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Radio Continuity, Lucky Strike, Jack Benny, Sept. - Dec. 1951

Date: 1951
Length: 425 pages
ATX01 0181193-ATX01 0181615
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pROGRAM #i REVISED SCRIPT ~,~~Jc ~V:s~* :! ~ ~ \.~ TI~ JACK BENNY PROGI~M SUNDAY, BEPTEi~ER 16 19~l .... CD8_ ....... 4::00-4:_30 PM P~ ...... RIMO1 O18119~
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MUSIC : THE JACK B~NNY PROGRAM SEPTEMBER ~, 1951 OP~IING COfiMERC IAL (OJ~ANT_-- 65-to 68 -~ SOLO A~RICAN ~ . ..-:: , .",,s , ~ 0 VAMP ~ , : q CHORUS : SHAP~UTT : ~JSIC : CHORUS : Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Hapl~y -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (SHORT CLOSE) .I Friends, we say, "Luckies taste better th~n any other cigarette'" --and you have a perfect right to know why we make that statement. So here mre the fects. The taste of depends on two things.-- first, what it,s made of, second, how it,s put together. Now, to get better taste in a cigarette, you must begin with fine tobac0o. That's right, there,s no substitute for fine tobacco -- don,t let anybody tell yoo different, and -- LS/MFT -- Lucky Strik8 means fine tobacco. In addition, Luckdes are made better. Tb~t,s why they're always round and firm with no loose ends. That,s why Luckles are always fresh and smooth smoking. Yes, you can depend on Luckies, fine tobacco ai~i superlom workmanship to make every single Lucky Strike a far better cigarette -- mellow, deeply enjoyable. So, if you haven,t tried a Lucky lately, pick up a carton today. You'll agree - Luckles taste better shan any other cigarette ! Be }~ppy -- Go Lucky! (V~) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (LONG CHOSE) RTH01 0181196
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(FIRST hOUTIXE) (A~TER CO}~G{ROIALj }~510 UP A!~]] DO~fN) DON: THE LUOKY $TRIKE PROGRAm4, LIVINGSTOI~'., PIIIL }IARRIS~ TRULY'r DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...~.~JSIC UP AND DOWN~ DON: _]- STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH ~J~f ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, A~D '~OURS WELL~ LADIES ~ID GENTLEI~N, p~RE ~TE ARE BACK ON T}~ AIR A~3~...AS YOU PROB.~LY }~OW, JACK RECENTLY RETUR~:D ?ROM A UHO TOUR IN T~] FAR V~_ST...go NOWj LET'S GO BACK A COUPLE OF ~TEEI~ AND S}DW YCU WHAT }~PPE~ED T}~' DAY OUR LITTLE STAR ARRITED HOME. (~U}~ AIRPORT BACKGROUND AND LIO~T BABBLE OF CROWD~ !IL]C!~' . ......... ~ ~~~~E~I~ Well~ Mary, Jaok will be here pretty ~oon. Yeah, an4 I'ii sure be glad to ~e him, Don. HO~ Gosh, I'l! bet Jack'll be glad to get home ~here he'll be able to step into a hot t~b agsin. MA]~: You're not kidding• I L%u~HS) DON: What ~ro you laughing at, Mary? ~t~iqY: Jack sent me a pictur~ of hlms~if taking a b~th in a barrel.~m~ ~'~?!: !'vc get th~--~t~r~ _~ht ..... Ln m~ ~u ........ H~r~ BB 81"~01 0'181192
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-2- DOE: ~t--m~ -Z Walt a minute, tlmt doesn,t look llke Jack...Where,s his hair? Y~Y: }Io,s usin~ ~t for e wash rag .... look, DON: (LAU~IOLY) That's Jack .... gettlng his back scrubbed and a shampoo at the same time. (SOUND: AIRPORT I~CKGROU~D AhT BABBLE UP) ~L~Ry: Don, Jack,s p~ane is ~upposed to pull up at Gate Four .... Lctls push in a lltt!e closer. DON : Okay. (SOUND: AIRPORT BACKGROUND AND BABBLE STA~ TO F A~). I~A/~N: (RUBE) You see, Glee, I told ~ou there'd be lots of excitement ~re at the airport. ELVIA: (RUB~ ~You're right, Olem. haven't seen so many people since MacArthur came t~h~ough C~labassss. }~ARN : Yeah. ELVIA: SeT, Clem, whols this feller you dragged me down here to see today? EI,VI A : Nho? ~AR$1: Jeok Ber~ly...the s~ar of sta~s, screen, radio a~d television. You ouiJnta know hem, he played the vlo~in at your Aunt ?oodv, s t.icddi~.~. ELVIA: Oh yes, I reme~oer .... Insteed of Oh P-~mise Me, he played the Hot Canar~. I~2~I: That's the boy. (SG~D: AIRPORT BACI~RCUND AND BABBLe]) BB
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yARY : VIG~Lq~ : Don...Don...look...I think Jack'S plane is coralng in now. (SOU?D: FI~NE MOTOR UP AND DO%~) (FIIN%R) CONTROL TOI.~R TO PILOT...COI¢±'~OI, TO%,~R TO PILOT... YOU .~ CLT~D. PILDT TO COHTROL TOWER...PILOT TO CQNTROL TOWER... P.~,-Ar, ZR!OF@I SPECIAL FLIGHT-F~7-~ COMING IN FOR A LANDING. Mr. Koruny, you ca~ t~ke your head cot of my l~p now. JACX : Thank yo,~'. ~,Jzu~% ~. (APPLAUSE) JACK: Gee, this t~ip wasn,t half ~s rough as I thought it ~ould be. EF~[S: Oh, this was ~ ve~ snlooth flight .... and in Just ~ moment ~e'll be 3a~ding at the International Airport in Los Angeles. JAO~<: Los Angsiss! .... But you p~,omlsed me yould land at 8an Nranoisco. DidrL't you r~dio my message? I~JJLS Yes, and I got an answer...They said they don,t need yo~r slg~at~r~ o~ the Japanese Peace TPeaty. JACK: Oh...Well, it was nloe of them to answer. 0.~ VIGRiN: (FILTER) CONTROL TOWER TO PILOT...CO~ROI, TOWER TO PILOT... I~IRE ii~ YOUR I~NDING INSTRUCTIONS. ~f~2~o. Go ahead. VPGP~bN: (FILTER) I~T~ER, CLEA~..CEILING A2~D VISIB2LITY, UNLIMITED, BUT DON,T LET THAT THROW YOU, THIS I SS LOS ANGELES. JACK: Of course It,s Lo~ .qngeles.l~ I can reco~nlze all those landmarks. ~S: Oh yes...there's the HollB-~ood Bowl, JACK: And therg's tee Califo~nla B~nk. BB ~]MO'I 01Bl199
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-4- I~'PJLNS: There,s the Coliseum. JACK:~ nd there's the Bank of America. Iq~ARNS: There's Westlake Park. JACK: Aud there's the Security Bank. I~'AP~S: And look...there's where they're bui]dlng the ~algamated First National. JACK: 0ooooooooohh...a new one:...Isn't this exciting? EE~NS: Ncw Mr. Benny, ~e're coming ~ for a landing...so go sit somewhere ~nd fasten ~ safety belt. JACK : 0 kay. (SOUND: pLANE MOTOR UP AND COMING DOWN FOR A LANDING... pLANE IANDING AND pROPELLERS SLOW 'DOWN TO IDIE..,AND T}~N ObT...AS BABBLE OF CRO~ NOISES FADES IN] MA~Y: (THROUGH BABBLE) Don..Don..look, there.s Jack getting off the ~lane. DON: I see him...Come on, Mary, lot~s push through the crowd. ( SOUND : BABBLE ) ~y : .t ~, JACK...JACK... JACI( : M~.RY ! DON ! DON: H'YA, JACK! '- JACK: Oh boy, ~ good to ~e back...Pucker up, Mary, I,m gonna give you a great big k~ss. N~EY: (R~.~ARRASSRD) Oh, Jack, not In front of your friend. JACK: My friend? M~/~Y: Yes, that man standing right behind you...He came off the ~lane with you. BB ~]MO~ 0181200
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JACK: I~Ei~CN: JACK: RELS~h JACK: ~LSC, N: JACK: h~LSON: JACK: DON: v~v,,. JACK : MARy : JACK : MARY : Oh, these people who follow celebrities. will you please beat it? ! c6~i t. What? Remember when the pilot told you to sit down and fasten your sefety bolt? Uh huh. q ~lell, you set on m~e and tied ~%y suspenders sround you. Oh..oh, I,m sorry. I,ll untie them. Jack, IJm going out to the main gate and hold the cab for you. Okay...Geo, Mary, I~m so glad you came down to meet me...Did you have a nice su~ner? Well, yes end no. I got e fish hook caught in my finger... - ~ I tot s blister on my thumb from swinging golf clubs.. Then I sprained my ~¢rJst ~:-~th a tennis ~acquet, and then as if that wasnlt enough, I got bumped on the head with a surf boerd. ~,~ell, Mary..you cert~in!y had ~n active vacation. ~Jhat vacation? I was work~Jng in the Sporting Goods D~partment at the Msy Company. BB FITHOI 0181201
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f JACK: }~I%RN : JACK : H~t~N : JACK : HEAP~< : ELVIA : JACK: -6- Oh Good good...I told you my agent would t~ke care of you... Gosh, Ma.~y, look at all these people at the a~?port .... I ~rondcr how many of them came down to see me. After all, I a ma celebrity. H'ya, Rube! Huh? Remember me? Oh, yes...yes..how are you'! Fine, fine...l'd llke you to meet my wife. Row do you do. (CHUCKLE) She alnrt no Jane Russell, but she's my kind of woman! -Nmm. OD~ k ~ Jeck, coms on. -f~ es sir, Benny, came all the way down here to invs~oq~ o parade down the 8tl~eet, you a real welcome. ]~RN: Co9~, we can't afford fireworks, but / co~s on their backs and $qui~t ~]k in the air. /JACK: BB A]MO'I 0181202
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DON: (0R~') RIO~T OWa ~P~, 0~,-'"-/~ ~ t~. JACK: ~ Thanks, Don. (SOU~TD: TAXI DOOR OP~NS & CT-OSES) JACK: AILh.,.I !1 be glad to get home. ~,EL: l~here to, folks? JACK: 366 l~:orth Camden Drive. MEL: Yes sir. ( SOUND : JACK: DON : 1,~RY: JACK: ~L: ~,~ -7- JACK...T-~RIGHT HERE. MOTOR,..GFAR SHIFT!..MOTOR ESTA~LIS}~S A~D FADES DG~,~ ] Just think...ten hours ago I was ~n ~ 5rid now I'm almost home. Well Jack, donlt you feel tired and worn out after that lol~g trip? Ch, c !tt~-.~n, hut it :::-c t:crth~e~pl~m ~Ivo ~:rn tn~ the ~cc~. ....... 3 .... 3 ~ , ~-h:~..Av$~:z'j, Don, it was really quite an expepience doing those shows in Korea. We had s great show, too....The~e was Marjorie Reync]ds, Benny Venuta, Frank Remley, June Brunner, Marry Ka~z~e, Delores Oay...and ErroiF~/~n, / vo2, he was our, ~erone...And Don, one incident h~penod in Korea tbet I,ll never forgot... We were just 6bout ten ]~iles above the Thirty-eighth P~r~llel when -- Say Misser, do you want me to go up gepulveda to ~unset or cut across to Santa Monioa Boulevard? ~B A1M01 0181203
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-8- JAG][: Either way, either way...Anyway, k]d~, wo ~ere above the Thirty-ei~]th Farallel~, and we stayed with this battalion fom three days. 9<me>ched rIC~Jt with them.,,fo2 th~ee dsys and nights until ~e finally reached the Outskirts of Yong Dong Pc. Eow to enter this village, we had to cross a little stream...snd we ~e so tired, 8o dirty, and gl~, we jumped r~ght into the ~at~r. And M81~, you~ll never ~uess ~hat. ~RY: You were the only one with a wash rag. JACK: I ,was not -- ...Now MaYq,, lishen... ~N~. .... Oe-ahea resting. ~.~at ._~ ........ :~r~- JAVA. ~ell, that night ~e wore camped on the outskirts of to~n,~%~,~r just a few miles from the front lines. I~ ~as a dark night, no moon, ~n'l thcrs ~:z: a :tr~r~c fc~i~-~he-e~he~ .... ~ ........ ~^"~ *~ .~ppo~ All of a sudden, outside ME~. it's shorter by Santa Monica, but there ain't so much traffic on Sunset. JACK: Driver~ ~o any way you want to as long as I get home. M~L: All ~'~ I'll go by rico. JACK: ~, go, go...Any~ay, kids, to set the ~mpression thathI was braver than the O~hers... but it ~¢as sbout two o~olock in the morning when I was awakened by 8 rustle in the bushes near my tent...I did~t have a ~un..but ~evertheless--- MEL: Do you ~nd if I turn on ~he radio? BB R]H01 0]81204
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-8- JACi[: ~ither way, either way...An~'wayt kids, we were above the Thirty-eizhth Parallel ~ and we stayed with this battalion for three days..A.ma~ched right with them...for three days and nights until we fJnallF reached the outskirts of Yong Dong Pc. Now to enter this vi]lage, we had to cross a little stream.. ,and we were so tired, so dirty, and grimy, we jumped right into the w&ter. And Msr~j, you'll never guess what. MAI,~: You were the only one ~dth a wash rag. JACK: I ~,as not j- ...Now Mary, lishen... JAzzy, Well, that ni~llt we w~re camped on the outskil~ts tx~cf~0- just a few miles from the front lines. It was a clark night, no l~ioon, and ~^ ~:zz ~ ~trzr~c ..... ~r,-~he-e~_ ~bhet- ..... ~ ....... ~-÷ ~ h~po~ ~AII of a sudden, outside ~4EL: Etfs shorter by Sa~lta Monies, but the~e sln~t so much traffic on Sunset. JACK: Drivel,, go any way you w~nt to as long as I get home. JACK: A~, go, go...Anywa7, kids, --~" ........ • ..... ................................... .I don't want you to get the impression th~tNI was braver than the others... _~ w~ ebout two o,clock in the morning when I was awakened by a rustle in the bushes near my tent..,l didn't have a gun..but neverthel~ss--- ~. Do yo~ ~nd if I torn on the radio? DB ~I'XO'I 018'1205
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-9 JACK: hi don't care ~-h~t you do, JACK: Anyway, kids,Awhen ! heard this noise, even +~,,~ T di~.'t have c g~rI went out to investigate. I got down on all fours and was crawling along the ground...when ~II of a s~/dden -- (B~24D RIASTS OUT WITH I~3UD~_ BRASSY RENDITION OF "STARS AND bfhlr~S") . , JACK: Turn that aown.-.~u~n t~'~radio dow~] ~.~5I. Okay, okay. (SOUND: T~ RADIO IS ~AmNED DOh~BUT WE STILL "STARS AND STRIP~S" SOFTLY IN B.G. ) JACK: That's better. Anyway, I crawled srouna to the side of the brush...and there in a gully were four snlpers...I h~d to think fast... (SOU?ID : ~[C51C 0UT) JACK: I iclew ± could get a hand grenade . JACK: JACK: but then I found that it was Drotected by barbed wire which had a h~gh voltege of electricity runnin~ threu~ iv. Yet I had to get to those h~nd grenades, K]L^~RNS: (FILTER) And now for a news item. O~ of ~dlo~s most popular comedians just re~ur!~ed from Korea where he spent several weeks entertaining our boys. Welt a minute..wait a minute..he ~s talking about me.. ~river...Driver.. (SOUND: CLICK) I'~t'~'HO J 0181206
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-IO- JACK: No no, don't turn it off..turn it on...tu1~n it on loud,.. he~s t~iking ~bout me. ~L. Wh~t? JACI'[: Your radio, turn ~t on! ~,L: Okay. (SOLSND: CLICK...LOUD Z~ST OF "STARZ A~ID gTRIFEZ'r) JACK: Oh, for he~ven sakes, we massed it.i.Drlver...Driver... (SOU~D: STARS AND Sq~IPES FINISheS) ". ~ARNS: And noi~', ladies and gentlemen -- JACK: Ik Driver - KFJKRN~: We bring you that z-ell-kfLown quartet, the Sportsmen. KEI~S: The Sportsmen will now dedicate a song to theiP boss.,. Jack Bevy., ~ +~ ~_~ - . _ JACK: k~e!l,lklet,s hear it. BB ~lNOi 018"1207
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-II- QU,~J~T : "~ MISSED YOU A BUSHEL AND A PECK, FOR SINCE YOU WENT A~4AY, WE HAVEN'T HiD A CHECK. HAV~,NTT HAD A CHECK ~0AUSE ~^rE HAVEn'T WORI~ED A DAY HAVEN ~T I.f0RKED A DAY, YOU S~DULD }~AR THE THINGS WE SAY .~3CUT YOU...ABOUT YOU... ~ ~-O YOCDLE DOODLE DOODLE, ~D}~-4~~ DOODI~ DOODLE DOODLE DO0. ~ MISSED YOU A BUSHEL A~D A PECK WE EVEN MISSED YOUR VIOLIN, You BE=? QU;fl~T: ~ LC~ YOU A CA~TON 2aND k PACK, TI~ CARTON A~D THE PACK WITH THE BULL'S EYE ON THE BACK, LUCKY STRIKES ARE ,MADE OF THAT FINE AND LIO~ TOBY/( BETTER TASTING, TOO, THERE 15 NOTHI~G THAT THE~Y LACK, LUCKY STRIKE, LUCKY STRII~j LUCI~ STRIKE~, ~, THeY 2a~E RFALIfI MELI.O, MELLO AS A CELLO, L'£ A~ LOVE YOU A C2aRT3N ~YD A PACK AND DOI~ A~YO PHIL AND JACK AOi~. L S, L S, MF..L S, L S, M F..L S, L S, M F T IN ¥0FJ!D~t~., XT.~I, f2~D !*~! TOY2SC. TH01 0181208
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-I$~ BB f~ITFIO'I 0"113 '1209
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JACK: Gee, that wz~nlce oR the boys to dedicate that number to me. (SOUND: MOTOR UP A]{D DOZq~) MEI,:t)a~Heme you are, folkB.. 366 North Ca.~den Drive. (SOU!iD: MOTOR...BRAKES...CAR STOPPING) JACK: Gosh, Ma1~, I cantt get over it...Here I am home and only thirty-six hours ago I was in Tokyo, Japan. (SOUND~: CAR DOOR OPENS) DON: Wetch your step, M~ry. (SCUD: CAR DOOR CLOSES) JACK: I'ii tske care of the cab. Here you are, Driver..seventy-flve Yen.. Keep the ch~n0e. MEL: ~..They're no good here. JACK: ~, you can get.them ch~Dged at the ba~k tomorrow. ~I~L: ~hat's what you told me last ~ear end I've still g ~ pocket full cf pesos. JACK : Db~v e~- - I,J~L. The year-before that it was shillings. -- JACK: Now look-~ ~.,~ • / ~%L: The only break I eve~'~qt was ~hen ycc came b~ck frcm Alask~ ~9%RY : Alaska? "~ ~----L: He paid me off w'ith frozen fish. Tha~ I could e~t. JACK: Neve~ Ndn~, just go. ~- • '"(SOUND : CAR DRIVES OFF ) "~'~. J~//~O~f Co~.e o~, ki~s, let's ~o i.~ the house. /'MARY: Say, Jack, in A!asks do they <eally use fish for money? BR F~I-NO 1 0181210
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-14- ^ ck~ look x, lhols co~iz~ down the walk to meet you. DON: JACK: k_~.erc ? ROCI{: (FADING IN) JACK: Rochester! (APPiAUSE) ROOH: JACK : ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: [~CH: y~RY : BOSS ..... HOSS....BOSS!! (CRYING) DOGGONE, BOSS, IT'S SURE GOOD TO ID~VE YOU HOME. You really ra!ssed me, huh, Rochester? Y~AH..(S0~~ AND SLDW)..AI~ THE WEEKS YOU ~RE AWAY, THIS OLD HOUSE WAS SO LONESOME..I,D GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND SHE YOUR BIG EASY Of{AIR SETT]T~I T}~RE WITM NO ONE IN IT, AND I'D FEEL LIKE CRYING. Gee. (:~,M4..L~X~ THE TREES OUTSIDE &~RE I]~ BLOOM, BUT T}~Y ~ NOTHING TO ME. Aw, Rochester. TH~ BIRDS k~HE SINGING, BUT I NEVER COULD SEEM TO HEAR THEM. THE SUN WAS SHINING, BUT I h~VER SAW IT. Re~l]y, Rochester? TEAH...I h~\~R GOT UP TILLE IG~TEIG 0 ICLOCK AT NIGHT! qhat,s ,~hat I thought! Say..the Celemans had their house painted, didn,t they? Jack, there's Benita at the kitchen window., and Ro~le is looking out of the window upstairs. BB R'[H01 O'119 12 11
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JACK: JACK: ROCK: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCK: JACK: DON : Ok, JACK: -15- Oh yes.. (CALL~) RONNIE! .... BENITA! (SOUND: q~J0 WINDOWS SLAM DOWN ONE AFTER T}~ OT~ER FAST) }M..I wonder if they're gonna give a party for my homeccm~ n3. COULD BE, THEY GAVE~ A DILI~Y_ W}{EN YOU WE~Zf AWAY~ That w8s nice. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS UP STEPS...DOOR 0_ENS & CLOSES) Rome..home sweet home..Ah, the house sure lqoks good.. Everything is just like I left it. YEAH, The piano is in the corner..my easy chair by the lamp, and -- and..Rochester, that picture on the wall..Who is it? SKqlL I~E DUST IT AND FIND OUT? Never mlnd..Look kids, let's all sit down for awhile. I just wanta ~elax. (SOUND: MOVING OF CHAIRS) S~y J~ck, I've been meaning to ask you...l presume that on yo,Jr trip there were various times when you had the opportunity to meet some very important people. Don, I'm glad you brought that Up.A~ was ~n Tokyo when General Ridgeway and his wife gave a big reception at the Embassy "-'or Governor Dewoy., .And Don, everybody was there.,. oVo General Ridge~ayand his wif% of coups vernor De~ley.. General Van Fleet., .It was a thrilling occasion. Say Jack, I've seen so many pictures of Mrs, Ridgew&y in the papers, and she se~ms to be so charming. How is she to talk to? BB f:H" ;~01 O1812~2
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DON : JACK : N~%RY: JACK: DON: JACK: JACK: JACK: ~ACK: RCCH: JACK : ROCH: JACK : -16- We]l...you see, I didn,t get a chance to meet Mr_~.q. Ridgcway because she was so busy with all the women there. But the Genera]..Gen ra Ridgeway...~ha s guy..He was so friendly.. so congenial. AYou ve never zccn an~ ~..-n6 like ~ ~.u~u. Oh, then you met General Ridgeway? Well..a funny thing happened, Don. Just as I was about to be introduced to h~, General Van Fleet arrived, so naturally ~e had to rush over and shake hands with him. Oh, then you shook hands ~rith General Van Fleet? Well...a~uost... Wh~t do you mean, elmost? I stuck out my hand and he handed me his hat...I was so emberrasssd I didn't lqlow what to do with it. If you,da put it on, maybe you'd~ met somebody. Met somebody? What are you tslldng about? Before the eveninS was over I met a lot of people. Why I talked for n~-y thirty minutes to Corporal Peterson. %~ho~s Corporal Peterson? Be was the ¢~rried Aunt Poody, but they drafted him anyway...~, ~" H_as, this w~s on9 trip 1,11 never forget if I llve to be a hundred...~~ OR ~OSS, BOSS .... Yes, Rochester'! IT'S YOUR SPONSOR. Cn the phcne? BB M, TH01 0181213
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ROCH: JACK : ~L%BY : JACK : JACK: -17- NO, Tf~ PICTURE, I JUST DUSTED IT. Oh good good...Now ~;h&t ~¢~s I t~Iklng about? About not meeting any generals. Oh yes..but that was in Japan. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) H~..CO~D' IN. (SO~D: DOOR CPENS) DEI~fl IS : I~ }~LL0, E~',RYBOD~{. JACK: D}~NNIS J (APTL%USE) JACK: Dem~is..Dennis, how are you? ~L DEI~NiS:~ine, Mr. Be~kny. WeloQmo home. JACi{: Well, thanks, kid, thanks. DENNIS: Gee,you look wonderful. JACK: Well, thsnks. DEIqNIg : Turn around. JACK: Okay.. (JACK TU~{S ;~ROUND) DENNIJ : Gee you ~ lool~better that way. DE~IS: JACK: DE~ZS: JACK: DWNNIS : JACK: Now ~got to Korea-- }Kin,..De.~i% ~hy can't you ~st once -- Well, never mind.. Tell me, Dennis..did you go snywhere on your v~.cation? I }Tent to Ra~;aii. Well! Hawaii! Did you take the boat! No! ....... ~el±, Dennis, ffid ~--u h¢-:3 = ~.ic3 ti~.c "~'F-z't:aii? BB F~]'NO 1 0'18"12"14
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MARY: got ~?~f~ ~ 7 J~CK: NOT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS! ....... -18- Wait a minute, Jack, aren't you going to ~sk hlm how he • Y ~9 D=~L~I~- : Uh h"--h, ,-~k~~ ! (DENNIS ~ONG -- Okay. ,but zz~- I ........... l.!h~r9 ?ht_-_jo thlmty ~'=~; ~ .................... ~TO0 YOUNG") BB 0181215
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(TNIH} ROUTINg) I]ENNI~ . ~L~RY : DEN~ IS : ~ZqRY : DENNIS : JACK : DENNIS : ,TACK: -19- that song was great .... it will be nice for our opening show. Mahala nul loa okoole malun~, mahi mahl ee aloha hapahole Kamahemeha Kui moi. that Hawaiian. Oh, did you learn to speak}{swaJian while you wePe thePe? Mahala nui loa okoola maluna, mahi mahl ee ~loh% hapahole Y~nmhameha kui moi. What does that mean? I donJt know, but if you say it to a Hawaiian girl, you get your face slapped. Oh sure...Pen~ hang k~esoo Ming god oollee goo wow monS. NEI~0N : JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: DE~IS.%~at's that? JACK:~,ame thing in Kvrea~...You know, it,s a funny thing, but T when you go to a foreign country --- %Jell goodbye, it was nice being with you. Huh? Z finally got the suspenders unfastened. oh..oh..wen, oodhy . Goodbyc, everybody. (~U~: DOOR SUMS) JACK: Almag~c that fellow being that close behind me all the time... Say, Rochester-- ROCH: YES, BOSS. JACK: Would you m~ke us some sandwiches, please? ROCH: 0H, I'M SOREY, BOSS, BUT T~REIS NO FOOD IN THE ROUSE. BB F11 0181216
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-90- JACK: No food? Rochester,, what happened to the money I left you when I went oversees. ROC}[: I'M SORRY,BOSS, ~JT TI~T ONLY LASTED FOR T}~EE ~.K8. YOU }~;0W, A DOLLAR DOZSN,T GO AS FAR AS IT USED ~D. MAFf: How much did he leave you, Rochester? ROCH: A DOLLAR. T Tr ~AC~,: ...Mary, stoic looking at me..He was suppOSed to buy seeds and g~ow things...You'd think th~t--T~ " " • (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JAcI::O" M ry, ~aa~@~-t~a~, %'ili you, pl~sc. MARY: f;~ Sure, J~ok, (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) PHfL: Well, my truly, truly fairJ ~J~Y : Phil. MARY: Come on in, Phil. (SOU'NDi DOOR C OSES) / i pHIL: ~liRY: YOu haven,t changed eltherf%.Just set you~ gl~ss on the table end come in. JACK: (OFF) WHO 18 IT, ~i~qY? yARy: (UP) ALICE,S WONDERLA~D, . JACK: (COMING IN) Oh hello, Phil. BB FI]'NO'I 0181217
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-21- P}HL: H'ya, Jackson. Welcome home. JACK: TP~tks, Phil..and before I forget it, I want to tb~nk you for letting Remley come to Korea with me. P}~L: Oh, thatls all right, Jackson. JACK: He was very handy...Every time we did a show for the soIdie~s, he accompanied us on the guitar. PHIL: Cood. JACK: And I want you to ~qow that I brought him back to you safe a~Id so~nd. PHIL: Th~.tls all rlght..no h~d feela~n~ JACK: Anyway Phil, it was ~ good Idea,~klt was worth a try. PHIL: All right, so we werentt lucky. MARY: P~i~, hew are Alice and the kids? PHIL: Fin@..emd you know something, Llv...Alice got herself a new car yesterday. ~ARY: Oh, that's nice..what kind? PHIL: O~*~0ne of them foreign cars..A Dagmar, JACK: TI~A~'~B JAOU~R~ ...... Da~r is ~ girl on television. JACK: Dennis ~ DENNIS: I~v~ changed this s~n~ueP. JACK : What? Mahala nui loa, o 9ola/naluna, ma mahl ee aloha h~J,~/~u JACK: Now cut that out! ...Behave yourself,~e~z~. pHIL: ~ Donzy! I didn't see you...H~yz, Don. D0~: ~)~Hollo. Phil• All set for the first program? PHIL. ~ %,eady for another season BB ~IXOI 0181218
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-22- I' DDN: You itnow..~hen the summer is over and September comes, end / - ~;~ have to go bsck to work, you feel...well, sort of llke kid Going b~ok to school. P}[fL: Yeah...I remember how sad I felt both years I went back to school. JACK: Both years? PHIL: ~X~l took two cracks at the first grade then married Alice: JACK: How do you llke that. ~] ,,i~Ry : Jack, ~ ~ -w~ ~-~e ~-@e-eek-~A~T. DeUJ~k~is: ho~ in t~e world did youget to Hawaii if you didn,t take the boat o~~ pl he? JACK: ^No you don't, Mary...Look, this is the first time ~e've been together in months...I don't want that kid driving me .... ~ silly about it? If he di~,t take the boat to Hawaii and he didn,t fly, maybe he took the train. JACK: O~,Oh he took the train, eh? And how, pray tell, can ~nybody go by t~'ain from here to Hawaii? PEIL: You can ~o i~to ~ Pullman and get...Aloha, (LAUGHS) HA I~ E~. ~. ~'~DENN!S, ~N~E MADE THAT UP THIS MORNING, I TOLD YOU ~4~ 0LD MAN WOULD SNAP AT IT. JACK: Phil, why don't you go back to your little grass shack in Doo Wah Ditty? P}~L: I'm going, I'm going..~s-~, DENNIS: I'm soing too, Phil. PHIL: so long, J~ckson...see you latew. i\Come on, Mgry..Don..l,ll drop you all off. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) BB F~IXO 1 0181219
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h -23- JACK So loog Hid° t'UM2~, -- JACK: Aloha..All right, so I bit on it. At least I had sense enough not to ask Dennis why he was wearing that [~,ass skirt. ROOH: BOSS, ~0ULD YOU LIKE ME TO FILL THE BATH UP FOR YOU? JACK: ~ Not yet..I think Ill just turn on the ~adio ~nd relax for awhile. ROCH: OKAY. (SOb~ID: CLICK OF F~I0o..LITTLE STATIC) (BAND pLAYS SOME SOFT, SOOTHING MUSIC...SUSTA~ IN BACKGROUND) JACK: Ab/~L. ROCH: SAy BOSS, I MIGME AS WELL UNPACK yOUR HAGS. JACK: . .go ahead, Rochester. (SOUND: UNPACKING NOISES) ? JACK: (HEMS WITH 0RC~STRA) Gee, that's a pretty song7 ~ ROCH: yOU E~0W, BOSS, CONSIDERING HOW FAR yOU TRAVELED, YOUR CLOTHES DIDNIT GET VERY WRINKLED, SO I,LL JUST HANG T}8~4 UP AND ....... BOSS' BOSS: JACK: ~n~t's the matter, Rochester? ROCH: THAT THAT THAT THAT THING IN yOUR SUITCASE! JACK: What thing? ROCH: AIN'T THAT A HAND GRENADE? JACK: Yes, but don~to~ 9~96~ ~ge't~ fri~,j/)tened, Roohe~t~j~ ~p~,~..~ ROCH: WHO, ME~ .... ~ 'T~'TT~T'T-- T~;'~ IT. TIIiT'~- A IV,'~ C ........ JACK: Rochester, believe me itls all right. Pick it up and shake it. ROCH :~ -kay. (SOUND: COINS SHAKING IN METAL CONTAINER) BR A]'R01 0181220
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ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: -24- BOSD...YOU'VE GOT MONEY IN T}~EE. Uh huh. GOSH, %2~D I WAS AFRAID TO TOUCH IT. know..it's the safest little plg~y bank in the vo~id .... Put it away, Roohester. ~hat are you laughing at? ROCH: 0U HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT, BUT IT'S SURE GOOD TO HAVE YOU j~0~.~ ~ .~ 4. (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) BB FIT N'O 'I 0"181221
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-25- b~grevely depleted by the demands of the Korean / / c~mp~i~ it is l~perative tI~t action~en to insure sn ~deq~ate supply ~'~" for i~ed~te use .... And ladies and gentle~en~ as Gee~er~l Rigeway said;. '~very American who h~s given b~o~d~c~, and should fee: ho pcl~o~l~lly haB~uted direct~l~t~e saving of the life of an American boy." ...... So, please~go~to the blood ban~iT1~your cities amid contribute. Itrs needed~oadly. s is an urgent request. Th~nk you. "~-.~.,. DON: Jack will be b~ck in ~ minute, but first-- BB hi T,~IO '1 0'181222
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f T}~ JACK 'NY PROGRAM SEpTF~BER~, 1951 CLOSING COmmRC~L ~NSlC: (VAMP) CHOEUS:Be Happy -- GO Lucky Be }~ppy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky GO Lucky Strike today.~ (SHORT CLOSE),, SHARBUTT : MUSIC : CHORUS : Friends, you know as well as I that the taste oD any product depends on two things...the quality of what goes into it and how well it's made. Now this is particulBrly t~ue of cigarettes -- and for a better tasting smoke you must begin with fine tobacco. Thst,s ri~it, there's no substitute for fine tobacco -- Don't let anybody tell you different. And -- LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But that,s not all. Luckies are made better. They're elw8ys round and firm with no loose ends to sti@k to your llps. Theyfre always fresh and smooth smoking. In short, you can depend on Luckies, fine tobacco and ~rior wor~m~ns_~Li~ to give you a cigarette that,s ~lways mild, smooth -- the best tasting you,re ever smoked2 $o if you haven't tried a Locky lately, pick up a carton soon. Yourll agree -- Luckies taste better than any other cigarette! Yes, Be H~ppy -- Go Lucky! (VAMP) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today~ (LONG CLOSE) R ]~0'1 01S1223
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-26- DON : Ths Jack B3nny Program is heard by our ar~ed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Rsdio Service ..... T}E~ IS THE CBS...RADIO.., .}~TWOP~K! BB R IHO'; 0181224-
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AMERICAN TOBA0OO COMPANy LUCKY STRI~ THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM PROOEAM PS~$1SED SCRIPT SUNDAy, SEPTEmbER 23, 1951 CBS 4:00 - 4:30 PM PDT FN f~ "1,-~01 018"1225
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'Ti~ JACK I~]NNY PROGI%~[ SEPTI'~.[SEII 23, 1951 SP_E_NI NO O O~4ERC i~ L f RI¢~35: (CHANT -- 67 to 70 -- SOLD AMERICAN) SHAHBUTT: THE JACK BEAUX P~OGRAM -- presented by LUO~C{ STRIKEI (VAMP) OHORUS: He Happy -- Go Luck~ Be Happy' -- Go Lucky St~.ike Re HappyI -- Go Luck~ Go Lucky Strike today! (SHORT CLOSE) ! SHARBUTT: Friends, the enjo~'men~ of a cigarette gepends on the way it tastes -- add Luckles taste beb~r than an~ other cigarotte! Here's why...the taste of an_/~n depends on two things -- what it,s made of -- now. it's made. Now in a cigarette you'vo got to begin with fine to bscoo. That,s ~i~nt - there,s no substitote for fine tobacco -- den't l~t anybody tell ~ou oIffcrent. And LS/~T -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But that,s not all you get in a Lucky Strike. Yoo ~et unexcelled quality as well. This is why every Lucky Strike is round end f£rm without annoying iooso onds to stick to ~our llps~ It,s why Luokies a~e always fresh and smooth smoklng. Yes, ~,ou can depend on Luskies, fine tobacco and suDerioi~ workmanship to make Luckies smooth, mello~; -- bettem-tastlng f~om fi~st~-~ puff to last. TPy a cartoo -- soon. Yourll disoove~ --- Luckles taste better than any otheP cigarette. So Be HappF -- Go Lucky. (CONT 'D I~T PAGE) BB ~?~01 0'181226
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/-L 'TI{E JACK BE~I~ PRCGRAM S~]PT~,iBLP 23, I~5i CHORUS : Be Happ7 -- Go Luck~" Be Happy "- Go l,uok~ Shrike Be Happy -- Go Luckzv Go Lucky Strike todayl (LOGO CLOSE) BB fg]HO'l 0181227j
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( F~RST ROUTINE) (AFTER CO~.~OIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOk~) DON: -1- T~ LUCKY STRIKE PRC~}RAM, STARRING JACK BE~NY...WITH MA.RY I TEIt~STOE~, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, THE SPORTS~,~ QUARTET, AND "YOURS TRULY", DON WILSON. (App~JS ..... ~a~IC UP AND DO~) DON: fuND NOW, IADIES AND ~E~LE.MEN, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE ~AT I BRING YOU THE STAR OF OUR SHOW..T~ MAN WHO WAS THE "INSPIRATION FOR T~L&T BEAUTIFUL BALLAD..."TO0 YOUNG. "...AND 19...jAR JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you...Hello again, this i~ Jack Be~ny talking. And Don, that w~s a very clever introduction, so I think it's only fair that I tell the ~udience that you, too, were the inspiration for a song. DON: ~ Really? -gnat song? JACK: E~ Truly Truly Fat...Don, here it Is only the second program of the season..and a/~eady you h~to give me a sarcastic introduction. DON: Sarcastic? Jack, believe me, I didn't mean it to be. JACK: Oh, you didn't mean it to be...~¢~Ii look, Don, we hav~ a long show to do tonight, so lot'sk~ -,~ DON:w~ ~ Jack ~f I had any idea that you would mlsconst~uo what ~as ~ m~aut to be ~ compliment, I certain~y ~ould~'t have ~aid it. JACK~ Okay, okay, ~t's forget it., .And now, ladies and ge~tiemen~- FN
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-2- I wouldn't say anything to hurt you for DON: I can't forget it. the world. JAC~-: All right~ ~- DON: As a matter of fact, when I thought of that introduction, I told it to my wife. And she said, "Donald, that~eautlful. I'm so glad you're not going to say anything to make that old goat uohappy~" JACK: ~Fnat? Don, your wife called me an old goat? DON: Uell... JACK: Don, does you~ wife know about the new contract I gave you? DON:~ yes, Jack, and it's ~ot so different. I've always worked # from week to week. JACK: Uell, this yee~r you're woPking from word to ~ord. I Can fire you betwee~l L S and M F T...Now go and sit down. DON: ~.~lalt a minute, Jack. JACK: Huh? DON: If you feel that my services a~e no longer needed on this program, just say the word and I'll go. JACK: Do~, forget it..Sit down, will you~...Tadles and gentlemen, tonight ~e're golug to do a very Im~o~mt-~--0h, hello, ~s~y. ~RY: Hello, ~ack. I'm sorry I'm late. JACK:I~, That's all right. MARy: Irll tell you what happened. I was driving down Sunset Boulevard..I made a left turn from the wrong laue and a cop stopped me. JACK: No kidding..did you get a ticket? FN 19"1 ~01 0181229
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MARY: JACK: JACK: MARy: JACK: F~RY : JACK: ~%~ DON: JACK: Uell, he Was going to give me one, Oh. -3- but I talked him out of it. I told him I was e vorking glrl and ! didn't have much money ...and right now it was especially tough on me because I was sending my brother through college. JAil: Uell, did he believe that? F~RY: p~ didn't seem to, so I opened my purse to show him my G brother's picttu~e...but I was so nervous I showed him a p~ct~me of my Sister Babe instead. Oh, then you were reall~ in trouble. No, it worked. Now wait a minute, Msry. I know we kld a lot about Babe, but how oould anyone mistake her for a in~]? MARy: Nell, fortunately, when this picttu.e was taken, Babe had just come home from ~ football game and ~as still wearing her helmet. JACK: Oh..well, I imagine that broken nose helped a little too... An~;ay, Mary, I'm glad you didn't get 5 tloket...And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our featl~e attraction--- DON: I'VE GOT ~T/PRIDE, YOU~I~L JACK: Do~1, forget it. DON: i won't forget it. If I'~ not want6d on this proFge~a, i'll ]ec~e. Jack, whatls wrong ~itb D~? J It's nothing. Nothing, he sa~s..~ ~u~ter all I1ve done for him. No~ just hold it a ~Inute, Don.. ~hat have you ever done fo~ FN I~1"~01 0"181230
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DON : I'll tell you what I've done for you...I've been on this pro~re~L seventeen years..and for seventeen years I've beon e~ting and eating and stuffing myself just so you can do jokes at my expense, JACK: ~.fnat ? DON: }low many laughs would you got if I weren't a big fat slob? JACK: Don Wi]son, I've novel- cal%ed you that. DON: Hell, you've tho~ht it many a time. VARY: jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of youl, solf. JACK: Ashmued of myself? Fox what? I knew this whole thinS would be twisted a~ound where it would all be my fault. DENNIS: ~{y mother hates you, too. JACK: Dennis, this doesn't conoepn your mother and it doesn't conooPi~ yo~ 8itheP. BEI~IS[ HclIo~ M/'. Benny. JACK: ~[ello. Now th~s is Just b6tween K~n asd myself. MARY:~,%Wait & minute, J~ok. ~nat concer~s One r~ember of the e&st K contemns all of us. JACK: Look, Mary, you ¢~n keep out of this, too. DO~: /~.Valt a minute..you o~n't talk to Msmy llke that. i JACK: Oh, I can't, oh? ~[eil, let me tell you something-- P~IIL: Hold it, hold it, hold it..Stop this bickering. JACK: ~luh? PHIL: Ue've g~to stick togethol~...we'~e still in radio. JACK: Fhil, ~ whole thing is Don's fault. He not only gave me a sarcastic Introduction, but now he tells me that I owe my whole career to him...that if he didn't eat and get fat, I would have no show at all. FN
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-5- PHIL: }!ell, Jackso~J, Donzy's got a point there. JACK: ~hat? PHIL: Look what I have to do to live up to the character you gave JACK: look, Phll -- Pit[L: Do you think I like to d~,Ink? JACK: Huh? 1 P}[fL: Do you think I llke to spend my time in pool rooms 8~d cocktail bars and stegge~in~ homo at fou~ o,clock in the thi k I JACK: }~mn...I see...~Vyou mean to Say you do all thls just fo~ my p~o~am ? P}[IL: That's right. JACK: %Jell, then let me ask ~ou something...We weren't on the redie last oi~t...~how come I saw yo~ lying in the guttel~? PHIL: Rehearsal, Dad, rehesrsal. JACK: (SARCASTIC) Well Phil, in that case, I owe you an apolo~J... Is tho~e anything I can do t ake amends? ~ PHIL: JACK: We~'l~-;Fe, ~%4~-~-~e~e~-you~-eh~a@ge~.,~.~ow~look, kids, I 're listened to all you~ complaints...Don claims he stuf£~ hlmsolf at the teble so he can be fat for my proE~,am., .Phll claims he drinks a lot so he o~n remain in character jgst for my show...Well, let me tell you something...I make saorifloes too, to get laughs...Do you think it's easy for me to be stingy and chomp? (LONG PAUSE...JACK LOOKS AT AUDIENCE AND LOOKS BACK) KT ~T~O'I 0181232
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LL~R~. W~ll...this is a loyalty tsst if I evel~ heard ono. JACK: Rovel~ mind. NOW Dennls, it's tin*e for ~-our song. %Fnat are 7ou going to slog? DENNIS : "Mary Rose." JACK: Good. DENNIS: I was gonna sing "Too Young" but I didn't want to stsPt d another fight. JACK: All right, sing anything. (£PPLAUSE) (DE~IS 'S SONG - '~RY ROSE") (APn J~m%~) KT FI 1" ~0 '1 0181233
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JACI(: ~ ~lat was "Y~ry Rose" swig by Dennis Day...And now, ladles and g~ntlemen, for our--- D_;hq~l:3: ~fell, that's certainly a fln~ way to start a season. JACI(: ~*at? DEN~Z$: I just sang a song a~id you d~dn't even compliment me. JACK: IDok, Dennis, I don~t have to compllnent ~ou evemy time you eing a song. Afte~ all, you'~e getting paid, aren't you? ~N~IS: No. JACK: k~at do you mean, no? DE_N~{Is: q~]at's why I have to wear these old clothes all tac ti~. JACK: ~,at are you talking about? you've been with n~ ove~ ta~ yea~s now~ haven't you? DESPOILS: Uh huh. JACK: And after every' broadcast hsvenlt I sent you a chock? DEalINgS: ~ huh. JAOK: Well, what do you do wlth the money when you cash them? DENNIS: Oooh, cash them~ JACK: Ear,r, glve me a ............... .~,~ " " ", ~ ' ~'I~: ~Oll Jlokj I clldl~t wilt ~o illb~l~lass you Ii l"rolt of ~ver~uody= hut sllcc weire on thl eubiect, I'd llk~ to talk about the check ~ou sent ~_ last week. JACK: khat about it. MARY: It bounced. JACK: ~ourlced.~ You mean it came back marl:ed Insufficient Funds? MARy: No, Improper, Signature. JACK: My cheek? h~]y Z remember ~ it Jack Bonn}-. MART: I know, but you left off %ta~ of StaGe, Screen and Radio." RB
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~8- JACK: Oh yes, that'~ my comme~cd~ acoolnt. Now le~ s get on with ~yth~ng wrong with yo~r eheok~ ph4~-?- PHIL: No, I just show it to ~!ice, we have a good laugh, and thatls the end of it. JACK: phil..phil..Al~ce can laugh at Cleon &~Cartny's checks,.. Believe me. Now kids, let's drop all of these 8mg~u~ont~ and ,I get on w~th the program...Now ladles and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, -- ~//, (SOUND: PHO~] RINGS) JACK: FN~who oan that be? JACK: Hello? ROOH: }~LL0, ~. ~X, THIS IS ROC~TER. (~U~) JAOK~ Rochester, I'm just ~eady to do a play..;~at do you want? ROBE: ~ZLL BOOS, DON'T GZT MAD, BUT i BROE~ O~E OF YOUR GOLF CLUBS. JACK: Rochester, you had work to do. Why did you go out and p± ~ ~. golf? R0@h I D~DN'T GO OUT. I USeD "~M T~ CLEAN T~ HOUSE. JACK: Now that's ridiculous. How could you clea~ house with golf clubs ? ROCH: EA3y. 7 ~fRAPPID RAG0 A~0L~D THE DRI~LH ~PD USLD IT TO MOP T~ FLOORS. I D.ID' 5~ KITCheN ~;.L~ STROEES, THE PANTHY IN ~ I HAD TROUBI~E IN T~ HALL, BUT CO~LU{G THROUG~ THE I~PP{ I WAS THREE V~DE R pAR. BB RTHOI 0181235
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JACK: KOCH: J~ JAC~ JACK: KOCH: JACK: ROCB: JACK: KOCH: JACK: KOCH: JACK: ROCK: JACK: KOCH: O ACK: KOCH: JACK: ROCH: ( APpLA~S~ ) -94 Well, if there's any way of maklng play out of work, you'll find it. l'm surprised you d~n't try this little trick of yours in the living room. I WANTED TO, BUT ~T DUST 0N THE PIANO 18 WORSE '~N A SAND TRAP. That I know.q.Now Rochester, put awsy my golf clubs. (S~'Jvf) Rochester, honey, hang up that phono sod fat's finish thc ga~. Rochsster, who was that? ~Tf CADDY. }~... Raah~ l'll bo home in about an ho~,°, so you better have dlnner ready. YES SIR.. GOODB~. Goodbye... OH SAY, BOSS.. NoW what? ~AT CKSCK YOU GAVE FE IAST ~K T}~T HAD MY FIRST RAI$~ IN SALARY B0b~CfD. ~ for heaven's sakes, what was wrong? Improper signature? NO. Insufficient funds? NO. Thon what was wrong? T~IYJUST WOULDN'T~L~IVE IT. Oh..well, we'll have it notarized, don't worry...Coodbye. GOOOOOOOOODB~f~I (SOUND: FgCKIVT~R DOWN) BB ~9 T ;qO '| 0181236
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F. JACK: JACK: -10-. Fun~y how a ohock~ng account ca~} get so ~e~sed up. °..Now where was I? MARl': you were getting ready to start our sketch. JACI~: Oh y~s... Now ladies snd gentlemen, fo~.~e~.~o r feature attraction ton:~ght, wc'l'c going to do a dra~tIo .~k~,,,Our ve~loo of Warner Brothe~'s great te~hnicolor production...Cap~in Horatio Nornblo~r. No~, in this sketch, • ~:t~l play th~ part of 0apta~n Horatio Hornblower. ~turally.t -l-I~... Now I~ry, ~u'~e going to play th~ part that Virginia ~Ia~ play6d in the picture. ~W~,RY: Oh..Lady Barbara. JACK.' That's right..JV~l towar~is the end of ou~ ~ketch, you're dela~ious with yellow fever.., and ~hile I'm nursing you ~,~.~y: through yqur crisis, you fall madly in love wlth me...-N~w-- $1'X: ° Y !MARY: --~./~whlle I was dalorlous, you looked llko Gregory peek. JACX: Thank you.. Anyway, you're lady Barbara, ~nd you were ~ent on a sDeclel misslo~ by the Duke of Wellington, PHIL: Hey, ho's got a great orchestra. JACK: ~IAT'S DU~ ~LLINGTON: . / PHIL: Oh. -'-~ ~ , JACK: Now phil.~..you're going to be the first mate., and Don, you're going to play the part of an ~lmiral. DON: Hell, an admlral...th~t sounds real important. JACK: it ~s, Don...ar~ you're going to be one of the ~dmlrals..you have a nln~tee~ inch ~creen. BB
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! -I1- Z wouldn't be able to play that pa~t if I didn't stuff myself juat for you. JACK: -~...don't do me any favors...I'll chan~e that pa~t,. you'll just be a member of my c~ew .... And £1nslly we come to you, Dennis. ~,u[[~lS. itrs about time. ~xc31{: D~nnls, you're ~olr~ to play the part of 331 Supremo. D~DINIS: E1 Supremo? S~OK: Y~s, h~'s ~n unscrupulous, po~e~-m~d, ruthless, bloodthirsty cut-throat who'll stop 8t nothing to get ~hat he wsnts. y~i~NIS: Cee, thatls my ~g~nt. JACK: ~IoI. E1 Supremo happens to be a Spanish Robel...Now Don, set the scene for, our pla .~'Zy, ,~ DON: Okay...LADLS AND GENTL~M~N..'r0uR VERSION OF "CAPTAIN }[O~ATIO H0~BLOWER ': • (ORCI~STRA pLAYS SOFTLY "RUIF~ BRITTANIA") DON: (VERy DRAMATICAlLy) IN THE YEaR OF EI(~TEEN HUNDR~ A~ S ' ~%~,N, ALL THAT }~ZPT NAPOLEON FROM DOMINATING THE ENTI~ WORLD WAS ENGLAND'S GALL~T NAVZ~ MUSIC: UP A BIT..I~N D0~[N SOFT AS DON PAUSES A COUPLE OF SECO~S) DON: 0N~ OF ENGI~dID'B SMALI~R SHIPS WAS THE LYDIA, A ~;OODEN SA~LIN~ V~SSnU CA~Y~ ONLy ~HIN~Y-~O CA~0~... (~JSiC: OUT) DON: BUT MAKING UP FOR WHAT S~ IAC~D IN FIEE POWER, WAS T~ BRAVERy, WISDOM~ SEAMANSHIP AND DARING OF HER CORR... CAPTAIN HORATIO HORNBLOWER. BB ~INO~ 0~23~
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JACK: DI~NNIS: JACk<: DON: -IIA- ~attG ~o Naturally. Quictj Donnls...Continue, Don. BIGHT NOW..WITH ~{ AIR DEAD CAll{, THE }%N ~ OUT IN BOATS TRYING TO TO}f TfDJ L~DIA INTO A WIND. ($OD]~: Of~AKING OF I~(~ WOODEN BATTIi~JSHIP IN CALM WA~RS..WE }~AR ROWING IN ~TfTHM OF "}{gAVE") d BB A]N01 018[299
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' QUA~U : (IN P~T/THM) HI~V~.. ,FARE.. ,~AVE.,. HF~V~ (F~D~ TO B.a. ) JACK: Look at those men...Well might Napoleon fear the likes of them. They've gone without fresh fruit for a year..without breed for seven months...without water for days...and fm, sLx whole weeks they b~ven,t heard "COme On A My }louse." .... Stout fellows. i~i,,i~L: You're right, Saptain..t~tts why I'm afraid the men might mutiny...They haven.t touched land for nearly a year., .TheyVre going crazy for-the sight of a wom~n. JACK: Why? PIIPL: You wouldn't understand. JACK: I wouldn't ? DEbt!IS : Nattu~ally. JACK: Hm~*...Well hook, Men,-we---Nal, k! (S0~D: LTTTLE WIND) JACK: A breeZe, a breeze!..By the great hol,n spoon, we've whistled up a wind..Call the men back to the ship, Wilson. DON: A2e aye, sir.. (CALLB) BACK TO TP~ SHIP, MEN.~ PHIL: Look out, Wilson, dontt get too close to the edge o~ youill-- (SOUND : TERRIFIC SPI~SH) PHIL: ~,~N ~VEP~OARDI JACK: Good, good. PHIL: Look, Captain, he's Swiping for Jr..Come on, Wilson/a few more strokes and ~-C~tain ..look at that man-eatlng sha~k: JACK: Yeah..Look at that ma__~n eating that s~rk...Good man, Wilson.. Stout fellow. DON: (OFF ~<E..b~JFFLED) I'm only stuffing myself for you. JACK: Never mirA..C11mb aboard, Wilson. (SOUND: ~ IN SAn~) ATe01 018~2~0
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;. ,k~ ..... -13- PIIIL: CAPTAIN HOENBLOW~, LOOK... TH~'S A SHIP OFF THE PORTSIDE. JACK: Hm...Let me take a look at it ..... Hand me your g%ass. PHIL: Here you are, sir. JACK: Not that one, the one you look through...That,s better. DON: What does she look llke, Captain? JACK: She flies the French flag, but she,s no man of war... She,ll soon surrender...~te, fire a shot ~cross h~, bow. PHIL: ONE SHOT ACROSS THE BOW...FIRE. (SOUND: CANNON ..... AFTER COUNT OF THREF, BOWLING BPJ~ DROPPHD ON WOODEN DECK) JACK: What happened? PHIL: The wind was against us. JACK: Oh. PHIL: Shall I fire another shot, Captain? JACK: No need for that. She, running bp the white flag....Send a boat over and bring back the prisoners. I,Ii be in mg cabin. PHIL: Aye aye, sir. (TRANSITION MUSIC "RULE BRITANNIA") (SOU~D: KNOCK~G ON DOOR) JACK: C0~ IN (SOUI~D: DOOR oP~s) PH[[L : It's me, sir...I have the captain of the French ship. sir, they had a woman passenger aboard, so I brought her, too. A~d, wb R]~01 0181241
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/ JAC1<: DENN! S : JACK: PHIL: JACK: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: JACK: PHIL: JACK: MARY : -14- A woman, oh? Well, bring the captain in, I want to question Naturally. You sta>- out of this...Bring htr~ in, Mate. Come on, in with you. /~Y-~,,~. (SOUND: SCUFFLING OF FEET) F~...~g~you~ the captain of that French ship? Oui. And you sailed fpo~ the port of M~rseille? Oui. And you'r~ carrying a woman aboard? 0ui. What does the womso look like? Wow. Wov? 0ul. Weil,aI won't bother with hlm...throw him in irons...Iql question t2Le woman...Where is she? Ri~t outside, sir. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Oh, there she is...I'll talk to her. Madomolsell~...Je watltoz.. ,p~i'ioz,..avec...vous. (FRIENDLY) Hello, Captain. KT FIT ~01 018124.2
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-15- ~[ait a minute...you speak ~ngllsh. I am English (SOUND: MUTTERING OF MFS) JACK: ~hat ,s that? PHIL: Captal~1, you,d better get her ladyship below decks. The men are becoming u~ruly. JACK: All right...Don't Worry, your Ladyship...you,re safe with m~. MARY: Naturally. JACK: Thank you, your Ladyship.. ,Now just come along with -- KT R]~M01 0181243
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-16- DON : JACK: ~ACK: P}IiL: JACK: DON: JA3K: (0~1) SHIP OFF THE STARBOARD B0~;. ~at kind is she? She's a SpaDish galleoD. A galleon~ Good, that's a quart for each of u~ ~.. HAHAHA Oh, I4aX~ many brave heart% a~e asleep in the deep, but ~ou're awake ever~ ~linute. ~m~r...Last year by ~is time, he'd be gone alread~...All ri~t, Men, clear the deck~ for action. Wait, Captain, the 8panlards are putting out a small beat. yeah, ~]d look, standing in the prow is E1 Supreme...and four of his ¢~ew are rowing him this wsy..,0ne of them is rowin~ with a gulta~. FI I'XO I O 1 8 ~ 2~,,~
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QUAIIT : GUERNY : QUART: GUNNY : QUART : GUNNY : QUART : -17- LARGO TIEM P0 DF~S PUES CAGOAL H0 GA MAT~L~ NO PAPA P0 DER CUNAR SUEN ~ M0 DE FRIO SE ~KrRIA, DE FRI0 BE ~£0Rl0. LUCKY STRIKE ~ANS FINE TOBACCO QUE QUE DO DI SUM PEA RA DA Y LOC0 NO RUFF PUFF N0 pUFF EES ROUGH CORRI0 TRA DE SUA MA DA LUCKY STRIKES ARE VERy MELLOW. DE LU JU RIA YA NA FLO OUR EL SUPREM0 SAY B0W ME AROUND THF BAY WE'RE Gh~ITING LUCKIES TODAY ~01C~ A LUCKY A L0 TRIESTE DE SU SUFATE SMOKE A LUCKY QUE BIEN PRONTO DE TI/~ECOR WI~ WEESH THAT WE 00ULD GET A P~ FOR LUCKY STRIKE JUST ONE MORE TIME WE COULD SAY THAT IT IS SUBL]?4E SMOKE LUCKY STRIKE LS/MFI' MEANS FINE TOBACCO Ls/ YES, FINE TOBACCO LS/ YES, FINE TOBACCO YES, LS/MFT (APPLAUSE) A1~01 0181245
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-18- (THIRD ROUT I N.E! DON: ,2Captain, El gupremo's boat is alongside of us. (X / JACK: Y~t~, prepare to fire a salute in E1 Supremo,s honor and be ready to pipe h~m aboard. pHIL: Aye aye, sir ....... GUNS, FIRE. (SOUND: ELEV-K~ SHOTS FIRED INDIVDUALLY, BUT IN RAPID SUCCESSION) DON: COMPANY, ATTENTION IN HONOR 0F EL SUPEEMO. PHIL: PIPE HIM ABOARD. (SOUND: PIPING ABOARD...SOUNDS OF F~ CLIMBING ABOARD SHIp...P~T WALKING FEW STEPS ON WOODEN DECK) E~ENIS: (ARROGANT SPANISH MFIqCAN) ~rneech one of Eour commoners is the Capitau? JACK: I am, E1 8up~e~o. D~NNI$: When 7ou saw me approach, ~o.u fired an eleven gun salute? JACK: That's rlght....I hope ~ou liked it, D~IS: (RAVING) LI~ IT...P~G...I AM E~SULTED. oI AM EL SUPR~O.,. I AM ACCUSTOMED TO A TW~-THR~ GUN SALUTE. But E1 gupremo ...... J ~ ~-"t,~ ~ .......... ~ ' , . . f#// ~, / J" ......... z / ~b ~I'XO'I 018'12~6
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JACK: JACK : JACK : MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK : MEL: JACK : ~L : JACK : b~L : JACK: ~ZL : JACK: MEL: JACK : MEL: JACK: Y~L : JACK: MEL : TK -19- Quiet, con~cner! One so lowly as yourself does not speak direct to E1 Supremo . .. If you have anything to say, discuss it with nry prime ~nister over the~e. YCS SIT'. (SOU~D: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) Excuse mo..~.arJyou E1 Supremo,s Prime Minister? Si. ....... ~ that he holds bis prisoners for rBnsom. Si. And,the ransom ~ a thousand bushels of besns. Si. What klnd of beans? Soy. Boy? 8i. Wait a minute, haven't I seen you before? Si. Whel~? A few minutes ago I was the French Captain. The French Captain? 0ui. Oul? Si. Wait a m_~nute, this doesn,t ~ke sense,~ ~ow can ~ou be a Frenc~one minute and a ~ the next? I'm also a woodpecker. What? (%,©0DY WCODPECEER LAUGH) FI'[ HO 1 0181242
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l J JAOK : -20- Well, that does ib,/*I'm~ gonna finish this sketch/ I'm going home. MEL: (PORKY PIG) Th-th-th-thatJs all, folks. (APPLAUSE & pIAYOFF) l--~, TIi R]HO'I 0181248
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-~?1- r/ I ZOCATION) 2 JACK: Ladies and gentlemen . .. our stockpile of blood plasma ~ms been g~avely depleted by the demands of the Korea~ campaign, and it is imperative that action be taken to insure an adequate supply ready for ~mmedlate use . .. And ~l~dles~nd~ gen~ as General Ridgeway seld ... 1~very American who h~s given blood oan, and should feel he personally has contributed directly to the s~v~ig of the llfe of an ~ae~Ican boy." ....... $o, please go to the blood bank in you2 cities a~d oont2,1bute. Itls needed badly. This is an urgent request. Thank you. (APPmUS~) DON: Jack Will be back in ~ mlnute, but first -- , TE ATe01 0181249
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• T~[E JACK b~h~/ ?hC~JRAM SEPT~[BF~ 2"5, 1951 CHORUS: Be Happy -- Go Luck~J Be Happy -- Go Luck~y Strikc Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lilck~ Strike todaN! (SHORT CLOSE) SHARBUTT : OI~3H: CHORUS : BB Frlends, do ~ou know why we say t~Luckies t~ste _bgttem than any other Cigarotte"? Well, the taste of any~]Inv~ Is determined b~ two thln~ -- whst goes into it...~r,d how it's put together. This is I00 percent t~ue when it Comes to olgarettos. Just Consider %/%ese facts. Luokles &re made of fine, light mild tobacco -- better-tasting tobacco. Yes, ~/~f -- Luck~ Strike mea~s fine tobacco...and theDe,s no substitute fo~ fine tobeooo....6on't let anybody te-J.l you diffemeLJt. What's mope, this fine tobacco is cai,efully made tnbo a cigarette th~t,s unlfo~*ly round and firm...free from annoying loose ends that stick to your llps. .~.verj Lucky is always fresh a~d smooth smoking. Yes, ~ou can depond on Luckles fi~e tobccco and s uj~r[or wor}~anshiD to make Luckies t~ste bet£er t/~a~ a~y othor el~aPette! Try 8 carton soon. Be Happy -- Go Lucks Be Happy -- Go Luck~ Be Happy -'" Go LuckN Strike Be Happ~ -- Go Lucky Go L~cky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) FI1 ~0'1 0'181250
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,i ( g ~m~ -22- (~v.) (TAO) ~S -++:+.+.~ s+L ~J~+,,ml,~ ~., +.~,++++- + JACK: ~m~. +Goodnight, folks. (APPLAUSE AICD MUSIC ) i:~] ~01 01~31251
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f~ AMERICAN TOBACCO coMPANY LUCKY BTR I~'~ THE JACK BENNY PROOR~M PROGRAM #3 RLVISED SCRIPT SUNDAY, SR~TEM6EE30, 1951 CBS 4:00 - 4:30 PM PDT A~MO'I 0'181252
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TEE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUhDAY, SEPTEMB~ 30j 1951 OPENING CO~J~O]'AL RI~3S: (CHAff -- 67 to 70 -- SOLD A~ICAN) SI{A~BUTT : 0RCH : CHORUS: SHARBb~T : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -- presented by LUCKY STRIKE~ (vm~) Be Happy -- Go Luok~ Re Happy -- Go Luck~ Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike Today! (~HORT 0L0~) Friend, h~ve o~ tried a Lucky lately? If you haven,t, maybe you've been missing something because Luckles taste better than any other cigarette. Why? Well, taste in a cigarette, llke in anything else, depends on two things: What it is made of and how it is made. Now, to give a clgarette better taste there's no substitute for Plne tobacco -- don't let auybody tell you different. And, L$/MF~ -- Lucky Strike means fine tobanco! In addition, Luckies a~e quality made through and through. The fine tobacco is carefully made into a cigarette that contains no loose ends to stick to your lips -- a cigarette that is always fi~m~ mud fully packed -- easy on the draw. Yes, friends, yo~ can depend on Luokle's flne tobacco and superior Workmanship to make Luokies taste better th~n any other cigarette. Ne~ember that next time you buy cigarettes. Get a ca~,ton of Lucky Strike and Be Happy -- GO Lucky~ (CONTINU~D NEXT PAGE) ~IT ~01 0"181253
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~ ~,~,~ ,~,~,~d~,~,~,~,~ ~ ~ =. ~ . • THE JACK BEN~K PROG.~ SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30~ 1951 0PE~ING COMM~RCIAL (C01~T'D) ORCH: CHORUS: (VA~) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike todayI (LONG CLOSN) AlX01 01812S~
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~J / -1- (A/TUR CO~CIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARBING JACK BEN~"/...WITH MARY LIVIKGST01'~, p~IL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, AND '~OURS TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE,..MUSIC [~ Ah~D DOWN) Q DON: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GO 0bq~ TO JACK BENNYIS HOUSE IN ELV~LY HILLS. ITIS MORNING...A~D AT TF~ MSMF~, OUR LITTLE STAR IS SHAVING. ~ SOUhD: SHAVING) JACK: (SINGING TO HIMSELF) Be happy, go Lucky...be happy, go Lucky Strlke...be h~ppy... Well, that was a good clean shave. (SOUND: PATTING FACE) JACK: Z~ice and smooth, ~-----~m~.. ,I wonder how l'd look with a moustache...If I grew one, maybe somebody would give me ten thousand dollars to shave it off...Eh, I don't want anything to detract from my eyes...Well, now, I'll go down to the kitchen and get ~omething to eat...I hate when it.s Rochester's day off...I~have to make my own breakfast. (SOUl?D: DOOR oP~NS...FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (MUMBLES) If ther.e's anything I dread to do, it's fix my own meals...But it's either that or --- (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK: (pLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Rochester! ROCH: HUH?...OH, GOOD MORN~G, BOSS. JACK: Rochester, what &re you doing here on youm day off? ROCH: OH, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PLACE SPECIAL TO GO TODA2{, SO I THOUGHT I'D JUST STICK AROUND THE HOUSE. RIH01 01e~255
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F¸ (- JACK: -2- WEILf..You krLow...I...er...I Was Just going in the kitchen to make my own breakfest. ROC}{: GOOD, GO RIGHT AHFADI JACK: Hmm. ROCB: YOU KNOW, BOSS, I REALLY ENJOY SPENDING MY DAY OFF AT HOME. YES SIR...NOTHIN' LIE~ SITTIN' IN THIS ROCKING CHAIR READING A GOOD BOOK. JACK: Yes...yes. (SOU~O: SQUEAK, SQUEAK OF ROCKING CHAIR) JACK: Well...l guess I'll go out in the kitchen and m~<e my breakfast. (SOUND: ABOUT FIVE SLOW FOOTSTEPS) ROCH: OH, BOSS -- (SOUND: ROCKING STOPS) ~. 5s~-. + - JACK: Yes? / : ROCH: ~NYOU GET THROUGH, YOU'LL FINDTH~,DISHRAGUI~D~ TH~ SINK. JACK: Hmm. (SOUND: ROCKING CHAIR SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK) JACK: Oh, well. I wish he'd oll that rocking chair. (SOU}D: FH~; FOOTSTFBS...DOOR 0PENS...FEW FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Let ~ see now...where's the frying psn...Oh, there it is. (SOUND: FAN BEING MOVED) JACK: I wonder if there are any eggs in the Frigidaire. (S0~O: FEgFOOTSTEPS...Fd~FRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS) A T,~O 1 0181256
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-3- , JACK: Here's on__~e egg...and there's another one behind the--Oh, I always mistake that light bulb for an egg. Last week I boileo it and screwed it into the egg cup...Oh, here's a whole bowl of eggs. (SOUND: MOVEMENT OF DISH...REFRIGE~ATOR DOOR CLOSES.. FEW FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (NOT TOO HAPpy) I think I'II make 'am sunny side up. ,z (SOUND: CRACKS EGG, A~D DROP ON HOT pAN...CRACKS ANOTHER EGG, DROPS IN ROT PAN) JAOK ~ ........... (so~o: couP1~ OF FOOCST~S...TIN~LE O~DIS~ES) JACK: Gee...I hate to eat alonet...Fcr-~ to talk to. (SOUND: THR~ FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS...LIGHT SQUEAK OF ROCKING CHAIR) JACK: Oh, Rochester-- (SOUND: SQUEAK OF ROCKING CHAIR STOPS) ROCK: (SLIGHTLY OFF) YES, BOSS. JACK: Would yOU llke something to eat? ROCH: OH...I DON'T KNOW. JACK: The eggs look awfully good. RCCH: ...WELL... JACK: (COAXING) ...They're fried...Sunny side up...Makes a nice breakfast. LW ~1 )401 018125,~
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ROCH: ...WELL•-- JACK: J/', I'm sure you'll llke it. HOCH: OKAY, BRING IT IN.f JACK: I.m not ~onna brln~ it in! . ..And take off my bathrobe! ROCH: ~ Bbq~, BOSS, YOU GAVE ME THIS BATHROBE FOR CHRISTMAS. JACK: W~I_I, I want it back! ' ROCH: OKAY•..T}~ZEE MORN MONTHS A~D ITILL BE MINB AGAIN. JACK: Never mind. (SOUq~: FOCFgSTEPS...KITC}U~N DOOR OPENS..HEAVY FRYING) JACK: Oh, for. heaven sakes, while I was talking to him, my eggs burned. But I guess it's my fault. Afte~ all, it is his day off... (SOUZD: DOOR BUZZm) JACK: ...and ~f he wants to spend it Just sitting in a zDoklng ehgiP,~ / ,~?,: - /g ROCH: OH, BOSS, TF~EIS SOMEQNE AT TH~ DOOR• JACK: (MAD) I ~ee~-It, I he~r-it~ • ~~~.~ (SOUND: ~OOR BUZZER) ROCN: H~'_~S COMING, h~'5 COMI?IG! JACK: (PROJECTING) Ze~iG oan't ~ou w~t a minute? (SOUND: F00TSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) LW 8]:401 018'|258
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/ DON : JACK: JACK: JACK: rDN: JACK: DON: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: EOCH: JACK: EOCH: -% (REv) Hello, Jack. Hello, Don, come on in. (SOU~ID: DOOR CLOSES) Come on in the kitchen, Don. (SOi~iD: F~ FOOTSTEPS...KITCHEN DOOR OPENS) Sit dotal, ,What,s on your mind? q Well, Jack, the reason I dropped over w~s to tell you that ! thought of s ~ides for the program..So I took the libc~ty of asking the glrl who made that vonderful reoord, "Come On A My House" to be a guest on the show. Oh, Rosemary Clooney. nthat lq be great I'm gonna bring her over a little later so you can/~Zi ~ - (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) Exoose me~ Don. (SOUND: RECEIVER UP) Hello? Yes, he,s still here...~ust 5 minute. (SOUND: T}U~EE FOOTSTEPS..KITCHEN DOOR OPENS.. Rochester~- (SOD~D: ~QU~AK, SQUEAK, Rochester-- (SOUND: SQUEAK, SQUEAK, Whistler's Mother~ YES, BOSS! There's ~ c~ll for you..take it in the den. Y~S SIR, (SOUND: TP~REE FOOTSTEPS) WE HEAR THE ROCHER SQUF~<, SQUEAK, SQUEAX) SQUFm~, SQUEAK) SQUEAK, SQUEAK) R]~01 0181259
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JACK: No~, ~here were we, Don? DON: We were talking about Rosemary Clooney. I figured she'd be a great guest star for your program because of her popularity. You know, "Come On A My House" sold nearly ~.million records. JACK: Gee, thst's a lot, isn't it?...Amillion records. DON: And that,s a novelty song...sometlmes torch songs or b~llads sell even more. JACK: Really? DON: Certainly. ~Take a song like..er.."llke "Star Dust". Hoagy Carmichael wrote t~t one and made over two hundred thousand dollars on it. JACK: TWO hundred thousand dollars for writing one song? DON: That's right. NOW Jack, my thought in using Rosemary Clooney on our program was to have a specially ~rranged number and incorporate it into the show. ~ In that way we could also use her with dlalogue...See what I mean, Jack? JACK: (Two hundred thousand dollars for writing one song..Gee.) DO~-~: Jack, you weren,t listening. What..huh.~.what,d you sayr-4~@~2- ;~f¢~ , J" ......... ~ ~- I've got to pick up Miss Clooney. I,ll be back JACK: DON: ~3~ Never mind. later. (SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK: I can,t get over It..two hundred thousand dollars for writing one song....Imaglne. (SOUND: VACUiq~ CLFAh~ER SLIG}~LYOFF) JACK: Now wharfs that? "(SOUND: DOOR OPENS..VACUL~4 CLEANER UP) JACK: Rocheste~-- (SOUND: VACUUM STOPS) LW t~'tL~O "l O~81260
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( -7- JACK: Rochester, how oome you're oloaning tho house? ROCH: THAT PHONE CALL I GOT WAS FED~I SUSIE. B}~ WANTED ME TO GO OUT WITH HER LATER IN T}~ WEEK,..SO I THOUG~ liD WORK TODAY A~ TAE~ FRiDAy OFF, JACK: Oh good good..< .Rochester...did you kno'~ that Hoagy / Carmlchael got two hundred thousand dollars fop writing one song? ROCH: YF~H. }~ MADE ALL THAT MONEY WREN HE WROTE STARDUST. JACK: How do you like that...Two hund~ed thousand. ROCH: SAY, BOBS, WOULD YOU LINE ME TO FIX YOU A NICE BREAK~'AST? JACK: No no, not now. Rochester, if anybody calls, I'll be In the den. RCCH: OKAY. (TRANSITION MUSIC "STAR DUST") ROCH: ~LJ ..... THE HOUSE WAS PHETTy DIRTY, BUT I GOT IT ALL CLEANED UP, I WOND~ WHAT THE BOSS IS DOING IN THE DEN.. NE'S BEEN IN THERE SO LONG. (SOUND: SEVEN FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR OPENS..WE HEAR A MELODY BEING PIC~ OUT ON THE PIA~IO BY A GROPING FINGER...TO PHRASE "SO MY DARLING THOUGH WE ' VE PARTED" ) JACK: (SINGING ALONG ON SECOND TIME IT IS PLAYED) SO MY DARLING...THOUGH WE'VE PART~..*.$0 MY DARLING ... THOUGH ~'~'VE ...(HIGHER NOTE) P46~z~-...No, it's better the first way...SO MY DARLING...THOUGH WE'VE PA~I~... ROCH: WK~T ARE YOU DOING, M~. BENNY? AT~O'| 0181261
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J%CK: JACK: J~CK: J~ACK: JACK: • .Rochester, why did you interrupt me? Well, I tblnk that's -- ~nat? I'm ~eiting a song. You.. you're w~iting a song? Certainly. q You're kidding• What do ~'ou mean, I 'm writing a song. kidding?,.Song writing is a very dignified p~ofe~slon. If it wasn't, would they pay me two hundred thousand doll~rs fo~ one song? ~, wl%o'a giving ~ou two hundred thousand dollars? ,~ACK: l~ell, that's what they paid }Io&gy Car~lohael. ~ut J4~k, Hoagy gal~iohael wrote "Star Dust.'~ ~DatT~ & classic. JACK: Some classic...(M0OKINO) DA DA DA DA, DA DA, DA DA, DA DA, DA DA, DADADADADADADA....Two hundred thousand dollars for that? Now ~l've got a-- . ~" broke up wlth'hls sweetheai~t..and I~ve got the -,~ ~,~a~e~ kT~at is it? JACK: "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back To You." Isn't that beautiful? LW F] ] .,~0 '1 018 ~ 262
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J (SARCASTIC) Oh, it'll ruin "White Chr stmas." JACK: No/they're different types., .4~ It11 show you how it goos goes• ~L: (SQUA AND k~ISTLE) ,, ~ ~ ~ ~ /¥.~ . (BAGBY pLAY{ AN~TEURISN INTRODUCTION ON PIANO..THEN INTO SONG) JACK: (SINGS) WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON, ~[EN I'LL COME BACK TO YOU. WHEN YOU ASK N~ TO FORGIVE YOU..I'LL RETURN. (Now ~4a~, get this next line..~% ,~ ~'~ ~" LIKE ~ SWALLOWS AT SERRANO RETURN TO CAPISTRANO. FOR M~ Wait a minute, Jack..What ar~ the swallows doing at Serrano? JACK: I had to have a rhyme for Capistrano?.g~rrano is a little town in Italy. Well, how can the swallows come all the way from Italy back to Capist rano ? JACK: (~D) I don't know, I can't have them come from Stockton.. --~ • . r : ~A or Pismo Beach.'.I've got to make it mhy~e. / 44~ Well, why don't you have the Swallows come from Hollywood? JACK; Why Hollywood? ~4A~: Then they oa~ ~se the new freeway. LW F~'/ NO 1 0'181263
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~" JACK: , ? JACK: MEL: JACK : JACK: JACK: -lO- Oh, quiet..Now ~4~e~y, you haven't heard the last part yet.. ~-'~ listen to this.. ~-J~- -- (SINGS) IF YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE SORRY, THEN I WILL UNDERSTAND. NEATH THE HARVEST MOON, ~,IL pLEDGE OUR LOVE ANE~E~. W-'-~" , ~" ~ (Now @~a~y, here s where I'm stuck/but I'll get it.) SO MY DARLING, THOUGH'WE'VE PARTED.. COME BACK TO...CC~4E BACK TO,.. (Here's where I need a beautiful phrase) C0~ BACK TO.. (Oh, I,,,o got u S0 ~f DARLING, THOUGH ~E'VE PARTED COME BACK TO WHENCE....WE STARTED. Whence ! Yes, Whence. IT'S A LITTLE TOWN IN ITALY, (SQUAWK AND WHISTLe) It is not...It's the poe#ic form of ".Where". Now here's the finlsh,-4~Y~, f~ SO MY DARLING, ~[0UGH "~'VE PARTED, C01~ BACK TC ~LENCE WE STARTED, AND S~F~RT, THEN I.LL COME BACK TO YCOO00OOOOU. ..... W~ll ~ what do you think of my song? I have the same opinion that Polly has. Polly didn't say anything. No, but she just lald an egg. What? LW R]'~,01 0181264
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(~Y1s~) -ll- ROCH: I TH~NK THAT ~ENCE DID T~ TRICK. JACK: Listen, Rochester, when this song is on the Hit parade, (OFF) HELLO/ANYBODY UP? UP? ..... WE'RE IN ~RE, DENNIS...COME ON IN. #A, (FADING IN) ~Hello, everybody. DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: t~,Hello, Dennis .... DENNIS:Q:What're you~&÷dolng up JACK: Early? so early? DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: Yeah, it's six o'clock in the morning. Six o'clock in the moPnlng?...Dennisj it's eleven otclook. . How do you happen to be five hours behind? Last night, everybody I Pan into said "Don't forget to turn you~ ~atch back," so I did. Dennis~ it isn't six o'clock...You~re mupposed to turn your watch back one hour. Oh...Gee, now it's five o'clock. \ ~0~ 0181265
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]" (~ • JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: ,TACK: DON: JACK: ROS~4AEY: JACK: (APPLAUSE) JACK: JACK: ROSF~4ARY: JACK: DM k-, -]2- y~,, ~,~,, Mo~y, it's not bad enough this kid drives me nuts,-b~t today he's got an extPa hour to do it. ~y donlt you sing him your song ~nd get even wiLh him? yeah?....Well, let me tell you somethln ,~ -~m~--You can have your fun now, b~t~just wait (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) Excuse me. (SOUND :FOOTSTEPS) (}[J~% HIS SONG) When you say I beg ~our p~rdon...Then I'il come back to Fou...When FOU-- (SOUND: DOOR OP~S) Oh, Don. IIere I am, Jack, back again. Don, I t/%ought you were going to bring Rosemary Cloone~? I 'm Pight behind him, Jack. Well, Rosemary. A Come on in. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) It was nice of you to come over...~come on in the d®~,.. I want you to meet ll~ ~;~3~¢;%ni~..And RosemaPy, if ~4~ acts silly, don't pay any attentlon to him. you Ho won't botheP me, JaCk...afteP all, I 'm only twenty-thPee myself. Twenty-three...Gosh...Y 'm almost old enough to be your father... A],~O 1 0181266
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]' ROS~4ARY: Well, you,d certainly be a young fsther...after all, you're only thirty-nine. JACK: That's rlgat...~how did you remember? RO~]~ARY: I We been hearing it all my l~fe. JACK: Hmn~..Follow me2 2~,~,~a,~/ // ( S 0Uh~D : FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Well, hero we are. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) .......... to-^~ Rszcmary C!~ / RO~EARY: Hello, Dennts. DF~NIS: Sure and begorrah, tis llke a bit of Ould Blgrney meeting a colleen llke yourself, Miss Clooney. ROS~}ZARY: Dennis...I never knew~olou spoke with such an l~Ish Brogue. D~NNIS: ~ Tis a brogue which drips w~, ShamDocks and you'll Dot fir~ a bettel~ one this side ofxOoooty Cork. H0~MARY: Sa~, yeS'speak llke a n~tlve..do you come from Ireland? D~NIS: No, I listen to Morton Downey. JACK: You see, Rosemary, I told you, I told you. MARY: Say, Rosemary, I heard you do a song on Goy Lombardo's Lucky Strike pro~ this summer that I t/lought was wonderful..I can,t think of the name of it right now, but it-- R0~%Z~Z~.RY~ Was it "From ~ is Moment On?" ~ That's ~t~..l wish you d ao ~t on J~ sliow this ~fternoon. DON: ~ But-~, I h~d another wonderf~l idea for Rose~ry. That's why I brought her over~%o see Jack. DM F~ l~O 1 0181262
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i' f JACK." yes k~I want to hear what Den's %._idea~jj~,,~Is~ ~ ~ ~/~ ~9/., --~ ~ ~[ell Jack, hear this number, r1~sD, z,~. JACK: All r~ght...Go ahead, Rosemary, sing it. ROSF~I~RY : Okay. (APFLAUSE) (ROS~4ARY CLOONEY ,S SONG -- 'rFROM THIS MOMEN~ ON"1 (APPlaUSe) DM 0181288
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]" • S~DOND ROVfINE) JACK : JACK: DE~NNI S : JAq1 : DON : / -15- JACK: JACK: JACK : ~IARY : JACK : D~ NI S : JACK: That was wonderful, Rose ar~...simply wo~derful. Hasn.t she got a bcautlful voice, k4~ Yes, for a glrl. Well of course, for a glrl..~at man would sing like that? HoPton Downey. Now cut that out. Frankly, I don,t see any compariBon there. If Rosemary sang llke Mortoo Downey, she,d have to be a soprano. A soprano? Quick, J~22~ write it down,it rhymes with Capistr?no. ~, you nan stop being funny. ~ voIG6happeos to be more of a contralto. Tizst !s even better./.you ca~ ~VO the S~elIovs come from P~lo Alto. ~lu%t ? Theytll navel~ make it from Se~r~o All might, all right,~ let's forget my song. GOOd, good. Now Rosemary, what's this great idea Don has for ~.ou? ROST~4ARY: Well, Jack, Don wants me to do "Come On-a My House" with a special aP~&ngeraent for the Sportsmen Quartet. JACK: The gpo~tsmen? Where are the~? ROSEMARY: Behind Don. JACK: Oh. Move ove~ Don, and let me see. DON : Okay. (SOUND: POUR FOOTSTEPS) DM AIMO~ 0181269
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F¸ -16- JACK: Oh ~es...aDd gee, there's 80 orchestra back there, too .... Go ahead, Rosemary, lot's he~r it. ROSL~'uiRY: COME ON A MY ROUSE, MY HOUSE I 'M OONNA GIVE YOU CANDY COME ON A MY ROUSE, MY HOUSE I 'M OONNA GIVE YOU APPLE A PLUM, AND APRICOT, TOO. COME ON A MY ROUSE, MY HOUSE A COME ON. COME ON A MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE A COME ON. COME ON A MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE I~M GONNA GIVE yOU FIGS AND DATES AND GRAPES AND CAKES, HEY. COME ON A MY HOUSE, ~f ROUSE A COME ON COME ON A MY HOUSE, MY ROUSE A COME. ON COME ON A MY HOUSE, MY ROUSE I 'M GONNA GIVE YOU CANDY. COME ON A ~ ROUSE, MY ROUSE, I rM GONNA GIVE YOU EVERYTHING. QUART: COME 0~AMY HOUSE, ~f ROUSE I 'M GOUDA GIVE YOU LUC~EX STRIK~ C0~ ON A MY HOUSE, MY ROUSE I 'M GONNA GIVE YOU L AND-A S A~A ~MMA EFFA T...HEY! C0~ ON A MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE A COME ON. ROGKMAEY: COME ON A YOUR HOUSE, YOUR ROUSE A COME ON. QUART: C0~ ON A MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE I'M GOMEA GIVE YOU NICE A MILD A MELLOW CIGAP~ZPTE, }r~, COME ON A MY HOUSE, MY HOUSE A COME ON. (MORE) HUSh, AMY: COME ON A YOUR HOUSE, YOUR HOUSE A COME ON. DM A]H01 0181220
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-17- QUART: 005~ ON A ~Y HOUSE, NY HOUSE 1,51 GONNA GIVE YOU LUCKY STRIKE. CO~LE~ ON A MY HOUSE, MY ROUSE I'M OONNA GIVE YOU L S M, M F T.• L S M, M F T. ~C3[ 'i.1 A COME ON A yOUR HOUSE FOR LUCKY STRIKE, EH? OI4E ON A MY HOUSE, COME ON. i] ATXOJ 0181221
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f~ /- 7 -18 ( ~4! F~ ROUTINE) ~ ...... z/ JACK: Rosemary ,~ that was ~onderf~l...And Don, ~ou~ idea of using Rosemary with the Quertet was good, too...But on wh~t Drogram do you think we should do it? DEN~[IS : Naturally. JACK: Dennls.: .what does that mean? D~/~IS: I do~,t,~#,~__know,~ --it got laughs last week. JAOK: %,~ell,~ th~s is thi~ week. DON: Well, how about having Rosemary do it thi~ ~fternoon? JACK: No Don. l'd rather have Rosemary do ~. song. Afte~ all, it.s b~and new and-- (SODND: DOOR Bb~Z~ JACK: Hrc~mm..(CA~) Rooheste~', will ~/ou answer th~ door~ please? ROOIt: (SLIGIiT~ 01~') I cAN.T. JACK: ~5' not?..You're not taktng todas' off..You decided to work today, d£dnft you? i:10C/r[ : UIt HUH .,TACK: Ther~ why ~,on't you a~swer the door? ROCt~ : LINCH HOUR. JACK: Oh, e~ou~e me, exctls~ me, (S0~2~: DOOR BUZZ!~) ROOIt: I~ COMING, ttE,S cOMING. , (SOUND: ~00TSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) JACK: ~ SURpRIsED) Oh Phil..,l wS§n't expecbing you. PHIL: (CONSOLINGLY) Wellf I didn't In~end to come.., but I thought at a time like this, ~-me~-]-lq<~s-4~ friends around ~A~.-,~ / PHIL ~,, I thought you'd need all the cheering up you could get. DM f~'lHO 1 0'1812P2
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.f , -19- Oh...Well..l,hate to be throne who breaks the news to you.. b~t h~vcn'~ ~'cc zccn a.~y~cf t~~-Fe~ raising their prices to a dime. "Y~.it was in all the ~apors. I know..but who read it to ~ou? I read it myself..it was ri~t, I can handle that. Oh.. Woll,-I-ul~ run aloDg nOW and-- No, no, Phil--don't go, I'm glad you came...You might be able JACK: P][Ih: JACK: P}~L: J~.CK: pHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: to help me a little. PH~L:~/~Sure, Dad. ~q%at's your problem? JACK: Well, I wrote a song, and I'd like you to look ~t the music. PHIL: ..... The....what? JACK: M~slc..music...For heaven's s~kes, what,s on your pisno? PHIL Remle.v, we bad a pa~ty l~st ni~qt. JACK: Eemley's on your piano? PHIL: He's in pretty bad shape, we might just; put ~w~-the lid~gr.d bury him. JACK: Look Phi!, wh~ can't you just or~ce come in hePe ~nd-- (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Rochester! ROCH: STILl, ON DESSERT JACK: Well, answer it anyway..Come on Phil, the gg~ng's in the den. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) DM h] IHO I O'18 ~223
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.. k i I' f -90- PHIL:Z/, Hy'a k~ds. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) DONE Hello, Phll & D~IS JACK: Phil, this is Rosemary Clooney. ROSEMARY: Hello, Phil. JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: WELL....If you'll come CO a my house, baby, I'ii give you ~,al~ hooks, turnip greens, and bl~ck eyed pe~s from New 0rle~ns. JACK: Phll -- DEh~IS: (SINGS) ~en you say I beg your pardon, then IIIi come b~ck to ~OU.. th~J~ ~=~t~ ~/ /~" ,Z~.~!,~- ,,~/~ ~'-'~"% " PHIL: What's the matter wl kid, ~-ke-sTUET~" JACK: Dennis, put down my song. PHIL: Your song? JACK: Yes, I wrote 4~/~/i~'-~/" // PHIL: ~' L~t me take a look at them ~yrics..(MUSIC) %~nen you ssy I bog your pardon, then Illl come back to you...!4hen you ask ~o to fo~glve you, I'ii return...Oh no, no.,;.q~@~-@~ forget about-~l~-t song, Dad...The~ lyrlos don't mes~ nothln'. Oh, them donlt mean mothlnI, don't~%~e~#@- Well Phil, let me ask you something: .you,re the sole a~thor End oempose~ of a little gem cslled "That's lJh~t I Like About PHIL: JACK: PHIL: the South," ~ren't ~ou? yeah, I ~u, ote that. HOW many copies did that song sell? Oh, sbout ;~illion. DM F;TH01 0181224
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3' -21- JACK~ That's ~l] the encouragement I need...And et me tell you something, Phil..I 'm gonna have this song,Introduced by a g~eat sioge~...someone llke..llke Marlo Lanza. PHIL: Marlo Laoza ? JACK: Yes,..He'8 the greatest tenor in America. D~NNIS : Oh JACK: yeah. 4 D}i%~IS: Well, I'll take that insult from whence it came. ~- PHIL: Whence ! ~<: z JACK: You see, JAQ.~, my l~rlcs are catching on already! ,~ ~ " ~: Well J~ck, good luck on your song...I've gotta run along now. ~/ Pht], will you give me a llft home? ~ ~i PHIL: Sure. D~NIS: , , I waDt~ see the su~ise. PHIL: 1,~at ? JACK: Nothing, nothing. 92/ :l -/- ;'Y --- PHIL: Hey, Rosemary, can I drop you~eomeplace? ROS~iAEY: Yes, thanks, Phil...I 'm living at the Beverly Hills Hotel... Goodbye, Jack. JACK: Ooodbye, Rosem~Dy...and thanks so ~nuoh for oomlng ove~. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) KIDS : Goodbye. " / JACK: Goodbye, -k~ (SOUND: DOOR CL0~EB...F00TSTEPS) JACK: }~.That Rosemary Olooney..Makes a fortune singing Come On-a My House and then lives at a hotel..Well, everybody's gone.. (SOUND: SIX F00TSTEPS..AND STOP) DM 0'181225
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-22- JACK: ~ (SINGS) %~F~N ~{OU SAY, "I B]~3 yOUR PARDON".. THEN I'LL CO~ BACK TO YOU... Goe, I like that better than Star Dust. •.Lot's see, how does Sta~, Dust go.v,.~- 80METIMEB 1%~ONDER WHY I 8p~ND .... Spend?..q~..,..At lesst ~y soDg m~kes sonse .... Ifdi~ YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON THYIN I ILL COME BACK TO YOU. (APPLAUSE AND PIAYO~) DM RT,'v,01 0"~ 8 i'2 26
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-23- ~ ~oo ~i111oo pooplo have ~oo omo ~o~o lo~ to to / These ~oRle a~o in desperate need of cl used olothlog. ~o~ ~oo~ ~o~ ~ ~o~_i~o~' [nfo~flat~~ DON: Jack will be back in N a moment, but fi~st .... DM A]NO ~ 0'181277
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C ! (TAO) lqIIhl (REViSe) -e5- ~a~ke~. o£~f r ui~,~o~, a.box~ ~f~e a~}y.~..~hT~i~,k~w~ . - JACK: ~ea~h~ .... GOodnight "F~..... ~w~t//'~/ # (APP~USE AND ~US~C]. / (' DON: Th Jack Benny Program is heard by ou~ armed forces overseas through the faoilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service .... Stay tuned fo~ the Amos 'n' Andy Show which follows immediately... ,THIS IS-~C,B.S. ~ ~/~- ~:~"~'"~"~- RADIO NETWORK. RIM01 0181228R
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CI/3SING C OI~3IAL OROH : (VAMP) CHORUS : Be Happ~- -- Go l,uck~ Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be H~ppy -- Go Lucky GO Lucky Strike today! SHARBUTT : ORCH: CHORUS: (SHORT CLOSE) Friends, this statement - l,uck[es taste better than any other c~ga~ette - is based on u~questiooable facts. You see, the taste of an t~depeods on two things: What it's made of -- add how it's made. First, you have to use a truly fine, light tobacco to make a bette~ tasting cigarette. That's ~Ight - therets no substitute for fine tobacco - don't let anybody tell you different. And, LS/~T -- Lucky Strlke ~]eans fine tobacco. ~econd, in the ~aklng of Luokies this fine tobacco is carefull~ made into a clgarette that you can depend oD. A cigarette that.s a]ways So ~ound, so firm, so easy on the draw. Yes, ~ou csn depend on Luckles' fine tobacco add soperioP wo~}~nanship to give you 811 the ~ich, true bette~ tast% you want iD your clgar~tte. So, if ~ou haven tt tried a Lucky lately, pick up a carton soon. You'll find out it's true --Luckies taste better than an~ other clga~ette, yes, Be Happy -- Go Lucks! (vAMP) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be l{~ppy -- Go Luok~ Strike Be Hsppy -- Go Luck7 Go Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) DM F;IMO l 018 12?8
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---
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PROGRAM #4 REVIS~ SCRIPT LUCI~ STELE d THE JACK BENNY pROGRAM S[%VDAY~ OCTOBER 7, 1951 CBS ~:00-~:30 PM PST P, ]':40 ? 0181280
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f f T~ JACK HF~Y PROGRAM OCTOBRR 7, 1951 OPENING COMMERCIAL RYGGS: (CHANT -- 67 to 7o -- SOLD AM}~ICAN) SHARBUTT: THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -- presented by LUCKY STRIE~ o cH: (VAMP) CHORUS: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (SHORT CLOSE) SHARBb~T: Friends, we say, "Luckies taste better than any other cigarette": - And here's why we make that statement. The taste of ~ depends on two things - what it's made of and how it's put together. Now, to get better taste in a cigarette, you must begin with fine tobacco. Thatls right, there.s no substitute for fine tobacco... don't let anybody tell you different, and - LS/MFT - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. In addition, Luckies are made better. They're always round and fi~m with no loose ends.., always fresh and smooth smoking. Yes, you can depend on Luckies' fine tobacco and superior work~anshlp to make every single Lucky Strike a far better-tasting cigarette -- mellow, deeply enjoyable. So, if you haven.t triad a Lucky lately, pick up & ca~'ton today. You'll discover - Luckies taste better than any other clg~rettel Be Happy -- Go LuckyX wb RIHO1 0"181281
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THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM OCTOB~ 7, 1951 OP~ING co~z~cm~ (co~',q) (VA~ > CHORUS: Be happ7 -- Go Lucky Be happy -- Go Lucky StriMe Be hsppy -- Go Lucky ~ Go Luok~ Strike today~ (LONG CLOSE) , • JS £]N01 0181282
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( vIsND) iEIBST RO I ) ""-" (A~TEE CoMM~ROIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THE LUCKY ~I~YKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROOHF~T~R, D~TNIS DAY, AND '~OURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: ~, LADIES AND GF~¢I~EMEN, ~F~TERDAY JACK B~Y ItNIT~ HIS WHOLE GANG OVER TO HIS HOUSE TO WATCH THE WORLD S~IES ON TH~JEVISION...SO L~T~S GO BACK TO YF~T~IDAY AND OUT TO JACK'S HOME IN BEVERLY HILLS...AT THE MOMEh~ HOCH~STUR IS ARRANGING THE ROOM. ROCH: W~L, I'VE GOT AlL THE CHAIRs IN FRONT OF THE B~T...NOW LET'S SEE...ItVE GOT PLenTY OF COLD DRINKS...ENOUGH CIGARETTES... ENOUGH POPCORN...AND ENOUGH CHANGE...IF IT'S A LONG GAME, W~-~' MIGNT BE ABLE TO PUSH THE SANDWICHES...HEE ~EE HEE HEE...THE BOSS SURE GUESSED WRONG THIS YEAR. HE GOT STUCK WITH ALL THOSE BROOKLYN PENNAh~S...WELL, I GUESS EVerYTHING IS ABOL~-- DOOR BUZZER) ROCH: (SOUND: COMING-- (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) ~J~Y : Hello, Rochestem. ROCH: OH, HELLO, MISS LIVINGSTONE, COME ON IN. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) ROOM: ~E MISSED YOU IAST WE~. HOW IS YOUR COLD? ~L%RY: ~ }4uch better, thanks...Whe~,e.s Mr. Benny? ROCK: HE ISN'T HOME, BUT HEILL BE BACK SOON. HE JUST WE~T DOWN TO THE MUSIC PUBLISHER. ~[&RY: Oh, then I'II sit down and -- He went where? BOCH: OH, YOU WERENIT HERE LAST WEEK, MR. Bg~NY WROTE A SONG. R ]-HO! 0181283
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~" ROCH: NO, MA AM. -vgB~ ............. ...... OVER T}~RE ON T~ PIANO. MARY: This l'v~ got to s~e. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...RUSTI~ OF PAPEr{) (READING TO HERSELF) %~en You Say I Eeg Your Pardon, Then I~Ii Come Back To you"...words and music by Jack Benny. (BAGBY PLAY~- b~LODY WITH ONE FINO~) >~y: (TALK-SING~ THE LYRIO) When ~ou say I beg jour pardon, then : I~11 come back to ~ou -- when~u ask me to foPglve you, I'll --- (STOPS) Oh, no no.4.thls is awful. kOCH: I DON'T KNOW, MISS LIVINGSTOh~...AS FOR ME. MR BENNY'S SONG HAS MADE I/FE JUST A LITTLE MORE ENJOYABLE. ~,I~Y: How do yes mean? ROCH: Tf~/~E }'ASN'T B E~A FLY IN THE HOUSE SINCE RE WROTg ITI ~L~EY: (LAUGHINGLY) ~ That I can be]ieve. (SOUND: IX~OR OPENS) Y~%RY: ~ I wonder wha~ inspired him to sit down and write a --- JACK: (SLIGHTLY OFF)~ ROC~STER --- HOCH: ,~ IN HERE, BOSS, N T}~ DEN. JACK: (FADING IN) ~Roche~er, I had a long talk with ~he publisher - - MarN ~'~Y: Hello, Jack...Say, Jack, I was jus~ looking ovem that song ~ou wpote o JACK: Mary, just looking at ~t is nothing. You've got to heap it. it's beautiful• .Come over here to the piano, Mary...Now get this. k ~ ]NO'I 018"1284
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.- ~L: /, IAOK: M~RY: J%CK: F~RY: ~ACK: k~-Cf: JACK: JACK: J~CK: BOCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: Quiet, Po]ly...?~ow ]Ist~n/Mer~--- (SINCS) V.~.~N YOU SAY I ~EG YOUR pAHDON, TI~N I'LL OOY~ ~DK TO YOU. C~~ ~ou ASK ~m TO YOI~OIVE YOU, I'I~TO~. )~5l- ~ ~ ~,~ .~.~. ~ J LIKE T~_//SW~ ~[LC~';S AT SER~NO, RETUP~J TO CAPISTRANO, FOR YOU Wait a minor3, Jack, hold it. HUb? ~t are the swallows doiiig in Serrano? (~I)) Oh for heaven's sakes...~veryhody picks on ~hat s~me line and it's beautiful...Mary, when the ~,~allows ~,ome b~ck ~apistrano, they've got to come from ~ome place. Why do the~ h~vo to oom~ frem Serr'a~o? Where do ~ou Want thes~ t~ Come from, the Msy CompanF? (IAUOHINOLY) I can get you ten percent off. O~ stop it. g.Sorrano is a romantic little town in italy, acd it rhymes wi h Caplstrano. But h~-z~: c;-;ai!c:-~ fly all the way from Italy t~~ Caplutraoo? ~Tri..ity 6~-9~-..--~,~'~.Ceav~ me alone .... i tr.;" tz :-::.it: :... ~/~ "~" .... SAY BOSS, I'M LOOKING AT ~ ~&P }ND I'VE G(YI' C~)OD NE~S FOR YOU. Oood news? h~J{...THAT LINE YOU'VE GOT ABOUT TI~ SWALLOWS l~l~Y WORK AF~ER ALL. ~lhat do yok~ mean? ~1 )<0~ 0181285
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~" ~OCH: TACK: :~OCH: -4- WELl,, L(XIK AT THE MAP. CEI~A~IO I~ RIGHT ~AH HILIN,..AID MILtoN IS JUST A SHO~T DISTANCE F~OM VENfCE. Well, what about Ito VENICE IS NEAR SAN±'#- MONICA, AND FROM SANTA MOEICA, I "e~ FLY, TO CAPI~T~ANOI JACK: Never mind...~ow Mar~, don't be so critical tl]l you hear the rest of my song..Listen to this...N~w "~bcrc was l...Oh, yes d- M3L: ( SQUA~ } JACK: Quiet, i-olly. (PIANO FLAYS WITH JACK) JAOK: ~T~N YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE SORRY, TKEN I WJLL L.~DER3TANO NEATH T}~ HARVEST MOON ~E'LL PLEDb~ OUR LOVE Ah~A' SO ~?f DARLING, THO WEIVE FARTED COME BACK TO...W}~CE...~ STARTED. MARY: WHENCE I JACK: Yes, Whonoe...That~s a poetic word for~ Wng.~.~Wh re. tc s~l~"li,ngcric a,t~ ~,uSc~ ;;,hsnca. JACK: Mary, don't be funny... MARy: Well Jack, let me ask you something...Why did you wants writ~ this song, anyway? JACK: I'll tell you why. Did you ever hea~, a song called Sta~'dust? MARy: Certainly. JACK: Well, Hoagy Carmlchael w~ote it 8nd m~de t~,o hu=dred thousand dollars? MARy: And ~ou think your song is as good as Starous~? ~]H01 0181286
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JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: DON: ]~NNIS~ JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: DEh~I3: DON: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: Bet¢9~.,..What'}j:"hat.! -~ry, purse? I thought cure I had a ~n in here. Oh yeah..~ell, let ms tell ~ou some&hlng...V~en my ~ong is a hi~: yodtll -- DOOR DUZZ~R ) (SOUHD: 60!,~ zN. (SOt~D: WDy al~e you looKJng in youF DOCR OPENS) When my song is a hit~-~-- Hello, kids. Hello, everybody. 0h...L~on, Dennis..oome on in. Hello, Pmyy...glad you'r~ foellng better. Tl*an~ yo~, Don. Dennis, Why are you ~& standing there with your finger in your mouth? Oh J~ck_Dennis has something to ask you and he's afraid to. d.Oo ~bead, Dennis, a~k him. ...Well --- Cume on, Deunls, what is it? .... W~II --- Dennis, you'll never get anywhere in this wol.ld if yo~ fionlt speak up. Now, go ahead sDd ~sk him, Well...all right. L. ~- - Why don't yo1~ give Don a raise? ~hy don't I gzv~ -- Don....Don, if you ~ant a raise, why don't you ask for Jt youl.self~ AI'~OI O18 |287
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DON: JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: JACK: DE~{IS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK; DENNIS: Because if I did, youtd tuz.n me down. And when you turn me down, I g~t mad...and then you get mad and start oalllng me nsmes..and If you called me namesj my pride would make me Quit the show. Oh, it would, eh?...Well, I'll call your bluff, Don. You got Dennis to ask ale to give you a raise a~d ~ turned DOnLIis down. What have you got to say about that? cWel~., if he wants to quit, that's up t~ him. thought so...Now, Dennis, don~t go around talking for other people...slt down and behave youmself..and WhO~ everybody gets here, we'll all watch the World Series. ~You can watch it, but I Wonrt be here. What? If you won't give Don a raise, X'm quitting. Dennis -- Goodbye~ (SOUND: DOOR SLA S) Ohj for heaven sak@s~ (SOUND: DOOR OPEN~) Denois, Dennis, wait a minute. (OFF) Yeah? Now, donlt be silly and oom@ in the house. It's too late now, Ifm goIDg, Dennis ...Listen --- .... Well --- Well what? If you say I beg youl, pardon, then I'ii come back to you. £1X01 0181288
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JACK: C DENNIS: DFNNI~: JACK: DON: J~CK: DON: JACK: M~L: JACK: DON: ,TACK: 14El,: .TACK: I.~L: JACK: MEL: JACK: -7- Now cut that o,,tl .... Telling my song title out on the street., Do you want somebody tc steal it? Not~ come back in the house and let m~ hear the song you'~e goona do o~ the program. (OFF) Okay. (SOUND: ~W FOOTSTEPS) 41ooks like !'m gonna get you Four raise, Don. You're not getting him anything...And Dons if I hear one more ~Jord out of you about a raise, l'm gonna put y~u ri~t off the show. you can't frighten me...If I leave, wbo are you gonna g6t to replace me? I've been waiting for tba~..So I can't ~eplace you, oh? NO. No~I, Just be quiet till I throw this cue..L5, M F T... LS, M FT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco (SQUA~.~ AI~D WHISTLE) That's right, Polly. Jack, tbls is ridiculous. Oh, it is, eh?...Polly, how do you g~t better taste in e clgarette? You must begin with fine tobacco." ~--/~ That's right. There's no substitute for ftce tobacco. And don't let anyone tell you different. (SQUAWK ~/~D Uh huh, and that's why Luckies are so ~4~. ~fromrthe rock-hound coast of .~alne to the sunny shores of.,.of.... Comb on, Polly...To the sunny shores of...of... R]'XO 1 0"18"1289
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NEL: JACK: ~ L: JACK: ~iEL: JACI~: DON: JACK: ROCH: JACK: DON: JACK: -8- Serf&no. No..of California. (8QUA~I ASR) WHISTLE) Then Polly,-a~ I say "So pick up a carton today...You'll s~'ee...Luckies taste better than any other cigarette"... (SINCe) Be happy, 0o Lucky Be Happy, Go Lucky Strike... (SQUAWK AND WHISTLE) That's right, Polly, and stop dancing, save tha$ for television, ...There you are, Don, ge~ ~'~1% ~ 11ttln ~o~ied~ Well -- Oh, Rochester. YES, BOSS. Put some more whipped cream on Polly's c~acker. ~hlpped cream on Polly's cracker? I'm fattening he~, up, too...So watch it, big boy...Now n .,~k. ~'_~Z~,~- - De nls, you j~st hearO Polly slng.~.~o m~ you ready to do g your song? DENNIS: Naturally. JACK: Well, go ahead. (APPLAUSE) (DENNISIS SONG..~I GET IDEAS") (APPLAUSE) FIT:401 0181290
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(SECOND ROU~INg JACK: (- -9- JACK: DErmIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: ~/ThYatwas very good, Dennis, very good...And Dennis, on nex~ week's show, I want you to sing the song I wrote. Well, ge¢, Mr. Benny, I'd love to, bat I don't think it's the right type of song for me. Why, what's the matter with it? it's lousy. Dennls...you...you think my song is loasy? That is my considered opinion. 6%11, I donl% care what ~o~' opinion is...Look, Dennis, / i ask is one little ~ "-" all (SOUND: JACK: COMING. (SOUND: JACK: Oh, Phil. DOOR BUZZER) FOOTSTEPS...DOOR 0P~S) PIOIL: JACK: PFJL: JACK: PNTL~ JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: Hya, Jackson. ~IIm all ready to watch the game..where can i Dut this sack? I don't know...gee, that's a big sac~.¢.Just set it there in the corner...What"s in it, Phil? Money. Money? Yeah, Alice thought as long as I was coming over to Beverly Hills, I might as well collect the rents. Gee. By the way, Jackson, I took a copy of your song you gave me down to my rehearsal. yes? Well, my musiolans played it, and the~ liked .+i R1"%01 0181291
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JACK: -!0- 0~ .~, %'Joll that'~ no~ ~onna discoura~ me! . ~/ ~/ Now wait a minute, D~Itri...~ all my ~uslciaos ~ - . iI ~f JACK: Ciaesxcal music?n Why/did S~mmy give it up? Y He d~dn't hink he was t_h~ type to be a long-heir muslci~n. JACK: ~ Well,pI wouldn't thi~k so either..Sammy s heaa always looks like ~e~ should put bab~ powder on it...You kn~w, ~.f he just had a little -- (SOUND: PHO~ RINGS) Phil, go in the den with the other kids while I answer the phone. PHIL: Okay. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OFENS -~ CLOSES .... PHONE RINGS...RECF.IVER U~ ) Hello? ~el!o, Hr. Benny. Why, bit, Kitzel. ( APP~CI,OB: ) JACK:~I~ Iti~ nice to hear from yoLi, b~'. Kitzel...How have you be~B? ARTXE: Well...the healthiest man in the WOlqd Jim not...and the siokest man in the world Itm not...so oomplalning I'm also not. j .... JACK: Go,,d good..Well Mr. Kitzel,~I ~dp~ose you're getting ready to watch the )Vorld Series on television. ARTIE: y~s. ~sB~%--i~ a shame, Mr. Belmy, they dldnlt h~ve television years ago, to see those good old games. JACK: ~, you lifo the old timers, eh? JACK: ~-RTIE: JACK: t~ 1"~¢01 0181292
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-I1- ARTIE: 4 ~hat ~ll player.s..Christy ~iatneson. Trls Spe~er...Rog®r ,~ tIornsby..Ty Cohetl. JACK: Mr. Kitzel, that's Ty Cobb. A/iTIE: He was good, too. JACK: yes, h~ certainly was. ~ ARTIE: Well I,~. Benny, I don't-waa~ to keep you from watching the game, but the reason I called Was beoaase i wanted to invite you to a little party next Thu~,sday nJgbt...~*J ~ou make it? 0ACK: Thursday night? I think I can make it...Is it any special occasion? ARTIE; yes..it's a party for my ~Ife's brother from ~e~v York. JACK: Oh, i~ he'~v~ to visit you?, A~TIE: Six years ago. -~ leaving. JACK: 0h...0h...I see what you meas. /~T~: It's obvious. JACK: Well, evidently you donrt like your brother-in-law. ARTIE: Nor his sister, either. JACK: Why, |~r. Kitzel, how can you say that about Four ~Ife? ARTIE~ I'm in a phone booth. JACK: Oh...0h...~ell all right, My. Kitzel, i'll come over CO your house Thursday night, and thanks for the invitation. Shall ARTIE; 14~/-F~T but plea%e, this time don't bring your violin. JACK: I won't, i won't. Goodbye, Mr. Kifizel. ARTIE : Goodbye. (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN...FOOTSTEPS..DO0~ OPENSI AI~01 0"181293
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g -12- JACK: Hey kids, you shoulda had the television set on. The game's already started...Tune it in, Rochester. ROCH: YES SIR. (SOU~: CLICK) JACK: Come on, everybody...sit down. (SOUND: SC~\FING OF CHAIRS) JACK: I~ochestcr, I bold you to turn on the television set. BOSH: I D]JD...IT DOESN'T SEEM TO WORK. ~ JACK: Well, what can be wrong...the light bill is paid, is[]~% it? ROCH: YEAH, DONIT YOU RE~ER, YOU SEI~Lk~ OUT OF COURT. JACK. Well, come on...find oat ?Jhat~s wren with it. DO~: ~-This is awful, .... o ..... ]7 aaea~g. JACK: Rochester, can't you fix it? ROCH: I'M DOING T~ BEST II C~N, BOBS. ~L~/RY: Welre wasting ti~e~j'can listen to the game On the radio. JACK: Thatls right,~'lill turn it Ch.e..By ~he way, kids, iflls g~-waa~-4~..would anybody like a Gold drink. M~Y: No thanks. DE~IS: No. DON: Not me. PHIL:I--4cn't ........... ~ ~ " JACK: }~nm. (SOUND: ESCAPING STEAM) MARy: Rochester, what are you doins'! ROCH: I'M TURNING ON T}~ HE~.T. /,., "x', J~K. Never mind that. Fix the television set. We-14:, I'll tulJe in the radio now. (SOUND: CLICK...STATIC WHISTLES) £7~01 0181294
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EEARNS : < -13- (FILTR2) SO TT£~ IN NEFT WEEK When OUR SUPF~ J~CKPOT PRI~; GOES UP TO A 9DUE CARAT D~40~[O RING, TNO WE~ IN HONOLULU, ALL N~q FURNITURE ~OR yoUR HOM~...AND .... (BA~) GIVES FANFARE OR TRUMPETS AND DRUM ROLL3) KEARNS: A HALF POUND OF GROUND ROi~D. JACK: Gee.,. ~R~RY: Thatls not it, tr~ a:1otber station. (SOUND: STATIC SQUE2,1S) SARA: (SINGING WITH pIANO) T}~Y TRY TO TELL US WE'RE TOO YOURG, TOO YOUNG TO REALLY BE IN LOVE, T~Y SAY THAT LgVE'S -- JACK: Isn't that awful? Wh~re's the ball game? ~/ (SOUND: STATIC SQTJK~LS) ~/~"~ " ~L: --- A LONG LONG FLY...YES, A LONG LONG ELY .... JACK: (EXCI~) Thatls it, that's it. ~L: IF YOU HA~E THE l~N~ O~S IN YOUR HONSE, CAT~ T~ HOLLYWOOD EXTERg~NATORS. JACK: Oh for hsavenTs sakes...I thought that was the game...Maybe the statlo~ is back here. (SOUND: STATIC SQUEALS) SARA: (SINGING) A~D ,VET WE'RE NOT TO YOUNG TO KNOW OUR LOV~ WILL LAST THOUGH k~ARS MAY GO -- JACK: ~That's mu~sr~ (SOUND: STATIC SQUF~L5 AND WHISTLES) KEANS: SO LOOK SHARP, (GONG) F~NL SHARP,(GONG) BE SHARP. (GONGI R]X01 0181295
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./ -14- DON: That:s it, thaL's it. KEARNS: AND NOW BACK TO YOVR WORLD SERIES ANNOUNCER. N~LSON: WELLLLLLLL. THAT WAS AN EXCITING INNING. JACK: ~ Quiet, everybody...~4e@e*~- ~4~ .~ ~ ~/~/ .... h~LSON: NOW IT'S THE TOP HALF OF THE Fi~lrH..THE GIANTS ARE UP,..TWO h~LSON: JACK: ~EI~ON: NELSON: JACK: HOCM: NETSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: MEN ARE OUT AND ALVIN DARK IS AT BAT...AS YOU KNOW, VIC RISCHI 18 PITCHING FOR ~ YANKEES..NDER,S THE WINDUP...THE PITCH .... n (SOUIT~. DALL IN C[nvs) BALL ONE. Gee, I'm glad we got the game. P~ASCIII WI~]S UP AGAIN.TI~REIS THE PITCH...(NOW THERE IS A LONG, LONG PAUSE OF COMPLETE SILENCE...WHILE JACK LOOKS AT AUDIENCE AND BACK) ~--~.TL ~I 9T~VF) Strike. Raschi has a wonderful slow ball. I ~ould have loved to have seen that one on telovision... Rochester, hurry and fix the setj~- I'M WORKING ON IT, BOSS. }~NE'S TEN NEXT PITCH... (SOUND: CRACK OF BAT ON BALL...CRO%~D CHEERS) IT'S A HIGH FLY...DI~GGIO IS COMING IN...~'S UNDER IT... T~S IT RETIRING T}~ SIDE...THE YANKEES ARE COMING IN FOR THEIR TURN AT BAT, AYD NOW TROTTING OUT ON~I*HE FIELD AF~ THE BROOklYN DODGERS. The Dodgers? THEY STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT~ FllMO1 018'1296
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~ELSO}h ( JACK: NEL$ON: NELbCN: NELSON: JACK: ROCK: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: -15- THE U~tPIRE IS MOTIONING THEM B~0FF THE FIELD AND NOW THE GIAN£S COME OUT...THE GIANTS HA%~ SOME W0~)ERFUL DEFENSIVE PLAYERS...THERE'S LOCKMAN AT FIRST BASE..HE'S GP~T AT STOPPING GROUNDERS..}~ CAME TO THE GIANTS FROM THE SAN FRANCISCO SEAL5...THON~SON IS IN RIGHT FIELD...HE'S DEATH ON LONG FLIES...HE CAME FROM THE HOLLYWOOD EXTERMINATORS. Gee, I thought they ~ called~hh~ Hollywood Stars. AND NOW JIM HEAHN IS READy TO PITCH TO THE FIRST BATTER... GEHE W00DLING..HE WI~I5 UP...THI~E'S THE PITCH... (SOUND: CRACK OF BAT AGAINST BALL...CROWD CHEERS) IT'~ A HIT...IT'S IN THERE FOR A SINGLE A~ WOODLING IS ON FIRST#..NOW H~ZUTO IS AT BAT...HEARN WINDS UP..}~RE'S THE PITCH. (SOUND: BAT AGAINST BAI~...C}~ERS) THERE GOES WOODLING FOR SECOND AND -- NO,IT'S A FOUL BALL.. AND WOODLING GOES BACK TO FIRST BASE FROM W]{gNCE HE STARTEg. Hey kids, h8 said Whence. (SOUND: BUZZING HUM) BOSS, BOSS...I GOT ~ SET FIXED. Sood..tu~n off the radio, Don, I'll tuns in the television. (SOUND: CLICK) Now let's see...I think it's on this channel. (SOUND: CLICK~..THEN WE ]~AR HORSES HOOVES RIDING... AND A PISTOL SHOT) Oh, it's a cowboy movle...I'll try this ohanoe]~ ~ (SOUND: CLICK,..HORSES HOOVES..PISTOL SHOT) Anothe~ one...Maybe it's CO this channel. (SOUND; CLICK) 81M01 018129P
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~ SARA:¸ JACK: SARA: SARA: JACK: [{OOH: JACK: JACK: MARy: JACK: KEARNS: JACK: DON: JACK: MARy: JACK: (SINGING) AhD Z~l WE'F~ NOT TOO YOUNG TO ENOW OUR LOlrE WII~LAST THO YEAR~ ~YO0. Oh no~ not on t~l~vieion, too. (SINGS) ~/~DTHEN SOMEDAY T~YMAy RECAIL -- (SOUND: AS SKE SINGS WE HEAR HORSES HOOVES AND A PISTOL SHOT) Good old~goppy...Where's the ball game? I THINE IT'D ON TP~ NEXT CHANN~Lj BOSS. Okay. (SOUND: CLICK) There it is. Gee, thatls a clear picture, isn't it, Jack? Yeah...yeah...quiet now. As you can see, the Giants have the bases loaded and the Yaokee8 have called Time Out...F~anwhile, we'll let the camera rove over this huge cro~d out here and mayoe we can see so~e oelebrlties..There are a lot of old-time baseball players here at thi~ gsme...The~.els Pepper Martln...Due~%~ Ecdwick...Dizzy Dean....and Ty~. What do you knoN, there was a~player by ~h~t name, Gee, it's amazing, getting such e cleaP pictare all ~he ~ay from Ne~ York. Yeah, you can see ewryone there so olea~ly and -- Say Ma~y. Mary...Look, there's ~eu~ sdsfie1' Babe. Say! It is Babe and she's -- Oh no, it's Yogi Berra. Oh yes....well, they certainly walk the same ..... RTH01 0181298
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M~RY: JACK: KEANNS : JACK: JACK: ROCH: DON : JACK: SARA: JACK: NEI%ON: JACK: NELSON: -17- 4 Time is back in again., .Bases are loaded...Everything is very tense here...th~re hasn't been such a dramatic moment since the last game of the Dodger-Gi n Playoff...When Leo DurocheP walked over to the ~ andJsang,.. "When you say I Beg Youm £a*~on, then I'll come back to you." Jack, that's your song. Yeah, I wonde~ how he -- As you all know, this is the title of the song that was written by Jack Boon3' add introduced last week co hl8 Padio ~rogram ~d it Stanky. Yes, it's Stanky coming up to bat. -~, I'ii bet he did that on purpose. (SOUND: BUZZING TI~N PINGING POP) What happened? Rochester, I thought you 8ald you fixed the set, WELL, I }~D IT WORKING...IT JUST WENT 0~ AGAIN. Well..turn the radio back on again...let~s find ou~ what's Okay~..l'll tu~,n it on..I know where the station is Dew, (SOUND: CLICK...STATIC WHISTLE) (SINSS) AND YET, WE'RE NOT TOO YOUNG TO KNOW THIS LOVE WILL LAST ~- ~ / j //~ ~.~g~.~ O~station's around here somewhere. (SOLq~D: STATIC WHISTLE) ...2,~KINU THE COUNT q~VO AND TWO. That's it, that's it. WELLLL, I kne~'I you'd be beck. FI']'~O 1 0181299
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~f JACK: (h BOCH: NELSON: JACK: ROCH: JACK: NEL%ON: E~APd~S : NELSON: JACK: ROCH: JACK: (APPLAUSE Why do they always have that crazy announcer? get that television set fixed. I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING. -18- Rochester, Now Monte Irvln steps into ths batter,s box...There,s one out and basss are loaded. How can the bases be loaded? %~. ~4,~ A~v,il T~ TELEVISION'S WORKING AGAIN, BOSS. Good good.~.and leave the radio on, too. Ye~..Monte IPvln is up, with two out and nobody on. What are you talking about? It's two out aod nobody on. l_j~xsay ~.it's one out~dthe ba~es~,~ a~e~ loaded. That's funny. I thought it was two out You keep out of this. What? HERE YOU ARE, FOLE~...PE~;UTS, POPCORN, COCA COLA AND BROOKLYN PENNANTS. OH DARN IT...TURNEVERTI~}~NG OFF,..I~LLREADABOL~ TRK ~%F~ IN TONIG~f'S PAPER. AND PLAYOFF) F~ 1" 1,40 'I 0~8"1300
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DON : ,/ -19- L&dios and ge~blemen, Jast yemr almost thirty million eGreJ of timberland wore d~stroyed by flres,.,fires that started bncause someone was cameless! Th~nk before you leave a camp fire..thlnk before you toss away a lighted match or cigarette. Be sure not a single spark remains to start~ devastating forest fire that can destroy the timberland so urgently needed in our countryls defense effort. Rem3mb~r~ forest fires can be prevented...but only you can prevent them. Thaok you. DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, bu~ first ..... fg] ~{0 1 0'181301
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TP~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM OCTOB~q 7, 1951 CLOSING C0~E~CIAL 9RCH: (V~) CHORUS: Be Happy -- Go Luok~ Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky S}5~BLPl~ : 0RCH: CHORL~3: GO LuckydStrlke todayJ (SHORT CLOSE) Friends, the taste of any product depends on two things: The quality of what goes into it and how well It's made. Now to get ~ bette~ tasting smoke, you must start with fine tobacco. That,s right, there's no substitute for fine tobacco, don,t let anybody tell you different. And -- LS/MFT - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. But that,s not all you get in Luckies. You get a better made cigarette .... always round and flrm with no loose ends to stlok to your llps ... always fresh and smooth smoking. Yes, you can depend on Luckles' fine tobacco and workmanshi~to give you a cigarette that's always mild, smooth - the best tasting cigarette you've ever smoked! So, if you haven't tried ~ Lucky lately, pickup a carton soon. You'll find that Luckles taste better than any other cigarette! Yes, Be Happy - GO Lucky! (v m) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) AIM01 0181302
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(-rAO)- JACK: ROOH: JACK: ROCM: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: SARA: JACK: (APPLAUSE -20- (TI~REESNORES) BOSS...BOSS. (SNORES) BOSS, WAKE UP. (QUICK SNORE)...Huh? ~"~ ~0 YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING FOR Th~E HOURS.4 ~*~ ME TO U SOF~ DINNER? Oh yes...Ho~ did the game end? I DIDN'T LISTEN. Well, maybe I can get a news program and get the score. (SOUND: CLICK..STATIC) AND YL~ WE'RE NOT TOO YOUNG TO KNOW -- i can't unde~stana it. ANDMUSIC) DON: Sunday is Fun Day on CBS,..You'I1 hear ~great comedy shows as Amos 'nI Andy, My Friend Irms, and Ou~ Miss B~ooks.. A~d now be sure to stay tu~ed in for tho Amos Int Andy Show which follows imeedlately....The Jack Benny program is hQard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service.... THIS IS TI~ CBS RADIO ~VAq~JORK. R?N01 0'181303
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( ~R00]~AM #5 R~wV!SED SCRIPT SUNDAy, 0CTOEER 14r 1951 A~RICA/~ TOBACCO C0~ANY LUCKY STRIKE T~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM ,I CBS 4:00 - ~:30 PM PST JL 0'181304
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THE JACK B~[{Y_ P~0GP~M L'UI~fy, OCTOBER 14, 195! ' 0P~/~ING CO~CiAL ]/ .... _____ (~ ~ F~IGGS: (CHANT -- 67 to 70 -- SOLD A~/<ICAN) SHARBUTT : OECHgBTHA : CHORUS: VOICE: 0RC}~TRA: VOICE: SHAE~JT2: THE JACK E~NNY PROGRAM (~JLLVAMP) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strlke today! Luckles taste better2 (FANFARE) Now a dramatic ~Dnooooe~eDt! -- pmesented by LUCKY STP~I (SHORT CLOSE) Toni~it Lucky S~rlke brings you the most dramatic nsw evidonoe of cigarette qualit~ ever prosented by a clgar~6to manufactu~o~. ~Ypamatio beo~uso it offers you f~cts -- authentic, verlfied, documented proof that Lucky Strike is the b est~]a~of the flve principal bra~ds of clg~rettes! N s~because it swoeps away tho s~ok~ soreen of ol~ims made fo~ other clga~ottes. A mont~h-aft~r-mcnth continuing study of the comparative qualILy of the f~e principal b~ands of cigarottes, b~sed on test~ certiflcd to be impartial, fai~~ and identical - ~nd here's ~ result - b~ a wide margin Lucky Strike is the best-m~de of ~ five p~incip~l brands! Thoso ~r~ ~e facts - not claims - facts - verified b~ F1~oehling and ~obertson, le~dlng laboratory consultant~ of Richmo~d~ Vi~mginla They r~port ..... R1"~40 ~ 0~8~305
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j TH~,] JACK Bk'~NY PROCR~.~4 • SUNDAY, CCT( ER 14, 1951 eP!~qINa cor~t,~L'a.~,iA!, ~J_ ( VOICe,: S!4b~RBUTI' : OROk~S TRA : CHORUS: It is our conclusion thet Luck~ Strike is the best-resale of those five major brand3. Signed Froehling and Roberts on. Yes, friends, Luckies are made better -- always so round, so firm, so fully paok~d, so fl.~e add e~s~: on the draw -- a big reason why Luckles taste bette~. ADd d everyone knows -- ~ -- ~ ineans fine tobacco! Thore.s no ~,ubstltute fo~ fide tobacco -- d~'t let anybody tell you dlfferent! $o, fmlends, smoke t/%e cigarette that tops the five principal brands ... the oig~retto that combines fine tobacco add suneriol• w~2~ ... the cigarette that tas~r - Lucky Strike l i~U~ VAMP) Be Hgppy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today[ (LONG CLOSE) AI ~O'I 0181306
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"I ,/ ( FIP~T ROUTINE) (AFTER CO},9~RCIAL, MUSIC UP A$1D DOW]~) DON: T}~ LUC~k~Y STRIKE TROGRA$1, L]~INOSTONE, PHIL I~ARNIS, ~ULY" DON ~[II~ON. (APPIA~E..~7~S10 UP AI~3) D0'~,~f) DON : PCCH: ROCH: ROCH: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: HOCH: -I- STANRINC JACK P~NNT..WITH ~Ry ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY AND 'rYOURS IARi~ AND GENTL~t~N., .DURING HIS CARF$~ IN SHOW BUSINESS, JACK I~JNNY HAS RECEr~ MANY AWARDG, pLAQL~S, AND ME~ENTOES, , v ~ ~TC UHICM HE ~P~IN h,o TROPHY ROOM...AT THE MOMENT, ROCHESTER IS IN THERE DD~TING T~M OFF. DOGGONE...~LR. BENh~/ SURE HAS A LOT OF TROPHIES IN THIS ROOM...HEREIS THE EEy TO THE CITY OF WAUKEGAN...HERE'S THE I(EY TO TH~ CITY OF ST. ' JOE.., ,HERE S A DOOR KNOB TO CUCAMONGA .... THEY DON'T R~EN BOTHER TO LOCK THAT PLACE...I BETTER DCST THIS PlAqUE TNAT pARAMOUNT GAVE ~ ~OR MAKING '~BUCK BENNY RIDES AGAIN" .... (SOUND: DUSTING) AND q~{IS SCROLl, FROM q~ENTIETN CENTURY FOX I~'OR MAKING "CfIARLTE 'S AUNT". (SOUHD : DUSTIUG ) AND THIS ~Y~NTC ~LZ'I~R BROTHERS SENT HIM FOR "TH~ HORN "'~ AT ~LO.,~ MIDNIGht. " (SOUND: 0~ SUIPE OF DUSTER AND PISTOL SHOT) I'LL BE DARNR~, IT'S STILL LOADED... (0~') Oh~ Rochester-.. YES BOSS. (COMING IN) Did Don Wilson get here yet? N0 SIR. JL F~ INO 1 0181307
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~L: -2- JACI(: Oh, darn it. He was supposed to bring the Sportsmen Cuartet over ea~.ly and let me hear the colm~ercial. R00.~ I.~L~T'S YOUR HURRy, BOS$? JAm<: ~J~ I've gotta leave, l've got an eppoiutment wlth a music publisher about my ~ong. ROCH: yOU STILL GOT A LOT OF CONFIDENCE IN TKAT NUMBER YOU WROTE, I~V~NIT YOU~ B~, d JACK: ~e].l~ Why not.~.it ~ a great song...and what a title... IL~C you Say I Beg your pardon, Then I'll Come Back To you".. Gee, I wish Don would h~n~ry a~d g~t heT.e...I~ve sot to get r.ly song over to t~t music publishers before noon. ROCH: ~...YOU ~n4~ NOT SHOW IT TO HIM AF~R }~IS ~ LUNCH. JACK: Never mind the sarcasm...just finish cleaning. ROCH: yES, SIR. ROCH: SAY BOSS, YOU'VE S~E HAD SOME OF THESE THINGS A LONG TI~. .... HEHEIS yOUR DISCHARGE FROM THE BOY SCOUTS. JACK: Oh ¥es,~. ROCH: A~,D }~RE'S yOUR DISCHARGE FROM THE NAVY. JACK: ~h huh. • ROCE: t,~i)}2[~ 'S T}~ ONE FROM N.B.C. ~Z~.. JACK: yeah...an usher h~nded it to mo-es-I was running East co Sunset .... NOW Rochester, whi~e I'm gone this a~ternoon-- JL ~1"~01 0181308
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( -3- jA OK 1 ~p~Z~!F i ............. "~ (SOUND:I DOOR BUZZER) ROCH: COMING. JACK: l~ever mind, that's I,h~. Wilson, I'll ~.~" ~.~(z..~' (SOUND: FOOTSg~EPS...DOOR OPENS) ~V~Ry: liello, Jack. JACK: Oh Mary..I was expecting Don Uilson. He wes supposed to be here half an hour ago. ~ARy: Uoll Den's probabl~ having trouble with his oar again... you know, it's always breaking down. JACK: Oh, something wrong ~ith the motor? MARy: I~o, he just sits in it and it keeps breaking down. /~ JACK: Ma~y~ why don t ~ou stop.~kl,m ~ j~k .... ,C ........ i'.. (SODZ~D: DOOR cLOSES)/7~/ MARy: Jack, I happened to be in the neighborhood so I just thought I 'd drop in. JACK: uell~ that's nice... ' ~.~: Ch fine...And Ocs~.:...::~--tt n T.inutc till I get it cut cf ~j • im-4~? MARy: ~ Z ~ot a lette~ Iro~ ~ez,~a this reclining. JL
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4, JACK: ~>RYi / KkRy: JACK: MARy: JACK: MARy: JACK: NAR Y: JACK: MARy: JL -4- eh?...~ What does the De~usr Oh, a letter from you~ mother, of plainfield have to say? He)>e, I'll read it to you, z (SOUND:/RUSTLING OF pAPER) (CIEARS THROAT, .T~N READG) ~{ DARLING DAUGHTER MARy...JUST A SNORT NOTE TO LET YOU KNOU WE ARE AIL WELL AND HOPE YOU ARE THE SAME...THE ~THER ~RE F2~5 BEEN CHANGEABLE AND IAST ~TL~K WE HAD A THUNDERSTORM AND LIGHTNING HIT THE BARN...NO D~-MAGE EXCEPT THAT T}~ COW NOW GIVES YAMI YOGERT. Gosh, }F~RY DEAR, YOU WOULDNIT RECOGNIZE YOUR FATRER NC~7 AS ALL HIS T~TH ARE GONE..BUT IT'S }LIB OWN FAULT...I WARNED HIM NEVER TO FAIL ASLEEp IN T~ SUBWAY W~RE T~RE ARE PICKPOCKETS. you/~ father should be more careful, Mary. - ~/~ ~ *~/~ (IAUGHINGL7) v/T~/REAS~N PA#A WAS CARRYING HIS TEETH IN ~8 POCKET WAS BECAUSE RM B~,T ON THE GIANTS AND DIDN'T FEEL LIEE~ S~ELING. you know, Leo Durooher would be happy to meet your father... what a pair...Lippy and Gtt~uy. SO MUCH FOR YOUR ~...NOW FOR A FEW WORDS ABOUT YOUR SISTER BABE. i . L , thi~ is the part I live for. f-~ ~ ~-~../. ~leTJ.~,~,~ 0h boy, BABE IS ~z~Ry HA~Py THAT S~ TOOK THAT JOB THIS S~R AS A LIFEGUAED BECAUSE IT RESULTED IN ~ER GETTING A STEADy BOY ~IEqTD. RE'$ A ~IOE LITTL~ FELLOW NAMED MORTON #aND T~ STRE~ED GOING"STEADy ~EN BABE RESO~D HIM FROM DR0~I~G... }~'$ KIND OF SMALL, BD~ YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE ONE THAT GOT AI'fAY. PllNO 1 01813'10
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(- JACK : Msmy, you didn't tell me know she oouId SWi1?., Y/d~Y : JACX : ~ Any_ ~mre n~ws, Mary? i ~:.[' No, nothing Important. ROOH: (CCMI~G IN) EKCUSE ~.~, -5- she ~s,s a l~fegL~d...I dldnlt even 5h certainly, j~ok...B~be~s a regular Mermaid. Oh yes,.it's a shame the wrong half looks llke a fish,.. BOSS, BUT IF YOUB APPOINTMENT IS FOR EIEI~N THIRTY, YOU BETTER LFAVE, ..IT'S ELEVEN O'CLOCK NO~. JACK: Huh? No it isn't, Rochester...you're fast. My ~atch says ten thlr ty, MARy: Mine ~ays ten-forty-five, JACK: Rochester, dlal UL-8900 and get th~ co~rect tLme2 w~/~ ~'~'~'~" ROCH: yES, SIR./'//- (SOUND: RECEIVER UP. ,PAUSE..RECEIVER DO~) ROCE: T~~ PARTy LINE IS ON. JACK: Oh..~ll Itll turn on the radio..maybe ~e'll get a time signal • (S0tq~D: CLICI( OF RADIO. ,SOME STATIC ~[HYSTLES) SARA: (SINGS) T}~Y TRIED TO TELL US ~IRE TOO YOUNG, TOO yOUNG TO REALLy ME IN LOVE, JACK: ~ For heaven's sakes, is she still on? • / ~z, 7 M~RY: l~hat ~ppointmont ? JACK: I'm going to a music publisher to see If he'll publish my ~L RT.~O'I 0181311
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-k-i -6- MARY: Oh Jack..you'll never get anyone to publish that corny song of yearns. SACA: Oh ye6d1,~welI Just come along, Mary, and you'll see..Come on. ~i%Ry: Okay., .My ca~, is out in front. JAg(: J~/<O~odj let's go. (SOU~'{O: DOOR CLOSES..FOOTSTEPS GOING D0~N T}~tEE CF~5~]NT STEPS..THEN ON SIDEWALK.. ) JACK: ~ Mary, the publishe~ts office is in Hollywood so it won't toke us very ~- , ' "Z DON: (COMING ON)-~,Jack..Jack...(PUFFING) z I"m glad I d{dn't miss you. JACK: Well, it's about time you got here. DON: I'm sorry I'm late, but on the way over hers I had an accident..I ran into a truck and tm0nsd it over. JACK: Ch my goodness...was your car damaged much? DON: I was %'alking. JACK: Look DOm.~.I haven't time to stand here and talk to you, you promised yould brlnS the quartet and let me hear the co,~meroial. Now where sine they? DON: ,'~he~'~ should be here any minute~ Jack....They told me they'd be-- MARY: ~, Jack, here they como now. (SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEps) JACK: ~ellows, it's no use rumnin~ because I haven't got time to-- J 5L
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f QU;JRT : JL }IN'RE LATE, WE'RE IA~ %~ 'RE SORRy T~%T WE'RE IATE }IN MISSED THE SL~SET BUS YOU KNOW ~y~'}IE. IATE, WE'RE LATE, ~'RE LATE, ~'RE IATE AND ~IORTIFI~ ~[~. ~i~ ~ COU~DN'T'~T A RIDE NO ONE VOUID STOP AI~ PICK US UP NO ~@~TTER WHAT ~gE ~YED WE Y'ELI~) AT EVERy PASSING CAR VE I{FAELY WENT BER3L~ ~ SH011~D OUR TENOR'S pRETTY IF~ BUT NOTHING S~MED TO WORE SO NOW ~.IEE OUT OF BREATH AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE TI~ ONLY THING THAT WE CAN SAY ISLSMFT P~ }L%PPY AND GO LU~Y EVERkqSODY SHOULD BE, HAPPy AND GO LUCKY. THEy'RE GREAT, T}IEy'RE GREAT ~,~ REALLy WANT TO STATE YOU CANNOT BEAT A LUCKY STRIKE 'I~BY'P~E GREAT, Tfg]Y'PS GREAT, A~D WHEN YOU pUFF NO PUFF IS EVER ROUGE NO OTl~gR CIG~TTE COMPARES U]TH LUCKIES SURE E[[SUGH I!OW LUCKY STRIR~ I~*A~;S FINE TOBACCO, L S M F T. -y- THEy'RE REALLY GREAT. (~ore) /q'f HO 1 0~8 13"13
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qUART: A BETTER TASTING CI{~ARETTE Cont. ) WIT]{ T]IAT YOU WILL AGI{EE BUT NOW WE HAVE TO GO ~ }lAVE ANOTHER SHOW CAN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE, HEI/]3 %~]~RE VERY VERY LATE, YOU KNOW }~'RE 1ATE, WE'RE LATE }~'RE IATN, WE'RE LATE }~]~RE LiTE, QUITE LATE. (APPIAmE) -TA- JL ATe01 0'18~314
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-8- (sEc0, o P, CUTI~ ) DON: Say fellows~/that's not the song I wanted Jack to hear. JACK: Ue~'l, never n]Ind, Don, I can't wait now. I've gotta go to the music publisher's. r,~kRy: And we'd better hurry o~ ~e'l] be late. JACK:>. So long, Don. f DON: So long. l (TRANSITION ~[CSIC "I'M L%TE") SOV : T~ !C 0 ~S JACl(: 4}[ore's tho~ouildlng, [4ary...let,s go in.# ~!ARY: Uell, ~at floor is the music publisher's -- P}IIL: ~,LIVVY..JACK~0N..}~q~AT ARE YOU DOING IN HOLLDJ00D? Y JACK: u _ ve got some businessJ upstairs...~at eps you dolng here, Phil? PHIL: Oh, 7 just came from my doctor's office. JACK: you/, doctor7 Is there anything wrong? PHII,: lean I been havin5 stomach aches, so I went to see the doctor~ 8nd he examined me, and said I had an ulcer; MARY: An ulcer7 Is he a good dootoz,? PHIL: ~ ~ /~'~ - " he s~id it was caused by something I ate. No. Ye ah. l£nat kiDd of treatment did he prescribe? i[ell~ he e~dn ~ give me no medicine...but I gotta watch r~- diet, ~ I ain't ~,llowed to put anything spioy on my food. Oh..llke pepper, mustard, or ketchup. That's right...none of them oompllme~ts. JACK: MARy: P}~L: MARy: PHII! JL 8 l:~O 1 01813]5
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-9- JACK: THAT'S CONDImeNTS... Complimeot s. / P}~L: A natural mistake for a chap who's been getting them all/~ his life. JACK: hrmW~. ~ ~ , _. PHI1.; And besides laying off4"splcy foods,~I~'"ve got to drink nothing but milk for six weeks. ~ Ain't that awful? ~I JACK: IKqat's awful about it? Milk isn't so bad. PHIL: %qlat does it taste idke? JACK: Well, it's sort of...oh, t~y some and be surprised...Now come on, Mary, we'll be late. PHIL: Late for what? MARy:~,Jack's seeing a music publlsher..he thinks be,s going to get that song of his published. PHIL: Uell, I think ~ a good chance. JACK: You soe Mary, you see. PHIL: That' rlght, Mary...no one can tell ~here youtre gonna find a ~ tune these days..Now you t~ke "That's What I Like About the South," for instance. Ye~, how did Xou ~ pen~to write that, Rhil? ,~.~ - _ /#~ ~,~.~. ~. -. _ PHIL: ~Wt~ one night a fe~i years ago I was ha dlnner..wheu I finished, I looked around at the leftovers..there was some hamhocks, and turnip greens, so I wrote a song about the garbage ~nd it beca~ ~ hit. • MARy: Okay...so long, Phil. JL £TN01 0181316
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1¸ PHIL: MARy: JACK : SHELDON : JACK: ~RY: JACK: MARy: JACK: NFdRy: JACK: -lO- Se long, kids...(EXITS FADING) (SINGS) Oh won't you come with 71~e ~o ~lab~I1y, there we ill meet my dea~' old mammy. (SOUND: FOOT~±~PS ) Say Jack, did you notice how Phil was dressed...so neat with a tie and a ca~,ngtion in his lapel...I wonder why. Mary, donlt you know?...This is National Uine Weok...Phll was nc~aed the Grape We'd Most Like To Crush in 1951" .... Now Come or:. You !Q~ow, Mary, ~hen the publisher hea~s my song, bet11 be absolutely nuts Kbout it..,And ~ou ~eveP can tell, it mig2*5 even become as -- Htya, Mud...]ong title no see. Huh?....Oh he o. .Come - ' Oh, it's that race track tout. l~m always running into him .... Come on. Jack, ~hat ricer is the publishing company on? T%le Fourth...You kno~, Mamy, Itve been so excited about getting down here I forgot to eat. And IIm hungry, too. %fell, there's a candy machine over there. ~fny don't you get a candy bar? I think I will. (S0[~D: FOOTSTEPS...STOP) JL P3 "I';KO 1 018131?
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l, JACK: JACK: S}~IDON : JACK : S~] LD ON. JACK : JACK : JACK: S}~.LD 0N : JACK : SI{ELOON : JACK : SHELDON : JACK: SHELDON : JACK : S}~LD0r[ : JACK: -ll- Lot mo see if I've got a nickel. (SOL~D: JINGLE OF CHANGE) Oh, her~Is one...Gee, theylve got a lot of candy bars in this m~ohine... Thoyrvo got Hersheys..Love Nest..Oh-Henry.. Life $avers..Baby ~uth..and Milky Dip....I think I'll get th&t one...a Milky Dip. }[ey, bud..bud. Huh? Come hero a minute. Yeah. %.~hatoha doinr? 71 _ m getting some candy. A Milky Dip. Uhuh. l~at? Get a Hershey bar. l~y ~ Hershey bsm? In this hot we~the~ nothing runs like chocolate. But~l want a Milk~ Dip. Milky Dip hssn't got a chance. l,~hat are ~ou ta]/<ing &bout. Milk Dip not choco]ate on the outside, but itahas cream iu the center• That's what'll give you the trouble. ~at? JL 8])<01 0181318
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C -12- S}~LOO~h Cresm is hard to h~ndle unless you whip it. JAOK: Gee, I n~ver thought of that. You really think I should get & Hol.shey baJo? S}~IDON: Can't ~Iss...Look ~t the last performanoe¸. JACK: Last performanoe? S~]LDON: yeah. Comln' out Of tho m~hi~e, Hershey ~s boxed in by Life Saver but got through the hole. JACK: Really? S}~IDON: And Life Saver was the fl~vorite. JACK: Well, I don't know...I'm still g~a--- Wait a minute, l know wh~t I'Ii do.. ;I 'ii got an Al~Lond Joy. S}{ELDON: l~y Almond Joy? (O0r~IDE~'IAL) P~oau~e in the paokage there a~e two ba~s, and I o~m eat them as <~ SHELDG~I~40kay~ it ~ your ~ousIi~ ( ~pp IA~7~n ) • j ,~.j~J" fTl<'~+.-- ~+<-'<" .~-;.,x .....,.+,.<-/-... - - JACK: J~r07 ~tls ~eo ~-le~+ols m v nioko~?,, ,Oh) h~ it J~J Jn my hand. I think fill--Wait a minute, thls ~s only half nickel...oh, no..it's bent. I wish I wouldn't hold my monoy so tlght...l'll have to use another one. (SO~: JINGI~ OF COINS...00IN IN SLOT..LEVER) MARy: (OFF)~,Jaok..Jaok..here's the elevgtol,! JACK: Coming, (so~,~ : FOOTSTEPS) ~EL: Going up, JL Pi T ~0 "1 O lSJ3J9
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-13- JACK: MEL : ~A('W? ~.~L : JACK: Fourth floor, please. ~]L: Yes sir. (SOUND: GATES CLOSE..HUM OF ELEVATOR) JACK: Wait a minute, I want to go up, not down. // ~/~- 4 anTway ? / $~L: ll~J/-Thls is my first day. I used to own the building. What happened? I bet on Notre Dame. ......... • .... 3 : building. Fourth floor. (SOUND: ELEVATOR D02~5 OPEN..FOOTS~PS) , , JACK: Well, he~e,4~. Now let's 8ee.~ .The Kea~n Music Fublis~ing Company...I don't see it. ~@~RY: ~.This office here is a Recording Company...and so is the one next to it. JACK: Yeah...the7 all seem to be recording studios...I'll 6o in this one and inquire. (SOU~,D : DOOR OPENS.. ) (ORCHESTRA INTRODUCTION) MARY: Jack..look.,it's Dennls.°Ke'8 making a record. JACK: Oh yes/ .L~/ '~'" ~'~"~-~" " (DENNI5'S SONG --- '"WE WAlK IN T~ SHADONS") (APPmUHE) TO ~1H01 0181320
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( JACK: ~hat a hammy kid..making the musicians applaud) ~J~/~- ~RY : De nnis - - DhNNIS: Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Fm. Bonny. JACK: , Dennis, we just hea1~ you record that song and it was very good. , A D~]NNIS;~Thanks. The company thinks it's gonna be a big seller, ~%HY: Really?..~at's on the other side? DENNIS: Oh, a very beautiful ballad. If you'd llke to hear it, I'll turn the record over and play it for you. JACK: Okay, letts hear it. DENNIS : Okay. (SOUND: FLIP OF RECORD..LIO}~ RECORD SORA~I~H) (CLASSY ARPEGGIO I~fRODUCTION) SA~L~: (SINGS) T}~Y ~IED TO TELL US %~,RE TOO YOUNG, JACK: Dennis-- SARA : TOO YOUNG TO REALLy BE IN LOVE.. JACK: ~ Dennis, shut ........ j / JACK: You would make a record with he~.¢.Now look, Dennis, I~ve got an appointment with Mr. Kearn about publishing my song. How would you like to come along and sing it to him? DENNIS: I can't, Mr. Benny, I have to have a tooth pulled. JACK: Again? Dennis, you had a tooth pulled yesterday. DENNIS: You pulled the ~r~ong one. JAC,~. Oh. FARY: Dennis...If you were silly enough to let ~. Benny pull your tooth itts your own fault if he pulled the wrong one. TC RIX01 0181321
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f , -15- DENNIS: I wouldn't care, but he took the one with the gold in it. JACK:~..-iook, kid, we've gct~a go. I~ll see yJ~l tor~orrow at DENNIS:~Mr. Benny, would you mind having tF~ rehearsal at my house? JACK: ~Pny should we rehearse at your house? DENNIS:, My uncle is visiting us a n~ he thinks that I'm the star of th8 show. JACK: Oh, he does, huh?...Well, let me tell you something... A~,, ~@K, ~uat s the difference where you have ~ehea~sal?.. ~Weil.. ~k~,.~nnlg,/ w~,ll have the rehearsal at your house tOD~OrPON, .~leve~l o ~clook. DENNIS: Okay, and be there on time, kid. JACK: What? DENNIS: My uncle doesn't think I need you at all. JACK: Now out that out!...Come on, Mary. DENNIS: Goodbye, Livvy. MARY: So long, Boss. JACK: Mary, don't encourage him. (SOU~D: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Now let me see..it's supposed to be the last doo~ here on the--Oh, there it is~.~ar~Muslc Publishing Company. ~t%RY: Jack£-d~ " an appolntment~ ~ JACK: 9~, it was easy. Come on, let's go in. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS..FEW FOOTSTEPS) TC ~]H01 0181322
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,71 16- BEA : May I help you? JACK: Yes..I..el,..I phoned this morning and I was given an appointment to see M~. Kearn. B:,IA : Your name, please? J&CK: Cole Porter. ~4~ ' ,r -~NLY--Y0~BE~EATH-TI = M3CN I beg your pardon, ~--~ Who did you say you were? --P:r..Cole Porter. ~: ~. l'm afraid I don't understand. Mr. Porter just left here teu minutes ago. JACK: Well, I'm back. BEA: You certainly aged in those ten minutes. JACK: Never mind..~ust tell Mr. Kearn that Cole Porter is here. BEA: Er..yes sir. ~ho is thl~--yo~ with you? MARY: Irving Berlin. JACK: Mary, please..1~ow, Miss, BEA : Y-Y-Yes sir. B?V. : JACK : KEARN : tell Mr. Eearn we're here. (SUU~: INTER-0FFICE BUZZER..CLICK) (FILTER) Yes? 9. TC f:H ,'~0 1 0181323
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f { -17- BFA: Mr. Kearn..Cole Porter add Irving Berlin are here to see you, ~,~ARNS: Well..send them in: Yes ~i~. And, M~. Kea1,ns, if you should wmut we, I'll be ~t the Cedars of Lebanon Hospital. KEARNS : What? BBA: ~<My doctor w~ned me, but I didn,t know it would happen this suddenly. KFARNS: ~lat a~e you talking ~bout? BE&: You'll find out~ ( SOU?~D : CLICK) BFA: You may go in now. JACK: Thank you...Come on, Irving. (SOU~D: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR 0P~NS) E~NS: Well..Cole, I dldn~t expect to see 7ou -- Wait z minute, you're not Cole Porter...Irvlng, who Is this ..... I mean, who h are o~? JACK: w Mr, Keal~s, donft get exoited,,.I ~ust ha~ to get in to see you.'/}I wrote a song and I warlt you to listen to it. E~ARNS: Well, I happen to be a ver~j busy man..I have no time to fool smound.. ,so please take your song someplace else. JACK: Well, if that,s the way you feel about it, I cePtalnly will. Oo~ie on, lrvlng...l ~ee/~3 M&l~, LefTs go. (SOUND: 9~ FOOTSTEPS) ~_Z~RNS: Wedt a minute... JACK: R~h? KrA2NS: Perhaps I was ~ little too h~sty. I onoe refused to listen to a song and it eventually became the number one tune on the Hit P~made for ten weeks, and ~ do~'t ~snta m~ke th~t~mistake ~...So I'll listen to o~ song. 0181324
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-18- • JACK: Thank yeu..Come on, Mary, let's go over to the piano. ' [~Y: Iill ~dt here b7 the door• JAC(: Hmm, ~C~I~!S: Now, this sonS you ~rote...what's the title of it? JACK: 'r~/nen You Say I Beg Your pardon, Then 1.11 Come BacM To You". (SOUND: DOOR su~) JACK: Ma~_, com~ back here: ~ARy: The wind blew it sh~t. JACK: 0h. W~ll, leave it closed2 Z~,~- E~S: Please, may I hear your song now? JACK: Yes sir. (p LM<0 INTRODUCTION) JACK: (SINGS) WH~ Y0U SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON, THFN fILL COME BACK TO YOU. YOU ASK ME TQ FORGIVE YOU, fILL RETUEN. {~i s~-.,.4 cl,,:&'L-d LIKE T}~ SWALLOWS AT S~RANO, RETURN TO CAPISTF~NO, FOR YOU MY--- ~/ABNSI Hold it, hold it...Just a minute, please• JACK : Huh? KEI~RNS: Did you Say "Like the swallows at Serrano?" JACK: Yes. KEARNS:~,Where in the nsmle of D6wnbeat is Serrano? JACK: KEARNS : JACK: KF~IRNS: Serrano is a little town ~n Italy. Well, what are the swallows doing in Italy? Oh, for heaven's sake. EverKbody picks on that. Well, answer me, what are the swallows doing in Italy? RTH01 0181325
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~- • .~• ,~ 4 , F,~-~• ~ . • .... ~ ~ .~.~ ~~., JACK: kq~tR NS : JACK: EEARNS: MARy: JAOK: KEARNS: JACK: KEARNS: JACK: KFARNS: JACK: EFARNS: JACK: (~pLAUSE: ~ -19- Look Mister, if a man can ~ade smound in a swamp for twenty years ~elling "Chloe'~, I Can have the swzllowss~m~ke o e . lousy trip to Italy~ .Now listen to the rest bf this song. Well all ~Ight...but I wouldn't if you ve~entt a lodge brother. Ledge Brother? Your watch chain...you~re an Elk, aren.t ~ou? That's Dennls.s tooth. Qulet...Now 9h,. Kearns I want you to listen to the rest of this song. (SINGS) IF YOU TELL ME THAT YOU'RE SORRY THEN I WILL UNDERSTAND INEATH THE HARVEST MOON W~ILL PI~E OUT IKf~E A~. SO MY D~/qLINS, THO W~JVE pARTED, COME BACK TO...W~NCE..W~ STAh~'ED. Whencel YES...~I~ICE...THAT,S T}~ POETIC TERM FOR WHF/qE,..BUT ANYWAY, MR. KEARNS, THE MUSIC IS THE IMPORTANT THING. WITH YOUR II~FLUHNCE, YOU COULD GRT THAT MELODY ON THE HIT PARADE. I COULDNIT GET THAT MELDOY ON A GOOD HUMOR TRUCK. 0K YFAH? ,/ ~, • , t GET OUT OF MY BUILDING. / / { YO~ BUILDI~IS! _I BET ON S.M.U. 0h,...well~ come on Ma~, PLAYOFF) F~ I',RO '1 0'18 ~1326
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-~O- D~¢:~ Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, through ca~elessness~f~re / against fir~.~Make sure every mat%h,,~ery cigarette is put out. Always checE-the.a#h~trays before leaving the regulat_igns. Remember, only ~ can preve~ Thank U USE) DON: Jack will be back in Just a moment, but first ... f-~ 1" HO 1 0'181327
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TI~; JACK B~I~ ~0ORAM SU~PDAY, OO'I'OBER 14, 1951 O LOSING COMMERCIAL ORCHESTRA : CHORUS: VOICE: SHARBUTq~: VOICE: S~.RDUTT : VOICE: ORCHESTRA: "- CHORUS: (FIYLL V~IP ) Be Happy -- Go Luck~ Go Lucky Strike today! (SHORT CLOSE) Luckies taste better! V,o~u~, Luckles tasbe better -- and a big reason why is that they'~e mad~better. Hersqs dramatic new, doc~nented evidence that Lucky Strike is the best-made of ~;e five principal brands of clgarottes! These a~e facts - not claim3 - fscts - verifie~by Froehllng and Robertsoo, leading labor~tory consultants of Pichmond, Virginia. They report ..... It is our conclusion ~i~t Lucky Strike i~ the best~a~ of ~e~e five major braods. SigocdF~oehliug and Robertson. Yes, this dramatiC new Gvidence sweeps away the smoke screen of cl~im~ mad~ for other cigarettes. So, fri~nd~, whenever you buy cigarettes ... remember N~e facts. Remember ~/M~T - Lucl~ Strike means flse tobacco. Remember the qu~llty of Lucl~ Strike. Remember - L~ckies taste better That's it! Be Happy -- Go Lucky - becacse Lucki~_~ tarts better~ Be Happy -- Go Lucky go Luck~, St~,lke today ~ (I~NG CLOSe) ~gTHO I O~81328
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-21- JACK: ~ Sund&y iI lln day on C.B.S ..... You'll hcar such great comedy shows as Amos ~n~ Andy~ My~Frlend Irm~j @nd Our Miss Brooks.. ~e~hesZem ! s .dinneP :,.~, l,,bet-on-No~Pe-Dame~--~i~b%~; (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) DON: De sure to stay tuned In for the Amos ~n' Andy Show which follows immediately ... The Jack Denny Program is heard by our a~cd forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. ..... THIS IS T~C.B.$. RADIO NETWORK. R1~01 0181329
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"C¸, AMERICAN TOBACCO CONP~. j LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGBAM ~. SUNI~Ym OCTOBER 21, 1951 CBS 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST VR A 1~'0 '1 0181330
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~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM OCTOE~R 21, ]951 RIGOS: (CHANT -- 67 to 70 -- SOLD AMERICAN) SHARBUTT: T~ JACK BENNY pROOP~M....presented by LUCKY STRIKE .... The clgarotto that testes betber! SOUND: (TAPE RECORDING PLATED BACKWA~...F~TABLISH THEN FADE f D AhNC,, 2: SHARBUTT : ANNCR 2 : SHARBL~T : ANNCR 2 : AND HOLD UNDER) ~l Words...words.,,mea~ingless words...cigarette advertising fills the air with them~ Clalms...claims... claims. But how many facts? No_~w this smoke screen of empty talk is sweSweDtt aw~[ -- for the first time in cigarette history~ Now -- a month-after-month continuing quality compa~i~on-- based on tests certified to be impartial, fair and identical-- ~oves Lucky Strike, by a wide *nargin, is the best made of the five prlnoipa] brands of clgarette~ That's a f a_ct, friends -- not a cl~im -- a fact.., ver.ifie_d and documented by leading laboratory consultants of Richmond, Virglnla. They report ....... It is our conclusion t|mt Lucky Strike is the best-mad~ of these five major brands. Signed -- Froeh]ing and Rcbertson. (MORE) ~- TO 0181331
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THE JACK BENNYPROGRAM OCTOBER 21, 3.951 OPENING COMM~CIAL (CO~.) SHARBUTT: yes, frlends --Luckies are made better -- so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw -- with no annoying loose ends.., a big Peason why Luckies taste better. ANNCR 2: And never forget -- LS/~T -- Lucky Strike means flne_ tobacco. There's no substitute fo~ fdne tobacco -- don't let anybody tell you different. SOUND: (TAPE RECORDING PLAYED BACKWARD - ESTABLISH TI~N FADE out UNDER) SHARBUTT: So, friends, don't be misled by olalms and meaningless words! Remember the facts~ Smoke the cigarette that tops the five principal brands for quality~ Enjoy fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco in the cigarette that's made better -- the cigarette that tastes better -- Lucky Strike! 0RCH : ( FULL VA~IP) CHORUS: Be Happy -- GO Lucky B8 Happy -- Go Lucky Strike Be Happy - Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today~ (LONG CLOSE) TC R'~ ;dO 1 0181332
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(FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTF~ COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP A~"O DOWN) TUR LUCKY BTRIK~ PROGRAM, LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, TRCLY" DON WIL~ON. (APPIA~E..MUSIC UP AND D0~) [~]N : -l- STAERING JACK BENNY..WITH M~.Ry ROC~V~STER, DENNIS DAY, AND "YOURS IADI~ AND GENTL~.~MEN, MANy TI~S IN TUR PAST ~'VE SHOWN YOU ~AT }L%PPENS BE~IORE A JACK BENNY BROADCAST GOES ON T~ AIR. TONIGHT ~.~ WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS AFTER A PROGRAM IS FINISHED. SO, LET'S GO BACK TO LAST WEEK IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE pROGRAM WENT OFF THE AIR. (BA~I) PLAYS A LITTLE OF FINAL THEME SONG) . , , //~/~/~ ' JACK: Thatis all, thatls all.~e~m-e~.' Thank yo'u, ladies and LI gentlemen, you were a wonderful audience...Okay Usher, you can close the curtains now. ( SODT~I: CURTAINS CLOSING) DON: Say, Jack, I 'm awfully sorry I missed that line of mlne during the bpoadcas t. JACK: Nell Don, these things happen sometimes..but fortunately, Mary was alert and read your line. DON: I know, but I donTt think It was believable when Mary said, "Jack, how would you llke to come with me to a Tu~klsh B~th?" JACK: All right, Don, $0 you mad~ a mlstake~.don,t worry about It. i DON: 9 But Jack, I've been an announcer for so many Fears, I shou]dn 't make mistakes. Vfl A]HO'I 018'1333
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.f -/ ,- JACK: -2- ~or' et about it Donsy.,~ i~n ~ ~ LL~I, ~ou all& ~7,cthi.-~ JACK: Of cou~,se not. MARy: Or ~mk~e-5~ ~ Ou~ in salary. I ~ACK: Mary, you keep out of this .......... DOn, I'll l~t i~ go thi~ time, DEN~IIS:~Hel ~,, Mr. Benn~..are you going to sign this? Huh? oh yes, Dennis. (SOUND: SIGNING OF SIGNATURE) PHIL: %q~at's that hels signing, Dennis? DENNIS: ~ly contract..he does it after every show. MARy: %~at? J~ck, how come you've got Dennis on a week-to-week contract? DE~INIS: ~ I'm getting older and ha'~ afraid my voice might change. JACK: yeah. MARY: Jack Benny, you ought to be sshemed of yourself. at do you mean, JACK: ~,,~h ..... ashamed?..that's just smar~ business. ~what good is he to me if his voice changes..sfter all, b~rltones ar~ a dime ~ dozen. DENNIS: Accoz,ding to my sal~ry so are tenors. JACK: N~ver mind..Now let's not get into any dIBou~iOnS, Xou'~e _ sig~led for next week so be happy, go lucky.~., .~,, / -¢.<. J- / ~I'XO'I 0'18'1334
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/ L -3- JACK: l;A, Answor the phone, will you, Mary? ~RY: Okay, Jack. ~: It ain't the foal telephone, Mr. Benny..I was just tostlng my sound equipment. JACK: Oh, a~e you getting ready for youm next show, Oene? }~,NB: Yeah..I like to test all my ~ound effects out first to see if they're working. MARy: Say..this is an interesting looking gadget..what is it? HERB: Oh, this is how we make the sound of a body falling down a flight of staIPs...Listen. (SOUND: BODY FALLING DOWNSTAIRS) Oosh...whatls this one here? Oh, that's a Medieva~ torture raok..Here, I'll show you how it works. (SOUND: CREAK OF RACK) Gee. Say...what's this effect here? Oh, that's a guillotlne..That cuts off people's heads., Listen. (SOUND: THUMP 0P GUILLOTINE DROPPING) Gosh...Say, what ~ you~ next progrsml? Life Can Be Boautlful. I must listen to it. YOU know I -- Oh for heaven's sakes.. PHIL! ~at's the ~atter, Jackson? JACK: I@E, RB: JACK: DON: HERB: JACK: HERB: JACK: PHIL: VR A]~01 0181335
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t JACK : PHIL: PIIIL: PHIL: JACK : PHIL: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DON : VR -4- Look at the,way all y6ur musicians are still sitting on the b~ndst~nd.q.Get rid of them..I donlt want to have to pay ovor-tlme again. Okay, okay. (SOUND: RAPPING OF BATON ON MUSIC STAND THREE TIMES) ~...BY TH~IP0~R VESTED IN ME BY JAMES CAESAR PETRILL0, I DISMISS Y~r ...... (SOUND: SCUFFLING OF FEET AND INSTRUMENTS CHAIRS AND MUSIC STANDS) There, does that suit you? No it doesn't suit me...Look how you~ musicians leave all thei~ ~unk on the bandstand..havo them come back here and clean it up. 0k~y..(YELIS) }~y FELLOWS, COME, BACK b~J~E AND CARRy OUT YOUR MUSIC, YOUR INSTRUMENTS, AND P~4LEY. That's better.. You know, Phil, the trouble with you is you always think~/z~'y -"- (SOUND: FAST APPROACHINg HORSES H00~, 3 PISTOL SHOTS..MORE HOOVES) HI Y0, SILVER2 DENNISj GET AWAY FRO~ THOSE SOUND EFFECTS ..... Silly kid.., and I~m stuck with him for another week. Well, there's nothing else to do here, I'm going to my dre~slng room, chsnge clothes, &nd So homo. " / ~ ~ ~ait ~ .~.i,~t,I J~uk. Wuuld~/L you like to go to a night club tonight? R ],,~01 0181336
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JACK: DON : MARY: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: MARY: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: MARy: -5- A ight club? -Y~..you know, the Sportsmen Quartet is appearing Bt Billy Oray's Bandbox and I thought it m~ght be nioe if we all went over there and had some fun. Say, why don't we do that? yeah, they've got a swell Bhow. il •. •Well .... Aw, come on, Dad..loosen up for onoe...Why don't you spend a little?..Try it~ it might be fu~. Look, Phil, Z'll tell you why I'm so careful about how much I spend .... It's because I work plenty hard for my money. So what..I spend..and Alice works hard, too! That I can ~-~ - " (SOUND: BODY FAI~NG DOWN STAIRS) DENNIS, STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH THOSE SOUND EPFHCTS. (OFF) T}L~T WASN'T A SOUND EFFECT, I FEI~ DO~ THB STAIRS. Good good...Well, I think Itl] go home. Aw Jack, why don't you come to the Bandbox? We11i have a lot of fun. yeah.,and don't worry about the money, Dad. What? Come on along and welIl all chip in and pay your sbeme. Look nobody has to pay fo~ me...l'll pay my own check, end what's more, I'll pay Mary's, too. Gee, I thought it was Dennis who fell downstalr, s. VR F~IMO ~ 0181332
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-6- r- JACk: It was Dennls~ and if he doesnlt out out that foolishness, there'll be another singer on this show. DENNIS: you can't fire me till my voice changes. JACK: Oh ~es..Well look, if youtme still a tenor, let me hear the song you're gonn~ do on next week's show and then I won't ~i have to bother listening to it later..phil, can you get your o~ohestra back? PHIL: SUre..NEXT ROUND 18 ON THE HOUSE. (SOUND: LOUD FOOTSTEPS, SCUFFIZNG, ETC.) JACK: Thank you, Phil,.Sing, Desnls. (DENNIS 'S SONG--"~KE BELIEVE" ) (APPLAUSE) VR R T.~O '; 0'181338
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K -7- (ssco , ROUTI ) ' JAn(: ~ Dennis, that sounded g}eat 8nd it will be wonderful on @h~ show • DENNIS: Thaoks, M~. Benny, l'm glad you liked it..(NOW GOES INTO DEEPEST VOICE ~ CAN)..because it,s one of my favorite-- JACK: Denni~, give me tack that contract~ DE~I8: (I(EGULAR VOICE~I was only kidding. JACK: Oh. M~XRY:Iook Jack, if we're golog to the Band Box, you'd better go to your dressing room and change. DON: That's right, Jack, then we can all go together. JACK: Okay kids, I'll hurry..wait for me.. (SOUND: WALKING FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS... THUDDING SOUND) JACK: OUCH....DENNIS! MARY: What happened? JACK: He ffpened th~n9 sound effects doo~ and I walked into the wall... i~,, ,i/ Keep/him out of mischief wlll you, fellows? (SOL~CD: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS & CLOSES..FOOTSTEPS IN HALl...SUSTAIN) JACK: Gc~, they're sure redecorating the studios .... I llko thls new paint Job they have in the hall.. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) VR AINO~ 0JB~339
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g -8- JACK: Hmm...look at all those fingerprints on the wall..(MAD) I can't undel, stand it..Wet Paint signs all over the place, and yet ~ hays ~ot to touch it...They just can't believe (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS START..A FEW OF T}~M.. 7 THEN DOOR OPENS ) ROCH: OH...HEIXD, BOSS. JACK: Hello, Rochesterj did you hea~ the sho~7 FOCH: YEAH..IT WAS GOOD AND---SAY, HOW'D YOU GET THAT PAINT ON yOUR FINGER? JACK: Fever mind and hand me a towel .... Thank you. NOCH: yOU READy FOR ME TO DRIVE YOU HOME? ~/ JACK: I~m not going home, Rochester...%~-end~the gang~are going to the Band Box tonight. ROCH: yOU gOING TO A NIGHT CLUB, BOSS? JACK: Fh huh. ROCH: WITH THE WHOLE GANG? JACK: UR huh. ROCH; DO YOU WAFT TO PUT ON ANOTHEF SUIT gO YOU CAN SAY YOU FORGOT YOUR MONEY? JACK: ,, qhey~@e wise to that one... But I do have to change clothes,. Co~[o o~,~help me. ROCH: OKAy...I GOT EVERYTHING ID OUT FRESH FOR YOU...SUIT...SOCKS •..BHIRT...AND TIE/...~RE..~ ~t~Y AS %~LL ~TABT MITH THIS. JACK: Well...I don't think I need g fresh ode. VR A]~01 0181340
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k .t ROCH : JACK : -9- I DO,..T}~ k~ATHER'S KIND OF DAMP AND THE CURLS ARE ALL OUT OF THE ONE YOU'RE WEARING. Gee, they shouldn't bs.. rI- tho~~ iJv~ ~,~Li,~ ~1 ~ ~, ,,~,v~-- ~iv,,I ~i i TT~T~T~ T JACK: Bdt all rlght..I'll change .... ROCH: SAY BOSS..SINCE YOU'RE NOT GOING HOME,, CAN I HAVE THE NIGHT JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH : JACK: SARA : BEA: SARA : BEA : ~A : OFF? REMEMBER, YOU'VE BEEN PROMISING ME ONE FOR A LONG TIME. Oh yes..what was it you wanted to do? GET T}~T APPENDICITIS OPERATION I NEED. All right, Rochester, but be home esrly/ ~J/~ I'LL TELL T}~ DOCTOR. Now,-I better call the night club and make a reservstlon.. (SOUND: RECEIVER UP..CLICKING..FADE TO BUZZING OF SWITCHBOARD) Say, Mable. What is it, Gertrude? Mr. Beony's line is flashing. yeah..l wonder what Saturday's Hero wants now. I'll plug in and find out. (SOUND: PLUG IN) Hello..,.yes, Mr. Benny...I'll try and get them Immedletely. (sou~: PLUG OUT) VR FI 1 ~0 "I 0181341
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~IO- BFA: He rants I should get him Billy gray's Bandbox...I wonder why? SARA: Say...l know...that's where the Sportsmen Quartet is ~inging..and I'll bet he's gonna try to get them to sing his song. BEg: Did Mr. ~enny write ~ song? SAL%: Yoah..didn't ~ou know? BFA: No..what's the nanE1e of it? SARa: '%~len you Say I beg yo~ pardon, poopsy, Then I'll Come Back To You", BFA: Is poopsy in the title? SARA: It was whcn he sang it to me last night. ~EA: Say, you didn't tell me you were going out with Jack l~st night. SARA: well, he called me 5t the last minute..so I put on my new dress and-- BFA: you didn't tell me you had a new dress either. SARA: Well...it isn't exactly new...I bought it in that shop that sells clothes that used to belong to big stars. 5K~: Cosh..who did this dress belong to? Lana Turner? S~RA: No, Milton Berle. Well...with your figul.e it musta fi perfectly~ Loo( ~ho s talking if ~ ~j ...... ~ ........ , yc ......... -- ~o hsve en~ figure at all....AnYWay, Jack liked me well enoagh to sing~his soilg. VR R'rHO 1 01813,~2
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-dl- SEA: Imagine him writing a song...I thought he'd quit after he tried to wlqte short stories and sell them to the magazines. SARA: wnyj ~hat happened then? He found out that they paid a nlckel a word, so he made his hel.o stutter...you know, Mabel, I went out with Jack a Couple of weeks ago..44~90k me to a rc~zntic idtt!o cocktail b~, J~CK: ~A : IACK: BEA : JACK: (T}~ESITION MUSIC) (SOUND: I~S : Oh~ Char] le -- ~L: LEWIS : . AI • ..... unz ~rin]~izg cn~-'~ f&oh!czcd? OperatoP, operstor. I'~ sorry, The Bandbox's Number is busy. Oh...well, keep trying it and when you get them..make a reservation, in ray name for a pa~ty of five. yes sir,.. Tha[~k ~ou. PABBLE..LIGHT TI~qlE OF GLASSES A~ID DISh~$) (SLIGHT M001EY) yes, Mr. Lewis? Jack Benny ca)led and made a l,essPvatlon fo~ 8, pa~ty of five. Would you set up a table? 9 VR f~]'N01 0181343
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-12- MEL: yes sir. How about that table over there? I~WIS: No, that's too close to the exit. ~%L: k~at do you mean? I~;IS: last tln~ he was here...when the check came, he llt a march, yelled "Fire", and that~a the last we saw of him. LFWIS: ~ I'ii say one thing, we didn't have any trouble getting the money from Mr. Earris. MEL: you didn't? LFWIS: No. We Just reached under the table and took ~t out of his wallet~ MEL: Oh-oh, here comes F~. Benny and his party now.. I better go set the table. (SOUND: LIGHT BABBLE..TINF~LE OF GLASBF~ AND DISHES.. FADE ) IEWIS: Good evening, Mr. Benny, your table is ready...This w~y, please. JACK: Thank you. Come on, kids. BABBLE, ETC.) Ldv. (SOUND: PHIL: you go first, NARY: Okay, (S0b~D: JACK: FEW FOOTSTEPS) Here's you~ t~ble, re}ks. Thank you. (SOOTED: MOVEMENT OF C}~IRS) VR ~]~0"/ 018'1344
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C -13- L~ITS: I'll have the waiter here in a moment. (MUSIC: STARTS PIAYING--"I GET IDFASrr) MARy: Oh Jack, isn't that wonderful music for dancing? JACK: It sure Is. But Mary, you're the only girl and there are fou~ fellows, so you'll have to dance with all of us. MARY: Oh, certainly, Jack. JACK: Good. Dennis -- DENNIS : Huh? JACK: Dennis, would you llke to have the first dance? DENNIS:~No thanks, I'd rather dan e with Mary. JACK: That's what I meant.~ .Come on, Mary, 1111 dsnoe wlth you fil.st. MARy: Okay. (SOUND: CHAIRS MOVED) i. VR A ]','~0 1 0'181345
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JACK: You know, I llke dancing with you, ~!ary. MARY :~, T~nksz/~ JACK: (HUMS Wl~ TUNE) When we are dancing and you're dangerously near me...I get ideas...I get ideas. ~d~M: Oh, dadj come now! ~/_ JACK: }~,, .W~ll, I donlt ca~,.I llke to dance wi~h you#.Y~ know Ms~,. yo~ haven't ohanggd a b~ since the day I took you out of the Ma~ Company. MARY: Oh yes I have, I'm much thinner. JACK: Oh yes. ,,maybe I o~ghta give you a raise...But no ]'/dding, i -- ~- ~o~... (MAD) Hey, $Sstsr, wh~ don't ~ou watch w~mre ~o~.~e dancing? ~RY: Jack, we'~e t~ only o~es on the floor. JACK: Oh, t.hen it mDst have been me. ~t~RY: Jack, come on, let's go back to the table, JACX: ~aat's t~e matter,.~.~Mar, don,t ~ou like to dance with ~? ~RY: My feet are too ~am~l- for both of us. JAC~: All might, let's s~t down. (SOU~: ~OOTSTE~..CHAIRS MOV-a~D) JACK: Hey kids, did you o~dem yet? DON: NO, we were waiting fo~ you and Mary. JACK: Od...OH, WAITER ..... WAITS... ~L : Yeah? JACK:~ '~We'll look at the nlenus now. ~L : JACK: ME~: JACK: ~4e do~t ~se No me~us here. NO menus! ... Then hew will we know what foo~ to uPde~? You na:~ it, we got it. Oh..Oh.. Well, I'll ~l,e some Pmime Ribs of Beef. RIH01 0181346
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-15 - ME~: We alu't sot no prime rib. JACK: 0h..t~n I'll have ~om~ Southern fried chicken. K~,L: ~'e ain't got no chicken. MARY: Row about steak? MEL: We ain't got no steak. 2HIL: Pork chops? ~, : Nope. DO~I:Roast lamb? JACK: Now, wait a minute. Yon said if we name it, yourve got it. ~: You ain't named it Net. JACK: ~ell, we.re not gonna play guessing games. Bring us w~ha~ yoe'~e got. JACK: at it is, Every time I go ~omeplace, I always have ~ ~ - - (DR~I RCIL) MARY: Jack, quiet, the floor show is going to start. ~ACK: Oh yes. LEh~Y: HOW DO YOU DO, LADLES AND GENTLEM~, THIS IS YOL~R ~MSTER OF C~EMCNIES, LENNY KF~T...WELOOMIigG YOU TO THE BAND BOX. (APPD~UZE) WB BlROt 0'187342
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¢- -16- AND BEFORE WE START OUR SHOW TONIGHT, I WANNA TELL YO A Z~JNNY THING THAT HAPPENED ON MY WAy TO THE CLUB/~ I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STRZ~T AND A pANHANDLER STOPFED ME AND SAID, "SAY, BUD, COULD YOU SPARE ME TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A BOAT TRIP TO BRAZIL?" I SAID, "TWO THOUSAND DOLORS FOR A BOAT TRIP TO BRAZIL. ! ~ ~0~ PANHANDI~S JUST ASK FOE A CUP OF COFFEE." H~ SAID, "T}L~T"~ WHAT I WANT, ~ I LI~ ~A~~/~ IT 9ZKESH. " . _. JAOK: Say,, t~s guy/is good. LENNY: AND NOW, IADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS I LOOK AROUND THE AUDIENON,AI SEE SOMEONE I 'M SURE-IS FAMILIAR TO ~J~ YOU. JACK: (Oh darn it, this always happens.) I~: A GENTLEMAN YOU ALL LOVE AND RESPEOT. JACK: ~'II just take a quick bow and sit do~rn.) LENNY: A GENTLEMAN YOU WELCOME INT0 YOUR HOME EVERY WEEK...YOUR TELEVISION REPAIR MAN, JOE GALLAGHE~. (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) JACK: Hmm. I~%~NY: AND NOW TO CONTINUE WITH OUR SHOW. HERB: (OFF) HEY yOU, DOWN IN FRONT! MARY: Jack, sit down. JACK: Huh?...Gee, I thought sure he was goin6 to introduce me.. Oh well... WB £l'~01 0181348
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(, I~.NNY : JACK: Y~RY : JACK: -17- AND NOU, LADLES AND GENTLEM~, THE h~XT ACT IS A REAL TR~T. ~E HAVE WITH US THE FAMOUB SPORTSM~ QUARTET %~!0 %/ZLL NOW DO A NUMBER D~ICATED TO THEIR BOSS...JACK B~SON. That's Benny ~ ..... P~nson. Jack, the Sportsmen are gonna dedicate their song to you. I know I kno~. ui~ eve~. J ~B ~I~01 01B13~9
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-18- '" mRO) ( QUART: JACK: QUART: JACK: QUf~T: JACK: QUART; JACK: QUART: JACK: wb BLUE ~fES, SMILING AT ME NOTHING BUT BLUE EYES DO I SEE BLUE EYES, NEVER ARE SAD (NEV~ SAD) EE'S THIRTY-NINE BUT ~{E CALL HIM DAD. NEVER SAW A MAIl ALWAYS SO • / L~>~, SA~,: 9h~ ALLL~YS SO T!CF.T / /// W~N HE NEET~ SOME DOUGH ~AT D0h~ }[E DO? HE GOES TO HIS VAULT OR TAKES OFF HIS SHOES, BUT YOU KNOW EOW HAppy WE,LL BE WQR~NG FOB BLUE EYe, ON T.V. LUCKIRS, TRY LUCKIE$ TODAY WHEN YOU START TO pUFF YOU ~LL LIKE 'EM SURE ENOUGH L~JCIIF$, AND YOU WYM~4~F~ ro BETTER TASTING TOO FINE TOBACCO ~Z.~OUGI{ AND T~OUGH. LUCI~ES AkE MILDER ITIS TRUE TAKE A TIP FROM ME LIGHT AN L S M F T. LUCICIES AI~ MADE R[~IITER, TOO. I WOUID REAIZ~y GIVE A DIME JUST TO HAVE AHOT]I~ I~,~. [MORE) P,IRO 1 0181350
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QUART : LUCKY STRIKI~ ARE MADE BETTRE BY FAR NO OT~ BRA~D IS ON A PAR. R~.~RYONE AGR~S, LUCKIE8 ARE BEST. QUALITY k~NS IN E~'Y TEST. SO BLiFE BYF~, WE ~[ANT YOU TO KNOW B&]FORE YOU GO '~G~IF~qT TO BE WITH YOU ON YOUR SHOW. (APPlaUSE) -18A- RE
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¢ -19- RO INE) JACK: "JiT~lat was very good, wasn't it, Mary? ..the ~a~ they sang about me. MARY: Yeah,...~'ell, your eyes al~ beautift~l. JACK: I know...and Joan Crawford didn't even name me in th~ flrst ten....Imagine. DON: I wish the food would get he~e, I'm hungry. JACK: Me too..I wonder what theyqre going to -- Dennis...I~nnis, what are you doing? DENNIS: Shhh...I'm gonna glve Phil a hot foot. JACK: Oh, is he down there alreadyY,,We.ve only been here long enough for one dance and -- EL~A: Oh, Mm. Benny -- JACK: Huh? ELVIA: I had no idea ~ou were here in person until tMe quartet sang that n~mber to you. Would you mind giving me yo~ autogmaph? JACK: My autograph?..Certainly. ELV~A: It's not for me...it's for my sister. JACK: Oh. ELVIA~ She thiP~ks you'r~ wonderful. JACK: She does? ELVIA: That's why I'm getting your autograph fo~ her, i$'ll make her so happy. JACK: Thank you. ELVIA: Personally, I llke Spade Cooley. JACK: Hm. Look, Miss, do you want my autogmaph? WB FI'I" HO ? 018"1352
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/ ELVIA : ELVIA : JACK: ELVIA : JACK: MARy: JACK: ELVIA : JACK: ELVIA : JACK: DON : ~_0%: -20- Me~ I,m getting it for my sister. I know, I know. She thinks yon'r9 the funniest thing on radio• Thank you. All day long she goes around singing that lousy song you wrote. Look, Miss, I didn't send for Non. You came over and asked for my autograph. It's not for %~r, it's for her sister. I know who it's for,..Miss, what's your ~ister's name? Dogaar. You m~an Da~ne~', Don't tell me what my sister looks like. Oh, go away and don't bother me. Hsy~ kids, he~ con~s the food~ that tray. (FADING IN) Just look at the size of One side, please,..step aside, pl~ase...Heads JACK:~,I~, better move over ~ ~/ .... Y~RY:~ACK, LOOK OUT! (SOUND: CRASH OF DISHES, ETC.) JACK: MARY: JACK: MEL : WB Ooooh! Jack...Jack, are you hurt? NO, I'm not hurt, but look at me...my suit is rulned...that ~iter did this on purpose. I did not..you bumped my shoulder and my feet went cut from under me. 111XO I 018'I 3-~3
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NELSON : JACK: ~%50N : JACK: NELSON : JACK : JACK: NELS ON : JACK: NELSON: -21- JACK: Well, it's your own fault for wearing slippery shoes. VmJJ: What shoes?..I'm barefoot. MARY: Barefoot! ME[,: In the sesond show, I do a Hula dance. JACK: What? ~: (SINGS) I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kialakeku Hawaii. JACK: Well, I've had enough of you. I,m gonna call Mr. Lewis. ~L: ~. Lewis ain't here, he Just left. JACK: Well, I,m gonna talk to the Maitre De. Oh, Captain - Captain -- YesBsseB! Are you tb~ Captain? Who do you think I am mixing this salad ..... Caesar? Never mind that. Just look at me...look at my suit... meat and potatoes and gravy all over It. Next,me you come in, we'll give you a bib. I don't need a bib. This waiter s i~ all this food On me. Well, accidents will ~mppen. Accident nothing, he did it on purpose. ~Never mind %~a~...Just look at my suit. ~! You a_~ a mess .... with all that gravy on you .... I'll wipe it off. JACK: Not with a piece of bread! .... For heaven's sake. WB A'I'~O 1 0181354
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~LS~: JACK: NELSON: NELS~: JACK: NEL8~: MARY: JACK: NELS ON : JACK: -22- Captain, just wipe him off %'ith a napkin so we can go home. Certainly. Hold still, Mr. Benny. (SOL~D: SWIPE, SWIPE, ~ That does the coat...Now for the pants. (SOUND: SWIPE, SWIPE,'gW~ Don't forget my shoes. d Oh yes, your shoes. (SOUND: SWIPE, SWIPE, ~W~uE-~- There...Now, C~arlle, hand me the scissors. Scissors! As long as you have tb~t bowl on your head, I might as well give you a hair cut. hai~ cut! ..... That's ridiculous. Mary, keep out of this...Charlle, hand me a magazine. Not too much off the side, Captain. Yes sir. (SOUND: SNIPPING OF SCISSORS) (CONTENTEDLY SINGS) When we are dancing And you're dangerously near me I get ideas, I get ideas. (APPLAUSE & PLAYOFF) \ WB 0181355
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-23- JACK: Ladies ar~ gentlemen, tonight, through carelessness -- a fire could start. Don't let it l~ppen| Be on guard constantly against ripe. Make stu~e every match, every cigarette is put out. Always check the ash trays before lcaviug the house or retiring for the night. Observe all fire regulations. Remember, only xouc~n prevent fires! Thank you. DON: Jac~c will be back in just a moment, but first ...
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TH~ JACK P~NNY PR~RAM OCTObeR 21, 1951 CLOSING 00MMERC~AL ANNCR 2 : SHARBUTT : S}~RBUTT: Ar~CR E: SODND: Lock,as taste better! Yes, Imckies taste better - and one big ~eason they're made better. D~am~slc new proof ha~ just been reve~l~d that proves L~cky Strike I~ the best-mado of the fiv£ principal brand8 of cigarettes~ This is not a c~alm, but a fact verified by leading laboratory consultants of Richmond, Virginia who repo~t-- It is oumconoluslon that Lucky StPike is the best-~do of these five major brands. Signed, Froehling and Robertson. Yes, this authentic new proof sweeps a~ay the smoke screen of claims made for other cigarettes. (TAPE RECORDING PLAYED BACKWARD -- ESTABLISH THE~ FADE OOTU ER) S~RBUTT: So, friends, don't be misled by me~nlngloss cl&~ms.., Remember the facts...remember LS/MFT - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Remember Luckles are ~ad£ better.! Remember - Luckles taste better! A~NCR ~ That,s it~ Be Happy -- Oo Lucky -- because Luckies taste better! OEOH : ( FULL VA~) CHORUS : TC Re Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) RIN01 0181352
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-24- JACK: ~ Sunday is full day on C B.S ..... You~ll heal, such g~,eat comedy shows as Amos 'n' Andy, My Friend Irma, and Our Miss Brooks. And ladies and gentlemen, on my show next week my guests will be Mr. and ~es. Retold Colman... Goodulght, folks. (APPTJqUSE & MUSI0) DON: This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your Hit Parade with Guy Lo~Lbsrdo every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newsp~pe~ for time and station. Stay tuned for the Amos 'n' Andy Show wblch follows ~mmediately....The Jaok Benny Program is heard by ou~ armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. .... THIS IS T}~ C B S , RADIO NLTWORK. BJ A]~01 0181358
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SU,qDAYt A~ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM OCTOBER 2~ 1951 CBS PROGRAM #7 REVISED SCRIPT 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST ~1~0'1 0181359
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THE, JACK BENI~I PROGP~M SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1951 OPENING C0~ERC IAL SHAR~TT: T}~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM -- pPesented by LUCKY STNIE3~.I ~,~%/~TIN : And now, youl, attention, please ... SOUND: (TAPE BEOORDING pLAYED BAOE~ARDS)(5 SECOND ~m, RSION WITH COMPLETE CV9 OFF) SHARBUTT: Words ... pl, omlses ... dou$1e talk ... phl,ases that add up to nothing. Yes, cigarette claims clutter the air~aveD. But how many facts do you hesr. Mighty fewJ But now, this smoke screen of double talk is swept away by facts - for the first time in cigarette hlsto~.~.I SHARBUTT : A month after month continuin~ quality comparison ... based on tests ce~tlfied to be Impartial, fair and identical -- proves by a wlde mar~ Lucky Strike is the best made of the five p~incipal brands of cigarettes~ MARTIN: That's a fact ... a fact verified by Foster D. Snell, Inc. lending laboratory consultants of New York City. They report : SIOXRBUTT: "In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strdke is the best made of the five major brands." MARTIN: Yes, friends, Luckles are made better -- so round, sO firm, SO fully packed, so free and easy on the draw -- ~rlth no ~nnoying loose ends . .. a big reason why Luckies taste botterl TK A~HOI 0181360
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TI~ JACK B~NY PF, OGI~,I OP~ING CO~,~RCIAI, ~CONTID) SHARBUTT: But never forget -- to get better taste you must start vi~h fine tobacco, 8rid LS/MFT -- Luck~ Strike means fine tobBc¢o. The~eTs no 8~bstitute fo~ fine tobacco -- don~t let ~jb~ tell you dlffe~ent; ~tRTIN: .... And don.t be misled by the smoke screen of clgarette claims. Choose your olo~arette on facts. Smoke the clga~ette that tops the five prJnclpal brands for qusllty° ~ Enjoy fine, mild, 6ood tasting tobacco in the ~Igarette thatqs made better -- the cigarette that TABTE$ BETTER - Luck~ Strike. Try a carton today: OROH: (FJLL VAMP) CHORUS: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today.~ (LONG CLOSE) TK A]-~01 0181361
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( -1- " 'FIRST ROOTIh~ (AFTER CO~CIAL ~SIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING J$CK BENNY..WI~I MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROGHESTE~, DENNIS DAy, AND '~OURS TRULY" DON %~LSON. (APPLAUSE..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: AND NOW, LADIE~ AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GO OUT TO JACK BENNY'S C H0~ IN BE~TERLY }~L~. IT'S MORNING..AND ROCHESTER IS RUbbING THE BATH. (SOUND: RUNNING WATER..WA~R STOP..THRE~ FOOTSTEPS.. DOOR OPENS) ROGH: OH, BOSS -- JACK: Yes, Rochester? ROCH : JACK : ROCH: JACK: ROCH : JACK: ~L: JACK: MEL : JACK: F~L : ROGE : MEL: ~ TUB I8 READY.. I hope the ~ater isn,t too hot, OH NO, IT'S JUST RIGHT. I TESTED IT WITH MY ELBOW. Did you put in the lavender bath salts llke I told you to? OH YES, A WHOLE BOX...ANDALZOTWO PACKAGES OF THAT STUFF THAT ~KES BUBBLES. Good good. Come on,Polly, your bath is ready. (SQUAW~B HYSTF~ICAILY) Oh, for heaven sakes, we go through this every time. Co~ on now, Polly, you've got to take your bath. (SQUAWEB AS THOUGH THINKING IT OVER) (COAXING), DaddN had Rochester put Lavender bath salts in It. (SQUAWKS, THINKING IT OV~) (COAXING) AND THAT STUFF THAT MAKES MILLIONS OF BUBBLES. (SQUAWEB: TH~NHING) RT~401 0181362
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JAOK': Well, what do yo~ say? ~L: Uh uh (SQUAWEB AND WHISTLES) JACK: Well, that does it! Rochester, pick up the Cage and brinE it in the bath room. ROCH: YES, SIR. (BOUND: LIGHT SPRING...FOOTSTEPS) MEL: (RYST~RIOALLY) SQUAWK..SQUAWK..~LP..HELP..SQUAWK..SQL~WK. JAOK: Oh, quiet. ~, ~(SOUrO: DO~ OPENS) JACK: * Set t~csge up on the sink, Rochester. EOOH: YES, SIR. (gOURD: OAGE PLACED ON SIRK) JAOK: Now, Polly, Daddy'll open the little doo~ end you dlve ~ght into the tub. (SOUND: SQUEAK OF CAGE DOOR OPENING) (W IMP ) JACK: Polly, stop whimpering and dive already. MEL: (WHIMPER) JACK,- I canrt undemstand it. I thought sure Polly was ov@r ~P fear of water, ROCK: YE~_I ~pECIALLy AFTER ALL THAT MONEY YOU SPENT TAKING HER TO hi PSYOF/ATRIST. JACK: It cost me a fortune. I took Folly to thet psychlatrlstls office every afternoon for two weeks. Maybe I shouldn,t hav~ stopped h~r t~eatmonts,~ /~ ..... ROOH: WELL, WHY DID YOU? JACK: I had to. Nothing looks sillier then a parrot l~Ing on a couch. No~ look, Polly, daddy isn't enemy at you. ~e just wants you to -- AI'ROI 018"1363
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-9- ROCR: QUICK, BGSS, OPEN THE CAGE, POLLY WANTS TO G~T INTO THE TUB. JACK: Well...what brought tbmt about? ROCR: I ~HREW A RUBBR~ DOCK IN THE WATt. JACK: A rubber duck! MEL: (SQUAWKS..WOLF WHISTLE) JACK: Polly! ~ ~,/~,~,,~ _ _ _ ROCK: LRT 'ER IN QUICK, B08S2BEFORE SHE FINDB OUT IT'S A DECOY. JACK: Okay, Polly, okay..hero w~ go. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZ~) ~j,o~___ JACK: You stayhere and fir~tsb batblng Polly#.I ql get the door. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS..FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (SINGS) When you say da da da da duz Da da da da de dum.. .that song I wrote can't miss. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: Coming. / _ (SOUND: ~}~EE FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) DENNIS:a~elIo, Mr. Benny. JACK: Oh, hello, Dennis..Ccme on in. (SOOq~D: DOOR CLO6ES) DENNIS: M~. Benny, what took you so long to 8nswer the door? JACK: Oh, Rochester a~d I were bathing Polly. DENNIS: Gee, not in the bathtub again. JACK: Why not? DENNIS: The last time Fou gave Polly a bath, you pulled the plug, she went do~n the drain, and came out at E1 Segundo. R]~01 0181364
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Yeah, the psychiatrist said that's what gave her the fear of ~ster..Anyway, Dennis, l,m glad you d~opped by besa~se I ~an~ to get your opinion on something. J,,~/~ ~ ~. ~4:~V. ,~X~ • DFI~NIS JACK: Vcll, l've bee~ooking over my song this mo~ning and I thought I1d make a little change. I want it to be perfect. DENNIS: Your sons? JACK: ~lYes..Just listen to the change I bsve in mind and tell me what ~ou think. DENNIS : Okay• JACK: Good..the m~sic is right here on the. ,Hmm. DENNIS: %Tmt's the matter? JACK: My song..it isn't on the piano, .Every tl~ Rocheste~ cleans in hs~e, I can't find anythlng. Now whsre,s my song? DENhqS: Did ~ou look in the garbage disposal? JACK: Don,t be funny. DENNIS : Are you sure your song was hers this morning? JACK: I'm positive. I worked on it about an hour..l romember..it %,~s just before I read the Sunday paper..(CALiS) Oh, Rochester. (SOU~D: DOOR OPENS) RCCK: (OFF) YES, BOSS? JACK: Come here s ~inute. (SO[~ : FEW FOOTSTEPS ) JACK: I can't find my song. DO you know where it is? RCCH : NO, SIR. JACK: ,'#Z~Tbink back...what dis you do this L~orning? ROCH: WELL..I SO0~ BREAKFAST..WASHED THE DIS}~S..CLEAI~ED THE LIVING ROOM..AND AFTER YOb FIN~S~ READING ~ Sb~DAy PAP~, I PUT IT BACK ON ME. COLMAN'S PORCH. £]H01 0181365
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n -5- THEN I CA~ BACK AND }~LP,ED YOU G~I~E-POLLY Gee, I can't understand it. Wall, I better go now. Wait a minute, Donnls. As long as you dropped in, let's hear tho song you're gonna do on the program. Wh~tTs it gonna be? DE~NIS:A~Itrs called "Never" and it's from s ploturo I just finished at Twentieth Century Fox produced by C~orgle dessel. JACK: Oh, whatrs the name Of it? DENNIS: Golden Girl. JACK: Golden Girl, eh? And you're in it? DENNIS: Uh huh. JACK: What part do you play? DENNIS: I don't know, I haven't seen t~ picture yet. JACK: ........... ..~-., ~.~ . tlm bonnls, just sing it, wlll you~ /~-. f DENNIS : Okay. (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS 'S SONG: "NEVER'~ ) (APPLAUSE) JACK: ROUII : JACK : DENNIS : JACK: A]NOI O181366
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~. ~,~ ...........:,.,,=~,< ........ ,, . . ...... . .~ ~ ..... •. ~ ¸.¸¸4 ,,, , .,~ ~ • • -6- (S~3OND ROUTINE) JACK: ~ That was verytl~e~//q)enllis, .excellent. In fact, ~'our vr~ice is getting b~tter and better all the tlme..and you know, someday when you look at ~OUP pay check you may fled a nice~u~--j~,,~L,~,~substantial-- • _ ~ . Words, " ~r" " JACK: ~[h~t ? DENNIS: Vounf veer nouf hunch fluey haunt ~umph. JACK: ~fnat did ~'ou say? D~IN!S~Nothing, I st~allowed m~ gaml. JACK: 0h..Well Dennis, the next time I -- (SOUND: PHONE PANGS) JACK: 0H, ROCHESTER..Never mind. I 'ii get it In the den, (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS..PHONE RINGS.. THREEF00TSTEPS.. RECEIVER uP) JACK: ARTIE: JACK: Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Mr. Kitzel. On, Mr. Kitzel. (APPmGSE) JAOK:/WZ/~Mr. Kitzel, it's Dlce to hear from you. ARTIE: ~i%~nk ~ou, Mr. Benny..the reason I called is I,d like to invite you to a Hallowe'en party at my house. JACK: ~,I'll be glad to come, N~. Kitzel...it seems like you glv~-8~ party every Hallowe'en. j~.~ /, _ ] AETIE:~,Yos, to me this is a day of great sentiment.. ~ ~:ac -~ - Hallowo~on party that I first met my wife. JACK: Really? BB R'f,NO 1 0181362
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ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE:" JACK: ARTIE: JACK: A*qTi~i JACK : ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: AKTIE: (APPLAUSE) -7- Yes~ 8he o6me a8 a witch. A witch~ Oh/a costume party. NO. Mr. Kitzel, you mean-- Unfortunately yes. Oh. Other girls hav~ a dowery, she had a broom. A broom? ............... i ~l-be-hapv~: (IAUGHING) Mr. Kitzel, you're Joking. (LAUGHS) My, (LAUGHINGLY) Thanks for inviting me, Mr. Kitzel...I ,Ii see you Wednesday night. Good..~y don't come too early....You see, as soon as it gets dark, I 'm taking my little boy around the neighborhood to play trick or treat. Oh, that's cute..why dontt ~ou bring him over here, too? No thaok~ to that ritzy neighborhood 1,11 neve~ let him go again. Why not? Last Hallowe'en he went to Beverly Hills, played Trick or Treat, and ho got so much stuff, I couldn't pay the tax on it. Oh..well all right, I'II be over ~ ~t nine o'clock... Ooodb~e, ~ /~ - Goodbye, Mr. Benny° ~S;UND: RECEIVER DO~N) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) BB ~1~01 0181368
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C JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIl,: JACK: P~IL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL:/~ Yeah tell JACK: I will, Phil. her. (SOUND : JACK: COMING. (SOUND : -8- Dennis,ul was just talking to---Oh, hello Phll .... %4hen did you come in? L~. A~¢-~ Just a mIoute ago..4tlbA~wasn't Alice on the phone, was it? No. Well, if Allcs calls, don~t tell her you saw me. Why, what's the matter? I want to~ey till sho cool~ ,?ff. N~ kidding,a&re you in t~ouble. Believe me, Jackson, if I didn.t need the money, I wouldn,t a done it. Phil, what did you do? I played gin rummy with my kids add won forty bt3cks, You..you won forty delia,s playing gin ~u~my wlth ~our children? Idhat a couple of pigeons PIm raisln~. Oh, for heaven sakes. Phil, let ~e -- (SOUND: DOOR BUgEER) Oh-oh..H~y Jackson, if thatls Alice, tell hop I ain't ~et been her~ no time toda?. You aio't yot bead hor~ no time today? 'er .... ~%{ "~ - I may phrase it differently, DOOR BUZZER) THRE~. FOOTSTEPS..D00R OPENS) but I'II Dell BB AYMOI 0181369
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/ DON: ~5 Hello, Jeck. JACK: ~ hello~ Don. -9- the Sportsmen with ~ou/.~ - Well..you've got (SOm~D~R CLOSES) A DON: ~,Jack, there's something I want to talk to you about. JACK: ~l~If it's about Phil, he ain't yet been h~re Do time today.. d~~ ~" JACK: I doil t Mlow.. ,words, words, ...What do you wa~t, Don? C , ~y ~ ~ ~D/- - - - ~ you're going to lov, ~Is'.,~ quartet wants to do a DON : & /~W commercial to that song yom wrote..So if y~f~glve us the copy, the boys will show you what they have in mind'. JACK: Oh, t~fat's wondorful, Don, but this is a fine ti~e for it to happen. DON : Why ? JACK: I lost my song. I can't find it anywhere and it's type only copy l've got...Dennis, are you Iooklog fe~ my song? DENNIS : N o. JACK: The~l what are you doing? DENNIS: I 'm still trying to figure nut what Phll said. JACK: Forget It...Gee, Don, that is a shame. DON: ;~,It certainly is, Jaok...B~t if you haven't got the music, the boys will Just h~ve to do something else. JACK: ¥-e~, I guess so...Nhet else have they got? DON: Well, he~e's one I think you might l~ke...Sing it, boys. BB R]N01 0'18'1320
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QUART. g SOME MEN PLOUGH THE OPEN PLAINS 80~ MEN SAIL THE BRINE BUT I 'M IN LOVE WITH A PRETTY MAID F~d~ IJORK I HAV~ NO TIME. MY TRULY, TRULY FAIR~ TRULY, TRULY FAIR HOW I LO~ MY TRULY FAIN %~HE~RE,'S SONGS TO SING MER TRINKETS TO BRING HER FI~)WERS FOR ~R GOLDEN HAIR SOME MEN WORK TH~ LIVFLONG DAy JUST POR BREAD AND WINE BUT ALL ~ DO IS SING ABOUT THOSE LUCKY ~TRIK~ ~0 FINE. OH LUCKY, DUCKY STRIKE GOOD OLD LUCKY STRIKF TRULy IT'S BEYOND COMPA~ LF~'S LIGHT A LUCKY pURF ON A LUOMY T}~RE 'S NO BETTER ~N~WH~RE. ONCE WE SAII~) FROM BOSTON BAy BOUND FOR SINGAPORE BUT WE FORGOT OUR LUONY STRIK~ SO WE SWAM HACK TO SHORE. OH LUCKY, LUCKY STRIKE, GOOD OLD LUCEX STRIKE. (MO~) BB A]XOJ 018132'!
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UART: BETTER TASTING, TOO ~UoN tD) TRULY SO LISTON, BROkeR THERE IS NO OT~R CIGARRrTE AS GOOD IT'S TRUE D~ 'T BE MISL~3 BY OTHER CLAIMS YOU }{AVE READ JUST BUY A GOOD OLD LUCKY T~ A GOOD OLD LUCKY YOU ~C~NJ ~aKE x LDOKY S~KE. (APPLAUSE) -ii - BB A]~O~ 0181322
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( ENo 20uTi ) -]2- JACK: That's pretty good, Don, ~a~as soon as I find my song, I ~iI let ~ou k~ow, and tho~ Can work On it. I)0~: 0]'~ay, Jack, see ~ou l~to~...Como o~ fellows. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JAOK: How do you like that, Phil...The quartet wants to do my song and I can't flnd it. PHIL: ~I~/W~ ~on,t you forget about being a song writer, J~cksoo? ~q~.ut-lt esou~h that the Maybelllne OompaDy named you 'IBlue Eyes of 1951." JAOK: %;hat ? PHIL: Thatr8 ~hat it said in this mol~nlng.s paper. JACK: Today,s pepor?...Well, this I have to -- Oh..dsrn it, Rochsster has already put the Sunday pape~ bsok On the Colman is porch. (TRANBITI 0N MUSIC) BENITA: RONNIE, OH RONNIE, I~HERE ARE YOU? C01MAN: I 'M HERE IN THE D~, B~ITA. (APPIAUSE) ~2. BENITA: 021, pl~ylng a little soltt&Ire, COLMAN: Yes, and I'vo almost got it boat, too. BENITA: Well~ ~ou won't finish it. C0[MAN: You sald the same thing last night and you were right... How did you know? BB~ITA: The Quoen of Spades is missing.., .You.ll fiod a Dew deck of cards in the-- SNOWDEN: I beg your pardon, Mr. Oolman. BB AIRO'I 0181323
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-13- COLMAN: Yes, Sherwood? C, SN0~EN: I brought in the Sunday paper. COII,IAN Thank you.. Well...let's see what's now... C OIl[AN : BENITA : C OIMAN : BENI TA : COLMAN : BENITA : COIMAN: BENI TA : COLMAN : BENITA : C OL~IAN : BENITA : C OI/,1AN : BENI TA : C 0LMAN : BENITA : (SOUND: RUSTLE OF PAPER) Ah~! Benlta, look at thls..,l was right. What? You %puldn't agree with me when I predicted both these things last week....but I was right all t/le time. Right about what? That Churchill would be elected and Dick Tracy would find Bonny Braids...I wonder what's in the -- Hello, whatls this? What's "~aat? A sheet of music just fell out of the papel,. A sheet of music? Yes...let me see...Hm~m, Itls a song by Jack Benny. J~ck BenDy wrote a song? So it seems. What's the name of it? '~#nen You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Theo I'll Come Back TO You." 0h, I say now, really. ye~,~I'm-afraid, rc~lly...Ltsten to this-- (READS) WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON THEN I'LL C0~IE BACK TO YOU. %ZKSql Y0U ASK ME TO FORGIVE YOU, I'LL RETURN. LIKE THE SWALL0~ AT SERRAN0 RETURN TO CAPISTRANO FOR YOU MY HEART WILL-- RoDnie-- BB RTHO'! 01813;:'4
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COLMAN : ( BENITA : COLMAN: ,- BENITA : COLMAN : . ~ . L.'~,'~O~''~" ~4~" ~, ~,~ ~ '~, . -14 * Ye~? I,m not sure I heard oorrectly..was that --"Like the s~llo~ at Serrsuo return to C~plet~ano?" Thatts what he wrote, that,s what the man wrote, he wrot_~e that~ ...And then it goes: IF YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE SORRY, THEN I WILL UNDERSTAND. ~NEATH THE HARVEST MOON WEtLL PLEDGE our LOVE A W. Bonnie, youlre joking, Benlta I was never more serious or more nauseated in my ife. a o tho re0t of it .... SO MY II&RLING~ T~0UGH WEIVE pARTED~ COME BACK TO WHENCE ~ STARTS. BENITA : WHENCE? COLMAN#~ J&ck h~s a footnote on the bottom, saylng, ~fes# Whenoe, it,s the poetic form of where"....N~let me finish this... SO MY DARLING, THOUGH WEtVE pARTED, COME BACK TO WHENCE WE STARTED, AND SWEETHEART, T~N I~LL COME BACK TO YOU. (AFT~ LONG LONG PAUSE) This is the lousiest thing I've ever heard. BENITA: Bonniel Pleasel DO you have to use that kind of language? RONNIE: What else can I say about it? VR RIM01 01813P5
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-15- BENITE'. Well, you still don't have to use that kind of language... You can ssy it's the most awful thing you ever heard. COLMAN: D~rllng..this is not the most awful thing I ever heard.. this is the lousiest thing I ever heard.. DENITA: Oh, Ronnle. OOLMAN: Imaglne--SO MY DARLING THOUGH WEt~PE pARTED, COME BACK TO WHENCE WE STARTED....I wish he~d bring oum la%-nmower back from whence he got It| .... That m8~l has b~rrowed eve1~thlng.. the lawnmower..the ping-pong table..the garden hose..the v~ouum olee~ler° , BENITA: And the Queen of Spades. OOLMAN: So that.s where it went? BENITA: Uh huh. COLMAN: Benita..why in the name of Ely Culbertson would Benny W BENIAA: Well, it was missing from his deck, and he explained how. You see, be was doing a card trick..Dennls Day picked the -~ ten-of ;a6@~%~..~m. Benny told him to put it where he couldn,t see it..so Dennis ate it. COLMAN: Ah, Dennis Day..l have e great 4~f affectlon for that lad.. I understand he drives Benny crazy. BENITA: But you know, darling..there is one thing thatls rather amazing about Jack. COLMAN: ~%at's that? BENITA: With all the things hers taken from us through the years, not once has he tried to borrow any money. ~R f~ ?,~0 / 0181376
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( -16- O0bb~N: ~e~...mo~ey ~ i~ ~ one thing he doesn't use. BENITA: (AMAZe) He doesn.t use it? What does he do with his money? COLMAN: He gets it, counts it, caresses I$, and buries it. .... Sometimes that Benny gets me so mad that I-- SNOWDBNI I beg your pardon, Sir. COLMAN: 2~i, vhat is it, Sherwood? SNOWD~N: If I'm not intruding, I'd like-to say something about Mr. Benny~ s borrowing. COL$~%N: The floor is yours. With this subject, the more the merrier. SN0~N: Well..do you remember in Septembe~ ~hen he gave that big party at his house and came over and borrowed me? BENITA: Oh yes, Sherwood. You neve~ did tell us about that party. What happened? SNOWDEN: Well, it ~as a ~ather interesting experlence..Especlally Be~ing dinner to Dennis Da~, .fo~ de~e~t, h~ InBisted on pie a la mode..Imagine pie a la mode• BENEgA: Thatls not so odd, Sherwood..here in America lots of people h~ve ice cream on their pie. SNOWDE~: On Chicken Pot Pie? BENITA: 0h. ? SNOWDEN: Strangely enough, that was all he ate. ~--" ,//~ COLMAN: Well, he probably wasn't hungry after eating the ~en, of~ SI~0WDEN: I be~our pa~on, sir? COL~AN. # Nothing, Sherwood...what else happened at the party? ! SNOWDEN: Well, as the evening ~ore on, they played charades, and twenty questlons,,and then ~bout midnight, they all formed ~ circle ~ound Phil Harris. AI'~O'I 0187322
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-I?- COLMAN: Oh..Wh~t sort of game was that? SNOWDEN: No game..they were just trying to determine whether or not he was d ad....Will you be needing me any further, sir? COL~I~N: No,~Sher~6od, you ~ay go. SN~CDE~ : Thank you. (SOU~: DOOR CLOSES. ,THEN RUSTLE OF PAPER) COLMAN: Wh~t are you doing, Benlta? WHEN -¥OU~ABK~RGTVE -yoUT,-~ .~ .RETURN~pe.-eAI~ 0T F~A N g, (SOUND: RUSTLING OF pA2ER) BENITA: ,Say-~Ronnle~m looking at the thatrical section, and theyQ~y g ha~u~..some~,, ~ ~g°°d pictu~es_~_showing. Would you like to go? COLMAN: ~. I don~ t feel llke going out, ~ B~ITA: Okay ..... Hm..one of the neighborhood theatres is showing revival of one of your pictures. C0124AN: (FAST) Where, where, where, when, who, what, where, where? BERITA: (LAUGHING) I was Just teasing you..but I would like to go to the movlss..The theatPe on the corner has ~ double feature. OOLMAN: All right then, let's go. BENITA: Good...And Ronnie, slnoe we,ll be passing Jack's house...let~s return his song to him. ~. VR ~]'~O? O181378
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C -18- COLMAN: Oh yes, yes...I'll get the car out. BENITA: NO, let's walk to the theatre..the fresh air will do us good. COLMAN~t won t hurt his song any, elther...Come on. (SHORT TRANSITION MUSIC) BENITA: (PAUSE)...Ronnle, don't Just stand there, ring the door bell. COLMAN: Oh# all right. (SOU~: DOOR BUZZ~° •PAUSE..THEN DOOR OPENS) JACK: Yes, what ca~ l---Ro~nle, Benlt~ Ill, glad to see you..°. Come on In..Come in. COL~KN: Jack, we didn,t intend to drop in on you, but-- JACK: ~ Don't bother apologizing, come on in. C0~ IN! COLMAN: ~£%7 only dro2ped by to---STOP PULLING, JACK. ~..oh/I'm sorry. BE~ITA: Jack, we only wanted to return your song..we found it in our momnlng paper. JACK: So thatls where it Was....Thank you ever so much, I.m so glad to get it back, COLMAN: JACK : BENITA : COLMAN : JACK: COLMAN : JACK: BENITA : My song? Benita. W~v?? Wl~t?? F , Oh yes,~I ~agine you would b~ glad to get it back, I sure am. Well Jack, we have to be running along-- No no, Rormie, ~ion't go yet. But Jack, we were on our way to see a -- f91 blO '1 0'181329
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C -19- JACK: ~ wontt take no for an answer~.you must oome in and visit.. After all, I h~ven,t seen you for s_~o Io~. COLMAN : SO LONG. (SOUND: DOOR SLAMS) (COLUMN'S WALK AWAY FROM MIKE) Gee, he must have thought I was s~ylng goodbye..I hope ~ JACK: # didn't thlnL~ I ~as trying to get rid of them...Well, anywayS/ I've got my song back... (SYNGS) W~ YOU SAy I BEG YOUR pARDON, T}~N IrLL COME P~CK TO YOU... (MUSIC STARTS AND APPLAUSE) JACK: (OVER MUSIC AND APpLAUSF) WHEN YOU ASK ME TO FORGIVE YOU, I,LL RETURN. VE RTM01 OIB
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-~0- (' JACK:" Ladies and gentlemen, each year fires attack more than a ~' qua~te~ of a million homes, handic~D our defense efforts, and cause mu0h loss of llfe. Most of these fi~es start because someone was careless. Don't let it be o~I Put out all matches and clgarettes before discarding them, dontt smoke in bed, make sure all electrical wi~Ing is properly installed, follow all fire regulatlons. ~e~reful, be cautious - ~ememberJ onl~ ~ can prevent~flresX'~w~r Thank you. (AFPLAUS~) DON~ J~ok ~ill be back in ~u~t ~ moment but first ,,. R]~01 0181381
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/ T}~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, OCT. 28, 1951 CLOSING COM~RC IAL MARTIN: Luckies ......... taste ........ betterJ SHARBUTT: Yes, Luckles taste better -- and one big reason is -- they're made better. Conclusive new proof reveals that Lucky Strike is the best m~de of the fiv__~e principal brands of cigarettes1 Martin; This is not a claim, but ~,~ -- ~erified by leading leboratory consultanbs. Earlier you heard the report of Foster D. Snell, Inc. of New York. Now listen to the report of Froehllng and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia. It is cur conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. Signed Froehling and Robe~tson. F~RTZN: Yes, this authentic ne~ proof sweeps away the smoke screen of empty claims made for other cigarettes .,. double talk like this -- SOUND: (TAPE RECORDING PLAYED BACKWARD5 ... 5 SECONDS AND OUT) SHARBUTT: Words ... empty promises ... don.t be misled by them. Remember the facts. Remember IS/~T -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Remember Luckles are made better. Remember Luckles taste better. ORCH: (FULL V.~IP ) C?DRUS: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Re Happy -- Get better taste Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Str~ke today: (LONG CLOSE) m~ ATH01 0181382
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/ / -21- (TAG') COLMAN:~ Welre lucky, Benita, we got In, just at the break. BF~ITA: Yes..and ~he news reel is Just starting. (BAND PLAYS pARAMOUNT }~RWS TH~) (FILTER) And now for some personalities in the news., we t~ke you first to Beverly Hills to the home of a well-known star who h&~s written a song. JACK: (SINGS) WHEN YOU SAy I BEG YOUR PARDON-- COLMAN: OIl no, no~.Come on, Benlta, let's get out of here. (APPLAUSE MUSIC) DON: Mr. and Mrs. Ronsld Oolman can be heard on their own program, 'rThe Halls Of Ivy" ......... This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to Your Hit Parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station ....... Stay tuned for the Amos ,n, Andy Show which follows immediately..... The Jack Benny Progrsm is heard by our armed fol~ces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service ..... THIS IS THE~ CBS R~I0 NE~0RK. AI~01 018'13B3
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---
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C PRooRAM #8 REVISED SORIPT AMERICAN TOBACC0 COMPANY d THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM S U~I)AY, ~-0VFT~Bm 4, 1951 CB5 ._4.£00-4:~_ PM PST (~Pin~cRn~ - o0~ 18, 1951)
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THE JACK BEN~DI PROGR4M SUND&y, NO'CEI,~ ~ 1951 TB/LNSCRIBn~ OCfOBE~I !8, 195!) • OPENING C0~ROL\I, SHARBUTT: T]~ JACK BENNY PROQP~{ - trenscr~bed - prescntgd by LUCKY STRIKE~ ~V~RTIN: And now, your attention, pl~ase -- SOUND: (TAPE P&OOADING PLAYED BACKWARDS 5 SEC0I~S 0DT) SHARBUTT: Words..promises..double talk..,a continuous stream of empty cigarette claims pours through your ~adio. But now thl8 smoke screen of double talk is swept a,~ay by facts... not claims...facts. Here they are: ~Vd~TIN: A month-after-month continuing quality comparison.. ,based on tests certified to be impartial, feir and identic~l proves -- Lucky Strike -- b~ a ~ide mal~ -- is the best mad~e of ~ii fiv~e ~ brands of oi~rottesl StL~RBU~vf: That's a fac__~t.o.a fact verified by leading laboratomy consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, Inc., of New York City report: ~TIN: In our opinion, the properties measured are all importaot factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best-made of" the flvc major b~ands. SH~RBUTT: Yes, Luckies are ma0e better -- always so r~und, so firm, so fully pacNed, so free and easy on the draw -- with no annoying loose ends to spoil their taste...a big reason why Luckies taste betterl MARTIN: So, when choosing your cigarette don't be mlsled by the smoke screen of claims made by other cigarettes! Remember the facts. Enjoy fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco in the cigarette that's mad___ee better...the cigarette that TASTES BETTER -- LUCKY S'I~IKE' C~t a carton toda$1 '~ ORCH: ~-" CHORUS: Be Happy - C~ LucI~ Go Lucky Strike today~ (LONG 0LOSE) R]R01 0181386
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~~~~ ~.~-~ ~ .~:~ ,I' J 3~<,iJ~ J!t~,~*-~ ...... ~F~ST ROUTINE) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP A~VJ DO~) DON: -I- TH~ LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCH~ST}~q, DENNIS DAY, AND '~f0URS T£ULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND G~TLEMEN, JACK : HOCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: IN A ~"C,: DAYS, ON FRIDAY, NOV~ 9TH, AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA HOTEL IN NAW YORK, eETE FRIARS 0LUB 18 GIVING JACK BENNY A DINN~q TO COMMEMORATE HIS TWENTY YEARS IN RADIO. AS WE LOOK IN ON JACK NOW, HE IS R~SING HIS SPEECH FOR TEE 0CCASION. SO IN CONCLUSION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR THIS GREAT TRIBUTE... There, how did that sound, Rochester? FINE, BOSS, FINE...SAY BOSS, THIS PARTY THEY,RE GIVING YOU... HOW LONG IS IT GONNA LAST? Oh, it,ll start ~bout ~and it should be over by eleven. YOU CALL THAT A PARTY? Rochester...I think that,s long enough for a party...from eight-thlrty to eleven. WITH US, THAT'S KNOWN AS THE CHILDREN'S HOUR. Never mind, just finish my paoklng...And Rochester, while I'm gone, forward all my mall to the Waldorf Astoria. YOU STAYING AT THE WALDORF? Yes. I MADE A RESERVATION FOR YOU AT THE ACME pLAZA. Well, just forget about it. RT~O1 0181382
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HOCH: JACK: ROCH : JA~ : JACK: ROCH: JACK: ~4A~Y : JACK: MARy: JACK: MARy : JACK: JACK: -2- W~, CAN'T, BOSS, krE CAN'T. Why not? TH~'RE HOLDING TWO CLEAN SH~S FOR YOU. w/ Gee, what they won't do for celebrities.~.We better write them a nice note and -- (SOUND: DOOR Euzz~) I'll answer the door, Eochester...you finish packing. YES ~q. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS .... SUSTAIN IN B.O.) (SINGS) So my darling, though ~e've parted, Come back to whence we started. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) W~ENCE ! Yes %q%enoe, itTs the ~oetic form of where. Oh, hello, MarT. Co~]e On In. (SOUND: DOOR OLOSES) Well Jack, l'm all ready, Are you packed? Almost....l would have called you, but l'm so busy with all these Isst minute things.~,.llm nervous, too. Well, I don't blame you for being excited. Jack, I'II bet that banquet will b~wonderful. It should be...Practic~lly everyone in the business will be there...Milton Berle, George Burns, Jesse Block, Fred Allen, Georgie Jessel, and a lot of -- Jack, did they ask Fred Allen to come? Well, Mary, they weren't going to - but I insisted that he be invited. Eddie Cantor, ATN01 0181388
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-3- ~IRY: ~/~ That was nice of you, ~...and I hope you'll forget you~~ silly grudge and t~Ik to him at the banquet. JACK: -~? Mary,~ Allen~oesn,t need conversation, b~ needs food. Believe me... ~[&RY: Well Jack, it should be a nice banquet...especially at the Waldorf...what a~e they gonna serve? JACK: Well, they left that up ~,~ to me...and I old t m I,d llke something I usually eat at home. q.Pheasi~t under gless. v ( AUGHS) What are you laughing at? The closest you've come to pheasant under glass Was when your parrot fell into the fishbowl. JACK: ~ry, don,t be ~Idlculous...I wouldn,t emt Polly. HOCH: ~ BOSS, I SAW YOU PUT H~R IN T}~~ - - JACK: -I- ONLy~'~ i~q .... ~ C',~: TO DRY ~ OFF...Now look, Rochester, if you donlt finish my pecking, ~-~ (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Answer the phone, Will you Mary, please? ~%HY: /~/gure, Jack. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS...RECEIV~ UP) MaRY : Hello. Hello, L v. ~ ~%RY: Oh, ±c that 7cu, ~.hil~ PHIL: Yeah., .but on a Streetcsm I'm called Deslme. MARy: ...Well...that,s what happens when you write your own stuff... What do you want, Phil? PHIL: Is the old me~ around? M~h~Cf: Yes, Jack's sitting in the next ~oom. MARY: JACK: MARy: \: F~ 1/gO 1 0181389
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\ -4- Well, if the phone cord don,t reach, call me back when pHIL : he's closer. MARY: ~Wait a minute, Phll .... ~,ll sall hlm...Jack, Iris Phil. JACK: THANKS, MARY. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS) JACK: He~IHe Io, Phil. PHIL: ~Ja2kson, I just hadda call you...I thought of the g~eatest joke~you ever heard in your life. JACK: Look, Phil - PHIL:~/, Ask me why glrls who llve in the Rocki~ ~on,t take sun baths. JACK.//~/ For heevenis sakes Phi • , i, I haven,t time for that corny stuff...I,m packing for my trip to New York...In case ~ou don't know it, The Friars are giving me a te~timonlal dinner there. PHIL: So what? My orchestra is giving me a testimonial next week. ...I almost crie~rwhe they gave me my gift• JACK: They gave eady? What is it? PHIL: A baton with a cork screw on the e.n6 of ~t.•. JACK: Gosh. PHIL. ~Y~ I got a little deal with the attar, get, from now on he's writing in nothing but up-beats. JACK: Look, Phll-- PHIL: Too bad you can,t be there, Jackson. You're gonna miss my speech• JACK: 0b~are you going to make a speech, too? - PHIL: ~aa...~ow do~this sound? Guests...friends...fellow d musicians...and policemen. ~ql RO'l 018~1390
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~. • JACK : PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: DF2~NIS: JACK: JACK: D~NIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: D~NI8: -5- ~'they Ii be there, they,ll be the~e. ~ound~/~o be...Look, Phil, I'd like to stand here and talk to v you about your soiree, but I have to finish packing...So long. Wait a minute, Jaokson, wait a minute...I want you to hear that joke ~ called about...ask me why gi~Is who llve in the Rookies won't take sun baths. All right, Phil...why won't girls who llve in the Rookies -- (sounD: DOOR BUZZER) Rochester...ROC~BT~...Oh, for...Ju~t a minute, Phil, I better answer the door. (SOUND: FOOTSTE?S..SUSTAIN IN L,G.) It never fails, whenever I~m in a hurry, there's a million interruptions and -- (sOUND: DOOR OPENS) Oh hello, Dennis. Hello. Come on in, kid. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) Well, Dennis, I suppose you came over to s~y goodbye. Yeah, how did you know I was going away? Oh, are you going ~way too? Uh huh. AS long as I have a few days off, I thought I'd go to Waxahachie, Texas. Oh, are you going there on business? No. ~,T.~01 0181391
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-6- • ~' JACK: - Oh, then you h~ve frie~s there. C~ DENNIS: No. JACK: Relatives? DENNIS: No. JACK: ...Rochester, be sure to pack my tuxedo. 1,11 need it for the banquet. ROCH: YES S~. MAEy: Dennis, if you're not goi on business, OK-- JACK: Ma~y, don't get into this.~We're stetting on a trip. Letls Be Happy, Go Lucky. MARY: Jack, I've got to ask hlm...Dennis if you're not going on business...and you have no friends or relatives there, why are you going to Waxahachle? DENNIS: The name fascinates me. JACK: Well Dennis, for you, that,s a good reason...I remember once you went to Philadelphia because you~ mother wanted cream ch£.ese. MAEY: Dennis, how a~e you going to Waxah&ohi.-.~ 5" train? DENNIS: No, I'm going to fl~. JACK: Oh, you're flylng...Wh~t plane are you going to take? DENNIS: No plane, I need the exercise...(PAUSE) One, two, three, four, five, six-- MARY: Dennis, what ame you doing? DENNIS: I'm counting up to ten for him, hels so mad he can,t talk. A]~OI 0181392
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(~ DENNIg : Well, m~be ~ou oughta do ~ou~ song. Yeah...I think Itll -- Gee, out...I better sing. JACK./~ I'll s~ you better. (APPLAUSE) (DENNISIS SONG--"CAL~0RN~M00N") (APPLAUSE) -7- look at the way his eyes stick AI"~O~ 0181393
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( -B- JACK: Gemtls, that was beautlfu~W..It's amazing. . .When you talk to me, I get so mad...then when you sing, it's the most wonderful thing in the ~.~tf~ - (SOUND: LOUD DOOR SLAMS) JACK: Hmmm. MARy: Jack, he went out. JACK: No, he walked into the closet...Lock it~) Mary. MARY: (LAUGHINGLY) Well, I better be ru~mlug along to, Jack. JACK: Okay, Mary...I,m sorry we're not going on the same plane. ~RY: Well, I can,t go till Tuesday, but I'll see you in New York. JACK: Yeah....Come here and ~ kiss~goodbye. MARY: Okay. (MARy AND JACK GO ~NTO A T~RIFIS, LONG EXSS) MARY: "-~ ~^^~" ~'~ ..... ~^~ n~w and Gee, look at the way b-Is eyes Stick out. JACK: They'll be a/l right by the time I get to New York .... Goodbye, Mary. ~RY: Goodbye, Doll. (SCOLD: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) JACK: Gee, she called me Doll...Now let's see...what was I doing? ROCH: SAY BOSS., .D0 YOU WANNA TA~ yOUR VIOLIN ALONG ~N THE TRIP? JACK: ~ "~ay, maybe I better. 4~-~ to appear on tb~ Lucky Strike /~e$~-- program "This Is Show Business" and they'll probably ask me to pla~ ROCK : -~L%T .............................................. Wb T;qO I O'I 8 "139,$
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JACK: JACK: ROCK: JESSEL: ROCH: Look Rochester, yo~ don't have to -- Oh no! Answer~, will you please? YES, BOSS. (SOUND: SEV2~RAL FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) i- ~ello Rochester, is Mr. Benny in? XEAH, COMS RIGHT IN...(CALI~) BO~B, IT'S ~EL. (APPLAUSE) JACK'~/~, Georgie, nice to see you. • .what are you doing hare? JF~SEL: Well, I had a few minutes between banquets a~ I thought I'd drop by. JACK| WOIIj ~ a pleasant surpplse .... I didnlt expect to see you ti~l wc got to Now YO~ko 5: Well, I'm not leaving till Wednesday night. You see, Da~r~l Zanock is having a pa~ty tomox~ow DA I there. JACK: Oh, t~t. JF~S~: Didn't you I was to Mr. Zanuok)s psmty? JACK: No. JESSEL:}{e promised one white aprons. JACK: Oeorgle .... ; JESSEL: Yep, N~ber Fo~,. JACK: remember when I vent through all Jack Wa~ne~....Boy, does ~ llke a sharp crease in has (k JESS~L: wb Well Jack, dinner. I had a reason....l,ve been thinking about your I~T>407 0~18'1295
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-I0- _ - L/ " 2 of speech, it might be a lot nicer if l told them the story of your life. JACK: Say, that.s a pretty good idea. Do you want me to write it? No I wrot t myself, and I want your approval on it. JACK: O~.~.well ~6ah~ad...let's hear it. ~ JESSEL: Okay,...Now after the prellm~nary speeches are over, the lights will dim down, ~ stand up and there will be a ~ig fanfare, (BAND GIVES FANFARE) JESSEL: lADIES AND GENTLE~N...OUR STORYORYS~S ARTS WITH THE BIRTH OF JACK BENNY, IN THE YEAR 1894 ~RTY NINE yEARS AGO...IT HAPPENED IN THE LITTLE TOWN OF WAUKEGAN, ILLINOIS....THE PROUD PARENTS GAZED WITH DELIGHT ON THE BLUE-EYED BABY, AND IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT JACK BENNY.B VOICE WAS }IEAPJ) FOR ~iE FIRST TIME. ~: (BABY CRIES) BEAt Look at him, Papa, he's so cute. KEARNS: Yes....we.ll call ~m Jackie. BEAt Doctor, I want to ask you something..,Oh, I know all parents think their children are ~usual..but honestly, Doctor, Isn.t our Jaekle different from most babies? NELSON: Ooooooooh, is hel BEAt Look at little Jackie, Papa...he's got you~ mouth KEARNS: And he,s got your nose. BEAt And he's got your eyes. wb fqTMO 1 01 8 "1L:~9 6
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f ", EEARNS : \ BEA: NELSON: MEL: BHA: NF/~0N : KEARNS : NEL~ ON : I~RNS: J~SEL: MEL: JESSEL: -ll- And he,s got youP eaPs. And look at his hair. That's mine, it slipped off. (CRIES) There there, Jackle, q~let now. Now ~. Benny, about my fee - Don,t ~orry, Doctor, just mall your bill, and my son Jackie ~ill send you a check. Thank you very -- wait a mlnute...your son here...Jackie... he's only a few minutes old...how can he send me a cb~ck? I don't know how he did it, but he already saved eight hundred dollars. (COOS HAPPILY) AND SO THELITTLEBABYBEGAN TO GROW AND~BAPIDPROGRR~S... AT THE AGE OF SIX MONTHS HE ASTOUNDED I~ICAL SCIENCE BECAUSE HAD THIRTY-TW0 TEETH...ALL UPpERS..~jBUT JACEIE WAS A HAPPy LITTLE CHILD .... AND ALL DAy LONG HE USED TO SIT IN HIS CRIB PLAyING WITH ~S TOYS. (SOUND: CASH REGISTEr) (GURGLES HAPPILY) AS HE GHEW OLDER, HIS PARENTS GAVE HIM EVERYTHING HE WA~TED. BUT JACHIE WASN'T AN ONLY CHII~...HE HAD A yOUNGER SISTER NAMED FLORENCE...TODAY HE HAS AN OLD~ SIBT~ NA~D FLCSENOE. ~ ° ..... THE YEARS PASSED AND FINALLY JACEIE ENTERED SCHOOL .... AS A STUDENT ~ WAS EXCEPTIONALLY BRIGHT. PARTIC~Y IN ARIThmeTIC. wb R],.~01 0181392
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(" -12- BL~,NCI{E: And now for the next quostlon, I will call on Jackle Benny. K~RRy : Yes, teacher. BLANC}~: Now Jackie, if you loaned ten dollars to Albert and five dollars to Irving and fifteen dollars to Tommy...and they ell paid ~Tou back at once, how much money would you have? HARRY: Thlrty-one dollsrs. BLANCHE: I'm sorry, Jackie...but the correct answer i% thirt~z dollars. HARRY: ~at about the interest? BLANCHE; Oh yes, I forgot...And that reminds me, Jackie...I,ll pay you tk~ money I owe you Friday. HARRY~od~ good...tb~n I'll give you back your wrist watch! JESSEL: IT WAS EASY TO SEE THAT TH~ZE WAS S~THING ABOUT JAOKIE THAT WAS DIFFERENT FROM OT~R BOYS ..... IN HIS CLASS THERE WAS ONE LITTLE BOY WHO LIVED NEAR THE STOOKyARD8...THERE WAg ANOE{ER WHOSE'HOME WAS ABOVE A LIVERy STABLE...AND STILL ANOTHER WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR TO A GLUE FACTORy..;~ET JAGKIE FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS HE TOOK VIOLIN LESSONS REGULARLY. JACK: (PLAYS VIOLIN EXERCISES....HITS CLINKER) MEL: NO no no...how many times must I tell you...smoothl~... smootb/y~... HARRY: I 'm sorry. M~: Play it again., only this tlme hold the bow with one hg~d, you'~e not Ty Oobb. }5~RRy : I'll try. ~L: ~ot today...ze lesson, she is over... wb AIM01 0181398
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HARRy: NF~: JESSEL : MEL: JESSEL: ' MEL: JESSEL: ~L: JESSEL : SEA: JOHNNY: EFARNS : I~RNS : SEA: NELSON : SEA: JACK: 4. wb -13- Oh...well, goodbye, Professor. Wait...you did not pay me. Huh? Mo~sleu1" Benny, I want my money. BUT JACK WAS P~SISTENT ABOUT HIS VIOLIN PLAYING AND HE TOOK I~SSONS...YEAR -- Monsle~r ~ny, my money. AFTER YEAR .... Monsieu~ Benny, ~y money. AFTER YEAR. (ORYING) Please, Monsieur Benny, my money. FINAL[X CAME ~LE ~Ay OF HIS GRADUATION FROM ELEMENTARy SCHOOL. ~..IT WAS A PROUD MOMENT FOR JACK AND SIS PARENTS...THAT WAS ~ m~ ~T ~ Pu~ ON ~s FI~T PAIR OF LONe PA~TS... ~7_~O~D ~ OF B~ O~ ~IS D~P~S...AS ME WAS -P~ TO LEAVE THE EOUBE, HIS pARENTS, LOOEED AT ~IM PROUDLY AND SAID: Jackle, we're proud of you. Thanks, Mother, and I~m so excited. Look at b~m, )~a, doesn't he look handsome? Be should look handsome..he's got you~ mouth. And he!s got your nose. And ha's got your eyes. And he's still got my hair. ~2 You'll get it, you'll get it, let him graduate flrst...And /~/~ we want to get there early, he's gonna play a violin sole. (P~YS END OF "LOVE IN BLOOM") ~]~0| 0181399
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-14- ~Tlends, relatives, teachers, and fellow graduates. Your klnd reception to my ~lusioal offering has filled my little heart with joy. But I don~t deserve all this applause alone.. Some of the glory must be shared by my music teacher...that wonderful man...that brilliant genims...that great -- M~,: (SCREAMING) NEVER MIND THE COMPLIMENTS, I WANT MY MONEY~ JESSEL: JACK BENNY.S SCHOOLING A~D ~IOLIN STUDY WAS INTerRUPTED BY ,/ WORLD WAR ONE WHEN }~ ENTERED ~ ARMED ~0RCES..HE WAS REALL~ ~ AD TO YOUNG TO GO, BUT HIS FATHER WAS ON--DRAFT BOARD... N SO, EARLy IN 1917, WE FIND JAC~I~G~ A BOY, BUT A MAN, READY TO ENTER ~E NAVY. JACK: Goodbye, Papa. ~RNS:~G°' already. ~ JESSEL: ~ T}~ W~.R~0~ER, JACK ~T }DME BUT HIS pARENTS HAD ~DVED...SO HE DECID~ ON VAUDEVILLE AS A CA}~ER... ~ wB AT~Oi 0'18'1400
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JESSEL- (cuN, ) JACK: JESSEL: jACK: JESSEL: JACK: JESSEL: JAOK: DON: JACK: DON : JACK: DON: -15- IT WAS ABOUT THIS TIME THAT ~a~y CHANGES TOOK pLACE IN T~ EI~TE~TAINME?~ WORLD..NEff INNOVATIONS HAD COME ALONG...~g RADIO...TALKING PIC~JMES...AND IN ONE PICTURE, C~ "LUCKY BOY"...A HANDSO~ yOUNG LF~DING MAN NAMED, GEORGIE JESSEL SCORED AN IMmeDIATE SMASH HIT ~ ME SANG-- ( SINGS ) 0NE BRIG}~ AND GUIDING LIG~I' ~.' ~J~" T}L~T TAUGHT ME %~0NG FROM RIGHT I FOUND ~ MY MOTHER'S EYES. (SOTTC) ~JY~t ? /.Z-~. (SI]~OS) TPDSE FAIRY T~J~S SME TOID I FOUND IN ~X ..... GEORGIE, ME, ME,..4MY LIFE STORY, ~'~, sorry...WITH T~ ADVENT OF RADIO, M~N~ NEW STARS WERE MADE OVERNIG}~...AND ONE OF THE BRIGHTEST WAS T}~ MAN WAD AINAYS OPENED HIS S}DW WITH -- Hello egain. FROM T~SS ME BEOAN~, A STAR.r ..... WHS~ JACK REALIZED THAT }~ WAS A BIG }~T ~ RADIO, ME DECIDED TO GET HIS OWN pROGRAM FIRST HE LOOKED 9~OR AN ANNOUNCER. HE DID~IT HAVE TO LOOK FAR IECAUSE DON WILSON WAS EVE~HEME . So you want to be a radio announcer, eh? Yes, si~. Have you had any experience? A little. // ~<ell, before I hire you. I,d like ~e audit~on~. Yes, sir...listen to thls..L S, M F T ..L S, M F T..LUCMY STRIKE MEANS FINE TOBACCO... B.I 8"1" HO '1 0181401
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JACK: DOE : -16- Vorq good. 7/-~/,/h.~".~_ FR3~NDS, WE SAY, ~UCKIES TAS~ BETTER THAN ANY OTDOR CIGARETte:" -- AND YOU HAVE A FERFECT RIGHT TO ENOW WHY WE ~ THAT STATEMF/VY. JACK: x Certaihly, ~ do. DON: SO DORE ARE TDO FACTS..TDO TASTE OF ANYTHING DEPENDS ON TWO THINGS. --FIRST, WHAT IT,S MADE OF, SECOND, }DW ITTS PUT TOGETDOR. JACK: Well, tlmtls logicsl. DON : NOW, TO GET BETYER TASTE IN A CIGARETTEt YOU MUST BEGIN WIq H FINE TOBACCO. FOR FINE TOBACCO. JACK: ~7, I won'% I won,t.~ i T~T 'S RIGHP, TI~DO'S NO SUBSTITUTE - -AND DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT. And take your knee out of my stomach. DON: SO..LS/MFT...YES, LUCKY STRIKE ~ANS FINE TOBACCO. ~SSEL: ~0 DON WILSON WAS HIE~D...EVL~ T}DUGH AT THAT TIME JACK WAS ON FOR JELLO ..... ONE OF TDO FDOSDOST THINGS ABOUT JACK,S SPDW WAS TDO ~]~ TAL~T DO ALWAYS FOUND FOR IT .... AND DO USUALLY FE~T TDOSE SUPPORTING pLAYeRS ON irYC F~i0 9B@g~@~4--TN UNUSUAL pLACES...FOR INSTANCE, ONE D.~Y, WHILE DO WAS ~H)PPING --- JACK: Oh Miss, do you have dental floss? MA~Y: Yes, the May Company has everything..and..ssy, you have all uppers, haven,t you? JACK: Hey, you notice everythlug ... You,re pretty cute.. hew about having dinner with me tonight? ~LRy: I'm sorry, but I never let strangers buy me dinner. JACK: Good, good...you,re my type. R],~O! 0181402
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MARY: ~L -17- Look, Mister, you better stop annoying me. . (OFF STAGE..NOT SEEN BY AUDIENCE..DEEP VOICE) Hey Mary, you want me to come over there and puhch him in the nose? (UP) It's all right, Babe, I can handle him myself. YES~jTHAT WAS HOW JACK FIRST MET MARY LIVINGETONE . .HE TOOK . ~R A~[AY FROM T~E MAY COMPANY AND MADE Hh~ A STAR...THEN 0HE DAY JACK WAS CR0~SING VINE BTRE~, EE STEP~ OFF T}~ CURB, AND--- (SOUND: TRIPPI~G NOISE) JAOK: Ooops, sopry, I almost tripped ovor you...I didn't see you. PHIL: ~ dld~It ~ee you either, I was faoe down. W JESSEL:~ E~pH/L HARRIS #a~$~ JOI~D T~ SHOW,..NOW THAT JACK HAD AH ORCHESTRA, HE NE~ED A SIN~R, AND HE ALDITIONED DOZE~ 0P T~M...ONE DAY HE LYZTENED TO A ~$fCO~R...A SHY, APPLE C=EK~L~A~ WITH T~ ~ACE OF A C~ERUB AND A ~AU~I~UL VOINE.., // WHEN HE ~NISH~D SINGING, JACK SAID... JACK: So your name is Dennis D~y? DENT,S: Yeah, you w~nna ~ke so~ethln~ out of it? JACK : Hnmm. JESSEE: JACK }LG~ED THIS TALEETED YOUNG TENOR . .AND AFTER FOUR OR \ FIVE YEARS, WITH NO Ob~'SID~ HELP, }~ ALMOST DROVE JACK NL~S.~ WITH HIS CAST COmpLETED, JACK ~CIDF~ TO MOVE IETO A ~%' HOUSE IN BEVERLY ~ WITH HIS FAIT}~UL VALET, R00}~STER. (SOU~D: DOOR OPENS) BOSS, THIS HOUSE IS SURE BEAUTIFUL. Yes, it is, Rochester. . ,but you Inaow, I've been thiDklng. AROOT WHAT? Well...~ house Isn't really a home without a woman. JESSEL: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: wb ~1M01 0181403
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• ~" ROCH:" C~' JACK: JESBEL: D~NI8: JESSEL : -18- WANT ME, TO GET MARRIED? Never ~ind. AND B0 JACK ~DVED INTO• HIS NEW hoME IN WHICH }~ STILL RESIDES...THE ~DUSE W~ LOCATED IN BEVERLY HILLS. T}~ DAY 1~ ND~D IN, ~X$ NEXT DOOR NEIG~OR EXCLAIMED~ ~ ~# y~y (AS COI~J~N) About the fence, Benlta, do you ~h~wonty feet will be high e~0ugh? ~A¢~+L~ ,~ ~,~.~. - AND SO,~LADI~S A}D G~TL~MEN...THAT BRINGS US UP TO THE pRESENT. ° .}~ AT JACK'S TESTI~DNIAL DINNER...AND WHILE WE HAVE EIDD~ HIM TONIG~ ABOUT THOSE VARIOUS CHARACTERISTICS HE HAS ASSUMED ON" HIS RADIO PROGRAMS M~HELY ~,~ ~,~,~.~,~.~I THANK YOU..,Well,/~na~.s the ~peech, ~... how do you llke it? BJ t1 l}fO 1 0181404
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C -19- JACK: (~t2~OST CI~/TNG)f It ........... ~-, ~n ...... ~ .... J1. /J r~ S d T-^~. ",T ..... ~hSSEL: ,I r: o gla you like Lt, ........... ,~ botts, be running along.. I'll sec you in New YoI'k, JACK: So long, Goorgle. JESSe: So long, Jack. .... i ]: (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) JACK: (CALLS)~H~vo you got the bags all packed, Rochester? ROCH: YES SIR. JACK: %fell, Fo[l o&n take them out to the airport oow, and I'll meet ~o~ out i.here as soon as I flni~h my television show. ROCH: SAY, THAT,S RIGHT, THAT IS TONI(~T, ISN'T IT, BOSS? JACK: 0ortalnly, I go on in a couplo of mlnutes. ROCH : OKAy BOSS, I rLL TAKE THE--WAIT A MINUTE..WHAT rS THE RECF-/VER DOING OFF THE PHONE? JACK: Huh? Oh my goodness...I was telklng to Phll and I told him to hold the wlre...I wonder If-- (SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Hello, Phil, are you still there? PHIL: Ye~il, go ahead, Jackson, ask me;/~~ ~4- - ,~-- .'~,~_ / 8TR01 0'181405
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JACK: C' Okay*7.why won't the girls who llve in the Rookies take sun baths ? PHIL: Because ~th Mountain..Peeks... HA HA HA .0 HARP/S YOU MAY HAV~,%tAI'I~t~" TWENTY NINU~ BUT (SOUND: REOEIVER S~ DOWN) JACK: Come, Rochester, let's go. (APPLAUSE AND PLAyOFF) R'f ~01 0181406
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New York, New York. Thank you. r (APP~USE) DON: the Americen Jack will be back In just a moment, bot first .... should be made For further 133 Esst R'I~O 1 018'1402
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TI~ JAOK BT£~ PHOGP_~4 SUNDAy, NOVEI~E~ }[. i~I 19j j (TRANSCRIBe) OC~OS~]I, !U~ "" ~ CLOSING CO~OIAL MARTIN: SH~//BUTT : ~%RTIN: SObk~ : SHARBUIT : OHCH: CHORUS : LUCKIES ..... TASTE ..... BETTF~ yes, ]~ckies ~aste be~ter - and one big reason is - they're made better. Ooncluslve new proof reveals that Lucky Strike is the best-made of all five principal bpands of clgamette s This is not a 01alm, but a fact - veri1'led by leadin~ laboratory consultants. Earlier you heard the report of Foste~ D. Snell, Ino, of NeW York. Now listen to the report of Froehling and Robortson of Richmond, Virglnla. It ~s ou~ conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. yes, this authentic ~ew proof sweeps away the smoke Bore6~ of empty claims made for otbem cigarettes...double talk llke this -- (TAPE RECORDING pIA~ BAO~ARDS - 5 SECO~)S AND ODT) Wor.ds...empty promlses...don't be misled by them. Remember the facts. Remember LS/M~T -- Lucky Str~ke means Sine tobacco. Remember Luokles are made bottem. Rem%mbem Luokles taste better~ Be Happy - GO Lucky Be Happy - Get Better Taste Be Happy - Go Luck~ Co Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) R1~01 0181~08
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(TAG) JA0~: La $~ arid g~ntlgmen, in Just a few minutes when thi~ program goes off the air, those of you who haven't had enough of me can see me on television...So I'll se~ you in a few minutes .... Goodnight folks. (APPLAUSE AND ~SIC) f, J~ DON: This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your Hit Parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursdgy night, presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station...The Jack Benny program is heard by our Armed Forces oversea~ through the facilities of the -z rmed. rc~ ~ Radio~ervice ..... ~£z~T~rri~..,.. T~ZS mS THE ~#S...R~5IO...NETWORK. ~INOI 0'181409
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-r PROGRAM #9 REVISED SCRIPT (~-, AMF2ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BF/~NY PROGRAM SUNDAY, NOVEMBER II, 1951 CBS 4:00-4:30 PM PST. (TRANSCRIB~ OCTOBER ~5, 1951) ATe01 0'18~410
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~,: i z~ ~; ~5~! ~:,~ ~:~V;~'" ~ ~,-.,:~, ~.. ~ ~-~ ,,;~? L.~- .,~H.~2~,~ n~ THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, NOVE~B~q Ii, 1951 (TAPED OCT. 25, 1951) OPENING C0~ROIAL ~" SHARBU~T: THE JACK BENNY pROGRAM -- transcribed -- presented by (~'i LUCKY STRIKE ~ MARTIN: And now, youl, attention, please -- BOUND: (TAPE RECORDING PLAY~ BACKWARDS. 5 SECONDS. OUT) SHARBUTT: Double-talk ... words about noses ... words about throats... empty p~ondses ... cigarette advertislng is filled with them. But now this smoke screen of double talk is swept ~wa~ by facts ... not el~ims ... fcts. Here they are ... MARTIN: A month-after-month cigarette quality eomp~rlson ... based on tests certified to be impartial, fair and identical proves -- Lucky Strike -- by s wide mar~in - is the best made of all five principal brands of cisarettes. SHARBUTT: That's a fac___~t ... a fact verified by leading laboratory consultants. FO~ example, Foster D. Snell, Inc., of New York City report. ~ARTIN: In o~ opinion, the properties measured ~re all important f~etors affecting the taste of clgGrette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best-~ade of the five major brands. SHARBUTT: Yes, Luckies are made better -- always so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free ~ad easy on the draw -- with no annoying loose ends to spoil their taste ... a big reason why Luckies taste better -- MARTIN: SO when choosing your cigarette don't be misled by the smoke screen of claims made by other cigarettes. Remember the facts. Enjoy fine, mild, gocd-tasting tobacco in the ~ cigarette that's made better , the c~garette that tastes better -- Lucky Strike! Get a carton tod~y! OROH: (FULL VAMP) CHORUS: Be H~ppy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike tod~y' (LONG CLOSE) ATNO? 0181411
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,/ "( FIRST ROUTINE) (A~T~ COMMERCIAl,, DON : MUSIC UP AND DOWN) THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM BTARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCH]~STER, DENNIS DAY, A~ 'YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: IADIE5 AND GENTLEMEN, LAST FRID~X NIGHT, THE EMf~TAINMENT WORLD HONORED JACK BENNY'B TW~ YEARS ON RADIO WITH A BANQUET AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA IN NEW YORK. SO NOW, LET ' S LOOK IN ON THE SUPER CHIEf, WH~ WE FIND JACK AND THE p- GANG SPEWING BACK TO HOLLYWOOD. (SOUND: TRAIN WHYS...TRAIN WHISTLE...TRAIN WHEELs FADE) JACK: Hmm, I can't understand it. (SOUND: RUSTLE OF pAPER) JACK: Nothing in Leuella Parson,8 column about the testi~oalal dinner they gave me..o Oh Mary, you've got the other Los ~geles papers...Is there anything ~n Hedda ~opper's column? MARy: Yes, but not about ~ou. JACK: I cen~t understand it, I always say nice things about her hats...Oh well... (SOUND: RUSTLE OF pAPER) MARY: BAY DON, LOOK AT ALL THESE ACTION pICTURES ON THE NOTE DAME - MICHIGAN STATE FOOTBALL GAME. DON: YEAH.. LOOK AT THAT SHOE STRING TACKLE. MARY: GEE, EVERYBODY,S TALKING ABOHT THAT GAI4E. A]~01 0"181412
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" JACK: Hmm, nothing about me ~n Bid Skolsky,s column...nor Sheli~ Grahm,s either. (BOUND: RUSTLE OF pAPF~) MARY: Oh Jack, herets sometb/ng In HsrrIson Carrollls column. JACK: WHERE ~E...WHAT WHAT WHAT...WHERE WHEEE...WH~E IS MARY: I'll glve it to you, get up off your knees. JACK: Oh, Itm sorry...What does it say? MARY: It says...'~HAT RADIO COMEDIKN, WHO IS HEARD 0NW~AT NIGHT, FOR WHAT SPONSOR, IS HAVINGWHAT TROUBLE WITH HIS WH0?... AND HOWZ" JACK: Hmm, I wonder who that can be? MARY: Bounds like what,s-hls-name. ~#~ .~ JACK: Maybej I never ever thou~h~ ~£ hlm...~- (3ou : BUSTLE oPJ m) / JACK: ~/. ~...Here's somethln6 about ~e in Jimmy Sts#r,s column... / "AT THE MOCAMBO LAST NIGHT, GARY COSP~ WAS SEEN DOING T~ P~3MBA WITH THE SHAPELy JACK B~Y.'t ...Well, thatls the silliest thing Itve ever heard, I ~8n,t even there. MARy: Let's see that. JACK: Here...Imaglne, shapely Jack Benny. ~A~Y: Thstts Joan Bennett, put on ~our ~lasses. JACK: Oh yes.. Gee, I can,t get over It...not one item ~bout my banquet. I don't mind for myself, but t~hey must be sizzling at the Waldorf. r~T HO 1 0'1814"13
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DoN: (, JACK: JACK: MARY : DON : MARY: -3- Don't worry, Jack, somebody'll mention it. Anyway, you should feel proud. The Frls2s really gave you a wonderful banquet. You said it, Don. I've been to thousands of dinners given to personalities and oelebritles...but I don't know, there was something dlfferentabout this one. yeah, it's the first tlme the guest of honor did the catering. ~I I did not...only the French Pastry. JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARy: JACK: DON: ( UGHS) What are you laughing at, Ma~y? When Georgle Jessel Introduoed Jack, they had to page him in the kitchen. - __~ Mary, I Just stepped in to check-my cream puffQ, he would pick that time to introduce me... Anyway, Mary you had a good time. ~.I certainly did, Jaok...And so dld my sister, Babe. With all those celebrities there, she va~n~r glory. Mary, I Wanted to talk to you about that. From now on, when Babe goes to one of these blg affairs, you.ll have to tell her. Tell her wh~t? She's there to wrestle, not to mingle wlth the guests. Oh, stop. what's that you're re Ing? . , .. ~ is a book about // This T~aud to Video" by Abel Green and Joe L~urie Junior. R'IH01 0181414
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.? JACK: Oh yes.. I read it and it,s wonderful/, The authors ~ sent me an ~utographed Copy. ~Y: Oh, how nice.. Jack, would you lend It to me? JACK: I wish you,d asked ~e Sooner, I sold it...Don, hand me the rest of those papers. (SOUND TRAIN WHISTLE AND WH~LS UP AND DOWN) JESTS]q: Say ~Icolm, Malcolm-- ROY: What is it, Jerome? JEST~q: You see these shoes I'm shisin~ • ROY: Yeah... who they belong to? J~TER: You know...that elderly gentleman in Lower Eight. ROY: Lower EIN~t.~.Th~'~ Mr. Benny. JESTS: Jack Benny?...Doggone, I,d never recognize him...He looks younger on television. ROYi Well, tY~)se make-up men h~ve ~ way of takin' the wea___~rr and teaP off of ye, / JESTS: A_-mazlnsl gWel~at ~bout Mr. Benny,s hair?...In television it~ s b~own. ROY: IT,S NOT ONLY BROWN BUT IT,s T}~£~E. JESTER: A-MAZINGI (BOTH PORTERS LAUGH) (BOUND: DOOR OPENS) D-ESTER: WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE. ROY: GOOD MORNING. ROCHESTER. ~ ~ ROCH: A~, A GOOD ZOOD MORNINGTO ~OU. GENTLEMEN. SAY. M / T[ ......... j~ELONG TO MY B0S,T? / JESTER: Yeah... How,d you know? ROCH: TH~ LEFT ONE HAs A BUTTON MISSING. f:lT HO '1 0 18 1,'1 1 5
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-5- ,~ EOY: Oh, yeah W@II, look ~re Malcolm.. Mr. ~nny left a silve~ dollar in his hoe fo a i . ROCH : THAT AIN T ~-TIP ................................ ~_ w~v~AJ A~a J~T9~ : No kidding. ROY: Tell n;e, Rochester...Is M~. Benn~ cheap? ROOH: OH NO] I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT ONE NDL~ ASKED HIM FOR A NICKEL FOR A CUP OF 00FFEE AND HE GAVE HIM FIFTY CENTS. ROY: When was that? ROCH: THE DAy THE EARTH STOOD STILL. BOTH PORT,S : A_-MAZING J (SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE...TRAIN WHEELS UP AND DOWN) JACK: ~m~., nothing in Erskine Johnson's column either. (SOUND: RUSTLE OF PAP~.) MARY: Oh Jack, don't be such a ham. You got a f~ee dinner, so why don't you forget it. JACK: Well, I still tl~nk,--I PHIL:~, HI ya, kids...~,A~ /~'Ma~y, how about a game of gin...Do you # // ~want to play? MARy: NO thanks, Phil, I'm reading. JACK: Say, Ill1 play wlth you, Phil. PKIL: Oh no, I don't wanta play with ~ou. JACK: Why not? PHIL: Whenever you lose, you get sore and grlpo and yell....And then you put your toupay on backwards fom luck. fllHO1 0'181416
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i. . i i ~, ,.~ =,~L¸ ..... • . ~.~ ~ ,4, -5- wearing that Japanese Kimona. What~%ng wlth me wearing a Japanese Kimona? You had Rocheste~ in one the sleeves handing cards to you. Oh, stop dreaming t ng~ uo. Sa~Jack, why don't you ask De~s?.~.He might play ea~s wlth you. JACK: ~That's right.,.Where is be? DON: There he is, way up at the front end of the car. JACK: Oh yes... (OFF M~EE) HEY DENNIS, DENNIS-- MARY: (WHISPERS) J~ck, don't yell like that...We're not the only people in this car. JACK: What,s the difference?... (OFF HIKE) HEY DENNIS, YOU WANT TO pLAy SO~ GIN RU~? DENNIS: (CFF HIKE) NOT WITH YOU, ~. BENNY...YOU NI/VRR PAY OFF. JACK: (%~{ISP~R$) Hmmm. DENNIS: (ORF MIKE) ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MISS LIVINGSTONE? JACK: QUIET...k~'RE NOT THE ONLy PEOPLE IN THIS CAR... I guess I put that kid in his place. (SOUND: TRAIN DOOR OPENS...LOUD TRAIN NOISE. . ,DOOR CLOSES...NOISES OUT...BRISK FOOTSTEPS WHICH c0 im ) JACK: Here comes Rochester... OH ROCHESTER, ROW ABOUT A GAME OF GIN RUMMY? ROCK: OKAy, YOU GE~ THE SUCKER, I'LL GET THE KIMONA. JACK: I don't mean that, I want to play with ~ou. ROCH: NO THANES, l NE~ GAf~LE. JACK: W~t? When did yo~ stop gambling? JACK: PHIL : JS
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-7- OUR FANCY .... JACK: DENNIS : RCCH: A CouPLE k~ AGO AT TANFORAN WHEN I BET ON WHAT A HORSE THAT WAS. ~RY: %4hen did he 0o~9 in? EOCH: IN ~E COOL, COOL, COOL OF ~ EVENING. JACK: Oh well, I'll find somebody on the train to play with ~. (SOUND: FEW MORE FOOTSTEPS...TRAIN DOC~ OPENS...LOUD TRAIN NOISE...DOOR CLOSES...NOISES DOWN .... DINNE~ GONG FADING ON) ROY: (FADING IN) Dinner now bein~ served in the diner . .First Call for dinner... IFADING OFF) Dinner now being semved in the diner, JACK:~4 What do you say, Mary? Shall we have something to eat? N,~RY:///Right now, Jack? We msuall~ wait till the second call. JACK: Nah...let's eat now. MARY: (RESIGNED) Okay, boost me up to the baggage rack sad I'll g~t the sandwiches. JACK: Never mind the sandwiches...It's our last chance to eat in the diner...Come on, Mary, I~ll treat you to a meal...I'll ask Dennis, too. JACK; Oh. ~e~/uge~-, what do you say to a little g~ub? Hi ya, Grubby. J. JS R]H01 0181418
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C" -8- JACK: -4~, I meant would you llke something to eat? Mary and I arc going to ~ J~C~" , ~J ~/ DENNIS~O~,No thanks,'~ " • - /u~o ove~ the song I'm genna do on the show. ~ ....... ,e~z/. JACK: 0h say,'=~m-~g--i-~g~~. I want to hear that. ~what are/ DENNIS: Well, since it's Armistice Day,~I*~ going to do a medley of SOI~SG hOlloriDg ou~ A~med Forces. JACK: Oh, that's swell. Let's hear it. (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS.S SONG - ARMED FORCES MEDLEY) (APPLAUSE) JS A]~01 O181419
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OK: ~ ~hat was -9- wonderful, Dennis. MARY: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: -~, it's you, Mr. Benny... Yes, do you have a table for two. Eat? That's right. OO000ffKHH, THEN I WIN. MARY: Say Dennis, Jack and I are going to the diner, would you like to join us? .... Well... Come on, Benni8, join ~s. Okay, I now pronounce ~ou man and wife. NOW out that out! Come on, Mary~ let's go Before he starts throwing rice. (BOUND: DOOR OP~S, LIGHT TRAIN NOISES) Sometimes that kid -- (SOUND: TRAIN DO~ OPENS... NOISES UP LOUD ... DOOR CLOSES ... NOISES DOWN) .... I~Ives me nuts. (SOUND: BATTLE OF DISHES) OH STEWARD, STEWARD. We want to eat. The waiters bet ~ou'd hold out-~TT Los ~fi~eles, long shot on Albuerquerque. Jac~mI'm hungry, let's not just stand here. but I took a JS AIXO 1 01814-20
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: ~= ~, ~-w~.~/~~:~r~-~.~ ?~:-~Z;~z~ ~,~.~4~,~,~~ ~,~ NEL5 ON : JACK: NELSON: JACK: NE[~ ON : JACK: NELSON: JACK: MARy : JACK : F~%RY: JACK : NELSON: JACK: -±d- Here's a table right here. Thanks. (SOUND: CHAIRS MOVED) Wail, re W~ comfy? Everything's f~e, Steward. Good, the~ what dovou sa~ to a little ~b? ~ ~qAUCI[INC) ::~, watcD thls~/.Ask me that a~ain, Steward. Ask you ~hat? %T~at do you say to a little g~ub? Hi ya, Grubby. You see, Mary, it fools them eve~y----Hmmm. Jack, what are you ~onna eat? I don't know...it's har~ to de01de..that New Yomk cot steak with musI~ooms sounds good..thon again, the large filet mignon is temptlnZ. Let's stop la~ and order. Okay...Steward, put me down fo~ a hamburser sa~dwloh. I already did. JACK: NiT, ON : JACK: NEIS ON : JACK: MARY: Don't he funny, just take the o~dem. I've ot it. Oh/and Steward...how about some French Pastey? Not thls trip, we've got all we can use. The Poast turkey and a glass JS FI1 ~0 1 0'|81421
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-~OA - NELSON: That~k you. JACK: MARy: JACK: SARA : JACK: JACK: SARA : JACK: SARA : JACK: SARA : Oh say Mary, did I tell you that next T~esday I'm gonna be on Frnak Sinatra's televison show...Gee, I can hardly wait. %5"on I stand up there next to Frankle, I look like Victor Matur~...Yes slr. Pardon me, is this seat tsken? No no, ~ss, sit down. (SOUND: CHAIR PULLED OUT) (CLEARS THROAT)...Iovely day, Isnlt it? It sure is. .... Yesterday was ~nice ~ too. It sure was. j ...But then,weather's so unprdlctable..tomorrow it might ~ain, It sure might. JS RTNO'I 0181422
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-ll- JACX: ~YYou never know. MARy: It,s a privlle~e to sit in on this conversation• JACK: Mary, you little vixen you..(sIIlLY LAUGH) .... Well }~re comes the food. (TRANSITION MUSIC) JACK: Gee, tlmt was a good dinner, wasn't it, Mary? ~%R~: It sure ~as. ~1 JACK: Mary...Well Miss, I certainly enjoyed talking to you. SARA : Likewise. JACK: Steward..Steward.,glve me the check, please. NELSON: Yes slr...The three of you on one? JACK: No no, just M~Ivlngstone and myself. SARA: Wa~t a ndnute,~ what about my check? JACK: Your check? Why, I don't aven know you. SARA: Then ~hat did you start ~ conversation for? JACK: What? SARA: Q~If 1%~nted weather reports, I could read the paper. JACK: Come on, Mary/let's get out of here. (SOUh~: CHAIRS SCRAPF~ BACK) JACK: C~to on. • " r JACK: (SOUND: TRAIN DOOR OPENS...TRAIN NOISES LOUD.... DOOR CLOSES..NOISES DOWN) Mary, wasn't that gi~l awful? LW A|~OI O181423
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/ JACK: JACK : HARRY : JACK: A ( TPJ~ SITION MUSIC) (SOUND: JACK : ~P~RY : DON : JACK: D0~ : JACK: EDDIE: KEAP~S: MEL: JACK: -12- Well, it's your ovn faslt, J~ck. Why do you talk to people ~0~1 donft evc~ k~ow? Mary, if I didn't talk to people I donft know, yould still be at the May Company. Ye~h, you and your sweet telk. Never ndnd..Gee, l~d like to pl~y cs~s.,There must be somobod~ on the train with ~ little spomtlng blood....OH }~LI0 T}£9.RE..SAY, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN PIAYINO A GAME OF GIN RU~Y? My mo~r~ never lets me play with strangers. Well all right, Just a su~estion....Ssy Mary, I think I'll go to bed, because we get in pretty early. Okay, Jack..sce you ~n the morning. LW TRAIN PULLING OUT OF STATION) Well Mary, we,re pulling out of Pasadena. Angeles in half an hour. Gee, I'll be glad to get home. Oh, Jack.. Yes, Don, These three gentlemen got on at Pasader~. reporters anL~ they warLt to intervle~ you. I-~ ..... / ~-Anahlem T-~mes~ ~/ee~Azusa ~4~Cucamonga4~e%~. Oh. ~" We,ll be in Los They.re newspaper ~TH01 018 142~
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-13- EDDIE: Now Benny, if you talk fast, ve can get this interview in our next edition. JACK: When ~s that? EFAILNS: Tvo reeks from Thursday, JACK: Oh. MEL: Nov Mr. Benny, about thls dinner they gave you in Ne~, York. Wh~t was the significance of ~t? JACK: Well, M~.the Friars gave me this testimonial dinner because this is my twentieth year in radio. EDDIE: Do you intend to continue with radio op retire? JACK: Retire? Are you kidding? I'II never quit radio. EEARNS: You mean to say that you'll be on radio five or ten or fifteen ~ears from now? JACK: I'll be in radio twenty years from now. MEL: Twenty yea~s from now..v~t kind of a program will you be doing then? JACK: Sit down, ~entlemcn, and I'll tell you ...... When 1971 ~olls around, you'I1 still be hearing .... DON: (OLD NJkN VOICE) THE LUCKY STRI~ PROGRAM, 1971, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROC~STEE, DENNIS DAY, AND 'YOURS T~JLY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE) (BAND PLAYS STRATN OF LOVE IN BLOOM WITH QUIVERING VIOLINS) DON: AND NOW, IADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE BRIng yOU OUR MASTER OF CEREMON/ES, JACK BENNY..W}~ HIM IN, BOYS. JACK: H.llo again, this is Jack Denny talking ...... HOW are you feeling, Don? IW ATe01 0181425
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, ~=~.~~,~,~&~*~1~J,~:~,:~,~.~A~¸~,LAv~k'---'¸~--~-~ (~ DON: Y'm feeling fine, J~ck, fit as s fiddle. rheumatism? JACK : Aye? DON: I SAID, ID~¢IS YOUR Fd~UMATISM? JACK: A hundred per cent, it's up to ~ e~rs now...Oh hello, Mary. ~A~CK ~ ell°' Jack" ~'y ~ : / Aye?..What~s that? /~. ~Y: Read my llps, yo~ old fossil. JACK: I would if you could move the durn things. Say Mary, you're looking ~ood, did you here you~ face lifted ag~i~? ~u~Y: Nope, hed it lowered this time..couldn,t get my hat on. JACK: Aye? ~u~Y: I s~id I couldn.t get ~ h~t on. JACK: Yup, you ~r_~e putrid' a lot of f~t on ..... Well, well, here comes Dennis Day. DENNIS: 2Hello, everyone..hello, Mr. Benny. JACK: Dennis, you've been on the show thlpty-two years and you,r~ DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DNNNI$: still callim~mo Mr. Benny. You don.t have to be so formal, you can call me by my first name. I'll be glad to..what is it? Wh~t is it?..De*~s, how you ever got married and raised a family, I'ii never ~mo~. How many kids bmve you got now? Thirteen. Thirteen kids? Yup, one for every month of the year. Dennis, there ~re only twelve months in the ye8r. LW 8 ])40 | 0 ~81~$26
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-15- JACK: Everybody said, 'Wait till he grows up, maybe he'll get smarter"...Oh well, vhat are you gonna sing tonight, Dennis? DIZ~NIS: That song that,s Number One on the Hit Parade. JACK: What is it? '~4hen You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'l Come Back To You." DON: Jack, before Dennis sings, I,v~got the Sportsmen Quartet heme o JACK: Good good, let's have the commercial. A]MO 1 0'18t42P
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,f ( I}?2RO ) QUAPY£ : IN THIS MODERN DAY AND AGE FOR ONE THING ~NE ARE GLAD A LUCEXIS STILL T~] FAVORITE 5MOE T~ BEST YOU'VE EVER HAD. SO ~L~N YOU pLaN THAT TRIP TO MARS TAKE LUCKIES BY THE CASE FOR C~0D OLD L S M F T'S T~ FAVORITE A~YpIACE BE HA£PY, GO LUCKY BE HAPPY3 GO LUOKY STRIKE BE HAPPY, CO LUCKY GO LUCEY STRIKE TODAY (BREAK WITH FLAT LAST NOTE) JACK: Someday he~s 6orma make it. QUART: JACK STILL HAS HIS MAXWELL CAR BUT IT HA~ CHANGED YOU ENOW WIRED SOME ROCKETS ON THE SIDE NOW YOU SHOULD SEE IT GO. AND PLASTI0 pLANES ARE NO~~ TEE THING ATOMI0 ENGINES MOVE T~ BUT LUCE~ STRIKE,5 AP~] STILL T~ SAME YOU REALLY CANtT IMPROVE fEM. BE HAp£y, GO LUCKY B~: HAPPY, GO LUCE~ STRIEE BE HAPPY, GO LUCEY GO LUCKY STRIEE TODAY. (BRE&K WITH RIG~ LAST NOTE) LW -16- B]'X01 0181428
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JACk: Dog~on8, he made it. QUART: ~UCE~ STRIKE MEANS FINE. TOBACCO, AND LUCKY STRIKE,S TAZTE BETTER, JUST TRY ONE AND yOU,IZ, S~. BE HAPPY, GO LUCKM BE HAPPY, GO LUCKY STRIKE BE FAPPT, GO LUCEk" CO LUCKY STRIKE TODAY. LSMFT TOO -17- LW A'IXO I O'IB 1429
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JACK: Very good, boys, JACK: NAHY: DON: JACK: P}~L: JACK: PHIL : JACK: pHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PILL: JACK: P}~L: JACK: -18~ very good..And by the way fellows, I want you to come over and sing at~ybi~thdayparty next week. Say, how old are you gonna be, Jack? Well..l guess I.ii have to ad,~t It..I finally m~de it. Ma&o ~That? Forty..People started to talk so I thought I'd better-- say Jack, here comes Phil H~rris. Oh D~Idy, oh? (]le lost his hair, folks)..But he,s still got s cu~'ly scalp. }E ya, Jackson, glad to see you up and around. What do you mean, you,re glad to see me up and around? You just saw me five minutes ago. I know, but at our age, I like to keep checklnZ. Oh..Well, you're looking pretty good, Phil. Remember vbat I told you twenty years ago. That stuff preserves you, preserves you. Hee hce hoe hee. And say, Jackson. What? never ~elleve ~, but it finally happened. What happened? This mornln~ Alice Came to me for money. Well, what do you know.. \ A]~O I 0181430
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-19- P}IIL: Say Jackson-- g" JACX: Wilt is it, phil? PHIL: Giad to see you up and around. J~ICK: Forget it, forget it...And now, folks, for eur feature attraction tonight-- (somvo: PH0~ R~G~) JACK: I]xouse m~, (souND: RLOEIV~ UP) JACK: Hello? ROCH: (OLD MAN VOICE) }gZLLO, MR. B~.NNY, THIS IS ROC}ES~_~. JACK: Rochester, you're supposed to chan~e your voice. ROCH: I DID, BUT YOU CAN'T NOTICE IT. JACK: " WeIl, what did you call for? ROCH: I WANTED TO TLZL YOU ItLL BE BY IN FIfTeEN MZ~Y~ES TO PICK YOU UP IN THE MA~,r~IL. JACK: Don't bother, Rochester, IIii get home wlthout.it. ROCN: I WISH YOU'DA TOLD MR SO0~R, I ALFcI~DY }II~Cl~1) UP TI~] HORSL, JACK: Well, unhitch him. ROCH: I CAN'T, }~Z~'S ON }[IS ]~-~ AND P~ZADY TO G0. JACK: Well okay, I'll be waiting for you...Goodbye, Rochester. ROCH: GOODBYE... OH SAY, ROSS. JAON: ~fhat? NOCH: IT'S GOOD TO I~OW YOU'R~ UP AND AROUND. JACI[: Never mi~d, Goodbye. ROCH : GOOOOOODR~L (BOUND: RT~CEIVER DO%~) AI~O~ 018143'I
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• JACK : -20- ~e~l, it's t~me for a band numbe~..Go ahead, phil, play s omet b~Ing. PHIl,: What do you want me to play? JACI,: Don't ~ake no difference, I can't hear ~t anyway. MARY: Hee hee hee bee hoe hee hee. JACK: What a~e you laughing at, Ma~y? ~LAHY: The clarinet player's got so many wrinkles, he can't find ~h~s mouth. JACK: Doggone, if we were able to move him, I'd fire him... Play, phil. (APPLAUSD AND PI~YOFF) A1HO1 0181432
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-2l- ea, ten million people bare become homeless~ estltute. These p e are in desperate need of c used clothing. through y~ loca~ief for Kolea. For ftu~the~ ~~ct the Amerlc~a~ ellef for Ko~ea~, I~ East York, New York~~~ a hank you. DON: Jack will be back in Just a moment, but fi~'st .... / RIN01 0181433
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T}~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM ~DAY. ~ov.ll. 1951 (TAPED OCT. 25, 1951) CLOSING COMMERCIAL MARTIN: Luckles .... taste., .... better.~ SHARBUTT: Yes, Luckies taste better -- and one big reason is -- NARTIN : SHARBUTT : M~2TIN : SOUND: SHARBUTT : ORCH: ~ C}DRUS : they,re made better, Conclusive new proof reveals that Lucky Strike is the best-made of all five principal brands of cS ~arettes: This is not a cl~Im, but a fact-, verified by le~ding laboratory consultants. Earlier you heard the report of d Foste~ D° Snell, Inc. of New York. Now listen to the report Of Froehling and Robertson of Ricbmlond, Virginia, It is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best-made of these five major brands. Yes, this authentic new proof sweeps away the smoke screen of empty claims made by other clgerettes ... double talk like this - (TAPE RECORDING PLAYED BACKWARDS. 5 SECONDS AND OUT) Double talk ... words about noses., vords about throats... emptly promises ... don,t be misled by them. Remember the facts. Remembe~ Luckies taste better: (FULL VAMP) De Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Get better teste De Happy -- GO Lucky Go Lucky Strike today, (LONG CLOSE) ~I~01 0181434
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~- ~ ~---~ ~ ....... ~,,~, ,=~.~:~ ...... - ~ . ~m~u~.~ DON: Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes, Jaok will ~ppea~ on the Lucky Strike television program nTkis Is ~how BusinessI' JACK: Oh Don, why did you mon~ion it? I wanted to su~pl, lse JACK: Oh ..... well, goodnight, folks. (APPI~iUSE & MUSIC) DON: This is Don Vilson reminding you to listen to your Hit Pa1,~de ~;Jth Guy LOmbardo every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspapor for time and station....The Jack Benny program Js heard by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the A~med Forces Radio Service ..... Transcribed ....... Th~s is ~k@ CBS...RADIO,. ,,~etwork' RT~01 0181435
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L SUNDAy~ N0~F~ER 18, 1951 PROGRAM #IO REVISED SCRIPT 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST I- BS R 1 ,~0 1 O~8~436
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THE JACK BENNY PR0~AM SUNDAy, NOVEMBER 18, 1951 OPENING COMMI~qCIAL SHARBUTT : MARTIN : SHARBUTT : MARTIN: SMARBUTT : ~gRTIN: SHARBUTT: ~' GB THE JACKBENNY PROGRAM ... presented by LUSKYSTRI~! And now a word of interest to smokers. For years you've beard talk - double talk - words about noses - words about throats ... empty promises ... clgsrette advertising is filled with them. Now this smoke screen of double talk is swept away by facts ,.. not claims ,.. fact~. The facts are that Luckies' fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco goes into a cigarette that's made better ... that's fully packed ... that has no annoying loose ends to spoil the taste -- a cigarette that's made better in Yes, the facts are that Lucky Strike by a wide margin is the best-made of all five pri~olpal brands of cigarettes -- facts proven by a month after month quality comparison based on tests certified to be impartial, fair and identical. And these tests - those facts are verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, Inc. of New York City reports: In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best-made of the five major brands. (MOW) A]MO~ O18143,~
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THE JACK BENNYPROGRAM SUNDAy, NOVEMBER 18, 1951 OPENING COMmerCIAL ~00NTTD) MARTIN: Yes, Luokies taste better -- always so mild, so smooth, so firm sud fresh - with better taste in every puff. S}IARBUTT : 0RCH : CHORUS : So prove to ~ourself the p~oven facts -- dontt be misled by the smoke screen ofclalms made by other cigarettes. Remember the facts and enjoy really fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco in the cl~arette that's made better -- the cigarette that TASTES BETT~ -- LUCKY BTRIEEJ Try a carton todayJ (FULL VAMP) Be llappy-- Go Lucky Go L~ck¥ Strike today! (LONG OLfBE) " GB A "I ;40 ! 0181438
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7, ( (FIRST ROUTINE) I q~R COMMERCIAL, ORCHESTRA H~TS OPENING THE~'~. Okay, it, ( ~,~uszo ST~PS) PE:[.,: JACK: MARy: DON : What's wrong now, Jackson? Nothing. We rehearsed enough. before we go on the air. Yeah, we'll be ou in ten minutes. Jack, they're starting to let the audience in now. -I- ABOUT SIX OR EIGHT hold it, Fhil ...... Stop~/ We oughta relax a little Good good. DON: Oee,~-~ MARy: Oh, we four o'clock DON: ARTIE: ROCH: BS we have 8 full house. People have *g in line since JAOK: Gosh, there since four o'clock this • morning~., j~just see m~ : Jack put a sign out in front "Martin and Lewis? ~, JACK: oh~t~p. .~nyw4~y, Don, I want to talk to the audlenoe before we ~p on the ai?.,.so when the studio fill8 up, let me know2 ~l be in ~y dressing room. Okay, Jack. (BOUND: LITTLE NOISE OF CROWD OOMING IN...VOIOES ETC.) This way for the Jsck Benny pro~Pam...don't crowd, please. single file comlng through the door, please. 00~ ON, ANNAB~LIE, WE WANNAGETSEATSDOWN IN FRONT gO ~. B~NNY CAN NEAR ME LAUOH AT HIS JOKES. 19]~0 1 0181~39
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i CARMEN: EOCH: C~{MEN: ROCH: CAR~N: ROCH: CARMEN: ROCH: JACK: PHIL: JACK: pHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: ~3 -2- Okay, Uncle Rochester. How come M~. Benny gave you the day off? DAY 0FF~ WHEN YOU HEAR THE JOKES I HAVE TO lAUGH AT, I'M WOKKIN', HONEY, I'M WORKIN' : Do I have to laugh too, Uncle Rochester? YEAH,.,I'LL ~/DGE YOU WITH MY ELBOW....IF IT'S A LITTI~ JOKE YOU JUST GIGGLE. Uh huh. AND IF ~. BENNY q~ A BIG JOKE, YOU LAUGH REAL LOUD. What do I do if it's kind of a medium Joke? ~E DON'T TELL 'EM THAT WAY, HONEY, T~Y'EE EIT}~R GOOD OR BAD...BUT DON'T WORRY, I*LL GIVE YOU THg EIBOW...NOW~ FOLI~W M~:, THERE ARE TWO SEATS IN TP~ SECOND ROW. Say Phil/ I wanta ask you something..Youm orchestra was beginning to sound pretty good and thon all of s sudden you took the herp out of the band. Why did you do that? I had to get rid of that harp, Jackson. Why? I was afraid Shat someday Remley might wake up, look through it and say, "Holy smoke, I'm in again!" Well, that's ridiculous. A harp wouldn't make him think he was in Jail. Oh no? Two months ago he out threo of the strings with a hack saw. No. Then as he climbed through, the spot light hit him and he yelled, "Don't shoot, I give ~p." AIHO 1 018'1440
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:.J JACK: :( JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS ~, This i. JACK: Well, that's (SOUND: Come in. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Oh hello, Dennis. the most ridiculous thin~l ever -- KNOCK ON DOOR) -3- DENNIS: PHIL: JACK: DENNIS: k Hello, Mr. Benny..I want to talk to you about one of the jokes I bare in the script. I don't understand it. Which one? one right here on page four...see? JACK: Oh, PHIL:~I'm JACK: JACK: JACK: Dennis, that's a very simple joked.you ask~.."~'. Benny, did you hear about the lumber-jsok who was always chasing girls?"...l say, "No"...and yo~ s~y, "He was sort of a tl~ber wolf." ..... get it? I wish I was taller, those jokes go over my head. You' re lucky, kid, It bit me right in the face. Look, Dennis, when we come to the joke, I'II just throw you the lead end you say "He was a timber wolf"...that's all. Okay, but if it doesn't get a laugh, you'll hear from my Mother, get out of here2~~- (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) ,l'n~Thse two ma~e/a~.a nie palr...BouPbon and water on the b~ain. (SOUND: PHONE RINGS..RECEIV~2 UP) Hello? ...Long Distance? Yes, she's here .... I'll call her. (SOUND: THREE FCOTSTEPS....DOOR OPENS) (CALLING) OH, MARY....MARY ..... BS A INO'I 0'18"144-1
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JACK:" -4- MARy: (SLIGHTLY OFF) YES, JACK. JACK: Would you come into ~ dressing room? M~Ry: Okay, but you'll have to leave the door Open. JACK: Now don~t be silly. You're wanted On the phone. ~[~Ry: (ON MIKE) Oh. JACK: It's long distance. Plainfield, New Jersey. d [~ARY: Gee, it must be Mama: JACK: ~ine time to call. Five minutes before r~/ broadcast. / MARY: That's all right, she never listens to it anyway...(UP) }~I/~? .... OH, }~LLO MAMA...I'M FIND....GEE, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO CALL ME...WHAT?....WHEN WE GO ON TEE AIR, YOU WANT ~ TO SAY..."PAPA, DINNER IS READY.I.I. ° .BUT W~Y DO YOU WANT ME TO ..... OH, ME'B IN THE LIVING ROOM AND YOU'RE NOT TALKING TO H~M. Well, that's the silliest.- ...... Quiet, Jack. WHAT DID YOU SAY, MAMA? .~ .BABE HAS A NEW BOY FRIEND? ...... ND DOES? WELL, ~E C~TAINLY I8 INDUSTRIOUS. JACK: What ds it, Ma~, what is it? - MARy: My sister Babe has a new boy friend and he has two jobs. JACK: Two jobs: MARY: WHAT KIND CF WORK DOES HE DO, MA~%? ....... OH. JACK: What is it, Mary, what does he do? N~RY: During the day he drives a garbage tl~uck, and at night he's a test pilot in an Air-wick factory ..... ",'HAT DID YOU DAY, MAMA, THANKS FOR CALLING. (SOUND: P~OE~VER DOWN) BS fg]M01 018 1442
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~]~,~i.~. ~ 4, ~, • ~ ~ c ~ -:<: , • •. • ~.~,,./~[~ ~[~.~-~,~ )pped, took another look at Babe JACK: MARY: ] JACK : JACK: DON : DON : what? He went back and tore the Bern label Oh, Jack/ . ~0~ b@--on the ~i~ ~ fiv~ m~nl]t~,. If ,ou ~,t to t~k to the audience, you better get started. JACK: Okay. Everybody on stage. (SOUND: BABBLE OF VOICES UP AND DOWN) ROCH: IT WOHiT BE LONG NOWj ANNABELI~. CARMEN: You know, Uncle RoehesteP, Mr. Benny don't look so very old.. I think he's tall, cute and handsome. HOCH: YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME. HARRIS, HONEY....H~S }{AIR IS CURLY CARMEN: Well~ what kind of hair has Mr. Benny got? ROCH: ME. BENNY'S HAIR IS..OH-OH, IIM IN FOR IT, I STILL GOT IT IN MY POCKET... ,HERE HE C0~S NOW, HONEY....RE,MElt, lAUGH WHEN I GIVE YOU THE ELBOW. BS t:l T,1701 0"18 'l,ti ~ 3
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-6- "S~K: WolI~ folks, we start ou~ broadcast in a few minutes...and 6 ~'-~ before we...(SNEEZES)...(I hope I'm not catching cold. D~r~that Rochester)...And before we do, I want a gag ~hat'll klll ya. You see, the is us and Santa Claus be here .... so .... if you , there a~,e only twenty-nlne i days until Oh~istmas. Get it? ~ ...yes sir: CAR~N: That, s lousy,~i~n't it, Uncle Rochester? ROCH: IT SURE~/~, E05~Y, BUT HERE'S ~f ELBO~, & ROOH.: . UUGH LOUDLY) J OK{ ' Well, it took a little while to get thatthat gag, butgag, but I~ait,wait, J~/~ I'll wait. . ~ ..... I DON: T~-b~~eng~Jaok, we'll be on the air in five seconds. JACK: Five seconds : DON: Stand by, everybody ...... Take it, phil. (BAND pLAYS THE~ UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY....WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROC~STER, DENNIS DAY, A~D "YOURS TRULY" DON WII~ON. (APPLAUSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLE~N, WE BRING YOU A MAN WHO WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY, STUDIED ECONOMICS IN MARCH, u%~D~WAS ABLE TO RETIRE IN APRIL...AND F~RE HE IS ..... JACK BE~NY! ( AppLAuSE ) BS A 1L~O '1 018 "1~4~
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.... ~ ~. ~ ~ . ~.= ~~j~£-~LI£!LI~--/ I! ~:'I<'U'~'~--~,~,}~ .... • --7-- JACK, i. e~-~n~g~.-~" thlnk your i~.~uctlon was a exaggerated...Nowever~ I will admit that at the age of six I did have ~ little money, but I earned it. As a matter of fact -- DENNIS: Say Mr. Benny, that ~'r, dn too... ~ACK: Huh? d DENNIS: Did you hear the one about the lumberjack? JACK: (ASIDE) No~ yet. Dennis, later. ~.~ay, when ~was . ~i~, ~i PHIL: You're not the only one, Jackson. When I w~s elghteen months old, ~ picture was in every magazine in the country. JACK: So what? PHIL:~/~It ~asn't easy for au eighteen month old kid to pose for all ~ads. JACK: ~nat ads? PHIL: I was the baby of distinction. JACK: phil-- PHiL: I Was the only kid in town who ~ a diaper with a hip pocket. JACK: All~/~-~ right, -~e~//Ch/to do tonight, so let'~ get started. MARY: What's it gonna be, Jack? JACK: Well Mary, since we're at the height of the football season, I -% "~ that tonight we ~do our version of that exciting-- ( LAU~ LOUDly ) I'M BORRy, HONEY, MY ELBOW SLIFP~. CARMEN: ROCH: as ~:~TNO 1 0181~5
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• JACK: Hm. We will do our ver~ion~he Col~mhia picture .... that ( exciting epic of the gridiron, "Saturday's Hero"...Now this play will go on immediately after-- JACK: JACK: JACK: (BOUND: Come in. (SOUND: Yes? E~0CK ON DOOR) DOOR OPENS O (MOOLEY) M~. Benny, is it true that you wyote a song? Yes, yes, l did. And it has a wonderful title~Wh~ you Say I Beg Your pardon, Then I'ii Come Back To You." M~: That's the one. Do you mind if I do it? JACK: Why, no..no, not at all. Are you a singer? ME[,: No, l~m an electric organ. JAOK: What? MEL: (DOE~ ELECTRIC ORGAN VERSION OF EIGHT BARS OF SONG) JACK: Wait a mlnute..hold It....hold it~ ~: (STOPS) JACK: An electrlo org~n...thzt's awful. MEL:~It aln~t bad when you consider I ain't even plugged in. JACK: Oh, get out of here. (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) JACK: Wh~t a silly guy~Dcnnis-- D~NIg'~Did you hea~ the one about the lumberjack who was always chasing girls: JACK: Not yet. Sing you~ song first. DENNIS:~,Okay. JACK: He has one joke and he can't wait. (APFLAUSE) (DENNISt SONG .... "NEVI~") (AppLAUSE) BB P, 1" 140 '1 0'181446
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')/ ,,r , ~ .... .IO- SEOOND ROUTINE) ~ ~,~. JACK: That ~a8 very good~ Dennlsf very good ... You sang that beautifully. ~c~ ~"~/~- ,-w~ aACK." Oh _b~--tha-ws.y~--Deanla~-is-lt~.t~-~h~_y~u-g~ -f.rom .... DENNIS: Oh bQy, here it comes ...(CLEAR5 THROAT) Y~ Mr. ~nny, d/ o "%~ .. DID yOU HEAR ABOUT THE LUM~ JACK WHO WA~ WAS ALWAY~ CHASING GIRL5 ? JACK: No, Dennis. What about the lumberjack who was always chasing girls? DENNZS : HI8 NAME ~AS MR. WOLF AND HE WAS FULL OF TZMBE~. JACK: What? LIEE WOLF) JACK~ Dennis, s~op wagging your tail and sit down ... We ~ehearsed it for four days and then he gets it w~ong .., Oh well .. And now for o~h-,, T~ke it, Don. DON: AND NOW.LADIE~Z AND GENTLEMEN, WE BRING YOU OUR V~SION O~ THAT TNNILLI~G COLUMBIA PICTURE "SATURDAy'S ~D~O" ... A SAGA 0~' COLLEGE LIFE ON TMB (~IDIRGN, CURTAIN, MUSIC -- (~ ~LAYS COL~G~ 'a~tS) JACK: (FZLTER) THIS Ig THE STORY OF THOUSANDS OF 8TALWAR~ yOUNG ATHLETES, WHO E~y WEEK DURING T~ A~TUMN G~ THE YEAR GIVE THEIR ALL ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD~ OF T~E NATION FOR THE GLORY OF THEIR ALMA MAT~S. TH~BE ARE BATU~DAY~B HEROES. ~ORCH~TRA STING~ .. • THF~N OUT) JS R1H01 018144~'
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-ll- > JACK: MY NAME IS STEVE ... STEVE KRAZINSEA-VICHEL-LUVITOH- ~ EICKOFFSKI .... I WAS THE STAR QUARTerBACK AT JAMES MADISON HIGH SCN00L IN PASSIAO, NEW J~SEY .... IN MY FINAL HIGH SCHOOL GAME I CAUGHT THE OPENING KIOKOFF AND BEN IT BACK NINETY-EIGHT YA~ FOR A TOUCHDOWN ... THE CROWD WENT WILD ... THE ROOTING SECTION STOOD UP AND BEGAN TO 0HE~ FOR ME. QUART: K~AZ I NSKA -VICHEL -LUVITCH-NICKOFFSKY .... KRAZINSNA -VI 0HEL- LUVIT CH-NI CKOFFSKY. ORCH: (CHEERING IN UNISON)~ KRA Z I N S KA V I O H E LU V I T CHNI CKOFFSKI. JACK: WHEN THEY FINISHED, WE W~qE IN TME THIRD QUARTER ... THEft- REST OF THE NAME WAS ROUTINE TILL THE LAST FEW HINUTR~ WHEN I MADE ONE SPECTACULAR pLAy ... I KIO~3~ A FIELD GOAL FROM THE SIXTEEN YARD LINE. THIS WOULDN'T BEVE BEEN UNUSUAL EXCEPT THAT T}~ FULLBACK WAS STILL HOLDING THE BALL AS IT WENT BETWEEN THE GOAL P(~TS • ° • THE OROWD WENT WILD AND THE FULLBACK WAS A LITTLE SORE, TOO . .. AGAIN THEY STARTED TO CKE~. QUART: (FADING) KR A Z I N S KA V I C H -- JAOK: (FILTER) IT WAS THEN THAT I DECIDED TO CHANGE MY NAME TO SMITH ... STEVE SMITH ... WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, I HAD OFF~S TO pLAy FOOTBALL FOR MANY COLLEGES . .. ~ASHINGTON AND LEE .., WILLIAM AND MARY • • • DAVID AND BATHSHEBA ... BUT I FINALLY DECIDED TO ACCEPT A SCHOLARSHIP TO ONAIG UNIVERSITY ... SO EARLY THAT FALL I FOUND MYSELF IN T}iE REGISTRAR 'S OFFICE WHERE THE DEAN'S SEORETARY WAS FILLING OUT MY ENTRANCE APPLICATION. JS ATXOI 018'1448
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BEA : JACK : JACK: BEA: JACK: BEA: JACK: BEA: JACK: SEA: JACK: BEA: JACK: BEA: JACK : SEA: JACK : SEA: JACK : JS Now let's see ... Steve Smith ... Steve Smith ,.. Oh, here,s your card ... Now tell me, what is your height? (BEG. ~KE) Five feet eleven. Your weight? One seventy-three. Color of your eyes .,. Oh, thaylre blue, aren't they? Bluer than the coach at U.S.O. Now what career do you expect to follow upon ~,~duation? l'm going to be a psychiatrist. Whet made you decide to become a psychiatrist ? Last month my uncle died and left me a couch. Well, that's all the questions and -- oh, just one second .. You,re hare on a football scholarship, aren't you? Yes ma ram. In that case, you'll be provided with tuition, room end board, and you'll be given a hundred dollars a month to spend. a~," ... Now of course, you and all the other football plsyers will have to earn this money. I understand. What will my job be? Well, in the Dean,s officer there is an eight day clock. And I'm supposed to wind it? No, the fullbsckwlnds it, ygu Job is to see that he does. (FILTER)~ ~NB-~9-BEGAN MY FIRST YEAR AT CRAIG UNIVERSITY. I,LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I MET OUR FAMOUS FOOTBAI~ COACH. I REMEMBER HOW ~ WALEED INTO THE DRESSING ROOM AND BAlD -- FI T,~O "I O'I fl 'I,i,i9
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) DENNIS : • ) -13- All right, you men ... I want all the linemen to go out and practice tackling ... The ends brush up on pass receiving ... Half-backs will put in two hours each bucking the line . .. The full-back will spend the whole day trying to kick field goals ... and you -- you.re playing quarter, aren't you? JACK: (REG, MIEE) Yes sir ... what shall I do? DENNIS: Scratch my back. JACK: (FILTEN) THIS WAS A THRILLING MOMENT FOR ME ... AT IAST I HAD M~ THAT GREAT COACH ... ITCHY DAY . ° AS I STOOD TH~E SCRATCHING HIS BACK, HE LOOKED AT ME AND YELLED -- DENNIS: (IN RHYTHM) DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN, HARD,q, HA~ ... DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN, HARDEN, HA~D~ .. JACK: (REG. MIEn) Now wait a minute, Coach, I don't want to do ~. big high school football star. s, l~e DENNIS: you're in college now and everybody starts f~om scratch. JACK: Hmmm. DENNIS: And another thing .. we observe strict training here~ JACK: Yes sir. DENNIS That means no partles, no dancing, and no dates with gi~Is. ~ACK: But Coach, if we can't date the gimls, don't the girls get i one some ? DENNIS: No, some lumberjack keeps chasing them. JACK: What? DE~NIS : (wOt~ H0%%) JS ATRO? 0181450
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JACK: (FILTER) ALL THROUGH OUR FRESHMAN YEAR COACH DAy KEPT US IN RIGID TRAINING. HE WAS A STRICT DISCIPLINARIAN, AND %~HEN IT CAME TO FOOTBALL KE WAS A pERFECTIONIST . .. COAC}~-S TRAINED THEIR pLAYERS BY HAVING THEM THROW FORWARD PASSES THROUGH AN AUTOMOBILE TIRE ... COACH DAY USED A LIFESAVER ... WITK MY GLASSES, T~AT WAS A CINCH... WE FINISHED OUR SEASON UNBEATEN AND TO CELF~ATE OUR SUGS~SSj ~ COL~GE EAD A BIG DANCE FOR ALL THE pLA~S .., IT WAS T~N, THAT I SAW ~. MARy: Hello, handsome. JACK: SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL . .. AND I HAD A HUNCH SHE WAS POPULAR, TOO • .. SHE WAG WEARING A HUNDP~ AND SIXTY-FOUR FRATESNITY PINS .,. NO DRESS, JUST FRAT~qNITY PING ... BME SMILED AND CAME JINGLING TOWARDS ME ,.. B~ORE I KNEW IT, WE WEqE DANOING TOGETH}~. (0RCH: pLAYS SOFT DANCE MUSIC ...SUSTAIN IN B.G.) JACK: (REG. MIKE) Gee, you dance swell. MARY: TImnks .. Bey, youtre on the football team, erentt you. JACK: Uh huh ... how did you know? MARY: You're stepping on my feet with your spiked shoes. JACK: Oh, I'm sorry ... Gee, you,re a beautiful glrl ... I wish ZA~OU and I could -- ~ . . / ~ > -- -- -" ( roszc OUT) MARy: PAPA, DINN~ IS READY. JS AIX01 0'18i451
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JACK: -15- (FILTER) THAT MADE ME ADMIRE HER EVEN MORE ... F0R T~IOUGH SHE WAS THE MOST POPULAR GIRL IN .SCH00L# SHE STILL THOUGHT OF }~ P00~ HUNGRY FAT}IE~ IN PLAINFIEI~. I DIDNtT SEE H~ AGAIN TILL THE FOLLOWING FALL ... RIGHT BEFC~E OUR FIRST GA~ WITH POWELL UNIV~ITY ... I ILL NEVER FORGET TEAT ............................ ~... AND AS OUR TEAM CAME OUT ON THE GRIDIR0~, THE HUGE THRONG CHEWED, AND OUR GLEE CLUB SANG OUR SCHOOL SONG. JS A]'~O 1 018'1452
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(, A QUART : GE YOU'VE GOTTA BE A FOOTBAI/~ }~R0 TO GET ALONG WITH THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN SPI~E OF ALL A MILLION DOLLARS CAN DO A TACKLE OR TWO WILL MEAN MORE TO YOU THE FACT THAT YOU ARE RICH OR HANDSOME WON'T GET YOU ANYTHING IN CURLS YOU GOTTA BE A FOOTBAL~ ~ER0 TO GET ALONG WITH THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS YOU GOTTA SMOKE THAT FINE TOBACCO TO REALLY KNOW WHY A LUCKY IS BEST YOU'VE GOTTA LIG~" A LUCKY THEN AS YOU pUFF YOUILL KNOW SURE ENOUGH TEAT NO PUFF IS ROUGH A LUCKY STRIKE IS BSTT}~R TASTING A LUCKY STRIKE WINS EVERY TEST. YOU'VE GOTTA SMONE THAT FINE TOBACCO TO REALLy KNOW WHY A LUCKY IS BEST. L S MFT, L S MFT FOR ME LUCKIES, LUCKYES, BAH ~ FJiH BUY A PACK--I~OR-MAW-~RAW~--- A LUCKY STRI~ IS BETTER TASTING ITS ROUND AND FIRM AND FULLY TACKED A LUCKY STRIKE IS MADE MUCH BETTER THAT'S NOT A CLAIM, NO SIR, THAT IS A FACT AND C PROVE IT ~LET'/~pY AND GO LUCKY STRIKE. -16- 81"MO1 0181453
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( TNIP~ ROUTINE) JACK: (FILTER) -17- THEN THE GAME STARTED. (SOUND: REFEREe'8 W~STLE...KICK OF FOOTBAI~...BIG C~) JACK: I TOOK THE OPENING KICKOFF, BOP WAS THROWN FOR A LOSS..ON OUR h~EXT TWO PI~YS WE WERE STOPPED COLD...THE OPPOSING TEAM HAD TH~ BIGGEST LINE IN FOOTBALL...HIS NAME WAS DON WILSON...ONCE I RAN AROUND HIS END AND WAS OUT OF BOUNDS BY TEN YARDS...BUT ALTHOUGH }~ WAS MY OPPONENT, I HAD TO ADMIRE HIS ABILITY. JACK: (REG. MIKE) Nice tackle, Wilson. DON: It was tough stopping you. JACK: I llke that football uniform you.re wearing. DON: Thank you. JACK: ISve never seen such big shoulders...whe$ have you got them padded with? DON? My stomach. JACK: (FILTER) THE GAME REMAINED A SCORELESS TIE UNtIL TEE LAST QUARTER WHEN I INTERCEPTED A FoRwARD PASS AND RAN IT BADK FOR A TOUCHDOWN... T}[~ CROWD WENT WILD. ORCH: KR A Z I N S K AV -- JACK: (~LLPNG...ON REGULAR MIEn) I CH~GED IT, I CHANGED IT. JACK: F~FI ~ WON THAT GAME gEVEN TO NOTHING...AND T}~ NEXT T~qEE GAMES, TOO...BUT THEN I RAN INT0 TROUBLE... BECAUSE OF ALL T~ TIME I SPENT ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD I NEGLECTED )X STUDIES...OF ALL MY SUBJECTS, I WAS POOREST IN IATIN...AND ONE DAY IN CLASS I WAS FORCED TO ADMIT TO THE LATIN PROFESSOR THAT I HADN'T STUDIED THE LESSON. CE A1~0'1 0"1814S4
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\ b -18- JACK: (RFG. MIKE) I'm sort%r, Professor, I~ not pyepared. P.~q,: Oh, for shame: JACK: Perhaps if you ask me another question, I might be able to answer it, PHIL: Very well...tl~anslate this: When Julius Caesar left Egypt to ~eturn to Ro~e, he said to Cleopztra, "Hoo semperls .~ ' "- evictum quo faoere posset pluribus fldelIumme~,ous sggrerium." JACK: ...Hm~mm...I don.t know, P~ofessor...whst does Q~Ho0 se~perIs evictum quo facere possit plu~ibus fldelium mzrous aggrarium'~ , Wh4n ~ou say I beE youp pardon, then fill come b~0k to you. JACK: Oh. P~:~I hope you,If he better prepared for tomorrow's lesson. JACK: Yes sir...What are we studying tomorrow? PHIL: The works of Agustus the Fifth, Horatio the Fifth, Octavius the Fifth, and Cassius the Fifth...Lov_~e them fifths. JACK: (FILTER) I 8TUD~]~D MY [ATIN HARD AND HE FINAI~ PASSED ME WITH A MARK OF EIGHTY-SIX PROOF...~ }~4D GROWN Ih~O A PROFESSOR OF DISTINCTION...T}~N CA~ T}~ DAY OF OUR FINAL GAME OF THE SFASON...WE WERE UNDEFEATED AND A VICTORY NOW WOULD MEAN TME 00NFERENOE CHAMPIONSHIP...E~/SEAT IN T~ STADIUM WAS FILL~. WHAT A THRILL I FELT AS T}~ pREGAME C~qEMONIES STARTED AND OUR SCHOOL B~ND TOOK THE FIELD...ALL EYES WERE ON THE BAND, DRES~ IN THE~ GLEAMING UNIFORMS, AS THEY MARCHED AROUND THE FIELD pLAyING. MEL: (DOES ORGAN INITATION WITH HANDs -- "BEG PARDON SONG") OE
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\ \_ 1 JACK: THEN THE GAME 4~ IT WAS A BRb~AL }~RD~FOUGh~ CONTEST. .... T}~ FIRST HALF ENDED IN A SCORELESS T~...WE W~Nr bACK TC TO OUR DRESSING ROOM, AND OUR OOACH LOOKED AT US AND SAID; DEN~IIS: Grunf Nlg Fnul Imf FGmansnook Niff Meyg Noof. JACK: THIS WASNIT A COMMERCIAL, ~ ~ HOLDING SECRET SIGNAL pBACTICE. THEN THE SECOND HALF STARTED. T}~ GAME REMAINED DEADLOCKED UNTIL THE FOURTH QUARTER W~EN WE GOT A BREAK... I INTERCEPTED A PASS. I BHOE~ AWAY FROM THE SAFETY MAN HAD A CLEAR FIELD FOR A TOUCHDOWN WHEN I SUDDENLY RFALIZED IT WAS ALL IN VAIN...T}~RE WAS A HANDKERCHIEF ON THE PLAY... ANGRILY I RUS~ UP TO THE REF~IEE A~D SAID: JACK: (REG. MIKE) Did you d~p your handkerchief? NELSON: O0000000000H, DID I! JACK: What.s the penalty for? NELSON: Youe backfield was in motion. JACK: What? NELSON: You nevez, should have taken those rhumba lessons from Arthur Murray. JACK THE RES ...AND WITH ONE MINUTE LEFT GO, TNE CROWD W~/GOING WILD. (SOUND: CROWD CHEERS...CONTINUE UNDER LAST SPEECH) JACK: I RECEIVED T~ BALL AND FADED WAY BACK AND THRI~ A LONG FORWARD PASS TO THE FULLBACK., °HE GRABBED IT IN MIDFIELD. HE EVADED TWO TACKLERS AND HEADED FOR THE GOAL LINE...~ CROSSED THE THIRTY, THE TWE~[fy, THE TEN, OVER THE GOAL LINE, INTO THE END ZONE, UP INT0 THE STANDS AND TNEN HE STARTED CHASING THE GIRLS....IT WAS AT THAT MO~h~ THAT I REALIZED TEE ~ WAS TNE LUM~JAOK, , ,SO IT WAS HE AND NOT I WHO WAS SATURDAY'S }~R01 (APpLAUS~ AND PLAYOFF) SE ATHO'! 0~8~456
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," - . lasm /" ~CK: Ladies and gentlemen, our stockpIXe of blood p gravelx depleted by the demand8 of t~ campaign, and ~%js imperative that action be t2X~ to insure an adoq~ ~upp~-~ for ~o .... ~, plo~e ~o to the blood bank in ~" dries and contribute. It's ~jmember folks, ~ gift of blood is a gift from the he~ ,.,~__(_~_x~ ................ DON: Jack will be back in Just ~ moment, but first --- i CE fl7"~01 018'1457
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Is C/ f THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, NOVEMB~ 18, 1951 CL0~ING COMMERCIAL S~RBUTT : LUCKIES ...... TASTE ...... BETTER ~ Yes, there's better taste In Lucky Strike because L~ckies' fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco goes into a cigarette thet is the best made of all five principal brands! These are not just claims -- they are facts that prove LUCKIF~ ARE NADE BETTER IN EVerY WAY. Facts by leedi~ laborstory consultants. One of tbese, F~moehllng and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia, reports - MARTIN: It is our concl~slon that LUCKY STRIE~ Is the best made of th~ five major brands. SHARBUTT: So don't be mi~led by the smoke screen of claims and empty promises made by other cigarettes. Remember the proven facts of Lucky Btrlke quality. Enjoy the mild, rich taste of fine tobacco iu the cigarette that smokes smoother because it's made better -- the olgarette that tastes better-°L~oky Strike. You,ll prove it yourself by trying a carton of LUOKIES today. CHORUS : Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Get Better Taste Be Happy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) • SHARBUTT : GB RTH01 0181458
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TAG JACK: (Rsvlaso) -~i- Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes the tenth progrem of this series and we,ll be -- (SOUND: PRONE RINGS) JACK: Get that, will you Mary? MARy: Okay. d MARY: Hello,..yes, this Is Mar~...oh Pa&2~. ...youlre having dinner at home? Then you heard me°..Papa it's silly for you and Mams not to talk to e~h other....oh, all right, If you want me to, I'II do it. (SOUND: RECE~ DOWN) MARy: Jack, let me at that microphone. JACK: Huh? MARy: Mama, pass p~pa the mashed potatoeB.. 0Goodnlght, M~ma...,good goodui~ht, Papa. JACK: Goodnight, folks, (APPLAUSE AND i~JSIO) D0~hls IB Don Wilson rem~nding you to listen to Stay tuned for the Amo~ follows immedlatel~....The Is heard by our Armed Forces overse~ugh the facilities o~h& Armed Forces Radi vice... S. RADIO NETWORK. LW R]X01 0181459
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DONs 22 Ladiee and Sentl~en, our etu~kpLlo of blood plaela ham besn lr&yel,v devoted by the d~a~d| of tbe Korean oLmpaigna a~ it la imperative that •orion ~e taken tu lzau~e a~ ede~uath su~ly roady for im~tHiath uao .°. ~o~ please go to the blood ba~ In your title, and e~ntrttuto. I~ll needed ~dly. Thim in an urEQ~t requolt° In th~ Los Anples aro~ the th~ephono n~r im IX~kirk 4-5261~ Dunkirk ~-~61. ~.lolt~r~ • gift of blood im • gift from tho ~•rt. Thil l| ~on ~il~n romindini you ~ listen to Your Hit Parade with Gu~ Loa~ardo evor7 Tharoday night, preelnt~ L~eky 8~rik~ °.° Ooneult 7our ~wlpaper for time and mtatth~. tuned f~r the ~m Inl ~ndy Bh~w ~hleh fol~N lm~dimth~ ... T~ ~a~k ~n~7 ]~o~m li h~ b~ ma~ £r~od Fore~a ovore•al throu~t the ~ael~ltthm of tho £raed Yoraem ~a~lo 8orviee °;. ~2 ~]~01 0'1B'1460
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PROGRAM #11 REVISED SCRIPT SUNDAY s A~RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY BTRIKE THE JACK BENNY pROGRAM NOVEMBER 25~ 1951 OBS ] E~ ~-a~e~-~ ~ 4:00-4:30 PM PBT J J R7~401 01814.61
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\ (RIRS ROUTI (AFTER OOM~RCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DOE: T}~ LUCKY STRIKE pROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARy LIVINGSTONE, PHIL BARRIS, ROCK~BT~, DENNIS DAYs AND "you~ TRULY'' DON ~ILBON. (APplAUSE..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) ,] DON: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTI~MEN, HERE IT IS SUNDAY AGAIN. SO I~'S GO OUT TO JACK BENNY'S HOUSE IN BEVERLY HillS. (SOUND: BLIGHT PAUSE.,PHONE RINGS..LONG PAUSE.. PHONE RINGS....LONG PAUSE..PHONE RINGS.. LONG PAUSE, .PHONE RINGS) ROCH: (SLIGHT PAUSE) HER HE~ }~..WE MAY NOT BE FUNNY, BUT WEW-E SURE GUT SUSPENSE : (SOU~: SLIGHT PAUSE..PHONE RINGS...THR~ FOOTSTEPS EOOH: 4 MR. BENNy'S RESIDENCE..STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO...A~D IS BEGINNING TO GET A FEELING OF SECURITY IN TELEVISION. ~ OH, ~,TSD, SUSIE. HUH? OH NO, HONEY, I CAN'T GET AWAY TODAY, ~. BENNY GAVE ME YESTERDAy OFF. WHERE DID I GO?... NO PLACE.. HE WOULDN'T LET ME LEAVE, I HAD HIM BLITZED ON FOUR GA~S. J~ OH-OH, JI'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, SUSIE, GOODBYE. (SQUND: RECEIVER DOWN, DOOR OPENS) JACK: Good morning, Rochester. ROCH: GOOD MORNING, BOSS..HOW DID YOU DO AT THE WEDDING LAST HIGHT? JACK: Oh, It was--Walt a ~nute..Ro~hester, how d~d you k~ow I went to a wedding? J R'J'~01 0'181462
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~-~i¸ ~ ~: • ~ ~_L¸ !" ,~--. •~A•,'~ ~-.T~.~¢~ ~-~ ~± ~__ ~_ i I I Im J ~l , ROCH: WELL, I 09-ERHEARD YOU "ON THE PHONE IAS~ NIG~£ AND YOU DICKERING ABOV2 THE PRICE, JACK: All ~,ight, all ~Ight. I'll neve2 take that kind of a Job again. Wb~t z ~eddlng..what p~ople..I net only got home at fouP o'clock in th@ morning, but I haven't ~ven got the three bucks. ROCH: W~Y, WHAT HAPpENED? JACK.,: WhAle I was kissln~ the bride, the ~room ploked my pocket. But..maybe he needed it. (BAGBY PLAYS ONE FI~GE~ VERSION OF ~AOK'S SONG) JAOK; P~ch~te~, ~he s at the piano playing my song? EOOH: I DON'T E~OW. JACK: Well, let's go sse. (SOU~D: FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) JAOK: Look, it's Polly. ( PL~NO STOPS) ~L: (SQUAWKS AND W~TS~ES) JACK: Polly, you played Daddy's song on the piano: ROOH: SHE CAN SING IT, TOO. tgTH01 0'18'~463
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JACK: iV~L: JACK: R0CH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY: k~ JACK : _3~ Slug it? (SlNGS) (ACCC ........ ~ ........... r:A~:O~ WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR pARDON, THEN I'LL C0~ BACK TO YOU. (SQUAWK) WHEN YOU ASK ME TO FORGIVE yOU, l'LL RE~URN. (SQUAWKS AND WHiSTLeS) d Boohester, she knows th~ words and tousle perfectly. Where did she ~ee a copE of my song? I LINED THE BOTTOM OF HE~ CAGEWITK IT. Oh, for heavens sakes. I thought you always covered the bottom of Polly's case with tb~ funny papers. I HAD TO STOP. LITTLE OBPHANANNIE HAD}~q IN TEARB. Well, that's,ho~s~Isilllest..- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZE~) Rochester, put Polly back In her cage, I'ii get the door. (SOUND: F00TSTE~) (SINGS) LTKET~ SWALLOWS AT SE~RANO RETURN TO CAPISTRANO FOR YOU -- (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary, come on In. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) Jack, I've got to tell you the cutest thing that happened on my way over here. JL hl1NO'l 018 1464
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" \ MARY: Well...it~-s~P~a nlce day %~I thought I'd walk...and as I came to W~Ishlre Boulevard, i~s standing on the curb waiting for the t~affic...when a little fello~ came up to me and said, "May I help you across the street?" JACK: Uh huh. NARY: And Jack, he w£s so cute, I couldn't refdse. I gave him r~ hand and we walked across. Then when we got to the Other side, he kissed me. JACK: Aw that's cute. This little boy kissed you? MARy: Wh~t little boy, he's a jockey at Santa Anita. JACK: No. M~Y: I had to llft ~ up yet. JACK: Well Mary, that will teach you to-- (BAGSY PLAYS ONE FINGER V]~%SION OF JACK'S SONG..CONTINUES pLAyING T}~ROUGHOUT SCENE) JACK: Oh, for heaven sakes, there's that blrd again. MARY: Jsok, isn't that "your son~? JACK: Yes...polly learnad how to pl~y my song on the piano and she won't stay in her cage. (CALLS) ROCHESTER, GET POLLy BACK 1N HER CAGE! BOCH: OKAy. (OFF) COME ON, GET AWAy FROM THE PIANO: MEL: (SQUAWK) ROCK: COME ON, ~, GET AWAY FROM TME PIANO. (PIANO STOPS) JL
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(~\ ME, L: JACK: si signor. (SQUAWK AND WEISTIE) }~m...now she thinks she's Jose itu~bl...Sometimes that bird does the-- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: I'll answer it, Rochestem. (SOUND: FOUR FOOTSTEpS; .DOOR OPENS) a ' DENNIS: ow do you do, sir, would you like to buy some magazines? I JACK: Well, l...Dennis~ DENNIS: Oh hello, Mr. Benny, would you llke to buy some magazines? I've got Look, 0olliers and Red Book. JACK: Dennis, how come you're ~lllng magazines? DENNIS: Well, my father is out of wo~k..my brother is l~Id up with broken leg..and my sister's husband ran away and ]eft he~ with two starving childreo. Wait ~ minute, D~nnis, did ycu~ father lose his job? No. And your brotheP..he broke his leg? No. And your. sister's husbKnd ran off and---Dennls, you haven't got a sister, have you? DENNIS: No. JACK: Then why did you tell me such a story? DENNIS: If you were sympathetic instead of nosey, yould buy a magazine. JACK: DENNIS: • JACK: DENNIS: JACK: RS A 1"l'40 ~1 0"18 '1466
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i© JACK: F~qEY : JACK: DENNIS : ~- MARY : DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK : Now look, Dennis--- (OFF) JACK, WHO'S OUT T}~RE? ONE OF THE HAPPINESS BOYS...Look, Dennis, as long as you stopped by, how about oomlng In and. letting me hear the song you're gonna do on the program? Okay. d (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) Helle, Dennis. Wanna buy ~ magazine? No, she ~oesn't want to buy a magazine, and I don't want to hear another word about magazines. Now what song a~e you gonna sing? "Let Me Collier Sweetheart." Now cut that out. Just sing you~ song...Lst me Collier Sweethesmt... (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG -- "FROSTY, T}~ SNOWMAN" ) ES AI-~O ~ 018146~~
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( MEL: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: A • PItXL: you sang tbmt" beautifully. (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: ~ Thug was very/ , Dennls~ DENNIS : Oh, yeah? JACK: What do you mean, "Oh yeah!" DENNIS: youlre just trying to be nlco to me because you didn't buy a r~agazino. JACK: wFz 'I'm not trying to be nice to you. And as fsm as the magazines are~'~/~ ~ M~" ~/~ - - (PAGBY PIAYS ONE FINGER VERSION OF JACKTS SONG) JACK: ~ ROCNEST~, GET POLLY BACK IN P~R CAGE. ROCH: OKAy...COME ON, POLLY, GET AWAY FROM THAT PIANO. MEL: (SQUAWE~) ROCH: I SAID, GET AWAY FROM THAT PIANO! MEL: (S~UAW~5) ROCK: CONE ON NOW~ (SOUND: TEMPLY BLOCK) ROCHESTER, WHAT WAS THAT? JOSE JUST LAID AN EGG. AN EGG?...DID YOU CATCH IT? LIKE THE SWALLOWS AT S~RANO, IT'S IN T~ FRYING PAN-O. JACK: ~ GOOD GOOD. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) You knows Mary, you won't believe this (OFF) HELL0, ANYBODY HOME? JL A]'~01 0'18~468
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PHIL: DENNIS : PHIL: DENNIS : JACK : JACK: FL~Ry : JACK: Huh?...Oh,~ phil, we're in the den. PHIL: H'ya, Jackson. The reason l----Well..as I live and breathe..Mary. M~d~Y: I'd llke to llve, too, so breathe the other, way. Well, the reatlon I d~opped over was to-- Hello, phil. Oh..~, Dennis. Wanna buy a magazine? Dennis, why dontt you go home?...Now, Phil, what 18 it? JACK: PHIL: Well,~after~he rehearsal yesterday, I got to~_thinking"..~ you said the program was too long and you'd ~'~o make That's right, we'll have to take out about, two That's wh~t llm gettin' ~t, Jackson. Rather than sacrifice any of my sparkling dialogue, I can get the time out of my music. JACK: Reall~? y.~.i 7 PHIL: , Certainl can. cut the allegro movement of my orchestra n~nber and just leave the pizzicato for the violins. JACK: ~...yes....yes, you could. PHIL: And th9 if I have to, I can fade the last eight measures t@ pianissimo, and then segue to the andante. well....what do you think, Mary? you're not going to get mg_ into this. JL A]MO~ 0~81e69
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"< JACK : Well, I think it's a very good suggestion, phil, but we'll do it if e're stuck for time. only ~i PHIL: Say, Jackson, t funny how we fool ou~ audience ~nd make them thlnk,I'm a dumb guy and don't know nothing about JACK: geah....wel~/that's show business. PHIL:>/~~ you know, J~ckson, sometimes I'd like to play something / classical just to show the people I can do it. JACK: ~/% That would be a surprise, phil. What would you play? PHIL: Oh, I don't know...something by Rimsky-Korsakov...or Beethoven...or Schubert...or Willie Hoppe. JACK: Willie Hoppe? p He's ~ ~flllemd champion. What song did he ever write? PHIL: "Please Don'tCh~lkA~C lk About Me When ITm Gone"...Ha ha ha h~... Oh, Harris,~ you sta~ed out as e lousy bandleadem and now ( \ JACK: ~,~/~ Mary, did you hear. that? # 51~Ry: y I'm still sick from "Let Me Collier Sweetheamt". JACK: I don't blame you. Phil, do me a favor will you? Take Dennis and go home? A ionU : DENNIS: ~ ~Y]'~,~ gi Mr.'Benny. //(SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) Era..you know, Msmy, when I got out of bed, I thought IId be able to relax today..but thl8 house is worse than a bus JACK: station. I'~ "1" ,'q 0 "1 0 1 8 'h'l- ;:'0
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MARy: ~ Jack, / YA~Y: JACK: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: -10- if you really want to have some Tun, why donlt you go to the Belmont Theatre and see that new I.ou Holtz- Bert ~[nesler show....Merry-Oo-Round. ~z~/_ ~2~ I've sot tickets to that for Saturday nlght/.%I/q*ea~ it's terrlfJo. I~ll tell you what...I~t's go to ~ movie tonight. Whatls playlns? I don~t know. Let's go down to Hollywood Doulevsmd and take a look. 0kay...~[nere's my hat...0h, there it is...Come on, Mary. ~Z /~ (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) Row, who can that be9 COME IN. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Oh, it's ~ou, Don. Hello, Jack...I brought the Sportsmen Quartet with me. I know, I know. JaCk, were you going ou%? Yes. JL 6'1)'{07 0'18'1421
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-ll- The boys have a wonderful idea DON: I'm so glad v~- caught you. for a commercial. JACK: Don, I,v~a~eady got my hat on, I'm going to a -- DON: But Jack~t~is idea is really terrific. JACK: I don't care how terrific it Is, I'm not gonna hear it now... Itm going o~t. DON: But there's a part Sn it where you play your violin. JACK: I don.t e~re if -- my violin? Hold my hat, M~ry. MARY: What about the-movie~ ~ ~,- // Thcqltt q~' t~ ~ Io¢~eit ~dl, t~ ~ew I.to X0~ ~ ev~ vo~ ]lo~ t~8 ~a~t, ~ l~l~lC ~-- R]HO~ 0181422
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ER OK N~ El N F 5E JS 5, IN A ( imago ) j- QUART : -i2- LS~, ~T LUCKIES ARE SURE TO TASTE BE~,R THAN ALL T}~ ~ST. LUCKIES ARE MADE SO MUCH BETTER T~,~ WIN ~%rERY TEST. THAT IS A FACT ~S FRIENDS, A FACT, THAT WE 0AN PROVE. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART: SMOEE A LUCKY, r~M. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART : SOLD Ab~qICAN, ~. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART: ROUND AND FIRM AND Mb~4. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART: FULLY PACK~, b~4. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART: FREE AND EASY, b~@4. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART: ON T_HE DRAW, Mb~4. JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART: ~D LOOSE E~S, r~i. JACK : (VIOLIN ) (eo ) K~ RTH01 0181423
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QUART: MFT REME~iBER THIS FOR SMOKING BLISS YOU CAN NOT BEAT YES, WE REPEAT YOU CAN NOT BEAT TI~M. WHAT A FINE CIGA~E WHAT A FINE CIGARETTE IT'S TNE BEST YOU CAN GET IT,S THE BEST ONE YET TAKE A PUFF, TAKE A PUFF, TA~ A PU~'E. BECAUSE WE HOW YOU CANIT GET ENOUGH ON L~T OH LSMFT IT'S LSMFT LS, LS, LS MFT JACK: (VIOLIN) (A~TER LAUGH - APPLAUSE) -13- ~]~07 0~814?4
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(THIRD ROF£I~E ) JACK: Donj that number ~as wonderful. for He. Thanks for putting in a spot M~RY: Jack f we're going towthe movies, let,s go. JACK: /@k~3~...~ay, I>pn, would y4u and the S~ortsmen hike to Join us? We,re going to see a picture. DON: JACK: MARY: JACK: Well, thanks, Jack, but live got to run along home, and the boys have to rush down town. Oh, that,s right. The~ open this week at the Biltmore Bowl. ]bw did you know? I booked them there. I figured they'd tether hsve that than my lousy Christmas prese~t...Well, come on, Narq, letts go to the movie. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) DON:~ Oh Jack, here,s your hat. JACK: Hat? DON: Yes, you put ~our violin on your hesh. g JACK: Oh yes 'm Bo~ry...Come on, Mary. (TRANSITION MUSIC : ) V~Y : JACK: (SOUND: TRAFFIC AND STREET NOISES UP AND FADE TO B.G. ...FOOTSTEPS WALKING...FADE TO B.G. AND SUSTAIN) You know Jack, Nolly~ood Boulevard always looks so pretty this time of the year. You're right, Mary...Sauta Claus Lane is really decorated for Chrlstmss, (TAKES DF/~P BREATH) Ahh, the air sure smells good tonight. RI~O I 01 8 '1.¢,'~5
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-15- MA~Y: Yeah, that raln we had really clesmed things up. J C :/~ he ~mog has been so heavy lately, you could almost cut it with a knife. MARy: You know, Jack, since the s~iog cleared away, I learned somethlng,~resting about that six story building on the CO net }~ r of ollFwood and Vine. JACK: What about it? MARY: It,s twelve stories. JACK: No kidding. (SOUND: TRAFFIC NOISES UF A LITTLE) JACK: Here, Mary, let me take your a~m while we cross the street. MARY Jack, you can,t cross now, the light's against you. 4 A]NO~ 0'18~476
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JACK: MARy: JACK: MARY : JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY : JACK: - _ MARY: Neve~ mlodj But Jack -- Come on. (SOUND: come on, let's go. -16- FOOTSTEPS..SCP~H OF BRA~...PAUSE..AUTO BORN ..SCREECH OF BRAKES BUT DIFFERENT FROM FIRST AS SECOND CAR sToPS..%HID HONKING OF ANOTHER HORN ..A~DSCREECH OF BRAKES OF THIRDCAR. ..THEN FOOTSTEPS AGAIN FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS) Oh brother, what you won't do since you Joined ~he Blue Cross. Blue Cross, Blue Cross~.I was in a hurry. Now come on, let's make up our mind about'vhat picture We want to see. Well, I hear The Blue Vell is Wonderful. Jane Wyman ~nd Charles Laughton are in it. How about that? 1,~ll..all rig~at..but I'm a little peeved at Jane Nyman..~/~Z,~~ # She's been acting so stuck up since she won the Academy ~ward. I've never noticed any change in her. Well I have.. A couple of weeks ago she passed me on the street acd didn't even say %ello" to me. ~ell, Jack, did she ever ~peak to you before she won the Oscar? JACK: ~(/.,Come to think of it, no...But she could at least-- ~RY: Jack, Jack..look what's playlng here at G~aumao's Chinese.. JACK: ~%RY: JACK: Golden Girl, and Dennis Day is in it. Oh >as. Let's go in and see it. Okay. I'll get the tickets this time. (SOUND: COUPLE OR FOOTSTEPS) RS ~:~ T,~O I 018147P
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l BLANCHE: JACK: BLANCHE: JACK: BI~,NCHE: JACK: BL&NC}~: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: JACK: VEOLA : JACK: V~OLA : JACK: ~fh 0LA : RS -17- HOW many~ please? Two.. in the balcony. I'~l So~y, We do~It h~ve ODe. Gee, that's funny. I always thought this theatre had a [~loony. So did I, untl] dle smog cleared. Nokldding. Yeah...Geej I wonder what hsppened to all those people I sent up there . I'nJ sure I don't know...Two ~egular~, please. Yes slr...here you are. (SOUND: TICKETS BEING PUNCHF~ OUT) Thank you. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON CEM~T...THEN STOP) Tickets, please. Here you are. You'll find seats iD the cente~ aisle. Thank you...Come on~ Mary. (SOUND: SOFT FOOTSTEPS 8TOP...DOOR OPENS AND WE HEAR LIGHT THhb%TRF NOISES) Gee, it's so dark in here, I can hardly see. That's all right, Ma~y...here comes the usherette with a flashlight. (STRAIGH~ NICE VOICE) May I help you, please? Yes~weTd llke two seats. Follow me...Eow far down? Oh..about mld-w6y. Yes sir... Center or on the aisle? ~T)401 018 14?8
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4-¸¸¸ E~'~HY: In t.he center, please. ~01~: Xes, ma re~)... (SCU~D: MUSIC AS "T}{0UOH COFiING FROM SCRk~N... TP~%VELOGUE TYPE MUSIC...UP AR~ FADE) JACK: Gee Mary, w~'r~ lucky...we came in durLng the t~avelogue. V£;0LA: Here we 8re...will these two seats do? NARY: 0h, they,re fine. VEOIA: I'm so gl-ed..l~Iel~e, Miss, let mo holp ~ou off with your coat. Thel~e yoo ~%l~e. MARZ: 'Thaok you. VEOIA: l~ow let me help you with ~our coatj sir...There you are. JACK: Thank ~'ou. VE01~%: Now pucker up. JACK: Pucker up? VEOLA: Yes, I 'm ~oiD~ to kiss you. Here. (VEOLA O0~0V~R~ ~/,~0 JACK_ P/~D GIVES HIM A BIG ]([$$) JACK: Say,~what is this? VEOLA: Since television, we're giviog all the sepvice we can. JACK: ~.. Sit do~n~, Mary. (SOUND: MUSIC FROM SCREEN UP AhD FADES DO, iN) ~L: (FILTLR..AS THOUGH ON SCREEN) AND SO, IT I5 WITH HEAVY HEART THAT k~ SAY FAFL~ELL TO THE PICTUI~QUR LITTI~ T0~q~ OF SFPJ~,N0...BEAUTIFUL SERRAN0 FROM ~?r~NCE THE SWALLOws CAME. MARY: ~4f~emee? JACK: Yes Whence...~s~-let,s watch the show. (BAhD PLAYS F~/~'AP~ OF T%r~NTIETH CENTURY FOX 'S PICTURE 0P~ING, THE~{ PLAYS 14USIC SOFTLY ~$ UNDER CREigITS) J ES I~I'NO'I O181~P9
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-19- MARy: Jack, the feature's starting. JACK: Yeah...Gee, tbls woman sitting in front of me...She's wearing such a big hat I can ha~lly see anything. ~A~Y: Well, ask her to take it off. JACK: Yeah, I will... (UP IN VOICE A BIT MORE) Excuse, me, Madam, I can,t see the picture,...Would you please l%gmovo ~ou~ hat? VERNA: NO, i ~rON'T! JACK: Hm~...1~ok Madam, all I h~ ~c~ ~ .... QUART : Shh.. ° shh. MARTY : Qulet I MARy:Jack, that lodyXs voioe...it sounded famlliar. JAOK: ~9~, I know Iive heard it before hut I can't seem to ream mbem -~ VERNA : QUIET BACK THERE, I WANT TO ENJOY MY SON'S PICTURE. MARY: Jack, it's Dennis' mother. JACK: Say, that's mightl MARY: Well, I'm surprised that sha~s here .... I thought she was out of town. /. JACK: ~, She osme baok,,~.the abalone diving season is OVer. MARy: Jack...nlsybe if you speak r~tcely to her and tell her w~m you are she'll take off her hat. JACK: I'll try°..Excuse me, Mrs. Day...I'm Jack Benny. VERNA : Wh_~o ~ ozq~ t~ passes! JACK: No one gave me passes...I bought my own ticket. ° .and I bought one for Miss Livingstone too... ~NA: ~. ain't you the ~ one: ~1-~0~ 0'18J~80
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JACK : QUART : GUER ~ : YI,RY : JACK: JACK: NARY : JACK: MARY : JACK: MARY: DENNIS : MARY : DENNIS : JACK : DENNIS : JACK: VERNA : JACK : DENNIS : JACK: ,,. m_ Now look, Mrs. Day... Shh... shhh. / Cut out that talking. Jack, Jack....let's watch the picture. Well.. ,all right. Oh...Look, there's Dennis on the ~oreen now...Gee, he'8 cute. ,~ M~ry, are you sure ~'e've come %o the right picture? Certalnly... why ? ~ii, look at the screen....Dennls is ~'earing The Blue Veil. You're looking st him through his mother,s hat. Oh.. I wish I could see. / W~.Jack, stop complainlug. There's a tall fellow sitting in front of m~, too. It's me, Mary. Dennls~ how come you're so tall? I'm sitting on my magazines, Oh for heavens sakes...Dennis, do you mean you've been sittius there all the time your mother'e been fighting with me .~ Uh huh. I spend my good money to see your picture and you sit there end let ~our mother say the most a~Tul -- ~GT6, SHUT UP. ~la t ? YOU HEARD ~ER, SHE SAID, ~HH, SHUT UPI I,M NO~ GONNA SHUT UP! I CAME }~qE TO SEEA MOVIE, AND -- RTH01 018"148"1
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-91- QUART: S~h....shh. ~,IL: (MOOL:£'Y) HEY, THROW THAT BUM OUTJ JACK: kT~t? ~IEL:Yo~ heard me -- bum, JACK: BUM~ ~0 A~E YOU TALKING TO? M~L: YOU, AND IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I,LL PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN T}iE ~08E. JACK: WEI~,, I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO, I BELONG TO THE BLUE CROSS! COME ON, MARY, LET'S GO. (APP~U~E & pLAyOFF) hllNO'I 0181482
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• JACK: -22- Ladies and gentlemen, you~ a~,med forces are short of three hundred thoussnd pints of blood a month, s shortage thst may cost us thousands of American lives. We k~ow you s~e going to give blood. We ask thst you ~Ive it now. Call your Bed 0ross today. This is an urgent request. In the Los Angeles area the telephone number is DuukJ/,k ~-5261. Doz~irk ~-5261. Rememb)~, 8 gift of blood is a gift from the heart. Thank you. (APPLAUSE) DON: Jack will be back in just a moment, but first .... A]N01 0181483
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(TAG) ~ JACK: JACK: JACK : MEL: JACK: JACK : MEL: JACK: (APPLAUSE -23- Well/that finishes auother program and we'll--- (SOUND: ~OCK ON DOGR) Come in. (S0~CND: DOOR OPENS) (STRAIGHT) Mr. Benny? Yes. I represent the National Radio Magazine and on behalf of our readers, I want to present you with this award. Award? Yes. It's for meritorious service toward all the radio listeners in America. ~y, what did I do? Here it is T~nksglvingweek and yo~ didn't have one joke on your program about a turkey. Well, thank you very much ..... Goodnlght, folks. DON : This is Don Wilson remiuding you to listen to Your Hit Parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike...Oonsolt your newspaper for time and station .... Stay tuned for the Amos 'n' Andy Show which follows immedtately....The Jack Benny program is heard by our Armed Forces overseas t~ough the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Se~vlce .... THIS IS THE C~S RADIO NETWC~K. RT~01 01111484
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~ i~ ~!i:/!!i!!~:/ili,:II¸¸ i" '¸ :I ¸ ¸¸¸¸ i;"~~ ~~~~ : ::~¸¸~¸¸
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pROOF~M #i~ L (:~: ~ , ~ REVISED SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY~" " LUCKY STRIK~ ~ JACK BENNY pROGRAM 19~i CB5 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBED, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 95, 1951) & JL I~I "1-)40 'l 0"18 '14 86
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c/ THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM OPENING COMMERCIAL SI ~BVPT : 7'!HTIN : ~h~T IN : SKARBV~2 : SHARBb~TT : \ T}~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM . .. presented by LUCKY STRIKE: And now a word of interest to smokers. For years ?curve heaPd talk -- double-talk -- words about noses -- words about throats -- empty promises ... cigarette advertisizg is filled with them. Now this smoke screen of double talk is swept away by fsots ... not claims ... facts. The facts are that Luokies' fins, mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into a olgaret$e thst's made better -- th~t,s fully packed -- that has no ~noying loose er~s to spodl the taste .,. a cigarette th~tls made better in eve~ w~. Yes, the fact--s sme that Lucky Str~ke by a wide ~argln is the best made of all five p~Incipal brands of cigarettes -- facts proven by a month-after-month quality sompamlson based on te~ts certified to be impartial, fair and identical And these tests -- these facts a~e verified by leading laboratory consultants. Fo~ example, Foster D. Snell, Inc., of New York City ~epoPts .... In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigsrette smoke. We conclude that Lucky StrIMe ~s the best-made Of the five ~lajor brands. JC £ ] ,~0"1 018148?
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('! 'T~ JACK BENNY PROGRA/~ S~k¥, NOVF~[SEE 25~ 1951 OPhl;ING COmmeRCIAL (CONI~D) MARTIN: Yes, Luckles taste better -- al~ays so mild, so smooth, so fi~ and fresh -- with bette~ taste in every puff. ~L~RBUTT: So prove to ~ourself the proven facts -- don.t be misled by the smoke screen o£ claims made by other cigarettes. Remember the facts and enjoy really fine, d mild, good-tasting tobacco in the cigarette that tops all five prlnoipal brands for quality -- the cigarette that tastes bettor-- Lucky Strlkel Try a carton today: ( ~tU~L v/~P) CHORUS: Be Happy -- Co Lucky Go Lucky Strike today; (LONG CLOS~) \ JC R]H01 0181488
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v >- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AF%~R COF~OIAL, MDSIC UP AND DOWN) D,~N : -1- THE LUCKY STRIE~ PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, P}~L HARRIS, ROC}~STER, DENNIS DAY, T~ SPORTSMEN QUARTET, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APpIAU~E..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: AND NOW, I~DIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GO DOWN TOWN TO A LOOAL DEPARTMENT STORE WHERE JACK AND MARy HAVE GONE TO DO T}~IR T CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. (SOUND: DEPARTMENT STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) JACK: Gosh Mary, no matter how early you do your S~mlstm~s shopping, the stores are ~lways crowded• NARY: yeah. JACK: Now let's see...I have to get a present for my producer, my sound effects men...my engineer., .my script girl-- MARy: By the way, Jack, what are you giving your four writers? JACK: '~Oh,..something they can really use. MARy: What ~s that? JACK: A fifth writer~.~.~knT~/hat to get everybody in the cast but Don Wilson.•. Kave you any suggestions? MARy: well, the jewelry counter is over there. Why don't you get him a nice pair of cuff links? JACK: Say, that's a good idea. Come on, Mary. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) JACK: Here we are. JL R]'N01 0181489
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-3- / yes sip. Have them gift wrapped and see that Mr. Wilson gets it before Christmas...CBS, Hell,cod. ~L: yes s~r. JACK: Come on, M~y..let's go to the sporting goods section. I want to pick out something for Phil. MARY: Watt a minute, Jack. I ~ant to stop at the hosiery counter first. JACK: Okay. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS) BIANC~: May I help you? MARy:~ I'd like to see some nylons, please. BLANCHE: S~ely. Are they for yourself? MARy: No...they're for my sister. JACK: Oh, you're buying Nfor Babe? MARY: 5,t-abe./~. BIANCHE: What size? MARy: Sixteen and a half. BLANCHE: I..I beg you~ pemdon? What size stocking did you say? MARy: Sixteen and a half. BLANC}~: Madsm, the boxes don't come tha___~t big. JACK: Mary, maybe you made a mistake. Babe~s feet can't be that large. MARy: Yes they ere, Jack. (LAUGHINGLY) That's why she's in such demand during the grape c~ushing season. ~L: JACK: JL
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JACK: ~" ~L: JACK : }'~L: JACK: HEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: MARy : JACK: MARy: JACK : ~L: JACK : MEL: JACK: -9- (SLIGHT MOOLEY) yes sir, what can I do for you? I'd llke to see some cuff links. Well, ~s have a large variety...All these you see here are a dollar, nlnety-eight. A dol~aw nlnety-elght? yes sfP. Jack, here eme some betteP looking cuff links in this case. Oh yes..I think Don ~ould llke this paIP. They're solid gold. Gold? How much are they? Forty dollars. .... Forty....dollars. The cheap ones turn green. He sure did, didn't he? Hmmm. Look, Jack...Don has been with you eighteen years. It's about time you Eot him something nice. You know, Mary...you,~e right..I'm going to get Don these gold cuff links..he deserves it..Mister..I'll take these forty dollar cuff links. yes sir. Does that ~nclude the engraving? yes yes..we do it right here...It only tnkes a few minutes. Good.. Now clerk, these cuff links are for a friend of mine named Don Wilson, so put a "D" on one cuff link ~nd a "W" on the other, R1~401 018 I~-90
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]7 / / ( % JACK: JACK: ~IARy : JACK: KF~RNS : DENNIS : EE~RNS : DENNIS : EEARNS : DENNIS : Z~;ARNS : DENNIS : EEARNS : DENNIS : KRARNS :, DENNIS: JL Oh..well Mary, why don't you get her present later. I'd like to finish my shopping first. Just a minute, JaCk, as long as ~e're here at the stocking counter, I want to buy a pair for myself. ~don't stockings. I was gonoa give you some have to buy for Christmas. d I'll buy my own...I wore the stockings you gave me last year and everybody thought I was a nm'se. Well, how do I know ~hat kind you want?..Now hurry up, Mary, because I want to pick out something for Phil. (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) 0an I help you, young man? Huh? I said, can I help you? Oh, are you a clerk? Just for the Christmas rush...I'm really Glenn MacCarthy, and l'm only ~orking here to pay my income tax. Oh...Ge% I 'd like to get something for my parents. you~ mother and father, eh? yeah, how did you know? Oh, I just figured it out. 0h...well, I think I'll get my mother a new corset. d 4- ~on t you think she should come down and piok out her own corsst? Oh, Mother hasn't left the house for three d~ys. P, 1"~0"1O'l 8 "~a-9 ]
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KFJ\RNS : IIE!~NIS : DENNIS : K~RNS : DENNIS : KEARNS : JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE : ~ARy: ~RTIE : my nephew tACK: ~ IXonel? Is she sick? No, the string broke on her old one and she ¢anrt get through the door. That's too bad. yeah..we were spending a quiet evening at home when all of a sudden, NOYINNNG~ and steel stays flew in ell directions. Oh my goodness..was anybody hu~t? No, but my father got pinned to the wall,~.Anyway, w~ap up that 81ze forty-four corset and Itll take it with me. yes, si~. (SOUND: ~TORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) Now let's see,~, spoPttng goods counter should be-- Hello, . Benny. ~, hello, Mr. Kitzel. I see the Yuletide Is eatchlng up with ~ou...You too, Miss l~vingstone. yes..A~e ~urdcing~ ~ mas~ our ~istmas s~i~g, Mr. Kitzel? I am buying! For my wife I am getting a house coat and for I am getting some eleotrlc t~ains. ~TIE: No, his name is Sam. lACK: Oh.. d RIH01 0181492
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J -6- ARTIE: Well, excuse me, Mr. Benny. ,lcve gotta %~-over to the liquor department a~d buy a present fo~' my brother. I'm gonna get him ~ome of that~ sire i~poPted brandy. JACK: Napoleon? ARTIE: No, his name is Lionel. JACK: Oh. <~ AETIE~ : Wel]/,/~ goodbye, Mr ~enny. JACK: Goodby% Mr. Kitzel, and Mer~y Christmas. ~Ry: Merry Clmlstmas, Mr. Kitzel. ARTIE: Same to you..(GOES OFF SINGING) you better not pout, you better not ory~ you better ~atch out, I'm telling you why... Santa Claus is coming do~n town. (APPLAUSE) JACK: Now let's see. where was I ~oin~? ... MA Oh Jack, look at the music counte~ They.re featuring De Day's ~eoord, ,~ JACK: Which one? MARy: It's called "Sin". JACK: Oh. (DENNIS ' JL ~TH01 0~8f493
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C/ (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: MARy : JACK: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: -7- Jack, you better get Phil's present. I think the sporting goods is over here. Y yeah, ~e'll go over and -- Just a minute, Mary. What's the matter? I've been thinking about Den's gift. I'm afraid I had it engraved wrong...I'm going back to the Jewelry department.. Come on. (SOU~D: STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) Oh clemk., .clerk. yes, si~. Remember ms? I bought a forty dollsm pair of gold cuff links here a few minutes ago, and yld llke to change the engr&vlng. But, Mister, l've already got it wrapped with ribbon and tinsel and everything. I'm sorry, but I want you to change the engraving, so you'll have to open it up. But Mister -- Now please..I'm a customer here .... Open it up. Okay. (SOU~D: RIPPING OF pAPER) Now what do you want? JL AIMO! 0?81494
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/ (, MARY: -8- JACK: well, the way it is now, therets a "D" on one cuff liuk and a "W" on the other. I'd like you to put both initials on each one of them. ~L: Okay, I~ll go fix it. MARY: Jack, that's ridiculous...What's wrong with it the way it JACK: Well, with Don Wilson it's the only sensible thing to do. ~ When DOn weaes them, people will see the "D" on one cuff llnk, and they'll be curious to see what's on the other one, and I want to save them that long walk...Now clerk, wrap it nicely with the tinsel and~ribbon. MEL: I'll wrap it, I'll wrap it. JACK: Come on, Ma~y. Now we can go to the sporting goods depemtment. (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) JACK: ~Here we are. Gee, they sure have a nice assortment of guns and hunting equipment, Jack. JACK: yes...I thiuk I should be able to get something fo~ Phll ~: her~...LOh, clerk...olerk.. Would ...... ~-~ hc!~i.ug .~--? NELSON: uertai~ly, across which ~isIe? J < JACK: ~Don't be so smart. / MARY: Jack, don't start an smg~nent with him, Just buy phil:s present. JL AIX01 018|495
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JACK : .NEIBON : JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: MARY: JACK: NElsON : JACK: NElsON: JACK: NELSON: JL -9- l~ok, I came here to get something for a friend of mine. ~,~ He's the r~ged type. well, there's always camping equlpment..l>oes he sleep outdoors much? yes .... sometimes right in front of his house. Oh. Gee, I don't know what to get him. Well, while you're making up you~ little mind, I'll wait on another custome~. Oksy...do you mind if I fool around with this gun? Go right ahead, it's loaded. ~..Gosh..you know, Ma~y, it's herd to buy something for %~-- ~ed ~ l£ka Phil. Maybe he'd llke this fishing rod. yeah,,~t~t ~e nice .... oh clerk-- Just a minute, I have othor customers. yes si~...I'ii ~4alt. That111 be eight, seventy-slx, Madam. (SOUND: ( I~NESS~ ) (SOUND: Have you decided on that tennls racquet, young ~n? that'll be twelve, saventy-five. (SOUND: CASH REGISTER BELL..DRAWER OPENS) CASH REGISTER BELL AND DRA~ER OPENS) Gee. CHANGE RATTLES...DRAWE~ CLOSES) Good., . ~]l XO ? O18 I~96
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~ JACK: JACK : NEI~0N: JACK: PHIL: MARy: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: N~YRy: JACK: PHIL: JACK: JL -i0- Gosh (SOUND: CASH REGIST~q DRAWER CLOSES) 0ucht Finall/i/~ot~yo~nose caught in it~ didn't~? Never mind, just give me that flshin$ rod.~W~ap it up and I'Ii call fo~ it later...Come on, Mary, we'll -- Oh-oh, don't say anything. Here comes Phll now. (COMING ON) H'ya, Jackson, Hollo, Livvy, the doll oountert~/~ # Hello, Phil..My, you're certainly carrylng a lot of packages. yeah, I been shopping all day...got peesents for everybody. How about you two? Well, IIm nearly finished with my shopping. ~flve bucks is almost gone, huh? Phil...for your information, I just spent foPty dollams on Don Wilson. W~at did you do, take him to lunch? NO, I -- Look out, Phil, one of your packagos is slipping. (SOUND: CRASH..BREAKING OF BOTTLE WITH SpLASHXNG Imrn it, now K-~ get Remley enothe~ present. • .(INHALES)~'s move a~ay, I'm getting dizzy. See you later, Phil. you~fugltlvo from %- R 1";40 I 0'| 8 "149,~
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-11- PHIL: So long, kids. f~ JACK & k ~ ~J~f : Goodbye, Phil. JACK: Come on, Mary...I still have to bu~ sometbJng for my si~te~ Florence, (SOUND: N01SE8 UP AND DOWN) ~RY: Oh Jack, look...there's Santa Claus. JACK: Yeah...Look at him, with his red suit and white beard. MANY: Jack, he '~ coming toward us. JACK: I'm going to talk to him. Hello, Santa. SHELDON: H'ya, bud. JACK: Huh? SHELDON: Long time no soe. JACK: Come on, Ma~y, let's get away from here. ~- MARY: Jack, wasn't that-- JACK: Yes yes.,.t~t's the tout I always see at the race track... Imagine him of all people being Santa Claus..Now let' s see.. I think I might get something for my si~te~ ~--~Ne---- DON: 2 JACK...JACK. ~! ~Mary.~Gee," what trouble I'm having in t~is store... , ,W. It1777o, I wish I didn't have suoh a big sto~¢h. JAOK : Why? DON: Well, it seems there's a piano missing and they searched ~e three times. JACK: Well, it's youD own fault, Don. You should diet onoe in awhile. I~11U~IO I 0 1 8 "1,~9£1
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Y -19- EON: I guess so..,Oh say, Jack, I'm glad I bumped into you. you think our sponsor would appreciate en unusual glf~ like this? ~RY: Don, what's~unusual about that? It's just a clock. DON: Oh no,* Mary, it isn't Just a clock..°It's a syncopated clock, JACK: ~/ Syncopated clock~ DON: Do Yes, I'ii show you how it works...wait till I wlnd it up. (SOUND: WINDING OF TOY)
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{IIITRO) QUART: N0~ }D~E'S A CI.0CK THAT WORKS AI~, RIGHT IT WORKS ALL RIGHT, BUT NOT EXACTLY QUITE. INSTEAD OF GOING TICK, TOOK, TICK, THE CRAZY CLOCK GOES TOOK, TICK, TOOK. EXPF~TS COME TO HFAR AND SEE Blf~ NONE OF THEM CAN SOLVE T}H~ MYSTERY WE CALI~.-]~ PROF~SOR EINSTEIN, TOO HE SAID, 'rTHERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO". THE MAN WHO MADE IT RAV~ AND RAVED BECAUSE NOBODY COULD SAY WHY THIS BILLY CLOCK BEHAVED THE HECKEEY DOCMERY WAY. IT HAS A SYNCOPATED TICK A STEADy RHYTHM, REALLy KIND OF SLICK IT HAS A BEAT THAT WE ALL LIKE AS PLEASING AS A LUCKY STRIKE.. LUCKY, LUCKY LUCKY STRIE~ ROUND AHE FIRM AND FULLY PAC~, BETTER TASTING THAT'S A FACT. SO LET'S LIGHT UP A LUCKY PUFF ON A LUCKY STRIKE THE SMOKE THAT YOU ~IL LIKE ~]k01 0181500
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DON: # It's running down. I~ii ~Ind it up again. (BOUND: WINDING) QUART: LS, LS, bLOT THAT'S THE CIGARETTE FOR YOU AND ~" BOUND AND FIRM AND FULLY PACKED. ~0 LOOSE END8 AND THAT'S A FACT LS, LS, MP~ ~[~R TASTING. TRY ONE AND YOU.'LLgEE ~, LET'S ALL LIOHT A LUCKY STRIKE. (APPLAUSE) -14- -i RT~OI 0181501
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-15- and I'm sure the sponsor will ( THI[© ROUTINE) JACK: Don, that's a wonderful gift, be crazy about it. DON: I thought you'd llke dr..But Jack, when I send i~ to him, should I sign the card J~st "Don"..or be more formal and sign full ,na~ .Donald Ha~low Wilson? JACK: 1oh, you know him well enough to sign it Don . DON: I guess so..Well, I've gotta run along now~~G~ ~,present for my wlfe..$o long. F~EY& JACK: go long. JACK: Bay Mary, did you hear that? NARY: What? JACK: Don's got a m~ddle name..Harlow..l didn't k~now ~n-. ~ MARY: So what? JACK: So what? Mary, His cuff llnks..Don would never forgive me if I left out his middle initial. M~Y: Jack, you mean you're goln~ to-- JACK: I'II bs back in a minute..I'm gonna get that en~avlng changed. (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) JACK: Oh, clerk, clerk. MEL: (HAppy) Yes sir, what can I --(TRANSITION TO DISGUST) Oh, it' ,you ~ aln. JACK: Yes ~..Z~ve got a slight change for you in that engraving. 0'18 '1502
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I. JACK: JACK : MEL: JACK JECK : JACK : JACK: MARY: JACK : MARY: -16- (SIJG~LY HYSTERICAL) Oh, no, no, no. First you buy the the gift, then I engrave the gift, then I wrap the gift, then you chsnge your mind about the engraving, then I unwrap the gift, then I re-engrave the gift, then I wrap the gift, and now you want me to change the engraving again. Never mind that, just unwrap the gift. ~I I've alrend~ sent it down to the delivery department. Well, you'll Just have to go down there and get it. What was wrong with it? Well, the~e was nothing wrong with it..it's just that I'd like to add some more engraving. More engraving: Look Mlster..-~he~ain't a tombstone, it's a o ff llnk. .... I know, I koow..l want to add hi~middle initial "H". Now go get my package. All ~Ight, all right..(CRIES) I'll get it, I'll get it.. ILL GET IT! (CRIES) H~mj~what an eccentric character. (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) Well, Mary, that takes care of that. Thank heaven..Now let's finish your shopping. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) Say Mary, what do you think I ought to get for my sister Florence? Well, I don't know...Lingerle might be nice. ~I~01 0181503
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i / -17- JAS][: Say..Yeah..that sounds pretty good. (SOUND: NOISES UP AND DOWN) ~J,RY: Oh look, Jack, There's Rochester doing his Christmas shopping, too. JACK: Yeah..Shh, I want to see what he's getting. ROSS: ,C~n I do anything for you? ROOH: ~....I'M IJDOKING FOR A CHRISTMAS pRESENT FOR MY BOSS. ROSS: Your boss, Eh?..Well, would you like something in a neck-tie? ROCH: I DON'T KNOW..TK&T MIGHT BE AlL RIGHT. ROSS: Well, what kind would you like? Wha~ kind of a man Is your boss? ROCK: THE VICTORS AND HEWAIN'T EXACTLY THE QUIET TYpE LIE~ GARY OOOFER...THEN AGAIN, }~ AIN'T EXAOTLY THE BASHFUL TYPE LIKE JIMMY STEWART, AND ON THE OTHER HAND, HE AIN'T ~@~@~4,~ THE AGRESSIVE TYPE LIKE HUMP}~Y BOGART. ROSS: Well, what type is he? RSCH: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS, I JUST KNOW WHAT HE AIN'T. JACK : }Lnnu. ROSS: Well..here's a nice necktie that will fit any t~pe of man.. and it' s only three dollars and fifty cents. ROCH: THR£~ DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS? ROSS: That isn't too much to spend on a present for your employer, ROCH: OH, IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T WANT TO SPEND T~ MONEY, BUT I JUST CAN'T AFFORD IT..HE DOESN'T PAY ME MUCH. A]HO'I 0181504
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Y \, ROSS: RODH: JSCK: RCCH: ROSS: ROCH: ROSS: ROCH: ROSS: ROCH: JACK: NARY: JACK: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: JACK: -18- Oh..Well than here's a nice tie for scventy-nlne cents. HOW MUCH DOWN. How do you like that? REAILY DON'T ENOW WHAT TO G~T HIM. Let me ask you something..what does your boss usually give for Christmas? d •..WELL... Well, what? WELL..IAST YF~R }~ GAVE ~ FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. He gave you five thousand doll~rs? That's h~rd to believe. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE TRL~B HIT~. Come on, Mary, let's go. I want to ---oh, Mary, I just thought of sometb-ing.- Don' s cuff links. Not again? Uh huh...come with me..it'll only take a minute. (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP A~D DOWN) Oh clemk..clerk• Here's the package..I got it up from the delivery room.. And I added the extra initial. Oh that's too bed..I wanta change t~ cuff links. What? Instead of the forty do.llar ones, I'll te/<e the ones that cost a della# nlnety-elght. (SOUND'. GUN SHOT..BODY THUD) Gee, he was such a young fellow, too...Well, I'll take the dollar ninety-eight cuff links and p~t the ~ooey in his hand ...Come on, Mary, letls go. (SOUND: NOISES UP A~D DOWN) AIM01 0181505
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? -19- I,~Y: Jack, if ~ou,re gonna buy lingerie for your sister Florence, I khow Just the~~J~*itL -" .u.CK. Mary.. ,Mary... look.. ~.i~d ~Y : Where? JACK: By the toy dep~rtment. ThereJs a little boy climbing up on Santa Claus, lap. MARY: Oh, yes. JACK: Let's listen. S~ELDON: K'.ya, sonny. - HARRY: ~ ~ello, Santa Claus. ~}~IDON: What>ould you llke St. Nick to b~ing you for Christmas? HARRY: ~ llke a toy. SHELDON : WP~t kind? ~d~R7 : A bicycle. S~LDON: Uh uh. HARRY : ... Huh? SHELDON: Get a fi~e truck. HARRY: ...But I rant a bicycle. SHELDON: Bicycle D~sn,t got a chance. HARRY : ...Why not? SHELDON : Bicycle.. ti~,es. ...Gee, I never thought of t~t..I know what, Santa. Just bring me a pair of roller shates. S}~LDON:Now that~'the worst choice you could make. HA~RY: What? SHEIDON:Rolle~ skates are no good In the m~d. HARRY: Well, in that case, I know what I~II do. -.1, SHEI~DON : Whst? DM ~1~0"1 0181506
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II%/~RY: Come 'e~e a minute. S}~LLON : Huh? JCARI~f: Ibm gonna get a ~igh powered bee bee gun. $}~.LDON: ~y a high powered bee bee gun? HARRY: It,s a long shot. S~ELDON: Okay. Good luck, Sonny, ~d Merry Christmas. JACK: You kmow, MaW, if I didn't see that, I wouldn,t believe it. MARYt/~Come oh, Jack, let,s buy your sisterls present a~d go home. JACK: Okay. (S0UND: STOF~ NOISES UP A~D DOWN) MARY: ~Here's the lingerie eounte~i JACK: Yeah...Pardon m% but would you mind valtlng on us? Elff.IOT: (MOOLEy) Duh...Why not? Your moneyts as good ~s auybody,s. JACK: Hnm~...Well, could you show me some~bdng in silk lingerie? ELLIOT: Soltenly...what~B you~ size? JACK: They,re not for me. MABY: They,re for his ~iste~...eize thlrty-fou~. EILIOT: Okay...here,s a Whole box of 'em. FJ[RY: Will you la~ the lingerie out for uB, please? ELLIOT: Just a minute till I put my gloves on. JACK: Gloves? ELLIOT: TouchinI d~t stuff with~2-b~re hands makes me ~ nervous ~eck. JACK: What? ELLIOT: Especially da black ones. JACK: Look Mister, we h~ven't got all day. Show us something in a size thi~ty-fou~. DM AI~O? O1815OP
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-21- Okay.. ,h¢~¢~ ~ a nioe little garment...a ~enulne ~o silk ni~htle. ),t~qY: Gee, that's awfully pretty..,I think this would be very- W~It a minute, M~ater, what are~these little loops On the bottom of the nightgown? De loops? (MO01ZY)'Ye~h, da loops. Yes. wh~t ~re the loops for? When you go to bed you hook dem over your toes so da uightgo'~%~ won,t creep up on ~a. JACK: Oh, that's wonde~ful.°.Gift w~ap it ~ and send it to my house. ELLIOT : Ye~ si~.. MARY: J~ck, hePe comes Don aga~u. JACK: Oh hello, Don, have you bought yomr ~ife~ preaent ~et? DON: Yes, I finished all my shoppln~.,I even bought something for the man who collects our garbage. JACK: Oh...eh,. °what did you buy him? DO~: Forty doll~ Cuff l~Iks... . ._ __ ~ cuff links fo~ ~;ua=~ ~$~. DON: Jsek, the only others they had were a dollar nlnety-ei~ht and I wouldn't ZIve them to a do~. MARY: WELL, YOU CAN START BARKINg, BROT}~, AND MERRY C~RISTMAS. JACK: YEAH, YEAH, MEREY CRRISTMAS, ~...SEE YOU lATER, . .COME ON, M~RY, L~T'S GO FD~. (APPLAUSE AND FLAYOFF) ELLIOT : MAZe: JACK: "r EI/~IOT : DM 87 01 0"181508
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• ~.~,~•.~ ~T ~"~z ~i~.~ ~ ~t~t~ii~zi~1~H !~2~ ~k~ ~ ~ ~=i~-.-~.~z~~i~ ~ -22- ~ JACK: I~dies snd gentlemen, industry can produce the bombers and munitions, but only you can give the blood that is needed • ^ ~^~ =~- Call you~ local blood ba~](. In the Los Angeles ~re~ the telephone number is Dunkirk ~-5~61. ,D,,~k ~ ~=-~-~!. Thank you. DON: Jack will be b~ck in Juat a moment, but first ...... DM
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i • A THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ~,+~ ~ z~S/ ~ z75V SUNDAY, .NC~,+~2~.~ ~_+q; 195! • c siNG cor o1 ~[AI<B+JI~I: Luokles .... taste .... better! Yes, there's better taste in Luck~y Strike because Luckies' fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into the cigarette that tops all five principal brands for quality. Lucky Strike. These are not just claim~ -- they are fact_____sB that prove Luckies are made better in every way. Facts verified by leading laboratory consultants. One of the~e, Froehling and Robertson, of Richmond, V~rglnia, reports -- MARTIN: It is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. SHARBUTT: So don,t be misled by the smoke screen of claims and empty promises made by other cigarettes. Remember the proven f~cts of Lucky Strike quality. Enjoy the mild, rich taste of fine tobacco in the cigarette that smokes smoother because it,s made better -- the cigarette that tastes better -- Lucky Strike. You,ll prove it yourself by trying a carton of Luckies today! ORCR: (FULL VAMP) CHORUS: Be H~ppy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Get Better Taste Be H~ppy -- Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) JC
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. .,.~;=,=~ ~.= ,- ~, ~,~ ~: U~z• TAG J'CK: -23- (SOUND: STORE NOISES UP AND DOWN) ~ell, Mary, I,ve done aIl my CD~Istmas shopping. I guess we can go home. ~f: Yes,.oome on, let's -- ARTIE: Well, Mr. Benny, imagine running into you again. JACK: ~ I t~ught you finished your Christmas shopping. ARTIN//~ ~d to come back. I forgot to get a present for my boss. I'm buying him a cigarette lighter. JACK: Ronson? ARTIE: No, his nam~ is Shapiro. JACK: Oh...Goodnight, folks. (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) DON: This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to Your Hit Parade with Guy Lomba~do every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike...Consult your newspaper for time and station. ...Stay tuned for the Amos tn~ Andy Show which follows immediatel~. :. The Jack Benny program is heard by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service... ' DM i:~ ])gO ~ 0181511
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PROGRAM #13 REVISED SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBACCO CO~PANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY~ DECE)~BER 9~ 19~i CBS PALM SPRINGS I*:00 -%~O PM PST CALIFORN~A '4 ~ ~, ~4~ ! ~ ~ ~ RS A]H01 0181512
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-A- THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY~ DECE~BER 9~ &9~l OPENING COI~MERCI AL SH~dqBUTT: THE JACK BENNY PROORAM °.. presented by LUCKY STRIKE~ ORCH~ (FULL YA~) CHORUS: Be Happy -- Go Lucky REPRISE Go L~¢ky Strike todayl (SHORT CLOSE) SHARBUTT: Friends~ yourve heard all sorts of empty claims made by other clgarettes -- but now Lucky Strike sweeps away this smoke screen of double-talk with facts -- not claims -- facts. MARTIN: The facts are that Luckles' f~ne~ mild~ good-tastlng t~bacco goes into the cigarette that's made ~ -- with no annoyln~ loose ends to spoil the taste. SHAR~UTT: A month°after-month eomparlson of clgarette quality based cn tests ~ertifJed to be Impartial~ falr and identleal ~roves Lucky Str~ke, by far, the best made of all f~ve prlnc~pal brands. ~TIN~ These results a~e verified by leading laboratory consultants, For example~ Foster D. Snell Inc. of New York CityI reports.,. SHARBUTT: In our opinion, the properties measured are all-~mportant factors affe~tln~ the taste of cigarette smoke, We ¢on- olude that Lucky Strike is the best made of the f~ve major ~rands. MARTIN~ Yes~ l,uekies are made better and Lue~les .t~tl~ -- always so mild~ so smooth~ so f~rm a~d fresh with bette~ DM taste in every puf£. (~0RE) FIT;KO 1 0181513
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THE JACK BENNY PROGKAH SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9~ 1951 OPENING C0~9/EHCIAL (CONTID) SHARBUTT: 0RCH: CHORUS: REPRISE wB- So next time you buy cigarettes, remember the facts -- enjoy fine~ mild~ good-tastlng tobacco in the cigarette that's made better -- the cigarette that ~ Lucky Strike. Yes, Be Happy -- Go Lucky: M~e your next carton Lucky Strlke~ (~L VAMP) Be Happy - Go Lucky Go Lucky Strike todayZ (LONG CLOSE) FI 1 F~O I 0181514
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.f (- -I- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTP~ COI~CIAL, ~USIC UP AND DOWN) DON: FROM PAL?~ SPHINGS~ CALIFORNIA..THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM~ STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE1 PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER~ DENNIS DAY~ AND "yOURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) q DON: AND NOW~ LADLES AND GENTLEMEN~ FROM PALM SPRINGS, THAT OASIS IN THE DESERT..%~ BRING YOU THE SHIEK OF ARABY.. JACK BENNY, (APPLAUSE) JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you..Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking..and DonI I know you were trying to be clever, hut why Jn the world would you introduce me as the Shiek of Araby? Well Jack, we've been in Palm Springs all week, and you yourself told me you were living in a tent. A tent?...Oh, no no, Don, you misunderstood me. I ~aid I was living at the E1 Contento. It's a very nice place. So there's no connection between me and the Shiek of Araby. But Jack, at eight o'clock this morning I saw you in a long robe walking down Palm Canyon Drive with a dagger in your han~. That was a toothbrush, I was on my way to the washrolm... You and your big mouth..A guy can't have any privacy. Well~ in that case~ Jack, IIm sorry. NO nodDon, onOW that I think of it, I'm glad that you called me the Shiek of Araby. Ft T NO '1 0187515
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/ A -2- JACK: Y~.,because tonight ~nto your tent I'ii creep and tear up your eontract...So watch it, Shrimp Boat...It's too near Christmas to---Oh, hello~ Mary. ~IARY: Hello, Jack. JACK: W Well, ~ary, what have you been doing since we got to Palm Springs? !{AKY: 0h~ I d~d some swlmming..played some tennis..and yesterday for the first time, I went horseback riding. JACK: Oh, so that's where you were yesterday. ~{ARY: Yeah. First I went on a breakfast ride..and when I got &ack from that, I went on a lunch ride,.when I got back from that, I went on a steak rlde..and when I got back from that, I went on a moonlight barbecue ride. JACK: ~ary, how could you eat so much? ~ARY: Who ate~ Semebody put glue on my saddle. JACK~ ~ary, you mean all ~ay yesterday you were stuck to the saddle? ~RY: Today too~ why do you think IIm wearing this long skirt? JACK: 0h, OH, ~ When you came through the door, I thought you ~g ~o"e e hinting for a game of leap frog. z~ JACK: P Every mor~'tng I take a long waIk.~au .u~¢~1 IL'Z..Oh, ~, hello, Dennis. DENNIS: Hello. (APPLAUSE) R'f'HO 1 0181516
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JACK: WelI~ DENNIS:~, Nait a minute, Mr, Benny~ different about me? JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: k-~ now that you're here-* don't you notice anything JACK, ZJ. DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS~ JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: (MARY GOES DENNIS: MARY: DENNIS: Different?...No. Well~ look9 man, look. I'm looking~ I'm looking. -3- d Well, can't you see anything different about me? No. Oee~ and everybody told me I'd look better with a moustache. Dennis~ you havenlt got~%~. Oh darn It~ I left it in my pocket. Well~ thatls the silliest thing I ever heard. ~maglne going out and buying a false moustache..Dennls~ if you think you look better ~n a moustache, why donrt you grow on~? If I grew one, I ~on]dnlt take ~t off when I go to bed. Well~ why in the world would you want to take your moustache off when you go to bed? Because I talk in my sleep and it tickles. Dennls~ change the subJe~¼ will you? Okay .. (ASIDE) ~ey Mary,~eo~ here a minute/~ TO DENNIStS ~IKE) F~at is ~t~ Dennis? I really played a Joke on Mr. Benny yesterday. What did you do? Well, I heard that you were going out on a (ASIDE) (ASIDE) (ASIDE) (ASIDE) RT~401 0181512
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,I r~ :~ARY: JACK: PHIL: (APPLAUSE) JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: breakfast ride~ and I figured that Mr. Benny would go w~th you, so I put some glue on one of the saddles... (LONG PAUSE) .... Mary2.~Mary, don't you think that's funny? 4~4 If I could get my-~ out of this stirrup, I'd kick you right in the head. Mary~ come back here and --~ ~ _ (ENTERING) ALL RIGHT, POLKS/T~S PROGRA~,ItS BEEN FLOPPINI BUT, H~R~S IS HESN AND THINSS~WILL ~.~ .... ~/ Phil..Phil..what stroke of modesty caused you to sneak in llke that? ~ ~' No modesty, Jackson~ I Just thought lld liven things up... Hey, we've got a guest star..The Lone Ranger. Thatfs Mary, Ifll explain it to you later. Anyway~ Phil, now that Y~ here, suppose we --wait a minute, Phll • .. what's that ~ get In your hand? A Palm Springs Martini. A Palm Springs Martini? IIve n~ver heard of that...How do they make ~t? Same as a regular martini..Only instead of an olive, you use a date. A Martini with a date in it? After the fourth one~ you donlt even bother to spit out the pits. Look~ Phll -- Shake me, Jackson, and listen to me rattle. AIMO? 0~815~8
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• (7 JACK: You know~ Ph~l~I oan't understand it..Everytime we come down here~ you carouse around all night long and yet you look great.. How do you do it? PHIL: Well~ you know how it Is~ here in Palm Spr~ngs~ Jackson.. Mountain climbing at dawn..golflng till noon~ BUd swimming till sunset will make anyone look good. JACK: Ph~l~ yo~ do all that? PHIL: No~ Allce does and that lets me slee~ all day. JACK~ I thought so. & DENNIS: ~Mr. Benny~ you want me to do my song now? JACK: Well,. PHIL~ Walt a minute..flrst the Long ~/e~./~--~A~°1~ Ran e ~ ow om Dewey. JACK: ~m---- Dennls~ take off that moustache.~.If you want to slng~ go ahead. (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG -- "ONCE") (APPLAUSE)
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-T -6- (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: That was "Once" sung by Dennis Day...and very good too, /~&d~..And now, klds~ I have something important to tell the audience. DENNIS: ~,/ Mr, Benr~yI do you mind if I say something now that we're in Palm Springs. JACK: What is It~ Dennis? DENNIS: Sun tan ollI cactus plants~ and tumble weeds. JACK: Sun tan oil, cactus plants and tumble weeds? What's that? • DENNIS:~,,Yf we can't be funny, letls be topical. JACK: Dennis~ what makes you act so silly? DENNIS1 Phll gave me a d e nd boy, was the Juice strong$ /222V2 JACK: -e~r, be qulet~..No~qlsten, kids, I have something important I want to tell the audience. It's a real surprlse..Oh Don, did you hire that trio you told me about? DON: ~hey should be here any minute. JACK: Good. MARy: ~hat's this about a trio? JACK: Well Mary~ Don found a famous singing group right here in Palm Springs and they're gonna sing the song I wrote, "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back To YOU, 11 PHIL: 0h, no no no, Jackson not that?.straighten my hair, tell everybody I've got nine toes..but song again. ~- F TNO 0181520
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i l JACK: DENNIS: JACK: JACK: JACK; JENNY: JACK: JENNY: JACK: EOCH: (APPLAUSE) JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: Yeah~..Now w~it1~ minute, P~hil,¢that's a wonderful song-~ ~L~,~ ~ ~<a~e CXsomeday ~t'll#be one~6f the biggest h~ts In the country.. And-yet at every opportunity you kids knock it. I don't like ItI either~ and I'm full of date Juice. Now cut that out! .. Look kids, I about -- (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) IT11 get ~t. (SOUND~ Hello? I have a long distance call for Jack Benny. Long distance? Put them on. Here's your party, Hello? HELLO, MR, BENNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER. don't wanta hear anymore COUPLE FOOTSTEPS..RECEIVER UP) Rochester, why is thls call Long Distance? I left you at my hotel. I'M CALLING FROM THE WASHROOM. Oh. YOU FORGOT YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR AGAIN. I don't care what I forgot~ d~d you have to call me in the middle of my broadcast? THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BROADCAST? Certalnly, it's a quarter after four. IT'S A QUARTER AFT=~ FIVE HERE. What? THE WASH ROOM'S ON MOUNTAIN TI~E. FI 1~0 1 0181521
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JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCHI JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: (APPLAUSE) JACK: DENNIS: -8- Oh,.Woll, g~thc7 .p .~ tLiiis~..Anyway Eochester~ how did you know that I 3eft my electric razor in the wash room? I FOLLOWED THE CORD FROM THE HOTEL. Oh. AND SAY, BOSS. What? I FOUND OUT ~Y YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR WENT DEAD WHILE YOU WERE SHAVING THIS MORNING. ~%y? THE SUPER CHIEF RAN OVER THE CORD IN CUCAMONGA. I knew something happened..Now Rochester, take my things back to the hotel~ then press my gray suit~ lay out my shirts ang tie and be sure to-- BOSS.BOSS~ I CANtT HEAR YOU, YOU'LL HAVE TO TALK LOUDER. What's the matter? THE GREYHOUND BUS JUST PULLED IN AND THIS PLACE IS A MADHOUSE. Oh..Wel]~ never mlnd~ Rochester. I'll see yo~ later. Goodbye. GOOOOOODBYE. (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN) Now let's see.,er.,what were we talking about? Your lousE song. FI]~O 1 0181522
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/ \ JACK: PHIL: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: (APPLAUSE) )L%RY: JACK: / -9- Jackson~ you're not really gonna have that song sung on the radio, arV9 Certainly~it' s heautl ful. (SINGS) WHEN YOU SAY J BEG YOUR PARDON, THEN IILL CO~ BACK TO YOU. d WHEN YOU ASK ME TO FORGIVE YOUr I'LL RETURN. LIKE THE SWALLOWS AT SERRANO RETL~N TO CAPISTRANO -- That's awful, Mary, why don't you get a chair and sit down? Who needs a chair? Never mdnd. (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR) C0~E IN. (SOUND: DOOP OPENS) Jack, it's the GuadalaJara Trio..the fellows who are going to do your song. Oh~ come in~ fellows..come on in. Jack~ are you really going through with this? Certalnly4c~'ll admit that the melody might not be the greatest, but the lyr~cs..walt till you hear the words sung by professional singers..Take it fellows.."When You Say I Beg Your Pardon~ Then I'll Come Back To You." A 1"~<01 0~81-~3
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/ -IO- (GUADALAJARA TRIO SINGS SONG IN SPANISH..JACK TALKS DURING SONG) JACK; No no, fellows..I want ~t in Engllsh$.~n English...~ my program doe.~nlt go to Nexico ..... l,ook ~ellows¢iI want ,i Jhem to understand the wor~...~t~It in E~ish...#.Boys.. I'~'V.- - J~Z.~ ~ ..... Y .,.;f jJ~,-/f.~-,J- .~-~-.", - x W~it a minute,..Wait a lnD!~_~Q..W~IT A HINUTEI. .~ A (BOYS JACK: !GNUTE!!I STOP SINGING) Don..Don,.what Is this? I thought they were going to sing my song in English. DON: Well Jack, so did I. Thatls what their manager told me. JACK: Their manager? Where is he? DON: That's him standing right over there. JACK: Well, I want to talk to him...Hey you..eome here a minute... Are you the manager of the GuadalaJara Trio? MEL: Si. JACK: Well, they do ~opular songs~ donit they? MEL: Si. JACK: Well, eantt at least one of them speak English? JACK: ~eh one? MEL: She. JACK: Dontt you mean "he"? MEL: Si. JACK: V~atIs his name? ~[,: Cy. JACK: Cy? ~L: Si. R1H01 0181524
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• *Z~. ~ ~ ~.~.w~ ,~ ~ ,r~ ~,~!,. ~ .~ ,,~, ~, ~.~ .~. ~-, ~ -,i ~ ~ [ =~ ± • : ~. • ~ F JACK: DON: JACK: MEL: JACK: TRIO: (APPLAUSE) -ll- WellI if they can't sing in Engllsh~ they're no good to me... All rlght, fellowsj you can go. Wait a minute~ Jack, as long as they're here and you've hired them, why not let them sing something they know? Well~ that's all rlght ~dth me..Is that all rlght with Cy? Si. All rlght~ all right..sing already. ADIOS MUCHOSOS COMPANEROS DE I~ VIDA A LUCKY STRIKE..A LUCKY STRZKE ~,~ TOCA A MI HOY E~EENDER LA RETIRADA AND YOU WILL ALSO FIND THAT THEY ARE BETTER TASTING ADIOS ~UCHOSOS YA ME VOY YA ~ RF~IGNO A LUC}~ STRIKE~ A LUCKY STRIKE SE ACAHACON PACA 2~ SO ROUND SO FIRM CUERPO EFERMO TIENE NO LOOSE ENDS. L S M F T, YES THATIS THE StrOKE FOR ME. I LIKE IT YES SI SI..IT'S L S M F T. LA PABRE DE MI ~DRE SORTIO VEJITA Y DE ~ NOVIECITA QO~ TANTO AME WHEN YOU ARE DANCING AND SHE'S DANGEROUSLY NEAR YOU PUFF ON A LUCKY~ PUFF ON A LUCKS~ SE ACABACON PARA ~I SO HOLED SO FIRM ~ CUEHPO ENFEHMO TIENE, NO LOOSE ENDS. I~1 ~01 0181525
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O (THIRD ROUTINE) JACK: .~,L: JACK: MEL : JACK: FAHRELL: JACK: (APPLAUSE) FARRELL: JACK: FARRELL: JACKI FARRELL: JACK: -12- Very good~ fellowsl vePy good.<That wss wonderful..By the way~ what key did they sing that in? G. G? Si. All rlghtt fellowsl you can go...AND NOW~ LADIES AND GRNTLEMEN~ AS IS 0L~ CUSTOM }[ERE IN PALM SPRINGS.. TONIGHT ~'~ ARE GOING TO PRESENT OUR ANNUAL PALM SPRINGS MUR]~R ~YSTERY ENTITLED -- HOLD IT, REN~ff..HOLD IT..HOLD IT. Huh? Hey kids~ itus Oharlle Faprell. That's me.oCharlie Farrell..mayor of the town~e~r of the Racquet Club..and star of Eighth Heaven. Eighth Heaven? Charlle~ that's Seventh Heaven. Everythlngls a little higher ~n Palm Springs. @h-wed9~ I wouldnTt know~ I'm on Mountain Time...Anyway~ Charl~e~ what did you interrupt for? We're about to start our sketch. That's what I want to talk to you about. I've been sitting out in the audience waiting for thls..Every year you come do~¢~ here to Palm Springs and do a play called "Murder At the Racquet Club" and it's giving my Joint a bad name. Why~ Charl~e, thatts r]dlculous. Itrs all done in fun. Nobody believes it. ThatVs where yourre %~ong. 0nly last week some people from New York were staying at the Racquet Club and they came over to me and wanted to know where the body was lying. FARRRLL: R]NO'I 0181526
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kl (3 -13- JACK: Really? FARRELL: Fortunatelyj Phil Harris was there so I could show them one. JACK: Oh,.Well Charlie) after all, it doesnlt make any difference. ItVs Just a play. FARRELL: But it's ridiculousi Jack. We've never had a murder at the Racquet Club...We have a suicide every daydor so~ but no m~der S. JACK: Suicides? FARRELL: Yeah, when people get their bills) it sounds like the <" . I/ FARBELL: Anyway) Jack~a~/2~s a favo./, o~.~ me, I ~sh you. wouldn't do-- Nurder At the ~cqu~t d~Ub O JACK: Okay, Charlie. if, you feel that way about it) ~'-t~-l--s~s/ c/ ~the sc~ne so~ewher~ els~. / FARRELL : Thank you/. JACK: Take it~ D DON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TON/GET WE ARE DOING A BRAND NEW PLAY ENTITLED, "~K~DER ON THE DESERT" .. OR .. "THE SUN WENT DOWN AT T}IREE FIFTY-NINE AND T}~E BODY WAS COLD AT FOUR." •..CURTAIN..~SIC. (~CUSIC) JACK: (SOUND: SC~HATCHING OF PEN ON PAPER) (FILTER) ~{Y NA~ IS CAPTAIN O'BENNY...I AM THE RETIRED CHIEF OF POLICE OF PAL~ SPRINGS...AT THE MOMENT) I AM IN MY CABIN OUT ON THE DESERT ~RITING ?~ ~EMOIRS..THIS IS ~ ]" ,"401 0181522
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kr JACK: JACK: }L~Y: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARy: JACK: M~EY: JACK: )~RY: JACK: EASY FOR M~ AS I HAVE A PEN THAT ~ITES UNDER SAND...A RETIRED POLICE CHIEF HAS MUCH TO E~MBER~d~ (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) (REG. MIKE) Oh darn~ always interruptions. I'll never get my memoirs written. (SOUND: PHONE RINGS..RECEIVER UP) Helle? (OOMPHY) Hello~.~s this former Chief O'Benny? Speakin£. Good.,l'd llke to report a murder. But I'm retired. WhM call me? I tried to get Sam Spade~ but hers on another network. Oh..well~ what do you want? Whatns wrong? Well, I don't llke to spoil your day..hut my husband has Just been murdered, Oh he has, eh?...Uo you know who murdered your husband? No. Wedl...er...Have you got any Ideas~ (REAL O0~HY) Now that he's dead~ yes. %qell~I'll ~et the police and oome r~ght over..Geodbye. Goodbye, Chle fle. (SOUND: RECEIVER DO?~) F~]NO'7 018"1528
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\f JACK: DON: JACK: DON: DENNIS: T~, DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: -IS- (FILTER) A SECOND AFTER ~ HAD RUNG UP~ I REALIZED I HADN'T ASKED THIS GIRL WITH T~ ;RIE,~uo* ~u~u5 HER NI~E~ ADDRESS~ OR PRONE NV~BER .... I WAS REALLY RETIRED...I KNEW ItD NEED ALL THE POLICE HELP I COULD GET ON THIS CASE~ SO I ~NT TO THE PHONE. (SOUND: RECEIVER UP°.DIALING FOUR TIMESooBUZZ.. CLICK OF RECEIVER UP) d Hell% Palm Springs Police Station. Let me speak to the new Police Chief. Yes slr..(CALLS) Oh Chlef..Itts for you. (IRISH) How do you do..sure and begorrah and faith and macushlah~ it's a pleasure to throw the blarney with you~ Police Chief O'Day himself speaking. ~--~ (STRAIGHT) Oh, I thought you were a ~ourist~ they expect us policemen to be Irish. Now listent O~Day~ there's beena~a ulcer co~Itted. Well, come on over. Me and my m~,#~ill help you solve the crime. (SOUND: RECEIVER DO?~) (FILTER) I HUNG UP THE PHON~ AND RUSHED OVER TO THE POLICE STATION...I DIDN'T HAV~ A CAR..THERE WERE NO TROLLEYS OR BUSSES..AND I COULDN'T GET A UAB~ SO ID DEC~g~DECID O~,/WALK,.~ ~ THIS WAS THE LONGEST WALK I HAD TAKEN S~ T ~NAVE~EIS ~-'~..FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS, WE QUESTIONED EVERYBODY.. OUR SEARCH EVEN TOOK US OUT INTO THE DESERT. THERE I SAW AN INDIAN SITTING BY HIS FIRE...I DECIDED TO QUESTION HIM I:ITNO ? 0181529
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-16- TOO, AND I KNEW HE'D TEL~ ~ THE .TRUTH BECAUSE HE WAS ~...I WALKED OVER T9 HIM AND SAID. JACKI (REG. 9KKE) Are you an Indian? MEL: Ugh. JACK: Do you llve out here on the desert? )~EL: Ugh. JACK: }[ave you lived out here on the desert long? MEL: Ugh. v JACK: Now look~ you~ Itm gonna ask you some questions and I want the truth~ see? Y/EL: Si. JACK: (FILTER) I FORGOT TO MENTION, THIS INDIAN HAD A LITTLE SPANISH BLOOD IN HI~, JACK: (REG. ~KE) ~~ are you married. MEL : S~. JACK: Nave you been married long? ~L: Si. JACK: Is your wife pretty? MELt Ugh. JACK: Ugh? 9~EL: Si. JACK: Now look..there was a murder committed here in Palm Springs. Where were you last night? ~L: Me have perfect allbl for last night. JACK: An allbl 9 huh? Well, alI right, where were you? MEL: YOU follow-um me. Ne take-um you there. 4 ~11,~0 '1 0181530
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JACK: MBL: JACK: FARRELL: JACK: FARRELL: JACK: FARRELL: JACK: FARRBLL: HACK: JACK: -]7- (FILTER) I FOLLOW-[F~D HIM AND HE TOOK-U~ ME THERE. I FOUND OUT LATER THIS WAS THE IROQUOIS VERSION OF CO~ ON-A }.9/ HOUSE.. HE TOOK ~E INSIDE A PLACE THAT LOOKED VAGUELY FAMILIAR...THERE WAS A ~.5%N STANDING IN THE SHADOWS.. THEN THE INDIAN SAID-- Me was here last night...You ask that man there. Him prove my alibi no ~~: ~/~ ~t (REG. MIKE) 0kay~ I'll ask hlm...Hey you..was this Indian here all last night? Yes~ he was running my projector, I was showing Seventh Heaven. . ~ / IWe~ th6~ J guess his alibi-- Wa~t ~ ~... Jack~ you promised me that there wouldntt be any more murder mysteries here at the Racquet Club. --W~ I eanlt help ~t, Charl~e..thls Indian led me here and I'll have to make an Investlgat~on..tell me the names of all the guests. I don't know Eli their names..look in the reg~steF. Okay~ I will. (SOUND: CASH REGISTER OPENING) ~OT THAT 0~. (FILTER) I THOUGHT IT WAS PECULIAR THAT LINCOLN AND WASHINGTON SHOULD BOTH BE STAYING HERE. (REG. MIKE) NOW look~ Farrell, you're going to answer some questions. A]'NO 1 0181531
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. i Z J~ J f ~ii ..... -18- FARRELL: No, I'm not.~you promised me to stay out of the Racquet Club. JACK: But there's been a murder here..Now where's the body? JACK: I mean the dead one~.Now FarrellF~there's been a murder Committed here and ITm gonna find OUt who d~d It..I1m going to question evegybody ~n the place..First I'll go into the bar. (SOUND. FIVE FOOTSTEPS..DOOR 9PENS) • , Z: >z (GUADALAJARA TRIO STARTS SINGING JACK S SONG IN.~qP~k~ N~ -•^ ..................... . (,U~T ~USE) JACI: In Euglish - keep it up boys. (JACK JOI~S TRI0 IN SINGING ~S S0~) (BA~ FI3KS UP ~OE FINISH) No~ listen, men -- l:m her~ to -- ~a~ - Ma~ - it's the Guadalajara Trio and they're sin~ng my song in English -- Keep it uS• RTN01 0181532
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DON: (APPLAUSE) DON: -19- Ladles and gentelem~ with hostilities still continulng in Korea~ ten million people have become homeless and destitute. These people are in desperate need of clean used clothing. Clothing gifts by groups and individuals should be made throuEh your local Amerlcan Belief for Korea. For further information~ contact the American Relief for Korea~ 133 East 39th Street~ New York~ New York. Thank you. Jack will be back in Just a moment, but flrst .... A 1~'01 O18~533
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-C- THE JACK BENNY PRONR~ SUNDAY~ DECE~ER 9, 1951 CLOSIN0 C0~HCIAI, SHARBUTT: MARTIN: SHARBUTT: MARTIN: EHARBUTT: ~RTIN: SHut'BUTT: ORCH: CHORUS: DM Luckies - taste - better~ Yes~ there's better taste In Lucky Strike because Luekles flne~ mild~ good-tastlng tobacco goes into the cigarette that tops all five principal brands for quality. Yes~ Luckles are made better -- thatls a fact co~flrmed by leading laboratory consultants. For example~ Froehling and Robertson~ of Hichmond~ Virglnia~ reports -- It is our conc]uslon that Lucky Strike Is the best made of these five major brands. And always rememher~ better taste In a olgarette starts with fi~e tobacco and LS/MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, So enjoy the full~ rich taste of fine tobacco in the cigarette that smokes smoother because itls made ~ - the elgarette that tas~ tb~ -- Lucky Strike, And right now Luckies ape available in brlght9 festive Christmas cartons. So this year make it a happy -- go Lucky Chrlstmas~ Give all your friends Christmas cartons of Lucky Strike - the cigarette that tastes better. Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy °- Get Better Taste Be Happy ~- GO Lucky So Lucky Strike today! ~:I ]':~01 018153,1
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-20- JACK: Ladies and gentelemn,qafter ast next Runday~ I will do my second television show of the season5 so I hope you'll all be watching. Sunday? MARy: Jack~ whots gonna be on your television show next///¢~ JACK: Well, Mary/.I-t-rled to get Barbara Stanwyck, hu~she told me she had a headache..then I asked Danny Kaye and he told me he had a ea aehe.°Th~n I asked Claudette Colbert ~nd~=~ she teld me she had a he~dache~.Then I asked Tyrone Powe~ ~, ~nd he~l~2e~ five thousand dollars, so I told because we'll have twenty-nine minutes and thirty seconds of fun...Goodnight~e44~- (APPLAUSE) DON: This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to Your Hit Parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday nlght~ presented by Lucky Strlke...Consult your newspaper for time and station.°Stay tuned for the Amos Inl Andy Show which follows immediately..° The Jack Benny Program is heard \ by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service...THIS IS THE C. B. S. RADIO NETWORK. ATH01 0181535
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PROGRAM #14 REVISED SCRIPT AL:ERICAN TOBACCO CO:~ANY bUCKY STRIK~ THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAYI DECEr4BER 16~ ]951 CBS ~,:00 - ~:~0 PM~.~ (Transcribed, Dec. 9, :951) (Palm Springs~ Calif.) r~ ~'~.~ RS RTHO| 0181536
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THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1951 0PENING O0~4ERC IAL ~HARBUTT: THE JACK BENNY PH00EAM ... LUCKY STRIKE. • 0ECH: CHORUS : MARTIN: SHARBUTT : MARTIN: SHARBUTT : MARTIN: (TAPED DECm~ER 9, 1951) transorlbed..presented by (FULL VA ) Be Happy -- Oo Lucky He ~ppy -- Get Better Taste Be Happy -- Go Lucky Get Better Taste today! (~HORT CLOSE) Luckies taste better! Friends, -- LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco° Therets no substitute for fine tobacco -- and don't let anybody tell you differentl Yes, Luckies taste better! -- Because their fine, mild, good-tasblng tobacco goes into the cigarette proved the best-made of 611 five prLaolp~l brands -- let me repeat that ... the best-made of all five prlucipal brands! That's not an e~pty cl~im -- thatls a fac.__~t -- verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Froehllng and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia, who report ,.. "It is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is th~ best-made of these five major brands. Don.t be misled by double-talk. Remember the facts! Enjoy fine, mild, good-tastinE tobacco in the cigarette the tastes better -- Lucky Strike~ TC A] >~O~ 0'181532
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THE JACK B~NY PROGRAM SUNDAY. DECFMBER 16, 1951 (TAFED DECEMBER 9, 1951) "-/ OPENING C0~S~qCIAL ~CONTINUED) SHARBb~T: (STRAIGHT D~IVERY) -- So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh -- with better taste in every puff! When you buy cigarettes, remember -- Luokles taste better! 0RCK: (FULL VAMP ) CHORUS: Be Happy -- So Lucky Go Lucky Strike todayl (LONG CLOSE) [ TC ~, "l',WO 1 018'1538
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D~ -1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER CO)~EHCIAL~ },qJSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THai LUCKY STRIKE PHOGRAY,..STARRING JACK BENNY, .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONEI PHIL HARRIS~ ROCHESTER1 DENNIS DAY~ AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE..~g3SIS UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GENTLE!~N..IN ~HIRTY MINUTES JACK BENNY WILL JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCE: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: DO HIE SECOND TELEVISION SHOW OF THE, SEASON...~ILE YOUtRE WAITING~ LEP-~ SNOW YOU ~{AT HAPPENED LAST TUESDAY WHEN JACK WAS PACKING TO CO~ HOP~ FROM PALM SPRINGS. Are you sure you emptied ~ll the drawers~ Rochester? YES SIR. I always leave th~ngs behind so you call them out as you pack them and l'll cross them off my llst. YES SIR...THREE PAIRS OF SHOES. Three pairs of shoes. EIGHT PAIRS OF SOCKS. Eight pairs of socks. ONE TOOTH BRUSH. Tooth ~rush, CLOTHES BRUSH. Clothes brush. SHOE BRUSH. Shoe brush. HAIR. Hair ~I ]sh? I:; ] ,',~01 0181539
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ROCHt JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACKI ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: PHIL: ROCH: PHIL: JACK: -2- NO~ JUST HAIR. Oh oh oh ..7~ SHAVING SET. Shaving set. AND SIX PAIRS OF SHORTS...~ELL~ THAT'S ALL~ BOSS. Wait a minute...dldnlt you forget the bath towels? BUT YOU DIDNtT BRING ANY BATH TOWELS. NO~ but we're taking some home...Wetll only take two..And while you're at it~ you might as well throw in some coat hangers, some statlenery~ and a couple of those little bars of soap fo~ souvenirs. HEE HEE HEE,..WHEN YOU LEAVE A HOTEL HOOM~ IT LOOKS LIKE TEE ROSE BOWL ON JANUARy SECOND. Look~ Rochester..every hotel expects you to take these l~ttle things as souvenlrs...It's good advertising for them to have things with their name on it in people's homes, YOUR HOUSE DOES MORE ADVERTISING THAN BATTEN~ BARTONI D[~STINE AND OSBOEN, Never mlnd..Just fasten the bags and-- (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR) CO~ PN. (SOL~D: DOOR OPENS) H'yaI Jaekson..hello~. ~J~ - HgLLO, ~. HARRIS. Well Jackson~ what did you ask me to come over for? I wanted to have a little talk with you2 ~- R]~01 018154 0
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-3- PHIL: Couldn't you have done it at rehearsal? JACK: I ddi~nlt want to embarrass you in front of the cast• b PHIL: 4~I what did I do wrong t~$s~unday? JACK: It's not only this Sunday.~.it's eve~'y Sunday..and it's not you, itts Remley. PHILI Frankle? JACK: ~...I wlsh youi~talk to him...Every week the same q thlng..Welre on stage..the audle_~z~,legee ~eo~esllnt.sees~ ~ him there and t/~ey think it's~nmystezy program. ~ /,, PHIL: .... No, noi Jac~son.~.it~z~ Ivan, --s ~ there. / JACK: --L~ok~ Phll -- you can make me appear Ignor nt and PHIL: the program, ~-~ 5~ illlterateI but when welre off the air, I~kngW my grammar. JACK: Huh? PHIL: With inanimate objects you Use the verb "lay". But living things lie,..So Remley is lying there. JACK: Phil..Phil, ..ItI s my opinion that when anything i~ in the same position for thirty-nlne weeks, it's inanimate.., And if you won't move him~ at least dust him off. PHIL: Now hold it~ Dad-- ~ ~/ JACK: #:rankle must be amazed ~hen you wake him %ip and it's Summer again. PHIL: Say~ you're really torrid today..what have you got in that big sult easel a writer? JACK: >~.~oI~ lira just ~aeklng to go home. PHIL: 67~*~ Iim leaving for L.A. in a couple of m~nutes..would you like to ride in with me? £]~01 0781_.~1
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JACK: PHIL: JACK: PHIL: ROCH: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: JACK: ~IARY~ JACK: !~ARYI JACK: ThaDks Phil~ but I'm riding back with Mary in her car, I knew you wouldntt bring your own car with you. ~%y not? Last time you did~ there was a wind in the pass and you burned ou the motor tr ins to stay even...Wells so long, Jackson..~. (SOUND: DOOR SLA~) WELL~ I'VE GOT EVERYTHING HEADY TO O0, POSS. Good...You know~ Kochester..dt~s a sh~n~e i[e I have to go - back so soon ~ but .. ~ have to pre~arelfor my T. V. Show,. Gee, if I dldn~t have so much work to do, Itd move frcm Beverly Rills to Palm Springs. BOSS, WITH YOUR MONEY YOU COULD MOVE PAL~ SPRINGS TO BEVERLY HILLS. YOU'VE, GOT ~IOST OF IT IN yOUR SUIT CASE RIGHT ROW. I have not. I told you before that-- (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR) CO~ IN. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Oh, hello, r~ary. ~, Jack, I Just drove up.. live got the car parked outside. Well~ wetre all ready to go and-- Jack..howtd you get that big bump on your head? Well•.you know me..every morning I llke to get up early, run out to the sv:~mmlng pool and dive rlght into the v~ter~ RTNO'I 01815,4-2
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~/ARY: Welli what happened? ~/w~ JACK: This morning it hadnlt thawed out yetg.Bochester, take~ ~ ~ the oags out to Miss Livingstone S ear...uo~ on, ,.--ry, (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS..SUSTAIN IN B.G.) JACK: Say Mary? how did your sister Babe enjoy her vacation? Did she do any horseback riding or swimming while ~ was here? d ~iRY: Well Jack, Babe dldnlt stay very long..her feelings were • hurt. JACK: ~y, what happened? I<L~RY: Well, when she registered at the hotel, the bell-boy showed her to her room? put doe he~ luggage and started toward the door. (LAUGHS) JACK: Yes..yes..go on. MARy: Then he stopped, took another look at Babe and --(LAUGHS) JACK: And what? ~ ~ ~IARY: He went back and tore the Beauty Rest label off the mattress. JACK: Well Mary..BabeIs too sens~tlve..she shouldn't care what a bell boy thinks of her. MARY: 0h~ it wasn't only the bell boy..When she arrlved~ all the guests ran up to her, asked for her autograph~ and wanted to know where her partner Dean Martin was. JACK: Well, It's her own fault for wearing bangs. !'~Y: ! guess so..Well~ there's the car. JACK: Hey, isn't that Dennis s~ttlng in it? Y~RY: Yes..he's going to ride back to town wlth us. I3IH01 018 '154.'I
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' JACK: ~ JACKI d DENNIS: JACK: ~ . DENIES: MARY: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: ROCH: MARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARy: JACK: ROCH: -6- That'll be nlee..(What am I saying?) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL..CAR DOOR OPENS) Hello ~ Dennis. (TALKS WITH NOSE STL~'FED AS THOUGH HE HAS A HEAVY COLD.) Hello~ ~r, Benr~y. Dennis, where'd you get that cold? Here in Palm Sprlngs. Here? How did that happen? Well~ yes}erday morning at five A..'~. my phone began to rlng~then people began to scream in my wlndow..and finally they broke the door down and dragged me out. Why~ was the place on fire? No~ it was time fer the breakfast ride. Oh..Did you ride in the buckboard? That's for slssies..I rode a horse. On a horset eh?..Did you ride bareback? NoI ] was still wearing my pa ama~s. stop T.OSE OLD Jo : 2 , y..,.e gon°a rld. back with us~so please -- HERE ABE THE BAGS~ MR. BENNY. Just put them in the back seat~ Rochester. ~qqatls the ~tter with the trunk? It's full of dates. Mary..you bought all those dates? (LAUGHINGLY) No, I backed into a Palm Tree. Oh, '~SS LIVINGSTONE1 WS[%D YOU LIKE ?~ TO DRIVE? A]H01 0181544
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f / -7- Yes ~ Rochester ~ thank~r--. ~ JACK: Cc~: c-z/I,~j~ let s go. (TRANSITION i;USIC--BLEND INTO LITTLE ~'0TORING ~{USIC..FADE OUT TO--) (SOUND: CAR GOING ALONG SMOOTHLY.) JACK: Gee, ~,e're sure making good time. ~ARY: Yeah..welve gone about f~fty miles already. DENNIS: (SNEEZES) d Y~Y: Gezundhelt. DENNIS: Thank you..I--I--I (SNEEZES AGAIN) JACK: Dennls~ are you sitting ~n a draft? DENNIS: Yes. r~JLRY: Want me to close the window? DENNIS: No.r ' JACK: Dennis, why do you want to keep sitting in a draft? DENNIS: I v;anna get pheumonia. JA@K: Now five heard everythlng...You..you want to get p~eumonla? ~Vhy? DENNIS: !ly uncle died and left me two bottles of ~enleilIin. JACK: Hmm...l thought I'd heard everythingI but I h t... Dennls, the more I see of you-- (SOUND: CAR SLOWING TO STOP) JACK: Rochester. ,why are you slowing down? ROCH: THEREIS A C~ PULLED OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD~ AND THEREIS A ~,[AN STANDING BE~qIDE IT. }[4Ry: ~Wa~t a minute, itls Don V;ilson. DENNIS: I thought it was a Buick.
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J JACK: MARY: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: QUART: JACK: Dv±l i JACK: d -8~ No no, Dennis..the Buick Is the green one...Pull ove~, Rochester. (SOUND: CAR PULLS TO STOP) Hello, Don..Is there anything wrong? Yeah~ we got a flat tire. Don, I dldntt know you had a Buick. It's not mine~ Jack..this Bulck belongs to the 8portsm~n. The Sportsmen Quartet? Yes, they each own one hole. Hmmm. I wasn't talking to you: ,.. Don~ th~s is practically a new car. How did you happen to have a flat tire? Yes o. what happened~ fellows? /I J 2 FII"HO 1 01815&6
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~AKTk~I -9- A7~01 018'1S42
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QUART: NOW HERE IN CALIFORNEEIA FR0~{ ~NDIO TO TRUCKEE PEOPLE ~UT IN THE SUN PUFF ON A LUCKY. IF YOU STILL HAVE SHOPPING TO DO ITTS TIME THAT YOU WERE STARTINI ~ ~MERAL~ ~ IT~. ALWAYS PLEASE L S~ L S~ M F T.. PUFF ON A LUCKY STRIKE. (APPLAUSE) -iO- R1NO'I 0181S48
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4 j -ii- (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: So that's how you got the flat tire, eh, Don? DON: (GIGGLES) JACK: Don, what are you laughing at? DON: Jaeki I wasn't going to tell youj but we really didn't have a flat tire. JACK: You dldnPt? d DON: No, I let the air out of it so we could do that commercial. JACK: Why Don~ you tricky little thing, you. Come on~ ~ry, let's go. DENNIS: ~ ~Ir. Benny~ if you don't mind, Itl] ride the rest of the way with Don Wilson. JACK: Why? DENNIS:Well, if I go w~th you, by the time we get back to Beverly Hills, youtll say itfs too late to drive me home. Then youtll ask me to stay over night at your house and I can't afford it. JACK: What? DENNIS: You and your pre-season rates. JACK: All right~ go with Don Wilson.. Come on~ Mary. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL..STOP) JACK: Well, Rochester, you can start the car, we're---Aw, loek Mary~ while we were talking to Don~ Rochester ellmbed in the back seat and fell asleep. ROCH: (SNORES TWICE) JACK: I'ii drive and let hi~ relax for awhile. (SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS..CLOSES..STARTE~..~TOR) % ATH01 018'1549
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JACK: MARY: JACK: ~vt~Y: !ACKe ~U, TIYI JACK: NL~RY: JACK: ROCH: JACK: MARY : JACK: }&~RY: ~LkRY: -12- Boy~ what a wonderful day for driving. No wlndI no %reeze.,you can't even feel the air move. GoshI I wonder how long dt will be this calm. Until we start moving. What? Take your brake off. I can't seem to f~nd the hand brake. Jack~ since 1920 they've been on the inside. Oh yes.. Wellj I'ii start off smoothly so I donrt wake up Rochester. (SNORES TWICE) (SOUND: ~OTOR UP SMOOTHLY..THEN DOWN TO B.G.) You know~ this car really moves..and there's so little traffic, we'll be home in no time, ~ ~.~/2 #~ Oh Jagk~ l@ok at that sign.."One-half mile to Joe's~/~ s~Stand..Taffy~ twenty-nine cents a pound." Gee like to-- I~iaryI youVll spoil your appetite for lunch. Oh, a little candy won't hurt. (SOUND: MOTOR) ~...Therels another slgn.."One-quarter mile to Jeers-- Chocolate covered almonds~ thirty-two cents a pound." .. Gee~ I like chocolate covered-- Fl1 ~0 1 0181550
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JACK: M~%RY: JACK: JACK: ~RY: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARy: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACKI ROCH: JACK: ROCH: ! -13- Mary~ what kind of chocolate can it be for thirty-two cents a pound? Besides~ I1m in a hurry. (SOUND~ MOTOR) Gee~ bherels another sign. "Three hundred feet to Joets.. Peanut hr~ttle~ nineteen cents a pound," Jaek-- 0hg for heaven sakes. Mary, you donlt want any of that cheap candy. d I guess you're right, Of course~ I1m right. (SOUND: MOTOR) Well~ therels the last slgn,."Thls is Joe's..Free Samples". (SOUND: LONG SCREE~EEEEEEEEECH OF BRAAAAAAAKES) Quick, Mary, letls...Mar¥..Mary, where are you? I'm in the ~!nve compartment~ Don't be funny. If I had put my brakes on that hard~ I would have --- Mary, what's that on the hood? RochesterI you threw h~m out of the hack seato Oh my goodnessI I wonder ~f heTs hurt. (SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS..T~EE FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) Roehester...Rochester... (SNORES) Rochester, wake up. (SMOEE..OEUNT) HUN?...0HI HELLO~ SUSIE~ IT'S NICE OF YOU TO MEET I~AT THE AIRPORT. Susie[ .. Rochester~ wake up, Itls me, Mr. Benny. OH..OH. ~, FI 7 klO "I 0~8 15_~;?
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• I JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: ~L: JACK: r~L: JACK: MEL: JACK: ~EL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: JACK: What was that airport business? I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS FLYING HO}~E FROM PALM SPRINGS. Oh. Well~ get back in the car. Wait hereI Mary~ Itm gonna step into Joets. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.DOOR OPENS) How do you do..IIm on my way to Los Anseles..and I'd like some free samples of taffy~ chocolate covered almondsI and peanut brittle. (SLIGHT M00LY) I'm sorry~ but we donlt have any free samples left. Why not? You cleaned us out on your way to Palm Springs. Now that's ridiculous. On my way to Palm Springs I stopped at Sam~s. This is Joe's. NOW, yes. What? After you left~ Sam killed himself. Oh. Now get out so I can lock up. I sot to go to the funeral. Oh..that apron you're wearing is black..I thought it was dirty. Go already. It~ going, IJm going. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ..FOOTSTEPS) Gee, that's a shame..Sam dldntt look llke the impetuous type. (SOUND: CAN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES .. YOTOR) Jack, wherers the candy? AINO 1 018'15~2
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), / -15- JACKt He closed up for the day. He had to go to a funeral. M~Y: Oh .. Jaek,~turn~6n the radlo~oz~-~ JACK: Okay. (SOUND: CLICK OF RADIO..STATIC) MARTY: (FILTER) AND NOW WE WILL PLAY ONE OF DENNIS DAYI S RECORDINGS,. "CHRIST~AS IN KILLARNEY". JACK: Mary~ howQdld you know Dennis was ~oing to sing? ~ I dldn't, I Just took a chance. , , ~APPLAUSE) / (DENNIS'S SONG -- "CHRISTMAS IN KILLARNEY~I) (APPLAUSE) AINO 1 0'18'1553
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• ! (THIRD ROUTINE) MARY: JACK: ROCH: JACK: T.J JACK: MARY: (SOUND: RADIO OFF) Gee, that's a nice song Dennis recorded. Yeah..] hope it didn't wake up--- (SNORES) I guess it didn't. (SOUND: MOTOR UP AND D0~) JACK: KEARNS: MARY: JACK: KEARNS: JACK~ KFARNS: JACK: K£ARNS~ JACK: KEARNS: JACK: -16- Mary~ have you noticed that the traffic is much heavier? L ~ Yes~ Jack, we must he getting -- oh oh...Jack..look~//~ y^~l~ ~o=~ ~,~,,~ ~n~ there's a motorcycle cop following US, (SOUND: MOTOR COMING UP) So what?...I haventt done any-- OkayI Mister~ pull over! (SOUND: NORMAL BRAKES PULLING OVa) Well~ herels where• we lose an hour. NO we wo~ttl Just leave it to me. wLet melee your driver's license. • Here you are..but look, Officer, what did I do wrong? It's about time I caught ~p with you..llve been chasing you for three miles. All right, but what did I do? Didntt you make a left turn as you were leaving Beaumont? Yes, but I put out my hand, I know, give me back my hat. Oh yes..I got st~cky fingers in Samts Candy store--I mean Joets..it~s Joe's now.. Itm sorry~ Officer. ;t~ 7 >¢0 '1 0181554
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KEARNS: JACK: KEARNS: JACK: KEARNS: JACK: KEARNS: JACK: KEARNS~ ~AHYI KEARNS: ROCk: JACK: KEARNS: KEARNS: JACK: -l?- Well~ I'll let you go this time..Here~s your--Say~ your driver's license has expired. It has? Well~ I'll get it rene ed when I get home. I'm sorry~ but you11] have to 4~--i~-here. But Offieerg live got to get to a television rehearsal. Television? Yes. ~I Oh..I should have known when I saw your name on the driver's license. YouVre Beany. Beany~ VFnich one is Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent? He's as]eep in the back seat. Oh. (SNORES) Quiet ~ Cecil. Now~ Just follow me. TheySll take care of you at the R~ANS" ~Ice station around the corner. ITION ~IIb) (SOUND: ~'~OT OR..BRAKES) ,~ere we are. Now~ go right dnto that building and theyIll renew your drlver~s license. Yes sir. Come on, Mary. (SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS..CLOSES..FOOTSTEPS.. DOOR OPENS & CLOSES..MT~BLES UP AND DOI'~..FEW FOOTSTEPS..STOP) JACK: Pardon me~ Miss~ do you take the applications for driver ~s license? P, THO'I 0181555
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: : ~:~-au~, • ~. ~ -~ .=-.~ - • ,2~ ~_~.~amm~ SANDRA: JACK: 8ANDRA: JACK: SANDEA: JACK: SANDRA: JACK: SANDRAt HARY: JACK: CAT[: SANDRA: JACK: SANDRA: JACK: SANDRA: JACK: SANDRA: JACK: JACK: -18- Yes. Well~ my license has expired and I'd llke to get a new one. Certainly. Your name? Jack Benny. Your he~ ght? Five feet, ten. Your weight? One flftM-seven. Your hair? A dollar nlnety-elght. Mary, she doesnVt mean ~, she means the .euq~..24~ Now take this application and go to window three for your eye test. Thank you. I hope you dontt think I rushed you~ but I have to go to my hushandts funeral. Funel'al? Yes, pear old Sam. Oh, that's a shame. You look so young to be a widow. ~o's a wldow, llm now marrled to Joe. Oh.. Come on, Mary, I have to take my eye t#st# ~, (SOLq~D: FOOTSTEPS..LIGHT ~U~BLE UP AND DOWN) Oh pardon me~ are you here for eyes? \ FIT~O 1 0181556
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NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: ~J~...Not very well without my glasses. NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: -19- No lls here for you, Hm,.Now look~qjust give m6 my eye test Sx~" ~ i~*d/, t~--- Yes~ s~r.,Now~ can you read the thd~d line on that char • Can you read the second line? Oh yes..yes..It says.. Would you mind taking a step back? Not at all, why? NELSON: You're supposed to be at least one foot away from the chart. JACK:Oh..0h yes..l did creep up a little too close there. NELSON: Close! You dusted it with your eyelashes. JACK: They are rather long~ aren't they? Am I back far enough now? NELSON: Yes..Now~ can you still read the second line? JACK: Yes..thatts..A.,L..X,.R,.B. NELSON: Youlre wrong..that~s One~ Three~ Seven~ Six~ Nine. JACK: That's funny~ my making such a glaring mistake...Maybe I oughta put on my glasses..There,.Is it all right to drive a oar wearing g~asses? NELSON: Oh sure~ I wear 'em too..In fact~ I think Itll put mine on. JACK: .... Say~ the time'on your glasses are Just like mlne, NELSON ~So they are...Now looking at the chartj I want you to--- SAY~ YOUtBE RIOHT..THAT IS AI L, X1R~ B. JACK: That's funny..now it looks llke One~ Three~ Seven~ Sdx~ Nine to me. I~1M01 018155?
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MARY: JACK: NELSON: PHIL: It%RY: JACK: PHIL:~ KEAHNS: PHIL: KEARNS: PHIL: KEARNS: PHIL: -20- Youtre both %~ong..dt says "Welcome Shrlners". Oh yes. Now what do I do next? You'll have to take your road test..Just follow me. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEP$..DOOR OPENS) ~H'ya, klds. PhJl..Phil~ what are you doing here at the pollee station? Yeah~ what happened? It happens every time IVm in a hurry. Ilm drlvlnt along,. and all of a sudden a motorcycle cop starts chasin' me. I speed up a little and he speeds up..~W~ look baek~ there are three of Vem chasing me. So I speed up a little mor but I cannt shake lem.~I look tack again snd now ~t~,elv~ ~ops r~behlnd me. Knowing I canft get away, I slow up~ and they run me right into the police station. We cantt walt any longer~ ~m. Harris. Come on now~ do it. Do I have to? Yes~ you have to. Well..okay. (SINGS) WONnT YOU COME WITH [~ TO ALABA~YI LET'S S0 SEE ~,~ DEAR OLD ~A~Y SHEtS FRYINI EGOS AND BOILIN' HA~, AND THATIS V~AT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH. Can I go now? Yess Mr. Harrls~ and thank you very much. (SOUND: DOOR SLAMS) ~,T~O 1 0"18"1558
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JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: Yes, sir. JACK: NELSON: JACk: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: NELSON: JACK: ~L: Hm. (I can't understand people in the Citrus Be~t making such a fuss over Phil. He does o~ for the orange Juice market.),.0h well. Through this door~ please~ for your road test. ...~ary~ you wait here, we'll be right back. (SOUND: DOOR OPESS..STREET NOISES..FEW FOOTST~ .. CAR DOOR OPENS..CLOSES..STARTER AND MOTOR) This won't take long..Just drive around the block. (SOUND: SHIFTING OF GEARS..MOTOR UP AND SUSTAIN) Is there anything in particular you'd like me to do first? Yes~ get off the sidewalk. Uh..Oh~ I guess llm a little nervous ~th an inspector ~n the car. I understand..Now try to keep your mind on your drivlng, I will. You see that blg truck in front of you? Which one? (SOUND: TERRIFIC CRASH OF CARS) That one. Oh~ my goodness ~ this iS awful. But youlre a witness..l reallyvmean to-- (HOUGH VOICE) WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU~ CAN IT YOU SEE WHERE YOUTSE GOING~ YOU DUMB OX? Ft ] .~0 1 0181559
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JACK: ~L : SANDRA: ?~%RTY: JACK: SANDRA: }(ARTY: JACK: JACK: MEL: JACK: ~ARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: (APPLAUSE -22- ?/HAT? YOU HEARD MR..I GOT A GOOD NOTION TO HAUL OFF AND-- (TOUGH) HIT tIM, DRIVER~ YEAH..SLUG (I~! NOW, WAIT A )~NUTE...wait a mlnuteI Driver.. we oughta be ashamed of ourselvest standing here arguing when at our feet ~ies a ~oor l~ttle dog..Ceme here~ puDpy..up ~nto my arms.. Is the little fellow hurt? Say..he's a nice guy. Yeah..anybody who loves dogs is okay with me. Poor l~ttle puppy. You know~ hud~ you really are a nice guy. I had you all ~Tong..and dim sorry [ flew oft the handle. -I~all r~ght. I'll see that my Insurance Company fixes up your car. Thanks...Come onI puppy~ IIll take you home now. (SOUND: FEW FOOTSTEPS) JACK..JACK..I J~ST HEAR~A CRASH...ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? Yes~ It~ flne..oC~me on~~ le/~ get Out of here. i Oee~ d thought maybe---Jackg what's that youlve got cuddled in your arms? }~ toupay...Letts hurry~ Hary, I~ve got to do my tele- vision show. AND PLAYOFF) FIT HO "I 0~8~560
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DON: (APPLAUSE) DON: Ladies and gentlemen, the United States Treasury Department is conducting an intensified drive to sell more United States Sav~ngs Bonds. It A~ a terrific opportunity for you to create financial securlty and independence. If you havenlt been buying Savings Bonds regularly, start now. Put more opportunity in your future. Invest in United States Savings Bonds. Jack will be back in just a moment~ but first .°,. -23- F1T F(O 1 OJ81561
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THE JACK BENNY P~0GRAM SUNDAy DECEMBER 16, 1951 (TAPED DECEMBER 9, 1951) CIDSIN~ COMMERCIAL 0EDH: (FULL VAMP) CHORUS: Be Happy -- Go Luckyl Get Better Taste today: (~HORT CLOSE) MARTIN: Luokies taste better3 ~HA~BL~T: (STRAIG}~ DELIVERY) So mild, so smooth, so firm and fresh -- with better taste in every puff! MARTIN: Yes, friends~ l,uckles taste better -- because their fine, mild, g0od-tasting tobacco goes into the oigsmette ro~ the best-made of all five principal b~ands. Let me repeat that . .. "The be~t made of all five prlnclp~l b~audsl'i That'~ not an empty claim -- thatls a fact -- verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, of New Yo~k Cit~, vho report ... SHARBUTT: "In our opinion, the properties ~easured are all ~mport~ factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best-made of the five majo~ brands." MARTIN: And don't forget -- LS/M~T -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco. There,s no substitute for fine tobacco -- and donlt let anybody tell you dlfferentl SHAEBUTT: So don,t be mis~ed by double-talk. Remember the factsl E~Jo~ fire, mild, good-tasting tobacco in the cigarette that tastes better -- Lucky Strike: MARTIN: When you buy ciganettes, remember -- Luckles taste better TC fl I'XO'I 0181562
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•, 'i'I~: JAt,'K ~8~'i'~ PROGRAM , - ~ SUnDAy, DECEMBER 16, 1951 (TAPED DECEMBER 9, 1951) CLOSn G ~{~RBL~52 : OROH: CHORUS : And right now Luckies are available in bright festive Christmas csmtons. So this year make it a Happy -- Go Lucky Chrlstmas~ Give all you~ f~iends Christmas carto~ of Lick~ Stl, lke -- the cigarette that tastes better. (~ VAMP) Be Happy -- Go Lucky~ Go Lucky Strike t0dsy! (LONG CLO~E) TC .... ~FH07 0?8?563
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(TAG) JACK: -21+- Wol], ladies and gentlemen, in Just a few seconds I'll be doing my-@e~show..and Itd like to invite all of you on our television notwork to tune into your C. B. S. Channel. Well, I guess I'll-- DON: Jack, I oanlt understand this..Thlrty minutes ago you were in Palm Spri~s..and now ~n thirty seconds you'll be doing your television show in Hollywood. JACK: Gosh Don~ I canlt understand that either. ~L: Ladies and gentlemen, this radio program was t anscrlbed. JACK: Oh, tha~tfhow we do it.~°Goodnight~ ~flks. (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) DON: This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to Your Hit Parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night, presented by Lucky Strike...Consult your newspaper for time and station. The Jack Benny program is heard by our Armed Forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. ( I-11 ~0 ~ 0'18 "1564-
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AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE T~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM BUNDAY, DECemBER 23, 1951 CBS 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST ~ r "'i~ "'r~ ~ L ~ .... CE
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FIRST ROUTI~ (AF~ CON~4ERCIALI MUBIC UF AND DO%rN) DON: THE LUCKY STEIE~ pROGRAM, BTARRING JACK BENNY, WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE~ PHIL HARRIS, ROC}~TER, DENNIS DAY, AND "YOURS TRITLY'r DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...MUBIC OF AND DOWN) DON: lADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 0MEISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY.$ ROOH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: SO lET'S GO OUT TO JACK BENNY'S H0r.~ IN BEVERLY HILLS .... ~A~REWEFIND JAC~ AND ROC~TERBUSILYTRIMEING THE TREE. (SINGS) JIN~LEBELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JIN~lEALLT}~WAY .... SANTA 0h&US WORE5 ONCE A YEAR BUT I WORK ~Y DAY -- JINGLE BELLS...JINGLE BEL[S..o Roohest~e Just gonna stand the~e slngln~, w~'ll never ~t this t~ee deoorated. G~ve mo anothe~ o~nan~gntt will you please? YES SIR,..(PADSE) }~REYOUARE. Thanks. I think I 'ii put this one right...here. That's p~ett~. Gi~e ~e another one, ~iil ~ou~ Rooheste~9 YES SIR...(PA~SE) HERE YOU ARE. Thank you. Now 1111 put this one on...thls bmanoh.., Just a few more and we'll be finished. me a big one. COMING U~. (PAUSE) HErE YOU ARE. Oh boy, this is re~lly ~ hlg one. on~ w~ up near the -- (~OO~D: POP) Rochester, this time give I think I'll hang this CE A 1"1401 0181566
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JACK: ROCH: JACK: R@~H: JACK: • ROCH: JACK: Y{0CH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: -2- Oh da~n it, I broke it. And I tried to beadle it SO gently. BOSS, NEXT YEAR WHY DONrT YOU B~ ORNAMENTS INSTEAD OF HAVING ME BLOW TH~ OUT OF BUBBLE GUM. Thank you. Now Rochester, I better put this star on top of the tree and then we'll be all -- }~...I can't reach the top of it. I~LLRUN OUT TO T~ GARAGE ANDGET THE LADD~, No no, that.ll take too much time..,the gang,ll be here any minute and I want this tree finished. I know what....you bend over and I~ll stand on your back, 0KAy....LIE~ THIS? Yeah...,now hold still while I get up on your back. (GRU~) There...Hold still, Rochester.,.Now I.ll reach ~p and put the st&r right/~the --- (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) COMING~ Rochester.... (SOUND: BODY FALL) OO00000~L~C~I%, OH, MY GOODNESS. BOSS...BOSS...AREYOU HURT? Rochester...you knew I was standing on your baok. Why did you move? IT,S YOUR OWNFAULT. ~fault? ~,THO 1 018156?
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ROCK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK : ROCM : JACK: -ReeH: JACK: JA eke. JACK: ROCH: ROCH: WB -3- YEAH...YOU WORK ME IffJ(E A FIRE HORSE, AND WHEN I ~EAR A BELL, I GOTTA GO! Oh. (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) COMING... COMING. (}~...fi~e horse) !~ (SOUND: RECEIVE~ UP) ~LLO?.. ,N0...~...I'M SORRy. (NECE~E~ DONE) Who ~as that? FALSE ALARM. ~m. Now Rochester, I want to put thl8 ste~ up on the top of the tree, so will yoa please N~~ on your back (GRUNT-~ if you~ee~ answer the deo~ ~z~ YES SIR. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) (SINGS) JINGLE BELLS, J~NGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY... (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) PITMO 1 0181568
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C MARy: ROCH: MARy: JACK: ~t~RY: JACK: JACK: MARy : JACK: MARy: JACK: MARY: JACK: ~RY: JACK: MARy: JACK: JACK: ROCH: Hello, Rochester. Merry Christmas. AND A M~qRy CHRISTMAS TO YOU, TOO, MISS LIVINGSTON. COME ON IN. Hello, Jack, DOOR CLOSES...FEWFOOTSTEPS) have any of the other - Hold it, Msmy, hold it...don't move. What? you're under the mistletoe. Here I come. (SODND: FIVE FAST FOOTSTHPS...LLIX~OOONGGG KISS) Ther~...How was that, Mary?...Mary...where are you? I'm over here, you kissed the bridge lamp. What? you always close your eyes too soon. Of course I closed my eyes .... I was being romantic. Romautic! (IAUG~) What are you laughing at? When you came at me with your llps puckered up, you looked like the Super Chief whistling at a crossing. Super Chief, Super Chief. ~~. I'm only kidding, Jack. What about these presents I brought...where shall I put them? Oh, presents, huh?...Well .... let's go in the living room and put tbemu~dar the tree. (SOUND: FEW FOOT~TE~S) Rochester, what are you doing? I'M PUTTING~JNONTMEHRANC~. WB <
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~¢ --5~ JACK: Oh good, good ... Well, Ma~y how do you llke my Christmas tree? MARy: Oh, Jack, it's beautiful, and I,ve never seen such unusual ornaments. JACK: Yes, they are. MARy: 4~ut ~hould be moved a little toward the -- (sou~): POP) JACK: Hmm. ~% MARy: JaCk, the orne~ent exploded....Ar, d all I did w~s touch it like- (soUND: PoP) MARY: There goes another one. JACK: ~ heard it, I heard it. You and your sharp flngernsils. ROCH: (BLOWING) MARY: Rochester, wh~b are you doing? ROCH: I'M BLOWING REPLACEMENTS. JACK: MARY: Jack, everybody will be here soon.,~elp me put my gifts ~/,ound the tree. US
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JACK: RCCH: JACK: MARy: JACK: JACK: ELLIOT: JACK: ELLIOT: JACK: JACK: EI~LIOT: JACK: JACK: -6- Okay...Rochester, run upstairs ~nd bring mine, YES SIR. Mary, you certainly brought enough packages. you're not kidding. To get them over here I thought I'd have to get a wheelbarrow. A wheelbarrow!~y, that reminds me of a wonderful story th~t.s go .~o~d.~s so__funny I've got to tell it to you. A There ~as e man w~wo~kimg at the place where they make tie atomic bombs in Oak2idge, Tennessee. And as you know, everything they do there is top secret. And one day, at Quitting time, this msn was going through the gate pushing a wheelbarrow filled with excelsior, when the guard -- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) }~l. Excuse me. (SOUND: FOUR FOOTSTEPS,..DOOR OPENS) Package for Mr. Benny. I'll take it, boy. yes sir. Sign right here. Cortalnly. (SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING) There. Thank you. Just a mlnute, boy. (SOUND: JINGLE OF COINS) Here's a tip for you. WB W FJ1 ~KO 1 0'18 "1-~ ~" 1
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~ •. ~.. ~.~ ,.~ ~. ~ , ~ . • ...... ~. ~ ~•~ ~o ~~!•~4~.~~ *.~,~. ~, / -7- ELLIOT : Thank you. JACK: Mary, look at this beautiful package that just came. Isn't it .... Boy, you can go. ELLIOT: A~en't you gonna open it9 JACK: What? EI/~IOT: The package...please...please open it. JACK: Why shouId I open St? ELLIOT: You gotta. (PLEADING) I can't stand it any longe~. For two weeks now without a day off I'm deliverinrln~ .~nmlsChristmas pack~ges .... (~RYING A LITTLE) .... big ones,/~ones, ~een orles, red ones, blue ones, white ones. JACK: y -- ELLIOT: I keep tryln' to guess...what's in these packages...the big ones, the smsII ones, the green ones, the red ones... JACK: Boy...take it easy... ELLIOT: (CRIES) I can't help it...At night when Z get home...I canJt eat, I can'ts~slee...I keep thinking, thinking, thinking...what,s in~e packages...the red ones, the green ones, the big ones, the -- (HYSTERICAL CRYING) ... It's driving me nuts: JACK:~q~ellow -.- ELLIOT: (SOBBING) pLEASE...PLEABE...OPEN IT. JACK: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL OPEN IT. ELLIOT: (JUMPING WITH JOY) BEtS GONNA OPEN IT,..}~'S GONNA OPEN IT! ...(IAUGES HYB~ICALLY) }~$ GONNA OPEN IT~...HURRY .... HURRy: JACK:Control yo~self, ~e~, I'm opening it, I'm opening it. (SOUND: UNWRAPPING PAPEN) RI~OI 011:t1522
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JACK: EI~LIO~ : JACK: ELLIOT : ~A~OK: ~L%Ry: JACK: JAGS: JACK: There...it's open...Itts from my brother-ln-law, Leonard Fenchel. I DON'T CARE WHO ITIS FROM...WHAT IS IT, W~AT I~ IT? Here it is ...see? .... It,s an a~h tray. OH, GOODY GOODY... ITIs AN ASH TRAy...IT,S AN ASH TRAy~NO%T I CAN SLEEP TONIG}~... I~W@~ TL~,N TI:ILZIT::C ADCL~ SgEF~-e ~E S y- TM~-~D~aEES ~_T/~_B~O _OiV~S ,-T~ 4~4A~- ~ .... (SINGS) JINGLE B~Yu'~5, JINGLE BELLS, J/NGLE A/25 T}~ WAY ... OH, W}L~T FUN IT IS ~0 ~0W, AND THANK YOU, SIR, GOOD DAY. (SOUND: ~,00~ SLEMS) G~, it takes so ?.ittle to m~ke some people happy .... Now, M~ry, ~he~e was I? You were telling =e a story about a fellow with a wheelbaP~ow. Oh ~es. As I tol,~ ~ou, everything is top secret at the atomic plant in (ak~idge...so when this fellow came through the gate with a uheelbarrow full of excelslor...the seourlty police noticed that -- (SOUND: D30R BUZZER) Oh, for heaven sakes...these interruptions..excuse me, Mary. (SOUND: FOUR FOOTSTE~S .... DOON OPENS) %, / OE ~ 1NO 1 01815?3
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~ / -9- JACK: Oh, hello, Don, Merry Christmas DON: Merry Chrdstmas to you, JaCke~t JACK: I~n, how come you brought th et over...welre not rehearsing. DON: Oh, they have some packages they want to put t~nder your tree. JACK: Oh...oh., .well, co~ on in, boys. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES...FEW FOOTSTEPS) MARy: Merry Ch~,Istmas, Don. • DON: The same to you, Mary. You too, Rochester. ROCH: M~ CHRISTMAs, MR. WILSON. DON: Say Jack, Itve never seen such a beautifully decorated tree. (SOUND: ESCAPING A~) 0R~ ~AS A SLOW IaAK.~ ~, put a b~d~it. DON: Well .... al ~t~. t,° o tho / CE FI 1- ~0"1 0'18 '| 574
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_lO_¸ JACK: Oh...Oh...what Is :It? DON: We1.1~omething very ~u~ual...~he~ll be o~amJ about J.t. JACK'~at is It, Don, w~'~t ±~ it? DON: Well, Jack, ve have a f~lly album at home...~d ~ it are severaI- plctures of me...vhell T ~a8 il~ CO1. ege...high s0haol ~? JACK: Don...Don,..this morning...you...~'ou had a J JACK: N,~la~g-r~'~'gl~....~it,'ll make ~. beau~ful, cal.e~d~ .... An~ay, Don, vhen you came ln~ Z ~as te3.~.ln~ Me.:ey ~ sto~r about about ~ fellow vho ~orked :in the Atomic plant at Oakridge, Tennessee. And each night th±~ fellov ~¢ou?-d go through the gate with a '~heel.barro~ fil'ked vith ... DON: Ja~te to interrupt ~uch an interesting ~torF ... but the quartet has to leave. JAOK: 0h...oh...so long, fel'to~, Me~r~j 0h~lstrna~ .... so the security police knew that the man va~ stealing sotne~;hS.ng, ~o... (lng2Ro rar20 COMMERCIAL) JACK: The7 examined the excelsior but they cou'~dnlt find onytlalng, so the~ let h$~a pas~'~e next ~±ght this m~n c~ne through again pu~hing a vheelb~rov filled vith exoe?.slor. _~ / CE
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Listen, listent listen, listen. Better watch out, you better not cry Listen now Jack We,re telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to tow~ He's making a llst, and checking it twice Conna find out who,s na~hty or nlce Santa Claus is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you,re awake He knows if you,ve been bad or good So be good for goodness sake. Oh you better watch out, you better not cry Listen no~ Jack, ~e:re telling you ~h~ Santa Claus Is coming to town. With plenty of Luckles right on his back A carton or two for Mary and Jack Santa Cl~us is coming to ~. And you can be sure that Santa Is glad Bringing those Luckies to mother and dad. Santa Claus is coming to town. ~-. QUART : Now Santa ~P~us knows that Lucky Strikes are mild That is true He also knows they,re round and firm And they,re so much better tasting, too. Be happy, go Lucky, better start now Open a pack we,re telling you how Sant~ Clans is coming to town on Tuesday Listen, listen, listen, listen, Santa Claus 18 coming to town. -'IOA- JACK: Fellows, I'm trying to tell a story. You don,t have to sing to ~e.,°, (AP2LmJSE) R]MO 1 0181526
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(SECOND ROUTINE) JAOK: That was very good, -ll- fellows. You can go~-~'~ (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK: So the security police once again took the excelsior out of the wheelbarrow .... and this time they really examined it... But -- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JAOK: [~h, for hezven sakes...COME I~. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) PHi5: H'ya, klds...Mer~7 Christmas, everybody. om~o: (An LIB G~IN~S) PHIL: Hey Jackson, th~t,s a nice tree you got this year... JACK: Thanks. MARY: Have you decorated yours, Phil? PHIL: Yeah, Livvy, and you ought to see it...It's in the corner of the living room, and it,s got a big gold star on top, and it,s loaded down with lights and tinsel, and then in the den we,ve got our presents laid out. DON: In the den? Why donlt you have the presents under the tree? PHIL:~There,s no room there. JACK: No room...why, what's under the tree? PHIL: My orchestra, we had a party last night. JACK: Phil...Phil...you mean all ?ou~ musicians are lying under the tree? PHIL:~l except Bagby...he,s sitting there playing the piano. JACK: ~Gee, you must be proud of him. V CE / RT~,01 0181522
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PHIL: JACK: I would be if we had a piano. ~ phil..let mo ask you somethlnga.if your boys bad a party last night, how come you're in such good condition? PHIL: I'm on the wsgon, Dad..dontt you know that l~ke a drink during the month of December? Why not? • I ~ ~@-~ave a white Chrlstmas. Oh, how thoughtful. MARY: Say Phil..w~d~d Alice give you for a present? PHIL:~ I won't kn99~tlll~ Chrlstmas..but I got her somothing bsautlfu~e~ real~ck out of..I called up and ordered an Encyclopedia Britannica. MARY: Encyclopedia Brlttanlca? That' s a strange gift for you to think of...a set of books. pHIL: Books? Holy smoke, I thought it was one of them foreign cars. MARY: phil, how could you be so ignorant..mistaking the Encyclopedia Brlttanina for a-- JACK: (SWEETLY)~%y, leave him alone..that.s a natural mIstake..anyone could have made it...Now Phil, I'd like to ask you something. pHIL: '9~h~, Jackson~ JACK: It's about that package you have under your a~m...If it's a present for me, give it to me already°..if Ibis not, tell me so I can stop being nice to you, ~ , J PHIL: Hey, I'm glad you reminded me, Jackson~you. JACK: Good, good..put it under the bros. JACK: PHIL: JACK: : BS AI~O'I O~81528
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-13- • PHIL: JACK: JACK: MAEY: PHIL: JACK : No no, open it no~, Well .... if you insist .... (SOUND: PAPER PACKAGE BEING OPENED) JACK: (PISSED) Phil....Phil...thank you very much. P}hq~: You're welcome, Jackson ... I figured an oil painting would go swell in your den. Well, it,s really beautiful. What is it? It,s a picture of the sun rising over the downtown branch of the California Bank. Yeah, I'll hang it between the pictures of my sponsor and M~. Paley .,. It'll look so nice when -- MEL: (SQUAWKS WHIStLes) PHIL: Hello, Polly .... JACK: ~y kids, I wanna show you something I t~ught Polly to do just for Chrlstmas .... Oh Polly .... ( QUAWK JACK: Polly.4.r-eci~the poem Daddy taught you. JACK: Come on, Polly....Twas the nlght4..Twas the night .... MEL: (8QUAWZf8) Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house ( S~UAWXS ) ¢E I-'11 i~I0 ~ 018'1529
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JACK: Go on, go on. ~L: Not a creature was stirring, Not even a ... a ... (~£HISTLES) JACK: Come on, Polly...Not even a ... not even a what? ~U: (SQUAWKS) JACK: Not even a ... M .., 0 ... U ,.. S ... E. JACK: Thst's two O's...Stupld psrrot...Oh say, Phil before you came IZI ~wonderful sto1~ that/~-g~Ing~zo/K~u JAC~ O~~e ~-~-p~.... ~r-fiii=d ,iLh ~Auelsior. ~o, Dhe guard i~sp (sounD: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: I krLew it, I knew it ..... COME IN. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) A~TIE : Hello, everybody..., season ' s greetings. JACK: Hey kids, itts M~. Kitzel. (APPLAUSE) ARTIE: Mr. Benny, I just drro~ped by to tell you I saw your television show last Sunday an~enjoyed it to my heart,s contentw~,~z~. JACK: Well, thank you, Mr. Kitzel. x CE A]'~O~ 018'1580
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! • /~TIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: -15- The whole program was wonderful, but that French glrl you had on with you Was so ething s oial. Oh, you me'he Franoo~~ ~ -~._. • Yes..she was so beautiful and what a figdre~.Nt fe~, elly la plu form voluptuai .~-monde. What does that mean? H00 H00 H00 . ,~ Well M~. Kitzel, if you like her so much, I've got~news for you. Helene Francois is going to be a Euest on my radio program next week. Oh, Mr. Benny..how I would love to see hot in person..Oould you get me a tloket? I think so....In fact, I'll try to get you two tickets so you can take your wife along. Try ~eal herd and just get one. Huh? .... 0h.~.I see what you mean. ~__~--_ _~ Not that I ~anythln~ ~gainst wife..~lug ~...In fact, for ~ 0b/,Istmas present she knltted~ this tie I'm wearing. MARy: Say, that's a very pretty tie. AETIE: This isn't all..walt till I unbutton my jacket..now look. MARY: Oh..she even knltt~d a belt to ~toh the tie. ARTIE: It's still the tie, she didn't know when to stop. JACK: (LAUG}~NG) Mr. Kitzel, you're joking. ARTIE: (LAUGh) My...~k at mv sox. they.re Be, ATe401 0181581
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ARTIE: well, Mr. Benny, I just wanted to ~ Merry Christmas and a Happy New yeem. GANG: (AD LIB) Same to you, Mr. Kitzei...Merry Christmas. (APPLAUSE) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK: Now ~et~s see..what was I doing before Mr. Kitzel came in. DON: ~puu ~ere in the middle of a joke. PHIL:" ~Th~ That's rl t, Jackson, you were telling us an antidote. ~CK: ~ That s anecdote...Antidote. £_{IL: Gee, I always tho~ht it "was antidote. JACK:~)#e No, Phil...it's aneedote..A..N.,~ MEL: (F~T)XD,0,T,E. (SQUAWEB AND WHISTLES) JACK: F~m, that she can spell...but mouse to her is moose.,you know, sometimes that bird--- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACK: Well, I hope that's Dennis. Then I can tell the story to everybody. (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENSi JACK: Oh hello, Dennis. DENNIS: Trick or treat: JACK: ~mm...for heavens sakes, Dennis..thl8 is Cbmlstmas. Why in the world would you think it's Hal~oween? DENNIS: I Just passed phil,s house and there sme bottles dt~nped all over the lawn. JACK: Dennls..those weren't dumped..Phil had a party and those are calling cards.. Now come on in. RS R1H01 0181582
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MARy: (OFF) Who is it, Jsck? JACK: Bernemd Bar uoh. MARY: (IAUGHING) Oh hello, Dennis..Merry Christmas. DENNIS: Merry Christmas, everybody. JACK: Say Dennis, I was just tellin~ ~ -- Dennis, wh~t happened? you~, j&w looks like it's swollen. JACK: %~ny, ~h~t's ~ron~ kid? );~NNI8: I had a tooth pulled this morning. ~/L~,y: That's a shame I~gnnls..was it h~ting you? D~NNIB : No. I,,CN: Did it have a cavity in it? DENNIS: No. JACK: Then ~hy did you have it pulled? DENNIS: My unole's a de_nti~ and th~s w~t he gave me fop Christmas. JACK: well of a/l the.g.thatTs the~tupld~ thing I ever heard... letting your Uncle pull you~ tooth. DENNIS: Oh, it's not so stupid. ~~/_~_~ MARy: Jack's ~ight, Dennis..how could you-~eK- -h~ pull you~ tooth for Christmas~ ) DENNIS: It looked silly in my mo~th. JACK: Why? DENNIS: He al~eady had it gift w~apped. JACK : ~n. MA~y: Dennis .... do you mesh that you let you~. ,. JACK: Mary, are you going to go along with this thing? MA~: Jack, this is so2antsstic, l~ve gotta find out...Re~, yo~ Mesh that you le[ you~ U~le pull one of youm teeth every Christmas? RB I::¢ '/ M 0 '~ 018~583
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x • I • -18- & -19- DENNIS: Uh huh~then I can't wait till my birthday so he'll pull another one~ DENNIS: That's how I keep my upper~ and lowers even• JACK: Look Dennis... DENNIS: Three mo~e years and you can call me G~my. JACK: I~nnis~ itls Christmas.. Why c~n~t you come in here ~u~t once yeal~ and-- oh my goodoess...look what I forgot. JACK: This pressDt here under the t~ee.. It's for Ed, the raa~ who gusmds m~ va t. , DON: Well J8 ce~tainl~ ~i~e of ~ou to remember him. JACK: Don, all the ~eams that Ed has ~esn down there, never once have I forgotten him at chrls~n~s...Excuse me, kids.. ;I wanna go down there and give him his present. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, .DOOR OPENS..FOOTSTEPS GOING DOWN STAIRS AND EVENTUALLY TAKING O~i A ~OLLOW EOU~D)., JACK: Gee it's derek. I can hsmdly see the b~idge ~oross the moat.. Oh there it is. (SOUND: COUPL~ OF NOPd~-L FOOTSTEPS..THEN W~ HEAR SOUND OF WAT~ LAPPING LIGHTLy AS WE }~ JACK'S FOOTSTEPS ON WOODE~ BRIDGE..T}~Y ~OP BBT WAT~ CONTINUES.) HS f~l~O'! 0'181584-
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i JACK: -20- Hm..the moat looks empty without the alllgato~..I'll have to get another one...Memyh__ad_ad to have a purse for christmas .... Oh well... (SOUND: COUPLE MOKE FOOTSTEPS OFF WOOD..ON REGULAR FLOOR..STOP..RATTLING OF CHAINS.. IRON DOOR CREAKS OPEN..TWO FOOTSTEPS..RATTLING OF LOUD~ CHAINS..IRON DOOR CRF~ OPEN..T}~ COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) FFu%RNS: Halt~ who goes there..F~lend o~ foe? JACK: F~lend. ~GRNS: Whst's the password? JACK: When you s~y I beg your pardon, then I'ii come back to you. KEARNg: Oh, Itls you, Mr. Benny. JACK: ThstTs ~ight, Ed. KEARNS: Well, I'll light a candle so you can see the combination on the safe. JACK:6~No no, Ed..l'm not down hero to open the safe. EEARNS: You're not? No~.Z~b~ou~ht you your present. Oh..(SI~S) Hap~ birthday to me, happy blrthday to-- No no, Ed.4.It's Christmas. JACK: KEARNB: JACK: KEARNS: JACK: EEARNS: JACK: KEARNS: Christmas? How time fliesJ Well go ahead, Ed...Open your present. 1 will. (SOUND: PAP~ PACKAGE BEING OPEN~) There you are, Ed...do you llke it? Oh .... just what I've always wanted..A kite. RS F~'I-MO J 0181585
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I JACK: I knew you' lik4"it. JACK: you're welcome..So long, Ed. K~ARNS : Goodbye. (SOUND: JACK: ~h; Ed? EEARNS : JACK: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS. ,THEN STOP) -21- y~, Mr. Benny. I've got the most wonderful joke to tell you..I hope you haven't heard it before. }~ARNS: Down here? JACK: ~Oh..l forgot...Well~hat a m~n wss working ~t the 0akRidge Atomic Plant, and one night he walked out p~st the guard with a wheelbarrow filled with exoelslor.~eguemd inspected the excelsior and found nothing in it, So he let him pass. The next night the same man came along and again he was pushing ~ wheelbarrow filled with excelsior but this time the guard was very suspicious so he checked the excelsior carefully and still couldn't find anything. This kept hagponing for ten days till the guard was nesmly crazy because he knew the ~an w~s stealing something and he couldn't find out what...So the next nlght when the man csme out with wheelbarrow filled with excelsior, the guamd stopped himra~gl- took him in a room and said, "Now look, we know you're stealing • something. If you'll tell us what it is, we promis 't arrest you or punish you...Now what is it youlre stealing?" And the man said, "Wheelbarrows.~ (JACK LAUGE5 IT UP BIG) ......... I don't get it. ' RS F11-NO 1 0181586
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JACK: KEARNS : JACK: KEARNS : MARy: JACK: r i ~RY: JACK: -22- Oh, of course not..Silly me..I forgot..You've been down here so long you don't know vhat an atomic plant is. I don't even know what a wheelbarrow is. Oh...well...Merry Christmas, Ed. Merry Ch~is~na8. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS..IRON DOOR CLANG8 SHUT...FOOTSTEPS REGULAR DOOR OPENS) Jaek..you took so long..we're all waiting for you. Waiting? Where is everybody? In the next room..they're all gathered around the plano... Dennis i8 going to sing some christmas e~ols. Oh good...Let's go in ~nd listen. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...SCUFFLE OF CHAIRS) (DE~h~NIS DOE8 CHRISTians MEDLEY) JACK~ Ladies ~nd gentiemen~ DON: on behalf of my sponsor and my entire c~st, I want to wish everybody a very Merry ch~Istmes. (ON CUE) THIS IS THE OBS RADIO NETWORK.r RS AT~,O'I 0"18158?
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?~oG~ #16 REVISED SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM Bb~qDAY, DRC~,~ER 30, 1951 CP~ 4:00-4:30 PM PST (Transcribed Dec. 19, 1951) JL R1~01 0181588
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i , THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM, - -A- SUNDAy, DECEMBER 30, 1951 (TAPED DE~ 19, 1951) OFENING O0~4ERC IAL SI~b~T: THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ... transoribed...presented by LUCICf STRIKE. CRCA: (FULL V~MP) OHGR~j~: Be Happy -- Go Lucky Be Happy -- Get Better Taste Be Happy -- Go Lucky Get Better T&ste today~ (SHORT CLOSE) ~RTIN: Luckles taste better~ SHARBUTT: Friends, --IS/MFT -- Lucky Strlke means fine tobacco -- fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco. There's no substitute for fine tobacco -- and don't let anybody tell you differentl ~RTIN: yes, Luckles taste better! -- Because their fine, mild, good-tasting tob&eco goes into the cigarette proved the best-made of all five prinolp~l b~ands -- let m e repeat that ... proved the best-made of all five principal brands~ That's not &n empty claim -- that's ~ f~c~t -- ve~ifled by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Froehllng &nd Robertson of Ric~ond, Virginia, who report... SHARBUTT: "It is oum conclusion that Lucky Strlke is the best-made of these five major brands." MARTIN: Don't be misled by double-talk. Remember the facts! Enjoy fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco in the clga~ette that tastes better -- Lucky Strlke~ JL ~'r ~0'1 O'18 ~589
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THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNOAy, DECEMBER 30~ 1951 (TA~ED DRCmv2a~ 19, 1951) OPENING COF~RCIAL [CONTINL~D) Z!~%RBUTT: (STRAIGHT DELIVERy) -- SO mild, so smooth, OROH: CHORUS : -B- so firm and f~,esh -- with better taste in every puff: When you buy cigarettes, remember -- Luckies taste better! (FULL V~P) Be Happy -- GO Lucky Go'Lucky Strike today! (LONG CLOSE) JL A]N01 0"18'1590
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(FIRST NOS"r INE ) -I- *"~ (AFTER cOMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: T~S LUCKY STRIEE PROGRAM, STARRING SACK BENNY..WITH MARy LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, T~, SPoRTSMEN QUARTET, AND "yOURS TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAIf3E..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GENTIE~EN, TOMORROW WILL BE NEW YEAR'S EVE.. RUT JACK HAS INVITED THE, GANG OVER TODAY FOR HIS ANNUAL PRE-NE%[ YE~B~ 0~L~RATION..SO ~ETrS GO OUT TO JACKtS HOME IN BEVERLy HILLS WHERE WE FIND ROCR~STER PREPNEING FOR ' " THEIR ARRIVAL. ROCK: (STNOS) WHEN YOU BAY I BEG YOUR PARDON, TNEN ~ 'LL COME BACK TO YOU. WHEN YOU ASK ME TO FORGIVE YOU, I'LL RETURN. JACK: Rochester... ROCH: (SINGS) ~ TNE SWALLOWB AT SERRANG RETURN TO CAPISTRAN0 JACK: Roche s ter. ROCH: . OH NELID, BOSS. JACK: ~I-I~... I appreciate your slngi~g my song, but my geng ~ill be here soon and I w~nt ever~thlng to be Just ~ight. Now are things coming? ROCH: FINE, BOSS, FINE. JACK: What about the egg no~ you were going to p~epa~e? Did you make it? ROCH: UH HUH. JL (181_.9i
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-2- JACK: How do you fix that egg hog, Rochester? ROCH: JIlT EGGS AND BOURBON. JACK: of cour.se I'm not much of a connoisseur of drinks, but that seems rather strange to me. I wonder why anyone would ever think of mixing eggs and bourbon. ROCH: IT'S PSYCHOLOGIOAL, BOSS. JACK: Psychological? ,~ ROCH: YEAH...YOU SEE, THE ECC~ MAKE YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTING SO~THING VKqy HEALTHFUL. JACK: Uh huh? ROCH: AND T~ BOURBON MAKES THAT FACT UNIMPORTANT. JACK: Well, that's logical...By the way, Rochester, how much egg nog did you make? ROCH: WELL, I CUT IT pRETTY CLOSE. YOU'RE HAVING FIVE GI~ESTS AND I FIGURED IF ~IS A LITTLE ~ OVER I CAN ALWAYS TAKE IT TO A PARTY I '~M GOING TO TOMORROW NIGHT. JACK: Good...good...How m~ch did you make? ROCH: FIFTY GALLONS. JACK: Fifty gallcns~ Rochester, you've got a lot of--- (SOUND: ~OOR BUZZER) JACK: /~n I'ii get it/ ~ - (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) JL 8TN01 018]D9~
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MARy: Hell% J~ok. JAOK: Hello, M~y...you,re the first one hero,.,Come on in. (SOUND: DOOR CUmin) ~y: $s,y Jack, how oom~ ~ou'rs having this p~ty in the ~ternoon?...Every other ye~ you'vo bad it in the evening. JACK: Well Mamy..to tell you t~ truth, I h~ve ~ deto tonight. MARy: With whom? JACK: Well, you know that pretty French girl, Helone Fr~ools,~ ~/~ who was on my last television show? / MARy: Oh ~s...~e, she's beautiful. JACK; yeah..tonlght I 'm gonn~ take he~danclng. ,We' pe+ going to Chamlie oy's n~ cl~you know w~t ~y. ,~he-k'~T~" What makes you think SOp Well, w~n I took her homo in a cab+ she kept snuggllng to me and ~hisperlng in my e~ "Vo shav~ say-shot". Vo shav~ say-shot? yeah, I'ii have to~o~ ~ uPr YOU don't ~ave ~o. Why, what does~hat me~? you~ to~e is slipping, Oh....woll ~ le~t s~ o~es,., I'll s~ one thing, Ja~,,,shels a ~ho~ lot D~er than the glrl you used ~ go out with.,~ba~ Oiad~Eyblsoo._ MARy: JACK: MARy: JACK: MARy: JACK: ~Y: JACK: MARy : JL FI] ~40'1 018"1593
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JACK: Now wait a minute, Ms/~ .Gladys~a swell girl~ She may not be the ~est beautiful girl in the world..but shels got a nloe figure. I know, but does she hmve to walk that way? Mary, that's not her fault..She:s nearsighted an@ she anticipates the curb lu the m~ddle of the blo~k..So don~t be orltical..Now come o.~b Mary, how about a gla~s of egg nog? M~RY: Sur.e Jack, I'd .... wait a minute, ~ho made that egg nog? JACK: Rochester. MARY : Uh uh. JACK: Why, wh~tls the n~tter? MARy: Well, last New Yea~s I tasted some of Rochester's e~ ~og and the next thing I knew, I w~s at the Rose Bowl Game. JACK: Oh...you saw the gsme? MARy: S~W it nothing..I was playing left tackle for Michigan. JACK: Stop kidding. ~ome on..~ a -- (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK: I~ll get it. (SOUND: RECEIVER UP) JACK: Hello. DENNIS: Hello, M~. Benny, this is Dennis...what time does the party start? JACK: Three o,eloek. DENNIS: Well, what time is it now? JAOK: Half past one. DENNIS: 0h...then I guess I won't have enough time to shave. JACK: \ ~1~01 018~594
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q JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: MARY: DENNIS : JACK: -\ / -5- Dennis, why should it take you an hotu, and a half to shave? I haventt got the fuzz yet. Oh for heaven's sake. It takes me three months to get a five o'clock shadow. All right, all right..Now hurry over here..Goodbye. Goodbye. (g0U~D: P~0EIVE~ DOWN) What a silly kid. Jack, was that Dennis o~ the telephone? Yeah, it was me. ~BT~DENNISI Row'd you get here so quickly? DENNIS: wl was on the extension in the kitchen. JACK: Oh. . ~.~. DENNIS: I would have been here sooner, but I stopped to get a~ o~t of the ma~hlne. JACK: Oh..well, Dennis, how ~bout h&ving a ~lass of e~g hog? DENNIS: Oh boy, egg nog..that's fore -- (SUSPICIOUS) Wait a minute.. who made it9 JACK: Rochester. DENNIS: Uh uh. JACK: Why not? D~NIS: Last year I basted some of Bo~hestenls :eg~ no6 and the next thing I knew, Msmy was playing in the Ruse Bowl. JACK: yeah, I know, I know...Now look, kids, as soon as ~ - (sou~D: DOOR BUZZ~) JACK: COME IN. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) R1~01 0181595
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JACK: DON: MARy: DON : DENNIS : JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: DON : JACK: MARY: DON : JACK: DON : JACK MARy: JACK: -6- Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Hello Don. Hya, 14ary~.Dennis. Hello. Come on Inj ]~M~o (S0U~D: DOOR 0LOSES) . ..... Would you llke ~Idrink~k~ Wait a minute, Jack...first I want to show you something. What? LOok. Don..you're wearing the cuff links I gave you for Christmas.. Isn't that nice. Don, you can take the csmd off, everybody knows who gave 'em to you. Well, I'm not taking it off.,.l wanta make sure people kn~ what ~ cheap gift Jack gave me. What? JACK, I'VE BEEN WITH YOU EIGHTEEN YEARS°o.EIGHT~ Y~ARS OF LOYALTY AND DEVOTION..EIGHT~ YEARS WITHOUT MISSING ONE PROGRAM. o .AND YOU SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION WITH A PAIR OF LOUSy DOLLAR NINETY-EIGHT_HT CENT CUFF LI}~<SI WEIL! Talk about appreciation, whati~e ~ou complaining about? That certainly wssn't such a hot gift you sent me. What did he send you, Jack? A gold watch..a w~ist watch yet. f FI1 ~01 0181596
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MARy: JACK: DON: JACK: "-" DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: JACK: PHIL: GANG: PHIL: JACK: -7- What's wrong with a wrist watch? What's wrong with it?...you walk down the street ~earing an expeusive thing llke that..somebody sees it, hits iyou over the head, takes it away from you, and your money, too .... That's what's Wrong with it...Anyway, Don, let's ~hake hands and forget the whole thing. Okay, Jack...I'm sorry I lost my temper. That's ell right, Dou...By the way, woold you llk~ a glass of egg hog? Egg nogI Say, that's one of my favorlte....Wait minute.. ~ho made it? Rochester. Uhuh. What's the matter with Rochester's egg hog? Last year I tasted some, and the next thing I kne~ Mamy and Dennis tackled me in the Rose Bowl. Everybody comes in ~Ith the same-- DOOR BUZZER) (SOI~D: COME IN. (SOL~D: DOOR OPENS) HIYA, JACKBON...~LLO, EVERYBODY. . .HAPPY NEW YEAR: (~) LIB HAPPY NEW YEAR TO pHIL) Say~ JaskBon~ what's the idea of switohl~ thiB p~ty $o a daylight affalr...Don't you trust us with the silv?rwe/e? That's not it, Phil. I'm going to a nlghtclub toD~gaht... I've got a date. JL RI~0'I 0181S9~:~
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. - - ~ .~-~ • . ~,!~ ~±z.2~H ~ ,~. ~k/-;. ~':~,~J~~l~~~, ~ACK: -8- PHIL: (sURPRISED) With a glrl? JAOK: WEIL, ~]~AT DID XOU THINK, . °A HORBE? PHIL: COULD BE. • OATS ARE CHEAPER THAN ORCHIDS. ,..HA HA HA'...OH HAFRIS, YOU ~%Y NOT BE M0h~GOM~Y CL~, BUT YOU FOUND YOUR PLACE IN T~sUN~ "- Phil, 3on ~'an stop with those Jokes and find your place under the table..I even put a pillow there... Would you llke a glass PHIL: ~ no~ Now you're talklug, bub..~re~m-~e~--w~it a minute, who mad~ the~ e~ hog? ~ACK: Roohest~r. ?HIL: LEAD ~E TO IT.v TACK: }~mn..-B~-Rochester,,will you pour a gloss of egg hog fo~ Mr. Harrls~I/,~ ..... !O~H: YF~ SIR. (SOU~: LONG pOURING OF EC~S NOG INTO GIASS) HERE YOU ARE, MR. HARRIS. Thanks, Roeh., .,Ahbh! ,,, Tell me, Roch..how do ~eu me~e this egg hog? ~OOH: ~ ONE EGG TO ~I~ ~UARTB OF BOURB0~. ?HIL: ~ Well...here's down the hatch. (DRINKS AND GULPS AS THOUGH >~ ~_~ .!OCH: MR, HARRIS..MR. HARRIS.~. .WHAT HAPPENED? ~HIL: Are you sure that egg was fresh? TACK: It's fresh, it's fresh. ?ELL: W~II...here goes.. (LOhD SWALLOWING SOUND ENDING WITH A HAPPY "AmU*~" ) B]~O~ 0~81598
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j( -9- JACK: well, phil, how do~ou llke It...Phil...how do you llke it? P}[IL: (VERY SURPRISED) ~ ~KSON..WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE ROSE BOWL? JACK: What? P~L: oo~ oN, ~ ~/J~- J~~J" JACK: Iim not at the Rose Bowl yet. Rochester, pour me a ticket. Now, Dennis - - JACK: ye~I ~ah. Report to the'/~ef~ree and sing ~ song. DEh~NI S : Okay. (DENNIS'S SONG - %~ILE YOUiEE yOUNG") (APplAUSE) ~L RINOI 0181599
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< -IO- (~COND R0~TINE) JACK: That was swell, Dennis ... Well kids ..I havg-;~o leave soon to take Helene Francois to the ~//Z.. would ' any of you like to join us? DON: Thanks, Jaok, but I can't make it. PHIL: Me nelthem. MAEY: I'd like to go, Jack. JACK: Good good. How ~bout you, Dennis? n DENNIS:~,Sure...flne...I,11 take Ma~. MARY : Okay. DENNIS: Say Mary, will you glve me a klss when I take you home? MARY: I don't k~ow, Dennis...I,11 think about it. DE~IS: Well, think fast, sister. I aln,t~o ~ng my dough for nothing. ~ JACK: ~. ~- PHSL: ~ Jackson, wh~t~re ~ou gong out tonight for?...Why don't ~ou wait til~ tomorrow night? . .. That,s Ne~ Year,s Eve. JACK: No, no, I never go out on New Year's Eve. ROCH: SAY BOSS, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFEKEN2 THIS YEAR AND GO Ob~? JACK: No, I'm gonna do what I always do and spend it at home. DON: ~B ~1~0~ 0~8~600
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HO~: JACK: MARY : DON : JACK: -ll- N~A}~....AT FIVE MINUTES TO TWELVE I TIP @~gW UP TO MR BENNY'S ROOM, WAKE HIM UP, }~ BLOWS A HORN, FALLS BACK ON T}~ pILLOW, A~D THAT'S IT. Yeah. What are ~ou laughing at, Ma~? Th1~tF-nlne, he says. All right, all right. Now look, kids, I gotta leave now and pick u/~. o~e 6n, Ma~y, Dennis, let,s go. (~NSIT ION ~JSIC ) (SOUND: CROWD NOISES UP AND DOWN) JACK: I like it here 8t Cha~lie Foyts, donlt ~ou, Mary? MARY: Yeah...but, Jeck, you'll never get ~ table .... itts tom crowded. DENNIS: Yeah, look at thos~ people in that little room...Boy, are they Jammed together. ........ JACK: That.s the coat room. Those are coats. DE~IS: Oh .... I wondered why they dldn~ have their pants on. JACK: Neve~ mind, I~ll get a table....Come on, Helene, vouley vous aooompamy moi une toblzy. HEi~[~: Ah, l,ambience de la salle eat Inter~esamte, je suls si heureuse que vous m,ayez invites. < WB
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-12- JACK: T~T, NOW letJs see. wherets the head waiter.,.OH G&~SONE... ,G~SONE. JACK: Ape you the head, falter? A ~- ~ JACK: ~,'l'd like to get a table for four. NELSON: ~[ell, thanI: heavens you didn,t ask for five. JACK: Why? NELSON: I wouldn,t sit with you for a million dollars. J&CK: Now out that out and get us a table. NELSON: All right, follow me. JACK: Come on, kids. (SOU D: F00TST S) ~SON: Here you are, folks. (BOU~D: SCUFFLING OF CHAIRS) JACK: Say, this is ~ pretty good tsble ~t that, lanlt it, Helena? }U~LENE: C,est tres gentil, ohe~i, et nous pouvons voir le spectacle. 0ui, cud. Gee, ~hat a crowd. Wait a minute, where,s Dennis? (F~ENCH ACCE~T) Right behind you, ~cheri. Well, sit down ..... and let,s order. JACK: MARY: JACK: DENNIS : JACK : RTM01 0181602
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"5 -13-l - /v~,L: (DRUNK) Paz'don me, folMs, pardon me, but have you teen my wi£e? J~CK: No no, we he~en~t seen heP. g2L: Oh well, thank you and a HAP-PY ~ %~)/~. JACK: The ss.me to you ..... Now let,s see, what do i -- JACK: Well ~ometb.ing is going to happened, HERB: HAPPY NEW yFAR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS JESSE BLOCK, YOUR ~ISTEE OF CEEF~IONIEs FOE TER i~NING. H~qB: A"~"'IN JUST A MINDTE WE'RE GOYNG TO HASTE SOME DANCING, BUT WHILE THE ORCHESTRA IS SETTING UP, I'VE GOT A JOKE FOR YOU. JACK: Listen to this, Helene, heis going to tell a Joke. HF/~B: A FUNNY THING HAPPENED NERE IN TER CLUB LAST NIGh. YOU KNOW, THIS IS A PRETTY RITZY PLACE. & .AND IAST NIG~ I SAW A WAITER CAPd~Y~NG SOMETHING ON A FLAMYNG ~0ED, SO I ASKID HIM WHAT IT WA8, AND HE SAID, "A 0USTOM~, ME ONLY 12~ A DI~ T]~'~ ..... HA HA HA HA. JACK: Say, that was a pretty good Joke, wasn't it, Mary? ~iRy: What Joke? I wa~ here when the fire department csme JACK: Oh stop .... are you h~ving a good time, Helene? HELRN~: Oui. C'e8t la premiers fois que Je vols un eabame$ Amerlcaln. C'est sl different dee cabarets Parisiens. Mals il me pleit beaucoup, et ~e vous remercie milles foi8. ME f~ l ,kO 1 0181603
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JACK: M~//Y; JACK: / -15- DENNIS : MARY: DENNIS : MA~Y: DENNIS : Oh really? What did she say, Jack? I don't know...somethlng about how badly she feels that Joe D~mag~o i8 retlrin~. ~DRG}~]STRA STARTS D~u'~ }~JM~ER) JACK: Well, I guess we're golr~ to have dancing before the show erupts. DENNIS; Hey, Msry, you want to ds~%oe with me? MARY:~ Sure, Dennis. DENhIS: Gee, you'~,e ~ swell dancer, Mary. MAR~: Th~nk% Der~zis, but don't hold me so tight. DENNIS: Okay...say, Livvy, have you ever thought ~bout getting married? What? My mother will up ~ allow~ee. Dennls,stop being silly. If ~ou turin me down, I'll kill ~fself. (WhiSTLE) (LAUGHS) Give me a little time to think it over. Okay, but not too long. There are a lot of dames nuts about me, MARY: I k~ow, I }a%ow. DENNIS: Oh yeah,~one. MARY: Denr~is,~Just be quiet and dance. (MUSIC UP AND DOWN) £T 01 0181604
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-16- JACK: Hele~/l'm so glad you're ~Ith me tonight. }~'I~NE: I am glad, too, Cherle. JACK: You M~o~;, this is the flmst time I----Oh}lelene, therels a fellow coming over to the table who seems to know ~ou. ~LENE: l~he~e?...Oh oui...Ah, Ben Jour, men Che~ ard. ~URICE: Helene.~ ..... Vous...icl,t Je ne vous ~i pas v~ depuls que nous etlons ensemble sur is cote d~azur. Co~aent 811ez-vous, d ma there. }~LENE: Merveilleusement.' C,est si ben de vous revolt. ~URIOE| Ii faut pl, endre un ~endezvous. Je seral It± seulement pour quelques Jots] ~L~,NE: Alo~s...telephonez moi. Je vous dol~nsrai men n~me~o plus t&rd..et nous nous V~ons, ~URICE: Oui...Au ~evoi?, ma che~e. }ELENE : ~voir. JACK: I Who was that? }~LENE: Maxie Ros bloc . ' _ JACK: ~Oh ye~, I dldn~t recognize hlm..°the be~et cove~s up his cauliflower ear...Imagine meeting a -- MEal,: (DRUNK) P~rdon me, folks, pardon me, but have you seen ~y wife? JACK: No no, ~e haven'~° ~L: Oh well, thank you and a HAp-}"/ ~ ~AR! JACK: Happy new ~e~r, happy ne~ year...Oh Kelene, look, there's BJ Fll'~O '1 0"18'1605
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- 17 - (~VlSr~) ~SK ~ HOW DO l FEEL AS M~ I~Ow THAT W~RE COZI AND CLINGINQ TEAP.NIHG R]H01 0181606
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JACK: Well, sit down kLds, we bettor order somethSng to e~t...Oh waiter...welter. NELSON: Yess? ~I JACK: I think I 111 have a ham 8andwloh. NELSON: o , sir. JACK: W What1[l yo~ }{~L~: Oh alor8...Jo vale do¢[de~...Je commencera[ avoo uo potage a la ~elne..et pule une omelette..aux ohamplgDons. Alo~s, un sole meun[oro, uDe cotellette do ve~sx garnie..oet ~BO salade verte. NEISON~ ~2al ~suat as that? JACK: /4ff~ ~hhe~wants mustard onh~r sa~dwlch. JACK: ~, Waiter, change my order...I th~nk I'II have ~Crab Lou[o.. m DENNIS: I'Ii have ~ Loule. JACK: Spa~hett [ Lomle? DH~NIS: I thought that was the wa[te~,s name. JACK: Of course not. \ ~EI~0N: It is, too. 8")',~0 ~ 0"1 8"1 6 O?
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JACK: NELSON : JACK: NELS ON : JACK: MEL : JACK: M~L: JACK: MEL: JACK: ~L: JACK: -19 - Loule? No, Spaghetti. Spagetti? I'm Just stringing you along. Now cut that out~...What a crazy guy. (DRUNK) Pardon m~, folks, pardon me, but have you seen my wife ? No no, ~e haven't seen your wife. Well, if you ever do, youtll know why I'm d~unk. What? HAP -- .... Say Mamy, before we eat, s~ppase you and I have the next -- --py NEW YEAR: 0h, go away. (DRUM ROLL A~D CYMBAL) lADlES AND GENTLEMEN, BEFORE WE START OUR GAIA FLOOR SH0~, I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT WE'RE HON~RED TONIf~T BY HAVING %'[ITH US A V~y FAMOUS CELEBRITY. JACK: ~ I wish they wouldn't do that. M HERB: ~,~THIS GENTLEMAN WHOM YOU ALL LOVE IS A V~qY POPULAR STAR C~ STAGE, SOREEN, RADIO, AND NOW TELEVISION. JACV: Ma~y, give me your comb. MARy: Here you are. O181608
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f ,~ ~., ~. e~.,, ~ ~= . . • ~ ,~ L~~ ~ ~.~.,~=~ ~. ~ - -19A - ~B: SO I TAKE GREAT pLEABIYRE IN PRE~ENTING TO YOU THAT POPULAR IDOL OF MILLIONS...RODN~ DANG~RFIEID. (BAND AppLAUD~ AND WHISTLES) JACK: Here's your oomb~ Mary. YOU'VE ALL BEEN ~q. DANGE~FIELD IN THOBE OUTSTANDING W~ST~N PICTURE8 AND WITH A LITTLE ENCO~GEMENT MAYBE WE CAN GET HIM TO SAY A FEW W~RD~.. (BAND APPIAUDB AND WHISTLES) ~ ATX01 0'1 1609
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~ -~'~ C¸ ~ .... (W~'STERN) THANK YOU, FOLKS, THANK YOU KINDLY .. IT SURE IS A THRILL AND A pLEASURE TO MEET 80 MANY OF MAH FANS. JAO:(: (~:HISP~-~L ~'hat a ham. ~51,10T: AND I'D/LIKE TO ~Y THAT MA~ }~/T PICTURE "QUO VADIS GOES W~ST"...IS GONNA BE ~ BETTER THAN MAH LAST pICTURE, "T~ CACIUS BLOOMS AT MIDNIG~". JACK: He stole that from me. ELLIOT: AND NOW, ERIE~S, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MAH CO-STAB WHO'S EIGHT ~ AT THE TABLE WITH ME.. ,TAKE A BOW, DES~T FAINT. How do you like that, even brought his horse. (BLOWS) Helene, glve me your handkerchief....Th~ks. ANYWAyj YOU FOLKS DIDN'T COME TO HEAR ME TALK ALL NIGNT, SO I JUST WANYA-- JENNY: Pardon me, ~. D~ngerfield, hut vould you please put your autograph on this menu? ~LIOT: • C~tainly, M~SS. (SOUND: SUN S~OT) JENNY : Ths~k you. ELLIOT: SO FOLKS, I JUST WANTA WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY AND PROSP~OUS ~W YEAR. (BA~D SHOI~S HAPpy NEW YEAR...APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES) JACK: Imagine introducing a ha~ like Rodney D~ngerfield...Come on, klds, let's get out of here. MARy: But, Jack, we ordered food. JACK: I don't e&re wh~t we ordered. Let 'era ~ive it to the horse. I'm ~olng home. (SOUND: SCUFFLTNG OF OHAI~S) JACK: MEL: JACK: F//510T : ~L f~ 7 ,-"{0 7 018'~670
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• ~ ~: Jj ~:~ ~ , -~ ~3~f¸~'~ ........ ~V~C~:~. ...... ~ .......... ~ JACK; JACK: Come on, Helene. I wouldnlt stay he~'e for a-- }~RB: LADIFS AND GF~LEMEN, WE HAVE ANOT}~ CELEBRITY W~H US TONIGHT...NONE OTHER THAN THAT VERY FAMOUS STAR, JACK BENNY. JACI[: Well. (PAI.~]~ APPLAUDS Ah~ WHISTLES) M~RY: A~e you gonna stay now, Jack? JACK: Certainl}-..b~natlre you mad about. Sit down, Helene. n LAD~S AND GEN£LEMEN, ~%STER OF CEREMONIES, MY WORTHY COLLEAGUE, ~q. DANGERFIELD...AND-- Why donlt 7ou turn your head?...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR A MOMENT I WAN2 YOU TO FORGET THAT IIM JACK BENNY, THAT SCINTILLATING STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO, AND~TELEVISION. (MUSIC IN SORTLY) JACK: @~-I WANT TO TALK TO YOU AS ONE OF YOUR FRIE~S. I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WISH AIL OF YOU AND YOURS AND EVEF~YBODY ~ 0V~ THE WOBLD GOOD HEAI/fH AND HAPPINESS T~LROUGHOUT T}~ XEAR. ( MUSIS LOUD) JACK: AND NOW, I'D LIK~ TO TELL YOU J~BT A FEW THINGS ABOL~ MY NE~ ~ELEV~S~0N SHOW...MY N~T ~OW IS ~ BE E~ ~Tm TH&N-- (FADE) (zus~c LOUD) (APPLAUSE) JL ~1"~0'! 0181611
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JA~ Ladies and gentlemen, according to th~ National Safg/ Cou~ci~l, the holiday season is an especi2.ll~c~.~tlca1 period so f~raffic accldqDts~are concerned. So, be cal~ef~l if you save ma~ b~ ~'ou~' own. Thank yo~J. ~r, yOU save yo~. DON: Jack will be back in Just a moment, but first -- ' ~[RO'I 0181612
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T}~ JAOK BENNY pROGRAM ' SUNDAY, DECE~E~ 30, 1951 ', CLOSING C 0~9/RC IAL (TAP~ DEOEMBER 19, 1951) -C- ORCH: CHORUS : MARTIN: SHARBUTT: MARTIN: SHARBUTT: MARTIN: SHARBUTT : MARTIN: Be Happy -- Go Lucky~ Get Better Taste today~ (SHORT CLOSE) Lu£ktes taste better~ (STRAIQHT DELIV~y] So mild~ so smooth, so firm and fresh -- with better taste in every puff~ ,~ Yes, friends, Luckies tsste better -- bec~use their fine mild, good-tastlng tobacco goes into the ~igarotte proved the best-~x~de of all five principal brands. Let me repeat that..."proved the best made of all~~! >r&nds~" That's not an empty cl~im -- that's ~ fact -- verified by leading laboratory consultante. For exampl~, Fester D. Snell, of New York City, who report ... "In our o~inion, the p~apertles measured are all important factors affecting the tsste of cigarette amoke, We conclude that L~cky Strike is the best-made of the five major brands." And don't forget -- I~S/~ -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, mild, good-tastlng tobacco. Therets no substitute for fine tobacco -- and don' t let anybody tell you different{ So don't be misled by double-talk. Remember the fKots~ En~oy fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco in the cigarette that tast@9 better -. Lucky Striko~ When you buy cigarettes, remember -- Luckies taste better ~ BS 018~6~3
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• THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAy, 'DECE~ER 30~ 1951 (TAP~ DECEMBER 19, 1951 -D- (' CLOSING COV~Z~O:L~ (CON'rZ~'~n~) OHCm (rO~, VAMP) CHORUS: (BEPRISE) Be Happy -- Go Lucky~ Go Lucky Strike today~ (Lo~} CLOSE) HE ft1 ~01 0181614
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i • JACK: (APPLAUSE & MOBIO) -23- (TAQ) Ladles a~gentlemon, soon it will b~ 195~.*I would llko to wish all of you prospomity and happiness fo~ the eomlnK year. But let us ~ii hold foremost the thought that 1952 will brlnz bette~ understanding b~tweon nations and peace to the world.. }~ppy ~ew yea~, folks. D0~s is Don Wilson rem£udlnz you to listen t~e Strlke...•Cons ou~ nowspa o~ time and station. Stay tuned for the y Show which follows J/n~dlat s beard by OU~A~~~. i BS ~IXOI 0101615

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