MY DARLING, JA@E~,~MY WAS A TIMID GAL AND DIDNIT WANT TO _'~AP~Y A NTGHTIN' ~t~Nu so ME ¢o P.SNION..AFTER I f RTE NT, j- BADGE, AND =S I DID£-- f,% ~ACE ~NED BED ~I~L THIS TI..~ IT HAD ~EEN HOLDING UP ~HPANT5.~. ~ ~OW, ~ MOST WONi~ MOMENp IN MAr LI~F HAD ARI~ITED.. .TE~ MARRI-~GE.CZ~IEZOMY WAS CEARIN3 ITS ./ Y~'L: Do ~fou~ Am~, heke %his m~n, Oe~~, to be ~our l'~wful wedded husband? MAgi: Ah do, , MEL: Do you~ Gary, take Amy fo~ your ls~ful wedded wife? FM MTH01 0~B293~
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JACK: ~RY: ~L: MARY: JACK: ~L: DON: ' JACK: -i0 - MEL: NOW repeat efter me, Amy...I, Amy, take thee Gary to love, honor and cherish. MARy: I, ~my, bake thee Gary, to love, honor and cherish. EL: Now, Fou~ Gary..~I, Gary, take thee An~, to ]ove~ honor ~nd cherish. JACK: I, G~Dy, take ~hee Amy, ~o lov~ honor and cherish. ~L: And ,~%th 811 my worldly ~oods Z thee endow. JACK: At/ with -- (LONG PAUbE AS JACK L001~ AT AUDIENCe) EL: Come on...repeat it...and with ell ,~5" wo~141y goods, [ ~he~ e~C~2. I Gary, take thee Amy to love, honor end cherish. Justice, Ah even had to buy the ~Ing: ~eu~l., .i now pro~ottnce you man s~ wife. ~Y., .~v husband° Amy, ~sy b~ide...kiss ~. Uh Uh Uh [~, i~'s m~stomsry for ~he j~stice of the peace to Get the first kiss. JACK: Stand asi4e, Amy, the man wants to ~-'ss me. JACK: 0h...Oome on} ~y, ]~t,s get golng on ea~ hong,~oon. ~ ] ~Y: Gee, Gary. I'm so gl~d you're going to give ~ip ~-ou~ ~ob 8B marshall end put those awful gun~ away. JACK: yes, Amy. Now we can have s peecsful life and -- (SOU~D: DOOR ~%U~ 0P~N FAST) (BBZATHIZSS) ~rshsll: Ymrshall.~ Yesh...whs~s up? EM ~ ]-;WO l 0182932
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-If- DON: Terrible news. ,Frank Miller has been released from Jail! ,TACK: No~ ! DON: Yes, s~d hs's sreivln~ in town at hi~ noon. JACK: Hi~h noon? (BIG 5TI~D~ ENDING WITH CYMBAL) DON: Yes, .High noon...and three of his henchmen ate waitir~ st the reilroaG station to meet him. JACK: ~ere ape ~7 ~ns?...and ! better swear in some deputies..I've got to get 9~ank Miller before he gets me. )~Y: Gary, tell me,..w~t's this all shout? JACK: Amy, five years ago I az~#ested Frank Miller and sent him to jail...he vowed herd kill me when he got o~it. So i've got to get him f~st. i~h~: But ~az~I, you ~ay be killed. I donlt want to beoomz e widow on ,~ weddizkq day., ,I wan~ to go on a hone~noon. JACK: Look, A~ -- I can't run 8w8%~. . .You would.n~t wants be married to e oc~e~d, wGdld yo~? ~i&RY: Ytd do en~hing to ~et out of th~ Mey Company. JACK: (FILTER) IT WAS [r~EN I REALIZED TEAT A~ 5PEIZ~D SID~AYB WAS MAy...BUT I HAD ~ DUTY TO P~RFORM EVEN IF IT ~_?~£ LDSI[~ AMY,..I ~NT OUTSIDE AND WAI~ T~ THE HOT, DUSTY, DESERTED STREETS LOOK/~D IN VAIN FOR MEN ~0 ~ERVE AS D~PUTIES. QUART: OH TO BE TORN TWIXT I~ AND DUTY SUPPOSING I LOSE MY FAIR I~.AIRED 5EAUTf LOOK AT -~H~T BIG K&ND MOVE ALONG NEARING HIGH NOON. MASSE A Vg£~r WHILE IN STATE'S PRISON VOWED iT WOULD BE MY L~E OR hqS'N EM 01£,2933
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JACK: I ~{ENT ~TERYW}~5{E LOOK!SD FOR DEPUTIES...I ~ENT TO T~IR HOI~S, TO _}~ GE~NERAL oTORE, A~AD I ~NT TO THE T~f SALOON...IY FACT, WE ~T~iO A $CEN~ IN THE SALOON BUT ~ CUT IT BECAUSE FHIL HARRIS IS .ON ANOTheR ~TWORK...FINALLY I W~NT LOOKING FOR DESPF2~TE ~ENNIS MCNGLT¥~ THE MAN WHO HAD BEEN ~ ASSISTANt.. SUEf~NLy I SAW ~LIM.. ,HE C_~ RIDIE~ TOWARDS ME. (SOUND: A£PROACHING HOR~S ~OOVES.. SL~{ING D~N TO STOP) DENNIS:(OLD _VAN) Whoaaa...Whooaasa...Eas7 now..Eesy, Ol~ P~int. MEL: (LONG MO000000O OF COW) ~O~L~-~J~~ HE ~AS ~'MAN WT{O 0RIGINA~ THE WHITE LINE DOWN T/~ MIDDLE OF ~I~ ST~T....~ DI~MODq~I~ A~D SAID~., E~NNIS: K'ys, Ga~J...Congratulations..! h~a_~n you just got married. JACK: (~G. MI~) Th~t~s ~ight, I dl~. V~NNIS: ~[no~d you mar~,y? The School teachep? JACK: No~ wh~? K~NNIS: ~T±ey ~]wsys do in Westerns. ,TACK: Look~ Z heven't time to ta]k ebout thst. I'm in trouble.~/~-~4~- F~snk Miller is comlr~ back to town to kill me. T need help~-~i . ~NNTS:~ou s%Pe o8~ to the r~ht msn. I~l! help you. JACK: Zo~ ~ill? You're sure you,re not afT_ald. DENNIS: Of course no~. %~q%en I see -~auk Millez~, I'll sneak up behind him. JACK: Oh huh. ~M B]-XOI C18~93~
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DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DE~NIS : JACK: -12A- Then I'll stick my gun [~ his back and say, '~eet up." You ~e~n !I~.nds ~p.ll N% Feet ~p. Pa~ Him O~ The Popo. What? Let'~ hear h£m la~gh..H~ ha.~. ~. (FIDTER) AS I lEFT RIM, i~ TURNED ~HE CO~l CVER ON ITS BACK AND ~AS MILKING iT.. ZT LCOKED LII~ ~ FOUNTAIN AT WIT~SHI~ AND S~NTA MONICA....Z KEPT WALKING ON THROUC-~ THE TOWN LOOi~G FOR HELP...THE ST~TS WE~ D~ER~]D..IT WAS OETTyNG CIDSE TO HIGH NOON AND ! HAD 'i~ FIND SO.~BODY TO DEPUTI~, ~O I ]~JST EE£T W TALKING. yAI~...WALKING... (SO-OND : FOOTSTE£~) R T ~"~O 1 01 8,.,!9 3S
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QUART: W~ THT_NK [TI5 TIME FOR O%~q~ COMIKERCT~AL THIS SK~2CH MAy TAKE ALL DAy WE WA~ TO SING ~OU~ ~I~OSE ~//CKIES THOSE O00D OLD LUOKIE.~ FINE TASTI~ LUGKIES ~CAUSE LUCKY STR~S OUR FA¥OR~gE BF~ND. EVERYO~ ~TAP//~' AND O0~ARINI" m-ZrERYO~ ~TA~DINt rROIrND A~D ~£ABIN' LOCK ~ THAT ~IG ?lAND MO~ ALONC- NEARIN' HIgH NOON. LUOKIF~ ARE SO MUCH BETT~ ~A~TIN~ GI~] HIM ANOtHeR, TIMEI~ A-~A~L~1 H~'~ ~OT AFRAID OF DEA~fH, BUT~ OK, W~L~ ¸WILL ~ DO WITHOL~ LUCK~S~ NO '~RUER W059~ ~ EV~ SP~EN WE I~/~D _~ FROM O~ MA A~D R~R ~}{EN ~OSE OUNS ~A~ SMOKXN' BE ~U~ I~ LUCKIES • HO~ GOOD OLD LUCKIE~ SO ~REE AND EASy ON ~ DRAW. LSM, ~K~T LSM~ ~I~T° (~) RI-~OI 0182936
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~ ~-w~--r ~ • (t~Im) ROUTINE) JACK: BEA : JACK: (FILTER) TIME WAS RUNNING SHORT AND STILL i OOULD FIND NO ONE TO }~LP .ME ... I WAS A MAI~ M~ ~ .. NO ONE WODTuD EV~_~ O0~ NEAR FZ ... THIS WAS BEFORE THE DAYS OF O~50ROPHZLL ~.. I DIDN'T }~OW WH~T TO DO ~., IN MY SEARCH FOR HELP I WANDE~ DOWN TO ~4E MEXICAN QUAR'IZR AND I CAV~ UPON A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WERE .~AVI~ A F~STA. I~EEDING A DEPUTY I APFROACHEO ONE OF THE ~ ~3 SAID -- JACK: ~PEG. MIKE] Do you know ~ho I am? MKL: 81. JACK: Do you kuow there' s ~ man out to kill me? M2L: Si. JACK: Would you be willing to help ~? MEL: el. JACK: What's your name? ~: Cy. JACK: Cy? MEL: Bi. JACK; NOW you, ;~enorltB, 82~ you ]o.ls sister? BEA: 51. JACK: Is it all right for you~ brothem to help me? BEA: Si, JAOK: v-~e~b~ve~gi~l~ What' s your name? BEA: Conehit~ Guadalupe Lollta Her~andez Gonzalez Clarita Del Prado Ramona Rosita Rami~ez. Conchlta Guadalupe Lolita HerOandez GouZelez Clamita Del Prado Ramona Eosit~ Ramlrez? Si. I:H ><0 1 (:ClB293~
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-15- JACK: But that na~ is too long...what cmn I ca31 you? SEA: Sue. JACK:Sue. ~ MEL:Si. JACK:~s ~alklng t~o bet. ~sn' t I? SEA: Si. JACK:What do you do for a llviog? BEA: Sew. JACK:Sew? ERA & MEL: Si. JACK: Now cut tha~ out. JACK: (FILTER) I APP~CIAT~ Ti-~IR OFF~ TO HELP, BUT I COULDN~T T~KE A C~a~CE ON OONCETA GUADALUFE LOL!TA HEF~ GONZALES CL~A~ITA D~L FP~DO P~MONA ROSITA PJ~£~ GETTI~ KII,L~D .... IT WOULD DELVE THE T0~BSTO~ M~R NOTS ... BUT NOW I HAD ~UP MY MI~ ... i WASN'T GOING TO WA~T ~DR MILLER TO COME LOOKING FOE ME°.. I DECID~ ~ GO DOWN TO THE RAILROAD STATION A~D WAIT FOR FAM. (SOUND: WALKING FOOTSTEPS SUSTAIN IN E.G.) QUART: He made a vow whlle in State'e Prison VOwed it would be my life or hls'n. I'm not ~fraid of death, but, oh, What will I do if y~u leave me. JACK: (FILTER) ! ~EACH~ THE P~IL~OAD STATION .. • F~a~ MILLER'S TRAIN WAS DI~ TO ~ AT I~IGH ~OON. WITH ONLY A FEW MINUTES TO WAIT~ I WE~ !NSIDF° (S~: DOOR OPENS ,.. LIG~ STATION NOISES IN) ~?~OI 0182938
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-16- ~L: (P.A.) TRAIN NOW LOADING ON TRACK FIVE FOR .~AHEiM, AZUSA~ A~ CUC...AMONGA. JACK: (FILTER) I WAS ALONE IN T~ STATION ~CEPT FOR ONE COWBOy ,.. THINKING I CODY~D MA~ HIM A DEPUTY, X W~T OVER TO TAlK TO HIM. (SOU~: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) JACK: What's yore name, Psrdner? BOB: (VEEY WESTERN) Tex Crosby. JACK: Tex, eh... then you were born in TeXas? BOB: No, Ah was born in IDulsisn~, but a!u't nobody gonug call me Louise. JACK: ThBt' s an old ~eke. BOB:J~g'~It was new in 1875. JACK: 0h yes ... What a~e you doing here anyway, Te~ BOB 'm%~sltlng for my fl-,end Frank Miller to a~ive ... ~etre gocna kill the town Msrshall. JACK: (A LITTLE MENACING) Oh, you aret eh? Well, I'm the town Marshall and i'm go~ns'2~ll you. MEL: (P,A.) T~IN NOW LEAVING ON TRACK FIVE FOR A~NAHEIM, AZUSA, JACK: , .. But I:ll give you ~ fighting chance. When I count three, draw and shoo~. B CB : 0 k~y. JACK: One ... two .,. three ... (SOUND: PISTOL SHOT) BC~: (GROANS IN PAIN) ~. (BOU~D: BCDY TIT~) M~: (P.A.) .... A~ONGA.
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-17 - JACK: I got ya, Tex. soB: (GRoA ) JACK: (FILTER) AS HE LAY TI~RE, HE REMINDED HE OF HIS BROTHER ... HE WAS A GROANER, TOO ...... NOW I HAD GOTT~ RIO OF ONE OF THE K~J~E~S . .. (SO~: CI~9.~ING AND OHU~ING AND '~HIZTI~ OF TRAIN AS IT CO~ INTO THE STATION) J AOK: THE HIGH NOON T~N pULL~ iNTO THE 3TATION ... IT CA~ TO A 3TOP. ~ MILLER GOT OFF THE VE~ I~ST CAR AND WAS MET BY ~S TWO HEMAI~NG H~NCHMEN ... THX8 WAS MY DATE WTTH DESTINY. ( SOUND : NEOTSTEF~ ) JACK: I F~T A LONELY SILENCE AS I WAI~ TOWAED THE T-~EE N~N W~O WANTED TO KILL ~ ... ALONE IN THE BLAZING NOONDAY SUN, WITH MY HANDS ON MY GUNS, SLOWLY I CONTI~T~D W~K~I~ TOWARDS TRF~I. (SOD3D: SLOW DEL~ERATE NOOTRTEP~ . o. FOR QUITE A kq~ILE .. SUDDENLY T~Y TRIp .,. BODy ~JD) JACK: -H~ .... MZ CLDq~Y SOUNDMAN GOT UP AND I COYfINUED JAOK: (FILTER) WALKING. (SOU~: FOC~STEP~ CONTINUE) (FILTER) MY HA~ W~RE SWEATING ... M~ THROAT WAS DRY ... I K~W THAT WITHIN ONE MINUTE EITHER THEY OR i WOULD RE DEAD. • .. AS SOON AS I GOT WITHIN PISTOL RANGE, I D~EW MZ GL~ AND FIE~D ! ($OU!~: GUN SHOT .,, BODY THUD ,,. PISTOL 3/{OT ~,. BODY THUD ... PISTOL SHOT ... BCDY THHE) i • RI"~O? 0f829~0
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JACK: "CESj I HAD KILL~ ~J~, TH~ OF THEM . .. WITHOU9 GYVING T}~M A CHANCE TO TALK ... THIS WASN'T THE WAY IT WAS DO~E IN TK~ ~zo~, BUT T ~-~OW ~ow To SAVE'ON AS~. z WAS SAFE NOW. ( sic IN) JACK: ... ~/~0 MY ONLY PROBLEM WAB "~ TO ASK MY WIFE TO COME BACK TO .ME OR GO LOOKING ~DR CONCBZTA GUADALUPE LOLITA I~A~D~ GONZALEZ CI~%RITA DEL ~DO RAMONA RC~ITA P~/~IREZ,.. BUT ~EG~RDLESS OF THE MIX-U? IN DAYLIGHT SAVING TZ~., Z ~ THE WKOLE TOWN ~W ... IT WA~ "HXGH I~OON". (~szo CMESOE_~]O a~ CLT.~) (Z~PLAU~ _~ P~Y01~~)
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_ ,~- ,,i ~ ~ ~. ~ ~ • ~~ ~ -19- JAOE: Ladies ~.~d gentlemen, ~h~ flood of ±~creased enrollments/in Our schools will c~e~te s critical situation ,#ithln the next fe~-gears unless ~ction is take~ now. By taking an lute~est lu'o~r~schools-- all Of us c,*~ hel~ m~ke sure that tbs oomm~n~ty We l~V&~n gets t~9 best educatioD for ~be mone~ it spends BUd provi~@~ the best ~ossible educetional oppo~tunlties for cup ohildren. -~o please joln and work ~#ith iooel civic ~oups ~nd school bO~r~s Rsmember, bette~ schools boild a strong2 gm~rloa. ~ Thank ~ou. ~"~ ( ~2PLAUSE~ " / / DON: Jack ~ill be ba~k in just moment, but first .o. t~ T,'~O ~ 0J82942
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~ : ~:~ ~ ~-- .~ ~ ~r~,~ ~r ~~,~ ¸~¸¸¸ .~ :~!~- , . • ~ ~ ~ ~ .... m~- . T~ JACK BENNY PROGI~M -B- Q, ,3L~DAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1~52 (TRANSCRIBED SEPTEMBER 26~ 1952) CLOSING COM~RC IAL 0ROH: CHORUS: DON: 05CH: CHO~JS: (F01L VAMP) Be Happy - Go Lucky Get Better Taste Today:. (SHOKT CLOSE) Friends, you,ll find Lucktes taste better -- taste cleaner .. freshe~ . .. smoothe~ because Lucky Strike gives you fine, mild, good-tasting bobscoo in a cigarette th~t:s .made bettel• to taste bett~. Luckies taste cleaner because Luckies~pe~fect cylinder of fine clean tobacco is ~e from thos~ 8unoying loose onds that get in you~ mouth and spoil the taste. Luck~-es taste fresher because theyI re fully pecked without air spaces - hot spots that burn too fast - taste hot, hersh and dry. And every pack of Luckles is extra tightly sealed to keep in that f~esher taste. Luckies taste smoother because in a Lucky you get long strands of fine, mildj good-tasting tobacco in a olga~tte that draws Tl~ee!y and smokes smoothl~. Yes, friends, Luckles taste bette~,~. So fo~ you~ own r~al deep-do%rn slr~king enjoyment - for a cleeue<~ fr~she__.___~, smoothen smoke - Be H~ppy - Go Lucky: Make you-~ next carton Lucky Strike: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike Today: (LONG CLOSE) RT~O'I 01829&3
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-20- (FAG) (SOL~: CLICK CLICK OF PHONE) BEA: Oh ~y goodness, M~ble, I forget about the men on the phone. He's ~till waiting. (~UND: plZ~ ~.N) SEA: ~ello. ~Zb: Kow about I% operato~, what program goes on at four " o' clock? SEA: The Jack Benny program but you jus~ missed it. MEL: i did? BEA: Ye~h, but don, t wor_~y. Next Sunday i~ 0ctobsr fifth and you'll not only be able to hea~ hi~ on 2adio~ but Inm~dlat~my following it he'll be on television, too. ~EL: Oh good, t~ wol'id is waiting. (APn,AU~E AND MUBIO) DON: The Jack Benny Ppogram is written by Sen, perrin, Milt Josefsberg~ George Nalzer, John Takabe~lD, ~d prod~oe~ an~ transcribed by Hilllard Marks. The Jack Benny Program Is b~ought to you b~ Lucky ~trlk~ -- product of the .Zmsricsn Tobacco Company -- A~erica~ S lsading m~nufaoturer of cigarettes. ~T~O~ 0t8294.@
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---
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PRCGP~ #$ I~V I~ED 5CR~T /;-~ ,..~-~-.-~'~ ~ERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM S1.~DAY, OCTOBER 5,, 1952 ---- CBS ___ 4:00~.PM ?ST (~SCR~ OCT. t, &952) '! / AK RI-~O'I O1H2945
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TF~ JAOK BENNY PRG~R~ SUNDAY, OCTC~ER 5, t952 (T~SCRIBED 0CTOBER l, 1952) OPENING COMMERCIAL DON: THE JADK B~[NY pROGRAM ... transcribed and presented by LUCKY ~TRIKE: COLLIe: Luckies taste butte#: CHORUS: (CB]~ER) Lucky Strike ~esn~ fine tobacco .... Luc~J Bt~ke means fine tobacco -- Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother: Lucky, Lucky, L~cky: Lucky St~i~e means fine tobacco ~.. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ~.. Cleane~ Fresher, ~moother: Better ge~ ~ cartont B~tte~ get a carto~~. Bette~ get a ca~ton, today: DON: Hallo, frle~ds - this is DOn WZlsou. I~w been chaerlug many yea#s fo~ Lucklest better t~ste, but ! c~n't chee~ bhat_ loud. It take~ ~ bl~up to do thst, and that's just whet ~e've got all over the couut~y - the biggest college cheering sectlon for Luckles that au_~Y ~igarette could Nant. you see, e natlon-wide ~ureey, b~sed on s actual student interviews i~ 80 leading colleges, reveals that more smoke~s is these college~ p~efer Luckies then ~uy other cigarette ... and by ~ wide maz~iu. What's more, the sur~ey shc~s that Lucky Strike ~alued far more smokers in these colleges than the natlon's two other Rri~oipal b~e~ds combi~d. Just thi~k of that: And liste= to thi~s. The NO. 1 reason they gave for ~mokiug Luckies was Luokies' better te~te~. RT~O'! 01829~7; I
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T THE JACK BE~ PR0~P~M $5~DAY OCTOBER 5, 1952 (TF~BCB!~ OCTOBER i, 1952) OPENING 00FLMEROIAL - cont. DON: (CO~'D) CHORUS: ~USIO: DON: So try a ca~toI~ of those ~ freshe~, smooth~-tasti1~ Luckiest You'll feel llke cheerlng, tool Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ,.. Lucky Strike meens fln~ tobacco ,.,. Clesnel~, Fresher~ Smoother' Better E~t a cartouI. Be~ter get ~ carton, today' (PROGI~_ TRE~E UP ~ DO~) The Jsck Benny Program star~in~ .......... F/ DH RT,N01 (,~18294,8
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R0 n ) (API'ER CO~IEROZAL, MUSIC ~'~ AND DOWN) THE LUCKY ST~IE~ pROORAM, STA~HING JAC~ BENNY...WITH MARY QUARTET AND "YO~$ rl~" DON ~EL~ON. DON: A~ NOW, ~ADIES ~ GENTL~J~iEN...IT IS MY ~LEASURE TO INTRODU~ M~: Wait a m~nute; DO~ ~alt a ~]i~te° DON: Huh? M&RT: You bette~ not st~t the program until we're sur~ we'~e workingS. DON: Worklng? BOB; Mary, ~hat's t~s all ~bout? MARY:~ob, remembe~ what l~ppened last week?...With the change from Daylight to 3tandard Time, Jack go~ all mixed up, mls~e~ i~1£ bJs pregram, and now he,s in trouble with the ~ponsor. DON: Say, this is ~eriou~. If Jack ioaes the p~og~am, I'll h~ve to go out and find a Job. Whatlll ~ou do, Mary? Wel~...I dontt k~ow whethe~ to get my own ~adio show o~ go into television. BOB : Oh. L AK Rr ';O I O'1829,4L9
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MARY: BOB: ~EY: JACK: ROSS : JACK: ROSS: JACK: ROSS: JACK: ROSS: JACK: EOSS: N~LSON: _2_¸ But in the meantime, tell yoa~ wife ~o buy hem stockings at the May Company, i,ll give he-~ a discou~*t. (LAUGI{S) I wlll....whe~esA~ Jack now? HeIs on the phone in his dressing room, talking to the spon~olI.,.(FADING) g~ee. I hope it works out all right. (FAD~ IN) YQu see,fM1,/Le~f~hen ! ~issed my p~ogr~¢~ last ~eek, it ~asn~t....Mr. lewi~...Mr, lewis~ a~e you listening? Ye~, Jack, I'm llste~llng. Well~ when I missed the first half of my program hast week, it WaSh, t ~y f~uLt .. (LAUGF_INGLY)~atch seld three flf~een when it was really four flfteen...(i~OUS I~GH) ... So you ,~ , .5~.~ ~7~ see, it ~s~ t my fault at ~II~---~ ~-~- Excuses, exouse~...nothlng but excuses. But Mr. Lewis, didn't you ever make a mistake? i never ~ke mist~:es. Oh. Well, anyway, Mr. Lewis~ when you b~red me .... All 91ght, se I made on~. i knew you'd admit it..,~mywey, M~. Le~is, when you hired me~ we had an uude~stsr~ing theft ..... (SOUHD: QUICK CROWD C~I~) Wait e minute, Jack, hold it a minute. (F~) (A LI_TLZ OFF) ~,S WINDING "/t...}~HE CO~S T~E PITCH ~/~D .... (SOUND: ORACK OF BAT AND CROWD CF~'~RS) J~ SL RTHO'I 0182950
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NELSON: RIZZUTO DRIVES Sk~ DEEp INTO ~T FIELD: (8OUED: C~O~ C~ERS 1~) ~LSON: H~ ~4AS ROUNDED FIL~ST £ND IS pULLING UP AT 8EC0~D...IT'S A CLEAN DOUBI~ FOR RIEZ~0, JACK: Hmm...My future's at stake and hels listening to tb~ ~.¢orld Series. ROSS: What were you s~rlng, J~ck? JACK: Mr. Lewis~ I said ~21et when you hired me, we had an llnder s taodlng that .... HELSON: MANTLE IS NOW AT BAT...HERE COMES THE PITCH AND ..... (SOUND: CRACK OF BAT AND CROWD CHEERE) !~gLSON: _,-T~S A SINGLE...RIZZUTO STARTS FAST...M~/VITE iS SAFE AT FIRST AND RIZZUTO C©ES TO THIRD. (SOUND: CROWD CHEERS UP) JACK: l{mm. ROSS: Wh~t/were you saying, Jack? ~.~ JACK: Now,/~%~ Rizzuto -- I memn, Mr. Lewis...when you hired me, ~e had an ~de~st~ndlr.g~ tD~t .... ~hha~coa~ree%~_and_ t h~ tew-th-a tq------ - jACk4 ~.---But-Mr ~C~ ~% --~Z~ t~l ~o t be~s o~!e gal--ao~ -itq -.%vFur-me~to lose aLL. o ver~ ~g~Xn .~--.~.~J69~ f ~ thlrty-nine. JA_CK: ___~[ell+_I_~ill he_i~ua~.... ,~,~ M~-Lewi~, ~re
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ROSS: The.z/r_e cheerin~ the ba~L~ $am e. J&GK: Ob~ I~-so#~y~Anywa~,_the-pe~ I~g~ng ~o_ge~ove/~is .... (S0~3: %WO CLZOKS OF PHONE) JACK: Mr~ Lewis...M#. LewJ-s..,Oh m~ goodness, ~'etve been cut off. (so~: CLICKING OF EE~yWER) JAOK: Operator...Operator... (SOUND: gWITOI~OAF~) BUZZER) BEA: Oh, Mabel .... gARA: W~t is it, Gertrude? BEA:~ M~ Benny,~ llne is ~lashing. g~RA:'~/~-~wonder wbat Kiss Oz Kire wante now. g .o New York and I must've !~A: Maybe he-- Oh-oh, he was talking t " out blm off....I'm soPlT, M]~. Bezany, I~l! connect you eg~in. (SOUND: SWITCZIBOARD BEING PL~J~D IN) gay, Gertr-~de --- h yeah. ~.,....~- ; ~eu s listen in and hea? what he*~ sating. (SKOCK~D) Listen Ln! Mabel: How can 7ou suggest a thing ~RA: ~Now Gertrude, don~t put on airs fo~ me.%~You didn,t get that c~ullflowe~ ea~ from boxing...Go ahead, listen in snd hee~ what Mr. Benny,s saying. BEA: I don~t have to listen in...I,m going out with him tonight, and you know him. One glass of Manneshevitzts wine and he tells you everything. SL RT}(01 3 ~ =~
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r f 3A2A: m~JCnat a man...C'~on, gertrude, be a sport...put on the eat'phones and listen to what he*s Raying. BF~A: Okay ..... Gee, the spcnso~'~ really giving it to hlm...and ~-~<__ M~. Betray i~ sure pleading fo~ b~is job. SARA: ~o ~.dding. BEA: yeah.~els bragging about ~is t~ient ..... wD~t a great comedian he .~Ls ........ what a wonde~fl~l violinist ....... now, he ' s imitating Johnny Ray. 8iRA: You ~esn he ~ si~Ing? ~EA: No, hels crying ..... Gee~--i4r~-~sha~e'~i~2~3e~qy-c~get--~ ta~Ci~s t~b~s~. SARA:--.He ~,a~t ? SAB~j___,Oh,_~hs/_mus.Lh e--the-~eD[d r~--Se#i-e s 7V .q4T~Cr~- HappD~ing ? ~BEA-~~- ---NOD,- M~i-Be~v-offeT~d~to-takg-a-Gut_ BEA: "Zeab~..Gee, he sure is luoky..,tl-~ ~onsor said he'd give him ~nother chance. (50UND: BUZZER FOUR TIME$.,,FO~R CLI(,~B) JACK: Operator....Operator... : rude th my New Yo~,k call...Would ~ou please f~gu~e up the cha~ge~? How long did I talk? SL
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JACK: BEA: -6- BFA: (SLOWLY) WelI...ToU t~Iked twenty-seven m~nutes and thirty JAC~-~-Feu~.tee~ d c~ar s -and- nln~ty~e_~t ~ ~--- which-- JACk:__- ~ou~,teen--dc~-amd flfty-ei~qt-cents~ -~ ~A: ........... ~eah.-nB~-ther~s ~-twenty-£1~.~e~ oent t~x on that ~hi~ .hTv.-. ...Making a total ~9 ..... Eighteen dolla~s s~d forty-five cents....Thm~k you, Gertrude. You're welcome~ Mr. Einstein. (SOUND: RECE~ DOW~...FOOTSTEPS, ..DOOR 0PENS... JACK: Hmm...Imaglne...eighteen dollars.and ~orty-five~eent~ to call New York...It'~ only ~ix c~nts for an air mall stamp...But then, you can't o-~y in a ietter....0h well, I better get out on the stage. (SOU~D: DOOR OPENS) (INTRODUCTION TO DENNTS,8 SONG) JACK: Hey, Dennis is geing into h~ song. (DENNIS'8 50NG -- "I WENT TO YODE WEDDING")~ T{ SL
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T- JACK: That_ %.as r"~ Went To Your, "Wedding" sung by Pbll Rizzuto -- i mean Dennis Day.. ,and very good, Dennis...And n~g, k~ds .... DON: ~,Say, Jack -- JACK: ~fhat is it, M~ry -- I mean Don...What is it? DON: How did you l~ke o~t with youl, !phone call to the sponsor? JACK: Fine...fine...we h~d a little argumen% but he talked me into not quitting...And now -- MA~: But Jack, s~'~s ~rong...look how nervous you are. DON: Mary's ~ight~ Jack, ~Dat s2e ?on wo~ried about? WoPPi~d ~d Ik~ noz N@~vons...No~ letls get On with <.he show... Where's i~snny Baker? ~Y: Kenny Dake~? He b~sn't been with us fo~ twelve years. JACK: Oh yes...Anyway, look kids, I'm not nervous and l'm not upset. Why should i be upset. Tbs sponso~ didn't fire me. BOB:~ m g_an to hea~ tl~t3 Jack. DON : D~NNI B : JACK: DENNIS: JACK: ~NNIS: JACK: Sane here, I wouldn't want to b~va to look for a new job. It doesn't ~e any dlffe~ence to me, i Was going to quit anyway. Quit? Uh huh. But Dennls,..what.~ the reason? It's oonfidentlal. Well, if it's sonf~dential...Come out in the ~iI ~nd tell me. KT
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U, -)E~NIS : JACK: D~INNIZ: JACK: JACK: DENNIB: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DP/NNIS: JACK: lYn~ N 13 : JACK: _el Okay. ~XOUSS IIS; MK~. She can come too. ~ut Dennis~ you s~.id it "v;as confidential ~nd ~.f itts oonfldsntial it should be between two people. Oh...then you and Ma~y go, I'll stay here. Ok~y-Ma~f-l~t-~s~-.- Look, Dennis...hevenIt I 'had enough trouble today...Now tell me wky you want to quit. .My me%her doesn:t like your program. Oh, she doesn'% eh.~.We!~, what doesn't she like about it? You. Me? Evenly time you s~I "Hello again"~ you ought to see the veins in her nook stick ~ut. Look Dennis...you can tell your mother Wl~the~ she likes me cr not, you have a oont~maot with me and it's got two years to run. Gee, two years...I don'~ think her neck ~,ill mak~ it. ! don't c~re about that. Dsnnis~ behave yourself...Jack missed b~if of his p~ogram last week...~4~s having enough trouble with l~s sponsor... /~ st~p bohherln~ him with your f~/uily p~oblems. JACK: DENNIg: JACK: DENNIS: Yes...Y don't care what your mother thinks. My fathe~ likes pen. He does? May he rest in peace. KT R['~{OI 0~82956
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-9- JACK: Stop being silly...this morning when I called Four hou~e~ you z~ther answered the phone. D~NIS: ~T~t was a recording. JACK: NOW CUT %~IAT O[~! And do me a favor, will you?...~t's forget about the sponsor ~,md just concentrate on doiug good shows. BOB: %reil, JacE, i~ll do all I can. JACK: I know~ Bob, I lan~. BOB:. the ~ay, Jack, ,iLd you notice t~he way I've improved the orchestra? JACK. ! certainly did, Bob. ~%%e band souuds wonderful lately. d; ~xaphaues. What did you do to 5her Eectlon? BOB: I el~/~inated it. JACK: J~Gocd, good .... BOB: And Jack~ I've also been scouting a~ouud for a new piano player. JACK: A new piano player? What's the matte~, don~t you llke the way Bagby plays? BOB.~ It's not that,~you som~ money if we replace him...You se% ths~Union d~mands we pay Bagby time and a half. JACK: How come? BOB.~/~He's got fifteen fingers. JACK: B~byls got fifteen fingers? BOB:~ can play Kitten On The Keys and pick your pocke~ at the s~e time. SL
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"I -10 - JACK: MARY: How do you like that ..... Say Bob... I tb~nk you ou~hta be ~areful how you make c~anges in the band. JACK: FL~RY: JACK: DON: bays ~h~ve been togezher for a long time. If you take one out, t_hey~].l all fall down. Tl]a~'s ~ight...A~yway, Bob, w~'ll talk ~1oout the b~.nd later, .Right now we,ve got a veT important play to do. Yos Jack, we bette~ get started with it. W~t's the play about, Jack? JACK;.~ it's the t,hrilling ~tory of hOW a newspaper reporter sal~ a murde~f~play the part of Scoop Benny .... the fea~les .~ fighting, tight--fitted - I mean two-fisted~editor-in-c~lef ~-- of the Los Angeles Daily Bugle. BOB: Am I in it? JACK: Yosj Bob, you play my st~ reporter...Youlre in it, too, ~.~y.. and ~nnis...De~is...Wherers i'en~is? DON: Ho's listening to ~e World Series on that portable ~adlo. (S00~D: CROWD CPJ~) JACK: Oh for heaven's ~ake...D~nnls. SL
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JACK: ~5: ~SON : NELSON: JACK: MEn: JACK: N~L: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: ~i%%Y: JACK: -12- Say, fello~s -- Qul~t. (FILmieR) ~ C0~S THE PITCH. ~THUD OF BALL ~ GLOVE) AND ~N STRIKES OUT. (SOb~D: CROWD C~k~t~S) Hey fellows...I'm :Looking for the script you %,rote for our play...Where is it? (BIG M00LEY~ don't k~ow...~e didn't 8e~ nuttln aro~d here. When Ne wTote it, we gave it to y~z. Yuz? Y-O-U, yuz. All right~ all ~isht, (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) ~a~ } made hiring those gUyS....They were star~ing on the corner selling pencils and I thought they were ~iters... Ch well. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Did you get the sm~ipts, Jack? No. But Jack, this is ~diculous. Row are we gonna do a play without a script? Yeah....Ssy, wait a minute...Maybs ! left them at home... Give me the phone, Mary, I'll call Rochester. AL t97)gr3'l 0182959
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-13- Here it is, (SOUND: I~CEIVER UP....DIALING) JACK: (OVER DIALING) He 8~id he gave me the script.., i ~onder wha~ happened to it... Maybe Milton Be-~]e -- No, he's in New York... I don~t know... (SOUND: PHONE RINGI~ AT OT_~V~R ~D... RECE~ CLICK) ROCH: MR. RENNY'$ RESIDENC~...STAR OF STAGE, 8~N, RADIO, ~ND HOLD k~ PKOICE. (SOUND: CRC~D c~mms) 4ACK. Rochestem, what &re 7ou doing? ? RCCH: OK,~'S YOU, BOGS ... I 'M JUST iXBTE~ING TO THE WORLD SEEIES JACK: Oh "you are'? Well, wh~ a~en It 79u listentog to my program? ROCH: PUT JACKI~ ROBINGON ON IT AND I NZLL. Rob~se~-s t 7"ack--o~- ROCH: NO~. C.A,N. JACK: What ts that? ROCH: CENTRAL AVENUE NETWO~. JACK: Central Aven~e Network? ~~'~ .~.~ /~"~--~--~ :{O0}h YEAI4...YOU OUGHTA LISTEN TO i~)N~S ~gI~N, IT'S~ EXCITING. JACK: Why ? ROCE: ROBINSON'S FLAYINC~ ON BOTH TE~. 0182960
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JACK: ~o o ... play .~g .., on both teams? ~ODH: YE~Z, A~D I HOPE ~ GAME iS OVER EARLY. JACK: ~y? ROCH: AT FI~;E 0 fCLOCK P~ 'S FIGHTING MAROI~N0. JACK: 0h, stop t/uat ... Now look3 Rochester, w~ve got a play to do ~Are and I cantt find the sc~Ipts. Did I ieavs t~m ~t home? ROCK: NO, YOU I~U-~ T~ _WE ~E GLOTE COMP~AqTY~NT OF YOUR CAR. JACK: In the ~ Oh yes, now i ~e~embe~ ... Thanks, Rochester. Goodbye. RODE : GOODBYE. JACK: Oh, Rocheste~ -- ROCH: YES, BOSS. ~ JACK: You better ~ush do~ he~s t~ t/~e studio,p We do ou~ television show as soon as m~ ~'adlo program is o~e~. ROCH: ! ~0W. JACK: And d<~nlt be late, I need you. ROCH: (COY) O~ BOBS...LET.S ~q~T SAY ~ ~ EACH OT~R. JACK: ye8/~, Yea~ .... Goodb~e. ROCH: G00000 O 00000000DB~/E. (SOUND: R~CEIVER DOWN) JAC~u Oh, Don,. ,i left the scripts in m~ oa~ ... 8o whil~K~go~ o~u~ and get ~bav~ I~%e Sportsmen do~s~6~t ~umbe~. DON: Okay, Jack. The boys~o~ki~g on a~ old, o~d ~umber ~'-at's just re c~ntqy been revived. JACK: An old~n~m'~oe~? %~a~ is it? TK f3T;~¢O1 0 ~ t329~5 "~
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(~W-SED) .-15- JACK: DON: JACK: DON : JhCK: DON: JACK: Oh Don; I a. ~ scripts ~r car. Will you go out and get them? But ~ack, I'm supposed to do the co~mne~olal now. Don~ ~Jn cut and get I~V scripts, i'll do the cor~rclal for you. But Jack -- Never inlnd. Run aloug, Okay. Tbis is my cbence to get on the gocd side of my sponsor. ~'~-~0 1 01829~2
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15~A JACK: / DON: Be F~ppy - Go Luck~~ Be P~ppy - O~t Better Taste Be Happy - Go Luck7 Get Better Taste Today! Poodle ee poo poo, poo pee poo, This is Jack Be~uy, and Smokers, ~here~ no doubt about it - Lnckies taste bette~, And this better taste starts with Luokiesz fhle tobacco. Ye% L. S./M. F. T. -~- Lucky Strike mear~s flue tobacco ~ a clgarette that's ~de bstter to taste cleanert fro~he~_~ ~mootl~...Cleaner? Y~Z bet! I mean you bet.., yes, T~ucklos not onl taste oleane~± freshe~ sooth r • "~ , m e oat tD~y arej, one of the ~icest sponsors you'd ever w~_t to lueet. .~nd now I'd like to dedicate this next number to sy sponsor, Mr. Lewis... Be b~py - Go Lucky Be I~ppy - C~et better baste Be I~ppy - C~ Luck~ . I ~pe Y,m here next week. T Da r~ yoa. Here are the scripts, Jack. MG F~O ~ 0"182963
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( THIf~ ROUTINE) -i6- AND NOW, LADIES ~/~D G~TI~N, FOR OUR PLAy .., A DAY IN LIF_~ £~ A ~]T~SPAPER ~[AN ... TA~E IT, DON. DON: i~DIE8 AND GENTI~Nj ~ 0RR SOE~E 0FENS, WE FIND SCOOP DA!I~Y BUGT-~, HARD AT WORK IN HIS OFFICE. SITTING AT T~ .~T DESK, IB }ilS STAR PEPORTERj FLASH CROSBY. (SOL~{D: PHONE P~NC~% ... RECEIVER U?) JACK: Los Angeles 16ugls ... Scoop Benny speaking ~.. %.~L4T? ... GiVE ~ AlL ~ DETAILS...SEVEN OF TBEM~ ATA{? ... YOU SAY Tg~YIRE T~/<~ OFF AT M]DNID~? ... _~RA}~5 FOB Tf~ TIP ... !~LL BE ~4Ef~. (SODITD: LOb~ f~C~I-qER D0~gN) ROB: ~hat ~s it, Scoop? JACK: Lat~ show at tke ~banh Thsat~...Now !et~s se~. BOB: --!~9~-s~le~ti~-tombst~n~¸ ~oude~T~T 1~Ir-~Or any ~[HO7 0~82964
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-17 - JACK: Deily Bugl-e, Scoop Benny ~aklmg. MA~I: (0OMP-~) Hello, Big Boy .,. This is Mrs. Archibald J. ~tuff~ngton of 204 Stuffiugton Road, ~ggiD~Zon, Califo~nla. JAC!~: tm~s~'~, how a~e ~ou, ~tuff~? ~[~EZ: I,ve got a big sto~j for ~ou ,., Come uP to my apar~msnt ,.. my husband h&s just been -- (S~mD: GU~ SHOT) ~/X: Murdered. JACK: ~faat was tbm~? MARY: M~ husband ~s just been -- (SOUND: GUN SHOT) gARY: Murdered, JACI~: What was ~hat? MAHY: You don~t like him, do you? JACI<: I don't even know aim. Are ye~ ~ure he's dead? (SOUND: ~I~ ~UN SROT~) MAR~: A~7 more queetious? v %~y_my~fm r~.a~_ci2~ ummtaua~ s?_~ MA]~: ----yeabr,-~t~-d~6% TK ~FHO'I 0'1B2~65
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-18- JACK: "~ell, T'll be right ove~ there, M~S, St~ffington, and try to solve this murder before the police come..,see that the body stays wh~e it is. (80U~ GUN SHOT) J AC~: Whst~ s that? N~/{f~ If it moves now, you've got a reel story. JACK: Well, I' ii be ~i~ht over. Goodbye. (80UND: RECEIVER DO~4N) JACK~-~re~ ~ ~ been-~-me~der--commi~e ,dy-~rab-zf-~e~mYlvs- i~ef c _~s-~ tha-pc&ice-do~-we~l-~et~h~--N~c-]i6s~}e-~t6ry for the Bag$~ JACK: -- N pj._Bugl%__she_~t s h_ot a hole In ~h~om~ ocr-ie#~-gc. QUA£¢2~- ~ e w--Per s eke--me ~ - e 5-~In~i~s~d!r~ ~y. JAC "K~-----We-r~_d ~-~No~--~a~t-~re~k~,VNow~c~me on, letLs go, C ) (SOUND: CAR STOPS...CAR DOOR OPE~...FOOTS&~PS) JACK: Here's the house, Flash. (SOUND: ~0CK ON D001~) JACK: We'll get to b~e botto~ of thi~ murder or know th~ reaso~ why. (80UND: DOOR OFENS) JACK: Hello, we're f~om the Los Angeles Daily Bugle. Who are you? LW R T ;','01 0182956
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-19- D~NNIS: I'm the butler. JACK: Oh, you'~ the butler; eh'? ~ell, i'll question you first. '~Ie~ you here when the murder was oo~itted? DENNIS: Ul] huh. J~K: Did you hea~ ~ny gu~ sho$~? DE~IS: Yes, while I w~s l~aklng ooffe~. JACK: How many g~n shots did you hcBr@. DZtl~IS: 7 beard the first one in the kitchen, the ~cond o~ at~he front doo~, ~nd thr~e more ~s I was going through B~k~f-i~l~ JACK: ~t~-~.'.~ I{ow did you get b~ok he~g ~o £a~t? D~NI$: My suspenders ~e~ ceught on the dooz. knob. JACK: ~ou~ suspenders we~ oa~ght o~ the doom knob? D~H-TS: Pr~j sneppy Comeback, eh~ JACK: Yes, yes. D~NNIS: ~/uz gave me that one. JACk; All ~igbt, all right..No~ whe~e~s Mrs. Stuffi~gto~? (SOUND: [DCR OPEN~ ) MABZ: Hare I am, boys~ I've bee~ -4~iting for you. JACK: New, Mrs. Stuffi~gton, I'm here to solve this mumde~...And l~m gonna question yeu right u~w. ~t~Rq: Just a minute..I'll call l~y butler...(CALLB)..~ood~ich.. m~_~ MA~: ~..Bring me ~ martZ~£. DENNIS: Yes, Madame. LW l¸',~O ~ ~7 ' ~ ~ ~ ~
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JACK: D~LNNIS: MART: JACK: BOB: played it and the~'s incriminating evldence JACK: ~'~ Wells ~urn it on again, Flash. Okay. -20- Wait s mluute, M~s. Stufflngton. How c~n you ~it here d~Inking Martinis when you~ husband has ~ust been murdered? Yo~ ~ re ~i~t.. o .Goodrich. Ye~j Madame? Put a black olive in it. Now, ~i~s. Stufflngton, Iknow you co~itted the murder ~o you might ~s wel! canf~s. Oh ye~h~ou ¢~u t p~ove ~ thing~ on it. (80U~D: (FIERY) (FILTEr) (FILTh) MARY: (FIJ~TER) D~NIS: (FILTER) OLICK....RECO~ SCRATCH) Goodrioh, dear. yes, dar!ing. Did you get the gun? Also th~ top% the olub, and the paison. And you f~ured out how yauEre gonne kill hi~ yes .,. I'm gonn~ make him swallow the polsan, then tie the M~RY: (.~!I_,_~ER) DENNIS: (FILTER) MARY: (FILTER) DF~S: (F~TER) (SOUAD: l,ope around his neck. What are you gonna do with the club? I~m gonne pat him O~ the pope. What? That ou~]ta make him !suEh. CLICK) D~ RT;'~O'I 0~82958
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-21- JACK: Well, Mrs, StuffiD~ton, are you ~esdy to confess? MARY; Why should I? ~nere'~ not o~e word ther~ that says I killed my husband. JACK: She's ~li~ht, Flesh. BOB: &~ No she Isart .,. she hss~th h~rd the ~esh Of it. you mean there's ~or~ ~ .. turn oL'~ ~hat dlotoKrsph again. Okay, (SCOLD: CLICK ... TH~N CROWD CF.~NRS) (FILTER) IT'S THE L~T OF ~ ~INT~, ~ OUT, MEN ON SECOND A~D T}E~, AND T~E PITCheR iS WINDING UP. ~/hat~ s that? Oh ~f goodness .°. ! ~uese the ~adic must're b~ on while we were pl~uulug the murder. Oh, then you did plan it. V~D: CRACK OF BAT .,. CID~EES OF CROWD) (9~ILTER) I~'S A ~IT ... IT'S A HiT ... ITIS GOING ... GOING.. ZTIS A KO~ RUN FOR TY COBB. Ty Cobb? We've been plsuning this murde~ fe~ s long time. ... C~il the p~p~r, Fl~sh ... ~'ve ~o~ a JACK: BC6: NELSON: JACK: MARY: JACK: N~SON: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: ~Vou h~ve, ~h? ~reat sta~. (.&PPLAUSE AND .~-'LAYOFF) DH
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,JACK ~ PROGEAM (~l!ocation) October 5, 1952 (Taped October l, 1952) -22- JACK: Ladies and gentlemen ,.. Here is a special message! This year - a~ al~aFs - It'll be the family vote that reaLLy decides things at election t~e .,. and ~'amilies everywhere are pitching -An to remind every eligible American to register ~ so he and she can vote on Novembe~ 4th. If you're helping your col.~unity "get reglstered", congratulation~ Ef you're not, maybe you,d like to remind ~ frienda and neighbors - tomorrow! Remembe~ you have to #eglster to vote! Thank you. DON: Jack will be back in just a mome[1~, b~t first .°. LW ,~ T,-XO. 1 0182g ?~:'~
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'I5~ JACK ~EITN~_ PROG-RI~I SUND~Y,A OCTOBER 5, 1952 (TRA/~SCRIBED OCTOBER I, 1952) CLOSING COntROl AL DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first ... COLliNS: Luckles baste better~ CHORD~:(C}~EER)Luoky Strike means fine tobacco ... Lucky Str~ke means fine tobacco ,.. Clea~er~ Fresher, Smoother} Lucky, luc~, Luck~j! Luck7 Stri'-~ means fine tobacco ... Luc~ Strike means fi~e tobacco ,.. Clea~er, Fresher, Smoother; Better get ~ cartels.~ Hette~ get a ca~ton! Be~e~ get a car.too, today: DON: Friends, youql want to cheer Lucktes, too - once you try 1~m. ~-hoy taste that much oette~_. Let me tell you why. if~/~ - Luck7 Strlka r~leans fine tobacco. And there's auo~he.~ r~asoo -Lockles are made better, round and firm a~d fully packed - te taste cleane~, fresher~ smoother. The fact is~ a nationwide survey based on actual student i~te~iews in 80 leading colleges shows that mo~e smokers tn these colleges p~efe~ Lt~j<ies r~an ao7 other ~Igaret~e. And furthermore, this sur~ey ~hows that Luckies ~ined far more smokers in these colleges than the nation's two other p~,~ncip~l bra~ds combined. yes, these college men a~,d women, just like so many of us, prefer Luck~.es - the cigarette that bastes better. So make o~ ~ext ca~ton Lucky Strike, and see fo~ • ~'~ chee~nls all about! ye ~self wnat ~=e SPORTSMEN: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike Today! (ioN(} CLOSE) R ~ ~'~ 9"1 01B29PI
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JACK: ( APPLAUSE DON: Ladies and gentlcm~n, in about thirty seoonds !Ill be doing mY first television show of this season. So I hape you'll .~l be w~tchiug .... Well, i~!! be seein~ yuz -- I mean you The Jack Benny Prog~ this week was w~,itten by Milt Josefsberg, John Taokaberry, Hal Goldman, AI Gorden~ gnd produoed and tl~snsorlbed by Hilllard Msrks. -23- .o. D~r~ my writers... The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike -- p~oduct of ~be ~me~icsn Tob~ooo Com o~ny -- ~e~io~I s leadi~ manufacturer of clg~ottes. DH
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PRCGP~ ~-~ ~ISED SC P~IPT S*~AY~ OCTOBER 12~ 1952 C~ ~:O0-~M PST 1952) BR T;'~O 'I O 1 L-t 2 9 ~3
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T!~ JACK BEk~ PROGRAM SD~¥, OCTOBER 12; 1952 (TRANSCR]~3~D OCTOBER 9, 1952) OPER~ING COM~CYAL WILSON: THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM...TRANSCRIBED AND PRESENT~ BY LUCKY STRIKE~ CO[~I~S: Luckies taste better! CHORUS CI~: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- Luck~ Btrlk~ ~neans fine tobacco -- C].e~le~ freshe~, ~moo~hsr.T LUC~~, LUC~, Lucky: Lucky Strike means fine., tobacco ,.. Lucky Strike n~sns fine tobacco ,.. Clesne~, fresher, smoother! Better get ~ carton~ Better get a carton.~ Bettor get a carton, today~ WII~0N: Hslio, frle_nds -- Thi~ is Don Wilson. i've been cheerir~ meny years for Luckies' better taste, but I can't cheer that loud. It takes a bi~p to do that, and thatts just ~h~-t we~ve got all over th~ country - the biggest college oheerlr~ section for Luckies that ~n~ cigarette could want. You se% a nation-wide survey, based on actual student interviews in 80 leading colleges, r~veals that more smokers in these colleges prefer Luckles then any other cigarette • .. end by a wide marg~. What's more, the survey shows thet Lucky Strike gained far more smokers i~% these colleges than the nation's t,~o other principal brands comblued. RT~O'I 01829P£
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T~ JACK _BFA~NY PROGRAM SUNDAY, 0CTOB~ 12~ 1952 (TRANSCRIBED OCTOE~ 9* 0PENI~IG C 0N~RC I-CL WILSON : ( CO~' D. ) CHORO~ CBm/ER : ORCH: ~¢ILSON : 1952 ) Just think of that! _~ud listen to this. The f~oe~ one :c6s~on they gave fox, smoking Luckles -,r~ Luckies better taste: SO try ~ carton of tho~e cleane~, fre,~h2r, smoo~her-tastLng Luckles~ you'll feel llke cheering, too.~ Imc~J Strike means fine bobacco ... Lucky ~trik~ means fine ¸tobacco ... Cleaner fresher~ smoothe~] Bette~ get a c~ton! Better get a carton: Bette~ get a carton, todaT~ The Lucky ZZ~ike program starring ........ 8TMO; 3|829;~5
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(FIF~T ROV~TEE) (AFTER CO~EBCIAL, Mb~!C %~ A~D DO~) DON: ~ LUCKY 5tT~K~ PR~}RAM, STARRING JACK BENNY., .WI%7~ F~£ L!~INGSTOI~, EOCKgSTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND '~O[TRS T~;I,Y" DON kr£LSOE. (APPLAUSE...MUBIC UP AND DOWI{) DON: AND NOW, IADXES AND GENTLE~[~N, <ET"S GO OUT TO JA~< BENNY'S HOUSE IN ~RLY ~lZ~. AT TF~ H~MENT, JACK IS REI~%XING IN ~DEN. (SOUND: PHONE :qIE@5...PAUSE...PHONE 2INC~) JACK: Rochester, ~he phoDe. (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Rochester ~- (SOUND: },HONE .=tINGS) JACK: ~imm. (SOUI~D: FOOTST~ps...PEO~E RINGk%...~CEIVER UP) JACK: Hello? HERB: Hello, Chris? JACK: ..... Chris? K£~B: Yeah, ain't ~ou Chrlatouhe~,~'~j JACK: NeWT-Wa{~-'~ ~r~rt~...who ~s t~is calling? I~ERB : Napole o~. JACK: i,m sorry, Napoleon~ but you must have the wrong number. (~OUND : F~CEIVER DOEN) JACK: Era. I ~ever knew they let ~hem have phones in ~/%ose places, ,,, Anyway, I don't know why ~ had to ans~e~ [t...Rochsster... (SOUI~: FOOTSTEPS, ,.DOOR OPENS) P~R ~:~T ~01 0182 ~q~.q
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"4 -2- JACK: Roc~ --~n. T ~onder ~ere he can be?... He must be oct ~ ~a~ge. ~ver since ~fae Colma~s got t-~-at new Cadi~ ~ been shlnlug n~j Maxwell every day. He evec~ put ~m~kyll ~blet k~ the exhaost pipe. I'll go out ~: FOG_~S_~EPS...SCEEEN DOOR OPBNS,,. GRAVEL }~ALK....STOPS ) JACK: Roc~m~ -- ROCK: OK, ~, ~SS. JACK: Rocl~, ~ thou~it ~,ou ~arc In *~le garage. What are ~ou ~oi~ ~ hacks and knees with ~hat butterfly net? KOCH: I TM ~ TO CATCH A GOPHER. JACK: A g~ ~ ~ou ~uro we~ve ~ot o~le? ROCH: OH ~i~, ~, THIS MORNING I ST~K MY HAND ALL THE WAY DO~I~N IN ~...AND T~RE'S A GOPHER THERE ALL RIGHT. JACK: Wel~ql meyer kill him with ¢~hat butterfly net. ROCH: I D~A I~LL'IM, i ~ST WANNA GET MY RING BACK! JACK: Oh, ~ g~ss, that beautlfoi ~old ring I gave yo~ re? Ch~. Bochester, why would a gopher ~ake your ring? BOCH: IT ~ ~ GEEEN ~'~ ~LOUGHT IT ~-AS A BLADE OF GRASS. JACK: Eo~, I think you're maklzg thi~ whole ~-- (W~) Wait a mlzute~..Ro~ester~ ...don't move. RCCK: (~F~) ~@IAT~S THE MATTER, BOSS? JACK: (~) The go~e~..he jusb came up behind ~ou. MEL: (A~) Tsk ~sk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. JACK: (}~) Do~'t~move~ Rochester. ~L: Tsk~ ~k tsk tsk tsk tsk t~k . BE t~ 1;~0 ~ 01829?2
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JACK: "/eah, I see him. (SOUND: RIH~ING ~700TSTE?S) JACK: Rochester, Rachester, I've got him cor~ered...He can't move... Now lql just take this shavel and '- RCCH: ....... BOSS, I@~ DON'T YOU HIT HIM? JACK: I ca~t...book at those bl~e eye~. HOCH: "fEAI~. ~C~L: Tsk tsk ts~ tsk tsk. RCCH: Ale LOOK, ISN'T THAT CUTE? JACK: What? ROCH~ k'~-~'B ?~O~ ~RAC~S ON HIS T~ETh. JACK: FTeil, what da you ~ow, RoChester, let Ii~ gopher run ~raur~d f~hc yard, ~mt doos tt hurt...I ~m g~Ig in the house. (SOUTh: FOOTSTEPS ON GRA~) JACK: i'~ gla,q we didn't catch him....Gee, my no~e hurts. (SOUl,I: SC~&~I DOOR OPENS ~ C~-~3SES...TIg/~E FOOT~TEPS~ DOOR ~UZZER ) JACK: Who can that ~ a~ t~le door? (SO0ND: DOOR NUZZER AC~AIN) ,JACK: Coming. (BOUI~: Z~/SPZED ~0OTSTE~S,. ,~b~r~ RDIOS] JACK: O~-~-hee~e~-se~s~- there's the ~qone~ ~~. (SOUND: POOTSTE?S...PNOI~E R!NGS...RECEIVER UP) JACK: Hollo? ~RB: Hello, Ch~t s ? JACK: Oh fop heavens ~akcs. BR ~TN01 0"182978~
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-3- JACK: (%~IISPERV~NG) If he says 'b~at's up, D~C", I'ii hit him w£~ shovel (UP) Oh, darn it~ bm went back down ~he hole. JACK: Rochester, hand me ~,~t gopher trap. NCCH: I~ERE YCU ARE, JACK: Now~ !ot's ~ee,..l jusb push this spring all the way back (SOU~: STRONG SPRING PTJ~_J~ED BACK) JACK: A~ae.~e, the ~rap £s sst.~Now, let's stand back and wait... i~m....I wonder if i~ '~ ~,oming,,, .I'II ~t dow~ on my k~e~s and look in ~ hole. NOCH: CAN YOU SEE HIM? JACK: Ye~d~...hsrs he comes. MKL: Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk ..... JACK: Ze's comlng closer... MEL: Tsk tsk tsk tsk... JACK: Closer .... M~L: Tsk tsk "Gsk tsk ..... (SOUND: LOUD S~AP) ROCK: BOSS~ BOSS, T~ GOPB~,R GOT ~}~AY, YOU PUT THE TPJ~P IN BACKW#-RDS. Well, doo't sta~d thc~ talking $~9t it off my nose...Ne~u~ JACK: JACK: O~...i _i get ~6~iast th~ng I do. ~L: Tsk bsk tsk tsk tsk. ROCH: BOSS, NI55S, 5~P~ HE CO~,S AGA~. BN RT~O'~ 0~82928
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-5- I£CRB: This is Napoleon. Now Ohrls~ what X wa~ted to tel}- ~ou JACK: LooM, Iim ~io~ Chris~opb-er Columbus and stop a~oying me! (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN) JACK: Wlny does this have to happen to me? (SOUND: DOOR ~JZZ~R) JACK: Comlng- 6,-~j~ (S01Z,~D: FEW RO0~-SYS~S.,..DOOR OPENS) DENNIS: Heilo~ Mr. Be(inT. JACK: Hello~ Marq~ Dennis~ come on [~. (SOUND: D00~ CLOSES) JACIQ Mary, h~w come 7o~ a~d De~is happened to come over a~ ~he MARy:' Jack "- JACK: Huh? MARY: Jack, what happened to your nose? JACK: I got ~t caught Ln a gopher tz, ap. DE_NNIB: ~asn't it crowded? , ~. JACI{: ~r wasn't It, ~b at the time.,/.Now kids, -how did you hap~n ~o,-- (SOUND: PHONE RING~) JACK: ~...it :aust be that crazy guy again. (SOR%D: PHONE RINGS) JACK: l 'm genoa bawl hi~ :let and -- Kin...wai~ a mlnute, . .Key Dennis...De~is. (SOU#D: PHONE R!NC~5) D~N~IS : Yes, ~. Benny. BR RT~07 07B29F9
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DEKTNIS ~ OkaT~, (SOD~: PHO~ R/:NGB) JACK: ~atch this, MarT. (SOUND: I~CE~VER UP) DENNIS: Hello,. ~Yeah, this is him sp~akiuj.,..Well, it was kfnd of a rough voyage but we made ft all rIR_ht....what?,-~..~lce ~ina and the pinta 1,o!led a little bit, but ~qe Santa Maria c~m9 -. ± 113~ . , . JACi[: Nhaz? D~iS: Yeah it was as exgenslve tz~[p but Queen isabella hocked her jewels and put up the money. JACK: Dennis "- DEJFNI$: Nab...Fer~inand was all wrong, I~bella and I were Just .gocr/ friends. (%'~IS -~-E ) JAO/f: Denuls, get awa~ Trom ~2_a~ phone! DENNIS: Just ~ minute.. %hank you very much, I~iI soe you im about an hour,..Goodbye (SO[~D: I~CE1VF~ D0~.q~ ) JACK: Now Mar~- -- W" ths [3hone? DF~TNIS: Gee, Mr. P~mny, ~ou know who that was on JACK: Yes; ~ know, and i delft wants liear an~thlng about it. DI~NZ~:*~h, Mr. Benny -- ,lACK: !~nnis, tha~ guy d~ove me nu~s; ~ow ~ou're not goin~ to... Just let m~ ~a~ the sang ~-ou~re~ ~o~a ~o QS the p~o~&m %rid that~ ~ii I ~an'o OUt of [ou. Oka7. That !,rid is ~az[e? than the guy on bile phone. "$OME~-$[EI~I ALONG Tk~ WAY") ~ENNi3 : JACK: ( -&PPLAUSE ) (DE~IS 3ONG - (APPLAUSE) R ]';gO '~ O'182-~ 80
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JACK: ~hst was very ~ood, Dennis, very good. You .chow, this season your voice is better than ever .... ±~ks... Look M~. B~nny, I ~v~ ~u ~eev~ now, but if ~'~ NapoY_eon calls, ~e±± n~--~ -- JAC[: Dennis, yo~ ~8id yo~l were go±D.~ ~o leave so go. I do~Tt wan~e hear eny more sbout Napoleon. ~NNIS: Okay...goodbye. JACK: Goodbye. ~NNIB:~ay Mapy .... Yes, Dennis. Are ~ou doing ~nythi~Ig thi~ afternoon? DENNIS: Let's fly to i~s Veges and get ~arried. T~Yf: No thanks. ~E~.~Ig: Okay, i'll ssk somebody e~se, GoOdbye. (SCLq~: DOOR SLA~5) JACK: gsy ~.~y, !~'~ ~en~i~ the crazle~b k~d yo~l eve~ ~.~et? MARy: 0h~ ! don't %mow. JACK: Bu~ he does the silliest things. MARy: He didn't get his nose csught in e gopher ~rep. $AC~: All rlght~ all ~ight..._~ry, what did y~l come over here for, anyway? MA~:4~{OU osked me to come over. ~ACK: UhS~? Dontt yo~l remember? Yo~/ ss!d ~ou were going to b~y e ~ew televls~-on set today, s~d you wended me zo go with you. BB RI~{O t 0182~8 "~
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JACK: I~NS : JACK: ~RNS: JACK: -8- JACK: Oh yes.. the one I've got hss sush s small screen. MARY: "Well, come on, let,s go. u~ ~iault a~ ~et some money. MARY: " Do~t be !o~. (80UND: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS..FOOTSTEPS D@¢N STEPS.. HOLLOW...FOOTSTEPS ACROSS b'OODEN BRID3E.. L~P~I~ 0F ~,~ATER A~ L~SH OF TAIL TN I~A~) JACK: U~n...here come my alllgators...oue of them still bss that bandage on h~...i thought sure he'd bs he~led by now. I o~!y took off enough to mmk~ a belt....Well, i beater go in my vault and get my money. (SOUND~ HOLL~ EOOTSTE~S..RATTLTNG OF C~I[TS..1RON HANDLE I~/~NS.. iRON DOOR C~REA[<S OPEN.,. %WO FOOTSTEPS.,..~AVI~ CKAI}~ RATTLED...~ANDLE ~IT~S..R~&VIER IRON DOOR CEEA~ OPEN...~fWO FOOTZTEP~ ) Halt,,, .Who goes' the~e~ friend or foe? Friend. l~a~Is the pass ~ord? ~o loose ends. Oh, It'~ l~O~, ~e. Benny. Yes, yes.. ~ just came down to get some ~one¥..,Bow ~mve you been, Ed? k~AE~NS: Oh fine, fine.. By the way~ Mm. Benny, how are thins on the outside? ~B O182982
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-9- JAOUf: 0h~ very e~citi~, Ed. ~ The country hasn't settled down yet.. You know: la~ Tuesdsy the Yankee~ won, .i&CK: The yankses ~1on. I-~ARNS: Well....so ~he Confederates finally save up~ eh? JACK: NO ~o, Ed, it's a bsseba21 te~m .... JACK: Never mind.. Now excuse me, I want ~o open the safe. Lefts see...the combip~tion Js..Right to Foz, ty-fiv~..(LIOl4_~_ ~/R~ING SOUND] .... Left to Z~tF...(LIGHT q~[RNING SOUND)... Back to Fifteen.. (LIGHT E]]RNINC- SOU~) .... 'lh~n Left to 0r~e-ten.... (LIGHT TURN[~ SOUND)...[l~ne~e. {ZCU~D: ~i&NDLE ~JRNS...DOOR OPEN5 AND ~F~ ~R STEAM WHISTLES, BE~ OONGS, HOR~, GUI¢ SHOTS, ETC. E~DING WI.~H B.O. WHISTLE) ~ARNS: Mr. Benny, who iEstslled that sle~m for you? JACK: Spike Jones. Let ~m see now....the~e .... ~t ought to be enough money. (SOUND SAFE DOOR CLOSES) JACK: Well~ so long, Ed. ~ND: i~oodbye.. Oh~ Mr B~nny -- JACK ~ ---~uh?-- ~oo~ BB ~THOI 0182983
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JACK# ---¥es~;-Tyou-know ~inat_li~ht ia~ -douI-$-)-ou? JAOK: -lO- (S~07~: LRON DOOR CLOSES..HO!£O~*f FOCTS~PS) Gee, Ed's a nice fellOw...Itls smazing.. ,all the years he~s ~t~ed dow~ ±~ that v@~it..°8~ he~ FIeV~ O0!ne out .......... ..... Sometimes I feel gu~it£ paying him by check...I better h~zT, I don~t want to keep -~r7 waiting. (TRANSITION [CJSIC ) ( SO//ND: JACK: ~gJff: JAG'K: MARY: JACK: M~.FYf: JA~,K: Mill: JACK: STarlET NOISES,. FOOTSTEPS) you ]~ow, .MazT, I'm glad I decided to buy s new teievSslou se~. Well, it's about time... The sto~ isn't far f~om here. Now what? ! forgot to tell Rocheste~ to se~ ~ tuxndo to ~he ~le~ners...Z~m going to a cocktail party next Saturday. A cocktail pa~tT....who's giving it? ~on't kT.ow. ~o~. don't know? Look ~ry, I play my violin, get my money and ~o....You should~ seen ~he tip ~ion Davies g~ve me..°.Well, i b~tter step in this drugstor~ and call Rocheste~...Excuse ~e ~irf~te. All z~ight, Jack, ~'ll w~it ou~ he~e. (SOUND: IIEPARTI~ FOOTSTEPS) BB R ~ ~,~01 0 ~8298~t
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-!l- v~ BOB: (C~X~LS) Mary../M~ry MARY: Imh? ..... Oh, ~ilo, Bob. BOB: Hell% Mary...~q%at ~re you doing? MARY: I'm wait~]g fo~ Je.Ck...he~s inside rmzklng ~ phone c~ll. BOB: Oh good...l'll Halt till he comes out....I want to talk to him, he's gott~ do ~omething about tb~t orohestra. M~Y: ~Tnst~s wrong now? BOB: Well, fo~ one thing...have you ever noticed how the b~ss ch~ngJ/ig tone all the time...Sometimes it's low] d~um keeps then Itrs high,~ then it's low, then it's high again. MARy: yeah, what makes the dl~um cha~n@e tone like that? BOB: " ~ depends on ~mw much draft bee~ is in it. TC ~]]'H(] I ]' ~o [ 18~ .,,85
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, • .~ -~ k ~-- ................ ( ism> -12- MABY: Bob, yogi mean th~ l~usiciens keep bee-~ in the b~lss d-~? _BOB: A~e you kidding? They wonr~number when i give % 9II them a do~:nbeet, I ~ofit~ yell, %~8t~3] you ,%ave~ MAKg: No. JACK: (CO~NG IN) Well~ M~ry, i c~iBed Rochester ~-~L -- Oh he]lo, Bob. BOg: H~llo, gaok. JA~q<: Say, Bob, I heard ~ lot of ~ood comments on ou~ television sho~. ~ve~body hhought you w~ <¢onde~'ful on ~b,..And they loved your song. BOB: Wel~ th~nks, ~sck ~,~/But ~he next ~lme I slng, l~ish you'd put some production behind It,.~.that son~, c~l]ed ~o~ s scene in the perk. JAOK: But Bobj I geve you ~ scene in the p~k. B[~: ~i~ I mean reel scenery, not just a tree p~inted on the d~umm~s head. MARY: Thet troe wash~ t peint~d, it was g~owioB there. JACK: Oh atom...A Couple of brsnchss and you make & bib thing out of it. BOB: ~ught he had d~nd~uff, it was Vigero. JACK: Yes yes.. Well, Bob~ ~e've gotta ~un along now. I'm gonna buy a new television s~t. BOB: Gee, I wish ! had time. l~d love to watch bhis. JACK: What? RU f~o't 0182986
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MARy: De JACK: (SOUND: DOUR OPENS...LTGND STC~ N01~S A~ DOC~ CLOZZS) Gee~ they've only got two s~lesmen and they both seem to busy. Thst's all -~ight .... I'd like ~o look around fi~st~js~ l~sve a lot of television se~s here. BB RT;~{O'! 0'18~.8
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MAHY: JACK: ~AqY: JACK: MARY: JACK: NARd: JACK: MARY: JACK: M&RY: JACK: ~RY: BB -14- Yeah.. there's one wIZh a sixteen inch screen., and berets a twenty inch. Key ~a~y, look at the size of tba~ screen ove]~ Lhere...I~ s trei~ndous. ~ich one? Way over there.. ,a1~ wbst ~ clear picture. P~t on your glasse~, 7on're looking ~at the "~ir~do~. Oh. Jack..how about tl~ing ~hls ~et....It's suoposed to be one of the best. Well .... I,]l tttrn it on... (SOUND: CLICK) Hmm, it doesntt work. Jack, this is ~ tei~vlslon set....it t~s to warm ~p first ..... See, bhe picture ~s stertlng ~o come ~n~--~-~ y~ah...quie% M~z~y, I want to beer this. SARA: (SlM]S ON FI~R) THEY'RE NOT MAKI~ THE SKIES $Cr BLU~, ~i~llS L~4R WIS~ YOU WE~ I~. ReT, it's all ot~t of £couz. A8 BLUE A~ ~EY DID W~HEN YOU WISH YOU ~F~ iZERE. AND T]{E MOR~S DON'T S~14 AS ~W B~A~D ~'I AS THEY ~P~ ~ITH yO~ WISE YOU WERE HERE, WISH "ft~ ~rERE ET~E, WISH YOU ~.~RE H~E. RT~01 @182988
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-15- Z~m gonna turn ~he so~nd off ~nS see if ~ csn ~et a s~te# picture, MARY: She's still out of focus. ?~om the hips down she's shore end fat,..sD~ the top of her head is so flst. JACK: Ms~r -- MARY: Msybe her head won~% be so flst if i turn the verticel ]<nob. JACK: Mery, yourre wsstir~ y~ir time, i've bee~ out with ths~ 8~i, she~s rosily built that w~y. M$/~Y: Oh. SARA: k r~ SO.ONE ~ ?AINT!IK} THE LEAV~JS ~_LL WRONg, L~IS _V~&R JACK.~y snother O~.~.ne] i MARY: Okay, P (BOUND: CLICK) (BAND PLAYS CORN~/ SAD ~SiC SOF~LY...Af~ DIES D~'/N) kookzr-r~te . MAPA~-------Shb~F-~/a±et 7- Js c ~; Limnel - ia-- ~oing-t o-..~pe~k ,------ BB #~IH07 0182989
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-16- BTU~:--{jY~TES-LI0~BA~YMQ~E)--~@HtI~en Of-the jur~#, don't ~se~ ~h~t msu-~-p~Ison ..... JACK:--$sy-that-is-~n-old_mic~ure. • Tr-wsnother-sbsnn~1;-F~rv. MARY~ ---~ Ok~y~ ..... (mszc i~¢~o) JACK: Hey !ook~ ~ry.. i~s the Sportsmen <usrtet. Y~RY: Yeah. JAC~K: 'They ~st be doing ~ apsoisl progr-~m. BB ~l'~O'I 0182990
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~ ..................... QUART : G~E, BI~ -~-T_'B ~RF~AT ~4~TER BEING OUT LATE WNIKIN' MY BABy BACK HOF~. ARM IN ARM, OVER MFADO~ AND FA~ ~¢ALKi~r MY B.~3y BACK .~0~, WE GO rLONG, ~I~40NIZIN~ A S0~ OR I'M I~'CITIT~ A pOEM 0~ GO BY Af~ TH~ ~IVE ME ~ EYE ~AIK~ MY ~AB¥ BACK H0~. ~ BTOP FOR ~IIE S~ GIVES ME A ~MILE I SNU~IE I~ ~ TO MY 011EST ~E START iN TO PET A'~D THAT,S l~ i GET_ i~ TAIDUM ALL OV~ ~% V~T. AFTER I KiNDA STRAIGHTEN MY TIE 3~E H~ TO BOEROW MY C0~, ONE KISZ ~ I CONTINUE AGAIN WALKING MY BABY BACK HOME. GEE BUT ITI~ G-~T AFTE~ BEING ~T LATE PUFFIN' A LUCKY BACK HOF~. ~TUBT 0AN~T ~AIT ~FER 7~A~NG ~,~Z DATE PUFFIN~ A LUCKY BAITK HOME SiTTIN' ~ IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR (MO~) -1T . R]'~01 018299";
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( UA+~T CONT 'D. ) SOON I'LL BE NODDING _MY DO~ BT/~ iT+S 9nJN W~EN TgIE LONG DAY IS DONE_ Ft~FFIR' MY ~ZCK~ BACK HG~, IT SEEMS O't~Y FAIR TO TNAR AND COM2ARE F~L%MINE THE S~©}{E !~£AT yOU LIKE YOU'LL S~ "~CHY WE sAy GET LUCZIZN TODAY BE HApPy A~ GO LUCgT£ STRIRE. TELL YOUR ~II~mDS LUOKIES HAVE NO LOOSE ENDS STRIP DOWN A LUCKY AND SHOW '~4 THEN YOU'LL SEE JUST H([~ HAPPY COU'LL BE PUFFINt A LUCICf BACK l{O~ PUFFIN' A LUCKy BACK HOME. ( A~-AUSE ) -18- ~V~01 0182992
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-20 - ~mL: (COUGHS) JACK: I'm terr-%ly sol~ ,.. Well, how much is this twenty inch set7 MFJ~: I'll whi~De~ i~ to b~. JACK:~ You can tell me, I'm all right now. ~L: TT~,oe hundrsd add sixty dollars. SACK: ~reil, 5hat ~'snrt se bad. Would I have to pay cash9 ~L: ~o~ yc~. can eden 8 charge aooc,gunt here. JACK: I can? ~L:Yeah, just go over 5o see the credit msn~gsr. His office is back in the corne~. JACK: Thank you....excuse me~ Mar~y, I'll be ~ight beck. (80UND~ EOOq!STEPS~ .,SUSTAI~ T~OU~ 8~EECH) JACK: I~tls ~ee ... Oh, ~h~re's the office. (50UhD: D00R O?ENg ... ~E~ FOOTSTEPS) 8ACE: ~/~'xouse me, sil• ... I'm b dying S television set that costs three hundred and -~ixty do!!ars ... How ~oh will the down pa~n~ent be? RD~IN: I donlt k~no~'. J~CK: Well, how much of ~n ins~allment will - brave to pay each month? R~IN: i donlt P/~OW. JACK: Well, how many monishs will I have to Ray before I o~u~ it? ROBIN: I don't F~%ow. JACK: You don't Rmow ~r~ythLng ... what s?s you doing in the O~dit Depaz<~en~?
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RUDIN: i missed a psyment and they nail~d ~ shoes to ~he floor. JACK: Oh, £o~ heavens sakes ... that's the silliest thug I ~ve~ ~ar~...$fns~e s that credit m~nag~r? ~S0_~: How do ~ou do, c~n I he~ you? JACK: y~s, I ~ant to buy a To V. se~ on credit° ~ISON: Well, you've com~ to ~-ae right plac~..A~e~ll put a television set Lu you~ hon~ ~r~ ~Ive yo~l five years to pay fo~ it. JACK: ~ell ... NE~SON: Take it.. at you~ a~e it's a good deal. JACK: Loak, ~Mist~r -- NELS0~: No~ before i ~ive ~ou a ch~ge ~eco~uq~, I~!l need some Informer ion .... ~our n~me? JACK: Jack B~y. ~ON: Address? JACK: ~ - 366 North C~mden D_~Ivs. NELSON: 0~cupation? JACK: Comedian. NELSON: your age? .~AOK : Thirty-nine. JACK: Thlrty-nlne? NELSON: NO, ~i~m. • JAOI~: Look, Ig~ste~, i don~t need you:~ jokes o~" credit either .. I picked ou~, lr~r televJ.ston se~ and h~e~s the three hundred ard sixt~r dollars fo~" it,.
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N~LSON: MAF~I: JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: ~ELSON: JACK: NELSON: ,TACK: Thenk you. (SOt~D: DOOR Oi~ENS) Jack -- J/let a minute~ Mary, he,s givln~ me a receipt. Here 7~ a?e~ sl.r ° .. end I'm sure you'll be happy that you bought this television set. The-~e are so mar~y interestin~ programs to watch. For instance, today t?~y have e very %uuusuai pr, ogr~n on called "Historical Characters. " Historical Characters? Yes, you see, this f~llow calls people up on the phone and says he's Napoleon and asks if youfre C'Drls~opher C elu~bus. Huh? And if you don~t hang up on h~_m, you win a television set. Today~B ~iru~gr -~s a yot~ ~na~ li~Ined Dera%~s Day. OH NO '. MARY: ~ic~ ~xlm up and put him in a cab, I'Ii t~e h~ home. (AppLAUSE A~D P~+YO~) RT~'01 C182~95
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~'•"~ JACK BE~ PROGRAM SLT~-'4Y, 0CTOB~DR i2, "o ~ ..5= (TP~NSCBT~ OCTOBER 9, 1952) DON: J~sk will be back in ~ust a momen~ but first . .. C01Z~NS: Luckies Jas~e better! CHORUS C~: Luc~g Strike ~ans fi~e tooacco ... Lucky Str~ce means fine tobacco ... Cleener, freshe~1, ~moother~ Luc~, Lucky, Luc:~y! Luck~ • orike s~ans fine tobscco ... Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... ~±eane_, fresher, smoother! Bette~ get a ca~ton! Bette~ get a carton! Better get a carton, ~oday! DON: -~riends, you'll want to cheer Luokie.% too - once you try ~em. The~ taste that much better. Let ~ tell you why. L~/MFT - Lucky $~rike m~ans fine tobscco - f~a%e, mild, good-t~sting tobacco. ~%d 'just as i~ort~nt ~ Luckies are l~ad_ e_ better, round a~d fi~m and fk~lly packed - to taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. The fact is a natlon-wlde survey based on actual student interviews in 80 leadiD~ co~!eges shows Bhat -~*ore smoker~ in these colleges prefer L~ckles than any other ~Igare~e. -~i~d furthermore, this surveyre~e~-,s• " ~ that I~ackies gained f a_r mo~ smoke~s in these colleges than the nstlon~s two other principal brands combined, (MORE) ~9 T~I40 1 01132996
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. H q!~l~ JACK B£NNY P~RCGRAM ~D]?DAY, 0CTODP~ l~, 195~ (TRANSCRIB:~TZ OCTOBE~ 9, 195~) CLOSING C0~,RC_IAL__ DON: yes, these col]ego l~n and women - just like s qo man7 of u8 - profer Luckle8 - the cigarette tha~ tastes bette~ - ~leaner, fr_egher, smoother. 8o mak~ [puE next car~on Lucc~ S~r_ke. Be happy -- go Luclcy ! 0RCH: {T~RE~ NOTE ~.%~TRO] SPORTS~N: Be Happy -- Go L<ck;g Go Lucky Strlk¢ today~, LONC- 0L0~) t~l-RO'l 0~182997
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(~Ao) (SOL~%D: DOOR OPENS) JACK: H~_j~s_t~w&ited~%-l~e-in-~he-eelevi~$on-~or~?..~dies and i~mr~! F. zanuck, Production Head of 20th Centur.~- FoX, producers of tb~t th~illln~ picture "mhe 3nows o_e Kilamanjaro"~ starring Gregor~g Peck, Ava Ge~aner, ~nd Susan 24~y~ard. Be SUre to listen, ~@'~'f~r~7~/'~"~'" (~2~IAUs3 .~D ~SZC) The Jack Benny Show is ~rttten by S~ Pe-~n, Mt].~ Josefsbe~g, GeoPge Bal~er, and Jobm Teck~beP~7, ~nd produced ~_uud tr~msc~Ibed by Kiiliard M~rks. The Jack Benny PrOgr~/nbAs been brought to you by LuCre# Strike ... product of ~he Amemlcan Tobacco Company -- America~a leadln~ manufactu~e~ of cigarettes, TC PIT;40 i 01829~. 8
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A~ZCAN TOR~CC0 COMPA~f LUCKY STR IE~ ~SE JACE B~-NN~ pROGBAM 8L%rOAy~ OCm-'OBER 19, 1952 CBS 4:00 - 4:~0 ~ ,U~T RT't,fO'| . ~qqL- O 18~ ...... }
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'~ JACK EE:~jy PROGRAM ,:UNDAY~ OCTOBER 19 195~ (TRANSCRIBED 0CTOP~ER 16, 1952) DON : I~E JACK BF~J~-f PROGRAM ~.. TRANSCRIBED AND PRESENTED BY LUCKY STRIKe[ COLLINS: Luckies taste bette~! CHORUS CI~ZER: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ,,. Cleaner~ fresher, sr~oothe~,! Lucky, Lucky, Lucky! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco .~. Lucky Strike means ..foe tobacco ... Cleaner, f~esher~ smoother! 2etter get a ca~ton! Better get a carton! Better get a carton, today! DON: Hello, f_sends ,.. this is Don Wil3on. You know, tb~t college cheer represents a lo~ of smokin~ chee-~ in c~m~uses all over tI~e country. ~-~ i:~eed h~eause a nation-wlde survey, based on actual student inte:,views in 30 le~ding colleges, reveals that mez, s smoke,is in ~Dese colleges ore£"er Luckies than any other, clgs~ette. But that,s not al_~l. 'me s~rvey s.lso ~hows Luokles sained far mo-~e smokers than tb~ nationrs two othe~ principal brands combined! More ~/nporta~t stiil~ the z,eason most of'ben given by the studenbs for smoking Luckies ~as...LucP~es' bgtte2 taste. TC 018300(,.:
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~E JACK ~ENNY PEOGP~I SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, !952 TRANSCRIBED OCTOBER 16, 1952) OPENING COF~ENCZAL (CONT. D]N: Ye~, Luckles do taste better~ because LS/~IFT -- (Co t.) Luc~ Strike merits fin__~e tobacco...fine, mild, Lzood-tastin~ tobacco. And ~ockles are made bette~... made round, and firm, and fully packed, to taste oleaneT, .res~ye~, smoothe~! So make your ~exfi carton Lucky Strike and 2ou'll agree .... Luckles, betts~ taste is something to cheer a'zcut! CHORUS: Lucky S~rike mea~ts fine tobacco ,.. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Cleaner, f~emher, s~oothe1~,t Better get a carton! Better get a carton! Bette~ get a carto~, today! ORCH: (THEY~ i@ A~Ni) DOWN) ~ DON: ~T_,e Lucky Strike program st~z,rlr~ ..... TC ~1"~0"1 0183001
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(FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COY/~CIAL, MUSIC //P .~D DOW~) DON: T}93 LUCKY STRIKE PROGFLAI~ ST~J~I~[G JACK BENNY ...WITH MARy LIVINGSTONE, ROCI~STER, DF2[NIS DAY, BOB CEOSBY, ~:~D "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (AgP~mSE...m~SIC U2 AND DOWN) DON: LADIZS AND G~NTI~4~...O~CE EVERY TWO ~IE~ JACK BENNY ~AD BOC~I~BTER ~X~ OUT. A SHOPPING L!ST OF P-CUSKHOLD I~PJEDS ... ~ W]~ LOOK ]7~ ON ~ TODAY, THEY ARE PREP_~RING ~lS~IB ~'S LIST. (SOUND: B~LING OF CANS) ROCK: SKY, BOBS, THE S~VES ABE ~r~NDA EMPTY...~rB N~ BOME BA/~--~ B~gN5... JACK: Be/<ed Bee~ns...Three cans. ROCK: SO~ PEAs... ,TACK: Not so fast, Rochester...l'm ~ritlng i$ down...Peas, two can~.. ROCK: SOME MAYONNAISE. JACK: Oh Rochester...why bu7 l~np~ise...All it is, is eggs, sai~d oil and vice,am mixed up. ROCH: OH "~S...: C~ MA~ ~T,..WE~LL~ HE h~ZO SOME COR}~D B-~ HASH. JACK: You don~$ h~ve %o buy that either...All it is, is potatoes, corned bee~" and onions. ROCH: YEAH, I CAN MAKE THAT, TOO...NOW', LET'S S~E... %~ .~ SOME, Z~GS .... . VR 0183002
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-2- JACK: Eggs? ...Well, Rochester... ROCE: NO BOSS~ .~ i'M NOT ~ GOING ~Io TRY. JA~: I didn't mean th~t...I meant you can get the eggs ~_~om the milkman ...Now l~t'~ ~et on ~ith the list... ROCH: SO~ BIRD SEED FOR POTTY... JACK: Bird ~eed..~f~...by the w~y, ~her~ is that parrot? ROCH: ~ DON'T ~0W...SHE e.LI~D DOWN ~ROM H~R PEECH THIS MORN~G AND DI &~PP~. JACK: Well, I hope ~u l~ve ~l! the ~ndo~s and ~oors ±ocked... ~he~s been t~ylng to ~un ~ay from home eve~ slnce i bawled he~ out l~st week. ROCH: WELL BO~S...I TZNK YOU i~ AT I~ER A LITTLE TOO MUCH. JAC~'~J~ghe deserved It...if I told her once, I told her ~± hu~d~ed I blme~--_l ~ the mqorni~ paDewe_~ first! ~..Silly bird,..Now come on, let's finish this llst. ROCH: OKAY.. A~HOTTLE OF C001_CTNG S~Y. JACK: A bottle of--wait a minute, Rochester, .,~e j~st bought ~o~o ~lue last "~e~. ROCH: IT'S _~L GO~, B0~$. JACK: i've been mesmln~ to talk. to you about that...Yourve been ~sing too much ~_ the cooki~ lately. ROCH: ~?/f ? JACK.-~st night you m~de ~ el~ chewier "~Ith she~-. - -~ i@ you? VR RT;~O 1 0'183003
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-3- ROCH: UH Ko'K°. °kZ~.T ABOUT IT? JACK: Well, I bit into a clam and it bit me bacM~.Don't use it in everything f~om cow on. ROOH: YES SIR...WHILE I'M DOWN AT THE MARKET, 8HALL i GKT ANYTHING AT -~ BIrCHeRS? JACK: Well •., HOCK: I TH~IK THE ONLY MF~'I' WE HA~-E LEFT_ IS A C~ICK~. JACK: Let's not think, let's be sure..,I'll loom in the _~e~ige~ato~ &lid See~ (SODq~D: COUPLE OF ~D0~TEPS...STOP...TH/~ HEgEIGHEATOR DOOR OPENS) MF~: Bmr~rrrrm Hello. (SQUA~ AND WHI~TL~) JACK: Rochsster.,.LooM...Poily~s in the refrlge~ator...Come on out, POlI~.. ,come on. MEL: (SQUAWEB, WHIMPF~5 kND CRIES) JACK: Polly...stop crying... MEL: ( CONTINUE5 C~Y INC- ) JACK:g~2~Dont~ol yourself, PoTTy...It,s ~nly a chicMen, you didnTt know / her~. .......... How~d Polly ever get in the refrigerator, ROCH: I DON'T ~0W, £0S5., .S~LE MUST HAVE ~7~pHD IN ~i~ I ~IT. JACK: I think she.s get~tln~2a cold...fLx he~ an alka ~eltze~, Hocheste~. W~ ~FHO~ 0"18300&
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-4- ROCH: NEL : JACK: RO(Z: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ~TACK:~ JACK: HOCH: JACK: EOCH: JACK: DON'T WORRy SO MUCH, BOSS...POLLY WILL BE ALL RICH~. (I~IMPkRS) ~. I dcn~t know, ... she~s getting kind ~f olden~ for a parrot. N0W OLD IS SHE? Well. when I bought her, the pet shop ga~e me her oedlgree... the papers said The was boru -~n &Ig!e~s in 1894. EIGk~I N INET~f -F01~ ? Yes, that makes her fifty-ei~ht yea~s old. ( S0~OAW~ ) I'm thi1~ty-ulne.., thirty-nlue No no, Polly...it says r~ht on your pedigree papers...You' l-e fifty- eight. Thirty-nine, ~hirty-ulue, (SQUAW~ AND WHINTLE~) Pol!y~ ~ou~&e all mixed up..,i'm thirty-ulne. Fifty-eight, flfty-elght. (WHINe) ~.. °Rochester, put h~ b~ck on her pe~ch. k~E~j SIR. (SOUND: DOOR ~DZZE~) i'ii &ns~er the door. You finish the ilst. FOOTSTEPS...~4FA~ WE HFAB A LI~T THUMPING SOUND WITH SOME LIGHT TINKLy NOISE.) 0uch...that's the ~econd time ~oday I hit my head against that ~ha~ chandelier...i bette~ take ~ome money out of my shoes... Ge~ i'm lucky mY .... (sore, o: P~OOR ~zz~) 01 ~13005;
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..... .~ ~-~,~. ~ ~7~=~ ~ . ~.~. ,. ~.'..~. . ~. ~ ...... • --~ JACK: -5- C~)UFLZ MOI~ FOOTB~EPZ..DOOR OPE~6) / E~q~IS: ~,/{sllo, Mr. Benny. JACK: Oh, Y~IIo, Dsnnls... come on in. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) I~NNIB: Mr. p~nny...can X r~f-ss the ~ehes~al tomo~ow. JACK: ~Sure. DEN~,~ S : JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENIES : ~CK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS : JACK: Z~NNIS: ~CK: DENq~IS : JACK: Csn I miss ~5~bu~dsy~s _~eheersal, too? Ssturdsy's -- wel] ..... i ~aess so. Csn I miss the show on Sunday? Miss the show? ~,fny? i'm going to kill myself. Oh, stop being silly. I~m [~ot being silly....I alresdy made out z~ will. lmok, Dennis -- I'm lesving my brein to Hollywood High 5ohool. DErmis -- I was gonna lesve it to Fmrvard hut they mxrned it down. Now cut that Out...you~e not goir~ to co,it suicide. If I donlt the gs~mble-~s ere gon~ tske me fop a ride. A ride? Ye~h...i lost fifty cents on the Wor!d Ser!ss end I didn,t pay off. Look Dennls...nobody is goi~ to kZil you for only fifty cents. A lot of people ssy ~hey'll do it for nothing. Dennis...De~uls..I~m tired of this silly tslk, Now ~top worrying snd let me he~ the song yc~e going to do on the show. ~fnat is it?
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-6- DE~XS: "Auf Wiedershen," that means goodbye forever, ~C_K: It doe~ not. ,Now sing st and dok~t drive me crazy. ( APFLA-~Sa ) (~IS,g gos3} (APPLAUSE) ~T2<OI 0; 83007
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[ SEC0~ ROUTINE) JACK: Thmt/~as very good, Dennis, JACK: JACK: DON: BOB: JACK: very good. New when you sing ~ nu~e~ on the show~ i W~t you to --~'~ -¸-- ~._ . (SOUND: LOUD DOOR ~UZ~R) (FRIG}~E~ED) Don't ~nswer it, donlt snswer it, they,re coming sfter me! Oh be qu~e~.. ,.Nobody s coming ~f~er Fau. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) CO~ IN. ~oOU~. DOOR OPENE) Hello, J~ck, Hi, J~ck. 0h...hello, Don...Bob...I didn't expec~ you. Come on ~n. ~OU~]3. DOCR CLOSES) hum~-!a =~e-r~g?-- DON: ~i@ Bob ~nd ! ~re going o~t to P~ag golf s~d we thought you'd !i~e to join us. JACK: C~e~ I'd love to, but i e~n~t leave tho house. ~m expectin~ 8, call about ~% veP.7 Imoortanb picture deal. ~/'~0"~ 0183008
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BOB : JAb~ : DON: JAOK: BOB :'4 ~CK: DENNIS : JACK : Who from? D~r~l Zanuck. Darryl Zanuck...the bead of Twentieth Century Fox? Tjqu huh. Digu~It you make a picture at that studio? Thst's right, Bob...I made s picture for Zaduck in 19%1. Gosh, thst's only eleven yeses...he got over it fast. De~r~is, quletli %4het--~i~ou~come_over ho~e.-9op~-a~Tway? D~S: -~e~l@ 7ou-that -X wss~ttna eo~nl£- ~li,~idev JACK4__ ~el2-r-tl~e~aee--ecm~ b~-krlw~s-d/~h@ k~tchen .... DON: Jack~ ~hat'~ this de~l with Zanuck you wore talking abo~t? JACK: ~e~l, they're making ~o many pictures based on the lives of ~ntertain~rs that I thought my biogra/ay ~ouid make a good movie...so I wrote it up and ~ent it to M~. Zanuck. BC~: You know, Jsck, ~hat should m~ke a wo~er~_~l story... Yo~rve led such ~n i11ter~stin4~ ~ife...vaudeville, ~.ovies, radio, stage, tel~vlslon. DON: Bob'~ right, J~ck...do you ~tend ~o play the leading role yourself? ~ ~j JACK: No, thet would be too harar~./~,;e're going to get au ~cto~ who'~ a lot like r~e i_n personality, age, habit~, and ph~lque. BOB:k~o sre you getting? JACK: Errol Flynn..._~nd fellows; it's re~i!y gonna be e..a... BOB: Gee, I hate to admit it, but I gdess I need one. JACK : ~'Need ghat? BOB: A hearing aid, i thought sure you 8~id g~rol Flynn. MG 81-Z01 07B3009
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-9- .fACI~. ~-f" - dix h. BOB: -~%h.~-~b .... %~ell, oome oo, Doo~ 29~'s go plat golf. DON: Okay. JACK: ,Say, Bob~lay ~ !off off golf, don~t you? BOB: yeah ... and last week I got the [4reatesfi ~hril! in the world ... I made a i:ole in o~]e. JACI~: No kidding. BOB: Yop....?~,-wes-on the third hole at Bellalre ... and gosh, I couldnTt wait to ~et back to the club house and buy drl.nks for evel~ybod~ -/&ere. JACK: Oh 7es'~-~s the tl~adition. When you make ~ hole Zn one ~-ou Ire supposed be but d~inks for eve)~ybody. BOB: Have you ever made ~ hols in one? SACK: y bout two 7ears ~go at Hillcrest. BOB: ~y, ~aha~'s wonderful ... did anybody see you do it? J~K: Rochester, but i gave him a dollar and ~ kept his mouth shut .,. Ib was worth it. BOB: Yo~ k~ow~ Jack, I~N s~re g±aa-'± c-me on 3'our show. JACK: You al~e, gob, ,~hy? BOB: Well, i won't Inake muc~h mooey~ out b~l,, wh~t an education! JACK: %fnat ? B "(K~:~--Ami-whetr~I--~ ag- '-t~t/~_r~_ Lmeer~ e re t t" BOB: Xeah~-r:Come on, Don, let's go. DON: okay.. ,So long, Jack. JACK: GoodbTe, fellows. (soo~m: Door 9~SES) JACK: l wonder ~fn&t b~ meant by -- MG 018:90|0
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-IO-II- RC~H: OH BOSS~ BOSS. JACK: Yes, Rochester. ROCH: MR. RORALD COI~L~ dUST SAILED AND TKE~/rFJ~ HAVING A BIG DiI~R pARTY TONIGHT. JACK: Oh~ did ~bey invite m~? ROCH: NO, HE, ~S~D D~S TO .~ErJ~ ~HEIR GARBAGE DISPOSAL. JACK: Oh my goodness~ do ~e still have the!~ garbage disposal? ROCH: Ug ~h7[6. JACK: You k~ow it was kitlda tough bor_~owing that, wasn't it? ROCH: YEAE, i ~L~D TO GO TO PLU~ING SCHOOL FOR ~!0 MONT~5. JACK: Oh yes....Well, let's try ~r~-~-- JACK: Say, ma~Jb¢ that's t2~e call I m w~tiBg for. (SO~q~D: : ~ " , _£~CEIV~JR UP) JACK: He!lo~ Jack Beamy ~peaklng. ZANUCK: Ke].lo, Jack, this iS D~r~J! Zanuok. JACK: C~e, l,ve been wa~ting ~'or you I, M~ Zanuck, a~d-~.~m. ZANUCK: Look Jack, ~ 'm a busy r~n. you ~ent :~our script over last week, bothered m~" secretary with dozens of phone calls~ I promised read it and l did. JACK: You did, Mr. Zanuck, ~ou did? What did ~ou think of ~t? MG P~T,~01 Erl~,30"l 'I
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-i2 - ZANUCK: Well, Jack, that is without a dc~ot the most awful thing I've ~e~ ~*ead ~ Ell my thi~ty-nlns 7ears. JAg~[~ Mr. Zanuck, are you thirty-nlne? ZAI~JCK: ~'hen vour~e the head of a big studio, ~nors going to argue with you? JACK: Oh...well, ~. Zanuck, g~t~ir~ back to my biography...I ~hink it would be a tremer~o~s success at the box office. Z~NUCK: I'm afraid you're wron~ Jack.. ,A blographical plcsure is mnoh bette? after the person has passed on. JACK: But~m iD the pl~ime of life...1111 be bmrs a long time. ZANUCK: We can wait. JAOK: Bnt i can't wait...i want to make the picture nov. ZANUCK: Jack, let ls face it...~ vowed never to have any more busiD~ss desllngs with you since you made The Horn Blows at Midnight. JACK:/~ ~4hat s that got to do with yo~...i made that fo~ Warner Br off net s. ZA~w]CK: That picture hurt evem.v studio. JACK: h5%a t ? ZANUCK: I can't wait tilI- i television. JACK: But Mr. Zanuck, i don't want to ~ppes~ in the plcture...I ~ust th~Ik my biogrs/ny weald make a ~-~eat r,~sloal .... JACK: ~-look st the novel oDep~_, . wD~n I'm being born in Wsukegan...%~nat othe_~ plctu~ ever had a ~m/sical ~cene in a maternity hospital. ZANUGK: Z th~ it's corr.. JACK: ~Cnat ? RT~{01 0183012
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7ANUOK: JACK: ZA~UCK: JACK: ZA~TJCK: JACK: JACK: JACK: R06Z: JACK: R00H: JAOK: ROCk: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: -13 - Imagine kevi~4 the doctor sing Feet Up, ?st Him On The ?ODO. " But Mr. Zanuck, what ebout when i play my violin end -- Look Jack, I don~t want any more people f~om your pro~am working'~t on!~ studio....We've got Dennls Day over he~s end "me d~ives me :Gate. Well, if i worked over there too, Z could k~eo ~n eye On Dennis and-- - Jack, I canlt discuss this any longel,. I'm sendi~l~ your scrlp~ back end tketrs final... But, Mr, Zsn'dck-- (BOUND: ~I~ER D~IN) ~m..he thir~ks hela s big shot because hs ~uns s szudio... He ~-~A~Id be wrong too....I think my life story would n~ke s g~sst plct~/re. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) EsDeci~lly the scene where ~-~ DID YOU CAIL ~, BOSS? No, no, Rochester, I was talking to myself. ~T'g ~_~E MATTER, i~ YOU UPgET ABOUT Z0~THI~? Yes... i sent n~j ~utobiogrsphy to Ds-~ryl Z~nuck ~md he turned it down...I can't understsnd it...-~Yay, the s~ory of my 31re woUld be v~ry ~nte~es~i~4. I T_~_NK SO, TOO. AS S maztsr of fact, -~ think it would be one of tke r~ost exciting pictures that ever hit the screen. YOU'~ P~G~IT. And ! was gonus get Errol Flynn to Rlsy Jack Benny. BOSS~ COME NOW.
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-i4 - JACK: Well, I was .... An~aT, Rochester, !tin ~onna lie dc~;n here on the cou~z for awhile and i don~t want to he disturbed, Ilm gonn8 take ~ afte~neon n~p. ROCH: ~0UID YC~J LI~ SOMETH~ TO EAT FIRST? (SOUND: BODy ://ING ON COUOR) JACK: ~ove~ ms up with that blanket ths~e, will you, Rochester? EOCH: YES~ SIR. ( ~OU:~D ~ COVERI-NG ) JACK: Th~nks. EOCH: YOUIRE k~LCO~,.,IqL GO OUT AND S~UT ..~ DOOR. jACK: Okay.., (S~J~: DOOR ~LOSSB) JACK: (~AW~--~--I~i~t- t~he setups- e v~ -s/~e~-~n ,--I co%ildr~tt .ke~p_up~f_h~-schedul~,~r~a@lo,~ ~e~sv!slon, sribei~g_tum~.~dudnwn_//l ~.?/iea~A%.~ I~agl~.s Zanuck ssyi~4~ that sto~v~ no good,,, if I "~sre the head of studio I~d make that into s plc~l~e azd show him how w~ong he is,.. (YANNS) X b~d my change to buy R,K.O. s couple of weeks 8~0... (SOUND: TD~ING OF BODY AND SFRINGS) ~ACE: (Y/W~) [ can,t ur~erstar~ why Eowa~4 Hughes turned down my offel, ... After all, z~u~N~s~ever~hi~-e~ h~has to have his iaundz,[ done son~whe~.,, (YA~S) ~ wish I hed t offered h~/~ he ~6~e?,.,iyAWh~5) I'd like to be the h~ad Of a big studio ,.. (SNORES) (DREAM ~glg IN ,,0 RISING IN VOLUME) ~l;qOl O)8301~
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-15- -JACK: ...Jack Benny, Executive Producer...(SNORES)...Make my own o!ogrsphy...(SNORDb)...~" own ~tudio.., ZNC_~S)....~J own studio... (~Vei~ SN0~nES) (f4JSIC CRESOEND0, TPEN ~JT) FIS °,,~ C-00D EVENIN~ LAD~ ~, GE~[fLEMEN, THIS iS GEORGE FI~R , /y" OF'HOLL~¢OOD...~4E SNOWS OF KI~MANJAR0 NHIOT~ rS BRKAKIhD ALL r~CORDS AT 2T~ RIVOLI ~EATRZ IN 2~'[ YORK iB SCP/~DIV~0 TO OPEN IN THE LOS A2~GEIEZ AREA gNXT THURSDAy , .. HERE'S A Fl3.gK JJST ~3$DND TO ~ ... HOWARD HUGFAS BOLD RKO STUDIOS TODAY TO JACK FJEINY. ,.._~HE NJROF~ PRICE WAS EIGHT MILLION T~ DOLLARS...N. BEI~f PAID IN CASK...NON HE WON~T BUMP N~ ON 'I~IAT CP~H~I~'&IER ANYMO~E ... ONE OF ~. BEN~-'S FIRST OFFICIAl ACTS WAS TO APPOINr ROBERT CROSBY AS Y_-S ASSISTA?~ • .. (FADI}D) THEy Y~.~ STARTED PRODUCTION ON A }~# ~SICAL BASED OK ~ L~-~-~ OF JACK BENNY, BOB: Oh J,B., J.B.? JA~<: Yes, R.C.? JACK: i ~qow, ~ead me nry schedule~ R.C. BOB:~.~" At ten s ~tory conference with N.K... °Ten thirty meeti~u~ with L.B.. ,Eleveu you look a~ the x,ushes w_t~ L H..C Eleven thirty y~u go to tb~ cuttlr4 room with T.M. And at twelve you have l~mch with Jsck Warusr. JACK: Who? BOB: J.W. M3 RTXOI 0'183015
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JACK: BOB: JACK: JACK: JACK: -16- Oh yes...Now, Y ~ant you to send the following note to all producers .,. Starting today mske sure the green in all yc~zr technicolor movies is nmde out of Chlorophyll ...... We'll h~w no stinking pic~ures ~round b~re .... Now, who's hsndling the p~oduction on the plaN]re based on my., l~fe? D.W. Oh yes...Iql s~nd fo~' him. (SO%rND: CLICK '%~ INTERCOM) Miss Jbnes...send Don Wilson in Lmmcdistely. ,., (BOUND: CLICK 0~F...PAUSE...THEN DOOR OPENS 0FR) J'. • Good ~o'~ee you, D.W. Close the door ~nd come over here to my desk. (SOUND: JACK: Bit down. DON:(BREA~dLESS) (OFF) DOOR CLOSES...THEN W~ }~D~R WALKI~D AND WALKING AND WALKING AND WAI/IING A±~D s~,op) Whew, it's s good thing you out your desk in the middle of' the office,r JACK: Well, it ~ pretty b~g, but :~owar~ ~bms ii~ed it thst ws~. JAC~'~--~-~et out of h~,--Itne-my~of_fTge ~o~vYYl~5--o~, best DON: you wsnted to see me, J.B.? O'1830"16
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JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK; DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: -17- Yes, D.W. ~here itsve you been? llve been talking ~o L.S. L.S.? -~.~. M. F. T. L,S.M.F°T.? Luc~J Strike ~sns Fine Tobsooo. ! know. ~nst ~4ere you talkin~ about, D.W.? N.L.E. Nhols that? NO loose ends. 0h...~/nat about T. sDd ,5.? T. and C.? Te~ end confrere. L. N. F.A.N.H.S.T.B.H.A.D. L. N.F.A.N.H.S.T,B.H.A.D. Let's not forget about no hot spots that burn l%a~,sh and dry. ~ orcduce the biggest epic ever made...the story of my life. DON: I ~ow end thsnk you. JACK: I want this pict~e ~o be perfect...and - hope youfre very careful in the 68sZing. DON: Oh, I sm...in fsct, I've algeady selected the actress who -will play the part o~ your mother. I~d ilke to see ~m~...where is s'~? Right behind me. Well, move oveP so i esn see her. / ,Y@S sir...Miss Vonn, ~his is Mr. Benny. JACK: DOE: JACK: DON: MG
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JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: DON : JACK: DON : JACK: DON: JACK: DON: You said it. Oh, J. B.? Yes, 3. C. w was just talking to C. T. ~. C, T. S.~ whets that? C~mDbelZ's Tomato soup. Oh. HOW does he feel? Mmm~m~ goad. Fine, fine..,Now look, O. W., you know i've selecbed you to produce the biggest epic ~ver m~de...thc story of ~ life, i know and thank you. I w~nt this picture ~o be perfect,..and I hope 2ou'rg very careful in the casting, Oh, I sm...in fact, I've al~eady s~l~cted the actz~ss who will play the part of y~r mother. I'd like ~o see her,,..where is sh~? Right behind me. ~ell, move over so icaeca see her. v~s sir,.,2~ss 7onn/~h~hls is Mr Benny Ft T;~O 1 O'18301 [9
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VEOXA: Hello, M~. Benny...!fm so terribly L~appy to know you. JACK: You..~-ouTr~ going to play the pert of my mother? ?EOLA: I sure ~m. JACK: And to think, I ten swaT from home....You111 do. DON: And cbief~ you111 never g,/ess who I~m cestir~ zo play the pe-~t of you~ father. JACK: Neve~ mind, I'll play that pert m~self...Te~l-l~eT--Miss-~-orn%, "~r~e~-Bro~ ,hers~ ~ JAO~: ..... Wa~ne~-B~t ~r s ~- - e~? --Were-yo~ ge o~?--- VEOLAd~- -~dh~t- dc~ yo~ -~bink- 9et- t "n~-- pl8 c e~-on-~fir~9 ~A ~42, low~oub sprons.~-.Now, I'd like to name some no~es fo~ you sbout this pietume... ~ this pencil needs shut,enid@ .. ~%ere~s n[7 office boy? ZANUCK: Here I s~, I~. Benny. JACK: Good boy, Ds~qrl.. ,.I'i! ~each you ~he movie business yet; JACK: Did ~ou mead the script on my life sto~y? ZAI~JCK: Yes sir. .TACK: Did you like it? Z~!~JCK: "feb ~i~ esp?cisily the scene whePe y~l leave N.B.C. end sing '~When Yen Bs~ I Beg your Psrdon, Then l'!l C~me Beck ~1N01 0183019
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-19-20-2].- JAOUK: Yeah, that's a great scene...Now Darmyl, my boy, I'm going to giv~ you a break ~nd let you see how a plo~h/~e is ~ct~ally r0sde...Come o_~, ]etls ~alk ove~ to ~tage ~_~zvee where %heytre shooting my blogrephy. Z~n~UCK: Oh t!~nk you, sim, JACK: And DsrrTl, this plctume of mine is gonna be as ezciti~ig es ~l~*entieth Cent~.y Fox's "Snows Of ~[illamsnja~o. " ZANUCK: OH BOSS, COME NOW. - r .... J~CK: Wellj I ~hink it will...gome on, leg's go. (SOUND: ABOUT FOUR FOOT~PS...BALL BEI!~ HIT BY STICK AND ROLLING) ,TACK: Damr~l, ~-,.7o~ t~e only- my - 6Tf ic~- boy r- pu~- aw~y- that _ Do ] 9 mallet. %..}Tare ~s Stage Three...Now donIt make any noise when youfre i~ thane, Dsrr~l~ ..the director is ver~ temDe~aments]. Z~UC[: Who~s di~eotlr~ the piouure~ si~? JACK: That famous ~ropean dlreoto_~ Dennis Von $~u~eercase... Come on, let's go in. (SOU~: DOOR OPRNS & CLOSES) JACK: Look, that,s Von SDr.eercase ove~ the_~e wavln~ his ~mnds. / I~NIS: (YELLS) (GERMAN) CA[YET ON DER SET.~2. ~CH DER L~,4 .&~N I SAY QVI~T, IT-IS ME TALKING, I VANT QVIET...I VA~ IT SO C/~T YOU CAN }{~AR A PIN DROP. (PA~ .~/Y]I~ZSIST_<~_~?]-DRDp PLEASE A PIN. ~hmIS - .~ ~-~ S~go~-~-d7,--~9-i~-i~%~ , M) R [ ,,':0 '~ 0183020
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JACK-: ...... H~-~s-a-gre~Gdl-~eotolz, but he[s s _little -hard of_ Z~EJeK : Ye~ ~Irr- <SOUND: COUPLE OF ~O01STEPS) JACK: Oh, Mr~ Von Schm~e~rc~se. DENNIS: Ve~s is loh~e...~l~ays interr~Dtions, interruptions... JACK: it~s on!~I ~. I want to k~ow how you're getting alo~g with the picture. DEN~S: , Fine, flng...who~s this, fellow here ~li;h t~ pencil? A wrlt~r? M~ f::l 2<0'1 0"183021
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JACK: ZANUCK: DE _hP~ IS : JACK: --23 - No no...he~s my office boy. Yes, my name is Darz~rl Zanuck...!~m trying to lesmn the movie business. (EXPLOSIVELY) m~_! Please, Mr. Von Shmeercase, the boy is only tryir~ to le~n the business. Yes...Tell me, M~. Von Shmeercase...what ~as the name of the 18st picture you made in Cez~any? '~as Trumpeter From Das Kinder Und Der Sauerbratten V~s H~st Liebt Gang Gutt Das -£undt Un Der Lelben Braun~ohveig Uber JACK~ Tbat...that'~ the picture title'? DEhPlIS : yah. JACK: What does it mean in ~2~g!iah? DF~NIZ: Lassie Come Home...N~-~e-e~e~ho~Y-ke~-4~e~-~--~o4~ ~_Miss "~onn come here. ]FEOLA: (0OMPHY) Here I ~m, l{einrlch. DENNIS: G~tt...~}~oW, in the next scene we are shooting...7ou are Ch~ck Benny,s mothe~...you~ husband come~ home...he rings the bell.., yol] open the door...and he kisses Zou llke so. (o~zs ~gg~g ~m) DENNI3: You take his hat, he kisse~ you again ]ike eo...(KIB~S F~R AGAIN)...You give him his new~paper, and vunce more he kisses you..(KIBBE$ ~R) You ge~ him his slippers .undo!again he kisses you. (KISSES ~RI Then, foz" no ~ason at all, he kisses you (K~SSE8 ~)...Then you say ~ha~k you and he kisses you~ DENNIS : JC ~l~O'l 0'|83022
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JACK: Wait a minute.+.~.:~I ~ion, ,+ remember any mcene like that in the ~cript. DENNIS: Qviet~ !Zm ad !Ibblng....Now ve vill commence shooting the soene...QVIET ON T}~ gET...ROLL ~EM. (SOUND: COUPLE OF SECONDS OF glLENCE...Th~N Ct~ASH OF LAMP F~a2~LING OVER) ~ENNIS: HOLD IT.. J~O ~OCZ}~ {TCER TH-~T TAMP? ~NUCK: i did, sir. DE~IS: Ha, no vunder you,re only an office boy. Now listen to me, Zanuck~ff-- this set ~ud s~ay off, do you he~?*~i~s is Ven 5chmeercase talking and you're taking orders from me. Z+~NUCK: Yes sir...you oan bawl me out now...but remember, when Benny'~ dream is over, you;!! take orders from me, JACK: Dream? ZA~UCK: Certainly you're dreaming. JACK: i~m not d~eaming...! own thi~ studio...i own it i ~ell you... (MUSIC ]}~..KE~S RISING) JACK: THIS IS ~c~ gTD~DI0 A~ I;M THE Bosg~+ .I P+~ID EIGh~ MILLION (MUS_TC C~SCENDO) ROCH: BOSg. JACK: MINE. ROCH: BOSS...WAE~ UP... JAC+K: Huh? ROCH: C0t~ ON...WAKE ~...YOU'RE D~ING. gACK: Oh ~osh...then it was a dream after all...what a shame+ MU [9[>(0'1 01~3023
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-25- ROCK: "~AT DO YOU ~AN? JACK: l didn't g~t s chance to kiss mother goodbye...0b well. Rochest~ -Till ~ve ,7~ dln~e~ now. (APPI~U~E AID T~AyOFF) FD fffl-~<O'l 018302~
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-26- DON: Ladies and gentlemen~ here's am election announcement of special i~_o~tance! All over everTbody is saying "See you at the Polls.~" -- and you will be se~in~ your fl-iends and neighbors at the polls on November Fourth. For eve~oody wants to "r~,~ve his sgy in this importar_t election...t~t~s the Ar~erican way' So learn all you can about tl-,e issues and the candidates -- listen to all the arguments - talk think - and then vote as you p]ease ~ but VOTE.' See you a~ the polls.T ( APF~AUSS ) DO~: Jack will be back in jus~ a moment, hut first ....
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THE JACK BEr@~/ PROGRAM SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19~ 1952 CLOSING COMMERCIAL DON: COLLINS : CHORUS CHEE~: DON : (TRANSCRIBS~OCTOB~q 16~ 1952) Jack ~ill be back in just a moment, but first .... Luckies taste bettor! Luck@- Shrike mesas ~1~e tobacco Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Cleat&ere fr~sher~ 8zootber! Luckyj Lucky, Lucky! Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Luc~ StriKe means fine tobacco ... Cleaner~ fresher~ smooth, r! Better get a, carton! ~ett~ g~t a, ca~ton! Bette~ get a eartonj today! You may not oh~er right out loud like that when you flrs~ t],y Lt]ckles. %~ou may only w~sper, "A-H-~-H .,. Luckies do taste better!" And !Jd like to tell you why. LuckiGs' better taste begins with fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco. LG~-T' -- Lucky Strike me%as fine tobacco. Then; too, L-cckias are made better round, firm~ fully packed ... to taste cleaner, z~#eshe~, smoother. No wonder so many college students are cheering about Lucklesj b~tter taste. You see a recent natlon--~ide survey h~ed on actual student interviews in 80 ~adlng colleges reveals that more smokers in i~bese colleges prefe~ Luckies t~n any other cigarette ... and by a wide ~argin! (More) mm ~ J")<O I 0183026
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THE JACK ~ £_R03PJU4 SD-~Z~_Y, 0CT0]~.ER i9, !952 {TgJ~NSCRIBED 0CTC£,ER 16, !952) CLOSING CO~,. ~RC,~L_ :CO'_'~T. [ _~'TON : (Cont.) SPORTS~N qUARTET: In addition, Lucklss gained fal1 more smokers th~ the nation,~ two obhe~ or~nci~l brands combined! AM the a~o~r o~e re.son the 8tu~de~ts gave for ~mok!n~ Luckles was --~ better ~aste. So enjoy LuckieB' ~oett~D t~ste ~o~se!f__ ... get a o]~er~ ~esnsr~ " smoother smok~, Yes, be t~ppy -- go Lucky ,,, make ~xt carton ~.. Lucky St~!~! Be HapD~ -- Go Luck~ ~--be~teT~t ~e--t e~y I (LONG qLO~) TC R T ;!',,'O ! 0183022
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-27- JACK: Ladles sod ~entlsr,~en, i wsnz to thank z~. l~rll~i F. ZSnUCk ~nd-M~.--~z~ge~P&sh~q~ for appearin~ on my program ~o~Ig~t... An~ ne~ week we will -- (SOUND: PHO}m RZ}SS) ~ACK: F~cuse ~. (SOU~: ~ECEI-VEE UP) JACK: Hallo. BOB: Hello J~ck, this is Bob Crosby, JACK: Oh hello, Bob, how did you enjoy you~ game of golf° _/~_ f BOB: W-ell~ I~m still out at the club but a ve~V ~nf~tm~te thing happened to me,..can you lend me ~ do].ler? JACK: you mean -- ? BOB: Ye~, on t~e ~eventh hole and Don Wil~on won't keep hls mouth shut. JACK: 14ell, tell tim I'll give him the doll~, later .... Goodni~ht, folks. (NUSIC A~D APPLAUSE) 'Ihe J~ Benny Sbx~w i~ wri£te~ h7 ~%sm Pe~iu, [~LI~ Josefsberg, George ~alzer, John Tackaberry, and p~oduced end transc_~±bed by Hillisrd Z~mks. [he Jack Ben~v Program is brought to you by Lucky strike - product of the American Tobacco Company, America's ]eadlm~ ma~Dfamt~re~ of cigarettes. MG RT ;'401 0183028
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~B~eP~ #7 ~_5ED SCP~ PT SUNDAY, .~ERIC#~I TOBACCO COMPA~D! LUCKY STRI~Ug ~TE JACK BENNY PROGEAM ~OBER 26~ 1952 CBS (T~SCB~T~ OCt, 2% 1952) 4:00 - 4:30 ~ST WR f~) f;HO 1 0 1B3(.)2 ~
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THE JACK BE~UTL PROGEAM $UNDA~, 0CTOBHE 26, 1952 (TEAN~CRIB~ 0CTOB~ 23~ 1952) 0P~ING COM~CT-AD .DON: COLLINZ: CHORUS CHE~: DON: GM }~{E JACK B~[f PEOCRAM .,. T-RANZCRIB~D .~/~D PRESenTeD BY LUC~_< STRIKE: Luc~le~ taste better: Lucky ~t~l~e m~us f~e tob~eeo .. • L~ck~ Btrl~e me&~ f~-ue t~ob&eco •,, Cle~e~, f.~esher~ Smoother; Lucky~ Lucky~ Lucky: Lucky St-~i~e me~us flue tobacco ... ¸Lucky Btrlke meaus flue tob2,cco . .. Cle~e~ f~e~ler, ~oo~ile~~, Better ~et & c~rtou~. Bette~ ~et & e~bou~. tte~ get ~ carton, today~. .~ello~ ~le~ds ~.. this is DO~ }~ll~on. you ~uo~ that college c~eer ~ep~e~eut~ a lot of smok!n~ cheer because ~ ~e~ticu-~Ide ~ur~ey, b~sed o~ ~etu~l ~tud~t lnte~vie~ lu 80 le~ding coll~g~s~ ~eve~l~ Um~t mo~e Smoke~ !~ these colleges p~efe~ Luc~les '-" othe~ clg~rette° But t~_~a_t's ~ot ~l~=. The ~u~ey ~!~o ~hoi~ Luckles galued f~r mo~e smoke~s ~hau the uat~ou's t,~o othe~ prluc!pal b~ands combined, Mo~e lmpo~t~ut ~tllls the ~e&~oz most o~e~ glveu by the 4 students fo-~ ~mo~g l~nc~les ~s ~ o° Luckles~ bette~ ( I:OR S ) ~r gffo 1 01B3030
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%~L~ JACK B~u/ PRGGRA.~ SD~DAY, 0OTOB}~R 26, 1952 (TRANSCRIBED 0CTOB31~ ~-3, 1952) DON: _ves~ Luckies do taste bette~t because LS/'~TT -- Lus~f Strtk~ means fine bobacco ... fine, mlld~ ~,ood-tastin~[_ tobacco, And Luc~les are made bette~ ... made roand~ and fi~, and fully p~c~ed, to ~a~te cleaner, freshe~, smoother: So m~ke your next carton Luc~ Stl"Xke and youC'l agree . .. Luckiesz better taste is something to cheer aboutt ~{OEUS: Lucky St~i~e means fine tobacco . .. Lucky Strike ~eans fi~e tobacco ... Clea~er, freshez', slnoother~, Better get a carton: Better get a carton~. Bette~ get a carton, today~ 0~: (TH~ME UP ~UND DOWN) DON: The Lucky ~t~ike P-~og~am, mtareing ... R '1,~(0 ; (.] 1 8 ,:~ 3 3 I
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-!- (FIRST NOU~ ) (.~m-l~ COMMERCIAL,, MUSIC UP :~/VD DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRLKE PRCGP~4, STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH ~Y L,L--vTC~STCNE, ROCHEST~R~ DENNIS DAY. BOB OROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE ... L~USIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES ~ GE~[IV~[E~ . .. LOS P_~3~-~S IS SO PE0t~ OF ITS CIVIC ~q~AUTY -~-~T T}~ LOCAL CH~14BF~ OF COI~FZ~CE SUPPLIES VISITING T05~ISTS WITH FHEE SIGHT-SEIING BUSSES..SO LET US T~ A TOUR 0n ONE OF THESE BUSSES _AND SEE %%L%T IT'S LIEE. (SOUND: ENS NOISES AND TPAFFIC NOISES O~ FOE COUPLE OF SECONDS .~ ~ ~V/EN DOWN AND SUSTAIN l'N B.G. ) NELSON: welllllllllllll, here we are in Beverly Hill~ ... On the left, ladies and gentlemen is the residence of tb~t vory fine drmmatlc actom, Lionel B~rrymore ... and to the right is the home of non~ other tb2~% Gary Cooper. Gee, Gary Cooper...I{~go SARA: fo~ him. MEL: (SLIGHT H00LEY~lembe~, Poopsy...we're on o~ honeymoon. SAP~: yeah...we been m~r~ied two days already. OWl{N: Nearl~ three daTs. S.~: ~11-~.et Monna or we~ll send you home. ~]{LSON: 1-~S, lADIES AND OZNTLF24EN..'WE ARE }TOW iN 'IHE HEART OF B~/~Y }JILL8 WHICH ~_~IS MORE MOVIE STARS ~ ~HARE MII~ _~ ANY_ OTHER COMMUNITY. S~A%~: Oh, look ... look .~. there's T~Igge~. NELSON: TH~%T'S MY WIFE, SHE~S GOT ONE OF THOSE NEW ~KIR-DOS...~4E BB
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-2- Gosh~ ~aglne us seeing all these ferrous places. ye~h..this was a ~;onderful idea for our .~noymooj~ MEL: All right, Mrs. Pep.~ /~.~ SARA. Gosh, it's so exci~i~g.~..Imagin~c me ]-~±ng.~married to one o-~ the Pep bo/y~ the way, which one al.e you, ~9<~y, Moe. ~//-'~e r.man, _ I 'm. the-silent ~gne]p. PASSING THE HOME OF JC~q~Y RAY ... LOOK, 'IHAT'S JOHN}YZ SITTINQ ON ~BE PORCH LgU~H~NG. ° .THIS IS HIS DAY OFF. SA/K£: Get imagine....the home of Johra%7 Ray. M~: yeah..look at th~ l~t-tul white cloud over it. NELSON: A~D NOW ~0I~z, IF YOU WILL LOOK TO THE MIGHT, YOU %TILL S,~E BARk49A $T_~84yoKts HOUSE...NEXT TO IT IS ~ RESIDENCE OF MR. AND MRS. RONALD COLM~{..AND NEXT TO THAT IS _~9~ HOME 0F JACK ~ENNY. JACK: This is where I ge~ off~ d~iver ... stop the bus. NELSON: DID YOU STOW AWAY f~]AI~I? JACK: Never mind, stop the bus. (SOtryO: BUS STOPS) Nh~SON: Watch your step getting off° JACK: Tbmnk you. ~$ON: Forager the thanks, I donlt -want you to get hu~t add sue the co~_ ~y again. JACK: Oh quiet. (SOUND: MOTOR UP) BB
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NELSON: JACK: JACK: RCCH: JACK: ROCk: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JA~4: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: -3- ~aND NOW LAD~S A~ GENTT~N, ~qE L~VE BEV~y HI~-~LS 9]~D DRIVE OUT TO SANTA MONICA..-~S, ~IOi~ ~T~T~L SANTA MONICA., (SOUKD: BUS DRI~ OFF..FOOTSTEPS, .I~u~CH C0~_.I~TUE) BA~Te--Y~...If there's anything I b~,te itts a smart Whsn You Say I ~eg Your Pardon Th~h IVll Gome Back T, ~leck bus driver.. (~t~S ~-A~ ~ YOU ASK ME TO FORGIVE You eaa b yo~ h~ar ms callin when the rain am a fallin' - YOUj I~LL~q4N...gee, ~2~s I surprised when we~p~ssed B~rbara Stan~-yck~s house..she's still ~sir~ those e~me oRd (S0Oh~0: FOOTSTEPS STOP...DOOR OPE~IS .~D ~0SES) -gello, Roches ~er. I{ELL0, BOSS~ YOUIKE A LITT~ LATE. Yeah. THAT BUS ~JST :gA%~ O0}~ TO SANTA MONICA F!_~{ST TODAY. NO no, ~e c~me right to BevePly Hills...Ar~ l~il, Rachsstel~? NO, BUT_ MISS I~Z~ pARSONS C.a~i~k~D, LO i~LLA PARS01'/S ? YF~a/{...SHE ]£<NTS TO GET AN INTERVIi~ ABOUT YOUR C.~JEER IN WEIJ~ ! AND PICTURES. Good~ good. .s she coming over. for the ~te~de,~? I T01D v~ THIS hU~ENING WOULD BE 0HAy. BB
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JACK: ROCR. JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: This eventng? Rochester, Louella c~t come over hers tonight i invited ~ g~Ig fox di~nel~. T~L~-T~S GOOD, BOSS. Good? ~t do you me~, good? BE A BIG-SHOT...GA~-~I~-TELL HER Lr0U'~E GIVING T~]~ DINNER IN H~ HONOR. Say...Gee...you know ~ochester~ you really th~ik fast. I WOULDN'T L%_T ~0NS AROT~D NiXiE ~ i DIDN'T. Well, you go in th~ kitchen ~n~d get things started, ~nd I'll-- (SOUND: JAOK: COME IN. (S0~ND: JACK: ~e21o~ Ma~y. JACK: DOOR DLTZZER) DOOR OPF~[S ) Hello, ,Tack, did the gang get here yet? Not yet, hut guess what...Boue!la P~msons is coming over tonight to interview me. She is? Fi T }{O '~ O ~83035
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JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: I,N~Ry: JACK: ~L~Ry: JACK: MARy: JACK: JACK: -6- Yeah...(~RVOUS) Gea Mary, r want everything to be just right ,~hen Louella gets here...~,OCHESTF~, DON'T FORGET TO PUT FLOWERS ON THE TABLE. ~S, Sl~. AND GO D0~ TO THE CE, LI~KR &ND BRING UP S0~ WINE. <'[~' CHF&P ~ OR ~i~ ~PORTFD STUFF FROM C%CA~ONGA? The ~mported wJ~le, of O0~PSe...C~e, N~r~, ~uta,gine Louell~ Parsons coming to iP, tervie~ me...I hope everything goes <~long ~ ~ght oK, ~0~: UH PTJH. EON~T FORGET TO PUT_ FLOWERS ON THE TABLE. I'M PUTTIN' ~EM, I'M PUTTIN' EEM. Oh..,oh yes. ~. J~ck, wl~t are you so nervous about? ~ r~ot De~vous. Then stop runnir$ ~'our fingers throt~gh your hair..Put St on 9rid ~,~!£~x. All right, all ~'ight. Jack, the curl goes ~ f~ont. That's not a curl, ti'~t~s the loop l }rang it up with...~ ~- ~ ~_~ Afoot ~ll. there's nothing "~rong with being neat.~ looo is s_~pposed_ to be in back. Well tuck it in, you ook l~<e Fu Mane u. . _z-4 ...LoueI.la Parsons ;~ coming ove~ ~d I "want to make a good inores=ion. LY - 8z~_~.-~-~ ~.--~.~. ~ ~ • R] <C ! 0183C'36
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-7- MARy: Well Jack, if you re~i!y w~nt to ~mpress her..when she comes ~n~ comp!i~ent her. JACK: ComplZment he~2? MARy: yes..tell her how nice she looks ~nd that s.he~s much thlm-qer t~ you thought she w~s. Women l~<e to hear tb6t. JACK: ge_~oh. ~hat s ~ good !de~. MARY.: you know~ Jack, I c~n~t understand why you're so excited~ OidD.'t Lo~e].l~ intervie~ you ~ few ~eks ~go? JACK: gcs Mary, she wrote an article that appeared in ~ fan ~agazlne abo~t my twent~ ~'ears in radio. MARY: Was it ~ nice s~tiols? JACK: Well, to tell you the truth, M~Z, i never got a cb~ce to read i~. M_~Tf: We!l~ what ~me you going to do if I~)mel]a ~sks you abo~t it? JACK: Xll just h~ve to change the subject, that's all..An~;ay I want .~m- -..Oh~ I just thought of something..ROCI~ES:I~.. ROCH: DH I/UH. JACK: PUT ZOM~ FLOWERS ON THE TABLE. ROCH: BOSS, ~'~AT AP~ YOU GO}.~A D9_ WITH MISS PARSONS, FKED H~R OR BURY -£ER? JACK: DON'T BE 50 S~L~RT AND DO WHAT I [~LL YOU...NOW Mary, come on out in the kitchen ~nd help me ge% 5hinge me~dy. (so~m: Door B~ZZER) JACK: Whoops-- that must be Loue]l~ now. mu~: ~*ack, ±t's~!fo e~.rly £or he~. ,TACK: Oh yes ./i:OM~ IN. (SOUND: DOOR oPm~S) LW
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-8- DEh~NIS : JACK: DE_~IS : JACK: D~IS : JACK: JACK: 0h7 bgllo Dennis..come on !n. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) Eello, ~. Be~Lny. I{ello, Merry. Aeilo, De-~/%is. i~z2 Dennis, I'm glad you came a little ea~ly~ I wsmted ton ~hen do ~e e~t? Thatls ~h~t I ~#anted to ~ik to you about...Now look, Demlls, Z don't want you pulling any silly stuff tonight...'~'sIme having l ouell~ pan'sons for dinner. You promised ~s roast beef. Derails, .~e &re havln~ l,o6st beef..Louella parsons is the &nlest of honor. '~he ~ay pl~iaes are today, the ~oast beef should he the guest J~CK: you said it..NO~I look EeD_niSj~ whei l~uella g~ts here [ think J.t would be nice if 7ou slr~ a song. D~NNIS: Not me. JAOK:/~ennls, don't he silly. If ~-ou ~ir~_ fo~ he~, she might s~y something nice about you in her colu/~n. IZ~S: ~t's wh~% I'm afraid of. JACK: ~q~t ? D~NIS: "_" c~n just see the hea~lID_e now.."Dennis Thrills Louella." JACK: Look, kid-- DENNIS: if my girl reads that, she:ll sl~p my f~ce. JACK: Dennis..u~2o~tunately nobody i~ going to sl~p your face. Now you're gorma slr~ fore Loue!!a eaud let me hea~ the song now. LW 0183038
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-9- DENNIS: Okay, but if my girl thro~is me over smd ~nrries l<~-~ Fs,~ouk, It'll ~ze your fault. JACK: (PI;~ADING) [4a~-ff- - MA~y: Dennis ~ ~m~. JACK: Thanks. (DENNIS~S SONG --%NCAUSE KOU'FE NITSE") ~ BB P, T ;~'¢0 ~ 0'I~3039
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-IO- (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: Dennis, that was very good..and I ~ant you to sing it jast tl~ way when Miss Parsons gets here. It ~ill be---0h~'f-- just ~hcught of something...KOC}~STER. ROCH: (OFF) I~M PU_~_IN~ !EM, I'M POTTIN' '~M. JACK: I dldn~t mean that....Look~ Rochester..about dessert tonight. ROCH: DESSERT? JACK: Yes, I'd like to have Crepe Suzettes. ROCH: $0 MOULD I, BUT WE'RE FAVING CA_NhTED ~F~CHES. JACK: ~y c~n~t we l~ve crepe sazettes..don't you ~ow how to make them? ROCH: OH, I ~OW ~OW TO ~KKE T~M ALL RIGHT...BUT WE FLA~E NO BRA~TJY. JACK: ~,qai~ a minute..~hat ~ppen~d to those three bottles of brandy my sponsor gave t~ for Christmas? ROCH: ~HEN p~IL HAP~IS CAME 0"~ TO DAY ~JOODB~,, ~ DR~$~K A QUICK TOAST. JACK: HOW do you lyre that. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZFJ~) JACK: Whoops...That must be Loueila now. M~LRY: All right, Jaok,~'t get excited. JACK: Who ~s excited? ~SOI~ID : DOOR BD~Z~ ) JACK: Rochester~ answer the phone..I mean the deor~ ,~-~-~. M_~RY: Wait a minute, Jack..it'll make ~ bette~ impression on Louella if ~u ans~e,~ it..and be charming and gracious. JACK: i ~ilg..I:!l even bo~. (so~: DOOR Bt~ZZ~) JACK: i~M ~ ~O~?NG...COMING., (30UND: ~ FAST FOOTSTEPS..DOOR KNOB TUFd~S SL0~Y.. DOOR OPENS) LW
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I BOB : BOB: -ll- JACK: ~S~TLY) W~icome to my humble abode. BOB:/~at are you loafer, J~ck, did you d~op ~omethlng? JACK: Huh?...Oh. Bob~.Don...The Sportsmen..Come on in, £verybody. I&~RY, DF~fIS JACK, DON~ & BOB: ~ LIB }~LL08) Well, this is quite ~ coincidence, a,ll of you ~ays e~,riving ~t the s~me time. BOB gg/~Jac~, I got herelten minutes ago but r was ou~ in the back yard looking at you~ swimming pool. JACK: 4y swimming oool why? / ' Oh, that's nice, Be "size peel a:~e you go~ to put sn. Just the normal size...twenty by forty. I c~n't afford big one like J~ck's..or my b-~othe~~ Bing~s. JACK: )2 ~retty big, it's si~t7 by a hundred. How big is Bing's pool? BOB:~62/~l don't know, but next week Flo~ence Ch~dwlck is going to "bI~ to swim it. JACK: BOB : JACK: BOB: JACK: ~OBt JACK : BCB: B~ACK: Bob, ~ou mean that Bing~s pool is that big? Are you kidding? He c~n go from here to Elko by water. ~ee. But Jack, wb~t I wo~nt to ~%ow about is the upk-eep...Is it ve~ expensive to mair.~in ~ sw~mIllng pool? Not too ex~ensive..but there are oe~taln oostz th~.t most people forget. womry about it Bob. ~e)ve b~n ~oing that fo~ years+ Boy I really think. What were you ~yl~g? I've been thimk~g of having on~ ~ut in myself. On it's yours . go ahead+ RT~01 0"183 04- ~
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DON: BOB: JACK: BOB : ,TACK : BOB: JACK: BOB: MARy: BOB: JACK: DON: -3.2- That's ~hat I've he--you, Bob..A pool twenty by forty requires about forty thousand gallons of w~ter. Oh, I don't ~ve to worry &boat that~ I'm filling my pool ~ith Campbell's Soup. What? you t~ven~t lived till you've ,iac~ed ~to ~f~et of Chlcken GUmbo. Gee, if ~ guy goes down for the third time, he can ~t f~t... ~, your~ also have to buy ~ ~ilDerlr~ system~a he&tot, d~ha~, arid a barbed wire fence. / Wbzt do I need t~put up a fence for? /// if you donZt, people will sneak~--n • =~h~poo!• for nothing.. You've got to %Tatch them. ~ ~/ "-.<. But J~ck, I'm just puttlng %hlJs ~ool in for my family... Although come ~ ~" "~/~ ~" ~o ,mlr~Gi ~t, my w~Ze has a l~tzle money and c,~-~ affo~'a it, .s~the kids all ~et aiio~affce$ so they won't mind pa~m~ittle each ti~e they go swl~mlng~. -~ (SHOC~/ Bob...Bob...you'd c~:arge~ your o~,,n family." ~'-\\ How/d~you llke that..l've only ~ork~d for Jack t~o [~m~-,-..Look fellows..Before I fob, get.. ,I ~nt you all to behave yourself tonight because Lousll9, Parsons is coming here ~o dlr~ler, $he~s going to Intervlew me. I tho[~ght she gave yoa an intervie~ ~ oou~3,e of weeks ago. BB
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-13- JACK: She did...And t~tts what i want to talk to you about..she did a big Intervie~ on me fo~ a fa~u magazine and ! didn't get a chance ~o read It...So if she mentions it, please change Lhe subject. DON: Okay. JACK: In fact, a ~ood iea would be not to ~lk about me at all.. J get someYother subject...Let's talk about politics• .. Everybody's talking ~,bout politics now. DENNIS: Politics? ~~ JACK: .e ..~or instance Adl~.i 8tevenson4~ust es~ 5alk about that. BOB: By the ~a~, how old is General Eisenhower? JACK: $1xty- two. BOB: Sixty-two; eh? M~RZ: And $enator Nixon is Thirty-1~_ine. DON: That's ~,ight. DE~[NIS: Gee, Mr. Be~nny, w.hat a coincidence. JACK: yeah. D~NIS: You ~nd Eisenhower a~e the same age, JACK: We are not....Now ].ook, everybody..please ~eme~bsr that ~ny ~ime Lo~ella briDgs up th~,t fa/~ ~gaz~e article she "~rote about me, ob/~r~e the subject. LW Ft f;¢O 1 O1B30~3
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-14- J Now don~t forget, J~ok..Tell her how wondel, fu± and slir/~she J j/ ~'-looks. JACK: Ye~h?,Z will, ! will. (sOUND< DOOR ~Z~R) JACK: COMING, COMING. ~ ~.f (SOUND: RLT~I~-FOQTETEPS, T~EN STUMBLES ~ND FAILS DO~7~ WITH LOUD C.~%~K) JACK: Oh darn it. RO~,~e~ter h6d to l@~ve t~hat footstool in the middle of "the h~il~ ~Kqy: Well/get uP..and the loop goes in back. "'~. JACK: /~All rlght all right. ///~ / (SOSm-D: ~ooR BUZZ~) K.~jU w "x'-~(SOUI~: FEW F00TSTEpS...D00R 0PENS)j~" JACK: (~NEETLY] "Wglco~e to ~ hL~hle...Oh .hello. ZARA: Hello, Mr. Benny] do you rem~mbe~hs'? "\ 7,/ JACK: (PUZZLED) i~h? . / m/ Z~ ~EL: We wel~e sitting on Zh~t,.sigh~qseeing bus with you. JACK: Oh yes...yes.. ,yo~Te, the hone~m~,, couple. ~Tmt ¢~.n I do / for yo~'? '" S_~_~&: We~.l...we sa~ the sign in front of you~ ho:use. /" JACK: Sign? ../ - / MEL: ge~h~ ~e went tc rer,-t a room• ,/ / "~WEN~/ Wb~t a~e the rates? / / ON
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2¸ -15- oARA~ Qulet, Mama. JACK: ~m sorry folks but that sign should have been taken down ...It w~,~ut up this summe~ when I was~z@y~ MEL: Oh...well then,~)~e better go somewhere else....Come on, Poopsy. \" .... / S-A/hA: Goodbye~ Mr. BeDm7. " "~-~\ JACK: Goodbye. (S@D~ID: DOOR CLOSES...COUPLE OF F00TS~:P$) DON: ~ ~h@rels Louel!~, Jack:.; \\ JAeE+----r'#ba~-~asalt-hen~i~-~ °aa~-we!~e~g-ho~se. Now :oenn~s, I want you to sing don~t forget, when LoLtei]~ gets he~e, that song. ~ENNIS : ()kay. BOB : JACK : BOB:~e~D1 let you he~ it now. foz, him. ~y Jack, the Sportsmen Quainter and I ~ve been reheamslm.g so1~ we were going to do on the ~i~w. ~ould you llke us o e~tertaln Louell , too~ Come on, ~%, let's sln~ ~t JM
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] (i mo) BOB: Z F~ IN LOVE WILT[ K0U FIRZT TIME I LO0~D ~T0 THEM THERJ~ EYF~B. YOU'~ GOT A OERTAI}I CI]qF~ WAY OF ~IRT~' ~TITH THEM ~HERE k~. THEY ~I~Z4E ME FblEL "#JP~" ~HEZ MAKE ME BLUE NO STALLIN', I~H FALLI}N GOING IN A BIG WAY FOR ~q£ET LITTLE YOU. ~/ I~T IS JU~4PIN' YOgi ~%L~ ~TA_~TED S0$~P_I~~ WITH ~ TH;~E EYI~ YOU BFTT~ WATCH T~<~I IF ~0UrRE WISE. THEy SPAIn, THEY_ BUBBLE THEYkRE ~0NNA GET YOU IN A WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE YOU'P~ OI~INW0.~LKIN' TI~ Ti{~rS DANG~ LURKI~~ IN ~I5A- BB RFH01 0"1890~6
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--~ ~ ~.~ ~ ~-~ ~-~*~T~ QU-~RT: WE FH~LL IN LOVE WITH YOU FLRZT PT~_ ~E EVE~ ]DREW ?IJCKY $~IViIK~, YOU .4RE THE pERFECT BI~ND LUCEY ~TRIKE, NOV~, DECEMBER, T-k~ ~I{OLE ~/{ THROJGH THERE'S NO~ITIN' BEATS PL~FIN' pUFFINI ON A LUCKY, NO OTHER WILL DO BOB: I ~OW A THING ABOU~ Z0 I C~ SING ABOUT LUCI£f ZTRIKE, TP3EY HAVE A TASTE THAT ~fO%- ~JILL LIKE 0UART : M]~v~MM GOOD BOB: ~-OL 0TH~ FORSWKA~R 19.~ YOU'LL ~N0~ THE REASON I~~ ~0U TEAE AN-D CO~IP~_RE ~I QUART: T~ FINEST OIGAP~- "fOUl~:tE E~ GOLN~L% GET LUC~Tf LUCE~ S~/R~ IZE -!SB- ~T~O't 01830~2
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-16- (THI~ ~0UTZ~ JACK: That was ~ondcrful, Bob ~...~l'm glad ycu and the boys though~ of it. And Lcuell~ will love i~. (S0~: DOOR BUZZER] J A~ -ah~a~mt Cca -he m-~ow ..... No._nares mhe-~ -Cel.loW~-r-I DENN.T~%~- Iml~m~_ll_h~ m_t h@t._y~uLre-~me~ge -es-Eis~howe ~.. JACK: Coming, coming (SOU!~: DOOR Rt~ZER] (SOUND: Running footsteps, the~ atumble~ and falls down with ~ loud crash) .~ co mi_~n[, coming: Jack, don't forget ~o ~o!i he~, that~ s ~he' s much thinner than you thought she was. JAOI<: I~ll tell her, I'll tell h~m. (SOL~: COUPTm' OF F~T FOOTZTEPS .. DOOR OPENS) JACK: WELL, LOUg/bLA PABSON$~ }f~i~T A SURPRISE. LOU~LA: RELLO, JACK. ~P PLAUBE JACK. ~Come in, Loueila. LOUELLA: I would h~ve been here soonem~ but the bus went to Santa Monica fi~s t. JACK: Huh? .. Oh yes, yes ~. (~%IDE) Say Louell8~ don't put this ~ your column, b~it wi~n you pess~d Be~ha~e ~te~c/ok~ s ho~se, did you notice those cu~t~ins? JACK: Oh darn it ... Rochester had to l~ave that footstool in the middla of the hall MA~: Well, get up - and the loop goes in the ba~k, SOUND: Door Byz~er. DH C 1 8 a O<t8
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-17- LODELLA: Oh yes, i have the same kind in my house. JACK: ~iJ~ >~I'T TP~Y f~STE-LY? ,.. Come on ±n Loueiia, I w~n~ you to ~r~et my gang. (SOL~3: DOOR CLOSES ~ ~Q ='~ • ., _EW F00_~TE~ Right this way, they're in the o~her room. (SOU~D: STU~I~ AND TERRIFIC CRASH) Oh da~ that footstool. Well~ don't stand there, .pick me u~. Oh ~, l~es, I'm sorry~ Louell~., ~ ~KLLOWS, I GCT A SURPRISE FOR YOU . ~ , L01~[LLA ~ARSONS. HELLO, EVE~CDy. ZUp, ~ho~ bor~ for 8n Interview. Row ~re you, Louelis? ... I heven't ssen you fom a long time. I~m~ary, just fine. Well, yot3 loo~ wo~dOl~f~l ... doesnlt she, Each? Huh? Doesn't she look wonderfui~ J~ck? Huh. Ys~ yes .. You k~ow I~L~O~e~ yOUlr@ ~ot D.ea~ly ~S l'e~ as ! thought you were. I tn~arl, I megn ... you ~al!y look ve~- slender. That's because shel~ shanding next to Don gil~on. ~.~ ~ Dennis, behave you~se~'~.. ,Lo~_a,~ 7ou ~mow~v~bod~- here don, t you ? JACK: JACK: LOUBILLA: JACK: GAnG : JACK: MA~Y: JACK: JACK: MARY: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DH f3TM01 0"1830~9
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-18- Oh yes,~.oy ~e way, Bob...you'~e new on Jack's shcw, ~1~n I t yOU? BOB: That's r, lght, Louslla...tl~is is my fi:~st ~ason. / LOUELLA: ~ how do you like working for Jack? BOB: Oh, i~'s wonderful...we 're such a ha~oy gang.. ,at rohsarsals w~ laugh...during the show We laugh,..when we got our chocks ,ae ]~ugh.. JACK: Yos, yes. F~RY: ~q%en we t~i to c~sh them, we get hysterical. JACK: ~ry, please....By ~" o way, Louella, when is tb!s intervisw ~-ou've g~iving me goiP~ to appear in print? ~D~ELLA: .Neat week, but fi:,st I'm going T,o tell all about it on my Luster Creme Shampoo ~ ~ ~ad~o p~o~am, l~e~day night on JACK: Oh, then you can do ma a big favor. Would you mention that u~xt gur~ay, No~Jsmbe~~ Second, I'm going to do anoti~r television show. Dinah Shore is going to be my ~Jest DDJELI~ : d/l']l be g!md~o mention ~T,. ~ ~- -/ " JACK: Tb~nk ~,ou...Now, is thsme mnythin~ else you want to }a~ow~ L0 DELLA : JACK: DON: Lou~!la? Yes, when do We e&t? Oh, I'm so.~ry...i almost forgot ~bou% dlune~. I d~dn't. JM ~ ]-HO ~ 018S050
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-19- JACK: I ~&ow, i k~low. ROCH: DINneR IS ~D. JACK: Coms on, everybody, les's go in the dining room. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, CI~IRS pULL~D OUT... JACK:~ Sit right here, Lcuella...L~t me zill up ~our ~at~... LOL~LLA: ~T~nk you, -- just love mashed potatoes...~y th~ way, Jack, ho~ did you like the ~gazin~ article I '~ot~ about you a few weeks ago?...Did you like where I -- delicious. IA~: ~ank you, Jack...Did yo~ ~ead the ~- FARY: H~re, Lou~lla, DJ~V~ some more mashed potato~s. LOUELLA :,~ ThaP/K8~...llow as I was ~aying~ ! w~ots a magazine article ~boufi Jack which appeared "[n ~he mashed potatoes -- I mean fan magazine. Jk K: ~sbed potazoes?~>~e Loueila., .have all you -~ant. I~OUEL[A: Now Jack...the main purpose of to~ghfl,s !nzervle~ is to ge~ FOUr reactions to ~elevision. JM
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-204 JACK: ~e%evision? Yes, Television is more difficult fo~ the actor than vadi~ it, Jack'? JACK: ~-~nat's vIN~t, Loueil~....televlsion i~ very dem~ndlng... ~An actor has to .~ehearse for hours ....then he h~s to sh~v$ as close2~ possible ..... hen ~the ma~e-up depart~eut*sRends ~n hou-~ pu~t~ng ~ base on/hlm. ,..the~the first layez, of make-up....then the second layer of mske-up. ...then they tweeze your eyebrows and rouge your llps. GOndoLA: All that just to be squirted ~ the face with ~ seltzer bottle? JACK:Y~, at s murder. LOU~A: Well, Xs-! make notes of this for my new article....By the ~ay, Jack~ Jetting back to the other a~ticle I did about you.., .did you ~ead -- DON: H~E, LO~, ~_VE GOM~ MORE MASHED POTATOES. (SOUND: LITTLE RATTLE OF DISHE~) JACK: ~zqlat w~s very thou~ntf~i of Fou Don, WaSh~t it, Louella?... Louel]z .... LOU~LLA, ~YH/~E A~E v0U? LOUELL~: RICuHT OVI~ H~E B~{END THeE MAgH~D POTATOES. JACK: Oh....Well~ dig g hole in the middle so I can see you ..... The~e, that's bette~, l~ow Louella, ~6ther tb~n just havi~g you ~sk me s, lot of q~estlo~s~ i'll give you a brief sto~j of my llfe. ~ ,~/~ LOLU~LA: All right, Jack, go TC 01830?;2
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D~NIfl JACK: JACK: LOU]~LA: JACK: -21- JACK: I we, s bo~ in ~aukegan, Illinois....After g~,aduatlug gra~a~ school~ i too~ a~ i~t~est ~ ~uslc...~ate~ I ~ent to Chicago ~he~ I stud~ed the ~ioiin under Hugo Cortcha~ at the Chica=o Conservatory of Muslc....After four years of Int6~slve study, m~ p~ofesso~ to~ a ~e~sonal interest i~ ~e a~d a~ang~d for my first app~ar~n~ at .... ~ SI~7T UP~. ~j~_~ DENNI3; ~.. F~om that time o~my, caree~ g_~w by leaps and (MUSIC ~TA~TS SOFT) Zn 193~, i ~as lur~d to Hoilywood and olc~ures ~he~e I m~d~ And~ J~ did~ ~o~ ~e ~ ~i~tu~ ~a!ie~ ~M~n Ab~ Lo~ ~n~ ~on~ ~i~ The Win~ A ~ In ~i~ A~ Th~ ~ of ~ili~o, ~ C~oe~ To An~h~im~ Azus~, and ~mon~The Thi~f~Zvanho~ .... JA~K~ .... ~ ~ea~ C~uso~ ~udde~ F~a~ ~omebody Love~ M~ ~d ~om And ~eliiah~ (~mSIC IJP Am) APPLAUSE) TO
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JACK: (APPLAUSE) EON: -22- Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow, October 27th, is Navy D~y. So letr~ join ~he Navy League of the Unltc~d States in ~.~yiug g~atez~l tribute to the heros of the Navy, both living and dead...~aank you. Jac~ will be back: in just a moment, but first ..... "~ TC RT,~01 0~ 83054
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~IE JACK B]~PZ pRO~R/LM SUNDAY, 0CTOBg~ 26, 1952 (TBANSG~IBED OCTOB]~ 2], 1962) CLOSING CO~CINL DON: Jack ~lll be back in just a moment, but first ... COLLINS: Luckle~ taste better~ CHORUS OHm: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Lucky St~i~e means fine tobacco ... Cleaner, f~esher, 8moother~ Lucky, Lacky, Lucky~ Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Oleane~: f~-eshe~, smoother~ Bstte~ get a ca~ton~ Bette~ get a cartout Bette~ get a carton, today~ DON: You may not cheer right out loud like tllat when you first try Luckies. You may only whisper, ~'A-H-H-H ,.. Laekles d_~o taste betterS" And It_ dllke to tell you why. Lucklss~ better taste begins ~ith fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco. L~/MFT -- Lucky Strike means flue tobacco. Then, too, Luckies a~e made better ... ~ouud, fi~m~ ~h~lly packed ,.~ to taste c!eaner~ ~reshe~b sjoothe_~r. No wonder so many college students ~re cheering about Luc~les, better taste. You see, a ~ecent nablou-~ide suz~ey based on ~ctu~l student interviews in 80 leading co].leges ~eveals that more smoke~s i~ these colleges p~efe~ Luckies than any othe~ clga~ette ... and by a wide margin~.
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....... -- ....................... T~E JACK B~ pEOC~ S~I~DAZ, OCTOB~ 26, 1952 (TRANSCRIBe3 0CTOB~ 23, 19~2) CL0SZNG COmV~RC~S (CON~D~ DON: In addition, Luc~ies gained far mote smokers than (cont.) the nation~8 two other ~i b~ands combined: And the number one resson the students gave fop smoking Luckiss was -- bette~ taste. $o enjoy LuckiesT better taste yourself .,. get a cleane_r, f~eghe~, smoother smoke. Yes~ be happy -- go Luck7 ... make ~ [~e~(t carton ,.. Lucky Strlke~. SPORT~M~ QUABTE~: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Luc~g ~Strlke toda~~, (LONG CLOSE) GM RFH01 O 183056
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(~Aa) JACk: -6- Lzdies and gentlemen, I want to thank Louella Barsons for ~ppeariug on my ~rog~am tonight .. And next Sunday I'll be do~g my second television show of ~he season, which will go on immediately &i~er my re~dlo show. I hops you'll all be llstenlngand looking. Goodnight, everybody. (APPL&USE & MUByC) DON: The Jack Benny program is w~Itten by Sam ~rrln, Milt Josefsbemg, George Balzer~ John T~c~berry, and is p?oduced &nd transcribed by Hii!i&~d Ma~ks. %~e Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Luc<y Strike, product of 5he American Tobacco 0ompany -- America's leadin~mauu~cturer of cigarettes. ANN~: Stay tuned in ~r the Amos ~u: Andy Show, which follows immediately .... _~s~-&s the CBSFADI0 N~OBK. TC,
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© e~
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PR OGF~]~I #8 R EVZ% ~D SCRIPT -~4~RICAN TOBACCO CO.AT/ I,UCEY B~9 IKE THE JACK B~/ PEOGP~/~ SUSIe_y, NOVE~Bm 2~ L95..2 ....... C SS___ ........... L:OO/_~/}£ ~,N_£-6_'T__ (TRAg~SCRIB~I~D OCT. 29, 1992) ~ DH ~T;~O ~ 0183059
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THE JACK B~f PROGRAM ~UN~Y, NOV~ 2~ 1952 (TPANSC~IBED OCT0~ 29~ 1952) 0P~NING COMM~ CIA~ DON: ~HE JACK B~ PROGRAM ... TRANSCEIB~ AND pRinTED B~ LUC~r STEIKE'. COLLINS: Luckies Taste Better:. CHORUS: Luc~ Strike means fine tobacco -- Lucky Strike mean~ fine tobacco -- Cle~ne~ ~e~e~ ~oo%he~t- Lucky, Lucky, Luc~I. Luc~ ~trike means fi~e tobacco ~.. Lucky Stri~e meaus fine tobacco °.. 01o&~er, fr~she~j S~oother~ LON: DH Better get a ca~ton~ Better get a carton~ Bette~ get a carton, today~. Hi~ friends ... this is Don Wilson. You cou]d say that chee: is the voice of c<lllegiate America~ speaking ri~tup on the subject of cigarettes. Here,s what I mean: A natlon-wide survey in 80 leading colleges, based on actual student Interview~ re~ee~,l~ that more smokers in these colleges prefer Luckles than any ether cigarette ... and bF a ~Ide margin~ In addition, Luc~les gained fa~more ~p~ than ~e ~atlou's two other p~iuclpah brands combined. And ~hy? The number one re~on the studei~ts gave for smoking Luckles was bette~ ~a~te. That'~ rlght~ Be~ter taste because LS/IiFT - LUCky Ztmike means flue tobacco. Bett~ baste because Luc~Iss are made better ,.. packed just right to give you a cle~ne~, ~esher, smoother smoke. (m m F~ T~O ~ 0]83080
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THE JACK BENNY PEOGEAM • SUNDAY NOV~4B~R 2, 1952 ~TEANSCRIBE0 OCTOBER 0P~ING COMMI~CIAL (CONT D) DON: (Ca~'o) CHORUS ~: MUSIC : DON: ~9, 195~) So be happy -- go Lucky, and you, too3 will cheer LucZi~' better taste ... bec~ase I k~ow Luc~ies' better taste will cheer~Eg~_~ Lucky Strike m65ns fine tobacco ~.. Dack7 St~i~8 means fine tobacco ... Cleane~, f~,eshe~ smoother~ Better get a carto~ Betfler get a carton~ Bettez get a car%on, today~ (~PR0~AM ~ UP Ar{D D0~) The Luck~ 5trlke P~ogram 3tarrlng .... [H ~[}{0~ 0'!8306"|
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-- .................... --- -1- (A~ COM~C~_&L, ~ZSIC UP A-~D DOWN) DON: T~ LUCKY STET~E PROGRAM_, STARRIng3 JACK B~ . ,. ~22H MARY LIVINGSTON~, ROCH~ST~, DF~'NIS DAY2 BOB G~OS~Yt AND "YOURS TRb~L~"~ DON WII~ON. (APPIA~TSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADI~ kiND GLNTI~&~ ~_~v~4_J~DIAT~Z AFT~ THIS PROGF~2¢ JACK B~/ DOF~ HIS SECOND T~ISZON SHOW OF TH~ SF~SON. MF.ANWHILE LET'S GO ~OK TO FRIDAY ~NING. ITIS F_&LLOWE']~.. AND IN BEV~LY HILI~, AS IN COMMUNITIF~ ALL QV~ T~ COUNT-~Y T~ ~-TTLE OOBLINS HAVE ALRF&DY START~ T~OUGE THE NEIGEBO~OOD pLAYING "TRICK OR TREAT", STUFf: Well, this is the last house in ~he bloc~ .. Before we go to the next st#eet, I think tle ought to pus all the stuff we got Into cue big b~g ,. you go first, Bobby, PRT~: I~m Joey. Bobby and me ch~uged mas~s. 3TU~: Oh .. Well, it doesn't ma~e &uy difference., Let's all emptF ou# pockets &ud see ~b~t "~eWe 6ot. MICHA~: I'll go firss .. Z got a piece of ~dge, a stic~ of gum, and two lollypops. ~9W/FFf: I got an apple, some popcorn, ~o coo~les, and a chocolate b&~ o P~: I got some lemon dmops, a peppermint stlc~, and a doughnut. JACK: I got & Tootsie Roll, a package of Lif8 Savers, and & can of Strongheart .. ~mn .. dog r"ood. 0183062
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_o_, Hey fellew~, ,~e're ~a~tlug ti~e. LetI s get o~e~ to the next JACK: Yeah .° yeah,~!etTs go. ~_~. STB~Y : / MICHAh7~: (SOIT~CD: FOOT~T~S ON C~T) STUFF/: Hey, Bobby~W~t~ e~at new kid that moved into the ~lelghborhood. ~IO~EL: Oh ye~h ... ~, ~UT_CE. BARRY: H'ya, fellows. 9pI~_ eu- pZzey In~--T~Ick~ ~7 - t-o o ? KABB~-~----A,~al~t-e~d- t-~O-J~l~_~k~-';~e~ ~i~eriy Hills ~, Gay Butch, ~ ~&nt , yo~ ~o meet the TPeasumep o~ our club .. M~. Jack Benny. HARRY: H'ya, M~. Benny. JACK: Hello, Butch. STUFFY: You can be vs~y proud that you've met ~. Benny. i~ARRY : I can? !~ny? STUFFY: You've just shaken the hand that knocked Grit Gene .munn~y. pETFS : V~ And tell Butch why Mr. Benny ~ent toFinland this year. yeah ,. Mr. Benny Nas the most decoysted athlete on the United States Olympic 5~m, ~ T [~<0 'l O1H3r963
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}i~Y:_ ~Second?~ MIC~aah~- &l~--these--medals-~lQ~ ~ 3&ira &own- ,~l~le. HARRY: Oh boy .. what ~n athlete. gTU~/: Yeah, bu~ M~. Benny doesn't ~nt anybody to ET~OW it ,, He ev~ ~ee~s big pads in his c~&t so his muacles ~onTt show. p~2-~: Aud not ~n!y that, Butch, Mr. Benny.s in the movies, too ... He made ~ picture c&iled "-~e Horn Blows At -- JACK: Come ou, fellows,~!et~s go .. H&llowe~en ~lll be over before -~e ~ow it ,. ~ow lefts go Pir~ so~e mo~e doo~ bells. JACK: I1ey ~ids, this is the street whelm M4~4&~_ Mo~e~. JACK: ~ ~ud r~ght _aG ~..~ss~h~ _s~ra~t~la_y/aa~g Ma_~y Livlugstone lives.... I'm~Ing over &ud see he~ ~Ids. KIDS : O~ay, JACK: i'll be b~Ck in ~f'~ minutes. (SIIOHT TRANSITION ~JSIC) (SOU~: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (OVE~ P3OTSTEPS) Gee, Z hope ~he m~id is out tonight so Mary ~ill open the doo~ he,self .. Boy, will this mask fool hem. (H01/~q9: FOOTSTEPS .. DP STEPS .. DOOR BUZZE~.. DOoR opines ) DH
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JACK: DORIS: DOR IS : MANY: DOR IS : M~\RY : JACK: MARY: DORIS : MANY: JACK: JACK: MASSy: JACK: Trick o~ treat4 (SOUND: RUNN~fG ~OTSTEPS) MISS LI~'XNC~TONE .. MISS LIVINGSTONE~ (OFF) ~CgAT IS I~, pAULINE L.W}~T~S THE M~,TT~R? TH~ETS A WOLF ~&N AT THE DOOR~ A wolf man .. oh, Paullu~. it's probably some kid .. I'll go see. Mary~ it's me. Oh, fo~ heaven's s.ke~..~P~..INE. 00,4E OUT ~0M I.{D]~ THE B]~ (OFF) DID ~WOL~IN GO AWAY? It's not a wolf man, it's Mr, Benny .. He pu!l~d hls Zoupay down ~ve~ his face and cu~ zwo eyes in it. Yee.h .. Ma~y. do y~1 mind if I come in and ~it down fo~ few minutes ... l~m worn out. Wol~l out? ~rLZ a~8 you so ti~ed? I don't know .. I ~sss I ha~Jenlt gotten ove~ the Olympics. What? 2.5 I me~n~ I~walked ova~ f~om Olympic Boulevard ~. Oh boy .° let me get into tb~t chair .. S~y Ma~y, I~m not keeping you f~o~ anything, am I? M_~RY: Not right now, Jack. But in a little while I've got to go~ help my sister B~be with he~ Hallowe' eu p~ty. JACK: B~be's having anothe~ Hailowe,en party? •.. ~nny she dldn, t i~vite me. DK ~;1-~{0 I 0183065
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-5- last ye~r~ you OsNft bl~Ine ~P, M~r: ~fter what Hs-Qpe~ed Wb~t a cheap costume. JACK: ]What do you mesh? MARY: you didn't spend ~ dime ... you put on a pai~~ of short~, stood out in the cold end came ss Little Boy Blue JACK: Oh, you're just msd becsuse they g~=ve ~ first prize .., it ~m-weeks. Alan.dSadd, V~/ohus oo~--Tgwone~we~--~ebe~o l~r~, ~ n~ Gl~k~6~bi~? JACK: ~k@~-~4e-~eup~ Gosh, my feet hur~ ... Do you mind ~f ! ~liD off ~ shoe~? ~EY: No, go right ahesd. (SOU~: SHOB DROPS ... SHOE 2BOPS) JACK: Ahhh, tb~t feels better ... You know, Mary, we've w~!ked all over the ueighbor~ood. MARY: Jack, I ku~ow that's a ~%ice btu%ch of kids who belo~ to the BesversC~b~ b ... butayou r~4too old for them. JACK: "D~,-Ma~it~s good fo~ kids to have a hero ... ~n idol-,~w~/~,~,~ J someom~ they csn worship. . ~ARY: T know, but whet kind of sn excuse a~e you gonns giw,~hem Wednesdey when they f~nd out you weren't elected President? TK ~I>~01 01~3066
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-- ,~ --~ ~ ~ ~---- -- ............ -g- JACK: %hstls whst worries me ... the kids won't believe it, they~ll de~nd e recount ,.. Oh well, I'll think of somethlnz,. MICHAEL: (OFF) ~. BEN~ ~.. ~R. BENNY ~.. WE'RE WAITI~D FOE YOU. JACK: The Besve~s are calling me~ Iive got ~o go. MARY: All right, J~ck, I'm glsd you stopped by. JACK: Goodnight, Mary. MARY: Goodnight. (SOUND: DOOR OLO&ZS) MARY: Oh Pauline, Peullne ~- DORIS: Here I sm, Miss Livingstone ... ~id M~. Benny leave? MARY: Yes~ Peuline, but he~]l be back~ DORIS: How do 7ou Icnow? MARY: He for~o~ his shoes. DORIS: Oh. (SOU~: DOOR BUZZER ...DOOR OPENS) JACK: Thanks. (~OU~ DOOR CLOSES) JACK: A~ RIGHT~ ~EJ~O~.S, I'M COMI~ ... LET,~ GO RI~(G SOM~ MO2~ DOOP/~LL8. (SOUND: FOOTS~PS ) / STU~eah, and let'~ hur~j, i gotts be home by ten o'cl~ok~.~ HARRY: Me too. -~-, " MICHAEL: All right fe]lows~weJ!1~os~ °- out t~Jli ten o'clock. ,TACK: (P~KLESSLy) >fell 9~ ifi)~:o~ce a ~esr, /_. can stay ~ thet !eta, too ... Come ,,)n~"Beavs~s, let,s~g~, ..... i. (TRANSITION .~]SIO) ~ ~ .... - /11" - TK ~T~01 0183067
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STUFFY: -7- JACK: Gee, kids, werve walked sbou~ three miles ~ince we lefs ~l~r ~ s house. ~ey, ~m. Benny ... Isn't this the house where D~,n~s Day lives? JACK: Yeah,/!es'me go u~aler~, z wants scare Dennis's mother . .. You kids wait here. ( 5~J~D: FOOTSTE~ ) JACK: (TO VS~ELF) i ~hlnk i'!I look in the front window first and see ~I ~h,s. Day is home ... Good, it's open, too. (SCgJ~: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) (AS C0LMAN) T_tm in the library~ Benita. Dennis, stop imitaZlr~ Ronald Colman. Now go sit down ard filLish ~-our dinne1,~ 0kay . .. Say Mother, why 8~e you carr~ir~ that base~all ba~? In case some Fathead comes to the door to play Trick ,or Treat. JACK: F~mm~. ~U~P~: Dennis, w~t happened to all the mustard that woe 2n this jar? DENNIS: Oh, T used it to play a 14allowe~en trick. VE..P~A: A Hallowe~en trick with ~astar~? D2~I$: Yeeh, I Smeared ~t all ove~ your new nightgown. ~RNA: ~at? You smeared mustard on my D~W nightgown? E~NI~: Ho~ so ].olld, yo~e not supposed Zo find out Z~]l you ~o Zo bed. TK \~RNA : E~N~IB : VERNA: DEN~V_$:
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DE~IZ: \,\ x\it~!! fall on ~ ms head. k VE~R~A: (~THISPF~) Say, that's a good ides. DEI~IS: (wHrs PER) There "l got it f~_xed. ' (BOUND: FOOTSTEPS D~¢N !ADDER) DENNIS: (~IK41SPER)x Gee, I thmi~ht he was gcr~us come in t~ house. \ I wonder wha}~8 keeping hLm? I better go out a~ -- (!,}IISFER) Uhauh, Dennis, don't open that door, the p~il will fall on you. ", DEN~S: (ICHISPER) Gee, th&t'a right ... I'll go ou~ the wlnd~w and \ k look for M~. Benny. , \ V~RNA: I hate to have Dennis do'~ thing like this to Jack ~m3, I wish lld thought of it rasse~f ... \ Oh-oh, there're some footstegs ~he oorch now. / (som~ oo0~ B~m) X, ,/ V~RNA: (CALLS) 'IT~ door's open, come in. "~ •/(soum~ ooo~ o~) \ DENNIS: [~o~her~ he wssn;t -- / "\ // (SOUND: BUCKET OF WA~ FALLS ON DENNIS) ~R~&: Der~is~ take that bucket off your head, you look~,like Ivanhoe 2 , \ VERNA: ~. avery day they'~e getting babies ~m!~ed up in ~ hos~ttal~but ! had ~o get the _~ight one...Now Deuni~, you've go~ to rehearse you-~ Song for tb~ pregram.~et me hea~ it. Y~I~-IS: Okay, Mother. (APPLAUSE) (DESTNIS'S $Oi~G) ~" ~" <3 (~'~ISF~R) I just ~sw ~ Benny pe~king in the windcw so i'ii / put this bucket of water over ~he door and ~;hen he opens it,/" R[>{O 1 018306?
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(SECOND NOUTII[E ) _o_ ,TACK: i'm getting out ef aeme,.l wouldn't go nea,r Mrs, Day ~,~ith th&t baseball bat :Ln bet bands. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) STUFFY_: (W~ISPERS) Hsy~ M~. Benny, did you scare Dennis,s ~[otheT? JACK:~Tbere was {~obody h0m8. But I thought I b~ard somebody singln~ with a bea~]tif~l v3ice TACK : ~ ~ Th~ ~as m ..... (S~NGS $A~4E SONG i~IS DID) (SOUND: FOCTSTEP~ JACK: (-w~IISPERS) T{ey, ~ids~ the~e's a friehe of mine eomi~ dewn the s~reet. You hide ~n the bushes and I'll put on my mask ~nd sc~e t3im. "_~IDS : (~SPER) 0k~y. (~0UND: APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS) JACK: <Oh, boy, when ~ sees this aasK,~he'll jump ou~ of his skin. (SOUND: APPROACHI~ FO0~TEPN IOU~ TIIL THEY,RE ON HI~. ) JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ~OOOO00O!!! Hsilo~ Mm~ Berany. Shz~l%sllo±~Mr. iCitzs i, (ApplAUSE) .f- JACK: Mr. ICitzel, bowed ~fou -,.eco~nize me in ~s~ old clo~s? ARTXE: You were dressed ~I~ ~ame way a~ th~ opening of' the S~a~le~ Hotel. JACK: 0h~ yes, yes~ it was ~ publicity stunt.~'ell~ Mr. lqltzel.. what are you doing out on ~he street..Don,z you know,hisSes ~ TC ] ~ • " L 113,3c~ O
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-10- ~RTIE: Yes; I l~o~The n~n~ght w~n hobgoblins ar~ spooks and monsters and witches rogm the sb~ests, JACK: Then what ~re you doing ont? ARTIE: I'm looking for my wife. JACK: Oh. ARTIE: Maybe 7ou saw her? JACK: Well~ i don't k~ow~ Mr. Iflbzel..I don't quite ~ememher wn~t sbs looks lAKe. ARTIE: She~s ~ very cute little woman, 5bout five feet three. JACK: Fire,brae ? ARTIE: In any direction. JACK: You mean your wife is that fat? ARTI~: Hoo boo boo...She weighs in the neig~foorhood of' t!~.ee hundrsd pounds. JACK: Really. ARTI~: And ~¢i~n she takes off her girdle, shels all over the neighborhood. JACK: Mr. !<itzel~ you're kidding? ~J~TIE: (IAUC;}~) MZ..~..Anyway, I want my wife to come home and held me straighten uo the house some kids tipped it $,ver. Tip ed over your ous~? Im must be awxul!y sma±±. the , if you get out oi the r~ght side of the bed, 2ou're in ~he kitchen...if you get out of the left side of the bed, youT~e in the bathrocm...and LC you ge~ out of ~he f~,ont of ~n~ bed, you're on the Sunset Bus. JACK: Ge~7 you b~ve got a small house ~.. But I can't understand how a youngster could tip it over. TC N'/ ;'fro 1 0 i8307'1
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ART~E: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE : JACK: ART!E : JACK: ARTIE : - ll- Where I lJ.v~ -i~ !~ot unusual. My~ ~e those ~L~d~ tough. / Today, a gang of thsm asked me to bob for apples. Well, Mr. [~tzel, that's t~m custom on Rallowe~en. All k/.ds bob for appl~s. I know, but in my neighborhood they use boiling water. I see~ Well~ goodbye, Mr. Benny. l,ve g~% ~o be running along. Goodbye, Y~. }~tzel~ it was nice meeting you again. Ll~wise~ ~E~ co~vi~d~ JACK:9~-By ttm way, Mr. Y~Itzel, don't fo~gs~ to vote Tuesday. I,ll ha (APpIAusE) (SOUND: FCOT<ZTEPS ) JACK: ~y, !~ds~avers,..Wher~ ar~ you? o STUFFY: ~iere-~.~re, Mr. Benny. '~ls you ~ere fial~-~ng to that man, we rang some more door ])ells. MICI~EL: Ysah~ and w~'~e divldi~g up the stuff we got...we dumped t all out on the sidewalk. PETER: We got a bag of Circus peanuts, a ~t~ck of ~m, a penny, a bottle of ~ ~id a ~oke Tootsis Roll. HARRY: I~ll ~aks the Coca Cola. MICHAEL: I'!I take the Tootsis Roll. STUFFY: I'll take the loll~op. PETER : Now it's between you and me, M~. Benny...which do you want, the stick of =urn o_ ~t~ penny<; TC
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JACK: ...... We].l .......... I gJess~l'll take t~e stlck cf ~Jm. PETER: Okay, gen your foot off the penn.~. JACK: ]lu~?..0h, Itm sorry ..... S&y, kids, while we,.~e in this neighborhood letTs go over to Bob Cl~osby:s house. KIDS : Okay. ( %~NBITION -.~SIC ) (SOUND: ~OTSTEPS) C~,e, Bob Crosby lives in a swanky neighborhood. JACK: TeL, sir..You know~/he~s ~orklng 1731" m~ now. ~ARRY: Which house i~ Bobby? pETER: ~T~ one with the For Sale sign. JACK: i~m~n..,i'll ri~ the hell. (SODqVD: FAZq FOOTSTEPS..DOOR BUZZER..D00E O_EfiS) BOB: i~? 7~I]S:~TCK OR TROT. JACK: Hello, ~ob. P ~e!lo, Jack.~ Who a~e these a , . JACH: NO~ ~o~ ~ 8e _<!ds gp~ Bsavars. BOB: ~ On, yes, your ~ite~s look move like gophers. JACK: Has, yes..Three cf them t?~e with tbei~ teeth..Le~'~ go In~ kids. (SOWND: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR CLOSES) JU>~: .#(SLIGHTLY OFF) Who is it, Bob? BOB:~W~-~z ~--~ Benny~s here with the Beavers. JUNE: Oh, ho~ nice...h~l%@,~hiid~en. TC RT,~{O] 0 I 830,;~" .3
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Jack~ ~TOU VG r-sv~r i~et l~y wize.. ~his J.s glJno. JACE:'~J/~I'm vory ~!ad to ~o'~ you. JUNE : ~i3-- Tb~nk you...Now, kids, there's a lot of' c~ndy on the dining room ~bl% ~o don~t ~e bashful. HARRY: Oh~ boy~ come onj fellows. (SOUND: RU~ING FOOTSTEPS) BOB: JACK, CO~E BACK ~ERE. JACK: Oh, on, y ~,/l'm ~orry. jT~: Well, well, so I've finally met Jack Benny. JACK: Tba~,s ~ight. c~uppose Bob ba~ told you all about me. JUNE: Oh, yes. May I I'~!p you to a chai~? JACK: Help me to ~ -- Be ,b7--i~ un~s-l~h~c yoL~e gfgen~un~tqle "i~pr~ssion llm all old man. JUNE: No, no~ J~c~b told me that ~ou ~er8 o~y foz, ty-nins. BOB: No, no; honey. I sai'@-h~ was orgy t~rt~x-~n~. ,~[~: NOW~ Bob, let's !~ot go throug~tb~%t again. JACK: Bob, yOU.'d ~r~ue wiZh your wife about my~ags? BOB: It s&ys in my contr~Gt I've gott~ a~gue wZth ~. JAGK .-r----T~/~_mp.i[ in_D;~bl~o _ plane s. BOB: S~y~ Jack/J_t's~you didn't ~t here a few min~t~s earlier. ~h~ ho~ in the b~nd were ou~ celeb~atin~ Hallowe 'en and in. JAC:g: ~ ho~s in cur orchestra? BOB: Yoan~ a gang. Especially S~my the drn~mmer. JACK: Sammy? ~%at did ~e do? TC VI1N'O I 0'1B30P4-
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-14 - BOB: He painted his head orang% put ~ ligh0ed candle in his mouth~ end c~as as a J&ck-o-lar, tern. JACK: ~ ~'~ng? Had S~mmvtheen drdugin~? 3UNE: i tkink so~ !~ sneezed em-d ~t the curtains on fire. too?x _ BOB: Yes, Jack,,but~I must ~mit tl~at b~ w~s very dlg~Lfied. JACK: Bagby dignified? BOB: Uh huh..he 9ut~ cork in the hole in his he~d and came ~s JACK: Oh my goodness, 7~gish~I could have ~,een those g~ys. ~ T~l- me~ wh~ &boub Remiey? h= You'~e standing on ~m. jACK: -@h~.I thought it was ~ bearskin rug. JACK: Qk~yT-Be~v~rs...See you later, Bob. And it's been ~ ple~s~?e ~ti~g yell, J~r_e. J~ : Thank you. JACI<: So long. BOB ~c d~INE: goodby% MI O K~EL : ~IARRI. PETER : Jack. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSEg..~OOTSTEPS) ~ee, that Bob C~os~y ia a ~ce guy. ,and w~ a ~ife. She ce~tain!y is. S~s got the bluest eyes I've ever seen. TO ~T~O 1 C'IH~Or5
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-15- JACK: OH ~H, C01,1E OVER H£P~E UI~q)ER ~ STREET LIGHT...~q~r(E... Now come on~ ~Lid~, we~ve got, about five more houses... Ec%, whets ~ll ws go l]ext? STUFFY: Hsy, i know a good Hallo~'sn t~ick. JACK: What? STU~_~T: Well, the~ are five of us, iet~s go ~ip cve~ L~u Wilson. JACK: No, we ~nustn~t do hhat...but let,s go over to his house~ an~a7. ~DS : Okay. JACK: Now, come o.~, Beavers, i~,s getting l~te. ( TRANSITION I@JSIC ) JACK: ~w, kids, ~e~s Don Wilson's houss..It's d~rk inside, but the door is open..I better go in ~lone. KIDS : (WHISPER) Okay. JACK: Wait here. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR CLCSES) JACK: (WHISPERS) l~n...Don..Hm..it's so d~k in heTe. ( SOLC~ : FOOTSTEPS) JA@~.~-- T~eT-2- stspp~@ on-~he--little p~bten±~-2~ct. Wh~e ~8 yO~? (SOUND: DOUN OPENS) TC P3TNO ~ 0 '1 [~ 3 EI2'h
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ECN: JACK: [<~N : JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: (WHISPFRS) (WHISPERS) (wHisPeRs) (wHisP s) (wHIs Ps) (WHISPERS) -16- Jack..Jack, weh,~ in here. Yle . ~nat ? Me and bhe Sportsmen. Oh.. ~Don, what're you doing in this big house with all th~ lights out? ~ (WHIBFE~S) "fie're telling ghost stories, >~nd, Jack, we have ~or±d~rfui H~llowe~ ~sn song "~0 w&~-t 50 do.~ (WHISPERS) You t~,ve? (WHISPerS) Y~e~ the~e ~ & few p]~ces where you join in.. ~.%~d-~here's one pl~oe ~h~re we w~nt you to do a weird, c~azy l~ugh. (~YHISPERS; A~l-r&g~, l~s st&r~. (WHISPERS) (WHIsmRs) (~ISPER$) }~i_t 9)~ time. Seoor±ds ~ore ~.. ('~iiSP]~S) C'F~V~, ,~,e~d~,- everybody? d~ have tc w~it 5bout ten s~conds year. ~ny? W~ csn~t shard till nine twenty-sLx B-olov~ ]~el]., ~ome o~f~ w~ve or~l]~ got mbout f~ve Take it, boys. TC
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QUART.~ JACI(~ ~ DON: SH~-~. QUART: L S M F T. ( SCRSaX ) COME, WE ~ILL GIVE YOU A ~i~ll~, ~]fHET{ErS A HOUSE 0N THE HILL OF SPO01~, EUT ~ S{ILL FRIC+?~ i}~ AWAY. JACK: TAKE OFF ~FE TOUPAY. QUART: COMEs ~WIZ~ THE WOLVES i~a ~LL PR0~ THIS iS Ob~ NIC~T TO HOWL AND ZrEILL HOOT LiKE AN 0}~. HOOT, HOOT. ~gE ARE ~IHK GOBLINS WHO I@IOW ~:LE ~ WA.~v~ tZ~E~8 BLOM AND TOBACCO LEA~S ORO~'f. JACK: L S M F T &TINT'S ~{S SMOKE FOR ME. QUART: SO~ ~EE A TiP YROM A GEOST USE TOBACCO I}~-f TOAST ITIS THE O~IE WE LIF£-- MOST OF -~i~L. JACK: NOW? DCN: NO. JACK: OK. -17- TC RT',~O'~ (. I83L., N
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3ACK: NOW? _tON :%%Z. QUART : GO. JACK: ( CD~&ZY IAUGH ) QUART: BE~-z IS A S~4OE. ~OR~ YOU ~T ~IGHTER~ED YOU r~ETl~ START iZGHTIN' A LUCKY AND THEN IOU CAN GO. WE APE THE GOBLINS ~-[0 KNOW HOW TO LOUSE UP YOU~ ~{OW. JACK: COI~ ON~ FEI~LOWS, LETTS CO RIGHT ON .THE STREET TO PLAY ~!CK OR TREAT. QUART: NOW WE WILL FIZ T~OUGH THE AIR FIND SO~E LDC~]S ~0 S~ SOME TO T~-AR AND COMPAPE BEWARE. YOU ~LL LI~ LDCK~ STRI~. (APPlaUSE) -13- TC F~T><O'! 01830F~
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-19- JACK: Well Don, that was wonderful,..absolutsiy wonderful. DON: ~~e~/we could use it as a ¢o~ercial on the p~.,og~am sometime. ~. JACK: No ~% Don, it would sca~e all Lhe people....~!e!l, i better go...The ~eavers ai~e waiting for me., .So long, Don. ~/#~" ..... (B[Yg.~: ~3UR FOOTSTEPS...FOOTSTEPS STOP,..51,~?) (SOOND: F0.F~ F00TSTEPS...D00R CLOSES..F0(Y2STEPS) JACK: Hey, k~ds, come on out and we~ll ...... Itids...-'{o}i where did they go? I hettez~ give the Be~vem call. (,]A~Cl< GT:v~S I~JLL) PETER: (WAY OFF) (GIVES BP~.fJ~ CRY AND ENDS IT ]4ETI~ T]~ SHORT JACK: Gee, that~ s bhe ]Served distress migmal....I bette~ hurry. .... COMING, -~ILLSWS... COMING. (SCUND: I~IN~TND FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (O~R FOOTSTEPS..PUFFI_NG) I wonde~ wF~t happened...I hope it's notf~r~ se~iou~j...Oh, th~e they ~e~ oe~-d_nd t~t fonce...~ happened, fellows, w.hat b~ppened? PET~: 5tevie toi~e ~s l~nts climbing over this fence. STU~: (SOBBING A LITTLE) Yes, and I w~nta g~ hom~. JACK: Oh~ come on, Stevle, that,s mot~i& to cry over...~[hat, s so bad ~bou~ tearing a hole in you~ pants? ~B ~TXOI 0~83080
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.... • .... ~.• ~ •: ........ ~ .• .4. ~2C- rq - STUFFY:~ILL SOBBING) I wa~ carryir~ my rabbit there and ile got away..(CRIES) I wanta ~ ~me. JACK: Oh, donlt let that sip in your 9aats spoil our fun,.lli! oZimb ove~ the fenoe ~t~i ~Lx ~t for you...(QRU~S B ,,CU~ (S~?~O: CLI~I~NG NOISES...LONG, LOUD RIP OF CLOTI£) JACK: Well, i better go home, too,, .So lon&,_e~=~ ~o~s. ~e ail bettar ~. S~JFFY: Okay, Mr. Ber~ny, but before we break up, we want~ s~y .~omethlmg to you. JACK: Wkat is it, ~?~.L~ BO~: (SI~) FOR h~,S A JOLIX GOOD ~VL~ ~OR ~'S A JOILY GOOD ~q~,~ FOR ~S A JOLLy GOOD F~&~, , So long. }~DS: ~ long, Mr. Benny.~J ~. ./ @i~D: POOTSTEPS ) Gee, what a n/ght,..suoh fun...it,s great t,o be 5-ou!~:~... Going around from dooz, to door ~e--- 3~-on. (SOU)D: FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK: I wonder...Wellj it won'z hurt to try. ~B~jND FOOTSTEPS...i~OCK 3N ~K~DOhr. .EOOR OPENS) JACII: T~Ick or fli, eat? M~L: l'm sorry, but IZm only the watcht~s,n in t~d.s har~! JACK: BB R T.~'{O '~ 01 8 3 Or9 1
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-21- (~0U~: DOOR CLOSi!S.,,~OOTST~S) ~_ JACK: (SI~S) ~or I'm a Jolly Good Beaver~ Fo~ I:~ El Jolly Good Beaver ~o-~ I'm a Jolly Good Beaver, (~ITSZC AND APPLAUSE) JACi(: Ladies and gentlemen, IEII be back in ~ minute because I want to tell you wh~t 7'm doin~ today on ~y televZsiom show which goes on i~m~ediately after this loudness... But fiYst~ here,s some~Dd_ng ve~,y Important s~oout ~he election .... Your du~y &s a fzee citizen is to vote. And tD~s coming Tuesday is the dsy. So ~ake a nc~te to De sued to vote. Join your f~ends ~nd neighbors at the %~llot box Tuesday and rots ~s you ple~ss - but vone. See you &t the polls. T -h~ you. DON: ~ack will be back i~ Dust a moment= but first .... BB R[~01 0~83082
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'FHE JACK BENNY PROGR~ SUNDAY~ N0~$ER 2, 1952(TRANS0~IBED OCTOBER 2% CLOSING C0~RCIAL DON: C 0I~INS : C~IORUS CHEZR : DON : !992) Jack will be back in just ~ moment, but first .... imcki~s ~ste bette~! LucKy S~rike means fine zcbacao -- Imcky Strike means fine tobacco -- Cleaner, fresher, smooths~! Luc~z~ Luck~, Lucky! Luc~7 Strike mean8 fine tobacco ... In~cky Strib~ means fine tobacco ... Cleaner, f~esher, smoother! Better gez a ca~ton! Better g~t ~ c~r~on! Better g~t & carton, today! ~&-FT~ou know ~.iends it's only natural for Luck~ smokers to be enthusiastic about the cigarette that tastes ~o much better. And freckles do taste better. That:s b~ca~s~ LS/Mg~T - Lucky Strike means fine teoacoo .... Fine, mild and naturally good-~asting tobacco. ~at's mo~e~ you ~p~ tb~ full flavo~ oz that fine tobacco because Luckles a~e packed full and firm, ~de b~tt~ in every way ~o taste o]~a~er~ f~eshe~, ~mootb~. No wonder so m~ny o¢ile~ ~tuds~ts ~?e voloi~ their p~efs~ence fop Luokiss! Hemember~ a uaticn-wlds survey in $0 leading colleges •based en actual student interviews r~v~ls that more smoke~a in these coi!e~es prefer Luck~es than ~ny other cigar, otto. (MORE) 8F~O~ OJ8308t~
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THE JACK ~_~VY PROGI~M NO~T~KR o 1952 ( NSCRIBED 2% SUNDAY, COMMERCIAL (C@NT,D~RA~ OCTOBER CLOSING (CONT'D) SPORTSMEN Q?JARTET : 1952) A~ ~member thafi Luckiss gain6d far more smokers ~ut mQs~ of' ~ii~ ~m~be~ th3 muiDb~r ~ ~e&~o~ the ~udents gave fo~ smoking Lucki~s ... bett~ tast~ ~o friemds~ ~ tas b~tte~ taste t~a~ only lime tobacco in a bette~-made cigarette can giw you. He ~appy ... go Lucky ,.. t4ake ~me~t c~rtcm~.. L-~cky ~rike! Be Happy ~- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strik8 t~day! (lONG CLOSe)
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(TAG) JACK: 'A!~PLAUSE DON: Hcllo, ladies and gentlemen..See3 I came back Just !ik8 1 pz,omised... I want to tell you tb~n on my television sho~% w~ch goes on in ~xactly tI~.~sy seconds on the CBS Television Network, l,m ~oing to he, ve e~s ~ guest s~ar Dinah Shcrs, and we're ~oing to do "Buck Benny Rides A~ain." So, fol, those of you who ~avem~t 5ot a belevision so'c, 2ou've ~_ot =D~rty seconds to buy one... And if you live in F;auke~n~ my cousin Cliff C~rdon ~rll! have one going in th~ window...See you in ~ few seconds. A~ ~.DSZO) The J~ck Ben~y prog~am thi~ wmek w~s written by ~,~it ~7osefsb~g, Jo~n T~o~bei~y, AI GO~-~OL~ Hal Goldman arld produced an~ tra~scrlbod by .~illls.~d ~a~ka. The Jack Berz~y Program is brought to you by Luc~# 8trik% product og the Americ~ Tobaaco Company -- America's ma~'actu~er of cigarettes. RB
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mo(m~ #9 REVISED SCRIPT AMERICgl~ TOBACCO COMPA~h~ LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK F~NN~ PROC~M scc~cmy~._~ov~Z~ 9~5~.- C~s 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST DH ~ F~01 0189086
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JAC, K BE~ PRGGR~24 SUNDAY, N~R 9, 1952 (TP~CF~B~ 0 ~F~I~ C 0MME~CIAL DON: 01~LINS : CHO R~ ~HEER: DON: GM ~0VE~E: 6, 1952) T~E JAOE B~Nh~/ PROGRAM ... P_~%E~ED :Z LUO!~ STRL~E: Luokies taste bette~4 L~cky Strike m~ans fine tobacco -- Lucky St-~ike ~ans flue tob~cca -- Cle~ne~, f~esh~r, ~mootherg. Lucky, Lucky, Luc~j: Lucky Strike moans fine tobacco ... Lucky Stz,ike means fine tobacco . .. Cleaner, freshe~, smootherf. B~tter get a cs-~tont. Bette~ ~t a ~srton~ today~. Hello f~isnds -- this is Don Wilson ~.. cheeming for Imckiesr bother tast~. And I've go~ the support of lot of smoke~s in oolleges across the net!on, yes, a uation-wlde surge2 in 80 leading colleges, based o~ actu~l student io~rvie~s, ~veais that mo~e smokers in these colleges prsfe~ Luckies than any o~h~r clgaret~e. By ~ wide ms~gln, too' What's more, Luokies gained f~ mo~ smokers than the natien~ ~o othe~ Driuci~l b~uds come!ned. The~e college m~n end women, jus% llke so ma~y of us, pref~ Luokles ,.. the cigarette that tastes bette=- cleane~b f~eshe~, smoothe~. Yes~ Luck£es certainly dO taste better, because LS/MPT ,.. LUO~I Strike m~ns fine tobacco.
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_ m- ...... :~ ~u~~ ~ • ~ ~ ~ • , ~•~ ~ ~ ~ ~.,, . DON: (OONT'D) CHORDS : JACK BNNNY P~DGRAM SD~AY, NOVE~ER 9, 195g (TRA~ISCPd~ NOVE~ER 6, 1952) OPENING COMMERCIAL (C0~'D) And Lucki~s e~i~o t~ste bette~ because they~ ~.~3J~ be~ter. They're packed f!~m end full, to draw more f~oly, smok~ mol~ ev®~ly, e~d give you a Cles~ f~sher, smoother t~ste. So uexb t~o you DHy cigarettes, make !t a carton of Lucky St~ike. I know ~-ou, boo, "vrill find Luckies be~ter taste ~;orth chee~ing aboutL Lucky Stz,lks means flne ~obacco ... Lucky S ~dke meens fin~ tobacco .,. Cie~ne~, freshe~,~ smoothe~~, Bette~ get a carton~, Better ~t a cartont Batter get a carton, todey~. MUSIC: (PROGRAM TI~ME UP ~3D DOW~) DON: The Luc~~ St~,Ike prog~-am, s%~r~ing ... GM ~THO'I O~30BB
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:,o~ ~_~~-- ~ ~ -1- ( FXR~T EOUTINA_ ) (~JFTRN CO~RCL~L, ~JZIC UP AND LV/_~) DON: THE LUCKY STR~ PROCnRAM~ STARRING JACK BEkU~/ .. WITH MARy LIVINGSTONE, EOC~THR, Z~RNIS DAY, BOB CNOSBY, AND "yOURS TRULY" DCN WILSON. (A2PL~HEE .. ,-MUSIC UP AND D£~) DDN: LADIES ~A~D G~ZLEHEN, i~T'S GO EA~4 TO L/ESTERDAY .. A FALF HOZqq BEFORE R~AL. JACK HAS DROPPED IN AT ~E COR~ER DRUGSTORE .. PAND AT THN MOMENT WE FIND I~M SITTING AT TH~ COUNT~ WP/ADING A NEWSPAPER. (SOU2{D: EL~TLE ~)F NK6SPAPER) JACK: 9m~a, here's an interesting item. Accordln~ to a National Survey, in twenty years California will be ~J]e nu~foer one state .. Los Angeles will be the number one City. ~s ~ntiolpatlon of industrial g~Owth t~s ~ade the Cit~- of Lcs Angeles very smug. H/% look at the way theF spell smug - g, M, 0, G .. NO no, they dSd spell it S~ M, N, G .. £ wonder what makes ~v~y eyes wa~er like ~hat ~.. Anyway~ I think it's wonderful tDat -- iRIS: Do you wanna o~de~ now? JACK: Huh? IRIS: You've been sitting on ~hat stool for ten mlnu~es. JAC~m waiting for someone. IRIS: Well, don't wrinkle up that newspaper or we'll never be able to sell it. JACK: I won't, I won't. (SOUND: RUSTLR 0F NEWSPAPHE) DH
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-2- JACK: I wo~der how -- Hm, hereTs an a~tlole that's hard to believe. A famous ~olentist olalms that It won't be long before peopl~ will be living on tD~ ~oon. Hey, tb~t gives me an idea fop a joke for my radio pl~og~am. If people ilve on the moon, pPices will be sky high. [{ey, that's a good joke, I bette~ w~Ite it down. gay hiss, do you have a penc~l. IRIS: i heard it, don'~ bother. JACT<: i d~dn't ask eo? an opinion. I've been a big radio sta~ for zwenty y~ars, and w1~n it con~s to jokes I know wh~t l~m doing. IRIS: Look, I've got o~her cus%omers. Do you wanna order now? JA~: I told you l~m waiting fo~ someone. IRIS: If ~vou,2~ tl~ing to make me jealous~ forget It! JAOK: I'm noz brying to m~ke you jealous .. and ~nyw~y~ ~ fine waitress you a~'e .. I've been ~itting here for fifteen minutes a~d you didn't even bring ~ a glass of weber. IRIS: Okay, okay. J~K: Hm~ she thinks ~he~s snort. I dldn:t like hee when she was a bl~nette~ either, i don~t k~ncw w~v she always .has to plok on - BOB: ( F~iDING rack. JACK: Well, Bob~Y~ve been waiting f~ you .. Sit ~lewn. JACE:/~Bob,*you ve been wi~ mzLc~uple of months n~g ,. are yOU happy being on my show? BOB: l~hh ... it's all ~Ight. JAgK:~z~s yon~ wife happy about it? DK ~YXO! 0~83090
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-3- BOB: ~d~n ,. I guess so. Of course we haven't told the kids yet. JACK: Well, n~ that's ridiculous. I should ~P~nk you'd be proud to tell your '_~ids y0o'~e working for me. BOBi'~J~'m saving that for Chrlstm~s. JACK: ~,~%¥ ? BOB:When they look at me and Bay: "Ds/dy, why didn't we get ~uy toys this year?" . I can tell them whil~-they be~ me-witk-- 5hei~-pogo -s ticks ~ JACK: ~Tna t ? BOB: For the first time in thei~ lives theyl!l know that Scrooge has blue eyes. ~/~ JACK: No~-, wait a ~luute,,I pay yon a v~I nice -- BOB: Jack,--I'm only >~Idding. q~_,/ JACK: Oh. ~. IRIS: Do you wazJne order now? JACK: ~-... yes yes. Now ±ook, Miss, I'll ~ve a club sandwich and .here,s the way I want it made. I want it on -~{_aite b_~ead, slightly toasted, I want the bacon and toe,ate in the lo~Jer ~if ~nd the cblcken and the lettuce i~ the upper half, trim the crusts, cut it in three pa~ts and pu~ a slice of pickle on the top. BOB: ,reii:J o.,t too hu.g.-j .o-... b.t r the~ ~galn .. Oh, Miss -- D}I ~f~Ol 0183091
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-4- IRIS : Yeah'[ BOB: is ib all right if I take sometbN.ng cut? IRIS: Are you klddin~ I Ill go g~t my hat ~nd ~oa~. JACK: He didn't ~an that! Look~ Bob, while you'-~e decldlng on ~hat you ~ant, I'm going over to the d~ug counter to get some ~&ZO~ blade8, BOB: Okay, Jack. (S00~q): FOOTSTEPS .. FPDE) BOB: Now let me see .. m~ybe I should eat sometb~n~ here .. then I ~I~RY: (F~]DI~G iN)~eilo, Bob. BOB: Well, Ma~-, sit down. ~Y: I thought Jack was here. BOB: ~He is, I%e weut over to the drug counter to buy some razor blades. MARY: ( I.AUGH8 ) BOB: What a-~e you laughing at, Mary? MARy: Jack is the only mar! i know who has ~ single edge ~azor and buys double edge blades. BOB: Wh~t does ~ do tl~at for? MARY: Eo cuts bhsm in b~If. BOB: ~b~t a guy. ~ ~%e~rd tha J~ck is the only man in the wo~id who gets l-~s dent~l flo~s retreaded. DH ATMQ'I 0183092
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-5- We~l7-Fob, Jack does b~ve his pecullarlties, but ~he is sweet and ~ tries so hard. itll never forget the first time I went out wlth him. ~Unen he called for me, ! opened the door, and there he stood with the biggest orchid ! ever saw. BOB:~Src~d, eh? Y~J~Y: Ztwas so beautiful I made ~m buy ~ one, (WOPaRZED) him I to]d you. DON: (FADING IN) # M~Y:~Hello, Don. BOB: H'ya, Donsy. DON: Where~s Jack? .co. Don t tell Mary-- Bob --where's Jack? ~fno Sportsmen Quartet and I are looking for BOB: Oh, he's here, he just 8topped over to~bu~om~ razor blades. M~Y:/~Here he acmes now. JACK: (FADI~IG IN) Well ~:.~. everybody's here. DON: (MID) Jack~ the Sportsmen and I D~ve been wai~ing for you at the studio .. you knew they bad a recording date. JACK: Oh, yes, i forget. Don, i know they%~e in a hurry, so lot's go back to the studio and I'll hear the oo~ercial before they ~o. DON: But, Jack, they b~ven't got the time, they havenEt eaten yet~ and they ' re hungry IRIS: ~q~t'!l you have~ boy~? JACK: But Dcn, I've got to h~ar the commercial. IRIS: Boys~ I haven't got all day. DON: 0kay~ fellows, lot Jack ~a~ the con~nercial. IRIS: Fellc~as, what'll you ,have? DH
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(I~-mRO) QUART: -6- BA BA B_~D9-~ ME BAMBINO BA ~A BO B0 BOCU PICCOLIN0 ~JF/~-A YOU -~SS ~ A-I ~M-A KIS-~-A YOU ~RA IA I.% l J_ LA !A IA IA LU BA B~FJ}~ _~4E BAMBINO~ HA BA~ BO B0 J~JST ~AY ~I TTF~N Mh~E IF YOU ,SQUEKZE ~ I 'M-A ZQUEEZE-A YOU -mPA LA LA T_A IA I~. LA I~ LU WE WOULD L_~KE TO MEgZT ~ GUY3 THaT WROTE TI{I~ ~<ILI~ ZON~ WOND~R IF 9HEy I{E~LLIZE THAT BOCHA PIE A BCKIHA YOU ~-~ i~ ]DRIVING PEOPLE @P~I, MING TOY, HOP.&LONG A CHOP-A 5U~ BLING F~ NO0!~E SOUP ~ID ECP~-A FIIEY YOU C_~ SING M06T ~/ WOP~ ¥0U T_~II~ BUT DON'T FORGET TO END ~.. / LUCK~ 3TRrKEIS ~ CZGARE~.TE FOR ME ( MO-~ ) DH f9 T.~{O 9 0'119309g-
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-7- ~UART (CONT'D ZT HIS A BETTER TASTE, !T18 TRUE /~ID ITIS THE 0~LY CIG_~ETTE FOR YOU 50 PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF_ PUFF A I,UCIgf AND ~$" ~'~" "~-~ $' W~a BIN~4 YOU'LL SAY HEY~ ~'Y, SAY, LUCKY STRIKE Y5 Sb~ OK. I~M GONNA BUY k CARTON RIGHT AWAY. A T ' ' Z'LL BOCHA ~ ...~UCI~K STRIKE T0~AY. WE WILL LIGHT A LUCKY IR!~: A LUCKY ~0CHA Ff~ A LUCKY FROM DOWN IN :(ENTUC~Uf iS, MFF~ M~ AT BA BA BA BA ~_C!.'~ A MIA~ A MIA -~SH FTv- A .... ITAS-IN ~TY~RZOR IS SD~ERIGR 3e-F'A~,-~P£y, CO LUCKY ~gRll~ Bays~ i b~cve othel• people ~o wsit on ... Look, fell~,Ts ... Fell~'~, .what ' !i you 'Fel-iows- ... wait a nlinute .., wait a minute ... WAIT A MINUTE. DH RT,~O] 07£~3095;
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(SECOND ROUTZI~]{ ) JACK: JACK: DI~NIS: JACK: DEN~TIS : JACK: DENIalS : -8- IZGHT S~T NOISES AND FOO~_~TEPS) I b~o snesk out like chat and leave Bob and M~ry in the drugstore~ but when that da~e started scPeaming, it was embarrassing... Wel~ j I might as well go in~&ud rehearse. (SOI~VD: MORE FOOTSTEPS b? STEPS...DOOR OPENS) EUBIR: Kello~ Mr. Benny. JACk: l{ell% Harry~ any fan mail? RUBIN: Yes, Mr. Benny, YOU GOT ~C4~T ~C_qOUS~IND :~TTER$. JACK: Harry, l'm alone. RNBIN: Oh...notching. JACK: Hn~. (SOUND: F00TSTE_PS ) JACK: You'd think a% l~=ast I,d hear from my ~ister~..After ~ii, she WOn second p-~ize in th4'I Can't Stand Jack Benny contest. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) (IIUMS ONE STRAIN OF LO~E IN BLOOM) (IN CLOSED PHONE B0(~H~ OFF) ~ TKiT ~SN'T ~J~L I'M MAD ABOUT! iIlrE C©T PLI~NTY TO SAY TO YOU. B~n, the?e~s Dennis~in t~t phone booth. YES, PL~NTZ...I'VE T~/~ AlL THE GUFF ~UT OF YOU I'M GONNA TAEE~ (Hey, tb~t kid's ~sally inad.) OH NO; ~-~U LISTEN TO FZ...! lYE LISteNED T0 YOU LONG ENOUGH. AS FAR AS I~M CONCE~qNED, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LOW, UNDERF~DED DO[~I~-DE~ING CONNIVER. JACK: (Wo,~) MG F~ T ,',~0 ~ 0182096
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-9- UE~IS: 01£, I mOW, YOU PUT IT OVF~ ON ME., .BUT ]i'M C©NNA Z~] TO IT T~_T YOU DON'T T_~KF, ADVANTAGE OF 'iNYBODY ELSE..YOU [~%RD ME ..0H~ SHUT UP! (SOUND: RECBIVER $L~,,~{~ D0~..SLIDIN~ BOOTH DOOR 0PE)IS JACK: (WITH NEW RESPECT) Dennis~ DCKNIS: Oh, hello, M~. Benny. Excuse ~ a minute. (BOUND: TWO BTEPS...DIME BEING DROPPED Ih~fO PH0h~... ONE DIAL..Ih~R CLICK) DENNIS: 0p~ator, MP. Benny is standing right heine, ~-ou ~ust ~ve given me ~he wrong number. JACK: Dennis -- (S0U~O: .~'.~T oImm~G) JAG~-._.. Dennis -- (SOUND~ *,UmK] IIZNN£S:--He}Io~.=(SI~:~-T0 ~I{ISH" ~{9[-'~mf?E--~[--l~-l~ lala Ia-la la, ~-- ,,-,wlsh-you-~-.he~eT- vish--yc~-were -here,-wis~ you w~,e he~e---- JACK: ...... De~is)- who-sine yo~-~Inging- ~o? DCKNIS : [~enny-Baker~,- .... JACK: Dennis, hang up that receiver and come out of that booth~ D~NIS: Yes si~. (NODI~D: ~EO~ DOWN) JACK: Dennis, any tlmm you b~ve somethiD~gg to say to m~, i want you ~o say ~t to r~y ~ace~ 9]~a anyway, ~ don~t know %~hs.t ~ou're complaining about° I~ve treated you well...I~ve l~oked ouz fo,~ youP interests..I~v~ g~ided you...i~ve helped you...I~ve given you advlce...°J~, I,ve even tried to be a fathem to you. MG f~TMO] (.~'1830'~P
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-lO- Dh~NIS: Only on Father's Day. DENNIS: WT~t you'll do for a lousy Lie. JACK: Never ~And. Now, Dennis, when we get in the studi% I want you to run over your ~ong fil'st, becanse_~- MARY: (FADING IN) Oh, Jack -- Jack -- JACK: Yeah? I~[~Y: Jack, I've got to bell yol~ th~ most wonderful ,-Z~ BOB: (MODESTLY) Oh~ ~z~'. MARl: Now. Bob, dcn~t be so modest. MARY:Z/~ Bob's b~en on your program ooly ~on~weeks~ and look at that sack of fan .mail he got. JACK: I see it, I seo it. BOB: I even gct a letter from your sister ~rom Chicago. JACK: Hm~. Ccme on, let's get in the studio. (SODZVD: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPh~S) JACK: Okay, fellows~ quiet down,we're gosna start rehearsal. 5 Dcnnis~ l~ve ~-ou go~ t~ £~nsfc ~o you~ - De~rlic~ whey@ ~e you going? DENNIS: Back to the phone booth. JACK: ~n~ ~) DEN]~IS: To see if ! can get anothe~ w~ong n~aber, I~m in a flghtin~ LUO O~, JACK: Now, out that out, and let me hear ye-cr-~ H~m~n . .. ~t clock ou the wall is that the right ,time? MG
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-Ii- MARY: yes, it's one thirty .+. +~ny? JACK: Oh, for heaven sakes, i thought i ,d ~ve time to finish J rehearsal before i go to my doctor's office. MAEY: What do you D~ve t~ go to yo~r doctorrs for? JACK.'~I bad a check up. ~ few days ~go and everything is finer but I want to see ~I X~I~Y pictures a~d the doc~o~ ~ants to give 11~ a couple of v-'.te~1o shots. It'll only t~+ke ~ little wP~le. MARY: You want me to drive you over? JACK..'~Rochest~r has tl~ ca-~ in ~he parkJr+g Iot, so heL!l drive me dow~. MARY: 0k~y. I 'l! go with yo~. JACK: ~. Thanks.~. De~ngs, you rehearse your song. Wetll be back soon. ~DENNIS'S SONG -- ~.OZTZ', T~ SNOW~N') (APPmU~E) MG 0183099
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(THIRD ROUTI I,~ ) (SOUND: KOCH: JACK: ROUH: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCH: M~Y: JACK: ~y: HOCK: JACK: MARY : JACK: JACK: -12- STF~ NOIS~...0939 C~]INO ALONG...A~T0 HORN) ~.RE klYJ AND ~BS Im-VINGSTO~ C0~ORTABLE BACK THERE, BOSS? 7esj th~nk you...But Rochester, tbf[s back seat see~is to be highe~ than usual and w~ keep slidiDg for~;ard...Hhy is that? ]~]{IL, I PUT S0~ BIG TRUCK TI-~ ON TFi RI]&R \~EI~ AND SMALL TIRES 0~ T~ ~0~ ~#[~EI~. ~,{hat,s tb~t fo-~? TO ENCOURAGE T~ MOTOR. IT T!~NEB "~fEIP~ COASTING CO~gf P~I~L. ]{ell, tb~t~s the silliest thing I ever heard. You~r~ always tl~ying to fool the motor. "Wt'~ B0~S~ LAST k~N~I~q Y<~ "~ ,7~91E ~ ONE WHO }~T ON FISH-TAlL FENDERS S0 FEOPLE a0UI~ Ti{I~q< :J~ 7~AD A CADILLAC. Jack, did you ~eally pup on fish-tall fendePs? Zeah. Did it fool ~uybody? ~0 PEOP~E, ONLY FISH. Oh, stop m~klng things up....and hurry, I want so get to the docto~Is office. S~y ~lac~, I didn,t want to embarrass you in f~ont of the gang~.~rT~ow e~bou~ paying me the ten dollars you owe me on the eleotion bet. The what?? Oh yes~,,uhe e]eetion Bet...it slipped my mind... i meant to We it to you. Oh, sure, sure....slipped your mind....Come on, give me hhe ten dollars. Ok~y...here it is. f9 ],WO 1 O183'100
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-13- YARY: Tbanks....tha~ takes care of the Hoover electicn, now how about tDls one? JACK: Ma~y, I'll pay you when the results al, e definite...Afte~ ~l.~th~y-eould -- :,oehesDer, slow down, that light on the c,J~,ner is turning red. ROOR: DON'T I~0RRV-, DY TB~ TI~ ~CE REACH IT, IT'LL ~E GP~!'I AGAIN. JACK: Nmmm]..Anyway, we turn here~or ~ my doctor's office. ROC~: YES, SIR. cAR JACK: You know, ~,ry, I've b~en thlnl~Ing...It seres t[~t every time I ~o to { docto:o o~hospit~l re±' ,% check-~p Or ex~mir~tlon~ you'l~e alwmys ~.~ith me .~.it's awfully nice of you. MARY: Itls not a mP_tte~ of bein~ r~ce, Jack....I ~ve Do be with you when you ~o Zor ~edical exahTL%~tlons in case you need me. JACK: Need you? MARy: ye~...how you ever got t~ Transfusion clause in ny contract : ~ll never !-now. JACK: My agel]t thinks Of everything...Anyway, this time ::m only goln~ to get a vloav~n shot. (S~I~D: CAR CS~:NG TO STOP) _POCH: I-,~RE YCU ARE, I~. B~d~Y. JACK: T~nk you, Rochester....Uatch your step. l~my. (Sd:ND: NOISES OF ~TTING CUT OF OAR. ) ROCH: MR. ~hTYf~ %~I~ yCU <RE IN TITE D~CTOR'S OFg~I~E, I~LL G0 TO TEE ,VAHKST_ AEE DO Ti<~ SHOPPING.
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-15- Are you cu~reatiy employsd? JACKr~; ~s~ i am. BE& :_ • - A~d-no~'oT-~ 7uur fi~i~l st~t~s... 2~h~ is¸¸ your bar£< JAC "K:~ ..... Well ~ .. ~t~RK=_ ¥oih.batte~. ~e~ another pencii~_nurse. JAS~¸~ ~M~, pi~s~ .... BEA : JACK: BEA: JACK: BFA : JACK: BFA : JACK: JAOK: BEA: JACK: BEA: ~ACK~ BFA: JAOK: ~ .... e~.ll--go-on~ao-~ne.n~xt ques~ion~--o~O~ tall al-e you? YOUr weigh~ ? One sixty-f lye. YO'~T ~ge ? T'ni~ t y-nlne, Tb~r~y-~ne...Now~ 2,!r. B~nny~ h~ve you ever -- Just a minute, Nurse...! happened ~c nohlce on you~ de~k you W~ve another chart and the age is al~o marked zblrty-nine. ~LS S. ~.4ho~s o[~r~ is that? G~andma Moses, Oh. Now, Grandpa -- I mean, Mr. Benny. ,.where were we? Look nu-~se, I haven't gob much r, lme...I want ~c see D~_. Stevens. Well~ he~S ~3gy t~ow, gout!I_ h~ve to wait.,.oit over there by that gentleman in th~ corner. Oh,..i~ l~is appointment ahea~ of mine? /9T>~:01 0183'~02
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-16- BEA: Oh, he's not ~sitinz to see ,Or.. Stevens, he -~s ~n ~ppointment ~ith on# psTcb±~trist. JACK: E~...psychla~rist...he isn't vielens, is be? BE&: ~ F~,T from it...in fac% b~ 's very gentle...he tD&nk~ be's ~ rabbit. JACK: (MAD) Hmm...Come on, Mary, let's sit down. MARY: J&ok, w~t are you so mad about? JACK: That smelt alec nurse trying to kid me,..~ z&bbit...that man look~ just as morm~l &s Y do. MARy: Jack, there isn't room for both of us to sit on ~ne sofa. JACK: ~es zhe~e is~ Ma~y...i'll ask ~im to move over..,(UP) P~don ~EL: T . TSK TSK~ I~, ~AT'S UP, DOC? JACK: ~ ..... Gosh-...?ou ~ally do ~hink you re a p~bblt. MEL: Ye~h, JACK: Where do you live? MEL: Oh, I have ~ c~ce little hutch in Brentwoca. JACK: t-~mm...MarS,, mow over. WePI tell me, Miste~ did you ~%lw~ys thank you t~e#e a rabbit? ~-~L: No...no...up until last week i tAou~h~ i w~s ~ turkey. JACK: Up until l~st week? ~hat made you stop being ~ ~u~key? J I~EL:, It's so eloae ~o Tbanksglving, they turned me down for llfe Ir±su~oe. JACK: Y~L: JACK: ME : JACK: JC 0~. I wanted double indemnity. I see. With cranberry s~,uce. Well, that's th~ only w~y to have it...Anyw~y, maybe ycu'~e bettsr off being a rabbit. F~THO 1 0~83103
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Yeah ... W~Ii, I can't wait any loner for that psychiatrist.. • .~uve-go~ an-~ppointmen~ in surger~ for an oL~rat~on. JACk: --W~t ~k~nd cf ~n op~ration? MEL: i L'~ g~t_~$a_~ve_my. ~ans trimme£,_ i fee! self-ccnsci~ ... TN~-~S~ TSK F CO0 DBYE, DOC. (5Ot~: ~:'0i~ CLOSES) JACK: Of all %he silly ~ys...thinking he~s a ~abbit...scme De~ple (SOUND: IN~ER-0FZICE BUZZER...CLICK) BEA: Yes, Doctor@'~Very well~ slr~ I'll ~end in ~b~ nex~ p~si~nt... IZ's Mr. Benny,..What?,...No~ it's ~-~my, Bunny just ]eft .... Yes si~. (SOUND: CLICK) BEAt Go ~izht in~ M~. Benny...lh~. Nelson will see you now. JAOK: _Dr_. Nelson? Dr. Stevens is my docGor. BEA: ~eil, he's in surgery ~_ow so Zm. Nelson will take ce~re o@ you. ~CE: Oh....whe~e is b-~.s office? B~l~: Right down the h~ll...jtu~.pas.t~h~-~e~niDy..ogf~e. JACK: Thank you...Iql b~ ~ight back, Mary, (ZOUND: ~£0R OPENS...CLOSES...FOOTSTEPS ALCNG }~J~L) HEARN: HI l~ RDT~E. JACK: Huh? HEARN : Remember me? JACK: Oh yes¢~.you~e the fellow from Calabasas. ~ihat ~re you doin< ? he z,~ ? }[EARN: Hadda rush my wife to the doctor, she~ gonna b~ve a baby. JC
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.TACK: A baby! Say, how many kids b~ve you got :low? H~ARN: T~s will be the sixteenth. JACK: Gosh...slzteen .kids.. ,~Qnat are ~hci~= ~.ames? HEARN: Well, there,s Albert, ~iram, Ella, Julius, i~thryn~ Jeanettej ~ertram, ~erman~ bl~8 0ross, ~ow~rd -- JACK: Wait a minute, wait a z~nute...you...you named one of your c~Idren Blue Cross? H~ARN: Yap, my wife's been in the hospital so m-oor~ we felt we ~wed them s one tbLing ~ JACK: Oh, oh~ oh....Ss/y, with such a l~rge fami.Lyj you mus~ b~v~, a p~etty big farm. ~IEARN: Sue of tb~ biggest in Calabasas. JACK: WT~t do you ~aise there? !{EARN: Albert, .~i~am, Ella, Jmlius -- JACK: i mean besides them...What ~.nd of crop do you gu~ow on yov~ farm? !{FARN: Well, the whole place is a big vineyard...we grow nothing b-~t grape s. JACK: Grapes? ~q~ARN: That's right, Rube, I p~ess my own ~ine, too.. ,gc~ the happiest feet in town. Face is, my wmole family's always been in t~e ~Ine making bus~ness...l~n~t's ~ow my Door Uncle F~ank died last ~ear ... he drowned in a v~t of wine. JACK: Oh, that's terrible~..didn't any of you ~ry to rescue bXm? _~ARN: Yep. bnt he fought us off...Well, i better be getting back in the waiting~Poom...So long, Rube, /~,,~-~. JACK: So long/ ~m-~ ~ . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS....SUSTAIN IN B.G.) JC RT'~O 7 O'l P, 3 ~05
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-!9- JACK: Some day I mu~t a~k him why he keeps oallir~ me Rube ~.. Oh h~re ~s Dr. Nelson's office. JACK: Oh doctor ... dootor .., NELSON: ~SSSSSBZSBSSS. JACK: Doctor, i~m Jack Benny ... I was told bo see you. NELSON: b%7 da the7 always ::ome to me at the last minute. • JAO~: -~-Loe~-you-don~t ~rc~e~s~and_ T-,m net your patient...i'm one of I k~w, ~oD!re Dr. ~t~on!s D~tieD.t,_and ]~ [lave r~o take ca~e NELS0_~L~_y~.~_and iz~'s ~he &as~ ~ime i-ever-be~ on am ~!ection. JC R] HO'~ O ~ 8~9 '106
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-20- JA@K: .... L~Dk, r dlduF5 come here to Ls insulted ... I want to ses NET~%G~: - ¥~u~Gsm I.t-~k..-he Is-.~-~urgery ~ak~g out =~ -ap~e~d~ JACK: ..... Whc~e ? JACK: ..... Wh~ in_:2a~_~Id, wo~id Dr. Stevens t~k~ ~u~, hi~ o~n the -act~ JACK: _~f~t~.~ham ..... Now look, I c~me here t~ have a vitamin shot. C-ire it to me so -- can go. NS~IS@N: Yes ... now just a minute ... I ~ant t~ te~t ~y hypodermic t~ s~ t/zat ti~e ~edle isn't stopped up. (SOUND: A LONG S~EADy $%TJIR~ZD S~I~AM OF SELTT~N ~NT0 A PAN ~0ES ~ ~g3 ~ ~D ON1 ~[ELSON: ......... Now 1 Im ~ady for you. JACK: ~4alt ~ minute, doctor ... yourr~ ~ot g1~r~g to g~ve ~ a shot witch ~hat needl~ -- why have you got such ~ bi~ one anyway? NEI~0N: I~m nearsighted and I don't want to miss. JACI<: Now just a second doct~ ~- N~I$ON: Oh~ szoD bein@ such a Naby ... roll up your s±esv~ i~i: give you ~ba shot ... tt won't h~rt a bit ... Z pr~miss. JACI{: Well...all right ... ?b_ers, m7 sleeveEs lip. NEL80[~: 0k~y ... here goes ... vm~re you are. JAOI~: Ouch! ... Oooooooooooh ... Doctor~ it did hurz ~en 7ou -- But wa~t a minute ... I do fee! beDter alreadT. 5~,$, Doctor, w~t vihamins did you inject me wi~h? D.0.F.R.B. T_K R T:~<O 'i 0'I 83 't OP
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]~LSON: dACK: NELSON: -21- D.O.F.R.2? ~at¢s ~±at? Dad's <~id Fas~±ioned Root Bear. Wh~t? I~m sort it ~urt~ but fihe io~ ~ea~! go~ 8t~ck in the JACK: WBII, th~'~ the mos~ ~Idicuious thi~ i ever heard. T~ll ooze b~o~ to1~orro~ ,~I@~ ~y ~$~ul~r doctor is h~B. (P.FPLAUSE AND PT~YOFF) TK
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JACK: ~DON: friends, the eplaemlc of forest fires thrcughout the country points Llp this sobering fact. Because most area~ of the count~g haven,t had a soaking rain for many ~Teeks... ~he fire ~zard is still t~emendous. Remember - ou~ woodlands are more than scenic playgretu:ds - they're valuable natural resources - indlspensable to ou~ nation,s defense. So...be extra careful out of doors - wi~h fire ~n auy fo~. Drown or crush out every spa~k - for only :o~ c&n prevent forest flres! Tharlk you. (AP2:aU::) Jack will be b~sk in jus~ a mcmunt, b'Jt first...
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TKE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SbqfOAY, NG~v-~H 9~ 1952 CLOSING COF~ CIAL DON: COLL~NB : DON: ~L (T~AI~CRIB~ NOVIMB~ 6, 1952) Jac~ will be bacX in ,~ust a mome~t~ but first ~., Luckies t~st~ bette~ Lucky Strike mesns fine tobacco --- Lucky 5tri~e means find tobacco --- Ole~ner, ,-~-esher, smootherL Luc~~, LuckT, Luo~J~ Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ~.. ,.i Lucky Str~ke mea~s fine uob-cco C!e~ue~ fresher~ smoother~ Bette~ g~t ~ ~on~ B~tter get a co.teaL Better get a ca~ton~ todayL And you can ~dd~volce to that~ A eousing cheer for L~icki~s, in ~,etu~n fo~ ~l! the ~me~Ing che~T £~ckie$ ~e giving mil!!ons~ And all because Luc~les taste bette~ ,.. Clean,r, fPeshs~, smoother. They give you the better t~ste of fine. mild tobacco. R~member, LZ/~T - Lucky ~t~i~e ~e~}}. fine tobacco, kl~% i~e~tes give you the bette~ t ~- ~sue of ~ better-m~de cigarette, ~at~s Tight~ Luckies ere made to give ~rou that clean~, fre~he~, smoother t~ste s~oke~ over.here like ~o ~ll. T~e college ~tudents~ fo~ exa~p!e. A natlon-wide survey in 80 leadi~4~ no!loges, based on actUal student !~te~vle~s, ~e~eals ~h~t mo~e smokers I~ these colleges prefer Luc~ies than any other cigarette. The su~e[ also shows that Luckies gained~ ~= ~o~e smo~e~s th~n ~he nation's two other princlp~l brands combined. ~'? Bette~ t~ste~
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JACK B}~NY PROG~£M SUNDAy, NOV]94BFR 9; 1952 fTBANSCRIBED NOVKMBHR 6~ 1952) Ci,OSI~G COI~E[~CIAL ~CO[qT~D) DON : (COHT' o) SPORTS~ QUARTET : Bette~ taste is the ~umber oIle reason the students gave for smoking Lucki~s. Aad Luck~es, better ~as~e will give you the ~ea], doep-down ~mo~lug enjoymeu~ you ~aut lu your cigarette. So be happy -~ go Lucky... Ma~e your next earto~ .., Lucky Stri~e~ Be Happy -- Go l~cky Go Imc~- Strike today~ (LONG CLOSE) SL [}{OI OIB311 ]
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(TAS) -23- (SO~: CAR GOING) JACK: Did you get all yo,~r ~uopptug don% Rochester? RCC~T: YES BOSS. HO~.~ DID YOU M~ OUT AT ~KE DOCTOR'S? JACK~ Fine, fi~e. _Rochester, maybe o~ the way home we should -- LOOK OUT ! (SOOUND: SC~ECH OF BRAKES...~-~H~... ~EI~S~--FA~ING¸ oFF, ETC~--¸ -~ ~_j~ . JACK: Q~et~ow~ i~m sorry ~e rap into you. ~.~-o~r -~8~It. (~¢~Y)-~ '~ ~i~Tt~7~J~r~h~t ~ ~c~t~ j ~ ~ ~a~ ~g~~ ~-~ JACK: G~o~ c~-~..~~ ~ Come-o~-~o~he~e~-let~go. (~2smss ~vo MUSZC] . . ~ . 7.. DON: The Jack ~eu~ =~ogrsm is wr[tfau b2 S~ P~22iu~ ~,~i].t Josefsber~, C~org¢ Balzerj John* T~ckaherr2 aud p2oduoe~ &~q& t~cribed l~j Htllta~d Marks. The Jack Benny Pro~r_a~ is b~ought bo you by Luok-~ St2tk~ -- p~,oduct of the Ar~toan Tobacco ComDany -- America's ~eadlu~ ~suufaotu2er Of cigarette~. ~h ~K f~l~01 0183'112
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PROGI~ #I0 REVISFL9 SCRIPT SIINII%Y, NOVF&~R J.6~ ]'f92 CBS (T~NSCRIBED NOV. 12,19~ ) }4:00 - ~:30 PM PST ~{ r,~< o 'I O 1 8 3 "! 'I 3
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SUNDAY, NO~ER 16~ i992 !$f~ ~NZCRIBED NOV-£~BER 12, 1952) OPENING O 0MMERD i~/5 DON: THE JACK B~q~ ?~OGRA~ . ... T~I~CRIBED .~2~ P~S~ BY LUOK-Z. 8T PJ/4~ cOr~LINS: Luokies taste better:. CHOH~S: Lucky Strike m~sns fln~ tobacco -- Lucky Strike me~us fine tobacco -- Cleane~, freshe~, s~oother~ Lucky, Lucky, Lucky: Lucky Strike me~ms fine tobacco .., Lucky Sb~ike .m~ns fine tobacco ... Clean, r, freshe~, smoothem: Better get a csmtonl Better get a csrton~. Better get a ca±,hon, tod~yr. DON: Hello friends ... this is Don Wilson. you know, tha~ college chee~ mgp~esents s ]or of s_mok~ eheem b~-~-.~_w cempuses all over the countrY. Yes, indeed ... bsceuse a nation-wide su~ey, based on actual student interviews in 80 feeding coll~ges, reveals thet mo~ smokers in these oclleges pzefe~ Luckies than any other cigarette, But that's not all. The survey also shows Luckles ~alned f~ mop.re smokers then the n~tlon~s t~4o otb~ pmincipal b~ands comblned~. MO~O ~mportant still~ the ~eason most often given by the students fop smoking Luckles was....Luokles~ bette~ t~ste~. Yes, Luokies d__~o ~sste bott~, because LS/MFT -- Luoky Strike means fine tobacoo .... fine, ~lld~ Sood-tas3~ tebsoco. And Luokles are made better ... mode round, a~d fi~m, end fully peeked, to taste 91e anew, freshe~ s~oothe~~. So zske yot~D ns/.t Ce~to~ Lucky Str±ke and ~joo'll ag~ree..LueklesI bette~ ~aste is somethin~ to chee~ about:
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sm~o~x, NOW_r,SER 16, 3.952 (Ti~SOm~ED N~E~ER 1~, 1952) OP~KNC CO~S~OIAL - (oo:.~im~m) CHORUS: Lucky Stmiko means flno tobacco ... Luck~ Stmike means fine tobacco ... C!eanor~ fresher, smoothemI. Bettem get ~ ca~ton:. Rettsr get a oa.~ton~. Bettem set 8 ca±~to~, today:. MUSIC : (P {OGRAM T~ UP _~ DO~) DON: The Lucky Strike pl~ogmmm stal,~ing ...... J A]-~01 ~]183115
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-I- (FIRST ROTITINE ) AJY~R CO~AZRCI6_L, ~SiG UP AND DOWW) DON: T~I~ LUCKv TRTi~ ~ROC, RAI4, STAR~ING ~ACK B~-~..~} ~ARY LI~JINSSTON~, ROCHESTER, ~L~NNIS P~Ys BOB OROSBY6 .~D r~!OURS ~ TRULY" EON I,,~ILSON. (AppLAusE...XUSIC UP AND DD%~) DON: LADIES AND OENTLEViEN...IT ~S MORNING lt£ ~EVEREY ~ ANUD AS ~,e'~ LOOK IN ON T~E BENNY ~iOUS~i_Ol~, b~ FIND ,IACK TCST ENTERING ~ Y~TCH~. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) JACK: _~mmm...Rockestev must have overslept again....i~ii go wal<e him up and have him fix my bteakfl&st .... I don't k~ow why it is, but evs~y time i give ~m a day off, t~ uext mo~ning h~ owrsieeps... Timis is the second time i~.s b~ppened this Tsar. Oh well, I might as well let him sleep and fix breakfast myself... Now ietr~ s~e .... Whsre does Rconests~ ksep thm coffee .... I'!i tPy this onpboard~,~_~_~. (SOUND: CupBOARD OPENiNg) JACK: No. ,it's filled wltn Ideal Dog Food...l'!l try thls one .... (SOL~D: CUPBOARD OPENING) JACK: No, this one~s filled with ~deal Dog Food, too...Mayb~ it's in t[~d-s cupboard. (SOUND: CUPBOARD OPENING) ,TACK: }~imm...moNe Ideal Dog Food...There's na doubt about it... !'!i eisner have to get e, dog o~~ stop msntionin~~ progre~n ..... Well, I can't find ~Le coff~e...i'll just keve (SODq~D: ~OTSTEFS...DOOR OVENS.. ,MORE FOOTSTNPS. ,. DOOR OPENS) ~TH01 0183116
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-2- ROOH: JACK: RocbesZer, it's time to get up. JACK: ~ Rochester...get up. ROCH : ( SNORES ) JACK: Hmm....I'll take tills feathe~ ~uster ~nd tickle i~s Gnin. (SOUND: SWISF~ING 0~ FF~.Th~R DUSTER) ~ F~~ ROCH: (~IGGLES) ~i~ Ii~E ~, HOllY, YCU SURE GOT LONG ~qASKES. JACK: @~o~-ha&~ ~akaa_ .ROCHESTER. GET U~! ROCH: (INTERRUPTED $NOP~E) XDZ{~..~T...OH, IT'S YOU, ~. BEI,~Tf! JACK: Yes, itrs m~ T want my b~eaki~st. ROCH: (YAWNING) I'LL GET ZT ... GOSH BOSSj I'M BORer YOU WO~ ME UP WHEN YOU D~ .. I WAS HAVING THE M0~T WO~E~D~ DREAM~ JACK: I know~/.~ dreaming about a~-_~3.. ROCE: ~f~.aH, WE WERE C-0NNA GET MAR&IED AND YOU OF~ ~ A FI~-TY DOLLAR P~qlSP ° JACK: 4~u£1fty dolY4r ~aise? ROCK: UE HU]{ . o. AND ~--JSrf AS YOU -~EE Q-~fIB] IT TO [~, YOU ~TOI~E Y~ JACK: Oh. ROCH: ?HAT'S ~I~ TEi~ TYa~E IT'S HAPPEI~ID. J&CK: I kuow~ you tolo ~ae. DH Rr>fO1 O1837 ~?
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-3- ~CB: ONCE i D~E~ YOU WEEE CDTTING ~f S~-LAHY~ .aND YOU (BT UZ S ~LEEP TILL FOUR IN THE AFTBF~OON. J~ JACK: It ~¢as just a colncid~nce...Anyway~ h~w-~me-Z~ ~s--!~e thin~ moTvzi~rg? / RODK~ I'M SORer, BOSS, BUT L~ZT NIG~ SO~ FFXE~S OF MINE GAVE ~N A PA~_...you I~NOW~ HESTE_,~DAY W~ M~ BI~HDAY. 7 / JACK: _ ~oW by the ~ay, Rochester...how old az~ yo~ a~sy? ROCH: THIRTY~NrN~. 7Aft: Rochester~ow oan you Say that?...when you,~ame to ~o~g for me twelve yg~-~ ago, you were thirty-eight' P~OH: NO, BOSS, YO_~U WEF~T~IRTY EIG~, I W~ THIF~f SEV~ JACK: All right, all ~ightf.<Now humor5 ~t~ at~ get me my - oh, for "\ / -P]eeV@NS sg~8 S. / W~{AT'S THE K~TTER, BO~S? K \ What a mess your room is...all~ou~ olothe~ tb~own ove~ that ch~iv...Why don~t yg~ hang them i~the closet? i CAN'T. / ,, Why not? /~ ', / \x IT' S FLV~a/OF IDEAL DOG FOOD Oh thst~,~ right...l forgot, "\ f~D B~SS, TT~ 3U~ WAS A ~!-CE BI~UZA~ C~ YOU ~NCLOS~D / \ ~a~ig~...I wrote thah poem ~self...AnYway, ! .... ", / / (SODND: DOOR BUZZER) / // ROCH: JACK: ROCB: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCK: JACK : JC
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I~!l answer the doer, Rochester ,. You get dressed and make JACK: ~ breakfast. ROOK: -v~s SIR. (SOUND: FOOTSTEP5 .. TB~N STOP) JACK: Hello, Polly. ME~,: (WI~MPER5 ~ND $QUA~F~5 SADLY.) JAOK:~--Youlre still sulking, huh, Polly? ~L: ( ~HIIVAPE RS AGAIN) (SOUND: DOOR BGZZEN) JACK: Coming, co~i~g. (hOUND: FOOTSTEPS .. DOOR OPENS) MARY: Hello, Jack. JACK: Oh~ Ma-~Y ,.. (SOUND: M_~HY: JACK: MAR~/: JACK: ~ARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARS: COW On in. DOOR CLOSES') I was just talking to your neighbors the Colman~s. Oh, Ronnis aP~ Bonita? Yes. As I ~essed their house, Bonita ~es sweeping the porch and Sonnie was cleaning the lqindows. Bonita ~nd Rennie were doing bhsir o~m housework? Yes~ then told me their butler quit. Their butle~ quZ% ... wh~ They said they haEs be live next to you, he dossnTt, He;!l b8 back, he's fun awsy b~fore. ®"l" Oh ne_.Lo, Polly. DH ATMOI 0183~'{9
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-5- JAOK: She still feels blue, Mary. J,~0K: ~w come on, i~s oearlytwo weeks...Yeu~ll get ever it. MAEZ: t'b~t's ~!g~t, Pollyl end it'll help if you take off that Stevenson button. JACK: Yes...Now come on, cheer up, polly. ROOH: (OFF) 'WHAT WOD~D YOU LIKE FOR BEE2~F~ZT~ BOSS? JACk: (C~S) Some o~ange juice, bacon ~nd eggs, and ccffee. ROCH: (OFF) I'M SOPdTf, BUT WE'K~ ALL OUT OF EC~}S. JACK: We ca~~ t be, ROCH: (OFF) COME LOOK FOR YOU~SELF. JACK: Excuse me a minute, Ma~. ( SOU~D : FOOTSTEPS ) JACK: Wha~ a butler...sleeps late...doesn't know where ~nything is... EOCH: lIVE LOOKhD ~qERYW}~HE, BOSS...~ZD THERE AKE NO EC~S, JACK~----- ~Y~e--sggs~- ~'-~-~.~-.f~he~e-u~-crm ~ 5-r~i~-~-e~f- you. JACFz- -~az~e~--egg? ~Ig~TNG-~ JC ~qT;~fO "t 0183120
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.... r -5- (SQUAWKS A~ WHI~TI~S) Come on, Pcl~_~.o.~esk...~ko ~_MA~Y; Jack, w~t have you been Seed~mg t~i~ bt_~5~? JACK: (LOOKS AT Ab~N~) .... It wa~nlt my fauZt, ~be hsppened to MA~Y: What? jACK: Nothlng~ ~o tblng °.. ~~-~S .~? JACK~--- Ma~t-~eed-~o~'~, ~e~i~d~-~t two.,, ~0~: DOOR E~aZ~R1 (s0-u~): o00~ O£Z~]5) JACK: Oh hello, Dennis. DENNIS:~HeI!o, Mr. Bency ..... He~\o, Ma~y. K~ De~nis.. ,Wh~t ~! you doing a~oucd here? JC O18:'] 12t
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-7- D~NYS: ~I~m thinking of moving...live been !ookln4 at houses all day. JACK: Oh, yo~ want to buy a house? D~T~NI~: yes...how much wollld you t~ke fo~ this one? JACK: ~Don~t be silly, Dennis...my house isn't fo~ sale. DEh~I5: I ~%ow, but if it ~ere_ for ss3_e, ho~ much would yo~ take? JACK: We].l~.~et ine seekings in the be~t part of Beverly ~ills ~I ~ve ~--l~ge-~le~ of l~nd...tweivs rooms...swlm~i_ug pool...Oh, Y'd ask about a hundred thousand dollars. DEbrIS: I ~;otcldn't ~ve this d~mp if you ~ve it to m~. JACK: Look...De~nis...I don't want ~ny trouble with you. You gsked me how much nty house ~;as worth...~nd i told you hund-~ed 5housand do-,l~r .... DENNIS: Does the price ~nclude the Venetian blinds? JACK: Yes...also the d~apes and~ca~pets. Pa~ w~or~ with the house you're living ~ noN?,..You just moved in. DEhq~lS: I ~qow~ but it's too inconvenient. JACK: Inconvenient? D~IS: yeah, in orde,~ ho get to the bedroom you ?'~ve ho go through the furnace, JACK: Well, that I~%~ ~nde~sta~d ~t ~ll. MARy: Dennis, ~h~t k~l%d of house are you looking fo~ now? BR ~-1T,~07 0'1~3122
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-8- DENNIS: Oh..a sort of ~ z, anch bcuse~fever~thing on one floor. MARY: ~[ow many ~.ooms? D~N~S: krell~ I'd like two bedrooms, a dan, a living room, end kitchen. JACK: Now about a baZh? DENNIS: No thanks, I had one this morning. ,JACK. do I always get ~rapped into these things...Mary talks to h~/n~ ~h~ g~s s ~nsible answer...i ~8k ,~ Sensible question...what do I get..Abbott end Costel!o. ~/~f: Dennis, ~re you just looking for e house in Beverly Hi]ls? D~4~,~IS: No.. hhey're so ha~ to ~ind. i~ve b~en looking eve~/whez~.. HollYWood, Burbank, Enclno, Brentwood..but I h~ven~t been able to find one. MI~: l{esily'? D~N~IS: So now I'In going to Z~z to find ~ hoase in Washington D.C.. ~i~/: Washington, D.C.? Dennis, whir in the wo-~id would you-- JACK: 'e bad enough that he traps me..i'm not gonna let him make a fool out of ~eu...Denni~, let ~ hoar the song you're going ~o do on this week's p~ogrsm. DNTNIS: Yes si~. MARY: But Jack, I want ~o Imow ~hy in the world he would go ~o "dashlngton, D.C., to look for-- JACK: Ma~ plesse..l'm doing this for your own good..ging, Dennis. DENNI : Okay. (DENNIS'S SONG -. "LADy OF SPAIN") ( A~ ~LAUSN ) t~T;~O~ C ~8B ~23
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~, FM01 CII8312,~
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JACK: I did., .l~gine, their ten thousandth broadcast! j ~-~-~-#% heven't I boon on that long? MARy: No Jack, it just seems tb~t ~ay, jAOK: wel@ ~ morn your ~erm~ion -- (SOUND: ?HO~E RINGS) JACK: There's the phone, Excuse me a m~;mte. MARY: Well, I gotta be running along, JACK: ........ J~st-%e~l-blm i ean*t use ar~tb~-sc~nd eflfeats~mau. JACK: BOB: ~ACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB: -iO- ~a Ma~7~ (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES...PHONE RINGS A~-N...FOO_STEP~., RECEn~_a U~ ) Hello. -~l-lo~ Jack. k~ao is this? Bob C~osby. Oh hello, Bob...I didn~t recognize your voice., .~t is it? Wel~., l~m h~vlug ~ flew of the hoT~ ~ve~ feb~ ~, f~lend~ ~ne of poker tonight, and 1 thought~yo~igh~ join us. Well..e-%..what st~kes do you plat .o~? Five mud ten./~.~. / Five and ten?¢~ That's a little too steep 2oF me. No no, Jack, not five eaad ten dollars.. ,five and ten centsz JACK: ~/~m-het s Nh~u I thought you r~_eant...Well Bob~ who's golng to be ~n tb9 game? BE
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/2- 4 -.ll- BOB: Just ac~ of the musloi~.8",~ .Bagh~f, Fletcher, he:riley, $~im~y the d~ummer, Kimick, amd Arturo Toscanini. JACK: Amtu~o Toscanini?..Do you mean.. BOB: ~ No, this is another one. Pie slaps th8 bass fc'2 Wi.qgy Y~OZ}e. JACK: Oh. BOB: It confuses 8ver~body. JACK:7~<~; should imagtue. I BOB: Well, how about it,l~,TacK...a~e-you}~- ~o~ing o~'~r? ~. JACK: Weil~ I denit ~-no~ght drop around for some laughs. BOB: (9ood~ we'll be p~aylng out by the poo!....We'!lCbe h~ our ur~qks. swi~uing ~ * :TACK: Wait a minute, Bob, wonEt tD" ~ be cold ~--n nothing but t~unks? BOB:Yeah, but they ~on*t play cards with each other wearing ~nything that ~s pockets or sleeves. JACK: Oh...~oulve caught oli to thss~ guys a.lready.~ BOB: Youire not kidding...tme-~at_time-Z-r~..them o;~e_~e_~'I for_.~_aa2cLgame_._ahout mid~ight,_Rezleyls_otu~f_]/~qk br.oke JACYC: .......... ~o~.~ BR R]M01 0983126
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BOB: ~- I chou~iY~ ohe soup ~ou~een ~s a mus~le, JACK: -i2- Ho~ _~o_~,ou---~ike ~t~t .Well, Bob~ maybe I~ii d~op o'~e~ ~veo ~f it's just fg~, ];aughs. ~OB: Okay~ Jacl~ f~J see ?ou later . .. s~. JACK: So lo~g, Bob. JACK: ~/%~t do you mea~? BO~,: WS!I~ hc -*as over to se~ me last ~iEllt and he wants to buy K1y ~OUS6, ~TAOK: Did ~3 o['feT ~U a Zood p~'ioe? 50B: Yes, but I turned it down. JACK: Why? BOB: e wanted me to tnoiude r~- venetia~ blinds, drapes and children. JACK: Ha-'s-so-~alv~-he-tbir,~s ~oa-b~Ve--~d~uy'-them ,.. what a kid... So long, Bob. /] (~OUND: [~CED[ER DO~q~1 JACK: That kid Dennis ~.rill drive @ver~fbody crazy till he finds a ho~s@. RCCH: SAY, BOSS~ i IV~ GOT YOJ/R BREAKFAST READy. JACK: Brin~ it in ~e cJen, Z mtc/~t sit around fo~ awhile and ~!ead. ROCH: OKAy. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS...DOOR 0PENS...COt~i~ FOOTSTEPS) TK ~] I.~<0 I 0'18372?
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_r ,~AOK: .~ ~T~se days ~¢t~h ]~clio &~d t~levisioo, i haven'~ beeo reading very much ~.. Lot of good books he~, too ... Letf~ ~ee ... he-~e's*"The gploe of Varie~F"~ edite~ b7 Abel G~een .,, "Out of the Blue~ by John Crosby ... he's c~e radio columnist ... "Spindletop" by James Clark .,. Oh, here's a new bDok that just c~me out ~.. "That's What Z Like A~out T~e Soa~~ b~ Dwl.~t ~Lseoho~e~, . .. Here1~ ano~P~r ..~ "It Tsk~s All Kinds" by Maurlce Zolotow ... Let'~ see this oze .. "Tb_e Cos:~tc Effeot~ of Nuclea~ Fis~io~ oo Psychological A~e~rations'~ ... Oh, ye~ ~hat was glveo to me fo~' Christmas b~ Prank Remley ... Now le~'s see ... I do~ ~ow wba~ book to rsad ,.. Oh, here's o~e ,,. There are so m~n~" pl, r~te pi, ctur~s out r.ow ... !~.~[Cee B~cO~]e~II . .. II~le C~Ir~so~ Pirs~8el ..... JACK: The Purple Firats....Cb~pte? One. SO ~TFu4N~E-VGgIfFg-T~-S~JENTEE~-C~I-~IR~AS fg~ }<0 7 0183728
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JACK: I~ES, I .H,I A PiRA~ . . . MY N.~ IS CAPTAIN BENNY ~ i-~JAS-BORN-L~A- ~FEOTABI~-M~DDL~ ,-~JA~S" ENGLISH ~A2~IILY, I ~A~EL~D~A'I~D-~]~D HAD EVERY 0PPOR_~VSNITY ... ~iO~I~..LEVENTU~LL¥- I~F~HO~ BECAUSE I"w'AS --~ATEI~D ~]~ ~ B~EEN AT SEA ALMOST A ~i~AR, ~ SHIP HAD JUST CAPTL~D RICH PRIZE . •. A SCHOONER, H0~W~_~D BOUND FROM TNE OP~JT, AND LADEN "~ITH CARGO , .. '~.r~ TRANSFE~D 7~R CAF~0 TO ODR HOLD, ~I~EN ~ C~ LINED TH~ RAIL AND WATCHED AS WE P~PA~ED TO SFIND THE CAPTUP~D V~SSEL TO ~E BOTTOM. CAST ~: ONSH~S~RA~ (~IZ lOi,~) JACK: (P~. M_VKE) ~ ~i~ht, ~un~e~s ... We ~re ~oio~ to si~k her... (SOUND: S~P~L CANNONS GOI}~ CFF A~[O S~SHING SHIP) ~N: (CWE~R) BOB: She's sink~ng fast, Captain. JACK: Good . .. tell me, Red Robert, did we get much booty? ~0B: T~was a ri~h haul~ Captain ,,. ~ hu~d~ed bolts of silk~ fifty barrols of ~a_~e spices, ten sacks fillod wi~h ~oide~ ~sz and fou~ cases of ~[de~.! Dog ~ood. JACK: Fine, my supply was running low. BOB: That isn't all the loot, st~ . ,. %~e follnd a small sack of ~.lamonds, some r~bies, and best of gll~ a wo~anls dress. JACK: A woman's dress ..~ what's so wonderful about that? BOB: Oh ~OU ou~hta ses what's in i5! TK t-~ f)~'O 1 0183 129
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JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK : JACK: MARY: JACK~ JACK: DON: JACI<: DON; JACK: DON: JACK: DON : JACK: -i5- ~s~ sir~ and we also oaptursd ~m captain of tha~ ship, Good. bring thsm bo me. ATe -We, ~Ir. (FILTER) IN A F£~ M~IU~ B0[~ ~-[E CAPTAIN AND tl~ 91RL WERE STJ/NDIh~ BEFOBE ME., .l LOOKED ~I~4 ZfERACA~JLY FOR A LONG TI~ ... FINALLY I SPOKE. (NEG. 5tlYd~) Which one of you is i£~_e Captai.~? I{~ is~ of course. (FILTER) [?~E~ HAS NO DC~/BT ABOUT IT, I ~D II~N AWAY FROM GRUFF- HCHOONER 'S ~" iAND TOO LONG ,.. #[-' i STOOD 'I~EP~, T}~ ~9_w~/'/5 CAPTAIN T~TPSTmO TO ~ A_ND SPOFJ~. Yes. .%~e 7ou ~sponBibl~ for b].cn~g mN ship to b%~s9 Ye s. And~lid ~ou makm sor~ of my m~n wa!~ t~ plank? YeS. And-did 7ou ~mr~@ all ghe rest of them? (S¥~ETLY) Do you think that was nice? No, P~ T ,','{ 0 '1 0183130
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............ = DON: ~rell~ wa~ci-~ it next time. JACK: (FILTER) ! ;-LENT HIM BELOW~ THEN I TURNED k~f ATTEN~EON TO ~5~ GIRL. SHE ~^~AS ~'~FARING A TIGHT 5~RT~ A ~O~-LLOW S'~T~, AI~D A 17U~GE BUTTON T~%T SAID, "I LINE LOUTS ~TfE F0~3RTEENT~''. . .AS SF~t STOOD NEFCRE ME~ i RH~IF~BERED I~> $UP~BTITION OF THE SEA...A N0~N ABOARD A pIRATE SHIP IS AN 0~IEN OF E~D LUST{ .... i WAS IN A PREDICAMENT...SK0[V~D I ~P ~ ABOARD AND P~SI{ ~TI}FZ, 0R ~ H~ WAlK ~EE pLANK....I FJE~ID~ TO 9~LIp A (BOb~D: COIN FLIppED AND LANDING ON WOOD.... (PAUSE) .... C01N ~PS AGAIN AND LANDS ON WOOD.. (PAUSE) .... COIN ~IPZ AGAIN AND LANEG ON WOOD.. (PAUSE) (' .... 0IN FLITS AGAIN AND L~NDS ON WOOD JACK: ~JEADS, SI~ oTAYZ ....... HEN I ~I~NED TO ~ AND ~AID: JACK: (REG. MIKE) ~,'~t i~ you. ~ ~am% a~ p~etty wench? MARY: Marie Anto±ne<te, Cre~stview 7-3808. JACK: ~<~at ? MANY: If ~ man ~nsw~rs, i$'s L~y~ slst~r Babe. /j , JiCK: ~e (~iLTER) %~ CONTI~E~D TA~/NG ,! AND ~ 0~ WAS ZO i%~Plrf Og"A~ ~/~ RICH FRIHE ~ HAD CAPTU~, TH~,Y DIDH T MIND A WO~%N BEING ABOARD....I-~-FA~_~,~f %~-~ ~A~N ~APPZ-ANOUT -I~...A~ ~WAT EVENING, AS W~ S~ILED ~l~ TROPICAL ~ NEATH FUIL NOON, %~IDf ~N C~RED ROUND ~Fn~ QUA~RTh~?~IEOK AND BEGAN TO SING. SL
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QUART: NE'PE A ~I)~V~Ey~ SC%~%~I CRAd4, AND THE SI~IPS HE'VE 2D~( ARE ~4ANY, BUT T~ BRAVEST Oh~] ITr3 ~UE IX 0TJR GAi~NT CAPTAIN BEN~_. lflu LI~S A ?IGHT OR R~ir~$ ~ 'LI~ EVEN BOX THE C0~tPAS~ FOR FUN i'~ LI~{ES TO DU~US IN ZHE 0C~&N BLUE, W~] LIEE AN L S M F T POE IT~Z I~ FAVCRITE S~IOKE AT S~ Wk~0~E Pk&ZSE A SAILOR !DUDLY C~NT$ AND SO DO ~IS SIS~RS AND HIS COUSINS AND HI~ Ab~TS BUT FIRST ~ WILL TEAR ~EM AND C01,~APE ~M TT~ ~ 'LL $~P~ ~ ~ITH HIS $!S~S AND HI3 COUSINS A~ HIS A\~TS WE WO~ ~T~ER H~VE A I~C~ STRIKR T~L~-~ A SOI~D GOLD ~t~F~N ~PIKE ~i~ I,~LL STICK TO LUC~EZ A~D TM~ NO C}~INC~ AND SO "WILL 0D~ ~IST~RS AND oUR C0~IR~ AND 0t~ AUNTS ~FE ALL ~INK LUCKIES ARE ~ALL¥ ¢~P~T AR~ 30 ~OE~ T~[E CAPTAIN AND T~ ~0bUN ~'~TD ~ ~TE W~EID RATI{ER I£~E ~ THAN PHESE~ OF EIGHT AND 30 WOULD OUR UNCI~ AND 0DE BROT~ A~ID OUR M0~R AND OUR BRO~gL~ AND OUR MOTIT~R ~AY~ ~ TO RANT A~0T~ LUCKY 2TRI~, (APPEA~J~) ~T~0"I 018~I32
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( THIRD ROUTI~]{ ) JACK: (FILTE~) -17- I?.~ CONTINI~D SCOURING i~{E SEA, AND ~-~N 0hi9 LUCK ]{ENT BAD. . .WE SIGHTED NO MORE S}IIPS...0DR SUPPLIES PAN IDW,.. HI~]HTJ ~, ~SOUND ~ -TE PJ41FIC -~AVES-)- JAC~L__ _.~S{AIN_0D2,~_D0~Z-~N A -~ORRE~IAL ~W]POUR:- (SOUND:- -AiL 'i~ RAIN-IN THE WOPJ~D) JACK:--AND rl~[EN~.~TH A- ~I&qq~E~NING-CRAJH~- i~f THUNI~RED77.. ( PAi~S]~ )-~. ( @OMP~[@ - SILENCE )T." ] 7%riTZ- A- ~I GHTENING CBASH ~ SILENCE~-.-, ~ ; ~LL, IT ~0OT, D [£%VE THL~L~RED !F I BAD HIR~T CO~IN- J~KSIUS ...... TEING~- WENT-gT~O~ ~ - 'f0-WORSE... ~ Y~N k~RE IN A iK~INOU$ YlOOD,,.'~Y P~EC~4E SUqfllff A]~9 RV~USED TO OBEY 0R~IS.. ,~ND TP~{ SUDT~NLY -- (SOUND: BOCIvlING OF C~%Nq~ONZ) JACK: ~E WERE ATTACKED BY THE MOST RUTP~J~SS OF ALL FP~N~H PIRATES .... DENNIS LA ~TTE. JACK: (REG. MIRE) Red Robert...Red RoherD...@et the men zo thei!~ bs,ttie stations. BOB: Aye Aye, sir...~%GBY~ RENLLEy, ~ETCHER~ :~MICK...MAN IDD~ @OMS. JACK: ...... }~m~m. BOB: -t~s no us% Captaln,.~'...the men a~ x~evolting. JACK: .......... WouI~ yo~ repeat t~t? BOB: Ths men are revolting. SL 19/;'iS I O18313:9
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JACK: Y~-RY: 3ACE: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: -i$- (FILTER) ROBERT HADN'T BEEN WITH US LONG OR FZE NEVER WOL%D FL~VE ~_Lq0~ A ~W~-~D LIFr~ LIKE ~YHAT...THE B~T_~ IFENT ~KKX... A~D WH SUFFERED I~EAVY_ CASJALTl~S...FINe-fLY, TO SAVE LIVES~ i DECIDED TO SD~RENI~...I GRABBED A WHITE FLAG f~ND STARTED TO WAVE IT. (MAD) Hey, give me ~hose b~ck. (REG. MIKE) i'm sorry, Miss, but this i~ no tlme to b~ doing your laundry. (FILTER)WE WERE TA~ PRISOneR A_~ IYNEDL~E%Ly LOCE~D IN DARK HOI~ OF _~E REI~...FOR TSLWEE DAYS ~ DIDN'T SEE OUR CFSJEL CApTOr....i~[NIS LA ~IT~ DIDN'T K~IL HIS PRISOn,S BY MAHING q~L~! WALK THE P£ANK...OH NO...~ WAS TOO CRUEL F0E TE~IT...~ W0b~D ~KE ?0U ~TICK Y0b~R I~D ~ROUG~ A HOLE IN A CANVAS, ~Ii~ HIS CD~W LIUTED UP AND C~W BASEI~S AT YOU,...~ii~ WA~N' T ~0 ~AD, BUT ~RE ~ BEHIND YOU WITH THOSE DA~RTE WERE MURDER...FINAL~Y~ ON FOURTH DAy ~IE ORDERED ~E AND ~ GIRL TO EE BROUGNT TO RTM,..AS W-~ STOOD ~L~NO B~L~ORE ~ FIT~E~ ~ S~LU~GE 0~' I~ ~ ~N o ~, P~ SAID: .2~/_~._~ in PaPis ! (REG. MIKE) Huh? Yo~ are in ze~ p~sence of zee great i~ Fibre...F~qeel, yo~ oeeg! SL R T;~'¢O ~ 0183134.
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JACK: DEI~NIS : ~t&Ry: D~INIS : JACK: DEh~S JAOK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS: J~CK: DENNIS : JACK: D~NIS : -19- yes~ sir, Good, now you kneel, too. yes~ s~r. (som'm: THU~..THUMP) ...~# i love to play zee leapfrog. ~nat ~e your plans for ~s, La Fitte? B~r you, Mort C@i~ine~ ~ou b~ve zec choice of joining me or dying. Well, I'll jo~uyou...do i still rst~in ~y r~ as Captain? Capt~In~..Ho ho, you fool..you'll b~ my ~lave. A slave! I'd pather die first..Toa don~t l~uow us ~glis~men very well.. All right..yo~ die. ~fnat ~bout the glrl..are you going ~c kill her? ~eh heh heh, .You don't know us Frenchmen" ve~T ~ell. What? shall marry zee girl ~nd i~ake her zee pi?~te queen..She will be my wife,, my sweethe~mt.,~id now~ ~ shall kiss her. JACk: ~he~s ratbmr die first. ~[A/~y: You keep out of this. TC R ];~O 1 O 1 }-~ 3 1 3 [':
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-20- JACK: (~ILTER) l ~AS IN A PP~IC_~MENT,.. EIT~L~-~ I B~D~v~ !4 ~ITTE~S ~LAVE, OR i ~WA~ THE 2L~U~. ! D~N'T g~£~ "~AT TO -- (<d%~: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO --- (SO~D: DOOR BCZZ~) ~/* ", ~<-~~/ ..... &~e~~- JACK: (~m. ~,IzKNI ~ .... t~,~ tho ~oo~ bo~, ~Ig~t-~ ~ ~ost interesting l?art, .. I ¢anrt eveu l~ead a book around (SOU~D : DOOR [~[~ZZ~) JACK: COMING, COMING. (SOUIID: DOOR OP~S...FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OP~S) (MOOLEY) M~. B~nnT? Yes? i'm fro~ Beklns' Van and Storage Ool~pany and we've got t~o truck-loads to ~n!oad he~_~e. Furniture? No, Ideal Dog FOod. 0bY.. We~l, put it in the s~Immlng pool~ t~m garage is full. (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) JACK: ~IRL: JACK: ~L: JACK: MG R ]'~01 0783136
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JACK~ Friemd8~ every minut~ -- day and ni~t -- a destrucclve flr~ starts. And in nlne out of ten cases, D~st fires stark because someone ~as careless! DooTt let tb~t someone be you, me sure your eleot~ioai wiring is prope~#ly i~stallsd. But clgarett~s and ma~ches out before you discard them. Be ou guard constantly against fire. Remember, only you can prevent fires. (APPLAUSE) DON: Jack wlll be bac~ in just a moment, bus firss .... MG R F~WO 1 0183t3P
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T}~ JACK BEN~ pROGR~34 -B- SU~AY, NOVEMBER 16th~ 1952 (T~CRIBED ~Cg~ZER 12, 1959) OLOSIN~ C0~&MERC YAL ORC~: ~ 9JILL VAMP) CHORUS: Be h~ppy - Go LUC~T ~et Better Taste Today! (SHORT CLOSE) DON: ~iends~ you,ll fi~ Luckies ~.aste better - taste cleane~ •.. fresher . .• smoother because Lucky Strike gives you fine, mild~ ~ood-t~stiog to'~c~o in s ~-zsrette th~t,s mad___~e better to taste better. L~c~les taste ciea~e~ bec~us~ Luokles~ p~rfect cyli~de_~ of fine~ o!ean tobscco is f~e~ from those ~nnoying loose e~s that g~t in your mouth ~nd spoil the taste. ~c~les tast~ ~eshe~ because they're fully packed without air ~paoes - hot ~ots that b~n too f~s~ - ~ste hot, harsh and dry. And every pack of L~ckies is e.xtr~ tightly sealed to keep in tl~ freshe~ tsste. Luckies taste s_mogthe3- because in a Lucky you get ioi~y strands of fin% ~tld~ good-tasting tobacco in a cigarette that draws freely end smokes ~mootb~y. k'~s, friends, Luckles taste better: So for your own real deeD-down smoking enjoyment - fur a cleaner, f~es[qe_r, smoother smoke - Be H~ppy - GO I~acky.~ Nake Zo~ next cal, ton Luc~" Strike! 0RCH: [3 NOTE INTR0) CHORUS: Be Happy - Go Lucky (YO Lucky Str~ke Today,' (LONG ~OSE) AL [9[MO I O18t~ ] 38
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SUA~AY, NOVE~ER !o, 1952 (T~NSCRI~ED NOVE~ER 12~ 1952) CLOSING C O~E~RC I~L DON: Jack will be back in just s moment, but first . .. C~Lii~ : Luckies taste bette~:. SHOF[TS: Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- Oleane~, f~eshe~, snloothe~L. Lucky, LUcky, LUC~I: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... Lucky Strike .means fine tobacco ... Cleaner, fresher, smoothe~! BeZte~ get a ca~ton'. Setter set a ce~ton~. Detter get a camton, today~. DON: You kno~ friends, it's only n~tural for Lucky smokers to be enthusiastlo about the cigarette thaD testes so much better. And Luckies d_o_ taste bette~ . .. thatEs because Lb/~T -- Luoky $trike r~ans fi~e tobacco o,. fine, mild and natura!ly good-tastlng tobacco. What's more, you ~ the full flavor of that fd~e tobacco because Luckles e~e packed full and firm, made better in eve~j w~y to taste cleans~, fresher, Smoother. No wonder so meny college students are voicing thed~ preference fo~ Luckies! Remember, a nation- wide survey in 80 leading colleges, based on ~ctual student interviews, r~vesls hhst more smokers in these colleges prefez. Luokles than any otheP olga~ette. And remembe~ that LucMies ~alned far ~or~ smokems than the nation's two otheP p~ncipal bl, aods oomblned. But most of all, ~emembem the numbe~ one feasq~! the students Qsve fo~ smoking Luckles .... better taste:. So frlends~ ~e~ 5he bebtem taste that only fine tobacco, in s bette~-~ade ci~rett@ can give you. Be happy - ~o Luck~ .. make youD ~ext oa~ton .. Luoky Stl~keI. 01B3 ~3~
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THE JACK BENNY PEOG.R~M SUNDAY, NOVF2BER 16~ i952 (TZ~NSC~DNOV~SER ]2, 1952) CLOSING CO~FCT_4L ~CONTINUED) SPORTSMEN QUARTET: Be Ha~py - Go Lucky Go Luc~ StrJ~ke %cday; (LOh~ CLOSE)
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JACK: -22- Ladies and g~ntle~@~l, I ~amt to oo~]gra~ulate Wy good f~le~ds ~eeman ~]o~de~ a~d ~h~r!ie ~o~ell~ better ~o~ to the entire ~o~ld as Amos and Au~, ~ho today aI'~ celebrating their ~en thousandth radio broa~ast .... Man~ they mu~$ be loaded .,. ~Oodnlgh~, fol~s. (APFLAUSE & MUSIC) DON: The jack Benny Program is ~itten by Sam Perrin, Mllt Josefsb~rg, ~o~ge Ba~ze~, Job/~Tackaherr¥~ andproduced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Ben~ Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike~ prod~Jc~ o~ the American Tooaeco 0ompan~ -- Amer~ca~ 19adi~ ~anufaoturer of cigarettes. ~G
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PRCY~P~M ~ P~TISED SCR !.r@ ~$~RICAN T03ACCO CON~ANY LUCK~~ STRIIC~ THE ,TACK BE_.~Y PRCGRAM (TRANSCRIBED NOV. 20~ 195~) 4:C0 -~0 PM PST TC
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T~ JACK ~NNY ~ROGRAM SUNDAY, N0~NSER 23, 1952 (TRANSCRIBED NO~3ER 20, 0PE~NG 00~MRCIAL 1952) DON: COLLINS: CHORUS CP~ER: DON: JM THE JACK I~B~ PROGRAM ... ~RANSCRIPZD A~ ~P~BEN~ED BY LUCKY STRI~! Luckies taste better~ lucky Strlke means finc tobacco -- Lucky Strike ~sns flue tobacco -- 0Ze~ner~ f~es~er, smoother~ Lucky, Luckur, Luck~! :~ckygbrike mean~ fir~ ~obacco ... :[~ci~j gt~ike irea~ fir~e tob~oco ... Clesner~ freshe~ Sl~OOt~her! Be~ter get ~ c~rton! Better g~t ~ csrton! Better ge~ a csrton, today~ HeLlo f~ieuds ... this is Don Wilson. ~ou ]<now, millior~ of smokers i~% every w~lk of !~"e a~e cheering Luckies' better Zsste. And among ell Bhose Luc~- fens are s ~ood mal±y co!!e~e students. [~tter of fact, a ~ation-wide survey, based on actual student interviews in 80 leading colleges, ~eveals that more smokers in these colleges prefe~ ~ckies th~n an~ oZher cigsrette. And by a wide mar~in2 In addition~ the s~vey shows that Lucky Stri~e gained f~r more smackers in these col leges %hen th~ ns~ion~s two other princlpsl brands zomblued. (CO~fINU~D) RY:~W01 O'i 831,~3
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TI{~ JACK ~E~]TZ ?RCQFu~M SUI~AY, N0-~EMBER 23~ 1952 (TRANSORIBED N0~R 20, 1952) 0PENI~D C0~B~RC~L (CONTID) DON (CONT'D): CHO]YNB: DON: ~st's q~ite ~ record ... but this is even more significant: The number one resson the students gave for smokln@_ Luokies wss Luckiest bette~ tsste~ ~nstta t~he same cleaner~ 1~esher~ smoothe~ taste tl~flTs waiti~ for you in,very L-dck~-y~1 smoke. Nothing -- [zo: nothi.~ -- beats bette~ taste. So for you~ own real, deep-down smokir~ enjoy.me~, make Ifoum D~zZ carton imck~ Stmike ... snd believe me you111 obee~ Luckies~ too~ Lacky Strike ineans fine tobseco ... Luc~/ Bt~ke ~eans fID~ ~obscco ... Cleaner~ fPesher, smoother~ Bette~ get s ca~ton~ Be~ter get 6 oarton~ Bette~ ~et ~ ¢a~ton, today~ (PROGRAM ~NE UP A~D DO~ ~e Lucky Strike p~ogram starring ....... JM R/NO ~ 01837,4-4
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T~U~ ,TACK BRNNY PROGRAM SUNDAy, NOV~VB~R 23, 1952 (TRANSCRIBED NOVV~ 20, 1952) OPENING C 0MM~0 LaJ~ -A- ~!ILSON: ORCK: CHORUS: WII~ON: T~ JACK BFANNY PHOGP~M ... TRANSCRIBED A~_~ pRER~%~D BY LUCE~ STRIKE ~ (F~UL VA~) Be Happy - Go Luoky Be Happy - C~t Bette~ Taste Be Happy - Go Lucky Ge~ Better Taste Today! This is Don "Wilson, and, ~mokers, there's no doubt 8bout it - Luckles taste better. A~d this b~tter t~ste starts with Luekies' fine tobacco, ves~ L.S./M.F.T. -- ~cky Strike me@ns fine tobacco in a cigarette thatTs made better ZO taste cleaner, f~eshe~, smoother. Cleaner? You bet~ In a Luck7 you h~ve a ps~fect oTl~ler of fine, c lles~ tobacco -- f~ee from rheas annoying 1Gose ends ~ha~ ~et in your luouth and spoil the taste. F~lesl~er? Of course~ Luokles ~e lh/!ly packed ~- ~ib%~out air spaces - hot spob~ that burn too fazt - taste hot, harsh and dry. And every pack Of lacklez ~.s extra ti~htl~ sealed to keep i~ LuckiesI freshel~ taste. And smoother? Yes, il~deed~ L~okies~ lol~ strands of fine, mild, $ood-tastJ-~-g tobacco arc mad~ i~to s cigarette that draws freely ~nd smokes smoothly. SO~ f~lends, enjoy s better~sstln~ oiRarette - a cieaner~, frfshs~, 9moother smoke! Be Happy - ~o LuckT! Make o~ next carton Luc~ Str~ke! TC
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-I- (FiNET NE0~I~ ) (AZTER CO_Mi~ROZAL~ MUSTS ~ AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, HOCf~STER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, A~D '~fOI~RS TRULY" , DON !4II~ON. (APpLAUSE..MUSIC UP A)m D~JN) DON: LADLES Af~ G~__I~MEN..YESTERDAy ONE OF 'IgU/ BIGGEST FOOTBALL GAYZS IN TH~ CODq~TRY "~AS 21AYED PJ~KE AT TH~ LOS ANGELES COLISEU~[...BECAUSE 0F 19{AT FACT, I HAD HOP~ TO BRING ~[0N T~ U.S.C. QHARTF~RBACK OR %}rE U.O.L.A. QUARTENEACK .... JACK : Don - - DON: UNFORTUNATELY, I WAS i~ABLE TO GET EITHER OF =~H~M... JACK : DOn - - DON: SO TONIGHT, INSTEAD, I BR~G 70U A [~N ~WffO IS AN EXPERT_ ON GETTING A ~yARTER BACK, AND HERH p~ IS, JACK BgLNNY! (APPLAUSE) JI4CK: Thank you, ~hallk you~ .Helio~gsln," this is JackG~enny %alkir<Z. ..And, Don..I t~led to interrupt Vou~ i k~now that you ~re gonna tell a corny jok% but i didn't even thimk it ~ras rummy. DON: (LAUGNE) Gosh, Jack, i thought it was exceptionally funnF. JACK: Oh~ you did, eh? DON: Yes...&n~ not only thst..b~ I thought it was very topical. JACK: I see....Well, speaking of things being topical, Don... about three we~k~ ago th~ nation decided i5 was time for s ohan~e..~q@-i ~Y lueke of~e 8round he_~e, too ...... Are ~)~c:d llstening~ Hsr~y? TC RT;~{O'~ 018.3 14-6
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-2- DON: .... Ha~r~ T~uman? JACK: No~ Vom Zell...So le~'s be a llttl~ more c~reful with out'Oh, h~!io~ Bob. BOB: (COMI~G IN) n~, .~ack.~i~, Lon. DON: H~IIo, gob. BOB: ~eve you feliowa at the game yesterday? JACK: No, i wsnted go go, .but it ~as in~ossible to ge~ tickets. DON: Yesh, it was a co~@lete sell-out. B(~B: ~ ~n~ow, bu~ I was !uc~f..Sam~y the d1~e~, got ms mine, JACK: Sammy the dl~Lmm~r...how did he get tickets? BOB: Oh:~o'~ts easy for him..he's a graduate of ~-~9 . JACK: No~ BO~: Uh huh. JACK: S~mmy...graduated from colleg~? BOB: Yep...t~ has his sheepskin and everything. JACK: B~..I just won't believe you till i see the diploma. BOB: Well, go take a !ook~ it's stretch acro s his dr~m. JACK a L~t~ee~...7ou~m~an the ~nare d~m with the writlng on it? BC~: Thst Is it. it '~as his ~aroie ..... Tb~ JACK: Oh, is that ~ dlploma..l thought ~ovePno,~ ~ s sign~zihTe ~ l~,~w Ir.e ~. ~r~gl~e ba~ b~i~ e college ~aduate~-~. 50B: %~ell, i'm~u~ as surprised aswyou er% Jack, 'out Sa~y zold m~he studied medicine~.psssed all h~s examinations.. and he~s a licensed physician a~d surgeon. TC 0183142
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-3- jACK: Well, I'll be .... BOB:~---~I m ~getti~ 2.o~,s of surprl~es from tbes heard sbout a th~g that heppe~d last New year'~ Eve that was ~anbelievab!e. JACK: ~nst was it? BOB: Well, the ~asiclans were hav~ig a big New Year's party, when s~ddenly one of the boys got ~n ~ttack of appendicitis. jACK: Uh huh. sleeves..went to work..and,toGA ouz EerAey's ~JpperAix. JACK: (I~F~ESSED) Gosh, thst was wonderful. BOB: ~NO~ it wesn~t~ it was B~bK wha had the ~ppendlcltis, JACK: 0h...well then, why did Sammy do a silly thing !Jke Zhat.. opera ~ , on Hemle~j, BOB: i A natuzsl mistake, Bagby was st~D~ling up sr~ RemAey I¢~s lying down. JACK: Holy smoke...but, Bob..how come Sa~- had his s~argical inst~ment~ with him at a pa~t~? BOB: He alan ~. JACK: Then ho~ could he open,to? BOB:~J/~He used ~ broken bourbon bottle. JACK : BOB: JACK: ~0. Yep, it cut and sterilized at the same ~. hsd...Imagine, a doctor in the orobestra~, TC
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-4- DON: you ~ow~ JaGk~ we ~houlchn't be too surpri~ed,.,Yc~:v~ noticed that every t~e Sa~ sit_us hLs name, he puts M.D. after it, JACK: i P~uow, I-q-~, but I always thought that stood fol, marlnszed drummer°..Afte~ all, just because e lusn has _M.D. after Tie nam~ doesn't -- MARY: (o~? mu~) (~HS. ,co~u'~o:~s) JACK: i ~t.~B tha~2 BOB: I~s Mary, over there in the corner. JACK: Oh, yes..(OALL$) 'sao ~L~y, Ma~? ~MAF~/: Oh, ~//z1-~or~yv---~ek~, ! was just ~,eadin~ this letter from ~T~ mother. JACK: ~~om your motheT? MARY: Oh ~z~h. JACK: ~ell, 14nat does the ~m~. Peepers of Pqako21eld have to say? MARy:~I'I1 reed it t vou.. CLEARS T~Iq0AT ..N~ DARLinG DAUG %ZR MARY, s. ,JUST A ~HORT NOTE T L~Y YOU I~0~ WE'RE ALL WELL AND HOPE YOU ARE ~ SA~ .yOUR FATHER ISN'T HOME MUCH THESE DAYS AS Hg S BECO~C MORE ACTIVE m~ HiS LODGE#. [~N FACT~ .&~T HIGKf HE, ~B ~i~If~ ~U!TE IAT~ pl/~yl~ PGKE~,~.. i THIflK I~E LOST BECAUSE WIf~N HE CARE H~H TO GO TC ~ED, :~ DIDN'T HAVE TC T.~IE OFF HIS CL0~I~ES. JACK: Poor Papa, he always w~ ~ mloker for drawlr~ to inslds straights. TC
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0J8"3"~50
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I ~T3ART : ~fOU'VE GOT~2A BE A F~3G~_ALL ~ERO TO GET ALONG WI~ ~I~E BEAUTIFUL GIP~S IN SPITE OF ALL A MI~LZON DOLLARS CAN DO A TACKTE OR T~;0 WIIL MEAN MORE TO YOU. ~E FAC~ THAT YOU ARE RICH OR HA~])SO~ ~0N'T GET YOU AI~3fiU~ING ~N CURI~$ YOU'~ OCvf-~A BE A FO0~AIL ~R0 TO GET AI~ONG WITH 'i~ BEADT~UL G~RLS. YOU:VE GOT TO SM0~ ~I~{AT FI~E TC~ACCO TO RF~ALLy 1~0~7 ~a~ A LUCK~f IS BEST V0U~V~, GOTT_~ LIGHT A LUCKY L~LY AS YOU PUFF YOUt!~L ~-N01~ SURE ~N0t~R THAT NO PUFF IS ROUGH A LL~CK~~ ~TRI~ IS~ BETTER TA~TINC- A LUCICZ STRI~ ~INS ~ff TEST y0~I~Z GOTTA ~A~ A~ND -~N COMP~A~ ~ TO ~LLy KNOW WHY A LUC~_~ IS BEST. (YE~LL) LUCKY STRIKE MEANS FI~ TOBACCO ~_L~Yf~ ~_W~IKE F~AN~ ~Ii~ TOBAOC0 CI~ FRESHER, SMOOOOOOdIJ~ ( ~,ore ) ~6- TC 0'~83151
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]]UART: L $, L S M LZ, LSM L S M, L S M, (BRFAK) F T A LLZKY STRIKE IS BETT~ TASTI[{G ~0 ~OUND A~ ~/~ AND ~IiLL'£ PAOZ~D A LUCKY ~TRIKE Ig MADE ~JC~{ B~TTER THATTS NOT A CLA~ NO, SIR, _~.AT IS A FACT B~ hApPY ~D GO LUCKY ZTR~I~. ( APPI~UaE ) -7- TC RI~01 0'183't~2
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(SECOND ROUTIK£ ) jACK: That was wonderful, BOB: JACK: DON: BOB : DON: JACK : DON: JACK: DON : ~L~CK: DON: JACK: NARY: JACK: MARy: JAg<: MAF~/:/~I told Rochester © -<;- fellow~ ~e~y-~...~S~y. has De-n~1~~ iimm...Don, can the quartet sing another t~/~oer? Oh, the~rd love to, Jack~ but i;_hey've got to leave for Wilmington right away. Theylre swin~ning the chmLnel to Catalina. All four of them? T/C~ huh. Gosh..what s publicity stunt ~ ~ / Publicity stunt, nothing. ~Pnat ? They have to lu~k~ sn appearance i~ Avalo.~, add o11 "~t ~ou may them ~hey oanlt afford to take the boat. What ? (LAUGHS .~ND I~UGHS ~ (LOOKS AT AU]~IENCE)~ L$ok~st him shake, folks....Ar~l the scrag says~ ~akes two to tsngo....Control you~,se±I,-~ Don. Oh, say, JAck, T meant to ~sk you s¢~othJn~g. Ask me what, Mary? "Why didn't ~ou pick me up an8_ take me to the ~tudlo this morning? i had to take a cab. (SLq%PRI~) Dut, Mar~j, I didn't know i was supposed to plok you up. to tell you. TC I~[~0'1 0'183153
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JACK: ~ZY: JAOK: .MARY: JAOK : MARY : JACK: JACK; J~CK: SARA: JACK: SARA: JACK : SARA : JACK: SARA: JACK : SABA : and ~hat's why he wanted the day off..I'm go,me call h~ z,igh~ now ~r,~ find out about that, (SOD}~: CLICK OF PHONE AND 0_h~ DIAL) (~01~: JIC~]LR OF HOOK) OPERATOR .... When you hear ~he tome, tme tJ~e will be fou.~-uweive. Whet? Oh~ excuse m~, I !¢as on t~2ne signals all day yesterday.. ~oer ~ ~iease. I w~nt ~restview ~.~95. ~ -- You ~a~ow, when you're on time sig~aY.s you keep saying the sa~e thing over ~ ore~ ~Dd over a~d over -- l~ok, 14iss~ all I'm tryiI~ to get is -- The day before ~jeaterda7 ~helr had me ~m i~evmati~. Look~ operator-- That d~ives you rluts aitoge~her. TO R T ;~{() "i [.]183154. _2 Tf
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-1C- JACK: %~el!, Miss, Z ~tuow how yogi feei~ but -- SARA: (MAD) You don't k-now how I fee!..When Myrtle a_~ i came SARA: ~tle~s ~ ~ir~ f~,ie~d, and ahe aln'~ go~ hal! zhe @ducation -- got~ ~,: $0 ~Yho do yoll thirak they made s su[Jervi~o_~'? JACK: All right, Myrtle. SARA: No, a comslate st~an@e~. JACK: Now look ~e~T Miss, lim sorry abcut ell your troubies~ but will you plea~ get ~ my home...crestvlew-7--~ SARA : Okay. ~ F JACK:~ mus~ be the~aL therly t~e, everNbody ~ell~ ~ their"~-~ (SOL~D: BUZZING...CLICK OF PHONE) Y~I,: (LITTLE MOOLZY) }Iello, Joe's Fish Market. JACK: . Oh...I~m sorz~,, I didn't want you. ~L: ~y, what's "~ong with fish? JACK: Look, I didn'l~ i;here was atsyth~ng_.i~--~l~ ~L: ~ll~d~ed~ of ~F~e~l go ol]t o~l th~ Pollgh ooea~l during stormy weather, ~.isking their lives in small boate, and you Oon't llke fish. JACK: But Miste~. MEL: itls guys like you tuat's eatln' up ~ll the cows in the country. JACK: Me? ! ~tever 9re a cow in .ury life. MEL: Hell, you better sts~t, Buddy, cause i 81nlt sellln~ you non~ of my flsh..,.- <GoodbNe. OUND. C~'ER 8L~B) • RTH01 0183155
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JACK: JACK: SARA: JACK: SARA: JACK: SARA: JACK : MARy: JACK: JACK: SARA: JACK: SARA: JENNY: JACK : ME- How did I ever get into that. (SOD~D: JICGLING OF HOOK) Operator, operato~. Long alszanoe. What? You ~ee he~ the~ Push ~ a~ound? Look, ~-ou gave m8 ~he wror~ numbe~...i w~nt ~r~s ~ Okay. Wsit'II I get Rochester on the phone, I'll tell him a thing or two...I'll..Oh, Mary, what is it I'm med ~t Rochester 8boub? He told you he wented s day off to go to his best f.~i~nd's wedd~g, 8nd he went to Graumanls Chinese theatre instead. Oh yes.~1~No wo~der I'm mad. (SOUND: JiC~JLI}~ OF HOOK) ~f~at's the matter ~i%h thet operator? (SOUND: JIGGLING OF HOOK) Number please? Look operatop..I told you before., .I'll tell you a~ein..but listen osrefully and olease...please try to get it right... (SLOWLy) C~stvie~..£-~A-~.,~.~%~..6~..~_~£ Yes sir. (SOUND: CC[R~LE OK SECONDS PAUSE..q~EN BUZZING OF PHO~ ,~ICE...T~EN CLICK) Hello, N.B.C. Oh...exc-dse ~. (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN).
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12- F~f~/: Wrong number, Jack? JACK: C, C0000oig{~, ~ NARY: Look, Jack,you're lmv~ ~o r~ch tremble with tick8 operator, ~hy donft you u~e the phone booth ir~ the hall and dial you1. r~0e~, di~'ect? ,~CK: Mary, that's a good -Dlea...You keeo things going here, i'll be ~ight back. (g0UND: FOOT~EP~.,DOOR OF~S & CLOSES... FOOTSTEPS SUSTAIN) . JACK: I don't kno~¢ ~he:ee they get ~uoh o~erator~...'~-~n~er, ~--w~ong-nnmbe~-~C~e...l~m thirsty...Oh, goo6-~ there~ s Cooa Cola m@eh~e, (SOUND: F]~,~ MORE F00TSTEPS..STOP..JINGLE 0F CHANCE O'dT OF POCL4~T ) ,IACK: Em, the smallest I've got is a quarter. Oh well, that's all right...this is o~e of those machines that makes change. Let's see..,where's the quarter slot,..There it is. (SOUND: QUARTER IN SIDT.,j~ ~ IT FALL INT0 MACHINE. A PLOP OF A BUITI~ COMIfD OU2) JACK: T_here}s the bottle of Coke. (SOileD: [liME DROPS ZlT±'O RETURN SLOT 5~N A NICKEL) ,IACK: And, ~b~re's my charage..a dime and a nickel. (SOLq~: AN~R DIME DROPS) JACK: [h~n..an extra dime oqr, e out..Sal, this n~chlne is returning too much change, I'll put that dime back in, I might get e ~-ei~ more. (SOL~*~: DI~Z~ IN SLOT.._~ALLING ~'~NTO MACHI~, -~t~N PLOP OF BOTTLE COMIhD Ci~ ) MG ]~(. ~ 0183 t~7~
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-]3~ JACK: Well, there's tbe bottle of oeke..and..h~s~um..no change.~,~4~ Wait a minute, thst bottle is e~©ty~ and there's e note in it. I ~onder ~ghat it says. (SOUND: RUSTI~ OF PAFg~) ,~ JACK: "You had ~ou~, chance." ..~, wbat ~ ~leeh~ne, it even ~a~a wT~%e~. I CciTt unde~stsrl how a coke ~achlne --- DENNIS : ~//Kello, Mr,. Be-~y. JACK: Dennis..where have you been? I,/ DENNIS:~?q~m serf,y, Mr. Bem~y..but ]?ight after 2ehesmssl I went o11tslde to ~-~Ive apound in my new c~er end I forgot ,~f~l~t tlr~e it was. JACK ~tNew car? DF/~NIS: Uh huh...g got one of those M.G. Fs. JAOK: Oh, thstTs an English car, isn't it? DENNIS: (ENOLISH) Right you are, Go~e~-~ol,. JACK: I{~mmmm~nm~. DENNIS: I bought it ~lile I was with yau at the Palladium in Lotion.... It ' s not new, though.. I bo[~/~t it from England' s 18~gest used car de~ler. . / JACK: ~- An Eng!~-sh used car dealer,? ~'I~nat was his name? DENNIS : JACK : DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: MG Mentally ~r~ai~ed Na~maduks. Oh yeSo~S on the corner of Picadilly ar~ Flgueroa... Dennis, on this English cs~ of ~urs, is ~he steering wheel on the ~ight side or the left ~ide? Neither. ~elg where is y~ir steering wheel? In London, they won't send it to me till I ~eke my last pa~nusnt.
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-14- JACK: Then fo~~ hesvens ~akes, how do you steer it? DE~I$: My mother runs ~iongside add ~Icks the z%Dont wheel. JACK: !licks the ~ghsel? DeF~IS, ho~" could you ~@t your mothe~ to do a th~_n~ like that? DEI,~NIS: ~ out ~ picture on the tire. -~_~ JACK: -I-]~a~--to ~S~-him~£ ~I-had :g o- s sk- h~.-~rl - could-n~-t-~-et -w£~ll ~neugh-~one~TI-'e~en~-h~d to-c-dme- out-here-lrcthe-h~l-l--~ ssk-hi~,..Now Derm-ls, I've got to make a phone call...so go into the studio and sing y~r scng. I will if you'll gez rid of Sammy the Dr~nrmer. JACK: W~ny? DE~[NIS: ~ rehearsal, out n~ ~on~ils. I opeDed my mouth to sing, er.d ~ took JACK: Dermis, get into that studio sr~i do your song. DENNIS: Y~s, sir. (801~: FOC~STEPS..DOOR OPENS) MARY:,~__~ w-- ~f~Dennis2 whe~_~ have you been? Jack ~-as ]ooki~4~ for you. ( APPLAUSE ) (I]ENNIZIS SONG - "~7£Y DON~T YOU BmLIEVE ~") MG ~3 T><O I 0183159
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.... il i (qVcliRD ROUTIK~) MARY: -15- i~-dies snd gent!em,~n, thst was D~mnls Day sJngin~ -- i'll ha~le !% ~ry~ !'m hack,..That w~s Dennis D~ s~rQ~'Lug MARY: Sa~ Jsck, dld you flr~lly get Rochester? JACK: Nc, the phone rang~ and rang at my house but ~obody ~nswered.. I ca~t believe It.. He w~s home where i left.. Oh well~ i'i! tr7 it again. (SOURS: ~CEI~R UP..CLICKS A COUPLE OF T!I~S) MURAL: ~mbe~ please? JACK: I ~Z..hey, ~c~'r~ ~ot the $~me c,~e~to~ who ~-~D~wered the 1ohone before ~ ~RIEL: No,. i'm new h~.~e. JACK: Well thank heaven's... Get me CrestviewD4~i~. MURIEL: I used to work in ~llock's Department Store., .I sold girdles JACK:J~- don't care ~hether you sold ~i~les or no~...Look, ~,~ss~ thls ~s Jack 2enny, ~no~I~'-C~ JACK: ~s. ~.O~_ I~L: My my~ whet a ~mall world.. ,Here i ~m saying ~o you "Wbs~ nu~er, ~ie~se~" ~nd only l~t week i ~id to you '"~4b~t slz% JACK: Look, you,re ~ telephone operator now, so will you ~!ease give me -- ~o~ #~ girl friend is ~eiling those girdles now. JACK:~'~!~m not interested in ~les. BB
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-16- M~R~L: ~ey have s mew model csl!ed Fatty:~ Secret. JACK: t came out five weeks a--- I don't 1-~ew ~nythlng abo-at Fairy's S~cret...Now ~!ease get me my ~iu]uber. M[~L: Would you mind rape~ilug it, si-~? JACK: Vea..l'll repeat i~..t~t's a±l I've seen doing all day... a~ I'ii repeat i~ slowly because Xf I don't ge~ the ~,ight . nu~Joer, there's gonn@ be trou-cle....I went Crescview .... ~JR~EL: Yes sir. (SOUND: ,~EN .)dZZlhO OF PHONE ONCE. ,TWICE..AND IN TP~ MIDDLE OF THIRD BWZZ.. CLICK OF RECEI'~R) NEL: (STRAIGHT) Hello, Caiifornia Bank. J~CK: (~D) Now !ook~_i_'ve h~d ~!!.the--(COI{OiE~ SWITCH TO -v~Hy ~T~,~T) Hell!llooooooob/~b/~hhhh! .... i'm ~wfully ~o.~ry to disturb you~ ~f~-7 ~ot t.he ~rong uumbe~...Goodbye. (SOUIk~D: ~:CEIV~ DO:,~N) MARY: Anovher wrong number, huh J~ck? JACK: (HAPPY) Y~s, but s nice ot~ this t~ae ..... Darn it~ this new operator isn't at:7 better than the othel, or~... DENNIS:~.~[Tore= ~ you so a~xious to get Rochester, Fro. Benny? JACK: Because he told ins tt~t he wan~ed yesterday afternoon o~f to go to his friend's wedding, end instead he wen~ ~o G~s~mau's Chlnose Theatre a~d saw ~he "Snows of ~il~/nanjaro.%,.M~t,y, ~re -ou s you s~w h~Jn with s ~i~l? MARY: Y~r Jack. ~ - ,TACK: ,~ell, i'11 bet me :~ss with Susie, .i~m goiu~ ~o ca]: }~er up and find out. ~B ~ l ;~0"1 0'~8316 I
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r -i7- DON: Do you know the rmtmbem? JAOK: I sho<id. [ochester <~&ll~ her five times a day..Give ~r~ thet phone. (SOtUND: RECE~q...C~jPDE OF CLICIgS) SARA: Num%er ~Siea se. JACk: I ws~fi--oh, It's you again. SARA: Uh huh. JACK: Now o~e~tor, this tilne i want Republic 1-1426. JACK: All~ghto s!~--~IWa~, ge, ~e the numbe~... (SOUND: BUZZING) JACK~ i hope ~%uste'~ home.) ( S~]iO : CLICK) THEBESA : Hello. ,TACK: ~ello, Sus&e, this is Hr. Benny. T_m~SHESA: Oh, hello Mr. Benrk~. JA0!g: Susie~ is Nocheater thsPs? • ~$A: NO~ lle isnlt. JA01(: Oh...Well, Susle~ where di4 ~vou sad Rocilester ~o yesterday ~fter~oo~? THFEESA: Well.. ,~here did Rochester tell you we went? JACk[: ~%2To hl~ be5% f~le~d'~ w~ddi~. Y~J~SA: That's !,±ght. _~he~ where we went. JACK: Uh huh...Well, listen, ~usie, where did th~s wedq_ip~ take plsce? T~SA: At Gra~msn's Ohl-- 0b-oh! BB BT~¢O'I 0'183162
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JACK: T~E~ESA: JACK: THERESA : JACK: ~RESA : JACk: TF~_~ESA : JACK: THERESA : JACK: T}~RESA: JACK: THERESA: JACK: THERESA: JACK: -18- Gr8%t~S ~ ~ S what? Q~aIL~m9 ~ T S CheDel. Chapel, huh?.. ,Then y~ really did f;o "~,o the ~eddin~ of Rochesterls best ±~ieDd. Tg~s~ sir. What's his n~me'? Who ? Roobosterls best friend. ...Oh, him! Yes, h~_~...what rs his name'? i don't k~o~ be just got i~ar~_ied snd ~t's been ~. I,[o~* wait a min~Jte..when s couple gets mmrried,, it's the who c~n~es her name. When did they ste~% t~ha__..~tt? (SARCASTIC) November fourth; when the Republio~l&8 ~ot in .... Now, ~usle I think Rochester fibbed to me.o.Didn't he t~ke you to the movies? Oh uo sil,. I see..~'eli, what time did you get to ~he wedding? J~lst before the prices ci~nged. ~'na b ? ~r~SA~Xl ~es~ two o~c!ock. JACK: Who geve the bride sway? THERESA: G~ego~y Peck. JACK: ~T D~S IT...Now Susie..l know thisisn,t your fsuit ~ud you're trying zo protect Rochester..hu~ he did tske you to hhe movies, didn,t he? BB R F ;,'-f O i 0183163
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JACK: ~RESA: JACK: JACI:: T~HESA : JACK: _~HERESA : ,X~CK: (APPLAUSE Well..yes sir, he did. That's sl] _T wanted to lenow. I .~s~ wanted him to tell me the truth, Susie. ~oodbye ..... Ch, Mr. ~e~ny.. "Whet? • : h6Dpen o Rochester, to tell him? -19- Now !~m not mad st Rochester, that:s sli...Gocdbys, is there anythiD~ you want me Yes, $us~.e ue_= hJml that IZm nct sngr¥ amd he can Come home. Okay...ROCHESTER, ~DU CAR GO HO~ NOW. 1,fne t ! Goodbye, Y~. Benny. (SOUND: }~RE !~R CLICK) Susie...Susie.. ,}~m:, welt till I ~ee Rochester. (SOUND: ~CEI~R D0~) BB
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-20- DON: Friends, 90 per cent of all forest fires e~ch year are ~n-csused, A c~mpfi~e that is almost out .., a lighted match o~ cigarette ~he~ is tossed ~wsF too often bursts into hungry flames thst destroy m1~]ions of ~cres of vitally needed tlmbe~iaud. So when you're in the country be absolutel~ stu~e you put eve~ fire ,.. evenly n~tch ,.. every clgare~te -- completely out. Rer~ember: orgy you can prevent forest fires. ~T~nk you. DON: Jack will be back in jus~ a mon~nt, but first .... BB R T;,gO 1 0183"[65
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DON: COLLINS: CHORUS G~3~-R: TI~ JACK EENI~ PROGRAM SUNDAY, ~GVE~R 23, 1952 (TT.~.~CRI]SED NOVE~ 20, 1952) m ~.LOSING C 0~ERCT_&L Jack will he back in just a momen% but ~i st ... Lackies taste better,t Lucky Strike ~eans fine tobacco -- Dacky Strike means fine tobacco -- Clesnel,, freshe~b smoother.~ Lucky, Lucky, Luc'~j: ou~ky Stri~me means fine tobacco ~.. Lucky Strike mesas fine tobacco ~.. Cleaner, fresher, smoother~ Better get a c~rton! Bette~ :~et a car~on! Better get ~ car~on, tod~y! DON: r~6~-,~ood !aea, fr±snds! Get ~ carton of Dackies ~oday, and yc~'re all stocked up for the finest kind of smoking ~.. because nothing ~- no. nothing--bests better taste -... and Luckes t@st£bette~ ... cleaner, £~eshe_____~r, smoother. They giv~ you the be~e_ taste of Luckies' fine, l~id tobacco. For LS/~C~T - Lucky Strike ~_eans fine tobacco. %]~t's more; Luckies give you the better taste of s better-~nade ci~erette. Yes, L~ackies are made round, firm end rally packe~, to taste cieane-~, fresher smoothe~. No wonder a n8tion-wid~ ~urvey, bssed ca ectual s~udent interviews in 130 ieeding colleges, reveals that mo#e smoke~s in thmse colleges prefer Luckies then any other clgarette.~ ( CO~I~'UED ) i~ ~ ,...~ RTHO~ L. fL43~,o
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T~ JACK BENNY ~ROGRAM SUNDAY, NOVg~ZR 23~ 1952 (TF~&NSCRI~D N0~MBER 2% 1952) CLOSI~ COM~RC!AL (C0~'D) DON (CONT'D): AM besldes, %uekies gai~ed f~ 1~ore smokers in these solleges tha~ ~e ~atlo~'~ two ether pr~cip~l ~>ramds combined, yes~ these aoil~ge ~ and wo~e~ l~ke so ~n~ Of ~B~ p~efe_~ L, Jckles ... Z~e ci~3rette ~hat ~sst~ ]~ebte~. ~u~lll ~refe~ L~kies~ ~oo~ o~ce y~ smoke th~m~ SO be heppy ~- ~o Lucky. SPORTSMEN ~IAR~T: Be ~ap~y -~ Go Luaky ~o ~ky Strike tod~y! (L0~ CLOSE)
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( TAG ) ,TA(]K: [~dles ~pJ gent~emen, next week i1~rnedi~tely followtng my ~adlo sho~" I will do ~ ~hi.~d television show of ti_e ~eson on the CB_S Television Ne%~ork. Appe~ring~ with me will be Bob Orosby~ Rocheste~ Don Wilson, ~nd -- DON: 0~ s~y, J~o 8nt to ~lk to you ~hout that. ,TAOK: About wha% Don? DON: Weli~ with television dem~r~i~ ~o ~rgr novelties ~nd ne'~ face~., do yc'l think it might bcJ a ~ood ±de~ if i ~r, ew ~ mo~s~;a abe. JAOK: Yc~ with ~ mo~staGhe?.. I donrt knaow..L~t me look ~t ?~ou~ '.'~"~,- people. !routd look too much like King F~rouk ..... ~oodnlght ~ folks. DON: [~he g~ck B~m~;~~ t~ro~'am i~ ~'±tten b~r S~ra Pe~in, ~_lt J'osefsb~l~g~ C~or~e 13~lze~ Jo~'~ T~k~b~rl~r e~ p~od~iced ~rg~ trenso~,lb~d by ti!!i~z~d Nar.k~, ~fhe Jack Benny }~ro~r9m is brought Zo 2-ou by Lucky Strike -- p~oduct of the ~eric~n Tobacco Oomps~- -- America's mentLf~oturer of ~L~arett~s. bB ~]'M01 0~83"168
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P~VI S3]D ZCR!PT A~ICAN TUfk~CCO COMP~NY !,U C~_ STHI~ THE JAC~ T~ PROGRAM ~:00 - ii:30 JM PST ~4 ~ Tk;O ~ 0183169
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J~CK B~Y PROGRAM SL~CDAy, N0~MBER 30, 1952 (TRANSCRIBED NOV. 0PENI~IG C0_~ERCIAL cont~d 26, 1952) DON: CHORUS: MUSIC: DON: (CONT'D) And Luoky Strike is the cigarette that gives you b~tter taste! SO get the cleaner, fresher, smoother ~sze you want in your cigarette. Next pack you b~y make it LuckF 5trlk~ ! Lucky Strike m~ans fine tobacco ... Luck~ Strike mesns fine tobacco ... Cleaner, fresher, ~moother! Better get a ca~ton! Better get a carton! Better get a c~rton, today! (PROG~M ~ UP AND DOWNJ_ TI~ Lnck~g Strike Program sta~ing ........ RU hl 1" .~0 "i 01~3120
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-I- (A~+I~£R CC$993R01AL, MVSIC UP A~O DOWN) DON: ~HE LUCKY- S~R~-E PROGRA~,i, ST~RZNG JACK BENNY..WITH M-~RY LIVINGSTONE, ROCFEST~R, ~ENNIS DAy, BOB CROSBY, AND "yOURS THVLY+' DON WIiSON. (APPLAUSE...~gJSIO UP AIXD DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IMMEDIATELy ~/~T~R THIS PROG.R~/~ JACK BENNY DOES HIS ~ISZON ZKOW...M~.NWqflLE, LET'S GO BACK TO LAST TZ]/RSDAy ~Z SHOW YOU K~ O:FR G~{G SFENT THANKSGIVING..OUR SCEF~ OPENS ~I JACKIS HOME. IN BEVERLY ROCK: (SINGS S01~TLY ) NIGHT A~]D DAy I AM 'I'£]{ ONE 'r6INKSGIVING COME~S AND GtTES BD-2 IIM :~JT:R DO~-E. .IACK: Rochester -- ROCK: IBM W0~<INt ALL THg] TIME I'M NOTHIN' BU'S A ONE-MAN ASSeMBLy L!NE NIGHT AND DAY. JACK : _ '-D~W~e~er --7/~4~. NOCH: DAY AND NIGHT.~ JACk: ~ what'~ t~ome oyez, ~i+0,:~+! Youtve been ~Ir~ing ~ii day teday. EOCH: ~TE~, IIM HAppy, BOSS. BE%RE ~Tf IS .~Y,A~SGIVI~IG AND I COULD HA~ BEEN BORN A TIIREBY. ,TACK: Oh, you ,~ouldn~t iLke ~hat: huh? NOON: NO.. i COULDN'T STAND BEING IN AK OV~ AIL D]{DRESSBD AND PEOPLE LGOKIN1 IN AT ME EVERy FK~ MINU~ES. EU RT;~t,01 0183~21
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~2- JAGS. -~0h. RGG~ --A~yO~A~f~GOT NO-NE~, ~vOU ~-C~-T~CL0SE ~HE-BOO~r. JACK: Z know, I how...~aF Roobeste~ I'm going to Miss Livingstone'~ house for ~ Thanksgiving party...so ~ill you he3p me get d~e~sed? JACK: NO~U~>o~ ,m golug fozm~l. ROCK: 0EAY~ BUT IF I ~RE YOU] I'D CH~A~GE MY MIND ABOUT D~ARING THAT OLD TUXEDO. J~K: Wh~, ~h~t ~id i~on ~ to it? ROOK: 0K, IT'S NOTHINI I DID, BOSS..KUT THE L~ST TIME I WENT TO GET iT~ THE CLOSET WAS PULL OF MOTHS. JACK: Moths..Oh my goodness..were they eating my tuxedo? ROCK: EATIN' IT! THE~ DIDN'T E~ LOOK UP W}I~T~ I CAME IN. JACK: Oh...well do you thiok the holes ~ill show? ROCH: I DON'T ENOW, BL~~ IF THE WIND IS BLOWINGj FACE IT~ BOSS, FACE IT. JACK: Weil~ Z don't care. l,m still gonn~ ~ear my -- (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) (SOUND: RECEIVER O~) h MG ~T~O~ 0~B:3~22
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-3- I~ B~,~[Z'S ?~S~q~F~ICZ STAR CF $TAOE, SCREEN, RADI~_m~ .MARY: (FI~,TER) Hollo, Rochester. , /// ROCH: CHH!STMA~ CARDS PRINTED TO yf~]R 5PECr~-~CATIONS.. MARY: Rochester..~'~, / ROCH: ~AX RETDqKNS NOT~Z-~, PRIVATE PARTIES CA~ AND WIleD I" GIOZ VIOLIN RECITALS AT,~]]TIIt~AYS, WO/ODIhqDS, AND ~AT MARKET /,P<~ / \, 0 ?ENINC~Z. / -, Rocheszer, thl/is Miss Liv!r~stome I've hesrd those / "\, HOCH: I IC~O~,~UT '~a'~Z GOT FOTm PEOPLE O.~x~HIS ?~Z Si~m, AND \ BUS~SS IS bUSINESS. / MARY: ~...%Ieil look, Hochestem..if Mr. Benny is'-~t printi_ng Cbmistm~s cards, notarizing s tax ~etu~n, or g~_~ng a ~)/ recital ~-t s meat m~ke~, let i~9, talk zo him. ~ JACF~ Oh....I{el~o~ Mar~. MJqRY_: ~q@l~. ~9%e whole gang is here'. ~Tner.~e ~-ou coming OVS~? ]AOK: Pretby soon..and Mar3~, I've go~ e surprise fo~ you..i'm going to dress formal. M~RY: Fo-~mal? But Jack, t~hat tzuxedo of 3-ours J.s so old it's ~reen. JACK: Mar~j, my tuxedo Jmn~t green. MARY: (LA~3PL~,IGLY) Okay, but stay away from the salad howl~ you may get stebbed with a fork. JACK: Oh s top ~-~-~ RU
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-4- ~y: J~ck..the reason I ~lled you is..l've been so busy getting the dinne? _~e~dy for you and the gang, I forgot to get ~ome flo~e~s...do I thought ~yb~ 5~o%'d ~to~ ovel• ~t the florlsts ~d b-~n~ me some. JACK: okay, Ma~y. Iill bring you <% b~if a dozen roses. ~Y: Only D2~if a dozen?..But J~ck, hhey don't oos~oh+ ,ACK. Well no, the roses ~lene don't, M~ry...but you're golug no the eNpense of the entire diD_qer, why should you spend arly ~o~e...Afte~ all, yo~I~e dotn~ enough. .MARY: J~ck, I mmant for ~ to buy the roses. JACK: Oh..oh..oK oh oh 0E%. Well M~ry, vett didn,t h~ve to beat around the b~sh..why dldnlt you come i~ight out end say so? .0f course -Till bring ~em...i}oodbye. "~"-l!/~az, d of. // JACK: What ~lid you say, MaiD,? ./ ELVfA: ~his is M~'~ gmlth on your pemt7 l~-ne, /i JACK: oh, hello, M~s. ~ith, w ELV~A: Don'~ hello me, a~d y~.can 08r~63. my order fo~ C~istm~s /~ .. JACK: But Mrs+ ~mith -w" \'"-. ROBIN: (FILTER) ~ goes for me, too. t- JACK: What>-~ / z ROBIN: ~hta/~ ~. Olson on you~ other pai, ty line. / / // (g00}m: LOUD ~c~) JACK: / But, M#. 01son -- And l'll get someone else to do ~ la&ud~y. (SOUND: L0tD CLICK)
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JAC~ tg~s Brown, p!e~ss -- JACK: JAOK,: ROCH: -5- "~IL~)(MOOL~-Z) Wh~t are your prices? ./.--'-~# I'm ~ew Ln ~hls neighborhoo~//" Oh, ~ell i Dave ~ ~egu~r price llst. MORNING./../~ \- JACK: ROOE2STER~ GET OFF ~.SE EXTE~SibN" ./ (SOUXD: LOUD RECEI'~TF~ DOWN) \ ,, j~__~very~er~_~~ ", (SOU}~: DOOR BUZ~) JACK-: I'll get I% P~ohester. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (~I~G3) (SOUND: DOO~ OVENS) ARTIE: Hello, M~. Benny. JACK: ~,rell...Hello, Mr. K~itzel... JACK: M~. K-itzel, ~b~t b~ir4~s you he~6? ~TIE: I was passing by, and i stopped to wish you a ~appy Tb~nksglving. JACK: Oh, that's nice of you...Come on in. iHTIE: -~hank you.~,walt'll T tie this leash~ JACK: Oh, you've got your dog vith you? ARTIE: NO, my turkey, I'm ~aklng it out fo~ s waCuk. MS
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JACK: ARTIE : JACK: t'~TH01 0'!83'126
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JACK: Imagine, so many re~tives...Oh m~ goodness, look ~hat b]]ne it is..~OCHEST~R, i~LF ~ GET DRESSED NOW. I'M IATE FOR MTSS LIV~GSTONE~S pARTY..(FADING)/.~T T}~ ~OIZ GANG IS ~}~RE ALREADY HAVING A WONDER}rJL T~4E. ( TR~SITION FfUSIO ) GA~ & QUART: (WHXS~W~ES AND APPLAUSE) DON-~-~qheak s~- f ello~ ~ U~p ~i se d ~/oa~ A _ dldn! t~ -I.~ _ h~h'~ MARY: Nei~e~ ~d id~ %~ ~ V ~r ~. ~-b~ anu~u~ csn--~ ix the~ ~e~4~ngr~..Now let's h~ve some more snte~talnmenb. Bob, how about ~ song? G2d~C-: (AD LIB) Yeah, 3~ah, N~no, Ma~7, ~t:a ?ou~ turn to si~/g. Ill ~ell you -~bat,~let's ~ sing a number~.. G~.~aea~ k~s~. ~d~the Sportsmen '&uartet ~lll join you .... MG
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(I ND) BOB : -TA- Z0 YOU ~T SOME01VE ~dl{0 YET YOU BAC~q ON yoUR likeS, GOODY GOODY. ~0 YOU ~ET SOMEONE ,~ND NOW YOU EN0~" !Iff~ TT FEELS. GOODY O00DY, MARy; SO YOU GA~-E ~IER YOUR EF~RT~ TOO MARy: AND SI':E ~%RO!~ IT IN LIT~. PIECES N0~ H0~ DO YOU DO. BOTI{: "30 YOU LIE AWAKE JUST S!~GING T~ BLUES ALL NIGI~f GOOI~f ~OODT, SO YOU ~HiNK THAT LOVE~S A BAR~HL OF DY}dAY-I~FE HOOR~y AND ~'GaJ~UJAH yOU HAU IT COMING TO YOU MARY: GOODY GOODY FOR YOU BOB: GOODY GOODY FOR ME BOT~; ~ ~ I~:OPE YG]'~ ~I~FI~ YOU RASCA_I~ ZOU. %UJ-RT: ~WERy TI~ YOU LIGHT A LUCICI YOU~RE G0~%:~A SAY C~]ODY GOODY_ CAUSE A LUC:TZ'S M~iDE I~GCK BE~fTER IN E-~-RY krAy LUCKY 8TRIKEIS TAgT~ BET~I~ TOO THEY*P~E A 5M0(]TI~ S~401<E IT'S TRUE TAZ~ A LOOK AT ~YfHAT FINE TOBACCO CLEANER THROUGH AND TI~0UGH. MG
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~TB- QUART: EV~ODY ShNONS A LUOIQ.~ HAS N0 LOOSE ~ GOODY GOODY Y0U CAN I~COi~V]L~rD A LUC/C~ ~TEIKE ~ yOUR ~'RI~DS THE CHRIStmAS .~JSH ~S STARTIN' C/@~. ~~/! BUY LUCKI-E,B BY T_~E CILRTON GOODY GOODY- FOR YOU GOODY GOODY FOR ME LUCKY STRIKE'S A BEYT~ TASTING CIGARETTE. ~OB & MARy: $0 YOU Li~ AWAKE JUST SI~GING THE BLUES ~.IL ~IIGHE G 00]T/- GOODY SO YOU TFX~ TrL%T LOVE'S A B~n/~EL OF DYNAMITE HOORAy AND HALiALUJAH YOU HAD IT COMIT~G TO YOU GOODY GOODY FOR YOU GOODY GOODY FOR YOU GOODY GOODY FOR ME GOODY GOODY FOE ME Ai~ I HOPE YOU'RE SATISPIED YOU P4&SCAL YOU, (A~E~USE) MG
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/ SO-XOU MET SO~C.NE I~]{0 SET YOU BACK ON YOUR ~IS- / GOODY O00DY. .. "x , / SO YOU .-~\SOb~ONE AND NOW YOU Aq~0W ~'<0~ IT'~L8 GOODY GOODY " "\\ / / S0 YOU GAVE ~R y~JE HEAR~ TOO ," A~ SHE BROEE _TT_ IN Z~ITTLE PI'~]3~ NCW Hg~ DO YOU DO SO YOU LIE AWAKE JUST 31EGIN' T~ BLUES AlL NIGHt C~OODy GOODY < \ SO YOU T~INK TH_~ I~3VE'S A BAI~BEL\0F DYNAMITE HOORAY AI~D ~LUJ~I. yOU HAD'~ OOMIN' TO YA. GOGDY GOODY FOR YOU \ \ A~ND i HOFE YOU'~ SATISFIED yOU RASCAL YOU ~I~ ~ BODY'S C~0NNA .~L%VE A FL~E TI~ TONITE GOODY GOODy. ~,~ITH A SONG AND DA~CE THE ~A~Y i~ STAR2ED RIGH2 BE HAPPY ~ZD GO LUC~~ S~K~ LU01~S FROM K~MIUCI~ GOCDY C-OUDY FOR Y~U-~,~ (~v) • DH RTMO! 01831&~0
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( 8ECO~ ROUTINE) DON: ~Tha~w~s wor~erzuL -8- ... And Bob, it w~s a swell idea br~ging the whole bend he!,e~s house. BOB: ~e!l, I thought it would bernice to have some music. MARY: Bob, I don~t mi~d your band being here, but your boys have a lot of nerve putting one of my best dishes on the piano for an ash t~.ay. BOB: What ash trmy? °.. That's for ties. M~Ry: Tips: ,.. What a gang! DON: Say, Mary, when do we e~t? ~Z]T/: Not till J~ck gets here. BOB: Mamy, i don,t care for ~yself, but I wish you'd Feed the boys~.n ~ the band. They,re starving. YAHY: Well ~can,t they hald out'? BOB: I don,t think ~o.." st pa~sed ~em ~o~@ op~cke~ ~'l,d Bagby ate my wrie~watch. ~RY : No ! BOB:~He thought the strap ~.as a long anchovy. WeLl Bob, we~ll eat in~ few minutes .... J DEIgN!g: i hope so. I~ve been ier~no~ix-thirty this morning. Six-thirty thi~ mo~ning? Dennis, how come you got here ~o e~ly? JM ~TNOI 0~83~8t
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~9- DE~D~V-B: ~rell, I ~ve-4o come by bus sr~ I ws.u~ed to make sure l'd be here on time. BOB-~Dennls~ how far do you llve from here? D~NNIS: Three miles. BOB: Well, if you~i~ only ~hree miles away, why did you start out so early? DENNIS: Who knew I,d take the right bus? DON: Oh then you did take the might bus. DENN,~S: It must have been• it got me to San Diego in time to catch the plane back here. MARY: ~Walt ,% minute, Dennis .., you took ~ bus ~o S~n Diego a~nd bhen l-ew baok here to Los Auge!es? Why~d you do that? DE~IB:~1,ne only ~¢ay I k~.ow how to get to your house is f~om the airport. MARY: Oh fine. Don, you better take Dennis home tonight. DON: Sure, M6ry. .. What time do you want to go, Dennis? DF~IS: Oh ~nytlme.~piane doesn,t heave far San Diego hill midnight. ~UIRY: Delmis ~ur mother snd f~ther celebrate Thanksgiving? DENNIS : No. ~IRY: I dldn~t think so. • / BOB~.-~ 9~LL0~S, %r~ ~E'RE WAITING FOR JACK, LETtS HAVE~SOME MORE MUSIC~.~.~IT IT, CHARLIE. "~ DON: REY "~AIT A MINUTE, BOB'L-.~AN~ I pLAy THE DRUMS? BOB. SURE, CO A/~L%D, DON, -~ .... (PI~O $TAETg ,Iv_ C$aN!T~DIVE YOU 9aNYTHING BUT LO~,, B~BY" ,.. DRUM~Y~ / JM /
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!'~RY: BOB : MARY : DORIS : MARY: DORIS : MAHY: DORIS: MARY: BOB: MARy: BOB: NA~RY: BOB: MARy: -10- ~#., nON /00K 9~! (SOUND: Tg/RRIFI0 CRASH OF EVER!-~Z~NG) (ON Oil) EONj ~ON .. GET UP~ YOtJ'RE SITTING ON THE 01C~S~qA. Now fellows, please take it easy .. I'm geing ous ~n the ~itoh@E ~d see how my maid is doing. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) (PICKS UP HUMMING "I CAN'T GIgE YOU ~JTf~qiNG BUT LOVE") (SOUqTD: DOOR OPENS 9 0C=OGES] Oh, P~u!ine, as smon as M~. Benny gets here, ~e'i! have dlnne~. YeS~ ~alam. Alld remember my insLructlons. Yes, Miss Livingstone ... I must s~rve everyb~y from the l~ft. Everybody exceDt Don W~Ison. How do I serve Mr. Wilson? F~om both sides and j~p b~ck f~st ... Now let's see what els~ --- (S00~D: L~OR OPENS) Say Mary, I just thought of somethlng. Just a mlnut~, Bob, I'm talklng to my .~aid. '~! ... @ETA LOAD OF ~OSE IZGS! BOB~ I~M LOOKING AT THE TUR~Y. On. O18378:~
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-'LL- HOB: Anyway, Ma~uT, when the food's all ready let me know ~d l~II help you serve i~. MARy:.~'~,nk , hut it wonlt be necessary ... l~ve hi!~ed a butle~ for the day. BOB : Okay .. D(~i~ ~. Gosh, ~iss Livingstone, isnTt he cute? NAIVL: Bob O~osby? _. DORI~: Yeah .. He's new on the~show Isn't he? M~RY: Yes. He replaced Phll Harris. DORIS: You mean PhiT Harris won,t be here tonight? J DORIS: ~,I wish you'd told me, I set a plat~ under the table. M~/~~. Wall, leave it there. I'm sure one o~ the "moy~ in the band will -- (SOUND: DOOR BOZ~R) MARY: O-h~--~here~-*-the-~o-or-b~zh~-ff .. I'II ~et it. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS o .. FEW" FAST FOOTSTEPS MARY: (RUMS) I CANIT GiVE YOU ANYTHING BUT IDVE, BABY .. THAT'S THE ONLy -- (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Y~kRY: Oh hello, Jack .. what took you so lon~? , , JACK: ~ ! had to stop for the zlowers .. Hek-e you are, Mary.~z~_~ JACK: is evemybody he~'e? N~HZ_: Sure, they,re in the living ~,oom .. Le~.s go in. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) M~RY: Jack, you did wear that old tuxedo, didn,t you? IACK: ~It~s not so old. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) LW ~gTlgO1 O'1837i3~
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I% JACK: GANG : JAC~K :~liO s BOB. BOB; }~, Jack BOB: JAC~ : MARY: JACK: DE~NI~ : JACK: DEh~ IS : JA~: H~ YA ~ETaLOWS HELLO JACK..H~¢ AS YOU? ~y± that ~s o~i[in~l. A Zuxedo made otlt of chlorophyll. It is mot made ou~ of ~hloroph?ll. =~ell, it could use ~ little, Never miDd ,, this is 8 perfectly good suit. wrong with it. I've got one just like it. K~ S~e. -12- There is nothing I wea~ it in all the gt. PatrickTs D6y Par&des. Dennis ... do me a favor. Don't be ~n my side. Now go sit JACK: ~Hm..If he ~hinK~ _ m going ~0 a~K ~I !~, y.) Bay Jack, you should~ve been heTe ~ few ~inutes ~go. I did t,~p dance. JACK: Y~u did, eh'! Well, ~ou kld~ mustlve %eeu havJ_u~ ~ lot of fun BOB: yesh,[~ g~eat ~e~ting ~ogether~o~ T~ ~ike this. J~CK: You said -t, Bob, ~-d thi~ vea~ould ~iI be thankfu~ .. I ~ow I am .~er[ ! get up in the morning, I hesr ~he birds singing ~e go5 the beautiful moonlight at night .. I get ~II the fresh ~Ir I need ... all the sunshine I want. MARY: So fa~ ~t hasn,t cost you ~ d.~e. F) I ,'N 0 1 (.} "1 8 ;7 t B
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-13- ,TACK: ~at are you complaining about~ you got your flowers, didn,t you? Now let's not stand around ~guing. ~nat we meed is entertainment. ~RY: Thatls right. Say, Dennis, It,l! be a little while before we eat .... So how about a ~oug? DON: ~eah, come ~z~-n' Dennis .. ho~ abollt it~ BOB: g~e-kld? go ahead. DF2~IS: Itt8 about time somebody asked me2 IJve been here ~ince ~ix-thlr ty. JACK: (iTm s¢~J~not gonna ask him ~hy.) ~Ry: Jack, while Dennis is singing wills~u mix the salad? JACk: Sure, Ma~% but let me wear you~ apron, I don't w~ta get my tuxsdo dirty. M&RY: ~ere you are, JACK: Thanks..Now Dennis, go ahead and sing 7our-- (SOUND: DOOR imzzm~,,) ..... JA(~i I'LL GET IT, M&RYW HOLD~.HE SONG TILL I COME BACK _KID. (SOUNE: POOTSTEP~ S ) JACK: (H~) When you ~ay I beg your pardon, then Z~!l co~e b~ck to you .. Whe~ ~vou ask ~'e to -- (SOUND: DOOR OP~-,Ng) gACK: ves? NELSON: HOW do you do .. I~ this Miss Livingstone,s residence? JACK: Y~s, yes it is. NELSON: Well, Miss Livingstone is expecting me for ~nanksgivlng dinner. JACK: Oh, oh .. Well come ~ight in .. You got here just in time~ the ~ln's just starting. NELSON: How nice. JACK: He-e, let m~take you~ hat. ~4 ] }{0'~ 0183186
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-14- NELSON: Thank you. JACK: Your coat? NELSON: Thau~ you. JACK: Now follow me .. ~ KIDS ,. Oh pardon me, I didn,t introduce myself .. IIm Jack Benny. NELSON: Now do you do, I~m the ~ew butler. JACK: HEY F~ -- WHA_ T? .. TNE BUTLER! ~LSON: Yes ~. are you the downstalms maid? JACK: I haone___~n to be ~ ~uest here..I'm wearing thls apron because I don't wsmt to get salad dressing on my chlorophyll -- I mean m7 tuxedo. If you,re the butler, the kitchen is right through that door. I~ELSON: Thank you. JACK: Hmmm. (SOUND: FI~~ FOOTSTEPS) MARy: Jack, ~ho was that at the doo~'? .IACK: Nobody. ~: Well, whose coat ~md hat ere ~ou carrying? JACK: Oh dsmn i% ~'~e 7pur butlerI s he ~ius__~t came in. GANG: (LAUGH) JACK: All rdght, all right..Go ~lead and sinS, Dennis. DENNIS: Mr. Benny, I1m going to introduce a new sonS ar~ if you like it, maybe you,ll wanta use it on youx• television show. JACK: Maybe, let's hear ~ ~LU. ( PLAU E) (DENNIS' SONG -- '~REAMS AEN ALL I OWN") (AppLAUSE)
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p JACI~: JACK: JACK: BOB : AM -15 - NCNfIBE) GANG AD L~S: THAT WAS WONE~EFD~...GREAT... S~qELL. MARy: HEY, FELLOWS, FH TLLOWS~ iN T~ DINING ROOM, DIN~9'S OH THE THOLE. rf3NNIS: ~OUT TIME, I'VE BEEN BERE~X-THIRTY. JAC~: Dennis. Tim not gonna ask Tou whT, so be qL~iet...}~f KIDS.., LETIS ALL MARCH Z~.~ .W~ LL HAVE A~GOOD OID CO~GA LINE. BOB : OKAy. C%&NG: DA DA, DA DA, DA, BOOM DA DA, DA DA, DA, BOOM DA DA, DA DA, DA~ BOOM (SOUND: OBJNCT FALLING AND THEN GLASS 0HA.SN) JACK: DON,~ CAN'T CONTROL IT, DON'T SWIED IT!...~DR h~AVEN' S SAKE. MARY: OH ,IACK~ N-OU AND YOUR I,:~AS...NOW OOb~ ON IN, FSLLOWS...'fSZ DI}~ER WILL GET COID. DON: OKAy, LET'S GO. (SORND: NOISE AND SHUFFLING OF ~T) (OFF MIKE) JACK, ].;EtBE SHORT 0F CP~AIES...BRING IN ~ PIANO BENCH. ALL RIGHT, fILL BE ~I~ YOU IN A MINUTE. (so, BE: 'oot s Ps) (HEM, what's this dish on top of t.he piano?) (SOUND: RATfLE O? COINS iN PLA~) (OFF) ~ O:~CK ~T~-~7]D'R HANDS OUT OF 'I~%=RE, THAT'S FOR THE BOYS. RTHO! 0183;88
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-16- JACK: Oh. (SOUND: LOT OF COINS DROPPED ZN PLAZ~]..,STOP) (SOUND: ONE C01N DROPPED) JACK: How csn she see from the other room?...~ ~ CO~ D~_TH PIANO _P~NCH ~ (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JA ' ~-~o~,--why-~ee~L~--~;J~~-~;i-t-~Ln2 Are MARY: I wonder whatls keeping thah butler. OH ORO~TEY...CROVI~YX JACK: .~. do ~ b know wh~ you biped uhab smart-~? ~ck butler ~lyway IIII get him...~Y, ~R0~q~Y. (SOU~: DOOR OPENS) }~J SON: Yes, sir. JACK: Crovney, we're ~eedy to -- Cro,~ey', why did you co~e in here baPefooted? Wl%ere 8re your shoes? JACK: wm~t?~ ~ NELSON: I used to work in s wine~#. JACK: Stop with the Jokes... just bring in the food. ]~LSON: All ~ ~ht. (SOUND: DOOR SL~) AK ~TH01 O'lB3189
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JACK: I~LSON : JACK: N~2Y: JACK: JACK: MARY : JACK: DENNIS : JACK : DON : JACK: MARY: BOB : Bb~BY: BOB : B~GBY: ,TACK: What ~. but!e~. Mary, I still can.t understand what mede ~,ou hlre him. DINE~R T5 5ERV~D..,.BERE~S THE TW~/. Gee, that turkey looks good. Jack, will you do the carving? ,~u~e, I love to carve...Give me that kmlfe. _EN~G OF ~I~~...~]~L~E OITTT~G ON PLAT~.~) ( SO~: 3F~~P Ma~y, what do you want, white ~eat or dark meat? White meat please~ How about you, Dennis? !rll have a drum stick. Okay...Now Don...would you like white meat, dark meat, a leg, or a wing? Yes~ thank you, with mashed potatoes. Hmmm. Say Bob, look at Bagb7, he~s eating with his hands. What do you want? F~ve you t~ed vou~ ~ife and fork? Yes, ~nd Dhey "w~ delicious. What? BOB : JACK: NELSON: MARY: , NELSON : eats everything...wrist bands, jewelry, shoe-horns -- How do ~rou !Ike that. Oh Miss Livlngstone; shall I serve the ho~ biscuits now? ~fesj Cro ey. Very well~ (SOD~: LOUD pimp OF BbJ~ i~0 MlV~T) There. LW [9 ]-~0 1 0183190
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-18- _MARy: C~ovney, don't th~o~ the biscuits. JACK: Certainly not. F~d~Y: Why don,t you stand closer to the t~ole? ~LSON: I,ve been watching these people eat end I don't ~aut to get .M~RK.~ --W~t ? J . -minmbe-. MARY: ~ Crovney, your job is just to serve the food and not to antagonize the guests. NELGCN: Yes, Madam. DENNIS: SAY MR. E~NNY, HOW ABOUT MAKIN' A SPECK? CWLNG AD LIBS: -TEAH...SPEECH...SPEECH, ..COME ON JACK..MAKE A SPEECH. ~%~RY:~ahead~ J&ck, say something... JAOK: Wel -- MARY:~h~S the first time we've all had dlnner together in a long JACK: Okay. (SOLmD: HITS PLATE WITH ~GTIFE) JACK: (CLF~iR5 TBROAT) Well, kids, ~t~e sure nice for all of us to be here on Thanksgivln~...Tha~ks~iving...a day set aside where families can ~r together in common bond and humbl; give thanks in a spirit of brotherly love. ~TY<O{ 01B3{9 {
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~J JA L~.: MARY: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: Z&CK: JACK: ~V~LSON: ,TACK: AK -19- [~snk Vou...Yes~ ~usnksgiving...a day that was or!ginally started by the Pilg~/~ Fathers...The Piigr~n Fathers..~thst stalwart, staunch group of men and women who left their rmt ive shore-- Don, stop eating. And s/'ter ~eny months of suffering bad their hardship: rewarded by ~afel7 ]andi~ at Cape Cod in the year of 1620... Yes, O~r Pilgrim F~thers -- Jack .... Our Rilg~im Fathers .... Jack -- What is it, Don? • "he Pilgr~ns didn't land at Cape Cod. They lauded ~t Plymouth Rock. No no, Don...it was u~pe Cod. Jaok~olboy [~ows that it ~as Pl~nouth Rock...Row can you say Cape Cod2 Don~ don't tell ~e 8~vthln~ mbo~t bistoz~. I went to school, too. And I say the Pilgrims landed st Cape Cod. They dldn~t land at Cape Cod...it was Plymouth Rock. DON~ [~d~Y IANDED %T CAPN COD...A~ IF yOU DON'T-- JACK, ~JT DOWN T~&T CARVING ~%T//~E" 0h~ pardo~ me! BF~ST! Crovne~. ~ ~ ~ ~ .t~iR., . . ,Now, Don, this is Thanksgiving. so let:s not quarrel,...You think it ~es Plymouth ~ock~ I know it was Cape Cod...and you oar- ~'~ take my word for it, X i~ew what Z~m talklng about. F~ T ~40 ~ O~B3792
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DON: JAC~: MARY~ JACK: DE~S: -20 - WELL, SO DO 17 ~T WAS PLYMOUTH ROCK• IT "WAS CAPE COD: Oh for heavents sske, cut it ou~...Crov~e~', serve the dessert, will you? I will if those two geutlemen will get off ~b~ table. i WILL IF ~ W~LL. i'll have some more of that white meat. JACK: THAT'S MY LEG! ~,~S~6/Lc4isb-~ t6rd n!e soone~ I ~ut ~gr~vy on ~ JACK~ Well~ w~e it off~•~NOW DO~ ~ILSON~ I THI~r£ IT'S AWFUL FOR YOU TO C©~ HERE CN THA~BGIVING~ ACCEPT ~yIS HOSPITALITY~ ~D START ~ BIG ~iqGU~ LIE~ TH!S~ • • DON~ I DT-DNTT START ~ ARGUIV~ yOU DTD~ • .AND Y~ CA~ ASK ANYBODY AND T}~"Y~LL ~LL YOU TBE PII~EI~ LANDED ~IN PL~CU~ ~OCK~ JACK~ I DON~T CARE 'WHO YOU A~ I STILL SAY THEy LA~ AT CAPE- OOD~ MARY~ JACK~ FOR GOOD~SS SAKE~ FINIS~ TH~ ~£~OH YOU ~TARTED~ JACK~ I~LL DO IT IF Z%~FOZBODY "WILL SHUT ~P ............... Now a~ 1 wss saying, friemJs° .~e ~re @8~here~ here on Tha~ksglving d~y ~n ~ splrlt of friendship... g: JACK:~/~...~hat in itself .epresents that binding tie between ~ll people... [...(MUSIC STARTS),.~.;..~Let,s try, feiends, letTs t~y to keep the feeliug that is so prevslent on this dsy throughout the entire year... (-~]SIC LOUE~R)., .So whenever you feel discouragedjust' ~ think of the spirit of those Pilgrims, who ssilnd across ~he ocesn deep end fin~lly landed st Cape Cod. (APPL&U$E AND PLAYOFF) 9/[
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JACK: DON: Ladies and gentlemen, 7Tll be back in just a minute because i want to tell you what I'm golng to do on my television show ~h~:ch goes on immediately after this p~og2am... But firsth~au~p~n~ur~m~ou~... I~ear, more than a qu~rte~ of a million homs~ weee ./ ~avagea~h~. firs...thousands of Americans ]mst their llves~ And most of the@e flees were causje~.by someone's car~!essness, go,~oe ext~emel~are£~l with fire. Replace all defective electrlca~wi~i~g in you~ home...don~t smo~e in bed.o.be~ure that e~ery ma~ch or cigarette is out. Remem/ber~ oulyy~ can prevent fi~es. _%han~ you. (App)&/J~E5" ~'~\ ge~'will be bac~ in just a moment, but fl .rst~....° BB t:i ];~ 0 'I O'l ~93 't 94.
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THE j~CK BE~ PRC~P~N CLOSING C O~L~E R3 ~ (TF~Z~CP/B~ NOV. 26, 1952) D0-N: C 0LLINS : CHORUS CI~EB: DON: &~k~wITi--b~ ~ ~k--~u~u~b-~u~om~r/c7/~... Luckies taste betterl Lucky B~ike Means flu~ tobacco ... Lucky Strlk~ zeans fine tobacco ... 0leaner, fresher, smoothest Luck~, Luck~, Luoky~ Lucky Stmlke means Pine tobacco .., Lucky Strlke means fine tobacco ... Cleaner, fresher, smoothe~ Better ~t ~ carton~ Better get ~ ca~onL " ~ette~ get • cs~, tOday~ Friends, you~ll cheer Luckles too, once you smoke them because in ~ cigarette nothing, uo ,.. uothlu~ beats bstt~r taste. And Luckles do taste better ... cleaner, fresher, smoother~ Now tbls better taste starts with Luckiss' fine, mild, good-tastin~ tobacco. Everybody knows LS/MFT - Lucky Strlke me~us flue ~obacco. And just as Important, Luokies taste b~tter because they~emadebetter. They're made round and firm, ~nd fully packed to give you a cleaner, ~r~sher~ smoothe~ taste. No wonder a natlon-wide suz~ey, based on actual student lutervlews in 80 leading colleges, reveals that mo~e smokers in these colleges p~efer Luokles than any other clgarstte. (~0~) DH , .~ it~ P, 1;,WO'I 0183 9-*
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THE JACK BE~Y PECGp~ SUNDAY~ N~E~BER 30, 1952 CLOSIN~ COMmeRCIAL CO~'D. (TI%~CI~B]~D NOV. 26, 1952) DON: SPOFIS~ QUA~ET : Yes, and Lucky Strike gained far more smokers in these colleges than i;he nation~s two other prlnGipal brands combined. NoW, the ~umbe~ One reason the studezts gave for smoking freckles was bette~ taste~, No doubt about it; nothing, no ... nothin~ beats better taste ... end ~uek!es taste bette~ ...oleane~ fI~sher~ smoothe~. Rememb@r that, when you step up to your favorlt~ clgsrette co*intel% Bs happy -- go Lucky, get better taste todsy~ De Happy -- GO Lucky Get better taste ~Oday.' (LONG CLOSE) i? DH 0'183 'I 96
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( AS) ROCH : BOBS, YOU HAV~'T GOT TI~tE TO BEAD. YOU'RE Z~POSED TO DO YOUR TELEv-IbION ~EOW IN ~{IT~TY ~CO]{DS . JACK: y know, Rocheste~ .llm rmt reading, i'm just looking something up in this history book. ($OO~: ~AG~ TURNING) JACK: Here it Is ..."In the year of 1620 the Pilgrims la~ded at Plymouth Rock'~ .... H~au...Gee, It ~asn~t Cape Cod .... It was Plymouth Rock....Don Wilson was right ..... Well, I hate to do this, but I guess I'll Just have ~o call him up and fire him ...... if hers so sma~t, he can get ~nother job. See you in a few ~econds, folks. (APPLAUB~ AND MUSIC) DON: The Jack Ben~@Pmogrami~-written by~e~m~, MTTt-- ~ee~,-~rge-~John Ta~aberry and p_oduce£ and transcribed by Hillla;~ Marks. ~-~.~ The Jack Benny Program is b~cqlght to you by Lucky St~i~e -- product of the American Tobacco Company -- America's !eadlnl[ manufacture~, of cigarettes. BB
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0 o~ r~
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~0GRAM #13 REVISED ~CH IPT ~34}~ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY JACK B~NY ~RC%~ 8L~NDAY DEC~E4B~ "~ CBS (T~NSORIB~ DEC. #, 1952) ,k
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THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, DE~;FH~BER 7, 1952 (TRAf~CRIBED DECI~ 4, 1952) ~?ENING COM~IRCIAL DON: COLLI ~1~ : CHOEg S: COLLINS: CHORUS: DON: COLLINS : CHORUS: SL T~ JACK BEf~ PROGRAM o. o t~anserlbed and presented by LUCKY STRIfe4 Nothing .. o nos L~o_t.~ - beats better taste' "Luckles taste bette~! Cleaner, F_~esher, Smoothe~L Luckles taste better! Cleaner, Freshe~, Smoother! Remember that~ friends ,. for 1~eal smoking enjoyment, nothing .., no, not~i~ beats better taste, And ~ackies ~aste bette~,. •.aleaner~ freshe~,~ smoother. I~d lik~ ~o explain just why that is. So let.s ~tart where Luckles do o. • .. with ~ood-tasting tobacco. You just have to ~ve Luckles, fin% li~t, naturally mild tobacco to bes~u with~ or you%l never wind up with Luckles. bett~r taste: And f~lends, reme~oer bbis: Luckles a.~e made better to taste better - ~o taste cle&ner~ fresher and smoother. Tha~,s the secret of ~eal svoklnS enjoyment - L~ckles. fine tobacco in a cigarette tha~rs made better to taste be~ter -- to give you a cleaner~ fresder, smoother tasting smoke. Bo~ Be Happy - Go Lucky~ and get the better ~aste you,re ontitled to. when you stop at a cigarette counter, stop and consider this: Nothing ,.° uo, u_othing beats better tastel Luckle~ t~ste better~ Cleaner, Freshe~ Smoother,~ RTN0/ 0103200
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THE JACK BFzN~/ PROGRAM Cif~y DEu~E'-~ER 7, 1952 (%1RA~IB[D DECiJ!MS~ 4. 1952) 0PEh~ C0~CSAL " CONT ' D COLLI NS : 0.H0~ S : 00ylZNS : CHORU S : MUSIC: Luckies taste better~ Cleaner, Flmeshe~j Smoother~ Lucky Strike means fine tobacco - Richer-tasting fine tobacco Luc~es taste better~ Cleaner. Fresh.r, Smoothe~ Lucky Strike! Lucky ~trike! (PHOGRAM THLV~ UP AND ~rN) DUN: The Lucky Strike pro~am sta/ring .... SL A THOI 0 ? LR32¢3'I
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(FIRbT ROUTINE) -!- (AFTER CO~94ERCIAL, MUbIC UP AND DOWN) DON: ~{E LUCKY ~TRIKE PR0O-~l, STARRING JACK B~-ArNY...WITH MARY Lrv-INGbTONE, EO(~TER, D~VNIS DAY, BOB CRO~BY, TKE SPORTSMEN QUARTET, AND "ZOL~S TRULY" DON WII~ON. (APPLAUSE..MUSIC I/P AND DOWN) DON: AND NOW, IADIFm AND GZ~, LET'S ~}0 OUT TO JACK B~'b HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILIS. AND ~ml~ THOUGH THIS IS 0NIff THE FIRST ~61~H IN DEC~iBER...JACK Ib PREPAEING TO MA~ HIS CH~,rS~4AS CARDS FABLY. JACK: Now, let me ~ee, Rochester, who else do I want to send a Christmas Card to?...Oh yes, put down Joan C~awfoMd... Barbara Stanwyc~... ROCK: A LITTLE bLOW~, BOBS, I CANIT WRITE THAT Fg~T. JACK: 0h,~1 m~ sorry. (SOm~D: ~ scP~CKIN~) EOCK: JOAN .., CP~W ... FORD. JACK: Barbara Stanwyc~. (SOUND: PE~ SCRATCHING) ,~ 5A ROCH: BAR...BARA ...... TAN...NYCK. JACK: Jascha Kelfetz, ROCK: J&SH.. ,A....BOS~, DO YOU ~F2{D A CH~ISTM~ib CAED TO JA~CHA JACK: Well, certainly. AINer all, we ba~e a lot in common/ A~ a matter of fact, last gear My. Heifetz eent me a stPing off the ~Jiolin he used when he gave a concept in Carnegie Hall. ROCH: OH YES, I REMIt. R 1 ~'O 7 (.I "i B 3 2 0 2
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-2- JACK: By the way, Eochemte~, what did I do with that string? ROCK: YOU P~JT IT IN YOUR PAJAMAS, JACK: Oh yes. Tonlght~ ~emlnd me to put some ~.osin on it, the ~no~ slips....Now let:s---'dalt a minute, if the violin string i~ in my pajamas...where's the pajama string? ROCK: ON YOUR VIOLIN. JACK: Oh yes. No~ let's get on with this llst. JACK: ",,,,Let\ me see...er...Jimmy Stewart ....// ROCK: J~Z4,..MY .... ~T~...ART. JACK: Ethel~,~rrymo~e. \ EOCH: ~I~...EL~ ..... PARRY.. ,MORE. JACK: Callforn~a Bank. ROCK: / // / / / /" // / CAL...I....B0b~, YOUIRE GCNNA S~D A C~IST~AS C@~D TO \\ // C~LIFORNIA BANK? -,~ / '\ / JACK: Ye~, Rochester, they~sent me the n~cest calendar. ECHO: CAL..,I...~DHN..,IA.... BANK.', / JACK: Marilyn Monroe ... C~ee~ I dld~:t ~eallze I had so many f~iends° Now let'~ see .,. ~ho else...Oh...Cha~lle Ba~by... ROUR: ~ HIKe. // JACk: F~an~ Remley. / ROCH: ~RANK RKM...LEZ~,'~ ",, JACK: Klug Fa~ou~ .// ' ROCK: KING FAROUE? ', JACK: ~ met h$ at t~ casino lu Monte C~le, W~ ~er~ playing ~ul~t~t~ I~g~n~ ~cheste~ he put three hundred and ~ixty / thousand dollars o~ the ~ed...I put a dolla~ on ~he'blac~. // ., / \, / \, VR RI"NO I 0"183203
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J JACK: ~eg-yes~-.~et~-me--see~..Oh, there's one Christmas card I mu~%t. send out...~0 General Eise~hower. ROC~: DO YOU F/~OW HIS ADDE~? JACK: .Bv,..no...~...Oh~ .T k~now...l~ll address the envelope this wa~...General Fz~ight D. Eisenhowsr...Washlngton, D.C... Ca~e of Ha~ry T~aman -- Please hold....[:I! send one to president T~man, too...Mal~ ~h~t one "Pl~se Por~&r~" .... Now let's see...who else should I --- (souse: DOOR BUZZm) JACK: RoChester, ~las that the front doo~ buzze~? ROCH: Y~ ~I~. (SOU~: LONG PAUSE,..BOOR BUZZ~) ROCk{: THE~E IT NG~ AC~IN. JACK: Well, go answe~ it: RoCH: O~ OH 0~, THAT~~RIG~T, YOU MADE TH~ BED~ ~I~ MORNING. JACK: Ys~ yes, I ~Id~W ~-~ ROOK: YES SIS. {SOUND: DOOl~ BUZZ~m) R06~I: COMING'. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS .,. DO0~ OPt[S) ROCH: OH HELLO, MI~S LIVINGSTONE...H~uLO, ~. CRO~I~f. ~'NO~ 0183204¸
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MARY & BOB: Hello, Rochester. (sOUND: BOOR OL0~E~) MARX: Is Mr. Benny in? ROCH: OH YES. HEIS _,~ THE DEN...HE'S ~ WORKING ALL DAY ADDRESSING C~ISTMAB CAR~. BOB: Sold that ma~y, oh? HOCH: OH, ~IE~E ARE HIS PK~SONAL C~BO.. , .THE ON~ HE'S S~DING TO HIS FEIEND~. MARY: Am I on the list? ROOH: OH ~, MIB~ LiV~GSTONE...AND NEXT TO Y01~ ~i~ME 7~ A NOTATION.. A4R I$TWATCH. MARN: H~m, awl, Istwatch, huh? ROCK: AND HEKT TO ~. CEOSFf'~ NAME ib "GOLD CUFF LI~]5". BOB: (}~OIT~LY) Hs~, Ha~y, isn'~ t~hat ~onde~D/1..a WPistw~tch next to your name and gold cuff links next to mine. N~FY: Bob, don't get excited. Jack is just trying ~o guess wh~t he's gonn& get f~om us. Be .BW--~'? BOB: Well~ th~t-osue-eyed ~ox~. M~%RY: Come on, Bob, let's go into the den. BOB: Okay. (801~9: FEW FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR OpF~) MARY: Hello, Jack. 3ACK: Hnh? .... Oh hello~ Mary. BOB: , Jack. VR ~]'MO'; 0183205
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-5- JACK: Hello~ cuff links...I mead...llsl!o Bob. BOB: T~t are you doing? JACK: ~I~m addressing some Ch~ist~s cards. I~ac-i~Ini~h-the~i MA : out fo , BOb by. Oh... ~ ...-~'/ JACK: DENNIS : JACK: MARY: Say, BOb, I nt to a~k you -~ did you/really kl]ow it ~s me when you whistled?\, .-I BOB: Cel, talnly, Mary...You aon~:t~think I'd...walt a minute, did you know ~t wee me !~h~n you smiled? MARY: Well, ce~tainly~/Bob. ~- .~ ~OB: The~ how Come you got into the Wrong car first? MARy: (LAL~HTNGLY) I didn't know which one whistled.~ JACK: Al~r4ght-~i~fa~e~-sub~mct~...Mary, do / you think I cughte send a card to-- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZEN) JACK: Mz~y, do you think I oughta send ~ c~rd to -- (SOOND: DOOR BUZZEN) MARY: Jack, that's the door buzzer. JACK: So wb~t? I made the beds this mornlng...ROC~TERt ROCH: OH YE~ .. COME IN. JACK: Well, I could h~ve done Chat. (~OUND: DOOR OPE~ AND CLOSES) (OFF) HEY, WhU~E ID EVerYBODY? In here, Dennis, i~ the den. Oh. (~0OND: FEW F00TSTE~S) V~ ~[:WO~ 01 83206
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DENNIS : BOB: JACK: Hello, Mr. Benny... Hello, Mary.,.Hell% Bob. Hello, Dennis. K'ya, kid. Hello, Dennis. -6- DENNIS.~wM~ Benny, I h~ve a big surprise fo~ you. JACK: Stu~rise? D~NNIS: yeah, I donlt ~ow %~hethe~ you kzo~ it o~ not, Mr. Benny, but ITm a msmbez, Of the Elks Club. JACK: ~,I know that. ~9 D~NIS: And every [ear we give an award to the one whom we select as the olltst&~ding personality o~ ~adlo and televlsionr. JACK: DENNI~ : JACK: D~NIS : JACK: DENNIS : Well~ And since I was the one who nominated you and ca~npalg-ned for you, I felt i should be the one to come o~er here and tell you. Certainly. You lost. I.~.I lost? Bellevs me~ Mr. Benny, the way it turned out, you don't ha~e to feel bad. I donlt? No. you didn't even come close. Hmmmmm. But you got one ~ote. Well, thanks anyway, kid. Don~t thank me, I voted fo~ Chef Milaml. JACK: DENNIS : JACK: IY~qNIB : JACK: DENNIS : VB ~T,~O ~ 0 ~ 832~i);~
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(SECOND ROUTINE) .IAOK: DENNIS : JACK: DE~NZb : JACK: D~N~ : JACK: -8- ~%~at was ve~l good, and it will he fine on the program, ~id. Don.t call me kld. i've baeu wlthyou twelve years and you keep calling me "~id" Well, wh~t do you want me to call you? Mr. Day. You want me to call you Mr. D~y? D~IS: Yeah...that,s whet my mother calls my father. ,Lb .iACK: M/f- i~at s ~'idlculous. o .Why would ,~Tou~ mother call your fathe~ Mlste~? D~NNIS: #iucg I was bo#n they haven't been such good ft~lends. • ,~ACH:/~/" T~t I c~n u~de~stand ... Sometimes Z think -- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: COME IN. ~UND: DOOR OPERg) JACK: 0h.Don. DON: Hi kids. OANO: (AD LIB ~fELLOS TO DON) BOB: Say Don, where were you last night? DON: Why?...Wh~t do you mea~? D~NIS: You should have been with us~Ja~ac~-~ook us all to the movies...We went to the Paotages to see "The Happy Time". JACK: Thatls right, Don~ i treated the gang to dinne~ and ev erythlng. DON: Dinner too? Gosh, where'd you eat? D~ZfNIS: In the theatre, he bought us popcorn. VR RT'K01 O'l H3208
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JACK: DON: Did you like The Happy Time? JACK: Oh high.,..I~ fact3 I liked it so much, I think ,~e may do a sketch about it on ou1~ program. DON: Well/~u think our cast will fit the cb~r&cters in th~ picture? JACK: Oh they'd be marvelous, Don...You see the leading ~ole in The Happy Time is played by Charles Bcye~. ~L ~as~nder f~/1. MARY: ~em, and he "~'~" JACK: That's right. ° .You see, Don, in this picture Oharles Boyer ~s the f~ther of ~ family ..He's in show business and plays the violin...Come to think of it/I p~obably would b~e fit the part much better than he did...Bmmm, I wonde~ why they didn't c~ll me ~hen they were casting the picture. BOB: Maybe they didn't ~mow you were available, Jack. MARY: He~s been available since "The Horn Blows At Midnight". JACK: i've b~d offers since then~ $1ster.. As a m~tter of fa¢~, I played 8 small but veiny important pa~t in a pict~me called "somebody Lo~es Me".. the llfe sto-~y of Blossom geeley and Benny Fields. g DENNIS : ~I saw that picture, |4r. Benny.. you ~ppea~ed as yourself, dldn' t you? JACK: Y~s, Dennis, Ip~yee r, npi ed the pa~t of Jack Benny, DENNIS: I thought it ~as~d~tiug. -~-~ JACK: Dennis, one more c~ack like that and I~m going to join the -9- Oh stop..,T suppose you think they i f~you those candy ba~s. Elks... Now what were we t~lking about? f9~)'~0.7 0183209
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-10- DON: The Happy Time. You said you wanted to do it o~ radio. ,lACK: Oh yes.. Now Don, Boyer's wife in the picture could be Mary • ..and they had a twelve year old son who was very much ]ike Dennis. D~NyS: I'm older than that. JACK: Physically, yes.~.'q, o~n, there were all sorts of wonderful characters in The Happy Time, including Uncle Louis....an ecceotric who always goes a~ound drinking f~om a wate~ cocle~, filled with wine...Bob~ do you think you could play ~hat pa~t? ~OB:Well, I don't know, Jack...You see, I don~t drink. JACK: ~ut Bob~ this is only "~ine. BOB: ou can et stlnkin on at stuff too. • o JACK: I ,~ess sog.~ell~Boo~ play the pa-~ a,~yway, OUt donft ~ f DON: The characters sound fine...but wh~t about the story...~ould that be appropriate for a sketch? MARY: Th8 story would be perfect~ Don.. 2fou see...T~e Happy Time ta~es place In the y~r 192~ in Ottawa, Canada...The scene is the home of Jacques" Bonnard and his family,..'lhe story opens up one ¢~y with Jacques practicing his violin. (JACK pLAYS SEV~AL BARS OF VAL~TI~A) MARY: (CALLS)(FR~NC~) Oh Jacques..,.Jacques~_~ JACK: (A LA BOY~) What Is eet~ Marie? Tv our rio een, why are you practicing .eu...I thought you ~o~ f up with ~ee headache. %rE
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-If- JACK: That is ~light~ men cherie...but the headache is all gone. I feel betteh-eh-eh-eh-~h-eh. MARY: Good...what did you tame for set? JACK: (A LA BO~) An Alk~ Seltzeh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. MARY: Ll~te~ to him feezz, JACK: ( RABUM~ pRACTTCING) MARy: Jacque%.~ op practlcing,..eet eea driving me crazy, g ~ JACK: But darllug..if I an not p~actlce, Z will not be able to cemplete the symphony y am working on...I am going to call it...Kehn Voo Deet~ Je Zwees Affle_sheh, DaD Je Re~iendr~ Ah Twah. MARY: Wmat a lovely title, "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon~ Theh I To [@ou Will Come Back." JACK: yes. (GO~ BACK TO FLAYIZD..HITS CLI~XER..pLAyS SOME MORE..HI~ ANOTH~ CLINKI~) ~Jmm...'What is wrong with this violin? MARY: your pajama strlug she eez out of tune. JACK: 4}~e~...By the way, Marie, where is grand-papa? MARY: You~ papa he ees slseplng la~e...he was out all nlgh~ again. JACK: Oh, M .A~A~--Jeeq~es~--have~er~me~n~g-49e--~l~c~eu~hau%~ our anaund }at~h_z~9 ~omen ~__ VE ~T~O~ 0~832!1
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-!2 - SACK: No~llso ~--r ace fYTl--~emom~r~ ~:-;- ~ -.~An:~ay~- M~i~7 hs- do ~a -n o~ (SOUND: DOOR 0PE~) JACK: Ah~ here he is now...Good morning~ papa~..You were out late ~gain l~st ~Ight, Were you ~ot? ME~: (OLD FRENOHMAN) Oul oul. JACK: You ~ere~h ~ glrl? ~I~: Oui oui. JACK: Was she pretty? N~L: Oui oui. JACK: What "~s her r~me? ~: Fill • JACK: Fill? MEL:Oul ou~. JACK: Well Pap~, I think tonight for once you do not go out...you go to sleep ~rly. MEL: But n% Z must go out tonight...my gi-~ifriend is glving me a birthday party. eACK: Oh, that Is might...this is you~ birthd~y. . .how old ~ee you, P~pa? MEL:Thirty-nine. JACK: Oh ye~. MARY: W~It a minute, JacQues...how old ~-~e you? JACK: Thirty mine. NAY#f: 3acques.. ,how can you and your papa both be thirty-nlne? VR f]TMO ? 0183212
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-13" JAOK: you ame right, Marle..It is ei~iculous for Papa to say he is thirty-nine. I will tal~ to him.. Papa...dee~ mwah pour~ news sum ~ee~qle maym? MEL: Mort fi!s, J'~i~e la' premier et il est le mien. JACK: Oh, ~.RY: Wh~t did p~pa say? JAOK: He says he ~OZ th~e first ~ud it is his. M~L: ~/ell, au revol~...I have to be golng. JAOE: Goodbye, 9a~...don~ st6y out zoo late. (50UA~: DOOR CLOSES) JACE: (STARTS PLAYING VAL~TINE AGAIN) MARY: Jacques~o you ~eep practlclng that. same song? J~C~: It is a new numbe~ we &~o going to do,~t the theatre, MARY: A solo? JACK: Not ~actly...you see~ I start on the violin add then a quartet ~olns i~ a~d--- Well~ Marle, it will ~auud scmethlu~ ON SE PAPELL TOU-JOURS 8A PR~!FR MAI TE~S-S~ J'AI GARDE DI LA ~I_TENN~ UN SOU~'NIR PLEIN D' I VRESSE L~ JOL~ QU'IL A VA!T PLU / TOU DEADX ON 3E TAIT pLUS W~N SUITE ON ~E PLUT DE PLUS ~ pLUS ~Z~L E AVAIT
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~KK&RT: DE TOUT P~I~ ~'-TONb CONT'D) VALENTINE VALENTINE BLLE AVAIT DE TOUT ~'ETIT~ TErTONS TON ~ION TONTAINE ~E AVAIT 0~ TOUT pETIT M~TE ~MOE~ A LUCKY SMOKE A ~CKY TE TONS ~ON P'T!L ~ToN ~L~ E' TAIT TR~ ~ C01~AE ON MO~TON L~ M~ Y~ LS M F T ~MOKE A I.UCKY bMOKE A LUG~ OUI OUZ 0UI~ ZEE LUC~ ~ FO~ ~IE TRE~ B-~ ~ SU!S P~_RiEE BE H~pPF AND CO LUCIKY S'I~IK~ IT HAS ZEE BETT~ TA~T~ VALENTINE, VAL~TINE FOE Z~ C.LF~N~, FRY~HER~ SM00~ ~M0~ THAT~ ~VING NO LOOSE ~k~DS NO ROUGH PUFF CH~EZ LA F~ME VFNC~h~ IN PAREE IT~ ~ S M F T (APPn~U~E) -!4- ~T~Of 018321~
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(THIRD EOUTtITE) JACK: Did you llko it, Marie? MARY: That ~a~ beautlful~ Jacques. (SOUND: DOOE OPl~i~) JACK: Ah, here is Uncle Loule. "w//~ BOB: (IRISH) Hello, Jacque~le..(SISH~) where can [ p'~t my cooler of Wine? -15- Oh, what a day... JACK: He used to ,peak F ench good but he spent Christmas in ~L%RY.~--- ~r~pes .__ JACK: Louis, I am cu~ious...f~ yea~s I ~e ~een you carry that coole~ around...Tell ms, ~h~t Kind of ~lue do Fou keep in Ib? BOB: M~hnaF. JACK: Mahuay Bordeaux? BOB: No, M~n.nay':sh~.%~7 ~ BOB: Oul oul. JACK: LOUis, why do you not try to o~h~uge,..~ny do you associate with people like...liKe that ~/Itar playel~? BOB: You mea Francois Rom-lee? JACN: y~...t~%at fello~ is one of the worst--- MARY: Wait a minute, Jacques...Francois Remlee ~e3 no~ as bad as you thinK.. ,Ee~ {~act, hs see quite zoe ~entl~n... 01B32"~
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JACK: D~NIS : MABY: JACK: DENNIS : MARY: DENNIS : JACK: D~NN IS : ~OB: MAWZ: D~NIS : -16- JACK: What do you mean, Mou Che~le? MARY: Well, yesterday after zee z~In, thePe was a big puddle of water on zee boulevard. .and 8o that I would ,Not get my feet wet, Monsieur Remlee let me step on his coat. JACK: He did not let you, he just happened to be lying there.,. Tomorrow it could be Monsieur B~ee. So do ~ot think that 61 (SOD~D: rDOE 0P~) . ~/ Ah, our son De~ees Is home/~om~school. (~EN(~) Hello mam~ hello ~pas hello Uncle Loule. Hello~ ai¥ son. Hello, Denees. How did you do with youl, studies bod~y, Deuces? Well .... Jacques you do ~ot have to woP~y about how our so~ does ~e~ school...he ees...~s the ~zaerlcans say, pl~etty sh&~p. JACK: MaPie~ mo~ cherie...it does ~ot ~ecessal~ily me~ a boy Is sharp because his head it come to e, polnt...He Is..,as the Amerlcans s~ay>, a je-~k. Me~cle boucoup, papa. ~OU a~e welcome. Well, I am going Into my ~,oom.o .I am ma~Ing a handkerchief hox for Mignonette. HO ho...5he little boy is in love with fine maid. Deuces een love with our mald...ees thees t~ue? VR ~T~01 0183216
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-17- JACK: ~t son...you c~nnot be in love with zee in~id...you a~-e ooly twelve. I~2~IS: Mentally, ~es ~Y; $&cq~es...~his ees serious .... I thee~ yo~ should hays a talk with zee maid. JACK: Very well...where is Mignonette? MIRY: She ee~ esn zee ~,itchen. JACK: I wesl go see her...Fxcuse me. JACK: Imagine my !eerie boy Denees in love weeth the maid..a%hV-- ~us~..But I cannot blame Oenees for being in love with Mignonette..,She is not an ordinary maid...She used to be g dancer in the the&te~. (SOUND: DOOR OP~'~S) VEOLA: Oh, hello~ MonsielL~ ]Bonuard. JACK: Mlgnon~tte, put down those fans ~nd get off ~he i~oning board...I weesh to t&lk to yo~ abo~t ~y son, De,~cees. VEOIA: ~et ees about time, Monsieur, you k~ow hs b~s zee puppy love c~/sh on me, VR
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VEOLA: I do not know why...I only kissed him once. JACK: Wait a minute, Mignonette...if you kissed the boy, encouraged him. VEOLA: (I~UGHING) Oh no, Monsi~ar...it was not a real hoes...it was just a leetle ene~ li~s this. Here I will show you. (V~OLA KDS~ JACK...BUT GOOD AND LONG) VEOLA: The~e, you see, it was not much. ,TACK: NO,/~ was nothing...help me down off the ironing board .... Ths~uk you...Mignonehte, i do uet know what do do about my VEOLA: Monsieur Bonaard...your Deuuees is g~owlug up... you should have a talk with him and tell him the facts of llfe. J~CK: You are r!ght~ X shall go to his ~oom and--- (SOUND: DOOR OpEhb) VEOLA:~_~There is no need to go...here he i8 oow. D~NIS: Hello, Miguooette..,helle, papa. VEOIA: Deuneem, you~ fathe~ weeshes to talk with you,..I shall lea~e you two alone. (SOUND: COUP[~ FOOTSTEPS, ,,DOOR CDO~Eb) JACK: Now Donees, I ~eesh to have a talk with you...Mlgoooette told me that you kissed her. DENNIS: ~nat i~ right~ papa .... JACK: Deuces, my boy, there a~e some thlngs you mheuld know about life. DENNIS: yes, papa. JACK: There comes a time in a father's llfe when he must Have a man to man talk wlth his son. VR
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DENNI~ : JACK: JACK: -19- What is it: Papa? I will explain...when Z was a young man, I met your mama... I asked he~, to go out with me...I soul, ted her...I got a job... she waited fo~ me.. oI worked tlll I could aITord a diamond z,!ng...thgn I pz, opossd to her...she accepted me...then we were L~rrled. And then you got me. Yes...it was hardly worth it ..... ~t t~is is the way It Is with love~ son.~.svsn with the bi~dS and~bses. DE~IS: I think I understand, papa. JACK: Good. Now go outside and play. DW~NYS: Yes, papa. (SOUND: DOOR OP~I~ AND CL03~%) JACk: Well, I am glad that is over.. H~ is so young and impressionable~ I am glad I was able to make him understand. He is a good boy.. and someday-- (S0U~D: DOOR OPEN~) DENNIS : Papa, papa. JAC[: Dennis, my boyj what is the matte~...your lips are all swollen, DENNIS: You and y~u~ c~azy bees. JACK: %~nat could only happen to my ~on Dennis. (APPIAUBE AND pLAYOFF) VR RT;KO1 01832|?
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DON: DON: -20- Friends~ last ye~rj more than a quarte~ of a million homes were ravaged by f~rs ..° thousands of Americans lost their l~ves~ And most~J~ these fires were caused by someone's carelessness. SO~ be extr~m~l~careful with fi~e. Replace all defective electrical wiring in your home ... do~,t ~moke !n bed ..~J~. e sure that evX~match or cigarette is out. Remember, only Fan can p~event fires.~~, (A LAUS ) Jack will be back in just a moment, but first .... ~R
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T~ D~CK BENNY PROG~M SUNDAy, E~CE~ 7, 1952 (TRANSCRI79~9 DECEMBER 4, 195~) CLOSI~ C0~4ER01AL DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first ° .. Nothin~ ... no~ ~ beats better ~este.' COLLINS: Luckies taste better,r CHORUS: Cleaner, Fresher, gmoother~ COLLINS: ~ckies taste betters' CHORUS: C~eaner, ~Tesher, Smoother~ DON: Yes, when it co~s to youm own enjo~j~ent of a cigsrette~ nothing ... no, nothin~ bests bette~ taste.~ And Luckies taste better . .. cleaner~ fresher~ smoothe~,r you can p~ove ~hst yourself, when you smoke Luckies. 0r~ you can ask any frick7 s~mker. 0~, t~ke college ~tudents f-~om coest to coast. A nation-wide survey in 80 leading colleges, based on actual student interviews, ~evesls thet fa~ more smokeps in these colleges prefer Luckies then ~ny other cigarette. And that's by s ~widemsr~-n.t WhatTs mo~e, Lucky Strike gelned far more smokers in these colleges then the nation,s two othe~ 9~Incipel b~ands combined! And the Number 0~e ~eason ~he students gave for smokin~ Luckles was ... bette.~ taste~ 0RCH: B~EAK IN "JINGLE BELLS"~ HOLD IN BACKGROUND JO FI]'XO ~ 0183227
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~ JACK BEhvNY P~OC-RAM CLOaI~ COMMERC~L ~CO~T'D. ) DON: Yes~ indeed ~., end because Luckies do taste betters they,ll make ~ wonderful gift for all the smoke~s on yotu~ Christmes list. Besi~es~ you can now get Luckles in their bright end chee~y new Chrlstmss carton crested by Rsysond Loewy, the world-famous dss~em. You,ll find it st shy cigarette counte~. So m~ke it e Luck~ CTmistmas ... give everyone a colorful Christmes certon of Lucky SLrkie.~ ORCH: (~EGUE TO SHORT V~MF) SPORTS~N: Be Heppy -- Go Lucky @JARTET: Be Happy -- Get Better Teste Be ~9PY -~ G6 Lucky For Chrlstmss Gifts qhis ~_'eer,~ JO F3T HO ~ 0 1B 3,:,~..
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(TA ) YACK: JACK: ' Don, that will give you a rough idea of the picture "T-he ~appy Tip~." But you oughta go see it...you'll enjoy it. Thel~ are a lot of characters that i dldu, t tell you -- (SOLgD : Oh, the phone. (s 0uq~ : PHONE ~NC~) Itll get it. RECEIVER UP) JACK: ~ello..,Yes, he's here...you want to talk to him?....What?... Yes...Yes.. ~ I ~!i give him the message....Goodbye. (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN) JACK: Dennis -- DEN~S: Yes, M~ ~enu~.~/~. JACK: On bhe way to your Elk~ s meeting tonight, get some novooalne, a new membe~ just ~oined...An@ ~enl~-~e--!e~e~~ng- fo~yetr ..... Goodnight, folks. DON: The ,Tack B~nuy p~og~am is wmitten by ~am Pertain, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Takaberr~ and p~cduced a~d transcribed by Hillla~d Marks. The Jack Benny Program is b~ought to you by Lucky gtr~ke -- product of the ±~m~rican Tobacco Company ~- America's lead~ manufacturer of cigarettes. {-~ l ~0 I O183223
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AEER!CAN TOBACCO COMPA~f I.UC!~ STRIKE JAc~ BE~ FR~ (TRANSCRIBED DEC. !i, 1952) BB ., I 8.:,,~ ~:4t.
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THE JACK ~NNY pROGRAM SUNDAy, DECEMBER 14, 1952 (TRANSCRIBED DECEMBER II, 195~) 0P~NING C0~O~0IiL ])ON: OOLLINS : CHORUS: COLLINS : CHORDB : COLLINS : CHORU~: DON: COLLINS: C~R~: DON: TBE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . .. transcribed and presented by Lucky 5trlke} Nothing ... no, [~othi~ - beats better taste! And ~emembe~ - Luckles taste bettor' 01~e~ F~es~, ~moothe~z- Luckins taste botter~ Cle~e~, Fresher, ~mootbe~.~ Lucky ~trlke me~u~ fine tobacco Riche~-tastlng fine tobacco! Luckios taste bette~! Cleane~, F,~esh~ Smoother' Lucky Btrlko! Lucky Strike! Yes, f~lends.., for ~eal smoking enjoyment, nothing... n_oo, ~ beat~ bette~ haste. And Luckins taste better,. cleane~, freshe~ ~moother. Here's ~hy: you seo, Luckles~ be~ter taste starts ~ith gao~-tast~ ~o_bacoo...flne, light) natu~a11,v ~!ld tobacco. Th~n, tQo, Luckins are made bette~ to taste better...to give you a oloaner~ froshe~, smoother~tastin~ smoke. That)s the secret of ~eal smoking enjo~ment-Luckles fine tobacco, in ~ig~ette that's made bett~ to taste ~tte~. SO bo Happy- go Luoky -~heneve~ you buy oi~aret~es, ~e~mbe~ this: No~hlng-~q,~, beats bette~ taste! And - Luakies tast~ bette~! Cleane~, fresher, smoothe~ Luoky Strike! Lucky Strike! The L~cky Strike program star~Ing .....
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(HIEST ROL~INE ) -~- (AFTER COmmERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DO'~) DON: THE LUCKY 8TRIE~ PROG~, ~_A~d~ING JA,M( B~NY..NITH M~ LIVINGST0~ ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND '~0URS TRULY" DON F~LSON. (~PLAUSE...MUSIC UP AND D0~N) DON: LADIES AND G~NT-I/@{EN, IT iS NOW MID DECEMBER...A_ND, AS IS ~%~IR Ci~TOM EVERY ~]~AR AT THIS TIME~ JACK AND MARY HAVE GONE- TO ONE OF T]£~ DDCAL DEPARTMENT STORES TO DO TREIR CILRISTMAS SHOPPING....BUT...BEFORE NE TAKE YOU THERE I~T U5 LOOK Y/~ AT ~HE O~iOE OF A PROMINENt2 PSYCHIATRIST... HY: (SLIGHT OE~4~N ACCENT) A!zoh...now, relax p!oase hack on the couch and t~ll me ~at is your halucinatlon, lTn7 are ~oo afraid to go back to work? MEL: ($LZGAZ# MOOLEY) DootoP it's on halluc[natlon...it happens every yea~ at this time...(BEGI?T%TING TO GET EXCITED) just before Chrlstmas...ever7 ysar~ Chrlstm~s. i~Z:#~,~%~a[mly~ ¢~Imly~ M~. Blaoc...don'% get excLted...lay back on the couch...Now tm]l ms..when did it first start? D~rlng the Christmas shopping rush i~ ]946....As i told you, I ~m a salesman at Gae deparflm~nt storo.. ,aDd this kindly iooking~ blue-eyed old ~entleman boo~ht a gift. ~ .Then six times t~hat day he came back~ postored me and e~ch6ngsd it for a different model. F[~: ~2~lat was the glft ~m '.<rapt exchanging? MEL: Shoelaces ! HY: He bought someone shoe-laces for a gift? MEL: Yes i'o~ someone named Don, BB ~]M01 0783226
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HY: id he posslbi~4 exchange shoe-laces six times? MEL: First he bought laces with metal tips...Then bm came back b~cause he thought plastic tips looked more modern.., (BEGINNING TO GET ~CITED) soon he w~s back a ai~. b9 Was afraid ~he ~l~tiq tio~t c.~ack, so he we~t back to ~tai t~o_s.. , ~/[EN HE GOT TO ~I~INKING ~I~ METAL TIPS MIGHT RUST. SO lie CA~E BACK TO CHANGE THEM TO pLASTIC TIPS.. (~{STERICAL) SIX TIME~ ZqE CHANG~ HIS MIND...PLASTIC TIP~, 5~TAL T IP~_, P]~TIC TIP~., METAL TIP~..~ (REALLY MANIAC ) PLASTIC TIPS, _~?ETAL TIPS.. (ENDS OFF WIT/~ P2~TERICAL CHEla73 ~i~ LA-JGP~NG ) HY: Please ~ ?ou'r~ supposed to be o~ the couch, not unde~ it, MEL: (CALM) I 'm so~y; ~octe~. , .I ~ios~t~oL.. __Tl~e~iollQwing ?sa~%eDe--~ t--me -%T~IB~ i e'~C~ ~ods mdeDat~tmerrt-~aod- s amed~Don. 7<Y~- .... Amd i~e- ke pt-excham~ bt~? --. ~E 'L4------F~un~eem-timos~ET~may_hs~kep~_Iomi~ back, ~ thLnk Well~ bell me..what did t~lis man do the next yea~? (HAPPY) A/~h, ~he DeZt year I W~s iuckT,, ~ didn't see hlm! Oh, he didn't come iuto the s~ol~. I don~t icoow~ I was in a sanz~arlum,~ Ynm~mm.. (TO y~MS~4) DeF~.ni~e~ traumatic phys~nosis ... (UP) WhsD ~ou gob out, did you go back to youm job at Zhe department store? ~0'~ 0~83227
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-3- Yes...but I was smart, . .I had Lhem transfe~ me to the jewelry depart~ent. ~fnat was sm~t about that? _~"L:,~is old gentleman didn't look like the jewel~,y buying ~ype. ID/: Then you dldo~ see him last year? Y~L: ,~, he found me, he found me! HY: A~d more trouble? MEL: yeah. once agai~ he came i.~ to buy somothlng for Do~. This time it .~as cuff links. ~f: j~/~Tl~fi/s good..who could find a~ythlng w~ong with cuff links? ~L: He found it he found it...it was t~he engraving...First he had them engraved D.W....$o I wrapped 'era..all pretty and ChTistmassy...TDe~ ho goes off happ,? and I am silently sayjin~ a prayer of thanks. BY: Ah, that is good. MEL: Not good.. He discovers that D.W. has a middle initial. '~ fi?st I~ buys the gift~ Lhen I engrave the gift, then i w~ap tho g~ft, . ,~GETT-ING HX~TEP~CAL) then he oh~nges his mind about ~J%e en ~vin~i~ so i unwrso ~ =ift~/o~ 9~n~, rewrap the gift• .(COMpI~T~y I~YSTERIC~L) ~ND THEN HE C}DiN~S }D~S MIND fd~9 WANTS CHEAPER CUFF L!N~, S0 I F~VF TO GO TI_HEOUGH %[9~PPING, ENGRAVING ~ND HE-WRAPPIhD AGAI~, Please, I~m trying to help you; stop choking me! BB ~. 183~:,c :]
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-4- al~aused~-~y~-we~k--i~}-t~-~pa~tmeu£~tc~a...avoiding your work will causa rep~esslons which will only magnify ~%is in your subconsclous. MEL: So you think I should ~o back to my job? i/Y: C~l~ainly...you will probably never run into i%is aggravating man zgain. MEL: Well, ~ have taken prscautions...this yearn X asked to be putT in zhe gardening tools department. i~/: Gardening tools? ~J~L "~v ~an~thi~gll theSS~likePeople~Ah~t~3!ve~ ~n 5be city. They hav@ no use fop H_: Jood~re ~a~ing your problem face to face with 7our face,.But remember~ should you ever ~et this man anTplace .. ,use psychologs~...be nice...be calm...be pleasant to him, and you will have no troL~ble. Don't worry, Doctmr..°I won't see hlm..but ~f I do, I~ll be calm..and i'Ii be nice to h!m~ye. Ooodbye ~ and Merry Christmas, Mr. Blanc. Me~y Christmas, Docto!~...now !~ve got to hurry,,to ti~e store. (TRANSITION MDSIC ) (SOUND: ~PART_MENT STORE NOISES..AND TIlE LIGHT IN BACIq]ROUND. ) JACK: Gosh~ Marq: no matte~ how early you t~~ to do you~ Christmas shopping, the sto~e is always c~owdsd. MARY; yeah. BB
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-5- JACK: And~e~ I can't start doing my shopping any e~rlier...l like bo buy modern up-to-the~inute gifts,~;m/-~,~-~-<.. MANY: A~ far as I 'm concerned, ~our gifts are ahead of ~he time. JACK: T£~ab do you mean? MIRY: gnu CaVe me jewelry tb~t turned green yeaz.s befo~ they~ ~41 chlorophyll. JACK: Oh stop ..Now let's see...Ibae-a~l~ea~:y--ge~e~-i-gts-f~>7 / MARY: ~fiaa~-a~e you giving your w~Iters?" / JACK: Nothing. ;-they neve~ give me anything../ / ,\ MANY: Well, Jack, do~t you think your wvi~rs would I>~ nicer to you if you were h%cer so the~V "\~ // JACK: No I don't and i'll\,tell~Fou why years &Co I had ~: wviter., k one day he cams tome ~srfully...He said he couldn't do his / '\ work because hi@ eyssighG, was so bad...So ! gave him money % . . h to go ~o an optomeorls~,, .he got his eyes examined, bought // gLasse% g~ad his contract . quit....so go be nice to k ~e~ ..... t, l--ba~t~ ,. ,I still have to bu~ lots of ~ ' to gI~ts....I m going ~-e je,~ei~y department to ash if I can find something for my sponsor. i<~RY: )fell, i've got to g~t some~hing for my mother...i'll mee~ you here later. JACK: 0kSy~y my Chvistma~F-be~ in adv~nce~- JACK: That,~ all right M~C~d you do with it? MARY: I added fiy~611avs to tt and gave Id for a N3 ~]-]WO ~ 0183230
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r JACK: ~/~iLt~e~ • .see you later. (SOU~D: 3TO~ NOISES UP,.BEL~) JACK: Now iet me see..whsre's the jewelry department...! think it's on the next floor...or the top one...I woDds_~ where -~ Oh~ +21are's the fl)orwalker...I'ii ask him .... Oh Floorwalker...Floorwalker! NELSON: k~SSSS3SSSS ? JACK: Cat] you $1ve m~ some i~formation? NELSON: Ask ms a~yth~ng, l'm a talking horse. JACK: Oh stop., you don't even look like a horse. Not flow., t4%ere,s a vezerna~ian in De~mark who does wonders. JACK:~Op with f/nat ~i!~y~ i'?! go ~o the manager and repol~t you ...... Now./?~]Z'm-look[ng fol th~ jewell~Y iepartment ...... will you tell. me where to go? JACK: L~ok-r-~%er---- ~~ d4:r~ e~ {mn 7 -dT dn- t Z-qT~ o%~ ? (SOUED: STOKE NOISES UP AND BELLS. /~ADE) BUBIN: Yes sly, may I help you, young man? DAY,IS: ~_'ss. .!~m looking fo-~ Ch~2ketmas gifts fo~ m~- mother and fa~he~. PUBIN: Well, ~his is the sporting goods department...how about some golf balls? • BB RT~OI 018323 ~
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-7- DE}~NIS : Nnooo. RU~IN : Tennis ~acke t ? DENNI~ : Nnpno. B/JBiN;~ rye got an idea...wb~t about & punching bag? DENNI~-'j-~h, at's great, now what would 'jou suggest for my father? RUBIN~JusZ a mthute, youog ~an.. you want to get this pu~ch~ng bag for your mother? DENNIS : Uh hub... RUBIN: ~hat~s rather unusual...h~s she ever had one oefore! DE~IS: N% sh~ always used ~ father. DF~NNI~. Ok~..you can send the punching bag and Till enclose e card to both n~j parents. RUB~: Yes si~..what's ~our address? DE~IS: Itls on 0range Avenue.,..The number If 32~7½. RUBiN: ~____half? Oh~.t~s~ & duplex7 DE~IS: N% ~t was hit by ]i~htniog. P3 _~Zq-~...~L~cSY~T~ save time and t~oubl~o~ took (~OUND: STOP~ NOISES UP ... BELLS, ETC.) JACK: (CALLING) Ma~y ,,. Ma~.7 ,.. MABE:~ fle~e I am, Jack .~. Did you get a pre~nt for you~ spoaso~7 JACK: Yes~ I sent him a nail file. BB
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MARY: A nail file ... ~o you think t2~at's a suitable Christmas gift for a sponsor? W- tear and compare.,,l~m sur~ netll like it, ,~ / JACK: H~h? // SblELDON: Lo time no see. /" \ • .TACK: Oh, h~!o...Come on, Ma~y.,/ f MAITf: ~ack. ~asn ~ that -- Yes "yeseS1 / JACK: e's ~D~t rgc~e track tout., ..I guess he~s 4.n town of ~nta Anita. Oh. (sou~: ~o~ ~l~) / \ 0AOK: Now let's get on '~i~h my list....I've got ~o get scmethi~Ig / \ fo.~ my twQ/telephone\ o~rato~s / \ / \ MARK: Oh ~es~M3ers~ude Gearsl~[ft and Noble Flapsaddle. \ MARY: Oh ~o, Jack. these gkrls\would never use compacts. JACK: Why not? \ / \ MA~fl fhCy ~ven oo~b eat/% ot~.e_~s\~air an ~he7 won't h~ve to look I've already given you a bonus, and I bought Dennls~s gift.., e~...Gee, I wish l knew what to buy for Don Wilson. MAEY~t to be eas~ to get something for Don....Ks just moved to a new home.. ,got something for his house. BB R1-XO I 0'1832:3:~
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-9- JACK: No, i heard him mention Lhat his ~ntire home was furnlsned by an interior decorator. MARY: Oh yas~'gait ~ minute~ Jack....[sntt Don's haw home eclat of a little ranch in the San Fernando Valley? JACK: Yes. MARy: Well why don't you get him some gardening tools? JACK: yeah..g~rdening tools .... why dldn~t i think of that....Say, Mary, I k~ow what to get Don as a Christmas present, ...a~d he'ii really agprec~at, e it. MARY: What? JACK: A g~phe~ trap. MARY: A gopher t~ap? JACK: Yes, I heard him mention ~!at his place is over-run with gophers~...Come on~ Msr~ let's go. MARY:2~ You go yourself....I 'm going to buy a gift fo~ Barbara gtan~jok....I ~iI meet you ab the pe!,fumm counter. JACK: Okay, gazz~.~'/~ee you l~er (SOUND: gTOP/~ NOISF~ AND BE~L% UP AND DOWN) JACK: Now let's see....where I¢ould I Let a gopher trap .... I wonder if %hat c~mes under hunting equipment....I guess I'll just have to ask...No'~ w~m-~ets that Ploorwalksr...oh, there 11(~ J s ~y ovor there .... (UP) OH Fi~]K][f~[AIZER... 9~OQRWALKER ! (SOUND: HOBSES HOOV~b% FADE iN AND STOP) JACK: 3:tm~m. NELSON: Did gnu call me? JACK: Yes, where can I buy a gopher trao? BB ~ 1-340 I O18323!
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NELSON: In the C~erdenlng Tools Department basement. JACK: Thanks. {SOVND: FEW B00T~TEP~) JACK: -iO- ... down in the Imaglue that crazF floo~alker saFing h~'s a horse .... Nell, £ better get over to the gardening tools department. (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP...BE~uL$. ° .DOWN A~ FADE TO-) (SINGING HAPPILY) Jingle Bells, Jingle gells~ Jingle all the way, Oh what fan -- JAOK:~/,~-Exguse me, clerk. M/~L: yes sir~ what can ! -- (TRANSITION) 0hh, it'~ you again. JACK: l~t? MEL: I'm sorry, sir ... (SOTTO) (I must be calm) (I~) ~'ll be happy to wait on yon. JACK: Thank you ... Ild llke to buy a gopher t~p. MEL: ~4~Yes si~ ... Fxcuse me, I'll go ge~ one for ou ... [Hmm, he wants a gopher trap ... & gopher tl~ap? ... %T~t ~llouble can I get into with that?) Ah ... here they are ... (UP) He.~e you a~e, sir ..o This is the mos~ popular ~ype of ggphe~ t~ap. JACK: Tt looks so eompllc6ted ,.. }{ow does it ~o~?. MEb: Well~ you opeu this little door ~. ~ set it ~it}[ this ~i-~e • . o then _out a p~ece of tomato in this Nire ca~e fo~ bali. J~Uh-- -A AK RT~J,O 1 Q18~235
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-ll- Th~r~u put it down in the hole open end first , .. p~,etty soon the llttl'6--gophe~ comes snlf~ing ~rouod like this ,,, Bmells ~ne tomato, ~alks in .... nap ...~ster Gopher i~you~ pri~one~. JACK: 'gell, that's fine ... but ~alt a minute ... ~h~t do you do with the gopher after you l~ve him trapped? M~.~,~'You have to take him out and kill 'im. JACK: H~rm ... that seems so c~el. MEL: Well3 w~ have another tYDe t~ap ~hat catches 'era and kills 'era at the same timely/ . ~" JACK: Oh you have another ty~ of tl, ap? Hmm, Y ~hadda t~ll 'im yet) ~., Yes si~ ... Here it Is, sir °. ME5:~ You spread these two sharp prongs apart ... ~t~ ghem-~d~th A this-~L~e--~%he-b~Pt-here~vT-g6t--ft'--grf-t~e-SwoTe ... " a~ o.. He t uches the bait .~. BOIN~G, a~d that s the end of himt JACK: Good . .. I'll take this one heP~ that ~ills ~ p it up as ~ Christmas gift. ME%: Yss si~, I~- A CZ~RISTMAS GIFT? '' Christmas ~...~I w~nt red JACK: Yes, I m~giviug it to someone fo~ and green ~Ibbons and ti~el and eve~Tthlng. O~y, okay. AK
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JACK: And clerk, enclose a card saying ~- _~: "TO Don" ~ knowI. b ba ~c JACK: Th~t'~ right, I'll e ck.~o pi ~ it up late~. (SOUND: STORE NOISE~ UP...B~ui,5,..DOWN) ---~e,--I~m ~et-loe~}ng-~t-these perfumesy,,.~ee,_what BOB: Hey ~ia~y. M~HY: Oh hello, Bob ~.. doing Feud" Christmas ~hopping? BOB: ~h huh .., And Mary, when you've got s wife and five kids, that's really a cho~e. MARY: I imagine it is ... Wh~t ape you getting ~he kids? BOB: Well, I'm getting both the girls dresses ... and the two yo~e~ boys ~lectric t~aios ... ~od fo~~ ~y oldest boy, I'm getting a bicycle. MARY: ~--~t's nice. BOB.~. I thought so too, but he keeps complaining ... he thln~s M he's too old fc~ a Mcycle. ~/~: Well, ~lhat ~es he want? BOB: Marilyu Monroe. ~: No~. BOB: Mesh ... well, i've got sOme mo~,e shopping to do~nna join me, Mary? 19 ]"><0 ~ O1B323P
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-13- No~ I've got to wait here for Jack ... BOB:~ That~remlnds mej I've got to buy Jack's p~senfl right now. ~I~ s ~o ha~d t~Jge~ a gift ~o~ him. H~ve yo~ny ~uggestions? MARY: ~ell, ho~ about somethlug for ~Is De~?/..~. ~u~ee or a boo~, or.m~/b~-- BOB: ~ay, I know wha~ ... III get hem a ]amp to put on the table nea~ his telephone. BOB:/~Your~e not kidding ~., it's so dark in that corne_~ that g twice I put a dime In the quarter slot• MARY: Yeah~ that's a nice gift, Itil! save us all money. BOB: see you later~ Mary. (SOUND: NODSE5 UP AND BELL5....DOWN) JACK: ~Mary ... Mar~ ... ~f: Ovs~ hore~ Jack . .. what took you So loz~? JACK: I'm so~ry~ but the store is so busy. MA~. ~cqT--~hot~e~ e~9~Tew minutes ago ~] ~g~o B~sby~ MARY: ,Ob~. Well Jack, who else do you ha~e to get gifts fo~? AK 0'1B3238
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-]4- JACK: I'll have to look at the llst. K/~_RNS: ~n~ you ma~am ... that's six dollars and seventy cents. (SOUND: CASH R~ISTERBELLANDDRAW~R) K~RN~: Yes ~ir ,.. ThatTs four dollars even. (~OUND: CASH REGISTER,..BELL AND DRA~) KE~R~: Yes malam ... -~eo dollars out of ton. (SOUND: CASH R~DIB~, BILL AND DRAWLS) JACK: ($}~TI~TAL) Listen Mary, th~y'~e playing our song ,., Oh, berets my llst ... Now ~etls see ... DON:~/~HelIo, Jack ... Hello, Mamy. # MARY: Hi Don~..~mY youl~e c~rryi~g a lot of packages. DON: I sure am. Oh~ I just got Zh@~ ~ o.L= ~uo~ts depal~ment ... You know ! llke to go hunting occasionally .., se I bo~%t myself a tent, JACK: ~geally? Single breasted or double? MARy: ~What's that square box~ Don? DON: 0h3 I'm glad you mentioned tbat~.~s a tape reco~de~ the Sportsmen Quartet and I bought for the sponsor, JACK: ~Don, a recorder is~W~wonduribl glft fop the sponsor. DON: And I've got the enti~e cast to Peco~d a greeting to him • .. ~hat is, everybody except you .... Would you do it? JACK: Well, let me he~ what you've got first. DON: Okay ,.. i'll play it fo~ you. (come.L) (APPLAUSE) AK
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QUART : (v P) BOB: QUART : (v MP) QUART : BILL : ~B WE'RE SEaDING YOU THIS C~IGTMAS C4~ING JUST SO YOU WILL _KNOW 14HAT FUN iT IS TO SiNG FOR Z0U H~ ON THE RADIO. BE HApPY~ G0 LUCKY BE HAPPY, GET BETTER TASTE BE ~FF/~ (~9 LUCKY GET B~TfT~q TASTE TODAY. THIS IS MARy WISHING YOU A [~Y C}L~I~T~AS, TOO AND WHAT A LUCKY DAY FOR US THE DAY THAT '~E MET YOU. THERE IS NOTHIN', NO THERE'S NOT~E' NOTHIN' THAT I LIKE BE ~IAPPY~ GO LUCI~ BE ~@~PPY~ GET B~_TF~ TASTE BE ~PYt C~0 LUCKY G~T BETTE~ TASTE TODA¥~ L SMF TARELEIT~qS QUITE %~L KEONN TO Y0U ~O AT THIS SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR THEY'LL SPELL 0D'R (~ERTING~ TOO. L i~ FOR THOSE LITTLE LIGIITS ON Ei~y CI~ISTMA~ TREE. ~T~OI 01~32£O
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,£ MARTY: JAY: G~ERNY: S OF COURSE: COULD ONLY STAND FOR SANTA, YOU'LL AGREE M IS FOR THE MISTLETOE AND Mh~RY J~ISTMA~, TOO F IS FOR YDUR FRIEND3 AND T FOR TIES THEY GlSfE TO XC~J ( BAND - -JINGLE BV~LLS ) DENNIS: OF ~hTEE~DDUBLIN A?~ I<l RNEY AND Tg~ SHORES BAy NAY ALL T}~ 6~N IN C-~RIST~S TBdTES AND HOLLY COME Y~JR ~£~Y AND ~AY ~DL~R S0X OF I{ELLY GRiN BE FILLED WI~q ALL y0U LIi~,~ WITH ~%HAMROOES AI~D S~-[ILIALEXS AND 80M~ GOOD OLD 7JJCKY STRIfeS. ALL: BE HAPPY, G0 LUCKY BE HAPPY, Gk~f B~ER TASTE EL~ HAPPY, GO LTJOIC~~ GET BE?T~ TASTE TODAY. (vA ) DON: ROCH: G~EI~f!N6S TO OUR SPONSOR AND A HAPPY FIg"ZY-T~KE WITH ALL THE JOYS THAT COME, FROM 5MOKING L S M F T. I HAVE TO Z~ESS LIKE ~£A~TA CLAUS AT KO~ ON CP~I~TMAS DAy. T~ BEARD I WEAR IS NOT MY OWN IT'S JU~T AN OLD TOUPAY. -I~B- ~FNO'I 01832,$1
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ALL: (APPLAUSE) LUCI~ STR]LKE, LUCKY SI~IKE LUCKIES ALL TP~ :lAY A CLE:N~R, FRESHER, SMOOT~ER ~OEE WE SMOKE ~EM NIGHT AND :~Y LUCKY STRIfe, LUCI~Z STRIEE WE JOIN IN WISHING YOU A ~/EEY ~Y C~IS~S AND A !~APPY NE:¢ :q~AR, TOO, -i4o- ~k BR
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--M (THIRD ROUTI~) #D JACK: 'Thst was~very clever, Don. Ill i~It somethlug in there, ~oo.v,~ JACK: Mor~ shopplng? DON: No, I better get home to mY wife...ehe'~ not feeling ~oo well, MARY: Oh, that's ~ shame, Don...what's wrong with Lois? DON: Oh, nothing serlous.~..~his mo~niug she was out in the garden and ssw s dead gopher...and the mere sight of it made he~ falnt/.~Jne~ll be 8il rlght...so long. MARY: ~o !ong.~o~--on Jack, we better/~Jaok...Jack, what are you thinkingA~#ab°u~ JACK: What Don said~.~.HIN -~ife faints at the sight of' deed gophers. MARy: SO what'? JACK: So what/ Mary, I bought Don the type of trap tbet kills the gophers. ~DLRT: Well, what do you wenne get...the kind that lifts their feet up and pats ~em on the Popo# ~ ~ ~c/ ~/" • JAO~: ~...I warms get the kln~g~hat t~,aps~hem alive... Wait here, I'll be right beck. (SOUND: BTORE NOISES A~ BELL8 UP AND D~JN) JACK: Oh clerk, clerk? MEL: (HAPPY) Yes slr...I've got your package right here...It~s gift w~apped ~n~ tled with tinsel ~ibbon. Just a second, I'II get it for y~u. JACK:#~Don~$ get It...I~ve cha~ged my mind. BH
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-16- NDL: Whet? JACK: I want to exchange it fo~ the kind ths~ csptures the gophers alive. NDL: Look Mister...there's really no difference! JACK: I'm so~ry...I don't ~ant the trap th2t kills the gophers. MEL: What do you csre~ you don~t know ~em personally: JACK: It rs not thst. MEL: (ALMOST CRYING) But Mister, it took me ten minutes to wrsp that gopher t~ap as ~ gift with all the tinsel ~nd ribbons.• .look i the trouble you put me to. JACK~'m sor_~qj, I donTt went the trap thst kills them...I like to be kind to snlmmls. "~ay don't you t~g it with people? JACK: Whet? I ~%~L: Nothing, nothing. (I must be polite) I~k~o~ry si~. JACK: Good...Now gift ursp one that csLches the gophers s!ive and I'll be beck. ~SL: ! kn_o~, ! ~kn---°K: (S~L~D: ~LL8 AND STOKE NOISES UP AND DOWN) JACK: H~u..Msry said s]qeld wait here...Well, since she's not he~e, I'll go over to the lingerie o~mter and buy some stockings fo~ my sistem Flomeflce. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS} JACK:~I think Florence ~ears size -- SNDLDON: Hey Bud, Bud. JACK: Huh? SHELDON: Come here ~ mitre. BH tgrHol Ol 83244-
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/" JACK: SB~LDON: JACK: S~LDON: JACK: SEELDON: JACK: S}~LDON: JACK: S}~LDOE: JACK: SE~LDON: JACK: S}N~LDON: JAC~(: SHELDON: JACK: SHELDON: JACK: later, -17- ysah,. ,Where you goin'? To the lingerie counter.~l'm goir~ ~o t~ay somme stockings for my sister. Wh~t kind? Nylon. Uh~m. Huh? Get silk stockings Why? ~ , oilk willgive ya a ~un /'or ~a money. "~ell~ i don t think I Ii get her stockings.4,I ~.i get hey something else., something resl nice...Wbst ~o you think of a sheer ~eg]igee? A great show bet! ~... Say look, fellow. Every time I run into you, y~ tout me on trains, apples, candy, everything but horses. So what? Look...Santa Anita is gonna open in a couple of weeks. •. So for once why donrt you give me a tip on a race? Okay..,Got a greet horse for you on opening day. You hsve? What is it? Floor-welker in the Second. NO, I saw him and he's carrying too much weight...See y~ STOPE NOISES AND ~LLS UP AND DOWN) BH AT~OI 0783245
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JACK: H~m...i always run into that Guy...I wonder where ~ry is... Hey~ therers Rochester dclng ~ome shopplng..I'll bet ~,s buying ~omething for me...I'm 8onns eavesdrop and see what he gets ~e. ~J~NS: ~y I wait on y~? ROC~: YES SIR..I'M LOQKING FOR A C~ISTMAS ~IFT FOR MY BOS~. KEARNS: Fo~ your boss, eh?...How ~bout e ¸tie'! ROCH: NO, ~ ~S LOTS OF THOSE. KEARNS: ~e~l, how about a wallet...or a money cli~? ROCH: MO~Y CLIP? WHAT'S A MOnKeY CIKP? KEARNS: you ~ow.°It's a thing to hold your folcing money. ROCH: I'VE ~VER HAD ANY THAT FO~....HOW DOES TT '.~0~? KEARNS: Well, it's ~ sp~ing-like metal clip that holds ~our money ti6ht. ROCH:}~'S GOT A FIST T~T D(~S THAT. .JACK: Fzmmm~mz. u~±~. JACk: ("~b-~th~x~7...walt till I ge~ Rocbms~er home) (SOUND: STORE NOISES AND BELLS UP AM D~EN) BC~: Hi Jack. JACK: Oh hello, Bob. Doing ym~r shopping, too, I see. BH RY~O'~ 01832~6
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-19- BOB: Yes, Jack...as s n~Lt~r of fact, I've gotten all the gifts for everybody except Don Wilson...Do you have any suggest ious? JACK: No, I ked 8 tough time deciding on e gift for Donzy, myself, and I finslly got him something for his r~nc~/ ~ A gopher trsp. BOB: Wsll...thst's different auyway...Aud it makes a sensible gift... Everybndy wants to kill those little pests. JACK: Oh, this isn't the kind tbst kills themr;,znls catches enl v ellve. BOB~, .... ~sll--heavens t~ Fr~nk~b/~, BOB: Jack, those k~nd amenrt good...if the gopher is in there s long time, he bites his way out end gets away. JACK: You mean the tl, aps that kill ~em are better? JACK: Well, excuse me, Bob...~ve got to take care 02" something. (SOB~: STORE NOI~ES UP AND DOWN) ~L: (gI}~I~) I'm dresmlng of s White Cb~istmes, Just llke the ones I used to -- Hello, Mr. Blanc...how is J.t goi~g? Huh? Oh~ello, Doc~o~. Did Blue Eye~ y~?~~4~4"j HY: MEL: HY: BH
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< -20- MEL: Like he had radar...He comes over ~e~e to buy ,~ gopher trap...s simple little thir~ llke a gopher trap..Eirst dec~des on one that catches rem ellve. But I made a mistake...before I wrapped it, g let him know we also had the kil~ that kJ/Is 'era. (GETT_Th~- HYS~TERICAL~I So I sell him one of those, then I wrap it and 9ut tinsel and ribbon on it, and he goes sway, and then he comes back and makes me unwrap it (CRYING) Because be wants the kind that cstches lem alive and -- HY: ~ Control yourself, control yourself .... ~re, take this little pill, it w.~il calm yol~r hexes. ~ M~L: ! c~n 't take s pill ~%e~e, Doctor...there's no ware can't leave my counter during this rush. }21: Please..I)ja the doctor.~ake the pill, I'll wait Dn Shy # c~isto~s who Come slo~. ~L: Okay. ( SOUreD: FOOTS~PS ) P~/: (SINGS) Jingle Dells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all t~ way. 2 Oh what fun -~Yes sir, may I help you? ,tACK: Ye~a~-~here J s the ot~Jtr cie~k? -a44u/ He~ golEe for a little while..perhaps ! c~n take csx~ of you. JACK: ~ell...yes~heve a gopbmr trap here wrapped as a gift. }91: (H~nm)... Oh~ her~ lu ~a....Yerry Christmas. JACK: ~ust a z~Inute...I donlt went this o~le, I want the otbml• kir~. t:; ] ;,~,0 1 01832'&8
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-21 - But Mister..this is all wrap_ned up...with tinsel ~nd ribbons... I'm sure the gopher ~ill like it jUSt sS well. JACK: But/~~+j/-~t want thisk~ ~i~rapsl ~,~them s3ive...l want the kiDd that kills lem Instsntly. HY: Very well...i guess that's the kind...Here you are. JACK: i don't want it Ii~2 that...I w~nt it ~Ift wropped HY: Isnrt that kind of silly? JACK: [~ver mind tb~t,., just wrap it up. HY: Oh, all right, (SOUND: FAPER RUSTLING..WRAPFING, ETC. ) JACK: Look, not so much red ribbon...get some more green~ HY'~Look, Miste~, it's Ohristmms, not ~t. -PstriokFs Day.~ JACK: Hrmmmr2nm. }~/: Here you are, JACK: Thank you vel7 -- wait a min~ue..you forgot to £ake 5he card out of the other o~le and enclose it ~.n ~his one. ~Y: Can't you ~t anothe~ card on tie outside?9~~~~- JACK: No, I want the orlginal~osyd~.so unwrap ~e I~t-~ap[~'~k~~ the cal~d out aL-~ unw?~p the secoo/ trap, D~it the card in, then ~e-wrap the secor.d trap. -~: "~net is this...fimst.,.fIL~st you make ne wPsp the second package then you ~ant me ~o unwrap the first one, take the ca~ ou~ (GETTI~ [~/STERICAL) ~u~wr~p th~ ~econd one..put the csrd in, more tinsel..more ribbon.. (CRYING) NOT SO ~CH RED.. MOCK GREEN..U~P YT, .RE-WRAP IT.. (LAUGHS HYSTERICAZLy) JACK: Misger~ calm dowrn .you g~5 upse~ uoo easily...you ol~ht tlO see e psychlatrist, BH R T;,WO 1 018324?.
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-22- HY: I AM A PSYOHIATRIST: JAOK: Look, control yourself. h~f: I'M NOT GOING TO..°I KN W A~ ABOUT YOU, ~L[~E~f~S...i KNOW _~0UT YOU AN~ yOUR S~IC~J~ACE~WITH ~E PLASTIC TIPS A~ THE r ~TAL TIPS. ~(~sIc: STARTS) / ... / ./ HY: j (SCREAMING }IYSTERICALLY) AND T~ INITIA~S~ND THE ~RE~i~APPING ~-~ Ai~D ~E CARD CHANGING. . (LAUQHI~K} AND CRYING) OH, I KNO~ . . YOU, I KNOW YOU~ BI~E-EYE.S.~..BUT YOU'RE NOT GON~ YAKE ME CRAZY, YOU'RE NOT C~ONNA DRI~gE ME CRAZy! DON: J~ck will be b~ck iu just s moment, blot first -- BE
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THE JACK BENNY PR RAM 2 SUNDAY, DEC~MB~ I~, 195 (TEANSCHIBED DEC~MBF~d il~ 1959) CLOSING C~MM]~EC I~L DON: J~ck ~ill b~ b~ck ~ just a mo~ut, b~t fi~t.,. Nothing...no nothing be~ts better taste: And remember.. COLLINS: Luckies taste bette_~.~ C~0RUS: Cleaner, f_~eshez.~ smoother! COLLINS: Luoki~s taste herren! CHORUS: Cleaner, f~eshe~, ~moother! Luc~ Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tastlng fine tobacco COILINE'. L~ckle~ t~te hett~r: CEORUS: Cle~e.~ fresher~ smoother.~ Lucky Strike! LuckT ~t~ikc! DON: Frlends, ~hen it comes to your own enjoyment of ~ cig~ret~6 nothing-no nothln~ - beats be~ter t~ste! And Luckies %~st~ bette~- oleane~ f~esher, smoothe~! Th~t~s b~o~use Luckles are made of flue, mild, good tasting tobacco - LS/~T - L~cky strike me~s fine tobacco. And L~ckles are ~de bette.~ to t~ate bette~ - ramie ~cund and f!~ and f~lly p~cked, to d~w f~eely and smok~ evenly.. 0RCH: (S~[ IN "JINGLE BELLS", :~0LD IN BACKGROUnd) DON: And because Luckies do taste better, theyrll ~ wonderful gifts for ~ll the smokers on your Christmas llst. Right ~%o~ VOU c~n get L~/tki~s in th~iz, bright 8~nd chee~y new Christmas carton created by Raymond Loewy, the wor!d famous designer. You~ll find them at any cigarette counter. So m~ke it ~ Lucky Chrlstmas..~Ive everyone a colo~f~l Christmas c~rton of Luo~ St~ike~ [SE~OE TO SH~T V~MP[
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T~ JACK BRZNY PROG~M S~DAY DEOE~ER ].4, 1.052 (TR~/~SCRIB~ DECkeR !l, CLOSING CO~F~CIAL (C0N'T) SPORTSMEN QUARTE~T: Be Happy -- go Luc~ For Christmas gifts this ye~ 19~2) DK ~ 1;dO I 0 '1 t.~ 3252
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-23- (~o) (SOUND : STORE N01~S & RELLS UP AND D~N) ~RY: "Well, have ~ou finished all your Christmas Shopping Jack? JACK: Yes, bu'~ I-J~aut to get myself some handMerchiefs.., i'll ask where they ~re:'" ,Oh Floorws!ke~~ where's the ~ndkerchiees depar t~nt? i~:~ NELSON: Just go down thi~ aisle to the end, turn to the right, go two aisles over and -- \~ (BUOLE 9I-V2,~ FIBST PA~ OF ~OS~ CALL) "-, }~S~ON: I~ve got to go now, they're calling me. DON: The Jack Benny ~og#am is written by Sam Perrln, Milt Josofsberg, George BalzeP, john Takabe#ry and produced and trsnsc#ibed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny Pz,ogram is brought to you by Lucky Strike -- product of the ,%merican Tobacco Company -- A~e#ica~s lendin~ manufaoture~ o£ cige~ettes. -k BH P, 1 ~'~0 '1 0"183253
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l P~ SE D S CYSt! P T .~ICAN TOBACCO CO~h~_NY L~CKY STRIKE T~E JACK BENNY PROGRAM (~ANSC~!BED DEC. 16~ !952) (LONG BEAC~ VETERAN'S HOSPITAL) RU f*~ F ;,{0 "/ 0 '1 ,~ 3 2 5,.'~
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TH~ J~CK BET~NY PROGRAM ~UNDAY, DEC~W~EH 21, 195~ (TRANSCRIBED DECF~V~ER 16, 1952) O~IEG C0~ERCI~I DON: THE ~CK B~N~ pROGRAM .. ° TRANSCRIBED AND FRES~TED BY LUCI~ STRI~ Noth~n~ ,,. _ao~ n o~ be~ts better t~s~e! And re, member ... COLLIN~ L~ckle~ taste be~t~r! • CHORUS: Cl~a~r, f~esher, smoother! COLLINS: Luckle~ t~t~ bette~', CHORUS: Cleane~ fresher, smooth,r! Lqcky Strike mea~ fine tobacco _Richer-t~sting ft~ tobacco COLLINS: ~uckle~ ta@te better! CHORUS: Cle~e~, f~esher~ ~moother! Lu~k~y Stri~e .... L~c~ strike! DON: yes~ friends, ~ .... n~, nothlm~ be~ts better t~ste ~md ~uckie~ taste better - cleane~, fre~her~ ~moother. Here's why: Luckle~~ bette~ taste st~ts ~ith fine~ I gh~ n~turally mild tobacco that ~s a ~onderful taste ~il its c~n. Rem~b~ ~/~T - Lucky ~t~Ik~ m~ans fine tcb~coo. In ~dditlon~ Luckie~ are ~de bette~ to ~te bett~r - 1~de round ~d f~1 and fully p~,cked to dr~ freely and s~oke evenly ... to ta~t~ ~le~ner, fresher, ~moother. Aud ~ay... Christmas sbopp~ .... because Luckies are ~o popul~r ~ve~y- whe_~e .., they'll mak~ wonderful gifts fo~ ~ll the smoker~ on you~, li~t. You_~ Chrlst~as Luckles come in ~ really be~utlful ~!ft c~rton specially cre~t~d by the ~orld~famou~ desi~e~, Raymond Loewy. days left, get yours no~ EM As there gre only ~ few shopping at your favo~It~ ~i~rette counte~. RT~4O 1 0'I 832b~5
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-- k ............ THE JACK ~I~ff~[~ PROGI~4 ~i¸ V q -~ ~ .ONDA_ DEC~4BER 21, ~52 ~T~A~ISCI~!~ED DEC~I~!BL"~ 16, ~.~ DO~: Make this a "Lucky Cbmlstmas" ~. give your ~and 7 and (Cont'd f~iends -~ yes, give everyone a che~y christmas carton of Lack~ Str~ke. ORCH: SHORT V~MP Sportsmen Quartet: Be happy -- go Lucky Fo~ Chrlstm~8 gifts this year! EM R]'~O! 0183256
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(FIRST ROUTINE (AFTH~ CO~CIAL, ~SIC UP AND DOWN) DON: BROADCASTING FROM TEE VETF~NS ~])MINTSTRAT!ON HOSPITAL IN LONG BEACH, CAL~O.;LNIA...THE ~dJGKZ STE]ZZ PROGRAM, STARR~],IG JACK BENNY...WITH N~.R~ L~VINGZTO~, H~, BZ~iB DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND '%/OURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC DT Ah~ DOWN) DON: AND Ngd~ LADIRS AND GEN2L~EN3 SINCE OUR pRt~RAM TODAY COHES TO YOU FROM A HOSPITAL...i T~KE GREAT PITASUP~ ~ BRINGING YOU A MAN WHO TALKS LIKE A DOCTOR 9/ID WAI/C5 LJLKE A NURSE. JACK: ~-aat ? DON: JACK BENNY: ( ApPIAUBE ) • .,~ -- ~ ~- T~sDk ~ou, [.hs~: Zc~ tharuk you..~ello aga~u...this is Jack Bonny talking...And now, Isdies and gentlel~n... JACK: Don - ~--~ ~ DON: <LAUGBINGLY)*'-V--'m somry to break up like~ Jack, but thst intrcduction ~ g-~ve you was so fumny, LJcan't help laughLng. ( LAUOEE F4~DFR) JACK:~/Y~ thought it WaS funny, huh, Don? DON: Yes NOu've not an~y, ar~ you? JACK: No...no .... DON: Well, I'm glsd you're not...bec~use you know m~...anythlng fo~ s laugh. (H@~5) "Talks lik~ a doctor and walks llke a ~FNO'I 010"3257
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DON : JACK: should I 0~ angry.~WHen~ou said I talked lik~ a doc~or, i was flattered. After all, if i'm a doctor, i,m an M. D....M.D. means More Deductlor~, which is exactly wilt you're gonna find on your p~y c~ck this w~k~h thatAO~, brother. Now, wait ~ minute, Jack. Every time ! s~y something tbat gtPikes m~ fuD~qy~ yoll always tll~gto~ to~- Don..Don..~-~non'~ get excited. I'm not going to cu~ your sa± ry..~ o[~y said that to stop you from laughing. The way you we~ slnaking, I was afraid Terminal Island would si~--k another thrs~ feet. No kidding, fellows, did you ever see a stolm~ch as big as Den's? If that t~ng was filled ,~ith toys, ~very kid in America would be loaded...Hey, that ~=- w~J~-~-mi~te..Don, if you'r~ such a laughing boy..wh~ is it when I say funny tblngs you don't get hysterical? Tb~t was a pretty good joke, you knew. DON: Well, frankly, I fail to see the ht~or in any platitudes concsraing my obesity. JACK: ~gmat does th~? DON: I don't like~called a big fat slob. DON: An~eth~= 5~ing, Jack..fo~ the past month -r/~v~'been on a vs~y S tric~. // JACK: Oh, I dldn 5 ~ulow ~h~<..tha% s r~Ogh,. Don. ~ .especially now, during tbe holiday season~. ~""%v~epa~Ing~.s a special DON: You're not P~ddlr~'JMy wife ~RuJACK: ~/Don, what ar* you going to !~ve? "-~ ~T~O! 0183258
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i J. DON: --Th~e~ turkeys stuffed with N~e IQ~isp. JACK: -34 Oh~ Well, i~.'-Zl~Se~ ,~iI 20u-t~l-wglt for Cl~,istmas is ~,n Alka-Seltzer. ~!ll~elose a pretty c&rd with it too... fo ...Oh .... MARy: ~e!lo, Jack. H'ya, fellows. JACK: }Sell, Ma~,y, ~'m certainly glad you got bore in time fo~, the show !ed, Y~RY:~ 'm sorry,~ae~, ~ 1 but I overslepZ...~d it took me an hour and Zwenty minutes to drive down from Beverly Hill2. JACK: Off, yon OVerSlept, huh? F~RY: Yeah...I've been up late every1 ~light Z]~is week. JACK: Well, look, M&~y, if I told yo'd once, i've told you 5 thousand times...if you wan~ to remain a big star, you canrt stay UP_ ~ll hours of th~ lllsht h~v~v~, fun. MARY: Who s having fun...I m w~applng~p~cka~es at the Y~y Company. JACK: Oh yes, the Christmas _~ush MARY~ Excuse me a minute, Jack. Oh, Don-- DON: Yes, M~ry? ~%RY: I've got a big surp~is~ for you. Just as I entered the building ,1 rein into Dr. ~n~n ~d Dr. DON: No k~dding, Ma~y..Dr. Dr, ~ huh? JACK: Who~s Dr./~, who~s Dr. /enos? MARY: They said that -~ince the oparation tbsy~ve received honorary mention from the medical society. DON: Gs% that's qui~e ,%n honor for Dr. ~eeeea aud D~. Jones. JACK: ~Cno's Dr.~- --~ ~ ~s ~. J~~ MARY: And t~.~Xl~- - RU
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JACK: MARY: Walt ~o minute..Whots ~r. Dr. J~nes~ Well Jack, if you must ~mow, they're the doctors who oerformed ~ m~jor abdominal ope~,atlon on ,Don. Gee .I dldn t know/DorFhad a stomach oper~ion~ ~%~y. What did they t~ke out? MARY: They didn,t take anything out, they put in a deep f-~eze. w~, ~ry.~e you c~%me in, Don told me JACK: Now that he doesn't like any pl~titudas concsrnlng l~Is obesity. ~RY:~t dues ~bat mesh? JACK~ i don't know, Ma~y ./'m q~tingo M~AqY: Oh, Lqngfellow the Poet? JACK: No~ ~ the Aranouncer...Now look, Mapy, we came down to enteptain the boys here at the Vete±~ns Administration Hospital, so let's-7,~ (SOU~: KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK: Excuse me, Mary. COME IN. (so~n~o: DOME OPF/~S) ROCE: ~ I AM, BOSS! JACK: Rochester! J~ck, a Cbmistm&s t~ee ! That,s ~ight, M&~y. Z bought it foz• the boys he~e. Well, Jack, with ~ress selling for a dollar and ~ half a foo~, you ce_~talzly picked out & Dice bi~ on~. OH, I PIC~D ~HIS ONE OUT, ~SS LIVINGSTONE. I METURNED Th~ ONE ~T .MR. BENNY BOUGKT. M3LRY: JACK: MARY: RO~{: RU RT'~NOI [) I 8 3;,.I 6 0
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-5- bN~RY: 'wluy...couldn't you get it through tb2 door? RCCH: ~r~ROUGH ~HE DOOR!..i COUID~VE GOTTEN T~,T ONE T~OUGH THE I~HOLE. JACK: Rochester~ do me a favor. Just set the tree up and start trimming it. ROCK: OFAy. A~D BOSS~ IF I DO A GOOD JOB~ WOULD YOU GI~E N~ THE REST OF ~ WEEK OFF? I SORTA ~DE ~/~RANOEMENTS TO PI~%¥ $~%NTA ~THIB YEAR. JACK: RochesteP, you'~,e.~your~e golng to play Santa Claus? ROCK: NO, ~NTA ANITA ! JACK: I should "nave ~uown. I~m sorry, Rochester, but l~m not giving you any time off to go to th~ race track. ROCH: BUT, BOSS-- JACK: Rochester, don't "but, boss" ine. YouWe been wot-king for me for t~elve years and i,ve made it a policy never to let you gamble. MARY: Mr. Benny is right, Rochester. It wonid ~ different if you were making a decent sala~F. JACK'~Certalnly.g Now ~oches~er, set up tbs Christmas t~ee and s~ar~ trlmxnlng ~t. ROCE: OKAY..(SINGS) JACK: JINGLE BELLS, JI~DLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL ~ WAY... OH, NIiiT FUN IT I8 TO RII~ IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH-- Rochester-- RU 010325'!
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ROCH: A -5- JINGLE p~ELLS~ JINGLE ~BELLS, JINGLE ALL T}~ WAY.-- IF MY VOICE ~S HIGHEr, YOU WOLT~D FIRE DENNIS MY. JACK: I would not~ochester, Jus~the o~ments on the tree...and be ~ery careful with them because-- BOB: H~llo, Mary. Hello, Jack. ~~. JACK: Bob CrQsby! (APPLAUSE) BOB: H'ya~ fellows. '0" JACK.'~ob~ 5hls is the first time youtve been down to the - # Veterans Hospit&l in LOU~ ~aoh~ How do you llke it? BOB: ust wonderful, Jack. You know~ this whole place is ~un just like a gr~at big luxurious ho~el. JACK: ~ Hotel? BOB: You ~/low, Jack, I ~an i~to a friend of mine ~ho~s ~ patient hePe...ar~ you should have Dmard him r~vs about ~he sePvice. JACK: No kidding! ~" BOB: "Why he sald all you have to do i~eli s.nd fonp beautiful ~pses ~sh in 5nd WsiE on ~-o~. JACK: No ! he said " d~esn't matter when 70~ feel llke eating. All ~'o~ o is p~sss a llttl~ buzze~ end the chef comes out, sits on the edge of your bed, and says, '~hioh .~ould yo • prefer, boys...Filet Mignon or C~epe 5uzette?~' . JACK: ~,__~&t~ l~s sevvlce,, ,I don't, blame your friend for paving. RU ~ I'HO I 01832[52
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~r -7- BOB: And bhat isn't all. if you feel like a little liqueur oF cb~zJpagne after dinns~.~my~iend said all you .q~ve to do is call the wine steward and *~ .............. JACK: ................ Bob.. w~<~ did you s~op t~!king? P~B'~ That ~ Where my f~iend stopped...~ caae out of' t~he eths~. JACK: .Oh..I thought he was exaggerating a little bit....Nows Bab, even though Dennis is going to sing latse, I tP£nk ~he boys l~e would appreciate it if you did a song ~. How about it? (BOB CROSBY'S gONG -- "DON'T LET TEE S~hRS GET IN ~ll~ ETES") .zY( q TC
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(SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: -3- q~at was Bob Crosby singing "Don,t 7~t The ~es Get In Your BOB: Th~.~. ~-Tdo yo-~ mind If I ~,.sk yo~ ~omethiug? JACK: Not at all, ~cb, wb~t is it? BOB: Well, what would you do ~-~ ycu fouud out tha~ someo~ was stealing you~ ~okes ~ud t~ylng ~o imitate you? JACK:~%~I'd be ~wfully upset about it, Bob, but why do you ~sk? BOB: Wall, I'm in ~he same predicament. JACK: You are? BOB: Y~h, ~here s~ si~%ger a~ouDxl....~8/<e~ records and everything..who goes o-~t of bls way to sound e.n ~wfui lot like me. H~mmn..I ttlr~ I krow who you me n...Bob Hope introduced me to ~teallng you~ styJ,% why don't you t&ik to him? BOB:~I did, &nd he "nit me over the head with Gary. JACK~/4~Go od, good• MARY: ~_~alt ~ minute, Bob. If you feel ~h~t your brother Bing,s reputation is hurting you p~ofession~lly...why don't you c~nge your name? BOB: Sa~..th~t,s a good idea..why didn't i think of tb~t before?.. That's wh~t I~ii ~o, I~ll change my name. JACK: What a~,~ you going to c~nge it to? BOB: Sam Crosby. JACK: Well, 5hat,ll fool ~verybody. Now look, M~ry ~- a TC
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ROCK: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCK: ,TACK: ROCH: JACK: MARY; JACK: BOB : JACK: -9- Ok, BOSS -- 1~C~a~ is i% Rochester9 I 'M AI240BT FINISHED T~/~ING Th~ TR~. HOW DOES IT LOOK? Hmmm..bhose ornaments I b~o~ght down certainly look nice. But, Rochester, th~ bree doesn,t look colorful wi~h just ~he 'I~] AINIT ANY GREEN ONEB. Roc~hsster~ i picked ou~ ~wo dozen green ones. How coms they'~e ~ll r~d? RIPENED ON ThE ~¢AY COWN, I TOLD YOU NOT '90 USE TO~TOES! Hm. I c~n"b under,tend how those ~omahees could ~ipen so fast. Prom Bew~ly Hills to Long Bs~ch is only forty mil~s ~s the crow flies. What took you so long? THAT'S A 1952 CROW, YOU,~E GOT A 1910 MAXWELL. Oh, stop. Rochest~rls right, J~ck. Why don~t you get ~id of tb~t old C~ 8d¢id b~ ~ ~eW One? I'll t~ll you ~b~-, Mar~..Th~ car has been like ~n old f~iend to me. ~t's been ~,~th me through r~in and ~ne.• ~hrough ~hick and tbin.,tb~,ough good ~imes and bad .... :75EL Bob...Sam! Yes~ sir. Hm, ~veryhody has DO b~ ~ comodlan. Don,t you think so, Bob?...
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BOB: JACK: BOB: M~RY: BOB~/'~Now, wait a minute, I don'g believe th~ J~ck could be cheap. MARy: Well, beo~her, yourre in for a shock. BOB: A shock? -lO- Well, Jack, you've got to admit that Mary got off some beautiful ad fibs today. I kno'~...~he ~mst be trying to impress tha gi~Is at the May Company. May Company?..J~mt does he mean~ Ma~y? "Jell, Bob, I can't live on ~'bat Jack is pa2~ng ms, so I'm working nights, weapping Christmas gifts. that MArRy: Yeah, last night I wrapped the Christmas gift he's seuding BOB: No k&dding~ Mary~ what did he get me? M~RY: Well, I'm not allowed to hell, Bob, but when you unwrap the pac~ s~v~ ~h~ paper~ It'~ the mos~ eTpensive part.~ you a ~-- (~o~Be ~OCK ON DOOR) JACK: ~c'~se me. Come in. (SOUND: ~0~ OPENS) M~. B~nny ? Mr. Benny, I represent the patients here at th~ Long Beach Veterans Hospit~l. JACK: I se~. JACK: MEL:
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-il- Ws understand that when you dld a show a~ an air base~ the boys gave you a propelhe~ with ~heir names on it, JACK: ~,~ ~y did. N~I~: And when you did a program at ~. N~.vai Fx~.se, they ~.ve you a !Lfe preserver bearing the signatures of ~1~ e~ntire JACK: Tb~t ) s right, NI~L~ ~5o we~ too~ ~ould like to p~esepf; yo~ ~ith ~ tokert Of o~ a~ppre ciatlon, JACK: -I~u wo~ld ? MtrL: L'2es, On behalf of the patients here at the ~t~rans t{espitB.1 in Lorlg ~oach, I'd like tc pre~ent ~au with t~s autog~,phad b~d s~et. JACK: ~._. J~ll~jis~-'t that "#ol~derf~l. Gee, iook &t the~e names~ ~&o--aame--~e~,~-~J~t--%ooks llke ~obert Smith..but the Robert is sceatched out and St aayB Louise. ~L:~ -~ea~) th~ doctors here~&-~,e 8.8 oed &s the o~e~ it~ D~l~rk. JACK: Well) what do you know ...~ you very much for the gll •. (sot~o: DOOR SLAM) JACK: Hmm~ ,~hat a thing to present me wlth..a bed sheet. / MA~ Oh, fo~ heavens sakes, if you get somethir~yeu c~an, t fir~ "~a ~s~yo~ don't want it. The~A%~Force ot~ce preseuted you with a pro~iTe~ what did you do with it? TO
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MA~±:~'~e-,~ a~ go~ the only diving board in-~-~ver-,y n~lls with a JA .OFcf~, All right, all ri~ht..Now, Maz~y-L-~--. ~ ROCH: OR, BOSS -- JACK: -r~s, Rochsster ? ROCH: I C~&N'T ~&CH ~ TOP OF THE TR~ TO PUT THB STAR ON IT. JACK:~/~f course, you can't r~ach it, ~se the ladder. ROCH: BUT, BOSS, T~J%T I~DDER !S AWFUL WOBBLY. JACK: Oh, stop being a baby~ ~ive me ~hat star, I'll climb the l~dder and put Iz ~p myself. ( SOUND: CL~T~I~G LA~DER ) JACK: (0~) ~n~re we are..ncw all Z ~umve to do is lean over and -- MARy: Jack..J&ck~ the ladder is startling to shake..Look out! (SOUND: LADDER FALLS AND BODY ~ZTCD) JACK: Bm~. E06~: BOBS, BOSS, THE TREE BO0~ B~AUTI~UL. JACK: Wb~t do yo~ mean 5he tree looks beautiful, i~ve still got the star in my ~nd, ROCH: i E~OW, BUT YOUR Tf)UPAY FLEW 0_~TM AND CAUGHT ON ~ TOP BRANCH. JACK:~.._/~My toup~y? BOB:'~-Lots oz trees have snow~ but th£s one's get dzndruff. Jac~yoM fell off t~ ladder, did you hu~ yourself? M NO..damn it. W~t do ~ou mean, d~n Lt? JACK: M~RY: JACK: MARY: TC P~T;~Ot 0"1i9326~
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JACK: DON: -13- JACK.~k~Th~ p~,a~ i~ almost up and i h~ve~'t "sad a c-banes tc use iL1y Blue Cross Policy yet. jACK: Ne~not~over~d-~ hester, set the ladde~ up again, l~m going to put that ~t~ u~ on top. DON: ~. Just a mmnd~e~0ac~. JACK: W~mt ~.s it, Don? DON.'~Th~ Sportsmen Q1~'arte~ ~ust cam~ in ar~ they'w prepared a comme~mcial ~ It~ sure the ~ows ~,e -gill llke..Can they do it now? Well, certainly, Don~ tell them ~o go ~ight ahead, Okay...all right, fellows, take it. TC e { :.~01 O~ 8 [~269
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> ~]ART: RU LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN BETTER ~ATCH OUT, YOU BETTER NOT CRY LISTEN NOW, JACK, ~YE~RE TELLI~ YOU W~_Y SANTA CLAUS IS COMTEG TO TOWN. HE'S MA~G A LiST AND CHECKING IT TWICE GONNA FIND OHT WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE SANTA CIAUS IS COMZ'IG TO TOWN. SEES YOU W~N YOUI_~ SLEEPING -~HE-S WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE HE !<NOWS IF LTOU.VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SA~. OH YOU ~TTER WATCH OUT, TOE BET~ NOT CRY LISTEN NOW, JACK, ~EIF{E ~LLING YOU W~Y S~NTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN WITH pLENTY OF LOCK, S RIGHT ON HIS ~ACK A CARTON OR TWO FOR MARY AND JACK SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWT$ AND YOU CAN BE SDYIE T-~T SANTA IS GLAD BRINGING THOSE LUC~TES TO MOTHER AND DAD SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TO~YN NOW °~NTA k~O~S THAT LUCE~f STRIXES BETTER TASTING, TOO TH~'S NOTHING THAT HEATS ~TTE~ TASTE THERE IS NOTHING NO NOTHING LIG~2 UP A LUCKY (MOHE) -14- RF,~{O't 0'! 832 PO
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UART : STUART NOW ~Cont'd) BETTER OPE~ A PACK, WE:RE ~L~J~LING YOU ~X)W ~BANTA CI~DB ~ COMING TO TOWN ON T~UR~%DAy LISTEN LISTEN LISTE~ LISTEN ~NTA CT~U5 15 COMING TO TOWN. -~-5- .\ RU
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(THIRD ROUTINE) -16- JAC%:~ Tb&t "~as vezT~Don.,Gee. I wish I could use that number on my television show next Sunday. DON: Oh: that,s right, Jack. You~ next T.V, show is the twenty-eighth, !salt it? JACK: That,s rlght--next SuDden. MABY: J&ok, are ~ou havi~ e~7 guest st41rs? JACK: /~n I bJlvlag guest stems...Get this, Mary..I'm having Mr. a~d MPs. Jimm7 Stewart. 2 _BOB.~/Jimmy Stewart a/]d his wife? ~.hy JaoM, that must ~,ost a fortune. JACK: No,/~it doesn't, Bo ade a very good deal. You see, I only hired Jimmy gtewart,s wlfe...and Jimmy is coming on for nothing. BoB.~Why would he do that? f/ JACk: He doesn,t trust me...An~ay, theylre goDnz be with me next Sunday o11 my T.V. show add itrs gonna be--well, Dennis,.. itls about time you got here. DENNIS: Hello, Mr. Benny..h~llo, everybody. (~PLAUSE) JACK: Dennis~ ~hat msde ~o~i so late? DENNIS :~ wasn ~ t late. JACK: D~NNIS : JACK: DENNIS : What? I was here all the time, but my mother told me to bide. Why ~ould your mother %ell you to do a thing llke that? She said, t'l like to see ~ old man- worry. " RU RT,w,O) 018322'2
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-17- JACK: Nm. Dennis, what has your mother got against me, anyway? Look wh~t I did for 7ou •.. i made it possible for you to be on radio .. got you jobs in pictures .. television .• I don't know why your mother i~m~ . • Why, last summer when I took JACK: Why? Becallse your ticket was first class? D~NIS: No, because it was round trip. JACK: Oh. Well, Dennis, I don,t care if your ~other likes ~e o~ not. And3 kid, if ~he was listening to the program~ I hope she squirmed a little because I had Bob Crosby sing a song. Who? Bob Crosby. Who? Dennis, don't you remember me? Oh, Sam, Yes~ Sam. Now look he#e, Dennis -- Jack! Huh ? No wonder Dennis says silly things .. you get him excited• You don't [~now how to handle him. JACK: i guess you're ~ight, Ma~y. MARy: Of cours~ I,m r_gh~.~ .~ook, Dez~Is± ~hls Is the first time you've been here at ~he Veterans Hospital, so why dnn't you-- DENNIS: Oh~ I w~s here before. DENNIS: JACK: DENIV IS : BOB : DH~NIS : JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY: R]-~OI 0'1832Z3
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Oh huh ~. during the war when I was entering the se~Jice .. Z had bo fill out a questionaire .. and ~2ter i got through answering all the questions, tb~y sent me down here for an examination ... ~nd three doctors examined me to see if I was fit for the service. Three doctol, s!~That must have been quite an JACK: examination. Did you have to remove all your clothes? DENNIS: No, they just told me to take off my hat. JACK: Well, that - can believe. DE~[NZS :~-~M~ee~ down here with Don ~¢itson ~-nd be told me a very funny joke. Would you like to hear it? JACK: Yes, Dennis, go ~e~d. JACK: Just a second, Dennis, a~e you sure you c~u tell this joke before this mixed audience? You know Louise is b~re.., is the Joke all right? DENNI3:~Sure~ Itls a wonderful joke. JACK:~What is it? DENNIS: Well, Don told me that ~ou oughta be a big success at this hospital because you talk llke a doctor and walk like a nurse... (LAUG~) JACK: Dennis..Dennis..l~m glad you repeated that joke because if I~m a doctor, that makes me on M. D...M.D. stands for Morton Downey who may be sln~ing on t_he program r~ext week.. ROCK: OH BOSS. JACK: ,~ ¥~he~ RFI401 (.l'l 832 P'4,-
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XCCH: ~ACK: GANG : JACK: ROCH: JACK: MARy: JACK: ROCH: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: KOCH: JACK: JACK: MARY: JACK: KOCH: ' -19- i C~T THE LIGHTS ON THE TREE, SHOI~LD I ~N '~4 ON? Not yet. ~ey, kids, Rocheste~ is ready to light up the tree ., let's ~il gather around it. (AD L~) Okay .. yeah .. ebc. Okay, Rochester, plug in the lights. YE~ SIR. (SOUND: PLUG IN .. ELEOI'BIC&L SpA~;L~B AND BUZZING.) Hm. The wires must be crossed. Something must be crossed, the tomatoes lit up. Rochester~ try it again. (SOUND: PLUG IN., EIEC~IRIC~IL .qpARE5 71ND BUZZIq~G) OH, B]~REIS THE TROUBLE, BOSS, TP~ETB A BARE WIPE RIGHT [[f THE SOCKET. Well~ don't stand there, fix it. -Ves~ yo~. I~033, I AIN'T FOOLI~~ AROU~ WITH ELECTRICITY° Oh, Rochester, imagine being e2rald of ~l~ctrlcity. Suppos~ Robe~t Fulton was ~fraid .. he neve~ would have invented the electric Tight .,. would he? Jack, you're thinking of Thomas Edison. Edison? Well then what did EGbert F~lton do? (SARCASTIC) He w~ote "I Saw Mommy Eissln~ Santa claus.'~ Oh yes .., Now, Rochester, please fix these lights. .. IN Tt~HE~8 THE ELECTRONS Ak~ TI~ ELECTRODES ... TH~N THERE'S TY~ POSITI!rE A~D THE NEGATIVE .. BUT i AIN'T POSITIV~ WHICH ONE IS NEGATIVE° P, T ;~0 1 0'1B32 P~
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.... ~ ........................... JACK: BOSH: JACK: ROOH: JACK: NOCE: ,TACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: .MARY: JACK: MARY: ;d7 -20- Hm. THEN THEREIS THE ATOMS ... NOW, THE AT0~ ~E SUPPOSED TO GO FROM THE POSITIVE TS THE Nk~ATIVE ,. 011 .. MAYBE They C© FROM TI~ ELNCTRONS TO THT ELE~CTNODES .. THEN AGAIN~ ~YBE T}~Y GO FROM LONG EACH TO WILMYNGTON. Rocheste~ . ° • NOW AS L0~ AS THESE ATOMS F~EP pASSING EACH OTHER, EVERYTHinG IS ~/~L BIGHT .. BUT W~N THEY ~E~ NAIF WAY AND START FIGHTIN' .. THEY.BE GONNA ~J-RN ON ANYBODY ~rSD TRIES TO BUT~ IN .. Noches~er, I'm not interested in the ~clentiflc details ,. I just want you to fix those lights. And you've got nothlng to be ~frald of because while you,re fixing it, no one is golng to plug it in, and no one is going to turn on the switch. ~/~,~/~ ~. , ~ • I l~OW, BOSS .. ~gHILE I,~G~BABE W~E, I~OU AIN,T ~0NNA TUP~ ON THE SWITCH ,. AND MISS LIVINGSTONE AIN'T GONNA TORN ON THE SWITCH. Of course not. BUT ~AY UP~.,LZ2~,~THERE ~ BOULDER DAM, THERE'S A LITTLE MAN SZTIN' IN A ROOM"WITH THOUSANDS O~ WIRES ALL ABOU~ Ig~LM. So what? HOW DO I E~OW BE AIN,T GO~[NA DO SOMW~HIN, ~JST TO B~U~ ~HE ~DZD2ONY' Rochester, you can stoD with the Jokes ~d~-- Jack .. Jack .. What? Look the lights ~ent on. AT;401 01B3276
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~H:~ ~ ~ , ~,I~ H,v~ • = ,,.~v%e¸¸¸• ~,~ J,~ ~*~,~,~ • • JACK: Oh yes .. ~f~o f~xed the wire? DON: I dld~ Jack. JACK: Well, isn't that beautiful...and look ho~ pretty the lights I DENNIS: Yes, Mr, P~nny. JACK: Now that the tl~ee is lit up ~ud the boy8 here in the hospital are waiting to hear you sing, would you like to do some Christmas Carols? DENNIS: I slate ~ould, ~. Benny. JACK: All riEht, go ahead. ( CHRISTMAS CAROLS BY DENNIS -- ) JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, oz~ behalf of my sponsor ~nd my entire st~ff, I want to wish you all a ve~ Merry Christmas. , RU ~TXO'I 01B3277
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FROGRAM #16 REVISF~ SCRIPT ~MI~qICAN TOBACC0 COMPANY LUCKY STRI~E THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUN~Y~ ~EC~MBER 28~ 1952 CBS¸ (~RCmT~D DSC. 18, Z952) 4:00 - ~:30 PM PST ~ BB
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THE JACK BE1Vf~ PROGPAM SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9~j 3.95~ (T_~ANSCRIBRD DECEMBER ~8, 1952) OPENING~O~3~ERCIAL DON: ~I_~E JACK B~/ PROdRAM LUCKY STRIEE ! COLLhNS: CHORUS: COLLLNS: CHORUS: COLLINS: CHORUS: DON : COLLINS : CHORUS : MUSIC: DON: ES -A- •.. ~I~ANSCHI]~D3 AND pRESeNTED BY N Oth~ -- _n_o, npI~hin~ - beats better ta~t~ And r~member .... LuOkies taste better! Cleaner, fresher, smoother! Luckies taste betteD! Cleaner, fresher, smoother! Lucky Strike means flue tobacco Richer~tastlng fine tobacco Luckles taste better! Cleaner, fresher, smoother~ Lucky Strike .. Lacky Strike! Fminnds, your ~ent of a cigarette depends on its taste because nothing - no, no th~ beats better taste. And ~u~qkles_ taste bottom - cleaner~ fre~her~ s~othe~, you see~ LucklesI better taste ~tarts ~ith ~be ~,-ue mild, good-tastlng tobacco tb~t does Lute every Lucky. And Lackies are made better, to give you a cleaner, freshe~, smoother-tastind smoke, yes si~, only fine tobacco in a better made cigarette oan dlVe you all the deep-do~n smoki~g enjoyment you want in ~our cigarette, go be happy -- go Lucky! M~ke Lucky Strike o~ regular smoke ... you'll find ... Luckies taste better! Cleaner, freshe~, smoothe~ Lucky Strike ,.. Lucky Strike! (~R~RA~ ~ UP ARD DOWn) The Lucky Strike p~ogram starring ....
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(FIEBT ROUTINE) -1- (AFTER CO~C~:~L, MUSIC UP AND D3~N) DON: THE LO-Ok-f S~i~ PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENq~f..WI~{ ~&~RY LIVINGSTONE, NOC~STER~ DENNIS !~Y, BOB CROSBY~ AND r~f0URS TROLY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE..~FJSIC D~ AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GENTLF~LE~ LET'S GO BACK ~/90D~ AN EOUR TO J~CK BENNY'S ~O~ T~ BEVgRLY HILLS WHERE 3~CK HAS J~ST FINISHED HAV]I~G HiS LUNC~H. JACK: ~ That was a very good ]nnch, Rochester..tb~ best b~sh I ever tasted. ROCH: I MAI~ IT ~OM LAST NIGHT'S LEBT-OV~S. JACK: ~n~ did w~ S~ve last night? ROOH : HASH. JACK: Sh..Well, I gotta leave fo~ CBS. Yo~ see, Rochester, tcd~y i not only do my radio broadcast bus Immedlmtely following it~ ! do my t,~levision show. ROCH: BOSS, YOU CAN'T GO IN THOSE OLD CLOTF~S...AN]) YOU NEED A S~IVE, TOO. JACK: I haven't got time now. I'll cie~n up at the studio. Now go out in the gara~ the c~r~~-~. NOSE: Th~ ,:~R AIN,T RUNNING. JACK: Rochester, did you wreck~cav? ROCH: IT WASN'T MY FAULT~u~. JACK ~fn~t happe ned ? ~<~-L~ -T TOOK ~ CAR OUT FOR AWHI/~ IAST NIGHT AN~ ON ~f WAY "_~0ME, I ~ A SHARP ~ORN AND CAME FACE TO FACE WITH A STF~MROLLER. i: BB
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-2- JACK: Steam roller? Oh, so that's ~h7 you were so quiet when ]'ou got hom~ last night. I dldnlt evsn bear you open the garage. ROCH: I DIdn'T HAVE TO, i SLID r_~ ~&R UNDER THE DOOR. JACK: Rochest~r~ .you mean ~y car was flattened ~hat thin? ROOH: IF I'D HAD A 3T~/KP I COUI/~ MAILED IT TO ~OU. JACK: Well, this is a fine thing ~o happen ou the day I have to do t-~o p~ogr~ms.t Now Ill1 ~w to ~a~ the bus to the studio. ROCH: ~Ay~ BOSSj ! MEANT TO ASK ~U. YOU'~ ONLY GOT ~R~-~ SEBONE~ BET%~EN ~D~ .RADIO PROGRA~4 AND YOUR TELEVISION Cq~--OW. HOW DO YOU GET E~OM ONE pLACE TO %}~ Of H2~ SO FAST? JACK, DIdn't i ewr hell you about that, Rochester? l ROCH: NO, .~<0K DO YOU DO IT? JACK: They shoo~ ms ou~ of ~ cargqon. ROCH : ~K00T YOU OUT OF A CANNON? JACK: Yeah.. once they put in too much powder and I did my ~how from NBC ....... ~i~zx-s~ I ROCK: GOO~YE : BOSS. ( TRANSITION MUSIC ) JACK.~%~hsr~ should be a bus c~._ug along here any -- Oh my GEORGE: BB goodness, i left my money in my o~her clotb~s..,. Well~ maybe I can ~tch a ride down to the~omes a ca~ now... GOING DO~ TOWN, B~? (SOUND OF CAR GOIN~ BY FAST)
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-3- JACK: Hmm...Here comes a---GOING LDWNTOW}~, Bb~? GEORGE: (~-R GOING BY FAST..CAR GOING BY PAST) JACK: Ge~, that or±~ ~%ad a traile~ on it.. J~e].l, maybe I bette~ start walking. (SOU~D: CAR ~IVES "0~) JACK: OOe, if I don't get hitch soon, I ~I be late fio~,-- GOING DOWN TOWN~ MISTER? (SOUND: C~ STOPS) N~L: Hop in~ Bud. Move over, Sophie. BEA: Let him sit in the back. JACK: Yes yes, the back,s e~ll right. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSE$...CAR STARTS) JACK:/~-~I hope I'm not putting you folks to too much trouble. JAOK~ (A~kMED) Yo~ see I~'~ould~ve taken th~ bus, but I didn't have any money. MEL: You don't iuave to explain, B~Jd...Hey, Sophie, ~lip tks poop guy a buck. JACK: But I don't - - Give him an extra two bits, he heads a shave, too. JACK:~ster, I don~t used a - - JACK: MEL: Where a~s you going, Bud? To C.B.S. Hew do yol~ llke that, Sophie. he goes to see radio programs. Instead of lobking i'o~ a job ~B
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..... ~ ~~:~T~,~!~,<~'~¸~ ~=~-~ BE& : MEL : Max, stop teaslng !~m. Okay, okay. (S0O~D: MOTOR UP) Gee, this is a nice ca~ you 1~ve here...Really a beauty. Thank you. What kind is i~? A~ Essez. on the radio, Sophie. (SOOteD: ~ADIO ON..STATIC) JACK: ~L: JACK: MEL : JACK: MEL~ Turn BB
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• i D£~NNIS : -~L: JACK: MEL : (~ZLTER) NOW CIA}ICY "~AS A PEACEFGL MAN THh~ COPS PZCKED UP T~E PIECFS AF~ C~NC~ LEFT THE SCENE ~E N~ER ASKED I~DR L~OUBLE THATrS A FAOT YOU CAN ABSUME, BUT NEVER TP~ I~SB, C ~%NC~/_- - - . (SOUND: CLICK 0F RADIO OFF) What,s griping you~ =.a~d? JACK: (M~D) Hmm, .l~ow do ~ou llke ~hat...~hey start6d the program without me.. It's my o~n f~ult fo~,-- m # . MEL:~e ~urn off the radio. Plenty .... they started the pz, ogra~ without me, HOW do ~ou llk~ that, Sophie? ~nis b~:s got ~ ticket to the p~og~am and he wants them to wai~ till he gets t~re. JACK: Now wait s, minute, Mister, you can't talk to me lik~ that. JACK: L-w~im-~e~. Do ;~ou knaw ~'ho I am? NELl (SARCASTIC) Sure sure.,.you're Bing O~asby...o~.,.Eddle Can~o~...o~. ,Bob Hope.. JACI<: Look; for your ir/'omm~tion I happen to be-- BFA: ~4ax, for ~&ven's s~kes, stop te~slng him! MEL: Okay, ttu~n on the ~dio again. ( $OL~ID : CLICK... STATIC ) (~:L~:) ~eith~-%-o'~-ak:.:. jJ" (~LLTER) ~ ocught G.~r t~hi~ moron the fifty-y:rd lin~ BB R]~O! Ol8328&
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-6- (FILTER) I~nmis, ~o~ got tlckets to the Nose Bowl for ~wo dollars., .let me s~e them. / DENNIS.~FIL~-ER) IIere they are. ! BOB: (~ILTER ..... Dennis...th~e are tlck~ts for last ~r ~ game. z \ I~NNIS: (FILTER) i know. Boy, amI!uc~7. / ~NY: (I~IL t do you mean, lucky? // EENNIS: (FILTER) E~.~ weather fo~ last year's g~m~ was g~eat, this year it may rai~od / / JACK: Hm_mm, if tb~,t sil~ ~d ~hlo_ks tl~s ]:umny, hels got k / another-- \~,, /" % SOpbi@~ turn off tb8 ~a "o.// ( SOUND : CLICK) KEL: JACK: Nothing, ! just dld~'t think thatkjoke was funny. MF/~: Oh, i ~uppose/~ u/can tell 'em bet~. JACK: You~e da~ne~, right i csn t~ll 'era be~er...~_d you bear the o~out the -- "\,\ ~F~: ~, SHUT uP! \ ,rocK: \,\ (SOUND: CLICK...STATIC) DON: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...AS LONG AS JACK I~{'T H~%E "~T~ WE'LL E~Ep THINGS ROLLING WITH ANOTHER SONG FROM OUR S/NGING STAR~ I~IS L~Y...O0 ~D, L~NIS .... (APpLAuSE) (DEI~IS'S SONG - "~P IT A SECRBT") (APPLAUSE) BB PSTHO t 01~9328~
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! ,
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JACK: Believe ~, Bob, _MARY: Rabbit, JACK: -8- the muff I g~ve Ma~y is sable. It's sable...would I~ ni~qeteen doll~rs fo~~ r~bbit? .... Would I? JACK: ~e~l~T-~e....Now let'~ drop the subject because I w~nt ~O--- DENNIS: S~y, Mr. Bera~y? JACK: ~fa~t ? DENNIS: See this tie I'm ~earlng...My gi~l knitted it fo~ me for C~ist1~a s. JACK:~ie? What are those things hanging on t_he sides? DENNIS: Sleeves, ~he started to make a s~eater and chazged her mind, JACK: ~ .Well on you it looks nice, Dennis. MARY:~By the wa~, Bob~ I mo~nt to aak you...whnt did ~ou give your ~uslcians for C~__ don't know thei~ likes and dinllkes too much...so I gave them something they csn really use...I geve them each 8 hundred d~!lar bo~. JACK: Gosh, tl~at's a wonderful gift...a gov~rz~nent bond? B~: No ~ bailbond. ~ JACK: Oh....But Bob, es long on ~he subject of you~ baD~..I'd l~ke to tslk to ~ou about sor~th~. BOB : ~s~ Jack?
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JACK: Well...~ !~ow that ,~-hen you came on ~he show, i said 7curd have complete control over tb~ orchestra and music±she and IVd r~ver kuterfere...but last week, why did you fire Ollle Goodson, the t~ombone plaTem? BOB: Well. Jack-- JACK: I mean with all the other guys, %¢ny fire him?..He was the only one in the b~ud ~ho behaved ~ith dignity. BOB: But Jack -- JACK: ~"nen all the othe_~ bo~ ~dld be sathe~ed a~nd the planc drinking beer, Ollie sat Qmietl7 with his trombone i~u his lsp...A~d when she ~Ks played cards, ~ kept out of it... just ~ittiug by hi, self...Why did you let him go? BOB~/~ I hedda get rid of him, he~d been dead for two years. JACK: Wel ~Dat do you know. MARY: ~,~ob...~hat dld the bo¥s irLtbe band give ~Tou fo~ Christmas? BOB: So~thlng ITve ,~lwaTs ,~ented. JACk: ~hat~ BOB: A bottle of Msnna-sheva-va-va-vitz~ JACK: There he goes ~galn...he just c~M~nnashevltz .... he ~ can't say tha~j "~ i-i-heve~ Say Do~ we know ~hat Jack gave e~e~ybody for Christmas except ~ou. What did he give you? JO
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-IO- DON: Well, Bob, Jack dldntt give me anything fo? C_hristmas because he gave me ~ birthday present and he thought ~ birthday was too close ~o Christmas. M3.RY:~hen is you~ birtb~lay, Don? DON: The twenty-third of August. MARY: Oh...well, what did Jack give you for your birthday? DO~I: A rabbitls fooS. MARY: No wonde~ my ~uff lln~. s. jACK: Ma~y, please. New~--D~~-s~y-~h~ gi~.~ou s 0hrlstrnas present? Di@-nlt you ~et t~kage JACK: A ~;opher trap! x'""- ///" You call a gophe~ trap a/~ri~%mas present? DON: JACK: Certainly. /// ~ DON: Well, if thet~,~ a C~mlstmes present, I m a~monkey s ~mc±e. / JACK: Well, th~r~"~ a tree outsi~e, start climbing, Boh~q~ .... DON: You "k~ow, Jack, ! hate to say this, but it seems to me y~: gave woL~se presents than usual this Christmas. JACK: Look, ~hree Dimensions1, T gave bette~ tha~ I ~ecelved... ~6~4hst did ~y w~ite~s ~ive me?...TheyIve been worklng fo~ me ten years now aped they ~8ve ~ noth~z~..~ ~| MARY: JO That's you~ own fault, Jack...don't Fou think your writers would be nlee~ to you ~f you ~ere nloe~ to them? ~,]'HO~ 01832E~9
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!I -I1- JACK: N% I don't, end I'ii tell you~aR~why.,~yee s ago I had a wrl~er...one aay ne came to me~ tear~flly..,.He said he - couldnlt do Dis ~¢ork because his eyesight was so bad.,,,3o I g~ve him mon~7 to go to an optometrist..He got hi~ eyes ex~mlned, bought g!aSse% read his cont?ac% a~d quit...So go be nice to peo~le.,.Now I don't ~nt to he~r shy more about Christmas presents becsuse tonight we have a very i~portant sketch to do. SO let's get on with the-- DON: But Jack -- JACK: No buts, Don..anything e~se can wait,..ou~ sketch is the most ~l~portant thing ~ight now. DON: What mbcut the conmlerci~l? JACK: AS I was ssying...ou~ sketch is the second most ~9o~tant thing...What kind of conm~rclal h~ve you prepared? ~. DON: Well, the Spol-tsmen Quartet thought that this being the end of 1959-, they would do bheir version of o.ue of the most popula]~ sor~s of t year. ROCH: t~ T:~-~O ~ 7~t83290
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~L'ART: BECAUSE OF YOU ~9]~RE IS A SMILE ON MY FACE BECAUSE OF YOU I F~JOY BETTER TASTE BECAUSE OF YOU MY MANY FRIEND~ OH, LUCK~Z WE LOW ZOU, WE DO ~:~'~ ~' B0 ROUND AND FIRM, FU~LY PACEZD WE AGREE OH, LSM, LSM, MFT~ FT BECAUSE OF YOU I NOW ENJOZ EAC~ PUFF NO ONE IZ ROUGH BECAUSE 0~ YOU YOU ~OW ~'S NOTHING THAT BEATS ~TT_ER ~STE THAT'Z WHY WE LIKE LUC~f STRi-~-. JC R T'KO 1 018329 !
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(~n ROUletTE ) -13- WsskTn. ..... And ~cwj l~dlas ~d ~tl=~men,..as is our custom almast overy y~ar at this time..we ~-ill present a New ye~s Play entitled, "~ne New Tenant, or Goodbye Fifty-Two, Hello Fifty Three. " ..... As ms8~ of yen who haw heard us do ibis t~s of play before will realize..~tb~s is an allegorical fantasy wbd.ch t~k~s place In-- BOB: Hold it, Jaek~ bold it. BOB: Wed~--~nd~--ne~-o~ ~ndT-. ~ .--IcsZin-.. wha t does allegorical fantasy ~ea~? JACK: Well..let me see.. ~e4~ allegorical fani,asy ~s/somethln~ that could l~%ppen, ~,ithough it ~eve? has. MAR"Z: Like -% rabbit being sable. JACK: You know~ Ma~y, there is ~ C~i~se p~overb taken from a popular so~.. Gir3, w~o make fun of boss soon find it not such ~ long long time f?om December to May Company!" ..... So watch it, Ming Toy ..... Now in ou~ fantasy, I will play the paTt ,qf the old ~e~ 1952 ~hc has bea~ !i~in~ i~ & bi~ boardlng house called The Unlt~d Slates which is ?nn by Uncle Sam and bls ~e Col%~bla ..... -~Dd Bob, you're going to play the part of Uncle Sam. BOB: Well, thanks, Sack,. JACK: You'~e welcome~..N~w~~J~9-.hm.i~ht~ bl/~-~ " u ~ w ze st~#8 on l~t and red a~Id w~ _~ ~ BB R~><r31 ( tSa,~:
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-14 - JACK: T~wen~--hurt--yo~ .~, -Now Ma1~yj you pla, y th~ D~rt of Columbia... ~You're Bob's wife ~nd you ~ve lo_ ~y-e_ght children.., BOB: ...MARy, COM~ BACK EE~RE, IT'S O~Y A pLAy. J~A ~-you-a~ y~kwo_ st ~ ~t ida_ ep~ -!~w~i~t - aad-A ~-sk~. JACK: ~, ,Now Don -- ~Yaa~ 'ak~ JACK: You play a very ±mport~.t part in tonight's fantasy .... ¥ou'~a going to be the wo~Id. -fes,~ ioos~n yo ~bel~, y~'re strangle-rig South Amei~ica. .... AND NOW ~V~ES AND GENT~N FOR 0U~ t~kY...THE NTmW TEn, ANT....AS ~HE CURTAIN RI~S, THE TIME IS AL~OST MIDNIGHT, DEC~MB~q 3iET. ~IVD OLD MAN 1952 IS ~ACI~.NG HIS ~&GS READY ~D ~ Y-ZS ~X~T...CURTAIN...M~S~S... (P.AND PIAYS Ai~D L&NG SI~-E) JACK: (AS RDU~E) Oh Columbia, Columbia...will you come t:s~e & ~i~Nt~, pleaBs ? MARy: (RUBE) Wh~t do you '~ant, Fiflty-t~o? JACK:~'ll have to be moseying along, soon..bett~ start packing my things before glttle ~fty-th~ee gets t~re. ,~ BB t~ THO'I 01832£3
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-15- JACK :~ ~<.~ ~fi- M 6~o~W'.~ ~: W N~ ~l-et~ ~r ~e~--, w~ ~ @lae 9- ~RY: Gosh, old ~imsr, I hate to sss you go. JACK: I ~inda l~tB to go myself...bu~ I bad a pretty good time while I ~as here...travelled a io% too. MARY: Travslled? JACK: Yep~ I've been out West where Men a~e Men....I've b~en to Paris, where Women ar~ Women...and l've been ta ~nmark ~hers y~s~m~.., ~B~t l'll kinda mlss tha old world... with its radio and telovislon.., .autos, airplanes -- (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) MARY: Well, Hello, Uncle Sam. BOB: Hello, Col~mbia, just dropped by to say goodbye ~o ~fty-Two ..... Where is he? JACK: Hez,e I am...~'m ~ty-two. ~OB: ~l~%at did you say? JACK: I said i'm Fifty-two. E,3~: l~ever thought you'd admit it. JACK: This is ~r. Allegorics~l Fantasy....Wallv~-pa~hr~to~ r ~e sm~j~ you know: th~s one of t~ ~ ,llers bez~ I'm gonaa miss. ~,~He ~.uro b~c~gs ~ big ~[t while I was her~. JACK: Johnny Ray... ~/~TES HIM~51NGS) "~en your sweetheart, Writes a !ether of gogdbyo" ..... I ~a~I~l! take that so~ wlth me. .-" " MARy: Here, 01d Timer, you c,~n take this sor~, too.., i'~ck of / it~/ ~B f] r~<O I 0183294.
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JACK: MARY: JACK: -16- Wb~ch~gne is thgt? Oh yeah...Can't uDde~s'~a~d ~;hy that didn,t become ~ hit... f- MARY: ~ i% yourself; I wouldn't touch It. "- BOO,~ OPENS) ( SOUND : MARy: C05~ IN. (SOUND: BOB: JACK: DENNIs: BOOR ()PENS) Key look, it,s my nsighbor, Mexico. Mexico? (MEXICAN) Exc~se ms, Senor, but I ~ve come to say goodbye... I theeep~<. JACK: %~ii, thank you. Say Mexico, it was awfully nice of you to say goodbye to 01d Time~. f~NNIS.~It was nothing, Senorita. DENNIS: JACK: ~NNIS: JACK: JACK: rDE~NIS: ~AC~: come up hers and Say, Mexic , didn' you j~st elect a nsw president by the r~me oJ~ Ocarinas? Si, That was quite an exciti~g el~csion. Si...lam still wearJ.r~ tho bu~on, Me candidate. ~h~n. ACnat about that small print on the bottom. What does tb~t say? BB
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-17- DENNIS: Drink b~n~shevavltz. ,TACK: Doggone...a fellow by ~he name of Rob C~osby made t'r~t famous. ~NNIS : Wello..l have to go now...Adios. JACK: ,SO long~ Mexico. (S0b~nD: DOOR 0LOSES) JACK: Well, Col~bla...I better get on with my -- Say, isnrt i~ too early fo~ the New Yea~ to be getting here? ~AMY: W~t do you mean, 01d Timer? JACK: Look out tb~ ~indow...hers he comes now ~Ithout any closhes on,. ,J~st a cloth wrapped around him... ~Y, A_~E YOU THE _Nh~g ~R ? MEL: (MOOLEZ) No, I~m on my way borne f~om Santa Anita. JACK: Doggone, I run into !xLm every year. JACK: Well...I better finish my packing. ,.where's my Elevator shoes? MARY: gay, ~if~y-two ...why did you wear elevator shoes? JACK: i was a l~ap y@ar~ I t~da be a little ~aller than the r=~st. Ke~ ~e hee. MARy:~at ~as corny but i~ was cute. JACK: Yep...I guess so...aow hand me my-- (SOUND: K~OCK ON DOOR) # JACK: Al~ys interruRtlons..~. 0ME IN. (SOUND: DOOR 0~F~S) DON: l~s me, Old Timer. JACK: Well, if it ain't the Wo~!d ..... Come on in. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) BB RT;,<01 0183296
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• H, JACK: Say, War!d ..... ~?nat took you so loug getting here? DON: ~ beeu to the doctor about tt-~s boll on my ~houlder. JACK: re is it? DON: Right here....Fo~ea. JACK: Gosh, you've sure bad %rouble with boils ~his year~ haven'~ you. DON: Sure have.. ,Korea...iudo Cbln~...iudonesia....And a uew one just broke out in Morocco. JACK: Well, let's hope Fifty-tb~ee can get ~id of ,era. DON: T~ope so.., Well, I better be spinning along.., .So long. 01d Timer. JACK: Goodbye, W~. ..... ( TR~NSITION ICCSI C ) JACK: Doggone,...I'm all alone and it's almost m~dzlght....Gosh, I'm blred...I sure had tkmes hundred and sixty six tough days ..... I did the b~st I could~ th~ new fellow will do a lot better. (SOUND: FIRST GONG) JACK: Oh - Oh°..therer~ the first stroke of midnight. ~ new tenant ougata be h~re any second now.., f~ell..I better ge~ my "cag~ and -- ($OO~: LIGHT Z~CCK ON DOOR) JACK~T~t must be him now ..... COME IN. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) JACK: W8ll, it's the little new year= all #i~ht..,(GONG) Hello, Sonuy.
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BOY: JACK: BOY: JACK: BOY: JACK: BOY: JACK: BOY: JACK: BOY: JACK~ BOY: -19- Hello, 01d Timer. Say...you1~e a cu~e lltt]e rascal. Than~ you. Gosh, just look at you...so yeung~..so e~ge~...so ho!~i~l... looking at the world t[mough rose colomed glasses. Well, didn't you see the world through rose colored g]~sses? {GONG) No'he wer~ green,.,.during my s~ay he~ they put C~hlomophyll in ~...~Tnat a f~d. You sours] liku you dldn~t enjoy your stay, Old Timer. Oh~oltuy..~i saw plenty of c~nges....I saw ti~ ladies all go~ for poodle haircuts..(GONGj..~I saw a new he~vywelght champion crowned,...and I saw Brookiyn almost win the World Series. Gee, I n~ver heard of that. World Serles? No~ Brooklyn. YOU will~ you will...they may even apply fo~' Statehood .... Tsp, sonny~ (GONG) there ,re hewn some good mom~nbs and Bome sad ones during my ~tay....One of ou~ oldest countries, England, lost he~ Sing while Z was he~e...and just recently our youngest countrN, Israel, lost their p~esldsnt... I'm sorry you couldn,t meet them....they were loved by everybody. (GONG) is Israel the onl2 country that has presidents? BB RT;~OI O't 8 3,c 9B
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......... ~ .............................. -20- JACK: Oh no, $o~Righ~ here in Amerlca wen/e ~d them ~ince the cauntr{; stgr~ed• And during my stay ~h~re ttmy had a presidential election...It started out in July ..... the gepubllcans and Democr ts had conventions...there ~ere lots they bJ~d nominated Adla± Stevenson and F2~ight Eisenhowe~... and then abou~ a month and a half ago, sixty-one raillion people went to the polls and voted•..and ~ight Eiseiuow~r WO~. BOY: Will I g~t to meet b~m? JACK: Meet _him! In no time he'll have you callin~ b~--m Ike,.(GONG) ~New~take good c~re of ~[m, Sonny, ~s got a big job on ~ts hands. BOY: ~_ccunt on ~, Old Tim~. JACK: ~cnny, I might as well tell you something...the ~orld was ~ust in to see me a while ~go and he ain,t in such RoOd shape ..... as a matter of fact, he,s ~Inda sick. (GONG) BOY: Wb~t'~ tb~ matter with him? JACK: W~ll, he,s got some spots that are klnda t~oubllng ~ztm .... It's a blood cozdition...too ~ny r,ed cells or something .... I hope b~s health improves during youe stay ~re. BOY: I hope so~-~ JACK: We~il, let's see...Have I got everything?..(~...Yep... I'm just about ready nd go...Yessiree....well, good luck, ~fty- bh~ee. [~ 1" :~0 'l 0183299
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BOY: Th~nks, 01d Timer. JACK: Now be sure ~nd ~aks- good c~%rs of ~verybody. BOY: I will... COODB~ FIFTY-~WO~ J~CK: ~C LONG: S0~'NY ..... ~EP S~DLLING. ( SOL~TD: L~ST GONG ) (AULD !ANG SY~E UP) L -- "~iI ~T~O! 018S300
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/ JACK: DON : -22- l~dies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my t~levlsion progmam which goes on imm~dla~]y after this show...but first here's so~fil~ing i'd like ~o say.. ~nd it's really appropriate at this time... Ladies and gentlemen, the chief hope of our enemies is to divide the Uulted States along racial and religious lines, and thereby conquer us. LeD~s not spread prejudice. A divided America is a ~reak America. Tbmough our behavior ~e encourage the respect of our children ~nd ~nake them better neighbors to all ~aces and religions. Remind them that being good neighbors has helped make ou? country g~at and kept her free. The, nk you. (APPLAU~) Jack ~ll be hack in j~st a moment, but first... 4 BB ~TNOi 0'183307
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-L ~HE JACK !~N~'Y PROG~L~M SUNDAY, UE~E~ 28, !952 (T~4NSCRIBED DECEMBER 18, 1952) CLOSING COMMERCIAL DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first ... Nothing -no, neth~- beats better taste - ~nd COLLINS: Luckies taste hetter! CHORUS: Cleaner, fresher, smoother! COLLINS: Luckles taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner, freshe-~, smoothe~! Lucky St~.ike means fine tobacco Richer-tastlng fine tobacco! COLLINS: Lackles taste better! CHORUS: Cleaner, fr~she~,, ~moother! Lucky Strike ... Lucky Strike! DON: Friends ~.. in ~ cigarette, nothing - no, ~ - beate better taste. ~md Luckles taste better ... cleaner, fresher, smoother. No wonde~ you find faitb~ul Lucky smokers evel~y~he~e ... e/uong college students, for instance. A _~tlon-wide survey, based on actual student tatervlews in 80 leading colleges, reveals that more smoke~s in these colleges p~efer Luckles t~han any othe~ cigarette. And by wide margin~ W~trs more, Lucky S~l~Ike ~ined far more smoke~s tb~ the nationis two othe~ prinnlpal brands combined~ And why? The number one reason the students g~ve for smoking Luckies was better taste! yes~ ilke so many of us, these college students prefer Luckles - the cigarette that t6ste~ betbe~ . .. cleaner, fresher, smoother! go for the better taste that means more smoking enjoyment - Be h~ppy - go Luc~j! Next time, ask for Lucky Strlk~: ORCH: ( SHORT VAMP ) P~T~O I 0183302
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-B- (Cont'd) SUND_~y, 'DECW~NBER 28~ 1952 (TRANSCRIB~ DFGE~ 18, i95~) CLOSING COMM~CIAL (~ONT'D} SPORTSMEN QU~TET: Be b~ppy -- go Lucky Get better taste today! ES ,~1 ;~01 0'1 B3303
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-23 - JACK: Well, folks, in just thirty seconds I'2.1 be doing my television show and my ~,~est stars ~lll be M~. end Mrs. ~immy (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC ) DON: The Jack Benny pro~am %e~gh~ was "~mitten by Milt Josefsbe~g, John Tsckabsrry, A1 Gordon; He,1 Goldman and produced and tr6nscribed by !{llli~rd Msrks. The Jack Berry Pwogr~m is brought ~o you by L-@cky Strike -- product of the Ame~ic&n Tobacco Company -- .~.meric~,s !sadin~, ~anuf~ctu~p of cig&~ettes. I

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