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American Tobacco

Radio Continuity, Lucky Strike, Jack Benny, Sept. - Dec., 1954

Date: Sep 1954
Length: 385 pages
ATX01 0019913-ATX01 0020297
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f'~l ~01 00199 13
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............. :.~.:. ,~r~ £,.~ ~i~ •~ ............. f~ I"NO 1 0019914
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x~ I,B.N.1 ~EFI~E~.~-R26, 1954 .~RICAN TOBAC0O COMPANY LUCKY STR.IZE ~E JACK ~NNY PROGRAM 4:00 - ~:~0 PM PDT (TPanso~Lbed - Sept. 2, 1954) FITH01 00"/9915
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SET #i. TH~ AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY "THE JACK BENNY PROGP~24" #i SE~ 26, 1954 7:00-7:30 PM EST OPENING CGMMERCIAL WILSON: 0LLXNS. WITH FULL ORCH. S,O.) WILSON : TBANSORIBaD ) COLLINS : WITH FULL ORCH, B.O. ) SUNDAy T~ JACK BENNY pROGRAM.., transcribed and presented by LUOKY STRIKE ... tha ci~rette that,s toasted to taste bettarl If you want better taste from your ciE-a-rette, StrlkAe is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet. It,s the toasted (CLAP °.. CLA~, CLAP) cig-a-rette They take fine tobacco, it's ~ tobacco, it's mil_~d tobaccos too° Then IT'S TOASTED~ yes, IT'S TOASTED, because tha toasting bring~ the f1~vor riEht through. So, to 8~t better taste from your cig-~-retta, Lucky Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you tb~ best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAp. ..CLAP, CLAP) cig-~-rette! This Is Don W11son. l'd like you to listen to just the l~st part of that song once 8gain° It's the toasted (CLAP°..CIAP~ CLAp) cig-a-rette! RT RT~01 0019916
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r TH~ JACK B~ PROGRAM SET #1 ,: SE~I~mER 26, 1954 F WIL~ON : ( CONT 'D) 0ptlon~l : TRANBORIBED: COLLINS : WITH FULL O H. B.O. ) --2. That's one important reason a Lucky tastes better. It's toasted! The fine tobacco tbet goes into everyLuok~Is toasted to taste better. "IT,S TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- brings Luckies, fine tohscco to its peak of f1~vor -- tones up thiB light, mlld~ nsturaliy good-teBting tobacco to make it taste even better. 01eanerj freshe~ smoothor. That's why we say thi~: if ~ou want real enjoyment from ,your ... make it Lucky Strike. If ~ou w~nt better taste from your clg-~-r~tte, Lucky Strike is the brand to gstl IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet. It's the toasted (CIAP...CIAP, CIAp) cig-a-~tte. RT RTH01 001991F
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. show) (Sept. ~bth Show - Trans. (FIRST ROUTINE) (A~K~ COMMerCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DO~N) DON: THE LUCKY STRIK~ PROGRAM, STAPJ~G JACK B~NY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCI~ST~, D~NIS DAY, B(~ CROSBY, AND '~OURS TRULY~,' DON WILSON. (APFI~SE..MUSIC UF AND DOWN) DON: LADIES A~D G~...WHILE SEPTEMBER IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MONTNS OF T~ yEAR, THERE IS A CI~TAIN SADNESS ABOUT IT...YES, MANY SAD THINGS OCCUR AT THIS TI~8 OF YEAR...CHILDR~I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL..VACATIONS ARE OV1~q AND PEOPLE HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK...THE FLOWERS WIIE, THE LEAVE5 DIE AND JACK B3~NY COMES BACK ON THE AIR.. JACK:}~mn DON: ~ND }~RE HE IS...JACK BENNY (APPLAUSE) JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you...Hello egeln, this is Jack Benny talking . .end Don, I went to discuss that Sept. 2, 195~) -i- introduction with you. I thought you would, Jack...I'm glad ~ou llked it.. JACK. youOh'' .yoUsummer?made that introduction u urself...and it took haven't s llke you have. JACK: Yo \ RT,~01 0019918
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JACK: DON : ~ ~ ..~.~7~. ~. " _ * 11~-~r~.. 111111i I~'~Po/,III" " , Then for heavens sakes, ~what here you sot in could you put on a bathing of a typewriter. Now wait e is the first program of the off with Jokes about my size. i JACK: I~ad you brought up the subJeot of insults, our flual show of the season lest May you introduced me with an insult..and now the first show of the new season you do the same thing. DON: I'm sorry, Jack. JAOK: You should be...And before dropping the subject, let me remind you of the lyrics of that beautiful tune written about this ~artloular month. DON: The September Song? JAOK: Yes...remember, Don.."It's a long, lou@ time..from May to December"...end it seems even longer when yo~ eat~.%~.So watch it, Slenderella Boy...Now this is a new season so we'll let bygones be~ -- BOB: Hi, Jssk..Hi, Don, (APPLAUSE) JACK: Bob, you look wondePful. BOB:D~'~'So do you, Jaok..end you, too, Don. DO~:--~Theuks~.'.Tell me,,~where did you ~ your vacation, ~? BOB: Well Don, I didn't have ~ real vacation,..You see, my television ~ on C.B.S. it's on flv~~was kept very busy. CB ~[~01 0019919
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-3- JACK: Gee, that's awful. , BOB: Ye~%~ but it did have its compensations...I was paid every week, JACK: So you were paid every week...Whet good is that?...A man needs a little relaxatle~..Money isn't eye,thing... You ought to realize that. '~ BOB: Oh, ushemj ~ RUBIN : Yes, sir. BOB: Can you tell me where Mr. Benn~Is broadcasting from, ~ wrong studio. JACK: :io, no, Bob,,.~ou.re not in the ~roug ~t~dim...lt'B ~u~t t?~t I have a new ~rlher and he hasn't gmsspad my character yet....That's all. B~B:~Lkki'~nen he gets "ols first check, he ~ill. JACK: ! guess so... they all do sooner or l~ter. DON: Gee, I feel sorry for you, Bob...worklng a11 summer. ~4Z4Zl BOB: Oh, it wasn't ~ bad, Oon.~..I took every week-aDd off,.. Why, last week-end I had a wonderful time with my brother Bing. JACK: ~r~t did you do? BOB: "~-sll, we did a little mountain climbing....Then we went into the roods end~d..than we enjoyed some wonderful flsbAng in a couple of stree~s and lakes? JACK: Where were you----Yellowstone P~rk? BOB: NO, in Bi~g'~ front ~rd. JACK: Now wait a mlnute, BOb..I know Bing has a big house and grounds, but it's not ~hat big. Aren't you ex~ggeretlng a little? BA ~TM01 0019920 I
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, J, BOB: No, l'm not, Jack...In fact, it's an even money bet tbet f Bing's pl~ce becomes a state before Eawail, JACK: Gee . ry may beve to go to Washington as a Genator.~.~c~ " ~,~w ~c~j,~sit, I $ueas you'~ ~i~ht, Bob,, you c~n have a nice week-ende/LO-~)~ ~ v~catlon Just on ' ".~..,~4-- BOB: Oh su~...It s am~zlng what you c~n do l~two days....Why, a couple of weeks aged I wont w~y up to the High Sierz6s. JACK: You took~ Remley with you? climbing a~o n~ s. naw:~ow cliff &D~Romley sli~d fell ~bout thirty feet to & small ledge, and no one could readh him. JACK: Gosh, that's terrlble...What happened~f1,~~. BOB: Well, finally one of those Saint Bernard does with the brandy around its neck got to him. JAOK: Well, thank goodness. . .where .s Remley now? BOB :~k~t~k) The last I s~w of hlm, ne and the dog were walklng off JACK: W~II, Rsmie~ al~a~s ~ ~n animsl io~er,,, .You ~h~u~d see the tender way he tre~te an old crow...It~s touching .... Why, I remember once when ~-- DENNIB:~elIo, Mr. Benny...hello, everyhody. (APPLAUSE) Gee, It's Eood to see all of you zgain. ~ood seeing ~ Dennis. DENNIS : DON: BA ~T~01 0019927
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V BOB: JACK: -5- I sure missed you~ kid. Yezh...You know, oven though I bate to see our vacations end, th~rels something nicB ~bout all of u8 gettlng together again. ~NNIS:~k~bat.8 ~Ight, MP. Bonny...Hore We ai~o st~Ptl,g a new Ssr~e8. JACK: Yes, sir. DENNIS: Are you looking forward to a good season? JACK: I sure am. IENNIS : So am I. JACK: That.s good. ~NNI.~: In fact, this will be the best season I ever had. JACK : ~ny? E~NNI$: I'm quit ng your show. JACK:~'~Y6~tting the show? ~NNIB : Uh huh. JACK: Don, get me a cbair...l know this is going to lesd into something and I want to he comforteble,.. (SGGND: CHAIR MOVED) ~_L~ / JACK; There we are..Now Dennis.%why are you quitting my show? ~NNIS: I tb&nk a man who is married and has nine children should be in business for himself. JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK : DENNIS : BA Dennis ..... Dennis ..... Look at me. Yes, si~. Denris..do you have nine children? No. Are you married? No. ~T~01 0019922
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-6- JACK: Then why would you say you're leavlng my show because you're r~arried ~nd have nine children? ~NNIS: I did that for your sake. JACK ~ ~ sake ? ~S: I didn't want people to know l'm oulttlng because of the lousy sala~ you ;my me. JACK: %~t? I~NNIS: I grasped your c~r~cter twelve yesrs ago, ~-~ NOW, Wait a minute.~. ~How can you sayl ~yyou ~ bad -a~m~2..It's a dsrne~good ~. ~h~S: ~ben ~ou ~a~ I%\to~o...But ~Ii Of June, July, ~nd JACK:~%6'~::~: :e:::,:t~:1:ou~urlng the s=er...We're off the alr t~ose three months.\\ ~NNIS : We are? JACK I ~ertainly. \ DENNIS: Gee....and every Sund~y I c~me down here and szng ~y heart ~to \ JACK: Well, of gll ~ -- Dent, s, thatls youP own f&ult ...W~;en ~ou came down bere ever~ Sund~y and ~a~ a \ \, completely empty studio, not a soul in It--whet ~id you ---./'-'-,~-~ ~-- ,~--,~ "~--- >. ,z2t~. ~..,..~;~I.~ ,,,,, ¥ a-~'-.~--, ~,,.,-~-< ~ ,.,9,-,-.,.~,u,,c..i. ~ ~ .% a. ~-I~ ~.',--' RTH01 0019923
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C "7- DENNIS : JACK: I thought you weme slipping. Slipping? And It's about time, too. I~NIS: Nobody can last forever... JACK: Now cut that out' ....... Look, Dennis...thls is the start of ~ new seasoN, so llm not going to los~ ~y teml~P, I~N~IS: But I ti~ought .... ~. JAOK.~--~-NO, no,~nis...~llml~..Just sing. (~rm, SONG--) ("~ "~ LOW ~") (AppLAUSE) BA BTHO~ 0019924
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(azcom~ Rowz~z ) -8- JAOK: ~ ThPh~ss~nn~a.wes nnis y ~Inging_ If You Love Me ..... end very good, too.)/%Dennis, I thought your voles sounded beautiful...the tone was superb...the ran~e magnificent. IE~IS: Not had for a kid who's been singing his heart out 811 s~P. JACK: Look, Dennis...~Ou can stop making things up....You didn't come down here ~-~I happen to knm~this summer you did a four week personal ~ppeerenoe st the Sahara in Lss t e en did e xittio ~NNIS:~h.~. I had a lot of fun gambling there. JACK: Dennis, you shouldn't gamble....You don't know the fIP~'i~st~ ' [.: about ,/ I ~u~: Jack; I don't think it makes any differenoe...i'm supposed I i to know a lot shout gsmbling...and yet I lost q~ite a few bucks up in Vegas. ~2 w~re.you JACK: Oh, up there on one of your week-ends, too? yes, I wen~,to the Fl~mingo with e oo~le of musicians. BOB: As a matter of'fact, I went broke ~laying roulette...snd since I didn't heve~e~y money,,i finally put up Senmy the Drummer 8s my bet on Num~be~Seventeen....l lost. JACK: you lost Sammy?...Thst's~Bwf~ / BOB: That's how I felt/6t first...But s~r thinking it over, I was glad I die"t/win. BOB: /~/ orld would I do with thi "~@eded__ F \ I • i RTX01 0019925
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JACK: "9- MARY, MARy: ~ello. J~ok. MARy: Hi, everybody. GANG: ~AD LIB) Hello, Mery. MARY: Whet were you fellows telkln@ 8bout? ~NNI5: Whet ~ big hit I wes in LSS Vegas. JACK: H,mm~. MARy:~-~. Oh ya~.I read where you broke records there. ~ENNIS'.A~ ~'~ ssy....When I left, they even dedlcsted s slot msohlne to me...There,s a slot mechine et the Sshere with n~me on It. MARy.~That s nothing, there,s e slot mechine st the Flemingo with Jack's blood on it. JACK: Blood on it, blood on it...s little out on the wrlst~ you make s big thing out of it...You come in on .the first show'~het,s 8 fine greeting you give me. MARy: I'm sorry, Jsck. JACK: Oh sure...I'ii bet you,re not sorry at ell...You don't see me for months and thor's how you ssy '~ello". MARy: But I e_mm sorry, ~m~k...end to show you I'm slncere...come O~ rc~ here end I'll give you oAkie~. JACK: Well .... ~NNIS: Come on...letls ~t on with the show. JAOK:(5~ulet, Dennis, you're Just Jealous. BR RTH01 0019926
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-i0- ~NNIB : JACK : A man with e wife 8nd nine kids is Jealous? Oh, be qulet...All right, M~ry....get reedy, klss you. I'm reedy, Jack. I'm going to (JACK KISSES~k~ JACK: .... ~ Mary, how was that? MARY: .......... You lost more blood in ~mm~Vegas than I thought. JACK: ~ ...... Msr~p if you're going to keep on like this, I'ii be sorry that ~o~ didn't stay in Plainfield when you visited your family. C~ , . . BOB: ~, Mary.%~u in the east daring the big heat wave they had? MARY: h1% huh.%~.~nd it was really hot. EverybOdy suffered but paps. JACK: ~a~st did your father do? \ MARY:kJk2"Every night he'd fill the bathtub with ice cold beer and A get in it. JACK: But Mary...in a few hours, wouldn't the beer warm up? MARY: Ln a few hours, he didn't care. JACK: I know, but wasn't it kinds messy when he tried to wipe hinself off? MARy: He didn't have to, Rheingold is s dry beer. JACK: Well, I asked her so she told me...You know, Mary, I read one day where it got so hot ~ -- Mary,..Mary what ere you staring at? MA~Y.J~\%nat's the matter with Don Wilson? JACK: What do you mean? BR ~TH01 001992F
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-I1- MARY: Well, Binoe I ca~ in, he's been standlr~ in the ooPner, not saying s thir~, Just sulklng. JACK: Gee, youlre right...(OALLS) DON...OH, DON. DON: (pooTING) Leave me alone. JACK: ~ Don...what's the matter with you...what's ooms over you so suddenly? DON: (MAD THROUGHOUT FOLLOWING SPEECHES) It 'a not suddenly.. som~thlng I've been thinking about for twenty years. JACK: Well, if the~ets so~thID~ w~or~, for heavens sakes, tell me ebout it. DON: All right, I will. . .Every year, when we co~ hack on the air, I start the program off~y introduelng you, and you come on and get 8ppleuse~.then Dennis comes on and gets applause....then Bob Crosby makes en entrance and gets on and applause...then Ms~ comes~J[~ • gets applause., vej_~ Kets aDDIaUse except me..qmil~]l~ not fear. JACK: Well "if ell you went is some 8pplause~we can fix thet...(T0 AtDr~NCE) Folks, how about giving Don Wilson ( AppLA~ ) JACK: There you ere, Don...how ~ss thst? DON: Wonderful, Jack, ~ makes re feel greet. JACK: ~_Good...snd folks I want to thank you for givir~ Don that ~...becsuse never has so little, made so much, so happy, so fss]f'J.~.And now, Don, that your little heart has \ been llghteru~d, would you mlr~ gettlr~ the Sports~n Quartet up to the mlc~ophone for the commercial? BR HTX01 0019928
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DON: (HApPy) Oh, I will, QUABT : }~e4. L. ( AFpm ) ...... -12- I ~ALLS) OH, SpORTSM~' complelnlng, ~e the fellows DON: ,~~ i8 thQ f~et Sh~O~. ~.they thought it would be fitting if they -- _~-2"~° -- (SOU~: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Hold it, Don...hold it. (SOUND: BECEIV~ UP) JACK: Hello? ROCH: }~LO, MR. BENNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER. JACK: @~iio, Rochester, whet is it? HOCH: WELL, I THOUG}~ I OUGHT TO CALL AND TELL YOU,..your TRU~ ARRIVED HO~. My trunk? YE~,TK~ ONE yOU TOOK WITH JACK: HOCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: HOCH : XOU W~N YOU WE pERSONAL APPEARANCE TOUR THIS SUMMER. Oh yes...did you unpeok it? UH H~...AND I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU,., YOi~ VIOLIN IS SMAS~D. .. s~sshed? YES, piay IT for it. \ h JACK: ~Wedl, the express company wil~, BR ~TM01 00?9929
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,d -13- / OH, THEY'LL BE ~I~ TO. f JACK: not only will the express c~ so will the insurance Co,any./// ROCH: WHAT r FF~AN? /I / JACK: Well, don't y~remember../.wh~n/I told my agent I was goi~ to play on se~l appearance tour, he suggested I take out on my violin. j/ NO NO, BOBS~JfHAT WAS On me?jS ~AH, T~ BLI~ CROSS RED CR06S, /- ~YOU ~RE IECLAHED A pOTENTIAL DISASTRR. All right, all right...I'll have it fixed or 8or one...Did ~ou put away everything that was in the tronk?~ ROCH: AIMOST.. ,AND SAy...T~'B A HIGH SIIK HAT IN TH~2~E THAT I SAW ~EFO~. JACK: Oh yes'.be careful with that hat...l bouaht it from s magician who was on the same bill with ~e. ROCH: A MAGICIAN'S HAT? JACK: Yes...I'm going to use it on my television show next Su~ey...He taught re a trick with the hat. I put in two rabbits, end pull out five of them. ROCK: WEIL, HE MLBT HAVE TADGHT THE TRICK TO THE RABBITS, TOO. T FORTY OF TBEM NOW. JACK: Well, I'ii be darned...By the way, Rochester,...How's the program coming over? ROCH: WHAT PROGRAM? JACK: .... Whst program? My program...The one I'm doin8 right nOW, BE ~T~01 0019B30
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ROCK: YO~ PROGRAM ISN'T COMING OVER TKE AIS...I TUR~ THE RADIO ON TO THE STATION A F~ MIN~S AGO AND ALL T~ HAVE IS MUSIC. JACK: Rochester, ere you sure you tuned in to the right station? ROOH: YES, SIR, AND ALL T~ HAV~ IS A M~N PIAYING AN ORGAN. JACK: Well, thst burns me up. ROCH: I KNOW SO~THV'NG THAT'LL BI~N YOU UP EVEN MORE. JACK: What? KOCH: A-~'S GETTING LAUGHS. JACK: Look, Rochoster, I better hang up and check into this... Just be sure and have dlnne~ reedy when I get hom~...By the wsy, whet are we going to here? RGOH: RABBIT, WHAT EISE~ JACK: All right, ell right, goodbye. ROCH: G00000000ODD~BYYY~. (s0%~; KNCEIVER DOWN) (APP~t~) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) DON ack, where are you going? JACK: To see the hesS engineer...there,s something wrong. Our program isn't on the 8it. DON: But Jeck, in honor of your first program of the season, the % Sportsmen Quartet~ p~epared s speciel number, end they're ressy to do it./ I JACK. ~...AII right, Don let them sing it to the studio sudienee...I.ve got to ge. DON: 0kay...(UP) TAEE IT, FELLOWS. BR ATe01 00~9931
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~' QUART: \ VAL DE RI~ VAL DE RA I 'M A HAPPY WA~ WE LOVE TO GO A'WA~ERI~ A~NG THE MOUNTAIN T~AOK AND AS I~E GO WE LOVE TO 8I~ OUR ENApSAcI@ ON OUR BAOK VAL DE RI, VAL DE PA, VAL DE ~A VAL DE FA, HA HA ~ HA HA VAL I~ RI, VAL DE BA OUR ENAPSACK ON O~ ~CK ALL S~%~R LONG WE HAD SUCH FUN UNTIL OUR DOUGH WAS SPENT WE WI~ JAOK TO ~ US SOME THIS SONG IS WHAT ~ SENT VAL DE RI, VAL DE ~A VAL DE RA VAL DE RA NA HA NA HA NA VALI~ RI, VAL DE ~A THIS WIRE HE SENT COLLECT. NOW WE ARE BACK WITH OUR FP~ JACK ON THE RADIO FOR LUOEY ST~ THE SMOEE WE LI~ IT'S TOASTED ~ YOU E~OW LUCKY STRI~, LUCEY STRIEE BETTER TASTE YESJ~U01~ STRIKE TASTES BETTER YOU WILL LIKE, LBMFT LUCEY STRIEE, ~EE A pUFF AND SEE THE TOAST~ CIGAHETTE YES IT'S TOASTED ~0EE LUCKY STPJ~. (APY~USE) -15- RT~O~ 0019932
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F -16- (THIRD ROUTI~) JACK: Gee, I~ why Rochester isn't getting the progr8m. . .~ ~robsbly something wrong wlth m~ redio 8t home...I cen't understend CBS not sending my first progrem out..My second one, I could understend...~ to see the Chlcf englneer..~.0h,-- there,s ,n usber~ I'ii~--'% T / 8sk him...Oh~ usher, usher. / TIE: Why Mr. Benny. ~~JA ~R. KITZEL. JACK: Mr>kKitzel..whet 8re you doing here st the studloAn 8n ART~: ~:~e:'o'~?iunlfcrm?s Is ~ pert-tlme job. I/re to relse s JACK. ~ell, isn't thet n~6e...Whst ~ you wsnt, Mr. Kitzel, 8 boy or s girl?.~ " ART~: Either ~ would he delightful, JACK. Ys~h./" \ / ARTIE: Bu~"unfortunetely it,s my mother~in-isw coming for 8THO~ 0019933
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-17- JACK: Oh...The w~y you pat it I thought you were expectir~ e bundle from hesven. ARTIE: A dle she is, but from heeven, this is doubtful. JACK: ~~ ~d to teke enother Job, I suppose yOU like ~ here e studio. to be sround show people...sctors,~usiciens...end singers...especielly si~rs. /// ~ JACK: Oh~ you like good singing. ~ \ ARTIE: ~efinitely..on this e collect records szld JACK: Reelly.. w~ll, tell . •who's your fevorite ARTYE : Net "Kir~ JACK: No no~ Hr. el..it's Net King Cole...Cole. ARTIE: Cold, ,he'8 reel gone. / JACK: yes: ye/, I know....Well, M~. Kitzel..I've got to AETIE: Whst~ your hurry? / JACK: l~st heard that my radio progrem isn,t going out ~r ~he sir..~raere should I go to check into this? ART~E: ,'This is the chief engineer,s dep~rtment is / / do~msteirs in the eub-bssement. Right ~cse stsirs y • ! there. JAOK, Thenk you..See you egsin Soon~/~'~zel" (APPLAUSE) (TRANSITION MUSIC ) (SCUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS STOP) RT~O? 00199S4
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-18- JACK: This must be Jr..It sgys, "George Foster, Chief Engineer" • .,I'll go in. (SOUND: DOOR 0~) JACK: That must be him in front of ~big electrical penal... Excuse me, ere you the chief engineer? ~L: Duhhh, no I'm his assistant. / JACK: Well,I'm Jack Benny end my radio program isn't going out on the sir. ~L: Who says it ain't? JACK: I says it ain't. ~L: Then maybe it isn't. JACK: Well, why isn't it? ~L: I don't know, but it aren't my fault. I'm not saying it em...~ok, what is the JACK: ~~ress~--for my shoW, not ~eing broadcast. Well..let me look et this control penel~.~. ~vH~, hnmmmmmm~... M~mmum~, bmmmmmm~.~.Oh yesh--~owt~l~Jsee wh~t IS wro~. JACK: What is it? Well, you see, Mr. Benny, when you talk into the microphone, it creates ~ series of electronic impulses which are converted to vlbr~tl~ wave length~ st verylug frequencies which ere instantaneously reconverted by ~ series of trensistors ~t comes.~ere to~h~he m~ster control penel ~ then they p~ss through the superhet~odyne condenser and the volume is then rheoststic~lly controlled. DY RTM01 001993~
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-19- JACK: ..... Oh....Well, l still don't quite understand from your explenstion why ~ program isn't coming out over the sir. ~L: It sin't plugged in. JACK: Are you sure? ~L.(S~'~ertelnly~%see..there's the plug hs~iug loose over there. JACK: Well, for heeve~ sekes, plug it i~. ~L:~I I csn't. JACK: Why not? ~L:~---~ook, Mister..I o~n pick up the plug, I o~n inspect I csn dust ~, I c~n polish ~, but the Union seys only the chief engineer een plu~n.~(~-~. M~L~'~He went out for coffee..he,ll be right beck. JACK: ~-~, I cen't ~sit, I'm going to plug it in myself..I'll ~M~ JLst,.= pull this other ping out mmJ-~- he ~L: u No, no..don't pull thBt one out...thet's one of the most popul~r progresS. Everybody,s listening to it. JACK: Wb~t is it? F~L: Harry Horlick end His A. end p. Gypsies. JACK: Well, of all4aMmWm~@---Thst progrsm hasn,t been on for yeers. ~L: Gee: why dontt somebody come down here end tell me those things? JACK: Now look .... (SOUND: O00 ~T~OI 00~9936
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Y -20- JACK: ve stood for ell ~-- , here comes Mr. MEL: ~,he2 Foster now. JACK: ~--'0~7~..M~. Foster-- ~LSON: Y~SSSSSSS: JACK: Mr. Foster, I'm Jsck Benny. NELSON: Wellll! .... May I shake your hand, ITve already grasped your cheracter. JACK: Never mind that., your eseistant here tells me that my prugrsm is off the air because thet wire isn't plugged in. ~L3O now. JACK: And he told me ~ you're the only one that could do it. ~I~ON: Thst's right. JACK: Well, plug it in, plug it In. ~ISON: I ~ouldn't touch the nssty thing. JACK: You better be cereful..you'll be in lots of trouble when my sponsor learns ebout this. ~L$ON: He knows, it Was his Ides. JACK: N@'~ CUT THAT OUT...If you wonlt plug it in, Itll ~o it myself. ! ! f~T~01 001993?
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~T ~.,. - ~ __~.=r~c~__ ~ . ~t. " T~:~¸ -21- ~f j>/~:# ing my progrsm o~r the1 ROBIN: (FILTER) And thet concludes tonight's Jeck Benny Program. JACK: ~Wo~t ? RUBIN: (FIL~) We wish to thsnk his specisl guests Horlick 8rid his A. end P. Oypsies. JACq<: Well, this is ridiculous. Hs try JACK: ~, ,I'm goi~ homecxJ~-~k~,k %0 ~ DY A[~01 0019938
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#1 T~ JACK B~NY pROGRAM SE~ 26, 195~ CLOSING COMMI~CIAL WILSON : ULL SONG. Jack will be back in just a minute, but first -- the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike...Miss Dorothy Collins : "If you want better t~ste from your clg-~-rette, LuCy Strike is the brand to getJ IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet It's t~ toasted (CL~P...OLAP, OIAP) eis-a-rette' They take fine tobacco, it's ~ tobacco, it's mil_~d tobacco, too Then IT' S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTRD, because the toastinS brings the flavor right through. So, to get better taste from your eig-a-~ette ~ckv Strike iB the brand to get, IT'S TOASTE~ to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (01AP...CIAp, CLAP) cig-a-rette: WILSON : Friends, your enjoyment of a clgeretto is just as simple as that : (SLOWLy, WITH ~4PHASIS ) If you want better taste from your cigarette - Strike is the brand to get, It's toasted to taste better. Naturally, Luckies' better taste begins Just where you'd ~ it to begin. (Morn) RT RT~01 0019939
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SET ~A THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SEI~A~ER 26~ 195~ WILSON : (co r-D) ( TRANSCP/BED COLLINS WITE FULL OROH, B,G.) With fine tobao¢o. I~/~T - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And then -- that tobacco is toasted. "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- tones up Lucktas' natur~lly good-tastlng tobacco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, f~sbar, smoother. So next time ... get better taste. Get Lucky Strike. If you want better taste from your clg-s-r~tte, Lucky Strike is the brgnd to getJ IT'S TOASTED to give you the bast taste yet, It's tbe toasted (CLAP...CLAp, CLAp) cig-a-netta: RT ATHO1 001994-0
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(~: DOOR OP~S) ROCH: WHO'S THAT? JACK: It's only me, RochesteP.. Any mail or phone calls? ROCK: YEAH, MR. FP~NK ~ CALLED. HE WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT HE 'S OP~I~ A~T}~, CIN~)RILL AT T}~ HOLLYWOOD EOOSEVEUf HOTEL 0CTOBER ~m~. JAOK:~,Good, good. I'ii go down and see him. ROCH: MR, REMLEY SAID YOU'D E~JOY IT... }~'S GOT A SPEOIAL ATTRACTION THIS YEAR, JACK:(~k Special attraotloD? KOCH: ~IS VOCALIST IS A ST. ~RD. JACK: Well, what do you know. I,ii sure go down and see that,.. Goodnight, folks. (APPIAUSE & MUSXC) DH ~T~O~ 0019941
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DON: The Jack Benny Show tonight was ~Tltten by Sam Pert±n, Mllt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Taek~berr~, H~l Goldman, A1 Gordon, and produced and tr~nscrlbed by Hilliard Marks. The J~ok Benny Program was brought to~oub~Luek~Strike product of the Amerioan Tobacco Company °.. Amerlc~'s leadlngmanv/acture~of cigarettes, AT~O'I 0019942
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J.B.N.I JACK BENNY RADIO PROGRAM September 26, 1954 (Trans. Sept. 2, 1954) CAST : Me1 Blanc Al~tle Auerbeck Frank Nelson Benny Rub$n (Mary Livlngstone On) (Bob Crosby On) BA RT~O1 0019943
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/,"1.'~; f, I O0 I O~'CI. ~J
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/' PROCm~M 3CRIL~T S SUNDAy~ 00T~ S, AMerICAN TCSAOC0 COMPANY .19oKY STR_______~n~ T~ JAOK BENNY PROGRAM 1954 CBS 4:00 - 4:30 PMPST (Trenscribed - Sept. 4, 1954) 0ABT : JAOK BENNY I~NNIS DAy F/DIE ANIERS0N DON WILSON SEA BE~m~I~T SHIRI~Y MITCHELL YEL BLANC SAM ~ARN MAHLON MERRICK VEOLA VONN \ L BR RT,~01 0019945
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• THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -A- O~ENING COM~Y~RCIAL WILSON: T~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM ... transcribed Bed presented by Luc~ Strike ... the cigarette that's toasted to teste better. (TPANSCR~: If you went better taste from your cig-~-rette, CALypSO VE~ION OF ~ Strike is the brand to get: SONG: m~7 SEO'JIT'B~ TOASTED to give you the best taste yet. It's the toasted (CLAP .., CIAP, CLAP) ci~-a-rette. They take fine tobacco, it's li~ tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then ITIS TOASt, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flevor right through. Be, to get better taste from your ¢ig-~-rette, Luc~ Strike is the brand to get~ IT'S TOAS~ TO give you the best taste yet, It's the toaste~ (CLAp ... CLAPt CLAP) cig-~-rette! WILSON: This is Don Wilson. The son~ you just beard has a~ important messaKe for eve~ who smokes. The sure way to get better t~ste from your cigerette is to make sure you ~et Luo~ ~trike. It's toasted to taste better. Of course the better tsste of a Luck~ begins with fine tobaooo. And then, that fine rebuses is toasted. "ITIS TOAST~" - the famous Luck~ StrIMe process -- tones up this n~t~ally mild, good-tastlng tobaeoo to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher: smoother, ye% a Luek~ tastes better bessuse it's the oiga?ette of fine tob&coo end itls to&ste~ ... to taste better. Be - Be Happy -- Go buck~! DH RT~01 0079946
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THE A~OAN TOBACCO 0(hlPARy 0 S 0MMEHCIAL WtI~ON~ Jack will be bank in just ~ minute, but first here's the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike ... Miss Dorothy Collins! TRANSCRIBED: If you want better taste from Four oig-a-rette, COLLINS WITH A CAPELIA Luc~ Strike is the bPaod to get: VERSION 0F SONG-- 39 SECONDS. IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet It;s the toasted (CIAP ... CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette. WILSON : They take fine tobacco, it's li~tobaqco, it's mil__~d tobacco, too Then IT'S TOAST~, ye% IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So, to get better taste from your clg-a-rette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get~ IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted_ (CIAp .., CIAp, CIAp) cIE-~-rette! Friends, that song gives you the bi~ reason why so many millto~s of smokers always ~sk for Lucky Strike. A Lucky tastes better! It's toasted to taste better. Th~ better taste o£ Lueky Strlke be__~EAp_~wlth flne tobacco. Why sure: LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. B~ there's eve~ more to it tba~ that - Just before it'~ made into Lucky Strike clgarettes, that fine tobacco is toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process -- "IT'S TOAS~D" -- tone8 up LuckiesI mild, natu~lly ~oed-tastzn~ tobacco to make it taste even better ... Gle~ner, ~esher, smoother. (MORE) DH f~THO'I 001994-?
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\ " J 2rid show...(Mention T.V. Show) -I- (Fn~T RouTnm ) (AFTER O0M~mCIAL, MUSIO UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUOK~/ STRIKE pROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MARy LIViNGSTOn, ROO~S~, I~NNIS DAy, BOB CROSBy, AND TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...NDSIC ~P AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GEI~LEMEN, TONIGHT JACK BENNY D~ }{IS FIRST TEIEVISION PROGRAM OF THE SEASON...BI~T, 0F COL~RSE, RE AL50 HAS A RADIO SHOW TO DO. SO IET'S GO BACK AM HOUR AND VISIT JACK IN HIS DRESSING ROOM. }~ IS RELAXING BEFC~E REBEA~L. ~a~. ~ ~ .... JACK: (SINGS) ~IERE'S NO BUSIEESS LEE SHOW BUSI~SS~..DA DA DA DA I~ DAK..DA DA DA DA DE DA.~.~ .When Irv~ Berlin wrote that song, he knew vhst he wes deing)3there's no business llke show business, end I'm sure gled I'm pert of it... Gosh, I'll never forget how I first stsrted...I remember when I msde up my mind to go into veudeville...It wee the lest week in June, end I wss nineteen...l had just gr~dusted and didn't feel llke going on to hlgh school... Ah, whet ~morles those e8~ly vsudeville deys bring beck.. Split week~ .tw~-m-~Broedwey...and The Pslece...I'll never forget who wee on the sere bill with m~ when I first played the Pslsoe...Jimmy Du~ente...Georgle Jessel... Johnnie Wilkes Booth...Then vsudeville b8Esn to be killed off by s new medium..redin...I wonted to go into ~sdie but I wouldn,t try it until I had a sure-fire formuls end chsrscter...Then I hit upon it...I decided to pley the chsraeter of a tight, miserly sk~flint. (MORE) BR 8TH01 0019948
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/ , .2_ JACK: (CONrINI~D) The p~blle gets s million 18ughs out of my stingy eharacter..end so do I when I count the money I ssve ...Yes sI~,...[SINGS) ThePe's no business llke show bush/less, d8 de d8 d8 d8 deh., .Then vhen my madle pro~sm was doln~ all right, I moved out to Hollywood end went into~ movies...The movie business is funny...You ~ake good pictures year after ~eer ~nd nobody thinks enythlng about it..but you mske one stinker and you're through.~.I'm glad I quit before I made s bad one...e ~urse, I take a let of kidding shout "The Horn Blows At Midnight".; .m ~t, I can honestly say I never heerd of more than ten or twelve people who didn't like It...Come to think of it, I never heard of mere than ten people who went ,to see it...and yet there were twelve people wh~d~ llke i~..Oh w~IlT-~~ cen't pleese Bll of the people all of the time..Somstimes I .... (so~: DOSR O~S) ROCH: I'M BACK, BOSS. ROOH: I~, I GOT IT AT THE DRUG BTC~ ACROSS T~ STR~. JACK: Good...Well, we heven't got much time.-.~,come on, shsve me. ROOH: OKAy. (SOUND: WAT~ T~ ON AND RUNNING...FA~ TO B.G.) ROCH: ~ BENNY., BEFORE I SHAVE YOU, I'D LIKE TO ASK Y 8TH01 0019949
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,t f 6 -3- ROCR: N~¢ HOLD yOUR HEAD STILL WHILE I LATF~ YOU UP. JACK: Okay. (SOL~: LATHERING NOISES) JACK: Ssy...(SNI~FS TWICE)...What kind of shaving cream have you got there..it s~lls different fPom th@ bPsnd I usually use. ROCK: OH, IT IS DIF~T..IT'S T~ ~4EST ON THE MARKET..IT O0~TAINS EIGP~N PERCENT LANOLIN...SEVEN PEEOENT ANTISEPTIO..FI~ PERCENT SOAp.° .NINE pERCENT CHLOROPHYLL AND BIXTEE~ PERUENT SM~0FF VODKA. JACK: What's the vodka for? ROCK: THAT SAVe.,5 MONEY O~ TO%~L%...W~N XO~'HE THROUGH SHAVING, YOU J~T ~ IT OFF. JACK~ Gosh, "~h~-~' I%~hlnk of next. Come on~ Rochester, you got my face sll latbBred up...When ere you golng to s~ve me? ROCH: IN JUST ,~ MINUTE...EXCUSE ~. (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEpS,..DDOR 0~NS) ROCH: (CAllS) OH, ~. WIISON...MR. WIISON. DON: (OFF) "What is it, Rochester? ROCH: ItM GOING TO SHAVE Fi~. BENNY N0~. DON: (GFF) OKAy, I~LL TELL THE BO~IS..(~I~S) B%~/FELLOWS, ROC}~ST~R IS GOING TO SHAVE M~. BENNY NOel. (BAND pLAYS "LOOK SHARP MARCH" ...ABOUT FOUR BARS) JACK: ALLRIGHT, ALL RIGBT. ~C~4--~-~-~ (BAND STOm~ JACK: Gosh...since my sr~anSe~ ~Tote that tune, he won't let onyone shove without it...HOW are you doLug, Rochester? BR RTH01 00199~0
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1 I , -4- ~OOH: I'M PRACTICALLY DONE NOW. DON: Oh sey, Jack-~A.msy" I talk to you fo~ 8 minute? JACK: Certainly...whet is it, Don? DON: Can we do the dress rehearsal right sway? I want to see my dentist before the show goes on the sir. JACK: Wait a minute, Don..how come you made a dental appointment on the day of the broadcast? DON: It was sn emergency...Last nlght while I wee watching television, my wife gave me s sandwich, and I broke a tooth when I bit into e bone. JACK: A chicken bone? DON: No, my wife's arm -- she didn't pull it beck fast enough. JACK: Oh, Don...you're joking. DON: (LAID as, I am, Jack..but I did break g tooth... And if I don't have it fixed, I'm afraid I won't be able to do the commercial pPoperly on the program. JACK:~on't let that worry you...The Sportsmen Qu~e~ do it. DON.M~ I know, and they,re across the hell rehearsing with Mahlon Merrick, you? stranger. JACK: Well, come on, I'll go listen to it...I'll be back in ~ few minutes, Rochester. ROCH: BUT B0~S, YOU'VE STILL GOT A LITTLE LAT}~ ON YO~ FACE. Don't worry, I'll get it off before the show...Coma on, DOrt. (SOUND: CCUPLE FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS... ) ( ORHCESTRA TUND~3 UP ) JACK: Hold it, fellows, hold itt~kO~'~-, k~.~,.&'~ ~.,.~ [TUNING UP STOPS) ~C~C~ # JACK: ~,0h, Mehlon. MAHION: Yes, Jack? BR ATe01 0019951
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JACK: MAHIDN: JACK: -5- How ar~ you getting along with the boys in the band, Fine,.,sfter all, we're not exactly stranaers...I've worked wlth them fop years, g I know how to oontPol them. Well, I'm 81~d someone can oontPol them..the way they carry on, drinking and ever~hing. MAHLON:~JsCk, I think you're too herd on them...they're not so bad. JACK: Oh~ they're not...Look st them..Bagby half eslee~n ~4~.LLL ~a~ plane...Rice leanir~ egelrmt his bess fiddle to keep from falling down...end look at kind of en i~strument is that he's trylng to play? MAHLON: Instrument -- that's a stomach pump. JACK: Oh for heaven sskes..well, Mahlon, the reason I'm here is I'm wonderII~ whether you can prepare 8 eo~08roi81 fo~ the Sportsmen to do on today,s program. MAHIDN: Sure..I've got e reel catchy tune right here...Hit it, fellows. (BAND pLAYS "LOOK SHARP" MARCH) JACK: (~RRUPTING) Hold it, fellows..hold it, hold Itm~%~ ~j[ ' (BAND STOPS) JACK: Look, Mshlon,..do you have t~ ~la~ that tune of yours ell ~--~-~--tb~.C wl~--h~8~t~t-to do the oon~ePclal on today's pro~Tsm...now can you have sommthi~ ready by air time? MARION: Oh sure, Jsok...~aot, we have one he~e, end It's ell about you end your bi~ blue eyes. MABLON: Oksy...take it, fellows. BR RT~01 00~9952
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f QUART: BLUF ~YFS SMILING AT BE NOTHIN' ~UT BLUE EYES DOI~ BLUE ~-~S ~ ARE SAD, ~V~R SAD h~'S 39 BUT WE CALL HIM DAD ~R SAW A MAN ALWAYS S0 GAY ~XC~PT ON TFZ DAy ~ WE ~T OUR PAY WREN RE TAmS A SWIM ~ GIRL.S ALL SCREEC~ CAUSE HIS BL00~RE ~ACH CLEAR DOWN TO TBE ~ACH BUT YDU KNOW WEtV~ FOUND MAPpIBESS WOR~BE ~ BL~ E~S ON 6WS ALL ~ LIKF LUOKTES YDU KN0W ~" '~ ~,-.,:, x~p-.. ~-.. [~'*~ ~ "r TA~ A TIP FROM L-.._J ....... /, I, ~CJc~ ". LU0KIRS Wh~REVaR YOU GO ~(.kq]r.~2. BE~R TASTING, TOO FII~ TOBACCO ~OUGH AND THROUGH ~OC~a'. LUCK.S ABE TOASTED, IT'S TRITE <L~ ~ WH~N YOU START TO FJFF YOU WTLL LIBE IT SURE ENOUGH ,C~,.%'. II]~ 'RE~TER, TOO ~o LUCKI~S ARE MA~ OF FINE TOBAOm -6- BR (~o~) ATH01 0019953
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= i = ~r S ~o~.LUCKY STRIKES ARE M~I~ BETT~R BY FAR NO OTHER BRAND IS ON A PAR ~VE~RYO~ AGeS TE~0UGHOUT TH~ LAND LUCKIES ABE BFST, TH8 FAVGRITS BRAND SO B.U~ ~S THEy LIGHT UP WP~,N WE SAy LUCKY STRIEE SO LIGHT UP A LUCKY THE SMO~ YOU'LL I~KE. (APPLAUd) -7- BR RTH01 0019954
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! r~ -3- (SECOND ~UTINE ) JACK: nks very much, fellows... And I SUM appreciate your dedicating that song to me. Now, Mahlon, I'm going back to my drsssing room and see if D~nnis has come in yet...Then we can get on with the---~m~_~ st~ the lather off m_~ face '. ~ .For heaven's sakes... Now wait for me, fellows, (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS....DOOR 0Pv~NS & 0LGSES) JACK: (SINGS OV~ FOOTBTEPS) There.s no business like show business... D~ da da da da da. (SOUND: LIO~ BUMP) JACK: Oh, I beg your p~rdon. I'm sorry I bumped into you. N: That's all---OH, ~I YA, RUBE. Well, it's my farmer friend from you here at the studio? }~ARN: I on a new quiz program. It Or Milk JACK : ~ARN: JACK: ~ARN: It. Oh. But It ain't the couple of months ago on the farm, I'll b~t Nope, Hee Hee I got it. been on radio... A told me she,d llke a Bendix and home wlth me. your wife the wrong Bendix-- Get it? wanted William. JACK:I goMI got t, }~ARN: /ain't the first sucker who fell for that one, Rub~ / /// Rr~01 0019955
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-9- ~}~..Well, what did you win on the quiz program today? A trlpto ~wall...Boy, l'm sure look~ng forward to Hu1~ Dancers in them g~ss didn't want to go till the end of SHIRLEY: SEA: SHIRLEY: SEA: BOCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ... Well, I'd beSter run you a~in. Say, Msble? Wh~t is it, Gertrade? Mr. Benny,s line i~ fleshlng. Yesh..l wonder what the Egyptian wants now. I,ll plug in 8nd find out. (SOUND: pLUG IN) BH ~T~01 0079956
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-10- BEA: Yes, Mr. Benny....Okay, I'll rlng Dennis,s house..What,s that?....Oh, I 'm sorry, but I have another date tonight. ...I know we'll have a hot time, but I Just c~n't. (S~D: P~G o~) SHIRLEY: Did he ask you for a date, GePtrude? Not exactly...He wanted me to come over to his house and help him finish the ironing ..... Well, I bettor try ~nd get him Dennis Day's house. (SOUND: PLUG IN..DIALLING SEVERAL TIMES) SHIRLEY: You know, it's always b~r~ getting hack to work after a vacation. BEA:~-~, You said it, Mable...And gee, I had such m wonder, u1 time at Catalina..I became an expert skin diver. SHIRI~Y: Skin diving? Isn't that the sport vber~ you Rut on an oxygen tank and see how far 0own in the ocean you can go? BEA: Yeah, and you also have to put fins on your feet. SHIRLEY: .... You needed fins? BEA: Well, look who's teiklng.kthe girl who get twenty dollars an hour for c~shinE gr~pes. SHIRLEY: I'm sorry..no offense was intended...Is that skin diving as exciting as people say it is? BEA: Yeah..you never can tell w~t will happen..Once I was down on the ocean floor, and a g~at big octopus came up behind me and wrapped all of it's eight arms around me. SHIRI~Y: Gosh, were you scared? BEA: No, I felt llke I had a date with the Sportsmen Quartet... ~-~, YOU know, Mable ~'~ - - - (SOUND: BUZ~S TWICE) BH ~TH01 001995?
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-ll- ~A: ~m..Mr. Benny is so Impetient. (souND: PLUG ZN) SEA: There's no answer et Dennis Day,s house, Mr. Benny...what? ...But Mr. Benny, I told you before I couldn't come tonight...Huh?...I don't esre if it is Robert Taylor's shorts, I got a d~te...Goodbye. (SOUND: E~CEIVER DOWN) JACK: Gee, that Gertr~de,s &cting independent 1~tely. ROCH: DID THE OPEBATOR REACH DENNIS DAY? JACK: No, there was no ~nswer at his house...He,ll prebably show up soon. Say, Rochester, I gave you the night off.. If you wsnt,~u can leave now. ROCH: I CHANGED MY MIND, BOSS...I'M NOT GOING OUT. JACK: But I thOUght that yOU and your friend Roy were ~Ing to the movies? ROCH: Y~2~JT NOW HE DOESN,T WA~T TO..HE TOLD ME HE DECIDED TO PIAy PENNY ANT~ INSTEAD. JACK: Well, that doesn't sound very exciting. ROCK: YOU OUGHT TO SHE ANTE~ JACK: Oh, oh, oh...Well, anyway Rochester, if you w~nt to leave you ~mR -- DENNIS :~ Hello, Mr. Benny. JACK: Oh, DenniS. I was just trying to get you on the phone: HENNIS:(~,Am I late? JACK: Not exsctly..but I did want to get the rehearsal started a little earlier than usual. BH RT~01 0019958
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f- -12- I~NNIS~I ~st~rted out for the studio early..but on the w~y he~ I sa~ople fighting and I tried to stop them~ .I got ~ in the ~ye %~ic~. JACK: JACK: ~I8 :~ mQther JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : Well, that's your own fault, Dennis..You shouldn't here tried to ~top them from fighting.. ,It were ~one of your business. Yea, it wa~..they we~ m~ matbe~ and father~ ~..~.I/oat c~ussd the argument this time? was mad at my father. Why, wb~t heppened? They moved away ~gain, and my fat~er told me where. Dennis, I canft understand why your mother keeps trying to lose you...After 811, she is your mother. You wouldn't dare ~ sey thet to her face. JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK : NO, I guess understand...For fifteen snd f That's Well~ let me ask a Woman ? He b~sn't yet. Oh. thers's one thing I don't you've been telli~ fighting. DENNIS : JACK : 'i such 8 glass Jaw that sometimes he -- Dennis l'a like to discuss the pugillsti¢ prociivlties of yor p~rents, I think we should~ into tb2 ~tudio ~n~ start the r~he&r~al. BH ~TAO~ 00?9959
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,,.~,~a.... ...... , ,~ ~!-~ ~m-~ ~-~!~ 3, , ._ I I'{ r i;~i] I Ill f DENNIS : 0kay. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) JACK: Hold it, fellows, hold it..~re going to b~ve our / - ~a~a'~ now; .bU~ bero~---~e ~o, ~n~8 ~nt~ to.,~bls JACK. Yes, you do...No { ~a-~_i~-- Vvo\~J ok- - BH ~T~01 0019960
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,, (Tm~RD ROt~I~E) -ih- {: JACK: ,rr"-- ..... _=.:: :; - .... ~t's get on wlth the rahearss1,,,a~d we may as yell start with the sketch. ~F~NNIS:~sWhat is the sketch we,re~ JACK= Well, we'~ ~o~ng to do ou~ version of that speeta~ul~ /rweutleth Centu~/~ox Oinem~seope PrMuetlon, "Galen Of ~ll",}~f~H'st~r~ Gary CoopeP, Susan Ha>ward, aM Rieh~a~ Wi~ark.....Now I will pl~y the Gary C~o~r ~t, which is the lesdlng role. DENNIS : Nathrally. . J JACK: Yes, nat~'t1~T~.bo~, tet~ehearse It...set the acene. DON: Okay...A little mood. music, M~on.~. (BAND ~LAYS "LOOK SHARp" SLOW) JACK: Mahlon...Mahlon...Mahlon... JACK: Welre goin~ to Mexico, not Madison Square Garden... Now do what Don Wilson sald or hetll bite yOtL~ arm... Go aheM. (MOOD MUSIC PLAYS BAOK OF DON,S S~CH) DON: ~ T~ MID~I~ OF T}~ i~ CENTURY, HOARDS OF AM~IOANS M0WD ON TO CALIFORNIA B~"KI~D GOLD...OUR PLAy CONCERNS TWO MEN, WHO ~ ~i~ FOR T~ GOID F~ BY DOAT, BiT~ WERE SLOWN OFF THEIR COURSE A~D LA~DED ON T~ COAST OF iO~ MEXICO. (MUSIC UP TO ORESCNNDO...T}~N Obj.) F~T~o'~ 0019961
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JACK: ]~Y..A: JACK: JACK: ~FA: JACK: SEA: JACK: ]~EA: JACK: B~A: JACK: ~EA: -15- (FILTER) MAH ~ IS SLIM COOPPE...MAH FRIEED, WILSON WIDMARK A~D I L~ ON TPE COAST OF MEXICO AI~ FOR TWO LONG HUNGRY DAYS WE W~ SEAROB_I~D FOR B~SNS OF CIVI~IZATION...FINALLy WE CA~ ACROSS A SL~PY LI~LE TOWN C~ (SNORE)...LATER THIS NAME WAS CHANGED TO SONORA, ~XICO..~ TOWN S~MED D~, B~T I FINALLy TOOK A CHANCE A~D ~I0~ ON A DOOR. (SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR...PAUBE...THEN CRE~ DOOR OPENS) Buenos dies, eeno~. (REG. MII~) May we come in? 8enor, thees ees a very secret place. Secret? Yes..thees ees He~nandols Hideaway. Oh....Tell me..are you Hernando? No, Hernando is the cook here. 0ook?~h..then this is a r%st~urant..What do you have to eat? We serve Chili con came, frijoles, tacos, ~acamole, tortillas, and mahtzo ball soup. Mahtzo ball soup? Hernando is only his first name. b~mm.,,.Well, we might as well eat here....Come on, Wilson, Right thees way to thee, table. (SOUND: COUPLE F00TSTEPS.~CJ~IRS SCUFFLING AS ATH01 0019962
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-16- JACK: Say..look at the menu~athey~ got everything on it... ! ~ Are you hungry, Wilson? starved I oou~ eat a horse. DON: Hungry? I'm sok ~A~ ~J~ ~J~,~ JACK: Don't you get ~~q~'ng e~ery ay?..Say, ~'-~ IJve been looking at our waltress..she,s kinda cute... I'm ~oing to try to date her up. (UP) Hey, Senorlta. ~A: Si, Senior? JACK: How about a date tonight? B~A: I cannot go out with you, Senor, I am marrled... The bartender over there is my husband. JACK: Your husband, oh? C~O~ ot.~.a c~ ~ ~ ~. (SOUND: ABO~ SIX FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Say, are you the bartender? ~L: Si. JACK: And you're married? MEL: Si. JACK: To that ~over there? MEL: Si. JACK: What,s your name? MEL: Cy. JACK: CF? ~L: Si. JACK: Have you any children? MEL: Seex. JACK: Seex? What are their names? MEL: Sol, S1d, Sade, Sam, Sal, and Junior. JACK: Junior?AThat must be Cy. ATe01 ~19963
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-17~ JACK: MEL: Sue, JACK: Sue? SEA: 8i. SI. f Wel~t~~Ife Is name? JACK: Well, she's a very nioe~ and --. >~ c4,% DON: (OFF..OALLS) Hey, Slim, the fond ~ here. JACK: Okay, I'm coming. (SOU#D: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS..SITTING DOWN) JACK. ~ looks good, _, ~ I~ DON: Yes, but it needs salt, end there41 none on the Sable. SEA: (SLIO~T,y OFF) SI? JACK: Salt. ~EA: St.. (CALLS) ~? MEL: (OFF) si? HEA: Salt. ~L: Si.. (CALLS) Sol! JACK: Never mi~d!.we,ll eet it without salt. JACK: (FILTER) WILSON A~ I START~ EATING OUR FOOD IN T~ OPP~zS~IVE~._I~AT,.~ OF THE LITTLE RESTAURANT, W~N SUI~E~LY T~IDOOR 0~ A~D S__}~}~ W~ IN..SHE WAS ~ZAL~UL.. FAIH OF FACE, A~D SHE HAD A GORGEOUS FIGURE..SHE LOOEED LIKE SOMETHING 0DT OF ESQUII~..ABOUT JULy..I GOT UP FROM MY TABLE AND WALE~D ACROSS THE ROOM TO }~R. (SOL@D: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ON WOOE~N FLOOR GO ON AND ON A~D ON AND ON..A~D STOP ON JACK'S CUE) ~TH01 001996~
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JACK: (~) -~-8- IT WAS ~ A SMALL ROOM BUT THIS PICTURE VEOLA: JACK: VEOL'~: JACK: VEOLA: JACK: VEOLA: JACK: VEOLA: JACK: VEOLA: JACK: WAS IN CI~CO~.•.S}~ BEGAN TO SPEAK. Someone please help me, please• (REG. MINE) I'll help you, Ma,am..what is it? It,s taken me a Long time to get here...l walked for over five days...over mountains..across rlvers..through the hot desert..I was even captured by Indians. No. Yes. •they held me captive for a while, but when I gave them a handful of beads and a cheap neck~aee they let me go. Stupid Indians...What is it you want? I need a man to go back with me to where ! came from• • I need help back there urgently. But Miss..thatls a dangerous trip. I ~now.,so I'm offering a thousand dollars in gold to any man who'll come with me. •..Well... (OOMPh"f) Or, if you prefer...I,ll give you a great big kiss instead. (FII/fER) THIS WAS A CHALLANGE TO MY MANHOOD..I DID WHAT ANY 0T~S~R ~-BLOOD~D MAN WOULD DO • WE ~ AFTER I I~2POS~ THE MONEY IN THE BANK...AS WE ~HAVEI~ THROUGH THE DANG~OUB COUNTRY, SHE TOLD ME TEE W~DLE STORY..SHE A~ }~ }~/SBAND WE~ WORKING A GOLD MINE WHICH COLLAPSe. HER HUSBAkD WAS TRAP~ AND SHE COULDN'T GET HIM OUT }~RSELF. SHE LEFT HIM FOOD AND WATER AND WE~T LOOKING FOR ~LP..W}~N WE ~AC~ THE MI~, HE WAS STILL ALIVE..I SPOE~ TO M~4. ~T~O~ 0O'/9965
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JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS: -~9- Gee, Pardner, I feel ~orry for you•..you must have gone through a tereible ordeal. (BUILDING UP DRAMATICALLY) It was awful..terrible.. eight long days and nlghts being trapped in here alone.. I didn't mind the pain from my broken leg so much, but it was the loneliness I couldn't stand...TF~ TERRIBLE, FR~Gh~IKNI~G LONELINESS..DAy AFTER DAY, NIGHP ~ NIG}~ •..NO ONE TO LOOK AT, TO TALK TO..JUST ~ING ALOe, ALONE: ALONE...A~D THIS MORNING A BIG RAT~LESNAI~ o~AWL~D IN Oh, my goodness, what did you do? I taught him to play gin rmumy. TKL-- JACK: dt of Ill dig you out. DENNIS: Not right now, I want to finish this game...GIN| (SOU~D: QUICK BURST OF RATTLING FROM SNAKE) DENNIS: 0uch~ Boy, yhat a sore loser• JA~K~--~ The snake bit you! VEOLA: Oh, do something, do something. DENNIS: No, itls too late...l'm goin~ fast...Darling, kiss me goodbye. VEOLA : Yes, dear. (~-~0LA ANO DENNIS KISS, BO~ NOT TOO LONG) ~TH01 0019966
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f ,~ ~ + ~ , ~--t~%~u~ ~ n - , i IENNIS: -20 - IrL, L, ~ I __.-'-- u ...... ) Ooh, do I hate to go.,..eve~thtng is turning black .... KtBS me again. (VEOIJ++ KTSSES DENNIS LONmm) (_., <~ JACK: LOok, d~e alPeady....Hm....A%Id i~haddg take the leading ~ole. What a jerk I was. DEiT~IS : Nsturally. JACK: (FILTER) A NEW MINL~ LAT~ HE PASS~ 0~...IT WAS TH~ THAT HIS WIFE SAID THAT SHE HAD FALLE~ IN LOVE WITH ~, SO WE GOT MA~...WHAT A SNEAKY WAY FOR PI~ TO GET H~q THOUSAND DOL~ BACK..,..TRULY THIS IS A GAP~EN OF EVIL. (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) 8TK01 0019967
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-21- ( A IONAL) JACK: Ladle8 and gentlemen, IIIi be back in a minute to tell you about my television program which goes on i~medletely after this show....but first, here,s the sweetheart of Lucky Strike, Miss Dorothy Collins. (PACIFIC COASr ) JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my television program which goes on at 7 P~ tonight over the CBS Television Network .... but first, here,s the sweetheart of Luok-y Strike, Miss Dorothy Collins. RTM01 0019968
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f M AI'.~OAN TOBACCO COMPANY T~ JACK ~ PROGRAM i~2 0CT0~E~ 3, z954 CLOSING C0~ERCIAL (CONT 'D) -C- WILSON: (C0NT,D) That's the Lucky Strike story, pure ~od simple ... &rid why you'll enjoy them. A Lucky testes better because it's tee cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted to taste better. So, get ~ c~ton Of bettev-tastlog Luok~ Strlke! DH RTH01 0019969
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AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY T~ JACK BENNY pROGRAM 0GTOBER 3, 195~ #2 0ptioDaI : TRaNSCRIbeD: COLLINS WITH A CAPELIA VERSION OF SOnG -D- If you want better taste from yo~ cig-a-~ette, tr~ is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give yo~ the best teste yet It's the toasted (ClAp ... CLAp, CLAP) cig-s-rette. DH ~TH01 0019970
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JACK: -22 - Ladies and gentlemen, as I mentlo6ed before, tonight l,m doing my first television show of the season...And this year I,ll be on TV every other week.., and, of course, radio every week... Gee, what herd work... If I didn't stay thirty-nine, I,d never be able to take it... Goednight, fo~ks, I'm a ~ittle old -- I mean a little late. (API AU MUSIC) DON: The Jack Benny Progeam tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, John Taokaberry, A1 Gordon, Hzl Goldman, and produced and transuribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny Pro@ram is brought to you by Lucky Strike, ~oduct of the American Tobacco Company -- Amerlca's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. ~T~01 00t99F1
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SUNDAy~ AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM OCTOBE~ i0~ 1954 CBB 4:00 - ~:30 PM PST (Transcribed - S~ptember 27, 1953) CAST: JACK BENNY MANY LIVINGSTONE I~NNIS DAy EDDIE AND~ON DON WILEON BOB CROSBy IRIS ADRIAN SAM ~ARN BLANC HY AV~RBACK S PORTSM~N QUARTET ATe01 00199?2
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-A-- TI~ AA~RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY OPENING QOM~RCIAL ~TIL~CN~ (TRA~CRII~D COLLI~G: WITH A CA PF~LLA BAC~R~JND) WILSON: DY JACK BENNY PEOGRAM ... trsnscrlbed snd presented by Lucky Strike, the clgsrette thet,s tossted to tsste better: "If you wa~t better ts~te from youP clg-~-rette, ~c~ Strike is the brand to getl IT'S TOAS~D to glve you the best teste yet, It's the tossted (CLAP ... CIAP, CLAP) clg-s-rette. T~y take f1~ tobacco, it's liaht tobecco, it's mil dd tobsoco, to0 Tb.en ITIS TOASTED, yes IT'S TOASTHD, because the to~s~Ing brings the fl~vor right through. So, to ~t bette~ tsst~ from your clg-~-rette, Strike is the brsnd to get! IT'S TOASTED ~o give you the best teste yet, It's the to~s~e~ (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) ci~-s-rette' This Is Don Wilson. As cigarette smo~er~, you ~nd I know the most important siugl~ thing e~ cigarette c~n offer Is t~ste -- better tsst~. An~ -~s msny millions of Lucky smokers will tell you -- Luckies t~ste bett~r. You know why? Becsuse "IT'S TOASTED": yes, IT'S TOAS~D to t~ste better. Luckies' bette~ t~st~ ~ctu~lly ~ with the fine tobacco that goe~ luto every Lucky Strike. IS/MFT, Lucky Strike m~sns fine tobacco. And then, thst fine tobacco i8 toasted. IT'S TOASTED! (MO~) BTH01 00~99?3
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T~ A~RICAN TC~CC0 COMPANY -B- ~ JACK ~NHY PROGRAM #3 00TC~R i0, 1954. OI~NINS O0~EROIAL (CONT'D) W ON: OPTIONAL: Tbst's the fsmous Lucky Strike process that tones up Luckies' nsturslly mild, good tasting tobsooo - brings it to its peak of flavor -- nmkes it tsste even hatter. Cleaner, fT~shar, SMoother. SO, for hatter tast~ In you~ cigarette, Be Happy -- Go Luc~: Buy a ce~ton of better testing Lucky Strike' (TRA~ORI~D C OLi~ k~ : WITH A CA~LLA BAOEGROUND) "If you w~nt better tsste from your cig-s-rette, ~_~ Strike is the brsnd to get: IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the tosste4 (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) clg-e-rette. DY ATM01 00799F4
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(FIRST RGOTINE ) (AFTmR CG@~CIAL, MUSIO UP AND DOWN) DON: --1-- THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK B~TNY° .WITH MARY LIVINGSTOn, ROCHESTER, DENNIS ~Ay, BOB CROSBY, AND "y0~S TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GER~'LEMEN...EVerY SATURDAy MORNING AFTER PS~AL TNE JACK BENNY CAST USUALLY DROPS INtO THE CORNER I~RUGSTORE F~R A LIGP~ LUNCH, AS T~ SCENE OPENS, ALL OF US, WITH TP~ EXCEPTION OF JACK HA~ J~ST E~T~ED TNE DRUG STORE. (SOUND: E~UG STORE AND LUNCNE0h~TTE NOISES UP... FADE TO B,G,.) DON: Hey, we.re lucky, fello~s...It isn't crowded at sll. ~IS: yeah...~e can have our regalar table. BOB: Well, let's sit down. (SOUND: SCUFFLING OF CHAIRS) MARY: Hey, Jack must have finished his business at the studio., he.s standlng on the corner on the other side of the street. LON: I ~onder what the private business was he had to take care of? MARY~J~jHe ~Tent up to see H~. Acke~n, the Vice President of C.B.S..,Thls is the day Jack Is gXvln~ the network his ultimatum? BOB: ~-~IWhat ultimatum~ MARY: Either C.BoS. gives him free p&rking or hers going back to N.B.C. MG J~ ~F~01 00199?5
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-2- IENNIS: See, that,ll never work. Be:t0dSu not? I~INIS: That's why he left R.B.C. in the first pl~oo. MARy: That,s might. (SCUND: DOOR OPENS OFF WITH TINKLY B~uL...%[E HEAR OFF TRAF91C NOISES...DOOR CLOSES... SOUND cu~) DON:M, HERE WE ARE JACK- JACK: (OFR) 0kay.~.sor~ I took so long, (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS...STOP) JACK: What did you---what did you kids order? BOB: O~, Notbln~,.we were waitlng for you. JACK: Oh,.--~u~i,l~oall the w~it~ess...(SW~Y) Oh, Miss, ~k[s s. IRIS: WHAD~A YA WANT, MAC' JACK: We'd llke to o~e~ some fond...do you have a menu? iRiS : yeah.., here. JACK: Thanks...now let me see...Hey, wait a minute..this is a menu from the Brown Derby. i~S: I know, the stuff on ou~s would turn your stomach. JACK: H~m. BOB: Say, look, Miss...all I want is tan egg sandwich and a glass of milk. MA~Y: I'll have the same. IRIS : Okay.. DON: Now, Miss, ~'-~ - - - IRIS: ~, (~at do you want, Talon Bo~? BTH07 0019926
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-3- (MAD) Now wait a minute, ~ss...mayhe I h~ve to teke those kind of insults when I,m on the radio...but I don,t have to take them from you. Gee, I,m so~y, Mac...I didn, t know you wns ~ensltive. Well. I am...you don, t here to presume I,m not sensitive Just because I,m a big fat slob. Don...control yourself,. All right..Now Miss, I,d like to order...all I want is a bowl of vegetable soup. Okay, Dennis, Dennis...what, n you have? Let me see...Miss, do you have any vicysolsss? No. Well, do you ~ve ~ny esoargots sauts en vin rose? No. Well, how ~bout shlsbkebob ~nd k~eplsDh? NO. Dennis, this is only a drugstore. ~q~y a~e you o~de~Ir~ things like that? I want her to know I.ve been smound. Stop being silly ~ Order somethlng you'd get in a drug sto~e. Okay-- I'll have ~ ohicken sa~dwioh. With m~yonnaise? No. toothpaste. Now cut that out...Miss, just bring him ~ chicken k~J sandwich. That,s all.12~Go gst the food. DON: IRIS: DON: JACK: DON: IRIS : JACK: ~NNIS : IRIS : DENNIS : IRIS : DENNIS : IRIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: IRIS: DENNIS: JACK: MG ~'I'HO "/ 00199??
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IRIS: JACK: / JACK: MARY: DON: MARy{~t~!why don,t you play it, Dennis? DE~@~IS: I can,t...l haven, t got ~ nickel. JACK: Has anybody got a nickel? BOB:~,I haven, t• DON: MARy: JACK: JACK: OKAY, MACI I,LL BE BACK IN A FLASH WITH TK~ TRASH. Never mind, just go get it. (SOUND: ~PARTING FOOTSTEPS) --L.dm ~ • • •You kno~'s hard to believe that she used to de the com~erclals on the Lady Estha~, Program..,Now look, Dennis, when we do the show -- wait a--,mmm, where did Dennis go? I don, t know. Oh, there he is, over by the Juke Box, (OFF) Hey look, they,ve got one of my ~eoo~ds here. ...Neither have I. All I have is a dime. I can change it. • •.Jack Benny, I ought to -- Allrlght, all right..Here,s the nickel, Dennis..oatCho (SOUND: NIC~ IN SLOT..MECH~NISN STARTS) 'rSOBRE~;TO--May 9, 195t&) MS RT~01 00199F8
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-5- (gEOOND ROUTINE) MARY: JACK: Gee, that WeB beautiful. It sure was..(UP) Say Dennis, will you look in the juke box ~ see if there ere any --- ~.~ow where did that kid go? DON: I don't know....he disappeared while his record was ow%. JACK: Ch~ MARY: Say Bob, I~ve hsen meaning to tell you how much I enjoy yeur C~B~S. television show~ DON:Ok, Me, too,~O~o. JAO~Same here, ~..You know, Bob, I ~atch your shows avery afternoon and they're very good. B0B .4,0~I ,Thanks, Jack. JACK: BOB: But I have a little suggestion...you know, Just a little constructive critlclsm..I thought that if you got a comedy guest star occasionally, you'd get--no really, you'd get more laughs on the program. But Jack, we don't go,for guest stars..mine is sort of a homey show. JACK:qWd%Bob, homey show or not homey, I still think it's s big t llft to have a guest stam come In..parthaularly a comedian. BOB:kt~A~ybe so, but gee, we don't have much money in the budget. Well..how nmch -- how much csn you pay for a guest star? W~II, about fifteen bucks. For fifteen bucks Jack can be holy. Certalnly...I know a lot of reclpes...Anywsy, Bob It's a very good show aod --- JACK: BOB: MARY: JACK: BA RTH01 00?9979
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D~IS: (oo~G IN) al~eady? ( -6- Hey, did the rest of you flnlah eating JACK: Yes, Dennls, where were you? DENNIS: Well, I thought ss long as we were in a drug store, I'd weigh myself. JACK: 0h. D~NNIS: I weigh s hundred and forty pounds, stripped. JACK: Stripped? D]~NI$: I took the welghlng machine into the phone booth, JACK: Look, Dennis ,.. D~VNIS: And when I put in ~ penny, a little c~rd came out. BOB:MA~.~at did it say? DENNIS: "Put on your pants, kid s lady wants to use the phone." JACK: Denni~stop el~eady, will you..stop being silly. DO~:C~kiHe's not being silly, Jaek..sometlmes those things Just happen by colnci~ence. JACK: Oh sure, sure. ~, ~hat's the truth. Once I put a penmy in e scsle and you ought to see the cerd tha~ csme out. JACK.Q~jWhat did it say? DON: "Get off , you'~e hurting me." JACK: Well, that I believe..Thst could happen. IRIS: i hate to break up this round-teble dlscussion, but ~iii there be anythln~ else? MARY: ?lot for me,.snyone want anything? DON: Not me. BOB:~OQ~II'vehad enough. J IRIS: 0kay..here's the cheek. BA k .~ 11 F~THO 1 0019980
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4. -7- BOB:~k I'ii take it, Miss. DON:~ No no, Bob.. let me pay it, it's my turn today. DENNIS: Wait s minute, Don, you psld last tlme..I,ll pay today. DON: No no..Bob ~sld last ttme.%It s my turn. ,,~, BOB: No, Do~you.re wrong...Dennis pald%Isst tlme..anc~It's m~ turn. MARY: Oh, for heaven's sakes, fello~s...let's all go Dutch. JACK: )~ry, it's their argument, keep out of it .... ~oesn't concer~ yOU, yOU know, IRIS: Hey, Blue Eyes, how come you never pay a check, did you take a pledge or something? JACK: For your information, Miss, it just so happens that the last time I picked up the cheek. IRIS: You ~d to, you were alone. JACK: That has nothing to do with it. BOB: QL~ Miss, It11 pay It.,Here...keep the change. IRIS: Thanks. DON:I've got a car outside..snyb~y want s llft? DE~NIS:~,Not me..it's such a nice day, I'm genus ~alk. BOB:~j Say Don, I've got to go over and see my brother about somethlng..and say, you pass Bing's house on your ~ey home, don't you? DON: Yes, Bob. BOB: Well, }1ould you mind dropplngme off et his gate? DON: Look, I'll drive you right up to his door. BOB: No, no, just drop me at the gate, I'll take a bus the rest of the way. BA RTH01 00199t~1
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JACK: b Gee, he must -- he must have s big placej~ ~. (SOU~: TINKLY BELL RINGS A5 DOOR 0PEGS,, WE NOW ~ TRAFFIC NOISES..FO~TEPS... B.c,) BOB: Well, so long, Ma~y..so long, Jack. MAEY & JACK: SO long...So long..goodbye, Bob, DON: ~, ~ee you st the show. JACK: Yeah, .so long, Don..see you later. (SOUND: TRAFFIC NOISES UP & DOWN) MARY: Gee, it's still early..and the weather's so nice .... c~ -I think I'll go out and play nine holes of golf. ~w JACK: Mary, that's a wonderful idesAlill Join you. Can you drive me by the house, ~ got to pick up my golf clubs. MARY: Sure...My car's right in that ~k[ng lot. JACK: Good...you get the car and meet me at the corner.. I -Aant to get s newspaper. MARY: All right, .see you In a couple of minutes. JACK: Okay. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS..TRAFFIC NOIS~5.. AUTO HORNS, ETC.) JACK: See, that Bob Crosby is s nice guy ... Imagine him giving the waitress a dollar tlp..Gee, I'll bet it made her feel good...I got a thrill ou~ of it and I was only ~atchlng...Now let's see..l ~ant ~o get a paper .... ~ .... which paper do I want to get here. BEARN: Hi ys, Rube. JACK: Huh?..Oh, it's my f~lend from Cslabssss. (APPLAUSE) BA ATH01 0019982
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.............................................. -9-- gAOK.~"IGosh, I haven't seen you in nearly a yea~k.Tell me, what are you doing here in Los Angeles? }{EARN: Came to get some supplies for my farm..I just bought an electrlc milking machine. JACK: You need an electrlo milker for your cows? HEAP~: Yep, it's kinds hand to squeeze out a living by hand... (LAUGHS) Hee hee bee, ain't that a humdinger? Hsard it on a homey show the other afternoon. JACK: Could that have been Bobts?...I don't know ..... Is that all you have on your farm, Just cows? HEA~: Oh noo~maln crop is g~epes..we operate our own ~ineYy. JAOK: Well, that sounds llke a nice pleasant occupation. HEARN: Pleasant but dsnserous, Kube, dsngerous...In fsot, Just a short time ago my uncle fell into cue of those hlg vats full of wine and drowned. JACK: D drowned in wine? Yap...took the mortlslan five days to get the smile off his face. JAOK~.~ Well, I can*t understsnd how -- (SOUND: TWO LOUD IMPATIENT B~PS OF AN AUTO HORN) Cb, I'm sorry, that csr is honking for me..~ got to go ~.iow. ~ nice runnlng Into you..Goodbye. So long, Rube. So long, so long. JACK: HF~.RN: JACK: (APP~USE) BA (SOUND: COUPLE OF F00TSTEPS...CAR DOOR OPENS) ~TH01 001998.9
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C¸ ~CK: MARY: JACK: MAR~: JACK: MARY: JACK: MA~Y: JACK: JACK: MARY: -i0- Hsre I ~m, Mary. Hi ya, Rube. Oh, stop...Come on, let's get going. (SOUND: CAR MOTOR GOING..FADE AND SUSTAIN IN B.G°) Gee, Itm glad we finished rehesrssl early. ~mch a nice dey for ~olf. Ye~h. Say Jack, what aid the headllnes in the papem say? How do you llk8 that...T kept tslklng with thBt far~er I forgot to buy 8 papem. Well, turn on the ~adlo, end wetll hear the news. All right. (SOU~9: CLICK OF RADIO...STATIO W}~STL~S) (FILTER) AND NOW FOR ANOTH~ NEWS ITEM..PROFESSOR TH~DEUS LAMB~qT OF THE UNIVERSITY (F SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA K~$ FOUND A SUCCESSFUL SOLUTION TO THE SMOG PROBLEM IN LCS ANGELE8. ,}~ HAS MOVED TO COLORADO. o .WE OONTINUE OUR PROGRAM WITH A MUSICAL INTerLUDE, AND BRING YOU THE SPORTSMEN QUARTET SINGING ""OH". Ma_~y, thst's our quertet. ye~,h. BA 8TM01 0019984
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C BA -ll - Oh, lady, Oh, how she can snuggles sh~ts s8 sweet 8s esn be, And when we're in the parlor Oh, the way she whispers pretty nothing's to me All I csn do is holler Oh, it isn't what she does, but Oh, the clever way she does it. Expeclslly when she meets me neath the moon above. Sweet oookte Oh, what'll I do the way she sends me With her go get 'em eyes And puts me in ~ flurry ooA Oh, the way I fall forAher beautiful lles Believe me I should worry Oh, the way she feeds me taffy Oh, I think she'll drive me daffy Oh, oh, oh, oh, How my supe~ sentimental wonderful sweetie can hove. Oh, lady, oh du de leo de The Way she holds e L~cky St~i~e in her hand it makes me very happy Oh, du le leo de For deep down s~oklr~ pleasure Luckles are ~and. Just Bsk your dear old peppy Oh, such fine and light tobacco Oh, there's t~enty in s pack so Lady, when I see you light a Luok~ I know together we'll be ssylns Oh, e Lucky has ~ better taste it is t~ue I llke to sing about 'em. 8TK01 0019985
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QUART: Ohs a cleaner fresher smoke, it's smoother for you (CO~T'D) I'Ii never be ~Ithout 'em. Oh, the only smoke for me is Oh, an L S M F T and Oh, oh, oh, obj l'm so wild about a Luoky All I can say is ~st Oh All Ioan say is just Oh. (APPmUSE) -12 - BA AT~:O~ 00~ 9986
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(Tm JACK: ~MRY: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROOH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: CB -13- (SOUND: CAR COMING TO STOP) Well, here we are, Jack. Run in and get your clubs. Want to coma in the house~ for a minute, Mary? NO, I'ii wait OUt here in the oar. Okay..~'~how you my etohlngs... 8 ~n't take me long. (SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS & CLOSES. ,FOOTSTEPS ON C~T WALK..FOOTSTE~S STOP..KEY IN DOOR... DOOR oP]mS & CLOSES) (OFF) IS THAT y(~, MR. BENNY? Yes, Rochester. (COMING IN) WOULD YOU LIEE MR TO FIX YOU SOME LUNCH? No thanks, I just -- wait e minute, Rochester..what ere you doiug vlth my violin? I'M GOING TO PUT IT BACK IN T}£~ CASE. THAT VIOLIN,S B~ LYING AROUND ~ SINCE YOU ~T OFF T~ AIR LAST JUNE. That long? UH HUH...~N FACT, IT'S GOT M01D ALL O~ IT. Well, did you wipe it off? NO SIR. Why not? BOSS, M0ID MAKES P~ICILLIN AND THAT THING NE~ ALL THE HELP IT CAN GET. Never mlnd...snd clean it up good becsuse I'm golng to play my violin On my tolevislon show next S~ndey. Yesh yeah.|...Now look, I'm going out to play some golf with Miss Livlngs tone. I~T~O'I 001998?
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-14- 4' ROCH:~ YOUR 8LUBS ARE IN T}~ CLOSET. JACk: I know .. And Rochester, at five o'clock I wont you to drive out to the club house, and bring me home. ROCH: I CAN.'T~ MR. B~...THE MECHANICS ARE WOBK~G ON YOUR M~ DOWN AT T~ GARAGE. JACK: Why, what's wrong vith my car? ROOH: NOTHING, IT'S JUST TIME FOR ITS MILLION MILE C}~K-UP. JACK: All right, ell right...I'll have Miss Livingstone drive me home...Now Rochester, don't bother about dinner tonight because I'm going out. ROCK: OKAy.. ,BUT BOSS... JACK: Yeah? ROOM: W~a~L...IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS..BUT I THINK YOU OUGh~ TO ~TAY }DME TONIOET WITH pOLLy. JACK: With the pe~Pot? ROOM: YEAH...SHE~B ~ ACTING AWF£V~Ly FUNNY lATELy...~HE'5 -- gEM'S SO MOODY. JACK'. ~; I think ~c~'re Imaginln~ it, Rochester,.. ,Pa?~ots, don't get moody. ROOH: WE-L, POLLY IS...AND SHE'S DOING THE STRANGEST T~LINGS, JACK: ~[nst do you mean? ROOM: P~ THAT COCONUT YOU BOUGHT }~? JACK: Yes..did she e~t It7 ROCM: EAT IT, S~'S TRYING TO HATCH IT. JACK: ~..Well, maybe I better go in and take a look ~t her. (SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS..COUPLE MORE FOOTSTEPS) CB LJ ~T~01 0019988
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JACK: MEL: JACK: MKS: JACK: MEL: JACK: ROCH: JACK: MEL: JACK: MARy: JACK: MARY: ROOH: (V/~Y BRIG~) Hello, (~m~S SAD NOISES) Polly. -15- Gee,k~he~ won't look st me...Polly it's me..Deddy.. • (SAD NOISE) (MAD) Now Polly, stop sitting on that coconut. (SAD NOISE) I wonder whet.s w~ong with her...Imsglne her tryln8 to hatch B -- SAY, Eoohester..that's it...the poor thing ms all 81one, so sh~dbesn't know any better..I think P'II buy a mate for her. Buy a mate, buy a mate..(S~AWK~ & %~KISTLE) MATE...YOU FAD THOSE TWO pARROTS IN T}~ SAME CAGE FOR OVER A k~AR AND TH~ YOU DISCOVE~ THEY WERE BOT~ F~d2S. Yeeh., .I wonder how that happened? Somebody gooPed., .(SQUAWK ~ W~IST~) Well, don't look at me as though I'm st~pld, Polly...You didn't know yourself for nearly a year...Gee, Rochester, ~now yo~'ve got me kln~ worried. (SOLWD: DOOE OP S) (COMING IN) For heavens sakes, Jack -- what's taking you so long? I'm sorry, Mary, but Polly isn't Peeling well. (SYMPAT}~-TIC) Oh, that,s too bad..the poor thing..what's v2ouE with her? MISS LIVINGSTONE, SHE JUST SITS AROUND IN ~ CAGE ALL DAy BROODING..IT'S BE~ GOING ON FOE }~ NOW. CB d~ 8TH01 0019989
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MARY.. JACK: MARy: Jack, you ought to do something...Why don't you take her to s psychiatrist? A psychiC?-Mary, this is no time for ~oklug. I'm not joking...they have psyohistrlsts for anlm~is .... I ku~ on, right ue~ here. JACK: All rlght...l'll Bet Polly and ve'll go. (TRA~ITIO~ ~J~IC ) MARY: Jack, here's the doctor's offlee...You go in with Polly.. (~(~I'll wait outside lu the oer. JACK: Okay. (BOUND: DOOR o~g ~ CLOSES..?O0TSTE~) HY: (VI~E AOC~T) Yes slr..may I help you? JACK: Well'.ere you the psychi~trlst. HY: Yes sir....I am Dr. Hugo Brauner, P}D. JACK: P.H.D.? BY: Parrots, Horses, and Dogs...Tbose are my speolaltles, but I take care of all 8nimsls. JAOK: Oh...well, I've come to see you about my parrot hsre..I think she hss some sort of s Oomplex. MEL: (.~v~ sac N0ZS~) HY: Vell -- ~hst seems to be wrong with the little lady? JAOK.Q~IShe's very melencholy lately...and today I gave her a cceonut and she tried to hatch It...Could it be possible that birds long for motherhood? HY: Certainly. MEL: (S~m~K) BY: Tell me, how long has she been aotlng so moody? CB F~TH01 0019990
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{ -17- JAOK: For a few weeks..before that she was always Jolly...she used to love to listen to the radio and television. HY: A parrot that enjoyed radio and television, this I cannot believe. ME: (SQUAW~) Paper-mate Pen is leak proof. (WHISTLES) HY: I belleve...Now to help her, maybe it would be good if you tell me zumzlng 8bout yourself..Whet do you do? JACK: Well, l'm Jack Benny and -- ~ .... HY: Oh ye~.~ou looked familiar .... ~ell, in addition to yourself, M~. Benny, how m8ny people come in contact with this parrot? JACK: Well, there's my valet, my cast, and my six writers. HY~nd what is this parrot,s name? ~CK: HY: JACK: HY: JACK: ~L: H~: JACK: HY: JACK: CB Polly. It took six writers to think of that? Look, Doctor -- Never mind, never mind..Now tell me, how old is this parrot? Well, let me figure it out.~.h~eman in the pet shop where i bought her said she was born in eighteen ninety-four.. Thet vould make her -- (8QUAWES) Thirty-nine. (WHISTLES) ...where does she get such delusions? I'm sure I don't know. Now, Mr. Benny..you say this parrot listens to radio... does she llke music? Oh, she loves~.~..~..--~. E~TH01 0019991
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HY~'Good, I will give her JACK: JACK: }X: MEL: HY: MEL: HY: MEL: HY: JACK: HY: HY: HY: -18- a word asaoolatlon test. ~Tord essooiatlou about music? Yes..I will give her a word end by automatic reflex she will say the first thing that comes into her mind. Oh~ good good. Now Polly..llsten...Piano. Liberaoe. (3QUAWK8) Clerlnet. Benny Goodman. (WHISTLES) Violin. Penicillin. (S~3AWK) That I do not understand at all. It must have been something she heard)~OzA~LtS" Obviously...Now to continue the word test...Listen Polly.. Father.. (S~ NOISES) Mother. (SAD NOISSS ) Baby. CB ATH01 0019992
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(" MEL: -19- BY: You are right, Mr. Benny. She yearns for e baby. JACK: That's what I thought, -- Polly~ be quiet ..Doctor, Doctor, I'II go to the .... Polly, please...I'll go to the pet shop and get sn egg....Polly, control yourself..Stop crying...Polly, we'll go right to the pet _ • ,-,,,,..,. ,~. J~. ~ ~.~,, ~[$~ ~6Yiy. '.Pony.~r- I'ii get you an egg.. Polly..POLLy..I'LL GET YOU AN EGG..L~'S GO, POLLY. Climb upon my knee, Sonny Boy. you are only three, Sonny Boy. You~s now Wsy of knoMi~, There's no way of showing Whet you mean to me, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy. When there ere gray skies, I don't mind the gray skies, You make them blue, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy, Sonny boy. Fr.lend~ ma~ forsake me Let them all forsake me I'll still have you, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy. you're se:~t from heaven A~ 1 Icao~! 7our worth Sonny boy~ sonny boy.. (APPLAUSE & PLAyOFF) CB 8THO~ OO19993
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T~ AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY ~LOSING CO~V~RCIAL ~IISON~ ( TRANSCRIbeD OOILI~ : %';ITH ~trLL CALYPSO V2RSION) WILSON: DY J. ~!e'll hesr from Jsck 8gsin in jus$ 8 minute, but first, the Sweetheart of Lucky Strlke -- Dorothy Co111ns~ "If you want better tsste from your cig-~-rette, Strik___~e Is the brsn~ to get: IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat t~ste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) elg-B-rette. They take fine tohecco, it's ~ tobscco, it's mil__~d t obaoco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S T~ST~D, because the toastlng brings the flsvor r~ht through. So, to set het%er ~ste from your cig-a-rette, Btrike is the brsnd to get: IT'8 TOABTED to glve you the best t~ste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP ... CLAp, CLAP) ciE-a-rette' Thetis something to remember, frlen6s: "If you went hette~ taste from your cigsrette, Lucky Strlk~ is the brend to get! " Yes, because IT'S TOABTED to t~ste better. Now, first of 811, Luckles t~ste better because they're ms~e of fine tobacco. IS/M~T, Lucky Strike mesns fine tobacco, rmtu~lly mild ~oed-t~stlng tobsoco. And then, thst tobacco is toeste~. "IT'S TOABTED" -- the fsmous Lucky Stri~e process -- terms up LucklesI nstu~lly mild 8ood-t~stin~, tobacco to rneke i~ tsst~ eve~ better. Cles~e~, fresher, Smoother. (Mo ) ~TM01 0019994
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T~ A~RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -~ THE JACK ~NNY PROGRAM #3 OCT0~R I0. 1954. CLUING COMMERCIAL (COHT'D) Keep thet In mind and for 8 better tssting smoke every time -- mgke your ciger~tte -- Lucky Strike' ( TRA~BCR~S~ED COLLI~S: WITH FULL CALYPSO V2RSION) "If you wsnt bett~r teste from your ci~-e-rette, LUC~ Strike is the brsnd to get: IT'S TOASTED to give you the best teste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) clg-~-rette: DY nTH01 0019995
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f~ -20- ( AG) (SOUND: CAR GOING ALONG) MARY: Jack, what did the psychlstrlst say about Polly? JACK: Oh, she'll be all right. All birds get moody once in a while. (SOUND: A~C Ho~s) MARy: It's a shame we missed ou~ golf gsme...but msybe we can plsy next week. JAOK: No, Mary, I'm gonna be busy all week rehesrsing for my television show next 8undsy. MARY: (DISC-UST~D) Gosh, Jeck, are you going to be on television that often? JACK: Msry, read that llne the way we rehearsed it. MARY: (THRILLED) Gosh, Jack, are you going to be on televlslou that often? JACK: That's better..Goodnlght, folks. (APPLAUSE) CB i i L 8[~01 0019996 I
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~, .................. ~ ~~ ~ -21 - DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was wrltten by Sam Perriu,. Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Teckaberry, Hal Goldman, AI Gordon, and produosd snd transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike --product of the American Tobacco Company...Ameriea's leading manufacturem of cigarettes. CB nrK01 0019992
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~ ............ V~ ~ ~ • / ~OGRAM #4 ~_~ ~Z~_~_~~' AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK ~ PROGRAM SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1954 0BS (0rlglnal ~ape - Nov. 16, 1952) :00 - 4:30 PM PST CAST : Jack Benny Mary Livingstone Rochester Dennis Day Bob Crosby The Sportsmen Quamtet Mel Blanc BH ~TM01 0019998
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.......... : - ~ ~'~ ......... ~W~-'~ • I I~ ~ • THE AMEBICAN TOBACCO COMFANY -A- "THE JACK BENNY PROGP~'~ #4 OCTOBER 17, i~5~ WILSON: THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM.. °tz~nscYlbed and presented by Lucky strike, the cigarette thst.s toastad to taste better: (TRANSCRIBED "If you want better taste from your cfg-a-~etta, COLLINS : Lack.v Strike is the brand to getJ IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP...CLAP, C~AP) cig-a-retta. They take fine tobacco, it's llght tobacco, it's mild totecco, too. Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because tho toasting brings the flavor right t~ugh. So, to Get better taste from your cl8-a-rette, Strike is the brand to get.t IT,S TOASTED to give you the best ta~ta yet, It's the toasted_ (CLAP...CIAP, CLAP) clg-a-rette'" WILSON: Friends, this is Don Wilson. If you,re not getting all the enjoyment you should be getting from your present cigarette, switch to Lucky Strike -- and see for youreelf how much more real, deep down smoking enjoyment o~ get from Luckies' better taste. A Lucky tastes better because it's the elg~rette of flae tobacco aud IT'S TOASTED to taste better. (MORE) BH RT~01 0019999
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T AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -B- Y "T~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM" #~ OOTO~R 17, 195~ OInkING 00~CIAL (O0NT'D) ( WILSON : ( 00)~ 'D ) OPTIONAL: (TRANSCRIBED COLLINS : IT'S TOASTED is the famous Lucky strike process that toues up Luckles' fine, naturaliy good-tasting tohscco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, find out for yourself. Buy & carton of better besting Lucky Strike: If you w&nt better taste, etc. (2nd Paragraph, pg. A) ~r L, BH RTX01 002O000
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(FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COM~CIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON .' THE LUCKY STRIKe PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY...WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, E~NNIS I~Y, BOB CROSBY, TP~ SPORTSME~ QUARTET, AND 'qOGRS TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE...~SIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GENTL~EN...TONIGHT JACK BENNY DOES ANOT~ TELEVISION PROGRAM, ~BUT IN THE M~A~ 'S GO BACK TO TH3B MORNING IN B~ERLY HILLS ° AS WE DOGK IN ON TEE BENNY HGJSEHOLD, WE FIND JACK JUST ~V2ERING THE KITC~. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) JACK: ~i..,Rochester ~ust ~ve overslept &gain...I'll go ~ke b~Lm up ~nd have him fin my bres/~fast...I don't know why it Is, but every ti~e I give him a day Off, the next morning he overslecps...Thls is the Second ti~e it's b~ppened this year. Oh well, I might ~s well let him s!eep and fix breakfast myself...Now let's see...~re does Rochester keep the coffee...I'll try this cupboard~-~. (SOUND: CUPBOARD OPENING) JACK: Nc..it's fllled with Ideal Dog Food...I'll try this one... (SOUND: CUPBOARD OPENING) JACK: No, this one's filled with Ideal Dog Foo~, too...M~yhe it's in this cupboard. (SOUND: CUPBOARD OP2NING) BH RTH01 0020001
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JACK: ROUM: JACK: ROUH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROUH JACK : ROCH: JACK : ROCH: JACK: ROCH : JACK : ROCH: JACK : --2-- ~...more Ideal Dog Food...There~s no doubt about it... I'll either b~ve to get a dog or stop mentioning that stuff on my program....We11, I can,t find the coffee... I'll Just have to wske Rochester. (SOUNDi F0m~TE~..DOOR OPENS..MORE FOOTSTEP.. DOCK o~) (sNo s Rochester, it's time to get up. (SEOR~S SOME MORE) Rochester..Rochester..get up. (SNORES) Rmm...I,ll take thls feather duster and tickle his chin. (SOUND: SWISHING ~ FEATHER DUSTER) (GIGGLES) ~ ~ }~E..RONEY, YOU SURE GOT LONG EE~IAS~S. ROC~-~TER.. GET UP: (~PTED SNORE) HUH...WHAT...OH, IT'S Y~, ~. BENNYI Yes, it's me, boney...And I want my breakfast. (YAWNING) I,LL GET IT....GOSH, BOSS, I,M SORRY yOU WOKE ~. UP WHEN YOU DID..I WAS HAVING THE MOST WONI~L DREAMI I know..I mean, you were dreaming about a girl. ~_AH, WE WERE GONNA GET MARRIED AND yOU OFFERED RE A FIFTY DOLLAR RAISE. I offered you~a fifty dollar r~Ise? UH ~ ... AND JUS~T AS ~C~ ~ GIVING IT TO ME, YOU WOKE ~ UP. ~ Oh. BH ~T~O~ 0020002
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.... ¸7¸,.¸ .k ROCH : JACK: POOH : JACK: JACK : ROCH : THAT'S THE THIRD TIME IT'S HAPPENED. I ~OW, I know, ~o~ told me, -3- ONCE I DREAMED YOU WERE CUTTING MY SALARY, AND yOU LET ME S~L~P TILL FOUR IN TEE AFTERNOON. I~ust a colncidence...Anyway, I -- I'll ~nswer the door, Rochester..You get dressed and make my breakfast. YES SIR. (SOUND: FOOTBTE~...TEEN STOP) JACK: Hello, Polly. MEL: ('~tLMPF~S AND SQUA~S SADLY) JACKa~tYou're still sulking, huh, Polly? MEL: ( ~4P~S AGAIN) (SOUND: DOOR ~JZZ~m) JACK: Coming, coming. (SOl~: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) MARY: H~IIo, Jack. JACK: Oh, .~,~ry...come on in. (souND: DDO2 OLOSFe) MARY: I was just talking to your neighbors th9 Colm~n's. JACK: Oh, Bonnie and BeD.ita? MARY: Yes. As I I~ssed their house, Benlta was sweeping the porch and Ronnle was cleaning the windows. JACK: Bonita 8rid Ronnie were doing their own housework? MARy: Yes, they told me their butler quit. JACK: Their butler quit...Why? BH RTH01 0020003
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MARy: JACK: MARY: MEL: MARy: MEL: MARY: JACK : MARY: JACK: -4. They Bald they have to live next to you, he doesn't. He,ll be beck, he's run away before. 0h...hello, Polly. Come on, Polly..speak..speak. (BA S A DOO Form Jack, what have you been feeding this bird? .... It wash t my fault,~@ne r~ppened to find e oen opener. What? Nothing, nothing. (SOUND: DOOR ~Z~) JACK: (CALLS) COME IN. (SOU~: DOOR OPENS) JACK:~IOh b~llo, Dennis. I~IS: Hello, Mr. Benny...Hello, Mary. MARY: Hi Dennis...Wh~t are you doing around here? DENNIS :O~ 'm tb~nklng of moving, .I've been looking at houses all day. JACK: Oh, you want to buy a house? DENNIS: Yeah..b~w much would you take for this one? JACK: Aw, don't be silly, Dennis...my house isn't for sale. I~NNIS: I know, but if it were for sale, how much would you take? JACK: Well. ..Hey, let me see...Gee, it's in the best pert of Beverly }tills.,~,~ve an acre of land...twelve rooms... ~swin~mlng pool...Oh, I'd ask about ~ hundred thousand dollars. DE~I8: I wouldn't have this dump if you gave it to me. BH RT~01 0020004
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<* ir JACKI ~LS : JACK: JACK: ~ : JACK: MARy: D~IS : MARy i DENNIS : JACK: D~NIS : JACK : Dook..,Dennis.,.I don,t want any trouble wlth you. You asked me how much m~ house w~s worth..~ I told you a hundred thousamd do,tars. Does the price include the Venetian blinds? Yes...also the dr~pes and the carpets...Any~y, Dsnnis, w~at's wrong wlth the house you're llving In now?...You just moved in. I knew, but it's too inconvenient. Inconvenlent ? Yeah..in order to get to the bedroom@ Fou have to go through the furnace, Dennis, what kind of a house ares you lookin~ for? Oh..~ sort of a r&u~h house. Yo~ knowi eve~ythlng on one f~eoiL How many roc~s? Well, lld llke two bedrooms, a den, a ilvlng room, and a kitchen. How ~bout a bath? No tb~nks, I bad one thls mo~ning+ ~ny do I always set trapDed Into these tblngs...M~ry talk8 to blm, she sets ~ ~ensiblo ansWero..I a~k a senslole ~uest~on...whot do I get...Abbott ~nd Costello...Dennis, let me hear the song ~ou're golnS to do on this weekls pro grw/u. ~l~Nrs: Yes, sir. (APPLAUSE) (~NNIS,S SONG -- "lADy OF SPAIN") (APPLAUSE) 8TMO? 0020005
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(SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: Very good, Dennis, I know it's gedug to sound beautiful DENNIS : JACK: D~NN IS : JACK: D~NIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: D~NIS : JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS : JACK: D~IS: JACK: D~IS : MARY: JACK : MARY: when you sing it on the show. Donft be so su~o. Why not? l'm having my tonsils out tonight. Tonight? Dennis, are your tonsils infected? No. Well, has your throat been soro? ~o. H~ve you been catohlug colds? No. Then why are you having your tonails out? A doctor friend of nine is coming over and I don't know how olse to entertain him. ~at? last tlmehe took out myappondlx. Dennis °- If he keeps coming over there won't be anything left. Dennis ~- Well, I~ gotta go look for a house now...Goodbyo, Mary. ~e. Goodbye, .Mr. Benny. Goodbye Dennis. (SOLmD: DOOR OLOSES) ~, I~ got to bo running along, too. Itll see you CB RTXO1 0020006
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JACK: Okay....Goodbye, Mary. Bye • (SOUND: --7- FOOTSTEPS..DOOR CLOSES...PH0I~ RINGS.. FOOTSTEPS..RBO~ UP) JACK: Hello. BOB: Jack• JACK: Who is thls? BOB: Bob C~osby. JACK: Oh hello, Bob...I dldn~t recognize your volce...What is it? BOB: Well, I'm having a few of the bODOyES over for ,s friendly game of poker tonight, and I thought ~ Join us. JACK: !;ell...er...what stakes do you play for? BOB: Five and ten. i JACK: Five and ten?k That's a little too steep for me. BOB:,~,No no, Jaokt not five and ten dollsrs...five and ten ~.~. JACK.~.That's what I thought you meant...Well, Bob, who's going to be in the game~2% 2 BOB:~,Just scme of the musicians, Jack...wel ~ Bagby, Fletcher, Bemley, Sammy the drummer, Kimick, and A~turo Toscanini. JACK: Arturo Toscanlni?..Do you mean-- BOB: Oh no, this is another one. Me slaps the bass for Wingy Manege. JACK: Oh. BOB: It cereuses everybody. JACK:~Yd~ should imagine. / BOB: Well, how about it, Jack..could you come on over tonight? JACK: Well, I don't know, Bob..I might drop around for some laughs. CB L/ ATMO~ 0020002
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-9- i BOB: Oh, that's swell..we'll be playing out by the pool...We'll all be in our swlm~ing trunks, i JACK: Wait a minute, Bob, won't the boys be cold in nothing but trunks? BOB: Yeah, but they won't play cards with each other wearing anything that has pockets or sleeves. JACK: Well, Bob, maybe I'ii drop over, even if it's Just far laughs. BOB: Okay, ~,%see you later..Bye. JACK: So long, Bob. BOB: 0b, say, Jack...what goes with Dennis Day? JACK: What do you mean? BOB: Well, he was over to see me last night ~ he wants to buy my house, JACK: Did he offer you a good price? BOB: ye~,but I turned it down. JACK: Why? BOB: Well, he wanted me to include my venetian blinds, drapes and children. JACK: What a kid...So long, Bob. BOB: Bye, J~ck. (SOUND: RECEIV~ DOWN) JACK: That kid Dennis will drive everybody crazy till he finds a • house. ROCH: SAY, BOSS, I'VE GOT YOUR BREAKFAST P~EADY. JACK: Brln~ it in the den. I mi£4ht sit around for awhile and read. ROOH: OKAy. ( S0~D: PHONE RINGS ) CB ATNO~ 0020008
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-@- JACK: I'll get it Rochester..Eve~ybody's calling eR today..I wonder who it ~ be. (SOUNO: P~OEIV~ UP) JACK: Hello. ARTIE: Hello, F'~'. Benny (AFP~USE) ARTIE: Mr. Benny, guess who is this. JACK: (pLAYiNG) @mll. Now let's see..Sir Cedric Herdwick? ARTIE: No, guess again. JACK: Barry Fitzgerald? ARTIE: You're getting elose. JACK: I'm getting close?..Well, who is it? ARTIE: Mr. Kitzel. JACK: Mr. Kitzel..How come you said I was close when I said Barry Fitzgerald? ARTIE: He lives next door to me. JACK: 0h..Q.~,krell, it's nice of you to call, Mr. Kitzel..How are you? ARTIE: Currently I'm out of danger. JACK: Out of danger? ~Pnat was wrong? ARTIE: Nobody told you? JACK: No. ~RTIE: Hoe hoe hoo..did I had a siege. JACK: Really? ARTIE: Yeah..first my rh~mmtism started acting up.. JACK: Uh huh. ARTIE: Then I contracted a sciatica condition which had an adverse effect on my vericose veins, and simultaneously, you hear,. CB BTAO? 0020009
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JACK: Yesh. ARTI~: I suffered from a streptococci th~oat. JACK: Well, I m~orry to hesm that. ARTIE: The Blue Cross i~ scrrle~. JACK:~- I can imagine,~e-&2 . ARTIE : -10- M~. Benny, the ~oason I called is my brother-in-lay Bomnle is vlsiting me and I wondered if you could get him tickets to you~ television show. JACK: For your brother-im-law? Yes,k~b~ieve I can. ARTIE: Can you also get him tickets for Denny ThOmas..Burns and Allen..Groucho Marx..Amos and Andy..Let me see..vho else? JACK: Mr. Kitzel, you're certainly nice to you~ brother-im-law. ARTIE: Itts a pleasure to get him out of the house. JACK: Oh. ARTIE: Also, could you get him tickets to Jackle Gleasonls show? JACK: But thst.s in New York. ARTIE: Bless youD heart. JACK: (LAUG~LY) lql see what I can do, Mr. Kitzel..Goodbye. ARTIE: Goodbye, Mr. Benny. JACK: Goodbye. (SOUND: REOEIVER DOWN) (A22LAUSE) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS..FOOTSTEPS) CB RTM01 0020010
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-li- JACK: I don't know. These days with radio and television, I haven't been reading very much...Lot of good books here, tOO... "The High and the Mighty" by ~rnest Gann..."Look '~ho's Abroad Now" by Earl Wilson...l read them both, they're good books...Let,s see what else..."The Sea Around Us" .... "Battle Cry"...Here,s a copy of the Theory of Relativity by Albert Einstein., .Oh, I read that....I remember it has 496 pages...Those numbers were the only thing I understood...~ ~re's a book ! haven.t read... "The Purple Pirate"....Gee, that ought to be good..~ ~o many pirate pictures out now...I think I'll read this oriel (SOUND: ~LING OF CHAIR) JACK: The Purple Pirate..Chapte~ One. (MUSICAL CRESC~{DO..0R PIRATE OR NAUTICAL ~JSIC) JACK: ~ES, I AM A PIRATE...MY NAME IS CAPTAIN MORGAN...AS MY STORY OPENS, WE HAD B~ AT SEA ALMOST A YEAR.. .... MY SHIP HAD JUST OAPTUP~ A RICH PRIZE..A SCH00N]~, HOM~ARD BOUND FROM THE 0RI}~NT, AND LAD~ WITH CARGO...WE TRANSF~ CARGO TO OUR HOLD, T~ T~ CREW LINED THE RAIL AND WATC}~D AS ~ pREP.%R~D TO SEND THE CA~ VESSEL TO THE BOTTOM. C~ST & BAND: (MU~LE LOW) JACK: (REG. MIKE) All ri~ht. ~unners.. ' t sl r .... Fire! (SOUND: BOB: DY S~CANNONS ~ING O~ANDS~SHING S~P.) (c~) She's sinking fast, Captain. RTP(OJ 002001"1
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-12- JACK: Good...Tell me, Red R,~be~t, did ve get much booty? BOB: ~s a rich haul, Captain...a hundred bolts of silk, fifty barrels of rare spices, ten sacks filled vith gold, and fou~ cases of Ideal Dog Food, JACK: Fine, my supply was running low. BOB: That isn't all the loot, sir .... We found a small sack of diamonds, some ~ubies, and best of all, a woman's dress. JACK: A woman's dross...what's so wonderful about that? BOB: Oh, you oughta see YhatTs in it} JACK: Yo~ mean -- welve captured a woman? BOB: Yes, si~, and we also captured the captain of that ship. JACK: Good, bring them to me. BOB: Aye aye, sir. JACK: (FILTER) IN A FEW MINUTES BOTH T}~ CAPTAIN AND TSE GIRL WERE STANDING B~0RE ME.o.I L00~ T}~4 0V~ ~D~RY C ~ARk~Y~-LY FOR A LONG TIME. . .FINALLY I SPOEE. JACK: (REG. ~[IKE) Which one of you is the Captain? MARY: He is, of course. JACK: (FILTER) TH~P~ WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, I'D B~I~ AWAY FROM LA~D TOO LONG...AS I STOOD THERE, T}~ SCHOONERIS GRUFF CAPTAET TURNED TO ME ~ SPOEE. DON: (GRUFFLY) Are you the captain of these pirates? JACK: (KEG. MIKE) Yes. DON: Are you responsible fo~ blowing my ship to bits? JACK: Yes. DON: Did you make some of my men walk the plank? JACK: Yes. RT~01 00200~2
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Did ~ou hang all the rest of them? Yes. (SWEETLY) Do you think that was nice? No. Well, ~atch it next time. (FIL~ER) I S~T HIM BELOW, THEN I TURNED MY ATTENTION TO THE GIRL. SHE WAS WEARING A TIGHT SKIRT, A y~LLOW SWEATEE, AND A I~E BUTTON TEAT SAID, "I LIKE LOUIS T~ FG%U~TE~TH"...AS SHE STOOD BFPORE ME...I R~ THE SUP~STITION OF TP~ SEA..A WOMAN ABOARD A PINATE SHIP IS AN OMEN OF BAD LUCK...I WAS IN A PP/DICAME~T..SHOULD I KEEP ABOARD AND RISE MUTINY, OR MA~E ~ WALK T}~ PLANK. • .I DECIDED TO FLIP A COIN...HEADS SK~ STAYS...TAILS SHE W~/~B T~E PLANK. (SC~/ND: COIN FLIPPED AND LANDING ON WOOD. • •(PAUSE) • • .COIN FLIPS AGAIN AND IANDS ON WOOD.. • PAUSE...COIN FLIPS AGAIN AND IANDS ON WOOD.. PAUSE...COIN FLIPS AGAIN AND LANDS ON WOOD) S}~ STAYS[.. T}~ CF~f WAS SO HAPPY OVER THE RICH PRIZE WE HAD CAPTU~, THEY DIDEIT MIND A WOMAN BEING ABOARD...A~D THAT EV~ING, AS WE SAII~ THE TROPICAL SEA NEATH THE FUIL MOON, THEY EV~ GATH~0U~ THE ~ARTERDECK AND BEGAN TO SING. DDN : JACK: DON: JACK: DON : JACK: JACK: RTH07 0020013
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-14 - MANY A STORMY W~ID SHALL BLOW E'ER JACK COMES EONE AOA~, 'RE HAPFE GO LUCKZ THAT YOU ]~OW IT'S LUCKI~ ONCE AGAIN. L S M F T, ALL THE SAILORS AGR~ THAT L S M F TIS FINE T(~ACO0, YOU S~ S~/LOP~ IS PUFFIN' ON A LUCKY CAUSE TH~REtS NOTHIN' THATtLL BEAT A GOOD OLD LUOEY WHE~ yOUTRE OUT AT SEA. LUC~ STRII~ IS ROUND MID IT'S ~JLLY PAC~, TOO. SO FOR I~ DOWN SMOKING PI~ H~'S A TIP THAT YOU WILL TREASURE ONLY IS, LS, L$, M F T WILL DO. OH, IT'S LS L$ IS LSMFT LS LS IS LS LSMF T Y~, IT'SL$ MFFF, MFFF, MFFF IS, IS, I~, iS, MF T OH IT'S I~ L$ L8 L$ MF T L5 L5 IZ LS L$MFT YES, IT'SIS MFFF, MFFF, MF F F LS, ISIS, L$, MFT LIG~ UP A LUCKY FOR ~, (APPLAUSE) OB BTHOI 00200]~
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MO Tnm) JACK: JACK: JACK: BOB : JACK: BOB : JACK: BOB: JAOE: BOB: JACK: M~Y: JACK: (F~LTER) WE CONTINUED SCOURING TBE SEA, A~D TI~N OUR LUCK WENT BAD...WE SIG}~ NO MORE SHIPS...OUR BUPPLI~B RAN LOW...T~ MEN W~ IN A M~TINOUS MOOD...THEY BECAME SURLY A~D REFUS~ TO OBEY OBEERS...A~D THEN S[DDENLy -- (SOUND: BOOMING OF CANNONS) WE WF2~ ATTAC~ BY T~ MOST RNT}KZSS OF ALL FRENCH P/~ATES...DENNZS LA FITTE. (REG. MIKE) Red Robe~t....get the men to their battle stations. Aye sye, sir,, ,BAGgy, P~, FL~TONEB, K3M~CK.. ,MAN yOL~ GUNS. .... F~sm~mm. Itls no use, Oaptain.,.ItTs ~o ~se...the men are revolting. .... Would you repeat that? The...the men are revolting. You,ve caught On to these guys already, h~venlt you. You.re not kidding. (FILTEr) THE BATTLE WENT BADLY...A~ WE S~ l~A%~ CASUALTIES...FINALLY, T0 SA~E LIVES, I DEC]D~ TO SU~RENDER..,I GRAB~ A WHITE FLAG AND STARTED TO WAg-E IT. (MAD) Hey, give me those back. (~JS. MIKE) I,m sorry, Miss, but this is no time to be dolng your ~aundry. DY ATHO? 0020015
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f JACK: DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : MARY: (SOUND: THUMP...T~n~P) DENNIS:\ ~w I love to play zee leap frog. JACK: ~at ~re your plans for us, La Fitte? DENNIS: For ~ou, Mon Capitaine, you h~ve zee choice of me ol~ dying. "16- (F~) WE WERE TAKEE PRIFO~ ~ Z~EDIATELy LOOE~ IN T~ DARK FOLD OF THE SHIP..,FOR THR~ DAYS WE D~N,T SEE OEE 0R~ CAPTOR. °DENNIS LA F~ D~DN,T KSIL HIS PRISONERS BY MAKEG T~ WALK T~ PLANK...OH, NO...DE WAS TOO CRUEL FOR THAT...DE WOULD MAKE YOU STICK YOUR }~AD THROUGH A HOLE IN A CANVAS, ~ HIS OH~ LIN~ UP AkD THREW BASEBALLS AT YOU...THIS WASN'T SO BAD, BUT THE MEN YOU WITH THOSE DARTS WERE MURDER...FINALLY, ON TNN FOURTH DAY HE 0FOEHED ME A~' T}~ G~Tu TO ~ BFOUG}E~ TO HIM...AS WE STOOD TREMBLING E~FORE LA FITTE, TP~ TERROR OP THE SEVEN SEAS, HE SAID: (MAD) Nora d'um Coohon, Chien Sal, Votre Gra~dpere ohlen de fou chance3 April in Paris. (REE. MI~E) Huh? You are in zee presence of zee great La Fitbe...kneel, you peegl Yes sir. Good, now ~ou kneel, too, Yes, sir. JACK: DENNIS : JACK : Dy joining W~ll, I'll join you...Do I still retain my rank as Captain Captain! Ho ho, you fool...you'll be my slave. A slavel I'd rather die first..You don't know us Engllshmen very well. FI T,~O J 0020016
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DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: DY -! "- r All right...you die. What about the girl...are you going to kill her? Heh heh,.,You don't know us Frenchmen very well. What? I shall marry zee glrl and ma~e her zee pirate queen.. She will be my wife, my sweetheart..and now, I Miss her. She.d rather die first, You Meep out of this. (F]LTEH) I WAS ~N A ~ICAMEff~..EITHER I BEGiME LA FITTE'S SLAVE, OR I WALI~ THE PLANK. I D]DNIT KNOW NHAT (SOb~D: DOOR BUZZER) I DIDNJT E~OW WHAT TO -- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) (REG. MIKE) There's the door buzzer..mlght in the most intgPesti~g part... I canlt eve~ r~ad a boom 8Pound here •..ROC~TER .... (SOUND: DOOR BUSZEa) (SOUI~: DOOR OPENS..FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) (MOOLEy) Mr. Benny? Yes ? I'm from Bekins Van and Storage Company ~ we~ got two trucM-loads to unload here. Furniture? No, Ideal Dog Food. e...Well, put it in the sw~ng pool, the garage is full. (APPLAUSE A~D MUSIC) RT~01 0020012
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(~RE AUmCA~O~ ) DON: DON: -18- Friends, ever~ minute -- day and might -- s destructive fire starts. And in nine out of ten cases, most fires start beCause someone was careless! Don't let that someone be you. Be sure your electrical wiring As properly instslled. Put olgarettes and matches out before you discard them. Be on guard constantly against fire. Remember, only you can prevent fires. Jack will be bsok in a minute to tell you sbout his television prog2am which goes on immediately efter this show, hut first bere,s a word for anyone who enjoys ~ good cigarette, Jack will be bsck in ~ minute to tell you about his television program which goes on at 7:00 PM tonight over the CB$ Television Network, but flrst here's s word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. FirHO* 00200"18
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T~ AMEaiNA~ TOBACC0 00MPANY THE JACK ~ pROGRAM #4 0CT0~R 17, 195~ CLOSING 00~C .~.= COLLINS If you w~ot better taste from your clg-a-rette, WITH FU~L 0RCH. B.G. Lu~ Strike is the brand to get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAp...CIAp, CIAp) cig-a°rette. They take flne tobacco, it's ~ tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then ITIS TOABTED, yes, ITIS TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor rIgbt through. So, to get better taste from your oig-a-rette, Luc~ Strike is the brand to getl IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste ~et, It's the toasted (OIAp...CIAP, ClAp) clg-~ -rette'" WILSON: All you have to do is look at ~ pack of Luckles, f~iends, and ~ou'll see the re~sons for LuoMies' better taste printed right on the psek: LS~4FT, Luck~ Stri~e Means Fine Tobacco. Light natu2ally mild, good-tastlog %obacco. And -- IT'S TOASTED. IT'S TOASTED to taste better. IT'S TOASTED is the famous Luc~ Strike process that tones up Luck£es ' fine tobacco....bringing it to its peak of flavor...making it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoothsr. So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky! Make your next carton of cigarettes -- better tasting Luck~ Strike! (MO~) DH -C- RTH01 0020019
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4, / T}~ AMERICA~ TOBACCO COMPANY T~ JACK BEN~ pROGRAM #4 0CT0~R 17, 1954 CLOSING O0~RCIAL (CONTTD) COLLINS : 0RCH. B.G. D- If you want better taste from your eig-8-rette, Strike is the brand to get~ IT,S TOASTED to glve you the best taste yet, It,s the toasted (CIAp....CIAP, CLAP) ci~ -a -rette: DH ~T~01 0020020
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< (TAO) JACK: -19 - L~dles and gentlemen, I w~s going to tell you about my television show, but we,re a little late, so tune in and watch it .. o Goodnight, folks. (ApplAusE & ~?JBIC) DON : The Sank Benny program tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, John Tcckaberry, Hal Goldman, A1 Gor~on, and produced a~d tr~nsoribed by Hilllard M~rks. The Jao~ Benny program is brought to you by Luck~ Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company -- America's le~di~g m~nufacturer of cigarettes. DH ATM01 0020021
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i SCO CO ANY ~c_Aooooooc_~ S~RIEE THE JAC P SUNDAy, OCTOBER 2~, i~34 OBS (J.B.N. ~) PROG~ #5 P~VI S~ SCRIPT 4:00 - ~:30 FM PST (Transcribed - Sept. 5, 1954) CAST: JACK BENNY DENNIS DAy ROCHESTER DON WILSON MEL BLANC ERI0 SNOWDEN ART~ AUERBAOK FRANK NEIASON RUBIN ELVIA AL~ COL~ COLLI~S HERB VIGR~N DICK HYAN VE01A VONN THE SPORTSMES QUARTET RT~O? 0020022
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, THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY • "THE JACK ~ pROGBAM" #5 0p2/~I NG CO~4ERCIAL WIL~ON : ( TPANBCRIB~: COLLINS AND FULL CALYPSO VERSION (~ ~0~--~7 S~. ) .A. THE JACK BENNY pROGRAM ... transcrlbed and presented by Lucky Strike -- the cigarette that's toasted to taste better! "If you ~ant better taste from ~our cig-s-~et~e, Luck~. Strike is the brand to get' IT'__~ TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (ClAp ... ClAP, OIAP) cig-a-~ tte, They take fin___~e tobacco, it's li~ tobecco, it ,s mil___dd tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flsvor right through. So, to ge~ better taste from your clgerette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get: IT.S TOASTED to glve yeu the b~st taste yet, It's the toaste.~d (OIAP ... CIAP~ CLAP) cig-a-rette :" (MORE) BA RT~01 0020023
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~ ......... ~ ....... ~_~ ~;-~ ~ ~t~ ~-~--~ ........ T~ AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -B- "THE JACK ~BZ~NY pROGRAM" #5 ~bi~ i~ Don ~i~sou, fri~s, T~t ~e~ion of the l~cky Strike song Dorothy 0oliins Just sang may be different in tempo, but the story is stlil the s~me. A Lucky tastes better because ... IT,B TOASTED to taste better. You see, better taste starts with fine, mi~d, good-testing tobacco. LS/~ -- Lucky strike mean_.__~s fine toDacco~ And then, that tebacso is toasted. IT'S TOASTED is the fsmous Lucky Strike process that brings Luckies fine tobacco to its peak of flavor ... tones up this naturally good-testing tobacco to make it taste even better ... Gleaner# fresheP, smoother. So friends, remember that next time you buy cigarettes. And Be Happy -- Go Lucky2 COLLINS AND CALYPSO ~RSION O~ SONG) If ~ou want hette~ t~te, etc. (2nd Paragraph pg. A) BA LF ATHO~ 002002@
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(s~ow #5) -I- (AFTER COF~TRCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STEI]~ PROGBAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY LMh~ST0~, ROC~STER, ~NNlE DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND '~fODRS TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPlAUd..MJSlC uP AND DOWN) DON: AS YOU KNOW, lADlES AND GENTLEMEN, HOLLYWOOD IS TME GlAMOUR CAPITAL OF THE WORLD..AND BINC~ SATURDay NIGHT IS THE TI~ YOUR FAVORI~ STARS G~T TOG~T~R FOR THOSE GAY PAHTlES YOU ~EAD ABOUT..L~T'S GO BACK TO IAST NIGHT AND S~ WHAT'S GOING ON IN JACK BFNNY'S B~V~RLY HILLS MANGION. (SOUND: RFCORDING OF A GAY PARTY WITH BUZZ OF VOI~S, CHAMPAG~ CORKS POPPINGj IAUGHT~R AND BAND IN BACNGROUI~D) ROCH: (AP/ER A FFW ~CON~) F~RYONE SURE S~gMB TO ~ PAVING A GOOD TIM~, BOSS. JACK: Certainly they,r~ hsving 8 good time..when you give your guests good food, s big orcbestrs, snd the chempsg~s flows llke weter, how cen you miss? ROCH: Y~AHHHH. JACK: Well, close the window, Roohester..w~ csn't wstch Colmsn s psrty ell nlgn~..~u±ose ~. ~-~e--~.~/~. (SOUND: WINDOW CLOSED AND PARTY NOI~B OUT) JACK: Good...now help me off this box. ROCH: ~S, SIR. DY RTH01 0020025
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i" -2- ROCH: --'~'IL SAY THE TH~ T~/~T~IR BUTLER ANNOUN(~D ~. HAROLD LLOYD.,~.~.j'~ JACK: You know, Rochester, I just can't understand it. ROCH: WHAT, BO~S? JACK: Well, the Colmsn,s and I ere next-door neighhors..and when Ronnie first moved in, I used to He to all his parties, but the lest few yeses he's had a dozen big affairs end I haven't received sn invitation to e single one of 'em. What do you suppose it could be? ROCH: MAYBE H~ L05T YOUR AD~SS. JACK: Yeeh, yesh...Well come on, let's finish our game of Gin Ru~. ROCH: OKAy..IT WAS YOUR TURN TO THROW A CARD. JACK: Yeeh...let's see now..first you dlsesr~ed the ten of clubs..then the three of sp~des..the six of hearts..the Jack of diamonds..the eight of hearts..the five of spades.. ROCH: ~ h~? }~. JACK: ~/net's so funny. ROCH: IT SUEE }~LPS ~4~N YOU'~E GOT IKM WRITTZ~N ~:~. JACK: Look, you play your way snd I'ii play mine...~...I hate to break up my hand..but this is the only safe csrd I can give you..Here you are..the ~ng of Spades. ROCH: GIN. JACK: Mma...Are you lucky...Desl 'era up again. (SOUND: CARDS SHUFFLED) DY RTH01 0020026
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i ................... Iz JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: JACK: JACK: ERIC: JACK: ERIC: • DY -3- Rochester; 8re you sure I dlen't get en invitstion to CoVen's perry? POSITIVE (SOUND: CARDS DEALT) They must're sent m~ 8n invitetien end ~ got lost in the msll...excuse me ~ minute. (SOUND: RECEIVER UP) W~AT ARE YOU DOING, BOSS| (SOUND: DIALING) ~ the post office, llm goI~ to give them 8 piece of my mina. YOUIRE ABOUT IT, BOB5, ~LL THEM THEy DIDNIT D~LIVFR THE GAS BILL THIS MONYH EIT~ZR. (SOUND: LOUD REC~IW~R D@nl) It's your pley, Rochester...Gee, I've got e pretty good h~nd this tlme. YCU'LL NEED IT. Why? I C~T GIN. Again? Thst's the most unususl... (SOUND: FHO~ RINGS) I'!i get it,~o (SOUND, R~CEIVER UP) Hello. Hello, is thls MP. ~D/%y? yes. Well, this is Sbmrwoo~, Mr. Colmsn's butler. RT~O1 0020022 ii
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4' JA~: (~XC~) Oh; ~hel~WDO~, yes, ~es, ~sss yeBs yess yes~ ERIC: ~, Mr. Colmen wes s trifle emberressea to even brogc~ the subject gt this igte hour, but we.re bering s perry b~P8. JACK: I know, I know, s hundred end eighty-three guests. ERIC: Oh, I sey - you've been on thst box sgsin. JACK: I'm such e devil, sren,t I? (SILLY LAUGH) ERIC: (CLEARS THROAT) Well, et any rote...Mr. Colm~n thought you ml ht like to slip Into your tuxedo~s come over. JACK: ~F6~l~'-I:.~.l~, c~teluly,ASherwood,)gm be gled to OO~ OV~~• ERIC: Good...end remember..,you serve from the left end remove from the right. JACK: ~...Now look, Sherwood, I'm not welting on tsbles for Ronold Colmen or snyone else. t~dbye. (SOUND: REC~IV2R DO~...COUPIE FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Of ell the nerve...~, they cen keep their perry, I'm Just os heppy here st ho~e with you, Boobester. BOOH: BUT BOSS, I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT. JACK: Going out? Gee, 4~, T thought you were going to stsy with me. ROCH: I'D LIE TO, BUT I MA~ PLA~ TO TA~ THE NIGHT OFF. JACK: But Rochester, you were off lest ~Teek, ROCH: OH BOSS... yOUI~ NOT COUNTING TU£SDAY NIGHT, ARE YOU? JA OK: 50~(~Why not? ROCH: THAT'S ~{~N I HAD MY APPENDIX TAREN OUT. JACK: Whst's the differenoe..you di0u't get home till three in you off, you better get stsrteds~4~. L- DY RTH01 002002B I
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ROCH: JACK: JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DFNNIS: JACK: C,~t J~OK~ EFNNIS: ROCH: OKAy, I'M GOIN' UPSTAIRS AND ~JT A TIE ON. (SOUND: FOOTST~.PS FADING OFF) Everybody wents time off...Gee, wb~t'll I do with myself ell night? ~(~Dly someone I could plsy ceres with. I wonder if Remley,s hom~...Ehh, he chests...Gee, this is going to he s borlng evening. M~o '-"=k~ -~'- --~ .-- ....... , _=. ...... , ....... I donlt know what ~ -- (SOUND: PHONE RINGS..COUPLE FOOTSTEPS..RECEIVER UP) JACK: Hello I~NNIS:~/HelIo, Mr. Benny, this is Dennis. Oh Dennis. °What do you went, kid? Nothing..Are you going to be home tonight? yes, why? Well, I thought I might come over end visit you. Wonderful, Dennis, come Or1 over. l Okey, ~. Goodbye° (SOUNd: RECEIWER DOWN) (FADING IN) I'M READY TO GO, BOSS. BUT IF YOU P~ALLy MIND STAYING ALOI%~, q~8~4~-- JACK: It's 811 right, Rochester. Dennis Just celled, he.s coming over to keep me co~e~y. DY RT~01 0020029
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ROCH: ~j JACK: ROCH: JACK: ~, ROOH: JACK: ROCS: JACK: -6- THAT'S NI~ OF HIM. It sure is..let's see..l ~on~er what I csn eevve him. ~LL, THERE'S SANDWICH BRFAD AND SOFE COLD CUTS IN T~E REFRIGERATOR. JACK: yeeh..snd Dennls hes such a sweet tooth. Hsve we plenty of cendy? NOOH: OH Y2AH..ND 'VE GOT CARA~L$, TOOTSIE ROOIS, LICORI~ AND SOM~ O'}~NRy BARS. Good. SHALL I PUT 'EM IN T~ MACHI~? No no, I ceu do ltd.,You run ~long. ORAy..GOO~NIGHT, BOSS. So long, Rochester. (SOUND: OOCH SRUTS) JAGK: Gee: it's nice of Dennis to wsnt to spend Zhe evening with me..,~le111 sit 8~o~nd..he'll tslk to ms..discuss his problems..drive me nuts . Where's th~ bottle of ~spirin? JACK: Here Itis,.~q,m~f~g~'~ I bonght ~s~'~on~ 8ize, ~' ! I osn hit hlm over the heed with It.~<.;~n~sy, I'll be elone, so It'll be nice ~--- (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK: ~m~n...now who can thst be,,. (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTST~PS...~00R 0FS~) l~NNlS:~ello, Mr. Benny. / JAOK: Dennis: How'd you get here so fsst? ~NhqS: I wss next door et the Colmmnst petty. DY ATHO~ 0020030
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-7- JACK: ~et? I~NNIS: I would're got here sooner hut I welked. JACK: No~ look, Dennis, I'm in no mood for ~ silly --- D~NNIS.'~ot'so loud..If they find out I'm with you, they might.~o~-- not let me beck in° JACK: ok, you got invited to the h Colraens end I idn't, you don't h~ve to be such e shot. ~NNIS:Well, boy, it,s some party...you don't whet y 're missing. JACK: You we reelly b~ fun, oh? X~,NNIS: I'll soy... D~ o was dsnol Me~ilyn Monroe end I cut in. JACK: H ~NNIS: Not so good, Jo~'s for me. JACK: 1~ell, of ell the s~ ~NNIS: You ought to see the thet ere there...But one of so snooty. JACK: ~et snooty? Three t~s I tslked to Herold ~idn't ~NIS : snew6r / JACK: ~is, 10ok .... ~NNIS:~//And he's so paculisr...sll of s sudden left through e / ,/ window. JACK: .~n...look, Dennis, you were heving fun, why don't you go beck to yoar perry? D£NNIS~Don't you even went to hesr my song for tomorrowls show? DY RTX01 0020031
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JAGK: D~NNIS : JACK: ~ENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: -8- N~, I ~on't, But It'll cheer you up. All right, ell right, go shesd andS. I've changed my mind. I~NNIS, SING THAT SONG. Ok~y...whst s sore ~." ( A PPmU~ ) ([ENNIS'S SONG) -" "AN IRISHMAN %TILL S~AL YOUR I'~RT AWAY" ( APPLAUSE ) DY RTH01 0020032
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DH ~T~01 0020033
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f 4• -lO - drive -in., go. (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) Hold it a second, Don. JACK: f ARTIE : Mr. Benny. / (AppIAUSE) / ARTIE: Mr. who this is. JACK: (plAyING) m.. let's see... Sir Ced~o Hzrdwlck? / ARTIE : No. / JACK: Barr~ / ARTIE: You,re getting / JACK: Well, who is it? ART~: Mr. Kitzsl. JACK: Mr. Kitzel, how oo~yo~ s~Id / Fitzgerald? : ARTIE: He lives nex~ door to me. "ACK: Oh..oh.. Well, it's nice of you -=re you? c ARTIE: Currently I sm out of danger. / JACK: Out of danger? What was wroDg? ARTIE: Nobody told you? JACK: ~io. close when I said Bsrr~ Mr. Kitzel .. How DH RT~O1 0020034.
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ARTIE : JACK: A~IE: JACK: ART IE: Kooboo boo.. did I hsve s siege. started acting up .. tbeu I oont~cteda had an adverse effect on my verlcose I suffered from a Well, I,m to bear that. The Blue Cro~s sorrier. I Oan imagine..~ Mr. Benny, the reason is visiting me and I to your television show Yes, I believe I can. -ll- First my rheumatlsm and throat. brother-in-law Bernie you could get him tickets DH RTKO~ 0020035
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-12 - J K: Well,0kay[ come__come oD, on, let s he movies.. fellows, my car is in the driveway. (TRA~NSITION MUSIC) (SOUND: ESTABLISH LOUSY CAR MOTOR...FADE TO B.G.) DON : ~ I think we're getting near the Drlve-in.~ DEh~SS: There's ~ cowboy picture at the Strand. JACK: Dennis, you'll go where we go, you're onl~ along --- DON~_~ J c~, Stop....the l~ht's changing. JACK: 0ksy. (SOUND: OAR STOPS) DON: Say, look ~ho's in the cam next to us. ~<. JAO~.'~ Why, it's the Sportsmen....Hi, fellows. '{ DO~: ~ ~OT~ you have a nloe time, fellows ( ,,2,k_ ~;z.n ~ ¢'. JA~ .K~---~here are they going, Don? DON: Oh, ~t you know, Jack....they're going away for the • ~eek -end. JACK: Oh, hey, where are you ~Oin~, boys? DH I, ~THOJ 0020036
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-13 - QUART: WE'RE GOING TO GILLy GILLY OSSEN~F~2~ KATSEN ELLEN BOGAN BY THE SEA, JACK: OH, GILLy GILL~SENFEFF~ I~_~f_~_'~ .... ,, ~t,~" .... ~ ~-" ~ THAT'S A BEA~TL~L PLACE, IJVE B~N THERE MANY TI~S, QUART: THER2'S A TINY HOUSE TEEn'S A TINY HOUSE BY A TINY STREAM BY A TINY STREAM A LOVELY LASS A LOVELy LASS HAD A LOVELy I~EAM AND ~ 12EAM CAME T2L~ Q~ UNEXPECTEDLY ~N G~u~ O~LLY OS~E~ KATSEN ELLEN BOSAN BY THE SE& ~. t~,, ~ o._~,~.~.~ ~-. ~_~ ~-~ SHE WAS 05"T O~ DAy i?x.,vr,/tCu4"m-~ • SHE WAS OLT ONE DAy W}~.E THE TULIPS GROW ,~{~N A HANDSOME LAD ~/gZN A KAND80~ LAD STOPPED TO SAy K~LL0 STOPPED TO SAY MELL0 AND ~-S~FORE S}~ K~ AND BEFORE SHE KN~ HE KISSED }~R T~NE~RLY IN GILLy GILLy 0SSENF~FF3~ KATSEN ELLEN BOGAN BY THE SEA. (MORE) BR B[KO~ 002003?
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~UARTI THE HAPPY PAI~ W~ MARRIED OH SUNDAY AB~ER~QON, CONT D) T}~Y LEFT T}~ CH~CH AND RAN AWAy • TO SF~ND TEE H NEYMOON. IN A TINY HOI~E BY A TIHY STREAM W~ A LOVELy LASS W}~ A LOVELy LASS HAD A LOVELy DREAM HAD A LOVELY DREAM AND %~E I~ST I HEARD &ND T~ LAST I HEARD T~_z STILL LIVE HAPPILY JACK:A Don, there.s 8 crowd getberL~g srom~d us.~,D61L-~ ~i ~9~-~ IN G!LLy GILLY OSSENFE~FFER EATSEN ELaN BOGAN BY T~ SEA. MARTY: NOW, NVBEY~ JUST EEFEAT THE WORDS AFTER ME."~ ~it .~'S A CIGA~ CAST: .~'S A CIGARETTE MARTy: L S M F T CAST: L S E F T MARTy: ITS5 ~ BEST SMgKE VET CAST: IT'S ~ BEST SMOKE YET MARTy: LUCKy STEIEE FOR ME. CAST: LUC~Cf STRIKE FC~ ~ MARTY: TO GET. BETTER TASTE CAST: TO GET BETT~ TASTE QUART: IT'S TOASTED THOROUGHLY Y~S iS, IS, L8, IS, LS, IS, iS, MF:T, L S M F T. BE 8T~01 0020038'
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MARTY: LIGHT A LUCKY STRIKE CAST: LIGHT A LUCKY STRIKE MARTY: IT'S THE SMO~ WE LIEE. CAST: IT'8 THE SMOE~ WE LIEE MARTY: OlEA~ER Th~OLBH AND TRROUGH CAST: cLEANER THROUSH AND THROUGH MARTY: AND IT'S SMOOTHER, TOO CAST: AND IT'S SMOOTHER, TOO MARTY: TAEE A PUFF AND SEE CAST: TAKE A PUFF AND SEE QUART: WHY AIL OF b6 AGREE ON 1.5, IS, IS, IS, IS, iS, L S M F T BE HAPPY AND GO LUCKY IS, IS, IS, iS, IS, IS, L 5 MF T (ApPL~E) -15 - J BR ~T~01 002003~
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,k -16- JA OK: NELSON : ~DON : was®oD, A Y® WHEN YOU GET BACK. (SOUND: CAR ACCELERATING) JACK:~2~ I hope we get in at the start of the pietur%~' DON: ~i The theater.s right ~ block. DENNIS: Yeah, the~els the sign. DON: ~j Turn here, Jack..you have to go up this winding drlve-way to the box-offlce. JACK: ~,~:.~ ~ ~,~*, ~,~,. c~ ~, ~ ~-~. (SOUND: CAR CHUGS AND COUGHS ALONG) > - DON: ~ail up ~), that man next to the booth,~-~ l~glvs us our tickets. (SOUND: CAR G0~ FOR A WHILE,. THEN CASPS AND COUGHS TO A STOP) NELSON: Well11, congratulations, you made it! JACK: Huh? NELSON: Ever~ since you left the street I've been biting my nails. JACK: Now look, I don't want any cr~cks about my car. NELSON: Oh, is thet a car? I thought it was a flylng saucer thet z~ade a bad lending. Never mind, how much for the tickets? Two dollars and forty cents...t~t's ei ht apiece. Here's the money, Jack. JACK: '"-Eeep it, Don , I'm p~yln~or~tti~: ............ DENNIS : I want ~to" pay fo~'~y,,s3Oare. JACK: .~ "It's slll~ to split it up, l'1~'~ay.~oreveryone. BH 8THO~ 0020040
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-17- N: But,~'ack, you drove. Yet ~_. tickets. I JACK: No no *~ NELSON: P1aase~ "l~t them p~y, I 'm biting my hells ag~In~ ...... JACK: Oh.. DON: Here you arej Mister...Here.s a five dollar blll. ~LSON: All rlghtle..two-forty out of flve..,th~t leaves two-sixty...here you are. DON: T~k you..COme on, Jesk, drive inside. JACK : Okay. ~ , ISOU~: CAR AOCEL~P~TING~.AND SUSTAIN UNC~) ~A~: ~ • Qon'~ see any empty spaces. -- DRNNIS~yI donlt yoa follow that car in front of you? DO~: Yeah, ~ seems to know where he's going. JACK : Okay. (SOUND: CAR GOING F0H A FEW S~CONDS) DENNIS: You'z~ following the wrong car, tl~t other one turaed left. JACK: Ks did not. I'm doing the driving. (sOUND: CAR CNNQGING ALONG FOR TEN S~COND~... THEN STOPS ) NNL~ON: WE -TLiZ~LL, back fi~om the Grand Tour, eh? JACK: DON: Jack, you went all the w~ out and around the theater, DENNIS: Nobody llsto~s to me. JACK: Well, h~ng on, I'm going bask in. NE~0N~ Not ~o fast, tb~t'li he two-fort~, please. BE Qr~o~ 0020041 I
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-18 - "?! JACK: \ \ k~t a~ you talklng about, ~e p~id you o~¢e. ~ON: Well, donrt get so huffy, It was ~atso% money. JACK: I 6ou't care ~ho~ ~one~ ~t ~a~..In~te~ of being so sarcastlo why don't ~ou tell a fellow whe~ ~can park and ~e~ the Bhow. JACK: AI~ :eight. (SOUND: CAR ACC~I~RATING AND CHUGS ALONG) DON: ~ Jackk'I think I see 8 sp~ce in She next ~ow, DE~IS: Yeah, betto~ hurry before somebody else gets it. JACK: Oksy, (SOUND: CAR AcCELEBATING AND STOPPING) JACK: -~ght aegueeze...watch your side, Don, here Igo. (sOUND: OAR COU(~INO AND O~OQING ~R) DON: Co~e Ons come oe, plenty of l~oom OVe~ he~. DENNIS: Watch it..to the l~Eht, to t~ right, to the ~l~t. DON: Come on, com~~~-~'-L~ . % DENniS: ~oT~.~u~-~e-~-~m~I co ~m.~t~. JACK: "~om-,luNt-s~i~-~t~ ri~,~ake up 7cup mind: MEL: (MOOLEY) ~e~, youz ~uys. ol~e down~ wlll ,~uz. JACK: Huh? MEL: (MIMICKING LOUDLY) To the right, to the right, ~o the left, to the left. ELVIA: Now Herman, don~t make a scene. MEL: ~, But Moltle, you'd think the~ was dockin' the Queen M~y. ~.Hold it down s little, fellowe...now how am I on JACK~ ~~ ~'" " ~OUP side~ Don? BH RT~01 0020042
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Ill < -19- DON: Flne,~;'-Ja~E.~ l~re..there,~tb~t,8 perfect. (SOUND: IGNITION OFF) JACK: ~: Now Let's all settle back and watch the movie. ~NNIS~;I don't llke the angle from here. JACK~What's wrong wlth It? DE~I~,The ~cher on the screen b~s a pointed head. JACK: You're looking in the mirro2. DENNIS : Oh, DON~ I think we are a llttle too far to the 81de..maybe we could get something more ~the center. JACK: Look, I h~d enough trouble finding this spece4~ I'm not moving, so fo~et it.i COIm~N: (BABY CRIES LIGHTLY A COUPLE OF TIMES) M~L: I told ya to pipe down, now you woke the b~by~ CO~N: (CRIES LTGI~LY A COUPLE OF TIMES) JACK: Oh, for goodness sakes. ELVIA: Quick, He,man, give her the mllk. MEL: I can't you made it too hot. COLEEN: (COUPLE LOUDER CRIES) ELVIA: Hold her, Herman. ~L: I'm holdln' her, Irm holdln' her. JACK: Say MisteP, you told me to be Quiet..now how about~.%4~ pr~ctlclng what you presoh. MEL: Lcok, o29~ woke the baby~O JACK: (APOLOGETIC) ALl right, I,m sormy. I didn't intend to and I apologize. ~ we're all here to see a movie so let's relax and enjoy ourselves. BH A[HO~ 0020043
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C P -20- MEL.' JACK: ME&: JACK: You wenha be friends? Certainly. 0k~y..stick your h~nd out the window. All might...there...0UCH~ MEL:~See Moitle, I tolfi you the bottle was too hot. JACK: You 8or a lot of nerve, you burned my-~ - - - MEb: Quiet: Wb~ttaya ~anta do - wake the other kids? JACK : t~-~ 0thor kids? ~=L: Yesh, Billy, Tom, Ann, Suzie, Dickie, and Irving are llght sleepers. ELVIA: And if they wake up, they'll disturb Estie, Alice, Melvin, Julius, and the twins. JACK: ~, ~ow many children have you got? MEL: Who knows, it's dark in here..(S00THING) Now come on, baby..D~ddy's got you.~o sleep.~ . JACK: We bad to come to a Drlve-In. DENNIS: I want to hear the picture..Don, zoiZ down your window and 8st the speaker~k~~. DON : Okay. DON:~j1,11 just ?~ng it over the window ledge =here. RYANI (LG*' BUT INTENSE) Oh, Abigail..Abigail, my darling, these mo~.ents with yo~ are like a dream. VE01A: ~-, Charles, I only llve when we're together. Hold me ClO~BI~. ~.~.."~4, how I love you, Abigail..but these secret rendezvous -- what if your kasband c~tches us? BH RTMOJ O02OO~4
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-21- VEOIA'~ That's impossible. .he .s awa~ for the w88k-end. JACK: DON: JACK: DON: EUBIN: JACK: DE~IS : JACK: ARTIE: ..Don, turn the speaker up a little. It isn't on yet, that's the couple in the next car. Oh, oh..OH.~, (SOUND: CLICK OF SITARNR) There, it's on~ (FILTER) (ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, Inspector, if I foXlow your thought, one of the gentlenlen In this VeT Mocm is tDm fiendish ax killer. this is exciting. Yeah, Abigail's kissing him again. Wetch the picture. (FIL~ER) Yes, Redgj~sves, end you'lL be astonished when I tell you that the nzme of the murderer..is... (SOUND: AUTO HORN BLOWS AND ~PS BLOWING) k ~ DON:~.~Jack, stop blowing your horn! JACK: I'm not blowing it - it's stuck! in ~he wires. DENNIS~'I can't he~r who the murderer Is~ CAST : DON : JACK : DENNIS: JACK: DON: JA OK: The~ must he 8 sho~ (;o uB) Jack, everybody's hollering at us~ I'm hitting it ~@~ won't stop! Call the Automobile Club~ I can't, they blackballed me~ Watch out, I'll pull this wire...there. (SOUND: NDRNSTO~S) Gee, I 'm SO embar~ssed. QUIET..SHUT UP..KNOCK IT C~F, WILL YA~ Do somethlngl ~D ~r~ BH F~T,WO 1 002004-5
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O0~N : MEL: JACK: -2~- (STARTS CRYING AGAIN) We~1, you woke the bab~in, I hope you,re satisfied. Loo~, it was an accident. ~ if you don't like beln~ next to me, why don't you move? (,EXPLODING) I SHOULD MOVE..I 8HOUI~ MOV2, ,DID YOU }~AR THAT, MOITLE..THIS ~ CO~S IN, BOTHEF~ EVEEYBODY, AND WANT~ I 5HOIV~D MO~E. ,(~ ALL n25~ -- QUIOK~ MOITL2, HOLD THE BABY..I'M AFPAID I'lL THEOW HERAT HIM. ~0 DON:~-~,JacE, there's no sense staying hero. ~hy don~t you take J, that spacerin the next row? JAGK~ ~yb' e you're rlght~ . (SOU~: CAR STARTING) JACK: Some people just won't let you have a good time. DON,~A~Go in here .~o tbls convertible. JACK : ,,~, Yeai~, (SOUND: CAR PULLS UP AND MOTOR ~VF) JACK.'~V~flOW maybe we can enjoy the picture. }~: (LOW) Come closer, Cynthla..your kisses do something ~0 ~le, JUNE: And yours thrill me,.But Robert, I worry SO. What if you~ wife catches us? HERB: Impossible..Abi~ll thinks I'm out of town for the weekend. JACK: Gee, the whole f~mlly's her~..l wonder if I should tell Abigail...|~ah, why get involved. DON: ~q~2Look, they 'I~ about to 8tapt the surprlse feature. RT~O? 0020046
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-23 - L ,..eka ~" JACK: Oh 8~-65d ."-~-. ~/turn up she speaker, Don. ~JBIN: (FII/IER) AND NOW, lADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PALISADES DELIVE-I~ TAKES pLEASURE IN PRESENTING ANOTHER IN OUR SA~JE~Y NIGHT SERIES OF SURPRISE FEATURES. (MUSICAL BRIRP n~u~ ) ~IS: (OVER MUSIC) Oh boy, I hope this is s good one. RUBIN: (FILTER) WARNER BROTHE~5 PRESENTS _--5~ : z ..... ~TNO.j 4~ "T}~ HOP~N BLOWs AT MIDNIG~/~." JACK: WOII~ what do you know. (SOUND: AIL HELL BREAKS LOOSE,..LOTS OF CAR MOTORS START AND DRIVE AWAy ONE AFTER ANOTHER WITH HoRNs HO~ING AND TIR~ sCREECHING...SUS~IN TILL PIA~/~) JAC~: (OVER BEDLAM) AtmE?.~..~e,s everybody going? .... NOBODY'S sTAYING FOR TEB PICTEP~. ~.. ~, DON, DON, CCMB BACK...DENNIS...~Tn~ PIC~J~'S NOT THAT BAD....ABIGATLh ./.OYNI~IA.. ~p'~ --T _ i ....... : ...... ~...COME BACK. I DON'T OAw~. I'M GOING TO STAy H~k~ AND WATCH IT ALL BY MYSELF. (APPLAUSE AND F~AyOFF) RTM01 002004F
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THE A~L~RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -C- "THE JACK ~BENNY PROGRAM" #5 CLOSING CO~PDI~ WILSON: Jack wlll be back in just a minute, but first a word to you smak~rs who are loaking for better taste In ~ cigarstte. Better ~ste, friends, is the prime concern of tbe m~kere of Lucky Strike. Th~t'~ why a Lucky Is made of fine good-testing tobacco that's toasted to taste even better. Yes, better taste begins with fine, light, mild tobacco...good-t~stlng tobacco. And then that tobacco is toasted. "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- brings Luckies' fine tobacco to its peak of flavor ... tones up this naturally good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So, make your next carton Lucky Strike and Be ~appy, Go Lucky. "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, ITRANBCRI~: OLLINS AND Lucky Strike is the b~nd to get. FULL CALYPSO VERSION CF ITIS TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, SONG-37 s~c. ) it's the toasted (CLAp ... CLAP, CLAP) clg-a-rette. They take fine tobacco, it's ~ tobacco, It's mild tobacco, too. Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S ~OASTED because the toasting brings the flavor right through. (MC~) ~TH01 0020048
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T}~ AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY "T}~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM" #5 CLOSING COmmeRCIAL (CONT'D) C 0LL~NS : (CONT'D) SO, to get better taste from your clg-e-~tte, Lucky Strike is the brand to get2 IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste ~et, It's the toasted (CIAp ... CLAP, CLAP) clg-a-ret te !" -D- BA ~T~01 00200~9
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( Ao) ROGH: JACK: ROOH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: (APPLAUSE -24- (SOUND: DOOR 0PEES) WHO'S THAT? It's me, Rochester. BOSS, YOU'RE H0~ EARLY. DIDN'T THEy HAVE A ~COND I~ATUB~ AT T~ DBIV~-IN? Yes, but most of the people left. ~LL, THAT D~SN'T MA~ ANY DIFFS~NOE, TH~y'~ SUPPOSED TO SHOW IT ANYWAy. I know, but in the middle of the thlrd r~el, the projectionist committed sulolde ..... Goodnlght Rochester, I'm golng to bed. AND ~SIC) DY PtTMO 1 0020050
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f C Ao) DON: -25- The Jsck Benny Peogrsm tonight wss written by Ssm Bsrrln, Milt Josefsberg, George B~Izer, John Tsckeberry, A1 Gordon, Hal Goldmsn, snd produced end trsnscribed by Hillisrd Msrks. Ths Jsck Benny Feogrsm is brought to you by Lucky Strike, pro0uot of the AmerlcBn Tobacco Corny .... Amerlce.s leadlug ~uufscturer of clg~rettes. DY IST~OI 0020051
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(~.B.N. 4) REVISED SCRIPT AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY u~EY S~n~ THE JACK BE~ PROGRAM SUNDAY, 00TOB~ ~i, i~4 OBS 4:00 - 4:~0 PM PST (Trsnscribsd -Sept. 18, 1954) 0AST: JACK BENNY ROCHESTER ~NNIS DAy DON WILSON THE SpORTS~N QUARTET ~L BLANC I~IS A~IAN SANTA GOULD JOE NEAR~6 BEA BENED&~ET JEANETTE EYM~NN BR 4~ RTM01 0020052
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TEE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY JA PR RAM OPENING COM~RCIAL: WILSON: (TRANSCRIBED) FULL HIT PARADERS VERSION OF SONG 39 SEC. ) WILSON: DY -A- THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ... trsnscribed and presented by L~cky Strike, the clgerette thet'B toasted to t~ste better! If you went better tsste from your clg-8-rette, Strike is the brand to get: IT'S TOASTED to give you the best teste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) clg-8-rette' They take fine tobacco~ it's ~ tobscco, it's mil~ tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the tossting brings the flavor right through. So~ to get better taste from your CiK-B-r~tte, Lu~ Strike is the branO to get! IT'S TOAS~D to give you the best t~ste yet, It's the toaste_~d (CLAP, ... CLAP, CI~P) cig-~-r~tte~ This is Don Wilson. Yoa know, thst song tells en important story to smokers. Simply, it's this: Luckies taste better. First beo~ase Lucky Strike mesns fine tobsc¢o... Bud then this fine tobacco is toested~ ~, the fine, mild good- testing tobacco ~n every Lucky is toasted to teste even better. C ~40~ ) RT~01 0020053
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~ A~RIOAN TC~AOCO CO~A~'Y JACK BEI~ PROGRAM ~o OP~NING CO~RCIAL (CONT,D) w n~. om tCONT'D) -B- "IT'S TOASTED" -- the femous Lucky Strike process -- brings Imckiesl fine tobecco to its very peek of flevor ... tones up this neturelly good-tBstlng tobscco to meke it tsste even better. Clesner, fresher, smoother. So next time you buy cigarettes, meke it e certon of hetter-testing Lucky StriKe. Be Hsppy -- Go Lucky: DY I RTH01 0020054 L
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/ (FI~T ROUTINE) (AFI~R OOM~g~SOIAL, MUSIC UP ADD DOWN) DON: THE LUOEX STRIKE PROGHAM, STABBING JAOK BENNY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCBESTHR, DENNIS DAy, BOB OROSBY, AND '~OURS TRULy" DON WILSON. {ApplAUSE..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: lADIES AND GENTLK~N, TONIG}~ JACK BENNY DOES ANOTHER OF HIS ~GDIAR T.V. SHOWS O~R THE C.B.S. h~I~;ORK..B~T THIB 15 THE BALLOWE 'EN SEASON..AND HALLOWE tEN IS SYNONOMOUS WITH FO~ WHE~R YOU LIVE IN 5EVERIX HILLS, BRSSELY~, SIODX CITY OR PORTlAND... LET '0 GO BACK TO IAST yEAR, TEE DAy .~_~TER }~LLOWF~E, AND g~ WHAT WENT Og IN THE JKCK BE~R~ KOUS~--~.OLD. JACK: Oh, Rochester, Has Don Wilson come over yet? ROOH: YES, SIR, .}~'S WAITING D~R YOU IN TBE DEN. JACK: Good..You know, I also called Dennis and told him to be over..is be here? ROOH: NO, SIR..HE PHOneD AND SAID HEJD BE A LITTLE LATE. JACK: That's funny, Dennis is always on time...I w~nder what delay6~l him? ROCH: BE SAID THAT IAST NIGHT WAS E~LLOWE'EN AND SOB KIDS TOCK T~ WKEELS OFF H~S BICYCLE. JACK: H~mm..well, why dinlt he take the Su~set b~? ROCk: T~Y TOOK TBE }~vLS OFF THAT, T00! JACK: Well, that's what Dennis gets for llv~ng in that kind of a nelghborhood...I'm glad the kids a~ouod here sreoTt that rowdy. BM ~TMO~ 0020055
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POOH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ~0CH: JACK: KOCH: JACK: ROOH: JACK: JACK: J&OK: JACK: JACK: DON: ~L: 2M ~, TOO, BOSS. By the way, Rocbeste~..go out and take the bathtub off the froot porch and put it back iw the house aga$~...W~ll, what are you w~Itlng for..tske the bath tub off the froot porch. oKAY, BUT T~AIN'T MUCH GAS !N THE CAR. Gas in the c~r? Whatls that got to do with it? FRONT PORCH IS IN pASADENA. What? AND FASADENA IS IN POMONA. ~,~top being sill~ and do what I tell you. YES, SIR. ~ I'm gadngdl~the library~talk toDon. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) (SINGS) Shine on, shine o~, harvest moon, up in the sk~.. I ain't had ~- (SOUND: FOoTSTEpS STOP) Oh oh..I better hide those bi~Ncl~ ~heel% DenDis i~ liable to get sore...I'll p~t them in the closet. (SOU~:~ CLOSET DOOR OPENS..pAUSE, THEN CLOSES.. FOOTEEPS C D~TI~'UE ) (SINGS) I aln't had Do lovin' since January, February, JuDe, or July..La la..Hmm..the other months weren't so good either...Oh well. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) Hi, a, ~. ~ Hello, Jack. Hello, Jsck, Hello, Jack, ($QUAWX & WHISTLES) ~THOI 0020056
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-7- JACK: No no, P y4.Nou re supposed to call me '~3~". DON: b~Walt a minute, Jack...isn,t that ~'little silly..havlng a parrot call you daddy? JACK: I don't think so, Don..After all, I take care of her, feed her, talk to her, and I was the ono who nursed her wben she was sick. DON: Polly was sick?. JACK: Terribly sick. MEL: (DOES A WEAK, SICKLY SQUAWK) JACK: No oo,^~ly..you're over it now. (SOUND: ~CEIVER UP) JACK: Hello. DENNIS~ello, Mr. Benny, this is Dennis. JACK:C~, Hello, Dennis, we're waitin~ for you. What's taking you so long? DENNIS : JACK: DENNIS : JACK: DE~IS : JACK: I couldn't get a taxi. Oh. $o my mother's drlviog me over in her steam roller. Your mother?..l thought it was your Uncle Herman that drove the ~team roller. Not anymore. Why, what happe~mi? BM F~T~O 1 0020052
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-~ &5- E~NNIS: Well, yesterday somethID4 was wrong with the front roller, so he get out to look 8t it, and some kids played the Hallowe 'an trick. JACK: Dennis, that's terrible...wherels your Uncle now? I~NNIS: Well, you know that white llne that runs down the middle of Wilshire boulevard? JAOK: Uh huh, ~NNIS: The dark part of it is Uncle Hermsn. passed here this mornlng. I~NNIS: Didn't he look thin? JACK: Oh, he~ up and get ever h~r%k.~<~_~ ~" I~NNIS: Yes s~r. !soo~D: ~OED~a DOWN) JACK: What a kid..He gets sillier every dey...l remembe~ once he c elled~ u~-dm--- M~L: (SERIES OF FRIGHTENED SQUAWES AND CRYING) JACK: DON, STOP EATING POLLY'S CRACk...FOR HEAVENS S~. DON: I was just plcklng them up to feed to her. DON: ~ J~Ck, how io~ do perrot~ live? JACK: Oh, ~ long time, Don...some of them live for year~ end ~eer8o DON: How old is this one? JACK: Sixty-three...snd she's still got all her feathers. I DON: That's more than yo can ss . (SOUND: FR0?~ RINGS) (~. BR ATHO? 0020058
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-6- & -7- / JACK: Rochester..viii you answer1|5 please. BOCH: YES, SIR. (~UND: NEOEn~R UP) ROCH: JACK BE~rNY'S }~BIDENCE, STAR OF STAGE, SCHEEN, RADIO, TELEVISION, AND WIIL SELL TWO BICYCLE WHEE!~ AT RIDICL%0USLY IOW PRICES__. DENNIS: Hello, Rochester, this is Dennis. pleese tell Mr. -~P_,lu~z~t~_ (TA~) Hey, what did you say about two bicycle wheels? ROCH: 0H~3H...ME VELLy $0LLY...YOU ~AVEE LONG NL~iA..MAYBE YOU ~VE BIZTTER LUCK BY ~M BY..S0 LONG EGG F0O YI~G. DENNIS: Looheste,~, Loohestep, I tly talkee to Loohester ~ ~llee ~. times I talkee to Chines boy. ROCH: S0 SOLLY, NO LOCHESTER..NOBLODY ~RE EXCEPT US CHOP SUEYS CHOP CHOP..GL00DBYE pLEASE. JACK: ROC~STW~R, GIVE ME THAT TELEPHONE..Hello, who is this? DENNI~Hello, Mr. Benny..this is Dennis, and Hochsster said you had a pair of bicycle wheels that--- JACK: SO solly long numbla, goodbye. DENNIS.: Mr. Benny, Mr. Benny .. JACK: Dennis, let's stop thls klddi~g~.vh--~ a--~;~ DENNIS: Well, I'm in a music store., i dropped in to buy py ~Like Being In Love.'* i ~ of a Song I'm going to do on Sunday..It' led "AIi~ost JACK: 0h~e~ heard that song./2~Does It have a good JACK: Dennis,the song...Ho~ d it go? nTH01 0020059
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........ fr JACK: /Yes yes. DENNIS: ut what about the bic e wheel~. JACK: Jus sing the Son will you please? DEI~tIS 0~. JACK. 0potato ~t=ToT~_~ead, Dennis. -8. ,i BM ~TH01 0020060 i
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JACK: D~NIS: JACK: D~NIS: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: -9- D___i_, U~ .-=.:j Z.~ll..Believe me, kid if you'd only take ~ advice and stop talking silly all the time, and just sing, you'd really go pisces. NO I won't. Why not? I've got no ~heels on ~ bicycle.' Oh, goodbye. (S0UND: RECE~ DOWN) You know, Don, sometimes I don't know why I waste my time talking to that kid. 0h,-lIBIs oksy...~ speaking of wasting tlme~.I've been here&nearly a half hour and you still haven't told made-you wanted me to come over,~t~u. Oh yes,.Don, it's about the quartet The Sportsmen? ¢Ouo yes.~,I've been thinking this over seriously for quite aicnE time now, and I've finally made up my mind ...I'm going to fi~e them. Fi~e ~hem? But Jack, they're one of the best singing grcu~s in the country. I'll admit that...but they never sing wbmt I want them to..They're always singing crazy songs and embarrassing me...~hey have no mespect for me.~-he other day ~hen I asked -~ praotieelly begged them to do a certein tune -~ I think the baritone called me s dirty name. You think! Yes~ who knows what "b/~ ~ ~ ~" ~ans?. , . And anyway, Don, I want you to come with me to s lawyer because you're the one who's r~sponsible for them. I=ITH01 0020061
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/ , -1C- DON: Jack, you don't have to go to your lawyer. JACK: Yes, Z do~..I want him to break their contract. DON: But you don't have enough reasons to five them. JACK: yes~ I have. DON~ But theyrre ~onderful 81nger8,~ they're very popular~ too~ (~They have a lot of fa~s~Tn fact, plenty of people tune into yo~ prog~am just to he~r them, not you~ JACK~ ~hat~s another reaBo~Bel~eve me~ DON k~ don't be hasty..Why don't you give them another chance? JACK: Well...l don't llke to fire people..~ct, d~rlng my entlre career in sho~ bus=tn~ss ~ ~ flrea anyooay. DON: ~ , ,, . ~hat about that bald-headed ~rlter you used to have..you fired him, dldnlt you? JACK: No, I d~dn't..I stopped paying hlm his salary and after a couple oz~ years ha qolt..That's all that happened. DON: Well, hSs partner didn't quit and he's not ~Ith yoz any more. JACK:~)E~I,He starved to death..But Don..If I give the Spoptsmen another their ~ays. ~ ........ . ~, chance, Eo you think they'll mend ~ =~ ~ ~ tolk to the° j- JACK!L~II right..then let's forget about it. ~ (~,~,~.~q~ p~,~.~o~ ~ ~,,~ ~c~ ~,~ c~-~ ~o along, JACK: Oh..Whe-~e are you goins~ ~c~w-~ h~ DON: ~ No~;here in partic~la~..I'll p~obabl~ d~op in, the drugstore for some ivneh. JACK: Say, I'~hungry, too ...... ~u~--- _ _-.. '~ = ~ n~ ...... (CALLS) OH, ROCHE~TLR. Roe}[: (COMING ZN) yES, MR. BElfrY. RTH01 0020062
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M~. Wilson and I ~ould like a little lunch,' year at that time. Look, nochester..you can turn it back ong~in~..M~. Wilson and I are goiDg to have luDoh at the dpug Stope..Come CO, Don. DON: Okay, Jack. (TRANSITION ~SIC) DON: .Well,k~qere's the drug store. (SOUND: DOOR OP]~S..TI BELL. ) JACK: }~m: ~ii the tables~ taken..Let's get those t~o stools at th~ end of ~ counter. DON: But there are t~o right here, Jack. JACK: Oh yes...I,ll see If ~e can have them. JACK: Oh, waitress..~aitress. IRIS: Whedd~ ya ~ant, Mac? JACK: A~e these two stools available? IRIS: No, they're reserved for the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. JACK: 4~..Come On, Don, let's sit down. IRIS: ~hadda ya ~aona eat? h,^, JACK:~I haven t made up my mind yet...b~tte~ tame my frlen~'s order first. What'll you have, Don? DON: I can't make my mlnd up either. GH I~THO'I 0020063
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-19- JACK: Miss better look at a menu..IMve you got a menu? IRIS: Here. JACK: Nov let me see. IRIS: Don't beod it, itts the onl,y one ~e got. JACK: Look, Zlm not -- IRIS: And stop drooling ~. there's nothing on ~ that good~ JACK: ~..Look, Miss, all I ~ant is a chicken sandwich. DON: I'll have the same. IRIS: Okay, I'll be bac~ ~$th the grub In a minute. DON: You kmow, Jack, l~can t understand hm~ a giPl llke her can hold a job here. JACK: oinoto, oo.. oo,t bo,.- oo hed a tough time of It...Do you kno~ that she used to be a big star on Broadway. DON: Really? ;_~_, JACK: ~-).fo~'th~lee years she played the tithe role in ~haVoicp.~,~h~ JACK: ~thought maybe ~e'd ~Yrop over et the Oinegrill at the ROOSe-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-~V -~el an~ee Frankie Rem lee~.,~D~--h~ or/chestra.kk\ DON: Oh yes . .}{~ d~~leedIp~ the ban(l? • JACK: Well ..~e on the flo-~5~i~ his baton, he looks llke i k, there and--f .... DON: Oh, excuse me a minute, Jac~,.~ The Sportsmen a~e sitting over the~e. ~ACK~.~ Where? GH ~T~01 0020064
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-13- DON:~,Over~n~n ~e corner. I want to talk to them a minute. JACK: Well, remember, Dbr~gi~ them a wa~nlng about what I said. DON: I'ii talk to them about it. JA~A~(~0~D~ FOOTSTEPS FADING OFF) SINGS) Shine on, shine one; harvest moon..up in the sky. • IRIS: Hey, Mac, you want milk to drink with your sandwich, don't you? JACK: ~..how did you know? IRIS: Our coffee would knock you~6ff that stool. JACK: All right, ell right..~ust bring the milk. DON: (~LTG~TLY 0PF)~ ~e~c~s, please..do yourselves a favor... take ~ advlce..don't sing that song for Jack..(COMING CLOSe) .... This is nelther the time nor the place. hC~', ~ t~!SOUth: APPROACHING F,~0TST~S) . O.L~.~ DON:~OR) Fellows..I'm telling you..,for your own good. JACK: What's the mattered? DON: They want to si~g s ~w ~umber for you. JACK: Here! In the drug store..I should say not..It would be embarrassing. DON:I told you, fallows. JACK: You see, Don, they won't listen to anybody...That's why I ~ant to fire them. But Jack, the)- clsim tbet this is a very beauti-~l song. C • , don't - - - - rx¢~O Boys, he's mad at you anyway..11~l~ you better not c&~.c~4q, ~ D0~: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: ha dc: Boys, hold it..hold it, ~ ~ ~O~, RT~O? 002006~
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,q .... DY QUART: MARTY: ~.i~..J~~" QUART : MA!q~f ~ QUART: -i3A- L~ COULD ~ A DP~M S~ ~OM IF I COULD TAKE YOU UP IN PAEADISE You~E I,M T~ O~Y 0~ ~HAT YOU LO~ LIFE (~b~1~ BE A DREAM, ~HF.A~I~, HELLO, HELLO AGAIN~ "~ ~ A~ HOPING WE'LL MEET AGAIN OH L~FE COULD ~A DREAM, SHA BOOM ~k~ ~ ~ IF ONLy ALL MY PRECIOUS PLANS WOULD COME TRUE, ~ ~T~ IF YOU WOULD I~T ME ~PEND MY W~OI~ L~F~ ~ N0U AND HOPING WE'LL MEET AGAIN ~u~ COULD BE I'M DP~AMING, SWEET}~ART. C~--~ EVERY T~E I LOOK AT yOU SOMETHING IS ON MY MIi~D ~A DA DA DR DO0 YOU DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO C~.X9 LIFE COULD BE A DREAM, SHA BOOM ~c e ~c~.<~ v~t SF~ BOOM ~I"MO? 0020066
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DY / BABA..~BABA BA BA SH~.'BOOM SHA BOOM. ~THO~ 002006?
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the last straw..~, I ~arned you that If they~, --- DON: But Jack, I tri~.~- - JA~KY~w'~..I" ~6 a- ~eguy-~ gave them another chance.. DON: Jack,~if you'd only -- JACK: I don't want to hear any more about It~iI'm going to call a lawyer right no~ and we'll o over there and see if I can break ~y contract wltn artet..~ome on, Don. DON; Is this the lawyer s office, Jack? JACK: Yeah..Joseph S. Kea~ns, Attorney at Law..Let's go in. (SOU~: DOOR OPENS) JACK: pardon me, Miss, I'd like to see Mr. Kearns. SA~DY: (BROOKL~.{ DAME[ Doyou have an appe~ntment? JACK: ~fWell, I -- ~,ha~? k-~q~<-~07_~.~ <_~b~ ~ !'.~0.~ SANDY: Do you have an apprntment? JACK: Yes, I hav____ee an appolnt~ent. SANDY: What? JACK: I said I have a~ ~. ~DY: What? JACK: An apperntment. Oh, go right io. JACK: (SOUND: FRW FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) ,i, i GH ;° ~T~01 0020068
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-15- KFARNS: (ON P~ONE) Now look, Mr. Smith, I'm a busy man..I csn,t / stay on this phone all day. I told you I ~onrt settle this case for less than fifty thousand dollars. I'm sorry, Mr. Smith.~k~hat s ~p to you, Mr. Smith. Goodbye. JACK:O~ Hello, Mr. Kearns. KF~S: How do you do, Mr. Smith. JACK: No no~ny .~¢Jac~zenny. KF~NS: Oh, yes yes..please forgive me, It's jost that I've been so busy lately and have so many things on my mind. JACK:~, I understand, Mr. Kearns...I'd llke you to meet Don Wilson. KE~S~(,HO~ do you do, M~. Wilson. DON: How do you do. KFARNS: Er..h~ven,t we met before? DON: I don't think so. KEARNS: That's funny, your name Is so familiar. I Weeps running through my mind..Smith, Smith, Smlth. JACK: No no, his neme is Wilson. K~S: Oh~ yes ~es..ho~ stupid of me, ~ name is Smith. JACK: No ~ Smith was on the telephone. ~FARNS: hat happened to Benny? j.~C~ ~ ~ ~B~y7 ~B~U -- I~NS: Oh yes. No~, ~hat can I do for you? JACK: Well, Mr. Kearns, what I came to see you about ~-- KEARNS ~ardon me. -~O~Z.' '~JSOUND: RFCEIV~R UP) KK~RNS: yes?(.i.Oh..well, send them right in. GH RT~01 0020069
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/ KFARNS: Thls ~on't take long. c~3e. (SOUND: KE~RNS: COME I[% -16- It seems to be very urgent, .A domestic LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR) DOOR OP~S) MEt: Mr. }[earns, I want ~-- BFA: I'LL DO THE TALKING AND YOU KEEP yOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT. ME~: MY BIG MOUTH..your LIPS COULD BE STREtCHeD 0V~R A pIANO STOOL. KEARNS: No~ now, we can settle thls ~Ithout harsh words. BFA: THAT R$ OKAY WITH ME. I WANNA DIVORCE TZ{IS J~d~. KEARNB: Very well, but you'll need grounds. BFA: IF I ~>/) THAT, I'D BurY HIM. ME~: OH, YFAH? BEA : YFAE. Y~NS:P!ease..please..let's not resort to that. what are your na~les again? BFA & M~L: ~,~. A~D ~,~S. KRAUSME~. KE~qNS: Very ,~ell, I'll file the application..Goodbye. (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) KFARNS: No~l geuting back to you. What did you come to see me about? DON: Well, you see-- JACK: Wait a minute, Dou~ Itll tell hlm....M~. Kearns, as I started to say -- Oh yes~ I remember, You t~o wanted a divorce. No ~o, thatls ~[rous~oye?. confused with M~, and M~S. KFARNS: JACK: KEARNS.~,Of course, of course..I had you Wilson who just left. DON: I'm Mr. Wilson. ,~ GH ~TH01 002 O0 ,'~0
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~-~ .......... -17- EEARNS: Oh, yes yes, then youlre Mr. Krsusmeyer. 3ACK: ~; No, I ~m Smlth--I ~ean, ~enny; ~ ~" ~ARNS: Oh yes..k~eJ~'~~het's on your mind? JACK: ~fell, I've got s quertet on ~y rsdlo prggrem ~nd I'~ ~EARNS: U~,~i% looks like an iron-ols¢ es~eement...but...I've ~____ 8 very clever idea. /2-- . You can breek the ooutract? JACK: . oh, I m sorry. uP) E~ARNS: yes?... 14hst?J~d, ~oc4..send ~hem in. }~ARNS: It's ths~ coupl~ who w~re Just in here fo~ s ~Ivoro~. Mr. end Mrs. KSs~nS. JACK:~O your neme is ~srns. EE~RNS.~ ,I--~an Mr, end Mrs. Wilson. DON: ~nelr ~e Is Krsusme~r, KK~Pd~3: Oh yes..Thenk you, Mr. Smith. JACK: ~. RT 01 00200 1
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-18- DON.~j Jack, isn't this the lawyer who pleaded s ease end got the Jury so confusedAt~nt the ~ up for twenty years? Oh, so you reed about it, Huh? E~ARNS: JACK:. ~ARNS: Reed shout it: Ss~eS. (SOUND: COM~ IN. (SOUND: I tho~ht he made up e ~ocK oN ~ooR) DOOR OPENs) Joke...for heavens BEA: Come, dollfece, carry ms over the th*~shold. MEL: No, lover, you carry me..you.re stronger. B~A: Okay.. ups-e-daisy. MEL: T[hoops, not SO high, I'Ii get s nose bleed. KEARNS~Come come, I'm e busy m~n, 8re you sure your minds ere to, de up? BEA: ,~. Me and Porflrlo 0on't ~ent ~01vorce.~ S~9-1%u~~0 KEAR : , I won t file the epplleetlon..snd good luck to~u~o/um~ BEA: Thank you. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) KE~RNS: Now where wer~ we? JACK: New ple-se~:plesse, ~%~--~8~-~6~4--~y more ~ims. ~'s the frame. Jack B~nny. This is Mr. ~.;llson, Mr. and Mrs. Kreusmeyer Just left, you're Kearns, and ~Ith wee on th~ phone. Now tell me, Mr. Ksarns, you said you knew how to break t'.-~ contract with my qus~tet,%Ho~w ~re you ~oir~ to do it? E~ARNS: Now let's see..Since you'r~ suing them for f~fty thousand dollars, we can -- RF 8TK01 00200?2
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=. ~ "t2""~:: J T ,r~i-- ............. ..o, .... = t .i~ "" -19" JACK: I'm not suing them for fifty thousand dollars' EEARNS: Oh yes, that was Krsus~eyer. JACK: That wss Smith on the p~1one: ~ARNS: UelI, whet ere you doing here? JACK: I don't ~r...sll I know is I had sn eppe~ntment. D~ ~ -- sppointment. ~ARNS: Oh yes..you came in here about e quartet.. I remember now.. you came in with thl8 men here..Mister..er. ~M~eter. ,er.. DON: Eeglebottom. JACK: Don...~, Mr. . n~" quer~e~,~yOS/'~o break that contr~ct~It is on your desk, ~-ARNS: Oh, thot one. I'm sorry, but that contract Is unbreakable. You heven.t got e chance. So I edvlse you, as a lawyer --- (SOUND: B~NGING ON DOOR) JACK: O~I New whet. ~ARNS: COMZ IN. (SOUND: DOOR 0P~NS) B~A: IIM GONNA DIVOR~ YOU IF IT'S ~r~ LAST THINO I DO, YOU SPONGE~EAD: MEL: THAT'S GRATITUI~ FOR yOU. AFT~R I'/E J.~l~ Ir~P~, I CARRIED YOU ALL TI~ UAY DO%,~ THE HALL SO YOU WOLrLDN'T TIRE YOUR BIG FLAT F~ET. BEA: ~r~LL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DROP ~ ~OWN THAT IADN~RY CHUTe. JA Cjl don't mean to get into this, .but. .we ,re on the twelfth floor,.and you dropped your wife down ths laundry chute? BEA: I HIT BOTTOM LIKE A SACK OF W~ WASH~ MEL: WITH YOUR SHAPE, HOW ~ COULD YOU HIT? RF RTH01 0020023
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-20" BEA: ~EARNS: BEA : ~, ~. ~ARNS.--- I've got the epplicstions right here. GOOD, ~,LL S~E YOU IN COURT..GOO~YE. (~YJ~: DOOR SLOE) Gee.thet's s sheme..~ they're such s nice couple. Oh, I wouldn't worry 8bout them..this h88 ~een goin~ on for twenty yesrs°.They'll get beck together..But I sm we ed bout the children JACK: ChiYdren? EXARNS~Yes..thet's the tregedy of divorce..who's going to toke e~re of the little ~nes~ JACK: }Mm..~nd I think I here troubles...~, Keerns, I'm gled I drgDped into your offloe todgy. Y~ ~ot 8 blg home..8 butler..s sw~Ing pool. And I'm going to do something thst'l! Hmke me heppy, too. I'm going to have their children come home end live with me until their psr~nts mske up thelr mlnds. ~osh, thst's the noblest thing you've ever dome, M~. K~usmeyer. ~.~RNS: Yes, itrs s wonderful thlng..end from now on the children ere your responsibility. JACK:b-~,G ood Ezod, KEARNS: And tb~ children ere here..right in the next office. JACK: ~, ~y I see the little rsscsls now? K~A~NB~jYou certainly m~y. Go right in. A JACK: Thsnk y~u. ~SOUND: DOOR OF~NS) JAOK: You...you're the children? RF ~TH01 00200?4
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I I ~1 I p -21-- RF ATN01 00200F5
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TI~ A~OAN ,TOBACCO C0~PANY -C~ DON: Jack will be back in Just a minute to tell you about his telvision show that goes on immediately after this program on the CBS Network, But first I'd llke to say eomething important to you clgarette smokers. Jack will be back in just a minute, to tell you about hie televislon show that goes on at seven o'clock over the CBS Television Network, but first, I'd llke to say something important to you cigarette smokers. ~hen you llght up a Lucky, you can be sure you'll get the better taste you w~nt. Thet's because a Lucky is toasted to taste better. Of course, the ~ of better taste is fine tobacco. I~/~T - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. An~ then ... IT'S TOASTED! That's the famous Lucky Strlke process that brings Luckie8 fine tobacco to its peak of flavor ... tones it up to make thl8 n~turslly go_od._-hustlng tobacco taste even hetter. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, that!s why Luckies taste better. It,s the cigarette of fine tobacco and It's Toasted: So remember ... ( Tm~SCRIaED ) FULL }LIT pAPADE~" VE~ SONG -- 39 SEC. ) if~-^u want better taste from your ci6-a ~bte, Lucky Str&ke is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAp ... CLAP, CLAP) clg-a-rette. RT~01 0020026
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T~ ~C~3 TO~CCO O~ -D- 39 C0~ 'D. They take fln.__~e ~o~c¢o~ it's ~ tobacco, it's to~cco, it,s mil..~d to~cco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASt, because t~ to~at£n~ bz~u~s the f~vo~ z~ht th~u~h. SO to get better taste fr~ your clg-8-rette ~c~ StVlke ie the b~nd to ~et' IT,S TOASTED to give you the best taste yett It,s the toasted (CLAP ... CIAp, CIAP) clg-a-~tte.' • i l BM RTX01 0020077 ,p
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[~ 11 ....... JACK: ROCH: RF t. l,# I~T,WO'i 002007'8
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i
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m / • (J.Bm.3) pl~Ol~ #7 Oco CO P S~Ay, NO~ 7, 195~ 0B5 4:00 - 4130 ~ PST (Trsusorlb~d -Nov. 9, 1952) CAST ~ Jmok Benny Mary Liviogstoue Bob Orosb~ Dennis Day Rochester Don Wilson Sportsmen Quartet Mel Bl~uc Sam Seato Frank Nelson iris Adrian ~D~y Rubin Bea Benedaret erH01 0020080
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T~EHEA~IOAN T0~0O0 00~PA~ JAOK BE~ PROGRAM #T ~OVE~ 7, 1954 WII~ON: THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ... transorihsd an0 presented by L~EK~ 8TR~E .,. the cig~rette thet's ~ to taste betterJ (TRA~ORm~O) FULL ORCH: "If you want better taste from you~ olg-e-rette, Luokv ~ is the brand tq get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet Itls the toes~ (CLAp ... CLAp, CLAp) cig-a-rette.~ They take fine tobacco, i~rs ~j~ tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then IT'8 TOASTED, ~es, IT,S TOAST~, because the toasting brines the flavor right through. So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette ~ is the brand to get: IT'S TOASTED to give you the hast taste yet, Itls the ~ (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP)elg-e-~stte.' WILSON: Friends, this is Don Wilson ... there's no doubt sbout it' {SLOWLy, WITH EMPHASIS) If you want ~ f~om your oigsrette - Lucky ~ is the bre~ to get. It,s toasted to testa better. Naturally, Luokles' better taste begins Just where you'd e_~ it to begin. With fine tobacco. LS~T - Lucky Strike ~sns fine tub@coo. And then -- that tobacco is t ~s~. "IT'S TOJ~T~D" -- the f~ous'Luek~,Strike process -- tones up Luckles netur~lly good-test~n~ tGbeooo to meke it taste even better. RTK01 0020081
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I T~ ~ICAN TQBACCO COMPANY N0VE~ 7, 19~ OPENING C~01AL C0~I~. WILSON: Oleener, Fresher, SmOother. SO next time ... get better taste, Get Lucky Strlke. (TRANSCRIBED C0LUn~WITH ~ORCH. B,G,) If you want better tsste from~our o~-e-~ette, c~St_~is the brend to get~ IT'S TOASTED to 8ire you the best teste ~e~, It's the ~ (C~P ... cLAp, CLAp) olg-e-retteJ i! -1 r I • P~ ~w er,'¢ol 0020082
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~r -I- ~APT~R CO~a~OIAL, MUSIC UP AND IX~N) DON: THE LUCKY STR~ PR0CaAM, STARRING JACK BE~y..WITH M~aY LIVINGBT0~E, R00HEeTER, I~NNIS DAY, BOB CR06BY, AND '~0~%~ T~trLY" DON WILSON. (AppLAUSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: lADIES AND ~N~IF~E~, LET'S GO BAOK TO YESTgeDAYo.,A HALF HOUS BEFORE ~EAReAL. JACK HAS ~OPFKD IN AT THE CORNER USUSST~..,A~) AT TS~ M0~NT WE FIND H~4 SITTING AT THE COU~TER READING A ~WSPA~, (SOUND: a~s~/~ OF I~fSpAPER) JACX~' Pi~, hopers sn intex~stIxlg item. According to 8 Netlon81 Stzevey, in twenty ~e~8 Cellfo~ni8 will be %be n~mbep Or~8 stste...LOs Angeles will be the number one olty. This 8ntiolpetlon of industri81 gyowth h~s mode ~be Oit~ of Los Angeles very sm~. Hm, look st the wsy they spell sm~ - S, M, 0, G...No no, they ~_~ spell it S,M,U,G... T wonder what m8kes my eyes water llke that...Anyway, I think it's wondemfUl thet -- IRIS: Do you wsnna orde~ now? JACK: Huh? ISIS: You'v~ been sitting on thet stool fop ten minutes. JAOK:~;I'm wsltinE for someone. Nell, don~t w~Inkle up tbet newspaper o~ we~ll ~ve~ be eble to sell it, (SOUND: RUSTLE OF N~pAPER) J~CK: RM RTHO~ 0020083
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%" -2- JACK: I wonder how -- Hm, here fs an article thetis hard to believe. A famous e0ientist claims that it won't be i~ bef~e people will be livlr~ on the ~O~n, Hey, that gives me en idea for a Joke for my radio program. If people live on the moon, prices will be Sky hi~a. (S~LLY LAUGH) Hey, that's a good Joke, I heSter write it down. Say Miss, do you have a pencil? IRIS: I heard it, don't hgther. JACK: ~- I didn't 8sk for on opinion. I've been s blg rsdio stsr for twenty years, end when it o~mes to Jokep I know what I'm doing. ~IS: Look, l've got othe~ customers. D~ yon war.us order now? JACK: I told you I'm waiting fo~ someone. ~IN: If you,re trying to make me Jeeloua, forget it: JACK: Y,m net trying to make you Jealous..sr~ sr~wey, e fine waitress you are..l,ve been elttlng here f~ fifteen mlnutes~ you didn't even brhug me a ~less of water. IRIS: Ok~, okay. JACK: Hm, ~ thinks shots smart. I ~idn't llke her when she wee e brunette. ~. I don't know whyishe elways ~Ss to pick on ~-- ~ ~ BOB: (FADING IN) ~ , Jsok. JAOK: O~i ~, Bob, Bob C~oShy..,l've been waltlng for you.. Sit down° BOB : ~Qj Thanks, IRIS: Do you wanna order now? Pa eta01 0020084
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JACKt ~RIS: JACK: IRIS: BCB : ~RIS: JACK~ -3- @r...yes yea. Now look, Miss, I'll bsve 8 olub eendwich and here,s the way I went it made. I went it on white breed, slightly toasted, I want the bacon ezld tomato in the lower half an the chicken e~/~ the lettuce Lu the Upper half, tr~m the orusta, cut it in three parts end put o alice of pickle on the top. Km~.~*?What about ~ou, Bob? Well Jack on't know. I'm not too hvr~ry right I now..but~then egain,.Oh, Miss -- Ye ah? Is it ell right if I take something out? Are you kld~lu,, I'~l go ge~ my bat ~ co~t° He didn't ~een that: Look, Bob, while yo~ere dccldir~ on whet ~ou want, I,mgolng ove~ to the dr~ counter to ~et some razor bla~es. ~r RT~OT 002008~
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%/ -7- Okay, Jack. BOB: Well, let me see...ms, be I ~houl~ eat somethlng here... then I hungry. M~Y: [FADING IN iio, Bob. BOB: Well, Mary, sit down. MARY: I thought Jack was here. BOB: 3, Ha is, he went ove~ to the drug counter to ~uy 8dine razor blades. BOB: Whet are you lacgh~ag at, Mary? MARy: Jack is the only man I know who hoe e single edge razor end buys double edBe blades. BOB: What does he do that for? MARY: Ha cuts them in half. :; world who gets his Oental floss retreaded. MARY: Jeok does have his peculiarities, but he ~ sweet, end he tries so har~. I'ii never forget the fi~t time I went OUt with him. When he e~lled for m~, I opened the door, and there he stood with the biggest orchid I ever sac. ~T,'~O [ 0020086
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BCB: MARY: An OPOb/td, eh? It w~s SO b~autlful T m~ h~ buy ~ 0~, tOO, don't tell him I told 3ou. DON: (~AD~ IN) "Oh, Dcnzy. DON: Wheee ' s Jack? for him. B(8: MARy:U~, JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: IRIS: DON: JACK: :IRIS: (W~IED) Mary -- Bob -- where's Jack? The Sportsmen Quartet and I are lOokir~ Oh~ he's here, he ~ust 8tapped over there to buy some rozor blades Kere ~18 comes ~iow,~ (FADIhD IN) WelL..everybOdy's here. (~LAD) Jack, the ~portsmen and I have k~en weltln~ fo~' you et the studlof,you kI*gw they had 8 reooP~r~ d8%e. Oh, yes, I forgot. Don, I know they're in a hurz-#, so lStIS go back to the studlo and I'll b~8~ the ooN~ne~otal balers they go. But, Jack, they haven't ~ot the time. the7 hsvenlt eat~n yet, and they're henley, ~,'nat'll you hove, bo~s? B~t Don, I've got to hear the commerclal. Boys, I haven,t got all day. Okay, fellows, let Jack he~r the ocem~rclel, Don, not ~[n here..e drug s~ore. Fellows, whet,]l you have? . ~ , .~.c~_.~ IN FITH01 002008 ;~
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-5- BA BA BACHI ME BAMBINO BA BA }50 BO BOCU PICC OLINO WHEN-A YOU KISS ME A-ItM-A KI~S-A YOU IRIS: TRAIALALALALALA LU BA BA BAOHI }~ ~ BA, BO BO JIlT SAY Sl T~ MAYBE IF YOU SQUEEZE ME I'M-A SQ~ZE-A YOU TRA LA LA LA LA LALA LA LU IRIS: WE WOULD ~ TO M~T THE GV/B THAT WROTE THIS SILLY SOnG ~IS: BOy~,. WON~ IF THEY REALIZE THAT BOCHA ~ A BOOHA YOU IS IRIVING PEOPLE CRAZy. M~D TOY, HOpALONG IRIS: A CHOP-A Stay B LINC- ME NODDLE SOUP AI~D EGG-A FS~Y YOU 0AN SING MOST ANY WORDS YOU LIKE B~#, whs~'ll you hBVe? Look. ,~e3 !~'~s.. Oiveme your . o~der..l hsven't @or ~ii day. BU2 ,DON'T FORGET TO END WITH LUCKY STRIEE. IRIS: Fellows, I . LS, LS, IS, IS, M F T, GEE, -~C~t~. heven't go% ~II LUOICf STRIKE'S T~ CIGARETTE FOR ME. d~, (Mo~) 114 ATe01 0020088
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-6- AND IT'S THE ONLY CIGARETTE FC~ yOU AND YOU AND YOU A~D YOU. IRIS: Hey fellows, SO PUFF Pt~F PUFF Pt~F pUFF A LUCEYAND~het do you went? WE KNO~T YOU'LL ~Ay ~-Y, ~EY, SAY, LUCK~ ~TRIEE IS S~ OK. I'M GONNA BUY ~ 0ARTON RIGBT AWAY. I'LL BOCHA ME A LUCKY STR~ TODAy WE WILL LIGHT A LUCKY IRIS: A LUOEY BACHA ME A LU~ FROM WAY DOWN IN NENTUCK~ IS, MF, IS, M~, BA BA BA BA BAOHA AMIA, AMIA-- Boy~, Z h~ve other people to wsit on,.. LODk~ fellows... Welt e mlnu~e,..W it a ( AFPIa~E ) r J erKol 0020089
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(BEOOND ROUPI~E) (SOUND: JACK.. • "7- ~.TGEI' 2,'l'm.~ N01SE~ AND FOOTSTEPS) I h~ted to sneak out llke that end leave BOb and Mary ~u the drugstore, but when that dame started screaming, ~t was emberresslug.. Well, I might es well go in the studio end rehearse. (S0b~D: MORE FOOTSTEPS UP 8TEF~..DOOR OP~S) Hello, Mr. Benny, JACK: t~e Hello, Harry, any feu mail? RUBIN: Yes~ Mr. Benny', YOU GOT EIG~ THDUSAND LET~. JACK: Harry, I'm alone. R~IN: Oh...nothing, JACK: N~m~! (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (HOMS o~ STRAIN OF BAOOHI z~)~l~fgjA , D~,INIS: (IN CLOSED PHONE BOOTH, OFF)~-AND THAT ISN'T ALL I'M M%D ABOUT'. IWE GOT Pi~ T~O SAY TO YOU. JAOI~: l{m, there's DennlsK~ t~t phone booth. I~NIB: ~, PLENTY, .I'VE T~ ALL THE GUFF OUT OF YOU I'M GOS~ TA~ (Hey, that kids really mad.) OH, NO, YOU LIS~ TO ~, .IWE LISTE~ TO yOU LONG ~OUGH. ~$ F~R AS ~ 'M CONCERNS, YOUIRE NOTHING BUT A LOW, UNI~ DOI~LE-DFALING CONNIVe. JACK: (w~!) . " -, JACK: D~IS: RT~01 0020090
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8- ! J., DENNIS: JACK: DENNIS: D~NIS: JACK: D~5: JACK: D~IS: JACK: Dmmzs: JACK: JACK: MARY: BA OH, I E~GW, YOU P~ IT OV~ ON ~.o.B~ IIM GON~ BEE TO IT ~ YOU D0~'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN~ ~SE° °. YOU HEKRD EE...~,"SHL'~ UP' i (SOL, O: m~ s~ ~owN..sumzw BOOTH DOOR OPt) (WITH NE~ RESPECT) De.nis~ Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. E~euse me a minute. (SOL, D: TWO STEPS..DIME BEING DROPPED I~TO PHONE... ONE DIAL..IN~ OLIOK) Operator, Mr. Benny is standing right here, ¥0n must have Riven ~e the wrouE number. Dennis, hsng Up thet receiver and come sut of that booth: Yes, sir. (som : cEnnm DOWN) Dennis, any time you have somethlnE to say to me, I want you to say it tO my fees, not on the phons..,Ar~ anyway, I don't know what you're co~islnlng shout, live treeted you well...live looked out for your interests..I've ~ided you....I've helped you...I've given you sdvloe...Why, I've even tried to be e fsthsr to you. Only on Father's Day. What? Wh~t you'll do for a lousy tie. ~ever mind. Now, Dennis, ~hen we get in the studio, I ~a~t yOU to run OV®r your seng first. (FADING IN) Oh, Jack.. Jack.. Yeah? Jaok, llve Rot to tell you the most wonderful thi~.. RI"H01:~ 0020091
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f -9- BOB.. (MODESTLY) Oh, Mary. M~RY: D!O~, Bob, don*t be so mo~est. JACK: Whet is Itt Mary? FA~: Jack, look at that seek of fan m~il he got. JACK: I see it, I see it. BOB: I even got a letter from your sister in Ch~eago. JAOK: ~. Co~e on, let,s ge~ in the st~Io. (SOUND: F0~T~PS..DOOR OPENS) JACK: Okay, fellows~ qulet-dc~'re golng to start rehearsal. Dennis, have you get'tousle to~ - De~nis, where are yon going? DENNIS: Beck to the phone booth. JACK: W~? Dm~NIS: ~e if I can get another wrong n~mbe~, I'm in a flghtin, mood. JACK: Ncw, cut that out, end let me beer ~ -- ~mm.. That cloc~ on the wsll..le thet the right time? ~RY: ye~, it's one-thirty...why? . • TA h e CK: ~, esv n sskes, I thot~ht I ~ ~ve time to finish rehearsal before i go to my doctor's offlce~ MARY: What do you have to go to your doctor's fgr? JACK~I I h~d e cheek-up e few days ego end eve~th~,g is fine, but I went to see my X-ray pictures end the ~octor wants to give me ~ couple of vitamin shots. It'll only %eke 8 little while. J ~T~01 0020092
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-10 - MARY: You want mete drive you over? JAOK~ Rochester h~s the oar in the perking lot, so he'll drive mo ~o~n, JAOK: ~a Okay. I'II go ~Ith yo~. Thmnks.~.~k~nu~i, 'you'rehearse your aoug, SO0~. (ApFIAUSE) (DE~IS'S BONG -- "HEY, BROTHS, (APPraiSE) We'll be bsok POUR THE WINE" ) BA F~TP;01 0020093
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(THIRD ROUTINE) -ii~ (SOUND: STR~T NOXSES..CAR GOING ALONO.'A~TO NDRN) ROCH: ARE YOU A~D MISS LIVINGSTONE COMFORTABLE BAOK T~RE, BOSS? JACK: Yes, thank you..But RcChester, this back seat seems to be higher than usual and ~e keep sliding forwar~..Why is that? ROCH: W~L, I PS"f SO~ BIG TRUCK TIRES ON THE REAR ~ AND SMALL TIRES ON THE FRO~T ~. JACK: What's that for?d ROCH: TO E~CODRAGE THE MOTOR, IT T~ WE'RE COASTI~ DOWN KILL. JACK: Well, that's the silliest th~nE I ever heaZ~, you're always trying to Fool the motor. ROCH: W~L, B088, IA~T WINTER YOU ~ THE ONE WHO PLY ON FY~H-~%IL FE~D~ SO PEOPLE WOULD THINK YOU ~AD A CADILLAC. MARY: Jack, did you really put on fish-tall fenders? JACK: yesh. M~RY: Did it fool 8nyhody? ROCH: NO PEOPLE, ONLY FISH. JACK: Oh s~op making things up....And hurry, I wa~t to _get to %ha doctor's offlce...ROcheste~, slow down, ~-~ight on the corner is turnlnE red. ROCH: DON'T WORRY, BY T~ TIME WE RFACH IT, IT'LL BE GRE~ AGAIN. JACK: ~...Anyway, ~e turn here fom~ doctor's office. EOOH: I~, SIR. (SOUND: CAR ~S) BA ~TH01 002009~
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T i 1,, , , ..... -12- JACK: you know, Mary, I've been thinking..It seems that every tlme I go to a doctor 0~A~oospital for e check,up or~A~ examination, you're al~ays with me...Gee, itca awfully nice of you. MARY:~,It,s net a matter of being nice, Jeok...I have to be with you ~hen you go for medical examinations in case Tou need JACK: ~eed you? MARY: yes..how ~ou ever Eot that Transfusion Clause in my contract, I'II never ~now. JACK: My agent thinks of eve~,/thlng.°~r~ay, this time I'm only going to get a vitsmln shot. (SO~: CAR COMING TO STOp) ROCH: H~RE YOU AP~, ~. BENNY. JACK: Thank you, Rochester...Watch your step, Mary. (SO0~: NOISES OF G~TTINO OUT OF CAB) ROCH: ~. B~NZ, WHILE YOU'RE IN THE DOOTSB'S OFFICE, I,IL GO TO T~ NABKET ~ DO T~ SHOPPING. JACK: ~t Fine, Pine. BOTH: I MA~E OUT T~ LIST AND THE GBCC~ES _~DUNT TO S~ DOLLARS. JACK: Seventeen dollars...~m...here you al~e. ROCH: AND A DOI~AR A~D A FAL~ FOR A HAIRCUT. JACK: A do!far ar~ e half ~ -- wait e minute, Rochester...l'm not supposed to pey for your haircuts. ROCH: THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, ! GOT IT IN THE GLOVE CQ~ARTME~T. JACK: ~..~ell, I'II take care of it myself tome~ow...l want to g~t s sh~ne at the Sam~ ti~) ~ ' BA RT~01 00200~
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.J, 113 - ROCK: JACk: (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOI,~D: Yes? JAOK:C~I Nurse, I have -f. I CAN GET THAT FOR YOU, TOO. l 'M WEARING yOUR SHOES. Never mind, I'll do it myself. . .Come on, Mary. DOOR OPIneS ) en appointment with Dr. Stevens. BEA: Yes slr...In just a few mlnutes....but first I'Ii have to bare some informstlon about you. JAOK:kg~,They have It ~t the bospltal. They took It when V w~nt in fo~ ~ cheok-up. Well, ~e need tbls for the offtoe. JACK: C~j Oh ..... well, my name 18 -- BEA: J~st a seoond, sir. IQ have to write this down...l JAOK: SEA: JACK: BF~: JACK: BFA: JACK: SEA: JACK: BFA: JACK: SEA: JACK: BA want to get a pencil,,there,,,Now,,,your rmgm? Jack Benny. Occupation? P~dlo comedian. A~e yau currently e~plo~ed? Yes, y~s,kT am. How tall a~e you? Five-@!even. Your velght? One sixty-five. ycur age? , Thlrty-nlne. Thlrty-nlne. ~.~o~ Mr. Benny, have you ever--- Just a minute, Nurse...I happened to notlee On your desk you ha~e ~nother chart and the age is also ~arked thirty-nlne. r o .qozoo96
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~r BFA: JAOK: BEA: JA6~: BEA: JACK: BEA: JACK: B~: JACK: BE%: JACK: K~T/: JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: MES: JACK: BA Who's chart is that? Grandma Moses. Oh. ~ow, Grandpa--I mean, Mr. Benny..where yore we? Look, Nurse, I haven't got much time..l want to see Dr. Btevens. Well, he's busy now, you'll have to walt..slt over there by tbmt gentlemen in the corner. Oh...Is his eppoln%ment ahead of mine? Oh, he's not walti~E to see Dr. Stevens, he has an eppolntment with onr p~yohtatrlst. ~...~syehlatrist...he Lsnlt violent, is he? 0b, fs~ from it...In fact, be'B veT geDtle,,.he thinks ho's 8 rehblt. (MAD) ~...Come on, Mary, let's sit down. Jack, what are you so mad about? That smart 81ec nurse tryi~ to kid me...e rabbit...~ man looks JDst as normBl 8s I do. Jack, there isn't room for both of us to st% on the sofa. Yes there is, Mary..I'll ask him to move oVOr..(UF) Pa~o~ ms, elf. ~, TSK TSK TSK, WHAT'S UP, D00? Say..you reBlly do th~nk you're a ~abblt. yeah. Wh~r~ do you llve? Oh, I have a nice little hntoh in Brentwood. RTK01110020092
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v' JACK: JA~: JACK: M~: JACK: JACk: JACK: SEA: JACK: BFA: JACK: BEA: BA -15- ~..M~ry, move over. ~,'~ell me, Mister, d~d you always think you yore e rabblt? No...no..up until lest week I thc~ght I was & t~key. UP until lest week? What made you stop beln~ a turkey? Well, it's so close to Thank~givi~, they turned me down for l~fe Insurance. Oh. I wanted double indemnity. I see. With cranberry sauce. Well, that.s the only iway to have it,..Anyway, maybe yo~,re better off being a rabbit. Yeah...Well, I can't wait any longer for that psychlstrlst .... TSK TSK TSK, ~, DOC. (SOUND: D00N ~ES) Of ell the silly guys...thinking he's e rabbit,. ,some people -- (BOUSD: I~-OFFICE B~..CLICK) .&, Yes, Doctor ery Nell, sir, I'ii send in the next patlent...It's M~. Benny,...What?..No, it's Benny, Bunny just left....Yes, sir. (SOUND: CLIOK) Go right in, Mr. Benny..Dr. Nelson will see you now. Dr. Nelson? But Dr. Stevens is my doctor. Well, he's in s~rgery no~ so Dr. Nelson will take car of yOU • 0h...where is his office? Right down the hall. RTP<01 0020098
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-16- k- JACK: Thank you..l'll be right back, Mary. (SOg~D: DOOR OP~S..CLOSES..FOOTSTEPS ALONG ~LS) ~aj~N: BI YA, RgBE. JAOK: Huh? HPARN: Remember me? JACK: Oh yes:~ou,re the fellow from Celabesas. Wh~t are yo~ doing here? }~RN:~ Brought ~ wife to the doctor, shots gonna have a baby. JACK: A baby: Say, how many k%ds have you got n~w? ~HN: This will be the sixteenth. JACK: Gosh..slx~een kids..What a~e their names? H~AP~N: Well, there's Albert, Hiram, Ella, Julius, Kathy, Jeauette, Bertram, Herman, Blue Cross, Howard -- JACK: Walt e minute, wait a ~.. .you. ..you nBmed one of ¥o~r children Blue Gross? HK~RN: yep, ~ wife's been in the hospital so muoh ~e owed them somethlu~. JACK: Oh, oh, ~ ....... SaT, with a~ch a large family, you must have a pretty big farm. }~J~PuN: Oh, one of the big~est in OslebBses • JACK:~ WX~dhat do'you raise there? ~ARN: Albert, Hiram, Ella, Julius -- JACK: I mean besides them.~het kind of crop do you grow on TOUr Well, the whole place is a big vineyard..we gro~ nothing but grapes. JACK: BA !. t; BTK01 0020099
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JA(~: JACK: NE~011: JACK: -17- HEAP~: That'S right, Euhe, I press m~ own ~Ine, too~..got the happiest feet in town.,..Well, I better he ~ett~ng hack in the weltlug room...Bo long, Rubs, so io~. JACK: So long. ~ (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS..SUBTAIN IN B.G.) JACK: Some day I must ask him wb~v he keeps c8111~ ~ Rubo...Oh, here's Dr, Nelson's office, (SOU~: DOOR 0Pm~S) Oh Doctor..doctor .... YES~SSSSS. Doctor, I'm Jack Benny....I was told to see you. Why do they always come to me at the lest minute. No~-~ok, I came hero to have s vltemln shot. Give it to ~ so I con go. ~ NELSON: Yes...now Just s mlnute...l ~ent to test my hypc4ermlc to see t~hat the needle isn't stopped up. (BOUND: A LONG STEADY SQDIR~ 8TBFAM OF SE~ INTO A PAN GOES ON A~D ON AND ON) NELSON: ........ Now I'm reedy for you. JACK: Wait 9 minute, doctor....YOu're not going to give me a shot with that needle, .Why have you got sUCh a big one, k~• 2 NELSON..~srsighted and I don't want to miss. JACK: Now Just s second, doctor--- BA • .%: FtT~01 0020100
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~ -IB - NELSON: Oh, stop belr~ s~h a ~aby..roll Up your s~eeVe~ I'll give you the ~hot..It ~on't hu~t 8 blt~.l promise. JACK: Well...all right...there, m~ sleeve,s ~p. NELSON: OMay...here goes., .there you ere. JACK: Ouch:.. Ooooooooh...Do~tor, it did hurt when ~[ou .... BUS welt e minute.. ~I do feel better already. Bey, Doctor, what vltemlns did you In~ect me with? N~S0N: D. 0. F. R. B. JAC~¢: D. 0. F. E. B.? Wha~*s that? ~0N: Dad's 01d F~shloned BDot Beer. JACK: Whet? N~0N: llm sorry it hurt, but the ice cream got 8t~k in the needle. ~ JACK: Well, thst's the most rld~culous ~h~g~e~e~ heard. I'll oom~ beck tomorrow when my reguler do~t0r is here. (ApnAUSE ~ ?~yO~) BA ~F~01 0020101
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-19 - (FI~ ALLOCATION) DON: ~rlends, the epidemic of forest fires ShroughOut the country points up thls sobe~lng fact. Becease most ares.s of the country haven't had a soakln8 ~In for many weeks .. the flrs b~z~rd is still tremendous. Remember - :21r woodlands ars more than scenic p/aygrou~s..theyire valuable n~tural resources - ludispensable %o our n~tion,s defense. So...be extrm careful out of doors - ~ith fire in any form. Drown or ~rush out eVe~ s~k - for only o~ can prevent forest fires; Thank you. BH RT~01. 0020102
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THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY '~HE JACK BENNY pROGRAM #7 ~OV~ER 7, 1954 CLOSING COmmeRCIAL WILSON : TRAI~CRI~): ~ORCH ( OPTIONAL SNDRT ~ION ~snm) WILSON: --C-- Jack will be back in Just s minute, bat first a word to you smoker~ who are looking for better taste in a cigarette. If you want better testa from your cig-a-rette, Lucky Strik_.___~e is the brand to get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best tashe yet. It's the toasted (01AP ... CLAP, OL~P) oig-a,rotte. They take fi~ tobacco, it's ~ tOheccot it's mild tobacco, too. Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the t~sted (CIAp ... ClAp, CIAP) cig-a-rothe' Friends, if you read the comics, I guess you know all about '~Ittle Iodine." The fellow who draws '~ittle Iodine" is the famous cartoonist Ji~y Hatlo° He's got another comic strip too, called '~hey,ll Do It Every Time." Wet1, Jimmy Hatlo's is Lucky Strike. Jimmy s~ys, '~ep, I'ii do it every time - light up a Lucky because they taste better." (Mo ) BH RT~01 0020~03
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THE AM~CANTOBAOOO COt, tPANY ~ JACK--PROGrAM#7 NOVeMBer7, 1954 CLOSING COMMEROIAL ~OO~D) WILSON : (CO~'D) -D- Friends, many millions of people smoke Luckies because they've found that Luckies taste better toO. A Lucky t~stes better because "It's Toasted to T~ste Better." Of course, Luckles, better taste ~ vlth fine tobacco - fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. And then, that fine tobacco is toasted. '~TIS TOASt" - the famous Lucky Strike process - brings L~ckle~' n~turally mild, 8ood-tastlng tobacco to its peak of flavor - tones it up to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, that's ~ Jimmy Hatio ~nd millions of other smokers,ll do llt every time ...... light up ~ Lucky. Why don,t ~ou llght up a Lucky too? Ramember: "It's Toasted to Taste Better." BH RT.,~C~I 0020104-
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/. JACK: ROOH: JAOK: -20- (sOUND: OAR C~ING) Did you Eet all your shopping done, Rochester? ~, BOSS..HOW DID YOU ~ CUT AT THE DOCTOR.8? Oh, fine, fine. Rochester~ maybe on the way home we sbeuld -- LOOK OUT' (SOUND: $0~0H C~ BRAKES.) JAOK:~s Gee~ fellow, I'm sorry we ran into you. Are you hurt? MEL: No, hut you knocked the carrot out of my hand. JACK: What? MELI~SO long, ~O. JACK: Goodnight, folks. (A~PLAUSE & MUSIC) DON : The Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Mllt Josefsherg, George Balzer, John Tackabermy, HAl Goldman, A1 Gordonj and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike - product of the American Tobacco Company - America,s leadin~manufacturer of cigarettes. BH ,! OOZO 05
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.~.~_~.~h~ ~ ~ ~.~ ,~, ,~ .............................. ,,, m¸ ,,1, FROG~M REVISED SCRIPT A A 0 ANY T~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUN~y. N0V~ 14. 1954 'OBS 4:00 - 4:30 PM PST (Trsnscribed - Sept. 19, 195~) CAST: JACK BENNY MARY LIVI~STON ROC'~STBE ~N~I S D~Y BOB CRONY DON WILSON SPORTSMAN QUARTET M~L BLANC BENNY HUBIN LOIS CROBETT RF %> RTH01 0020106
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,m, 7:00 - 7:30 ~ E~ WILSON: -A- T~ A~R!CAN TOBACCO COMPANY "THE JAOK. BENNY PROQRAM" (old set 5) Th~ JACK BENNY PROGRAM . .. trensc~lbed sn~ presented by Lucky Strike -- the clge~e~te thet,s to8sted to taste better2 (TBANSCR]~: "If you wsnt betSer tsste f~om your ci~-a-rette, COLLINS Ah~ FULL CALYPSO ~ Strlke is the brsn~ to get: V~-~SION OF SONG--37 ~C.) IT'8 TOAST~ to glve you the best t~s~e ye~, It's the to~ste~ (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP~ clg-a-rette. They teke fine tobscco, It's ~ tobacco, It's mil.___~ tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, ITtS TOATED, beceuse the toasting b~lngs the flevor ~Ight through. So, to get bette~ tBste from you~ clgsrette, Lucky Strike is the br~n~ to get: IT'S TOAT~D to give you the best t~ste yet, It's the to~ste~ (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) cl~-~-rstte !" (MO ) RF ~TH01 0020107
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THE JACK HSNNY ~OGRAM -B- ~ SET #5 OPENING CO~CIAL (CONT'D) Ul-uSON: This is Don Wilson, friends. Thst version of the Lucky Strike song Dorothy Collins Just sen~ rosy be Oiffement in tempo, but the story is still the seine. A Lucky testes better because ... IT'S TOASTED to tsske bette~° You see, bette~ Caste starts ~ith fine, mild, ~ood-tasting tobscco. LS/~'2 -- Lucky Strlks mesns fine tobacco.~ And then, thet tobsooo is tos~tsd. IT'S TOASTED is the famous Lucky Stri~ p~ocess thet brings Luckle8 fine tobacco to its pes~ of fl~vor ... tones up this n~tur~lly good-testlng tobacco to ms~ it t~ste eve~ bett.t_t2~_ ... Cle~ner, fresher, s~oot~. So friends, remember thet next tlme you buy cigarettes. And Be Hsppy -- Go LuokT.' RF ATH01 0020108
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BOV INE (AFTER OOMMEaCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUOI~ STRINE pRO3PAM, STA~I~ JACK ~, ~.WITH MA~ LIVINGSTOh~, ROO}~eTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY~ ~ '~OURB TRULY" DON WILSON. (AppIAU,SE...MUSIO UP AND DOWn) DON: !ADIES AND GENT~, TONIGHT JACK ~ DOES ANOTI~R T.V. SHOW BUT MEA~HILE WE HAVE A RADIO pROGR~M ~O DO. AND IN PRESENTING THE ST.%R OF OUR SHOW, IT IS WITH I~EPEST RESPEOT THAT I GIVE YOU T~ DEAN OF AMERICAN CO~Y. JACK: (pLEASED) Welll DON: A MAN WHO, LIKE T~ TIDE, KEEPS ROLLING ALONG MONTH AFTER MONTH, YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT...WHO, DESPITE THE W~ARING OF T~ ~S AND TP~ RAVAGES OF TI~... JACK: Don, I'm fit as a fiddle. DON: ~WEO, LI~ AN ANTIQRAT~D STBADIVARIOUS...ONLY OAINS IN QUALITY T~H THE CE~I~'q3. JACK: ~...Don, I'm 7oun~ at heart. DON: A_~D ~, ALTHOUGH FAILING IN M~ORY...MARAGES TO FInD NGS WAY hV~RE EVERY WE~K...AND RERE RE IS, JACK ~. JACK: ThaDM ~ou, thank you, thank you...Hello again, %his is Methuselah BenDS telMIB~...ADd DOn, what ~ot into ~ou? DON: ~fter an introduction lime that, the people won't ~Dow whether to • > expect Jokes or oread m~slo...Ho watch it from now ~on~ . Well Jack, you have been around for quite a while. LW f~rP~01 0020109
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• . ~ ..... ~:~i~ ....... i "~T~-~¸ II -2- ,! JACK: T~S true, but it 8o happens wh~NI StEr~ ~1 Ikqdio in ~, I wee still in my teens. DON: Whet ere you talking about? I knew you then end you had gcay hair. JACK: I was born with gray heir. HI wes worried shout the doctor blll..~And, Don, here.s sn amazing coincldence.~.if you reed it ~n e story, you wouldn't believe It...sfter 811 these years J who do you think is sitting ~n the eudlence this very moment? DON: The doctor? JACK: No, his is~yer...the case comes up in court Wednesday. ,+An~y Don, we've got e show to do, so ~- ~- " ..,from now on, forget about my 8ge...I feel fine, I've got lots of pep and I have ell my fscultles -- oh, hello, Mery. BOB: I'm Bob. JACK: Huh? Oh, Bob...Bob Crosby...Gee, whet made me think you were Mery? BGB: I don't know, you've get your glosses on...both pair. JACK: ~ Now Bob, don't you start in, t, po. ~ ~ .- rehesrsel,~do you~have a ticket fo~ next weekls broadcast? JACK: For next Sunday? BC~: ~, it's not for me...it's for my brother Bin8. JACK: Oh, Bing wants to come to~show? ,++ JACK: Why? BOB.~It's his birthday end hels got everythin8 else.~ -- ~, _ e+~ ~,~-,-~ ~ , JACK: BOB: Well, lest yeer he was thirty-nlne, so this yeer he must be forty, _~ _~. ~" JACK: Why?,~.Is he-~n eseer beaver or something?...A~ay, Bob, wish him a Happy Birth~ey. RTHO~ ,0020110
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-3- BOB:~. Okay ,~ D s: t anyb y o to ,ey llo to JACK:~DennlsJ When did yo~ come in? D~NIS~e been h~e all the time...I ~as standing behind Don Wilson's right leg. JACK: Oh, oh. • .Well, kid, what did you want last night? Rochester told me yc~ called the house when I was out. DE~NI~: Yesh, I trim to Eat you two oF three times. ~ ~anted to tell yea about that raffle ticket I bought last month• JACK: Raffle? D~IS: Yeah...Pemember, you t~led to talk me out of i~. Y~u said it scuud~ like a phon~ deal. JACK: Well, it did. DENNIS: YOU and you~ advice. Boy, ~m I glad I didn't listen to you. They held the drawing lest night and I won flrst prize. JACK: First prize...no klddir4~, Dennis...~hstc~ ~ou g~%? D~NNIS: Four glorious weeks at the North Pole. JACKz What? D~NNIe: And ell the blubber I can est. JACK: De~nts, •. DENNIS: And my igloo palnt~d inside and out. JACK: . • .Dennis, who go~s to the ~o~th Pole? Youtll be ell alon~ there. LF tJ RTH01:0020111
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J .. ii ii i ~i~- i ,, , ,,lllc ik~ -4- D~IS: Not if I can find lest year's wi e~. JACK. ~.,.Dennls, look at'~e~look me in the eye. D~NNIS: Yes, sir. JACK: Now tell me.,.how 0ould you possibly fall for e thing llke this? ~Is~ ~o you moan? JACK: Well, this whole raffle is obviously a fraud, you might just as well h~ve come in here and told me you won the laBrea Tar Pit3. DE~NIS'.dThat was second prize. JACK: DePmis ... Dennis ... D~NIS: C~n I stop looking at you now? JACK: Yes% ~ you can stop talking to me, too. I don!t know, Dennis, you've got 8 brain there somewhere, why don't you try using it for a change? D~NIS: Oh, I suppose it doesn't take brains to sing a s0ng? JACK: Net necessarily...Crickets can sing, and they don't have any brains. DON:~jPardon me, Jack• Crickets don't exactly sing...~hair song comes from rubblng their hind legs together. JACK: Oh. DE~NIS~I~-~&ve tO try that some time. • JACK. Do,~nnIs...and let me ~O~ hc~ it ~C~aS~.~* ~lle,' let's have your song in the old fsshloned way. DENNIS: Okay. (SCUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK:~old it a second, Dennis. (SOUND: RECE~Up) LF RT~Q1 00201 ?2
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JACK: -5- Hello...What?...Y~u've got a slight hangover a~ you'll be a little late getting here for the broadcast?...But Phil, you've been off my show for ~earsE...H~h?~.'~f course, ~'m sure... Look, if you don,t belleve me, ask Allce...Al~oe. mlee. ,h,'s X2A~...Okay,Abe csr~ul getting home...What? Yeah, yeab, (SOUND: REV21V~ DOWN) JACK: That Phil...he's alweys SO confused...Oh, well...go aheed an~ sing, Dennis. D~S: With my legs or my tonsils? JACK: With your tonsils...forget that cricket. D~INIS: Yes, sir. (APPLAUSE) (I~NIS'S SO~) ("ALaOS~ L~ BEING IN LOVE") (APr. USE) Z~ ~d RTH01 0020113
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,;" .6~ (smo ROUTINE) JACK: That was Dennis Day singing "Alm3st Like Beln6 In Love" ... and Dennis, I must say it sounded a lot better than a Cricket rubbln~ hls legs together. DI~NNIS: To you, but not to another cricket. JACK: Gee, I Never thought of that. MARY: Hello, everybody. JACK: Oh hello, Mary. MARy: Jack, I'm sorry I'm late, but I ~ent to a ~eddlng. JACK: A wedding? This afternoon? MARy: Yes..ODe of my old girl friends at the May Company got married. In fact, she,s ~orked there in the glft department for thirty years. JACK: Hc~ nice..and now she got married~i.~ MARY: Yeah..but Jack, the funniest thing happened. JACK: What ? MARY: When the groom handed her the ring, she ~rapped It up. JACK: NO~ MARY: Yeah..then ~hen he carried her across the threshold, she ~,sa:kl, "Thank you, call. again". I,' ho~ do y~l~ that..You ~mow, Mary -- (SOUND: TWO BOARDS RUBB]D~TOGErHER) MARY: What's t?~t? JACK : What ? (~UND: MARY : That. JACK: Oh, that's Dennis in the corner. cricket. What? MARy: " GH TWO BOARDS RUBB~ TOGET~) He's trying to sing lime a ATe01 002011~
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JACK: MARy: DON: .MARy: DON: JACK: DON: ~ARY: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: BOB: DON: JACK: MARy: JACK: GH -7- It's a long story, ysu wouldn't onderstand..And if you ~Id understand it, you wooldn't llke It....And if you dld llke it, I ~ouldn't llke you. All right, all rlght...Say, Don, Y saw yo~ and~oor wife at the Coconut Grove Thursday night. Was ~t your anniversary? yes, Mary..so I thought I~ ~ be~nnlce for the llttle ~oman and Ore celebrate wlth~Inner and a show, Well, you easterly made e lovely couple..And Don, you ~ere simply beaming I've never seen you look Impplev. (DREAMILY) yeah....that steam was fsur inches thick ... But ~'m gled you reminded me, Mary, because I v~nted to thank all of ysu for the gifts you sent us. (i was ~ondering ~hen he'd get around to that.) Mary, that Lazy Susan you sent made a big hit with the little I'm glad she liked it, D~o. And gob and Dennis, that Hoover Vacuum Cleane~ is Just ~hat ~e needed. Ho~'d you llke my present, Don? Oh, it ~as beautlfol, Jack..I haven't seen any of those in a long time. Well, it was no easy job getting it, I had to Shop all over. What did he give you, Don? A lovely bowl sf ~x fruit. Yes, slr. I never sa~ anybody llkeyou, Jack..You always give the oldest, cow,lest presents. Is that so? RTH01 0020115
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"8- ~&RY: Lest year on my birthday, you sent me a bustle. JACK: But it ~as full of chocolates, don't forget t~t...4~ ~upposed to be s novelty. I spent s dollar end a half a pound for that bustle and she's complaining. MARY: Well, ~hat good is candy after you slt on it? JACK: you weren't supposed to sit on It.,It~s your fault MARY: Herd centers yet. JACK: No~ Ma~y, forget it...An~ay, Don liked the gift I sent him. Be said it was lovely. DON: m~re ~as, Jack..Bot £ meant to tell you so~othlng about that bowl of fruit..one of the bananas doesn't light up. JACK: It doesn't? DON; No. JAO~.~ka~ That's funny..It looked like such a good bunch. BOB:q-~X~iDon, you have so many frleDds, you must're gotten quite a hauir.~. DO~: Yes, and say/ kids, we haven,t put the gifts away yet. Why ~_/L,., .... ~onJt you ~llcoms out to the house and take a look at ,era? ba~glng in on your ~Ife wl~hout any notice or aDythlng. DON: Q~jlt,s no imposition at all. Lois would love to have you. JACK: But Don~oon"t' you think you ought t~ call you~ ~Ife up and let her k~ow ~e're coming?....you kno~, barging in llke this ~Ith a ~hole gang of people-- DON: ~'~o~No, JaCk, the little ~oman von't mind..She's a peach~ jA~.~ Wel~, all ~ .... ' ' rlght~..Come on~ everyone, let s go. (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK:~ Walt a minute. (SOUND: R~ElV~ UP) GE ~TM0t 0020116
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- 9- JACK: Hello. ROCH: ~I/~, ~, BEN~, THIS IB ROC~TERo JACK: Rochester, I hsven,t got tlm8 to telk to you n~...wefr~ on our way to the vslley. ROCH: WELL, I YJST WANTED TO DISCUSS MY D~IES FOR TODAy. jACK: Whst duties? All I ssked ~ou to do wes olean the attic. ROCH: THAT ~S WHAT I WA~TED TO Dl~Ob~ °., l,M UP THERE ~OW A~D I DON,T THINK I'M GOING TO LE~E IT. JACK: Why not? ROOH~ YOU 5HODLD ~ TH~ ATTIC. IT'5 FULL OF CCBNEB$~ LAYERS OF DUST, BIG BLAC~ ~IIER8 A~ IDLY BATS HAN~ING FROM T~ CEIL~. JACK: Well, what else did you e~peot to find? ROCK~ THE OOU~T OF MONTE CRIBTO. JACK: Oh, it,s not thet bed...now get to work. ROCH: BU~ BOSS, THIS ATTIC IS ~ WITH MICE. JACK: So whst? A little mouse oouldn't hurt ~u. ROCH: LITTLE, O~ OF TH~M'8 GOT A SA~OLE ON IT. JACK: NOw, Rc~heuter, It's no use oomplelnln~. You,x9 going to hsve to olean up thet ettio sooner or leter so get rld of everything I don't need.(t4[~C~ ROCH: OKAy...I,LL THROW ODT TH~K~ ~ OF MA~AZ~I~S... JACK: Yeeh. ROCH: AND THIS OLD PIIONOGRAPH. JACK: Good, ~r~ , BT~01 002011P I
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-10- ROCH: NOW WHAT ABO5~ THIS OLD SPINNING W~? JACK: Well...I don't think we'll be needing it. ROOH: OKAy, ~ I'LL ALSO GET RID OF THIS TUXEDO OF YO~. JACK: Welt e minute, RoohesteP...I peld a lot of money f~ thet tuxedo. ROOH: XEAH, BVf THAT WAS THeTIs/. ~ARS AGO. JACK: %~hat's th~ dlfferencs? Cen,t I weep it egeln? ROCH: ONLY ~ WE KEEP THE SPINNING W~. JACK: Oh...Well, all right, you ten throw the tuxedo out, too...but meke suI~ I didn't leave eny mor~y ~_n the pockets. ROCH: OH BOOS, COZ~ NOW: JACK: ~...Well look, Rochestem, I,ve got to get go1r~ so ~ust use your judgement. ROOH: YE~, SIR...OH-OH. JACK: Whst's the mstter? ROOH: BOOS, WE MOOT'VE HAD PRGWLERS. JACK: Why? ROOH: WELL, SOM~THLNG YOU ~PT UP ~ FOR yEARS IS MISSING. JACK: Whet's mlss~? ROCH: THAT OLD BOWL OF FRUIT WITH T~ BANANAS THAT LIGh~ UP. JACK: Well, don't werry...I'm sure it'll t~n up somewhere...Se long, Rocheste~. ~TH01 0020118
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"ii • ROCH: GO000000~. JACK: . Thst Rochester ha8 to cell sbout every little thln~. BOB: ~ome on, J~ck, we,re kes~ir~ Don wsitin8. DON: Yesh, while you were on the phone, I got s ceb. JACK.~Thst's swell~.but whet 8bout the show? v DON: The Sportsmen can tske over. Tl~ey've got ~ wonderful i% --,~ ,number.. @'~reat arran6em?nt ofa"Filght Of The Btmlble Bee. -'-'-~CK: ~ Fli ~ 0 e e. DON: y~,~or~, of thsm whistles the lesd ell the wey through it. t • 08 On . JACK: Don, I still think you ought to csll up the little women .-- End tel~ ~r we're coming. BOB:~ Don t worry, Jsck..Don knows whet he's doing. JACK: All right, ell right..ist's go. DON: Go ahead, feilows.."The Flight Of TD~ Bumble Bee." Z 0020119 I
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,v ......... t~ QUART: -I:~A - BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM 'lOOM T00M TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM LS LSMFT, L5~ HAPPY ~ GO LHOK~ ~TRIKE D~DDLEE DEET D~DDLwx DEET DO0 DO0 D00T D00 DOOT D00 DOOT SMOKE LUC~ STRIEE LS LSMFT LS L~ FOR ~E~TER TASTE SMOKE LUCKY STRIEE YE8 SIHEE, YOU'LL AGHEE AND YOU WILL SEE WFX WE PL%VE BOASTED IT'S TOAST~D A LUCKY STRIKE TASTES BETTER AND IT'S C!ZANER, YOU BET A FINE CIGARETTE, THE ~ST HMOE~ yET T}~ ~MOKE TO GET THE SMO~ ~ ENDORSE IS LUCKIES, OF COURSE FOR DEEP DOWN SMOKING SATISFACTION YOU WILL LIKE "LUC~ STRIKE, YES SMOE~ LUCk~ STRI}G~. (APPLAUSE) RTHO~!O020~20
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V ~L -12 - (sOUND: CAD MOTOR) JACK: Don, I'm still worrled..ar~ you sure your wife won't mind our barging in? DON: Oh, she,ll be delighted to have you. DE~I8: Am I4~eeVvy on your lap, Mr. Benny? JACK: yeah..Don, open the door, maybe he'll fell out. JACK: ~, I don't cere..I Just had m~ pen$s pressed. DON: Well, here we are!...Drlver, pull up at that llttle white 0ottege there..behind that car that Just drove away. BUBIN: Okay. (SOO~D: CAB MOTOR STOPS..BRAK~) DON: Well..thls is it, follows. (SOUND: CAB DOOR OPENS) DON: How much is that, Driver? R IN: Two dollars and thlrty-flve cents. SOB. ,wait a io te, Doo, thl is oo DENNIS: Oh no,~want to pay it. JACK: Gee, you've certainly got a cute house~ Don..~. BOB:~(A~sNothing doing, Dennis, I want to pay the fare. • DENNIS: Oh, Bob, let me pay it. BOB: Next time, Dennis, this is ~_ treat. C~o~ VXo, ~u~o~. DENNIB: n st on i~ . JACK: ~, ~se bushes atoned the door and ever~thi~g .... ~(~l Xt's beautiful. . -~ ~e MARY: OH JACK, PAY FOR T~ CAB AND LET'S GO IN. JACK: Pay for it? I'm not even in the argument ..... ,.Oh, all right.. How much did you say that was, Driver? LW RT~01 0020121
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~~~,~RUBIN: Two thirty-flve. L.~JALV&7-'~herd~-flft~..keep the chanEe. ROBIN: Oh goedy,| I can send my son to Old Heldelbe~. (Bo : CAB D % ES OFF) JACK: Wise~e~....Well..let,s Ko in, Don/~~J~.- " DON: Er ~It ~ minute JACK: Huh? EON: You ~uov, Jao~, I ... X wea ~uat thi~kln~. JACK: What? DON: Maybe I should have called up my wife first. JACK: Don-- DON~ Well, with five people barElng in unsxpectedl~, it might upset her JACK~THAT,~ WHAT I TOLD YOU AT T~ STUDIO,..I TOlD YOU TO CALL Up YOb~ WLvE. BOB: 0ome on, Don, don't be ~frald..let,s go in. DON: Well, it iso,t that Tim afraid..but... MAEY: I con understand Den's ~ide of it...~ii of us ~rgi~ in lime %his. JACK: BARGING, ~A~GING!..I SAID TFAT AT T~ STUDIO...~2~ID_~ CALL THE LITTLE WOMA~ U~...CALL }~R UP, I SAID. DON: ~ulet, ~ill ~ou?..l,ll tell ~ou wh~t, fellows..you all bide in the rose bushes, end 1,11 go in and tell Lois that some of the gang mlgbt drop in unexpeetedl~...Tbat'll~e blow. ~L2"~ , JACK: Whzt blow! .%I told ~ou at the studio -- BOB: Come on, Jack, let.s ~o it his wa~. BM RT 01 0020122
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m .. -14 - JACK: All right# all rlght...0ome on, we'll get in the rose bushes (SOVAD: I/~2LE RUSTLE OF LEAVES) JACK: Ouch! These thorss..Make It snappy, Don. (S0~mD: COUPLE ZOOTSTEPS..D00R BUZZER) JACK: ~ ~e silliest thing I've ever heard of. M~: Oh, be q~let add get off m~ foot. (so~: DOOR OPEns) DON: HELL9, SWEET}~-RT ! LOIS: ~, DARLING, YOU'~ ~0M~ EARLY. DON: Y~k~O WAS IN THAT CAR THAT JUBT DROVE AWAY9 mls.~, A ~K mN..I CAVE ~ ~m~ m~WL OF WAX F~. JACK: H~mm. DON: QE~, I'M HUNGH~, DFAR..HAVE WE GOT SOMETHING GOOD FOR SUPPEr lOIS: ~ I'M SOPS~, ~..I DIDN'T HAVE A CHKNCE TO DO ANY SHOPPING, SO I'LL JUST OPEN A CAN OF TUNA FISH. DON: OH# ~AT'S SWELL, DEAPa~ST. (S0U~D: DOOR CLOSER) JAOK: H~mll..I spent TWO add ~ half already ~ I 'm going to get tuna fish. MA~: Wh~t are Sou worrying about, yo~'re not even i~ yet. JACK: The thing that burns me up..l'm the guy that told him to - call ' e up!, BOB:~k got so loud, Jack. JACK: This is silly...I wonder if Den's going ~--q~ey, Dennis, stop eating those roses. DEALS: Well, I'm hungry. ~M RTK01 0020123
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i5- JACK: MARY: JACK: DON: GANG: DON: JACK: DOX: JACK: DON : BOB: MAI~: ~AOK: DENNIS: JACK: DE~IS: JAOK: ~AOK: So am I, but I'm going to w~it...How are the? They need salt. Oh, stop..He~, fellows, the porch light just went on. (som : DooB ot,E s) (WHISPERS LOUD) Psst! Psst!...He~ fellows, ere you still there? Yes. Well, I Just told Lols that I sew Bob and Mary pulling up in a ear, so you two better come in first. What about ~? You wo~eDtt ID th~ Oa~. Well, for pete's same, I could be, you made the whole thiDg up ..... Let's all go in. No, you can't do thet.,.Mar~ and Bob come in first. Okay. See you later, Jack. (SOUND: FEW F00TSTEpS..DOOR SLAMS) Well, tbls is the d~mndest mess I ever got into. Yeah. I told him gt the studio five tlmes...Call her up, Don, call up ~our wlfe..But no, he has $o be a wise g~y..And on top of that, it looks like it,s going to rain. It,ll be wonderful for the roses. Yeah, yeah...wonderful...l wouldn't mind waiting oat here, but the worst of it isI I've got to talM to yOU: What'll we talk about? ~othir~...Justbequl~t a~ eat your roses.,.It's ~etti~ chilly too! (SOUND: ~WO BOARDS HUB~D TOGETHER) ATH01 0020124.
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JACK: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: JACK: DON : JACK: DON: JACK: JACK: 16- Dennis, stop rmbbinE ~our legs together. That's a cricket, he's singing "Three Coins In The Fountain". Oh, for -- Dennis, w~ do you have to be so-- (so~: DOOR OPEns) Here comes Don ~gain. Pstt! Psst,..Hey Dennis, come on in. Oenn~s: Yeah, I told my wife I just saw him riding u~ on his bicycle. Well, as lone as you're dreamlng things up, why didn't ~ou see me on the handle hs~s?..Use yo~r fat hesd. I'm sorry, Jsc~. By the way, bow.s the tuna fish holdlnE out? The-~e'll be ple,ty...Don't worry, Jack, you're next. .... "~!ELL LOOK WHO'S ~F~,, DARLING..P2~4~: (SOUND: DOOR SUCh) (MOCKING H3~&) Look who's here, Darling..Dennis Day..l o~t to have my head examined... I can't g~t over it. If I told him once at the studio, I told him five times..Call you-~ wife, let's not barge in On the little woman.. (SOUND: LOUD CL~p OF TmmDER) Oh, fine...lt's going to rain, all rlght....I oanlt get over ~hat g~l I begged him, I pleaded with him...Don, I said -- (SOb~D: MORE ~R) RTH01 002012S
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JACK: JACK: ~L: JACK: ~L: JACK: ~EL: JACK: MEL: JACK: MEL: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: MEL: -17- Don, I s~id..don't ba~e in on tho little w~n..Call her ~p, let her know welro OOmIDg --- (SOUND: THU~ A~D FAIN STARTS..LIGHT AT FIRST, DO'ME) I knew it, I knew it:.,...Well, here it comes...I,m going to get soa~ed...OH, ~ }~CK WITH WIIBON..I'M 00ING TO WALK RIGHT IN THAT }DUSE EFADY OR NOT:...~ ~ ~ I'M GOING TO -- STICK '~ UP, BUEOY! Hub? YOU ~ ME..STICK '~ UP. Stick 'era up?...Are you a burglar? I AIN'T T}~ COU~ OF MOh'~E CRIST0. Now look, Mister -- COME ON, CO~ ON..W}~ DO YOU CAREf yOUR DOUGH? In m~ right shoe...But look, Mister, I was invlted to a party in this house, I'm not even supposed to be out here. GET ~"~AT SHOE 0FF! ..... Gee, it's ralni~g, I'll set m~ foot wet... (SOUND: DOOR O S) Now please -- (FROM A DISTANCE) }~Y JACK...OH JACK, I.M -- ~EEp YOUR MOUTH SHUT OR I'lL DRILL YUH' BM RT~01 0020126
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-18 - JACK: But he's calling me...Can't you hoar him? DON: JACK, JACK~...WHEEE AP~ YOU? CO~ ON IN. M~L: NOT A PEEp 0UT OF YOU, Bi~OY, OR I'LL DRILL YOU. JACK: BuS, Mister, the tuna flsh will be all gone...And I don,t like roses. L01S: TKE~'S NOBODY 0l~ THEEE, DARLING..YOU MUST ~AVE ~EEN MESTAKE~ DON: I GUESS I WAS, DEAR. (so o: DOox SL tS) JACK: Oh my goodness. MEL: ALL .RIG~, BIDDY, OFF WITH THAT SHOE: JACK: (ST~S TO C~) Now listen, Mister, if I take this shoe off, I'Ii never get it beck on again. I haven't got m~ button-hook with me...Now please go away. MEL: CO~ ON...G~E YOUR DOUGH! JACK: But listen, Buddy..thls isn't fair. I wouldnft have been been here at all if Don Wilson had taken my advice. MEL: WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? JACK: I'i! tell ~ou what I 'm talking about...if i t01d him shoo, I told him a thousand tames..Call up ~our wife, Don..five people bamging in on the little woman. It's an impositloD! Call her up...o811 her up, I said... (PmX OFF S~S) JACK: But would he listen to me? No, he had to be & wise Su~..a smart alee..A thousand times I said, "Call up the little woman, call her up," I said. (PIAYOFF UP FULL & APPLAUSE) RT,'401 002012;'
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T~ JAOK ~ pROGRAM DON: -C- Jaok will be back in Just a minute to tell you about his television sho~ ~teh goes on i~la~l~ after thls program over the CES Network...but first a word to you smokers vho are looking for better taste in a cigarette. NI~SON, ~TRA~0RIBED: 0LLI~ AND FJLL CALYPSO V~ION OF som-~7 sEc.) RT Jack will be back in Just a minute to tell you about his television show whiob goes on at seven o,olook over the CBS Network but first a word to you smokers who ape looking for better taste in a cigarette. Be~te.__~r ~ friends, is the p~ime esteem of the makers of Luoky Strike. That,s why a Lucky is made of fine good-tastlng tobaooo that,s toasted to taste even better. Yes, better taste begins wlth fins, light, mild tobacco...good-tastlng tob~co. And then v that tobacco im toasted. "IT'S TOA~T~'-~ the fa~s Lucky Strike process -- brings Luckies' fine tobasso to its peak of flavor ... tones up t~s r~turally good-tasti~ tobacco to make it taste ~ better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So, make Tour next carton Lucky Strike and Be Hap~. Go L~oky. "If you want better taste from your oiE-a-rette, Luoky Strike is the brand to get~ IT.B TOAST~ to give you the best taste yet, It,s the toasted (CLAP .,. CLAP, CLAP) clg-a-retts. ~T~0t 002012B
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TI'~ JAOK ~ PROGRAM s~ #5 CL0SI.G co~. CIA~ (co~m,D) COLONS: -D- They make fine totaooo, I%,~ li~ tob~ooo, it,s mil___dd tobacoo, too. Then IT'~ ~OASTED, ~,e~, ~[T'S TOASTED beoause the toas'tln~ brings the flavor right throt~h. 5o to Set hetter taste from your cis-a-rette, Luoky Stri____~ is the brand to get' IT'S TOAST~ to @ire you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAp ... CIAP, CIAP) elg-a-rette. RT ~/ 8TK01' 0020129
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(TAG) ROCK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: R00H: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: -19- (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) WNO'S THAT? Itls m~, Rochester, BOSS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME? yOU,RE SUPP06E0 TO BE DOWN AT CBS DOING yOUR TELEVISION SHOW. Oh my goodness, that,s rlght. Get the car oat, and drive me down~ CAN'T DO THAT, BOSS, T~ CAR'S (NST OF GAS. Well, how in the world am I goi~ to get down there? I THOUG~ OF THAT AND I,VE GOT IT ALL FIXED. (WHI~LES AS i~ CALLING D0~) (S0UND~ HORSES II00VE3) Well, 1,11 be darned, it has got a saddle on it. I~AH, I~TEAD OF A WHIp, HOLD T}~S PIECE ~ C}~ESE IN PRONT,~ OF IT. JACK: Hi ho, Mickey..Away.. (SOUND: HC~SES HOOV~S) JACK: See you on television, folks. (APPlaUSE A~ ~SIC) RT F~T~01 0020"/30
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7¸ (TAO) DON: -2O- The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt Jc~efsberg, John Tackaberry, AI Oordon, Hal Goldmau, and produced and transcribed by Hilllard Ma~ks. The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Luok~ Strike, product of the Amerioan Tobacco Company -- America, s leading manufacturer of cigarettes. I ~2 RT /~tTHO 1~ 0020131
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~WIBED SORL~ , G T AC8 C OG Sb'I~DAy. NOW~..~ 21,. 1954 C~ (Trsn~orlbed - September., 195~) 4:QQ - 4z50 PM P3T CAST : JAOK BENNY FRANK NSLSON CHARLES BAGBy DW ~T~01i0020132
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-- m -- (on set 6) TH~ A~ICAN TOBACCO CO'ANY ' A R " ~:00-7:30 PM EST WILSON : (TRANS- CRIBED FULL HIT VERSION OF WILSON: SU DA THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM...transeribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the eigsrette thet,s t s~to ~b t_~: If you went better tecta from your cig-e-rette, ~ckv tr~ is the brand to set: IT'S TOASTED to give you the heat taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAp...CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette: They take fine tobacco, it's i_~ tobacco, it's t obecco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S T~, because the toestlr~ brings the flavor right through. SO, to get better testa from your cig-s-rette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toss.~ (OLAP...CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-ret~e, This Is Don Wilson, You know, that ser~ tells en important story to smokers. Simply, it.s this: Luck,s testa better. First because Lucky Strike means ~ tobacco...and then this fine tobacco is tossed' Yes, the fine, mild, good- tsst~ tobacco in every Lucky is toasted tots.~ even better. "IT'5 TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- b~inge Luckles' fine tobacco to its very~ of flavor ...tor~s up this naturally sood-tsstlng tobacco to mske it taste even better. Olesuer, ~esher, smoother. SO next time you buy clgsrettes, mskc it e carton ef hetter-t~st~g Lucky Strike. Be happy -- Go Lucky, RTH01 0020133
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(FIRST R0U INE) (AFTER COMmeRCIAL, ~SIC UP AND DOWN) DON: -i- THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY I~INGS~NE, ROCBEST~, NENNIS DAY, BOB CRONY, A~[D '~0URS TEULy" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSe..~SIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GEBTLE~N, ~ .... JACK BENNY HAS BEEN CONFI~D TO HIS BED FOR THE PAST [~EK WITH A SEVERE COLD, ~ TO AN UNFORTUNATE 0CCUSRENCE "AT ~ HGUSE LAST SUNDAy, IT SEEMS THAT I HAD INVITED JACK AND THE GANG TO COME OVeR WITHOUT TELLING M~ WIFa..T~N T~EN ~ ALL GOT THERE, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE WISE TO BBEAK IT TO ~ZR GE~'fLY BY HAVING Th~ COME IN ONE AT A TI~.. (SLOW FA~)..AND WELL..WHILE JACK HAS ~AITING 0UTSI~E, IT STARTED TO RAIN, AND AS BE .... JhOKi (FA~E IN) e~ole week flet on my b~ck in ~d..e~4 fOP whet? (couoHs) i o ght to I told Do~ once, I told him ~ times...l seid, Don, 0811 up your wife..Oell her up, I s8id..iet's not herge in on the little women...But no! Lois is e pesoh, she won't mind. She JuBt loves to here com~e---(COUGHS) ..ny . Oh ~rwe..Nurce' ROCH: YES, BOSS. JACK: Teke this hot wster beg ewey, it leaks..Look at this hole. BOCH: IT'S OKAy IF YOU KEEP yOUR ~ER IN IT, JACK: I told you to hsve it pstched..Look et me, ~ nightie is so~ked clear through., (COUGHS)..you're e fi~ nurse. ~IHAT'S THAT, BO337 I ssid ~ou're a fins nurse. ROCK: JACK: RF eta01 0020134
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-2- ROCH: WELL, YOU'VE ONLy ~ SICK A ~, I MAV~UT BAD TIME TO G~T A DIPLOMA. JACK: Well,j~e off those white stockings, you loom silly.,.all I'm asking for is a little help..If ~outd omly (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK: Answer the phones rill ~ou? (SOUND: ~c~r~m UP) ROCH: P~LL0 ...... YES..~'3 FEELING MUCH ~TI~, MISS LAMARR. JAOK~ Well: ROCR: YES, MA'AM..I'LL TELL HIM, MISS LAMARR..THAh~B FOR 0ALLING. (SOUND: RECEIVER D~,IN) JACK: M~n..thst was sweet...Who w~s that, R0ch~ster..}Wdy lemerr? R00H: NO, DOROTHY ~ACK: Oh, .~ou me~n Dorothy ROOH: NO, DOROTHY L~MARR, She'S THE COOK NEXT DOOR. JAKC: Oh, her,',, .Well, she worms for Roneld Colm~n..ROD/~y probebl~ wsnts to know how I'm getting 81ong. ROCH: YOU'LL MAKE ~ OUT OF IT, WON'T YOU, BOBS? JACK: Well, thst's undoubtedly whet it wss. (SOUND: DOOR 0PSNS) JAOK: M~ry, I told you not to fuss around the kitchen. MAR"/: Now Jeo~,you've got to eat this omlette I m~e fo~ you. It'll do you good. JACK: I don't went sn omlett~. MARY:~ ve got to have so~thlng...Hsre. JACK: Oh, all right. (SOUND: LIGHT PLATE AND FOP/{ BAffLE) ,I RrMO.~ 0020~35
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tf rl,.~ -3- JACK: ~ ~sn't taste ~nything with this dsrn cold. MARY: Rochester, did ~. Benny sleep well lest nieht? R00H: NO, MISS LIVINGSTONE, }~ TOSSED AND TURNED, AND KEPT TALKI~ IN HIS SLEEP ALL THE TIME. MARY:~,~fnet 01d he say? ROOH: am SAID }~ WAS GO~ GIVE ME A RAISE. JACK: Well, I'm not. ROCH: YOU ME,aLE AGAIN TONIGHT, AND I'M GONNA STICK A OMECK BOOK IN YOUR HAND. JACK: Don't try to pull any fast ores, Rochmmi~ --~r~, whet dld you put In ~ omlette? MARY: Vsp~ Rub,~.e ,X°u've got e cold, haven't you~ JACK: Vspo~Rub..AThet stuff is to rub on..it s supposed to he taken ~. MARY: All rlght, put the omlette on your chest and leave me alone. JACK: You leave ~___ alone. MARY: I never saw anybody so cranky..It,8 your own fault that you've got e colO. JACK: MV fault?..l suppose it was m~ fault that Don Wilson invite( US to his house and evemybody got in but me...l suppose it was my fault ~ it started to rein and I got soaked. MARY: Well' for heaven's se~e, you don't expect him to bring home a whole gen8 of people without calling up his wife first' JACK: Oh, for Pete's sake2...Msry, you were st the studio, you heard me: How many times did I say..Don, cell up your wife, Cell her up, I said, let's not berEe in on the little women. But ~lould he listen to me?...(SNEEZES) GE~IDT, BOSS. ROCH: RF RT~01 0020~ 36
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~4 JACK: MART: JACK: ROCK: JACK: ROCH: MARY: ROCH: JACK: MART: JACK: MARY: JACK: ROCH: JACK: MART: JACK: ~NNIS: RF Thenks..No, he had to go end..and..(S~EZES AGAIN) Gezundheidt, Jeck. ~henks...He hed to go end bring~ the whole ~ng out to t- (SNEEZES AGAIN) G~IDT, BOSS. The~ks...out to the house without le%tln~ h~r know 8 thi~4 shout it...I wouldn't hBve minded thet so m~ch, but when we- (STARTS TO S~Z~ we .. (SNS AGAIN) IT'S YOUR TURN, MISS LIVINGStOn. No, I ssid it slreedy. YEAH, ~ I SAID IT A~fER YOU SAID IT. ~ ~ it. ~'m ~...eezundhe±dt ...... I don'¢ feel good, I wlsh the Doctor ~d ge~ here. Well, go to sloop for s while..The rest will ~o you good. I con't rest..l'm so unoomfor~blo lyi~ here. Why don't you toke some of those silver dollore out of the mottress? ~fcst~ you tslking e~out?..Silver dollsrs..there Is nothi~ in ~ ~ettress but feetb~rs. YOU OUGHT TO }~AR '~M CLINK WHEN I MAKE Th~ B~D. ~ Ii fm Now stop, both of you....l in no mood for nonsense. (SOUND: K~OCK ON DOOR) Come in (SOUND: DOOR 0P~NS) oh i;" Do ls. Hello, ~,~. Benny, I wesn't doing ~nythln~ so ~ thought I'd co~e over e~d see how you're getting 81eng.
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-5- JACK: ~lell, thvt's very nice of you..beve e seer. IENNIS: Thanks.. How do you feel? JACK: Not ~o hot..~i~ dlzzy, rny @yes ere blesry, llm week, @I~d - I ecbe ~ll over. I~NNIS: Well, you,re not e kid enymorv. JACK: Now walt 8 minute:...There's only one thing the matter with me, Dvnnis..I,ve got 8 cold. IF~NNIS: A cold, he sere, JACK: ~t's the metter with you, heven't you ever bed v col~? MARY: Oh, Jvck, don't be 8uoh B crsb..Dvnnl@ com~e Over to visit you end yo~ jump ~ii over him. IENNIS: Yeeh, If you're not nice to me, I won't give ~ou the gift I brought for you. JACK: ~L Gift? I~NNIS: Uh huh, Mother thought I should brlng~flover~, end my f~the suggested csndy..But I decided it might be better ~o glee so thi .vo~u cen t so~ ~ge out of JACK: ~-:I llke prgcticei gifts..~Fnat dld you get ms, Dennis? I~NNIS: ~ ~et of fel3e teeth. JACK: ...F~Ise teeth??? IENNIS: W~tch the w~y they gr~b your finger. JACK: OUCH:...Ge__~t those th~ ~.I've never felse teeth, I dou't reed~, end I ~on't w~nt 'era. ~RNIB: Gee..then I guess I better teke 'era beck. RF BTK01 0020138
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-6- ng PeP teeth for s glft?.,~l ~_ -: I .1 ] • ~ the second plece, Dennls..when someone needs false teeth, they have to go to e dentist~t~-~ ~ede, fittings heve to he taken, the~ you here to wait t111%he gums s~ set so the Jaw won,t resede, end even then you mey here to go beck thr~e or four times if the pelete is $~Titeted or the -~-- bite overlaps. ~ENNIS: FO~ someone who doesn't wear 'em you're Sure ~n expert. JACK ~ ~ CU~ ~ out...l~ok, ~, if you Just O~ here to 8~rsvste m~a yOU osn ~o ho~ now. MARY:~,Don't mind hi~, ~%18..whenever he's sick, he gets to,/oi'~" ~NNIS: Oh tNt's ell ~I t;s t on you~ chest, M2. Benn~ JACK: AN OML~fTE, T}~RE'S VAPO~RUB IN IT' .... Thet ~¢s Meryls brilllont idea. Nn I wouldn't cot it, she ~eld, "Put it on your chest." MARY: I only told you to put it on your chest for s geg. JACK: ~',I/LL, IT FEELS WONDER~, SO ~ lAUGH'S ON YOU:...~ ~r 8S I~ co~cer~ed you can 811 lesveme 81or~. MARY: Oh J~ck, ~hy don't you t~ke a nap ~nO rest fo~ ewhile. JACK: I told you I cen't sleep, l~m ~oo nervous. MARq: ~4e!l, close your eyes end relex..you'll he ell might. JACK: Okey, m~ eyes are closed. Am I sleep? No:...I tell yo~ I ~m too restless. EENNIS: Do you :~ent me to ~ you to sleep? JACK: Oh fine..thet's all I need. RF ~TH01 0020139
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~NNIS: J~CK: M~NY: IENNIS: JACK: You know I'm very soothlug. All rlght,,slng m~o ~l~ep~. (~J~LES) . it's Rock- s-Bye B~by in the Tree Top...Thst alweys gets W. ,~ ~ink I w's slxm°nths °l~,~nn~" (~/EISPERS) Go shesd..slng, (~s~s) Oksy. (MUMBLING) Dern this mstt~ess, it's so lum~y!!.I think I~'ll tske it to th~ b~k Mondey, (~ENNIS'S SO~) K~ ~r ~TH01 0020140
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~, ,, (SECOND ROD~I/~ ) -8- JACK: Z~NNI5: MARY: JACK: I~I~ClS : MARy: JACK: IE~I8 : 3AOK: IENNIS: JAOK: B~Y: JACK: MARY: BAbY: JACK: e. BAGBY: JACK: BA~By : ( SNORE~ TWICE) (WHISPERS) Gee, I put him to sleep el1 right. You "sure did. look at him lying t~r~...doesn't he look llke 8 baby? Yeah, ell he needs is e rattle and e ton of make-up. (QUICE SNORE AND WA~3 UP) Huh?...Whet hsppend~? You were asleep. I was not. I'm toe restless to sleep...NOW go ahead, Dennis sLi~ yp~ so~. I already s~ it, l'm not go~ to sing it eg~im. All right, don't sing,..but don't try to toll me I wee 8sleo] when I wasn't...everybody tries to make out that I'm--- (somo: DOOR O~NS) ~. . oll leo heo here-- your piano Ohaml~ Bagby. Hello, Msry...Hi ya, Jack, how's the invalid? Not so good, Charlio~ i~ got a cold. ~r, A. __ Fm Say Charlie, how is it Frenkle Remley didn't eo~e with you? Wall, he couldn't make it, but he wanted me te give this to Jack...It's 8 paintina~ A painting? Remley sent me a painting? Well, he did this himself. And he's very proud of it. Let ~ see...So Remle[ painted this, eh? Yesh...l think it's quite unusual. EW RrHO1 0020141
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BAGBy: JACK: I~NNIS: JACK: BAGBy: JACK: x~cErw~ uP) Ee's feelir~ thenk tell him (SOUND: Yell:...Nho was thai eautiful face. do they keep score on it? you know abuut ~o~n. thet on your chest, Jack? An omlette...Give me the thermometer, Rochester. RTH01 0020142 i, i .
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ROCH: ~ YOU faE...OPEN YO~ MOUTH. JACK: ~*~H, (p~ PENCIL IN H~ MOUTH) BAGBy: Say Mary, has Don Wilson been over~ to sea ~. Ben~? MARY: ~t yet, he's probably soared after what hsppeoed. BAGBy:~What's~" ke scared about? It %tss~~t Do2'e feult, JACK~ (WITH ~NCI~, IN H~ MO~TH) It vssn't Don~lt?_o If I told him once, I told him e thousand timoe.~on't ber~e in on ROOH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: A BAN~A, AND A ORApg, ROCk: JACK: ROCH: 8~ %WO AND FAI~. JACK: BOOR I'~ILL ~OT CONV]I~ THAT / JACK: //~Ow cut thet out...J~et see if you can / // together. RNCH: OKAy. (SOUND: DOOR SLAM] BTHO~ 0020{~3
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,-+ . . JACK: MARY: Hello, Jeok...I'm awfully sorry about what he/~ned isst week, end I ceme over to spologize, o .How do ~ou feel? Fine, llm 818d yOU bsraSd in,.,HOW+S the lltt~e woman? Oh, Jeck, I , Ill ........ ~,,,i, .. J \ D%' ~TH01 00201~
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JACK: It's not only the sold..but when he left me stS~dlng in the rain, a stlck-up man came along ~ I got hooked for eight dollars end slxty-five Cents. JACK: ~...It was a te~ible experlen0e. BASB~: Did the gay pull a gun on you, Jsek? MAFX: Ec~ else 6ould he ~et e~ht dollars and sixt~-fi~e cents? JACK:~I wasn't afrald ~ JACK. Because he stuck~n~C~./~. JACK." ~,~: I GOT MORE MON~., THAN BLOOD AND S~T ~ b ~pe you're happy, Mr. Wilson, for eveF/~hin8 ~ou,~V..you'v~.. DON: Oezundhelt. JAOK: Keeo It .... And Don, if you think you san oc~e here, apologize, and expect me to forgive you Just iLke that, you're sadly mlsteken. DON: But Jack, I even went to the trouble of bringing the Sportsmen OV~ ~ her~. JACK: The Sportsmen? DON: yesh..COME ON IN, F~/X~W8. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) ~~A~ ~)rln~ ,eJn her~? DON~'thongbt maybe they could sing for you and cheer you up, / "DON, as: :" --' ATX01:0020145
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I II IIIIII I I II QUART: qUAI~: ~ YOUR FACE WITH SUN~ PUT ON A G~AT BIO SMI~ FILL THOSE BLUE E~ES WITH IAUGPf~ER FOi~ WISL BE IA~HI~G ~I~4 YOU IN A LITTLE WH.18TLE A TUNE OF GIADNESS GLOOM ~ WAS IN STYLE F~'S BRIGHT~ WHEN ~ABTS ABE LIGHTEB SMILE SMILE LIGHT UP A GOOD OLD LUG~X PUFF ON IT FOR Ak"~IIE MADE OF BUCK FINE TO~C~O YOU WILL ENJOY A LUC}X BM0~ IT WITH A SMIL~ LDOKIES AP~ ALWAYS FRESI~R OLFANER AND SMOUTP~R, TOO A~D THERE'S A ~ASON TNAT SO pLEASING QUARk: A LUCEY'S TOASTED THAT'S WNY WE'VE BOAST~ YOU WILL LIKE A GOOD 0~ LUO~X FaGM OLD ~X LUOK~ 8TRINE (APPLAUSE) -12#. - ~rH01 0020J46
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(THIGD R0~D~) DON: JACK: -13- Do you f~el better now, Jack? Oh sure su~...ever~bOdy sings to me, nobody bPings~ candy. 5E~ DON: Well, ~hywey, Jack, it sure makes me feel better~ that we,re .~isnds again.. JACK: ~'WJ~efre not D~ien~s 8geln - you've got a long w~ to go. DON: But J:,ck, once in a while even an elephant forgets. JACK: Well, ~i~ ought to ~ow, ~orother. DON: (MAD~ Oh yeeh? Well, if that's the way you levi, I take bec! my a 2ology. JACK: Tak~ it back...who ares~ D0~: OHH~4, ..COME ON GET OUT OF ~ - I'VE DO~ A~-~ CAN. JACk: What 8 big fat hypocrite. MARy: Jack, I stlll think you're being childish...yo- two ought to kiss en~ make up. JACK: I wo~IdnTt kiss Don Wilson if I was a French General., ,The HI~'---feel~ow I'd just about ---- (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) JACK: Oh,.4itts about time. NELSON: WELLILI/~, HG~'S MY LI~ MAN THIS BRIGHT AND CHEE~ DAy. JACK: AS if ~ cared...I~ been waiting fo~ you since early this i~orr~Ir~, NELSON: Well, don't holler st me. I was up all night with Gene Autrey' s horse. ~,.,~, ~ow that ~u,re here, you can look me over, Yes, Indeed...Now let,s see, what's w2ong with you? JACK: NELSON: ,'~TP;O'I 002014P J:
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JACK: N~ON: I,ve Eot 8. cold, A cold, he se~Vs~ JACK= o o, _ ..... NELSON: ~tof red is be~ti[ul with the .:..And another thlng, lira hungry...Is it all right if I eat something? N~SON: Oh, no no...yo~ should starve ~ cold 8~d feed a fever. JACK: Oh. N~ON: Or is it starve a fever and feed a cold? JACK: yOU,RE TI~ DOOTOR, YOU ~ ME'...Now if you can,t handle this, Just say so ~ I,ii call some one who ~n. NELSON: My, we,re irritable teday...Let,s see, I better test your ~nemes? ~ JACK= My~ ~ ? ? N~ON: Yes, wOUld you mind ereesing you~withers. JACK: The~,re my legs..°~ there,s nothing wrong with my reflexes it,s Just that I keep coughing and sneezing. N~$ON: Well, in that case, I,d better give you a cold shot..Thet,l] fix you up in no time. But Dee, I don't want a shot. 1,11 Just fill my hypodermic needle° you, re not going to stick that needle in reel Oh, let him, Jack. He knows what he's do:hnS. ~,~ut I don't need it, Mary, I,ve Just got a little cold. NOW hold still and I'll put this needle riEht in your arm. JACK: NELSON: JACK: MANY: JACK: N~ON: GH RTH01 0020148
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.... '~:';'~1ii i ] .... I I I ~1 • ~:.?~l'-:~~ - <-"~llllll~~'~ t,lf ,,,, ~/ • . .~ , -15- JACK: I R01L UP MY SL~ECE..I r~ver saw such a~ impatient-- ON, ha,t hit. go. JACK: Now, Doc..tePrr~-~0ooooh/my arm. NEISON: There, now that wasn.t so bad, was it? JACK: It was, too..my arm hu1~s like anything. N~-eON: Should I kiss it for you? JACK: Don. t bother. NELSON: Now I want you to Est all the sleep you can..I!ll leave ~ box of these pills..take on% before retlri~. JACK: Ok~7. MAB~: Why donlt you take one now, Jask, so yOU can ~st for a while? JACK: Yeah..I think I will. N~ON: Well, I'll Pun alone, now, Mr. Benny..See you t~morPow .... Goodbye. JACK: Goodbye. . (sOUND: DOOR CLOSES) JAOK~ Now if you kids will all ~ ~0N: Excuse me. JACK: Now what? N~-$ON: I forgot to take the needle out of your arm. JACK: What? ~ON:I lose more darn needles that way. JACK: WElL FC~ }~%r~NiS SAKE, FuLL IT ~JT. NELSON: All right, now hold still. (SOUND: SUCTION NOISE AND POP), JACK: 0ooh. GE RT~01 0020149
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M.~ * ~I~-_~!'! ~~ ~--~ ~-~!-~tl i~~. L[ ~ .... ~_~ -16- ~ISON: There we are..Well you tomorrow..Goodbye, Fro. Benny. .... JACK: Goodbye, goodbye. NELSON: Now letts see, who's my next patlent..0h yes, Barbara Stsnwyck,s cocker spaniel. (SO~D: DO~ sLA~) JACK: O ~ne doctor I picked. MARY: Well, it's your own fault, why did you call e Veternsrian? JACK: Because what happened to me shouldn't happen to a do82... Now I wieh ~ou'd all go home and let me get sO~e 81eep. BAGBy: 0key, JBok..I'll be seeln~,, you. I~NNI8: Goodbye, Mr. Benny, I hope you feel better. . JACK#U~Thanks, ~..So lor~, Mary. MANY: So long, Jack, see you tomorrow. (sou : DOOR cuma ) JACK: Eoch?ster.i..(yAWNB) Rochester, I'm going to sleep..If I get any cells, don't disturb me. ROCH: OKAy, BOSS..IF THAT STF~ET L~GHT ~ YOU, i CAN PULL T}~ SHAZE. JACK: No no ..I may wake up and feel like resding..Goodnight, Rochester. ROSH: GOODNIGHT. JACK: Oh, by the way, .'~, wake me up in time to watch the General Electric Theatre on televielen..l'm on it tonieht. ROSH: OKAY, BOSB. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) flTP;01 002015:0
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-16A- / JACK: (YA~S) Gee, I hope I con get e good night,s rest.. ?his pill does n~ke you kind of drowsy 8t thBt..(YAWNS)..-q~ Wilson had 8 lot of nerve coming over here tonlght..I csn,t get over thst guy..811 this trouble l'm hevi~ for no reeson et alI...(yAWNS)..If I told him once~ X told hJ~ s thousand times...Csll up~ ...... -- ~ ~,~ng 1~..(s~o~s)..1,~ ~o ~ ~a to ~ 8,18~ ~uy.. (s~s ~zc~) (SOUND: WINDOW OPENING) RF AT~O! 002015!
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-17- JACK: What's that?..Who,s that at the w~ndow? ~: All right, buddy, stick ,em up. JACK: WHAT? MEL: Oe~ on, glmme your douSh! JAOK: Why, you,re the same guy that got me at Don Wilson,s house.. Remember, I ~as in the rose bushes. ever mind that, han~ your doush, JACk: YOU can,t do this tO ~e. I,m & sick man..l'W got a cold. MEL: A cold, he says..Ncw come on, fork over. JAOK: Gee, I gave you all the money I had in m~ shoe,,eve~y cent of it...Remember? M~L: This time I ~ant you~ ~tross! JADE: Y1__~|....Oh no ~you ~o~'t. (SOUND: SC~NG NOISE~) JACK: GIVE ME THAT GUN!..Iq~L TEACH yCU TO BF~AK I~O PEOPLE'S HOUSES ' M~: NO NO, DON'T SHOOT..FLFASE, DON'T SHOOT' JAOK: TAE~ THAT, (SOUND: ~Xm LC~O Q~ S~rS) M~: Oooooooh. (SOUND: BODY T~JD) JACK: Oh my goodness! ~t hay8 I dong?....I~ve kLlied him, Itve killed hlm! (SOUND: DOOR 0PEES) BOSS..B0~S! WHAT'S TNE MA~ER? / JAOK: CAIL T}~ POLICE, ROOP~ST~...I JUST "KILLED A ROCH: WAKE UP, BOSS, !WAE~ UP~ JAOK: I'M NOT ASL~p, I JUST KILLED A MAN..CAN'T M~J SEE? RTH01~ 0020152
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.......... ~. , , ,i~¸¸ ,i.¸ ~= ~ ~ ~" - : . ..... ~-. 4, -18- ROCH: B0~, WJ~ UP| YOU DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY, yOU'VE B~ JACK: Dreamlrg?..Oh, t~nk Heaven..Gee, It wss so ~£vld..so real... You k~.~w, Soohester~you d ~ !~cUd of me if y~ seen how brave I was Just now. ROUH: WHAT AT~ yOU TAL~NG ABOUT? JACK: When that big tough burglar came in the room ar~ stuck that gun in mY face, was I soared?..~...l Erabbed the gun out of hls hand and let hlm have It..Bang, ~ ~ berg! • ..Boy, did I give ~t to hlm! RCCH: BOSS, ~ YOU~mR~T}~ RIG~ PILLj YOU'RE A TI~R. JACK: You said it, .Well, I.m going back to sleep now, Rochester. If anything happens, 1.11 let you know..Ooodni~it. ROOH: GOOD~IG~, BOSS..,.~ ~ ~ H~, WHAT A MANJ (APPLAUSE AND PI~YOFF) GH RTNOI, 0020~3
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~$~CK B~NNY PROGRAM CLOSI~ WILSON: -C- CO~CIAL Jack will be back in Just s minute, friends, but first, I,d llke to s~y something important to you clgerette smoke~a. Vnen you light up a Lucky, you can be sure you'll get the better taste you want. That,s because a Lucky is tosste~ to taste better. Of course, the ~ of%otter taste is fine tobacco. LS/MFT - Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And then ... IT's TOASTED' That's the famous Imcky Strike process that briP~s Izckies fine tobacco to its peak of flavor.., tones it up to make this naturally ~ood-t~sting tobacco taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes~ thatto wb4f Luckles taste better. It's the cigarette of fine tobacco end It's Toasted.i So remember °.. ~O~LN~acre) T PAPrikaS V~SION OF so.s --59 S~C. ) If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, Strike is the brand to bet: IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP ... CLAP, CIAP) eig-e-rette. They take fi~ tobacco, it's ~ tobscco, it's tobacco, it's mil__.~d tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTF~, yes IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brln~s the flavor right through. (~o~) ATe01 0020154
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THE JACK BENNY- FBOGRAM SET #6 -D- ( TRANS(~D: ~OP SON8 --39 ~.) COtlT 'D. So, to get betteP teste from your c£g-~-rette, St~Ike is tbs brsnd to get: IT'S TOASTED ~o 81re you the best t~ste yet, It's tho tosstsd (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) ci~-8 -Pette'" ~r RF ATe01 0020155
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~!_J ! (T~) ROOH: JACK: A ROCH: IT,S JACK: DON: JACK: apologize (SOUND: Hello, Don, this is for the wa~ I acted -i, RrH01 00Z0156
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DON: -20 - The Jack Benn~ Program tonight vas written by B~m perrln, Milt JosefBber~, George Balzer, John TaokaberXT, A1 Gordon, Hal Goldman, and produced and transorlbed by Hilllard Marks. The Jaok Benny Program is brou~t to youbyLuck~ Strike, produot of tbe Amerioan Tobacco Co~pany .... Amerloa's leading manufacturer of oigarettes. IM F~TH01 0020152
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S~D 80F~PT .L • 0 ANY ~z~ A R SU~AL N0V~m~ 28, Z~ CBS ~=00-~:30 PM PST (Trsuscrlbed -Sept. 28, 195~) JACK ROCHESTER I~IS DAy BPORTS~ QUARTET DON WILSON ~L BLANC 5~A~ SHIRLEY MITO}~LL CHARIE~ BAGBY ARTXE A~CK RUBIN BY AVERBAOK F~TM01 ~ 0020"/58
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¢o cco "TE8 JAOK ~ p~0GRAM" #i ' 28, 195 wILSON: COLLINS. WITH OROH. B.G. WILSON : (TRANSORI~O) COLL~S: WITH m,_L ORCH. B.G. T~ JACK ~TBY PROGRAM....transcribed and presented by LUCKY STRIKE....the clgarette that.s ~ to taste better'. If ~o~ want bette~ taste from ~o~r ci@-ar-ette, L c~ ~ is the brand to getl It's TOAS~ to give yo~ the best taste ~et. It's the toast~ (C~P...C~P, CLAP) cig-a-re;~e. They take ~ %obaoco, Iris ~ tObaO00, it'@ mild tobao¢0, too. TheD IT'S TOASTED, yes. IT'S TOASTED, BeCause 5he tOaBt~Bg br~Dgs the ~lavoP ~":~t tb~O~. SO tO ~et better tsBte £1~ yotlP O~-~ettet Sr~ is the brand to getE IT'S TOASTED to give ~o~ t~e bes~ t~ste ~et, It'~ ~he ~ (CIAp.. ,CLEF, C~P) cl~-a-rett~' Th~s i~ Don Wilson. I'd li~e you to listen to J~t the last part of that son~ once again. It's ~he ~ (ClAp...01AP, OLAP) Oi~-a-reSte: RT~01 0020159
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AI~RIOAN TOBAD00 COMPANY JAOK II~NY ~ROGR~I.I" #1 NOVB~R 2~, 195~ OP~Z~ 00M~ROIAL. {CONTINt~D~ WILSON: That's one i~ortent ~soD a Luc~ tastes better. It's ~1 The fine rococo that goes into every LUS~ is ~ to taste better. "IT'S TOASt" -- t~e famous Lucky Strlke ~rosess -- brings Luokies, fine tobacco to Its ~eak of flavor-- tones up this light, mild, oatuml~ good-testlog tobacco to make it taste even better. Oleane~, fresher, smoother. That,s why we sa~ thls: want Peal en~o~nent fx~m ~ou~ oi~a~ette...make It Z.~o~ Strike | ( RAN .RIleD) "~Tou-~azLt better taste fro m..yoRr~ a-:cetta, 0~..B.O. , " --/ IT~ to give yo~ the best~ RTHO~ D020160
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-1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COMMEROIAL, MUSIC UP A~D DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROQP~M, STARRING JACK B~NY..WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCm~TER, I~NIS DAy, BOB CROSBY, AND rTOUK$ TRULy" DON WILSON. (APPIAUSE..MUSIC UP A~D DOWN) DON : lADIES AND GE~TL~4EN, TONIG}~ JACK ~ I~ ANOT}~ SHOW..BUT b~ARWHILE, I 'D L~E TO TAKE YOU ~A0K TO ~STERII~Y A~ OUT TO JA~ HC~E IN B~VERLy HILL$...IT IS A TYPICAL MORNING ~ THE BERNY HOU~E~IOLD..AI~ AS WE LO(K IN, ROGHEST~R IS ~JSY IN THE KITO~. ROCH: WELL, I ~ FINISH 8QU~.ZING THESE ORAN0~8. (SOUND: ORANGE JUICE WINS ~) R0CH: GEE, THAT LOCKS GOOD...ORANGE JUICE IS SO ~0NIE~UL WHEN IT'S FRESH...THF~REIS S(~ETHIEG ABOUT IT W}~N THE 0RANOES THE FIRST TIME MR. ~h~Y PICE~ T~...~ TOLD MR. COLMAN THAT WHILE IT WAS HIS TREE, SINCE THAT LI~ WAS GROWING OVER INT0 OUR YARD, IT WAS OUR LEGAL PRO~ ...... I THOUGHT THE BOSS WAS WRONG, TOO, BUT THE SU~ COURT ORANGE JUICE...NOW TO PUT T~ C(FF~8 ON. (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS...OU~Fk'~ POT ON STOVE) ~T~OI 0020161
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IJA MEL: (SQUAWEB & SINGS ~01~LY) Goodei~t, sweetheart, till we meet tomorrow...GooduiSht, sweetheart...(WHISTLe5) ROCH:~0H, POLLY....I FORGOT TO ~ T~ COV~R OFF YOUR CAGE. (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS...STOP...COVER ~I~ FSOM CASE) BOCH: THEF~ YOU Al~. ~: (SIHGS) Oh, what a beautiful mo~iug, F~:~-IT SU~ IS A NICE DAY, POLLY. ROCH: JACK: SOCE: JACK: SOCE: JACK: SOCK: JACK: ROOH: JACK: oh, what a (SQUAWEB) Tuoney Beats Dempsey...Tunuey Beats Dempsey.. (SQ~WKS) I G~ IT'S ABODT TI~ I CHANGED THAT pAPER ON~ ~ POLLY,S CAGE...WELL, I ~ GET i~R S0~ TO ZAT. (GO 'LE OF ApPY SQUAW ) (sounD: DOOR OIlErs) (UP A~D BP/Gh~) OH, GOOD MO~, MR. ]~. (DOWN IN DUMPS) Good morDin~, Rochester. HERE,S A NICE BIG GI~2~ OF FRESH OPANGE JUICE. - don't want any. OH. •..WELL, WHAT DO YOU WART FOR BEEAEFAST? Nothing. BUT BOSS, DON 'T YOU WANT ANYTHING AT ALL? Well...yes...get me some smelllng salts...some Turns... fix me an Alk~-Seltzer...and get me a bottle of aspirin. WHAT,S THE MATTER, ARE YOU SICK? No, ~ Dennls Day is coming over...I oouldelt talk him o~t of it. ~ T~'O t 0020162
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e,, -3- ROCH: YOU SHOUL~ 'T LET N]~4 UPSET YOU LIKE TNAT. JACK: I shouldnrt eb? T~t stupi~ kid called me up at three o'clock thls morning to ask me how I felt. ROCH:~ WOULD ~ CALL YOU AT THPZ~ IN THE M0~ING? JACK: He said he thought my llne wouldn't be bu~y then., .I can't u~derstand that kld...Anyway, he told me he was coming over today to let me hear his soog. ROOH: IBN.T THAT~ASON UR USUALLY COMES OVER? JAOK: Ye ,~but ~ h~staPts that silly talk ~ he ~ives • e DUtS...But he woD't do it today...I WOe't give him a chance to do auythin~ but sing...A man can ~ sta on~-~ much and then --- ~L: (SQUAWKS) Truman defeats Dew~...T~n defeats Dewey.. JAOK: Oh Sood, Rochester, you changed the pape~ in Poll~'s ,..Was there any mail, Rochester? ROCH: IT DIDN'T C0~ YET...BDT YOU DID HAVE O~ IMPORTANT PHONE CALL..HILLIARD MARKS, YOUR PRODUCER, 0AL~ FROM O.B.S. TO ELL YOU THAT TEE TI~ OF TOMORROW'S ~FARSAL HAS CHANGE~. ~i~~: Oh, good....You know, Rochester, that's oD c things competeot peop~of ~ii the details, a~ /~t~morr ow ".,. ~_ /~ IDON 'T E~OW, UR ~ORSOT TO TELL ME. • RT~01 0020163
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. JACK: ~...Well, I better call up and find out. (som~: tOOTLE ~OTSTEPS. ,BEOEaVER UP,.. DIALING FIVE OR SIX TI~..BUZZING.. ~N PLUS IN) ~ello, O.B.B. The Stars~ AC~trese...Yes elr...Hold the llne, 1,11 see If I can locate blm. (B0U~D: pun o~) SHIFJ~Y: Who was ~at, Gertrude? BEA: Jack Benny...he w~nts I should get him hie producer. SHIELE~: Oh, that Benny...~lws~s maki~ us do things...He's a pain in the neck! Not to me...I like him and he likes me. S~ : Really? yeah...if I tell ~ou a eeere~, will 3ou promise to it a secret? SH~Ri~Y: Oh sure...I sweet on my picture of Pin~ Lee. Okay, I.ii tell ~ou...Lest June Jack Ben~ end I nearly --~No kiddlng..w~t bappen~ te s%optbee~~ ~p~" our window? ~ ~_A:/~ok...~e w~ @uppo~ed %o pa, for~%oo, / SHI~: All riebt., o Nil mew.hag ha~Nned a~~ BEA: ~ ~ot into a cab and rode Ove~ to the Justio8 of the Peace, a~d he started resdlng t~e ~sremeny. RTMO1iOO2015a
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-5- SHIRLEY: Yneh, yeah, yeah. 2~A:~When be got3the pert that says, 'With all my worldly Eoods I thee erdow"~ Jack ran out so fast be broke the Bound barrier..I was never so emba~ssnd in my llfe. SHIRLEY: I can imagine. Now I wo~idu't marry Jack if he was the last man on earth. SHIA%I~: ...Ssy, the way he ~eeps going on, he's liable to be. yeah...Anyway, I'm Elad I broke up with him. I've stortod goins out with Dennis Day. ~RL~: That dumb kid? Who, Dennis Day? SHIRLEY: yeah, he's so dumb he thinks the Ensllsh Chmmnel i8 where you watch old pictures on televlsio~. I~A: Nell set her. A regular Imo~Ine CooCoo. YOU k-mow, Mable, sometimes you think yo~'ve -~-~- ~ ...... (SO'GI~D: B~ZEn) I~A: Gee, Mr. Benny Is sure impatient... (SOU~: PLOD IN) I~A: I'm sorry, M~.Benny, but your producer imm,t in. JACK: Oh, well keep t~ing...But when you set hi~, Gertrude, @ ' toll him - Gertrude, did you feel that..,.I was - positive I felt an earthquake...Oh well, Eoodbye, Gertrude. (SOUND: R~IVER DOWN...FOOTSTEPS..SUSTAIN IN B.a.) JACK: ~ ~uney, I was s~e l felt an esrt~neke - the whole room shook. RT~01 0020165
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DON: . Hello, Jack. JACK: Oh DOn, what a Pellef...so It wee you? KOCH: I LET HIM IN, MR. ~RBY. JACK: Oh...Don, when you Ca~ in, the whole ho~e Shook...I oan,t understand why they didn't fool it do~ at C.B.S .... itls only six tulles. DON: Now wait a miDu~k~ttiDg awfully tired of all these remsrMs about my size. JACK: But Don -- DON: i'm Ixrobably lighter on my feet than you ape...Why, last week, I went to Arthur Murrayls for some dmDcing lessone, end he was amazed. JACK: Really? DON:Yes, he said I danced like a big fat NlJlos~. (~ , -~9. LAUGH IT UP) ~ / JADKY---~.. ~...Tbls I don't umde~atand...Me yeS.bawl oN, sod yet you yoorself make Jokes about your size. DON: I ~ow, Jack...You see, when you do it, ItTe an insult, but when I pull a joke ~ my own expense Itls dlfferent.. ~hows I'm a good sport and can take it.. ~Like... well, for instance, you'd be the first to admit yo~'re a lo~sy violinist. KOCH: THE ~ I M T~ FINST. JACK: You ~eep out of thle...Don, what dld you ¢O~e over for? DON: ~, Jack, I brecht the Sportsmen Quartet with me -- JACK: I saw them, but I didnlt went tO saN hello to them because IJm sick of thst "bmmmmm"...Why don't ~o~ just have them go ahead ard let me hear their number. • -% . i RT~01 0020166
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--7- , Jack, I didctt bi',luE them over to sine to ~ou. , JACK: ~ that s what you always do. DON: I bow, but thas is different. You know, Jack, every time yea go any~he~e they come over and slug goodbye to you. And when you come back, t~ey welcome you home wAth a song...but today th~ want you to slng to them. JAOK~Why? DON: Itls their birthday. JAOK: Well, 1,11 be~...walt a ~Dute...did you say today is their biPthday? DON: Uh huh. JAOK: All fo~ of them have the same bi~bday? ~" I 'ii tell you somQtblng that's ev~n more ~zin~ than that. ~hey Were all herd in the same rove...Btor~ L~ke, Iowa. JAOK: NO ] DON: Y~, J~ok, and 1o the same hosplt~l! 1 __ JAOK: f What a coincideoce, ..0ely ~ ~iot wrlteP8 woul~ think of a thlug llke that. Ar~j~ay, Don if you say it's thelr birthday, I'll sing to them .Hey fellows --- (SINGS) HAPPY B~Y TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAy TO YOU, • , HAPP~ BIRT~Y, E~ SPOr~N, NAPpY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. f~)" k~O'l 0020"/6?
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/ ,r ,, ,,, QUART: HAPPY BIRTH~y TO US HAPPY BIRTHDAy TO US HAPPY BIRT~y FROM yOU ALL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US SH BOOM HAPPY BLRT~Y TO US -8- HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY ~L~PPY HAPPY HAPPY B~Y TO US HAPPY BIRTH~Y TO US HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY NAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTH~Y TO US HAPPY BIRTH~Y FROM YOU ALL HAPPY BIR~ YOU TO EVERYO~ OF US ~IBAT A HAP, WHAT A HAP, WHAT A HAPPY DAy WFAT A HAP, ~'~AT A ~AP, }~{AT A HAPPY DAY WHAT A HAP, %'Pr~T A HAP, ~P~AT A HAPPY DAy WHAT A HAPPY LITTLE DAy IT IS LSM, ISM, LSMFT TA~ A FJFF, TAKE A PUFF AND YOU ~.~ILL A@REE LSM, LSM, LS~T IS THE ONLy CIGAHETYE FOR THE ONLY CIGARE~ FOR ME IS LUCKY STRI~ JUST TAKE 0~ PUFF AND YDU'I~ AGKEE THAT LUCKIES }{AWE A BETT~ TASTE THEY'RE TOASTED TOASTED, YOU KNOW T~'RE TOASTED WHAT A HAp; WHAT A HAp, ~'r*'MT A HApFY DAY TAKE A PUFF, TAI~ A PUFF, AND YOU ~';ILL SAY HAPPy DAY, HAPPY D~Y (MoP ) ..% < 4. ~TW,01 0020168
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-9- ~: Now.~ ~ m~ow ~ ~ o~ SILLY, BUT PLEASE REMEMBER -- QUART: THOUGH WE MAY BE FROM EJ~ WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER LSM~T, LSM~T, LSM~, L~ YES, yOU'lL AGREE EVERYONE IS SUBE TO LI~ A LUCKY STRIKE. (AFRL~USE) DY RrK01 0020169
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\ (~00~ RC~'T~ ) -IO- JACK: Fellows, thet wss ~.lly Ere,t...nd DOjSJ~~ over he1~ with thoso---~ JACK: Excuse m~, I better ~nswer thet. DON: Wel~ we'll run ~long, Jeck.,.so lor~. Don. . - " . JACK: So long, . - " i (scuHO: ~CEIVm~ UP) JACK: Hello? BAGBY: Fmllo, JBck. This i8 Cherlie Baghy, your pleno plsyer. JACK: Oh, hello, Cherlie. BAGBY: I'ii tell you wh~t I'm cslling you fo-~. ..I think I better b~ve my pieno fixed before the next broedcost. It hes twelve broken strl~s. ~ ", _ ~_ JACK: Twelve broken str~Id you fir~ thet out? BAGBY: yesterdey during rebesrs~l,..the Jenitor celled it to my 8ttention. ~ "~ minute, Cher!ie...You've been usin~ t~ piano BAGBY: ~th~strlngs were ?I~ " t tw JACK~ll, t~n in that cese,~them fixed? ~'--~. DY RTH01 0020170
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-ii- .......... 11 I L--~~,. ; , . .,3 JACK: Cberlle, do whstever you went tOk ~ 7/~ . BAGBY: Okey..And snother thi~....You're germs h~ve to do something ~bout Remley. JACK: /Y~?~enkle?A~t's~z;ong no~? BAGHY: Well, since he's been feeding tb~ orcbestr~ 8t the Hollywood Roosevelt Cimegrill, be's gotten so hlgh-h~t you cenlt do 8 thi~ with him. JACK: Remley, high-hat ? BAGBY: Yeeh, now he hss to hsve e gles8. He won1~Ink out of hot~l~ 8~k~'more. JACK: No' ! BAGBY: It's demo~sllzln~,~~ wBter. JACK: Yeeh, yesh,..,~'II~ to him when be gets %0 the broedcsst. BAGBY: I wish you uould. Goodbye. JACK: So 3.ong, Chsrlle. (SOUND: ~C~UWR DOWN) JACK: ~m~...Imsgire B~gby, of sll ~eople, criticizing Remley. Thst'8 s csse of the pot celllng the pot potted ..... ThoSe musicisns reBlly sre .... ROCH: SAy, BOSS, TH~ MAIL JUST CAM~. JACK: Oh good...give it to me. ROCH: T~E'S NOTHING MUCH, JUST THIS llvfTER. J~CK: L~t's see. (SOUND: LETTER ~EING TORN OPEN...PAP~ RIFFLING) RTHO| 0020171
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-12- 4- JA~: Oh,..it'~ from the Cgllfo~nle B~nk...It's ebout the mortgsge. ROCH: HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD T}~ MORTGAGE ON THAT HA~? JACK: Oh, Just s few yeers. They pay regulerly... Bey, Rochester, I heven,t hed ~ thing to est yet. Fix me e r sen~wioh or something, will you. ROCH: YES, SIR. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) ROOH: WA~T ME TO ANSW~ THE DOOR? • , JACK: No, you go mahe~lw1~a..oI'll snswer it. (~4 FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) JACK: Well, ~ S S~rprise. ARTIE: .~iIo, Mr. Benny. JACK: ~. E~T~L. (APPLAU~I~ JACK. ~, it s nloe seelug you~ ~. Kitzel. ARTIE: Mutusl...But I ~ss~k~you s fsvor. JACK: A favor? ARTIE: Y~.from now on, when you,re d~iving to the r8~lo studios co d you possibly give me s lift? JACK.'~ ~+~rh.Inly...but why? C~ki~ D~X ~to rBlse e little money. JACK: Oh. ARTIE: \ ~e~-~e, I'ii need the extr8 money beceus~ eround the middle of next month I'm expecting sn 8ddition to~~q~u~ f~mily. DY ~rHO~ 0020~72
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JAOK: i i] i lln i ~, isn't that nice...~h~t do you went, ~. Kitsel, 8 boy or s glrl? ~ither one would be delightful. Ye~h. £L~ But unfortunetely it's my mother-ln-lsw~oml~ for s vlelt. Oh...the wsy you put it# I thought you were expecting B bundle from he~ven. A bundle she is, but from he~ven, this is doubtful. 0h...well, since you hod to t~e snother job, I suppose you like it et the studio. ART]E: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ART]E: JACK: ART]E: Oh yes...it's very pleosant...especially for me I toe to be sround ~n~-1~. Jeo~oP$...m~slclet~...end singers....especially sin@ers. JACK: Oh, you like good slu~ingj~ ARTIE: Definitely...on this subject I'm ~ ~...I oollect records end everything. JACK: Reslly ..... well, tell me...who's your fevorite singer? ART=: Net "King" Cohen. ~ N~ ~6qq,~q JACK: No, no, Mr. Kitzel. 's ~ '~(ing" ~...Cole• ART]E: Cold, oool...bs'er~el 8or,9, JACK: (LAUGP/NG)~e~, Mr. Kitzel...from now on, I'll give , _ yOU e llft whenever 1 80 to the 8tudlo. (APPLAU~) (SOUND: COUPL~ FOOTST~PS..D00R OIEN..COUPLE DY DIS~S RAILING ) k~ 2 RTH01 0020123
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.t -14~ JACK: ROCH; JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROUH: JACK: ...~ ROCH: IT'LL Is ~f sen~wich ree~, Rochester? IN A MINUTE. ,WAS THAT DONNIS D~Y AT T}~ DOOR? No, it wss Mr. MItzel. OH...WELL, REMEmbER WHAT YOU SAID.....~N ~. DAY DOE8 COME, DON'T LET HIM GET yOU I~0 ANY CON~SATIONS...JUST MA~ HIM SING. Don,t worry, I'll do it....0h Rochester...instesd of coffee...I,ll here tee todey. YES SIR: IT WITH SUGAR AND CREAM? e slice of lemon. BE A C0124ANS DON'T JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROUH: JACK: No, thst must be Dennis ~k~e-~-h~..I'ii enswer it. OKAy, BOSS, AND ~ WHAT you--- I'll remember, 1,11 remember. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS) DONNIS: Hello Fro. Benny--- JACK.~V" ~~ DONNIS: JACK: ~NNIS: JACK: S~y, Mr. Benny, do you know thst--- Sing your song, Dennis. I will, but I w~nt to tell you thet--- Don,t telk, just sing. DY RT~01 00201?4
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-15- ~ENHIS: JACK: JACK: ~NEIS: JACK: But I thought you'd be interested in the --- Not lnte~es~Y..,..~'Come on over to the pleno. (SOUND: ~P~L FOOT~PS) JACK: Now sit down st the pleno ~nd slr~ your 8oPt. (SOUND: SCUFFLING OF BENCH) Good, just sing. But Mr. Benny, I or.ly wented to tell you --- (SOUND: ABOUT SIX ~ IN A I~NDH OF PIANO ARE HIT TOGEIC~R IN ONE LOUD CHORD) OUCH' sing or I'Ii push your bead down egoin. Oksy# I'ii sing. (ZF~IS' so~ -- '~") (APn U ) 4 : DY ~TH01 00201P~
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' CTm~o ~nm) DENNIS: -16- JACK: D~NNva: JACK: JACK: DENIS: JACK: DENNIS : Mr. Benny, nsw that I finished my song, I think I ought to tell you-- Don,t tell me a thing..you came over to sing your song... you sang it..now X,ll walk you to the door Rnd you can go homo. (sou~: FOOTS~ SUSTA~ ~ B.G.) But, Mr. Benny -- NO buts..you sang, now go..Berets the door. (SOU~: DOOR OP~NS..NOW WE ~ AN ~.PPROACHING SIgN AND FI~E ~ A~ TRUCK STOPPING) ~,~ fire engine, I woeder why it's stopplng here. I tried to tell you, your house is on fire. Well, of all the -- I tried to tell him, ~but all he said was (M~ICS JACK) ,, ~ 0~,~, glng~k.. Just sing., not Interested-- sins or I,II push your face down agaln~" Nobody ever lis ( JACK: OH, ~. RUBIN: (OFF) Don't get exoited, Mlster,.we got everything under control. JACK: ~ou sure, chief? RUBIN: yeah~, it was just a small rubbish fire..it~s &ll out..no damage ~t all. JACK:~ Good, good...Thank~ a lot. MUB~I: You're welcome., so long. (sou~: DOOR CTOSESi JACK: Dennis, I want to te~ you something. DENNIS: Yes sir? arM01 0020~26
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-17- JACK: I'll admit it was my fault for not ~ettlng you talk... o.o eli that. and om ly • in a house that you think is on five, then I ~ow there,s something wron~ with you and Ilm going rode something about it. D~N~: ~y, this iS eXOiting, Ilm gonna get f~ed. \ JACK: YoU're not ~ettin~ flred..~u,re a good singer, and I need you on my show..But once and for a~l, I'm going to I \ , d~isomethlng about the silly way you c~rr~ on. ~' , . DENNTa: ~tt are you going to do? , . JACK: Never mind, Just come with me..wemre going down n..,Co on.0 ~"~• (TRANSITION MUSIC J (SOU~: FOOTSTEPS ~ HALL..STOP) JACK: D~NNIS: JACK: I~NNIS: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: ~EA; JACK: ~A: DE~IS : This is the office we want, Dennis. Gee, look what it says on the door..Doctor Beinrioh Sohultz, P~yohlat~ist. Th.~t, s right. Well, it,s about time. It oertalnly is. You should have gone to him a long time ago. Itt~ not for mer Itle for you...Now come on in .... (sou~: DOOR OPENS) ~essir..whet can I do for you? I'm Jack Benny..I phoned Dr. Schultz m~d merle an appointment for Dennis Day. Oh yes...Is this Mr. Day? ~es ~et~* J. RT~01:~.002017?'
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,,~,,, ~. ,,11, rN -18- JACK: ~A: D~IS: E~A: DENNIS: ~A: DENN IS: ~EA: DENNIS : ~A: DENNIS: JACK: Has he ever been here to see the doctor before? Well, before you can go in and see the doctor, I.ll have to ask you some questicns..Your full name? Dennis Day. Your wife's name? lira not married. Parents? Two. I know you have two of them..but what are their names? Mr. and Mrs. Day. I know that, too.dbut I want to know thel~ first names.. what do they call each other. 1,11 tell the doctor, but I won,t tell ~on. :~mm. ~A ,," "' W~It a minute, .do ~o~/ ime~q t~t your f~h~r~ / l to tha ever... ,I,n tell t e- ootorj you Ire here, (SOU~: CLICK OF IST~COM) HY: (FXLTER) (SLIGh~ISNNE~) Yes, Miss Roberts. ~A: Dennis Day, your new patient is'here. ~Y: Well, ~eud him right in. RTN01 0020~78
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-19- t ~" The ~ ~..b.t ~hy?~ All ~ht, ~t ~_.~L'~, (BOT.,~D : OL'rO~) You m~y go in now, Mr. Day,~- d,e~'r-. (SOU}D:~ FE~ FOOTSTEPS..D00R OPENS) ~Ou~u How do ~ou do, ~ Dr. Schulbz. JACK: l~m Jack ~enny..and this is the youn~ man I talked to you about..Dennis Day. ~: How do ~ou do..Now Mr. Day, I think we better get right down to business. DENNIS: Yes, sir. ~: Supposing you tel~ me &l~ about yourself..startin8 with DENNIS: Well.. c o eu~e~..(You see, I was ~or~ in New York~4~ut when I was five months o~d, my parents moved to Buffalo, then six ~onthe ~a~er the~ movnd to Chicago, end two months later they moved to Cleveland, and a hal~dyear later ~hey moved to Pittsburgh. HY: They moved to Pittsburgh, eh? I~NNIS: Y~ithat's where I ~n~ly caught up wlth ~hem. RT~01 00201?9
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i flllil ii ii i -20- BY: Wait a minute..Mr. ~enny..he must be exe4~eratin8. .his perents couldn,t have deserted him that often. JACK: They couldnlt, eh?...Doctor, Dermis has been left on more doorsteps than the Los AnGeles Times. ~:~Ye~ lnterestinG...Ver~ imtemstimG. JACK: Well, I hope ~ou can help him, Doeter..Hels been with me for years now, e~d his silly behavior has made me g1~ before my time. ~: Really...How old are you, Mr. Benny? JACK: Thlrty-nlne. H~: ~m...well, one case at a tlme..°~ov/~ettlng back to 7o~r have ar~ ~ecldents? childhood, Mr. ~y~d~1 you ever ; ' \ ; ~E~IS : NO, slr. Wait a mlnute, Dennis..~ou had an aceident~when ~6U were a ? JACK. But what about ~&~o~ mothe~ was bathinG yOU end I~NNL~--, / ~sn,~ d:tng me out c, ft~ third story window to ~~nG man.you mean your mOther-i~.~/ (SOUND: I~T~COM BV~Z~) Excuse me, my ntu~se is buzzinG me. (SOUND: COU~uE FOOT~WI~PS..OLICK) Yes, nurse? RTH01 0020~80
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NoW Mr, llke you to Yes sir. .for the ~est of the examination, I should on that oouoh. JACK: Gee, this Oh, silly me and Smith 7ou (SOU~: Look, Doctor, there,s nothin~ Dennis, keep That's a good Idea...Now Dennis word association test. Word association? tell my last patient to get up ho~e now. & ODO~E8 ) Inatisn. to give you the That's rlght..l,ll say one w~rd ar~ you i~m~la~el~say the first word that comes t~-~e~m~.~ror~a~Sl~nee -- rais. RT~01 0020"~ 81
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DENN~ : snow. ~: Black. DENNIS: White. HY: Red. DENIS: BLue. -~ A JACK: HZ: Money. ~(AI (~ Mr. Benny, you keep out of this...Now lock, ~r~wastlng time, and after all, you know By fee is twentT-five dollars an hour. JACK: Gosh, that's a lot--I didn,t realize it wa6 going to cost you that much, Dennis, DENNIS: Cost me? It was your idea to bring me here...you,re gonna p~y for it. JACK: ~,~ should I ~y for it..l,m doing it for ~u. DENNIB."~ ~i1~idn't went to come here, I,m happy bein~ an . H~: Well, somebody,s going to pay for it, i don't work for nothimE. (so~: DOOR BLmSTS OPEN FAST) ~EA: (EXCITED~,m awfully sorry, Doctor, but Mr, Jones won't wait any longer~ he,s ~jo~mi~g in, JACK: Look, Doctor, if you think~l,m goimg ~e--- BY: Mr. Jones, you go back ~ the waiting room. MEL: ( BARKS TWICE) BY: Mr. Jones, EO back, I say...I don't like the Way ~n:,U~.~ behaving. MEL: (BARES TWICE) Aw ~T~01 0020182
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. ,i -23- ( M~. Jones, control yourself.~ i ~: (B~ ~/~H F~.PPI PAL~INO, AND CO~r~IN~ PA.~fl~) JACK: Dr. Schultz, if you think fo~ one minute that I1m goln~ to pay you for -- MR. J0~, STOp LICK~ MY FAC~! .... Come on, Dennis, lett~ get out of here..I,ll settle for you the way you are. r RT~01 0020183
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Jk gET T~ JACK BE~NY pROGRAM OVEm 28, 1954 CLOSING COM}~OIAL WILSON: ITR S0P m D) ULL SONG: WILSON: DY Jack will be back in Just a minute, hut first -- the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike...Miss Dorothy Oolllns ' "If you want better taste from you c~E-e-rette, ~o___~ St~ke is the brand to get~ IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet It's the t s_t~ (CIAP...CIAP, OIAP) clg-a-rette' They take fine tobacco, it's li_~tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then IT'S TOABT~, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brlngs the flavor right through. go, to get better taste from your o~g-a-rette Strike is the brand to get' i. IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP...CLAP, CIAP) olg-a-rette: Friends, your enjoyment of a cigarette is just as simple as tbat~ (SLOWLY, WITH EMPHA81S) If you ~snt ~fromyour cigarette - Luc_E Strike is the brend to get. It's toasted to taste better. Naturally, Luoklea'hetter taste begins Just where you'd exoectlt to begin. (,0~) RTH01 0020184,
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i , [ S m#A T~ 5AOK BENNY PROGRAM N0V~ 28, 1954 W~0N: CO 'D) OtnTNS WITH (00NT'D) With fine tobaoeo. L$/~ - Luoky Strike means fine tobaoeo. And then -- that rococo is t S_~. "IT'S TOAST~" -- the famOUS Luo~ Strike process -- tones up Luoklex' naturally good-tastlng tobaoeo to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. SO next time ... get better taste. Get Luoky Stri~e. If you want better taste from your Oig-a-rette, Luc~Strlkele the brand to get~ IT'S TOAB~ to give you the best taste yet, It's the tos_~(CIAP...CIAP, CLAP) eig-a-rettel DY RT 01 0020185
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• , (~Ao) -26- ROCH: BOSS, YOU ~ HURRY UP AND GET CHANGED. y~'V~ GOT • o ROCH: 8~ALL I FIX SOMETHI~ TO ~T FOR yOU AND MR. D~Y? JACK: No, we're not hunSry. ROCH: ~ERE WERE YOU SO LONG? JACK: I took Dsnnls to 8 psyohlstPIst 8nd b~'s our~d, KOCH: REALLY? JACK: i ~from no~ on he'll nsver say enything $~upld... Will you, D~nnis? JACK: 0h,~2. ~e yOU on telsvision, folks. (APPLAU~ AND MJSIC) DY RT~01 0020186
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.... ,r,, (~'AG) -27- The Jack Benny Program tonlght was wrltten by Milt Josefsberg, John Teckeberry, A1 Gordon, H81 Goldman, end produced e~ %r~nscribeO by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny Program is brought to you bY Lucky 3trlke, product OE '~he Ar~rlcen Tobacco Co~V ",- America,s le~diug m~nufaoturer of clgsrettes. DY I* BTH01 002018;"
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1 - ( AG] • DON: -27- The JsokBenny P~ogr~m tonight wss written by Mllt Josefsberg, John Teokeber~, AI Gordon, ~I Goldmen, end produced end trensorlhed by Hillisrd ~rke. The Jeck Benny Progrgm is brought to you by Lacky Strike, product of the A~rlcsn Tobscco Compsny -- Amerloe's leedlp~ manufacturer of clgsrettes° DY ~TP;01 002018B
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---
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f .... , ,m m, ,i J .B .I~. REVIS~ SOVIET AM~CAN TOBACCO COMPANY T~ JAOK ~EY~RNY pROGRAM f. ~r~nsclrlbe~ - October 5, 195~) CAST: JACK B~NNY ROCheSTER D~N~IS DAy DON WILSON MEL BIANO BEA ~T FRAI~ N~ABON MAroON ~I~RICK SHELDON L~ONARD VEOIA VONN ARTrm ADE~9.CK %U ~0 RTH01 0020190
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PRooP . WILSON; ( 'tPA~ORIBED: SONO- 7 ) THE JACK BENNY PRCOPAM ... trenscrlbed and presented by LUcky Str~ke ... the cl~tte that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cig~a-rettes LuCy Strlke is the brand to get' IT'S TOAST~D to give you the best bas~ yet. It's the toasted (CL~P ... CIAp, CLAP} clg-a-rette. They take fine tobacco, it's ~ ~ob~Cco, it's it's mi$.__~d tobacco, too Tben IT'S T~Ds yes, ~'S ~a because the toasting brings the flavor right throush. SO, to get better taste from your cig-a-~tte, ~c_~q~ Strike is the brand to get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best test~ ~et, It's the to~ted (CLAP ... CIAp, CIAP) olg-a-rette' This is Don Wilson, The sor~ you just beard bee an important ~ssage for ~ who smokes. The sure way to get better tesbe from Four cigarette is to make sure you get _~_~ StrLke, It's toasted to taste better. Of couz~e the better taste of a Dacky begins with fine tabaSCo. And tben, tbat fine tob~co is toasted. "IT'S ~I~S~D" -- the famous l~cky Strike process -- to~s up t~s naturally mild, geod-tastir~ tobacco to ~e It taste even better. Cleaner, Frasber, Smoot~r. Yes, n l~cky tastes better because it,s tbe ¢i~a~tte of fine tobacco and it's toasted ... to tMte better. So -- Be ~ppy -- Go Lucky: RT~O~ 0020191
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4, % " -i- (FIr Ro nm) (-~R COmmERCIAL, ~¢JSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THE LUCI~ STRIE]~ pROGRAM, $TAP2]3~S JACK ~...WITH M~R~ LIVINGSTONE, ROCP~TER, DENNIS DAy, BOB CROSBY, AND '"/oURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE) (~IC~Up AND BOWN) DON: IADIES AND'GE~T~N...THIS IS ~E MIDDLE OF ~ CHRIS~4AS SHOPPING SEASON, A/~D AS USUAL, JACK IS GOING TO HIS FAVORITE DEPARTMENT STONE TO PI~0DEBE GIFI~ FOR HIS GA~... BUT...I~FOP~ WE GO CHRISTMAS SHOppING, I iD~~U TO A MODEST LI~2LE HOME IN THE SUBURBS OF ~%~... ~E HOME BELONGS TO A I~EpAR~-~ STORE SALESMAN AND BIB WIFE...IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK I~ THE MORNING. (SNONES ~ TI~.S NDP~4ALLY...T~m~ HE WHIMPERS AS SNOEES...THEN TE~ WHIMPERING Ttq~S INTO FRIGK~D CREING OF A MAN HAVING A T-~BRI~IE NIGHTMARE. ) (sNoREs AND ONES) Melville' (SNORES AND HAS HYSTRICS) MEL, WAI~ UP. ~ j / (SNO S AND WANES UP S ARTLND What? You were having a bad dream. MEL:~,0h, ye~.that same nightmare...I alwa~s have it this time ~ ~e~r~ Beat~ioe. NNL: ~A: DEL: BEA: DEL: ~EA: if About that blue-eyed old man that comes to the store for his Christmas shopping? RT~O~ 0020192
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4W -2- ...... ir. Ysah.,.only thls dream was worse...l looked at hls b~nds add instead of fingers...he h~d shoelsoes...oD one hand the fingernails were plastlo tips, andAthe O~Or haIx~ was metal tips. Why do I always have to dream about him. ~- , 5l i . ' " " . " . -tl[[~'7. " ---- mT--- } Now Mel, control yourself...Maybe be won't oo~ into the store this year. Oh, he111 co~e...he,ll come...Hels been oomlng in and drivlng me nu~s for over fifteen years. Well, don't worry about it...Msyba hels mellowed...maybe he.ll be kinder now that be's getting old. )~L; He wa~ ol~n years ago. Look, Mel~.~.you go'to the store...~nd during my lunch hour, I'll come down to your department...and if you,ve had any trouble, I'll relieve you.. ~nyW~y, there's very little of~you now that you're in the art oheDce depsr tment. ~L,~T t'~s rlght, Boatrloem..he don't look llke the ~ind of g~ who would gO ID for ~intin£~-he a int the artistio type. late for work thi~_m~S%~..and you k~ow how the store O!~y, Be~trloe. (TRANSITION ~USIO) (SOUND: D~RART~T STOHE NOI~E...~L[~, ETC.) if RTH01 0020193
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:4 j ROCH: MR. ~a~TL, YOUIVE STILL GOT QUITE A FEW MO~ I{~S ON YOUR CHRISTNAS LIST. JACK: Y~L~.I still have to get something for m~ producer ~ ,rltors hats the b eot :I !F~ H: gettinE g for m~ writers. I'd get Bomethlng 'or their houses...if t~ I in houses...but they' weird. ROCH: N0W WAIT A ~I ~S JAcket somet~ M~ss LivIDgstooe now...so ~ou can do your persoo81 shopping. TO YOUR ACCOUNT? JACK: Ch~rEe it? Wh~t happened to the Christmas Bonus I Esve you? ROCK: I LOST IT. JACK: Lost ~our bonus? Qambllng? ROCH: OH NO...I HAD A ~DLE IN M~ pOCEET A~ IT ROLLED DOWN A SEWER. JACK: Now wait a minute, Rochester..,stop making Up jokes...l gave you a twenty-five dollar check for ~ Christmas Bonus. ! POOH: I ~OW, MR. ~NNY, BIg I CAN'T CASH THAT CHECK UNTIL AFTER NEXT MONDAy. JACK: Why not? ROCH: ME AND T~ C}~CK A~ APPEARING ON '~OU AsEED FOR IT." JACK: Oh yes...weill show them...I~ii meet you here later, Rochester. ROCH: ONAY. (RO~D: STOEE N01~S AND ~) ~T~O? 0020194
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JACK: Gee, I still haven't gotten enytbing for Maryo.. " I know what I'll do...I'llbuyher a negligee...Nowwber'es the negligee depertment?...@h, that mu~tbe Me floorwal~er over there -- that mao in ~trlped trousers e~u~tt~way cost.,.Ob, Mister...Mister,.. If • I 'I , : I~THO~ 0020185
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_4 • JACK: I~ON: JA~: I~ON: JACK: NELS0N: JA~: ~ON: JACK: MAHLON: JACK: MAHLON: JACK: SH'~LDON: JACK: SH~LDON: -5- YE~BSSSSESSSSS. Are you the floorwalker? No, I,m ~ p~llbearer but my handle broke. I dldn.t OO~ 1~ for corny conversation... All I want to ~ow is where I oan buy ~ nesllpe. On the third floor, but I don, t think they h@ve anytb/nE in your size. Don, t he so smert...it,s not for me. Oh, fo~ your wife? NO, I'm not married. Don' t tell me you Eot to look that ~ay all by yourself. NOW out that out...An~w~y, I don,t need you, ltll find it. (SOUND: STOKE NOISES...B~/S....ETC) JACK: Damn, the store,s so orowded, I don't think I'II ever finish W -- Hey, ~ looks llke my orchestra arrans~r, Mahlon Merrick...Hi, Mahlon. Oh, hello, Jack. Doir~ ~oU~ 6hris~mas shopping, eh? YesT~ITm 8ettlns~glfts for the boys in the hand. Gee, Itts a nuisance isn,t it trying to~~4~ .... C/ (0C~IN) ~i y~, Bud, ~ong ti. no see. Huh?--~/0h, ~ell% ~ So long, BuD..eee you around. JACK:~. yeah, yeah...goodbye. MA~LON',~ J~ok, who was that fallow? JACK: Oh, he,s a race track tout.. sho ng...$o lo , MS I' I 8T~01 0020196 i
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4r. • • A•~ • MAHLON: Oh, Just a second, J&ck. JACK: Yes? MAK50~: t I'm h~vlng a big petty on New Years Eve and -- JAOK:~ I know, ~ you 'we ~Iready invited me. A MAHLON: --6A Yes, and I thought thgt since you've given Be many parties, you could heip me out ~ blt...You see,, I've already hired a caterer, and I thought you might recommend a good bartender. ~p~ ~Q,.~.,, JACK: Well, now that's the silliest thln~.~ .spending good money on a bartender...Why don't you got one of the boys in your b~.~.. Get F'-~'~'~-~{~nk Remley...~obody knows more about drinks th~n he does. MAPJ~ON: No, I wouldn't try that again, dack...He was the bartender at the lest petty I gave. 3ACK:~2~n What h~ppened? MAHLO~he first guest to arrive walked up and ordered a Scotch and soda. JACK : Uh huh. MA}{LON: Remley bent down, got the SCotch, ~ nevem came up again. JAC:C: No kidding..Well, thuD_ks for inviting me}1.1 il see you MAHLON: Good...and Jack, if you run into Don Wilson, see if you can persuade him to Come to the party, too. JACK: Persuade Don Wilson? MAHLON: Yes...he never wants to go anywhere since h~'s taken~ up painting as ~ hobby. TB 8T~01 0020~9P
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I 4.. JACK: PeLinL4ng as a ~obby? $~ys I'm glad you me~tiowsd that, _ get to t, a, JACK: ~-hey sure have everything ~--~rtlat here .... ~m, where's the salesman...Oh, there he is.,(OAl~) Oh clerk...clerk. MEL: (C~ING IN) Yes sir, vhat can I 00000~, it's you again. JACK: Huh ? MEL: How do ~u find me every year..~ou got 1~da~ Or something? JACK: What are you talking about@ MEL: (TO H3~SELF) Gee, he doesn't recognize me...maybe everytblng,s going to be okay. JAOK: ~t~are u bllng about, Clerk? MEL: (CF~RFUL~ NothinE, nothing...wh~t can I ~o for you, sir? JACK: Wet1, a friend of mine h~s taken up ~einting @s a hobby, and l'd llke to get him a nice set of paints. ~,~, .~ .~ ~re MEL:'b Very good, sir 's a set that's very popular and ~so~ble, too.. ,~t's only nine ninety-f~e, JACK: Well gee, those tubes of paint seem very sn~li. MEL:~,Tbat's right, slr...but they're the best paints, and in addition to the primary colore it also contains such exotic colors as vermillion, chartreuse, turquoise, cerise, heliotrepa, citron, p~rple fuschla, cardlnal red, burnt orange, midnight blue, and shocking pink. TB RTH01 0020!98 :1
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JACK: M~: JAC~. ~L: MEL : Y~it has s lot ... Say, that's a beautiful color right there, ost beautlful color I've ever eeen.. what do you call it? Money green. 1..~ell, I'll take It...Now I'd like it 81ft w~pped. Yes sir...I'll be beck in a second with it. (SOUND: COUPLE ~ F00TSTEPS...STOP..,S(~J-ND aF PACKAGE BEING WRApmm) (TO HIMSELF) G~e, he didn't even recognize me...and he didn,t give meth~ least bit of trouble..In fact, he was real sweet..(SINGS TO HIMSELF) Oh hey, I'm lucky, I'll t4 say I 'm lucky, dis is my lucky day ... ~- ] (SOt-ND: FEW FOOTSTEPS) MELt/ He~ you are, slr..thet'll he ten and a q~rter Includlng tax. JACK: Ten and a quarter?..Gee, that seems llke a lot to pay for just a few paints. MEL: ~ Not when you consider what you,re getting.. •Most people don,t mind paying the extra money for oil ~ints...they last so much longer tben the water colors. JACI~: Oh...you have Water colors, too? ~L: Me and my bi~ stupid mouth ..... I bad to tell him yet...I couldn't let well enough alone...I had to tell him. JACI'~: Clerk, how~w~r set? MEL: T~e ~net~~t n.~ ~s ~ic. ~8 the'. TB RTM01 0020199
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-9- JA~ nluety-flve? Let me see a set of water~ it. , JACK: I don't oare..,l vent to see the weber color set; ME5: Okay, okey...1111 have to climb this ladder to get it..; Itls on the top shelf. (BOUND: ~ BEING CLIMBED. . .SUSTAIN IN B.G,) )~L: I hadda tell him-~ ~edda tell him. ;I wish I could paint red spots on my face so he.d think I had smell pox end held go away. 4.1 wish I had small pox...Ehhhh, it wouldn't do any good~.~thls g~y s lived so lor~ he must be i~nune to everythlng.;.But it,s my own 9eulto,.Here's the water color set, Mister;..Look at it, look at it. JACK: Sayyyy, coke okay. MEL: But it's only got five oolors..gray, blue, black, red, end dirty brown. JACK: I don't care, it's three nluety-five~il.ll take it...Now gift wrap it, and I~ll be back. ~L: I know you will, I how you will. JACK: Never mind..(TO H~BELF) Now let's see...whet else do I have to get...Gee, I still haven't gone to the lingerie department for Mary's gift. (SOUND: STORE NOISES AND BELLS) VEOLA: Yes ...what can I do fo~ you, young man? D~IS: I'd llke to buy e Christmas gift for my mother. ~T~01 0020200
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I'I II I II -I0~ ~IS = VEOIA : VEOIA : VEO~A: Well, a negligee is ~lways a very 8ult~bie gift, ..Now hera's a lovely one tb~t I'm sure would pie&so your mother. Nn~no...she wou~n't llke tb~t one...she never we&~S anythlng wlth e low neckline. Oh...is she modest? NO, she's tattooed. ...Well, here,s ecmet~dng thet mieht suit your mother more, Gee, tb~t looks nlce...only I'd like it in a brighter color...You see, my fsther is always degaussed, end bright colors cheer him up. VEOLA:~We have a large selectlon of colors...but tell me, what slze does your mother wear? I~NIS: Gee,,.I don't know..,but she's about a~ tail as you era • VE01A: Oh....Does she hove my build? I~NIS: If she did, my fether wouldn't need cheering up, VEO~A: We 1,. how does this one seem? ~j A DENNIS: Jm~ that looks about the right e±ze...~ think she'll llke it very much...Will you wrap it up end charge It, %~OIA : 'V~O~A : IE]~IS : VEOLA : = TB please ? Yes, sl~..~whe sb~ll I charge this to? To me...My name is Dennis Dey. (IMPRESSED) Dermis Day? Uh huh. The singer ? Yes, t~a I E¢,1 • eTa01 0020201
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(~JSHY AKD OCt~HY) ~e, Mr. ~y, I'm one of your most ~rdent fans.,.l buy all your records and everything... Why, when I hea~ ~ou sing, I Just qulvem s~d shake a~l over. (FA~T, SINOS) ~ Colns in the Pount~ID -- seth One 12~fN~S : wo~ Mr. ~y. I,~ .o~ jo~.I,~ ~11y ~ ~t ~ .... of yours ° I~NN~S~jWe11 th~nks...th~nks a lot. the..ore? favor to me~ase sing a so rAg? (APPIAUSE) / TB RT~01 0020202
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~4~, 4. :::~: ~ W::~I D~NIS: Huh? Oh, hello, ~. Benny. nl JACK:~j I heard ~ou slngin&~ ~as way on the other side of the store but I thought it was a record, D~KNIS: Maybe that,s because I've got 8 hole in m~ head. JACK: H~mm. D~TNIS: Well~ I've got to run along, Mr. Benny.. .I still have ~ of shopping to do. JACK: Same here. $o long. kid.. (CALLS) Oh~ Miss, Miss. %~01A : Yes 81r. JACK: I'd llke to get a &ift for a girl friend. V~01A~g~, Just a moment sir...that man at the end of the counter was here first. JACK~b~, That's quite all right... (HUMS JINGLE BELLS) ROCH: (COMING IN) 0H, THeE YOU ARE, M~~. BENNY. JACK: Ye~... Rochester...did you finish ~ you~ shopping? ROOH: UII H~H...I EV~ GOT A PRESenT ~DR yOU. JACK: Oh; that's nice .. ~.~mt is it? RGOH: OH, NOW WAIT TILL CFA%ISTMAS. JACK: A~ come on~ tell me i~ochester..you kno~ how I hate waiting.. Is it something I can wear? SE ~THO| 0020203 .! ,!
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ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROBH: JAOK: ROCH: jACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: ROCH : JACK: ROCH: -13- UH Rl~. Is it something lld wear above the waist? UH Ht~. A shirt? NOP~. Hwmmm.,.is it something I west above the 8boulders? UH~. Ifve got it---It,s s hst' NO, BUr IT,S RIG}~ UNE~R IT. .... Well, thst's 8 strs~Ss ~ift to give me....Why should you get m~ that? WEIL, I RUINED ONE OF YO[~ GOOD O~S....I Th~W IT ~ THE BE~IX AND ALL THE O~LS CANE OBT~ ~..Well, don't throw it 8way...ssve it in csse I ever get the psrt of sn Indlen in s picture. GEAy.,..ARE YOU DO~ WITH YOt~ 5HOPPING, ~. BENNY? Not quite...brat you know I 81ways here troUbie getting something for Don Wilson...end this time I think I 8ot him 8 gift he'll llke..,s set of psints. OH, NE SHOULD LIKE THAT, BGSS...~ER ~ SEES MS, TAL~B TO ~ ABOb~ pAInTING., ,NE'S REALLy ORAZY ABOIE THAT HOBBY, I know...end I got him a lovely set of wster colors. f- WATER COLOR8?~'S WAY BEYOND THAT.. oFOH T~E pAST FEW MO~TH8 ~'S BEEN pAINTING WITH NOTHING BL~ OILS. Oils? Are you sure? I'M POSITIVE. LW RT~01 0020204
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JACK: (TO HIMSELF) So Don only uses oll paints...(UP) Excuse me, Rochester...I'll see you later. - (sou~: ST~E NOISES & BELL5) MEL: (SINGING DOLEFULLY) Don't know why, ther~,s no sun up in * the sky...Stormy Weather. JACK: (COMING ON) Oh clerk...clerk. ~L: Oh, it's you 8gsin....Herefs your water colors ...all gift ~apped end everything. JACK{Zb2% I've changed my mind, i want the oils. MEL: (CRY~ AND BUILDING UP) ~o, no, this can t be happening " IF, k o mot ~ ~-~ to me..Al lead 8 good life..Al m Ind t my he ..4~ can't be hsppenlng, it just canft...-- / J ~: Look, Mister --- - / JA~. Mister, stop shou alm down. r / ~.a~ t ", are m~ .you,re~ ~... JACK: ~k, control yo~self. MEL: JACK: MEL: \ JACK: LW Okay...Okay ...... I'm getting caln~r ....... I'll control myself. (CA~) ~ly Mister..~do ~ s favor and tell me something, will you? Certainly. BTK01 0020205
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i, i ,i ~i¸ ,~,, , -15- ~L: What business are you in? JACK: I'm a comedian. JACK.~ Look, I don t know whet you re talking eboot, .Im not trying to be funny.. ,I Just made a simple request. I want the water colors changed to oils• Now ple@I# gift ~Tap them and I'll be back to pick them up later. JACK: Now let'8 see, I've got to~get Mary's gift end then -- oh darn it, I'm out or cigarettes°.8~Onder where I can get some....Oh, there's o cigarette machine at the end of the aisle .... (SOUND: FOOTSEPS ) JACK: Here it is.. °Gee, whet s fancy cigarette manhlne..Ncw let's see..I ought to have some change in -- SHELDON: Hey Bud...Bud. JACH: Huh? S~LDON: tome here 8 minute. JACK: ~ Me? SI~LDON: Ye~ t are yoU doing? JACE: l'm ~ettlng s package of clgsrettes. gHEnt)ON: Whet kind? JACK: Lucky Strikes. SI~LDO~, Lucky Strike, eh? ..... Smart boy. JACK: Huh? SHELDON: you're puttin' your dough on the favorite. JACK: I know, I know. LW BTMOl. 0020206
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( SHELDON: JACK: S~LDON: JACK: S}~N: JACK: SHELDON: JACK: SHELDON: JACK: SHELDON: JACK: SHET~ON: JACK: SHELDON : JACE: ~LBON: JACK: SHELDON: JACK: S~LDON: -16- And it,s B ~at bet Boross the bosrd, Wiu, plBoe, end shOW? No, oleBnep, fresher, s~otheP. Oh. And another thing. Whst? Come here s minute. Huh? Look at the breedlng, The breeding? l~'s by 5old Amerlo~n out of Goldsboro, North Csroline. Well, thanks...thenks very much. ~gonn8 get 8 psck of Luokles? Am I gonns @st a pack of LuckleB? Yesh. Come hero s minute. Huh? Irm gonna get two peoks. Two? I'm trylnI for ths Dsily Double. Smsrt boy...So long and Merry Christmas. JACK: S~me to you. ~ ~ jAcK,: ;. .... $. % ,.4 ppLAIBE), ..£,,..._. i /~ ~.. .~1~ .re you coming alor~ with gov~ CbJelstmss shopping? IN F~T.~O 1 002020;:>
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( ~T~: JACK: ~T~: JACK: ARTIE : JACK: ARTIE: -17- JACK: Oh.. 8 he edsohe? ARTIE: No..mlne Just opened up a office, end I went to h~n JACK: And you hod s ARTV~: Five of them. JACK: You had five bed ~RTIE: Only one, JACK: Then how come u let him pull the o r four? ARTIE: Hels O beg r, he ~ends the experience, ART~: be. a very good de ~t~y~ hand...Re ~ts to spe~i~n~ ~te~ ~.. He's studying th~ nerves of teeth, JACK: Really? ~" LW RTH01 0020208
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ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTI~: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: JACK: ARTIE: VEOLA: JACK: VEOLA: JACK: DON: 4~ LW Itts Mr. Kitzel Joke? -18- should see how delicstely he works...He nerves from teeth, and hangs them on tiny little must be hard work' wracking. u went through all that Just to i : RTH01,0020209
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,I DON: ~]~l;, Hi Jook.,~Hey, I'll bet I know something you don't know. JACK: What's that? DON: I ran into Bagby, the piano player, end now ! ~mow what the boys in the band ere go~ng to give you for Chrlstmas. JAOK: Whet, what, whst? DON: ~ 9esutiful set of self clubs. JACK: Oh, isn't that wonderful...I can use 8 r~w sut...l Can hardly wait till Cbrlstmss. DON: Well, you may even get them before Christmas, if the point dries. 2= eintTwhto t, Where ~hey soratohedv~ JACK: .... ~.They should have left the name on, ~l!d }mow who not to play with...What oh@reuters they ere....By the way, Don, how,s your wife. DON: Oh, she's fine now. JACK: Now?. DON: Yes~A few weeks egu she broke out in hives end her eyes were always watering end the dOCtors didn't know whet it wss~till they found out she had an allergy. JACK: Gosh..whet was she allergic to? DON: The oli in oli pslnts. JACK: ........ No ......... DON: Ye~.sO now T ~2bBok to wBter colors. JACK: ...You us@ only,..water colors no~...Don. DON: That I B right. JACK: ~xouse ~e, Don, I've Sot to go somewhere, (SOIleD: BTOBE NOISES & BELLS UP AI~) DOWN) BEA: n~jMelville, control yourself. MEL(~c~4~ I oun't control myself, Beatrice(..I'm golng to quit. BEA:\ NOW, now, Mel.....it oenlt be that bad. RT~01 0020210
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4 :! ? i "20- M~"L: C~ntt be that bed? lack, in the first place, how he finds me, I'll never ~ow..But first he buys oil paints, then he ohunges them to water color~, then hack to -oils, then water colors, then oils...be keeps caming beak like e , boomerang...Bes, l'm going to the office right now and quit. BEA: I Look, Pal. °.I'll tell you whet to do..You~o and take e ' nice ior~ lunch hour and ~ lle a"'~ down...I'll take your plsoe at the counter. MEL: Well...Oksy...Oksy..W~n he comes, ~hst's hls package of oil paints right there~7~'ll see you later. I (SOUND: zsP a m Focusers) BEA: Poor Mel...~4~ @eta upset s? eesil¥...l can't let ~ quit now...It'll ruin ell our plans..We worked in ~he store tc@~ther so long...We ~t in the store..He even proposed to me in the store...a'n~. Zzow we~z'e m~Trle6.. ,(S~ERI~ G~L~', And. _~-~m ows .-~-~ em~m~f ~ve ~lit~le f~oor ~~ ~n6j JACK: ( CONfaB IN)[ Excuse me~ Miss. BEA: ~ ' Yes sir, what can I do for you? SACK: Well...eP..where~s the clerk ~he~s usually he~? BEA: %~l~/~Is gone to lunch, but perhaps I can help yoU. JACK: Well..I'm supposed tO have 8 paokage of oil p~i~ts ready for m~. Yes sir..(TO HERSELF) Wait a minute...thls must be the men ~ho's been drlvin~ Mel craz~,.,~m~ sWt it can't be,,thla ~u~ couldn't bother enybody...he's such a kindly looking old schuook...(UF)...Here you are, air...a package of glft wrapped oil paints...ten twenty-five, sir. LW RTK01 0020211 r
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/ - 21 - JACK: Look, Miss,d I changed m~ mind, I'd llke~ box of water colors instead• BEAd-----But -~ir; -t he s e~il-~paint~- a~l~eady -$~ppe~. ~A~KT'---~Wel ~ ~-glf t ~a p -~he -va t ear-coleus. BEA: (STARTING TO GET MAD) But slr----(OHEOKLNG E~SELF AND BECOMING CHEERFUL) All right, I'll gift w~sp the water colora...(HAPPY) The customer's always right...I,ll get some water colors end wrap them end I'll be right back. (SOUND: DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS) JACK: While she's gone, lld better ~r~ite out a card for Don... Let's see•..I want it to be something cleve~..Oh, I've got it .To Don /if o "Here's lots of colors, for portraits to paint. But don't paint yourself, 'cause ths~ ~uch there 11 aln t (LAUGh) Sayy...th%t.s oute...and people say I need writers.....4 Sign~, Jack Benny...(CALLS) OH, Miss.aMiss. BEA: (COMING 1~) Here ere your water colors...isn,t that e pretty package? JACK: Yes, it is..Now will you please unwrap it and put this card inside? BEA: ...UnWrap it. • .card inside...Misterj you can put~ ~ne cathe rd .... ~b~ the outside. ~' / JACK• Oh~card may get lost t~., .end when I I wa t to ~h~ package. SE Rr~01 0020212
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-22- BEA: Now~l~k~,~/~ ~j--.~'~-.$_~:az:nz~l--° I went to a lot of trouble unwrappi~ the other one and glft-~r~ppi~ this one. Have a little consideration will yOUo..don, t be so mean and selfish, JACk: WEuLH~ How 4M~e-~m-,-you,re Just as bad as that idiot clerk who went to lunch. BEA: Idiot? Lleten, you Jerk, you,re talking about my Melville. JACK: I don,t care who I'm t~iMln8 about...now unwrap tbet package and put the oe/d inside, BEA: Oh no, not me ..... I know all about you.°Melville wex~ed me. JACK:Look, Miss -- BEA: FirSt you wanted oll ~Ints, t h~ water colors, then oil paints, then dates wit~ nuts~ then pl~In dates --- JACK: DATES? BEA: Then plastic tips, the~met81 t~, t~en plas$~c ti~, then metal dates, tbe~W~M OIL, T~N PLASTIC WATER, TH~N SM~ WISE TO YOU. yOU DROVE MY ~]SBA~D 0FAZY, BUT YOU'RE NGT GOING TO DO IT TO ME. (~YSTERICALLY LAUGHIRG AND CRYING) JACK: Oh for heaven,s sakes...I,ll just send Don a 0ard this ~ear. (APPLAUSE AND PIAyOFF) MS J~ RTHOI 00202~3
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. THE JAC~ BENNY pROGRAM -~ DECKER 5, 195~ CLOS~R~ CO~CI~L WILSON (TRANSCRIBED: WIL~N: JG I I ii ,,, Just befo~ Jeck cmr~e beck egein, here,s e word for sr~gne ~ho enjoys s 8066 cigarette. "If you went better taste from your clgee-~tte, is the brand to get: IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the t~sted (OIAP ... CLAp, CLAP) clg-e-rette. They take fine tobacco, It's ~ tobacoo, it's mild tobacco, too. Tbsn IT'S TOA~D, yes, IT'S TOASTED, beceune the tosstlng brlr~s the flsvor might through. So, to ~st better taste from your elg-e-re~te, ~c~ is the brand to get' IT'S TOASTED to give you the best teats yet, It's the toasted (OLAP ... OLAP, CLAP) ci~e-rette. All you have to de is look st s pack of I~ckies, friends, end you,ll see the reasons for I~ckies~ better taste printed right on it. LS/~T, Lucky Stri~ means flns tobacco. Light, nettl~ally mild, good-testiD~ rebates. And -- IT'S TOASTED. IT'S TOAS~D is the famous Luck~. Strike process that tones up Luckles' fine tobacco ... bringiug it to its ~sk of flavor ... making it taste even better. Clesner, fresher, smoother, SO, Be Happy -- GO Lucky: An~ say, a wonderful w~y to ss~ "Merry christmas" to your friends, is to give them Luckies in the besutlful Christ,s cartons. These special IA~ok7 cartons are bBndsomely deooreted in keeping with the gay spirit of the k~letlde season. They.re so nine to glve ... so wonderful to get. Thls Christmas, give ~ck~ ~trike ... in Christmas-gift ce~toua, PITH01 00202 I~
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ROCH: JAC8 ROCH: JACE: ROCH: JACE: -23- (SOU~: STORE NOI~ES..FOOTS~PS) WELL, BOSS, HAVE YOU GOT EVERYTHI~? Yes, I have. SAy THAT,S St~E A PRETTy p~CKAGE...IT LO0~ 80 O~ISTMASSy WITH ALL THAT RED pAPER. Thstls not red pa!oer, thstls blood. I nev?r thought shs'd punch ms in the nose..~Goodnlght, folks. (M~IC & APpLAt~E) ~ LW RT~O~ 0020215
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qlR DON: r , , • , ',, The Jeck Benny Show tonlght was written by Sam Perl~in, Hilt Josefsberg, George Belzer, John TacEebe~i~y, ~1 Goldmen, A1 Gordon, and produced and t~e~scribed by Hlllia~ Marks. r, TB RT~0t 0020216
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301F Filter s~kers! True tobeceo teste...r~el filtration.. femous TAREYTON quality...tbeF're ~II yours when you smoke Filter Tip T~REYTON. Filter Tip T~REI"ION ~Ives you ell t~e full, rich taste of TAREYTON'S qusllty tobscco enO reel filtration, too, bece~se Filter Tip TAREYTON Incorporates ActiwteO Chercoel, ~nowr~d for its unusual powe~s of selective filt~tion. Look for the re0, white end blue strlpes on the peokege. They idenflfy Filter Tip TAREYTON, the best in filtered smoking. ~ON: The Jsck Benny progrem wee brought to ~ou by the Americen Tobscco Company .. AmericB's leading msnufeoturer of clgerettee. TB ~r~O~ 002021?
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.AMEPJ.CAN T~.0C0 0(~MPANY soNmY, m¢~ zz,, 199 o~ ( TI~asoril~d: Deo. 6, 1953) CAST Jaok Benny Mar~ llvlngstone Roohester Dennis Day Bob Crosby Don Wilson The s~ortsmen Quartet Mel Blar~ Benny Rubln Hy Averback BB RTH01~O020218
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i rl ,, , I TEE AMerICAN TOBACCO CO - ~" -" TE~ JACK B~N~Y PROGRAM ~12 D~0. 17, 1954 0P~m COMMERCIAL f WILSON: ~TPANSOF~U~D OAF~Um vmsi ) WIISON: -A- T~ JACK BENNY FR08~h%M, ..transcribed 8rid p~esen~ by iucky Strike, the cigarette that,s ~ to taste bather ~ "If you want better taste from your clg-a-~ette, is the brand to getL IT'S TOASTED to glve you the best taste yet, It,s the toasted (OIAP...CIAP, CLAp) clg-a~rette. They take fine tobacco, it,s ~ tobacco, it,s mlld tobacco, too Then IT'S T~, yes, IT'S TOAST~ because the toasting brings the flavor ri~t through. So, to get better taste from your clg-&-ret~e, Strike is the b~and to get| IT.S TOAST~ to give you the best taste yet. It.s the toasted (CLAp...CLAP, CLAP) ol~a-rette! Tble Is Don Wilson. As cigarette smokers, you and I know the most important single thing any oige~ette oen offer is taste -- better taste. And as m~ millieme of Luck3 smokers will tell you -- freckles, taste better. you knc~ why? Because "IT,S TOASTED"I Ye~, IT,S TOASTED to taste better. Laeklas, better taste actually betas with the fine tobacco that goes into ever~ Lucky Strike. IS/MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And then, that fine tobacco is toasted. IT!S TOABTEDI (MORE) ~THO~ 0020219
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-B- r£,SON: ~CO~'D) That,s the famous Luck~ Strike prccess that tone8 up Luokles, naturally mild, good tasting tobaaco -- brlngs it to its ~e~k of flavor -- makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother° So, for better taste in yeur cigarette, Be HaR~y -- Go ~| Bu~ a oarton of better tasting Lucky St~keZ \ BB RTHO.~ 0020220
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~ # II Ul 1[ i I I I : ...... • ..... C IAL. MUSIC UP AND DON: T~ LUCKY STP/E8 PROGRAM, STARRING JACK ~, ,WITH MARY TRULY' DON WILSON. (APPI~USE. ,MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DOR: IADIE~ AND G~NTL~EN, TOHIGhT JACK BENNY DOES ANOT}~R TELEVISION SHOW. BUT FIRST LET'S GO OL"r TO JACK'S HOUSE IN BEVY HILLS. CUR LITTLE STAR HAS X~I~ To sP~ A COGPLE OF ~E~CS IN PALM SPRIEE~S...SO JUST AS S00N AS PIN!S}U~S BREAKFAST, ~'S GOI~ TO START PACKING. JACK: Ahh...th~t was a good bpeakfast...How about a llttle mope coffee, Rochester? ROCH: NO THAllUS, I HAD ~0UGH. JACK: I meant m@~-~ ROCH: C~...~ JACK: yes oh... oh. ROCH: RERE YCU ARE. (SOUND: FOURING COFFER I~TO 0UP) JACk: On second thought, RocheSter, I don, t think I want anymore, o. And anyway, it.s about time we started packing. ROCH: ~S SIR. JACK: And, Rochester, not a wo~d about our going ~o Palm Springs in front of Polly. you know how upset that per~ot gets when she knows we'~ going away and not teklnE her wlth us. ROOH: YEAH.. JACK: Let, s go in the other room ~ Est stated. BB RT~O; 0020221
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C JACK: Oh, hello, Polly. ~: (SQUAWKS) Hello, hello. -2- ROCH: WELL, BOGS I ~ GET Ob~ THE BAG, AND -- JACK: (ALA~) ~oc~ter ! ROCK: P~H?...0H..(~,@yES..~ES...I'M GOING TO GET OUT T}~ BAG AM PUT IT IN THE VACUUM CIEA~ A~..ER~.CLEAN UP,YOUR ROCk. JACK: Oh, yes..yes..the bag for the vacu~ cleaner. ROCH: AND ~ T}~ BAG IS FUIL, WE CAN START FOR -- (SPELLING IT OUT) P~A,L,M..S,P,R,I,N,G,S. ~: P,~,l,m..S,p,r,l,n,g,s. VaCuum cleaner (SQUAW~ & WHISTLES) JACK: That,s right, Polly...that spells vaCuum cleaner. Gem8A on, Rochester, we better go in my room and (WEIBPERS)~ start pac ag, ROCH: ~, SIR. ( SQUAW SADLY) JACK: I'm sorry, Polly, but you can,t come in the room vlth us. JACK: All right, all right..odon, t get excited. (ASIDe) Rochester, Polly doesn,t want to be left alene~ We better take her to my room, too. ROCH: (ASIrR) BUT, BOSS, SHE.LL S~ US TAKE yOUR SUITS OUT OF THE CLOSET A~ GUT OF T~ DRAWERS. JACK: (ASII~) She'll just think we,re straightenlng up the ro~m. Oo ahesd, bring her~inp~ BB ATe01 0020222
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R00H: MEL: JACK: R0OH: M~L: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: RCCH: JACK: M~L: JACK: JACK: BB ~TMO; 0020223
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l,I]~.,: ( JACK: JACK: JACK: JACK: MA~Y: JACK: MA~: JACK: MARY: ROCH: JACK: M~: JACK: MEL: ) Qule%, Polly. (SOUND: RECEIVER UP) Hello? Hello~ JaCk, this is Mar~'. Oh, what is it, Mary? Jack, on your way over to pick me up, would you stop off at the store and ~t me a bottle of sun tan oil? What do you mean stop off at the store? ~,m b~lr~l~ enougb sun tan oil for everybody, I know, but you don't give Green Stamp. Mary, I wash, t goir~ to charEe you for the oil, I was going , to glve it to you. And when I bought it, the ocsnl~ny gua~.nteed its quality. I know Jack, but after it, s been in your crankcase for ten thousand miles, it loses somethlng. Oke~, ~, I was Just trying to do you a fever,..~7, I'll plok ~ou up in e little while...Goodbye. ~8~e. (SOU~D: REO~ DOWN...DOOR OPENS OFF) (OFF) OH, BOSS, I,VE GOT EVERYTHING READY. SHALL I CLOSE IT UP? No no, I want to oheok it first to see I didn.t forget 8r~thing. Now, Polly, you can, t oome into my room this time. (SQUAWKS U PPI r) ~ BB I~T~0t 0020224-
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JACK: -5- LoOk, Polly, if you,re lonesome, Mdy'll turn on the radio for you..,I|ll EBt you some music, (SOU~: FEW FOOTSTEPS.~CLICK,.STATIC) (LI~ MUSIC) JACK: ~s is good enough, you'll llke this, Polly. be back SOOn. Mm~: (SQUAWKB a WHISTLES) (SOUMU: FO(Y~TE~,.DOOR OP~S a CLOSES 0~) (~ SEVERAL BA~ MUSIC COMES TO A FINISH) RUBIN: I,ii (FIL~) THIS MUSICAL PROGRAM IS BR~JGHT TO Y~BY pALM SPR/NGS BILTMORE HOTEL WHICH IS Sl~YJAT~ IN THE HEART OF T~ ~ AT T~ FOOT OF T~ SAN JACIBTO MG~TAI~. FOR BD]~R INFORMATION ABOUT 0UR RATES A~ FACILITIES.. ~ST DROp A POST CARD TO T~ BIL~MORE HO~EL, IN ~ SPRIN~. p,A,LjM..B,P,R,I,N,G,B, pAIM SPRINGS..WE WILL NOW COnTInUE WITH MORE ~ISIOAL SEROTIOkB. M~,.'-/1-t, p,a,l,m..S,p,r,l,n,g,8..p~Im S~Ings..~sT~" pAU4 sn~ (SQ[mWKS, sc~r~c~ms & SCFSAMS m~aIOAn~X) (SCt~D: DOOR OPm~S~.RUI~II~ FOOTS~PS) • I .I i) JACK: Rochester, close the sultcase so we can get going. JACK: Now ~ Polly, you oan.t 8o and that settles It. BB oo2o2 s
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f JACK: ROCH: M~L: JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: JACK: -6- (SOUND: COME IN. JACK: ~ Tooth pulled..0h, D~S: No. JAOK:~Does It ache? DENNIS: No. Do~ o~) Oh, helle, Mr. Benny. Well, DenuiB, it,s about time you got here. (som~'D: Do~ CLOak) Well, Dennis, ere ~ou all set for Palm 8prlngs? Well, I came ove~ to teal ~ou I can,t leave t~ayo I have to go Dave a tooth pulled. tbat,s a shame. .Does it have a cavity? JACK: DENNIS: JACK: D~NIS: JACK: D~NIS: let ~ see..whlch tooth ~s it? The one on my watch chain. I got thrown out of the Elks. Dennis, stop being sllly, ~ I ~ant ~c~ to legve for Palm Spr~u~s~ today, go go home and pack. ok~.~.~.~o~, ~ ~t ~l ~g~t if I take ~ ,~othe~ to Palm Sprln~s with me? Well. ~. She's already bought a French b~thlng suit. BB F;F~;O; 0020226
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JACK: JACK: JACK: DENNIS: JACK: iAP vs ) (~IS' SONG--"ORANADA" .?- your mother? Tbat,s ridioulous. Oh, no it isn, t. This morning she tried it on ~ my father said she~Frenoh. Really? yeah...Mr. Bonny, who, s General DeGaulle? Dennis, go home and pack. Don, t you want to hear my song first? ~let,s hear the song. BB 4- PIT~O~ 002022?
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rL ..... ,,,,, -8- (S~OOHD Danni~.T~y ii leave It In palm SpOnge. JACK~J'~',~,~hat W~' ve~ good, 2 nmmB: ~mmk~ go there,~y on Highway 99 sO you von't 8~t lost~ l~NIS~'m not drlvlng JACK: Oh, ~ you taming the bus? D~NIS: No. JACK: ...The tratu? DENNIS: No. JACK: ...Are you flying?. DENNIS: No. JACK: ...Well, goodbye, Dennis. D~NIS: Goodbye. (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) JACK: ...I g~ess It's better not to ~ow how he, s getting the~e than to ask hlm and spoil m~ whole vacatlon...Now let,s see-- ROCH: (FADING IN) WELL, BOSS, I'VE GGT ALL THE LUGGAOE IN ~ CAR. JACK: Gond,..cQme on, let's go. (SOSHD: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPEN5 & CLOSES..FOGTSTEPS ON C~ME~T...0AR DOOR OPE~S..FEOPLE (~ZNG IN.. CAR ~ooR cu~as) JACK: Are you sure all the ll~nts are off, and the deor~ are locked, Rochester? ROSH: YES, SIR. (SOD~D: GEI~ING IN CAR) f~T~01 0020228
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f -9- JACK: Good ,~the oar. ROOH: ~Ay. (S~: THE DBUAL CAR STARTER..TWICE..BI~ING INI~ BLANC'S ENTIRE GAMUT OF SOUNE6 WINDIRG UP TH DYING DUCK JAC~b~msybe v~ got a little rater in the gasoline. ROCH: I'D SETTLE IF WE HAD A LITTLE GASOLINE IN THE WATER. JACK: Never mind, try the motor agaln) ~ ~-~ ~. ROOH: YES SIR, (storeD: SAM~ SOUND, BUT ~ MOPS SO) JACK: ~.~he motor sounds as though it's goi~ frc~ bad to wox'se. ROOH: i SOUNDS LIE~ IT'S GOING FROM ~ TO ET~%NI~"/. JACK: Rochester,don't be funny..try it once more. ROCH: OKAY. (SOUND: THIS TIME JUST T~E STARTER GOES AND THE MOTOR DOESN'T CATCH..TH~ STARTER WHI}~S AND W~NES A~) ~ D~m) JACK: ~he motor's not even cstohlng..maybe the batte~,s dead. ROCH: IT CAN,T BE THAT, MR. B~NY, I PL~ ~ A ~W BA92ERY~EST~Y. JACK: A new battery..how much did it oc~t? ROCH: NOTHING, I GOT IT OUT OF yOUR FLASIiI~GHT. JACK: Imm...--~ it once mone, (SODq~D: MOTOR START~ WHI~ES,.M~ TA~ ~]~..IT CATC~ AND FADES TO B.C. AS CAR GOES) JACK: There you are, Rochester...the motor's golng...baok the oar out of the garage. ~. BB RTM0t 0020229
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ROOH: ( JACK: -IO- WAIT TILL THAT OROWD GET8 CUT OF T~ WAY. (CAI/~) All right, folks, b~eak it up, break i~ up..beat Jr..beat It..(~ dO they ~lw~s gather W~n ve t~y to start the car?)..,yom can go, Rochester, they~ gone now. (SGUND: OAR nRIVES OFF..LOUSY MOTOR FAE~ SUSTAIN IN B.G. ) ( TRANSITION MUSIC) ( SO~-ND: JACK: JACK: ROCH: JACK: MARY: JACK: MARY: JACK: JACK: CAN GOING) Rochester, the~'s Miss l&vlngsto~'s bouse..~t on the brsMes. (SOgND: T~ LONGEST S0~H OF B~E3 ~SSIBLE..IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON A~D THEN OAR STOPS) That's good, RooheBte~..you stopped ~£ht in fl~nt of the house. ~AH, AND IT ONLY TOOK US f~CE ARCgND THE BLOCK TO DO IT. I know...now keep the motor rummlng, 1,11 go get Miss Livlngst one. (SOUND: CAR DOOR OPE~..FOOTSTEPS ON SII~ALK FOR COUPLE SEOONDS..DOOR BUZZER..SLIG~ PAUSE.. DOOR OPENS) Hello, Jack, IIm all ~eady. Good. M~ry. Illl help you with your begs. Thank~ 'they a~v. gay M&~y..wbat beautiful lu~gge, where did yo~ get it? I bought it...Last week i got two hundred dolle~s on a Quiz proEi~a~, No kiddln~., on a quiz pPoE~am? ~P BB F~T.~01 0020230
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JAOK: -11- I~ huh...I was picked out of the whole studlo a~dlence because I worked for you. Ahhh ha~hhh, you see, Ma~y..~ doesn.t hu~ being on program...What question ctid you here to ensver for them to give you two hundred dpllar~? ~RY: NO question, they Just felt sorry for me. JACK: I~, MANY: The Heart Line calle~ with food for ~ month. JACK: Oh, don, t be so fur~.~c~e on, Mary, let.s BO. Okay...let me lock tho ¢oor ? (SOUND: DOOR I~O~..FOOTSTEPS C~ WALK OF MAN & WOMAN) JACK: Rochester, put Miss Livingstone,s bags in the oer3 ~ ~ ? 6/ ROCH: YEE SIR. (som~: OAR DOOR OPine) ROCH: NOW LET'S SEE, ~ CAN I ~J~ ~H~4? MARY: JaCk, you.re only going to he away for two weeks..Why here you got all that luggage piled on top of the oar? JACK: That isn't lugga@e, Mary. MARY: Then w~t is it? ROCR: A TENT, WE,LL H~ TO CAMP TWICE BBTWEE~ ~ AND pAlM SPRINGS. JACK: Oh stop, Rochester,..th~t,s not why we,re carrying it, MARY: Then why are you cemrylr~ it? JACK: The tent? Never mlnd...Now Rochester, are we ~ady to go? ROOR: ~S SIR...I PUT MISS LMNGSTO~'S LUGGAGE IN ~ TRUNK. (SOUND: OAR D00~ OLOS.ES..MOTOR UP..FAIE TO B.G. CAR HO~ BEEPS) q- BB RT~01,0020231
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JACK: ROCH: JACK: Now let's relax and have a pleasant drive. Rochester, turn on the ~dlo..will you, please? ~E$, MA,AM. (SOUND: CLICK_STATIC SQUEALS) (~) RE~BER, FOL~, AS ~ HOLImY SF~01AL WE A~ OUP~Y FEATURING A PLATINUM NEOEIAOE WITH A FOUR CARAT DIAMOND ~ FOR ONLY NINE THOUSAND FIVE E/~DNED DOLLARS... THIS CAN BE FJRDSASED ON OUR EASy LAyAMAy PLAN OF ONDY ONE DOI/AR DOWN AND ONE DOLLAR A W~K ~]~TIL THE~ LAY YOU AWAY, .. A~D NOW BACK TO ~8 ~SICAL POR~ION OF OUR PROGRAM..FOR OUR ~%~ER WE WILL ~AR THE SPORTSMER QUARTE~, ~WE SUPPOSe) TO HAVE TI~ INESPOTS, BUT WE FEL~ SORR~ FOR TNE SPORTSM~. de they feel sorry for everybody who ~orks for me? BB RTk;01! 0020232
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~.~ ~, ,. i., i.' ( rso) QUAI~: BB -13- AL~ GENTLE AIXEETTE AI~ JE~'Y PI~IB ALOU~ LIG~ A CIGARETTA LUCKY ST~ JE SAIS TRE BON J01LE JET,¥ ~IS LA TET LIGHT A LUCKY ALOUKTTE JET'Y FL~IS LA TET LIG~ A LUCKY ALOUE~T~ AL~ ALOUETTE CIGAF~'~TE CIGAK~ AH ALOUE~ PUFF ~ CIGAEETTA MAZE OF FI~E TOBAO00 O0H LA LA ALO~ GENTLE ALOURTTA WROTE A ~ TO HER ~ PAPA IS WHAT ZE LETT~ ~AY "SE~ MORE LUOKIES RIG~ AWAI~' SONAMAGUN THE ~SKIMO ZAY SMOKE LUCKIES TOO, YOU KNOW. E~KIMO, ESEIMO, SMOKE YOU ~OW, SMO~ yOU KNOW, ALOUETTE ALOUETTE CIGARETTE CIGAEETTE ZAy ALL LIE~, ZEY ALL LI~ LUCEY STRI~, LUCKY STP/KE - AH -- ALOUETTE PUFF ~ OIGAF~TTE S}~ IS JUST AS HApF/AS CAN BE WITH ~ LUCKI~, MA~ OF FI~ TOBACCO L~MF, LSM~T I/[VING MID ZE ICE AND SNOW WE'RE~V~RY GIAD TO IG~OW (MORe) RTHQ1 0020233 ±
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S ..... ~* i'll I i i" ~l~D) SI~,S AS NApPy AS CAN BE WITH AN LSMP~, M~T, WE AGF~, WE AGR~ ESE~O, ESE~MO...SMOEE YCU KNOW.,SMOEE Y~J KNOW. ~ ALOUET~ CIG~, 0IGA~, THE~ ALL LI~, THEY ALL LIKE LUGKY STRIKE, LUCKY STRI~..AH. o ALGU~I~A, PUPF ~ OI~A THROUGH ZE LONG AND LO~0~ ARCTIC NIG~ IN THE NORTH SO MANY LIOR~ UP LUCEIES THAT'S WHAT MA~E ZE NORTI~HN LIOH~S. Im 'i AT~O~ 0020234
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(SOUND: MA~(: ROOH: JACK: MARY: JACK: RCCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: R00H: -15- MOTOR GOING FOR SEV~"RAL SEOOND6.~:TRAFFIC NOISES..AUTO FDRN BEEPS..T}~N RAE~ MOTOR /d~ SUSTAIN IN B.G. ) Say, re,re making prett~ good time today. YOU,RE RIG~, MISS LIVINGSTONE..WE J~ST ~SSEDIT~ROUGH PASAI~NA. Gosh, I wonder why the trafflc is 8o thick. It,s people still comi~ home from last year,s Ro6e Bowl game. °°°Last ~esm~s Rose Bowl G~me...you know, M~rYs sametimes I think~ ~2-- ...... E(CUSE M~ MR~ BENNY ~ What is it~ Roche8ter? WEr~ GET21NG KI~ OF LOW ON GAS. We are? Well~ pull inD that gas station on the corner° OKA¥~ (sC~mD: MEDIUM LONG SQDEAL~NG OF BRA~E5 AS CAR CO~ TO STOP) ~: (MOOLEY) Dub, yes sir...can I help you? JADK: yes, we.d like some gas. ~: Yes sir, would you like Regular or Ethyl? JACK: ~..let me see, I wonder what would be best for thls oar. MA.~:. Blooa. JACK: Mar~, please..l,ll take the regular, MEL: Fill it up? JACK: Well, .im/t in about three gallorm, BB ARM01 0020235
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m f- JACK: -16- Per heavenls sakes, Jaok°.why don.t you Till it t~? Mary, three is enough. But you, ll have to stop st another gas station for more.. Why don' t you fill it up? JACK: Well..all ~ght...Fill it up, Miet~r. RGOH: (wAY UP) OH BOY, WAIT,LL I TELL THE BOYS AT T~ LODGE AB(ET ~IS~ JACK: Never mired, Rochester..go ahead and fill the tank, Mister. NE~: Yes sir. MARy: Jaok, what do you pla~ on dolng in Ps.lm SprlngS~ (~ NOW ~AR THE SGSq~D OF AN AUT(~MATIC GAS 'Fu~4P GOING..IT GOHS WITH A WHINING AND SI-TGHT GRINDING GOIDD, AND EVERY 0OHPLE OF SECONDS AS A G~LON IS REAC}~, WE }~AR THE PING OF A B~ .. THESE PI~ COME ~ACTLY W}~E THEY ARE I~DIOATED JACK' S SE~CH. ) JACK: Well, i thlnk I'ii Just rest...relax sad (PING) one have a good tim~. I'm going to take a dip in the (PING) two swlmmln~ pool eve~ mo~nlng and then play a round of (PING) three golf afterwards. That way 1,11 get plenty of (PING) four s~-"- a,d in the afternoons 1.11 Just relax and (PING) five rest till dinner ~Ime. Theme ape so many seed plaoes to (PING) six eat in palm Spelngs llke the Dunes, Doll House and Don the Beach (PING) seven cumbers a~ lots or other , some so on (PING) eisht^(Zm'S) }~-A~ SAKES, THAT'S EN~JGH GAS, STOP ALREADy,..Gee whiz. M~L: Okay, Mister..Now I'll check your ell and tines. BB f~r~o~ 0020236 i
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.W ........ -- - -17- ROCK: JACK: JACK: Gee0. ~EL: Hey Mister...do you khow you~ got e big hole in your ~ight rest ti~e? JACK: I know, I know. ~L: Well, how come It doesn't 8o flet? JACK: Beeeu~e the tire wee filled up in Los Angeles. MEL:~,~hst's that got to do vlth it? MARY: The smog is too thick to leak out. JACK: Yeah. ~L: ~jMister, I cen sell you s new set of tlres very ressonsble. JACK.'6/ Not -~ight now...you see, they're reeking eo mer~ improvements in tlreQ these @ys, I'll walt s llttle ~onger. Well, I,ve 8or the letest thlr~ rlght here....tubele~s tires° WE'RE WAY AESAD OF THAT, WE GOT TMLESS T~BE8. ~ever mlr~, Rccheste~...just check the o11, Mister. MEL: JACK: JACK: ~L: JACK: HOOD GOI~D UP. ,~ITTLE NOISES OF OIL BEING C~CK~) Well, t'rm ell is okay, but I noticed the pulley on your ~r~r~to~ 18 orscked...you better get 8 new or~, Or ~ou111 have lots of trouble. Well...okay, put one in. I'm sorry, bet we ~on~t heve eny pBrt~ for thle ca~. Oh...well, Is there • Msxwell Oeeler in this town? Yesh. Where? 002023?
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-18- MEL: : In the cemetery. ~ . JACK: Well, It'll be 811 riSht/..~ow much do I owe -- (S0~: GALLOPI~ HORSE FAKES IN) JACK: Whet t s thst? ~NNI8: HI HO SILVER, AWAy: (SO~D: HOOVES FA~E AWAY) JACK: ~thet'e how Dennis is going to palm Sprlngs,...well, L.- whet do you know...Ssy Mister, how m~h do I owe you? MEL: Thet,s two dollsrs 8r~ fifty cents. JACK: OkBy, I'll -- ~L: ~/E~ouse ~, Mister, here comes enother oust0me~. (SOUND: NICE CAR I~IVES IN A~ COMES TOSTOP) MEL: Yes sir, whet can I do for you. BOB: Fill it up. JACK: Well, BOb.I I/~" BOR: Why, Jsck...Hi...Kello, Msry~.FRooh. MARY: Hello, Bob. ROCH: ~LL0, }~. SEOSBY. ~L: Excuse me, miste~, you went regulsr or TEthyl? BOB: Ethyl, pleese. (SOUND: SA~ SO~D OF P~ GOING A~D ~G~IN WE Pn~S IN SP~mcR ~ INDICA~O) JACK: Gosh, Bob, isnft it 8 colncidence, we're ell on our ws~ to Pslm (PI~) one Springs end we meet et tb~ ss~ See (pING) two ststion -- MA~Y: JACK, STOP COUNTIRG, ITIS BOB CAR. , -
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-19- JACK: Oh, yes, yes...l forgot...0ee, Bob, it's a shame that you have, to make the drive ell alone. BOB: I'm net alone. . JACK: Huh? BOB:~, Look in the back, donMt you see...Remley, Ki~ck, and Ba~by, They're leyi~ there. JACK: Oh, MART: Bob, you only ~ent~orad Hamlet, Kimmick, and Begby...isn't Sammy the Drummer eom~ to palm SprlnEs? Oh, Se~y's ooming,~ot until Just befoPe we do our BQB: broadcast ~ there.~..~He~hates the sun. JACK: Why? B~: Well, you know how bold Sammy is...end he d~sn't lik~ his scalp to get sunburned. MARy: Well, can't he wear e hat? No, if he covered hie heed, herd lose the fifty dollars B~: J JACE.~/~--~I~I~-~'-pays him fifty dollars a week not to cover his heed? BOB: Yeah...They've got "DOn't be Vague, soy Hale end HalE" pointed up there. JACK: Well, they couldn't have picked s better heed than Se~y'e. It's Shaped llke e plneh bottle. MARY.~ Bob,~this is none of ~y business, reelly...but if the boys in the bend are such • bunch of hoodlums, why don't you get rid of them? JACK: It's funny, M~ry, I asked Bob tb~ some thlngilest week, end he told me that their private lives are their own business. BE RT~01 0020239
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( H -20- BOB: That's right, Msry...a~d these boys have e let of experience. JACK: Yeah...Bob told me that his boys spent two ~ers with Wa~ King. BOB: NO no, Jack, not ~ King, Waste King, they used to inst ell them. JACK: Oh, oh, oh. MARY: By the way, Bob, hew Gems your wife isn't coming to the Sprlngs with you? BOB: Oh, she'll be up for the week-end, Mary...ahe's brlngir~ the kids. MARy: All five of them? • he maid e~"~d the cook too, But ~, won't it be hard finding hotel reservations for that m~ny people? . / I don,t have to worry about that, Jack's rentlng me a tent. 1 JACK: All right, Mary, now ~ou know, are you happy...Come on, Rochester, let's go. ROCH: YES SIR. JACK: See you in palm Springs, Bob. ALL: (An I~ OOOOBYE) (SO~D: L0~Y CAR STARTS AND DRIVES OFF,...D~IVES FOR A FEW SECONE6...SORTAIN I~ B.G.) JACK: Rochester, make this ~i~ht turn here. ROCH: BV9, ~. BENNY, WE SHOULD GO STRAIGP~ A}~AD, MARY: Rochester's right, Jaok...this isn't the wayto palm Sprin~s. BR ~TH01 0020240
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-21- JAOK: Look+ MBPy, I know a short ROOH: ~ S~R, (SOb%D: CAR THING) (TRANSITION MUSIC ) cut...Rochester, tomn har~. (SOUND: LOL~Y OAR MOTOR FAI~B IN) MARY: Jsck, are you sure thls short cut tekes us to palm Sprlr~s? JACK: Of course, I'm sure. ROCH: BL~ ~. BENNY, WE'VE ~N IRIVING T}~EE HO~ SINCE WE LEPT THE GAS STATION. MARy: ye~,snd Itts gettin8 davk...we shou~ have been in palm Springs long sgo. JACK: Mery, I know whet I)m doina...I've taken %h~ ~oed msn¥ times and -- see, JBee -- we)re in tb~ desert,..see the sai%d. MARy: ye~and I see the sign, too Lsgun8 Beaoh. JACK: Oh fop heOVODR sak~s..~Roohestar, you must hsv@ mode a wrong tam....Now go back to the msln hlghw~ ~ -- MARY: Jaok...Jaok, look up in the oir' JACK: Where...it.s only 8 bird] ~L: (SQUAWK) P,A,L,M ... $,P,R, I,N,G,8~ (J~~-¢~ JACK: Well, what do you know...~.She.s following us to Palm Springs.. ,Hello, Polly. (APPLA~ & pLAYOFF ) I • ~+ BE RT~01 002024~
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"X DON: uk i -22 - J~k will be bsok in 8 minute to tell you 6oout his television pro~'~ vhlch goes on ~mmedietely after this show, %)ut f~st berate e wo~d to ~[ou smokers ~who ere looking for better teste in 8 ¢lgsrette° Jeck will be baok in e minute to tell you ebout his television progrsm vh~ch goes on et 7:00 P.M, tonight over the CBS Telev~lon network, but fJmSt ~vele 8 wo~ to you emoker~ who a*~. looking for better t~te in e oigsrette. BR 8THOI 0020242
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THE ~AOK B~r~I pROSR~M "~ " IE~ 12, 195~ CLOSIN8 CC~RCIAL TRARSORIB~D : ( OAL~aO Vm TON) -C- If you went better taste from you~ oi~-a-rette, Strike is the brand to set: IT,S TOASTED to glve you the best taste yet. It's the toasted (CLAP..,OLAp, CLAp) oI$-e-rette. (OPTIONAL They take fine tobacco, it's ~ tobacco, saca~ WBSION IF ~I~D) it's ~ tobaCcO, too. Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOA$TED, because the toastir~ byes the flavor right through. So, to get better taste from your oig-s-~ette, c~ tr~ is the brand to get' IT'8 TOASTED to give you the best taste'yet, It's the t~ (CLAp....CLAp, OLAP) olg-a-rette: WI-ISON: BR Friends, if you reed the oomlos, I gueSS you know 811 shout '~ittle Iodlne", and the other famous comic series "They,ll Do It Every Time". The fellow who draws them in J.Immy Hstlo. Well, Jimmy!s is Lucky Strike. He says, '~{ep, I'Ii do it every time -- light up a uc~ because they taste better". Friends, many millions of people smohe ~okies heoause they too have found that LUckles taste better. A Imcky tastes better because "It's toasted to taste better." Of course, Luokies' better taste with fine tobacco -- fine, llght, naturally mild tobacco. (MORE) AT~O~ 0020243
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S JACK BENNY PROGRAM DECEMB~ 12, 195~ cLosn co e cz (co ,D) VIL~O~: (0ONT'D) -D- And then," that fine tobeooo is toasted. "IT,S TOASTED" -- the f~oos Luck7 Strike process -- tones up Luckiest flr~ tobeoeo to make it testa even ~. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. 3o, Be Happy -- Go Lucky! ADd here:s a l~smlnder -- a carton of Luokies msk~s e wonderful Cbrlstmes gift -- es velo~ under the tree as a pretty girl under the mietletce. Give the smo~s on your llst, gay, colorful Ohrietmas esrtons of luck~y Strike -- so nloe to give -- so wonderful to get' Hove s H6ppy - C-o I.,uCky Ohrlstmes' BR ATe01 00202~4
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I .4. - f JACK: ( - ~i ....... iili - Ladies and gentlemen, I vas gcln8 to tell you ebout my television show but we'Pe a little lete, so time in eM wetoh it. °.Goodni~t, folks, (AppLA~ & ~IC) DON: The Jack Berry program tonight was wrltten by Mllt Josefsberg, Joh~ TcokSberry, AI Gordon, Hel ~91dmau, end produced and transcribed by Hillierd ~rkso product of The American Tobaocc Company --~e~i~a's 7._._¸ /~_eeding manufecture~ Of oigarettes. ~R RTH01. 002024~5
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I III I f • lit -2'2- Filter smokers! Here's tbetPue tobacco testa you've been looking for. Filter Tip TARE~/T-ON gives you ell the full, rich flavor of TARE~ON'8 famous quality tobacco... and reel filtration, too: Filtsr Tip TAR~N incorporates Activated Charoo~l, renowned ~or Its unusual powers of selective filtration an~ used far and wide to purify the air ve breathe, the wetQr end beverages we drink. Look for the red, vhite and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter Tip TA~ON, the beet In filtered smokir~. The Jack Benny Progrem was brought boyou ~¥ the ~merican Tobacco Company... America's leading msnufect~cers of cigarettes. DY /% t" HO "/ 002024-6
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5) P~oG~m #~3 A~n~IOAN TgBACCO COMPANY STRIKE SU~AY, I~ ~9, 195~ (Transcribed, December 20, 1953) CAST : J~k Benn> M Livingstone ~esteP D~nls Day Bob @eosby Don Wilson The Bportsmen ~aPtet Me]. Blano A~tie Auerbaok JF f~T~01 002024-F
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/ T~ AMERIOAN TOBACCO DOMPANY -A- TE JACK ~ ~ROGRAM #13 D~ 19, 195~ 0MIN@ C0~CIAL DON: T~ JACK ~NNY PROGRAM ... transorlh~ .~ ~esented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes bettor. Oleaner, f~esher, smoother. (TRANSCR~: "If ~ou want bettor taste from ~our oi~a-methe, CALYPSO ~ERS~ON OF ~ Strike is the brand to ~et! so~-37 sEc) ~T'S TOABTED to give you the best taste yet, It.s the ~ (CL~P ... CLAP, C~Ap} Clg-a-retto. They take ~ tobacco, it's ~ to1~oco, Itls mild tobacco, too. Then ITIS TOASTED, yes, IT.s TOAST~, because the toasting brlnSs the flavo~ right through. So, to get hatter taste from your cig,&-rette, Strik__~e IS the brand to get! IT,S TOAS~ to give you the best taste yet, It,s the toasted (CLAP ... GLAP, CLAP) eis-a-retth~" DON: This is Don Wilson, friends. I ~uess you all have heard of Bill Oort~n, the famous slcorto columnist, who's also President of Ch~rchlll Down8 In Louisville, Kentucky. We~l, he's one of the many millions of ~eeple who smoke Luckies. And this is what he says about them: "I smoke Luekies because they glve me the enjoyment I like and they t~te better than any other cigarette to me," IMam) RTHOl 00202~B
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/ ~9, 1954 . OFQ~O CO~4~O~G (00~'? B) •111 -B- NOW, Bill Corumls reason for smoking Lucky Strike Is the same one most Lucky smokers give. Better taste, What makes a Lueky taste better? It,s toasted to taste better. Now, Luckies, better taste b~ with fine tobacco, LS/~FT, Lucky 8tr~e means fine tobacco. And then, that tobacco Is ~_, "IT'S TOASt" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- brings Luskles, fine tobacco to its ~k of flavor... tones up this neturally mild, good-tas~ing tobacco to m~ke It taste even better. Cleaner, ~resher, smoother. That,s why -- at Christmas time in partinular -- so many people give -- and get cartons of LQekies. A brishtly decoreted carton of Lucky Strike says '~erry Christmas and Kappy Smoking" two-huedred times. Remember cartons of Luckies -- so nlce to give ... so woederful to @et. JF nT~O$ 0020249
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[ ~ (AFTER CO~CIAL, MUSIC UP ~ DO~N) DON: FROM pALM SPRINGS, CAIJ_WORNIA, T~ L~EM BTRINE pROGRAM, STARRING JACK ~Ny...WITH MAR~ LIVINGSTONE,, ROCI~BTER, I~I5 DAY, BOB OROSBY, AND 'XOURS TRULY" D0H WXL~OM. (AppIAUSE...MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: L~DIES AND O~, AS ALWAyB AT THE ~IG~T OF THE TOIN~IST ~SON ~E, pALM SPRINGS IS JD~ST FULL OF ~ITIES...BUT ~OW I GIVE YOU THE ~RI~Y THE WHOLE TOWN IS TAI~CING ABOUT...BECAUSE PE'S THE oNLY ONE pAYING SUM~ER RATES...AND HERE BE IS, JACK BENNY. (APpIAUSE) JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you...Hello aEain, this is Jack Benny tslklng..;a~d Den, I don't care if the whole town is talking about me becam~e in Palm SpriuEs talk is the o~ thing that's cheap....Believe me. DON: I know what ~ou mean, Jack...but I 're worked out a pretty good deal where I'm ~tayinG. JACK: Where? At the Blltm0re? DON: Ye~l get fifty per cent off bill and in return I put ~alt" in t~.ree hours a da~as a lifeguard. And y~tex~ I -- a minu~d say "life~ePd'!, 4~ DON: JAOK: DON: D~ YeS,why? Well, it's just that I picture you more as a life raft .... with a pontoon in hac~~-~" Well, yo~ can joke all you want, but yesterday a mad called for help and I dived into the pool add saved him. BTHO 0020250
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JACK: Really, Don? DON: Yes sir...and you should have heard the way they bawled me OUt. JACK: Bswled you out? You saved a man.s life, dld~'t you? DO~: Yea, but when I JLm~Ded in the pool, three people sitting on the lawn almost drowned. JACK: Gee, end I've been telling everyone it rsined yesterday... But, Don -- BOB: Oh, Jsc~....Jack. JACK:z Bob Crosby, Ledies and gentlemen.~. Wh~t is It, Bob? BOBS, Before we go any further with the show, I'd like to take a roll call of the crop__st. JACK: A roll call of theo~~~0ne before. BOB:~ Believe me, Jack, I know what I'm doing. that DH JACK: Well, all right, if you have to....go ehmad, Sob. BOB; Okay....George. ~RT~: Here. BOB: Kerchy. GbT~NK : Here. BOB: Sonnet. JAY:Here. BOB: Remle~. MEL: HIc! ~ ~ ~ ,~ ~-wa~t to ask you~../~-~ "" .why...why do you JACK: ~am. ~..Sob, have to go through this roll oall? RT~01 0020251
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[ 4.¸ -3- BOB: ~I elways do when we're out of towm. JACK: But why, why? BOB: ~i I have to....I'm responsible to their Los Aeries parole Board. JACK: Oh, I see...Well, don,t let me stand in the wa~ Of the lew. BOB: Kazdy. BILL: Here. BOB:Tackaberry. JACK: Wait a mln~te....T~c~berry is one of my wrlthrs. BOB: He's OD parole, too. JACK: -~...He keeps t~iklng about the Pen, I ~e~ht he meant Paper~ate....Well, anywaT, I '~ glad~!l the boys are ~ .... ~ow if we C~n -- Oh, hello, M~. MARY: 0h, hello, Jaoko (APPIAUSE) MARY: I'm sorry I'm late, Jack, bat I was taklng ~ golf lesson at Tameris~ and I j~t didn't ,otlce the tD~e. JACK: That's all right, Ma~. So Ellsworth Vines gave you ~nother lesson, eh? MARY: No, I switched to one of the other fellows. JACK: ~... ~at was wrou~? MARY : I fou~nd OUt he ' s merrled. JACK: ~...Well, looM, Ma~, you don't bare to ~ke en~ dates here in Palm 8pr£ngs. If ~ou want to go out wlth someone, I'm here. MABY: Oh no, Jac~...Not with you. JACK: What? DH RT~O'I 00202,52
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4- MARY: Your idea of an exciting time here is to welk down Palm Canyon Drive and weteb people put nickels in the perking meters. JACK: yesh...Saturday was a dilly...163 dollars end 45 cents. NOW let's get on with the show beceuse tonight we're -- Oh ~oh. MARy: What's the matter? JACK: Here comes Dennis. MARY: Well, what about it? JACK: You ~now, Mary...every time thet Mid opens his mouth, he says somethln~, silly end I'm agErevated for ~he rest of the week. But this t~m~ h~'s oct ~ettln~ ~wB~v with it .... I'm readv fQr him. DON & MARY: Hello, Dennis. (APPmmE) D~I8: Hello, Mr. Benny...Bo~, two weeks in Palm Springs bare sure made yo~ look different. JACK: (WHISPERS) See, Mary, he's sDartlng alreadyq I~/~IS: Irm sorry I haven't been able to see more of you up here, b~t I've been very b~. JACK: Busy eh? What h~ve .V~u been doinE? I~IS: Oh, swimming e little every day...getting lots of sleep, eating good food and catching up on my readi~. JAOK: Your...reading~ ~ ~IS: Yes, it's nice and quiet up here and I can concentrate.,. Hamlet requires lots of attention. ~R RT~01 0020253
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f JACK: EFAINIS: • ~' : .:lllll!l iTNI[ I il: I conslder it to be 3hakespeere's finest work...althoug~ I'd be the first to admit-~IA there 8~e g~eat qualltles in MacBeth, Julius Oasa~r end Othello....but to my w~y of thlu~uE Hamlet offers more scope end pene~tes vitb a deeper iusight into human nature. JACK: (EXPLOZmS) ~z ~ won,9 listen to that MARY: But, Jack -- JACK: I don't care. I'm on a vacation and I'm not Roin~ to lot hlm as~ravste me. MARY: But Jack, he hasn't said anythlnE silly. JACK: I knOW, and he's doiD~ it On DD/~QBe..Dennis. ~oulre deliberately tPvln~ ~ anno.v me. ~IB~vNo, llm Dot, Mr. Bsn~. JACK: Then bow come ~ou'~e tolkln~ intelli~entl~? IENNIS: I can't help it, I was out in the sun too lonE, JACK: Huh? E~NNIS: But I discovered a way to keep cool. JACK: You did? I~NIS: Yeah, I Eet a big pDnoh bowl, fill it full Of shaved ice, put in three lemons, two o~n~es, some gl~e~ale, a qu~rt o£ Scotch, a bottle of Smlrnoff Vodka, and flve maraschino cherries. JACK: Dennis, you drink that? E~NIS: No, I sit in it. DH RT~01 0020254
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JAOK: I~NIS: JACK; MAFX: JAOK: DON : JACK: BOB: JACK: BOB : JACK: DON : That's ~ boy....~nd Dennis, nov that you,re back to normal again, do me a favor...Just go over in the cor~er and don,t bother me. Okay...do you mind if I read Hamlet? Read, read,...What a crazy kid. Well Jack, you won't have to put up with him ~uch longer. Tomorrow we,ll all be on our way hank to Los Angeles. I ~ow, and l've got a big surprise for everyone. Since you're all leaving tomorrow and I 'm going to be staying down here till after Christmas, I want you ell to come to ~plaoe tonight for our annual Christmas pa~ty. ~,~ that's wonderf~tl, Jack. Everybody|s invited. . ,And Bob, make sur~ to brlng the orchestra boys. The orchestra boys? Ye~but toll them when we serve dinner to Just casually walk Into ~dlning room....not to line up and march. Okay, Jaok,Al'll~ tell them....but gee, yoa~ better serve t~em the food ri~t ~way or they'll start haDF~ing their cups on the table. I'll serve 'era, It11 serve 'em....And listen, kids, I~ got s nice blg house that I rented...there.s plenty of room....we'll bare a tree, exchange glfts and have~e~ of f~n. Don, you take over the show, will you? l'm going to leave right now a~d help Rochester get thlngs ready. All right, Jack....S~ll we do the commercial now?. eta01 0020255
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I' Ill IIII I II 11 I I ii -- i IIII li ~- i i li~ -7- JACK: Yes, Don..,tbat'll ~ £1ne...W~t have the B~rtsmen Quartet prepared? DON: ~/ It's something vor~ ~ppropri~te for this time of~ year ... I 's ca lad' i t Wo erland." JACK: WinteP W~song Is 811 about snow ~nd sle£ghbells... That doesnlt fit Palm 8prIDgs, DON: Don't worry about it; Jack, we've got it fixed all right. JACK: Okay, £0 ahead...,Bee ~ou later, kids. (SOm~D: DOOR CLOSmS) DOI~: All rlgbt, fellows....take it. RT~01, 0020R56
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7 k (zv o) CgA~r: ~8 " SLE~H BELLS RING, A~ YOU LISTEN~[NG. IN T~ LA~ SNOW IS GLISTENING A ~F~ADT~JL S~, WE'RE HAPPZ TONIG}~ WA~ IN A W~'ER WO~. GO~ AWAy IS T~ ~I~ TO STAY IS A N~g BIRD SINGS A LOVE SONG AS WE GO ALONG WALK~ IN A WII~ER WO~ERL~. IN T~ MEADOW WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN THEN PEETE~ THAT ~ IS PARSON BROWN ~'LL SAY, "ARE YOU MARRI~D?" SAy, "NO, MAN, BUT YOU OAN DO T~ JOB W~ WE'~ IN TOWN." LATER ON WE'lL CONSPIRE AS WE DI~AM BY T~ F~RE TO FACE UNAFRAID ~ PLANS THAT WE MADE WALKING IN A WINT~ WOl~. COYOTES HOWL, ARE YOU LIDTENII~G 8~ THAT OWl,, EYES A-GLISTENING THE DESERT AT NISP~ IS A B~Ab'rlFUL S~DHT PALM SPRIGS IS A WINTER WONSEREANS. IN THE SUN ONE OH, W}{AT FUN FOP~G~E'A~ING TAXES ~F YOU CAN AFFOBU YOUR ROOM A~g) YOUR BOAP~) PALM SPRINGS IS A WX~I~R WO~)F2~Y~qg~. (MO~E) ~[~0~ 002025F
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,,, , ART: ~CO~T,D) ,-92 8ABTA RIDES THE DESERT A~ ~'S SI~ING MERRY OHSIS~MAS, YIpPY-OH-KY-AYE. IN HB BAG FOR ~RN~ ~ IS BRINOING SOME SHAMPOO A}D A 0URLy NEW TOUPAY TEOU~H YOU ROAST A~ YOU BWEL~E~ STILL WE BOAST YOU ~ S~LT~ tOA~3E TA~ IT PROM ~, ALO~ ABO~ T~ P~IM SPRINGS IS A WINTER WO~AND. LUCK~ STRIKES GIVE YOU ~5T~8 . LUCI~ STRIKES YOU WILL TREASURE YES, LUOK~ ARE GREAT WHEN YOU ~TE CI~ IN A WI~ WO~. BETTER TASTE IS TI~ NEASON LUCKY STRIIG~5 ARE SO H~VASING YES, LUCEY'S THE ONE TO ~ IN THE SUN CHRISTMAS IN A W~I~R WOND~3LA~. LUCKY STRI~ ARE MADE OF FII~ TOBACCO LUCI~ ARE A ~OOT~ ~MOEE ~'S NHY CELIDPHANE PROTEGTS EACH SEPARATE PACK SO TI~'Y'HE ALWAYS FRESH A~ TI~ A~ NEV~ DRY, IT'S THE BRA~ YOU W~IL ~ MORE BY THE POOL AT T~ BIIY~OI~ W}~REVER YOU GO IT'S LUCKIES YOU KNOW T}~-Y'EE PUFFIN' IN A WIgglER WOnDERLAnD. I~CK~-S ARE ~'S FAVORITE E~AED "LUGS A~ E~DY,s FAVORITE BRA~D, RTH01~ 00202~8
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.~, ~ (SECOND R~TI~) f -10- (5~O~D: TRAFFIC NDISE3 AND FOOTJTEPS) JACK: Gee, I.m glad that drug store was open so I o~d finish m~ christmas shoppingo...Oee, I 8~t Christmas pl~sents from ever~here...C.B.S...Lucky Strike, o ,even ~ home town, Waukeean...I wonder what waakegan will do for me this Cbmlstnms. Imst year they did a wonderful thing..They destroyed m~ birth certificate....Now no one will ever know..(51Ncs) JINGLE BELLS..JIN~LE BELL%.JIh~LE ALL T}~ WAY...SA~m ~SnS A ~O~L~ HBRE XF ~ WAtT, TO PA~ HIS SLEIGH--AAA....DA DA DUM, I~M EUM I~M, i -- Oope, pardon me, sir. AETIE: That,s quite all -- ~l JACK: why, Mr° Kitzel! (APPLAUSE) JACK: Well, Mr. Kitzel, this Is a surprlse..l dldni% ~ow you were here in Palm SprlnEe° ARTIE: Oh yes, I'm here elready the last few dsys. JACKI Well, isn't that hioe..~here are you staying? ARTIE: A place called Hs~He~lend~. JACK: Har~,s Haolenda? ~I,ve never heard of that. JACK:~, Well,/if it Isnit mush Of a place,~wP~ do you Ste4 there? & ARTIE: Where else for seven dollars & day oe~u you getlroom, board, end a desk full of picture Ix~t cards from the~l MSrador? JACK: Oh, I see...Well, tell m~..do they have a~~ d/ ARTIE: Finally I found it. JACK: You mean the swimming pool is that small? AR~IE: small? This morndn8 I had breekfast and the hole in m~ bagel was bigger. JACK: Well, what's the difference as long as you, re having fun. Say. Mr. Kitzel, I,m having m~ cast over this evening for a little Eel-together...How would you end ~ your wife llke to Join us? GH ~T~01 0020259
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-11- ART~: Thank you, but I'm afraid we couldn't make it. My wife is still u~et from the steak rld~ lest n~ht. | / - ~r ~ak~ned JACK: 0h, your wife ~es on a Ste ? • ARTT~: It took eight men to ~ut her on t~e horse. JACK: Oh, Mr. Kitzel, you must he Joking. your wlfels not that he&~. ARTIE: Me, yo~ could cc~vlr~e, but the horse yo~ ten.t, JACK: you mean --? ARTIE: The next time that ho~e runs, It'll be from a bottle of ~ue • JACK: Wellj Mr. Kitzel, I1d llke to telk to y~ ic~l~er, but 7 ~ve to get ~ to help RoOhester, ARTIE~ Go riEht ahead, Mr. Benny, and enjoy yourself. JACK: The~k you, .so Ioug. ART~: Goodbye.. .Oh say, Mr, ~nny. JAOK: Yes, ~. Kitzel? ARTI~: T~oITow if you got a little ti~e, whY donl t you come over and v£sit me and my wlfe? JAO~:%~We~I, I,l~ be glad to,.How do I get to ~'0 Hacienda? ART~r~ight down Plato canyon Drive for five blocks till you come to the P~ I~e Hotel. JACK: Uh huh. ARTIE: Then you turn left end follow the sign that says "To Harry,s Hacienda" for two miles. JAOK: Two miles? But iou~hat will take me w~y ~p in the mountains. ARTIE: T t,s rl t, is a goat. JACK: m-E~r. Kitzel, you.re Jok~. ~RT~E: Smell me. JACK~ What? OH ATX01 0020260
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-12- A~IE: JACK: .~'IE: And. Gcodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel and Mer~ Christmas. a H~ppy Y~le to you-all. (S0U~D: FOOTSTEPS..TRAFFIC NOISES) JACK: (SINGS) JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELI~, JINGLE ALL THE WAY.. LA~LA, LAIAL~LA, I !. ~ j.~.,- Gee, It,ii be fun bi~ in Ps~ Sprlngs for Christmas. ( ~,A~sz~ION suszo ) JACK: Rochester, ~ me some mere tinsel for the tm~e~ ~ ~-~ ? ~~YOU ARE, MR. B~NNY. U JAOK: Gee, I,m sure glad I decided to rent this house from Mr. end Mrs. Martin. It'll be Just perfect for the party ton t. ROOH: XEA~ JACK: Well, ~Ii the tinsel is on. I think I'ii p~t on~he ornaments, l,ll~re~ut~t hls nice,., d one up..OuOh|~.l,ll put the blue one over~..__end I'ii pat the green one up on top..there..Ouch|...Oh, darn it. ROCH: BOSS, I TOLD YOU TO GET A CP~ISTMAS TREE I~TEAD OF THIS CACTUS PLA~.~ O~ JACK: Well, Boohester,Al,m not going J A~eh~and buy a Christmas tree when I have e perfectly good one at home. ~ I want to put these gifts under it..Let,s see..Here,B Don,s..some nice datesA.Thls one,s for Mary,.Oh. and Rochester, here,s the one l'm giving Re~%ley. Boy, will he be surprised. ROCH: HOW WILL ES BE SURPRISED, yOU,VE GOT "SHAVI~ LOTION" WRITTE~ ALL OVER THE PACKAGE. GH ~T~O~ 002026~
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.6 -13- JACK: ~YOu h~ve to do that with Remley. when ha opeD8 a box ~d finds ~ bottle, he never stoI~ to reed the la~l..Lest year ~//~ gave him a miniature ship in ~ bottle~ the mast stuck // Wout of his mouth for three monthe..Every time I asked him ! something, he had to a~er ~ through the oPovs nest.. Belive me, I know what I'm doing. JACK: Oh-oh, Rochester..that ,must be the ~.~you let lem in and ~(.~-I,11 80 out in the kitehen and get the hors d,oeuvres. ROCK: OKAy. (SOUND: CCUPLE FOOTSTEPS AND P00R CLO~) CAST: (AD LIBS) Hello, Rochester..Merry Ohrlstmas,.~te. ROCH: COME IN, CO~E IN, CGME IN, E~R~BODY..MR. BENNY,S IN THE KITC~N,.~,LL ~ RIGH~ Ob"~..MAEE YOURSELVE~ AT HCHE, DONI S~y, Jerk's 8or a nice place here. MARY: ~eah. "but it's so cluttered up. Rochester, help me clean It Upo.l,ll throw some of this stuff out. 00K: THAT, HAT'S TRE : B~: .~ ~ christmas tree?~t,s nothing but an old CaCtus plant. ROOK:~I~I WE WOULD,VE HAD A ~U~L~W~D, BUT TI~ WIND WAS BLOWING AND WE L0~T IT O0MI~G T~0UGH INDIO, DON: Wait a ~nute°..look et that television set,.g~ot coin box ~ttached to it with ~ slot to ~t ~o~oy in. BOB: Well, that's Pay As you Bee Television. And ~ ~prings is the only place whar~ they,re conducting t~a experiment. MARy: Jack has the same attachment on his set in Beverly Kills a~d it,s no experiment. JACK: (CO~NG IN) WEIL, EV~ODY, S H~RE..MERRY CHRISTMAS. CAST: M~RRY C~IS~£S, JACK. JACK: Well. kids. I,m g~ad you, re ~II here..We,ll have a nice -- (~: Z':O~ RINGS. ) JACK: " Oh, the~'s the pho~e. ROCH: I'lL GET IT, ~. JACK: Thanks, Rochester. ATH01 0020262
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JACK: Say Jack, this is a ver~ nice place. ~SS 80 large, Oh yes..there's a kitchen, dinette, living room, two bedrooms, end a patio. You know, Mary, when you.re e big star, you~ got to have plenty of room to entertain. MAR"/: Yeah...I just can't understand how you got ell this for elghty-flve dollars a month. JACK: What's the differon0e, I got it. Now come on, eve~Jhody~ let's put all the pr@sents under the tree a~a~m~-- JAOK: I had twelve candy ~nes, and now there are chit eleven..,~here's the other one? ~RY: Don't look at me. JACK: I'm not looking at you..but if your consoi~o bothers you, they,re ten cents each. MAR~: Oh, don't be so silly. ROCH: ~Ay, BOSS -- JACK: yeu~ochester..~ho ~as that on the phone? ROCH: THAT WAS ~R, COLMAN CALLING FROM ~ HIIAB. JACK: Oh, Roneld Colwsn? NCCH: y~ SIR. .~ WA~ T0 ~0W IF YOU'D BE BAC~ IN TOWN FOR C~ISTMAS..AND I ToLD HIM THAT YOU COULDn'T P0~SIBLY MAKE IT, YOU WERE STAYING IN pALM SPRINGS. JACK: Oee, that ~as nice of Ronnle to call. Is he planning a Christmas party? ~THO! 0020263
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ROCH: JACK: ROCH: JACK: -15 - ~_g~ YES. Rub? i All right, 811 right. BC~: Hey, Gang, ¥by don't we ~ open our Ch~Ls~mas presents? JACK: No, no, It's too early..Eve~one Can tmkp ~heir Elf', but letls not open them until Chrlstmaso D~$: Gee, I'm embarrassed, Mr. Benny. I got yo~ 8 gift, but I left it st m~ hotel room. that*s all right, Dennls. ~you ~it have tO JACK: Oh, bother getting me ~nythin~I anyway. D~NIS: Well, tr~thfully, I dldn't }mow what to Ee~ you..yo~ have practically evemTthing..but I vent 811 ove~ Palm Spvlngs and I finally fou~ something. JACK: Really, what did you get me, Dennis? DENNIS: A Hils monster. JACK: A Ella "monster. reptile. Why, it 0ould snap e man's arm ~f. ~NIS: JACK: DON: ~o wonder IZ ~ook him so lone to wrap the ~ack~ge. Dennis, if that poisonous thing is in yc~9 ~oom, you bettor call your hotel right now and we~nthem. yeah, I ~uess I better. Hey, oo~e on, kids, let's h~ve some 9on.01et's Ket party rolling. y~ah, letIB play SOm gsmeB. Okay...but f~st ~ want to show ~ou some¢~ng, Mary. RT.~01. 0020264 B0~: JACK:
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a -16 - MARY: Me? JACK: Ye~j come on out in the hall for a second. ~RY: All right. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Well, here we are., .lOok up, Mary. ~: Why Jaek, it's d mletletoe.~ __ n ~_ JACK: That's right..and that ~s~l get te kls8 you. MAEE: (SHY) Oh, Jeek .. JACK: /~,Come on, M~ry..glve me 8 klss..now ~uoker ~p. MARY: All right. (som LONQ SS) ~: There. JACK: I ~ IT, YOU ATE THE CANDY CANE..I KNN~ ITI I ENEW ITs I ENE~ IT. ~EY: All ri__~.+here.s your ten cents. For a ~Inute, I thought you were getting romantic. JACK: Romantic, shmsntle..e crime must be solve~, ~ ~ome en, let's get beck to the party. (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) BOB: Mary, what ~as going on out there in the hall? ~ Ask Boston Blsokte. JACK: Never mind....Hey, Dennis ~ell your hotel ebout that Hila monster? DENIS: Yeah. JACK:Whet did they say? DENIS: Nothing, the phone keens ringing and ringing but nobody answers. JACK: Whet? BA 8TMO~ 002025~
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"17- D~I8: JACK: DON: JACK: BOB: JACK: CAST: CAST: JACK: JACK: BA Do you mind if I etsy here tonight? All right, ell rlght..Nowcome on, let's g~ thins started here...I~t,e all siug Jingle Bells. Yeah, yesh..let's all slng)-~ (80D~D: ~ACK SAw SAWING T~OUGH LRON ~AR) What's that noise? Remley,~ to go home. (UP) Re~ls~'. put ~wn that hsek saw and. USO the door .... What s gar~...New some on, kids, let's sing "Jingle Bells." (SIFt8) JI~GLE BEIJ~, JINGLE BE~ JINGLE ALL THE WAY 0H, W~ATF~ IT IS TORIDE IN A ONE HO~E OPt4 SLEIGH .... JINGLE BEIL$, JI~LE -- BINoI ) JS QOIN' ~old it, kids, it's the owner., d~hat'~ the metier, I'iI tell you what% the matter. I'm not going to 8tend for noisy parties llke this golug O~ in my house. Now wait a second, Mr. Martln...so what if we are~ msklng a little nolse..you're forgettlug i I'm paying you 85 dollars a month to rent this house. "\ % Whoeve~ dreamed you'd be throwing vild pa~tles...When you ca~e to me, ~o~ looked llke a ~ioe, q~t old man. i RT~01 0020266
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-18 - JACK: But ~ .... MEL: Now I find out you,re s Holl~ood pleyboy. JAOK: Look, Mr. Martin -- ~L: And what're those convicts doing here? JACK: Those are my musicians...re,lows, this is a ~set~. stop makln~ those lioenB9 ~lotes ..... For hesve~ sakes... They're not at hom~ unless they,re in Jell. BO~: I guess ~e were a little fond, Mr. M~rtin...but we dldntt wow you .ore here, n MAEY~ We were only ha, lnK a~Chrlstmas party. ~: ~ ~ A Christmas party? DON: Yes, if you prefer, we can leave. )~L: Well ... D~NIS: We didn't even get ;to sing the Chrlstms~ ~srols. MEL: Christmas Carols? JACK: yes,~we al~eys sing Christmas Carols. ~: Gee, I'd love to hear that. JACK: Well, why don't yo~ and youP wife Join us9 ~u rSally ~n that, Mr. Benny? MEL: JACK: Certelnly, the mo~ the mer~ier. ~: Gee, thanks..I'ii Eo get my wife and we'll Join you in the party. JACK: Now Dennis -- ye~tgo get her...D~nDis, ev@~ Foam at Christmas party yo~ slways sine e nice medley of Christmas Carols. BA AT Ql-,O02026?
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D~INIS: JACK: D~NIS: JACK: Yes, 51P. Well, how about slr~Ing them for us nov? I~d be glad to. Quiet, everybOdyo.Dennls is golnE to sinE. (DmRNI~ SIN~ ~I~Y OF o~s~ms c~Ro~) JAOKI Ladies and geutle~, on behslf of m~ sponsor and entt~e staff, I vent to ~Ish you all 8 very Merry christmas. ~r~ol 0o2o268
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Revised ~rtpt smomm~R z6. 19~+ A~I~N TO~OCO COMPANY Tim JAOK lint, mY PR¢~ 0.B.S. 4:00 -%130 I'M P~ (Trenscribed - October 7, 19~) CAST: Jsck Benny Rochester DS~InIB l~y Don Wilson Roy Glenn Joe Kesrns ~hlon ~rrlck Be8 Benedsret Mel Blsnc Verne Felton Berry ~2eerer Jimmy Beird ~Y
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~CK B~mX F2OG~M WILSON: THE JACK BENNY PROORAM...transcribed en~ presented by Lucky Strike, the cigerette t~st,s ~sested to teste better, ~COL~NS.) "If you went better tests from your oig-s-rette, (~ ORCL~B~RATION) Dac~ Strike is tbe brsnd to get: . IT'S TOASTED to give you the best bests ~et, It's tbe ~ (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) oig-s-rette. They teke fine tsbacco, it's ~ tobsoso, it's mild tobscco, too Then IT'S TOA~D, yes, IT'S TOA~v~D, becsuse the toasting brln~s the flevor right through. So, to get better tests from your cig-b-rette, Luc~ Str_~ is the brsud to get' IT'S TOASTED to ~ive you the best testel yet It,s the ~ (CLAP ... CLAP, CLAP) Cig-e-rette.t WILSON: Friends, this i8 Don Wilson. If you're not getting ell the enjoyment you should be getting from your present cigsrette, switch to Lucky Strike -- end see for yourself how much more reel, deep down smoking enjoyment you get from Luckies' better tests. DY (H0~) AT~O~ 00202?0
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O~t~lO O0~m~OIAL WILSON: -B- A Lucky tsstes better ~ ltls the o~erette of fine tobeoco a~ ITt8 TOASTED to tette t~tter. IT'S TOASTED is the femous Lucky St~l~ process that to~es up D/okies' fine, nsturelly 8ooO-testt~ tobacco to make it teste even be~ter. Cles~er, f~es~er, smoother. Yes~ find out for yourself. Buy s cotton of better tssting D~cky Strike! ~Y ~TH01 00202?1
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C (FXRSE ROUTII~ ) (AFT~ CO~4ERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: -i- THE LUCKY STRI~ PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY..WITH MARY LIVIMUSTO~, ROC~S~Ee, DENNIS DAy, BOB OROSEY, AND "YOURS TM/Ly" DON WILSON, (APPIAUS~..MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: lADIES AND GENI~..TONIGHT JAOK BENNY DO~8 ANOTH~ TELEVISION SHOW, BUT RIGHT NOW ITIS RADIO TIME..S0 LET'S GO OUT TO JAOK'S HOUSE IN ~ HIILS° oAS WE LOOK IN, ROCHESTER, WITH THE HELP OF HIS B~ST FRIEND ROY, IS CLEANI~] UP T}~ HCUSE AFT~ C}~ISTMAS. ROY: ROCH: ROY: ROOH: ROY: ROY: ROCH: ROY: (SINGS) Jingle bells, Jingle bells... JINGLE ALL Th~ WAY. Oh what fun, it is to ride. IN A OSE HORSE OPEN SLEIIIII~o,.NOW ROY, IF YOU,LL GATHER UP ALL T~ WRAPPING PA~, IILL PICK UP THE RIBBONS A~D ~WIN~. Okey. (SOUND: CRUMPLING OF PAPER) Bey, Rochester...I notice thst e lot of these boxes that Mr, ~nny,s gifts ceme in still hove the price tog on them° OH, THO~,,,THOSE ARE GIFTS FROM T~ PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR HIM. Why do they leave the price togs on them? DY -'e ATX01 00202;'2
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f :.W., s" s -2- ROCH: IT SAVES ABCQT SIX MO~THS OF ARQUME~T3. ROY: g,..PJ~moxhere's e box thor hesntt been Qp~ned ~t. ,~ ~i¸ ROOH: I KNOV..LOTS OF~PEOPL~ HAVENfT OOMI BY ~ICKIBUP THEOl..PUT IT INTHE pILE B~IND T~ TRE . I Okay. (SOUND: RUSTLXNG OF TREE AE~ TI~I~ OF TREE om~Mi~s) CAR~DL YOU ~NIT TIP IT. . ROY:~:~n't worry...Se,; Rochester, whst,s thst 11tile psoka~e --~on ~ top ot the pile* T,s ROY: ~..~nd whetts the big psckage on the bottom? RO~: THATI8 MI. REMJ~q. ROY: Oh...Well, why is he gift wrapped? NOCH: HE ~EPS ~ THAT WAY. _-~C~ ~ ~:5_~-~ ............ !,,:i- ~ • ROY: Ssy, Rochester...wh~t did Mr. Benny set fPom hie neighbors, Mr. snd Mrs. Nonsld Colm~n? ROCH: T~ GAVE HIM THAT.CH~IR OVER THERE IN TH~ COR~. ROY: Gee...tbst doesn't look like much of s 8Ift ..... Thst ch~ir looks so dull sn~ drsb. ROCH: I KNOW.. ,BUT IT GETS MIGHTY LIVELY WHEN Y0U PLUG IT IN. ROY: You meen .... ROOH: YEAH, THAT THING P~EDING~gR~ OVER THE TOP AIN,T NO READ~NS L~M~. ROY: Roohester...you,re kidding, 8tenet you? ~T~0! 00202?3
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/.,~ z .3 ROCH: YEAH... ~ h~E ~. ROy~II tho~ht so...Ssy, Rooh~ r*sx% week Is ~ Yesrf8 ~.. Hsve you got Buy pl~us? ROCH: YEAH .... I~ GOT A DATE WITH ~JS~. ROY: Bey, tBet reminds me, Susie spoks to me eboUt you the other night. ROCK: ~ DID? ROY: yesh...sb~ sey~ tb~t you two~ been golng together ~o long, sheT~ kind of diseppointed the~ you h~venlt proposed to her yet. ROCH: WELL, ROY, I,VE THG~RT ABOUT IT A LOT..AND WELL..IIVE B~NWITH ~. BENNY SO LONG, I'MA CONF~M~D BACHELOR... IIgE PIC~Y~D UP TOO MANY OF HIS WAYS. ROy..~But you ought to think sbout getting msrrle~...you know, u you're not gettiu~ shy younger. ROOH: I'M NOT GETTING ANY 0~, EITKER, ~AT.S SOMETHING Ei~ I PICKED UP FROM ~R. B~Nq@/, ROY:~; know wh~t you mesh..Mr. Benny keeps rolling Dlong lime F J Old Mort River...Ssy, how old is he reslly, Rochester? THAT'S SO~THING I'LL ~ ~ ANYOne. ROY~a~j I know he's not thlrty-nine...Osn't you st lesst glve ~ 8 hint shout how old he ms? ROCH: WFJ~L...ALL I~LL SAy IS IF THEY DO HIS STORY ON "THIS IS YOUR LIFE", IT'LL HAVE TO BE AN HOUR PROGRAM. ...Men, whet a speo~sculsr ~het.ll ms~, with Indians ROY: (BO (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) RT~0t 00202~
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q JACK: Good morning, Rochester. ROOH~jGOOD MORNING, BOBS. JACK: ~rry Christens, Roy. .ROY:. F~rr¥ Christmgs to, you toot ~.~ ROCHI JUST A C6L~RS. BOCH: WOUL~ YOU LIKE SOME BREAEFAST, BOS3? JACK: No, it's so 18to sN Ifm quite N...Whst con you fix me for lunch? ROCHI ~ELL, I CAN GET YOU SO~ SLICED YJRERY, CRAZY ~,USE, CANDI~D 3W~ST POTATOES, TURKEY M351~D AND GRAVY. JACK: Is thst whet=s left over from Ohristmss Oinner? ROCH: THAT13 WHAT,S LEFT OVER FROM THANKSO~. JACK: Oh. (SOUND: DOOR Buzz~m) BOY: Do you went m to enswer the door, Mr. Ben~? JACK: No, Roy, 1111 go. ,,you help Rochester. ( SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: (}~M~ JINGLE BELL3) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) HARRY: ~RRY O~I~T~S, ~R, BENNY. DY RT~O~ 0020225
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JACK: HARRY: JACK: Well, Joey ~r~ ~hevie~rry Christmss, boys. ~. Benny, it is our pleesure es the d~ly ~lected representetives of the Beverly Hills Beavers Club to come here eu~ ~eaent you with this gift ~r ~hlch we all chlppe~ In sn~ bought you -- " • es 8 token of our esteem. (T~CHED~Boys, this is very tOuchl~..~Of ell the many nice things that heppened to me this Christies, this is the nicest,, .Come Oh in while I open it. (SO~: ~OOR CLO~S...OPENI~ OF PA~OE) DY RT~01~i00202?6
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r¸ JACK: J~g~Y: JACK: KIDS: J]YRY: JACK: HARRY: -6- 0 lr of h~l~ brushe that nice, I thought it was stupid hut the~ voted aga~st me. Im..Well boys, come on in the next room, I have a gift for all the Beavers. (AD I/B) Gee, thanks..That.s swell. By the way, Mr. Benny...don.t forget you promised to some~to the Beavers annual p~rty we.re giving this F~Iday night. Oh, I'ii be there. You know, this year we.re going to have glrlej and we.re gonna dance with them, and play spin the bottle ged ~ost office. Gee, I'II bet you can hardly wait. Yeah, I wanna see what,s so great about it. JACK: HARRY: JD~MY: (~ IAUGH) JACK:~/Yes, you Will., JACK~ J~g~Y: PARRY: JIMMY: JACK: You'll see, you'll see. Steve~<. Well, here you are, boys. °.a p~esent from me, to the ~avers. (~PRESS~) Gosh, a printing press. And what ~ big one...Boy, the Beavers will ~ove this present because now we san print our own ~eWs~per, and bulletins and circulars. Yeah...and maybe next year we,ll even be able to make 0hrlstmas cards. (F~mm, first HaXlmar~, now them)...0h, well.,,Merry Christmas, boys. j
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-7- K~)~: Hevr~ Chvistams, Mr. Benny. JACK: Goodbye. HARRY: Oh, by the way, Mr. Benny, at our last meeting we decided to raise the dues next ~ear to ten cents a week. JACK: Ten cents a week] JD~Y: ! thought It was stupid but they voted sg~lnst me... JACK: Well, I'm going to use my veto. .Goodbye, kids. K~DA: Goodbye. (RO~: DO0~ OLOBES....FOOTS~PS) JACK: (H~S JINGLE B~LL$) Gosh, those kids are oute...(HUMS jz~LE ~um) Well, l~uess eve~hin,,s done..I'll be rlm,itng ~ r~ow, Rochester. JA~: Just a nute, Roy. the t,ee. ROy:. No slr..l did ~;~.~ on, let,~ JACK: }k~n...Roy, you can get it next week, ~be Remley will roll off it by then...Meenwhile, Merry Christmas. %- flT~01 00202P8
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ROCK: JACK: JACK: -8- ...... ~ ..... ,:;,.-.~.,.-z~- -!) BAY, BOSS..+WHATi8 THIB ~ISTMAB PACKAGE DOING UP ON T~ MANTLE..IT HAS NO NAME ON IT. Let me see it. (sores: OOVPL~ OF FOO~TS~) Oh, m~ goodness..I fo~Bot to deliver it..I ~etter do that right now, ROCH: W~D IS 1T FOR? JACK: ~d, the men who ~ m~ vault...I'll~. ~t to.h~. J z~ ~ there ~Pe ...... any---" celts for me, l[~'.il "~" j t - ~ _L'.-- " -~,, _ (SOlJl~): FOOTSTEI~L .DOOR oPENS..FOOTsTiItil DOWN 3'Z~IPS GETTING I-DIfLOW..FOOTS'I~IP8 ALONG coi~lDo~) JACK: Now to cross the bridge over the moat. (BO~: FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN BRIDGE..SPL~$HI~G JACK: Gosh, look at those alligators..They~ wo~erful gua~s.. Especiall~ this one right under the bridge, i .S~y, whati s that swimming behind her?... Oh, my goodness, I must call ~ouell~bParsons, she.s had a blessed event...Isn)t that (BOW~: FOOTSTEPS OFF ~DGE..RATTLE OF 0HAIN8.. IRON ~OOR O~AZ~ OPEN..~0 ~PS. ,I~AV~ CKAINS R~L~O..IRON DOOR 01~ 0~¢.. ~wo ~X~S~EPS) Rr~ol 00202F9
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-9 ~AP~S: JACK: JACK: JACK: I~AP~S: JACK: ~ARNS: Halt, who goes there..friend or ~oe? Friend. Wharfs the password? CLea~eP, freshor, smoobher. Oh, it,s you, Mr. Benny. Yes, Itls me, ~d. How nice...did you come to put some money in the vault, or to take some out? Neither, Ed...this is a social visit...ItTs Christmas. Christmas? JACK: ~,Yes..and next reek it will be New years. ~Y~ARNS: Gosh, another year has gone by already. JACK: That,s rich% Ed..It,ll soon be 1955. E~RNS: Nine__ ~en! JACK: Yes, yes..~d.. NOW I Just came down to glve ~ou your Christmas present. ~S: My this is exeiting...M~y I open it? JACK: I wish you would. (BOUI~: PAP~ TEAR3~G) ~: Oh, gosh...Just what llve always wanted...&~ l~nbreIl~. JACK: Yes, itzll come in handy in case a pipe ever breaks.. Well, I,ve got to get back, Ed.. see you~0on, KEARNS : Goodbye. (SOUI~): FOOTSTEPS..IRON DOOR CLOSES,~AFOOTBTEPS) RT~0t 00202B0
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JACK: Gee, that Ed is always so nine a~d pleasant..never complains or anything...I think the next time I come down, 1.11 lengthen hls chain. JA0~: Oh Rochester..were there any calls for me? ROGH: NO, BL'~ WHILE YOU W~ DOWN IN T~ VAULT, MA~N ME~ICK, YOUR MUSICAL A~ER CAME IN..~'S WA~TIN~ ~R YOU IN T~ M. JACK: ~j Oh, I'll see what he wants. (SOUND: 00UF~E FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPENS) JACK: ~ Eello, Mahlon. MA~N: Mer~ Christmas, Jack. JACK: Same to you. MANSON: Jack, the reason I came over is your p~oduoer su~ested that we do this tune on the show this week ~0d I wanted to see if you like it, JACK: Let me see the muslo..Hm~m...Well, it,s topical.. .what do you think? MA~N: I.m not sure..ht~ it to me. JACK: (TO TU~ OF JINGI.w. ~) D~ da da, de dad&, da de -- You know, Mahlon, ~ou'd save yourself a lot Of trips over here if yould learn to rend music...believe me. MA~N I would, but I don.t want the boys in the ba~ to think I.ve @one high hat. JACK: Oh, them..Well, that reminds me, Mahlon, I wish yould tell the boys that from now on whenever we do a broadcast, not to brin~ their friends and have them sit up there with them on the bandstand. RTH01,0020281
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..... MAI'R,ON .'~,,, TheY ' r e JACK: what I meSn. o,see if you can do somethlng about it, wlll you? JACK: E~ouse me, Mahlon, ~ hsve to answer the door, ( SOV-~: ~O'r S'm PS ) (Bou~: DOOR OPENS) DON: Merr7 Christmas, JeoM. JACK~, Merr~ Christmas, Don...Come on ln. (sov'~: ~ FOOT3TSm) DON: Oh, Merry Christmas, Mahlon. MAHLON: S~,e to you, Don...Did you get a lot of presents ~is year? DON: I,~i say..Y~D gpt~. • ~-~ ~.~'the ~restast co~le~tlon of wAld ties, and gaudy sportm~be bu~y all next week exchanging gifSs. ~ ~ JACK: Me toc...people eerta~ly.~ you silly thin~s~Z~-~Z /t~ 7 // one person who gave me a useful gift... JACK: What did she give you? DON: A si~e of beef. Rr~01 0020282
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-12- • JAOK: DON: MAJLON: DON: JACK: JACK: DON: JACK: DON: Yes. Don, a whole side of beef...were you able to get it in your freezer? I donlt h~ve a freezer, so I made ~ savdwloh, Your front lawn must look like an elephant,s graveyard. ~. Say Jack...Here, I brolt~h% this over for you,..it's record of a song by Dennis Day. A record? asked me to brlng this over so ~ou ~ hear it. Gee.,~.{hope he feels all right. Oh, he111 be okay. JACK: ~,~sDod..let,s hear the song. Put it on the phonograph, Dan. DON: Okay. (SO~: 8TA~T REOORD OF ~OMEO~ S~I~ AT DON:~&~ 4+ ~ Dennls, oobl is worse than ~ught. DON: kay. (SOUND: P~C}~ WI~D~..RECO~ STARTIh~) (DENNIS. SONG) "SONG OF SO~S RTM01 0020283
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6," a ooi~, JACK: 8~7, Why don, t the three of ua go over ~ v~slt Dennis i MAHLON: l'd love to, but l've ~ot work to do. DON: I vas Just over there, Jack, but I'ii walk !0~rt Of the • ,~yt w:tth~you...It,o on ~v v~ home. JACK Okay . .I/~tte~ tell Rochester I,m le~ving, (C~'-- that -- ROCH: (OFF) SHALL I AE~WER THE PKONE, BOSs? JACK: No, I'Ii get It...you Just keep doing whet yon,r@ doing. ROCH: THANE~, I'M RESTING. JACK: ~mzm. (SOUND: HIOI~ RXNGS...TWO FOOTSTEPS ..o REC~IV~ UP) JACK: Hello. BEA: K~llo, Mr. Benny, this is Gertrude, the C.B.8. telephone Oh, iS s~meone tryin~ to reach me around the studio? RTHO'~ 0020284-
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l -14- BEA: " ~snrt buslness.,.I o~lled to ths~ yOU ~or the lovely 0hrlstme~ ~rese~nt ~o~ gave me. ~/- ~ ~ BEA: ~...Any~ay, ~r. Benny, it isn't the gift that counts, it's the sentiment behind It..That,s ~hy Mable and I li~ yO~...Y~ tre~t ~ like human belngs,..Most people aren,t nice to us at ello JACK~,Now wait e minute, Ge~ta~de,~go talklr~ like th&t.. .No woD~er you e~ Mable h~ve Inferlor~ty oc~olexee. ~: We haven, t any oOmpleXes.,we ~re infePior. JACK: Oh. BEA: Nell, thenks again, and Merry~.Ohrlstmas, Me~,y Chri~tmss to ~ou, too;~-'A4 ~- ~ JACK: (SOUND: ymoEn DO ) JACK: O~y, DOn, let's go..,He~', where,s Mahlon? ROCH: ~ ~ C~T WHILE yOU W~RE TAIKING ON THE PHONE. JACK: Oh...Well, Rochester, ~,ii ~e be~k in time ~or dlr~uer. %. eTH01~O020285
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-15- JAOK: Huh? ROCH: DID y0U FORGET TO THA~ MR. WILSON F~ THE GI~T }~ GAVE . yOU? JACK: Oh, I'm glad you reminded me...(UP) Don, I ~ant to thank '" ~ou for that lovel~ sunbeam Tosster you ~ve ~. DON: You,re welcome, Jack...l was ~onderlng if you needed on~. ROCH: I~D 0~.*~'VE GOT THAT, WE US~) TO TOAST OUR BREAD WITH GERUI~ SU~EA~B. JACK: Never mind..Come on~ Don...I,ii be back in time for dinner, Rochester... (SOU~D: FOOTSTEPS. . ,DOOR 0P~S AND CL0~..FOOTSTEPS ON PORCH, T~N IX~4N FEW STEPS AND THEN ON O~E~T WAU~) DON~It's such a nice day for this time of ~ year. JACK: It certainly is...and I love to walk...e~pe0ially on a DON: Oh Jack, look at "4m~beautiful bird on your ~wn. JACK~Lookp be's hopping over t6 us, Cc~e O~, blrdie...oome here. CHIRP CHIRP, .. 0HIRP CHIRP CHIRP. CHIRP CHIRP...CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP. DON: Wh&t,s the% Birdie? JACK: Well, wh~t do you km~w? He ~ald iS, M~T. RT~0t 0020286
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-~6- DON: That.s rlght, Birdle..Luoky Strlke means fine to~. M~: (WHISTLES - ~, LU0KY BTEZ~ ~ E~ ~0O0. ) JACK: Bay, you, r~ a smart bird. MEL: (~STT~ - T ~N0W IT) JACK.'JACK: Iill be d~w~.I'll be (sINGS) IF YOU WA~ ~ TASTE FRG~ YOUR OlOA~TI~, LUCKY STP~KE IS T~ BRAND TO G~T. IT'S ~ TO GIVE yOU THE BEST TASTE YET. ITIS THE ~ DON: OI~, JACE:~.Thls is ~m~zlng...Look, he.s flying away. ~om,.~ J~ -'c~ - ¢.-----~ --:.~ ~" DO you ~hi~c~..~_.~_he, 14 oo~ .,-...~--b'~Ic ~e'gain? ~---~i . ~.., .~ ........~.,_ J.,.._~..j jA~eed~-~or~r ~ over to enn s h se. (T~A~IT~ON ~UBT0) E~NI8: Say Mother,..(SN~ZE8) Gee, .~ --~ Mother, I wish I could get rid of this Gold. V~NA: Well, if you'd o~ly take thiB medicine, son, it would help you 8 lot. I~IS:But I don, t like that ~diclne...are you sure It,s good? V~2~NA: Certainly...when I wa~ a working glrl, I alw~Ts used to take it. I~%~IS:Did you have lot~ of colds then? VERNA: All the time. MS RTKO~jOO2028F
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/ D~IS: I guess that was on a~oount of where you vorked. V~NA: That,s ri~..the only time I over got any fresh air and sur~hine was ~hen Jolt1 L. Levis c~led a stx~ke. I~IS: Gee, Mother~I don,t feel like taking that med~o~ue because...because... (~ S~ZF~ AGAIN) ~NA: D~nnlsj let me feel your head and see if you have any temperature. (SOUND: PALM LIGhtLY PATTING E) l~h~S: ... Do I have any? V~d~A: Well, it is a little wa~n ~c~ th~ point. ~: I'ii probably be up in a daF or so. V~NA: Son~ shall I get you e~other hot ~ater bottle? l~TIS: NO y drank three of them and I don, t feel any better. V~NA~or beaven, s sakes, Der~tls...yc~ vere supposed to l~t them on your feet. ~NNI~: Now she tells me. • (SOUND: ~00~ ~ZZ~m) V~A:~T~re,s someone at the door. t t N3 ~r~01 0020288
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/ ,i, =, -~8- JACK: Hello, l~-So Day, Hez~y Ch~Istn~m. ~: What do ~ou v~nt? ~ JAGK; .,,Huh? ,., Yall.,,Z*ve e~ to c~r Dem~e up, V~NA: you eoeldn, t cheer ~ B lsughtng hyer~. JACK: Well, for your Info~tlon, Mrs. Day, a le~ ~mL doesn, t really lau~.,.WhBt ectmds like leughteP is Just a peeuliar2t¥ of the h~na,s veeal oho~s. Y'J~'~A: well, it takes or~ to know ore, JACK: "m~,. Look, Mrs. D&ya I dldnlt oome overate *- ~I8: (0FF -° CALL%___~) Oh hello, Mr. Benny..iI________~m in the bedro/an. ~won, t u~et him, T ~us JACK: T)ello, ~nn~s, Hey d~.d you Set :~our cold? D~U.@:~Last~ nIEht I went out all over town sir~InE Ohristma8 car?is. • ....................... oke~ of water on me. l~r/S: You_csn,t...I nailed them all shut beoauee I walk in my sleep° JACK: I dldn*t know that, ~RI~L~: Ye~o~e nlgh~ last week I walked all over town.. ,I finally wound up in The Brown Derby, o .Boy~ w~ I embarrassed. RTH01!iO020289
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I -19- JACK:~I should imagine...with ell those people there, end you in your pajamas. Who wears pajamas. JAOE: Oosb~, must have been awful. DANNY8: Yesh,~the~manaae~ threw me out because I dldn't have e tie on. JACK: Oh, well, I don't bless him. V~RI~: Here, Dennis, I brought you some soup. JACK: Mrs. Dey...that's a hot wate~ bottle. ~NA: He likes it that way: JACK: ~,.Wellj I better be going...C+oodbye, De~ia. JACK:J~ By the way, De.is, ~u haven t thanked me ~et for the Christmas present I gave you. V~NA: You sell that s Chr'Istmes gift? JACK: Look, Fins. D~ -- V~NA: MY Dennis has been with you ~ over flDto~n years er~ after all that t~, you gave him s tlck~t ifor s lousey 89 cent car w~sh. JACK: Well, tell him to use it on Saturday, it'ss dollar ar~ a quarter then....Ar~ws~, it's net the ~ift that counts, ~t'~ the sentiment behind it. V~NA: A DOT YOU KNOW ~B0~ BE~MNT...YOU WOU~'T GIVE ARTH~ GODFREY A TEA BAG ~ ~ WAS BTRA~D ON ~ MOJAVE D~S~RT WITH A CUP OF K0~ WA~R. JACK: NOW JIlT A MIN~I~, MRS. DAY...YOU LIS~N T0 M~I~ -- ~r~O~: 0020290
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-'20- j- V~A: I'M NOT LISTEN~ TO A~0DY. 0)~ MORE WGeD 0~T OF YOU AND I'LL P~E BLAOK OIRCLE8 AR0~ ~0~ B~ BL~ E~ES~ ~~-~- JACK: OH YOU WILL, ~? U~NN~5 : HIT HIR, MOM. JAOK: WHAT? ~~~j • RNN~ : 0UR TELEVISION 8~T 18 BROKEN, AND I ~~ JACK: WELL THAT SEITLE5 IT...I 0A)E OVER ~ 0iEOF T~ G00D~ OF MY )~RT° I WANTED TO 0~ UP EENNIS O00D TO HIM ALL T~ ~, AND YOU 8H0t~ BE THE LAST~ TO VERNA: 3~H, SHIE UP' JACK: THAT SETTLE~ IT~ I'M GOIN@ HO~. Blt "(r RT~01 0020291
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,p f-- rr.. JACK BENN~ PROGRAM DON: CO~CIAL Jack will be back in Just a minute to tell ~ou about hie television show whioh goes on immediately after this prog~a~ over the CB8 Network..,but first herels e word for anyone who enjoys s good elaerette. WIL~ON: Jack will be back in Just a minute, to tell TOU about his television show which goes on et seven Oiolock over the CBS Network but first here,s ~ word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. ( BR er ¢o!, 0020292 I
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O~l~ CO~CIAL WILSON: (OPTIONAL SHORT WILSON: "If you went better taste from your clg-a-rette, ~ckv ~ is the bran~ to get: IT'S TOABTED to give you the beet taste yet, It,8 the to s ta~fi_" (CZAP...OLAP, oI~p) oi~-s-retto. They take fine tobacco, it's ~ tdoaooo, it's i~ tobecoo, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'8 TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So, to ~et better taste from your cig-~-rette, Luc~ ~trike is the brand to get: IT'S TOAB~ to give you the best testa ye% It's the toasted (OLAP....OLAP, CLAP) clg-a-ret te: I guess everybody knows Robert Montgomery was for years e famous movie star end now he'a e star in • television. Matter of feet, his TV shOW is sponsored by l~cky Strike. He told folks that he didn't h~ve to smoke Luckles for that reason but be does anyway. RTNO1 0020293
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TI~ JACK HE~ I~OGIL~M OLO~II~ CO--tilL (COI~T'D) f r WI~ON: ..... (CO 'D) -D- Let ~ glve you his own words on the subject: "I smoke I~okles and have for years. I like the way they taste." Yap, those are Robert ~onta~me~7's own words. And they sure make a lot of isense. Lucktes do taste ~etter. They taste better because I~/~ -- Lugky Strike mear~ ~ tobacco...flne, ll~t, nst~elly mild tobeooo. And then---that fire tobacco is toss~d, Yes, itls toasted to taste better. "IT.S TOASTED" -- the f~eus LUoky Strike process -- tor~s up Luckles' naturally mild, 8ood- tsstlr~ toheoco to make it testa even b~tter. CleanePa fresher, smoother. So the veT next time you buy cigarettes, friends....Be Happ~- Go Luok~... make your next carton I~cky Strike. Rer~mber: it ' a toasted.., to taste better] ~ BR ~THO! 0020294
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4 / ( Ac) -81- (SOL~D: DO~ OPE~) ROCH: W~0'8 THERE? JACK: Itls me, Rochester. ROCH: HO~ 18 I~NNIB DAy? JACK: Oh, hels ell Pight. R0~H: NANT ~ TO GET YOU ~ TO EAT? JACK: ~ ~i~t~~ No,.I don,t feel h , ....Gosh, I don't ~mow whet to do... I think I ~i Pe end watch televls~on...Turn it on, will you please? ROGH: OKAY. {sou~: cLI~) DON: (F~) FrOm Televislon City in HollYwood the Jsck Benny Feo~am presented bY lucky Strike. JACK: Oh~ goodness, thetis me' I'm supposed to be on in e few seconds...So long, RooheeteP. (SOUND: DOOR CIE6ES., .RU~ING FDOTSTEI~) JACK: Gee, I donlt want to miss any of my show, I'm goinE to be so good tonight. 8eB you in e minute, folkS. (~ppLA~SE & MUSlC) BR
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F ~)ON: The Jack Benny P~o~em tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, John Teckebe~ry, Hal Goldman, ~I ~Oordon and p~cduced and transorlbed by Hllliend Marks. Pr~am has been bro y ') " can Tob~:~O6 CO~/ BT~0~0020296
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l -rv~. -22- TAR~frON 301F Filter smokers' True rob@coo keste...~sl filtretion.. lemons TAREYTON quelity...they're ell yours when you smoke Filter Tip TAT~ON. Filter Tip TAREYTON gives you ell the full, rich ~aste of T::REYTON'S qUslity tobacco end reel filtrstion, too, becsuse Filter TIp TAREYTON $noorpo~tes Actlveted Chevcoel, renowned for Its unusuel powers of selective filt~ion. Look for the red, white end blue stripes on the pecke@e. They laenfify Filter Tip TARE~fON, the best in filtered smokiu6. ~ON: The Jsck Benny prosrBm wee brought toyou by the Amsrlcen Tobsooo Comps~V .. Am~rlce 'S le~6inE msnufecturer of ciEsrettes. TB _ . . .... ~ . _ RT~O~,iOO2029F

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